About Me

Sunday, March 29, 2009

to my friends: i know lately (and whenever i get into the zone really...) i've not been a very good friend... thanks for all the help anyways =) =)
i couldn't say, if this is great strength, or great weakness.

for i see all sides, every possible angle, until i'm getting quite a headache from spinning around 360 degrees continuously.

all i know is, in this moment, this is the only thing that gives me peace.

when walking to buy laundry tokens just now, in the dark, i realised that there is actually no cause for concern. that my priorities are right and always have been. that i only think of comets and galaxies when i have literally no other more pressing matters.

i hope i write good poems, at least. what more can one ask for?

Saturday, March 28, 2009

everything's gonna be ok. really. =)

haha, pretty good mood now, watched an amazing movie last night. lol amazing grace if anyone's interested. i love the british accents!

fav bits, this guy got married &; his best friend told his new wife "my condolences", when all the mps were slacking off and ran off to the races HAHA. when william wilberforce went to tell his cook he was having people over for dinner & she burst out crying and he was utterly dumbfounded... until he realized he inadvertently invited all of 25 beggars back for lunch. OH OH when he was in the field lying on the grass and his butler discovered him. and he was like "I have found God, and it is rather an inconvienience" LOL. ok that sounds terrible out of context but yes. really Godly man. "i have any number of state engagements today but all I want is spider-webs!"

&; i woke up this morning to bright sunlight, had a looong sleep, no need to rush off anywhere. swam and debated my options with myself, then went to tescos & bought grapes, cranberries & tortilla wraps amongst other things. these should seriously somehow be fitted into the song My Favorite Things. then went to oxfam and went a bit mad over the books. like seriously i was fingering their spines and casting lingering, longing looks upon the covers.

horrible things i now have to do
1. LAUNDRY
2. mugging timetable

and the cardboard testimonies video is up and it makes me feel so cheery somehow. =)
something has to be done just i don't really know what. today i told my friend, just make sure you do what you feel is right all the time at that moment and you'll probably not go wrong. ha. ha. ha.

not that anyone (cept sharon, hi!) reads this but i think i'm taking a break from this, and all -this- thinking. "it will eat you", someone astutely observed. i think i will tell the truth, eventually, because there is no other part of my life in which i fib and obscure the truth with such regularity. i am sick of pretending whatever i think is best. i now think it is best NOT TO PRETEND ANY LONGER.

yes, it will suck. but this sucks too. both ways are pretty much horrible.

there are many other things i have to settle anyways. so, maybe easter, maybe not easter. be back on easter sunday. i will only make things clear if i feel the inner peace whenever i contemplate doing so.

Friday, March 27, 2009

& the fact is that nothing can ever take these away, except time
maybe i'm holding onto it because i dont know which cupboards to put them in
if only someone would tell me
i tried to fob off the responsibility
but it didnt work.
hah.
hahaha listening to bouncy bollywood music now! feelin' good and all

have to laugh at it la what to do

it may be wrong? but i think the alternative isn't right either.

actually the new tack failed spectacularly coz it was borne out of anger and shame. from what i have learnt, people are actually nicer than you think they are sometimes, and other times, weirder than you previously suspected. so... system rebooting
i have chosen the hard road. most people want to know why they're doing something before they do it, and they want to know for sure that it will pay off.

but i have never, ever known if it will pay off. all i have known is the endpoint i wanted. all i have seen is the finish line of any one race in my mind's eye. there will always be further races, but you can worry about those later. and it doesn't matter how long it takes, or how hard it is. it's getting to the end, in one piece, still sane, and grinning cos you know what you've done and you're proud of it.

yes, i am grateful for what God has wrought with the mistakes in my life thus far. he has really wrought good and amazing things out of them. but that doesnt mean i should continue making them.

and i am not too prideful to think i can do this all by myself. well, technically, i have to. but God is with me. (at least, i sure hope so) i know what dangers i should avoid. i can do it.

God, please, please, please help me do this. Amen.
flbhglhvgrlifkjbmbglbkhbhl

Thursday, March 26, 2009

just a note

the reason for all this
is because it is something amorphous with no defined shape or form.
its like how iago used the untruth, used possibilities to construct truth

and these prickly hedgehog feelings, arise because. i know how this story ends and i dont like the ending

tonight

tonight, i am succumbing to everything i shouldn't all at once

i really thought i was free from this, but evidently not
more importantly, i know now that i HAVE to free myself from it - but i can't.
i know, that if only i could be super-humanly organised, everything would run smoothly on rail-like tracks. and i would have time to do laundry, borrow books from the library and restore my soul, buckle down to revision.

but instead, i'm amidst the detritus of the day, except outside it is night. i am sleepy, but i cannot sleep. i am all wired up because of the day, or the day-night, or the day before it has ended. the smoky burnt ends of - something.

today, my friend asked me to email a lecturer for the lecture notes. no idea why me haha the dude is quite amusing. anyway. he said "ts something lah". me: "ts eliot?" dude: "ah. yes. yes. email him, and give us all the lecture notes". hahahaha!

exams are coming though, and i know they will drive all emotion out of my head. at least i pray they do.

two opposing schools of thought

1 - sometimes, people will tell you that there are no coincidences. (& i guess that everything happens for a reason)

2 - people very often do tell me in particular not to "think so much", ie, things just happen randomly, with no connection, or either that, that one should not think on the connections. why particularly i wouldn't have the slightest notion.

things are up in the air at the moment. i suppose, i prefer this to being down in the dumps. i promised myself last time that i would try my darndest not to know. because as much as uncertainty hurts, knowing something you don't want to know is definitely worse.

its all quite exciting having everything circling round. but i think, all these are fairly unrelated events. they have no meaning collectively.

my stance then is: there ARE things which, when they coincide, mean something greater than by themselves. like 1+ 1 = 2. but, there are some things, which only the most random of minds (read: mine) would even think of linking together.

and as much as i would love to think otherwise, i should not take the path of least probability of sanity at the end of it.

and also, one should really do everything one can to ensure one gets what one wants, and THEN pray for God to help you. sitting at home drinking coffee and getting high on the scenery outside (not that this is what i am doing of -course-) will not really help much, even if you remember to throw up a few prayers occasionally, unless you are some sort of exceptional saint, which i am not.

today was quite good anyhow - made it for lectures vaguely on time, had a great nap after the 1st one, lecturer didn't turn up so we adjourned next door for coffee (i love doing this!!) and then went back for somemore lectures, admired ssc poster, bumming away now. and shared good chats + falafel with friendsss so yay.

some doors should be closed even if you're not sure if people will come in and steal your stuff or not. they should be closed, and locked, BEFORE such a thing happens. as the posters all round the hall i stay in advertise. you dont need to know for sure if people lurk around wanting your dirty socks or half-filled instant coffee jars or precious milo packets they do not sell here, or manky ziplocks. just close and lock your door, and run for your life. that will serve you well.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

nic! says:
you are v funny
nic! says:
like MWAHA world I have CAUGHT you in a LOGICAL LOOPHOLE
nic! says:
HAHAHA

hee. this encapsulates everything perfectly somehow, and excuses everything

i can do it. i have done these things so many times before, overcome all these same hurdles before. true, not always at the same time. but that makes it all the more exciting.

because i am sick and tired of the alternative
x is right, far too right. it's very much about the respect. why can't i ever get the right balance?

everything always seems to swing.

and the worst thing is coffee doesnt really perk me up that much aymore. oh OH except the instant coffee from the rie med sch common room canteen. sacrilege i am sure to prefer instant coffee to brewed coffee but there you go.

and knowing i will forgive everyone for everything eventually somehow just doesn't cut it as a happifier.

