About Me

Friday, December 8, 2017

preshift musings

For from him and through him and for him are all things.
    To him be the glory forever! Amen.

romans 11:36

sooo was supposed to have french online lessons today but it got postponed to postnight cos my teacher's car broke down. haha. but her skype status really cheered me up immensely!

life has been BUSY haha with travelling most of nov. and alot of impt lessons in vigilance in ed. conf with many friends and particularly yummy exotic food was great. and i also became better at cardiac ultrasound hahah. 

i would like to express my undying gratitude towards the AWESOME bosses who somehow still trust in me and gave me chances for procedures. 2nd chest tube done! and sucess tooo :):) happiness~

having picked an UTTERLY RANDOM next posting, i conclude that, i really love ed, and after this six months, i would like to never do anything but ed again. i initially thought that leaving paeds/ce was the hardest thing to do. BUT NO. leaving this ed which i love and spend most of my waking hrs in is one of the hardest things i have eveR done. 

but i guess just have to trust in God that it all works out. hahahaha. let's not get into the part of fatalism and pessimism. 

have been thinking ALOT of that, and Life, and things. but in the end i concluded that we can only do the best we can with this life, this moment, this day. and yeah, that includes doing all we can to be the best doctors we can, best human beings we can. that also happens to be INCREDIBLY hard but we can always try. and that also includes relaxing in the timeoff we have hahahaha to be better well rested drs when the shift actually starts. IN TEH ZONE. 

ok. actually i just hope to survive this night shift. as with all nights. 
and the next day. as with all days. and so it goes on~

Sunday, November 19, 2017

prayer in a box


I trust in you, and have full faith in you... 


"They who trust in him will understand the truth" - Wisdom 2:23 - 3:9   

the answer


i am TOTALLY awed by the goodness of God. i woke up today half asleep after another busy shift ytd. and not to mention the exciting but stressful resus shift the day before that. anyway to sum up there are MANY THINGS stressing me out right now but anyway i somehow dragged myself out of bed to church and i wasnt really sure if God could hear me becos i have ALOT ALOT of prayers all the time and i think in my past God has alr answered many of my prayers and granted alot of miracles and i dunno whether one can run out of miracles? so i wasnt expecting too much but then i just prayed anyway hoping

so ANYWAY i literally just reached home and opened my email and i got an email out of the blue from my supervisor saying he will write a recletter for me and i didnt even ask him to! literally the temporal relationship was just.... JAW DROPPING. it's like God using my boss (who is btw a very devout christian) to tell me that IT IS GOING TO BE OKAY. like those pple in the flood and God keeps sending pple in the helicopters and boats to save them


so i dont know what is gonna happen and whether i can survive
a) tonight's night shift (probably but i will come out looking VERY SHAG and leave VERY LATE as usual, which is terrible since i havent packed my luggage..)
b) my presentation (for which i learnt r in ONE NIGHT)
c) my flight (pls God please help us be safe......)
d) the one million residency related apps thingy and also my posting appraisal
e) my next posting which i dont even know what it is, or even let's not talk abt residency apps, i long ago left it to God because it is toooo stressful to keep stressing abt it. lets put it this way. it has been like 3 yrs since i graduated. if God wants me to get it, i'm sure that he will work out a way. clearly his plans must be greater than mine. i know he has A PLAN, i knew that without a doubt the way i saw the mopex posting sghed. i just dont know the precise plan. well i hope he has a plan because I HAVE NO MORE PLANS c,d,e etc. except to fly off to join msf tmr. which is not a gd plan becos i want to have some more training becos i dont think i am very helpful right now to them. i can be more helpful with better training! i know it... 

ok to cut a long story short, i just know God is going to save me and i think He just sent His first boat to save me from not one year of the flood but YEARS OF FLOATING AROUND IN THIS FLOOD. and no i cant walk on water but thank God literally that He taught me how to swim

jeremy camp - the answer
So many questions, the world is reaching
So many hurting, so many lost
With all this thriving, who can we lean on?
Creations crying, out from the dark

I know the answer, to every question
The one solution, to every fear
I know my helper, where it comes from
Jesus, He is the answer

