About Me

Thursday, April 29, 2010

on hindsight, i dont think i was all that happy doing my ica. i NOW recall thinking things like "hahahaha i really hope i pass will be damn malu if i fail and i will hate the people that caused this indirectly forever". so thankfully that worked out well...

in other news, everyone thinks i am mugging. well, lets be honest, if i didnt attempt to look at my notes, or think about studying, i would be a fool. some people can study 1 wk or a few days before exam, good for them. however i am SO FAR from my ideal of how i should be studying that it kills me. i spend most of my time planning my days, only to fail spectacularly. i really need a break. this is ridiculous coz i HAVE BEEN HAVING A BREAK ALL THIS WHILE, so i really dunno what i need a break from. but i still trek down to the royal or the lib, coz at home is like feasting time, or sleeping time. but anyway, when i eventually come home from the royal, its still quite early. so i still have alot of time to eat and sleep. UNFORTUNATELY. main lib is packed full, so i am forced to go to the royal which puts me at the mercy of paying for buses or catching the free bus. and let everyone see me at the comp. today everyone caught me watching glee. HEH. well. good they know what im really doing. blahhhh.

possibly today's blood taking was the most exciting thing that's happened for awhile. hahah
i strained/ sprained/ somehow tripped over a root and whatever UGH after only 30mins of running, GOOD JOB. i hate life. i was LOOKING FORWARD TO IT, and i CANT HAVE IT. so not one of those overdependency things you're supposed to learn a lesson from. just stupidity and sprinting heedlessly at a particularly tree-root filled part of the meadows.

i havent run for SO LONG and i dont have the energy to do anything else today plus i need the exercise. so anyway then i sat on the green grass of the meadows and watched random people play football, walk dogs, have picnics, walk home from school, push prams. it was actually quite serene.

its nothing serious except i cant run if i wanted to. since i often intend to run and dont anyway, i doubt this changes anything. STILL. FREE WILL AND CHOICE!!
i just feel so exhausted for no reason at all. maybe i shouldnt have given blood. oops. oh wellll i hope if i ever need people to do me a favor like that they would too... it was certainly interesting at any rate

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

hahah chance encounters are happifying
and i got A for ICA!! i think this is totally my thing, as compared to icky crit appraisals. why cant we just have all these bmj-style editorial thingies. i remember i had such fun doing this ica coz i was in love with endo at the time so it was a pleasuree

but anyway around 40mins later, its all blah again. BLAHH
there's probably something im missing, some important piece of the puzzle. but truthfully? as long as i am void of all feeling, i really couldnt care less. i dont WANT to feel upset, or conflicted, or confused. its ok, i can be boring for awhile. this is probably some kind of odd peace, and i'm kept here by regular doses of pablo neruda; it is like eating ice-cream, inhaling processed sadness. what must he have gone through to write all that? as i type out his poems into notepad it strikes me that i never want to feel things with such intensity (although it is so beautiful) "the roses of this ocean are only made of impoverished salt"

"the lugubrious blue of its shipwrecked banners
fills with a stridency of silver planets"

the musicality of it is made even more awesome by the fact that he wrote it in spanish? props to the person translating as well... but yeah the imagery stands out significantly too, language aside.

coffee from the coffee machine tastes vile like dishwashing liquid.

more neruda

Like absence spun out, like a sudden bell,
the sea shares out the heart's own sound,
raining, dusking on a lone coast:
night falls without doubts
and the lugubrious blue of its shipwrecked banners
fills with a stridency of silver planets

And the heart sounds like a crabbed shell,
calls: oh sea, oh cry, oh fear dissolved,
scattered in wreckages and dislocated waves:
the sea impeaches sound
for its leaning shadows, its green poppies

- baracole
The roses of this ocean are only made
of impoverished salt, a throat at risk,
water shattered nevertheless
and awe-inspiring birds -
there is nothing save the night met with
the day, and the day met with
a refuge, a
hoof, silence


It is a lonely region, I have already spoken
of that region so desolate
where the earth is brim-full of ocean
and there is no one- only tracks of horses,
no one save the wind, no one
only the rain adding to the sea's waters,
no one, only the rain growing over the sea

- oceanic south

XVII (I do not love you...) by Pablo Neruda
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Monday, April 26, 2010

i'm glad i found st pats :) and lighted the candles. until this day i realise my second home here hasn't been complete. MY RESOLUTION is to take the free bus everyday and spend the extra money on the candles :) and i didn't realise how much i missed seeing the altar boys progress out, ranging from cute kids to sullen teens. SO CUTE.

hehe last night we had flat dinnerrr, where we all ate THE SAME THING AT THE SAME TIME. wow small miracle.

