About Me

Friday, December 31, 2010

NYE

may the upcoming year be full of happy things; starbucks lattes, epiphanies, friends and laughter being some of those ;p may the downs always be negated by ups. may we always finish running our races, never grow tired or upset. may we never feel like we have no one in the world (especially after turning down everyone's invitations, *ahemahem*). may there always be happy things like poetry, good food, interesting lecturers and plenty of gossip fodder and entertaining lunchtimes =p

not sure why everyone is so hyped up about hols this year, but i suppose it's always good to have an extra dose of joy?

i just want to record that as of 31st dec 2010, all my burdens have been lifted; my prayers answered. 2010 was not really an easy year, despite, clearly, good intentions. so for everything to have been resolved neatly and tied up with a bow, is really something.

definitely i know there will be challenges ahead, but i have the strength to overcome them, as best as i can.

this was inspired by the new year's email i just got from a friend, and i am really honoured that he considers me close enough in his circle of friends, considering that we've only known each other for a few months especially! wow. actually, i should be the one thanking you. even though sometimes, i dont trust people and i dont believe in them, you guys always seem to prove me wrong. we have quite a few more yrs to go, so i hope & pray that these friendships we forge will prove enduring :)

listening to: fireflight - unbreakable
God I want to dream again
Take me where I've never been
I want to go there, this time I'm not scared
I'm unbreakable; it's unmistakable
i have been coming to some realizations, and thinking about things, in ways i have not done before.

this isn't anything overtly positive or negative, but it is illuminating.

i think sometimes we tend to forget things easily, being human and only having so much RAM. lol. but in any case, i am glad for whatever triggered off my realizations; it's one step closer to gratitude, understanding, acceptance etc.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

resolutions review

1) be more focused & disciplined: well. er. i tried! can't really say this worked though...
2)control my emotions better & not let them dictate things too much: unfortunately this also sadly failed, but it's only on hindsight; at the time i thought i controlled myself excellently, HAHA. but there were certainly times that i didn't act on things i might otherwise have acted on and i feel that should be recognised too!

3)to not hurt or insult anyone, and try not to let anyone hurt or insult me. : eh. i think this sadly failed. i don't think one can really control these things, but can hope & pray they never occur. and try harder!

4) to trust God more.
i did :) even in my darkest hours, i think it's safe to say i fulfilled this. in fact it's during situations when i felt most confused that i went to church to seek solace and light reams of candles.

5) go for bible study every week: i did!! thanks to my very amusing cell group!! matthew gooi & colin jj low's double duo standup comedy... plus ivy jo hianliang av rae diana eugene charis etc etc. although it may seem superficial to go for company and laughter, i learnt a lot about the bible from it. and i became more consciously nice for it i -hope-. also, i didn't really go primarily cos they're funny, so much so as i felt this aura of love and welcomeness which i've always associated with God, so it felt Right to go, even though its not really a catholic thing.

6) to not take people for granted: : hmm i guess i was better at this at some times more than others. but i was pretty conscious of it. i guess its what you arent conscious about that stumbles you most eh. like if you take it SO much for granted you dont know you're taking it for granted?

7) to run/ exercise moreoh i definitely did this more in year 2 than in year 1!! but it was migitated by going out more to eat also. HAHA. also now its easier to run with more than my own voice of conscience so that bodes well.

8) concentrate on studying and then be able to hang out with friends guilt free
i did this!! i went out loads in year 2 oops. plus some really happening housemates who like to go out to eat and you get this. but it was fun!

not quite nigella

is a lovely blog

today was both nice and quite fml, like when i realised simultaneously upon reaching starbucks and buying coffee that a) my thumbdrive was in school and b) my laptop cant get wifi there. but the people in the research proj are nice! shame we will split into small groups, its really rare to instantly bond with sucha random group of people!! it was a fun meeting. cept its more allergy, immuno than peds so in two minds about it...


Tuesday, December 28, 2010

there's glitter everywhere and its nearly 2am, oh life

also, just had a v interesting philosophical/religious discussion with adam. yes, at nearly-2-am. :D i missed that! it's been soo long since i did something like that. but it was nice to see my brain cells havent actually atrophied.

WHY ARE THERE SO MANY THINGS TO DO?!!
to everyone i am not going to be able to meet up with: i really am so sorry :( please understandd k! trust me i dont like it either!!!

Monday, December 27, 2010

on 2010

jan: the house is getting warmer. flatmates get to come back to a really nice warm flat! :)
feb: lifelong dream of being in a bollywood dance. somewhere around here i also did a project on childhood epilepsy, ie, another of my dreams. wow looking back this month was a dream come true. crazy busy, but really fulfilling.

march: sharon and manyun came & it was exactly like old times! so so glad they shared the last few months of edin with me.

april: Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
may:the day of pablo neruda  - today i can write the saddest lines

june-  dont think june was a terribly happy month. this just drives home the point that material posessions are not enough, cos i was doing all the things i love to do - travel, read, gym, neurology research, and even crashing a bollywood filming site!

july: plans for the future keep solidifying. how am i to get there?? i really don't know. but i will keep trying. i think our prayers are getting wiser.

august: very happening and happy time of meeting up with friends! new and old. manyun's 21st,  playing some card game with may matt colin which was an abdominal exercise in itself ;p lots of girly talk at ps cafe, dempsey with adam, confession + bible study + alot of random stuff with david.  sent the guys off to us also.

Luke 13:24 Make every effort to enter through the narrow door, because many, I tell you, will try to enter and will not be able to.

september-oct, my new life began!
i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes
november: EXAMS, post-exam recuperation & kdramas (runaway plan b haha)

december: christmas carolling, quite alot of cms stuff. this was actually a very happy month.

IN CONCLUSION
its kinda crazy actually, looking back on this year. if someone had laid the events in front of me as i sat blithely in the singapore-london flight somewhere in jan 2010, wow, i would have been wondering how on earth am i going to get through this?!! yeah, good thing no-one did anything of the sort. haha. and indeed i survived! came out smelling like roses, miraculously enough.

2011: i'll finally start clinicals! and be much more wiser and mature and EFFICIENT for the delay. on hindsight i wasted a lot of emotional energy on random stuff this year. and i would really not like to repeat that, but that a lot of the time, these are things you cannot control. so i'm going to -try- to control them as best as i can. my resolution for the year to come is to let go of all the niggling worries and unecessary angst, and to just focus on what needs to be done and enjoy the moment :) and to be more productive!

actually ive given up the idea of peds already. i really want it, but too competitive, and the working life is soo stressful. sigh. well just let God lead me :)

Saturday, December 25, 2010

christmas day

was well-spent :)
spending the last few minutes of it listening to colbie caillat as it rains outside. catching up with some of the lovelies, and more catchingup on the horizon hopefully! CA2? what CA2?

all of christmas was wellspent actually. realised that coz i always take the flight home quite late for some reason, ive spent the past few christmas eves on the plane. and i havent made it to an 8am christmas day mass since forever. i usually go straight from airport --> 6pm mass, with my maroon edinburgh medics hoodie that is now... MISSING. symbolism: 1, eli: 0. i really liked that hoodie!!! oh well, sg's too hot for it anyways.

actually people always say christmas is commercialized; i suppose to some extent it is. but the reality is that everyone makes a special effort to be happy and celebratory on that day; even self-proclaimed atheists would tell you to let loose and have some fun cos it's christmas. ;p

Friday, December 24, 2010

wow that was the most gatsby-eque party i've ever been to!

also, singing is CLEARLY not my forte, and definitely not the alto part nevertheless, want to say THANK YOU and much love to my 3 juniors: clare, rachel and sandesh! for enduring practices (and for clare, actual carolling!) its been really fun. and to my actual batchmates, its been really nice getting to know you guys better :) and christen and edmund/ christen and annthea suanning are very funny hahaha, + jeremy and his EXTREMELY random dissection of jokes. also thanks to the seniors who very strenuously tried to teach clare and me songs on the spot, and who sang into my ear so i could sing into clare's ear ;p and finally; YES we did sing carol of the bells! albeit rather off-timely and off-tunely at some spots, HAHA.

people are coming baaack and i dont know if i have time to meet up with everyone :( sigh. hope it works outt. last night i actually dreamt i was studying, ughhh. one more month to utter dhoom. or rather, one month of torture, a short break, more torture, then CLINICALS. oh please let me just get a b at the end of it all, i dont ask for too much!! and im beginning to think it might be more cost-effective to study at starbucks everyday. as in cost-benefit-analysis wise. HAI. but nevermind, i'm happy for now, yea like happiness is a currency isnt it ;p

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

i'm glad i went for christmas carolling :) christmas is the nicest season of the year i think!!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

i'm looking for
a) non-leprechaun gold, preferably at a pot at the end of a rainbow
b) the bluebird of happiness
c) an olive branch

Sunday, December 12, 2010

ughhh

Narnia - Prince Caspian

I HEART Narnia, and CS Lewis. Also, the guy acting Prince Caspian is hot! Hee. Apart from that, the religious themes in it were really quite cool. Some particularly good bits - when Lucy goes into the woods to find Aslan, and he says "why didn't you come earlier?"; she replies "I was too scared to come alone". When they go into battle yelling "For Aslan!!!" and all the scepticism in everyone coz they haven't seen him in like a thousand years. Quite appropriate to the worldview of many these days. The way he roars at the dwarf and how in awe/ embarrassed of his previous scepticism the dwarf is.

And possibly best of all - the Regina Spektor song The Calling at the end when the credits roll.

weekend
I am not really sure what is wrong with me except that I just feel like crap, physically, and spiritually, or whatever. medstudentitis LOL. So I'm just really confused, and I'll get back with this living thing when I've sorted it out. Think its just a phase, and I'll find balance soon enough.

