About Me

Saturday, October 31, 2009

butterfly- lifehouse

a darkness creeping up about half past eight

she finds her comfort inside bedtime stories and fairy tales
anything with a happy ending she says it can never fail

I know it won't be long
till you turn into a butterfly
I know you're weak but you're hanging on
cause you're dreaming of an open sky

she don't wanna talk about it cause that's all that she's done
she don't wanna think about it she's not the only one
she doesn't wanna be what she doesn't have to be
doesn't have to be

she wants to live a life that's real and not just for pretend

:)

heh bring it on man. today just on autopilot, savoring all the unexpected free time. wake up late pbl goes well wander around. whats up tmr i cant rmb also. god answers prayers so people be careful what you pray for. i think i shouldnt pray for awhile coz i never know what to ask for. i got tired because i prayed and never got it. why can't i just have that?

Friday, October 30, 2009

look. i may be inefficient, coffee-dependent, overly enthused about medicine, too caught up in things; unable to say no, too cynical; too romanticised. BUT i am innocent of whatever it is that is suspected?! i know i know it seems like everything's a bit off now. but it's PRIORITIES. maybe leaving a clean trail, thinking about the repercussions of everything, forgetting to keep my watch on, all these just took a back seat to running around madly trying to settle everything placate everyone type up notes keep up with the endless pbl ssc anat cycles. I'M SORRY!! i really am. w said stop saying sorry. but i want to be blameless; perfect in this area more than anything else!! i even prayed for it to go away coz i know in order to be perfectly in order this won't do. how much must i emphasize the amount of sacrifice i make?! yes. perhaps now i am more concerned about.. certain things which I AM SURE you want me to be concerned about isn't it anyway?! please please just try and be more understanding.

maybe i don't wish to detail the march-hare madness of wonderland, or whatever. honestly, it's just actually pretty depressing, and i dont like to discuss negative stuff (except obviously in this space heh.) im sure the general idea comes across even though i try hard to keep it back. for not being utterly cheerful despite having to face all sorts of bombardments 24/7, because i can barely find the strength to do what i have to do let alone ice cupcakes just because, truly, i am regretful. i will do better next time. zhen de. this means a lot to me, being accountable. i slipped up and showed too much. but the reason that what i have to show doesn't look in apple pie order is because things are... more like mudpie order. so no matter how i strive to put a glossy sheen on it... it's inevitable that the truth will out. i just literally have no time even to glossify things anymore, because i'm always rushing to plug the next leak; build the next dam. i don't even have time right now to think about what i should do; how i can make sure i do things properly next time, for all the next times. just pray that it will be ok and i won't repeat this.

and for what people inflict upon me, i have to say IT ISN'T MY FAULT, what do you expect me to do about it?! someday i have to learn to deal with these things. and it isn't all bad. don't worry. i can assimilate, ameliorate all this. it can all be hilarious one day. that day is coming fast.

must. do. gait. lecture. now. sue me coz i dont even want to take a break and watch house or greys. sue me because i don't have a spare moment anymore. sue me coz i don't know where to find rest anymore. and im sure the reason is obvious. it pains me to talk or think about it but it's always been like that right?! well i literally have nothing in my arsenal; narnian treasury to deal with this. everything has been exhausted upon this. i hadnt realised how much happiness in the sadness, or sadness in the happiness it gave, how much hope and positivity it infused into this.. area that means the most to me, all this while. to think it never will again... let's not go there. i know it wont, but. and what i am doing now, will it sever this imaginary unicorn horn forever? can you honestly blame me for not wanting to wait on the leprechauns anymore? gold is gold but some just ain't what they seem. there is much i have done that is wrong but i am sorry to say that there is nothing i could have done that would have been right.

anyways pbl went awesome coz it co-rrelated well with lectures i'd typed up already :) next hurdle: ssc! finish gait and lower motor neurone etc etc stuffs. and 101 lectures. oh for 100 hours in a day. then maybe 2 hrs of greys, 98 of neuro?

please God, make it ok. am i praying for too much? it upsets me to have these nebulous galaxies of doubt, blame, accusations floating around.

wy msged me just now saying can get free coffee from starbucks!! may not get since today is mad rushing about but still. happy sms :)

ps: guys i know im a bad friend in general. but like what abby said, i may not always be there, but i promise always to listen if u need help. im MORE THAN HAPPY to help with anything as you all well know i'm sure. i promise to nearly always be cheerful, to try and think of more lame puns ;p
some things are a necessary evil

& i pray for odd things. but i prayed for it. in a moment of rare virtuosity. it's for the best. IT'S FOR THE BEST.

i dont want to be the dude in the middle of the flood ignoring the helicopters/ boats eg coming to save him. i want to be the person who swims out of the flood without needing anyone's help. that's unfortunately generally impossible. but anyway..

happier stuff; monster anat pract over, my resolutions are solidifying, ran in meadows (only 40mins, and it was darkening at an amazing speed :(), icp is overrr for the week, wasnt as tiring as expected, didn't kill anyone taking blood/ get killed having blood taken (mostly coz neither happened hahaha).

