About Me

Monday, November 30, 2009

sometimes, i feel like i'm doing lots of good. but generally speaking, i strongly suspect i do more harm than good. uh, my intentions are pure, does that count? sometimes, things just seem harder than usual, and it takes everything you've got just to put one foot in front of the other.

it feels like stretching out the day to two am because you haven't done enough to call it a day (literally.) it feels like every kind thing you do is unimportant or unappreciated. it feels like you still aren't a good enough human being, cos there's always someone else more giving, more able? less able to do stuff, but still does it anyway. and all you can do is sit here and sulk about something that happened so long ago now, but still troubles you from time to time. GO AWAY, dark cloud. but it's a fact lah. acceptance comes and goes. but now and then i am reminded of how many more things i could do if things had gone the way i wanted. and why am i now having to be selfish. and then actually - you dont have to be selfish right? yup, why not just throw everything away totally. that's selfish in another way, to other people right?

i do my best but it's not, never will be enough. my kindnesses are limited by time, by the demands of what i must do, my cheer is insufficient to lift anyone out of depression (and trust me when i say, there seem to be lots of people in it), all i seem to do is want want want.

i don't want anything.

except to continue down this path. of temptation and self-doubt and urgency and guilt, and to make it through eventually.

everyone has their own battles to fight. this may? be making me stronger, i don't know. i just hope i've managed to help some people, in some way, somewhere, somehow. and that i may continue to do so.
balance is the hardest thing in life

Saturday, November 28, 2009

this is for someone who

will not read this. so if you are reading this, it is not you.

i know that it will never happen. but what you gave me is the best gift anyone could have ever given. you have unwittingly given me my life and every happiness i have ever wished for. for this, i owe more to you than any soul on this earth, except perhaps my parents who have made the final step possible. but without you, no amount of material accquisition in the world would have allowed this.

so i thank you for existing, and being there at the right time. and for your memory which pops up every now and then like flowers after the rain. my only hope is that one day in some way i will be able to repay my debt. be it tangibly (unlikely) or not.

and to those who might be reading this (a rather small number of people), it literally isn't anyone you think it is. :)
perhaps should skip nutrition & go with my gut feeling during the exam. ;p ok. NOT FUNNY. i hate studying. although i only started fifteen minutes ago.

now looking at summer sch lit courses, apparently NEIL GAIMAN, who is my hero forever and ever, taught a masterclass last summer here in edin?! KILL ME NOW. oh well even if he teaches this year as well (unlikely) i'd be back in august. my ticket is for 31st july. AURGHHH. oh well. i can't write fiction anyway and definitely not fantasy novels. best not to let my deficits get in the way of unadulterated hero worship lol

i'm really glad i went for bible study last night. STARDUST & the girls <3. and i have to say i really missed colin & matthew's chemistry too hahahaha. both of them are really too cute. reminds me of adam & rayner.

Friday, November 27, 2009

will definitely take this down soon

and i dont really let all this shit affect me anymore, thankful for that. and i know i mistook it for weird stuff. but what it is is intangible oddness, like a blip in the universe. like... a wrinkle in time.

i dont know what i'm more scared of, that i will not forgive, or that you will not forgive.

hmmm.. like i said, so many things to do nowadays i dont really think about it. but it still stings on the odd occasion i do, or i am forced to face the unpleasant reality. i think because my coping mechanisms are too good, eventually the hole in my life would just close over forever. because one cannot face this kind of thing in a dignified manner for an extended period of time so you utterly forget about it and pretend you dont care. the only way not to care is not to care, if you know what i mean. the thing is i dont want not to care!!

oh get over it already, you cant save everyone. the thing is, i always could, to some extent, in some way i think. i dont think ive ever been completely unable to rescue any situation EVER. as in. eveR. ok, maybe one, but that was between me and the world & no one else required saving. anyway, that had a happy ending. a few happy endings actually. this actually involves Other People.

but anyway if anything it is an interesting exercise in thinking about how one relates to people, real and constructed ways of being happy; manifestations of that happiness, ways of coping with unhappiness. accepting things, drawing lines, thinking before you speak, learning to be interesting again (think i definitely took this for granted & stopped consciously trying to be interesting coz i just assumed people found me interesting. hahaha. im sure they do to some extent ;p though now im just more aware of it i guess. subset of not letting one's guard down, in a positive way?)

this might not be conventional happiness per se? or not what i would have thought if previously consulted. but crazily enough, maybe anaesthesized by too much greys... i found myself being really really happy. maybe the trick is to run or do something oxygen pumping to flood yourself with endorphins. that sounds masochistic or escapist but seriously guys, it makes you crazy happy. ok now i really sound mad. HAHA. and i dont know, reccently been getting to know lots of random pple better, i really like that! i enjoy getting to know someone as a person, having random conversations with them when previously you'd just pass them by knowing they were in your class etc. it makes everything so much more humane. true i sometimes like lonely libraries at night etc, just because. but its also reminiscent of studying for a's and random angels :)

im now on a poem a day. must be really stressed. haha. but happy-stressed

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

crazy sunny and crazy cold -_-


pretty pic!
~
Take a breath
I pull myself together
Just another step until I reach the door

~
the weather is really horrible today!!
i can trace back the exact time i used to say "i'm losing it" and nothing has changed.

sometimes it feels like everyone got the manual to life except me
this is a bit psychedelic but i kinda like it.

heh

Monday, November 23, 2009

wordsworth

Thanks to the human heart by which we live,
Thanks to its tenderness, its joys, and fears,
To me the meanest flower that blows can give
Thoughts that do often lie too deep for tears.

~
wanted to put some stoppard here from r&g, but accidentally closed window
oh well

kuch khaas from the movie fashion :)

*very muffled phone conversation*
kamin: my internet is down, i cant even watch hrithik roshnan! (I SWEAR he said hrithik roshnan hahahaha)
me: *not hearing properly* KAMIN I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE WATCHING MOVIES & NOT DOING SSC!!
kamin: huh?? i said my internet was down.......
me: OH!!! sorry

hahaha

WHY SO MUCH WORK.
1- 1.30 format & send crit app to self etc
1.30-2 do ssc wiki stuffs, pack bag, SLEEP

btw k did an excellent job with crit app. YAY!!

