About Me

Sunday, February 28, 2010

my nose is blocked but my mind is clear.

hail

how cool (NOT)

spent most of today sleeping and dreaming weird dreams.

thank you guys for that convo hehhhh reminds me greatly of a&r, good times. literally ROFL

sunday: FINISH ICA. BAKE COOKIES.

come on i can do thisss

Saturday, February 27, 2010

life is like a circus

seriously. why is it i am still dealing with things i dealt with in the dark alleyways behind classrooms, as we watched the lights inside and people arguing, and wished so hard we could be there too? why is it that at 2am in the morning, i try to find solace in being -right-, thinking that if i got my philosophies straight, things would magically get better?

why is it that this flu has felled us all for so long, this virus of believing in fantasies.

why is it that i hear him in your voice, i see him in everything you do. and with every similarity i see, i see the endpoint painfully clearly as well? there was a detachment between parts of my life, back then. even if things fell to pieces i could go to class and write poetry and find catharsis in mathematics; doing the hated questions with vigour and a sort of masochistic zeal. now, it's so hard to move. one thing and i offend one person. how about the days when i completely lose it, or when it gets so hard to handle i have to ask for help? and WHY FREAKING WHY does that happen so often nowadays. or maybe its the people are different.

but surely i should no longer be the same person i was in secondary school?!
even more importantly, now, peoples' lives are so inextricably linked. everyone knows everyone knows everyone. there is no wiggle room. it is no longer a serendipitious glimpse of someone across a crowded mall, no longer speaking in hypothetical situations. we were all so cloistered that i could have been making you up inside my mind and i doubt they'd know really. until this day for all they know i could have been imagining it. i shoulda just told them falsehoods.

anyway, it doesn't really matter. past the endpoint now i am endlessly glad to have you in my life. you dont always get what you want, but you get what you need :) and therefore, i know it will be ok.

ica this weekend. gargh
life HAS NO POINT
bearing in mind that temptations seem greater when one tries to avoid them, my lent thingy is now NOT endurance, cos, i just dont have that capability, and i am sick of beating myself up, so, it is CAKE AND CHOCOLATE and stars falling from the sky
lolllllll
flu - still there
work - slight improvement
life in general - ugh

meadows marathon - NEXT WEEK
training = 0
funding= 0
this is really amusing

i will be early for mass tmr!

Friday, February 26, 2010

flu

after missing two weeks of friday pbl, i now have to go for tomorrow's pbl having practically lost my voice. i'm sure no-one will believe my story of crazy flu spanning more than two weeks, with one symptom at a time?!!

been talking about frivolous things a lot lately. and honestly, that describes my life to a T. anyway tonight

1) finish calcium homeostasis lectures
2) finish random endo lectures ive started
3) attempt to change my printer cartridge
4) write up diabetes lecture

HAHA such noble intentions.
i tried to write poetry just now after i went cycling (first time in ages. who on earth, during the LENTEN SEASON, eats out 3x/ week and hardly goes to the gym at all?!!). okok to console myself, usually i would prefer the opposite, so TECHNICALLY this is, er, something i am GIVING UP.. ok i suspect it doesnt work for random indulgent things. crap.

anyway the point is i dunno what is happening now so no point talking about this. may not be a pro poet by any means but if anything it usually helps me to come to terms with things/ understand situations better/ get back at the ridiculousness of life.

WORK WORK WORK haish such a foreign concept

Thursday, February 25, 2010

.... i sound ridiculously angsty here!!

anyway right now life is quite good :) FOR NOW but hey ill take what i can get. pleaseee no more carnivals for awhile, i'll take boredom & tv watching over dramas in my own life thankyou.

endurance also means being cheerful i think. david has consoled me in my failed attempt at fasting, in fact, i seriously doubt i tried very hard... by saying that hospitality > fasting, ie like in order to prevent pride from taking over, if your friend invites you over and cooks you have to eat. although i didnt really do the bit about ordering the closest thing on the menu to fasting... err... ok i will from now on!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

current desktop

may the sun always shine on your windowpane;
may a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
may the hand of a friend always be near you;
may God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you

__________
really nice hanging out with k after anat today... why is it that i always say stupid things during anatomy pract i am not sure... something to do with the chemicals or something hopefully. anyway. that guy is awesome. although... three packs of chocolate digestives?!!

swan lake? meadows marathon. colors of malaysia. nic & sharon coming to visit respectively.

