About Me

Sunday, January 31, 2010

ok. i officially give up
happy :)
1. badminton competition! fun! altho got quite thrashed... haha... sore now
2. peppermint tea from sainsburys
3. made cajun chicken (from packet spices haha)
4. yesterday got a cupcake (admittedly, i did help make it. HAHA)
5. interesting turn of events. although i no longer believe that everything should be divined out; rather that one should just LIVE LIFE and use common sense, there is something here, there can be no coincidence. its a long time since i talked about this to such a positive reception so quite surprised! but yea i dont intend to ever talk about it because it opens up too many cans of worms. what's past is past, if things ever turn out well, that's great

:(
1. confusing opportunities for research projects, lots of meetings next week

Saturday, January 30, 2010

truly interesting turn of events
is this too God's will? or coz i messed up somewhere? haha. who knows. i also dont really want to know eh, what's done's done.. will it all turn for good, goodness knows. will my motivation and concentration ever redeem all my confusions and long wondering rambles? THEY'D BETTER.

but whatever it is, interesting exercise in the mysteries of life. and also it has taught me that it is what endures that matters. if this is what it takes, then.... then so be it. with some luck and grace, this will help. i hope it does. thank you _________, for some reason.

Friday, January 29, 2010

just as I had finished making amends, more or less, for the unreasonable demands i put on my listening ears, the laundry cycle of life started again. It is NO LONGER an excuse to say 'I am human'. Because plenty of people live life without bursting into fireworks of banality and complaints. Because anything repeated with sufficient frequency starts to wear out. Because even you get tired of hearing yourself talk about it.

I am not scared of much now, except of having to make a choice. Having made so many in the past, none seem to have been the right ones, despite the fact that I firmly believed in myself each and every time I faced dilemnas and unanswerables. The plain and simple fact is that a probably unavoidable collision of my flawed capacity for free will and molecules in Brownian motion has resulted in yet another problem for me to solve, yet another lightbulb I have to de-wire and take apart. Any method of disassembling is bound to be unpleasant, and to leave it on would be to consume electricity. In any case, the light shines so dimly, if at all, that it might well not even be working in the first place. This is where the theme song "what should i do? what should i do?" comes to mind... see why I said I should stop watching these shows...

Tonight
Finish PBL
Shower

Friday
Run, cf

Saturday
Badminton comp :)

Sunday
Make bak kut teh!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

you are everything - matthew west

finally finished you're beautiful, and slept before 11pm for once in a very long while. I realized I like how I know where everything in my kitchen is; I actually enjoy cleaning coffee off the counters; soap fests; stocking up the fridge. Maybe I'm becoming domesticated hahahah. two more days before the next time i go to tescos and in the fridge i have - carrots, sweet potatoes and tofu?!! That would make for a very interesting meal indeed... I need to stop buying random things coz they sound exotic -_-

Also, with the final cessation of the neverending metaphors about stars and "be where I can see you" "don't be where I can see you" etc etc... some dreams are due to vanish too. I blame everything on the excess of korean dramas oh yes. It was really really lovely though. I don't regret the sixteen hours spent staring starry-eyed at the machinations of the evil yoo he yi, or hearing "I will promise you...." "What should I do? What should I do" being played ad nauseum. And of course - TAE- KYUNG!! Is the coolest guy on earth possibly.

my strength is almost gone
how can i carry on
if i can't find you
and as your mercy falls
i raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away
you are who you are
no matter where i am
every tear i cry
you hold in your hand
never left my side
although my heart is torn
i will praise you in this storm
i lift my eyes to the hills
where does my help come from?

ps d if you're reading this i'm listening to the masses and gloria etc you sent me too!!

God gives and takes away. Just hope that there are some things that will stay, is all. I'm glad for it, really. Is watching all these dramas unfold worth the empty hours after? Yes, it is. I was rationing it out, not wanting it ever to end. But in the end I realised that - this end can be postponed forever, but not everything can. Some things I am willing to drift away quietly from, some answers I never want to know. But for others, not that I wish unpleasant revelations so much as I just want the torture to end. I think this comes under that heading. Still have many other unpleasant tasks, things stringing along I have to end. I am loathe to do so, but I must.

And I hate this week's PBL!!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Sometimes, walking in the wind, I wonder when I will find peace. I wonder if maelstroms are of my own making, divinely willed, or is it like painting by numbers or connect the dots? The same buildings are alternately golden, white, brown, gray, the same feelings get infusions of orange juice, or shots of dull brown coffee. As time goes by, the same topics fly on their merry-go-round, the clowns change their makeup, and sometimes their jokes. My work gets done at night by shoe-maker fairies.

Today, being able to milk laughter out of thin air really helped. I have missed these people, I know I am heading down some road of no return and may they be with me through it all.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

No testing has overtaken you that is not common to everyone. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

(i should certainly hope so)

You will forget your misery; you will remember it as waters that have passed away. (Job 11:16)

By his light I walked through darkness. (Job 29:3)

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! (Psalm 27:14)
I shall obey these dubious instructions, borne out of sadness, questioning and despair. Why I know not, except that it is only from the truth that hurts that you can find that elusive thread of freedom. Never in my life has intoxicating happiness, golden chances beyond belief, or technicolor rainbows proved to be anything more than leprechaun gold. It is only in the displaced feeling of walking through strange lands, be it unexplored sections of shophouses, back roads, and streets parallel to the main road, in the rain, or the fairytale snow turned to treacherous ice, or the unfamiliar new pathways of the brain, where you find yourself able to conjure up signposts and landmarks. The grass is the same color everywhere, the dogs are all equally tempted to lick you and nose trees. I decide to run through the snow, but I will not go off the path. I don't want to stop running, even though you tell me to. But I do know this - if I don't, eventually I will tire and it will get too cold.

whitman- song of myself

I too am not a bit tamed, I too am untranslatable,
I sound my barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world.

