About Me

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

jolin tsai - jia zhuang

dao xian zai wo cai fa xian
ai ni, he ai ni,
dou shi bu neng jia zhuang de

it's not until now that i realised
loving you and not loving you
are both not something i can
hide

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I was running in circles
was only a matter of time
before I found myself drowning in troubled lies
was staring back at what I´d seen for a long, long time
how did I break it?
how did I clear my mind?

-Chorus-
This feeling just gets better all the time
so beautiful in front of me that I can´t believe my eyes
I know if I move ahead time is on my side
I´m free from the circle
they´ll be no regrets this time

I was hiding in places I knew nobody could find
until I found myself spinning in rewind
was staring back at what I´d seen for a long, long time
I had to break it
I had to clear my mind
haha. everytime i get sucked back in. gahhhhh
please let tmr be good.
and the weather be good.
i will mug whole of wed n be vv productive

i hate mineralocorticoid disorders. HATE

For those days we felt like a mistake,
Those times when loves what you hate,
Somehow,
We keep marching on.


For all of the times weve stopped,
For all of the things Im not.
"i'm gonna give aaalll my secrets awayyyy
tell me what you want to hearrrr"

this song could practically have been written for me LOLOL

also i think i chose this route. no one said it would be easy. a thousand times i've tried to give up, and every time i am head-slammed back right onto the road i was heading towards. ok, ok i get it. :)

Monday, March 29, 2010

clearly misguided advice that came 1 day too late anyways.

i don't ever wanna feel/ like i did that day

take me to the place i love/ take me all the way
- rhcp

PS very happy! sharon's coming to visit me soon! hope edinburgh will have pretty weather and everything will go awesome :) :)

pps: last night, ______asked me, so did you learn anything from all that? i said yes, and it saved my life many times. and he said so clearly the same applies for this.

madeleine peyroux - i'm all right

ok, momentary madness there. LIFE STARTS TOMORROW

sorry to all those i inflicted that upon. really sorry. thank u. i owe u guys big time
suddenly the subtitles no longer match. i can no longer make out what anyone is saying. i am sorry that i can never match up what i should feel with what is. and that, even if i open my mouth, the words won't come out. on people's advice - yes no maybe. this is not a ball game. it's that maturity means u cant say what you want to when you want to. i have so many things i need to tell you guys. so many thoughts climbing the hills and fording the rivers. but i can't. i am stupid and inmature but i like it this way.
you know what's the hardest thing? not knowing if i'm doing too much, or too little.

i think i might go for it. or something. maybe honesty with you. because long stretches of not feeling anything interspersed with galactic travels.... really takes it out of one. none of this is fair to anyone. no one deserves this.

but thank you, really. thank you. i am beginning to be like jk from smile you.......... ugh the similarities... haish =(

Sunday, March 28, 2010

some ft island song

i try and forget and erase, but i get reminded of that person more

because of you and because of sin

Friday, March 26, 2010

snow patrol - you could be happy

days, no mornings like this you feel alive.

shimmering orange.

it is not always enough to dwell on the imperfections of this world and realise that everyone faces much the same trials. no. definitely this troubles me more often than i would like to think.

but to walk home in the fog, lines of poetry running through my head. to know that you are not the only one - priceless stuff. another day it will be cause for angst, the thinking you arent good enough shiz. not for today; not for 3am today.

holidays start tomorrow!!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

this really isnt fair. i dont know if it hurts more or less because i actually know precisely how this feels. but that also precisely why. cheongsahamida
actually, this makes perfect sense. this is EXACTLY what we were talking about last friday. whether you show your perfect life, how God worked on hindsight, or whether you show your bumbling way. well, the answer seems obvious isnt it. oh well, too late now. but honestly, if i hadnt leant on my support network all along, i dread to think what would have happened.

i like to think.... God provided the friends to cheer the dreary days up :) and thats my testimony so therE. im sorry i have no perfect answers (well, im living one now but the perfection of it... err... haha. is best talked about after friday)
stressful but happy day :)

all i hope is that, one day, all this will be put to good use. the barrage of medical stuff i know will definitely put me in good stead. the embarrassing situations have given me a thick skin; the years of reaching across oceans, between classrooms, or just across the canteen or kitchen table have taught me how to build my support system like neurons establishing connections. i know only too well now how with some luck, GRACE(for those people who always make noise everytime i mention luck...), faith, hope, and fairy dust awesomeness, good things can happen; good friends can be made.

