About Me

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

someday

more prenight shift musings

sometimes in the middle of all the rushing i feel like im hanging on by a rather small thread. not that i can't handle stress just that sometimes i think like HOW am i gonna finish all this mountain of stuff in time

i happily made it to church last sunday and just incidentally went for confession, didnt think too much abt it.

theN i came back and somehow managed to complete and prettify my presentation which i had been languishing on, trying to polish FOREVER to NO AVAIL. and sent it off to my boss for vetting. i was sooo amazed. plus i had such a nice resus shift ytd. it's things like this. its not that its an obligation to go to church per se (well it is, but yknow what i mean). its just that when you take one hour off your life to spend time with God, somehow somehow everything works out so nicely and smoothly that it's really amazing.

yeah ok i still have alot to work on. like when situations or people irritate me. i need to pre-psycho myself with loads of inducements (like retail therapy) so that im happy then i dont get irritated without thinking bout it! i can handle it at work and respond nicely to requests. its in my personal life that i guess my guard isnt up cos... DUH its slacking off time then i get very easily irritated. oh well. im human, what to doooo

things to do today
- claim weekend work pay
- ppt script
- ?? book tickets

"you're the right moment at the right moment
you're the sunlight that keeps my heart going"
henry "it's you"
sounds alittle bit like photosynthesis HAHA

i'm with you

https://medium.com/@MSF_USA/from-intern-to-field-worker-part-1-my-msf-journey-9c3b598e6452

SUCH a lovely and inspiring post!! shows that there are many way to follow one's dreams
and her drawings are so pretty.

i don't think i can make it to wearing that MSF white shirt before i'm 30 sighhh. it will be awhile

i honestly dont even know if when push comes to shove, i will be able to.

ok, i also think alot of it is idealistic dreams. yknow when you are young you just wanna SAVE THE WORLD, MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE.

and then life rolls around and true - its very exciting doing resus shifts (MUCH LOVE to the awesomest boss EVER i had the honor of doing a resus shift with today. it was soooo great and under control thanks to him. he even sent a pt to HD by himself. *britishaccent "im escorting the pt to hd" then he left LOL. all of us "did the con just send the pt to HD???"  nurses "wow he's really setting a good example" (as in they meant that he was setting a gd example by being hands on and all"))

but yea i guess after a year in ed i also know that it's not all IDEALISTIC SHINY SAVE THE WORLD. reality often intervenes.

i really do not know if i can make it to MSF. BUT. the dream of doing so somehow feels very very real. it would be MUCHHHH better if i could graduate from ed residency first becos then i would be really valuable to them. haha what a neat and easy seeming plan, just taking slightly longer than expected to come to fruition huh??

but anyWAY as this person writes in her inspiring article - there are many ways to help even if it's not what one expects. i didnt have to take the mcat but TRUST ME there was plenty of difficulty in getting to today. i am truly grateful to God for even helping me to get to this position of a ed medical officer. i would really like to repay him in some way. be it some way i have not even imagined yet, or perhaps what seems so real - my childhood dream - wearing that msf white shirt one day? dear God, please please pick me!! i have paeds background and i can handle -most- adult ed stuffs (except im not say super at intubating. ) - so please please help me to get the training I desperately need so i can become a better doctor and serve your people - be it in this country or through msf many years in the future.

Amen
- me, out.

Friday, October 13, 2017

it's you


it's you by henry from the while you were sleeping ost!
"cos you're the right time at the right moment...."

i strongly doubt i'll evah find such a person but anyways the song is great haha


another nice song!! by day 6
something is really addictive abt this part of the song. something to do with the melodies? chords they used at that part?
Really I loved you
It’s because I loved you so much
Because I want to forget you but I can’t
That’s why I want to forget you" 

you really feel that the singer loved the person ALOT when he sings that part "really i loved you... it's becos i loved you so much"...
ok admittedly i haven't ever loved anyone that much before (well not TRUE LOVE kind. teenage crushes maybe HAHA). but anyways 

off to work. hope i survive another busy dayyyy

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

whenever you need me

Dear Jesus, What is it that you want me to do for you at this point in my life? 