I really did have a stomachache yesterday, which may or may not have been pms, I'll find that out soon, haha. And that sort of wonked up lots of plans. Spent yesterday errr reading xkcd, watching prince caspian, and errr typing up notes on rhinitis (that's ONE SLIDE of the respi notes.) How efficient. The stomachache is STILL HERE, but I figured I gotta get on with life.

So. Bleh.
On the bright side, wrote two essays for merfl! Proud of self for making coherent sentences. Unfortunately I wrote them in the school comp lab then lost my thumbdrive after when I rushed off.

Asked the library staff for lost and found stuff. There was only one thumbdrive, which was filled with a project about zebrafish. How adorable really. Tried to convince myself and them I might have written some poetry about zebrafish, to no avail, since it was a science project. So now Im using a snowman thumbdrive, which ummm needs to be decapitated each time I want to stick it into the usb port. It's quite !! really, similar to my pink teddy bear thumbdrive in jc cept maybe WORSE. It's all quite oryx and crake really.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

pbp fun continued

breast examination lesson:
patient, to random guy examining him (plastic breasts were used): you need to know your women better

fundoscopy lesson:
tutor: so... look at the patient's right eye with your right eye. if not, you'll look like you're kissing the patient *procedes to demonstrate on d*

otoscopy lesson:
tutor: so what's this diagram?
*everyone stares blankly*
tutor: nah just kidding, trying to see if anyone really copied everything off the whiteboard

dont even get me started on the whole shebang of cancelled tutorial, everyone going home/ to mr bean in holiday euphoria, then suddenly alll getting called back to crash a tutorial, causing the actual group to wait outside for 10 minutes and general confusion. but the tutor was really funny and it was actually quite funny

like how, when we sucessfully convinced them to let us crash, then we all sat in the room, and someone said 'actually, why did we fight so hard to have the tutorial today?' and everyone was like 'oh ya... why ah??'

heh. it was quite a good day :)

Monday, December 6, 2010

love the way you lie



this is :D
the guy is soo cute heh

teenage dream is already fantastic by itself, but somehow when that guy is there singing his guts out, it's like drops of... golden rain, for lack of a better expression

and... yes. i am having a reaally happening monday night. hey its practically hols! time to chillax ;p

only thinking of good things - SNSD

for awhile i felt a tad annoyed that i wasnt living the same conventional life everyone else is living. but then i realised a few things
a) convention is relative
b) not everyone shows every single emotion at every point in time
c) being me basically takes away the chance of being normal and mainstream. seriously, if i was a salmon, i'd never swim in the middle of the stream ;p

last weekend's ripples in the ocean made things very strange indeed. drama, don't i lurrve drama. well im bored now, so, i guess, yes. but no i dont want it back it's okay!!

hoidays are coming, holidays are coming, holidays are coming!!
going to make COOKIES, GINGERBREAD, study at staaaarbucks + go to borders & page 1 with huishan hopefully. dance! run! watch all the movies i've been meaning to watch. and do the hundred and one things i simply haven't thought of yet

a few more pbp clinical sessions and we're DONE woots. most tiring semester ever, but one in which i learnt the most about medicine, life, love (basically, that it doesnt exist), and friendship (the jury is still out on the existance of this one. can only be done as a friendship post-mortem which defeats the entire purpose. but then you can sit somewhere under a tree and feel happy warm fuzzy that you have the capability to make great friends plus retain them for > 5 minutes!!), and Meeting New People

it is FUN actually. when i say meeting i dont mean brush past people without a second look as everyone streams out the lecture theatres. i mean chance meeting of people and exchanging... i dunno... friendly greetings HAHA its beginning to sound like meeting aliens on the moon. but when you get to know people a little better, it's really nice :) and i hope to do more & more of that. it's nice to have the Potential to bump into more people, like the random guy we were chatting to in the medsoc room. like how rach my junior happily waved to me at playhouse (i think she was high after a good performance heh. but still. it's niice). like how i'm talking to my current cg more coz we all just see each other SO much. (patho tuts and practs monday AND friday, anyone?! nonstop pbp practice as if the exam is tomorrow??) and then people i keep meeting when they shuffle the groups around and chat to as we walk down from the tutorial rooms/ random far-away harvey simulators.

my conclusion: life is like brownian motion, and everything tends towards entropy.
also, that mathematicians produce equations from coffee
heh. random but just had to say that

Sunday, December 5, 2010

psalm 27

1 The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?

2 When the wicked advance against me
to devour[a] me,
it is my enemies and my foes
who will stumble and fall.
3 Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.


4 One thing I ask from the LORD,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.

6 Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the LORD.

7 Hear my voice when I call, LORD;
be merciful to me and answer me.
8 My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
Your face, LORD, I will seek.
9 Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
God my Savior.
10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
the LORD will receive me.
11 Teach me your way, LORD;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
spouting malicious accusations.

13 I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

the thing i hate most is justifying the actions of others who have done me wrong, when actually im hurting most of all about it to begin with. i hate justifying why im not living up to expectations when truth is... I DONT KNOW EITHER.

:)

just talked to m on msn. it made me remember how, in loads of not-so-fun times last year, i talked to him and suddenly it all became better. i think one thing we both have in common is the ability to make really shitty stuff become funny, and that's sth i really treasure about my friendship with him. like i will never let myself degen into pessimism coz it doesnt fit the tone of the convo? or even if i go, him being him, will confirm say something funny. LOL

thanks m, for helping me keep my sanity all those times, more than id imagined. really do appreciate it.

selective memories

on a day when you feel like everything is spinning out of control... then you should only record the happy things. also i think this is pms so. yes. perspective.

1. BEATLES (playhouse)
2. bubble tea :)
3. bad romance (the song benny did for street jazz today :):) ITS BEEN SO LONG. love love)

dear cg mates, even though we were uberr chill and as a result are randomly fishing around for sister cgs, i still love you guys!

notes for self improvement
1. FIND MY MAKEUP. OR BUY IT. whatever it is, NEVER take another picture sans mascara/ eyeshadow. goodness.
2. never eat ever again (tough. but it might also help with the fact that i am now BROKE. thanks to the 50 dollar talleys book...)
3. go back to the being a nice person thing. i suppose it can get annoying if someone is attempting to be saintly and clearly fails on many counts, but id rather risk being considered hypocritical than not try at all, & at my lowest point, know that not only do i not have a thousand things, i dont even like what i see when i look into my own soul.

Friday, December 3, 2010

grr



exams. kicked ass. nuff said.
oh that wasnt too clear, i meant it kicked MY ass

but i can handle this shit. and i WILL.

on the bright side, i didnt fail! yay.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

the catalyst

listening to: linkin park - the catalyst

today i am grateful for being able to sit here in this air-conditioned lt, bumming on my laptop and listening to songs i love whilst waiting for lectures to start. i don't KNOW if this shebang is coming to an end, but possibly, it might be. signing of peace treaties. i don't TRUST. and i dont trust enough to trust.

k sent a sweet fb msg. as in the fact that he bothered to send it was sweet :) "now that you've been away for awile lets reflect on things" HAHA oh where do they make these dudes.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

the pendulum is mid-swing

There are only miracles, eli, and to one degree or another they all soothe, pamper, and enrich. However, to avoid blowing too many minds at once, some are disguised as unpleasant surprises, botched circumstances, and twisted acquaintances that can rarely be seen for who or what they truly are until the pendulum has fully swung.

Yes... don't I think of everything?

Duck!
The Universe

So if something still hurts, baffles, or confuses, eli, it only means a miracle has occurred, the pendulum is mid-swing, and that soon you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

all is well with my soul

Serena: I guess it's for the best. If I end up with Dan, a part of me will always love Nate. If I end up with Nate, a part of me will always love Dan, so I don't know. I guess I just need to find someone who gives me what I get from both of them.
Blair: That's a mature decision. Not sure I've made many of my own for awhile.

hehh. blair, i feel you.

tomorrow - its highly unlikely it will be cotton candy perfect, but there are things to look forward to. this is the best sort of peace, because it's the calm AFTER the storm, not before. that's just dangerous.

today, i think i've come full circle on a circle. like the planets revolve on their own axis, but also go round the sun. like 365 days have finally elapsed. (metaphorically. i have no idea what i was doing 1 year ago) i finally finished the last spin, and i'm where i need to be. i've closed the last link, ive ended everything on a good note, i'm at the beginning again

nick lachey - resolution
Nothing but an empty page
Breathing in an open space

Here's my resolution
I'm letting go
All I need to learn is along this road
Breathe, it's my resolution

Living life without a plan
Finding solace where I stand
~
and as my said - the me then said BRING IT ON. and the me now knows that i am living out my dreams :)

also - its back to the studying grind. NOOO!!

gossip girl love


Eleanor: I could kill the caterer. The appetizer tray looks like a Rorschach Test.

Rufus: I'm dreading this. As much as the truth might be a relief it's also the toughest thing he'll ever have to face.
Lily: Well just be prepared. Who knows how he'll react. He may not even believe you.
Rufus: Genetics don't lie, even though some doctors who administer paternity tests do.