Thursday, October 29, 2009

OK

just blew up, good one!!!!! goshhhhh.

sO this has to STOP.

happy things
1. run just now in meadows
2. impromptu dinner all of us together + successful?! salmon heh. and yummy sphagetti!
3. salsa was v fun, learnt some new stuff and partnered this really pro guy who told me i was good considering i'd just started? YAY heh
4. just finished anat, can sleep now!!
5. more or less finished pbl, just need to print
6. we cleaned the kitchen today :)
7. just did laundry
8. ate crepes for lunch, yum!
9. it's going to be the weekend soon.

thankful for the stalwarts of
1. m yeo
2. david
3. adam (currently in the wilderness heh)
4. abby
5. nat, sharon!!
6. manyun, nandita, nic!!

n of course the pple here la, dont even need to say right :)

looking forward to
1. finishing neuro notes so i can watch gossip girl/ house/ greys in good conscience
2. poss ox trip (maybe not suggest not, not v gd time sigH)
3. having free time to bake something nice to salvage my reputation haha
4. moreee primark shopping in the near future haha
5. chai tea latte. on sunday. yes. i willlll have it!

what i will not do
1. be snarky (nah, havent been for ages. i think. well. to EVERYONE that is. ie, no double standards...)
2. fall asleep in class (hahaha)
3. over-compensate for anything
4. think about love. because the season for love is actually over, temporarily. if i think about love one more time in the next day/ week/ whatever, i might truly explode. do you get me, world? i am SICK AND TIRED of it. just accept that IT'S NOT HAPPENING FOR ME, it's a BLOODY WASTE OF TIME, and energy, and emotional capacity. it's all nice and shiny yea yea have fun they say NO IT'S NOT FUN. fun is dancing, or running your heart out. fun is not breaking your heart over and over again, remonstrating with God, the universe and everything. fun is not going round in endless circles talking about things NO ONE KNOWS coz you're TOO SCARED TO GO TO WHO YOU KNOW DOES KNOW TO ASK THEM and even when you ask them THEY MAY NOT TELL YOU THE TRUTH so i guess this is just NOT IN THE PLAN YO. im done with drama for awhile. i just want to chill, watch movies, tell funny stories. NO. CANNOT.
5. get flu. oh pleaseeeeee. dont want flu :(
6. talk too much. it's ok. i think i will be boring for awhile, rather than over-bearing, or overly cheerful, or whatever. it was fun being that for awhile, though. its time to take a break.
7. go out of my way to help people. just for awhile. because its really nice and selfless to help people nonstop but i think right now i just need to fix my life. i dont know if it will ever be fixed to be honest but i think this is self-defeating and i can't go on like this forever anyway. the center cannot hold.

and this is just a random emo thing la. it will pass. IT HAD BETTER PASS. it will. no thanks to the people helping to perpetuate my endless discussions, but thanks for always being there. let's hope i will truly be more interesting in some time to come :) love u guys. i'll be perfect starting tmr. really. loll.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

self-discipline

feeling v proud of self, discovering the old reserves of discipline... i guess i just got lazy.. BUT NOW. i can do this. why?! don't ask why just do

btw. GOOD WEATHER!!! going to take advantage of it ;p the age-old method of cleansing things you don't want, finding answers to things you don't know; facing up to things you wish you didn't know. God does work like that actually; small mercies.

edit: ran. and salsa. now feel like have been run over with truck, anat pract not done.

read m yeo's sms today. HAHAHA! <3 <3 honestly, some things never change hehhh we're sitting in the canteen and strategisingg all sorts of things, exclaiming loudly over people's doings etc. i want to visit her in ox!!! eh really michelle that was a v cute sms ;p

electrical thunderstorm, brb. no not a real one. ill explain someday. pls let that day not come soon is all i ask.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

aurgh everyone seems to be coming down with bad flu (swine flu?!) scared, but too zonked to walk to lidl's to buy vit c thingies, so have been spending (too much) $$ on orange juice. ok the fact that am crazy zonked is a bit suspect that am coming down with flu.

whatever. shall listen to bollywood music :) and chat with michelle yeo my favv junior EVERR <3

dont really want to think of the hundred ways things will go wrong...... i think that makes for a rather messed up mindset. yet, i don't wish to get horribly surprised when and if they do. my gut feeling has been completely ameliorated by gluten intolerance and sheer haze of pre-fluness. what DO i want? i want to be in the zone, catch up with my work, do things to be proud of. be there to help people, solve other people's problems, be fun to be around (as opposed to being a marvin.... like reccently.) how do i set the parameters for this?! i think i shall ignore all advice, because no one has any idea what they are talking about. good intentioned, certainly, and much appreciated. but i am the one who has to live this life, so i have to do what i have to do. just remember that fortunately or not i have never had to regret doing what i did. i think. the only problem comes when you become resentful of that. so you have to do it and still retain effervescent cheer. it -may- be hard but when it's done well it works.