Amen



"Jonah set out and went to Nineveh in obedience to the word of the Lord" - Jonah 3: 1-10 
~

received this email in my inbox today. one of those prayer of the day things. made me think of the day we had the osce where nearly the whole batch mislabelled the bld cs during mbbs. totally NOT the thing u wanna be doing during ur final mbbs 

my post in march 2014 abt it: http://sunflowerjuice.blogspot.sg/2014/03/fish.html

notable bits:
" First God sends him on a suicide mission, then a storm at sea, and now a fish eats him! Now if it was me, I might take that moment to complain just a little bit, but Jonah doesn’t, he says: “I will sing a song of thanks. I will do what I have promised. Lord, you are the one who saves.”
"the storm was just to stop him from making a terrible mistake, and the fish was the world’s first submarine ride back to safety. God will do something amazing with you, even if you head in the exact wrong direction (I mean, you may come out smelling like fish guts, but still)."
" this is what i found &... i quite like it. haha. THE FISH WAS ACTUALLY SWIMMING JONAH BACK TO SAFETY" 
keep on swimming~
yea we are human and we get easily irritated and frustrated with life. but what amazes me is that despite all our flaws and follibles, we always ALWAYS get saved. somehow, somewhere, someway. even though we go through storms and get eaten by fish, somehow we always get spat out onto dry land. smelling of roses instead of fishguts. even though i still feel like im in the middle of a fish at the moment HAHA. in the middle of my metaphorical bus journey that i kinda sorta didnt really plan for, i know that somewhere out there lies a happy ending. i know this with faith and truth because it has worked out every single time before. i know this becos when i close my eyes i can see the edinburgh rooftops and the snow falling and the footsteps in the snow. and i know that if He was with me then, certainly He will be with me now too. yes there is always a lot to improve but i think He knows that we are only human too. what i love about this faith is that - our God is always forgiving, you can always go back to him when you drift away, and when you finally come back, He will always welcome you back with open arms and generosity. which is something that humans find very very hard to do. and that is why this faith is so amazing. nothing else could have sustained me through all these storms. 
ok. PREPARE PRESENTATION. i am such a procrastinator omg. 

Saturday, September 30, 2017

i have this hope

some encouraging songs on a saturday morning!



As I walk this great unknown
Questions come and questions go
Was there purpose for the pain?
Did I cry these tears in vain?

I don't want to live in fear
I want to trust that You are near

But sometimes my faith feels thin
Like the night will never end
Will You catch every tear
Or will You just leave me here?

I have this hope
In the depth of my soul
In the flood or the fire
You're with me and You won't let go
~ i have this hope, tenth avenue north

If grace was a kingdom
I stopped at the gate
Thinking I don’t deserve to pass through after all the mistakes that I’ve made

I wish I could bring so much more
But if it’s true You use broken things
Then here I am Lord, I'm all Yours

The pages of history they tell me it’s true
That it’s never the perfect; it’s always the ones with the scars that You use
~ matthew west, broken things

Here I am
All my intentions
All my obsessions
I want to lay them all down
In Your hands

Oh, how You love me
Somehow that frees me
To take my hands off of my life
And the way it should go

Somehow that frees me
To open my hands up
And give You control

I've had plans
Shattered and broken
Things I have hoped in
Fall through my hands
You have plans
You're behind and before me
~ control, tenth avenue north

to do list
- meet quota today without staying back too late HAHA
- start preparing presentation
- pay conf fees
- BOOK AIRTIX AND INSURANCE
- start packing luggage
- start buying warm inner clothes. SO I DONT FREEEEZE

wishlist  [ie, things i may not and dont HAVE to actually do, but WANT to do haha]
- buyyy pretty journals (rhodia etc)
- go eat somewhere really niceee soon
- learn french on italki [first i need to cure my urti induced sore throat cos i think right now pple have difficulty understanding me in ENGLISH atm]

things i probably shld do
- practice the GOPRO, buy more gopro assorted things - eg battery, tripod, extra simcard
- STUDY FOR EXAMMMMM

ok. gonna start it all off by studying some french and korean now to chillax~ hahA








