About Me

Monday, April 10, 2017

rainbow veins/ dreams dont turn to dust

"Rainbow Veins"

Everywhere is balanced there like a rainbow above you
Street lights glisten on the boulevard
And cold nights make staying alert so hard
For heaven's sake, keep me awake so I won't be caught off guard
Clearly I am a passerby but I'll find a place to stay
Brought down by gravity, crystal clear
Make haste, I feel your heartbeat
Find a road to a humble abode where both of our routes meet
The silver sound is all around and the colors fall like snow
The feeling of letting go, I guess we'll never know

Cheer up and dry your damp eyes and tell me when it rains
And I'll blend up that rainbow above you and shoot it through your veins
'Cause your heart has a lack of colour and we should've known
That we'd grow up sooner or later 'Cause we wasted all our free time alone

~
I feel you glowing in the dark
I'm just a stranger in the stars

I chase the phantoms down the hall
I felt the floorboards rise and fall
I lost and never loved at all

~

"Dreams Don't Turn To Dust"

I made for the countryside
And my eyes never grew so wide
Apple raspberry river blue
I rub my eyes 'cause it's hard to see
Surrounded by all this beauty

This picnic will soon depart
Real life, I'm sad to see you go
I'll miss you with all my heart
But I'd rather be alone
'Cause I couldn't live without
Sunsets that dazzle in the dusk
So I'll drag the anchor up
And rest assured, 'cause dreams don't turn to dust

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Thursday, April 6, 2017

offstandby

haha offstandby is a very odd feeling. it feels like you shouldnt plan anything cos u can get called back anytime? anyway enjoying my day off (thus far).

- waking up late
- sending emailzzz
- exam studyingg
- plans for dinner later (??)

~

today's our daily bread was pretty nice:

The psalmist says, “You remain the same, and your years will never end” (Ps. 102:27). The implication of this truth is immense. It means that God is forever loving, just, and wise. 

In the New Testament, James writes, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows” (James 1:17). In our changing circumstances, we can be assured that our good God will always be consistent to His character. He is the source of everything good, and everything He does is good.

It may seem that nothing lasts forever, but our God will remain consistently good to those who are His own.

Lord, You are the One who never changes, and You are so good to us. Calm our hearts today with the grace and peace that come only from You.
The One who holds the universe together will not let go of you.

INSIGHT:  In lament songs, psalmists pour out their fears, hurts, and confusion to God, often wondering when He will meet them in their distress. Psalm 102 does that in verse 2, “Do not hide your face from me when I am in distress. Turn your ear to me.” Clearly, the psalmist’s distress is multiplied by waiting for the Lord’s help. Still, the singer has confident hope in God’s response to his pain (vv. 17-21). 

belated look back at 2016

HAHA this is really very belated.
but anyway 2016 was a good year. it could have had a more fairytale conclusion hhahhaha guess thats what i was waiting for before i posted this post, but anyway i think God knows what he's doing. as my mum concurred when she was like "oh yeah hor if you got into residency right out of med sch you'd be reg soon, can't really imagine you as reg". ME NEITHER. haha. i will strive for increased maturity this year, yes i will. anyway here goes:  also PLEASE GOD i would really like to do 6 more months of emed at my current hospital next mopex posting!!!! and hopefully i'll be even better as time passess...

jan 2016:

Oh telescope,
Keep an eye on my only hope,
Lest I blink and get swept off the narrow road,
Dear God, I was terribly lost
When the galaxies crossed
And the sun went dark.
But dear God, You're the only North Star
I would follow this far.

feb: on fireworks: I remember that moment, i remember the pain

march: it's been a really enjoyable month of seven resus shifts

april:

Lord, teach me that sometimes you have to wait
until I have come to the end of myself
before you can bless me,
until I have finished trying my own plans
before you can show me yours.
Help me to recognise your perfect timing,
and to know that you will never let me down.

may: maybe one day when i finally come to the end of myself, God will finally, finally come through. i wish i could be the girl who hopes in the middle of impossibility but its just that i also dont know what to hope for anymore.

