About Me

Monday, May 31, 2010

a run down of post-exam fun
friday
SLEEP, batch dinner at tangs (yaY katsu don just like rj days), pccf <3 as usual, but this time no bible study just chilling. good to go to say bye to those people i wont see for 4 months like colin, wy, etc... and matt's last pccf for a long while

sat
bfast at kilimanjaro! eggs benedict + scones, YES have been dying to try eggs benedict!! next up: MAKING it. cyclingg, frisbee + chilling in the sun in the meadows, dinner at zizzi's. had chicken risotto. yes, must start the dieting soon hahaha. but it was really nice plus was the first time having that too.

sunday
loads of bumming and sleeping, gym, church, and got dragged out for dinner at sushiya! great variety of salmon, tuna, octopus sushi, sashimi and maki rolls... and TEMPURA PRAWNS. felt like i was eleven again ;p anddd on a completely spontaneous phone call... sex and the city 2! which was LOL. all i'll say about it is the fashion is AMAZING. but.... the abu dhabi stuff.... HAHAHA

mondayy
meant to go pay rent but didnt realise it was a bank holiday... so ended up chilling at bean scene with gill& ash.

tomorrow work startssss. ah well. i had to mitigate the past weeks of torture SOMEHOW. some plans for tonight include blackwells, yoga? running? packing room?

Sunday, May 30, 2010

pasta

chef: you and i are closer now
yk: how close?
chef: as close as goldfish poop
yk: well.. half of the goldfish is filled with poop... that's a lot of poop

HAHAHA for some reason this is so cute.
EXAMS OVER YAY!!!!
10 days of blissful happiness. LOL.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

everyday is SUCH A DRAMA STORY. lol.

florid short history
lollll

my room is sooo messy now

going to cook pasta with pesto sauce tomorrow. using the recipe on the back of the linguine packet hahaha. quite excited

Friday, May 28, 2010

i hate the night before exams
chocolate & stuffing my head full of knowledge that wont stick

why does medicine always make me feel so shitty in the prelude to exams, when results come out, and basically everytime i think about my results?! seriously WHATEVER. such a change up from the previous religiousity =p

after this
1. SHOPPING
2. RUNNING
3. BAKING & COOKING
4. HOLIDAYINGGG hopefully
5. and finally.... back on ba with loads of bollywood movies and fiiinally home :):)

cant wait for all this shit to be over

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Prayer Before an Exam

O wise God, I pray that my mind might be rested, my body energized, and my spirit inspired for the exam I must write.
Grant me peace and assurance so that I might do the best I am able, regardless of what that might be.
Be with my fellow students and may I be a good example to them, offering reassurance and confidence regardless of how I feel.
May I be honest and insightful, and able to give a true record of what I have learned. In the end, may any disappointment be born with grace, and any joy accompanied with humility.

I write this exam with Thee, O Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.

my favourite hymn :)

all that i am all that i have
i lay them down before you o Lord
all my regrets all my acclaim
the joy and the pain
i'm making them yours

Lord I offer my life to you
everything I've been through
use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
lifting my praise to you
as a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life

things in the past
things yet unseen
wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
all of my hopes
all of my plans
my heart and my hands
are lifted to you

what can we give
that you have not given
and what do we have that is not already yours

avalon - you were there

you were there
when david fought goliath
you were there
in history's darkest hour
~

Prayer in a Time of Anxiety

When I am truly anxious, O God, remind me of my love of Thy Son, Jesus Christ. May I realize that I will not be abandoned, but am accompanied always by Him.

Dispel any sense of self-concern, and remind me that others are feeling the same tensions, which is only natural in times of stress.

Grant me insight, God of Wisdom, to see the things that have been taught, to understand them in the unfolding story of Thy Creation, and our place within it.

May I lay my head down to rest confident that Thou art always with us, through the love and affection of Thy Son, Jesus Christ, my Redeemer and Lord. Amen.

~
"Job answered the Lord: I know that you can do all things and that no purpose is beyond you." Job 42: 1,2 (REB)

We look to Thee, O Lord God, and wonder how small we are, and how we can know anything useful. Now we understand that our abilities come from Thy hands. As we study and write, may our display of knowledge and wisdom have no purpose beyond Thee.

There have been difficult days this term when we have been discouraged, angry, disappointed, confused. When we have seen our way clear of these things, it has been Thy Spirit that has resurrected our hope and determination.

We are grateful for those around us who have shared Thy Spirit with us, who have encouraged us, perhaps have corrected us, but in the end, allowed us to return to Thee with deeper understanding.