HAHA. i have a whole stack of quotes... in my GI tract notes. it makes me smile non-stop

to summarise, friends have been wonderful, i have revealed too much, too soon. but, i had chocolate, i cut my hair, i feel loved and at peace. i saw heart-shapes in the sky between the clouds yesterday when running. i have realised something important. i have experienced warmth where i never suspected it might come from - or rather - i am just so pessimistic about it cos when it's cold, boy is it cold. but that just makes me treasure it aaall the more. life can get hilly, so learn to rock-climb.

i need to study, its been a hectic weekend.
as with some other particular things. everything that needs to be said, has been said. i am at peace.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

take my dreams/ come and give them wings

today we had harvey, and i finally learnt what all the murmurs sound like. it was sheer sheer joy.

i am totally going to cut down on music listening.

butbut the BEST THING was that when i presented my history-taking, the doctor taking us was like 'good! that was exactly what i was looking for!' and proceded to effuse on a little longer. *sparkles of happiness* usually the scottish/ english are farr better than me at presenting so i never stand out, plus the putting on an accent just messes me up. so it's a looong time (like since debate times) that something like this has happened.

so dear harvey tutor, thank you for the affirmation which you will likely forget, but i will always remember fondly :)

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

yesterday was essentially a study of contrasts, ie, STORY OF MY LIFE.

happy bit, amongst other things, figured out my cg (ithink) and im pretty happy with this arrangement, fingers crossed it doesnt change and it goes well.

anyway, thanks hl, for taking that call. v grateful for that.

and guys - thanks for making me smile and laugh. all the time really

Sunday, November 21, 2010

do dreams come true? the ones you have when you're asleep?

wish last night's would.

that was the first time i ever felt so free and happy in a dream, like everything was gonna be okay

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

life

has been good. perhaps i have an addiction to dramas ;p but seriously, what's wrong with doing something that makes you happy??

Roundup of post-CA fun

- watched Sleeping Beauty by the Austrailian National Ballet on DVD. It is soo pretty. I wish I were a ballet dancer!

- post ca tea with the guys& their usual gang, twas fun guys!
- dinner at this indian restaurant. <3 trying out new food!

- ice-skating today with the og! i'm so glad i went, it was a good chance to get to meet more people and know people better!! :):) and... it was just plain fun. heh. although i'm aching everywhere now...

- breakfast with the family today... french toast and egg! perfect way to start off a public holiday

- exam mass where i got to know the catholic medics better :) and pray post-humously for my exam hahah.

- christmas carolling practice. carol of the bells is SO PRETTY. hearing all the sopranos altos tenors and basses singing in unison is really so pretty. i realised that at that moment, singing about the miracle of christmas was the best thing i could do for God. there is really so little we can do to show our gratitude that one should do EVERYTHING possible. and i have been having so many criseses (like since forever) about what is the right thing.

at that moment, as i was inexplicably part of this greater chorus of things, of this shimmering arc of beauty transcending everything, as our voices rose over the raging storms outside, as the strains of 'joy to the world' cut through the thunder and lightning, i knew beyond all odds, that the right and best thing to do, was whatever choice led me to that room, on that day, to give this honor in glory of God.

the choice of coming back, the choice of spending the time singing instead of catching up on lectures or gymming. the choice of going for mass cos i didnt want to keep sending smses with excuses to annthea, or slink around just to avoid going for the activities (that's silly...). the choice of going for pccf all those nights, which left a pccf-shaped hole in my heart, which i needed cms to help me fill.

- aand stayed up until 3am last night (first time i've been able to since ca ended, due to people competing for computer usage) watching my favorite guy, rain, in runaway! highly reccomended. seriously, my life would never be like runaway, nor do i really want to be constantly on the run either. soo this is not some indulgent watch (like playful kiss, which is so slice of life that i might as well go eat my own english breakfasts and worry over my own studies... but khj is cute though hee) but a visual feast. plus rain and lee na-young are superb actors and it's really sweet how he declares his love for her as she sits in the police car having given up her freedom to be arrested to save him. he's saved her from baddies thousands of times, but this time, the amount he cares has increased exponentially; it just seems to have that added oomph of urgency and distress.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

choices

are annoying to make. what with the cg thing (but somehow i dont feel as disturbed as the rest of the class who are undergoing like MAJORRR upheaval hahah) and haish random stuff. ok, to be fair, it's happy stuff.

well i suppose, whatever happens, happens.

i have this feeling - that it's going to be a good good night

Monday, November 15, 2010

be whole again beyond confusion

Here are your waters and your watering place.
Drink and be whole again beyond confusion.




i think these two are related, somehow

i want to be certain of my uncertainty. hai have a hundred things to say but i think luckily for now my own probs are insignificant compared to that of others

Friday, November 12, 2010

IT'S OVAH, banned myself from studying today, went to the uni gym AND then came back for a glorious 8k run. next marathon coming up soon, better trainn (literally, and metaphorically)

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

the usual pre-exam post

so... my exam is in exactly 12 hours time.

the sad fact is usually i just feel too complacent thinking i know everything already. this is HIGHLY UNTRUE since duh, why would they teach us about tropical diseases in the middle of winter snowstorms...

have been extra-cranky today. not really used to having fellow human beings around as i contemplate my impending doom. (my flatmates used to be cooped having a nice early sleep while i attempted to stuff things into my brain, with much futility). usually i chain-watch dramas to relieve stress, wish i had studied more, and earlier, etc

well this time i really tried. ive never studied this hard, or consistently, EVER. it's really been quite hard physically watching the extralectures etc etc. but you know what. i literally asked for this. so i will, and must conquer this.

just want to PASS, and pass WELL. no need deans list, deans dinner. 9-5 tomorrow. it's not even split up!
only one chance for this - let's do it.

nelson hall

just saw ivy's pics of nelson hall. i have really happy memories of that place ... so funny to feel attached to this random townhall heh. and eh i didn't realise m& a were the games masters w/ c... saw a photo with 4 of my favourite pple in the world (but actually there are sooo many i can't count. heh. and that's what i mean by counting your blessings :)). also i know, it is only beautiful becos it turned out this way. which makes it.. bitter-sweet in a way, or maybe all the more saccharinely-sweet. i can't decide.

for tonight, i dont have to though.

random warm-gooey feelings tide you through the hard times. (let's just ignore aall the notsogood times yeah). like r said during dinner today, it's nothing compared to dying children in developing countries, the exam-stress we undergo, but it's still so AAAAAAARGH. anyways just going to do what i can and pray like anything i don't phail.

the saying - good neighbors are better than distant relatives - is TRUE. and i wouldnt be able to feel touched by the distaant shows of love if i didn't also feel sufficiently embraced by this place. i got an email along w the rest of the class, with my name on the seating list. and my heart leapt a little :) warren (i think that's his name... haha) coming along and us both doing the usual moan-about-ca thing hahaha really small things just make it better.

OK. i can do this. i am the master of my fate i am the captain of my soul

Monday, November 8, 2010

Agraphia made studying microb that much more worthwhile at the usual time of 2am. pseudomonads blahblahblah vibrio blahh meningitis aaargh maybe some other night at 2am, i will be glad for the patient i am looking after on call that i bothered to learn this well

Sunday, November 7, 2010

wisdom

If any of You lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.
James 1:5.

watched 5 mins of the playful kiss special on youtube. its reaaaally humdrum but cuteness overload. Like when she made a burnt english breakfast for him hahaah. Yeah, that's prolly the anti-thesis of wisdom

wisdom is i think what i just realised, that God always, always has his plans, but it's not your job to second guess them.

know this sounds terribly cliche but there is a story behind this, which i think is not really appropriate to write here right now. i remember in rgs, when they flashed this quote during one of the english oral prep sessions

"We always thought we'd look back on our tears and laugh, but we never thought
we'd look back on our laughter and cry."


i felt a little cynical then, dont think it was a good day, worried about debate as usual, tests and performance tasks getting me down. i thought yeaHHH right. but judging from the long post i just typed (and will not make public but will keep tucked away somewhere to reminsce about someday).... that just came true. and particularly in relation to rg days. i wish i had written down every funny thing that ever transpired. and goodness how we laugh about our tears. nic's "i always revert to the age i am when i met the person. so eli for you i am sixteen and just REALLY ANGSTY ABOUT EVERYTHING" sums it up heh

but its ok. our friendships will endure forever :)

ss501 - let me be the one


was gonna post this other one named 'God will make a way' but it didn't load hahah a sign?!



Saturday, November 6, 2010

nodame cantabile

just watched the part in nodame cantabile where they spin the cellos and play the violins up in the air. hehh. can't stop smiling now. and chiaki is SOO hot when he conducts. i now wanna be a conductor.

i feel like i should make every effort to aim for perfection

this guy is just such a perfectionist (usually a quality i tend to dislike cos it means disregarding other more important things and people and SANITY for one small area of things which doesnt mean ANYTHING when you are stripped of all your material goods, etc.), and yet SO AMAZINGLY COOL.

just seeing him stalk out of his apartment all dressed up to go conducting, whack nodame when she plays sloppily, demand nothing but absolute fervor and devotion for the rest of the maddening crowd ie his orchestra that he conducts, makes me want to be like that too.

lol. i never thought i'd find myself improving myself for a fictional character in a tv show! but hey, whatever works right. it's too late to play in an orchestra/ be a conductor now :(
adversity is my best friend. gogo eli you can do this!!

as usual, it's hard, but I'LL DO IT.