i'm just so happy about today. it really is like not seeing someone for awhile then finally getting to thank them for what they've done. i think finally i've accepted this road. i don't want to be still holding on to the bitterness for so long like some people i know. WHAT'S THE POINT lah. there's a thousand other things to think about. in other news, im accquiring a reputation for being a serious mugger, due to some ill-timed meetings with people ARGHHHH. oh well. it's better than being thought a lazy idiot i SUPPOSE, but SO MALU IF I DO BADLY.

this weekend has been really good detoxing, sort of self-enforced, like i sit infront of the comp but i just can't bring myself to do work so i surf random fashion blogs, vaccum, clean the kitchen, etc. heh. it's quite nice though. and i have no more eloquence inside of me to pray the same prayers. it's not getting dry or anything it's just that... i think i alr have great participation in the way my life is going, i'm getting sick of saying the same things... there are only so many times you can wish for something with great fervour before you just don't wish to discuss it any longer. so quite nice reccently been listening to other problems and finding synonyms and new phrases to send upwards.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

watched lee minho's new drama personal preference, some of the episodes hit closer to home than i would've liked. hahaha lee minho reminds me of _______ SO MUCH (that's a compliment btw). just the whole DONT GO thing was so !!!

on an completely unrelated note, this bit of a matthew west song is particularly catchy:
i love you
more than the sun
and the stars
that i taught how to shine

sanctus real

whatever you're doing inside of me
it feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see


Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly
~

this song epitomizes the whole theme of your ways are higher than my ways which seems to be recurring these days. i can't remember when i first heard it, probably during lector's bible study, and it was probably in readings i've done many times before. "whatever you're doing inside of me/ it feels like chaos but somehow there's peace/ it's hard to surrender to something i can't see".

when i shared about being lost in the darkness before the campfire i was just telling something i thought was a good pun, preventing the actual thing about the cross from coming out, coz im quite sick of having my innermost feelings being laughed at, degraded, and considered disgusting. i remember the thoughts going through my head during those few days were first that i have become more accepting and chill about the whole thing, but that my defenses are easily broken. and then i was led to the conclusion that this is a cross i have to bear.

HOWEVER, after i said my piece, it really struck me. i'm a sucker for symbolism and stuff so. all this stuff about balloons flying away, and burdens and all... i really dont know which is my own imagination and whatnot. BUT this much i do know - i am lost in the darkness, but i am not alone, there are friends with me :) and for everything i am reluctant to go through, like the adventure playground (?!!) briefing with jo in the afternoon - it was so cold, i just trailed along. if i hadn't gone with her, there is no way i would have found the stony path in the dark. furthermore, the path is rocky and not easy ;p last night, the pieces just seemed to fit so perfectly. everything is for a reason, even things which seem inexplicable and silly. and when you think all is lost and the darkness surrounds you - there will be a way to the light :)

Saturday, April 24, 2010

everyone just prioritises things differently. what to do but just suck it up. ah well. haha. ps pccf was fun tonight! tho all of us were reluctant to do the skit it turned out v well!! :)
doing chronic renal disease cal now. i just feel really murderous when studying this topic, no exceptions at all ever. ARGHHHHHHHHH. i hate it SO MUCH. this isnt the usual like when you study something too much and the info fills your head thing. its really straightforward and things. i just.... UGH. i just wish with all my heart this disease with all its complications just didnt exist in the world is what it is. i should become a renal doc to cure it right, but how to when just doing an online learning program about it fills me with such bile and ire?!

Friday, April 23, 2010

The Summer Day

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean--
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down--
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is is you plan to do
With your one wild and precious life?


Mary Oliver

Tonight I can write the saddest lines. Write, for example, "The night is starry and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance."

POETRY

And it was at that age...Poetry arrived
in search of me. I don't know, I don't know where
it came from, from winter or a river.
I don't know how or when,
no, they were not voices, they were not
words, nor silence,
but from a street I was summoned,
from the branches of night,
abruptly from the others,
among violent fires
or returning alone,
there I was without a face
and it touched me.

I did not know what to say, my mouth
had no way
with names
my eyes were blind,
and something started in my soul,
fever or forgotten wings,
and I made my own way,
deciphering
that fire
and I wrote the first faint line,
faint, without substance, pure
nonsense,
pure wisdom
of someone who knows nothing,
and suddenly I saw
the heavens
unfastened
and open,
planets,
palpitating plantations,
shadow perforated,
riddled
with arrows, fire and flowers,
the winding night, the universe.

And I, infinitesimal being,
drunk with the great starry
void,
likeness, image of
mystery,
I felt myself a pure part
of the abyss,
I wheeled with the stars,
my heart broke loose on the wind.