& i think that God is protecting me from the ugly truth in the best way possible :) i must not regress! all that was for some reason. it doesn't feed into each other or whatever, it happens in a linear fashion. that even the best explaination that one can come up with is this half-accomodating thing which is not what i want means a great deal. as much as i would like xyz, i think the events of since forever must have shown concretely that that is impossible. no matter how often (not often) you begin to think maybe, it is not, it is not. sucks but you just gotta deal with it. i just know that i have to fight my mind that sometimes likes to backslide & undo all the logical conclusions forged by time, what i know and feel, all my epiphanies, what i think God tells me. haha haven't actually talked about this for some time now. dont worry, i won't go backwards. will just be glad it turned out ok, looking back is sucha pillar of salt thing >< and actually come to think of it there is an undercurrent of that isn't it? was blocked by some other things for awhile but no matter what you know that that is impossible, that there is this diffuse & slightly intangible sense of trying to work round this strangeness you shouldn't know why but you know exactly why. oops.

so for good or bad, related or not, either i or the mercy of God has managed to eradicate to some extent the weirdnessess of things. and also at the same time, devest it of all emotion and meaning, like coring an apple. i can't say i miss it. upon having my energies poured into other directions i have to say i realised how dumb it all was. but it was iridiscent, translucent, pretty in a kind of way. kind of like garden gnomes, the sound that wind chimes makes, like reading a walt whitman poem. didn't mean very much on hindsight but it makes you feel very happy half the time.

and as for other things - i think that honesty really is the best. happy or not is not really the point, surviving, and stuff is better. :) so yeah. i wont lie & say this is fantastic but truth is that there's alot to do so just somehow get through the to do list hope you actually do get thru it & stuff. there are cool things interspersed in all of this so that's really nice. like mass w/ g, n, e :) and lunch after, and a really really edifying run. felt like i was running away from everything, of course i wasn't. did some ssc stuff after that too. & still on it, ugh. stress has made me finish lots of biochem reccently. so. that's good. & sam's v nice banana cake. & random flatmate chats. :)

Sunday, November 22, 2009

powering thru pbl, thinking about what books to buy, apple & blueberry oatmeal :) feeling strangely at peace now. heh. tomorrow - church with gill then lunch at my place after.

dinners for the week (to remind self)
i think have enough for
pastrami for one night
tuna for 3-4 nights?! 3 cans at least. going to attempt to make the assam brand chilli tuna thing. no idea how but er will figure it out.
think im pretty much sorted, oh yeah, bought tofu for mapo tofu, 1-2 nights?

Saturday, November 21, 2009

hey guys, hahaha so touched, dont have to worry about me :) i didn't mean exactly that, is actually some other stuff, but is nice that people do care nevertheless :) anyway need to be stressed coz if too chill will just fail exams. well i might still fail this way but at least i attempted to stress myself out about it, can't say i didn't try...

watched lots of grey's just now, all is right with the world now...

haha weekend stuff (USUAL -_-)
saturday
3-9.30 sleep
9.30 - noon? return lib book, finish writing out nitrogen metabolism, pbl. lung cancer CALS.
run?
endpoint of oxidation, add references to ssc stuff
night - cerebral infarction CAL!

sunday
CHURCH. be there on time!!
starbucks :) (can bring laptop & do drugs lectures there, haha..)
saliva, pancreas lectures

monday
ssc
do random lecture on lower oesophageal sphincter, print pbl
gym after?

the interesting thing is that life is either too stressful (drama) or boring, alternately. but anyway, not really the time to philosophize. maybe there never is any such time. i can't figure out if we do things to make ourselves happy or if we do them because we're happy. and then, if you do something to make happiness and it doesn't deliver, then how? and how come people can just go on doing those things. (sorry. is really random) maybe mad raves and drinking & stuff is really the ticket to eternal bliss huh. i wouldn't know. personally i like the ephemeral prospect of it more than the actual implementation, as everyone who knows me will well know.

or it could be, that -happiness- keeps getting delayed, or is rather short-lived before the next quest. life is like playing some massively multiplayer online role playing game haha. better late than never though ;p this year i will bake stollen, really. and deliver random baked goods to those who have been so so kind as to endure all my drama. haha even if i haven't really learnt much neuro at least im learning how to bake muffins and random desserts. or maybe we are all happy in the here and now, just that it is subsumed amongst random things. that compared to baseline it does mean something, just that in light of other sobering or stress inducing things it would be criminal to be blithely happy, how can anyone?! i think this is it. could i go back and throw some fairy dust on my past? few years, few weeks, few days ago.

most things are :) except doing laundry, ughh

rambling

lots of rainbows, near-misses, lucky saves. thanking God constantly, then new stuff crops up, etc. not dying of depression heh life is just really rollercoasterish. ok lah. not really that drama either. its the kinda small things that do affect the humdrum normality of things, that do stand in the way but its not like really bad. but of course things sometimes threaten and you get scared blahblah. it was not a week i was looking forward to for many reasons. i cant actually remember why but i recall apphrehension & a lot of other things. but it turned out, well, at 10pm friday it stands that it is ok.

want to have a quiet weekend and hole self up in lib. at home now, really cannot study. but too tired to go anywhere. there were couple of things i had to/ could have to/ should have to? go to. but (whats new) quite exhausted. its good to live a fulfilling life etc though heh.

about 1.5 hrs before i can sleep anyway so best now finish the fat metabolism lecture? or maybe nitrogen. or something. maybe i should have gone cf. ive gone every week this year so far & i really did not ever regret going, rather i regretted my intermittant attendance last year. but then i think last yr i had a lot of random.... antisocialnesses etccc or i dont know la funny stuff i'm sure there was sth but i can't rmb. anyway all the knowledge in my head has been replaced by fat metabolism so yea.