Monday, March 23, 2009

grrr

1. THE ACIDBASE CAL IS NEVERENDING AND IS TAKING OVER MY LIFE
2. the worst thing abt all these cals is they are WORK but im not going thru the lectures coz im doing them so i feel so INEFFICIENT and GUILTY.

3. "for now i'll just pretend"

I close my eyes
And try to hide
But I wake when these dreams collide

So I'll put this all on repeat
And I'll make up what comes next.

But it all breaks down if I
Keep on wasting all my time.
All alone, in my head
Wish I'd never thought about it in the end.

4. what i SHOULD be thinking instead:
It may not have to be this way
Waiting for me they could be a new day
Maybe I can revise
And escape from the lies

did david archuleta really mean revise revise?! haha.

5. because of the rather bad combination of a short skirt and strong wind, i had to take the bus home, and then was too tired to run - anyway-

6. i KNOW pretty much, but there's some stupid inherent optimism or perhaps a really selective memory, that likes to edit out all the rain clouds and superimpose the pretty spring flowers over everything.

good stuff
1. i'm just glad that i understand acid-base now, after all the torture doing it. i felt truly happy and free after the tutorial today.

2. also yay for h3 chem, the bane of my two years in jc! well surely there were other things but i managed to edit over all of them. the funny thing is, we're learning alot of the stuff that we learnt in h3 chem now, like antibacterials, antivirals etc etc OMG amantidine and acicyclovir and zidovudine or whatever it seems like i'm saying hello to old friends hahah. anyway!! i managed to answer qns in tutorials when everyone was quite stumped. sth to do with asprin. THANK YOU H3 CHEM for subconsciously getting filed away inside my brain!!

3. after all the time spent on ssc somehow everyone is rushing like mad now and we settled our stuff what seems like eons ago. good job us =)

4. i just sat down and read a bit of a thousand splendid suns after coming back from dinner and somehow that particular part was truly touching? transcendant? well. yeah.

spring is like a Perhaps hand

kayos happy stuff, the other stuff is still percolating & frankly too much work to do tonight to wallow in any form of self pity or whatever.

1. yesterday - colors of malaysia! kamin as the cool bollywood star, seeing everyone do their dances, slightly strange roti prata, but it was v nice having at least the -notion- of eating roti prata haha. & of course the COMPANY. and playing pepsi cola hahahaha. it was really great fun guys =)

2. today - mass, i really like the chapel. it's like a sanctuary, and it reminds me strongly of my church back home, as in literally it looks like a small bit of the church at home got sectioned out. and it's so cozy and warm and the songs are familiar and remind me of all the times God came through eventually.. etc. it was good. i can't say i remember the sermon, oops, but usually it's funny and affirming and all. and i usually come away with resolutions to be a better person, and the strength to do what i must.

3. picnic cum captains ball! quite funny once we all came back the sun came out in full force -_- haha but anyway, it was v nice! brought an extra bedsheet and GRAPES yay. now ACHING LIKE ANYTHING i know how wimpy... from captain's ball -_- gosh... well in my defence it was UPHILL so that makes it especially tiring.. plus i was a really enthused player, unfortunately once i happily did an own goal, and another time i happily threw to someone on the opposite team, causing them to score a goal. despite that, my team won. WOW. there were -amazing- chewy cookies too & sparkling juice (i koped one unfinished bottle back to my room hahah) &; salmon sandwiches and A LOT OF CHIPS/ NACHOS and just a loooot of food, and a looot of people, haha good job guys (and ofcos the amazing organiser hahah)

so yes, a good sunday =) it was fun talking to gill tooo, havent talked to her for awhile cos we usually only talk when we go to mass hahaha so that's good huh we can check on how regularly we attend mass based on when we last talked lol.

and now i have to do acid base cal, AGAIN. haha. but just woke up from a nap so quite happy & high.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

GAH i hate it when i mess up like that... i'm so sorry. i was tired and i have a stomachache and i've been so behind work lately, been so scattered somehow, just haven't got things together. i'm really quite frustrated with my own inertia...

some things just strike a funny bone, i just don't like being reminded of the past unless it's unequivocally cheery. don't like insinuations that i'm regressing.

it's exhausting changing your mind so many times per second, being unable to decide what you feel. like torsades de pointes the really weird heart rhythm. "twisting about a point". this whole thing is just so twisted and wrong. sick and tired of this charade game i seem to be playing perpetually. it is purely an exercise in logic, and i dont actually feel, except annoyance that it doesn't HAVE any logic.

maybe i need a purpose.
nevermind i will be cheery soon again. just too many things converging on that specific time, causing me to say quite a few of the wrong things. and this stomachache is really quite bad flhdflhgbj.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

ARGHHH I'M GOING TO FAIL MY EXAMS!! woke up at 9.45 went for breakfast and SINCE THEN I HAVE DONE ABSOLUTELY NO WORK.

however, i have
1. watched approximately 1/2 of a grey's anatomy episode (because it refused to load any longer)
2. consumed a lot of milo + coffee (my fav new combination)
3. generally bummed around and made plans for running later. but i think i'm too lazy today -_-

WHYYY do i burn all the weekends like this?!

oh yea and i skyped a bit also.

aurghhhhhhhhhh

i need to invent a drug that legitimately motivates people

inertiaaaaaa

i guess i dont like virology. truthfully the only thing that really makes me do work is anatomy. everything else is like aurgh