unfortunately until then
calcium lectures, ICA, SSC

sometimes people just keep on doing stupid things no matter what. honestly, i could cry from frustration. i know there is no answer, i know i phail. just. WHY is it that every time i fail, i need to first come to terms with it myself, then have to account for it all over again?! what form of flagellation, of mortification, of water torture is this?! endure, yeah, blabla. WORLD, CAN YOU MAKE THIS EASIER FOR ME? evidently not. its like rubbing salt into a cut.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

somewhere in the middle

just how close can i get to my surrender/ without losing all control
reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
deep water faith in the shallow end
the God we want and the God who is
will we trade our dreams for His

__________
i guess in everything there is something to learn. I did not conduct myself in a way that is worthy of respect, so you do not respect me. It's just been a long time since I needed to, I guess. I miss sitting down outside classrooms suddenly with people who understood. but i think you understand, okay, maybe not 100% of the time, but you more or less get it. and even if you don't, you dont judge me, or hate me for it? is this kind of friend the best, or the worst? the best cos you can do anything with them, but on one hand do people respect you more or less for what they see?

well anyway, one learns. i had it coming honestly. i am exactly the same as all those years back with the things under my desk. maybe witter, funnier, depending on who is listening and how good a mood they are in. depending on how self-deprecating or how much i compromise.

but then again, i always liked it when i was in the pits because it is from there that you can get better :) and no one is perfect. i prefer people who know they have things to improve on, as long as they are trying, compared to those who think they are perfect and know everything. because NO. ONE. IS. but i get it. you dont always have to tell people when something is wrong. you can tell the trees, or rabbits, or quiet shelves of books in the library at midnight. the cobblestones and the streetlights. the lone horse being ridden past ribbons of cars.

you can sign out of the umblincal cord of msn, when it gets too much. you dont have to help people if it hurts too much. you dont have to entertain someone when you can barely keep your own head above water. this lent im supposed to endure, right? does that include being nice when you dont feel like it? NO. but it does include behaving appropriately. and as my room magically neatens itself up like mary poppins is here, i start to feel more normal. like my life straightens up. i can do this. i can.

life is really very strange

here are the poems i wrote for you:
blue moon; i do not love you; weather forecast; Where I should Not Have Gone, the truth is, to forget, it ended.

and it encapsulates it quite well doesn't it. i'm not quite sure why even now it feels so strange, or why it lasted so long.

maybe just - that life isn't that bad. and always do unto others what you would have done unto you. and take care. i havent remembered this (that much) for some time now. but even so, things change. and one can change things.

i choose to be happy. i choose to do the things only that make me happy. and if the thought of you can do that then for sure yes. but then again it cant be forever and i knew that from the start too. just as i have made the choice i have made reccently, i also know that this is the perfect time to set my heart free.

perhaps i needed to hold on to it, to save me from this other insanity. and for that, i thank you. now, both stupidities are completely finished.

the lost get found

Honestly? I don't even know whether to be encouraged or discouraged. Just feel so freaking tired all. The. Time. Maybe I have hypithyroidism HAHA. But too tired & busy to check that out. Talk about medstudentitis. (its our PBL topic now)

Anyway endurance etc. I think all this does help, in some really strange inexplicable way. The significance of it is probably less than zero. But anything that puts a smile on your face, is worth it.

tonight must
- sort research thingy
- check davidsons see anymore pbl stuff to print
- do anat

Monday, February 22, 2010

lenten promise

listening to: Lamentations - In Te Domine speravi

have been toying with all manner of ideas, from giving up cake to fasting to being extra nice to people. to study more and chat on msn less. but all these things have worldly end points - to lose weight, to gain friends and minimise enemies and conflict. oh trust me, these are all things i would very much like. but i just didn't, in the words of c "feel peace about it".

anyway, since ash wednesday i have eaten much longed for desserts, pizza, a ten course chinese dinner, as well as today - gelato and an italian lunch. SO. i think the fasting.... er....

so i think this lent - i will learn endurance.

(paraphrased from some random site)
how to endure misunderstandings from others with peace of mind, suffer without self-pity, putting up with discomfort or distaste without becoming bitter about what we are tempted to consider injustice on the part of God, being more generous about doing what we know what God wants us to do, although it is painful.

how well i will do this is doubtful, but i must try. and stop saying LIFE IS UNFAIR. because i know that sure, i may not have the 10000 things others seem to have, but there are certainly things i have that others don't. and unless you walk miles in peoples' shoes, you will never know.