seem to have had suddenly a ray of hope, an infusion of determination. just now i was striding through the meadows with unbelievable gung-honess, probably quite annoyingly expounding my beliefs & know-it-all-ly describing courses of actions, haha, & at the end it worked out vaguely ok. hahaha. im vv happy about that, though still one more hurdle to clear... but the thing is at that moment i should have felt really shite for all the backlog of things, 1000molecules of carbs & fats (i really cannot do gi for a living it keeps making me feel guilty abt eating hahaha) that i have suddenly wished upon myself, weird problems hanging over my head (new ones, well not new but not the ones ive been having reccently la). but for some reason i felt true conviction in what i was saying. it was exactly like the times in rg discussing debate things when i knew exactly what i was saying, the really small stuff we sweated, discussing circuit, discussing all the certainties, when i was dictating stuff to the first speakers which is hilarious coz i myself cant do first speaker for nuts.

hahaha living in memories. those were good ones though.

dunno if that was meant or just meant to cheer me up, i suppose if u know pple are trying to cheer u up & dont mean it the effect is rather lost. but i never fail to be really happy when i hear things like, i'm meant to be here, maybe God put me here for a reason, as in being Alive and being physically where i am. it's really cheering & affirming and makes you want to do your bit to make it worthwhile.

i haven't just sat in one place purposefully bumming for awhile, decompressing, defragmenting lol. being productive inhibits further productivity for me -_-

feel bad for missing cf but my mission is to make it for mass on time. for the past few weeks i get there in time for sermon. haha. oh DEAR. that's really terrible. & must go with gilll i miss that. the 9.30am meetings in the cold wind outside jmc.

dear God i hope what i have done to solve this thing is ok, i thank you for that really serendipitious situating of things, honestly i have never been so surprised in my life ever before, which is rather saying a lot. thank you for saving me from myself because i was really, really, going and prob nothing would have happened but the universe would have been slightly altered in some way. is it me or is it what people make me do? d is right, it's my choice to do what i am told to, and there is freedom in that because i made the choice. maybe it was luck maybe it was really to help me out, i do not know. but in any case i am grateful beyond belief. i have been experiencing this a lot lately, either is life randomly being sucky putting me in strange situations i dont know how to get out of & need divine intervention for, or just true luck that i keep being saved (to different extents...) anyway counting my blessings :)

lots more horribilities like the lectures i dont remember even having that i need to remember the contents of. let's not even go there. graH

Friday, November 20, 2009

if i seriously make it through this week i'm going to get starbucks this weekend :) after churchh

Thursday, November 19, 2009

the unhelpful universe

if you don't dream big, I can't scheme big.
Does that pretty much settle things?
The Universe


most unhelpful message in history. if i can get thru today i think i will be endlessly happy. better start praying for a miraculous resolution now. i think dun need to study also. just pray from now until dec 14th. anyway study also dont know so EVIDENTLY THERE'S NO POINT.

friday will be better (after a certain time in the evening...) but then i also dun really wanna go. not dont want to go is time seems to be running the 100m away from me. and i shld not inflict my probs on pple any longer. ARGH. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

the weekend. yes. that should be good.

10-11 finish carb metab, print recipes
11-1 buy stuff from tescos, make muffins. do laundry while waiting.
1-2 cycling?! heh. but dont count on it -_-
4-6.30 shower + do fat metabolism
7- dunno what time - skip thing.

friday
lecture, pbl, ssc 2b meeting. in between - nitrogen metabolism
after ssc2b meeting - lunch + finish pbl.
gym.
southsider + pccf?!!!!! lets hope huh.

saturday, sunday
gut tube histology
pancreatic secretions
saliva
neuro cals
quite honestly no one at all in my life is giving me any support at all, and.... what can i say about that?!!! when everyone either completely ignores you or just takes nonstop, and makes demands on your time, without bothering to give you support or encouragement?!!! all they do is just make you upset, without caring if you're happy. NO ONE HAS ASKED ME IF I'M OK AT ALL WITHIN MEMORY. they KNOW I'M NOT, THEY KNOW THINGS ARE REALLY SHITTY ON ALL FRONTS. but FREAKING NO. ONE. CARES. all they care is about my transgressions, all i have failed to do. guess what it doesnt count if they say "i know you're doing xxx BUT how about xyzabcdefg"

its like those pple who say NOT TO BE INSULTING but your nose looks big & your features are all in the wrong place. ok. not really. but if you know im doing it then.... WHAT'S THE COMPLAINT?!

and yea i guess im getting boring/ bitchy/ whiny. SUE ME!! for reacting like shit to shit.

well. at least i feel alive. thank God for medicine really coz if i was doing anything else i would just die. ps i really really really hope i pass my exams.

im just in total amazement that, despite being strong all this while for everyone, despite trying my utter best in everything, at the end of the day, its never enough. and they know i'm barely keeping my head above water and IT JUST KEEPS COMING!! the same issues for everyone just keeps on recurring relentlessly, like we're stuck in some kinda time warp. blah blah blah

anyway yesterday nice time out, lunch @ yum yum.

oh God. what am i doing wrong?! why why why. please can you help me i know everyone is stressed but please it cannot be good for things to be like this. what can i do, how can i pray. how can i cope with endless shit coming at me, bile humors (& vile humors too ;p). grah neuro was endless thinking abt people's thinking, GI is just full of shit. but LIFE STILL GOES ON YO. dear God, i am asking for help, a normal life, not to be at the receiving end of everyone's crap & in the end just seem like a total nutcase, and really have no friends left coz i am always in need of help (but actually ive given up on this confiding thing, for gd, hahahaha something good came out of this.... unless i have to explain exactly why i cant do whatever it is. i didnt WANT TO LET EVERYONE KNOW, TRUST ME. but unfortunately beyond a certain point explaination is required.)