june: !! God has a plan after all!/ Now read the story of a man who heard God's call wherever he was, whatever he was doing, whenever it came, and did at once whatever he was asked to do

july: the examiner right after i finished my acls "mo or reg?"

aug: opening the book & on the first page it says in the dedications "To God be all glory"!!! instantly i knew i've made the right choice.

maybe, just maybe, this crazy idea might work out. haha.

sept: could this, even this, be made beautiful?

oct:
i came to you with my heart in pieces/ and found the God with healing in His hands

but on the days that we feel peace in our hearts, we feel like we're in the zone, when work seems like play, when the plugs go in easily, it somehow makes it all okay. that it's okay not to have any great overarching ambition. that it's okay to no longer lead a life full of insecurities and envy for others. that just this day, full of happiness at helping someone, is enough.

nov: i survived this posting!!! thank You God. :) most fun and enjoyable posting EVER. may i have many many more months of a&e experience to come, and may we continue to do Your will.

dec: 6 months more of emergency medicine at my first choice hospital!!! God is really really good, that is all i can say.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

rooftop moonlight

march was... a crazy month. i literally have NO IDEA how i survived. actually, i'm not sure one could have called that surviving. i definitely did not come out of that smelling of roses. hahaha.

nevertheless, there were some bright spots such as
- providing medical cover for a church event
- light in the middle of darkness (literally, sadly not metaphorically. BUT ONE CAN HOPE. actually, hope is all one has left hahahaah)
- the kindnesses of some bosses. especially dr f. BEST BOSS EVER SERIOUSLY
- PLANNING FOR ICELAND :):)
- the pre-easter confession. you know sometimes you cling on to something SO MUCH and it means EVERYTHING to you. the way the priest chuckled and said "oh dont worry about all that, these are small things" somehow made the world of difference. we spend so much of our lives trying to keep up with all the millions of things that seem to matter... but actually they dont! and there are so many other small things that mean so much in the grander scheme of things that we actually overlooked cos we were chasing after other things.

lent is ending soon. this has been one of the more difficult lents in memory. AND I'VE HAD SOME REALLY BAD LENTS BEFORE. trust me. hahah. at least there is some hope - that easter sunday will eventually come - that the sun will eventually rise again. that at some point God will come and save me from myself (dont even talk about a prince coming on a white horse, or me saving me from myself. HAHA.) i'm literally not under any illusions at all. maybe God will come and work some miracles, maybe he has already worked the miracles. my time of ambitions has come and passed. i just want to see my patients safely and send them home or to the wards happy (one of my pt's relatives last night was so cute HAHA. i passed by him waiting outside the xray room and decided to update him since i was passing by. and he was like WAH dr how u know i'm waiting here. HAHA). and try to approximate meeting the quota (altho i must say i do prioritize safety over quota meeting. but i do try to stay back within reasonable limits to try to hit the quota).

life plans aside - which i have pretty much given up on (yes this entire post literally reeks of giving up, i guess you could say i have, or you can call it MATURE ACCEPTANCE of life lol), i think that these postings have been really great. i have learnt a lot that i really didnt know before. i dont know how i expected to join drs without borders/ do mission trips with literally only peds knowledge/ how to treat urtis and do t&s and remove fbs and m&rs and document on computers. and God answered my plug setting prayers. i really thought he would never give me that life skill. guess desperation in resus wielding green plug in 1 hand and a pale hypotensive patient really does make all the difference. or maybe it's divine intervention and grace, i prefer to think of it that way.

here's hoping that everyone has some easter eggs and easter chocolate this easter season. that the crosses we bear may be just that little bit lighter, that God may, with or without our knowledge, make the paths either slightly easier, or at least make his presence a little more felt in a world where it isnt exactly the most obvious. 1.5 weeks to easter sunday, we can do this!!