OH YES BERNICE IS GOING TO ABERDEEN TO DO MEDICINE!! I AM SO SO SO HAPPY FOR HER!! WE MADE IT FINALLY! omg bernice i don't know how to express my great happiness. i know this means A LOT to you, and it just feels totally awesome that we have both come so far from those days of angsting in the rj library over evil and horrific h3 chem, amongst 101 things. bernice in aberdeen & nic in st andrews and nat in london & sharon in york =) =)

unfortunately she caught me at a rather stressed out time, so i'm afraid my great joy was tempered by all the work hanging over my head like a raincloud, thus my congrats went something like this: YAY YAY YAY!! BUT I MUST TELL YOU ALL THIS WORK IS SOUL-DESTROYING AND THERE'S SO FREAKING MUCH WORK! AND IT'S SO FAR AWAY AND I NEVER FEEL LIKE SPENDING $$ ON THINGS. but it's ok cos it's medicine! but omg i'm going to combust from generalised stresss now! not because there's lots of work but coz i've procrastinated so much and watched too much tv and now i can't finish my stuff for tomorrow and aurgghhh! oh i'm sure it will be eternal bliss for you no worries.

haha. which is very convincing i'm sure.
but ANYWAYS yes, haha, like all things, there will be stressful times, and it's pretty hard having total responsibility over your own time management. i mean i always did, but there was -some- measure of accountability before. although it usually made me quite pissed off and that sorta backfired and i ended up having to ensconce myself in some neutral space which never judged me on how organised and prepared i was... but nevertheless i recognise now that having a totally free rein is NOT A GOOD THING but ok i will totally start work. on viruses. very soon.

so yes there's a lot to learn and stuff but it'll be awesome, and most most most importantly IT'S MEDICINE, WHAT CAN I SAY. i think bernice is possibly the only one i can unashamedly confess my love of medicine to and i know she'll understand. so whatever shiz comes WHO CARES, AT LEAST WE'RE IN MED SCHOOL RIGHT. <3 <3

leading bible study!

YES bible study went ok =) i was talking about religious stuff so i guesss nonsense is not a good word to describe it... suffice it to say i should probably inject some more like reverence into whatever i am saying next time.

"basically at the end of time, there's like some sorting thing" everyone - "JUDGEMENT DAY".

i truly did try though!! it's just that in simplifying stuff down, i definitely lose lots in translation. oh well.

i learnt that one doesn't have to suppress negative feelings... because sometimes you have to DEAL WITH IT for a REASON. as in like there's not much good in shoving the pain under the carpet. you just have to go through the feelings you're meant to go through. sort of like a trial by fire? you can't just take the easy route, if there is even any in the first place.

this is so freeing, not having to beat myself up "stop having those negative feelings!! everything will be ok shush!!"

just watched an episode of grey's where like this kid had 'superhero powers' but really she had some genetic problem which meant she couldn't feel pain and they operated just in time to save her from bleeding internally to death...

i guess all this small stabs of pain and little dissappointments act as warning signs, so you won't die the -real death- like you will cease barking up the wrong trees, stop eating forbidden apples, etc. and even if after you strive for perfection and doing the right thing always if sometimes you still fail to do so, or if let's say you magically do achieve it, you still don't get what you want, life bumps along as usual... at least you're not doing overtly wrong things.

a few weeks into lent, the veil has dropped from my eyes. it's good to give up stuff for lent, i feel. it really does make things so much lighter and freeer. =)

Friday, March 20, 2009

i think forget it la just talk about all the stupid things i do, that will fill a book. no need to pretend to happify my thoughts considering i seem to be submerged in a stream of constant hilarity these days...

today was just doing ssc and suddenly the guy next to me started humming the lord of the dance
!! haha it was quite funny cos i said suddenly "are you catholic?!"

but i LOVE THAT SONG. and easter, haha, i remember well the easters of yore -_-

the weather is GREAT nowadays.

oh yea my ssc mates prob think i'm v -_- cos today i was struggling mightily with the gluestick and finally asked someone for help "the cap won't come off!!" the person helpfully tried to assist, but unfortunately - "the cap's already off!" gaaaaaargh.

worst day ever in a long while.
1. stayed up until 3am doing cal. but didnt technically finish coz i skipped the biological molecules bit in the middle anyways...
2. woke up actually in time for class but i was just -so- tired i decided to go have a leisurely breakfast instead.
3. walked to school just in time to meet group and walk back to halls. RAN for friend's birthday lunch, v nice but ate v alot haha ok nvm how often do i eat sushi here anyways.
4. photocopied notes for pbl, but in my haste i photocopied it badly and on the pg i really wanted the most, half the page is not photocopied.
5. went back for ssc thus did not swim/ run
6. looks like the cycle will repeat tonight

but i DID manage to
1. finish - most - of acid base cal
2. go for a good friend's bday lunch =)
3. eat sushi <3 <3
4. finish my ssc poster with my awesome group =) it was fun guys!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

i had to clear my mind

all i can do is to hope and pray everything will be allright.

ok ok discipline yes. i cant control some things but i can sleep at 12 midnight instead of 4am.

i think i have learnt my lesson well
i know it now i will do it right if i am given the chance. really.
saturday faster come so i can be assured all is well also eat malaysian foooood
& on sunday maybe i can go for 9am mass and join the running club in their long run?! ok on hindsight, 11 miles errr i think i need to train for 10 more years before i run that distance for a fun leisurely run on a sunday morning...

on a more bimbo note,
circles by colbie cailat
I was running in circles
was only a matter of time
before I found myself drowning in troubled lies
was staring back at what I´d seen for a long, long time

how did I break it?
how did I clear my mind?

-Chorus-
This feeling just gets better all the time
so beautiful in front of me that I can´t believe my eyes
I know if I move ahead time is on my side
I´m free from the circle
they´ll be no regrets this time
I was hiding in places I knew nobody could find
until I found myself spinning in rewind
was staring back at what I´d seen for a long, long time
I had to break it
I had to clear my mind

-Chorus-
Hard times that I like to forget about
so much I held inside
god let it out
it took a while to find it
but now I´m here and I can´t deny it

happy things right i broke free of something i badly needed to, and i'm DARNED HAPPY ABOUT IT. CONGRATS SELF. omg i'm now talking to myself.
flghthlljhglhgld

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

there's something freeing and pure about sitting in the bright sunlight, or even in the fluorescent glow from above, consumed by only one thought and one purpose

compared to those scattered days i hate, looking for something when i don't know what i'm looking for. and all these days will forever be the same, no matter how long you run for or which planes you take to where

i like the similarity actually. the knowledge that even if you can't control some things, eventually you will be huddled on a chair doing what you do best, maybe angsting over the same familiar things

maybe we shouldn't be so afraid of what is uncertain. i don't think i would ever have expected to have found myself back in what is practically the same place i've been in my whole life.

i guess in everything there is tension. that's why life is. if not why bother. if not for water surface tension i think most things would go wrong. to be happy or sad, to be here or there. to believe or not to. well, perhaps some tensions are more clear-cut than others. sometimes we choose the tension, for the sake of mystery. i choose to never know if i should believe or not, so that i can oscilliate between the two depending on what i feel like each day when i tumble out of bed throw on everything and run to school.