(ps heh of course there -are- some awesome pple out there eg mich, sharon, adam, abby david etcc... but ya i dont mean the random angels i can only contact thru msn exactly. but u guys are angels. oh & of course hsemates are v v lovely. haha)

ANYWAY. life sucks, deal with it. i really hope my muffins work though i have no such faith in the universe any longer.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

funny pictures of cats with captions
see more Lolcats and funny pictures

forgetting why, remember how

in time of daffodils - e.e. cummings

in time of daffodils(who know
the goal of living is to grow)
forgetting why,remember how

in time of lilacs who proclaim
the aim of waking is to dream,
remember so(forgetting seem)

in time of roses(who amaze
our now and here with paradise)
forgetting if,remember yes

in time of all sweet things beyond
whatever mind may comprehend,
remember seek(forgetting find)

and in a mystery to be
(when time from time shall set us free)
forgetting me,remember me
________________________________

the weather today is absolutely beautiful. cant say much about the rest of life, but hey it could be worse. it could be raining and shiz. oh wait, that was just the last few days. looking forward to something though i dont know what it is. anyway this random doldrum is for once independent of any external factors. no drama for awhile just the aftermaths of them, plus a large dose of reluctance to do anything i should.

should go for lecture now but all my mechanisms have failed me, i no longer feel guilt, etc. on a happy note i did laundry yesterday :) and ran, and stuff, maybe today again. wash, rinse, repeat. i hate laundry because of all its connotations, i now realise.

need a specific happy Thing. but what is it?! definitely not fat metabolism. although the prospect of increasing that is rather cheering, the subject is not. not that i could be bothered about it just now but still. ugh. off to lect now..

remember seek(forgetting find)

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

im really annoyed by this formative we are not supposed to study for?! i like absolutes; study, or not. everything, or nothing.

just now, the clouds randomly darkened, so i finished up the last of the milo i brought over from singapore. it's now mysteriously sunny again, as in literally, the sparkle off the metallic gutters actually hurt the eye. this is truly a funny place.

trying to decide on ssc 2b feels like trying to decide on what area of medicine i should do for the rest of my life -_- i know its not but still. it really does rather seem like.
indeed, seek and you shall find :)

i technically still have 7 hrs to do what i have to, if i am so inclined. heh.

ps: & also unexpectedly interesting realization. hms abt balance i guess :)
philipians 4:13
I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

matthew 6:34
“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

proverbs 17:22
A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
(heh)

psalm 94:19
When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.

and the physician's prayer... not there yet but it's still nice :)

i'm not actually studying, or doing anything. just seem so scattered & tired. it's prob the lack of sleep, coupled with the things i have to do by tomorrow, that i know i cannot finish. if it were any normal day, i would just go & sleep right now, or chill out & watch tv online. but i can't -_- pretty lame i know. but yknow, times like this i treasure my usual amazing drive. sorting through my notes (not actually making any new ones/ reading them), i feel really happy & proud that i actually managed to make them. luckily, i cant rmb the exact thoughts i had when making them. i'm sure behind each anat diagram is lots of random drama and angst. haha.

so. cool. tomorrow, i'm not prepared at all for it. today - dont know if i spent it in the best way. but yeah just heck the stupid formative (this is not true, i expect to be v upset abt it, even & especially tomorrow. -_-).

but maybe once i decide to heck it the enjoyment of studying will come back to me and the tiredness will leave me. who knows. either way, that's my only shot at getting anything done tonight so... study ennui, i have missed you! what a bad time to come back. but i've been thinking about too many things, it's been a long time since i actually sat down & was horrified at my state of efficiency. that's good, right? knowing you dont know anything?!

bach cello suites

i'm not so sure why i feel so shattered. as in just really really tired randomly.

oh yes it cld be becos i slept at nearly 3am yesterday. but still!!! usually i sleep at 2+ so...



anyway, at about 4plus, ie 1 hour ago, i packed up from where i was hogging the library computer & ignoring the long line of queueing people, and attempted to get to the gym. unfortunately i completely forgot to bring.... SOCKS. gosh such an inane thing. anyway so was thwarted, came back for coffee & apples, good to know there is some good in the world left.



hahah had interesting kitchen flatmate talk :)



now just really sleepy tho its 5pm. i should study for the formative, or go running. but instead im sitting here pretending to do work (rather lousy pretense since not a single word document containing lecture notes is open on my com...), and... having a random stomachache. maybe i have ibs, ie the thing that no-one knows if it's real or not and prob just random americans taking sick leave to do more funky things. (or so the lecturer today said. gotta love mcqueen).



arghhh!! on the bright side i think things are going, if not fantastically colorfully, honestly, and yet helpfully & not unhappily (prob cos, more pressing things now...). which is hey take what you can get right, it could be that i got so distracted i couldn't... sit here distracting myself consciously from studying. -_- haha.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

what i really want to do now

1. run for ten hours
2. watch a bollywood movie.
3. read agatha christie in national library
4. debate

none of which i can do. but then even when i was doing all this last time i was wishing i was studying the liver & things. you just can't win -_-
instead of doing vile, vile bile lectures, i'm talking about kangaroos with adam. heh. :)

Saturday, November 14, 2009

romans 8:28

just hang on.
everytime i stand in that room i remember clearly how i said i would be able to face everything bravely, even go off to far-flung lands (timbuktoo rmb?) just to be able to do this.

but of course, when crunch time comes.... all the usual habits start coming out of the woodwork. not that it's a trading game, but. just to remind myself that i was supposed to face everything with dignity and grace, not sloth and desperation and procrastination and avoidance.

feel like a candle in a hurricane
just like a picture with a broken frame
alone and helpless, like you lost your fight
but you'll be all right, you'll be all right

cos when push comes to shove
you taste what you're made of
you might bend til you break
cos it's all you can take

on your knees
you look up decide you've had enough
you get mad, you get strong
wipe your hands, shake it off

then you stand

lif'e's like a novel with the end ripped out
the edge of a canyon with only one way down
take what you're given before you're gone
and start holding on, keep holding on
- Stand, Rascal Flatts

I know I have done lots wrong. I pray that there are no repercussions, because I have made so many mistakes unwittingly I can't even begin to fix them all... I keep scrambling to undo them, but there are too many, and they are too deep-seated.. all i can do is sit here and keep saying i'm sorry i'm sorry. words can't be taken back once you've said. it's like the story of the woman and the goose feathers. gossip/ anything once transmitted is impossible to be recalled. i just have to, am starting to live out the consequences.

i try to just lock myself up in my third-floor tower, barricade myself in with dirty socks & towering stacks of books, block everyone on msn, flit off skype so my pain cant be seen. but it just keeps coming. it's not just this one thing, it's EVERYTHING, from all directions. it never stops, the situations just keep popping up like mushrooms after a fairy rain.