He sees our sadness, He feels our sorrow
And in our weakness, He is strong
He holds the weight of, all of our failings

Let every heart awaken
To see it's You who saves us
You are my help and the rock on which I stand
You are my helper, where it comes from
Jesus, You are the answer

jeremy camp - my defender

[Verse 1]
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow
And I stand face to face with the enemy
I will know that I am not forsaken
You surround me when the fire's at my feet

[Verse 2]
I can see You when the night is closing in
And I will trust You when it seems that there's no hope
And I hold tight to the promise You have given
'Cause this I know and I am confident

You're my defender
You fight for me
I will remember
You're all I need
You are my healer
My remedy
Against the power of the unknown
And I will not stand alone
'Cause You're my defender

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

all in

found this AMAZING SONG on spotify. such good inspiration for pre-conf research prep. (thank God for this day off for me to do stuff)

[Verse 1]
My feet are frozen on this middle ground
The water's warm here but the fire's gone out
I played it safe for so long the passion left
Turns out safe is just another word for regret

[Pre-Chorus 1]
So, I step to the edge and I take a deep breath
We're all dying to live but we're all scared to death
And this is the part where my head tells my heart
You should turn back around but there's no turning back now

I'm going all in
Headfirst into the deep end
I hear You calling
And this time the fear won't win

[Pre-Chorus 2]
So, I step to the edge and I take a deep breath
I'm not turning back around 'cause there's no turning back now

All to you Jesus, I freely give
As long as there's breath in these lungs I will live
With reckless abandon, my heart in Your hands
I surrender it all, I'm going all in

I believe that one day I will see Your kingdom come
And I wanna hear You say, "Welcome home my child, well done"


this encapsulates my life philosophy perfectly, why i do the crazy things i do. YES i realize even after all these years i am so so far from perfect. and half the time i am like WHY AM I DOING THESE CRAZY THINGS. and the other half the time im like, i wouldnt pick myself for anything anyway. and most of the time i'm just in a GOD SAVE ME FROM MYSELFFFF FUNK coz i know that sometimes my greatest enemy is my procrastinationZ. haha. but i guess it all worked out somehow. I REALLY HOPE THIS WORKS OUT. COS THERE IS NO MORE PLAN C. there is just a hope in something greater than me out there.

oh man back to research MUST FINISH. come on i can do thisssss
no more off days after today so must miraculously finish this tonight......

more good stuff
you are known from the same album

If you wonder if the prayers you pray
Are bouncing off the ceiling, you're feeling alone
I want you to know-ow-ow-oow, know-ow
You are known

[Verse 1]
Dear anonymous, the one that nobody sees
So insignificant, or so they made you believe
You will never be more than not quite good enough
Dear invisible, you're not invisible, no
This ain't the end, it's just the start of unbelievable
And you wouldn't even believe if you saw what I see in you

[Verse 2]
I know your greatest fear, I know your biggest mistake
Every square inch of your heart, I know what makes it break
And I am the One who bends down and picks up every single piece
Every single breath you breathe, every single hair on your head
Even the chapters of your life that haven't happened yet
And I know the plans that I have are bigger than your wildest dreams

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

aiming for hope

lovely song by david archulecta :)

Verse 1]
Watching the sky
Changing colors colliding tonight
Till I’m under a blanket of stars
Can’t help wondering where you are
Where you are

The darker it gets
The more I can see it

When you’re alone
And don’t know when the night will end
Just remember it’s never too long
So be strong
‘Cause there’s always a ray of hope

[Verse 2]
If there’s a way
A way to clear all these clouds
I’d show you how
There are always signs
Right above you
Made of lights, burning bright