Thursday, September 28, 2017

sound of surviving

In my younger years
I found You beneath the steeple
Could hear You in the hymns

Then later on
I met You on a road, once winding
Seeking but not always finding
You still loved me later on

In the same small room
Staring at the life I've chosen
Hoping that the door's still open
To give my heart to You
In this same small room

You were in the water, when I came up clean instead
You're still in my story, when my tears fall on the dirt
You're there in the morning, wrapping grace around what hurts
You were in the questions, in the silence on the phone
You were paying cab fare, making sure I made it home
I believed in too far, I believed in my worst fear
But You were never moving closer, You were only always here
Don't have to be alone
You will always be my home

~
every year when september comes around i can't help but think of the song WAKE ME UP WHEN SEPTEMBER ENDS

well september is ending sooN. ive applied for mopex, applied for residency

it's been EVENTFUL

i wont ever forget that september seven years ago when God worked my miracle
the miracle that i already thought the miracle had already happened but it still did

haha. God always saving me from myself :)

years come and years go but God is always good, He is always at the center of it all.
we fall in and out of phases and drift away but He is constantly there, waiting for us to come back, somehow, someday

after seven years and the future still looks hazy. but GUESS WHAT WORLD. after all that and i suceeded. i suceeded in never losing my God. world, you might have thrown all sorts of obstacles in my way, i might have given up a lot of things in the intervening few years (i felt a little remeniscent of paeds mockcode the other day after our mo simulation teaching was on paeds HAHA. i remembered we had a huge trauma simulation and we were literally all running around like headless chickens. it was sooo fun tho). but guess what, i really didn't lose my God. thank you God for granting that prayer, at the very least :) i appreciate it muchly

me out.
now off to sign up for my ED CONFERENCE!!!
what did i say, God is always goood :)

Monday, September 18, 2017

steady hands just take the wheel

stop and stare - one republic
Steady hands just take the wheel
Time to make one last appeal
For the life I live

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh

Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Steady feet, don't fail me now
~

one of my fav songs EVER!! it was SO ethereal going for my first concert (sigh. first concert at the age of 27 HAHA. ok i did go for a big bang concert few yrs ago, but yknow what i mean). and it was in such insanely pretty surroundings it was literally unbelievable. also i love this particular scenery cos i used to run marathons in the exact same place at 6am when i was younger. well half marathons.

i was literally nearly in tears when the (very familiar) lyrics blasted thru the padang speakers. i think its cos this song has spoken to my soul for years now - no matter what age and season of life im in, it seems to speak to me really well HAHAHA i guess its one of those lyrics that tend to resonate with people cos of how it can apply to so many things. so many people have things in life they arent completely happy or satisfied with and would like to improve so that's why

for me, it's driving home post shift at the wee hours of the morning and hearing "steady hands just take the wheel/ time to make one last appeal", "steady feet don't fail me now" blast through my speakers. in that moment, specially as i used to drive past serene center where d and i used to study when we were in secondary school, i don't know why it felt so particularly significant. the time when i started to really make an effort in life towards this goal, and when it started to pay off. the things we try and hope for, seemed to be all melting into one. both the realization that i'm where my sixteen year old self WANTED to be, and that yet there is so much more to aim for.

and that i may be driving this car right now but there is someone up there with steadier hands than me. who is protecting me during this 2am late night drive as i am sleepy and exhausted from the long day.

anyway it was so unreservedly awesome. i dont know if next yr will have music acts as good as this cos of the emotional attachment i happen to already have had to one republic haha. but you never know!!

that said i have been rather enjoying the past few days of off interspersed with night shifts.
not to mention yesterday i happened to be in town enjoying my post night day off after church and i was feelin kinda hungry when i happened to walk past twelve cupcakes which had loads of cupcake samples all laid out. in the middle of an orchard road underpass!! ok it sounds funny when said like that but at that exact moment it was like WHOA. heart cupcakes ++

ok off to do my one million thingS


one million dance studio!!