i just want to know that as well as all this, i can actually be in a position where this makes me a better doctor, a better person. where all my trials and tribulations, frivolous as they may sometimes seem, help me to empathise with people more. put my natural fix-it tendancy plus the headknowledge i have to make it all better. and that i will know as i have always wanted to do that all i have undergone has helped some people beyond their own capabilities. though now i cannot even micromanage an hour of my own time, cannot follow through with the simplest instructions like RUN HERE RUN THERE CALL THIS CALL THAT THEN GO AND RUN FOR AN HOUR. it seems so simple when you write it out like that. i want to one day save people from the scourge of horribleness that life can sometimes become. not by killing them obviously, by alleviating their pain. SO ALL THIS PAIN, TRYING TO SORT OUT SYMPTOMS for ICP, agonising over how to explain them.... right now i want to eat a hat. a big one with flowers and ribbons. it is SO PAINFUL. but it is right where i want to be, right up there with sunshine, my long run of freedom on saturday (glorified needlessly, i can already imagine the torture in my pistoning legs, the muscle knot that will refuse to go away, the swans and ducks laughing at me, the kids sauntering around throwing bread, the calm green hills and lake vistas, the mountain roads and bulldog cars. the wander through tesco on the way home, and mochi from ai hua)

AND palm sunday. and easter. easter means new life, but how many easters ago, i stood there only mouthing the words on easter sunday. i felt like my life was over and i had no purpose. i only prayed that i could keep alive and not combust because i felt so intrinsically dissappointed, like every atom in my body was in the wrong place. there has never been a day since that I could not sing of God. goodness only knows that's what the people felt on good friday, maundy thursday, etc. ok, my time clock is always a bit messed up. heh. BUT for every shitty thing that happens, there is hopefully some good. I AM LIVING THE GOOD PART NOW. wouldnt suspect it would you.

haha. anyway, today was cleansing in many ways. and refreshing. some electrons got excited and jumped ship and i thinkkk i am ok now. you never know when it will come back. (note: no i do not suffer from clinical depression just FYI, merely that i am capable of being more discreet than most people think) but ya i hopee that i will be able to deal with reality and that it will all be good. i dont mind not having what i want in this case... as long as i can truly not mind if you know what i mean. it's all in the mind so i just wanna be content. i dont want to live my life yearning for something that isn't mine, i want to be free of the want rather than let it consume me.

and today with laughter and light and friends PLUS productivity it was like a breath of fresh air. may things always be like this please please please. no of course things are not ever perfect but... some things are close to it.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

oh LOL. is it worth it? yes and no. is it my fault? DEFINITELY NOT. nevermind this too will pass
hehe nothing boppy music can't cure (i hope)

if you have to do ridiculous things to fulfil your wishes then be prepared for equally interesting outcomes, probably not the ones you wanted. and as for that - i'll think about it sometime. but - this is for sure - you know how i always talk about signs from God, which you dismiss, thank you lol. THIS IS REALLY A SIGN. i think i think.

walk on water

really dont know why but all i feel like doing now is throwing up

when i think of the work i have to do, and how i have frittered away my todays. when i think of how i always go offline abruptly cos i dont feel like it. when i think about listening to people discussing their perfections and discussing mine with them in return. when i think about spilling my problems to people and what they must think of me. when i think about not-caring, not wanting to care, not caring anymore, all these take effort and energy. how the sun has set before i did what i wanted to. how i just feel sick to my stomach at the thought of something i always wanted so much, but now it just fills me with dread and disgust. something i should have given up a whole universe ago, but flowers kept popping up with spring and covered the barren earth.

maybe it's like this. when something you always thought you would like begins to lose its appeal, the things you dislike about life grow bigger until you can't take it anymore. i'm not upset or anything nah. just random ennui on a tuesday evening; and writing about bloody diarrhoea and having no idea what to write next; no idea what my next chapter of my daytime soap opera will be, and this inexplicable urge to throw up

funnily enough i'm now listening to a song called walk on water

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

one republic - secrets

a glimmer of hope. the key to productivity is to make sure i dont get mired in my comfortable room and just hibernate. but there are always clothes to be washed, phone calls to be made, things to be tidied. NEVERENDING.

ps colors of malaysia was v fun! even the ahem curry saga thereafter. hahha. great job guys, really entertaining. also matt's concert was good. the arrangements were so so pretty. and i really like listening to such ethereal music in churches, it seems so magical, no wrong word... what's the word for the way i felt when they lighted the easter bonfire outside the church, and i ran outside to pass someone a message? well, i don't know. religious awe of some sort. like the singing always at the 715 student mass.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

the thing i am learning from all this patient interviews is that basically a lot of people experience a lot of pain, everyday. not fun.

and that i really dont want to think about the future
blair to serena "it was so much easier when it was just about where we sat on the Met steps"

uhhh... NO? has she really forgotten all the bitchfights and backstabbing that went on previously?! now as chuck searches for his mother she's all like "oh get me into the elite society thingy" zzz. but i still like gossip girl muchly heh.

amazingggg run with ivy just now. (i say that now, but it was really torturous at many points, practically to the point of should i turn back or continue? oh it'd be too far to turn back just finish it)

