Sunday, April 15, 2018

sanctus real - confidence

I’m not a warrior
I’m too afraid to lose
I feel unqualified for what you’re calling me to
But Lord with your strength
I’ve got no excuse
'Cause broken people are exactly who you use
So give me faith like Daniel in the lion’s den
Give me hope like Moses in the wilderness
Give me a heart like David, Lord be my defense
So I can face my giants with confidence
You took a shepherd boy
And made him a King
So I’m gonna trust you and give you everything

'Cause you fight for me
So give me faith like Daniel in the lion’s den
Give me hope like Moses in the wilderness
Give me a heart like David, Lord be my defense
So I can face my giants with confidence
I’m gonna sing and shout and shake the walls
I won’t stop until I see 'em fall
Gonna stand up, step out when you call
Jesus, Jesus
when life looks insurmountable, trust in the Lord, just keep on going.....

unb - rebooting

i have a dream. today and today, yeah
tomorrow, tmr and tomorrow, believe me, believe me, believe me, yeah
to you who believed in me
i know. everyday i started, it was just new
everyday is hard, i've always wanted to give up
you were the one who trusted me. it was me who knew it
i'll never let you down
i have a dream
just do you with all you've got, don't look behind you

weekend musings #2

- completely completely unexpected, was drowning in eye clinics as usual when my friends started whatsapping that results were out, only had time to check when on that loooong dreary train journey home late at night completely sapped of energy so it was a really nice bright spot in the middle of a long long day
- i KNOW that God was with me in the snow all those years ago. i KNOW He picked me up when i tripped over those tree roots in the early morning runs up arthur's seats. i KNOW that He sent me there for a reason. i had always wondered why God would send me on a random detour but these few happy endings to my edin life start to make sense finally... like EIGHT YEARS after i left. to my past self, sending prayer missives out into the night sky over the rooftops, spoiler alert, IT'S GOING TO BE OK.

2) on another note, i have bought two (More)eye books and am mugging madly. i have 2.5 more months so i also dunno why i bought these books, but they seem to be teaching me things i seem to be supposed to have known previously (magically with osmosis and time), but didn't know
- important things i have now learnt: relationship between CCT and glaucoma. myopic fundus and what a tessellated fundus looks like
- 100000 things more yet to learn
- on another note i removed an fb eye the other day by myself (i was the on call on the daytime and everyone had gone for lunch). it was quite satisfying! i also learnt how to irrigate eyes after chemical injury - spent 1 hr irrigating someone's eye and missed the last train home, dr d passed by soooo many times commenting - wah u guys irrigate so long ah!

3) research. sigh. i keep praying for divine intervention. hopefully it will come soon. i wish i was better at this research thingY esp since my mentor is my HERO so i feel bad that i am obviouslynot very good at this. yknow its like when you are in school and you want to do your very best for your fav teacher, it feels exactly like that. sometimes when i sit in an ambulance (transferring pts etc) and sometimes with the flashing lights and all, i have this very strong feeling that THIS IS WHY I SIGNED UP FOR MEDICINE. and then closely followed by my guilt at being chui at research hahah cos it reminds me of my mentor oops. okok at least i have motivation and inspiration. the rest follows closely, i hope.

i don't really know what to say about these few months or the next 2.5 months remaining.... i guess i can only trust in God that wherever He has sent me in this life so far, He has done so for a Reason. and that even when we take diversions off the path he sends us (cough my three years of playing with kids), He always finds a way back for us. i remember once there was a (literal) door of mercy we could walk through and then after that we were supposed to go for confession. literally on the last day of this special thing i went for confession (last minute as always) and the priest actually commented "it's the last day! you made it just in time! God has been waiting for you to come back to Him" and woahhhhh the significance of that. (actually first the priest asked - actually what brings you here today? and i confessed - uh there is this door which i walked through and then supposed to do confession after that and now i'm here).

i think what i can say about this posting is this - i have clearly learnt alot and will learn alot more. i have also experienced a lot of God's graces during this time (maybe unrelated to the posting,but still happened during this chronological time period.). reading the liturgy of hours on the 1 hr journey to work on the train, always makes me feel closer to God, and starts the (always crazy) day off slightly better than it would be otherwise. i really think that despite the fact that i always feel out of my depth, God is still here in this posting with me, helping me to keep afloat (or rather, dragging me to shore on a daily basis.) i also know that i need to buck up STAT. maybe the info in my new books will help. i dont know. i can only try my very best and hope very hard in the goodness of God, that i can somehow survive 2.5 months more.