PLEASE may the weather be good, i need a long hard run, many in fact, to rid my system of everything. thank You.

despite my inertia and everything i am deeply in love with neuroscience and i wish i could do it justice. and gi looks humongous, zomg zomg.

if i can pull this off will be really pleased. let everything slip off like water off a duck's back.

lol!!

x asking for advice about some camp thing "What interested you when you were 16? Apart from me of course :p"
what do i even say. be careful what you wish for.

but it's so hard, cos when one wants something, duh, one really wants something. if you don't wish for things hard then is life even worth living?!

thankfully ssc went ok, despite mad researching at random time (between running & church..). kamin da BEST hahaha. esp considering the short amount of time, really gd job dude :) AND finished edrug YAY!!

rather psychedelic mass, was in german, french, swedish & latin?! some international mass and stuff. truly interesting indeed. it reminded me of lourdes, good memories... felt light and at peace with the world after, went home, FINISHED THE VESTIBULAR SYSTEM and the epilepsy lecture!!!! huzzah! unfortunately then slept at 3am... well can't have everything...

awesome run round arthur's seat, super super exhausting but i like!! if everyday slowly run also... doubt i'd improve haha.

must catch up neuro this week before GI starts! and bake to save my reputation, lols. and the not-halloween party coming up! maybe i'll just bring the oven & go as sylvia plath... ok nono bad idea. lollllll

things are generally ok now, but i must STOP TALKING, failing that, stop talking nonsense! garghhh

Monday, October 26, 2009

IT'S THREE-THIRTY IN THE MORNING
zomgggggg

just chillax man..... honestlyyyy

3.30-9.30 (6hrs!) SLEEP
9.30-10.30 RUN!
10.30-11.30 eat, chiong to hospital for ssc meeting
11.30-1?!! ssc meeting + writeup wiki
1-2/3 lunch + do edrug
3-5 pbl
5-6 dinnerr
night: head injury, neoplasia (neuropatho 2?)
HAHA so ambitious

im sure there's a thousand things i've forgotten to account for. HONESTLY the more simple you think things are, the more complicated they are

oh yeah, hoover, laundry.
solve the world's problems
apologize for all my wrongdoings to all the various groups of people i'm accountable to
repeat, rinse, cycle

buy books before i completely lose it.

be still and know that I AM

St. Francis of Assis:"Preach the Gospel. And if Necessary, Use Words"


"This is the very perfection of a man, to find out his own imperfections." -- Saint Augustine

"Peace is simplicity of spirit, serenity of mind, tranquillity of soul, the bond of love. Peace is order, it is harmony in each one of us. It is the continual rejoicing that is born from the testimony of a good conscience. It is the holy joyfulness of the heart in wich God reigns. Peace is the way of perfection; or rather, in peace one finds perfection. And the devil, who knows this very well, makes every effort to make us lose our peace."
Padre Pio

goodness only knows how often i lose this peace. ahaha.

'Be still and know that I AM.'Psalm 45:10

cave in- owl city

Please take a long hard look through your text book'
Cause I'm history
When I strap my helmet on I'll be long gone'
Cause I've been dying to leave
Yeah, I'll ride the range and hide all my loose change
In my bedroom'
Cause riding a dirtbike down a turnpike
Always takes it's toll on me
I've had just about enough
Of quote, "diamonds in the rough"
Because my backbone is paper thin
Get me out of this cavern
Or I'll cave in
If the bombs go off
The sun will still be shining
Because we've heard it said that every mushroom cloud
Has a silver lining
(Though I'm always undermining too deep to know)
Swallow a drop of gravel and blacktop'
Cause the road tastes like wintergreen
The wind and the rain smell of oil and octane
Mixed with stale gasoline
I'll soak up the sound trying to sleep on the wet ground
I'll get ten minutes give-or-take'
Cause I just don't foresee myself getting drowsy
When cold integrity keeps me wide awake
Get me out of this cavern
Or I'll cave in
I'll keep my helmet on just in case my head caves in'
Cause if my thoughts collapse or my framework snaps
It'll make a mess like you wouldn't believe
Tie my handlebars to the stars so I stay on track
And if my intentions stray I'll wrench them away
Then I'll take my leave and I won't even look back
I won't even look back

love love love this song! b sent me actually for edrug encouragement, fireflies i think. but has been appropriated for other purposes

walking the luminous paths at night i felt crazily at peace, exactly exactly like slipping past the glass walls of the national library with the city lights in the distance; reading robin mc kinley's sunshine with my chemistry notes underneath; jack johnson in my ears, doing weird things with abby adam zy nat? i havent thought about that memory for some time now... i know those times were fraught with distress and worry over where i'd end up, who would think now im here, i look back fondly on them.. sitting alone in the garden on the fifth floor with ants and bio. peanut pancake sojourns to bugis. getting a swift lift home everyday at nine, the pure white tables, the soft carpet, the seemingly endless means of distraction in the basement.

owl city seems so perfect to remind me of the inherent loveliness in those times.

have gluten intolerance which is A BUMMER becos the muesli i am allergic? to is VERY YUMMY. grrr. anyone want to buy it off me/ just relieve me of it coz eating it is like self torture. i like cereal but am not SO masochistic. so. my gut feels like it's been put through a washing machine. i guess that gives a rather good indication of my gut feeling huh?! heh d this reminds me of windsurfing.

d also says i'm a fool but hey, what's one to do. sorry ahaha. thanks for the input guys i really appreciate it. but its honestly like windsurfing, and. i can't windsurf. but im all for a&e. ok this will make no sense to anyone but that's cool ;p

Sunday, October 25, 2009

I'm learning to fall
I can't hardly breathe
When I'm going down don't worry about me
it's really strange how emotions work, i never thought i would be so weak. i really have to get it together. BUT HOW?!!!