Saturday, March 20, 2010

though it is painful to have such a perfect person to compare myself to, in the same vein(hehe venepuncture) it is v good to have basis for comparison. having already established that i cannot attain perfection at least i can attempt to be slightly better than i already am :)

Friday, March 19, 2010

dixie chicks - wide open spaces

She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes

same old

pride will not allow me to continue this, and evidently it is bad in more ways than one. i cannot take my words back now. so how?
hehe just to bottle this up.

sec 4 i wrote in my blog: drunk on laughter with manyun today
now: ACCIDENTALLY DRUNK ON LAMB STEW WITH ZHUMANYUN!! thank god no hives or anyth cos ICP today

WHY DO SUCH THINGS always happen to us! deacon house, royal mile, random shops near forrest road, waylaying passer-bys (AGAIN TYPICAL EH) to take photos of us in meadows, med sch, our ahem, high ascent of arthur's seat. ok actually it all sounds v tame now but fun! AND HAHAHA our skulking around at dinners, being strange HEHE EXACTLY LIKE CHINA TRIP. of course i'm not living in the past or anyth, maybe because it seems like this has been going on forever ahaha... or maybe cos i have serious shortterm memory, i rmb once being v nostalgic about laughing down the rgs stairs. i STILL SIT DOWN RANDOMLY WHEN LAUGHING lol. what a thing to learn in one's formative years ;p just these days i realise just how much my secondary school and to some extent jc life shaped me. but whatever it is! this somehow is v SYMBOLIC. all those lessons when they talked about med stuff and manyun would say HUMPH ELI YOU'RE ONLY PAYING ATTENTION COS ITS VAGUELY MED RELATED STUFF RIGHT. and then sitting in on my lecture (which was q interesting actually! one of the rare times in my ennui i paid rapt attention hehe. no la endo is v interesting just sometimes it all flies by). and the SYMBOLIC THREADS. esp the running pics at arthur's seat and my short skirt hahaha. i wonder where the video of me running around sunset way in the short skirt we made for film studies is!!

strangely enough i have not ever been extremely nostalgic about anything other than the laughing down the steps, and listening to them talk math over recess. i think this is because manyun & nandita are 2 people that i am confident muchly in the friendship with? that even though we hardly see each other nowadays, and in jc depending on the time of the year (except library shennigans eh), things are always the same hilarity. haha which reminds me: nandita!!! haven't seen you for absolutely ages! and that the history goes back v long for. and i can safely say the day i stepped into rg, as in the very day, *cough orientation* is the day i knew the meaning of happiness. and i know who i have to thank for that. <3 you guys. (debaters, and strangely enough, og people too, but shall save the lyricalism for when nic/ sharon come!) and yea, definitely my strong friendships have made me take people for granted. good i realised that and also it's really awesome to have HAD those friendships. ANYWAY the u.s is v far so MANYUN COME STUDY IN UK FOR YOUR PHD ETC!!
NOW I REMEMBER why i could always bounce back from matters of the... thing near the aorta so easily last time. MYSTERY SOLVED. zhumanyun please come to uk!!! nic & sharon! come come!

that said, last night was amazing fun (note, was high). and its nice to know i can find happiness everywhere in the world :) happy bday gill!!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

the neurological exam is driving me insane -_-

it is prudent, when there are unpleasant things to think about, to presume happy endings for everything :)

take my hands and make them move
take my feet and let them be
swift and beautiful for Thee

hopefully can sleep relatively early and go running tomorrow morning =) =)

take my love, my Lord i pour
at your feet its treasure store

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

AH REALLY
..........

the only nice thing in life is OFFICIALLY RUNNING

Sunday, March 14, 2010

got to face the clouds to find the silver lining

i see it every day
we say it's only living
like life is only pain
i see heartbreak on every face
hurt we can't erase
dreams that fade away
like we're just all lost at sea

so i hope you liked it last time
cuz that will be the final time i
wear my painted smile and sing along

yesterday's where you belong

(ready, i'm ready to show you the doorway/ i think you need to know)

really transcendent run yesterday; i fell and swore to empty roads. then i ran up arthur's seat which had amazing views of the sea and lakes and swans and walked home in the gathering gloom. barring serious injuries obviously i quite like falling. the moment when time stops and you can clearly see that you are going to hit the floor. the crash and feelings of annoyance and injustice welling up inside. getting up and BEASTING A MOUNTAIN after? Priceless. I realise my lack of long distance running these few years has weakened my resolve. Determination is after all possibly like a muscle; you need to keep it from atrophying. Running through gritted teeth, pain and sweat, pushing through discomfort, sprinting furiously uphill into the wind; all these are my versions of the barbaric yawp. Did I disturb the universe? Probably not, but it felt like I could've. It felt like soundless shouting from the rooftops, it felt like rising from the pits to the top of the world.