Pablo Neruda

Thursday, April 22, 2010

as i walked out one evening

been having some nice chats with girlfriends reccently :) in greenfields, in the kitchen, on msn etc. ahhh girls just GET IT. butbut i still love the dudes. there's just something about being all froody... i dunno. maybe i associate guys with the kind of awesomeness barney stinson has ;p as in the inherent awesomeness not the promiscuity obviously...

ps this is one of my favorite poems of all time. i still remember doing this in lit class, and hunting for wh auden poetry in the now defunct orchard library after. every stanza is filled with amazing imagery that can be taken one of a thousand ways. i remember my ridiculous postulations about the oceans being hung up to dry and the geese... i dunno, something about domesticity. i love the tea-cup and the hands in the basin bit just seems so lady macbeth.

As I Walked Out One Evening
by W. H. Auden

As I walked out one evening,
Walking down Bristol Street,
The crowds upon the pavement
Were fields of harvest wheat.

And down by the brimming river
I heard a lover sing
Under an arch of the railway:
'Love has no ending.

'I'll love you, dear, I'll love you
Till China and Africa meet,
And the river jumps over the mountain
And the salmon sing in the street,

'I'll love you till the ocean
Is folded and hung up to dry
And the seven stars go squawking
Like geese about the sky.

'The years shall run like rabbits,
For in my arms I hold
The Flower of the Ages,
And the first love of the world.'

But all the clocks in the city
Began to whirr and chime:
'O let not Time deceive you,
You cannot conquer Time.

'In the burrows of the Nightmare
Where Justice naked is,
Time watches from the shadow
And coughs when you would kiss.

'In headaches and in worry
Vaguely life leaks away,
And Time will have his fancy
To-morrow or to-day.

'Into many a green valley
Drifts the appalling snow;
Time breaks the threaded dances
And the diver's brilliant bow.

'O plunge your hands in water,
Plunge them in up to the wrist;
Stare, stare in the basin
And wonder what you've missed.

'The glacier knocks in the cupboard,
The desert sighs in the bed,
And the crack in the tea-cup opens
A lane to the land of the dead.

'Where the beggars raffle the banknotes
And the Giant is enchanting to Jack,
And the Lily-white Boy is a Roarer,
And Jill goes down on her back.

'O look, look in the mirror,
O look in your distress:
Life remains a blessing
Although you cannot bless.

'O stand, stand at the window
As the tears scald and start;
You shall love your crooked neighbour
With your crooked heart.'

It was late, late in the evening,
The lovers they were gone;
The clocks had ceased their chiming,
And the deep river ran on.

pablo neruda and lifehouse

Goldfish Are Ordinary
by Stacie Cassarino

At the pet store on Court Street,
I search for the perfect fish.
The black moor, the blue damsel,
cichlids and neons. Something
to distract your sadness, something
you don't need to love you back.
Maybe a goldfish, the flaring tail,
orange, red-capped, pearled body,
the darting translucence? Goldfish
are ordinary, the boy selling fish
says to me. I turn back to the tank,
all of this grace and brilliance,
such simplicity the self could fail
to see. In three months I'll leave
this city. Today, a chill in the air,
you're reading Beckett fifty blocks
away, I'm looking at the orphaned
bodies of fish, undulant and gold fervor.
Do you want to see aggression?
the boy asks, holding a purple beta fish
to the light while dropping handfuls
of minnows into the bowl. He says,
I know you're a girl and all
but sometimes it's good to see.
Outside, in the rain, we love
with our hands tied,
while things tear away at us.

Love For This Book
by Pablo Neruda
Translated by Clark Zlotchew and Dennis Maloney

In these lonely regions I have been powerful
in the same way as a cheerful tool
or like untrammeled grass which lets loose its seed
or like a dog rolling around in the dew.
Matilde, time will pass wearing out and burning
another skin, other fingernails, other eyes, and then
the algae that lashed our wild rocks,
the waves that unceasingly construct their own whiteness,
all will be firm without us,
all will be ready for the new days,
which will not know our destiny.

What do we leave here but the lost cry
of the seabird, in the sand of winter, in the gusts of wind
that cut our faces and kept us
erect in the light of purity,
as in the heart of an illustrious star?

lifehouse - i want you to know

When will the cycle stop
When will the story end
This is where I get off
Because I cant go there anymore
Its to hard to ignore the signs

~

slept at three last night thinking it was an inconsequential lecture today. well, it wasn't. changed in five minutes flat and endured a walk of shame up the entire george square lt stairs. this lt isnt really designed for latecomers is it. had a fit of productivity in which i finished my pbl. unfortunately this ceased by around noon. had some really interesting dreams. and now - am having an interesting disjunct between the poetry passing by my eyes and the music playing on youtube. it's now ts eliot and hillsong
it's good to know people share the same sentiments as you :)

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

i just wanted the parcel to feel loved i guess. kinda shortage of love these days. but its ok. there are greater things than that. :)
thanks world for the random curveballs, i knew the weekend was too idyllic. apart from chronic inflammation ;p it was really v nice and exhausting, though last yr the destination was admittedly prettier with a fireplace and all, this year i was more involved and i knew everyone better and all.