there are more concrete things also, not entirely sure what they will be but definitely
1. skyping more
2. no watching hours of korean dramas
3. keeping my room neat
4. no random cereal fests at funny hours. (clashes with 1 but hopefully this will be sorted out)
5. being more real with people.
6. forgiving people who have hurt me, knowingly or unknowingly, in the past, or those who continue to do so, because i willingly let them, and wish them to.
sometimes it really amuses me the way things turn out. sometimes you think you dont mean anything to someone but then they pop up and say something sweet or help you out in an unexpected way. or you completely gave up on a friendship but then in the end it all turned out for good and stronger than before.

sometimes you have also got to realise that truly people may or may not actually care about you as a person. and that restraint, wisdom, discernment are all things that have to be exercised, no matter what the circumstances are or how persuasive they are. in this case, things have been put to -hopefully - good. but i am not blameless, far from it. and i should stop it before it gets out of hand. i have to live with myself firstly and foremostly (and then secondly whoever is living with me has to live with the outfall and complaints and dramatic stories). and then thirdly i have my sets of loyalties.

and in the big picture, i need to categorise hormones, and my life. literally. and work it out in a way such that i can do what i need to do. because complete boredom, as today has established, does not miraculously equate to scary motivation.

that said, these nights spent in the library straight from the church and hymns "fourty days and fourty nights......" seem to be the most peaceful, where the most essential things miraculously get done, revelations made, epiphanies to be had.

right now i feel like...
- having a long run in the meadows
- baking cookies
- eating korean food
- reading really good poetry
- having a non-recriminatory, illuminating talk with someone dear to me, that doesnt result in delusion, or sadness, or anything. just banter i guess ;p

but instead i have to
- finish pbl
- do laundry
- complete vacation project forms
- print lecture notes

fun times

times like this

you realise that it may have seemed like the stupidest thing to do, and was,
but that you had no other choice, and thank goodness you did it. because HONESTLY....
i think it's like this: when life is exciting i'm too busy to do work, and when it is boring, inertia prevents me from doing anything.

and then three weeks before exams sheer fear kicks in and i just have to go for it hoping the world will still speak to me after it all ends. and then i wonder why i don't do well enough, or why people get annoyed with me, or why my life is not perfect. oh well.

Sunday, February 21, 2010















why on earth do i feel so tired?!
oh, you have no idea

It's all I have to bring today –
This, and my heart beside –
This, and my heart, and all the fields –
And all the meadows wide –
Be sure you count – should I forget
Some one the sum could tell –
This, and my heart, and all the Bees
Which in the Clover dwell.

Emily Dickinson

___________________________
it was a bad choice, but the worst choice of all was the one i made initially. was it even of my own choosing? anyway, i can't go back on that now. even worse, is how i can't retract the things i've said. i didn't know this way would hurt even more, if not, i would not have done it.

staple it together

i think there must be some kind of symbolism in how first i bought stapler bullets too big for my existing staplers, then a big pink stapler which was too big for the bullets

...

posters

my room is now full of posters. quite strange coz i suddenly felt compelled to put it up just after we found a place? anyway this past week has been crazy busy, i'm still praying it all turns out well.

not to be counting my chickens or anything but so far it's ok, just keep praying, it seems to have worked. thanks _______ :) v good advice now whenever i face a difficult situation or whatever i just pray, i look slightly mad, muttering to myself in random places, but WHATEVER works. heh once coming back from library coz my computer had a virus, met kirsty my ex ssc groupmate... she was like "hey!" then "... are you okay?" HAHA good thing no more peer feedback to fill up eh

what's been happening... foodfest, cny steamboat, lek tau suan (and assorted complicationssssss but its ok worth it la worth it), pizza express, cny dinner at lee on (cough squid of many children?!). oh and the v happening ssc meeting in library which was very funny somehow heh. played around with dodgy flash as j and j busted their heads over neurosurgery, both j and me got flu as a result, me less so. but STILL woolly-headed enough to cause the fire-engine debacle i will probably never hear the end of.

not very lent-like activities oh no. ok LENT STARTS NOW

to my flatmates who dont read this... haha
i woke up one morning and realised i will miss this... the kitchen talks, the random boxes in the dining room and hallway, our roster for kitchen towels and toilet tissue, borrowing random things, the internet going off at the most essential times. but we still have a few months left! just know that i treasure the friendships and all and everything is for the best :) im sorry im such a creature of change and everything. and for my disastrous cooking exploits thus far. esp the fire alarm yesterday. VV SORRY. you guys are the first people i have stayed with excepting family so its definitely something i will always rmb :)

to j, g, i: THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING and may next year be awesome :) i will practice cooking more, but staying away from it for one week (if i set off 2 fire alarms in the same week no one might forgive me..) and my room will be pristinee and a joy to behold. working on that now with pretty posterss

to c: thank you for your counsel although as usual, i have forgotten the content or overarching points in it, erm i think it was good logic. and thank you for the use of your phone to send intruiging smses when i only had four cents left. that's 2x two cents worth... ;p