then had nasi lemak and played monopoly :) :) hehe

Saturday, March 13, 2010

vv happy that i managed to sucessfully make the choc chip cookies! yay! somehow it felt like if i could make a perfect chewy cookie (admittedly some were quite hard.... well i tried...) everything would be ameliorated. all the stresses, worries, obviously unending crises, unhappinesses, self-inflicted conflicts and caring about the world... would be solved by Making the Perfect Cookie. well, of course it didn't. and i honestly wasted alot of time making them. HOWEVER. it was time well spent. i am happy! :)

thank you for your honesties, goodwill and good intentions. thank you for your innocence, and for your suspicion.

i can never figure out if i wrong people or they wrong me. if i can be forgiven, or it's just circumstances.

to my notes: I WILL GET TO YOU. promise. it's like defragmenting a computer.

i will NEVER be simple and uncomplicated. neither can i be completely selfless - nor can i afford to honestly - i have no skills that allow me to put my own life on autopilot and worry about other people. UNFORTUNATELY i sometimes do do that, whether due to a misplaced sense of guilt, or a real enjoyment for random firefighting, i don't know. all i know is sometimes i really feel an honest pull to help people for some reason or perhaps they mean a lot to me. and that distance and time helps a lot of things. and that d is the BEST EXEMPLAR. he stops me from believing in irrational emotions, from wishing things, from reading symbolism in the things around me. all i can do is be completely myself, and that includes relentlessly trying to fix myself, and living on the fragments of wishes and hopes as they fly my way. i believe i too have the freedom of choice. i will choose to believe in love until the end. because that is what makes me me, and without that, dramas lose their allure, life loses its pleasant struggle. the heady combination of questioning and brightness would cease to exist. i must give this its full worth if not the shining light of life would defeat its own purpose.
had grand plans for today. but now, just decompressing, bumming in the hospital lib. falling in the same traps i keep on falling intp. haha. some things never change.

Friday, March 12, 2010

ps yeah i will deal with it on my own, all i can think of is baking to make myself happy. HAHA. next two weeks is ssc and case report. GRAHH. nevermind, at least i more or less settled one domain. i will not drop the ball. i will not drop the ball. i have superhuman strength somewhere within me.

... well. unlikely. but yeah, i'll find a way. it takes too long to go through other people now. too much explaination, then have to argue, then in the end... nothing changes. i'm just glad that my wild fantasies of what could go wrong... didn't. WHEW. that said, life likes to throw curveballs.

God please help me get through the next 2 weeks... starting from the next 40 mins as i do the fastest pbl prep in history. and please help michelle yeo who is mugging her head off right now. she will be a really good lawyer next time! really!! let something really good happen to her, like suddenly finishing reading 40 cases faster than she expected. or something. and thank you for such an amazing friend, thank you for debate which is the magical thing in itself that caused us to meet :)
1 hr to do pbl, can i do it? probably not.

but the probably hardening chocolate chip cookies are my catharsis. cos something changed in me this week. something snapped. the last bit of me that can love something in a person, that cares what people think, completely gave up caring. at the end of it all... THERE IS NO END. i am sick and tired of wasting my brain cells on the opinions of others. because their opinions will never change. my instinct when faced with problems is two fold. a- to push away goodwill because i am stressed, or because i suspect it is not true goodwill. how true can things be la. just take what you can get. b- to be superbly nice to people to make up for the fact that they seem to be annoyed. although i can see the logic, i think it is time to whole-heartedly focus my energies on other things. i can think of a thousand other things to do.

so for three hours, instead of thinking how i could solve the problems of the world, i learnt how not to overbake cookies, measured flour and white and brown sugar down to the last gram. i washed a neverending stream of plates and bowls and forks and spoons, made sure there were no vestiges of oil, did excessive quality control ;p it was nice filling my mind with these thoughts. and now it is time to return to hormones. after the ssc- case report- end of term madness, i shall make apple pie :)

oh, and when i was done i watched smile,you. oh well. life has to be worth living right. the rich people in the show are SO obnoxious!! i know they're supposed to act that way but !! makes me think that i want to live a simple and good life instead of purposely rubbing people's noses in how poor they are. and makes me want to punch them. which is the point. heh.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

nice things

1. a hot shower
2. an empty laundry basket
3. you're beautiful
4. boys over flowers
5. stars falling from the sky
6. smile, you

i think i might have to move to korea. HAHA. smile,you saw me through a really tough afternoon, in which i spent more than an hour just contemplating the mammoth task ahead of me. but later on, it made me realise how much parents love their kids (the mum of the male lead is reaaaaally overprotective, but i totally know where she's coming from) AND THE IMPORTANCE OF FRUGALITY. need a new duvet cover but... practice frugality lah. and seriously no matter what kind of doctor i become, it doesnt matter all thaat much as long as i'm a doctor. that said, the annoying uptight sister is actually pretty cool in her own way. or maybe it's just the white coat... but in all other ways she's such. an. idiot.

