Saturday, February 24, 2018

He Knows

learning something new is never easY

I somehow (barely) survived one week of acc with a lot of help from my friends, and daily morning liturgy of the hours reading sitting in that small little room before acc opens

I guess anything that brings me closer to God is good

I dont feel prepared for exam at ALL

but I think its not just about the exam? its the general uncertainty of life that gets to me. not to mention the backdrop of daily life where from being a high functioning mo who can m&r and t&s and odd its all by myself suddenly having to beg people to come and review my cases (not sure why I have to beg them when its not like I can send the pt off by myself anw.... but I just have this deep-seated feeling that I am severely inconveniencing the person I am dragging to eyeball my pts). yea. that gets stressful. maybe it will get better, someday, hahah, I don't know. I just am literally depending on God to save me from myself daily. so far it seems to have kinda worked. I realized that if you ask people nicely most times they will help. MOST times. hahah I was asking a nurse for a fellow's number and I sneaked up behind her and asked her in a very sweet voice for it - she literally jumped in the air. me "why'd u jump!" nurse "cos u asked so nicely! usually people don't ask so nicely!" LOL

this posting is teaching me a lot about LIFE

so I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, living one day at a time, doing what I have to and hoping and praying that my God is with me every step of the way

and that maybe one day, if He so wills, may He show me the way

I once saw a peek of the way in a taxi post night shift
but since then I think I've fallen off the road so far and so hard and the winds and desert storms and life just came in and I haven't been able to find my way back

Saturday, February 17, 2018

love scenario

happy cny guys~

first time in 2 years i get the whole cny weekend off ie GOLDEN WEEKEND.
but im also itching to go back to shift work... hahah conundrums

meanwhile here's my current jam ie IKON's comeback song love scenario which is currently topping the sk charts

i'm also really enjoying the winter olympics coverage...dreaming of white christmases and going skiing again one day.... not to mention also dreaming of upcoming hols in june

i need to survive
- eye A&E test - in order to do eye calls
- FRCEM intermediate
- write up my paper

on another note i really want to teach sunday school.yeah i know right what are these primary school kids gonna learn from me and my EXTREME JADEDNESS and burnout?! i dont know either. but i keep walking past these promo posters after church and they use such pretty calligraphy and slogans such as "feed my lambs" and "come and follow me" and put my weaknesses like photos of footprints in the sand and i can't help but feel that i am called to go join the sunday school ministry.... maybe this is the time after wanting to do it for so many years... haha.

Thursday, February 15, 2018

on spring

so hopefully winter will end soon and spring and summer will come (?)

these 2 mths have taught me a lot abt life, happiness, what is happiness, etc

pre cny, feeling happy at the impending half day of work HAHA, its been awhile since i had days off on public holidays... abt 2 yrs of shift work i think? public hols are like a foreign concept

yet mixed in with that is the realization of how much i love and miss shift work and ed. how much despite the day off, i would LOVe to be in an ed instead right now

sitting in a room before the rest of the busy center springs to life, waiting for the phone calls to start flooding in like the spring rains, reading laudate on my phone, doing lauds from the liturgy of hrs as d first taught me many years ago

the liturgy of hours has tided me through many years of clinical work now. from making the days just a little bit brighter to ending the long nights with a before bed little prayer missive. predawn energy bar before m5 geri posting in ah, a posting that randomly i learnt how to see God in all my patients. in the lift going up to my first few ed shifts,  having severe palpitations and diaphoresis not knowing anything at all. meeting chai who showed me around on the first day (isnt it funny how God works?)

so yeah. in life there arent always things that we like. like i cant deny that i always preferred christmas to cny for the reason that christmas seems happy and joyful - a birthday, a miracle, presents, carols, a day we feel grateful to God for, a cute baby, trees, lights. whereas cny my whole life has been about spring cleaning, looking into areas of our lives which has dirt left unattended to for the longest time. facing uncomfortable things we'd tried to ignore. wearing stiff and new clothes for the first time. doing a lot of chores and things we never do except once a year.

and this year the beginning of lent and cny also happens to coincide. LENT - also not my fav season. it connotates sacrifice, 40 days in the desert, being alone, far from God. giving up things, suffering. yeah it ends with easter sunday which is supposed to be happy. but the truth is that i have spent so many easter sundays singing in a haze of disbelief thinking that any time now i will wake up from the dream.