Monday, February 15, 2010

randomly thinking about what we mean to other people, how we show that we care for them, and vice versa. i know it seems sometimes like i let the most random people affect me. the funny thing is when talking to a about b or c about d (for instance), a will tell me i am too nice to b/ b is bullying me. and b will say the same about a etc etc.... or c will get annoyed that i let d affect me. the truth is... ALL of my friendships affect me. of course at different times and different circumstances. i am both social and anti-social, both unreasonably independent and yet easily compelled to help people/ agree to what they ask (ie get bullied.)

doesn't mean i hate anyone particularly, even if i dont agree with EVERY single thing they do at any given moment. i actually love all of them a lot. heh vday talk. and very often people who haven't done anything have a profound effect on me, annoying greatly people who have listened at length to my philosophical treatises on the unfairness of life with respect to the aforementioned people who haven't done much except to exist or text a few times. for instance i'm sure it wasn't entirely fair to say how much d means to me to the rg people who were forced to listen to long discussions about him. but NOW of course it's perfectly reasonable to say he is awesome etc :) for what i do now subject him to: i am REALLY sorry, thank you so much for always listening and offering to fly over and beat up people who bully me/ break my heart ;p (albeit if i buy the plane tickets -_-)

that's just the way it is you know? people have symbolic effects on your life for the stupidest reasons. that's the point of things.

reaally full from steamboat now. and apple strudel and ice cream. and was too lazy to run today. HAHA. okay yes starting next week hard training!!! and raising $$ i wonder if skip will be annoyed if i dont raise enough and they have to pay my runner's fee HAHAAH

night dudes. may endocrinology be a better module :) may we all be happier, more productive people, who are better at baking/ laundry/ housekeeping and more religious/ trusting/ witty/ less concerned with feelings and just balls of contentment basically.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

lent is coming

barring rain or snow, i will go for my long-awaited long run. and like jeremy's bus, everything will be okay after.

one should never think things like "it cant get worse than this". oh well, if you know that life sucks, at least you're vaguely prepared right? since what's done is done, all i can do it to hang it up to dry and hope that at least i learn something from it.

and i think that that is an unfair accusation because between me and my close friends, its a two way thing. and that is the entire reason i consider them CLOSE FRIENDS. when i have problems i go to them and vice versa. when setting priorities between people i have well, certainly not undying, but a certain amount of loyalty to certain people (im sure you guys would know to who). and that is because there is something precious about having shared your innermmost thoughts with people and having them do the same. to be sure, i do that with a few people, not really just one or two, but all the same the experience of doing that, and the differing personalities of these people make painful things seem funny or less ridiculous, boring times less so, and remind me that life is insane, but people will be there for you, maybe not 24/7; that's unreasonable, but very nearly almost all the time you are not alone. SO THERE.

THAT SAId i am perfectly capable of subsisting alone and putting my head down and doing work (although sadly this semester this has not come to pass, thanks to some things). i guess it's just that when you feel you need to reach out then there is a support system. so everyone might think me mad but at least i won't combust out of depression.

i have to stop here la. the exact details are furry. but definitely there are things to be learnt from this; i see it clear as glass and bright as sunshine. i will have to dam my emotions, only let my hamsters of happiness escape their cages occasionally, or they will chew the cushions and let out the stuffing. fun laughter peace joy is good, momentary happiness is good, some things are ridiculously symbolic and i couldn't help it. but i have to help what i can. thank you for all of it, really.

YAY FOODFEST!!

just want to say YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING. i didnt spend nearly as much time in prep (if you dont count the dance, but i enjoyed it so i dont consider it as work) as u guys, or crack my head planning logistics (cept maybe the one day of running around ferrying one or two items), and mostly just bummed around dancing to bollywood songs & eating popiah, nasi lemak, laksa and kaya toast, all of which were SUPER YUM!