if someone can tell me where to get superhuman strength, endless motivation

once upon a time i was lost and all alone
- from main aur something something. really nice song!!

ok bopping along

but gosh sometimes your greatest enemy is yourself/ cereal in the cupboards/ stomachaches. PS: WORLD, I'M REALLY SICK OF GETTING STOMACHACHES. thank you.

really nice birthday :)

NOW REALLY NEED TO GET TO WORK aurghh. no going out the whole of next week ><

but it was superr awesome :) love u guys

Saturday, October 24, 2009

arghhh prob shouldnt have eaten that cookie, have stomachache now... seriously suspect i have gluten intolerance argh. well it was yummy :)

anyway random quote, i like

"Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may obtain it. And everyone who competes for the prize is temperate in all things. Now they do it to obtain a perishable crown, but we for an imperishable crown." -1 Cor 9: 24-25, NKJV
wonder if wilful ignorance, or refusing to believe, exonerates me?! well obviously not when you put it like that, but... it's really strange when things aren't as you think they are. how is one supposed to know when they are what they are, and when they aren't?!!

supposed to be at cf now doing bible study but instead watching gossip girl and eating j's cookie... oops. tireD from two hours of badminton. supposed to be doing cranial nerves (which are NEVERENDING) but instead... well yeah.

depending on the time differences i'm also kinda one year older than before, aurghhh really scary actually. but it's been a good year! and it's also one that's been spent as a medical student :):) so even though that included lots of slacking off, watching tv on my laptop, etc, it also involved lots of cool stuff eg rowing in france, peering at brains, watching drunk antics, getting inexplicably high myself, attending endless birthday celebrations, running during snowfall, getting picked up by random italian sounding guys while challenging jensen and ben to a cycling competition (bad idea).

going to celebrate my bday by... giving up on the vestibular system and SLEEPING. hahaha. but running around arthur's seat tomorrow and glasgow after :) :)

and - to the subjects of my poems.... just want to say thank you for making me who i am, and i hope one day i can show them to the people they were written for. perhaps. perhaps that is truly why i write them. and thank you for all the inexplicable happiness inflicted upon me; thank you for the endless dramas and daytime soap operas that has happily been a feature of my life thus far.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

chris daughtry :)

need to learn discretion haish... i just want everyone and everything to be happy but sometimes... doing nothing beats doing something.

on that note...
finish hearing thing
read up a bit for icp
icp
run :) :)
make dinnerrr
nadia's bday thing

friday
lect
pbl
meadows againn
badminton!!
attempt futilely to do more work, possibly the epilepsy and gait and cerebellum stuffs
pccf
skype!

sat
glasgow
neuroradiology
finish brainstem (coz i bet i wont be done with it..)

sun
church
neuropathology
ssc stuff

aurgHHH

oh mon:
lect, ssc meeting in RIE, ssc effectiveness group meeting to write up our part of the wiki thereafter...

i believe in doing unto others only what you want to be done unto yourself. but i don't know what HAS been done to me and the circumstances are different... the hardest part is doing nothing really. and my natural tendancy when faced with difficult situations is: confront, confess, apologize, hope everything works out. ERMMMM well this has met with varying efficacy over the... years of controlled trials ;p

everything aside i would like to check back in more often; i would like the feeling of eating ben & jerrys without actually eating ben & jerry's.. would like to be a lean mean studying machine and not a 24/7 inert bed throw. would like to sort out my thoughts sufficienctly to be able to sit down, well kneel actually but anywayy.. and make some succint, logical, reasonable sequence of prayers to God. all i seem to be able to do lately is "God please help everything be ok thank you very much." i'm sure the sentiment counts but you know... so many specific things to pray for, but so many road blocks. like was discussing with x yesterday, when you pray for things you know you're not supposed to pray for... it just doesn't work out and you kinda know that nah, that's not gonna happen. maybe i shouldn't give the exact examples here huh ;p but like for instance everyone knows you can't/ shouldnt pray for something bad to happen to others etc... it's far more benign and frivolous than that ahaha, but yeah.

so long of praying for this and constantly getting it whacked back in my face...... i literally don't dare to pray for it anymore.. anyway it doesn't really bother me -that- much just that i think perhaps i should be more specific. eg. God please help me finish the vertigo notes in the next hour before i have to go off for icp!! Love, Me.

the small things

gahhhh will this work out. scaredd. cool, very very cool. but apprehensive, hahA super spur of the moment. i will do what i can and pray it works out. much to think about, big boots to fill. they were verY nice about it, i have to say. will it?! haha. coffee from library bar really helped, thank u..

salsa is getting complicated, i like!! i like the break free and wrap step, i'm definitely better at it than left turns... have to thank the uber pro la of course..

haha no idea how to organize this jazz thing, first thought was of a hahaha but of course no way huh. well i'll just stick with what i can and know and.... hope all goes well!!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

i just want to say i don't even know how i found it

but i am inspired by this translucent thing that has fallen my way.

knew that what i was going to do would be hard. it's just that i don't even want to contemplate the alternative. i like things this way, i don't want it to change!! but even the slightest thing can derail it so effectively... well maybe it wasn't a slight thing, but. why are my plans so easily diverted?! the interesting thing is i'll think for awhile that there's no way i can ever catch up, and then suddenly it seems ok, and then....

usually everything gets sorted but then i get superbly tired and come back and just zonkk out. -_-
had a surprisingly good study time last night (best since quite awhile..) randomly when going to print pbl... j and w were in library as well. haha its nice meeting people.

so since this place is to record HAPPY THINGS not to angst...