(am not talking about exams. but ill ace that too. well. maybe not. SIGH)

new layout: glee

part of the one million things in life that make me happy. goodness knows i need cheering up today. in a way, i'm sort of immune to all this exam stress, but this new monster of an exam... well anyway i'm determined to prove that I CAN BEAT TEH ODDS. (i'm so scared).

how come i still dont remember anything about e coli after all this years of studying it is really beyond me.

but anyway, there is no way God would bring me this far and leave me alone. i recognise that this doesn't extend to a magical spot on the deans list; it's up to me to show my gratitude by doing well, becoming a good doctor (for once), etc

right now though it feels like a vaccum. nooooo

Friday, November 5, 2010

runaway plan b love

love stories can sometimes be cheesy, but when rain and jinny are about to be killed, the look of mingled horror and despair as he realises THEY CANNOT GET OUT OF THIS, this time, that as he shouts 'i will guard you until the end!!' he probably can't, it is heartbreaking. and in a final attempt to save her he yells "KILL ME FIRST, DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME?! KILL ME FIRST?!". really touching. talk about being willing to die for someone. they actually give like nearly 5 minutes just to this scene of rain shouting over and over again TAKE ME FIRST!! wow.

the cop and his girlfriend are really cute too! they come to investigate the suspect and knock at the door (as rain goes into histrionics and the needle inches closer to jinny's wrist), and chat to the suspect
cop: let us in!
suspect: this has nothing to do with me
the gf: do you think we are hawkers?!
cop: don't say that!
gf: sorry. it just makes me feel bad
cop: feel bad? LET'S GO IN!! -charges in by force-

soo sweeet! and the time she brought him coffee during his interrogation of rain and rain escaped with the help of the coffee stirrer.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

did two lectures in the morning, finished my ethics tutorial, had enough hours of sleep, and played sabotage with the guys in the medsoc room. good times yo. good reprieve from this neverending stresss. maybe i should feel more disturbed at the things slipping like eels out of my brain? instead i was playing card games hahaha. well it was fun

i got satisfactory for the ethics assignment and she wrote a few 'good!'s which made me all happy inside for a little while.

but the BEST THING EVER to happen is that i got published!! my poetry that is! i dont know if that will ever happen again coz the usual suspects didn't submit poems, and this is one of my better ones with good imagery and sustained metaphors (there's a lit term for this) so it's a good confluence

one thing i noticed is that this year is a series of FORTUNATE events, so so different from last year. cynic that i am i dunno how long it will laaast. but i think it's like the universe paying me back for aaall the crap, kind of like when you say IT WILL GET BETTER. this is it man.

okay, back to FAP, HNPCC, APC, etc. yes, ive studied it before, no not on the molecular Axin/ B-cat/ CSK3f and phosphorylatons here and there level.

really don't know why today i kept meeting nice smiley people. that can only be a good thing. maybe its coz i made it for the morning worship today. heh. and i'm getting closer to nicole & annthea, at least more than i thought i would when in desperation cos i knew no-one i went for the cms cell group. close enough that we can encourage each other.

Monday, November 1, 2010

studied more today than ever, but also feel like i've been run over by several large giraffes. i think this has something to do with the fact i woke up at 545am to go running.

also v nice studying today, the people make the place so pretty really. although r did laugh quite a bit when i couldnt take it anymore and declared "i'm going off to watch korean dramas now". LOL. and the other day with h at yih was nice also! the extremely small portion of ddeokbukki i had been dying to try.


Sunday, October 31, 2010

things that never fail to make me happy
1. looking at cupcake blogs. Kuidaore isn't just a cakecake blog (that would be Cupcakes Take the Cake etc etc) but OMG looking at it makes one feel like life is worth living. Don't get me wrong, I have no desire to actually eat these things. They're just sooo pretty *melts*... Plus this person actually conducts cooking classes, at holland v no less! BuT it's reaally ex =( Well one can always wish. Like maybe if i get on deans list i have some leverage (hohoho ya right)

2. home cooked fish curry :):) heck diets eh

3. making new friendss or just having people be genuinely nice. on friday - i think it was friday that is,losing track of time and dates these days LOL. there was no space outside the lt so i joined this girl at her bench - turns out she knew me, but i didn't - ooops heh. she was like "but i'm in your tutorial group!" yeah well pharmaco tutorials are usually spent hoping i don't get called on cos i really dont get pharmacokinetics and pharmacodynamics. AT ALL. andd then another guy joined us (turns out he knows my junior alex loh! not that ive ever spoken to alex but i know of his existence) and he was v friendly. yeah guess there's something bonding about the monstrosity of microb. although some might say that having an epic night out is a preferable way of bonding, i guess i wouldnt have the experience of that anw so i'm lucky ? haha

4. kpop! 'nuff said
5. this jap drama i chanced upon when really really bored of genetics shiz called nodame cantabile. it makes the heart happy :) i think even if there was no eye candy it would. it's just so PERFECT. runaway, rain's drama doesn't make me happy per se, it's just like crack la. after even one ep of this one it's like... squeeee rainbow cotton candy~

ok enough i have to revise the whole of viruses tonight to discuss with trishaa on mon! whyohwhy did i spend today sleeping and trying to make myself run? I DONT KNOW. oh, maybe cos i feel sleepy and unfit. grahhh

Friday, October 29, 2010

i think the unifying theme of the past few days has been BALANCE.

you really can't have your cake and eat it. but i doont SEE any way out.

this morning i made it to school EARLY at 8am hoping to join the varsity christian fellowship worship... well, today's the one day they dont have worship -_- nevertheless, i got a packet of coffee + a bible verse ;p heh. and my og did a bday celeb for the october people! looking at the birthday card, i am happy to say that i know MOST of the people who wrote in it, hahah.

also i have done a GOOD JOB at catching up. unfortunately i dont remember everything and certainly can't regurgitate things out in essay form. but hey, it could be faar worse. i like the fact that nat's so unapologetically on about mugging, as opposed to people who breathe down your neck going "stop being so mugger" etc... i mean ok, if you dont want to no one's forcing youu... it's actually really encouraging and motivating to have him acknowledge the xiong-ness of nus and how when i said that i'm trying but i dont know if i'm doing enough he answered "it's never enough". WHOA. such drive, yo.

but i'm really excited for hols :) IT'S COMING.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

'what do you want to do with your one wild and precious life?'

i know now :)

run paeds genetics clinics one day. 100%

mary olivier quotes
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields...Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness."

"Ten times a day something happens to me like this - some strengthening throb of amazement - some good sweet empathic ping and swell. This is the first, the wildest and the wisest thing I know: that the soul exists and is built entirely out of attentiveness."

"You can have the other words-chance, luck, coincidence, serendipity. I'll take grace. I don't know what it is exactly, but I'll take it. "

"Still, what I want in my life is to be willing to be dazzled---to cast aside the weight of facts and maybe even to float a little above this difficult world. "

"Far off in the red mangroves an alligator has heaved himself onto a hummock of grass and lies there, studying his poems." SO CUTE!!

"My work is the world. Here the sunflowers, there the hummingbird - equal seekers of sweetness. Here the quickening yeast; there the blue plums..."

"Every day I see or hear something that more or less kills me with delight, that leaves me like a needle in the haystack of light. "

across the universe

if i do one subject a day i might actually pass this. but errmm, there iS SO MUCH for each subject!! how to finish immuno in 24 hrs?! i'd have to stop breathing, sleeping, eating, laughing, crying, writing poetry... okay finee i'm sure not all of that is essential to life especially the last three... and unless i have an inborn error of metabolism i technically can go a few days without eating ;p

happy things in dec hols
1. DANCE CLASSES AGAIN GUILT-FREE
2. nic coming back + her 22ndth!! ohh the possibilities are endlessly exciting. hee.
3. standard chartered marathon!!
4. can bake guilt freeee
5. my poetry will be published by then!


Sunday, October 24, 2010

long have i waited for/ your coming home to me

Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if you lead me.
I will hold your people in my heart.
Here I am, Lord

Hosea
Come back to me with all your heart
Don’t let fear keep us apart
Trees do bend though straight and tall
So must we to others call


Long have I waited for
Your coming home to me
And living deeply our new life


The wilderness will lead you
To the place where I will speak
Integrity and justice
With tenderness
You shall know.
~
21st. LOL i still feel like i'm in kindergarten

i resolve to
1. be a happier person
2. run more
3. be on the deans list... no deans dinner... no, well, just to pass respectably, and so that my deans dinner cg mate will not be too ashamed to be in my cg... hahaha
4. to bake cinnamon rolls, for REAL, one day
5. to always be able to see the happy things in life
6. to be a better poet, and publish a book one day (HAHA. dream onnn)
7. to find my direction in life, and where i want to specialize in, and make that dream come true.
8. to never let anyone down again (at least not in this year. one step at a time!)
9. be a better catholic (read, wake up in time for 810am rosary)
10. to be a better daughter
11. to stop whining about things
12. to stop needing people to comfort and counsel me, but to be a good comforter and counsellor
13. to love more people platonically, and to guard my heart better14. to become a person i can be proud of, and be able to live with myself and my decisions (i think i am, right now :D)
14. to do more cool stuff, HAHA
15. to always be positive and fun to be around (as opposed to being a sucking black hole of doom)
16. to never stop writing poetry during lecturers
17. to stop buying banana balls in school!!!!!!
18. to make the world a better place.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

come home running, just as you are

happy things
1. the cake and bear
2. the lecturer explaining the ins and outs of hepatitis after the lecture. it was actually really illuminating and something i was genuinely curious about
3. the catholic medical society people (whom i really hardly know) singing happy birthday to me when i only came back into the lt to get the bear which i left behind.ithink that was really sweet of them becos i dont deserve such niceness from them really with my errr great commitment to the society, NOT
4. getting picked up everyday from lt 29 :):) this is irreplaceable. you cant get this anywhere else in the world. i love these one of a kind things.
5. the cats lying all over nus, snoozing away, getting pissed if people step on their tails. (im assuming, i dont think anyone really dares to)
6. the funny lecturers who love to put really irrelevant cartoons on their slides to keep us awake.
7. the guys, who are hands down the funniest people i've EVER met
8. the seniors notes which make me feel very secure hahaha. the aunty who told me i could pay her the 14 bucks another day if i didnt have enough money (so trusting!?)
9. the girls. all of them. what can i say, bff is bff and i hope it stays that way aalways. nic and i had a particularly nice convo yesterday, and michelle is absolute love.
10. kpop, and RAIN. his song titles are quite amusing too "it's raining" "how to avoid the sun"
11. my laptop is fixed! wonder what anti-virals they used ;p
12. also apparently, if ravi can apparate, he'll get many girlfriends. HAHAHA. isuppose it must be an impressive feat huh. the guys have the most amazing selective hearing probs ;p