i'm glad for bible study yesterday. it was a really small group, like 5-6 of us? and it was v fun. laughter means too much to me seriously heh. i like reading the bible out loud a lot too hahah it really reminds me of reading, and :) :)

should have waited just five minutes more before opening my mouth that day. but there is no way on earth i could have, so blinded was i with pride, assumptions, and self-righteous hypocrisy.

sunday
run, church.
library - pbl. gut tube histology, biochem lect, print stuff. drugs of gi tract.pancreatic juice.

monday
revise neuro!
ssc

Friday, November 13, 2009

you will not be burned

Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior" (Isaiah 43:1-3)

lessons learnt

1. patience is important
2. trust God. what was it about letting someone slap you twice, or something..
3. no one can save you but yourself. unless you are really, literally drowning in the ocean and you can't swim, i suppose. i can swim though.
4. great amounts of work can be done in 20 minutes
5. there is such a thing as too much of a good thing.
6. never trust anyone with anything again, because people always dissappoint, always hurt you. never expect friendship or conversation from anyone, consider it a bonus! if you ever experience such things. be extremely thick-skinned and chatter through all reactions.
7. never talk about self ever again to anyone (except to old friends asking you what's up in your life since the last 5 yrs they haven't seen u, that's rather unavoidable..)
8. in fact, never talk to anyone ever again.
9. just become well-accquainted with the crash course ;p
10. run like mad to get all endorphins coz that literally comes with a guarantee.
11. always smile and be perfectly happy 24/7.
12. buy a punching bag.
13. try & return library books on time
14. go out of way to be saintly to everyone and expect zilch in return. no. seriously.

guess what

being officially treated like shit is actually worse. gosh now who would have guessed? i need to pull myself together & STUDY. on some level i brought this on myself coz i refused to be a doormat. i coulda been a happy doormat. but NOOO.

yes time -can- heal even the worst rifts. yes, me and _________ are ok now even though then i was furious, even though it caused so so much problems. but after HOW MANY YEARS. anyway. life's like that i guess. i just somehow became too much, too unreasonable, too boring. maybe too possessive in some ways, which is so. uncharacteristic in some ways, but typical in others -_- this wkend they will all go off to nott games, & i can have some time alone to fix my life, etc. WHAT'S NEW -_-

ps: for the record. THIS SUCKS. but i can do it. i can do it. by myself & not resorting to anyone's help. in fact i think i'm quite off asking anyone for help ever again, for anything. it's a cycle that never stops. so it STOPS NOW. 1 hr more to sleeping time, STILL NO WORK DONE.

GOOD JOB

i find that when i expect things never to improve, i become more optimistic?!! its when u hope things get better that there is an element of stress/ worry/ wondering if & when it will, how you can expedite it, etc. & finally. i dont get it. i prayed it would be ok. why. is it. not?
nic: HEE

AHHH have to do pbl & ssc by midnight. which gives me 3 hrs. i feel like a broken record these days :( but playing doctor, i mean icp, was fun today!

i shouldnt offload my problems to people anymore. it's not fair on anyone. i shall just do it to this inanimate, little-visited space. thanks for all your help all these years, everyone. really :) its a bad habit & i must get rid of it.

also i'm way too argumentative and confrontational for my own good. yes i may have issues with things but shouting at pple never solved anything. guess i was just too angry and had too many perceived hurts to think properly. it feels ugh not having anyone to talk to about this, right now, coz i'm tired of discussing it, and i really should not perpetuate anything including BAD HABITS right now coz then i really wont have anymore friends lol. :( but then ive talked to so many people about so many things over the years, and nothing ever got solved per se. maybe i felt better for awhile/ did not kill myself, but erm. i wouldn't have anyway. i suppose. ok it definitely helped then. but then and now, are different things.

i sorta dug myself into this hole. and what came upon me randomly... well, it came randomly. i only pray that i manage to do what i have to do by tomorrow (pbl, ssc), that i manage to drag myself to everything i need to drag myself too tomorrow, that i manage to find the time to study properly for the dang formative exam.

other plans: BUY BOOK before i combust, watch a lot, a lot of grays. life will be good :)

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

jay: thank you!! that felt like rg/ rj days all over again heh.

bouncy bollywood music :)

just attempted to stop this stupidity that has been taking up wayyy too much time...

by making it probably irreparably worse. oops. excellent. i feel like crap now, how did you manage to do it last time?!

weighing up the options of being eternally saintly despite being treated like shit, and being officially treated like shit, uh, i'm sad to say i chose the one not involving sainthood. i think i need to reserve that for some other things. saintliness is in short supply generally where i'm concerned. i will regret this more and more, and i am horribly sorry. the entire thing is pointless and i wish it never even started. need i mention i wasn't the one who started it?

i should stop talking about it, here and to anyone else. because im sure everyone is sick of it. so am i, so am i. just wanted to say for the record that i wish it never happened, that i tried my best, and that what i said today was because i've had it with this, with being upset, with unreasonable behavior. i do appreciate what you HAVE done, and random kindnesses. but it doesnt make up for being treated like crap on a normal daily basis. if its so freaking hard to be nice to me, & be interested in what i have to say, or actually CARRY OUT A CONVERSATION, then. yeah. ok. peace :)

anyway. work beckons. saliva, ooh exciting stuff.

haish

so many things, people to account to. have to be cheerful, cannot snap at people. even though absolutely nothing is going right, have to be sweet to everyone.

i've absolutely lost it...

dear everyone who has helped me through anything: THANK YOU. i can't promise that i will put into Concrete Action Plans the eternal gratitude i feel, but nevertheless, i erm. feel it deeply. i really do.