med school does make you selfish in a certain way. i hope i never overdo it, except when totally necessary. does that make sense. to prove my love for you guys, i have to do this properly. of course, im also doing it very much for myself. i don't think that negates it, cos if left completely to my own devices i might just watch korean dramas all day long... and my 3 week exam freakout might not entirely be sufficient... haha.

but anyway korean dramas are really so full of humanity, humour, eye-candy and soul candy (compared to which gossip girl feels like an empty shell, but then, gossip girl is appealing precisely because of the unlimited helpings of nastiness and tangled phone-wire relationships between all the characters). although they seem to all involve people getting kicked out of their houses, and the people always fall in love precisely because they get each other into unpleasant situations. so as they stagger home licking their wounds/ glaring at each other in derision and recrimination, and are forced to co-habitate with the person they despise, they er dunno how somehow magically get together. and shout YA!! (hey) and BOOYA (what are you doing) and BO!! (what!!) and stuff. er i highly doubt this works in real life. but nevermind, that's the point of escapism.

so, yes, although i am always grateful for what i am given, being human, the prospect of waking up at 7am to continue the ssc slog is not too appealing. and then lectures, meetings, etcc. and i want to run tomorrow. and pbl. blahblahblah. so this is basically me trying to make excuses for what seems like frivolity.... no, it isn't. precisely that this is what i need to keep me believing in humanity and the goodness of the world. that there are people who will help you when you are down even if you are the one who asked for it, that people are very often ridiculous and unfair, even to people they love. well it all sounds so banal and like the stuff i trot out all the time when you say it like that. but it seems so hilarious and candy-coated and... rainbow colored somehow. goodness knows what that is so. and NOT JUST THAT. they somehow all get themselves out of their funks and live life. and they love their families strongly and fight for what they believe in. and i respect that.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

hehe ok i just do my best and it will be ok. i cant help compromising myself. but i suppose i cant sell my soul however i try so it should be fine. can't say im not trying to hard to be nice, but that beats sullen, idiocy.

everyone is entitled to hard feelings. everyone is human. when you play with people's feelings, in sensitive situations, people will be hurt. its just that if you didnt expect it you're insensitive/ dumb/ just a little bit less human. thats what ive learnt from reccent events, not all directly pertaining to me. it's up to you though to find the right people to tell...

even if people are asking u to spill to them... you dont HAVE to. i resolve to call sharon/ nic/ mich yeo about this kinda stuff AS FIRST PORT OF CALL, it is unfair to tell my guy friends this. dear guys: I AM SORRY. FORGIVE ME. it will never happen again ok? andddd i think u guys are all very eligible ;p hehe
i dont understand. WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I AM ENJOYING THIS?! what part of this is self-torture and self-flagellation, this is the worst penance ever, do people not understand? for ONE second of happiness, i have basically 24 hours per day - the one second of self-doubt and angst. EVERYTIME I MANAGE to get myself out of this by some superhuman means, it comes for me again.

nono NOT WORTH IT. please, for goodness's sake, i can't control it so dont do this to me. you, and you and you who keep telling me i like this. what like! i want to CRY already. nvm. tomorrow i will be ok. i CANT LET THIS AFFECT OTHER THINGS. since i wanted this, i have to deal with it ON MY OWN.

Monday, March 8, 2010

loving 2pm starts =p

to me actually the marker of how much someone cares for you is when they make you drag yourself to the gym or stop eating brownies. heh. thanks guys :) sometimes i feel lucky to have such awesome friendss
on why people should never miss mass. last week was a total disaster. well friday did salvage it but i spent most of the time feeling like a squid. not to mention all the other assorted little things. and then 101 commitments to fulfil... or face not fulfilling, and scheduling conflicts, and THE PROUNOUNCEMENT. argh!!! honestly, SPEECHLESS. also i had to deal with the usual thing that likes to fell me at bad times, and severely test my friendships so i get a good idea of who my friends are, thankyouverymuch NOT.

oh, did i mention crippling self-doubt, greatly related to my... not even achilles heel i'd say, more like achilles TENDON. or maybe achilles' shield would give a better representation of the surface area involved... anyway...

the music today was really beautiful. david yung, if you're reading this, i think you would have approved, loads of it was in incomphrehensible latin. and SATB. or maybe even more than that... it was ethereal. i MADE IT ON TIME TOO!! well 5mins late but beats sneaking in halfway through the sermon through the back door, because i'd been watching tv and feeling crap and dithering whether to go on not... *shamefaced*. sorry God. really very sorry about that. Lenten resolution: to make it to mass on time!!!

anyway i'm really happy some prayers got answered. or should i say, some nagging concerns. not answered per se but somehow it turned out ok. i made some guilty efforts and it was appreciated (THANK YOU, FOR ONCE, THAT IS NICE. why is it people never appreciate the big things you do but the small ones. it's just the TIP OF THE ICEBERG for how much i care yo!!)