BUT i am now blasting happy music, and with hiym paused at a really cute screenshot of ted in the middle of some random crazy declaration. ps I LOVE BARNEY STINSON, AND SHELDON and the indian guy in big bang theory!!! hai please let it be ok. i know there are bigger things than my own small problems. and i wont have to wait for bigger probs to happen before i shift my focus away from this niggling stupid thing, i got the message, thanks.

flipping

through my index cards from yr 1 to do my week's pbl, i found THE post-it about a muffin. haha. seems like sucha long time ago. and nothing has changed. I KNOW, I SUCK. what to do lah. and yes, i should have resolved my issues last easter. the longer it takes, the harder it becomes. oops, too late! anyway, thanks for being there all this while. i honestly dont blame you for not wanting to hear about it anymore. i tell my subconscious that all the time too JUST SHUT UP NOW PLEASE. but the same goes for everyone; whether they're a guy or girl or alien from mars. some things are not easily forgotten. hurt and wishing is not something that can ever be erased. even if there are no longer doubts that what you are hoping for might not transpire, cos you more or less know it for sure, it doesnt take away the way one feels. that doesnt dissappear overnight, it will stay forever. that's the way it is.

i really dont want an ugly ending with confrontations and tears, honestly, there's no other way it can be resolved in a nice fashion. so im sorry that a side effect of all this is increased whining on my part to you and others.

also i am a horrible kid. i really am. i hate myself to bits. but there's nothing i can do. so i just whizz on with my frivolities. i am actually slowly freaking out. one month of torture awaits me. i am so scared about it, but i cant tell anyone. i cant ever give anyone this burden. oh goodness. but I WILL DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. maybe i'll buy a bike. heh.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

virtual clinic is v fun :) i feel like house

i think im not gg to talk abt anyth religious for a v long time cos im more of a negative testimony than anything else. haish. i wish it werent that way, but sitting in this thoroughly depressing computer lab thinking thoughts i know arent really that great only makes me realize how i can do things for wrong reasons but that i refuse to be a hypocrite, well to the best of my capacity. and that if this road i take doesnt turn out well, at least id feel some kind of vindication. cos this chill mentality just makes me quite the oppposite of chill. pretending to be shiny happy and pious just doesnt cut it.

do you know what my religion consists of? it consists of me going to God in all my darkest hours, when i have nothing left, and asking him for help. its not that i live a beautiful perfect life and things are dandy forever. i dont think this is a case scenario i can in good conscience use to uplift anyone. all i can say is that... he will be that pair of footprints in the sand when things go wrong. i cannot promise happiness on earth to anyone. and yeah it sounds quite nice like this but in real life, it kinda sucks. im sorry. im sure many other pple can be the harbingers of happiness and joy and eternal cheer. i'm completely unworthy and trying will only kill faith not help it to grow.

anyway, ill never take this road. i keep trying, but it's like an abyss i have to do the standing broad jump over.
God i dont even know how to ask for help anymore to be perfectly honest
nor do i even expect any help
does this come from you? really?
cos if it doesnt it comes from the evil one
and if its just of the world, cant you help me?
cos i can no longer help myself
if whole situation were an fb status id say dislike dislike dislike
ps: thanks for pouring ur doom and gloom on me when i alr feel like dying
The Love-Hat Relationship
by Aaron Belz

I have been thinking about the love-hat relationship.
It is the relationship based on love of one another's hats.
The problem with the love-hat relationship is that it is superficial.
You don't necessarily even know the other person.
Also it is too dependent on whether the other person
is even wearing the favored hat. We all enjoy hats,
but they're not something to build an entire relationship on.
My advice to young people is to like hats but not love them.
Try having like-hat relationships with one another.
See if you can find something interesting about
the personality of the person whose hat you like.

Monday, April 19, 2010

i have alot to say, alot to think about, but i think some things should be internalized, in the name of a rare discretion.

but general points:
yay :), plus good weather, good fellowship. actually it feels interesting cos these are pple i actually lean on not vice versa, and im sorry i cant be a testimony at all in any way. and that i obviously had some unresolved issues etc. BUT nevertheless, was good fun. although i really didnt appreciate being lost in the dark (sorry for my continuous complaints matt!!), i think theres definitely some symbolism there. c's call after was really really sweet plus true :) "...and i love you guys to bits". awww. unfortunately right after he was like "goodness i'm being so politically correct" ohhh and so many funny moments... like the moth, hairdryer ;p good to know my guardian angel stays in my flat also lol! and when i told c "if you see c tell him we took the taboo" -_- i was totally expecting an onslaught of noobnoobnooobnoob but i guess he was in the flow of things, very good ;p

honestly speaking i think my leadership skills leave alot to be desired, but erm i'm sure my heartfelt intentions helped vaguely. and comparing this to the confirmation camps i was too scared to go for/ accidentally on purpose missed, of course it's vastly different. i think if i actually make it back to sg i want to fix my traumatic memories of sunday sch. true they've been more than made up for with more grownup ministries, but i just feel that there's definitely more that can be done. i want to teach kids sunday sch and make sure everyone in the class feels proud to be catholic and not have to go to faraway lands to realise that.