The last scud of day holds back for me,
It flings my likeness after the rest and true as any on the shadow'd wilds,
It coaxes me to the vapor and the dusk.
______________________________________________

Change is afoot. even if not today, soon. From this multitude of misunderstandings; wrongdoings; joys that turn into recriminations; sadnesses blown away by the wind and music, I must learn not to get caught up in the laundry cycle of life. Life cannot be prosaic; the conclusion will not suck the way vaccuum cleaners inevitably do. The details, like the icing on the cake, I will inscribe somewhere else. Here I will only mythologize the things that for all intents and purposes, might never have been.

Monday, January 25, 2010

one republic

For those days we felt like a mistake,
Those times when loves what you hate,
Somehow,
We keep marching on.


Well have the days we break,
And well have the scars to prove it,
Well have the bonds that we save,
But well have the heart not to lose it.

For all of the times weve stopped,
For all of the things Im not.

We put one foot in front of the other,
We move like we aint got no other,
We go when we go
- david's psalms, literally
- m and i trotting out all the rg/ rj songs!!
- d sending me all the masses (gloria, etc) by mozart

i've just had an overdose of nuts, literally. oops. but when it eventually gets digested, i know everything will be ok.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

it's better to light a candle than curse the darkness

my brain is fried

grapes just now were nice, thank u!! :)

need a gene silencer thingy, can it work on myocardial muscle too? or neurons?

going to be really focused. because obviously nothing else matters anymore.

thank you, in a weird way

no thank YOU though, today i got an email from my past self spelling out rather clearly what i should do, unfortunately. i must have been really distressed at the time to send such an email to myself... hahaha

from bible study - rest is good. sleep more!

i always come back with more questions than answers, some epiphanies, etc. i need peace. ive known this for very long. i need to reset myself, how do i do that?!

submitted query for summer project, hope it works out well

like going cf with flatmates hee

tomorrow, my iniquities and stupidities will be forgotten. right? right.

Friday, January 22, 2010

this has to be said.

i wish i could be one of those people always giving thanks for their great lives. and i do, really i do give it where it is due. and lots of times when it doesnt seem apparent, either. but sometimes it just feels like... nothing good is going to happen, like you're stringing along, rushing to do what you just and just barely making it. like the rather torturous video watching in icp where i was trying my best not to fall off the chair when i fell asleep...

dont get me wrong, im really glad for small mercies, for good friends that make everything 100x more fun and bearable. i truly miss it when i dont have them around and ive begun to realise that more and more. im glad for bigger mercies too, especially the ones that come randomly. happy surprises.

anyway, i think i know what to do. for REAL. more than one thing actually. i just dont have the discipline for so many areas of my life at once. but if i eliminate one particular area, i might just free up some brain cells for essentials. i never wanted to because, let's face it, it's entertaining. but i no longer have a choice.
weekend is nearly here, i need a break from things... it looks to be pretty busy though..

on the bright side, coz r and k came over the other day, i was finally forced to pack up my room to acceptable levels of habitation. and ft island has the most heartfelt songs.

tomorrow morning
- SSC RESEARCh
- badminton?!!
- pbl, ssc meeting
- think of dance moves
- cf

have been trying to sort out some things so i am not being deluded/ dumb/ depressed. somehow it seems to be either of those three. it can't just be blithe joy or anything, WHY?! really have been like going round in circles.

the best thing that happened so far is i passed the airways evaluation... hahaha. and had an amazing tutorial on it, also the neuro exam is fun.

meanwhile i might have invented a whole new method of self-torture. haha. im done with this, really i am. as soon as i can find a way out, i will.... but i cant find a way out. so many emo talks, trying to figure it out... STILL CANNOT. anyway, i asked God a question. and he replied =( haiya.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

2010

belated, but with the benefit of some hindsight
1) be more focused & disciplined
2) control my emotions better
3) not to be so complacent and unthinking that i mess up 1 & 2. never get so comfortable in anything that i forget appropriacy.
4) to trust God more.

now
1) do some more ssc research
2) find airways thing - found!
3) pack bag for tomorrow
4) pbl
5) sleep by 2am

hmm. what do i say? the universe works in an interesting way. hahah
ok. i admit defeat. i can do it. i can do it.
today is not really a good day. of course, dance is always :) apart from that... gnrarghhhhhhhhh. either way, i lose. every way, i lose.

renal soon. maybe ill be a renal doctor and find a cure.

ssc, pbl, the usual circus. this is all worth a lot to me, i know it is.

but until i find some sort of peace, i cant stop this. anyway. i will do some work before 2am, presumably. it's just today.

why this angst? i guess i realised finally after years of this merry-go-round that no matter how helpful and kind people are, there is only so far it can go. i realised that no matter how hard i try, i will fall off the wagon, even unsuspectingly. i learnt that as usual, everything is not right, i am doing it all wrongly, and i know no other way. when you have to think negative thoughts to block out positive thoughts, when poetry, music, even medicine doesnt work. then i dont know what does. this has no end, nor happy ending. when i am done with this angst, there is no like, reward or surprisingly good thing. sure, there might have been occasionally in the past, but i doubt i get lucky ALL the time. all i can hope is that this too will pass, that i dont piss off anyone too much or get pissed off too much. that i dont do anything too stupid, that i do what i am meant to do. and maybe to look back on it will be fun. if even jc could be fun to look back upon surely anything would.

i may not have the manual to life, but world, that is no excuse for being unfair and not ever being understanding, not a single time.

i am not insane though. just... tomorrow will be better. or the weekend will be. or something. eventually. what's hard is knowing there IS no consolation. why this affects me so much i cant say. just keep remembering what j says, just keep remembering it. see i do recall it ok ;p i think i need to go boxing tomorrow.