and i'm beginning to make a stab at reducing winter fat. no actually, thats an excuse for GREAT LAZINESS. i will probably never get it all off. aaaargh. thank you wy for inspiring me to go for the circuit classs haha. i was literally on my way out the door when i met him. maybe its the improverts heh which put a smile on my face? well anyway finding a way around all my guilt. ALSO just the gettng over all this ridiculous caring about what people think, it really makes a difference. may next week be far better. I SHOULD CERTAINLY HOPE IT IS.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

haha i guess what doesnt kill you makes you stronger.
and there is always something to be learnt from even the most ridiculous things. you can't motivate yourself unless you're stepping out from a whole lotta shit. well me at least.

oh ya cos if i predicate my self-worth on this i might commit harakiri. SO NOT WORTH IT YO.

yayy cookies soon
must buy
1. roasting pan
2. baking tray
3. baking sheets
4. chocolate chips :)

:)

OK enough with the angst

half of bible study + improverts + brownies & waffles and awesome company = :)

i'm sure i can clear up the mess that is my life... eventually. heh.

from the site whereisgod.net ;p

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. (Galatians 6:9)

I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory about to be revealed to us. (Romans 8:18)

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28)
__________________________________

some time ago, i had flu. so malaise and all bad feelings could be ascribed to bacteria and neutrophils and inflammation. now, i no longer have any more excuse for feeling this way. do you know what it feels like, to have your very essence demeaned? that despite the fact that you always try to be the bearer of cheer, it counts for absolutely nothing at all, to the people you most want it to count to? that all your goodness or good intentions are like dust, that in the end, they will say, oh, she was fine, but there were people who were nicer, better, had more faith in God, lived better lives, did a better job.

no matter what, i can't rid myself of these feelings. how on earth should i know why?! why does it matter what people think of me?

so today i want to crush my own sudden self-doubt. that even though it hurts so strongly that my faith and morality should be deemed insufficient by so many people i dearly would like the respect from, I MYSELF know that faith is between me and God. for sure, my religion is far from perfect. but i never want to turn into one of those people who show this stuff outwardly. i know i certainly mean it, i think that is enough. maybe these days, for goodness knows what reason, i have been showing it too much. i have no business evangelising anything when my own life is chugging along at the rate of 1mm/24hours. when i have nothing to show for the glory of God, no good advice for anyone, no joy i can bring to anyone's life anyway. right now it's at the stage where there's only one set of footprints in the sand, and it's not mine. so let that be the testament, because nothing i say can ever be good enough.

all these perfect shiny happy people, who are so good and all. GOOD FOR THEM. i'm not and never will be like that. i think i need to realise that once and for all, because this is like a dog chasing it's own tail, it's like the merry-go-round that never stops. God made me a certain way; my proverbial talents don't lie in being so good people instantly convert, or being such a shining beacon of morality that people are impressed, etc. I DON'T WANT ALL THESE. (no i lie, my pride and humanity makes me want it, very very much.) but thinking about it... who am i to say that i should be able to convince people of things by my virtuosity?! when i cant even deal with the minutae of daily life?! when i gossip and complain and spend my days in sloth. when i am filled with pride and envy and spend mealtimes reading argos catalogues in joyful covetousness?! being a lighthouse of morals for people, well, if you can pull that off well, that's really good. but what i really want to do is to keep my faith between me and God and not care about what other people think of it. what has gone wrong all this while is i mistakenly thought God wanted me to help all these people... maybe he did, they truly did need help for quite a while there... but you know what? my words dont mean anything. i wasnt the one who could help. and the same goes for me. only you and you can help me... BUT YOU CAN'T AND WON'T EVER. all the kind words in the world are just postulations to fill the empty space where the impossibilities lie.

we must stop this; the blind leading the blind. i won't deny that i very much want to be like all these great people. but at the same time, my talent doesn't lie there at all. i could kill myself trying to follow in their footsteps, break my spirit and my soul, stop my endless streams of chatter and laughing. but NO. God made me like this FOR A REASON. i may have my imperfections, but they are exactly what i need to survive in life. how many friendships have been cemented during conversations bubbling over like a stream; how much my determination has served me well all these years; how much comfort and catharsis and happiness running has brought me. so dear God, thank you for making me what i deem to be imperfect. give me the wisdom to know when i can change something, and when i should accept it. Amen.