BUT i know how much effort u guys put in. best chinese new year eve to remember, oh and the thing i was previously angsting about was the PUSSY WILLOW not plum tree. oh well. anyways. i called home when we were doing makeup in the toilet. after the event, i tried to decide should i go for a cny dinner involving most of the cell (which as previously established means a lot to me), but i stayed coz, i dont know, i just feel very invested in this thing HAHA and ya wanted to help m & j. was quite high, and had a v cool time. DID I MENTION I HAVE MUAH CHEE and POPIAH in my fridge. also ikan bilis and bubble tea pearls... haha also talked to k quite abit, havent talked to him that much this sem so i really really am happy i stayed. although there was a bit of internal struggle there. but yes. love you guys :)

happy cny you guys (including the singapore/us/uk people)
<3 me

Friday, February 12, 2010

there is something poetic about songs in a different language

if you are going to go or leave,
fix my heart first
so that i can live my life without pain

so tired i cant even move. how

cny

Should have said yes to the cny care package. I AM AN IDIOT.

Things I miss about CNY
Everyone stressing about getting the shui mei
Finally procuring a shui mei
Everyone frantically deshelling the shui mei buds and tying red ribbons around it
Yu sheng

Looking through years of memorabilia when doing spring cleaning
Invariably finding the diary I kept since p3 and writing an update in it (haven't done this for the past 2 years for obvious reasons)
Helping to cook the new year's eve dinner
Pineapple tarts, love letters and the like
Waking up to find the house gleaming and sparkling as if fairies had cleaned it overnight

You can send over some cookies but.... how to send over the midnight plum tree sorties? I never thought I'd miss that the most of all. Groggy from sleep, the pale white shells cluster around the base of the vase like a kind of snow. But the next morning, it is spring and all in full bloom.

Today the kitchen was filled with pale green jelly, pots and pans all ready for the attack. We stood around finishing off the last of the cny cookies made by my flatmates' cell group. I feel like going to tesco and buying oranges indiscriminately. And plums.

beyonce- poison

You're bad for me I clearly get it
I dont see how something good could come from loving you/
I'm not sure what to do its a catch 22
cause the cure is found in you I dont want it but I do

Woke up today aching from dance. I need to run pack my room for CNY. Help m make agar agar at 4pm also. Learn how to spin gracefully (this might never happen)

Saturday morning hopefullyy run again, start toasting madly.

I feel sad I couldnt do the scholarship app for my research project =( but the stress of having to do it was even worse. RIGHT?!! Nevermind...
ookayy perspective yo... its not the end of the world etc. life is not perfect, who doesnt know that. neuro examination revision went quite well, thanks michelle & matt for letting me whack you guys with the tendon hammer!

feel strangely zen now. maybe sometimes having to rationalise things and find the goodness in things just makes it unecessarily complicated. sometimes you just have to say WHY?! WHY?! instead of coming up with reasons or beating yourself up about it. needless to say that i am not blameless but i think i established that right at the start so TIME TO TAKE A BREAK from self-recrimination.

it was just walking home in the dark with bread that weighed a ton (feeling quite virtuous for helping out HHAHA dont blame me every little thing counts. and they do need help.) and laying things out that helped. i dont have any noble prayers or wishes or logical arguments to offer, i dont have any eloquently phrased requests, anything i want to know any longer, or poetic odes to mailboxes or flowers or feelings. and strangely that was enough. not needing to send anymore prayers up about it, because i dont feel the compulsion or the need to, or perhaps because i have just simply run out of the words to do so.

(i do have one prayer, but God knows that. with some luck, at least that will come to pass...)

Thursday, February 11, 2010

it's never enough

I havent been a good friend/ student/ daughter lately. Never have been really.

But actually, haven't been a good human being lately. Never WILL BE for that matter. Unless I'm doing something significantly altruistic, its pretty hard to feel that. Even so, for everyone I help, there is something I am ignoring, something else I should be doing. Cause I can't do ten things at once. Sue me, say I'm despicable, lazy, procrastinating, inept. aLL of these things are perfectly true, I admit it.

Going to do full neuro exam today, forced j to practice it with me, thank you!! :) Feel great trepidation on this count, but what to dooooooo. Looking forward to long run on sunday.

Maybe I never will be okay. How could I be?! Honestly... and the more I talk about it, the worse it gets. Just... just stop trying to help. I know I can't stop either but that's not the point. No one can or has to save me, but you can prevent me shooting myself in the foot, or prevent me unknowingly spilling my internal organs out onto the table. Just DONT LISTEN TO ME. Let me lock myself up and then eventually maybe I will forget. Haha. Hahaha. Well whatever it is this is not working, not through anyone's fault. Some things just will never be made good, not in this season at least. This is one of them. It doesnt mean im an ingrate, or insufficiently religious, or whatever. Or that my faith is flawed. It is not perfect for sure but this has nothing to do with faith. Just life circumstances. And stuff.