i don't think i have encapsulated this feeling at all, oh well
it's a happy one, i think, of being inside a glassed building, looking out at paranomic views as you make theoretical calculations with minute quantities. i think i spend entirely too much time on my own doing these things. i should take up some rough team sport like rugby or something. lol.
and i hate acid-base, what's new. i also hate physics but i think i want to be an anesthesiologist next time, oh good luck to me.
just a random note: i usually only wax lyrical about things or people if i think the people involved are highly unlikely to come across this. haha. either that, or i'll disguise the, ah, waxing lyrical beyond recognisability.

why, not very sure, perhaps not sure if people like to be waxed about, to their knowledge?! if you have no such preferences can let me know hahaha. slightly like elton john's your song where he says "i hope you don't mind/ i hope you don't mind/ that i put down in words/ how wonderful life is/ when you're in the world"

but i <3 you all anyway of course! (i generalise happily).

very tangentially related points, often with no link in between

some things are better not made clear. you should grow roses and brambles over it all, to obfuscate the real truth. (some truths should be told to everyone except the person concerned, too). some things are best pretended about, and forgotten.

despite everything, i treasure every single moment of delusion, of angst, of poetic tirades, of unpoetic tirades, of all that it meant and did not mean. for the joy of feeling, for the subsequent joy of being free, for the laughter and tears, for the inefficiency, and how it felt like to finally absorb myself in work again.

and i think it amusing that though i like nasi lemak as much as the next (home-food deprived student) person here, it is the combination of cranberries and almonds bought in my free twenty minutes before pbl that reminds me of (cranberry almond crunch?!! a post breakfast cereal at any rate) home.
zzzz i think i set new records for procrastination
not very sure how i managed to get my act together for the sem one exams but -uh- i DON'T think that's going to happen this time round!!

-most- of the funny stuff like priorities project (where we have to bid and support faster hip replacements while competing against literally lifesaving things like smoking cessation for pregnant woman without sounding snarky 'it's their choice to smoke!! no one chooses to have their hip die on them!!' - anyway, its prolly hard to quit, the stuff is addictive, so who's to judge really. and yeah loads of people go running and do funny stuff to make their hips go faster) and ssc are -vaguely- done, at least my own indiv part for each of the above is settled.

so i'm settling in for a nice night reading about the pathogenesis of lung cancer.
sounds all hunky dory right EXCEPT THAT i can't actually find the answers in my patho book -_-. or should i say, my borrowed from the hospital library and shamelessly renewed patho book. cos i hung on to big robbins for months, i felt quite bad when i finally had to let it go and got the basic version. also because i had bad memories of weeks of staring catatonically at gossip girl and eating many many digestive biscuits over... the open pages of the acute inflammation chapter of big robbins, and felt should start anew

WELL you know what they say about how a bad workman blames his tools... looking forward to a wild goose chase for pbl answers tomorrow. i really need to be more efficient in times where the spectre of exams is not looming over me, so that perhaps i wouldn't GET TO THAT POINT of sheer terror.

so the night of my half marathon, my foot itself was aching, but a few days on, my legs are KILLING me. am annoying everyone by loudly announcing this fact as i make my way down the lecture theatre steps, i'm sorry!! it is really remarkable. try having your thighs scream at you with every step you take down an EXTREMELY long and steep flight of steps, and having to stop mid-ouch to wait for people to take their time/ the human traffic jam at the doors to dissapate. NOT FUN. haha.

bearing this in mind, it was literally quite painful to do research into hip replacements for my priorities project yesterday. i think i shall give up running for swimming much as i love running, there are just SO MANY difficulties people with hip replacements face... like they can't bend their hip beyond 90 degrees or something so cant like do shoelaces/ pick up stuff. anyway as i sat there, aching from my great exertion, reading about people in great pain... well not to say at all that whatever i feel is very painful or is as much as they must feel. but it just felt quite parallel-ly horrifiying. i felt like OH NO I hope i'm not setting myself up for this in the future!!!

aaaaaaaargh ok back to pbl
my facil was v nice and baked us cookies couple weeks ago!

and i watched joseph and the amazing technicolor dreamcoat last night and it was good =) ok, admittedly some bits were cheesy and stuff, but it was cutely cheesy i felt!! the song of the king (elvis) was SO what nat would call "punny" and that kept me amused for quite long hahaha. ahh people seem to be divided on this topic so i shall say no more than i enjoyed it as a diversion from procrastinating from work and a fun time out with friendsss, and i wiiish i could spend more $$ on plays, and i might watch chicago after exams IF I MANAGE TO BRING MYSELF TO STUDY.

Monday, March 16, 2009

PB timing for 21k =) =)

hi world,

I LOVE MONTY PYTHON.

ok back to normal programming
(I LOVE THE COCONUTS that make the noise of horses' hooves clattering!! and how sir galahad goes to the castle of anthrax & the maidens, oh sorry, the -doctors- try to give him... well.. you know... HAHA. and zoot's twin sister saying "zoot is a naughty, bad, evil girl!" while trying to make an excuse about the holy grail -_- okay that did not make much sense, but it will if you watch it, PLEASE, PLEASE DO. i love the trojan horse thing, and how when sir galahad gets rescued by his friends from the maidens he said "i don't need rescuing, i can handle them single-handedly!" and the girls go "yes, let him handle us single-handedly!!" sorry if there were any spoilers there btw but seriously please do watch it =))

CRAZY TIRING halfmarathon today, aching EVERYWHERE, thanks you guys who came down & supported me/ cheered/ bought isotonic drinks/ teh tarik hahaha for me/ sent smses, really made the stupidly self-imposed self-torture much more bearable. THE PEOPLE HERE RUN SO QUICKLY well more funny stories to tell.

haha. i think this half marathon has helped me more than i suspected it would. i signed up for it after much delibration primarily because it evoked a part of me i had forgotten, that of improving my running so drastically and achieving more than i could ever have hoped for, purely through determination. the feeling that got me through some really tough times in the past.

i didn't suspect that it would push other unwelcome thoughts so incredibly effectively out of my head. which is good. these few weeks i have been consumed by thoughts of whether (weather HAHAAH) it would rain or snow or get dark before i finished running, and what to eat when so that i could run, and when to give myself a break for my muscles to regenerate, that i haven't really been able to think of much else. except pressing schoolwork like pbl and research for ssc and pesky cals.

randomly
thanks to my neighbors who put up with funny music at funny times of the day
thanks to the lovely lovely people who put up with funny (as in funny-weird) questioning at even odder times of the day (for them)
thanks for the ever-present people who laugh at my sometimes funny, sometimes funny for being not-funny jokes, or often quite unfunny angsts about decidedly funny people

i have gone through life thus far being highly confused, but when i look back at my life so far I see God's footprints all over it.
and also that even if we don't know if we are doing the right thing when we are doing it, hopefully in the future when we look back on now, we will see that indeed miraculously we have done the right thing.
that's all we can hope for really

Saturday, March 14, 2009

"rapid motion through space elates one" - james joyce

because they say it better than i could myself (also how will how i know how i will do until i actually run it?!! so until then, these will have to suffice.)

Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop. Lewis Carroll

"In running, it doesn't matter whether you come in first, in the middle of the pack, or last. You can say 'I have finished.' There is a lot of satisfaction in that."


I had as many doubts as anyone else. Standing on the starting line, we're all cowards.-- Alberto Salazar

Other people may not have high expectations of me, but I have high expectations for myself.-- Shannon Miller

You have a choice. You can throw in the towel, or you can use it to wipe the sweat off of your face.--Gatorade

Run like hell and get the agony over with.--Clarence DeMar

The greatest pleasure in life, is doing the things people say we cannot do.-- Walter Bagehot

a v good quote on life, that should be remembered, and should be practiced both as is, and also in not belittling people's ambitions too i guess.
"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great."Mark Twain

and finally
something i have learnt since approximately one year ago
"The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core of strength within you that survives all hurt."Max Lerner

=)

running quotes

i'm embarking on my own special kind of mad pursuit come sunday, quite nervous about it since the last one was last december i think? and i haven't exactly been training, well definitely not the way all the websites that come up when you google halfmarathon say one should. but yeah i have trained to some extent.

goals - firstly to FINISH IT secondly to do so at a vaguely respectable time. let's see, previously i ran between 2:45-2:20 i thiiink so if i hit 2.45 i'll actually be very very happy (considering i should be better at this running thing after so many years), if i hit 2:30 i'll be ESCTATIC.

"We run, not because we think it is doing us good, but because we enjoy it and cannot help ourselves. The more restricted our society and work become, the more necessary it will be to find some outlet for this craving for freedom. No one can say, 'You must not run faster than this, or jump higher than that.' The human spirit is indomitable."
-
Sir Roger Bannister, first man to break the four minute mile

i AGREE. people can say what they like, or not-say what they would wish to, or whatever. i am what i am (unlike iago, who is not what he is not. lol). and i run because i feel like it enables me to live the rest of life. sure, it has tons of other benefits as well like i guess keeping fit. but if i really train vigorously, the exhaustion i feel is so overwhelming and mind-numbing that usually i no longer am bothered with minor things like being unfit or whatever. lol.

i honestly don't know if i can do this on sunday, not because i haven't done it before, because i have, but because each race is just different. and i dont remember any of the previous races, just that i think they were all quite tough, i was really happy after them (cos they were OVER hahah, plus endorphins..)

yeah so everything is rather different. different country different training etc. have to sort my own pre-race food, even running at a different time of the day (i miss waking up at 5am and driving down to the esplanade, drowsy and bleary-eyed and watching everyone converge at the same place magically at such an unearthly hour, like some kind of secret i've been let in on. i miss the tents at the end, trying to locate people, and having nasi lemak at the end...) .

i wish i could say i could do it and to a certain extent, your mental state does affect your race. but i dont really wanna be too cocky for no good reason, cos then i'll feel rather dumb halfway through when my legs are sore and i just feel like its so easy to turn and run back to halls. BUT. nerves are ok. nerves are NORMAL. my little voice says YOU CAN DO IT. and i think, i think i might be able to. JUST THESE STUPID NERVES.

some happy quotes that i like

"There's no such thing as bad weather, just soft people."
- Bill Bowerman

"Anybody can do just about anything with himself that he really wants to and makes his mind to do. We are capable of greater than we realize."
- Norman Vincent Peale, author

"Running is a big question mark that's there each and every day. It asks you, 'Are you going to be a wimp or are you going to be strong today?'"
- Peter Maher, Irish-Canadian Olympian and Sub-2:12 marathoner

i run cos it makes me feel strong, i run because no one can tell me what to do, no one can tell me if i can run or i can't run (for the record, dudes, i can. thanks. if you can run better, good on you, you probably can too. lols) well that's the attitude i have when running anyway hahaha. i think the freedom i find in my life is not really in like doing way out exotic daredevil stuff. i feel free when i am running easily along the roads; i feel like despite anything at least i still have running.

OK enough of the wimpy waxing lyrical things, sunday's race is going to be SO PAINFUL ZOMG I CAN IMAGINE IT ALREADY. taking today and saturday off, i have NEVER ACTUALLY DONE THAT BEFORE YO so err dunno how that will work. good luck to me zomg. but dont worry i ran everyday around dec- jan and then since sem 2 started about like 2ish times a week, if i ran less i was prolly swimming quite a few times/ week, and ran nearly every day for these 2 weeks SO i think can FINISH lah. just how long i take.

-scared-
haha. i know i'm oscillating between being strong and being scared. aaaargh going to watch grays to destress.

Friday, March 13, 2009

excellent day.

ok so even though i think i'm scribing for pbl, i stayed up until 2am (third night in a row this week. but it beats tues and weds night which was until 2.40am..) doing pbl.

THEN when i woke up, discovered someone had stolen my lunchbox in the pantry fridge, so NO LUNCH. Nevermind I think, I've ordered packed food anyway. I go down too late for breakfast, and collect an excellent lunch SANS the apple and the lunch bar i like -_- SO that's basically crossaint and alot alot of jams.

so i had the crossaint and a bar for breakfast which leaves me with... plain yoghurt for lunch.
and i discover i still dont know a lot about ventilation-perfusion things AND all of acid base.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

SURELY i can finish my gas exchange pbl in the next 2.5 hrs?!
i think i'm giving myself a mental block about it... like i just believe i can't do it, and hence i can't. or it could just be really diabolical. i want to watch plays =( =( =( OH but on a happy note, joseph and the amazing technicolor coat coming up this weekend!! looking forward to that, MEADOWS MARATHON also <3 <3 and next weekend malaysian night!
all i can say is i completely understand why uneven ventilation and blood flow depress the arterial PO2.

i identify with the arterial PO2.
was angsting that i have a bad tendancy to preach rather than practice.

and yeah my friend said this which i think is quite true - when you preach to someone, you're also preaching to yourself. at the very least, the disjunct between what you say and the reality of what you do will change your behaviour at least! (haha that's from health promotion tutorials wow i rmbed that!!)

anddd from our daily bread:
God’s whisper of comfort quiets the noise of our trials.