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

these things take time

reflections on this very, very, very long journey:

since that post night morning in the taxi when i first learnt of my unexpected mopex posting and the first thing that popped into my mind was "God has a plan for me!" until today, when i learnt of a very much expected result that i sorta kinda expected since the beginning of this month hahaha, the funny thing is these few mths are bookended by the same thought.

not "DOES GOD HAVE A PLAN AND IF SO, WHAT IS IT?", but the affirmative - that He DOES have a plan for us, and that it is good. that is honestly what i thought.

i can't really quite belive myself but scrolling down the list as i have had for SOOOO many years now (by now i dont even expect to see my name on that list... haha) - i didnt feel the dissappointment as i had so many years ago (and its NOT becos i dont love emed as much, its quite the opposite, i really do love emed a LOT). i found to my surprise that i felt a lot of peace in my heart - as if God was telling me that its okay cos He has a plan for me and this is just part of the (very) long journey.

i'll be the first to admit that i have much to improve on and am far from perfect, and didnt really deserve it this time anyway. and that expectations always get the better of me. and that it was a rather last min decision to try this time anyway.

many easters ago, i remember feeling a huge disconnect in my heart as we sang hymns on easter sunday but i felt much less than joyful. i dont think i could have expected on that day that God would have worked so many miracles to bring me into medicine and then bring me back home too. if only i had known, i wouldnt have felt so sullen and unjoyful when singing on that easter sunday.

compared to 2 weeks ago when the lights went out and the only thing i could see was candles in the darkness at the end of the long aisle. that's when i knew - that no matter what happens, and no matter what we do, that God is always there. that each setback is just God protecting us from something. sometimes yeah we screw up life. but He will turn it all for good in the end

whenever that may be - i know i have loads to do in the meantime
off to do those~

~

"These Things Take Time" - sanctus real

I want to know why pain makes me stronger
I want to know why good men die
Why am I so afraid of the dark, but I stray from the light?
I want to know why You gave me eyes when faith is how I see
And tell me, is it easier to doubt or harder to believe?
Oh, there's so many questions stirring in me

And I'm wondering why
Sometimes the truth ain't easy to find
I want to know all the answers
But I'm learning that these things take time
Yeah, these things take time

How can success make us feel like failures?
And the harder we fall, the harder we try
The more I have the more I need just to feel like I'm getting by
Oh, there's so many questions in one short life

And we spend so much time chasing our tails
Hoping to find every last answer to everything in life
So many questions, not enough time

Hey, we all want to understand why evil lives, and good men die
On the way to Heaven, the truth unwinds
These things take time
These things take time
Yeah, these things take time



If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of
Then "cool" is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune, I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall

Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth I need to confess

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside
Broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to you
It leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
'Til everything I hide behind is gone
And when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on

~

and all i go through/ it leads me to you 

Saturday, March 25, 2017

ride it out

"Ride It Out"

Sometimes you feel like you're losing yourself in this life
You're a ship with your sails set high and there's wind in the air tonight
You pray someone saves you
Before the storm takes you
When you feel afraid

Don't you turn around in the sea of doubt
You don't want to drown if the ship goes down
So clear your eyes
Keep your sails high
And ride it out

The waves they will shake you
They may strike fear in your heart
Oh, this trial will shape you
Help you find life in the dark
When you stand on the edge of an ocean
Don't let it swallow your faith

And ride it out through the sea of doubt
Don't let your fear steal your finest hour
Embrace the ride
Keep your sails high
And ride it out

The wind will take you where you're meant to be
The waves will break when your Creator speaks
And when it's over you will clearly see
That the storm was only there to show you what it takes to believe
~

"Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step. There's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That's the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.
An you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You'll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others. (this sounds like a terrible idea from an infection control POV. HAHA. maybe PPE/ gloves can prevent this?!) 
And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about."
- haruki murakami 

the thing is, i dont know how long this storm is supposed to last. if i can ever walk out of it alive. oh definitely, if i ever come out of it, i wont be the same person that walked in, im positive of that. 
for whatever it's worth, i can praise Him in this storm. i think. haha. 

"And when it's over you will clearly see
That the storm was only there to show you what it takes to believe"