Amen.

somewhere in the middle -casting crowns

somewhere in the middle you'll find me
somewhere between the right and the wrong
somewhere between who i was and who you're making me


just how close can I get, Lord
to my surrender
without losing all control

deep water faith in the shallow end
with eyes wide open to the differences
the God we want and the God who is
will we trade our dreams for His

~

having made this choice, it feels like i passed the final test. never have i put all my faith in God completely. never have i been given such a clear-cut choice, either. i think. my decisions are uniformly bad ones. heh. i have complete and utter trust. i dont even have this much peace about my exams on friday; im still a ball of nerves and it could go either way. but for this - if i have to do it, i know what to do :)

i love talking to mich it always makes me feel so girl power LOL

LOL

just discussed my wedding music with adam who said he'd play at my wedding HAHAHAAH it will be mostly beatles music . this is utterly hilarious esp considering im not getting married any time soon. but fun diversion =p
let me see i decided on
- when im sixty four
- hey jude
- i wanna hold your hand (they played this during family, the play tcn put on when i was sec 1)
- with a little help from my friends (hmm not sure. but one of my fav songs)

LOLL

anyway these exams cant end well lah. whatever happens it will be carnage. ive accepted that life goes on anyway. look down upon me for liking medicine, studying properly for it, not doing well, for all i care. bleh. lets hope pass = mbchb as well as pass =md haha

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

a poem a day

Footprint on Your Heart
by Gary Lenhart

Someone will walk into your life,
Leave a footprint on your heart,
Turn it into a mudroom cluttered
With encrusted boots, children's mittens,
Scratchy scarves—
Where you linger to unwrap
Or ready yourself for rough exits
Into howling gales or onto
Frozen car seats, expulsions
Into the great outdoors where touch
Is muffled, noses glisten,
And breaths stab,
So that when you meet someone
Who is leaving your life
You will be able to wave stiff
Icy mitts and look forward
To an evening in spring
When you can fold winter away
Until your next encounter with
A chill so numbing you strew
The heart's antechamber
With layers of rural garble.
LOL last night i was literally laughing out loud watching big bang theory - raj's terrible karaoke singing, sheldon getting together with his roomate's mum, and their TERRIBLE KARAOKE duet

penny & leonard playing their drinking game ;p SO SWEET. (tho he got kicked out after..)

whatever the results are, i have put in effort, but it definitely wasn't good enough.

NEVERTHELESS, i dont regret practicing for osce, coz if not, i would have gone to pot after urinanalysis. that was the SECOND STATION. so, gratitude must be given where it's due. and ya if i didnt practice, i dread to think of what would have happened.

just before i went into the osce room i finally felt nervous; before my final paper, im so scared i can hardly breathe. why does everything seem to pivot on this? it probably doesnt. Oh God, let me study the right things for once; to cover everything before friday. i only have one more shot at making everything count. i do not dare to say i will succeed, not do i dare to count on luck. c always scolds me for saying "luck" haha. so i am not worthy of it but help me with this, please.
me, out

ps: colin and ivy came to pass me watermelon last night hehe. YAY WATERMELONN

its no coincidence what happened the day my good ssc marks came out; even ___ was astonished at how quickly the comfort came for me. and all the good things that happened last night even tho i spent the afternoon in fitful sleep berating myself about gloves, aprons, and shadowy necks.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

i dunno how tomorrow will go, i dunno if ive sacrificed enough for it, or too much.

stolen moments of leisure

but at the end of it all - i just need someone to tell me 'good job, well done'

it's like burning the muffins. i cant say that they were destined to be burnt. they had a fair chance. but from the start i used the wrong containers to measure (HAHAHA didnt measure up eh. ) i cant believe that so many moons ago i actually believed the muffins would come perfect out of the oven and be palatable and showcasable.

when i was younger and the self-rising brownies failed to rise; i too didnt rise to the occasion.

just to know _____ cares (even if everyone else doesnt) and is so willing to lend me sth i was worried about getting in time, really makes all the difference.

if friday and tomorrow goes ok - then everything will be erased. it will all have been for a really really good reason

so let's make that happen

edit: NO THAT WONT. URINEANALYSIS.
so sleepy.........
hope osce tomorrow goes well oh please
then final lap
dont think i have strength to run tmr... not before osce at least. after, i think id wanna sleeeppppppp

must wake up at 10 am max to get watch from matt...
- maybe run there n back at least-
10-11
11-1 STUDY protocols etccc, change into formal attireee
be at common room for 1.30pm
1.30-2.30pm travel
2.30-4.30 get it over and done with
4.30-5.30 travel back
5.30-6.30 run?!!!
SLEEP

start doing cals. thats one thing i wont regret

once exam is over i shall run alot and splurge on shopping. I DONT CARE. nothing else will get me through this. oh maybe lee min ho... heh. LOVE personal preference :)