"Oh heart of mine, come back home
You've been too long out on your own
He's been there all along
Watching for you down the road

So come
home running,
His arms are open wide
His name is Jesus, he understands
He is the answer you're looking for."
- Chris Tomlin

please let everything be okay, forever and ever

Friday, October 22, 2010

hehe today was a really good day!! friends making me feel loved, lots of excitement (LOLOL), rather productive study, RUNNING, and caught up with colin on msn. he's really an interesting dude i have to say, but definitely extremely sweet.

guh, its 1am now. i give up on hepatitis viruses, good night world.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

had great company today for mugging at the music lib and later for the adolescent health talk. paeds and psych made for an inspiring finish to a rather long day of anti bacterial pharmaco stuff. i'm glad i went ;)

people kept asking h and p and me where the concert halls were and things. lol, do we look particularly like musically talented people? also half of the people studying there were our batchmates. it's a really pretty place. i took a break to eat an apple and sat outside on a wooden-bench thing. green foliage and glass and concrete and the fog. it was a nice day, it really was:)

lab was particularly illuminating, we get to see malaria up close and stuff. it's quite cute, the ring forms make it look like the RBC are wearing headphones. sometimes two headphones in one cell!

oh during lunch my bag was on the floor, and c & r walking past were like "she likes it on the floor" HAHAHA. guys!!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

everything is for good

the words which i so carelessly threw around "things will get better", etc, actually did come true.

i think one year ago alot of us were stuck in massive ruts. going in circles, we couldn't do anything. now we have a magical, golden chance to make everything better. don't give up, hope is really around the corner. i was right, i was right.

i just wish that i could go back in time & comfort myself, looking at the falling darkness out upon the rooftops at this time a year ago. tell myself my wildest dream WOULD come true, that the cycle of things CAN be changed. and in wishing that - somehow everything becomes better.

it just seems so perfect somehow.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

malassezia furfur is sucha cute name. but it causes a notsocute diease called tinea versicolor - white patches all over the skin. the alternative name is pityriasis, which is rather more apt than furfur.

~

i'm sitting in the same seat in the library computer room i always sit in, but the things i feel are nearly a 180degree change. i don't worry any longer about finding a place in the world, i don't feel frustrated at studying the same things over again (we've gone so much further off track that i feel i'm now exploring mars). The other day I told hanyu "I think I might actually fail" "No la you won't!" me *dangling the set of notes on parasitology* "eR, looking at this, actually YEAH i might..." And I hadn't even so much as looked at it yet. Eurgh. Strangely enough, the feeling of inadequacy and needing to conquer information is... empowering. I have found solid ground :) I also have only three weeks until my first exam. I feel horror and stress, but it's something I'm USED to, yknow? I like this feeling in an odd way.

So I think, what I have to do is different now. I no longer have this big barrier between me and making a difference in the world, I don't have to worry so much about my obligations, cos I HAVE NONE LEFT. It's SUCH a relief you have no idea. I need to start doing things to Give Back. And I will.

after i finish mugging coccidioidomycosis. zzzzzz

Saturday, October 16, 2010

im so glad for the location of the empty seat in the lt!

one of the hundred innenduoes that we hear everyday:

me: *referring to bacteria tables* is it that every column is an organism, and there are just a lot of organisms?
c: did you just say that every column is an orgasm!?!!

for the record: NO OF COURSE NOT haha

life may get complicated sometimes but i definitely dont feel alone these days. esp with lotss of girltalk.

and for michelle yeo, i am 100x grateful. for being able to say everything and knowing i have someone thinking logically on my behalf, is invaluable.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

having a really productive session in the lib - NOT.

I think the way forward is not to let anything affect one. there simply isnt any time to angst or anything like that. furthermore, I don't really want to know the truth sometimes, be it about the past present or future. So just take everything as it comes, and with major pinches of salt. saw some pics on fb and missed some people acutely. But what I'm missing was loooong gone. We aren't those people anymore. I'd miss it wherever I was. I really dont know who to blame for what. All I know is that happiness is possible, for everyone. And that maybe today I made a step towards that.

With every step forwards, there's two steps in another direction. Backwards? Diagonally? Who knows, really.


there was a time i felt really bored, like, crap, i know all this stuff, what am i doing here?!

well, today's helminths lecture has CHANGED ALL THAT. (the lecturer is really awesome). but beyond that... there is SO MUCH I DONT KNOW. about helminths that is. and everything else. noooo!

today was quite a good day i think.

for whoever's interested
a) sporing anaerobes
CLOSTRIDIA
- c. difficile
- c. tetani --> lockjaw
drumstick like appearance microscopically

- c. botulinum
- c. perfringens --> GAS GANGRENE (mmyonecrosis, crepitus, air seen on x ray, can have systemic shock)
local signs- pain, discoloration, fluid filled blebs
people who have war wounds/ RTA/ vascular disease --> amputation
use the nagler plate with egg yolk and antitoxin for diagnosis

nonsporing
too many, in a v disorganised jumble
includes: actinomyces israelii: actinomycosis
fusobacterium necrophorum

this is still fine. but the TWO HELMINTHS LECTURES.... wow no words. after that, we had a guy who was really enthusiastic about epidemiology, for a VERY LONG TIME. also, there was a milo truck outside. i really felt like i was facing mirages in the desert.

on the bright side, the guys all looked very cool in their suits today. conclusion: suiting up always works! im not sure how many girls they managed to jio, a la barney style, but hey at least they looked good! and the girls who did too - respect to them. especially in the heat here lol.

Monday, October 11, 2010

the x factor

sometimes i really wonder what led to the great friendships that ive had. i know i bitch alot about them sometimes but when you're just beginning to form new ones, it's then that you realise the factors which led you guys together were literally magical. things which can't be replicated. on an interesting note, haemophilus influenzae requires the x AND v factor to grow on chocolate agar, but haemophilus ducreyi only requires the X FACTOR. haha sorry i thought that was v cute.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

cause that's the only way i know how to feel

things do get better dont they :)

anyways i finally got to the HACEK group everyone's been talking about. it's totally shite. c'mon, actinobacillus actinomycetemcomitans?!!

the gospel today was about the 9 ungrateful lepers. and the one grateful one.
i hope i'm not being an ingrate, by reserving my gratefulness for hindsight? as in i really am happy with what ive got, logistics and bumpy roads notwithstanding.

Tie my handlebars to the stars so I stay on track

the bench by the canal is fast becoming my fav spot, usually cos it means i can take a break from running:

what really befuddles me is how so quickly i could look at my life in edin with rose colored glasses when i spent most of my time in edin looking at sg with rose colored glasses!?! also, when i read back, im fairly sure i had some serious editing going on. there's one entry in october about a day which i remember quite clearly and what i wrote was something like: SUNSHINE AND PANCAKES! YAY! haha

anyways i resolve to finish spiral bacteria, and hopefully all the tb shiz, by sunday 10pm at night. and then DRIVE MYSELF TO SCHOOL, and say the rosary with the cms people. really i should get to know them better and be a good catholic girl. and when i get on the deans list, i can teach sunday school to cute little kids!! yeahhh one can dream

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Chuck: "I destroyed the only thing I ever loved."
Blair: "I don't love you anymore ... but it takes more than even you to destroy Blair Waldorf."
Chuck: "Your world would be easier if I didn't come back."
Blair: "That's true. But it wouldn't be my world without you in it."

aww! v nice chill night catching up on my favourite tv shows! gossip girl, glee, himym make for a very very happy me:) also i am v amused by some things, but i think it will turn out fine. AT LEAST, I HOPE SO.

Friday, October 8, 2010

metronidazole treats antibiotic associated pseudomembranous colitis!

some interesting points,
the test for syphillis is called dark ground illumination
there are a few manifestations
1. neurosyphillis (meningovascular/ general paralysis of the insane, tubes dorsalis- this involves loss of sensation esp in the feet/ joints/ falling over in the dark)
2. gummatous syphilis (holes in mucous membranes/skin/ tongue/ bone)
3. congenital syphilis (hutchinson's triad eg notched inscirors, clouding of the conea, 8th nerve deafness)
4. cardiovascular syphilis - aortitis of the thoracic aorta, aortic incompetence, aortic aneurysm

serology
1 non-treponemal antibody tests (VDRL)
2 treponmal tests

treatment - benzylpenicillin

the world breaks everyone

“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.”

– Ernest Hemingway

very true. sometimes i find strength i never knew i had. but then i always also find weaknesses i never knew i had, either.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

today my sole broke before pbp and praba was reallyreally kind to go to the co-op to buy superglue!! so sweeet of her :) the simulated patient was really amusing and thoroughly traumatised the second person

also i had an epiphany halfway through pbp when we were discussing empathy and all that. something along the lines of, all this shiz in my life is actually going to make me a better doctor. okay, that doesn't sound very poetic, but the sentiment stands. the warmfuzzy feelings soon faded as i had to walk the loooong way back to school and then try to delude myself into doing my ethics tutorial for tomorrow. sigh.