PEOPLE ARE SO. UNREASONABLE.
i'm sick and tired of complaining. just do the work. i have alot of horrible things to say but im tired of saying it. dgklhldhtohi

edit: just keep on remembering that it isn't as bad as it is
bono amino es :) thank u d :):) that just makes me think of amino acids tho. hahaha
my productive day looks like this
a) skip pbl because of crazy cramps
b) about thirty minutes of enthused anatomy prep
c) buying apples at sainsbury (2 for 2 pounds!!!! YAY. also. lazy to walk to tescos)
d) sleep whole afternoon
e) stuff face
d) watch gossip girl until 8pm

aaarghhhhh

what i SHALL DO now
8-9 finish up anat!
9-10 ssc critical appraisal!!
10-11 ica
11-12 bum, skype. pack bag for tmr.
12- SLEEP

tomorrow
wake up at 6.30am. YES. I WILL DO THIS.
7-8am RUN IN MEADOWS. for full hour. can you believe i've not done this the entire 2 months i've been back in edin....
8-9 change & chiong to RIE for alcohol awareness. lets hope a) it doesn't rain b) i can wake up in time c) i can make it in time... hahah
9-1pm alcohol awareness
1-2 lunch?!
2-whenever borrow books from lib/ FINISH SALIVA LECTURE zz
night - salsa?? probably. i really really like it though i'm quite bad heh.
start on salmon.
PBL
SSC - QOL wiki stuff

thurs
whole day schoolll
finish up salmon.
RUN at night yays :)

friday
CHICKEN.
lecture, pbl
ssc meetup
paobu
pccf

weekend
REVISE FOR FORMATIVE lghfdlghdfl

Monday, November 9, 2009

all in all

looking out the windows, realising the sun has suddenly dissappeared. computer table littered with coffee cups, plastic wrappers, disorganised notes. still have to walk back through the cold later.

but- im listening to my fav song in the whole world - you are my all in all. that song never fails to make me peaceful and uh like im doing the right thing.

although, about that... think there was a better way to do this. and i hope i haven't basically shot in the foot something that means a lot to me. just. not in that way, for something that was ONLY TEMPORARY.

this is so, so dumb. i don't know what possessed me to say it but it's gone now. true, i was rather suspenseful, etc, but the curiosity is NOW GONE. and erm i rather regret. i have maybe done the wrong thing but i couldn't do anything else in that moment. it's incredibly incredibly stupid because there are ways to find out things apart from direct confrontation..

anyway, i need a break. the weight of the existing crosses was killing me already and i think i'm going to fall, so, something has to give. i don't even understand it entirely myself, and the more i explain it, the more insane/ overcompensating i sound, like as if i really mean it and am trying to deny it. so just let the issue evaporate. uh. i hope it does. if it doesn't, i'm sorry that i did what i did, and i acknowledge that i shouldn't have.

winter's coming, so prob this space is going to hibernate heh. aren't any sunflowers around anyway, and the sun hardly comes out these dayss :(

the thing i was trying to avoid by starting afresh... was rather unavoidable. till today it hangs over my head. maybe not like a thundercloud anymore, but like a pretty picture, of times i remember. that's not a bad thing entirely. i prayed like mad that it would never be unpleasant and strange no matter what. and my prayer luckily, holds true to this day. maybe i should have had extended that prayer to a few other things as well, just in case huh. ah well. who would've thought. anyway! winter & dark snowy evenings remind me of robert frost :) cya in summer, or something.

=)

just had a really nice convo with abby =)

You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep

'Cause they'd fill the open air
And leave teardrops everywhere
You'd think me rude
But I would just stand and stare

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems

When I fall asleep
Leave my door open just a crack
(Please take me away from here)
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac
(Please take me away from here)
Why do I tire of counting sheep
(Please take me away from here)
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep


owl city is so so zen. completely unable to do saliva lectures... but the lib is pretty. its not as cool as jane austen filled national library though ;p heh yes i rmb that day too abby! we were like library hopping! zhiying, adam, and nat wee tooo yes. heh i miss those jc days. trust me, i NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS. but though there was lots of crap & horrible exams looming up, there was a certain kind of innocence about them. i certainly don't remember ever pretending anything. i know there was def low times and all, but everything was just so transparent. the despondencies, the highs, the boring math classes, the transcendent lit tutorials. robert frost's leaf treader? the glittering pages of gatsby, the way the windows looked like the heart of darkness. things were genuinely funny when they were, and it was the sort of hilarity that made everything ok. dont get me wrong, medicine is awesome (how could it not be), just had a fantastic lecture on bilirubin. i never want to go back to the time i didn't know if i was meant to do it.

i'm just saying, time casts such a glitzy sheen... i know i know i was incredibly angsty most of the time in jc... but i also remember angels coming to save me over & over again... that's why im so so sorry that i had to do that to b. im crazy sorry, no one will understand exactly how upset i am about it. if not for b, i might have honestly combusted halfway through j2. oh gosh. and before math p2, me, b, m and eliza was there too! i remember that day like a fly trapped in amber. how the aunty dusted the library shelves & we all started coughing.. how m taught me last minute stats.. how we laughed ourselves silly outside the library. dearest b: PLEASE FORGIVE ME. I WILL MAKE IT UP TO YOU.

ok i know CIRCUMSTANCES, but really those all day mugging fests in school were where i felt most scared, but the most free. the most undecided, but also the strongest. i guess when you lose absolutely everything, when you can do nothing but prove yourself since no one believes in you any longer, that's when you can do the best you can.

and the amazing thing is: despite my extremely antisocial behavior as the a's approached... i'm sure my classmates rmb this... they still bother to keep in touch, talk really often on msn, when i'm halfway round the world.