Anyway going to be late. ARGH

glomerulonephritis

is actually v cool :)

It's what inspires you that counts. Moving from one impossibility to the next. I can't say I don't feel upset, yet, I've been prepared for this from day one and all the days in between. And as much as I knew, I also knew the nos were louder than the yeses.

This is a valuable lesson, and the sort not worth it just to have to learn it.

"i just want to know what i did wrong"
"you didnt do anything wrong!!"

oh really now. thank you though. that does help a smidgen.

Just get me through Saturday, then eat muah chee :) Then long run on Sunday, and I think I have some things to confess.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

when the physical pain takes over, everything stands still

all the small things, stupid ideas, pseudo feelings seem unimportant.

i may be inefficient and imperfect, i may feel too much, think too much for my own good. but watching grey's anatomy never fails to make me realise two things. That life is good in the face of horribleness. That knowing you are not going to die from horribleness is the point, not being blindly happy despite nasty things. And secondly that I really want to be a surgeon. Goodness only knows if I can or not but I think i owe myself this much, to give it a go next year and see how well I can handle it.

the worst is over, and this time was less painful, less havoc was wreaked compared to last time

it will never stop. but frankly? i dont want it to stop
in the end, it will be ok,
if it's not ok, it's not the end

thats the point. i dont want it to be end. so i am ok, that it is not ok.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

http://athomeinmyfathershouse.blogspot.com/2010/02/letter-of-love-from-your-father.html
If you seek me with all your heart,
you will find me.
Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you
the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gave you those desires.
Philippians 2:13
I am able to do more for you
than you could possibly imagine.
Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager.
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
I am also the Father who comforts you
in all your troubles.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
When you are brokenhearted,
I am close to you.
Psalm 34:18
just wanted to say thanks to a certain j who nearly always has to bear the brunt of my angst especially the extra dose of it when i pms... really thank you.

SO TIRED

new epiphany: always say nice things to people. no one likes hearing criticism. SERIOUSLY. it is. hurtful. generally. even in the best intentions.

Monday, February 8, 2010

i went back to where it all started, just to have a think about it.

and.... God is in there, somewhere. Really. Trust me on this one. I think I can tell when I am motivated by the truth and when I just plain want something coz it's shiny and happy and nice.

Even more than that, things really happened in a certain... characteristic way? Or should I say, there was a PATTERN to it. Like everything that had occured before did so for a reason. And that is why I have never been able to shake it.

Nevertheless, I also know that for every part that is meant, there are also things I have to learn along the way. The obstructions and difficulties mean that either it is never meant to be, or not now. Either way, I can accept it perfectly. Well. I can accept it imperfectly, where I occasionally fall and need to seek the help of others to put me back onto the right path and set my priorities right. But I should hope it never becomes too ridiculous.

What is happening now is EXTREMELY inane. It is either all my own fault, or part of a cosmic grand plan. As much as I would like the cosmic plan I suspect a lot of it is my failed attempt to learn from m's intelligent shennigans ;p

I have learnt a lot though, whether it was meant to be this way or not. So apart from the fact that I feel like I've just been through a cycle of laundry, I'm good.

Just that - this is sacred to me, so please don't denigrate it. I've never dared to sully it in any way because of what it means to me. If circumstances arise such that whatever's left at the heart of it falls apart spontaneously, so be it. But don't be the catalyst. Because I seriously doubt that anything, even the greatest love in the world, let alone dubiousness and newness, could allow me to forgive the thing or person that kills this memory that is so important to me. This is the closest thing to my religion I know, it is linked to the goodness of God, it is linked to my calling. It will self-destruct, or slowly fade, or fix itself in transit. But I could NOT FORGIVE an external force who ever caused this to happen.

But that said, I think He will pull through. I will give up my keys for this. Please let it be ok.
woke up ridiculouly late, but with an over-inflated sense of achievement :) HAH finished it!!

kimchi for lunch(that i didnt have to cook! YAY), then packed my room.

now slogging through the final renal pbl, life is really good.

emphatically ignoring the carnival of charades. not a sign not a sign lor. hey i wasnt the one who said it!!
this is getting crazy
i will stop it, soon. i promise. God will show me the way, of that i have no doubt. He would not show me so easily what will HAPPEN just for every small thing. I can pray for that but that is not, from experience, going to happen. But I am absolutely assured that he will get me out of this mess. :) So with hope and all, I will be a cleanliness champion in 1 hr's time ;p