all i want is peace
it is not impossible. because there is something i really dont want
oh sod it all, until i finish everything i have to (near impossibility) i wont be happy, isnt that how it works

but today went as well as it could have had and that is good
feeling quite pleased at my anatomy stint last night until 2.30am (admittedly i did spend quite a bit on time on msn oops). but it's not how long i spent on it, rather the ABSOLUTE LOVELINESS of my notes that makes me happyyy

AND AND i then did not fall asleep in class! took copious notes during immunology lecture for once, was awake during gas exchange lectures, and caught the bus to the far-away hospital on time. woots! once there, between me and my partner we watched 7 inductions of anesthesia and interviewed 4 patients. SUCH AMAZING PRODUCTIVITY like never before.

unfortunately i need to fit 2 one-hour runs, the trachea and larynx and a lot of gas exchange for pbl into the next 48 hours.

that was the sane account of today, here's the rest
thoughts are flying round my head like mosquitoes and it's getting really irritating i just can't stand it. i find that my own cliches and ways of coping with things are completely useless. i couldnt comfort or assuage myself if the fate of the universe depended upon it, let alone my own sanity.

which is just stupidly tiring. it was ok the first few times but really, playing mind games with yourself is just.... right going round in circles used to be fun, but headaches are not

i used to think, if i got rid of any particular obsession, i would be a better person for it. UM. no. it's just exchanging obsessions. but i couldn't live life without having something i felt strongly for. SO HOW.

break today was quite nice - drew $$$ bought a cereal bar, printed ssc and then went to the library bar next to school, and watched hilarious videos on rita's iphone. and cappuchino =) behind me my pblmate was assiduously doing work and i could see the golden yellow learning objective sheets insiduously hidden under people's writing pads but OH WELL.

dinner today was nice, and nice company, and lectures today were good company too i'm glad for these people =) and for those back home who pop up on msn do you guys know how happy you make me? it's good to keep in contact with friends really like a breath of fresh air.

7.45-10 finish pbl, shower somewhere in between. return rita her book.
SLEEP

tomorrow (thurs)
run in either morning (outside) or afternoon gym. prolly morning.
do anat before anat pract
anat pract
PBL all night looong

friday
lessons, finish up pbl, pbl, bus back and RUN

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

NO TIME NO TIME AAAAAAAARGH

meanwhile, from dreams collide by colbie cailat
I am stuck here in a moment
And I'm trying to pretend
So I'll play this feeling over and over again.

But it all breaks down if I
Keep on wasting all my time.
All alone, in my head
Wish I'd never thought about it in the end.

I close my eyes
And try to hide
But I wake when these dreams collide
__________________________
today's gathering was rather interesting i must say. guys and football........ hahaha.

i'm genuinely interested in everything i have to do at this very moment. anatomy is OBVIOUSLY my greatest love in the world. it is seriously the only thing i ever make pretty notes for. so sue me. going to hospitals for my project, wow, what can i say <3 <3 <3 (if only it didnt take 2.50 each way and wasn't so incredibly exhaustingggg) this week's pbl is AWESOME. i really love sitting through the first session feeling insanely stupid for knowing nothing, and coming out of the second having understood life, the universe, and everything. well, perhaps just how to treat fluid loss. which i have now forgotten. oh well, i knew it once. lol. that having been said, there is NO WAY I CAN FINISH EVERYTHING WHY DID I SIGN UP FOR A HALF MARATHON?!!

ohhh and apparently, my friend who signed up for it too got an email saying he was signed up for the 5k?! if i train like shiz for the half marathon and i end up running the 5k......... THERE WILL BE NO WORDS. ok i better dont say first. 5k at race pace is quite a painful thought. NEVERTHELESS....

on that note of happy angst (like the lecturer today "...and we're all going to die while the primitives in papua new guinea survive to bring forth a new human race. on that note, have a good day." WELL very paraphrased but yeah), night folks.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

i think i should stop carefully hazing over things. the nasal cavities are really mysterious

i dont seem to be doing any work but my notes just magically appear, written closely with colors and pretty diagrams. i hope i dont fail, if i dont even remember when i wrote this, how will i remember what i wrote?!

yes so i think i should write my days as bad poetry. hahaha good thing about writing during lectures - they can be inspiring! read: ice age (having a global warming lecture just now.)

The lecturer is like my personal hero. he makes fun of people who sleep/ talk/ laugh during his lecture. one dude was laughing, he went "i hope your house is built on high ground!"

yayyy next year i have not only cool flatmates but friends staying ONE FLOOR ABOVE!!! thats kamin and wan and firdaus for those of you who know. yay yay yay!! it all just feels so communual and fun hahah.

to various people

1
dandelion
blowing balloons of dreams,
those that would bear you off
to distant realms

2
it is like waking up
at midnight
to be presented with
a cup of ice-cream

3
like returning salmon
we will find our way upstream
again

4
i remember your reflection
as it rained outside and i
hoped my lightning
rod was in place

5
ice age
now, thoughts of you are like
mythical rainbows and
chamber-pots of gold
they float up unannounced
like goblets of oil
from dirty dishes in the sink's nose

if i but told you this, all
the global warming in the world,
all the fairy-water and snow
couldn't stop the inevitable
ice age and stupid sniffling
i'll explain as a really bad cold
very very tired but in the past 8 days i've run 6 times so hey i deserve it this time haha.

the past few days have been... either really confusing or enlightening. i'm glad i made it for mass (by the skin of my teeth), quite bad really, i got there just after the gospel, cos i was running >< yes i'm ashamed of it. my lack of self-discipline will NOT NOT NOT result in this again. but i nearly ran back to halls, then i realised the church was just next to the meadows... hai.

well anyway after lots of events which have literally taken place in my mind, i think i have come to terms with things.
the stay up late all night to think about life way = BAD
the go on a rollercoaster and write bad poetry way = UNEQUIVOCALLY bad

when you advised me to continue the dreadful cycle, and i said, i think i will, im not sure i envisioned this.

running has helped in so many ways, and tea (twinings blackcurrant ginseng & vanilla) in all manner of exotic flavors, and tortilla wraps. today the wind blew so strongly i could hardly run, and i fell asleep in class almost continuously. my paper now looks like one of those inkblot tests.

but hey no matter what, this week i've run, i've done (minimal but not zero) work, i've gone to church (just barely), i've been a good kid. i have been sad and then unsaddened the root of it, i have thought things were truly funny.

And my goodness i think. just heck it all. goodnight.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

nooo we're back to "it was a dark and stormy night".

hey, if this decision brings me peace, it means it is the right one.