jc was far, far from perfect. but i'm touched that it turned out well despite everything. if i went back to my j2 year and told myself it would all be ok, i think i wouldnt have been able to believe it. so. thank God for jc. who knew i'd ever say that. hahahaha.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

cake

1. just had a's cake :)
2. discussion of research papers just now yay
3. TGIS
4. bible study went ok (despite the Situations yesterday)
5. the kindness of people when you really need them is heartwarming
6. the miraculous happenings yesterday heh
7. room is practically spotless now!!
8. just dragged self to gym
9. MORE cake heh, well pastry things i don't know the names of. but it involved rasins. and almonds. and there was defo a crossaint

the notsogood stuff
- studying
- not running etc enoughh (instead sit at home having coffee & cake ><)

the dunno where it goes stuff
- i am willing for this never to be resolved. i literally asked for it, all of it. maybe i wasn't the catalyst. but for everything else, i walked myself into the lion's den. some days its easier than others, i just need to push through.
- need to not talk so much.
- wish it wasnt just the hope giver, but its nice to be cool with it. really. kinda.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

am not proud of what i've done or what i shall do. but i'm really very tired. it shouldn't be this way. i keep going in circles, and... i'm done with this. do what you must. its like mushy tomato sauce. i don't deny anything. i just want to keep my head down, ostrichify it when the desert storms come. the hurt is more than anything i have ever known? or does it just seem that way? if it's not worth fighting for, then let's just brave through it. anyway it's just me who has to brave the pain right?! what's new anyway. i'm more than used to it.

either it was never meant to be mine, or i'm doing a stupid thing. if it was never mine then best to give up now. if it was dumb, all of it, then if all this can't be transcended then it's obviously no earth-shaking thing, not worth moving any mountains for. i think that's probably it. it's good but not good enough for anything but picking blueberries, all over again.

whatever it is, it is real-er than a lot of things. i know because even when i tell my stories i feel like i am giving away some piece of me. it exists. due to a lot a lot of stupidity, mostly on my own part. anyway i'm pmsing. yes. v good excuse for everything ;p

been doing a lot of blur things these days, more than usual. but it makes me feel me, in a weird kind of way. not least coz when i push through with all these things, i feel the strength returning to me. i am more tired, and my emotions have been through washingmachine cycles more than in a long time, but... my drive is back. its like someone took out my heart but put in energizer batteries. i just keep going keep going. that might be the trick actually. no matter what happens just throw in lots of sugar, spice & everything nice. it served me well before, no reason why it shouldn't now.

subterfuge! and now i have to figure out, how to make it up to those ive inflicted things upon. guys im really really sorry. i hope i dun overcompensate too... i will make it up in some way that will confuse the seesaw principle of things dont worry. now must sleep to set a record, ie earliest bedtime in WEEKS. ie, 1am -_-

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Fireflies in the Garden - Robert Frost

Here come real stars to fill the upper skies,
And here on earth come emulating flies,
That though they never equal stars in size,
(And the were never really stars at heart)
Achieve at times a very star-like start.
Only, of course, they can't sustain the part.

___________________________________
from this amazing amazing site.. http://community.livejournal.com/greatpoets/

this is not really a poem. in that it is not something funny or witty, not even self-deemed, that i would write and show off and try to erase all my hurt with. but it is. and it may have a deeper meaning than i intended, which is not the case with those that are soley lame puns strung together in a way that is musically pleasing to me. i was never actually good at rhythm when i did do music so.. so maybe i will not show this off, but just let it exist in this space. i love this kind of subdued beauty that some poems manage to handle, letting the words shimmer gently. i can only write poems pretending at this, but not achieve it. nevertheless, writing it seems to put me in a zen, calm frame of mind. like wandering round an art gallery, or selecting books i will not buy in a bookshop to sit in a hideyhole and read. it is probably quite sad to say this is the happiest and most peaceful poem i have written in a long while, everything else is condemning love, and seems chirpy, strong, power woman with forceful, pun-choked punchlines. guess this is for the peace that running gives me, for the strength i used to seemingly posess


wintergreen
between the fluttering bird-
leaves, wandering the peripheries
of fields, heeled boots on
cobblestones; my thoughts are
unremembered, paeolonthic
far-away and ancient
like the stoned buildings
dulled by the wind, chilled
drink on an icy day. chasing
winged things down the street
rain-dust from the cars,
yellow-jacketed cyclists
illuminated in the 3 pm dark,
runners warring the sunset
with japanese masai headbands,
the tango classes in wood-
panelled rooms which never seem
to progress; the endless
waltz of gradual winter
auguring the dissappearing
freeze

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

human beings fascinate me. and looking back, i think the inevitable was inevitable. everything seems to have been written in stone right from the beginning. or heh benefit of hindsight ;p

maybe i shouldnt have prayed everything would be ok. it's ok, yeah, as in dull & boringly so. it's ok in the sense that there's generally an absence of something, not someone asking you questions you don't want to answer, or telling you things you don't want to hear. it's ok in the sense that you don't have the burning urge to do anything. but you know there's a hundred things you can't do, people you have no right to love. scabs that never fully healed being undone again; and you give up utterly.

not comforting at all to know it was never yours. there are lots of things that aren't mine, but best not to think about them. surely, the dust will settle, even on boringness. or should i say, i'm sure life will become interesting again ;p it just feels quiet and echo-ey, having managed to quell all the tempests, calm the billows. i shouldn't. i don't want to have to. but at least being in stasis beats knowing that you will self-destruct spontaneously anytime soon and the fuse lies in someone else's hand. maybe one day i'll tell you, just not for, oh, a few forevers.
up to my eyeballsss in work somehow

tues
1.20-2 finish as much of pbl as possible + pack bag (applesss, gym stuff)
2-4 finish up pbl in lib using microbiology book, try and do ica, try and do ssc + photocopy copies for j, k
4-5 csppd data entry?!
5-6ishhh gymmm
8+ (giving time for bumming heh)
8-10 FINISH the pesky gait lecture. do the brain tumor lecture. and finish off the sleep lect.
10-12 pack my room, do laundry, vaccum!! copy today's lecture notes. thank u mantoux test that caused me to miss it -_-

wed
lecture until about 1
prepare for anat

also leading bible study on fri
and must do ssc grp critical appraisal
and my critical appraisal with k during the weekend ><

fair

fairly sure this peace will not last forever obviously but :) it's nice

- girltalk with pple :) esp people u don't usually talk to that much.
- falafel & cappuchino with cinnamon (was going to make Healthy Lunch indeed at home, but ended up printing off loadss of lecture notes and putting them into MS word in the below-greenfield comp lab with jay for rather long, and would have died of hunger)
- crazy mini-circuit class in gym, which i got thoroughly confused by, despite NOT BRINGING MY GYM GEAR. GOOD ONE!! thank goodness i brought the shoes...
- midafternoon skype
- i still have somemore of my fav cereal drink from sg left in the shelves. keep thinking i will run out but the supply seems to extend miraculously (on that note am fairly sure there's only abt 5 left. and i brought a 3 mth supply. oops. guess i just drink it alot heh)
- j was really understanding abt some reccent stuff n altho he doesnt read this i think i am really very grateful to him for alot of stuff :) i dont think grateful is the word. just... he's really the best man. and oh yes i am grateful for his help with the tuna sandwhiches hahaha ;p

ok to remind self
tmr
GO TO RIE AROUND 8AM for hep b, tb jabs etc

things to do
- SSC - grp critical appraisal
- wkend: critical appraisal with kamin
- finish gait lecture aurgHhh
- sleep lectures
- random neurophysiology lectures
- fix rather bad ssc work heh

