About Me

Monday, September 26, 2016

giants fall

"Giants Fall"

Everyone's telling you
To let go of what you're holding to
It's too late, too far
You're too small, it's too hard
Throwing water on that spark
Living deep inside your heart
With oceans of reasons
The things you're not seeing
But oh, maybe they don't
Know what you know
That you're not alone

Don't you be afraid
Of giants in your way
With God you know that anything's possible
So step into the fight
He's right there by your side
The stones inside your hand might be small
But watch the giants fall

We could really live like this
Can't you imagine it
So bold, so brave
With childlike faith
Miracles could happen
Mountains would start moving
So whatever you may face


Ask and believe
You're gonna see
The hand of God in every little thing

how to see in the darkness

"A Way To See In The Dark"

I'll reach for your hand in the night
When the shadows swallow the light
'Cause I'm giving up, giving in
Once again a childlike faith
Is my only way
To see in the dark

The question mark
Hung at the end of every fear
Is answered by
The promise that you are with me here
And that's all I've got
When the lights go out and I lose my way

If every star falls and the sun fails to rise
If You are my help, my hope and my vision 
One step at a time You will lead

at the last moment it looks like it wont go through :( 

oh well. God will show me the way, in that i trust. 

Saturday, September 17, 2016

peace might be another world away

You scattered some monsters from beneath my bed, 
You watched my team win, 
You watched my team lose, 
You watched when my bicycle went down again,
and I said “Elbow healer, Superhero,
come if You can,” and You said “I am”

You saw my mistakes, You watched my heart break 
Heard when I swore I’d never love again
and I said “Heart-ache Healer, Secret-keeper,
be my Best Friend” and You said “I am”
nichole nordeman - i am 

haha one of my fav songs of all time

i dont think we can ever plan our lives, no, i dont think so anymore.
the times of my team winning or my team losing,
the times of heartbreak
these times seem so far away in a mythical land
there is only the neverending continuous shifts that blend into day and night

Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade

Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid

But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view
If no roof is overhead
And if we never taste that bread

Oh, the differences that often are between
Everything we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need

And if You never grant us peace
But, Jesus, would You please

We'll give thanks to you with gratitude/ that we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream

Thursday, September 15, 2016

today i realized something

that even if i dont apply this time, at least i know for sure

this is it
and i know exactly when God told me: this is it

for the record, it's 12 june 2016

exactly in dramatic detail as david described it. i cant believed he remembered my moment of epiphany so well HAHA.


14th September: Dragons (4) -- Moods
Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me? Psalm 42:5,11

In one of the loveliest of the Psalms these words come twice as a melancholy refrain. They must often and often have been echoed by hearts bowed down in a black mood of questioning. Why, O my soul, why?

Moods are, in themselves, not necessarily rational. Doctors should not need to be reminded of that. We know that various bodily states -- metabolic, digestive or what you will -- can determine our moods. But we still can forget this. We can feel depressed, mildly or seriously, for no apparent reason, and yet feel guilty or inhibited or restrained as a result. Moods can swing up and down at different times of day. I tend to have a mild downswing first thing in the morning and so have learnt to be wary of my feelings at that time. For others it can come during the busy part of the day, at twilight or in the night.

If we know that our moods can be unrelated to real circumstances, we need to learn to cope with them. That wise Christian realist, C S Lewis, has said, when talking about faith (Mere Christianity, p111), that it 'is the art of holding on to things your reasons has once accepted in spite of your changing moods. For moods will change, whatever view your reason takes ... unless you teach your moods "where they get off", you can never be either a sound Christian or even a sound atheist, but just a creature dithering to and fro, with its beliefs dependent on the weather or the state of its digestion'. Moods are dragons to be fought.

We may be sure, however, that his advice lines up with the Psalmist's further words: 'Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my help and my God'.

The next psalm gives us the prayer of hope:

Oh send out thy light and thy truth;
let them lead me,
Let them bring me to thy holy hill
and to thy dwelling!
Then I will go to the altar of God,
to God my exceeding joy;
And I will praise thee with the lyre,
O God, my God

rollercoaster today
one life saved!

and then facing my own life's plight again

i realized today that its not going to be so easy to prove to people that i want to do this
they simply do not believe me
just coz i could have changed my mind so fast, doesnt mean they would believe that i could fall in and out of love with something so fast

lets put it out there, i was very, very sad to leave ce. i make no bones about that. walking out on the last day was one of the hardest things i ever did. it really felt like a second home.

HOWEVER, in the past 2.5 months since leaving, God's grace and mercy in my new posting has been truly endless.

the last time i experienced such grace and mercy was probably when God gave me all my miracles in the past.

i've met countless kind people - fellow mos, seniors and nurses alike, who taught me everything i need to know about adult medicine and adult emergency medicine with great patience and kindness despite the fact that i knew absolutely nothing about it and only know the paeds doses for urtis, that's it.

i've done innumerable new procedures firstly under guidance and later by myself, things i could never have imagined myself having the courage to do.

i've uncovered new sides to myself i truly didn't know i had before. new depths of courage, responsibility, incentive that i'm quite positive that was not inherent to me before this.

i've realized that all those years ago when God called me to medicine, he called me to THIS. THIS is what i signed up for when i signed up for medical school, but that three years ago, blinded by fears, insecurities & goodness knows what, i did not dare to do.

as time goes by, it becomes clearer and clearer to me that this is the path i must take even though it can be hard.

it's true that i did not make the about turn of my own volition. i did not one day give up and say "i have had enough of trying and now i shall try something else". it is true that God gave me this posting, this particular posting, because He is good, & because He wanted me to move on & stop ignoring his soft prompting. i admit that i did not give up by myself, but because God wanted me to stop moping in a corner that he has no plan for my life when he clearly does!!!

today, after making a call to scan and realizing that it was the right call, the satisfaction from that, i realized for the first time in my whole life that, i dont need to get into residency.

just doing this, and doing the right thing, is the best and happiest thing in the whole world.

& that God finally worked my miracle for me
not just getting into and passing medical school, but finding this path & fulfilling the wildest dreams of that wide-eyed pre-medical student standing outside the a&e doors vowing to one day be able to understand what goes on beyond those magical illusive doors.

i understand that, two weeks into this posting, it is too early to be able to prove anything.

i am willing to do whatever it takes & however long it takes
& i know that i will never, ever, lose my God, no matter how long it takes

& i will praise thee with the lyre/ o my God

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

in christ alone/ you are strength in my weakness

the brainfog is slowly clearing

i know this is the way to go, i know it
but i have miles to go before i sleep
the woods are lovely dark & deep

"Everything I Need"

When every step is so hard to take
And all of my hope is fading away
When life is a mountain that I can not climb
You carry me, Jesus carry me

You are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need

When every moment is more than I can take
And all of my strength is slipping away
When every breath gets harder to breathe
You carry me, Jesus carry me

You are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need

I need You
You are everything I need
I love everything about You

You are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need

years ago in a permafrost
God came to save me
in my dreams many times i have seen
his footprints in the snow
one pair of footprints
becos God carried me through it
countless times
he has sent angels to save me
be it that girl who comforted me crying in the stairwell at hugh robson
or a night shift nurse who takes blood for me
or dr j givin me a project on d3 of my posting
or opening windows for me when every door was closed
God has always, always come through
this is a difficult decision to make
this is a difficult step to take
esp when i know im still very noob
but i do this with the knowledge
that God will at the very least, break my fall
even if i dont get it this time, i'm sure he will heal my heart when it breaks
as it has already a million times over
and next time when i apply i'll be better for it! :) 

here goes
not my will but Yours