OH oh i learnt today that the diaphragm sags UPWARDS and contracts downwards. who would've thought?!

i dont always have to find the answers myself, even just talking about it, sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel becomes crystal clear, or just slightly less opaque than usual. i think grey's will help, somehow.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

the tension i think is between being happy and sad. maybe i need some surfactant hahah. i just don't FEEL like being sad, but i know i really should, because what's there to be happy about in this whole thing? sure, i can use running to numb the pain, but running doesn't quite entirely preclude thinking.

i have decided to do something i have done before. it failed spectacularly, but i think the outcome was the same, and i got some weeks of sanity out of it. and going on like this is not an option. here goes nothing.
very very very sad =(

i just feel incredibly tired. maybe one day, if i can manage to get a long bus ride to somewhere, i will figure this out. because trying to ignore things works, yes, but when the things come back again, you have no peace. i give up now, i no longer will pray for an answer, because i realise, an affirmative would mean more games of reversi, and an answer which i do not like... WELL i guess i wouldn't like it. nonchalence worked for a bit, but it's just something to hide behind, something which i can no longer hide behind. i just pray for peace now. peace whichever way it turns out. i dont even mind being boring, because i know that there are so many other parts of my life that are funny

please just give me peace, God. that is all i pray. i won't even say anymore, let Your will be done, because i've said it enough times, and i'm pretty sure it would be done anyways. what's the point of me sitting here saying over and over again "i will accept anything you give" because the FACT is, i only will if i like what i get. DUH. ie, i wont just accept anything. and that makes it seem like i have a CHOICE, or that there is UNCERTAINTY as to what you WILL give me.

there should be no more thinking, there should be no more talking. i should just become boring for a while, and just do work, and run, and stuff. i'm just too tired, and honestly, i can't be bothered with trying to be everything to everyone anymore. because at the end of it, i'm not anything, to anyone.

ok hahah angst huhhh. i know i know there are some areas i cannot, just cannot let slide, no matter how tiring it may be. but trying too hard with everything else just makes it harder for me to do the basics. haha. maybe tomorrow will be a better day. it probably will. =)

peace. that is all i ask for. (and books.) (and laughter, about the right things)
quite funny how my dilemnas evolve over time. well that's good i guess.
current dilemnas
should i take the free bus (horribly restrictive schedule, leaves in 5 mins and i havent done any work)
or payyyyy (aurgh)
should i watch movies or do work (definitely a new dilemna)

i want books. loads and loads of books. sometimes i fantasize kind people will leave storybooks (GOOD ONES) outside my door, like some kinda personal library service. but NO such thing WHY?! life is evidently unfair. currently reading a thousand splendid suns, which i have thus far shunned as one of the popular books that everyone reads, but << cool ones like a thousand years of solitude. but it's actually quite good reading! i like the bit where the woman is silently smirking at her husband. oh dear. but he IS quite horrible. I miss reading books almost like as if a part of me is gone. But there isn't any time to read anyway. A new thought slowly germinating in my head is to use lunch money to buy books and dabao food. But since i already dabao food, i think that just means money going out WHEN I COULD BORROW THEM. Or I could buy less coffee/ random snacks. hmmmmm. on that note, Muller's Rice is rather nice.

right the free bus just left, guess that's one decision less to make!

meteorites

i've come to the conclusion that the answer is there is no answer. oh, and that i dunno why i ditched running for swimming. oh i remember it's cos during winter it gets dark at 3.30pm so usually i cant ACTUALLY run outside since classes are 9-3.30or 9-5

but now it's spring! and i can run outside starting as late as 5-6pm. oh the joy! freedom never tasted so good. flowers are springing up in the meadows too and it looks really pretty. i thank my rather painful cross training for being able to run so easily and freely down the tree-lined pathways, for being able to sprint back just in time for breakfast (9.55, can't go in once it's 10am), just for being able to enjoy running.

but then again maybe it's all fun and games coz i'm not pushing myself hard enough... HM. okay will start timing properly next week. for now, i'm running about slightly less than 3 times round the meadows. + the distance there and back (around 7-8mins each way, so = 1km?) is in total i'd say 8k. looking forward to a looooong run tomorrow PLEASE LET IT NOT SNOW. or rain!

i really enjoy being obsessive about running. haha. running is probably the most easily- worked- upon area of my life. like i just need to train more and i'll definitely improve. other things EG study habits: errrr. lol.

the weekend started yesterday really. anat! my all time favourite thing, then back home about 4pm, watch 2.5 hour movie, feel very cheered. actually sleep at midnight for once. this is now considered COMMENDABLE and EARLY. morning run, cornflakes, decide to slack off and not walk to take the free bus (tskkk), pbl (tiring but cookies were involved. and meteorites.). and woots one more tiring week is over!

well not really meteorites, unfortunately. actually just trolleys. we had it in a rather odd out of the way room in the hospital, which no one could find. how we all ended up in the same place at the same time remains a mystery to me.

in the process of walking there with louis chalmers & mark, distracted by a cheery group recount of how i called first the chair, then the scribe when i was lost a few pbl sessions ago, and caused everyone to think the scribe was "just having a chat" when he picked up my call halfway through scribing...

i TRIPPED OVER A SMALL BOY aaaargh. well very nearly. he was VERY VERY SMALL! like... i didnt even know they could walk at that age!! i'm sorry, cute small kid!! i really am! proceeding into the lift, and i moan "i can't believe i just did that!" and lean into the wall of the lift... crashing into this person who sort of "sneaked behind" me (as louis& mark described later). i just basically leant into her the way you would lean into a ... WALL. except obviously she wasn't a wall. NOT MY DAY EVIDENTLY.

aaaaargh now i'm slacking off instead of doing useful things like the physiology of breathing.

yesterday i got a rather odd phone call from a friend.
him: hey i met a girl and can i bring her to your room and borrow your phone?
me: WTF?!

turns out it was a really nice girl visiting from new york, and my friend had met her somewhere nearer my house of residence than his, and she needed to borrow my room phone cos she only had her friends' internal phone numbers. i have to admit i was quite !! about it, especially since my room looks like a tornado, and i was at some climatic point in a very exciting movie, but when the girl was like YAY! on the phone when she finally got through to her friend, i felt kinda glad that i actually helped someone. so yay!

also few nights ago - most of the malaysians were off having dance practice for their v exciting sounding colors of malaysia thing. the guys were for some reason suggesting ways i should save electricity next year in my flat?! i dunno why ah actually do i come across as someone v keen on saving electricity?! haha jk i think it's because i was telling them how it's so near to med school we can use the med school wireless. also if the morning rush for the one bathroom becomes too insane can just brush teeth in the med school toilet haha. yes, it is THAT near. so er one of the ways is to, get this, walk around in darkness using glowsticks. we could also host mad parties with glowsticks! like those uv raves i see being continuously advertised on every wall-like surface in my hall of residence. in case my flatmates to be see this: DONT WORRY NO MAD RAVES. oh yeah, deterrant for burglars, cos it'll be all dark! plus, i'll be so attuned to the darkness i'll be able to see the burglar immediately, and assult him! another v good idea, by yours truly - stick up all my glow in the dark planet stickers, then "he'll think he's in outer space". HAHA kk don't kill me.