Monday, October 4, 2010

- as i ran along the canal which always makes me think of paris i felt like i was flying
- the starry lights on the hdb blocks were lined up in perfect order and the cars went by like planets on speed

Thursday, September 30, 2010

i must document that today was a really happy day :):)

thank God for the hundreds of small things that make me me, im beginning to understand why i had to overcome so many trials to mould my character to be this way. for sending people to tell me that people like me for me and not cos they're just being nice for the sake of being nice. (well, i hope so!!) hahaha.

study looms over me, i cant rmb a thing. oh, duchenne's is x linked recessive. that's all i know! haha. just now i asked the guys "which is the thing with the B-2 microglobulin, is that the T cell receptor?" NO. PHAIL. it's the MHC (either class I or II, phail, i've forgotten!!) also have to listen to all the pharmaco drug lectures, what on earth is a quantal response?? i dont knowww.

chinmaya: i dont think eli is that kind of girl to gossip
ravi: that's because she doesn't know anyone! how to gossip?!

this amused me greatly

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

funny stuff

me: i'm thinking of starting baking again
hanyu: did you say DATING?!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

sigh, Life.

on my dear old laptop that was my best (inanimate) friend and source of entertaintment for the past two years, found some quotes i stored away (aswell as my crazy immuno notes)

i like this one:
When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.

can attest to that, 100% :)

listening to: 2pm - don't stop can't stop. ULTIMATE MOTIVATING SONG
it may be a rainy day but i'm happy. i think this has something to do with kaya waffles. (and company) & happy smses :)
for once, i'm doing the right thing. unequivocally.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

hahaha. i realised i haven't changed at ALL fundamentally. at most i've become a more kind person. which does have to account for something. but in all other respects, most unfortunately, i've retained aLL my bad habits.

i really wish it could be different, but hmmm i guess not, huh? nevermind, it's really not like i'm not used to this anyway. coping mechanisms 101. right up my alley :)

ps watching webcasts is like watching korean dramas. HAHA.
pps sending strange messages to people at 2am in the morning? not reccomended.
ppps two hours of teratogenesis and malformations = UGH. but finishing 20 hours of lectures in two weeks? A PERSONAL RECORD. note: most of this i actually havent studied before. at least the things you have to memorise i haven't studied before.

so true

Oh, you're going to laugh alright, eli, but not just at the funny clothes you wore, or by the unrecognized angels in your midst. But at how close you were when you thought yourself far, how much more strength you had when you thought yourself weak, and how easy life was when you thought it hard.

Stitches...
The Universe

~
i can't remember if i've mentioned this before, but i wanna thank kamin for being the coolest bollywood star i've ever met. or at least, the CLOSEST to bollywood stardom i'll get to meeting ;p heh. as everyone knows, I love bollywood, so knowing kamin has been nothing short of awesomeness. i'll remember him explaining his ideas for dances while playing and re-playing mast kalander/ shava shava nonstop, discussing ssc with him (i will never be able to do a critical analysis of a journal article without thinking of kamin and jensen. i am doomed la, how many times am i going to do that for the rest of my life!! hahah). i'll remember going through anatomy practicals with him (and all the guys copying from my book), walking to the gym with him, him walking us back all the time cos he stays next door, all the times he listened to all my long epics (ok, so i did inflict them on many people, but he always gave such sagely comments and never judged me. or at least he didnt show his judgement. LOL). i'll remember his general blurness and most of all his niceness and coolness and kamin-ness. :) AND for lending me his key to put stuff in when i moved house. i'll really miss you kamin.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

the funny thing about this all is how everything reminds me of something else.

also i met xt for gymming yesterday, was fun catching up :) i need to stop re-telling things, cos things always seem more exciting in the re-telling, but i can't help it!! haha you'd think i'd learnt my lesson by now but NO. also, gossiping whilst doing the thigh adduction thingy is so wronG coz firstly, it's like the o&g position, secondly, you do a lot more than you expected to do, thirdly, the next day your muscles will hurt superbly.

on my way back from somewhere sometime reccently, david called, unfortunately i couldnt hear half of anything he said. so our conversation went like this
d: i want to study in london!
me: how about liverpool or manchester! there's football!
d: oh, and also i'd like to go to walking with dinosaurs (random right???)
me, not hearing clearly: you dont have to study in london to go to buckingham palace!!
him: huh??
me: huh??

later
me: i'm going to get an iphone!
d: are you going to get an iphone4?
me: did you really just ask me what i want an iphone FOR?! huh, i just want an iphone cos i want an iphone la!..

the other day, i was eating a banana ball from the canteen. its uber yummy btw
nat: oh, that stall sells nice waffles
me: oh, really, how nice, what're the wafers made of?
nat: ... what's the waffle made of? whatever waffles are made of la...!

lol. i think i should stop listening to music on earphones, possibly.

Monday, September 20, 2010

being to timelessness as it's to time

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

This Amazing Day - by e.e. cummings - always thought to myself that if my greatest wish came true, I would splash this poem everywhere. *splashes* ofcos I don't think I quite imagined it as mugging in the science library... hahah but the idea is there. "and for everything which is natural which is infinite which is yes"

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Chester
by John Koethe



Wallace Stevens is beyond fathoming, he is so strange; it
is as if he had a morbid secret he would rather perish than
disclose . . .
—Marrianne Moore to William Carlos Williams


Another day, which is usually how they come:
A cat at the foot of the bed, noncommittal
In its blankness of mind, with the morning light
Slowly filling the room, and fragmentary
Memories of last night's video and phone calls.
It is a feeling of sufficiency, one menaced
By the fear of some vague lack, of a simplicity
Of self, a self without a soul, the nagging fear
Of being someone to whom nothing ever happens.
Thus the fantasy of the narrative behind the story,
Of the half-concealed life that lies beneath
The ordinary one, made up of ordinary mornings
More alike in how they feel than what they say.
They seem like luxuries of consciousness,
Like second thoughts that complicate the time
One simply wastes. And why not? Mere being
Is supposed to be enough, without the intricate
Evasions of a mystery or offstage tragedy.
Evenings follow on the afternoons, lingering in
The living room and listening to the stereo
While Peggy Lee sings "Is That All There Is?"
Amid the morning papers and the usual
Ghosts keeping you company, but just for a while.
The true soul is the one that flickers in the eyes
Of an animal, like a cat that lifts its head and yawns
And looks at you, and then goes back to sleep.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Spent today falling asleep in a tutorial on coffee -_- klearly this place is cooler than they make it out to be. heh it was actually an epidemiology lesson and the tutor was really engaging.

it just takes some time
little girl you're in the middle of the ride
everything everything will be just fine
everything everything will be alright, alright
- jimmy eat world

Sunday, September 12, 2010

dedications

really. thank you guys

weiyang -who definitely reads this - thank you for being sucha good friend. ican tell that you're truly happy for me. thanks for everything man. the msn convos, the always being there, even the part where you encouraged me to go and work out. HAHA. that's the test of a great friend in my book ;p anyway. i will miss you la.

jensen - whenever i think back about edinburgh, i realize that it would have been totally different had we not been such good friends. there are so many memories it would take too long to list. swimming/ salsa/ cooking stuff/ you coming over to the flat/ cupcakes/ studying in the library/ you & may discussing singsoc stuff in my room lolol/ millions of msn chats/ coffee/ muffins/ starbucks/ deacon house/ kilimanjaro/ SKIP stuff (lol)/ the ssc projects we did together :) haha see clearly i could go on forever. thanks. you really are the best :):)

may - you've been a BRILL housemate and friend!! omg i cant even say how great it's been. all the girltalk in the kitchen, our cooking endeavours - ondeh ondeh with ash, pork meatballs HAHA. all the times when we come back and are too buzzed up to go sleep so we end up talking in the kitchen & always end up talking about the same stuff, the every-morning rush to lectures & each of us taking it in turns to be late hehe. the project at the western & having lunch tog everyday during summer! just absolutely everyything. the moving house bit was crazy, including the one-night stopover hehe so thank you so much for being a part of all my random nonsense heh. and listening to all my stuff, and just being so wacky and fun! and you defo made me go out more than ANYONE has ever done! thanks for making yr 2 in particular super fun for me :) ash too! thank you for being sucha understanding housemate! :):) & for always inspiring me to go gym hehe . and all the flat dinners we had together!
gill! thanks for all the listening ears and good cheer, and always encouraging me/ reminding me to go to mass! diana as well, and nadia! haha the edinburgh catholics! gill - thank you for being yourself - absolutely hilarious, wacky, offbeat, yet always cheerful and optimistic. it's really amazing & i really admire you for it. i was really looking forward to staying with you! you always make people around you smile & be happy so i hope you stay that way always!

nadia, jay: you guys always make things happening & fun! and HAHA nadia + weiyang makes for SUCH an interesting combination i must say. thank you for being so awesome & all the fantastic conversations we've had! jay: you were my one link to rj/ singapore when i first went. if i hadn't flown there with you, i wouldve been ten times more scared lol. thank you so much for making edinburgh an instantly familiar place & making it feel more like home to me :):)

ivy, jo - i am SO glad i joined your cell grp at the beginning of yr 1 with av & rae, or i wouldnt have had such wise and lovely seniors to always give me good counsel. everytime i had problems and went to you guys, it always felt so much better thereafter, i felt like i was more aligned with what God wants me to do and not just following my own whims and fancies and basically just going down wrong paths. i'm really really lucky to have had you guys guiding me in the right direction and learning from you guys during bible studies!
hianliang - thank you for all the help rendered - advice, car lifts to move my stuff so many times + actually helping me carry things up the 101 stairs. thank you for being sucha good cell leader and brother in Christ, for answering all my really random questions and smses, i know i bugged you a lot, haah i was really blur and stufff in yr 1 esp. thank you for the friendship and the chats over coffee? etc!

COLIN - i've only known you for a year but it actually feels like foreveR. looking back maybe i wish i wasn't so teasing and didnt kachao you so much, should have been nicer LOL. but then it may not have been so fun hanging out ya. thank you for making my year 2 so much more tolerable and fun. i seem to rmb studying in RIE A LOT with you, although actually i dont think it was thaaat much. it actually seems weird to go to the lib and not see rows of comps and see you (+/- glen) sitting there, or not to take the free shuttle bus back, or to not have someone wrestle and hijack my comp from me.

ikhur, rita, huihui, shiwen etc... although i didnt hang out with you guys that much, it was really fantastic to get to know you guys. thanks for always being such cheery/ pleasant people, and listening to alll my goings-on hehehe esp ikhur & rita. rita - paris trip + all the studying in yr one was vv fun! and all the academic family stuff, hahaha.