Friday, March 5, 2010

you know sometimes when you already feel like crap it doesnt really help to read of people who God favors so much more, and who are 100x more holy than you, etc etc. i mean, sometimes this is inspiring stuff. and sometimes... JUST THE WRONG TIME.

i am ok really i am. just my subconscious, aurghhh. did i mention im still not done with PBL?
should be used to this. but every time, i get so broken, so humiliated

i like wandering around at night. and just now seeing people running in groups in the dark, well, that is a pale imitation of planets orbiting the sun; shooting stars and comets that i sighted every monday and thursday. but it made me very happy. it stirred up the memories like the way i stirred rose-colored tang yuan in the yellow-lit kitchen just now, the light reminiscent of the sun-soaked, orange laser fields of turf club; so bright you could hardly open your eyes against the glare of the sun.

peanut filling is like the guilty pleasure of peanut pancakes, a stolen lunch break, crowd-watching at busy underground mrt stations. the trek home from the gym so like those early mornings mountain climbing from the train station up the hills of the day, thinking of the work i will have to do. and all happy, medicine related work :)

i am generally extremely tolerant. but fortunately or unfortunately i do not know, i have a certain breaking point. and in some areas of my life, i have reached that. true, i regretted some decisions. but this one? regret is not the word. there are no words for losing something you never had, for being dragged along on strings on cheese, for the way whether you practice or not, you always mess up the piece your violin teacher proclaims is his favourite.

oh, really

on the bright side, things can't get worse, right? ok, that ranks up there with trying to resist the temptation to bitch about life, and thereby having more shitty things happen in life. ive failed my lenten promise again, awesome.

i will never be mature la i got it already. but i can always wisen up, douse myself in caffeine, do random small good deeds, do the things i was born for. and i clearly know what those are. you see, no matter what i do, i wont get what i want in that aspect. i can be of perfect character and it still isnt enough. it doesnt help of course that my character is far from perfect. BUT i am me, and i have sufficient mental capacities to have confidence in. perhaps not LONG TERM photographic memory or mathematical computing skills, not the manual to life stored in my head, or the innate knowledge of the psychology of people and what makes them tick and which buttons to push.

but i have the ability to subsist when everything seems bleak, i have been blessed with always an avenue open to me, cheer when it seems like fin de siecle. it is true that my many mini crises mean i have a really bad rep in terms of sanity and stablity and things. but at least i havent gone mad yet. and i'm not, well, THAT bitter. and so i'm not going to start now. since people already know i am full of minicrises, why bother reparation. that said, i am trying to lean less on people. balance.

i have the ability to spin things into poetry which magically makes myself feel better. whether it is publishable standard or not, well, that isnt the main point im aiming for. thats a nice bonus, if ever it reaches that level.

no, i cant say that i am wise (altho life generally makes people slightly wiser so improvement.. always good), that i am moral (only in certain aspects. and i hate to show it, so sue me), that i am practical (just look at my delusions that i think about instead of studying)

but today, my eyes are opened and i see

all that has happened, has happened for a reason
i feel stupid, as ever. but just now during icp, i felt really happy. why?! i don't actually know. something about being able to sort out people's problems. in life, i have so many freaking problems. and so does everyone else. just being able to clear, more or less, SOMETHING without going in ten circles verbally or round a track or metaphorically or whatever, seemed so incredibly refreshing. the last of my flu lifted, my icp-mates were newly cheered compared to last week's hungover state. they showed a hilarious video with john cleese.

so, yea, nothing will ever be even remotely close to what i want. but i can chip away at it. i have to say, that i fought my dragons really valiently this time. i fought them like NEVER BEFORE. i am blameless, i am not not not deluded. i sought out everything i could, drew upon all my pillars of strength, tried all sources of wisdom, prayed about it, etc. but no, it will never work. and i am glad, i found this out. i did have some time of happiness about it, despite my brave efforts to resist. this always happens doesnt it. is this God in this or humanity. that was the question i asked you what seems like so long ago now. and.... did you give an answer? i doubt it. but even tho it seemed dumb, i can see it clearly now it cancelled itself all out brilliantly. i knew it wasnt perfection. yes, i wanted it tremendously that is without question. but i also knew there were many unimaginable factors in it all, that ultimately either myself or fate could not surmount. so i surrender it for the thousandth, and final, hopefully, time.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

silver lining

maybe i shouldn't have pleaded so hard last time for this.... shouldn't have said that i'll stand anything just so my wish could come true. but i really even now still take that stand.... just that occasionally you wonder how much one single person can stand. all the random issues popping out like mushrooms... i long since gave up aiming for perfect marks, just dragging myself from deadline to deadline.

but the rafflesian in me still wishes sometimes i would attain that benchmarch.

then the reality that brought me through most of jc just gets myself to knuckle down to work. people who make me sad come and cheer me up randomly, people i put trust in fail me, i have to struggle to remember what i tell whom. aurghh

even if you fall sometimes/ you will have the strength to rise

kutless - that's what faith can do

LOLOLOL

please God may i finish ICA in time and wake up in time to finish it....

and, erm, we're gonna be really religious

please help everything to be ok

I GIVE UP ON LOVE. LOVE DOES NOT EXIST. OK. I GET IT I GET IT. i shall be a happy kid. truthfully sometimes it seems monstrously unfair. BUT NEVERMIND. ya i am sometimes actually incredibly lucky i have to say. it's not ALL BAD.