Judging from the state of my room that title sounds really ironic

Sunday, February 7, 2010

hi guys
ive made a resolution which will probably fail but i've got to try. from now on i'm going to be insanely happy and not talk about how life is unfair/ we are all imperfect/ other more specific, never-ending sources of angst. ie, i am NOT going to talk about My Stuff. So please don't ask me about it or make me. Surely I can carry on conversations without resorting to that? Okay according to my timetable 12 mins to do pbl. hahaha
i hurt everywhere

ambitious 50min training run with diana at gym then 2 hrs of dance pract... and somehow bummed until 3am. Woke up and... eurgh.

just wanna say thanks for the concern. i may deny it but i feel this profound sense of loss. i'm not sure whether it hurts more to have fantasy or reality taken away, but nevertheless there is something there (that doesn't love a wall ;p) frost!!

d- thanks for grounding me in theology and stuff. really appreciate it. i seriously think most of my catholic knowledge is directly or indirectly due to you.

dance is coming along goot! let's hope this good turn of events continuesss

1. cleanliness champions
2. pbl
3. write up lects
3. church
4. gym
5. laundry
6. return books
7. set up printer
8. pack room for cny
9. shower

HOW HOW HOW
oh
10. sort out research funding
11. ssc
12. ignore things

Saturday, February 6, 2010

smile

What did I say again about leaning on people?

it's my own fault, for perpetuating cliches. just take it all as your own fault, coz if you blame the world, it gets too complicated. God, where is God in all of this? I dont know, I dont want to say, because I dont have the benefit of hindsight, but my emotions are clouded and I cant think straight. Im stopping myself from being upset?! Why?! Well not full-blown upset. Why does it seem like such a big thing anyway? Because to other people, this is merely a thing in passing, amusements at the circus, a book you pick up and put down. To me, this is countless overdue books, ridiculous fines being racked up, fantastic amounts of thinking put into choosing the books, thinking to myself I must return them, etc.

I have gone to so many extremes in the past, that now I am too tired to make resolutions either way. Whatever I do I realise nothing changes. That is the main thing I have learnt. So what to do, but learn to deal with it. ALONE.

If I have done anything stupid, just know that it already went through all my filters. Except maybe the glomerular filter... ahaha. And that i couldnt have stopped it even if i tried. I have no regrets at all, make no apologies, make no move to restore anything. what goes, goes. you cant hold on to anything including dreams...

last night i realised that it's putting material things before God that's bad. all forms of addiction are bad precisely because of that. well i'm doomed because i'm addicted to soooo many things including watching tv on my laptop.... urgh.... but nevermind, God created creativity and watching tv is appreciating the beauty he has created in the world. yes.

but i will put him first. study is good because im doing a course im called to and being a good student glorifies him. bumming around and thinking about things which will never come to fruition is not good, unless it results in good poetry. things which dont are not worth their happening. dancing is good because it makes me feel that life is beautiful. when i dance, i can believe in God's goodness. all these stupid things, if i absolutely have to, i can think about them. but i must, somewhere else, make sure i make it for mass on time, make sure i leave time for my friends, make sure i dont burden people with them. anyway, i know now, there is no such thing as a burden. because its all a delusion. i never stop believing, why?!!!

DONT WORRY. i will truly never believe again. no matter what. all you guys who are about to die of boredom from my long soap operas, take heart. i will be thoroughly interesting, light-hearted, happy. ready to listen to your own soap operas. an inspiration. fantastically motivated and not eternally slumped in the trough of despair, needing people to lift me up. all that is over see, God turns everything to good. where all this mental fluff is going to go... that i dont know. i think it will be burnt in the incinerator with all the unwanted drifts, quite soon now. i am going to be like the happy robot in h2g2. because anyway, my philosophies pivot around the same things forever. i GIVE UP. philosophy never did me any good and never will. i know i always say i give up but sometimes something will be the last straw. and this is a STRAW HAT. as long as i live, i will never believe again. i hope one day this knot will be unknotted, but i don't believe that i can ever do it. nevertheless, i fear to think of what would happen if i did.

Anyway on another note last nights cell social was v nice :) heh lovely talks and b& j and utter hilarity. what more could you ask for?

Thursday, February 4, 2010

C.N Blue - I'm a loner

Motivation is such a strange thing. Sometimes I fall into bed happily having ticked off everything on my to do lists plus done revision, and gone running, and cooked amazing and exotic stuff for the first time to boot. (Ok, these times are sadly rare.. haha) Most of the time I drag my feet just barely making it to essential things on time, stay up until 4am to do vile pbl cases, eat oatmeal for three meals, or have to go down to the little shop below my flat to get emergency supplies coz of bad planning. Or shop at sainsbury's for a few weeks running. Ooops.