Monday, January 18, 2010

remember this

you're beautiful - without words

I shouldnt have done that,
I should have pretended not to know
Like I didnt see it, like I couldnt see it
I shouldnt have looked at you in the first place

I should have run away
I should have pretended I wasnt listening
Like I didnt hear it, like I couldnt hear it
I shouldnt have heard your love in the first place

Without a word you made me know love
Without a word you gave me love
Because you took a just a breath and ran away like this
Without a word love leaves me
Without a word love abandons me
________________________________

go min nam sings this in the most most heart-breaking fashion. and even more so is the part when she runs out, throwing down her headphones once the take is done, and tells shin- woo "dont touch me! i don't want anyone to touch me. i can't bear this anymore".

and when she's sitting on the park bench wishing she could just be invisible. AND THE BUS-RIDES on jeremy's bus!! reminds me of those carthartic hour-long bus rides home from school, in which i would tell myself to forget something/ be completely happy once the hour was up.

and of course jang geun suk is a great actor. nuff said.

you're beautiful has restored my faith in the world, in love, and in life :)

nah, i haven't magically become optimistic and blithely ignorant of inevitabilities; i doubt that can happen ever again. i'm doomed to cynicism, second guessing, and sugar-coated pessimism forever. but hey at least sixteen hours of my life were spent in real happiness. (actually, only 9 thus far, 7 more episodes to go). i'd best not finish watching it for awhile, to continue giving myself reason to live. LOL. nah just kidding, glee will come out in may...

and in case my life sounds rather drab now, i have this to say: WATCH YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL. AND GLEE. if you haven't already! also, serious dearth of access to books :( and anyway i've had enough drama for a bit, so i think that's okay. anyway, foodfest coming up, i really hope that works out well. ssc starting. etc etc. SO MUCH TO DO. this week is crazy. >< needed to charge my batteries...

thanks to k and j for being nice about ssc. really. you guys could have killed me in annoyance but instead you consoled me. oh yea, had the usual hilarious cell, and dinner with the guys the other day with a highly entertaining game of poker. in which i went bankrupt and... THEN WON that hand! i was really chillax coz it was only chips not money, so anyhow go and bet even though my cards werent that great... hahaah. AND THEN matthew used me to scare ben HMPHHH. lol so the money just kept running out. BUT then had super lucky hand. ahaha NO ONE suspected it, they thought i just went all in in great ignorance, people were like putting in hundreds?! yayy. fun times :)

Sunday, January 17, 2010

you're beautiful

sugar-sweet
mi nam *nervous about her solo performances*
shin woo: "don't worry, there's someone right here who will like whatever you do. whatever you do, i'll be sure to smile and compliment, and clap"

:)

two late night conversations until 4am

i'm shattered. as in exhausted. but it was more than worth it. given that my advice is notoriously bad, i'm amazed that rhese people wish it. more importantly its really cool that they feel they can tell me this stuff. i guess if people dont often tell, you feel its cool when they do. which is more than i can say for my usual waterfalls of stuff... anyway...

m - THANK YOU, you are awesome!! sorry i'm so flaky heh, you've been great about it thus far. please believe that i have every intention of making tea etc come true! and being a good hostess etc! if and when you come, i might be able to make good on this, you might be the first to which i sucessfully extend hospitality!! hehe. good convo, really. may we make good on our secret plans, meet gu jun pyo ;p find the answers to life and happiness and the things which have been plaguing us for so long. let our drama serials become page turning classics instead ;p ok actually only you will get the pun, hahahahahha, nevermind.

x - thank you, you are awesome too!! stay happy always please, i hope i was of some help really, you're sucha happy person must stay that way lah

my grand plans. START TOMORROW! wait, did i say that last night? haha, anyway...

it stops here

productivity, here i come! last sem, i got massively derailed, randomly -_- and now i'm mired in echoes and cliches and unanswerable questions. the types that shouldnt even have been asked, really.

today has been spent eating, dancing and sleeping. win! no running :( see this is evidence i hardly run everyday -_-

i think life is like this... your defenses get broken down, people mean alot to you, and then after awhile you realise you have to depend on yourself to save yourself, you cant be unloading your problems on people forever. i know to get through some of the more -_- times last sem, i really inflicted a lot of ramblings on lots of people, so that's quite ironic, and it doesnt really solve the problem. but nevertheless, having learnt to stand on my own two feet, it's really nice to know that there are people out there (both nearby and far away) that will be there for you.

im not doing this to save myself from the future, that's so far away. i'm doing it to save myself from.. MYSELF, NOW. i dont blame anyone, or the universe, i blame it on free will; my free will that likes to makes choices that are wrong; succumb to temptations, succumb to weaknesses. on my determination that has flagged lately because of the tiring past few months and the engine not having been revved up sufficiently. i don't know what fuel i need, or where i can find it. even apples dont have taste anymore for me, and i'm completely immune to coffee. so what will it be?!