actually im scared to say what i think, or to think. because i kind of know that if i attempt to do some divination i'll probably get it wrong, or something. furthermore if i link this to my religion anymore... it just wont be doing anyone any good. but i cant help it! when you're in trouble, you will just try and figure out the GOOD thing to do, not the bad thing to do.

one thing i did feel quite clearly was that i have come to quite a turbulent acceptance of it. that it's just a cross i have to carry. and i have always known the overall significance of it. last year i gave it up but now i have willingly accepted the burden again. most importantly i realised that i have built up the confidence and self-assurance enough that, no matter what happens, i can walk out of this smelling like roses. there will be nothing in me that crumbles and dies. sure, it wont feel like a bubble bath exactly, but you know what? it's not happening easily so its not like God's cheating me or anything, or having me on. its something i willingly took on despite the problems that come with it or might come with it in the future, something i just did cos i didnt want to regret it later.

edit: yes. i dealt with it ok. go me, thank God.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

i have learnt diplomacy, thoughtfulness, dignity, and just how to be so nice for absolutely nothing in return at all. that is amazing and something i will remember. thank you God for sending someone like that into my life, just when i was beginning to question.

my comp is really really screwed but through some covert ways, i think i can open the applications i need. (firefox, msn, skype). glee was worth it.

watching gossip girl in the background reminds me of doing my hw to channel 8 dramas :)
WHY AM I SO TIRED TODAY?! the sun is out but i am soooo tired ldfghdflh

anyway had a brownie-thing just now, reminded me of the days when they used to buy me taka brownies to cheer me up/ how we'd go taka automatically just to chill, sounds so tame now right? AND I REALISED. brownian motion, hahaha. lollllll. nvm moving on...

- i haven't forgotten the dream about thyme. reading random blogs brought the memory back to me...

- slumming around in my room, i chanced upon the oxford book of medicine, and thumbed through to the surgery pages...

- after reading ten pages, entranced, i decided to start making my dreams reality, and got up to my table, where i discovered i'd magically made notes in color on hyponatraemia and hypenatraemia?!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

my computer is making funny noises

actually now i think about it, it may have just been me trying to chase rainbows. thinking that any one choice is better than another. how can one predict these things. you can be so noob about some things and so knowledgeable about others. wanting to know everything and change everything is basically wanting to be God. just mAKE do with what you have i guess..

im happy that im happy now. :) (apart from the stupid computer troubles... all cos i wanted to watch gleee. arghhhhhh well it was worth it!) i maintain that you have to -find- happiness. oh, the weeks ahead, i wont pretend they will be easy.

but in any case, you can only do now what you can only do now. i dont foresee crushingly great happiness coming down upon me any time soon, i do foresee rocky things, sticky situations, lots of laughing about stupid things i've said and done and the innate ridiculousness of human beings though. these are familiar things, things i know i can handle. and then, unfortunately equally familiar, times i feel like for all my bravado and grit - i can't handle it - either human contact so i go to an anonymous place like the big library and pretend im on the fifth floor garden rooftop. just somewhere with a lot of green and glassy walls and where i can see darkness fall and where i can dismiss ill-formed thoughts that are a result of rushing busily everywhere. or that i literally can't handle - anything like the night of re-watching videos, alone in the flat (honestly, not that having people around would have helped anyway, but it makes it sound more dramatic...). you know when you pray to st jude, saint of hopeless causes, that... but anyway.

i miss being able to laugh about my own stupidity, in a non-demeaning way, in a sort of YEAH TELL ME ABOUT IT WAY.

"iiiii dont live a perfect life, but God knows i'm trying the best i can"

played squash today for 20 mins. now aching (?!). can you say unfit.
chocolate is nice.

i've done a disgusting amount of glomerulonephritis, know nothing about the subject stuff. made random new friends in the RIE kampong. lol. had a pretty good two days with boxing and squash and lunches with people (WOW, i havent done that for ages. just take a break from work go to the canteen and buy something together. NOSTALGIA) and discussing games for retreat. WHY DOES NO ONE LIKE THE FINGER GAME. it is perfectly fun ok. am pretty well fed cos when i came home i stuffed myself with random things and m made fried rice! yumm. far from done with work, life is OBVIOUSLY far from perfect. but hey there are -some- good things in life.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

barney on how he changed his mind and gave the job to ted

barney: the search committee realised they made the wrong decision. plus, you mean a lot to them, and they really want you to be happy.
ted: that's weird.

this is so sweet somehow :) ranks up there with the moment in American Gods when Shadow realises what happened to Wednesday. Or something. I really need to re-read that book, i highly doubt i got everything out of it when i read it at 17.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

yay bday thing sucess :) fun times
respect, people, shiny things, being happy, running.