Monday, August 30, 2010

i have this to say

Luke 13:24 Make every effort to enter through the narrow door, because many, I tell you, will try to enter and will not be able to. (NIV).

so yes. you have to try for it.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

i love atwood. year of the flood is so so amazing.

manyun's 21st! LOL she really pulled it off in 5 days. see it wasn't so bad, all the planning and stuff! hahaha. but quite stress, dont think i'll do one for my own. nevertheless, fun :) never decorated for an event before by myself. manyun, in the flurry of preparations "just go down and use your discretion!" the floating tealights were v pretty tho

the road ahead is not clear. its the expecting, and hope, and thinking this is it everytime that really gets to me. sure, nothing's perfect or unmarred, but that's the beauty in it, in a sense. i'm sure You understand, even if they dont, what ive been going through mostly alone, and everytime i cracked and told someone, how it keeps coming back to kick me. i'm sure You alone understand every single facet,and that eventually, not just at the end of it all, but along the way, there will be pockets of it all being ok, random flower-filled happinesses. yesterday all the songs were my fav. heh.

and the last - the prayer of st francis - make me a channel ofyour peace
i will try harder, i promise

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

.... because i think blasphemy is not good, i shall take this all as an exercise in non-attachment. maybe non-attachment to the state of non-attachment? anyway, that's shorthand for, nothing has changed and i still dont understand my life.

i suppose, HOPE is a good thing. yknow, without hope life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly. no i dont think that's the exact quote. with every move made on the reversi board, everything keeps changing. so is it going to be all black, or all white? i keep changing my plans and aspirations to suit.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

SALT IS AMAZING. angelina jolie is AWESOME. ok, apparently there are some new revelations about her past or whatever. people, just watch the movie. she is SO HOT AND KICKS SO MUCH ASS. literally. kicks heads, too. and killing the guy when she was IN CHAINS, and causing entire highway pileups when in handcuffs? although to be fair, if i put my mind to it i could definitely cause highway pileups just by driving at sleepy midday in sg.

and jumping from moving van to moving van, keeping her cool and suddenly blasting away when the time is right. what can i say but WOW.

manyun <3! i hope she has an uber cool 21st but can she plan one in 5 days? actually knowing her, probably if she so intends heh. i feel so grownup usually but yesterday i felt like i was 15 again (especially at LIDO, place of our filmings and movie star spotting escalators.) and was nice meeting preetha again too! days of bubble tea and sushi and popcorn

soon will be starbucks with d, talk about being 15/ 16 again.... luckily with 1/2 the life/ r/s/ maths angst. in fact, right now, i have NO ANGST. WOW. what an unprecedented and rare circumstance. except the fact that i had to wake up at 530am to go for 7am mass, which makes me really sleepy and unhappy (the waking up early bit not the religion bit). grr. anyways it's finee coz it's sunday! actually since im on hols everyday seems like sunday lol. and the sermon was really good. although the guy just wants us to donate to his church (and leading to religious issues about doing business in church?) personally i dont reaaally suscribe to prosperity preaching but i think there's no way you will get CONDEMNEd for donating to church stuff. i mean how much you can afford to give depends on your discretion... but anyway who are we to judge anyway....

apart from the business stuffs the sermon was about some kaypoh or genuinely curious or guilty-conscienced people asking "Lord, how many will be saved?" and he said "Try your best to get in through the narrow door, for I tell you, many will try and not get in... When the door is locked, the Master of the House will say, I do not know you, away with you, wicked men! And there will be weeping and grinding of teeth" Don't you just love the language of the Bible for starters? It always sounds so grand and perfectly phrased. Even for a sobering passage telling you your life sucks and you'd better buck up or suffer eternal consequences. anyway i dont think they have much to worry about. it's NOVENA. even bangladeshi workers go there to pray, if they have miracles happening to them (which i tend not to doubt, i mean.... NOVENA), i'm sure they'd be grateful to give back. true that people go there to pray for help so likely money's tight, but sometimes they pray for health and these people could be rich, who knows. money can't buy good prognoses or good luck or stave off incompetent but smooth-talking doctors. furthermore i think those who have little sometimes are more inclined to give all they have (maybe, less to lose overall too? its quite sayang to give away 2 million) while people who have alot will think carefully about where to spend their money. not to judge i suppose. and i still want to teach kids sunday school. evidently i havent been scarred enough by how we literally tortured the long-suffering andy in primary three.... but wont be able to do sunday school til i graduate -_-

plans in the works involve treetop walks with nic and nandita! and vivo after! :)

Friday, August 20, 2010

3n

(coz meeting class people yesterday reminded me of it... haha. koped from matt's blog)

walking into bio lab last year.. we find a surprise test on our tables..
ms hor: ok class! as you can see, today we will be having a surprise test! (:
adam: ok we're surprised. can we go now?

random morning assembly 2006..
hanx: Ryan.. your bag's crushing my bag
ryan: Now.. isn't that sweet?

[Chem lab]
MrTham: You guys must always wash your burette! You never know, maybe the previous user got really bad results, then -pui!- into the burette..
Elizabeth: He's giving us ideas.

[Chem lesson]
MrTham: Steric hindrance!! The backside too big, then cannot have backside attack.. ... you need to cleave it first!
Matthias: -alarmed tone- Huh? Need to clean it first?!

[Chem lecture]
lecturer: ... and then you'll see one miscible layer..
ryan: huh? one miserable layer?

one day, trackers and crossers were called for a meeting near the GO after assembly. matt, abby, eli are late for class...
mr tan: why are you all late?
matt/abby/eli: err.. we had a meeting
mr tan: joash also had the meeting but how come he's here already?
abby: oh coz we're in cross country, he's a sprinter.

(i regret to say the last one took me awhile to get. HAHA. its also my fav, and reflects the personalities of all involved excellently. LOL LOL LOL) ps abby and matt, if not for you guys pushing me, i would never have joined crosscountry. tho i stayed the longest in it, lol. THANK YOU so much for that :)

ts eliot- preludes

I
The winter evening settles down
With smell of steaks in passageways.
Six o'clock.
The burnt-out ends of smoky days.
And now a gusty shower wraps
The grimy scraps
Of withered leaves about your feet
And newspapers from vacant lots;
The showers beat
On broken blinds and chimneypots,
And at the corner of the street
A lonely cab-horse steams and stamps.
And then the lighting of the lamps.

II

The morning comes to consciousness
Of faint stale smells of beer
From the sawdust-trampled street
With all its muddy feet that press
To early coffee-stands.

With the other masquerades
That times resumes,
One thinks of all the hands
That are raising dingy shades
In a thousand furnished rooms.
III

You tossed a blanket from the bed
You lay upon your back, and waited;
You dozed, and watched the night revealing
The thousand sordid images
Of which your soul was constituted;
They flickered against the ceiling.
And when all the world came back
And the light crept up between the shutters
And you heard the sparrows in the gutters,
You had such a vision of the street
As the street hardly understands;
Sitting along the bed's edge, where
You curled the papers from your hair,
Or clasped the yellow soles of feet
In the palms of both soiled hands.
IV
His soul stretched tight across the skies
That fade behind a city block,
Or trampled by insistent feet
At four and five and six o'clock;
And short square fingers stuffing pipes,
And evening newspapers, and eyes
Assured of certain certainties,
The conscience of a blackened street
Impatient to assume the world.

I am moved by fancies that are curled
Around these images, and cling:
The notion of some infinitely gentle
Infinitely suffering thing.

Wipe your hand across your mouth, and laugh;
The worlds revolve like ancient women
Gathering fuel in vacant lots.

~
this reminds me of lit class and adam. but there are only christmas cards at home and a small pad of notepaper so seeing as i wasn't sure if any friendship would extend to receiving a going away card with "many happy returns of the season" and a snowman... there wasn't enough space on the note i did use. haha. but there were cookies involved! :) other memories involve chinese crocodiles, not managing to blow up the chem lab, and trying not to be tempted into buying zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance.

ps: i LOVE ps cafe. that place is so perfect for girly conversations about risque topics ;p i think i may be plausibly banned from it for life, or maybe the waiters know just to eavesdrop more at my table by now... that may explain the soliticious filling of glasses and constant parade of fries past our table. or maybe the people at the next table had just run a trialathon and were ravenously hungry. lots of warmfuzzy feelings yesterday, and iam hoping i get to be a bridesmaid with others all in the colors of the rainbow in bavaria! and i will make a michael cake for the hen party i promise! plus make the montage to that elton john song. <3 nic and nandita :)

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

just chilling at home in the middle of the day is such a nice unexpected thing. i think im just pathologically lazy. except its not rly chilling coz the aircon isnt working. IN SINGAPORE. I HAVE NO AIR CON. YES. it's ridiculous.

nearly threw away all my lit essays by accident. A or B+++. i need to be more organized clearly.

colorful things are so pretty. some people have elegant and sparse styles, read: good taste. well, i dont haha. i just like anything colorful and preferably with ridiculous patterns. i <3 polka dots, swirly lines, ruffles, etc.

just one of those posts where you reflect on the niceness of things to cheer yourself up. meeting the girls soon yay!!

michelle says: FOCUS. on what?? maybe on baking. i sincely hope i dont blow up the flat next year. i think i might have finished jumping through hoops, like all my trials by fire have finished to give a nice product. of perfection and utopia and things. but you never know. probably not.