101 things to dooooo as always. they are always the same but neverendinggg. research, study, work. in the end all i ever do is work and sleep HAHA.
anyway had a nice relaxing break! when life rolls on and on we never have any time to think of much but when you're on vacation you have time to think through stufff

except this vacation was a little bit abt extreme sports LOL so i spent quite abit of time hoping that i would survive all the extreme sports i signed up for - happy to report that i indeed survived all that my over-enthusiastic and ambitious planning landed me up in~

i also managed to fit in about 6 frcem intermediate qns from the book "get through mcem b", and learn loads of french through podcasts when in transit so that was great :)

there were many happy moments (in between trying not to fall off mountains) and beautiful sceneries but i think my ABSOLUTE FAV was when i was trekking behind H the guide thinking to myself how nice the footsteps in the snow was and wondering if God was trying to give me a little pick-me-up with the footprints-in-the-snow thing (seeing as how i have managed to survive like the past 7 years just remembering how God brought me through edinburgh with the one pair of footprins in the snow...) and H turned around and says "i'm really happy right now cos it's the first snow!"

trekking in the first snow of the season was really really awesome. also cos i knew (having been to that exact spot before haha) that even though the path looked scary and dangerous - that it actually wasn't! and that i had made it through that path before and could do it again. so i wasn't that freaked of the heights. haha.

okay off to enjoy my 2 days more of leave before i go back to work ~

Wednesday, October 18, 2017


more prenight shift musings

sometimes in the middle of all the rushing i feel like im hanging on by a rather small thread. not that i can't handle stress just that sometimes i think like HOW am i gonna finish all this mountain of stuff in time

i happily made it to church last sunday and just incidentally went for confession, didnt think too much abt it.

theN i came back and somehow managed to complete and prettify my presentation which i had been languishing on, trying to polish FOREVER to NO AVAIL. and sent it off to my boss for vetting. i was sooo amazed. plus i had such a nice resus shift ytd. it's things like this. its not that its an obligation to go to church per se (well it is, but yknow what i mean). its just that when you take one hour off your life to spend time with God, somehow somehow everything works out so nicely and smoothly that it's really amazing.

yeah ok i still have alot to work on. like when situations or people irritate me. i need to pre-psycho myself with loads of inducements (like retail therapy) so that im happy then i dont get irritated without thinking bout it! i can handle it at work and respond nicely to requests. its in my personal life that i guess my guard isnt up cos... DUH its slacking off time then i get very easily irritated. oh well. im human, what to doooo

things to do today
- claim weekend work pay
- ppt script
- ?? book tickets

"you're the right moment at the right moment
you're the sunlight that keeps my heart going"
henry "it's you"
sounds alittle bit like photosynthesis HAHA

i'm with you


SUCH a lovely and inspiring post!! shows that there are many way to follow one's dreams
and her drawings are so pretty.

i don't think i can make it to wearing that MSF white shirt before i'm 30 sighhh. it will be awhile

i honestly dont even know if when push comes to shove, i will be able to.

ok, i also think alot of it is idealistic dreams. yknow when you are young you just wanna SAVE THE WORLD, MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE.

and then life rolls around and true - its very exciting doing resus shifts (MUCH LOVE to the awesomest boss EVER i had the honor of doing a resus shift with today. it was soooo great and under control thanks to him. he even sent a pt to HD by himself. *britishaccent "im escorting the pt to hd" then he left LOL. all of us "did the con just send the pt to HD???"  nurses "wow he's really setting a good example" (as in they meant that he was setting a gd example by being hands on and all"))

but yea i guess after a year in ed i also know that it's not all IDEALISTIC SHINY SAVE THE WORLD. reality often intervenes.

i really do not know if i can make it to MSF. BUT. the dream of doing so somehow feels very very real. it would be MUCHHHH better if i could graduate from ed residency first becos then i would be really valuable to them. haha what a neat and easy seeming plan, just taking slightly longer than expected to come to fruition huh??

but anyWAY as this person writes in her inspiring article - there are many ways to help even if it's not what one expects. i didnt have to take the mcat but TRUST ME there was plenty of difficulty in getting to today. i am truly grateful to God for even helping me to get to this position of a ed medical officer. i would really like to repay him in some way. be it some way i have not even imagined yet, or perhaps what seems so real - my childhood dream - wearing that msf white shirt one day? dear God, please please pick me!! i have paeds background and i can handle -most- adult ed stuffs (except im not say super at intubating. ) - so please please help me to get the training I desperately need so i can become a better doctor and serve your people - be it in this country or through msf many years in the future.

- me, out.