1. lunch at yumyum! haha good catching up and all
2. finally settled electricity bills etc and some errands hanging over my head
3. 40min run at meadows after pbl :)
4. salmon & dill for dinner (dont need to worry that it's going to spoil...)
5. came back konked out and v refreshed now!
6. phone call to nat who was v lovely and helpful <3 <3!!

7. coffee before pbl!! extremely useful thank you :D

there is more to say, but... too sleepy and too many lectures to read up and too many things i've gotta do in the next few days.

i'm still grateful for everything, even if i don't show it. must must jiayou. and cliche but - i think all this is really for a reason. and if not, i must help turn it to good. that's all i know for now. nothing is set in stone, it's just how you ask. my secondary school life is solidifying into poetry, my imaginary love lifes are turning into myth. i like it this way, dusty, not real and in front of me. little things that just are and that dont have to be thought about.

Monday, October 19, 2009

im sitting in a rather sanitised computer lab, in a attempt to not get distracted by the rolling green expanse of the meadows. chai tea latte; marshmallows; bbc sandwich and cappuchino from the corner coffee stand make for a goood day :)

on course now. because i was originally blown off course, and luckily, this blew me off that wrong course... onto the right path. er. i think.

its funny how the good things in life are always worse than you thought, and the worse things i life are always better than you thought. although i dont know if i will ever find an answer for -that-, perhaps it's just due to entropy. whyy is meningitis so complicated?!
air-freshener conversations ;p + chat with flatmates over baileys ahahaha i didnt have any dont worry guys... it was a nice end to the maddest week eveR

but i learnt a lot, i really did. so that's good. it was not worth it at all, i would rather still be trapped in my boring stale lovelorn state, and have not known all these things, but i think it was inevitable. and reccently, i feel really strong running through the meadows, sprinting down green lengths of field. except when i meet the dogs. isn't this such a good parallel to life.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

ok reading back some msn convos... i think its just a series of unfortunate events.

interestingly, in one, i said "i think the only one who's happy 24/7 is me", haha, dont ever say that guys... irony.

gah really ate too many pancakes. heh they were awesome though.

reccently a lot of things have been bittersweet, ie, funny despite something, something to treasure despite a whole lot of baggage. even though i know __________, well, kinda, actually, i dont know, but will think about this another time, its getting pretty rare for pple i care about to be nice to me so it means a lot. it really does.

i dont think it could have not, under any circumstances, actually :)

Saturday, October 17, 2009

HAHA i swear, i didnt say anything. i just said im very very emotionally tired. and g was like DID SOMEONE BREAK YOUR HEART (btw, really no such thing ok.. if anything it's chronic not acute anyways...)
me: nono no such thing
him: tell me, i'm like yer big brother! me and kyong, we'll beat him up!
me: nono no one to beat up!!

so cute hahaha. well erm funny thing to say thank you for but yknow today everything funny meant 101x more than any other day.

actually i knew today would be tiring for many reasons. so not too unexpected huh. but turned out ok. :)

i dont know what to say, it all seems so cliched. its doubly depressing that i dont have my usual sources to run to, you have no idea. and the best thing is, when i came home, SITUATION, yelling at, having to explain..
as far as events and drama go, its really exciting

and rationally, i know i'm still at a good place. it could be so much worse right. there are those brilliant moments when someone says something really funny and stuff. omg matthew's right hand thing in bible study!! hahah. lots of stuff yknow. and puns, gosh, i dont know why they keep me alive but they do.

but...... it's really like being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

there's a lot of stuff i can do, lots of people i could possibly reach out to, funny things to say, things to do to brighten up someone's day, be my usual self, etc. but i have no strength left. it's no longer that i can do what i have to do or whatever. that may have been emotionally wrecking but deeds can be done. i'm just totally exhausted after all this... second-guessing, justifying, trying so hard to be nice when i didnt mean it, because i knew, i THOUGHT i knew, i hope so for goodness's sake!! that everything is going to be ok. IT'S SO TIRING.

i need to drag myself to do a lot of stuff. sort out errands. but i just want to sleep in, wake up late, eat yummy cereal with organic soya milk, watch gossip girl, gossip with flatmates about innocuous things, laugh at the quirks of interesting people without meaning badly, or having it reflect badly on me and my character, trace the pathways nerves take through the spinal cord into the brain, think about how different parts of the brain control every little action like how we walk, talk, remember things.

well i do want to do those things but it's the attitude of zen-ness, of passivity about it that appeals now. anyway. the thing is i really need a break from all this. but i need to face it a while longer too. erm. is God telling me something here? i can't stop myself from being accusatory, confrontational. it's the small things i do that belies my annoyance. i'm feeling all the wrong emotions, plus really real exhaustion. i just need to sleep. but i need to get it all out too.

