About Me

Monday, August 14, 2017

inspiration

http://msf-seasia.org/blogs/17613

chanced upon this lovely little piece of writing by a hongkong surgeon with MSF. ok, not chanced upon, i stalk the MSK blogs all the time. HAHA.

"Time flied and my three months mission finished. On the last day in South Sudan, I met the Hong Kong doctor that came to replace me. He was my senior in university. A few years back when I graduated, he handed over the CUHK alumni dragon boat team to me. And today in the airport of Bor, on the other side of the world, I passed on my mission in Bor to him. It was a very special feeling to have friends and mentors who strive for the same goal. As I waved him goodbye and stared at the back of the MSF car, enjoying the last of the hot breeze and dazzling sun, I knew I would be back again.
Life must go on after this unforgettable journey to South Sudan. Coming back to this familiar place, staring at these advanced equipment and well-equipped operating theatre, I know I am no longer the same." - dr shannon 

SO INSPIRED.

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FRCEM INTERMEDIATE VIDEOS, come on we can do this!!!

Sunday, August 13, 2017

you, clouds, rain

on a cool day, post night, plus a nice post night brunch (thx to a new friend for the treat as well as all the advice! it was much appreciated! one of the things i like abt ed is meeting loads of new people. haha reminds me of those days of spontaneousness) , many thoughts are running through my head

learning new korean vocab is so therapeutic. maybe i should watch some frcem intermediate videos instead to learn abt chest and abdo trauma. HAHA.on the bright side, i learnt how to say "stabbed in the chest" and "i have a fishbone in my throat" in korean. these are VERY USEFUL PHRASESS ok

~
i guess when you let go of everything, then you can let God take over. i guess letting go of everything is very very difficult. it can feel like giving up sometimes. but it's not abt giving up EVERYTHING. you still need to lead your life and go to work everyday. i dont really know how to describe it. i guess it's something like, if you dont focus on wanting something SO SO MUCH and just go about living your everyday life and hoping God will help figure your life out (since u cant figure it out urself), and as time goes by some things fall into place and some dont. and new things pop up like mushrooms in a fairy field. and you let some more things and people go. and so life goes. cycle of crabbyness and glucose drinks and starbucks and egg benedicts all starting to blend into each other like an indistinguishable ice blended. it may be quiche but it is what it is

sometimes it may be ironic, sometimes not so
sometimes u have no time to think at all

i guess what im trying to say is that life cannot be subsumed into something that is explained so easily.

and even that when one does sometimes get what one wants, sometimes its not the best. it seems like no matter how old i grow, i still have difficulty on a daily basis believing 100 percent that alot of the times God is saving me from something. i mean i KNOW it but it just doesnt ring true to me sometimes. haha. confessions. or i wish it was but sometimes it doesnt seem too clear.

i think part of the problem is that ive gone SO many circles of philosophy and internal explainations that they no longer make sense to me anymore. to the point that to explain something to myself, i'm like... I EXPLAINED THIS to myself already, it made perfect sense, and shit happend ANYWAY. so i dont really like this explaination particularly.

ok. THAT makes sense. HAHA.

actually life is really ok if i dont think bout it too much. just enjoying each day and chillaxing with my friends and the great nurses, and meeting my quota, esp with nice bosses, it really isnt the slightest chore at all. actually its a great joy. esp when the bosses are nice. like one of my HEROes the other night was like "e pls go back home!!" 5 mins later he u turns and comes back "actually i was just gonna ask, we're ordering supper do you want any?" HAha epic.

at the end of it ALL, it's God who smoothens our way, who makes five loaves and two fishes out of literally nothing (speaking of which my student bought mr bean for me. SO THANKFUL coz if not i would have STARVED. also the post 2 m&rs and pre nail avulsion dinner with IL was so great despite the usu hosp food. and also thankful for my new ortho friend who helps with those ortho xray readings. haha seee i have so much to be thankful for.).

so i should keep on the road, even if the lights have gone out multiple times and the path seems like an everchanging geographical landscape like the icelandic glaciers and volcanos. i might have felt ravenously hungry post shift and skipping dinners etc but im clearly still alive and clearly did not die from starvation as of yet.

i should keep on doing what is right.

and if one day, God ever decides that he might want to send someone my way, then i should NOT rely on my own deciding purely, but listen to that inner voice telling me whether it is the right person or not. because, to conclude, my own compass is severely lacking.

howeveR if that is not meant to be then i guess, after all these years of love poetry, i can accept that and that there is something better. cos i know there is so much more to life. and anyway i have been through SO EXTREMELY MUCH KOREAN DRAMA worth of krebby life cycles already that i think i have enough to fill TEN VOLUMES OF POETRY that probably no one will read. so i am NOT KEEN AT ALL to have new people to walk into my life to increase the number of poetry volumes that i produce. i think alot of it is that no matter how we said in sec sch that we dont define ourselves by who comes on a white horse to save us, i guess sometimes alot of the times we DO very much so. so this is me saying that GUESS WHAT there is quite enough thank you very much.

and that maybe God really does want me to go the msf route instead and that is something noticebly harder with a knight on a white horse, it wouldnt really fit onto the plane. and that i accept that and know that is actually the far more exciting and awesome life plan

ok enough roundabt metaphors. HAHA.