Saturday, January 16, 2010

cheryl cole is my idol

seriously she is the epitomy of coolness and awesomeness. out of a random sample of magazines in my kitchen we realised 3 out of 4 had her on the cover. yes isn't uni such a intellectually stimulating time of your life.. okay forgive me, i will be starting on genetics... uh... soon. really!!

in the spirit of bearing crosses, i think i chose the route of unhappiness. the good thing about unhappiness is that you then actively try and correct it by doing things you know will make you happy, ie, good things. well, apart from things like lsd. whereas if you are too happy and content you let things slide etc

i will keep certain memories though, for the hard times. i remember doing this before. but i have lost all the bottled-up remembrances. oh well! haha. i will try to remember. and anyway, when you lose that too, then that's when it no longer matters, and you no longer needed to hang on to it.

this is like eating wensleydale cheese. i bought it from tescos one friday night. it's like eating cheesecake, cept it isn't the real thing. it's really sweet :) also, it's really cheesy ;p ok unforgivably lame haha

anyway, ssc was a horrific wake up call. but obviously i havent learnt anything. why is it that running furiously and angrily can be so cathartic again? on k's good advice i ran most of it off, whilst planning how to salvage things. unfortunately after looking at jang geun suk photos and chatting until 4am... and waking up really late... i'm so content i've forgotten all my good intentions.

cold, hard truth
1. things happen for a reason. i already know the reason, and thus there can be no other explaination
2. we love because God loved us. so love is not wrong. i'm sure God will forgive me eventually for the way i have twisted this gift of his, to the point where it becomes a burden and a hindrance. i'm sure he will forgive me for the times i didnt do what i was supposed to, because i was busy being upset or wrestling with unanswerable questions. for the times i did inappropriate things, or took my anger out on people/ inanimate things (im sorry, treadmill ;p). for the times i've dragged out all my issues ad nauseum, and how it probably is a rather shitty testimony to people. i dont think i can confess this to the priest again HAHAHAHA. especially since i never took his last advice last easter. and also, he might die of laughter, which would be a disservice to the catholic students of the city.

3. the thing about don't arouse love before it awakens, or something
4. quell my tempest, calm the billows

right, here goes nothing.

OH

well i just saw the real ssc marks, as in the actual ones not the peer feedback. how symbolic for life yea, what u think is usually isn't.

decided that it's not good to be too clear about things. clearly nothing is going to work out, so i should just be happy with what i can.

ALSO! i can do this!!

and heh bible study was v fun!

listening: kim hyun joong- because i'm stupid (acoustic version). NICE.

Friday, January 15, 2010

ps

just saw the ssc2a marks, thanks guys for the lovely comments, i really enjoyed ssc2a a lot and it was really fun working with you guys! also, someone used the short form of my name in the comments... so that's either j or k HAHAHA. and the person gave me very good ;p but yay overall alot of excellents heh but i dont think its me per se it's because i felt really comfortable in the group, so thanks guys for making it so enjoyable. someone said my ideas were not always concrete... hm... j? loll

FINISHED PBL YAY!!!

small mercies. actually despite all the stuff from last sem/ last year i actually really enjoyed the hanging out with k & j due to the similar timetable, plus w in library! haha. i realise not as much anat this sem so wouldnt have that now..

i LOVE a.n.jell, and i just youtubed f.t island which is awesome as well! i like how koreans like to refer to their love (esp pple they want to forget) as "that person"

eg
when i miss you, i close my eyes, and i can see that person better
i try to forget and erase, but i get reminded of that person more
i told myself a lie thinking that person would come back

the sin of loving you a lot
because of you, and because of sin
i'm sick of waiting

___________________________
there's something endearing about the translation

one lect, one pbl, one tutorial AND I'M FREE!!
well not really - sat - probably going to buy printer from argos + vaccum cleaner, then dance pract at night!
sun - church, do ssc stuffs, and coook

and i have to wake up early to print my pbl. aurgh.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

By the power of the cross
You've taken what was lost
And made it fully yours
And I have been redeemed
By you that spoke to me
Now I am spoken for

[CHORUS:]
Covered by your love divine
Child of the risen Lord
To hear you say "This one's mine"
My heart is spoken for
[2X]
___________________________________
ok it sounded better in the song. but still

also i dont think we need to ask for divine help with every small decision. and then anyway im no saint so i doubt i can find the answer, this is not like divination class...

what i can find peace with is being chillax
there are some things that hurt beyond description, and cliche. you cant switch it off. all you can do it hope it passes. my black cloud has gone now. tomorrow i will definitely have crazy muscle ache but i will be a happier person

AND NEATER and on time!!!
lecture
finish pbl, notes, etc
cycle?! 1pm..
come back, shower, etc
SSC MEETING at 5
dinnerrr
hmmm should i try jazz?!

smart goals lol

you know they always made us do this in character whatever classes. it is a testament to my state of mind that i now turn to this

i will
1. pack my room (this IS achievable, surely...). er. tomorrow
2. study more, eat less
3. think of things to do for people (to take my mind off.... certain things..)
4. watch you're beautiful
5. watch juno, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind and lost in translation.
6. play badminton more. and squash ;p need to hit things. HAHA.
7.

ok i have given up on the smart goals. these are thus some not very smart goals. but i couldnt think of anything poetic, i guess it was not worthy of being immortablzed as such
zhen de hen lei
zhen de hen fan nao

why on earth am i talking in chinese. why does something so good have to be turned into something so bad, why is it always like this?! why is everything interlinked in sucha messy way. how can i get bliss back again, wait, did i ever have it?!

this calls for only one thing. lets hope this is good :)

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

after yesterday's conversation (s)

1. god does exist
2. i am really very bored of certain topics that i have been thinking about for some time now.
3. friends are absolutely essential for sanity
4. honestly, WHY BOTHER?!
5. unfortunately, i think i know the answer, and am guilty of the reverse
6. pbl is really soul destroying at times
7. i really want to go for a dance class. like now.
ironies and symbolism no longer mean anything to me. i realised today that i'm basically living life as a sim. wishes pop up and are fulfilled. hungry/ sleepy/ bored - get into a funk like the red diamond revolving above the sim's head. solve that - the bars turn green again. this isn't bad, oh no.