happy things

1. i think my flu is going away
2. even if it isn't i can go to the gp tomorrow for walk-in consultation at 9am for antibiotics YEAH
3. envisage endorphin overload tonight.
4. the lovelies really are unchangingly lovely, there's something about being able to write all the exactness of angst down in a philosophical sounding way (but we all know what it is heh) and have people do the same back... same wavelength, really? if i see alll of you guys this easter life will be aweeesomeee
5. sushi = YUM. i really felt like i was back in rj like those times we all skipped pe ostensibly to do math but instead had jap food and bummed around

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

everyone has their problems and it's just how one deals with them, that makes all the difference. apologizing to people in advance, and telling them how you wish you were more perfect, less gossipy etc? doesnt make up for when you fail them, personally that is.

no matter where i go, i always seem to fall in this same rut of... GUESS WHAT, BEING MYSELF. i never ever succeed in any endeavor when i'm being myself, but i am always ridiculously happy. so what gives? what can i possibly do to prove my own perfection, to myself, to others? i dont think i ever could actually.

ps, i know you're still angry, im sorry i couldnt oblige. but inasmuch as i would like to just go and sleep now, i can't let everything fall apart. still have obligations, mountains to stumble over. its not that i LOOVE stumbling over them its just, i made this choice and by goodness I'LL DO IT. small things help me get over these hurdles. well, admittedly, that brings up bigger issues. but for now, just one thing at a time.

my emotional state NO LONGER MATTERS. so guys, dont. ask. me. about. it. it's like feeding the animals in the zoo. and will i regret this choice? probably. but do i want to continue this way? NO.
not really sure which is worse
knowing you can't get something, or knowing that even if you did, you've precluded yourself from enjoying it irreversibly, just because of the very essence of your being.

there are so many different levels of letting go of something. every time, i never suspect that there can be another layer added on to this. it just continually amazes me. where is God, guess what, i wonder that too. maybe he's in handel's messiah, in the hard work put in by each violinist to get to that stage, the violin-makers, the bow-makers.

why do i feel like i've run a marathon, when i clearly haven't been?

tomorrow i will get antibiotics from the gp hopefully, and this will clear up, once and for all.

try to lean on people but it's not enough, it's never enough. if you have to lean on people then FOR GOODNESS'S SAKE dont push it. i wont anymore.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

i can't do this.

this is quite cute too

from somewhere in sec 3 i guess

SHIT i have tuition homework. last week's convo with teacher
mr kok: if it was a bad week, explain and i will understand. but cannot like nine out of ten weeks were bad weeks, ah.
-we laugh-
mr kok: elizabeth, your homework?
me: bad week

LOL i was so amusing in sec sch

18th July 2005
friday was guitar concert, and i got home about 11+. saturday was openhousetuitionopenhouse and for some INANE reason half the people who came to the debate booth spoke chinese. Also, we couldn't procure the only cd of our batch speaking, which was quite good in a way since it was really quite embarrassing. SO. In great desperation I brought the FINALS video (ri v ac of last year). This meant that the other half of our visitors didn't even BOTHER talking to us. They were staring at huiyi's laptop and saying things like:
"hey, that guy is actually quite cute!"
"yeah! he's not bad man!"

HMMMMMMM.

AND only one woman visited the film cluster booth while i was there. because we didn't manage to print out the synopsis thing, our spot was empty. this meant there was a blank piece of construction paper on the wall with all the others. Let's just say my attempt to be deep DIDN'T WORK OUT.

parent: so, which film is yours?
eli: that one. (points to blank paper)
parent, pointing to paper next to it: this one?
eli: no, this one (pointing to blank paper). This is for a reason. It's to symbolise our film. Which has an air of mystery about it.
[something tells me the poor woman was thinking 'riiiiiiiiiight', by this time]

woman: so, can i see your film?
eli: it's... a work in progress.
woman: how LONG is this rs thing! tell me more about it!
eli: well it's really fun, we spend a lot of time on filming! until three am in the morning. and then we have to edit, which takes a really long time too..

i'll be quite surprised if her daughter decides to join film cluster after that. =p

Monday, March 1, 2010

find it so amusing that now we look back fondly on sun-soaked memories... which are actually artificially lit montages, posed pictures of the past. And that THE ENTIRE TIME we were wondering how to get to where we are today.

oh well.
just wanted to say heart you guys for everything. some things are clearly God-given and this is one of them... just hope I never lose this

I HATE ICA

dreaming of french villas, canadian winters, holding scalpels, baking cookies

i suppose i could bake.

easter is shaping up to be more exciting than i thought. MAY IT GO WELL, PLEASE.

i'm doing a half-marathon with the tail end of flu, this weekend, which i haven't trained for.

good luck