thanks to those who have helped in one way or another, really. sorry to those i might have said inappropriate things to, shown tiredness or impatience or a bad side of me you might not have seen before, etc. there are some good things, i think its also made me learn how to hang on through the bad times, how to put things aside and have a good time for awhile, and i've actually in the sheer need for positive human contact (apart from flatmates, who have been really really nice and supportive etc) reached out and got to know some people better, in a way i wouldnt have had ordinarily in my comfort zone.

do we deserve this? probably not. is it dumb and stupid. YES. can we go back. HOW DID IT COME TO THIS STAGE?! i just know, we have to fix it. waiting around is not gonna solve it.

i keep telling myself i must be cheerful! etc! but it's so hard, when you far from feel it. and maybe for the first week (the one that's just passed) i could do it sometimes. but now, physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted.... i just want a break from it all. not a break as in lets ignore each other etc, just... a break from this stupidity. yes. that would be nice.

well... will just go sleep now. maybe tomorrow will be better :) if weather is good, cell fellowship, & pancakes? please, may the sun come out tomorrow. i'm sorry for what i have done and failed to do. i would try and make amends, but i'm totally burnt out.

to do this weekend
- pbl (finished! well duh no choice)
- ssc (finishedd)
- cranial nerves (finished halfway... =p)
- epilepsy
- gait

kinda looking forward to getting in the zone. and now my room is - pristine- coz tidied up just now. and chopping things just now n chatting to r was quite fun actually :) :) and nice chats on way back.

Friday, October 16, 2009

cranberry white chocolate muffins

now i know why sylvia plath put her head in the oven.

BLAH.

lol the whole shebang is hilarious though. off to write poems about muffins, folks.
i think i can publish a book already. the main themes will be: space, muffins, bus-stops, winter.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

2am again

rather interesting day. finally finished csf (quite sick of it by now...) and rushing anat now, what's new...

was literally dragging self to csu midweek meal just now, but i'm really glad i went. went after gym so my legs were like JELLY, was dark and stuff so erm yknow random angst (i refuse to say its sorted anymore, i guess it is but i thought so LAST NIGHT too.....) anyway yes that definitely counts as a rather depressing walk... plus cobblestones etcc... finally made it there, and things started looking up, haha. it was a good idea to go :) it really was. i was much much happier and saner after that and i think its no coincidence :) also coz cool conversation with cool people, and it was really nice catching up with n as well after!! hahaha. didnt want to stopp but anat and stuff.

d is v cool.
on the issue - you want me to beat him up for you? HAHA.
on my poetry - it's lovely

WOW thanks!! :) :) hey at least something good came out of it... oh yea ive clean forgotten about you know what too. it just pales in comparison. why why why must i always go through funny things just to forget these things?! i remember making the emergency call to x and knowing that as i tried to remember the number i'd deleted that things were finally shifting once and for all. it shifted for the best.... but what's worth it right?

well poetry makes it worth it so i hope i've written some good ones.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

i dont think i want this anymore

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

stop and stare

heard this song in the car on the way to retreat

really really like it

steady feet don't fail me now
i'm going to run til you can't walk (well thats abit creepy)

i think i'm moving but i go nowhere
and i know that everyone gets scared

too easy
autumn winds turn again, and the days are worn and start to fade


I KNOW WHAT I MUST DO.

i must do my pbl.

hahaha jkjk. i mean i do have to... but. yea. i'm gonna dredge out some stuff from my memory, and work from there. there is no choice. well, there is one other choice, but.... let's not even go there. gosh, and i thought that was my biggest problem. compared to this, that is like cotton candy and happyland.

cos its worth it. it's incredibly stupid, and maybe, hopefully not, dissappointing. but i think im safe, because of where i'm coming from, what makes me do this, and the nature of things in general. its a really good lesson, and i couldnt have expected things always to be shiny and happy. it may not yield any good result. but on my part, if i do the best i can, no matter how it hurts, or whatever, no matter how malu it is, i have nothing to regret. and reccently i have done plenty to regret.

so. im putting aside all volcanoes in favor of cupcakes. well metaphorical ones til i actually buy the stuff for it.

raindrops on roses...
hah now its more like
raindrops keep falling on my head...

Monday, October 12, 2009

thank you God for poetry

http://famouspoetsandpoems.com/poets/pablo_neruda/poems/15736 - ode to a tomato
check out also - ode to an onion, ode to a large tuna in the market, ode to a chestnut on the ground

pure, fantastic, loveliness.

im screweddd with work tho. ahahaha. thank you God for nice people, i pray i never lose my God and i never lose it either.

prayers

some nice prayers i found, see the internet is a good thing after all ;p thought i would share, and keep it where i can see it

God, Please Forgive Me By C. Welton Gaddy
God, forgive my incompleteness: not growing in Christ, not expanding my knowledge of the Scriptures, not developing all my talents.

God, forgive my disinterest: a lack of concern for needs around me, apathy regarding the lostness of millions, blindness to hurts I could help heal.

God, forgive my dishonesty: taking, the easy way rather than the right way, speaking in one manner while living in another, silencing truth to preserve tranquility, settling for less than what is best, loving tradition more than obeying your pioneering Spirit.

God, forgive my loudness: talking when I should be listening, proclaiming when I should be studying, busying myself with new tasks when I should be finding a quiet place to rest.

God, forgive my silence: feeling love and failing to whisper it, reeling with joy and not shouting hallelujah, knowing truth and forfeiting an opportunity to share it, sensing a need to share my faith and squelching the impulse.