i guess these preconceptions are hard to break. but yesterday as i made it to ash wednesday after clinic (after not being able to hail or book a cab for 20 mins and taking a long circuitous mrt route where i also overshot my mrt station..). ash wednesday, another day with strong connotations of sacrifice, penances and sins... a day i dont ever dare to miss since missing one time in my youth....

reaching halfway through the mass and leaning against the wall, turning around and realizing what i was leaning against was the church logo - 2 fish and 5 loaves. tracing the blue tiles that made up the fish and realizing that in this life, it was only when i truly believed with a child like faith and was at the end of my tether, that God would give me from two fish and 5 loaves, fish and bread in abundance, more than i had ever expecter or deserved

 never in the time i had thought, but in His time. and that he had never ever failed me, not even once, just that it also rarely occured according to a timetable i had wanted.

but that it was BETTER in God's timetable

so as lent comes, i have a whole new host of lenten resolutions. may this lent be hopefully less angst than others, may i hopefully grow closer to God, may we finally have a happy easter sunday and springtime. and may cny be filled with rejoicing, good food and happiness (and may we all clean out what is dusty, undeserving, and the spider cobwebs in our life. and if there be some cobwebs still, to consider that that cobweb cld be God's way of protecting us from sth, just that we dont know what it is)

Sunday, February 11, 2018

was hoping by now/ i would be closer/ have it all figured out

usual weekends spent studying for exams/ listening to sanctus real/ church later on

random musings - workin out is really super essential to sanity and happiness!! managed to go to pump on fri night and interval training on sat. it was really great. i think its the endorphins that makes me so happy haha. plus KL is SUCH a gem with all his random comments during the pump class that makes us all can't help but giggle halfway thru squats. i also really enjoyed the HIIT interval training with the 18kg deadliftS haha felt so strong and unextinguishable doing those deadlifts for some reason

my view on my current state of noobness: i need to GET OUT of this self pitying I DONT KNOW ANYTHING SAVE ME I AM A SPACE OCCUPYING LESION mentality and BUCKUP.

i need to learn by end of feb
1) BIO - with bio simulator
2) gonioscopy
3) b scan

plus get better with seeing stuff with slit lamp. i can see optic disk... so now more of the retina/ macula stuff

and need to go thru all the ppts thoroughly as well

then early march - will spend it studying for exam
then after exam (and the little post exam holiday and soujourn to st patrick's church!) - then i will go back to mugging eye

then maybe another exam in june???! Godwilling...

to summarize:
I CAN DO THIS. i am SUPERWOMAN. ok not really. but with God by my side, i can do it no matter how completely impossible it looks

sanctus real changed
[Verse 1]
I thought it'd be different
Was hoping by now
I would be closer
Have it all figured out
Been counting the reasons
Been feeling the weight
Of all of my failures
And every mistake

And though I cannot see
I know you promised me
You're making a new heart
Where the old one used to be

[Verse 2]
The pain that I've carried
Is being replaced
There's a brighter future
I see it in my eyes
There used to be darkness
But now there's a fire

'Cause the One who began a good work in me
Is faithful to make me complete
You're the Author, Perfector, my Hope and my Healer
The reason that I believe
I can change, oh I can change

I'm gonna be changed
A little each day
Even when I fall I'll trust You when You say
I'm gonna be changed
By Your grace
You won't let me stay the same as yesterday
I'm gonna be changed
Oh I can change

sanctus real ride it out

Sometimes you feel like you're losing yourself in this life
You're a ship with your sails set high and there's wind in the air tonight
You pray someone saves you
Before the storm takes you

When you feel afraid
Don't you turn around in the sea of doubt
You don't want to drown if the ship goes down
So clear your eyes
Keep your sails high
And ride it out
The waves they will shake you
They may strike fear in your heart
Oh, this trial will shape you
Help you find life in the dark
When you stand on the edge of an ocean
Don't let it swallow your faith
And ride it out through the sea of doubt
Don't let your fear steal your finest hour
Embrace the ride
The wind will take you where you're meant to be
The waves will break when your Creator speaks
And when it's over you will clearly see
That the storm was only there to show you what it takes to believe