PS. I WILL WIN MAFIA. HUMPH. LOL

Saturday, April 10, 2010

i hate cramps, and i hate inefficiency. i hate being physically unable to motivate myself, and feeling like someone is stabbing me in the stomach.

hate that i cant show enough love to the people around me, or to people i feel like showing love to, for a variety of reasons.

BUT thank you to j and g for (independently) buying me rosaries :) hehe thank you so much!!

and m, c, h, you guys are awesome. LOL.

ps: addicted to how i met your mother

Thursday, April 8, 2010

note to self

never go shopping for groceries
a) in a state of great hunger
b) in a state of great boredom

amongst other things, i bought an entire jar of peanut butter cos i wanted to have -some- version of peanut pancakes.... but forgot to buy the pancakes. also, i didnt go running cos i was gg to meet ivy for bible study prep. but i fell asleep in a post-prandial stupor so when she called i sleepily said no need its really short. LOL. i feel compelled to do an excellent bible study now. lolllll
should probably record this

sitting here in an equally climate-controlled room, brightly lit, with the sun shining outside and blue skies at five-thirty pm, no less! my multi-colored pens, pretty flower wallet that had been hiding in the recesses of my university-accomodation-supplied drawer, pink monstrosity of a pencil box with heart-shaped fur sewn upon it, hand-wrapped books, writing and reading emails to loved ones.

it's not that bad, when i grow up, i'll miss this too maybe.

to be sure, i'm behind schedule, but i dont feel as bad about it as i should, cos im actually studying, which i havent been able to make myself do for the longest time. and i took the free bus back!! which, ditto, has not been a feature of my life. i wont take the free bus back but... small steps... lol.

also i had a cinnamon bun yesterday. heh. i want to bake it sooooon

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

just want to wake up at 8am and be driven to the climate-controlled national library with its glass walls and white floors, then decide to buy peanut pancake and soya bean juice for lunch, and sit on the ant-infested wooden floor of the rooftop garden on the fifth floor. want to nip downstairs to read agatha christie and diana wynne jones and kiddy books to cheer myself up from the neverending math, want to feel happy again when getting texts from people, want to detour to popular to buy unecessary pretty notebooks and trinkets and things on the pretext of needing them to study, want to be picked up at 9pm feeling accomplished. want to not have to wonder what to buy to eat. want to have my individuality drain into the walls of the mrt on long, soul-sucking rides, contemplating the unfairness of the world.
i embroider, spice, color, wax
lyrical in an attempt to make it look prettier
all i have to do is find out how it hurts
and how i can spin that into something
infinitely more beautiful and durable than
this thing i have been feeling all along

i just want to say
you could have felled me at any time
you could have destroyed my religion and my faith many times over
with one more word; a few more minutes, a few less heartbreaks
i really really really thought you were God-sent
they laugh at me from it
and its a bad testament cos of that

details you dont want to know

the good bits
- really nice dinner at howies
- spent the past few days doing respectable amounts of running/ studying

the other half of life
- despite somehow turning the shithole of unproductivity into something good, i have done no work since 2pm. that's TWELVE HOURS AGO. i did like ONE lecture on the thyroid gland when i was supposed to FINISH ENDO TODAY(involves doing 6 lectures, fat chance). then for some inexplicable reason i felt exhausted and chionged home. on some hindsight, this actually turned out well.

anyway then i slept intermittently with really odd dreams involving a ketupat which went missing. i also dreamt i pangsehed the dinner tonight but luckily i was awoken 5min before our reservation time lol. after coming home for some odd reason i could do nothing but stare glassily at korean dramas that are beginning to lose their lustre

AND i somehow got tempted into buying a bar of chocolate?! from the library vending machine?! THAT IS SO OUT OF CHARACTER. ugh.

the unspeakables
- well, being unspeakable...

anyway tomorrow i have quite a lot planned. and i am sick of studying and i just started properly. not to mention the timetable means i have to study everyday. and errrrrrr. plus i just agreed to do bible study which i thought seemed quite easy but yeah i should perhaps do it more justice i hadnt' realised it too that much prep oops. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH

Saturday, April 3, 2010

one republic - all fall down

Step out the door and it feels like rain
That's the sound (that's the sound) on your window pane
Take to the streets but you can't ignore
That's the sound (that's the sound) you're waiting for

You feel that your will starts crashing down
Whenever you're will starts crashing down
Whenver your will starts crashing down
That's when you find me.