WE CAN DO THIS! let's go :)

Saturday, March 31, 2018

since You rescued me

through your eyes - britt nicole
Get it together
That's what I say to me
I put on the pressure
You could do better
Be who you're supposed to be

But that's when you came in
Right when I needed you
Said all of the things that I was believing
Not one of them were true

You lifted my head up
I was keeping my head down
I didn't know love
But I do now

'Cause you stood right there
And then you broke apart the lies
You told me I had something beautiful inside
You brought to life the part of me I thought had died
'Cause you stood right there until I saw me
I saw me through your eyes (saw me)

So this is living
This is free
Not keeping score
Not anymore

Not since you rescued me
You lifted my head up
I was keeping my head down
I didn't know love
But I do now

You love me even when I fall apart
I can't explain it
That's just who you are

its 4pm. my aim is to finish this research paper and send it off by 6pm. then drive to hosp to finish some last min stuff. and then go for easter vigil.


i really really want to go for easter vigil this year becos ive been able to experience so many night shifts these past 2 years or so only becos of God's grace in putting me in ed postings almost nearly all of my mo life (when looking at my cv and during interviews then i realised that it looks like practically all my postings are ed postings hahahaha. actually its true they are all ed postings! the funny thing is i didnt plan that at all it just kinda happened. and then the years somehow flew by so fast without me knowing it). i think if God has helped me through so many night shifts then i can spend one saturday night with Him at easter vigil.

you love me even when i fall apart 
but that's when you came in 
right when i needed you 
so this is living/ this is free
you lifted my head up

unfortunately this paper is not magically being written arghhh i need some inspiration....
ET, having writers block since 1989.....

sounds like a brill idea i can drive there and drive back home later too actually. guess the good thing about all those 2am drives home is that no one would say its dangerous to drive back at 2am now ;p
okok to work now

Friday, March 30, 2018

musings on past 3 mths of eye

SOOO it has been a very very steep learning curve the past 3 months.

but i am quite happy to report that
a) i passed the eye test! meaning i can do calls now (yeah having to pass a test to do calls definitely isnt the best incentive to pass the test hahah but nevertheless it was nice to realize during the test that i was able to answer the qns and knew things i didnt know three months ago. i really thought i would get zero marks but apparently i got >90%??? since that's the passing mark?? so now need to mug ALOTALOT)

b) picked up my first retinal detachment ytd, actually from history its very obvious. ive seen quite a few RD already but this is the first i picked up by myself ie take hx, dilate pt, look thru slit lamp and see a tear and retina billowing at me. altho i have alot more to be good at like is it inferior or superior (cos it was just billowing centrally leh) and LINCOFF rule and all. but still relieved i managed to pick up an RD all by myself!! *achievement unlocked

c) the past three months, getting to know and making friends with the nurses and photo people has been really great. not to mention my fellow saikang warriors who will go over with me to the other hospital in a few days time.

i think the best thing of all has been the friendships made. thanks guys for bearing with me, even though we all know i dont intend to be an eye resident haha. thanks for teaching me stuff and sorry for slowing you guys down. i am slowly becoming slightly more of a functional mo (not really by choice, by osmosis and also NECESSITY). sorry for having to clear every single conjunc and subconj haem so far hahahah i think if the cons are ok in the other hosp i am getting more confidence to discharge these people by myself (also no choice when on call by myself anyway...).

going to a new posting always feels like the first day of school... you have no idea what to expect, where everything is and all
but leaving it in God's hands...
when i was younger i used to sometimes not go for mass if i had loads of schoolwork or exams upcoming. but nowadays my mentality is that yknow whatever us humans do by ourselves is usually not sufficient, so i just heck it all and go for church and pray really hard for divine intervention and somehow it all works out splendidly! so uhhhh hoping that works again. there are tons of things to stress out like call, and uncertainties, and so many random things. also research which is neverending and which i am honestly terrible at

so yeah its good friday today will be going for that! and easter vigil if i ever finish my research paper. and then easter sunday! fav day of the year haha. this year, winter is really over and spring has come.