Saturday, January 27, 2018

underwater/ you, clouds, rain

just plodding along in this time and place
bleary eyed mornings, taking the train home in the evenings like a quashed tuna sandwich
dreaming of mountains with wide open expanses, the first snow crunching underneath my feet, footprints in the snow, the salmon leaping up the rivers in the summers

list of happy things/ things that made life bearable this past week
- the day ward cleaner auntie feeling sorry i had to stay back late and giving me milo and water (literally genuine human kindness!! i cant describe how grateful and touched i felt at her act of kindness)
- going around begging for HD bed at 7pm and the gs reg feeling sorry for me i had to stay back so late (lol) "okok you sms me the details after i round i see if i can help you guys. then you go back first let the on call settle... eye mo shld go back early one no need to stay so late". then begging from ortho reg, feeling scared then opened up the on call list only to see the ortho reg on call was A ie my good friend hahaha AWESOME
- being able to see the fundus + optic disk nearly consistently and bilaterally with dilated slit lamp exam!!
- the half day with clinics blocked that meant we could all go out for lunch at merci marcel
- friends who cover me for the day so i can go for supervisor clinic (and my very nice and kind supervisor!)
- knowing i did the right thing by sending pts to ed (after some period of self agonizing, sometimes really no choice need to send... i usually follow up by checking with my ed friends who saw the pt and they concurred that it was right to send)
- the weekend studying - for exams and also increasing my eye knowledge - next skill to pick up is gonio, and BIO as well

aims for this wkend
- study gonioscopy
- go to church
- at least 10 frcem qns

:) happy wkend everyone!

Saturday, January 20, 2018

and i will still be here, stargazing

going for a tagcall in 2 hrs! thanks to f for letting me follow!
currently sitting at home doing frcem intermediate qns

yesterdaY after clinics ended, i made it for pump with KL my fav teacher! it was a HILARIOUS class. i was feeling a little skyblue but literally five mins into the pump class and all of us cant help but giggle. KL's classes are all like that

kl: thank you all for coming, even though it's raining - ? what? it's not raining? har, come already leh
*during a really hard bicep track* kl: just anyhow anyhow do! just do something!

also had coffee and cinnamon bun pre class which is not good for weight loss but very good for happiness HAHA. ok whatever. if im happy i'll go runnin more often!

this year (this life really). i choose happiness
yeah somethings are transient and sometimes they said that to bear the hard times first and then happy times will come (xian ku houtian in chinese). sorry i think thats very masochistic. ive had quite enough of that lifestyle, i personally think its a maxim NO ONE shld live by. just be happy everyday. its not like most of life is within your control anyway.

stargazing - kygo
You're saying it's hopeless, that I should hope less
Heaven can help us, well maybe "she" might
You say it's beyond us, what is beyond us?
Let's see and decide
We've been meteoric, even before this
Burns half as long when it's twice as bright
So if it's beyond us, then it's beyond us
Let's see and decide

And I will still be here, stargazing
I'll still look up, look up
Look up for love

I'm trying to save us, you don't wanna save us
You blame human nature, and say it's unkind
Let's make up our own minds, we've got our whole lives
Let's see and decide, decide

Stars don't disappear, they keep blazing
Even when the night is over
And I will still be here, stargazing
I'll still look up, look up
Look up for love
That's how I find the light
cant remember when i first heard this song? somewhere on the radio maybe on one of those drives to work. or maybe its from rpm? the chorus sounds very electronic and the beat sounds like those rpm DONT FALL DONT GIVE UP FOR LOVE

you're saying it's hopeless, that i should hope less - STORY OF MY LIFE
and i will still be here, stargazing...

two roads

one of my favorite poems!! i remember inscribing this onto my lit journal when i was ?sec 3 ? sec 4, in a last minute bid to illustrate it. little did i know how much i would grow to love it

the wintery cadence of the poem, the immediate picture that springs to mind the moment one starts reading the lines aloud in one's mind. apparently robert frost wrote this cos he spent many lovely days having winter walks with his friends. haha.