Monday, November 2, 2009

ignoble

i'm so scared. i really am >< please God let everything be ok

haish how did it come to this..........................

why does everything in my life always get so blown up?!

ps: HEH
IGNOBLE PRIZES

BIOLOGY PRIZE: Fumiaki Taguchi, Song Guofu, and Zhang Guanglei of Kitasato University Graduate School of Medical Sciences in Sagamihara, Japan, for demonstrating that kitchen refuse can be reduced more than 90% in mass by using bacteria extracted from the feces of giant pandas.

COGNITIVE SCIENCE PRIZE. Toshiyuki Nakagaki of Hokkaido University, Japan, Hiroyasu Yamada of Nagoya, Japan, Ryo Kobayashi of Hiroshima University, Atsushi Tero of Presto JST, Akio Ishiguro of Tohoku University, and Ágotá Tóth of the University of Szeged, Hungary, for discovering that slime molds can solve puzzles.

BIOLOGY (1998) ong of Gettysburg College, Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, for contributing to the happiness of clams by giving them Prozac.

CHEMISTRYYukio Hirose of Kanazawa University, for his chemical investigation of a bronze statue, in the city of Kanazawa, that fails to attract pigeons.

this is possibly the cutest, though tough fight ;p
ARCHAEOLOGY PRIZE. Astolfo G. Mello Araujo and José Carlos Marcelino of Universidade de São Paulo, Brazil, for measuring how the course of history, or at least the contents of an archaeological dig site, can be scrambled by the actions of a live armadillo.

now i know how i ended up watching blackadder most of last yr, and how absolutely necessary it was to my sanity. PLEASE MAY EVERYTHING WORK OUT.

ps. sometimes i disgust myself too. just suffice it to say that: i did mean it all, and it means more to me than i dare to say, or anyone will ever know. except possibly d, who really DOES know hahaha. i just... don't dare. yeah. im not unfeeling or mad or unsusceptible. just really stupid and tired and all. x told me anyway: you didnt lose anything since u never had it. THANKS. may be true but, is ok. i'll hold off some knowledge, is fine.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

east to west - casting crowns

Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
gargh stiflingg angst. threw on jeans & boots and draGGED self to church... it was surprisingly good.

bedraggled, wet, still in black rj hoodie, as i stomped up the stairs to the chapel.. the mass had already started, and i could hear them singing hymns. it was really quite like hearing angels singing on high. the orange-suffused stairwells with religious iconry, crosses, the well-worn steps, the familiar genuflection, crossing self, watching the wind puff up trees and smoke and leaves through the bay windows of the small church... it might or might not have ameliorated everything. but i defo feel better now :) n i prayed that all my altercations with like 1000 pple now (ok, maybe just a few pple) would be solved, quite fervently. whether this prayer will be answered or not remains to be seen.

but God did answer my prayer about the tiramisu biscuits ;p so i'm hopeful heh.

just looked at my timetable for next week. gi starts with a vengeance, neuro is SO not sorted, my room looks like a thunderstorm, i'm just koping stuff straight from where they're drying/ dried next to the heater, throwing them on, etc. symbolic reflection of my mental state reccently.. oh goodness. thank goodness for small bursts of hope like, i dunno, people willing to find time to talk, small hilarities. they've been really small reccently is all i can say. but yeah.

emailing d back and forth, pretty nice :) oh skype with m yeo was funnn ahaha.

what can i say

the worst thing is, no matter how i explain, it doesnt exonerate myself. its always been that way anyway.

i tried. thats never good enough for anyone. using all the knowledge and scruples i had, i tried. i now know, i could have averted this quite simply, but i didnt know this then!!!!!!!

so what can i do, turn back the clock?

i hate this the most. everything i do i try to avoid this. everything else is just for fun. but this - this is serious and i fking slipped up.

and now, i dun feel like going out tonight. will there be repercussions? probably. do i care? yes. but i also know, that by going, it doesn't solve anything. and i already have this issue to work through, to atone for. when i weigh up the two sides, i know where my allegiance lies. its not an easy choice to make on face value but if you look at it its pretty obvious. i dun expect anyone to understand, or to give me comfort, or to be nice about it. but i'm a fan of unpopular choices, of doing headstrong things based on seemingly dubious values. i know deep down i'm right. maybe the way i say it is wrong, but this is the right thing to do.

perhaps this might turn out badly. but then you know who your true friends are. so please forgive me, guys. i love you all but some things are urgent. fixable, i don't know. am i messing up the fixing of it yes. must i try nevertheless? obviously. i dont expect u to be understanding but if u would, that would be amazing.
ran even though meadows was completely dark. there's something about letting your lung-tree fill up; something about turning the key and the clockwork starts up. you dont have to think about running, it just happens. it feels like beating the crap out of the pavement, leaving the dogs behind, conquering fears. fortunately or not, most probably unfortunately, i am no longer super kiasu. and it was fine.

why does it always happen like this. atwood, or at least her handmaid ;p was correct. there is freedom to and freedom from. i would like to lie on my bed and read a book that makes me very happy but, off to decide should i be a fairy or a pirate tonight. and no book anyway. the one day i walk into the secondhand bookshop deciding if i dont buy a book NOW i will die so just go for it, no nice books. good one. seems so symbolic somehow, should i be the good guy or the bad guy. think imma going for the pirate heh. too many fairies!