Unearthed some highlighters I bought at home, they have different smells! Really cute :) My new obsession is now korean songs, thanks to over-watching of korean dramas. So was checking out new groups, and one of them writes in english!! Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the guy who acts as Shin-Woo in you're beautiful, he sings well etc, but his english lyrics ah... it's seriously like those magnetic fridge poetry. I think it's coz of the differing sentence structures la.

overdue library books, acid-base, meadows and gp practicals await. i love this i do, but. small things help you make it through.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

what can i say

DUST OF SNOW

The way a crow
Shook down on me
The dust of snow
From a hemlock tree
Has given my heart
A change of mood
And saved some part
Of a day I had rued.


Robert Frost

He says it better than I ever could've. :) Woke up today to a snowfall, the happiest thing I had ever seen. The only thing is it also created more questions than I care to think about right now.

Although the stuff right now we're doing in school is not really scincilliating nor thought-provoking, just annoyingly complex without being intriguingly taxing the way cardio physiology was, it is teaching me more about what I want to do next time than I ever imagined. But neuro is still v cool. Haha.

11.30-1.30 FINISH FOUR LECTURES. HAHA
1.30-2 pack bag
2-8.30 SLEEP

wed
4 lectures, summer research meeting, start writing up lectures -_- night - maybe go for contemp? went for a hip hop class tonight. it WAS AMAZING. now I know how to get unwanted thoughts out of my mind :)

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

i need to know when to stop, and go. too many times reccently i've been late for things. and that applies to many things in life. no matter how swimmingly things are going, you need to know when it will ultimately be best to. just. stop.

didn't particularly do THAT much today per se (yet. just wait till my midnight efficiency kicks in! well it'd better...) but i settled a lot of things hanging over my head... emails i'd been putting off etc.

cannot think of a PBL case i have disliked more, even the horrific one on gas exchange in year one. quick quick finish it and print it off!!

Monday, February 1, 2010

also the current pbl is all the complications of chronic renal disease and wow it certainly isnt a pretty picture... in a while i'll have to do the treatments which is equally, if not even more depressing

actually few things in med get me down, surprisingly, coz i have the attitude that the whole point of doctors is to help as much as possible. although going through all the cancer files during research project few years back did require quite a bit of downtime and stuff to combat the sad stories all running along the same lines, i mean... renal disease is really really not fun. i guess some things just affect people more. i dont think i could be a renal doctor, or an oncologist :( but these are really worthy things, just not within my capibilities.

trying to finish this tonight, this is the last thing i wish to have hanging round the corners of my mind, now and ever
not sure if i've managed to miraculously conceal how i have been falling to pieces over the past few weeks, but seeing as it happens on a regular basis, my body probably has some compensatory mechanisms up its sleeve...

ANYWAY in essence, i've been indulging angst and all manner of unsavory habits (EG. COMPLETE LACK OF STUDYING, and barely token amounts of running... i'm running meadows marathon in march, did i say someone should save me from myself, again?!) to a ridiculous extent. Sure, these things aren't new to me, but evidently for some reason I am unable to use these things to HELP normal daily living these days; now whenever I get upset about anything everything crumbles immediately.

It's not that I haven't been doing cool stuff either, just that per normal my troubles overshadow all the cool things. Oh well. It's good to be sane again, I guess. Managed to get myself out of the house in time for a reasonable amount of mass... rather nice chat with fellow medics after mass heh.

In the spirit of trying to turn the gloom into something more closely approximating happiness, dance is now beginning to be nerve-wrackingly near, I hadn't really realised what I got myself into coz I'd been too happy thinking of bollywood dancing.... BUT it's been really nice getting closer to r, d, m, j, e :) And the guys are very very sporting. Hhahaah.. I'm glad its them actually coz I literally can't imagine anyone else being game enough to do all that stuff!

I've also done a smidgen more PBL, traumatised by my reccent 4am sojourn that also included rather an angsty and rambling discussion. Nevertheless, that DID clear up a lot of stuff, as well as give me new insight (seriously I just should set up a broken tape recorder to tell me I'm not deluded, it's not my fault, etc huh). Ok seriously I think I did learn some practical tips and cleared up some religious/ philosophical issues I'd been having.

I swear there will be less angsty and more interesting posts here, one day, haha.
Perhaps sometimes in this world, material things do count

Basically, I think I have maxed out how much I can depend on others. NO ONE can save me from myself. This ennui has to be gotten rid of. HOW, i have NO IDEA. AT ALL. GLHGLBHDFLBHFKL
making inspiring playlists now :) MUST. FINISH. PBL today. and then go to church, and then figure out my timetable for next week.