but i know now, it's all in the asking. HAVE i grown wiser. HAVE i found peace? do even monks have peace? who knows. not all of them.

i think i HAVE to go somewhere exotic next yr or i will really kill myself. if i have to go myself i will. i just need to go. this stupid eternal search for meaning -_-
the tendancy is to want a thousand things to compensate for what you can't get. well duh. retail therapy yo. cept my budget and conscience here is limited,so that makes for slightly more depressing retail therapy where you cant actually buy anything, which DEFEATS THE PURPOSE.

i want to travel to florence, vienna, germany, wales, ireland. oh and did i mention greece, korea, japan, taiwan? and india, nepal, egypt. i think i need to start buying lottery. or maybe start digging for gold.

anyway,scratch that, i dont think the days of angst were as rose-filled as my hazy memories make them out to be. so no, i dont really want that back. im just going to enjoy the clinical years coz those days of torture were FOR THIS. ps i really like these free days with nothing to account for and no-one to account to, as long as you frame things properly. mind-storms come and go, but so it goes.

reading at kino yest - margaret atwood's after the flood - brilliant. and some more of norwegian wood. i love haruki murakami's writing. then went with david to watch adam at esplanade. the world is really small is all i can say. met abby and gerald there too! maybe when i retire from a glorious career in medicine (ha!) i'll set up a bakery cum bookshop. and donate bread to the poor. i wanted to set up a hospital for poor people but ah i think i'll never be rich enough. so nevermind. i'll just give them bread. and cake, a la marie antoinette.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

aurgh *stabs self*. honestly..... everything just keeps on going in circles. i refuse to change my priorities until everything i have is everything i want! REFUSE. i also invite anyone who quotes the quote "when a door is closed, a window opens" to spend a few days in my shoes. the hurricane of doors and windows opening and closing, as well as trompe l'oeil windows is a sight to behold.

sometimes i don't even know who or what to blame. pessimism suits me better. words dont mean anything. empty words 'it will get better' 'the good times are coming' 'maybe it's like once you turn the corner it will be ok'. material things fade quickly and lose their lustre. so don't even bother.

on a happier note... people i MUST MUST meet up with
- manyun
- nandita
- nic
- sharon
- rusydi

ps: baked cookies the other night. SUCCESS. :)

Monday, August 16, 2010

i think i can safely conclude that my life is royally messed up. for a moment i thought i might be actually depressed, but nah. unfortunately, it truly does suck. i dont feel stupid for my blind gratitude, but much like all material accquisitions, the shiny new laccquer's more than worn off. thank goodness for terrible contrition as fr j told me i have everything i could ask for. so all my attempts at thanking God when mired in deep, deep crap, weren't deluded and uneccessary. so, i've made the attempt, i think it's time i jolly well did whatever i want to.

which i have been doing. haha. everything is elusive and ephemeral, what's new. i think time makes memories TOO rosy. but there's plenty more back there that should be ignored forever. life is pretty sweet right now honestly. the only thing is i keep regretting things i failed to do. not sure if it makes it better or worse to know that i couldn't have done anything about any of them. but at least it's not like being in a battlefield where everything i do seems consistently wrong. yeah. i think next yr i should spend less time thinking on this point and more time making things go smoothly. it's really hard though.

edin has been so good to me in many ways i completely forgot what it means to spend everyday thinking that shit will befall me constantly; what it means to not expect anything from anyone but keep on running with your head held high though actually you feel like you're being flagellated by a thousand jellyfish. i mean of cos it hasn't been perfection or smooth seas all the way, clearly. but somehow it just seems like it is underlying goodness. i can't explain it.

i wonder who it is out there, who can accept this thing fully formed, who has endured these few years better than me. i wonder who it is and whether i should envy, or thank my lucky stars. i wonder what i could have done better, i wonder if i had any more left in me to make any difference. i wonder why time stops somehow when i'm trudging home at midnight alone, i wonder whether i am condemned for the times things got too much, and i behaved wrongly. i wonder if all those count in the greater scheme of things. i wonder if i trust anyone anymore, or not. but thanks matt & colin & may for the great company that night, a microcosm of people who care and actually enjoy my company, without me having to make any great effort, is really really more precious than gold in times of uncertainty. thank you colin for being there most of year 2, thank you for the secrets i entrusted to you when it was too heavy for me to carry the burdens myself, thank you for remembering and checking up on it. thank you may for all the late night chats in the kitchen or our rooms heh. and the extremely spontaneous outings? and the baking exploits. thank you matt for all the hilarity which made my week, the msn chats, trying to protect my secrets (HAHA), and always being there.

Friday, August 13, 2010

sometimes it feels like someone hacked into my life, and rendered it unrecognisable. which is actually in many ways TRUE. i really should stop giving people the passwords to do so. as in literally the passwords.

anyway! as my parents have been commenting, i seem to be playing all day long. heh. a lot of dance classes, meetups, bookshops... gill's bbq and sending rayner off (at 3am!!), meeting adam and the rather mad time yesterday at matt's place. alll my favourite singaporean boys heh. 4 doses in such a short time is really quite a lot but i'm glad for it :) as may and i lay on the couch clutching our stomachs at matt and colin arguing over the cam, i realised how much i will miss their special chemistry. HAHA. notice, i dont even say chemistry with me, but the two of them together create comedy gold. i suppose not the highbrow witty type eh but the side-splittingly funny type. yeah, that's good enough in a world full of uncertainty and shit. give me that any day. NO MORE OF THAT FOR ONE YEAR. arghhh. colin will undoubtedly live in rie but ahh no more friday night comedy :( i think the dinner with the over-helpful waiter was particularly classic. but it's a hard fight.

it's not really healthy/ usual to over-think the past anyway but sending people off has reminded me again of the freshness and excitingness of going overseas for the first time to study. hopes and expectations and things.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Sometimes it Happens
And sometimes it happens that you are friends and then
You are not friends,
And friendship has passed.
And whole days are lost and among them
A fountain empties itself.

And sometimes it happens that you are loved and then
You are not loved,
And love is past.
And whole days are lost and among them
A fountain empties itself into the grass.

And sometimes you want to speak to her and then
You do not want to speak,
Then the opportunity has passed.
Your dreams flare up, they suddenly vanish.

And also it happens that there is nowhere to go and then
There is somewhere to go,
Then you have bypassed.
And the years flare up and are gone,
Quicker than a minute.

So you have nothing.
You wonder if these things matter and then
As soon you begin to wonder if these things matter
They cease to matter,
And caring is past.
And a fountain empties itself into the grass.
- Brian Patten

now is the season of sending people off. part 2, that is. it's like re-living all the anxiety of going to live overseas alone for the first time. all the hopes and dreams.

for some reason, i am posting unfinished drafts.to maybe recognise the validity of feelings. i can't comphrehend why sadness brings joy and joy sadness or maybe not such a strong word. something more mellow. but there it is. i need a place to remember each feeling because behind everything is two sides of a coin. or something.

it is extremely hot here

sending people off has made me (not uncharacteristically) quite philosophical/ thoughtful/ the works. or maybe it's just these particular people that make my brain go along a certain train of thought heh. and other people just boggle my mind.

i suppose, for some reason, everything i never wanted to happen to me either carefully suspended itself in mid-air, like an inflatable castle of balloons, or crashed down with the force of a hundred starving lions

Sunday, August 1, 2010

i really hate having to go thru the process of defaulting until i can practically see people slipping away from me.

BUT i think there is some plan at work here (and reccent events have proven me right?) and i think some friendships are meant to be broken and some are meant to persevere thru everything

last sun was quite nice, bible study, confession, and a's party at night. then in the middle of the week - CAKE.somewhere along the way, i mastered how to play ave maria on the harp, in the middle of the night.

i think if all goes well i will want to learn it properly. it's the only instrument i have a smidgen of talent at. plus, poorly disguised attempts at prayer. when even words fail you, music remains. anyway happy thoughts.

hm dont know what i should or can say, but i just have hope and gratitude and we'll see how it goes

Monday, July 19, 2010

hahahaha some things never change. there is possibly no greater perfection in this world.

i like these ephemeral things. the only problem is when it becomes reality and you actually have to deal with it. then it's not fun anymore. but for this... nah, that will never happen.

also i want egg tarts. boo

Friday, July 16, 2010

home

is really where the heart is. for sure,all this will wear off. but the feeling of sleeping on the familiar sheets, even just perching on this chair in front of the computer - such a normal action but everything about this room just makes me feel the love

although june was such a stressful time, i think i needed to overcome a lot of issues in solitude, without interference in the radio waves.

about that - if i didn't try, i wouldn't know. and i suppose deep down there are a lot of rather strange things i don't fully understand. it didn't hit me until after that i had never really forgiven. and when i remembered all the things actually showed forgiveness, all the acts of kindnesses and displays of friendships, that i just put down to the normality of character i knew so well, i really felt like kicking myself. kicking my subconscious for holding onto the grudges, for AGAIN listening to bits of background advice; elevator music. pride! without pride what does one have? then again, with it, what does one have, but it?

anyway, really enough about it. truly i think this has to run its natural course. since i am equally at fault and not, i will just chill about it and not get pissed at myself or others for anything. and just take whatever comes. maybe with luck it can become even better than before (you know in the vein of what doesn't kill you makes you stronger). but, erm. that would require sufficient luck to win the lottery i think.... and if not. oh well, i did things wrong. and things happen. what to do? so yup. at peace with it. if what i did made anything worse then... oh well. i wouldnt have known until after anyway.

in any case, home is lovely. but EXTREMELY HOT. i think i am more mature than i realised. and my plans for the future keep solidifying. how am i to get there?? i really don't know. but i will keep trying. some things are worth trying for. i think our prayers are getting wiser.