what's worse, being tired doing sth you like, or being tired doing sth you dont want to do? the answer is obvious.

oh, i still want this very much, and i doubt i will ever cease to. but there is only one way i can deal with it. so far.... it has kind of worked. i havent yet gotten what i want and i doubt i will get it anyway. but er, i feel happy!

on a less vague note, genetics module now. i can do this! i like having things to do, it gives you a sense of purpose. decompressed enough although i dont know what i've been decompressing. it's time to start working my way through the interminable to-do lists.

also i plan to make
1. cinnamon rolls
2. lagsana
3. curry
4. bak kut teh
5. spaghetti

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

two roads

one- i'm sick of cliches and broken records. i like very much ignorant, blithe acceptance, which i found for a bit. i dont have to live in brilliant sparkles of tinsel and glitter glue just to feel alive, right? right?!!!

two- never learn, it always seems to need the enshrining in webs of stories and references, like pressing flowers or bottling smells. why do we do it, when we know they cant last? why do we always think we can find life in this when really it's just a clump of stupidity, perpetuating itself, like hamsters on a wheel, fish in a bowl?

it's really cold no matter what i do so im giving up, good night.
tired, cold, irritable :(

genetics is frankly... ughh.. my amoral tendancies, disposition towards things which make me sad, inability to just let things slide (COS IM HUMAN THAT'S WHY), etc.... ughhh... i ache... everywhere. just was advising someone, oh trust God etc... its rather hypocritical since obviously i cant even trust him for anything. i mean, i guess i do inherently take things for granted etc, but that's a whole other sin anyway. and oh actually im getting rather confused... but the point is for the things i dont take for granted, i assume he'll give me a stone instead of bread. you have no idea. im not entirely sure if this is my fault because so far especially pertaining to this i've been getting entire castles worth of stones. but then again, he was the corner stone the builders rejected yea? right not the right way to be mixing metaphors but hey whatever gives one comfort. stones aren't always bad things. i wonder if it's good when one's heart feels like a stone? It's good. Yes, it is.

BUT! wrestling with my endless fountains of guilt, boxing is awesome, and nice dinner. it was nice seeing everyone after nearly 3 weeks too!!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

oh and on that..........
i swear not to say another disparaging word ever again. that's the least i can do. but i dont think i will go out of my way to pretend anything because... pretense has been damaging enough. or was it the lack of pretense that was? i can't decide, anyway obviously whatever it is is not essential to life, so the lack of negativity is the best i can do, for now.

so to sum up: just a lot a lot of happy posturing in the hope i really will be happy/ not offend anyone. excellent. i feel exhausted already.
also, i think there may be poems germinating in my head. there's something about having to pack my room that awakens lyrical phrasing, why?!! wrote the chinese new year poem a few years back under such equally pressing circumstances...

wh auden's poem in four weddings... i LOVE THAT POEM. we did it with ms chen. and also another poem about geese, in which i interpreted wrongly something about laundry.

and how serena said "i prefer fitzgerald to hemmingway", and as television without pity said "you just know there's going to be a car accident coming up". OMG brilliance!

am i living in the past? haha. i make no apologies. thank goodness i did do lit in jc or what would i find solace in now?! quantam physics perhaps hahahaah. now would that be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare... hmmm...
more pointless ramblings...
its 1am and i dont trust myself to walk any verbal tightropes. since i dont have the answer, i dont know how to tell my stories... maybe its better in the long/ short run just to sleep.

the PLAN
sunday
breakfast, PACK ROOM
church
PACK ROOM.

yes very good plan.
by tomorrow i will have thought of a way to weave the cloth, maybe after church. prayers are interestng things actually. alot of times just saying it brings me peace and helps me to know what attitude to have towards things. alot of times the hard part is deciding how positively you should feel about something. like when you cant change it (for awhile that is).

also i may not have said this before but i am thankful for the cell guys as well as the cell girls. really they brighten up things so much heh :)

anyway i think today was good cos i got to say many things which have been preying on my mind for the longest time, making me feel guilt, annoyance, inadequacy etc, in a way which wasnt horrible or ill-meaning (well i thiink). so its really really nice that i could say that to someone who understood. no matter what, God really does send angels every now and then. actually i believe that when shitty things happen or things which are out of your control the best way is to turn it into amusing things but yknow this doesnt always end well depending on your state of mind, purity of intention (eg: all out revengeful attitudes = generally not good) etc. and whatever it is i really have been thinking about this alot lately and its gotten to me a great deal. so it's cool to have it off my chest, to some extent, for now.

random things to do
1. check lib books are not overdue
2. check ebanking thingy
3. vaccum
4. stock up tescos for next week
5. fancy gems hahaha
6. make cinnamon rollssss

had to look up bollywood vids for foodfest performance songs and heh that was quite nice too. admittedly ive been having quite a ball slacking off etc these days, but as USUAL my mind's also working in overdrive. haha. one can never just completely switch off yea.
today is a day full of happy cliches, in many ways...
the usual stuff really... hugh grant films, bollywood, great books, endorphins, etc
still! huzzah

Saturday, January 9, 2010

ok. IT'S GOOD TO THINK. it means i still have a brain! whoopee! it's good to be able to form coherent sentences, goodness knows not everyone can.. it's NOT GOOD to sit here and torture yourself over things you cant change, or stress out over how fast you can change things, or how efficiently you are changing things. it's not good to say too much, or things which are inappropriate..