Saturday, March 24, 2018

weekend musings #1/ flower road

(started to number my weekend musings since there are so many lol)

spending my weekend on researcH... seem to spend all my life rushing out research projects

a few quick thoughts
- i LOVE listening to emrap podcasts in my free time
- seeing my big tintinalli book awaiting me makes me SO HAPPY. 3 more months to surviveeeee
- will NEVER EVER forget God's great kindness to me as long as i live
i think He knew that i had sort of idealized the streets of edinburgh becos of that footprints in the snow thing... and the fact that i was so amazed that prayers I had sent up all those nights looking out of my window over the rooftops of edin actually got answered -  He gave me the greatest gift EVER exactly in the same place where it all started.... sitting in the anatomy lecture theatre listening to the emergency medicine profs from the royal teaching us about the golden hour and abcs and trauma during my very first med sch lecture ever

indeed it is true... man can make his own plans, but in the end it is the Lord's way that prevails... and usually God answers our prayers in a manner FAR FAR BETTER than we could EVER EXPECT. (it also took a long time as when i was reading back my old posts, some of the posts were written like nearly 300+ days ago. that is a LONG TIME of waiting and i wont lie the time felt really long too haha. but in the balance of things, it's ok becos it somehow worked out hahaha)

some eye thoughts
- to the kind day surg nurses and aunties who feed me cake/ sandwiches/ milo/ biscuits - THANK YOU SO MUCH. for the acts of human kindness. really appreciate it
- to my friends in the photo room - THANK YOU for teaching me through the photos/ FFAs, i have learnt a LOT from the helpful mini teachings.
- to my fellow mopex mos in eye - b and me are very very slowly getting less noob (extremely slowly). i am really sorry that i am noob at eye still, but at least i no longer feel like the worst eye mo of all time (this may change when they tell us our test results,as i am 100% sure i can't get 90% for that test. i dont even think i can get 90% for an ED test..??) thank you guys for all the patience and for all you guys have taught me. i promise i will study eye really hard for these remaining three months and become less of a space occupying lesion and more of a functioning mo. in return, i can help you guys with plugs!! (altho, i strongly suspect b is MUCH BETTER at plug setting at me hahah as per the lyrical accounts from the pre op nurses)

aims for this weekend
- study some eye
- watch amal mattu ecg podcasts
- listen to some emrap podcasts
- church
- gym
- pay billz

ok i highly doubt i can do all these things lol

Friday, March 9, 2018

He makes everything beautiful in His time

so first off - it has been a very very long journey but THANK YOU GOD

to my family for believing in me despite me changing my direction from paeds to adult ed, most people wld have thought i was mad but they never mentioned it (i think they love emed themselves ahahahaha thats probably why)

to my closest friends i whatsapp nearly everyday d and a, i can never thank u guys enough for the encouragement all these years, and helping me never lose my God

to the ce people who first instilled the love of a&e in me, the skh people who first taught me all i know and love abt ed, the sgh people who taught me everything else and my many heroes in emed, bosses too numerous to name. fellow mos who slogged away with me at the queues, took my handovers. THANK U!!! :):)

and of cos to my edin med sch friends whom i remembered so vividly these few days traipsing around edin pre and post exam and my cg mates - thank u guys for making me who i am and for helping me survive med sch. 

coming back to edin for a few days has made me absolutely convinced that God was with me those days when i walked thru the snowy pathways feeling alone and despondent. that the one pair of footprints in the snow was the part where he carried me and that he never left me alone. theres no snow in sg but i know that in the story of my life, the last 3 yrs or so, walking in the dark tunnels of uncertainty, God was there guiding me. 

if He had not given me that skh/sgh emed posting at that exact time that he did i would never have learnt the wonders and excitement of emed. 

and on another note, to st jude saint of impossible things - thank you!!! i am sure you helped!! and mother mary whom i petitioned on a random saturday in the middle of organising medications, thank you so so much!!! 

sanctus real - confidence

I’m not a warrior I’m too afraid to lose I feel unqualified for what you’re calling me to But Lord with your strength I’ve got no e...