The Road Not Taken 
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.


i dont really know what to say about the all the thoughts that are swirling in my head like a hurricane more than an ice cream cone swirl. 

sometimes poetry says it better than i ever could or will. many poems are percolating in the coffee grinder of my mind but i dont know when the coffee beans of my life will ever be ready to become a latte or a cappucino

to be frank, i could either be VERY POSITIVE or very negative, the truth is that i am too balanced (and indecisive) and hence am neither - read: i end up being VERY CONFUSED. 

on one hand, i am clearly very blessed by God to have ended up as a doctor (and had really great length and breadth and depth of postings and met alot of great people these few years). 
on the other hand - yeah i dont think it needs to be explained, or should be explained. HAHA. but it can end well ok. I TRUST IN GOD THAT IT ENDS WELL. lets put it this way, it may have a really really happy ending where i can sing songs of praise to God and say YES HE WORKED MY MIRACLE FINALLY or the other way is... omg i dont want to think of any other way. GOD IS GOING TO HELP ME *extreme faith

let's put it this way, i felt more than a little useless (yet happy that i could see the fundus) when yesterday's clinic session i couldnt see ANYONE'S FUNDUS in ALL THE DILATED PATIENTS and the optometrist kindly showed it to me for her patient after i assiduously helped her print mcs and medications for her patients. altho i think it was a little awkward when i said "OK! print hypermellose eye drops? nothing special la sure!" and she was like "LOL nothing special?" well lubricants only what not timolol or xalatan or simbrinza... hahah. anyway i felt a little useless that mbbs only to print lubricants and mc. not even one week but one day leh. 

maybe God is working through this posting to give me small little hints and encouragements just that i'm too dazed by the bright lights of the slit lamp to see. like they coded blue the other day and when the ed people burst thru the doors my first instinct was HI GUYS YOU ARE HERE... wait why are you guys here?? (more on that privately, msg me if u are keen to find out the full story). and in return they were like "HELLO HELLO! it's e*******!" maybe it's one of those things. like the waters are flooding around me and God sends first someone in a boat then someone in helicopter to save me. yups

ANYWAY to conclude, i think i shall take a leaf out of mr frost's book. as in literally and metaphorically. HAHA. early morning poetry musings

I read some online analyses just now which said that the poem was more of a ironic one? that he actually meant to say, in some lights, the two paths were actually the same:

And both that morning equally layIn leaves no step had trodden black.

and he wrote it to poke some fun at his friend whom he used to take winter walks with who used to regret that he didnt take the other path and show him some cool stuff.

so yeah. i resolve to see the cool stuff, whichever path i take, whichever roads i travel
i resolve to be the best doctor i can no matter what posting i am in , no matter how steep the learning curve (read: very steep)

i resolve to see the fundus by the end of THIS WEEK no matter how many clinics or tag calls i do

becos if i cant do this, there is no way i can a) survive this posting b) survive upcoming cgh calls c) be a good doctor in this posting which is gonna last a while anyway and anyway i came here to learn this precise skill so....

for the future....
God has my future in His hands. He only knows.

i'm actually really tired of looking forwards and backwards and second guessing my second guesses and trying to figure out what things i did right or wrong each time.

i actually spent one year living life to the fullest and doing precisely what i wanted and resolving to not let all these things affect me. but every year around this time all the stresses come back and i get bogged down by all the matters of the world. WELL I WON'T anymore. i shall go back to my happy carefree life where i do precisely what i want, live this life to the fullest, dream of my extreme medicine (and do whatever it takes to get me there). and learn everything i can, both in breadth and depth to be the best doctor i can, and leave the rest to God. He brought me so far, I'm sure He won't leave me alone now.

that being said! thank u to d and a for always listening to me all these years. im sure its no coincidence that God put us in each other's lives. thank you for always keeping me close to God all these years. im very sure that i would have lost my God many years ago if not for you guys, always dragging me back whenever i roamed too far like a lost sheep. telling me not to be silly and that God hasnt given up on me, entertaining my emed dreams, reminding me of all my epiphanies w.r.t emed and even remembering them better than me!

also thank you to the eye people who teach a lot and are very nice despite all the crappy cases i have sent in the past, very sorry about the one year of conjunctivitis cases. and to my batchmate T, it's so nice to have a friend in the new posting! i can't describe how nice it is to meet a familiar face haha. its great. altho i kinda also know the eye peeps since ive been referring cases to them for 1.5 years. pwahaha.  

He Knows

learning something new is never easY I somehow (barely) survived one week of acc with a lot of help from my friends, and daily morning li...