God, please forgive me.

Prayer Attributed to Harry Bullis
Oh God, I ask not for easier tasks.
I ask for stronger aptitudes and greater talents to meet any tasks which may come my way.
Help me to help others so that their lives may be made easier and happier.
Strengthen my confidence in my fellow men in spite of what they may do or say.
Give me strength to live according to the Golden Rule, enthusiasm to inspire those around me,
sympathy to help lighten the burdens of those who suffer,
and a spirit of joy and gladness to share with others.

Prayer At Time Of Adversity
An Inuit Indian Prayer
I think over again my small adventures.
My fears,
Those small ones that seemed so big,
For all the vital things
I had to get and reach.
And yet there is only one great thing,
The only thing,
To live to see the great day that dawns
And the light that fills the world.


Dear Lord,
I need you now because I am full of stress and anxiety. Reading your Word brings comfort, as I ask you to come and take my heavy burdens. I take each burden, one by one, and lay them at your feet. Please carry them for me so that I don't have to. Replace them with your humble and gentle yoke so that I will find rest for my soul today. I receive your gift of peace of mind and heart. Thank you that I can lie down tonight in peace and sleep. I know that you, Lord, will keep me safe. I am not afraid because you are always with me. Please keep me daily, Lord, in your perfect peace. Amen
____________________________________
so for now...
"I will lie down in peace and sleep, for you alone, O LORD, will keep me safe." Psalm 4:8
to x. i am happy you did not give me a chance all those years back, contrary to what you were telling me the other day, that you probably should've. because i believe in love, the fairytale kind of love, and if you did not want to ride up on a white horse but instead skulk up on a goat then i think that doesnt cut it, and i thank you profoundly with all my heart.

i'm going to try my utmost best to make tomorrow a better day. even if everyone skulks at me, glowers at me, even if i wake up five minutes before class or miss the bus, i'm going to make it through without losing it or being pissy to anyone, or unloading all my troubles or dirty laundry on anyone, coz they dont deserve it. i dont know where they will go, but i'll figure it out by tomorrow.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

really nice chat with charis after raya today!! location of my flat is sometimes suchh a blessing really. and thankss to my trusty chai tea haha. im glad i met her today :)

Saturday, October 10, 2009

there's a stephen fry letter he was nice enough to write to one of his fans
something like, the sun will come out one day

oh yes, i rmbed some stuff from cf last night. james was saying something like, when miracles happen, like my keys!! haha, your faith will increase, i mean not to put a number on it or anything but it really like WHOOSH goes up. then you pray somemore, and nothing happens.. then it goes down again. back, forth, back forth. hahah. and i was thinking to myself, i'm really easily pleased lol. but it's actually very true. it's human too la.

you know when the sun comes out it can actually be pretty cold.
but happy things - I MADE ONDEH ONDEH!!!!! a lot a lot of it!!

i'm going to
1) buy a muffin pan and make muffins
2) make almond cherry biscotti, and chocolate chip biscotti :):)
3) BUY A BOOK BEFORE I COMPLETELY GO MAD. anyway i have birthday money which seems to be increasing ;p so good. im sure they would prefer my sanity anyways.
4) go running in meadows
5) i cant actually think of any other happy things, life is really really sucky atm
6) oh, find out how to make popiah
7) make cherry pie (getting ambitious here.....)
8) fail all my exams, whats newwww
9) bum around watching online tv woots
must write down random things i've learnt lol, cos it's soo easy to forget.
... oh i think i've forgotten them already... but anyway bible study was really good today :) hahaha.

it's so nerve wracking actually, checking back in. esp when it doesnt occur too often. its good though, so i dont wander too far off.. i think last year, i was too paranoid, this year, i'm too chillax about everything. walk back after bible study at 11pm to help a make ondeh ondeh? no probs. i didnt actually help much though, just gawk. haha.

i think... i dont know what to think. is it too much to ask?! yes, evidently. despite this and that, i really did try. and it has helped... some other areas. but it stands that.... i dont know how la. i just wish things were the way i want it to be, pure and simple. but it cant just be like that!! need to learn discretion. its 3am. i just need to learn to sleep earlier. im meant to learn something, from old and new debacles, right? how long will it be before i can say, ohhh, it's like that? gah.

Friday, October 9, 2009

really really crappy day

on the bright side going for the emsa raya thing tomorrow, with luck there's ash's muah chee/ ondeh-ondeh? to look forward to hahah

been increasingly and insiduously pms-y and snipey and bitchy alll week, guys i swear im not always like this!! but it just came on so gradually and naturally i didnt even know what i was doing... now ive offended practically everyone in a variety of ways (except, hopefully, my flatmates..). and the more i apologize the more nuts i look AURGH well cant really be bothered. (it does bother me)

cramps never put me in a good state of mind. sorry world. i'll figure something out. i probably shouldnt talk to anyone for awhile just yet until all this passes. it's not anything much, just yknow pms. and a lot of associated things. gosh this is like a truth serum. i think once ive finished this horrific spate of photocopying i'll go home, drink coffee and watch gossip girl.

oh, on that note, i think there are definitely some sentiments that hold water, just that its been all working together towards a bigger picture, and now's never the best time to express things.