this may be veering into the realm of psychosis, aka the whole world is out to get me!!! nah, it isn't. haha. but yea sometimes you need to wonder if its worth beating yourself up over things you did or didnt do. sometimes it was going to happen anyway like a stone falling off the cliff, like ice-cream melting in the sun, like flowers taking root and... well you get the point.

on another note ive flown home like three times already and NEVER DO I REMEMBER TO BRING A BADMINTON RACKET BACK!!

reccently something ive been troubled over is: is it worth it doing these random things for fun? and the answer is if it contradicts something else more important directly then NO of course... but then neveR to have fun?! well it depends on how much this thing means to you... and also i have discovered happily that fun is not mutually exclusive with my life, huzzah. but then there are so many random fun things i want to do that to go through this case by case basis gets really tiring after awhile..

anyway, term's starting soon, i'm going to try and go for contemp & jazz more often this sem :) there's definitely some allowed happinesses there.

sometimes i cant help but say things cos its been on my mind so long and torturing me forever, IS THAT WRONG?! well yea often it might not be the best thing to do. please dont judge me. i know this is the most futile plea ever in general; the point is you say things and people judge you, even if they say they dont. judge doesnt have to mean make automatic bad conclusions and cast aspersions on your character just form a general impression. oh well. whatever impressions formed arent exactly untrue anyway hahaha. its better to have everyone think dubiously of me than to go mad; then people would think me WORSE than dubious, right??

maybe this year i'm going to run more, and to dance more. and aim to not work myself into strange frames of mind. and this is the hardest - to treat people kindly and fairly, to mean what i say and not to pretend things, but at the same time not say things which are hurtful, especially while in revengeful/ lovelorn/ stressed/ pmsey states of mind. i'm going to get the needful done asap, so i can spend time doing the things i like. i'm going to try to achieve what i know i need to, so i can legally do the way-out, random things i'd like to. :)
watching finals of world university debathing championships. utterly brilliant logic, skills of persuasion, charm, and acerbic humor. wow. just... wow. i realise now that without having things to argue about, i basically have nothing more intelligent to say than happily discussing the merits of tv shows, and running. which are good things in their own right, but. unfortunately i never did have the knowledge base required to be a successful debater, the consistency needed to be a dependable team player (ie, only having one brilliant speech out of ten, if lucky...), or the luck needed to not screw up in front of the most important people at the most important times. oh well. but i love thinking about loopholes in arguments, finding new ways to push a point, and spinning my words to make things the other side said look ridiculous. i really miss being able to twist things sarcastically without having people take it seriously after ;p funny thing to miss, that. but then by jc, my lack of knowledge and overall style caught up with me, so it was no longer a validation of my critical thinking abilities so much as a deer caught in the headlights, flogging my one-trick pony (if i was lucky to even have any points, sometimes.) i remember some rather painful debates about missiles/ parlimentary systems. ugh. but then, also a really good one about culture. well. fluffy stuff but well-argued. if i could go back in time i would do what i am doing now PLUS read up.... but then would i still be on the right track with medicine, or lured away by words and arguments full-time?

i dont know. but at least this reminds me of what made me feel intelligent. its funny how things go. i would make such clever points in the afternoons and fail maths tests in the mornings. then later on, smoke my way through fruit juice debates and score sterlingly.... just another great example of how one CAN;T HAVE EVERYTHING.

no. i am happy this way. i had my fun, and this now is lasting :) anyway fun is fun, i couldnt possibly reach the impressive standards of these logic Apollos and Poseidons.

Friday, January 8, 2010

you know i think i might be allergic to food. it always makes me feel like shit. everytime i get hungry like a normal human being, so i eat, then i feel like complete crap. since i have to eat three times a day this basically means i feel horrible most of the time. how to solve this?!!! anyway just came off a week of inexplicable stomachaches and a bout of depressingly explicable cramps, in which i couldnt tell if i was hungry or full; in fact, didnt know anything except OW.

however i do like korean movies! ahd haruki... well that guy anyway. going to run now. ive been putting it off until i feel less crap but seeing as its been like this since 10am in the morning... i really hope i dont puke and die on the treadmill. actually i HATE TREADMILLS. went running yesterday in the snow, was glorious but really slow. it's like running on sand only even harder.

EFFICIENCY is really elusive

funny how after i spent much time thinking about that, there seems to be a way out... but as usual nothing comes easily, sigh! well at least there is -some- form of an answer. if you always got wanted you wanted, things wouldnt be so exciting, right? right? ok dont answer that im sure plenty of people have fantastic exciting lives, good for ya!


hugh grant in four weddings and a funeral is :) :)
maybe as long as you think of happy things/ there are happy things anywhere in your world it is part of your Universe and thus enough - as long as the bottom few tiers of Maslow's hierachy of needs are fufilled. because if you lived in a spartan community and never knew delights such as, i dont know, brownies and parties and leisurely movie-watching, book-reading on the sofa, starbucks gingerbread latte, etc, that would be rather sad.

but then they probably get their kicks someplace else, like winning wars or running really fast miles. or is it better to know of these things and not have them? or not know of these things and not even be able to visualize their allure? this is a pretty bad example because these are really easily attainable things for me (maybe not if i was a true spartan living really long ago though). but i cant really say here, what it is that i want.

it's one of those things which are not entirely worth it. and is unrelated to love, btw. just... small things really that others might or might not take for granted.