maybe respiration will give me some inspiration? LOL. sorry couldnt resist.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

a few rather unrelated points

it boils down to this: i like to be happy, who doesn't anyway -_-

so sue me, because i wish to be happy. sue me cos i want to be nice, cos i want to do the right thing. you know they say, you have to be cruel to be kind. and yea i totally understand. it seems a little hard sometimes to deal with, and it plays games with the mind. but there has to be a reason for it, and the reason is surely not what i would happily suspect, left to my own devices.

actually today was pretty good, ran 8k in 1 hour =) or maybe more. but i did a 1 hr long run and now i feel SHATTERED which is excellent. running heals all. and i need the symbolism to bring me through my sem 2 exams. and i did like 2/5 pbl qns, and some cals. and discussed ssc on the bus.

all the strange fishes were always so nice and always there and all that that i was like in a little bubble of good things. true, stuff happened that really sucked, but i had such an awesome support system in place, or some really good coping mechanism, or maybe i just forgot all the bad bits. haha. but i just know that the good always generally > bad. even in the hardest times, there was always someone who was properly placed to be sympathetic, who it was perfectly natural to tell. ON HINDSIGHT. then, it felt like neverending torture. and even a's which was so so horrific is sort of ensconced in my memory as a happy and carefree time?! gossiping outside the library over food we dabaoed up with manyun and bernice, figuring out maths questions, FREE FLOW OF BOOKS which now seems like such a wonderful thing, watching the guys have paperball fights between the shelves...

i have never really had to face the truth, in all of that.
and i should do my cals now. that is also a truth i am loathe to consider.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

interestingly enough, i think i have matured enough to the point where happiness is doing the right thing and the rest soon comes later. but the right thing is a subjective concept =p
life is very confusing, i am currently in love with bacteria as a consequence. currently composing a poem entitled "an ode to a bacterium". as in real bacteria.

a run-down of bacteria - some are positive and some are negative.
positive
streptococci - strings of them, catalase negative
staphylococci - clusters, catalase positive.
negative
neisseria (round) which has n. meningitidis --> meningitis & n. gonorrhoea --> gonorrhoea (infects mucous membrane of cervix, urethra, if a baby passes thru the infected birth canal --> purulent conjunctivitis)
neisseria grows on chocolate agar not mac conkey agar (agar with bile salts so selective for intestinal bacteria like ecoli)
and... i've only done random bacteria thus far like legionella (in water, apparently it's so called cos some american legion conference was ongoing and everyone got felled by legionnaire's disease) this gives fever, pneumonia, confusion, neurological probs
and campylobacter (haha! campy!) and it's curved or s shaped or spiral, and is a major cause of diarrhoea, due to usually animals esp birds, and in cross contamination between raw and cooked food, like in poulyty, milk. due to C.jejuni usually, or C. coli.
and vibro cholerae which --> cholera --> profuse water diarrhoea

that's as far as i've gotten! but havent studied for rather long so am VERY PLEASED.
although that's probably far more than anyone wanted to know LOL
and i ran 50mins in the gym just now, well on track for my 21k i must say! (not.)

happy thoughtssss. well life is pretty uncertain, but heck, i shall enjoy what i can =) and anyway, this is something i can well enjoy. maybe it's better this way, actually. to be happy, or to be even more happy? wow what a hard choice isnt it.

Monday, March 2, 2009

just to reflect on this week

i think it has been pretty vile, with many deadlines, and consequently very little swimming or running but quite a lot of chocolate and crossaints involved.

VERY LITTLE studying done, thank God for PBL really, i doubt i'd learn anything w/out it as you are FORCED to study SOMETHING for your pbl. if not what with selfdirected learning and all wow i'd really spend my days leisurely doing... whatever i do.

therefore i now know alot about asthma. and drugs to treat it!!
next week
1. wake up at 6.30 am every day to run (21 KM HALF MARATHON COMING UP HAHAHA GOOD ONE considering i've only run like once a week since i came back after christmas hols.)
2. KEEP UP WITH LECTURES.
3. go down to st john's. er. at least once. pull things together for poster
4. philosophize about milk, without talking to anyone about it
In a fit of great productivity, I have accomplished the following today
1) wake up extremely late
2) attend sunday mass
3) discuss paris trip
4) type in exciting fonts the words "gram positive bacteria"

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

yesterday too was nothing more than a study in efficiency
1) wake at midday
2) go for long brunch
3) spend whole afternoon crying over split milk, or was the milk even there in the first place? oh such existentialist angsttttt. and much religious debate with myself (Why did God create milk in the first place? Does God like the idea of milk at all or is it a notion invented by humans? Should I drink milk ever again?) well, obviously not, but you get the idea as to what i really mean surely. yes. the whole afternoon. i am champion.
4) decide not to run
5) theoretically choreograph a 1.5 minute bollywood dance, but really have v funny discussion about people and watch many hot bollywood actors (try youtubing hrithik muscles), and listen to extremely long and complicated explaination of the aforementioned 1.5 minute dance.
6) talk on skype for three hours

ZOMG WILL SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM MYSELF?!

the remainder of today will TRULY be put to good use, i swear
1. ORGANIZE MY LAUNDRY. i have now dumped all the clothes on my bed so that i am forced to portion them into the laundry bags i used before i sleep, ensuring that they finally get washed.
2. GRAM POSITIVE BACTERIA. this is obviously part of my new think positive plan.
btw, i am still not decided on milk. but seeing as i have chosen the euphemism of milk, i think there is a subconscious symbolism at play here, as i am actually slightly allergic to milk. then again, only at home where i get ezcema or ibs, so that could be symbolic too i guess... if anyone has any bright ideas, help would be greatly appreciated.
3. SLEEP EARLY AND RUN TOMORROW

i have decided to run the meadows marathon, half marathon really, to get rid of winter fat. also because it's reaaally easy to be too lazy to run here. oops. haha. trying to decide which charity to run for =)

Sunday, March 1, 2009

most harrowing week everrr, but really good bible study

meadows marathon in about 3 weeks time, can't decide if to run 5k or 21k? i can DEFINITELY run 5k, it's just how fast; the only time i've done a real competitive race (half marathons were for fun not really competitive) was 3.2k and it was SHEER TORTURE even though i'd been training for half a year? and whether to run competitive or for charity? need to sign up by 3rd march argh

TO DO LIST
1. file all notes - cv into one file and respi notes into another
2. do microbiology lecture notes - gram positive & gram negative bacteria
3. LAUNDRY