i was having some issues with gossip reccently and i guess i should really stop. i dont thinkk im like an extremely malicious gossiper or anything, its just really like light hearted and nothing bad intended. but yes it's really not good. at all. it seems like nothing but like in the screwtape letters, it's the insiduous things that make sucha big difference?

and i need to compartmentalize things properly. some things need to be sealed up and put in storage, forever. just sometimes the defenses come down and i feel its the right time to say things, but often.. it ISNT. can i go back in time and zip my mouth up. can i go back to sec three and four and not act as the conduit of information i shouldnt have given? died and nic and gang told me so so so many times, and i thought yes, good advice, good thing i know now what i must not do. but TIME AND TIME AGAIN, it just happens. one has to USE JUDGEMENT.

if one wants respect one must earn the respect. i haven't been worthy of that lately. but it's so hard to find the balance :( and i think i was trying not to talk of some other things.

on an interesting note d admitted himself to the sleep ward?!!! cos he has a deviated septum?! LOL. i swearrrrr. he told me this just as i was doing research on sleepiness (narcolepsy) for my ssc, and feeling very, very sleepy....
i should just ask him to video himself, OMG SKYPE WITH HIM, and then use that for ssc huh ;p
jkjk. should not take advantage of pple's situations hahaha. eh i hope it will be ok. it will be.

there is a modicum of respect everyone needs for themself.
omg the person next to me is crying !!

a note from the universe

Yeah, I know it sounds like a good idea to the new-agers, god squads, and holy rollers to turn all things over to "the Universe." But I'm a little concerned that something important has been lost in translation. eli, how 'bout you just turn over the "hows" to me, and have yourself a little field day with the "all things" part?
Hope I got to you before they did - The Universe


I mean, here I am thinking I've turned over all things to them, eli, and there they are thinking they've turned over all things to me... No wonder they think I move in mysterious ways....

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

youtube doesnt workk today why?! honestly i am so sick of all this. anyway rushed back to be efficient but just bumming around now zzzzzzzz. i haaave to study now cos going salsa later BUT im not why?!! :(

we think we can bear these crosses but we cant. im ok, really i am, but that's only because my senses are so dulled nothing seems to matter. on another note i had fishcake noodles for lunch, it was nice yay
its 1am, and i've not done any work :( jazz today was really really nice. i know now, what i want in my life. all i want is to dance and medicine. give me those two things and i couldnt ask for more. ok, maybe poetry, and the meaning of life, but these things come from either great happiness, or great sadness, so i think, for now, it's fine.

every day i let go of one balloon string, or throw off one weight from my hot air balloon. i can't say, it doesn't hurt when things dont go as expected, like the universe is doing it on purpose? i can't say, it doesn't feel weird when it seems like i'm the only one on some mad path; half the time it's hilarious but the other half it's like, why can't i be boring and conventional, some things are worth it. debate is so last century, it seems sometimes. yes, discussing helps, but u forget it all eventually. all the debating in the world helps no one, and merely makes you feel smart temporarily, as you present a fantastic argument and sound really eloquent to yourself.

i will never mention this and it's ilk again. COMPLETE EMBARGO. (edit: phail la as usual)
i give up on the cerebellum. nights.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

i dont think i deal with ANYTHING well.
had a really interesting skype convo with d just now, im really glad that i understood some stuff much better :) his help has always helped, except when it comes to mugging chinese perhaps hahaha ok jk really sometimes i think he's heaven sent & i wish i could be a more helpful friend, i think i'm severely unhelpful most of the time. but i owe u one hundred. loll.

interestingly, i think im randomly (ok not so random) cheered up, i dont know, like the sky cleared. i hope it stays clear always. i dont know. but i do know i spent a lot of time today thinking and talking (AND NOT ENOUGH TIME ON ANAT..). it's like a porticulis has been on me all this while and it lifted for a bit.

i think its cos my flu finally up and left. HAHA. no its more than that. but ive felt this way 10000 times and the latent virus keeps on hitting me SO. i just want to be free. but no one is ever always free, right?

oh yea, on the darned 1.5kg of minced pork i bought: it's almost all gone!! only like er 15 meatballs left and 750g (the other packet) in the freezer. i made the meatballs with black bean sauce and wrapped them in lettuce (version of the wrapping beef in cabbage?? thing? is that korean/ thai?). and it was VVV YUMMY! and my chai tea never seems to run out. yay for chai tea :)

Sunday, October 4, 2009

but sometimes when you have to go to such extremes

i guess God doesn't mean this for me, huh? not in the life plan or whatever.
it feels like running through slowly hardening concrete, so i get the picture
i trust you and put it in your hands
- me.
salsa is fun :)

i need strength and willpower. i need understanding.
i read some of maeve binchy's lilac bus in transit on the way here and i liked it alot.

cf evening was funn my flatmates (as in, alll of us hehe) and i made brownies plus some rather interesting meatballs. the brownies were finished v quickly, yay!! but the best thing is when we came back we realised we had somemore that got squashed when we were trying to take them off the pan so yaY. the vid was vv funny!!

was talking to b, she's settling down nicely in aberdeen :) and i realised how lucky i am to have a friend like j (tho he doesnt read this......) anyway thanks & sorry if i ever suan u etc hahaha.

salsa in lib was HILARIOUS, LOL.