perhaps the only thing left to do is hope and wish that things might align themselves such that it can come to pass, in an unequivocally good way. some things do, you know, like paris. who would've thought. and hope that magically those who i most need to understand will. i guess for every happy ending that i didnt deserve (like that really nice morning in church when i got up to go blow my nose and... walked right into d and his customary hugs hahah :) and the general atmosphere of all the people i knew around.) there have to be a few things where you completely dont know why you did what you did, or why God let things happen that way?! yea lessons to be learnt are great but this is not kindergarten anymore, things are not easily forgotten. not that i am constantly harping on it lah (actually maybe i am eh..), more like, i'm really conscious now of offending pple, which is good i suppose... haha... since i have a marked tendancy to back out on things... i know i know!! it's both my fault and not my fault, you know? technically it isnt but even then... left to my own devices faux prudence (read: cowardice, an over-active imagination, etc) can really work wonders.

so as usual i have no choice but to go with whatever the wind tells me, and tack if i want to sail against the wind. and i'm a horribly lousy sailor so i think this is a brilliant metaphor for life.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

it just occurred to me

that we seem to have spent so much energy on trying to be different and in the end we all get subsumed into normality anyway.

and that maybe i actually am happy :)
i want to go to milan, florence, rome, tuscany, provence :( aurghhhhhhh
oh... hahaha... that accounts for it then...

on a happier note, the house is getting warmer. my flatmates get to come back to a really nice warm flat!! :) feel like i just came out of a wrestling competition with the world, gosh i hate these things which descend upon one with regularity... but it's literally a necessary evil huh. time to remedy the things i have undone in this time.

part of the distressing thing about life is how whenever you treasure something inevitably it will turn into fairy dust and soap bubbles. :( and then if you dont it will go anyway. so uhhh.... getting rather confused here. oh and then to prove something to myself/ others, or is it not worth it doing things just for the sake of proving something?

REALLY MUST UNPACK SOON. spent today watching heyy babyy, and last night catching up on gossip girl :) to numb the pain.... can't say it worked entirely, usually this works better for the angst- or boredom-induced type. but good try i guess.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

spammage

because i havent really had access to a comp this hols, but lots of thinking. which is best really. thinking and then typing makes for shallow stuff i feel. not that this is uber deep la but not so bad huh..

i can never decide
if i am sad or happy/ if i SHOULD be sad or happy. should we be anything? actually, yes. often i feel like we are contracted to be a certain way.
if others have it better or worse

one thing i do know, my self is in the thinking. which is kind of -_- cos then if i am always wondering about these stupid rather inconsequential ? finer points of life in order to be -myself- then how can i forever be euphorically happy, which theoretically = to goodness?

does my excessive liking of thinking/ literature hamper my studies? like the need to surround myself with distractions of books/ films when studying sounds nuts but i would have gone insane if not for the diversion, all my exams since goodness knows when.

i can never understand
why people can dissappoint you so intensely, then do something really sweet
why on the other hand some things can never be whole again while others seem to be easily forgotten (perhaps the transgressions were lesser, or people bothered less to begin with, or prized harmony more, or less, perhaps the defenses were not worn down and the wrong things were said but to others uninvolved who thought you mad, but no lasting damage was done, or the damage was then done in another direction (ironic!))
why i have a stomachache, when i have one


i do understand
the basic feeling of belonging, of staying and going. the difference betwee purposely bringing yourself away from things so as to think, and being alone in a room. the comforting certainties of some things, but not the uncontrollable succumbing to temptations or things you promised yourself you wouldnt think about or even consider. i understand but dislike how i compromise my morals/ anyone's morals too, sometimes, based on aforementioned succumbing to things.

i think i have done good and bad this year. i have built and destroyed and tried valiently to save friendships, i have maintained and refreshed friendships. i have done my utmost in studies while attempting (esp last sem) to be healthy. i nearly went mad trying to ensure this except in the last 2 weeks before exams where i didnt run at all and sometimes ate oatmeal for three meals unless i forced myself to cook. so i'm not sure this was worth it, but never mind. i have made new friends :) and inflicted the same bad habit of angsting, disguised thinly as amusing facts on them. oh well. so far i think I still have friends, and i sincerely hope i passed, for which gratitude is due. but most importantly i was happy, for the most part. and when i wasnt i could angst here or find someone to talk to. nat, nic and sharon, you guys have been really awesome and i love that the method and phrasing of angst is always so pleasing, and pleasingly litty/ verbose somehow with you guys, as always. it is always the same way we have been talking since sec sch (albeit, different, for all three, lol), and that is really v nice. the guys - j, w,k, m, and actually h too cos i always seem to randomly bug him. and m& a of cos for things randomly bubbling forth in the kitchen heh - confessions, confections and cooking included, sometimes alot of smoke but no fire ;p (eh but luckily right no fire!!) cell girls too.

my only wish for this year is, as always, happiness and peace. (and my 101 prayers, God!)
- maybe to be more patient when i dont feel like it cos thats what counts right
- to not be so distracted by physical sensations like stomachaches/ potential cramps/ feeling like i havent run enough or i've eaten too much; these may be unfortunately true but theres no need to beat yourself up over it, just do better the next time is enough
- at the same time, to keep healthy so there will be no excuse for being upset over this heh
- to not take people for granted
- to not let my feelings dictate things quite so much. its not that i fake things thats the problem so much as feeling things so intensely that when i do pretend, it's obvious, which is probably not too good. sometimes i just talk too happily and then say a thousand wrong things.
- to not let inertia prevent me from doing cool stuff
- to spend a little more on books/ magazines and less on expensive coffee outside/ cereal bars priced ridiculously, 1 pound per nature valley bar anyone?
- concentrate on studying and then be able to hang out with friends guilt free
- to go for bible study every week.
- to not hurt or insult anyone, and try not to let anyone hurt or insult me.
haha! everyone has thoroughly intellectual posts and here i am, randonly angsting away for completely no reason at all. i mean, the disjunct is really rather evident. lol.