Yeah God love your soul and your aching bones
Take a breath, take a step, maybe down below
Everyone's the same
our fingers to our toes
We just can't get a ride
But we're on the road

Lost til you're found
Swim til you drown
Know that we all fall down
Love til you hate
Jump til you break
Know that we all fall down
“A woman’s heart should be so hidden in Christ
That a man should have to seek Him first to find her.” ~Maya Angelou

just found this. NICE
the godzdogz website (really amusing name)... has an excellent article. SERIOUSLY AMAZING article for good friday. (and the thursday post reminded me greatly of washing of the feet... dont even get me started.)

The cross never comes in the way we anticipate. If it did, it would not be the cross. So we really suffer deeply because we do not see the point of suffering in this way or in that, or because we do not see the point of it going on so long. Suffering never comes in the way we would have chosen for ourselves. It often attacks precisely those aspects and qualities that we most value. Suffering easily arouses our anger and dismay, fear and disgust. The suffering of others, especially children, makes us especially angry.


and

In the difficulties and challenges of life we will be tested to the depths of our being. We can resist the challenge and become stuck on the road. We can turn away and fill our lives with distractions and comforts. Or, with God's grace, we can follow the way of Jesus, hearken to the voice of his love, and throw our human story (sinful and compromised as it is) in with his, so that all might have life and have it to the full.


im not really sure why, just because do unto others what you would have done to yourself, i managed to stress myself out (dont want to use the word -hurt-) just to prevent someone else from being upset or hurt in any way. ok, the reason is cos i wouldnt have wanted that to happen to me. so, in both ways, i lose. LOL. nevermind, what's new right?

new resolution: RUN EVERYDAY. AROUND ARTHUR'S SEAT. i am going to be so fit post easter hols man

happy things

1. showering (even at ridiculous hours)
2. not being alone in the flatt (so much for bravado.....)
3. conversations with family (long, but good...)
4. friendsssss :) :) hehe
5. random breaths of fresh air. just dont get addicted to the air..
6. good friday mass with diana, meeting nadia randomly!
7. hot cross buns (now i know how to prevent the house from fire!!)
8. the ballerina project. SO PRETTY
9 (or maybe priceless) the feeling of awe when looking upon something beyond the universe, beyond material things; the unattainable, but admired holiness. these places are needed in the world. i dont know how to describe it go here
10 (another priceless, infinite one) invisible fireworks, dampened by the rain

annoying things
1. phone jammed
2. studying
3. wondering why

a fine line between delusion and reality. as much as i talk about this stuff, honestly i'm not ready. and i doubt i ever will be. apart from s coming which was really nice :) some stuff got me abit down actually but then i was thinking as i sat in mass: how can i possibly be ecstatic as i sit there and listen to the ultimate low point. i wore something too bright today, not thinking; maybe to cheer myself up. i forgot that traditionally we're supposed to wear really soberly for good friday. :(

well it doesnt really matter but symbolism and respect. too late now. nevertheless the black cloud i carried with me had a silver lining; at least my mood was not inappropriate. at least i had something in common, even though my own sacrifices or rebuffs from people were all to do with my own selfish wants and needs, at least at this point in time i could identify with something. the prayer in the garden at night, the asking why. any suffering on my part is nothing at all in comparison obviously, but my small offering. it beats hedonism and thinking happily about all the material things i posess, or laughing and being entertained.

i wasn't really conscious of it. but somehow my bad points just got illuminated. hey, i said i have stuff to work on! don't we all. just saying, that my happy side is ahhh... a side of me i use to ameliorate all the shit that makes up...a large percentage of my life. when i am happy, i MAKE SURE it MAKES UP for all the opposite feelings i usually feel. and when you can give up something so easily like butter, like the unbaked cake, as compared to the perfect chocolate chip cookie i sacrificed pbl for just to make. it means something. very important. surely.
im still feelin the rain fall
and bouncin off my skin
how long do i have to wait for
the sun to shine again
come on paint me the rainbows
i can follow it

______________________
you can't look back. it's like the hours today that went by WITH NO CONCLUSION. there is no conclusion. and maybe that's ok

Friday, April 2, 2010

ANYWAY enough with the self-indulgent posts (im too tired to go down the whole is it selfish route blablabla now. ive paid my dues a hundred times over in guilt anyway)...