~




Rain is coming.
I thought of you.
I think so.
It was.
It does not matter.
Today is the day that I think about you for a long time.
I deliberately look for a song with you and me
It’s okay to be sad or depressed today.
If this night goes by anyway,
I’ll live with you for another time.
I’ll live in my heart.

Sometimes I go back.
I rather have this rain

The happiness that has been given to us
I think I wrote it too soon.
I think that’s it.
When this rain is over
I have to live again.
~
I just suddenly thought of you
It’s not that I miss you or anything
The way back home is too long
I guess I didn’t have enough to think about

Are you still the same as before?
Are you still the way I remember you?
~
I’m sorry, it’s my fault
Thank you, it’s all thanks to you
These were words you said out of habit
Even though I knew you were struggling too
You probably think I’m a fool

If I say that things are hard with a crying face
Will it really get better?
If I cry and say it hurts, who will have a harder time?
Everyone will be fine

Maybe we trapped each other
Inside our own misunderstandings
No, you don’t understand me
Whenever I see your worried eyes

We’re together but we’re not walking together
Loneliness and misery, the difference is only one memory
But why do you keep trying to write it as something else?

Friday, August 11, 2017

SVT/ all the adenosine in the world

beautiful lyrics to listen to on a rainy day!
night shift later

i love learning a new language. it feels like opening a whole new world. SO satisfying when i can read and understand the sogang 3a book! hahah. i'm at around chapter 6 now. bought sogang 3b the other day and it's lying there on the table just waiting to be opened.

yeaH there are many stresses and worries in life, but for what ive got so far, thank you God :) i truly dont even deserve this much so thank you.


cover by SVT dokyeom

When darkness falls
I’m left alone again
Until the day dawns I stay up thinking
It’s hard to understand

Today I tried to believe you
No matter how much I blame myself
It’s impossible to hate you
It’s impossible to trust you My memories haven’t faded

I must have loved you a lot back then
But I must have been the only one in love
It wasn’t the pain of losing you
It was the side of you I didn’t know that made me feel so lonely

When the sun rises it all becomes forgotten like this
To go back in time 
My memories don’t go that far

my heart misses it, but knows we no longer can be
Making it impossible to count on you again 
Impossible to want anything from you

~


jessica - summer storm 
I don’t wanna waste time
This too shall pass
Like always
I’ll be stronger once again

Don’t say it’s a beautiful farewell
Because it’s really selfish
Because it makes me have hope
Although it’s not for you

On that rainy day, you and I
The moment we didn’t say a word
Only awkward silence flowed between us
As it pushed us apart
With cold faces
Into the falling rain
Bring me back to the summer storms
With you and I

After it passed like a storm
And I opened my eyes
You’re no longer here
I realize
I truly believed you

I was afraid
Of not being able to see you that summer
Because I knew it could never go back
I was lost on winding paths but now
I won’t regret

~
BTOB minhyuk - purple rain


your back view that is still clear like stinging thorns 
I guess it rained overnight
I wondered if this was a dream
All those what-if’s
I’ll get used to it at the blink of an eye
Yea, I’ll get used to it
I believe it, I hypnotize myself
I’ll become indifferent

Falling in the rain
Oh Falling

What was the problem?
Was it even a problem?
Hanging onto a question without an answer
I try to get an answer but
The only thing remaining
Is this damn habit, this cruel habit
Of still seeing you clearly when I open my eyes
The habit of drawing you out in the falling rain

I’ll be straight forward, I still regret it
It doesn’t matter on who was right or wrong
Trapped in the illusions of if-only’s
It’s too late for us to start again

tomorrow, today



Why must I decide about tomorrow, today?
How should I know what tomorrow will bring?
My path and my dreams are fading

If I could turn back time
And see my future
I would know which way to go
I would know where my path is

Why are you telling me to choose
When I only have my eyes half-open?
Somebody let me know
Tell me which way to go
Cuz I don’t, don’t, don’t know

Again today, there are questions I don’t know
I’m trying to answer but I’m not confident
Is it this way or that way?
I’m afraid of my decision

With an anxious heart heart heart heart
I’m standing in front of the next next next choice
Between paths that I’ve never gone on before
How can I find my way? I’m afraid, day by day

Even when I’m busy, they endlessly ask
I’m going forward but I keep looking back
What will I become at the end?
Will I regret it if I look back later on?