on another note, this is Good. it is like a change, the sort that when you look back upon it, you wonder when was it that all the inexplicable notgood things coalasced into the right plan; where was the turning point? well i cant read the future so i dont know if it will happen. but i can tell you, if it does, this is the point. i never say anything helpful or wise, continually change my stance, whinge like mad even though i have what we both covet(ed). but this i do know. i was heading towards self destruction and somehow in a phone call out of desperation to you i found the strength to pick myself up and try again. and then doors which i had not expected magically opened. i have no such ability of inspiration or influence unfortunately, so as much as i would have liked to return the favor, i can't. no matter, it works out well nevertheless. may you find peace and be happy as you figure this out :)

more nonsense

i might be sinking into a pool of non-entity anytime soon. and its all my own doing, good one! i cannot think of anyone who is more capable of alienating the important people and endearing themselves to random strangers on buses/ ships passing in the night honestly. ok thats an exaggeration. but it feels like that sometimes (most of the times.) anyway. i have no answers and i never will. i'd better figure out my life at some point in time, and figure out some way to be happy. i suppose i could find a way, but everything leads to some form of guilt somewhere. im sick of guilt. and the word i'm. maybe should do a beckett and write something where the word i doesnt feature at all. was that the premise of the piece not i? something like that. i remember watching the three opaque pieces on a dark night, during the long-dark tea-time of the soul. so if that was that, what's this? the short coffee break of the heart? ha ha ha. nah not the heart. i dont think im capable of loving anything but maybe squirrels and rose bushes. not that i havent ever thought i have but from what i can tell any emotion i feel in any capacity about anything is pretty much easily annihilated by more pressing things. the definition of more pressing things being a rather loose one.

its fun pretending to be interesting sometimes, i won't deny. it's fun running away from things, to, to some extent. but the silence of the soul, the self-inflicted one, is less and less desirable. unfortunately i'm addicted to it; i need it to live. and so it goes.

as procrastination results in cure for jetlag

thoughts
1. thank goodness for that!
2. good to be safely here.
3. i really am quite tired. this isn't impossible, by any means. its just that when something works out, you lose something else. i cant seem to do it all at once. and it's really hard to explain. and if you're bitchy you just are, no explainations. but then again, either way, it doesn't equate to where i want it to, does it? the equilibrium is off-center, to a place which i don't like. oh what's new -_-

4. i wish i could rely less on people. in fact i should. like i shouldnt have called on people for help today maybe, i regretted it slightly later. but i felt i needed it! i could have done it alone really i could have, it would just have been thoroughly thoroughly unfun to drag it all the way, and uhhh raging jaguars might have eaten my smaller bag in the stairwell as i lugged the other up the treacherous flights? then again... maybe not huh. maybe this is some complicated metaphor for life. nah. i need to rely more on myself. and not just for this kind of stuff, but things of the soul.

5. if i dont lean on people for help then when i dont deliver entertaintment or perfection as a friend (which, me being me, invariably happens. or time being time?), then, it's not so bad. if i dont open up my soul to people then theoretically, nothing can hurt me. i used to think alot about this and the conclusion is that, either way it sucks and one will be unhappy so whatever, it doesn't really matter. sometimes it worked out perfectly. well not perfectly per se but i think it was really entertaining and also completely vital and essential to functioning at the time to have done and said whatever transpired, in fact uplifting and more cheering than any other time. and then somehow, pauses inserted themselves in time and space and then growing up, and stuff. but that happened in a notthatawkward way and i think it's cool! i dont write long thankyou things anymore as i used to when younger but i do remember how refreshing and quirky and fantastic the friendship was. wellll nah, it had its own share of tangles, perhaps not thaaat much on my side but in the... group... okay n will know what i am talking about definitely. nothing's perfect lah. just lucky that turned out okay especially considering the exact circumstances surrounding it all. learn to chilll and not get excited is a good call. basically be exceedingly boring right from the start. if you're interesting for a while then become boring then you're just setting yourself up. not that i can help being boring obviously but.

6. i used to think. just run and everything will sort itself out. newsflash: nah, life doesn't work that way. it's quite funny, i'm actually passably good at debating, but i gave up coz i wasnt excellent enough, so i took up running, which doesnt hurt me because i dont expect to be good at it. and now i no longer argue with people, but i run.

7. stop talking about myself or the past. honestly. stop, just stop. i know i like to talk about it but i doubt anyone wants to listen. i shouldnt inflict my stuff on unsuspecting victims. it has an amusement shelf life of less than one telling anyway. it really doesnt matter. what was good prevented myself from any suicidal tendancies, and what was bad, either people saved me from myself, or the good outweighed the bad.

8. i really cant juggle the two which makes no sense for such disparate things. and i dont like my choice but i have no choice. and its not even sustainable so i dont know why.

9. i must be prepared to accept, like for all things, that you can try your darndest and what you wish may not come to fruition. and that's just the way it is.

10. i am really really bad at packing my room.

Monday, January 4, 2010

im sitting in the same spot as ever, looking over the same rooftops.
but am FREEZING.

why is it so cold!?! all these days of saying "haha, why not as cold as the same time last year ah" aurghhhh.

what i may have learnt is that
1. happiness and kinds of love exist. and they are why we bother to live.
2. life cannot be perfect, you can only hope for damage control when it comes to anger and unreason. and grace.
3. people pass like ships in the night, so you should have huge parties all night so as not to miss anything
4. other people's lives usually seem harder; things seem nastier and harder when you have to do them yourself.
5. home is ALWAYS the best. but all kinds of familiar is always comforting.
6. running etc & church are good. always good.
7. unexpected niceness is always heartwarming

IT IS THE COLDEST WINTER FOR YEARS. TELL ME ABOUT IT.