ITS GOOD FRIDAY
note to self:
did i not already learn to never trust anyone?! no, not that everyone is to be mistrusted. just that. to have realistic expectations of everyone. because everyone is human. and that anyway, i myself probably dissappoint so many people in so many ways. that i have to do some paying back eventually. nah, you will get fooled by the universe, over and over again. cos it is impossible not to trust. the human soul just trusts, maybe not everyone, but certain people.

and that's not wrong! at any given moment, you can rely on a certain number of people. but the thing is knowing, when things change. and you will never know without getting hurt, exactly when that shift occurs.
upon reflection, what i told w just now was not entirely true. i dont know. it's not that i could ever live like a hermit. it's just that being social makes solitude all the more perfect, and vice versa. THE FLATMATES ARE HOME yay! hee. alone at home basically means even later nights than usual, and MORE UNPURPOSEFUL BUMMING!

but i stand by my maxim of pride. so far, it has served me okay. those bleak days trying to pull myself together after cts in jc, it seemed self-inflicted punishment. but somehow it all worked out, and rays of sunshine snuck into my life :) i'm happy to have helped/ hosted 3 of these people :) manyun sharon and bernice coz now i look back on those days and i am 100% certain that my sanity in that horrific time was due to them.

and my sanity now... err... i'll maybe find out who saved me in a few years with the benefit of hindsight. but the beauty of the past is, it's laid in stone. it is unchanging; the aunty wiping dust off the library shelves, the stacks of books we foraged for, that magical, illuminating and dare i say it... sparkling and witty conversation ;p that day gathered round that table with people i hardly met before too. they're not the stuff you imagine memories to be made from. but they are. but they are.

and rusydi as well... i remember one day the wind scattered my notes all over under b block, he was there; plotting christmas carolling, he was there. writing poems i didn't dare to show anyone, he was there. (and i still have the poem he wrote tooo hahaha something about the cold lt LOL not bad)

when i think of that bright open space overlooking the green fields (i could wax lyrical about the fields and rj track forever), these are the people i think of. the beauty of it is how these memories will only have more glitter added over the years. the paper-fight at 7.30am will become a full-scale sword skirmish, the giggles will seem like a korean drama script. and the niggling feelings of stress, boredom, hatred for asymptotes that never quite make it... these will be updated with new memories; of vaccuming at 1am before my flatmates come back ;p, of ... things of a different color.

so, no. i dont hold solitude that close to me. i do have feelings, which seems to be a fact rather overlooked at times. knowledge is power and although friends may come and go, i really do hope these friends will stick by me; and am glad that they stuck by me all those years through all the nonsense, even if i did badly on tests or proposed crazy ideas or anything. and i hope my friends now will stick by me through -perceived- doing badly on tests. ITS RELATIVE YO and any crazy ideas. its different thoughhh cos now, the greater proportion of my friends are guys. and guys and girls are different. but still. surely something can stay. right? tell me yes.
just wanted to say that today i ate 5 chocolates and then threw the whole box away. they were good chocolates. but i knew what was in them. succumbing to that box would have upset the entire balance of the universe, and i couldnt look at that box anymore. i wasn't going to wait for the expiry date to eventually come.

life IS like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get. that box could have made me both happy or unhappy eventually, but at least this way, i have control over what happens. not going to lie and say there will be a rainbow tomorrow, but hey, at least i got my chocolate AND my endorphins (cycling after:)) . maybe i didnt get my cake nor get to eat it, but you take what you get.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Everything Happens for a Reason…

Sometimes people come into your life
and you know right away that they were
meant to be there… to serve some
sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or
help figure out who you are or who you
want to become. You never know who
these people may be but when you look
eyes with them, you know that every
moment that you are with them, they
will affect your life in some profound
way. And sometimes things happen to
you at the time that may seem horrible,
painful and unfair, but in reflection
you realize that without overcoming
those obstacles you would have never
realized your potential, strength,
will power or heart.

Everything happens for a reason!
Nothing happens by chance or by means
of good luck. Illness, injury, love,
lost moments of true greatness and sheer
stupidity all occur to test the limits
of your soul. Without these small
tests, life would be like a smoothly
paved, straight, flat road to nowhere,
safe and comfortable but dull and
utterly pointless.

The people you meet affect your life.
The successes and downfalls that you
experience can create who you are, and
the bad experiences can be learned
from…. In fact, they are probably the
most poignant and important ones.
If someone hurts you, betrays you or
breaks your heart, forgive them because
they have helped you learn about trust
and the importance of being cautious
to whom you open your heart. If someone
loves you, love them back unconditionally
not only because they love you, but
also because they are teaching you to
love and open your heart and eyes to
little things.
hehe just helped to cook for alot of people (5), okayyy i know lots of people do this on a regular basis but it was FUN! and not something i usually do!! thanks to all those who made it happen & hope you guys had fun :)

after that i thought about life and... came to no conclusion. goodnight world. may tomorrow be actually productive for once and not fettered by foolish beliefs, chores that i shelf plans for but remain undone, the halfway feeling of wanting to do something but not being able to for so many reasons.