"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31
" Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." Colossians 3:23-24
We pray for blessings, we pray for peace,
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering And all the while, You hear each spoken need Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops What if Your healing comes through tears What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love As if every promise from Your word is not enough And all the while, You hear each desperate plea And long that we'd have faith to believe
What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy What if trials of this life The rain, the storms, the hardest nights Are your mercies in disguise
what if trials of this life/ the hardest nights/ are your mercies in disguise
perhaps, just perhaps
spending my sunday off day doing frcem mcqs and pondering the mysteries of the lumbosacral plexus
the other day i was telling c my newfound obsessions of nepal/ trop med/ drs without borders and he was like - do you know what would be good prep/ training for all that? emed. HAHA. you're telling me!!
i think i've found a slightly better balance in life now. how to see a vaguely acceptable number of patients, be safe, and have my patients feel like i'm listening to them instead of hello bye. okay. i'm not beating any records or winning awards for most number of patients. neither am i on track to win best mo award, and i think the only way to get residency EVER, let alone this year, is if God suddenly decides to work yet another miracle for me. i'm not too sure about that to be honest as he has already worked MANY miracles for me (starting from getting into rg, getting into med, getting into med in sg, the last mopex posting). i guess you could say i am happy where i am right now. there will always be something else to strive for but sometimes you need to find the serenity in where you are right now. i'm happy just doing the right thing for my patients. and learning everyday what IS the right thing to do.
even if the healing doesnt come
and dreams are still undone
You are God, you are good
even if the healing doesn't come
Lord we know Your ways are not our ways
so we set our faith in who You are
you say when i'm broken and cant carry on
when all my strength is gone
you're still holding on
trusting in God, that He knows what is best for me.
meanwhile i will sit here doing frcem prep qns. HAHA. chillax sunday afternoons
I SURVIVED MY PRESENTATION! God is really very good.
surprisingly it all worked out really well and i had a great time. met a lot of friends and people i knew well. and i still remember my paeds!
on another note, sitting behind my old boss made me remember that day ?three years ago, nervously sitting in the front row of a hotel ballroom, practicing for my first ever conference oral presentation. i really was very happy that day, having the priviledge and honor to present at my first ever conference, and for the subject of peds neuro which, no question about, i did love at that time. anyway. memories just flooded back when i was sitting behind my old boss this morning. and how he came to support me for that presentation and how he helped me revise the powerpoint slides endlessly (i would worry too if i were him and i was supervising a HO at her first ever conference oral presentation!). i remember going up that stage, shaking with nervousness (very rare for me to feel nervous at public speaking actually! very very very rare hahah). i remember seeing my boss slip into his seat just as i started speaking, and the time going by really fast, and years later i still keep and treasure that conference book. i'm forever grateful to my old boss for his help all those years ago.
haha so fast forward to an old jaded mo. but anyway i survived it and i think its because of God's grace helping me to treat this like a debate (also helped by the podium and large audience which makes me feel a bit like i'm in a debate). and really very grateful and happy for the many friends and familiar faces i met today, and that the paeds bosses liked my presentation. that's the most important thing, that they liked it, winning isnt important. haha.
anyway, i'm feelin stressed abt residency as usual. haha. i thinK that
1) i shouldnt listen to the voice of doubt
2) i should trust that God has a plan
3) i just want to be a good doctor.
being a good doctor is something really hard and something that changes everyday haha. its fluiD. and i still have a lot a lot left to learn!
was having a good long hard think about what i wanna do with my life (the nostalgia of going back to a place i spent so much of my life in and so much of my life wanting to work in does do that to one). and i realized that i really want to do ED. that God brought me to ED. that what i want to do with my life both later and now all boils down to this. and i am very sure that in whatever i am lacking be it speed or practical skills i have the determination to fix!
on that hand, i also dont want to be greedy. being able to apply this year was really due to a lot of luck and nice people who helped me out with it. after waiting VERY VERY LONG in general, it would be difficult to wait one more year. i can't deny that. BUT i also believe that God has a plan for everything.
i'm not really sure, at this moment, whether God wants me to get into residency now, or wait one more year. it goes without saying that whatever i psych myself up to believe, i'll be beyond joyous if i get it this year and devastated if i don't. no question about that. does it make it worse and better if i believe that God is calling me to it? yes, it probably does. i won't lose my God though, even if i don't get it. it'd just bring me closer to God. i know this cos the first three times i didn't lose Him. i guess a fourth rejection might break me HAHA. well in the event it happens i'll pray really hard it doesn't happen and i survive it.
i think at the core of it, i am ready either way. if i were to jump into residency this year i think i could learn fast enough and level up fast enough. and i know i have what it takes both mentally and in terms of fortitude to handle whatever stressors may be thrown at me.
if God really REALLY wants me to wait one more year, i mean, i certainly wouldn't be thrilled, but i guess when i applied last yr sept, i was still a little green (im less green now hehe), so i understand that. and i dont want to treat the acceptance like a be all and end all coz its not the end of a long journey in the desert, it's the start of another long (but decidedly awesome) journey. let's put it this way, if i get it it would obviously be great, but if i dont, God must have a really really awesome plan. i hope i find out soon what his plan is because right now i concluded that his awesome plan is EMED, so if that isnt the plan, i need to find out what the plan is - hobo? fly to nepal? become a baker? lol just kidding. i'm going to KEEP TRYING. DETERMINATIONzzz.
i guess what i'm trying to say is that, each year, learning to trust in God's plan is always challenging and difficult haha. but as he reveals it (very) slowly, and as the puzzle pieces start fitting together, it becomes something more beautiful than i could have ever planned
going back to paeds world for one day showed me that emed has changed me. i was never so brave, so ready to try new things, so keen to volunteer for procedures or to watch things to learn, or to be the first to answer questions. i like the person that working in emed makes me.
Get it together
That's what I say to me
I put on the pressure
You could do better
Be who you're supposed to be But that's when you came in Right when I needed you Said all of the things that I was believing Not one of them were true You lifted my head up I was keeping my head down I didn't know love But I do now
'Cause you stood right there And then you broke apart the lies You told me I had something beautiful inside You brought to life the part of me I thought had died 'Cause You stood right there until I saw me I saw me through your eyes
So this is living This is free Not keeping score Not anymore Not since you rescued me You love me even when I fall apart I can't explain it That's just who you are Don't want perfection You just want my heart ~
its difficult to explain
maybe it's emed, maybe it's God
but in these eight months, everything has changed
i've become a different person, for good
it's like God came and told me i had something beautiful inside, right when i needed him
told me that all the things i was believing werent true. not to listen to the voice of self doubt anymore. not to live keeping my head down
bringing to life the part of me i thought had died