I clench my fists but I’m still timid
But I stop myself and try to have courage

Across the disappearing day
I’m standing right here
As I let go of another day that I can’t turn back
Tell me, tell me
So tell me which way to go

Sunday, July 30, 2017

this is the sound of surviving



a comment on one of the youtube vids from nichole nordeman's new album: " Some music is just nice, but this is more. Some transports you to places you've been, things you've seen, and makes you think about how miraculously God can bring you through fire and joy and everything in between." THIS. EXACTLY HOW I FEEL ABOUT HER MUSIC. altho there is a little more fire than joy. but there is joy too. LIKE FRCEM PRIMARY. thank you for that dear God! means alot to me, surviving that, for various reasonS. (of course the classic is her song i am) but the new songs give a hard fight toooo [Verse 1] They told me I'd never get to tell my story Too many bullet holes It would take a miracle These voices Inside my head like poison Trying to steal my hope Silencing my soul [Pre-Chorus 1] But my story is only now beginning Don't try to write my ending Nobody gets to sing my song [Verse 2] These pieces The ones that left me bleeding Intended for my pain Became the gift You gave me I gathered those pieces into a mountain My freedom is in view I'm stronger than I knew [Pre-Chorus 2] And this hill is not the one I die on I'm going to lift my eyes and I'm going to keep on climbing [Bridge] I'm still here Say it to the pain, say it to the rain Say it to your fear [Chorus 2] This is the sound of surviving This is my farewell to fear This is my whole heart deciding I'm still here, I'm still here

you were only always here/ every mile mattered

so i woke up to find one of my favorite singers released a new album reccently and this song popped up on my spotify!


you're here - nichole nordeman

[Verse 1]
In my younger years
I found You beneath the steeple
In the faces of Your people
Could hear You in the hymns
In my younger years
Then later on
I met You on a road, once winding
Seeking but not always finding
With the building gone
You still loved me later on

[Pre-Chorus]
Anywhere You are is sanctuary
Everywhere You are is where I'm free

[Chorus]
You're here, You're here
The only invitation that You need
Is the very air I breathe
You're here, You're here
I will never be alone
You will be always be my home
'Cause You're here

[Verse 2]
In the same small room
Staring at the life I've chosen
Hoping that the door's still open
To give my heart to You
In this same small room
What could separate
Me from all the ways You love me?
Nothing below or above me
Could get in the way
This is what You say

[Bridge]
You're still in my story, when my tears fall on the dirt
You're there in the morning, wrapping grace around what hurts
You were in the questions, in the silence on the phone
You were paying cab fare, making sure I made it home
I believed in too far, I believed in my worst fear
But You were never moving closer, You were only always here!

You will always be my home
I don't have to be alone

every mile mattered - nichole nordeman 
[Pre-Chorus]
I see shoulda beens, coulda beens
Written all over your face
Wrong turns and bridges burned
Things you wanna change

[Chorus 1]
It's history
You can't rewrite it
You're not meant to be trapped inside it
Every tear brought you here
Every sorrow gathered
Yeah, it's history
And every mile mattered

[Verse 2]
Get the box off the top shelf, with the black and white
Snapshots of your old self, in a better light
Ghosts and regrets back again, I can see it in your eyes
Send them home, let 'em go

[Chorus 2]
But it's history
It don't define you
You're free to leave
It all behind you

[Bridge]
And every road and every bend
Every bruise and bitter end
All you squandered, all you spent
It mattered, it mattered
Mercy always finds a way
To wrap your blisters up in grace
And every highway you'd erase
It mattered, it mattered

~
you were there, in the snowy runs in edinburgh. you were there when i tripped over a tree root. you were there when i fell and picked myself up again, running up arthur's seat on a slow sunday morning. you were there when i thought i saw fireworks but what i saw was actually an illusion. walking with the wrong person, in the wrong country, on what was literally the wrong path. you were there as the darkness lifted and the night came to an end, when i was sitting in the taxi home, trying to find enough money for the cab fare. you were there telling me that despite what i thought, there was a plan after all, there was an end to all the eternal heartbreaks.

you were there when no one believed in me, you sent angels to wipe my tears in the stairways. you still send angels to encourage me when i feel down. like dr j. i am SO so endebted to her encouragement, i think she has no idea how much strength she gave me just from what she told me. 

in the same small room, staring at the life i've chosen, hoping that the door's still open
i realize that you were only always here. after all these years, you're still here. 

and every road and every bend, every bruise and bitter end, it mattered, mercy always finds a way :)

random sunday thoughts

kutless - identity
I’ve been looking from the outside, outside
I’ve been walking on a straight line, straight line
Scared to let the world see my failures, who I am, or who I’ve been

I’ve been waiting for somebody else to
Take the chance that I am so afraid to
I don’t know how to find myself am I the only one the only one

I am so tired of trying to prove it I’m never gonna do it alone
God I need You to be my identity

It’s always easier to hide behind that
Camouflage that keeps our hearts so guarded
But there’s no shame when we surrender everything to You
Everything to You


"Overcome"

You can’t see a way, then a mountain moves,
Skies are lonely gray, then the sun breaks through,
When your darkest hour surrenders to the dawn.

No where left to turn, but the sea will part,
Running out of hope, still He holds your heart,
And He won’t let go, He’s with you through it all.

His love will overcome, overcome,
His love has already won, already won.

Will you take a stand, and a step of faith,
Will you trust the hands, that calm the waves,
You don’t have to ever be afraid, He is with you through it all.
Deep and wide an endless tide from age to age,
Stronger than whatever we will face.


~

i really love the new parish prayer. that without needing to get on a plane to spain, we are on this camino called life. tell me about it. 

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