Monday, May 24, 2010

last night's practice (although utterly hilarious) reminded me that this is unequivocally the job i am suited for :) and the only way i can use the (few) talents i have.
this constellation of things that make up a person is endlessly intriguing. STUDY NOW, RUN TOMORROW. or i will combust.

if i had any concerns, they are alleviated now (in, oh say, the five or so random things that have been randomly bugging me...)

SEVEN MORE DAYS!!!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

i agree with marlow's 1st sentence

‘No, I don’t like work. I had rather laze about and think of all the fine things that can be done. I don’t like work – no man does – but I like what is in work, – the chance to find yourself. Your own reality – for yourself, not for others – what no other man can ever know. They can only see the mere show, and never can tell what it really means.’

Marlow (again), Heart of Darkness

years after, when i no longer have to analyse hod and get my analyses all wrong and be judged as a person over not being able to mind-read conrad, i finally get the dark beauty within HOD. bits of the books i used to study always come back to me - particularly for some reason the modern lit stuff - the great gatsby, hod, wilfred owen (6 o clock on princes street, anyone?)

how he thought africa was such an exciting continent based on the large white space it occupied on the map; the river snaking through that big unknown space; his disillusionment when he got there, the mad guy whose name i have forgotten, and his eventual lie to The Intended.

just the small things; the doctor measuring his head before he sailed off; the extra bricks (??) lying in the room, all the general incompetence

must be really losing it to identify with hod...

i have so many things to work one betwen now and tues, and fri. it seems neverending. and when all that's over, i have to make an overhaul of my character (amongst my usual self-improvement plans...). i realise that i've been too critical of alot of things/ people. and ya maybe sometimes they deserve it.... I DONT KNOW. my judgement skills.... or rather i can make the judgement but i dont know what to do next. maybe sometimes i think if i didnt have this policy of good intentions/ being too honest, it might work out better. if you show people that you just want peace and to be happy and just make it so simple it opens the door to... i dunno, derision? people taking you for granted? but i DO want peace. so how!??

anyway, not that i want to waste time thinking about this stuff now, but it was fermenting in my head so thought i'd get it out and clear some space for the complications of diabetes..

i still keep trying for the moral highground; i need to realize that that's not what the world wants. and that plenty of people can be good christians and still preserve social acceptibility without being universally considered as a fool. cos even this way, people STILL think of me (and rightly so) as having all sort of assorted flaws.
but so the answer is that - i DONT have the moral highground. i am so sorry for sometimes getting carried away with things; not being able to control my mouth/ the force of my opinions etc... well not to be too specific and incriminating =p im sure you guys know what i'm talking about.

what i have done, i have done. paper 1 is a hot dang mess. not that bad, but still bleah. i cant undo it. i can't take back my words, or add other things. but i can ensure that only good words come out of my mouth from now on. so what if im boring. IT'S FINE. cos in the end when everyone goes away there's no one to be witty to anyway. (heh moment of angst there. nah, i trust i will always have friends :):))
except when c is suanning d randomly HAHAHA and she looks like she is going to kill him ok then i reserve the right ;p
I HAVE FOUND THE KEY TO LIFE

well actually no but... epiphany :)

Saturday, May 22, 2010

after a traumatising paper, dreams about swimming, and a muffin, i went out for dinner and then for bible study :) i dont know what i am treating myself for after my poor executive decisions/ lack of self discipline only studying what i like/ deciding what came out wasnt important enough to study. FIVE MINS ON THE MI CAL and i would have gotten 2 m more. fine its just 2 marks but i keep kicking myself about it...

.... anyway its not as bad as i thought, by any means. that doesnt mean it's GOOD by any stretch of the imagination either. but i feel heretical going back to my state of mind pre-dream so i shall just shut up now. anyway i just needed a break; i think after anat i should have just come home and slept. dont even get me started on the power cut. anyway what's done is done, i have no power over the next week; all i pray is God directs me to study what is important AND I LISTEN TO MY INTUITION. like jamessss so lucky!!

just had honey toast. what is perfect before a 21km run should tide me over for one more week of hell on earth :) no, 1 week and 1 day. WHY DO WE PUT OURSELVES THROUGH THIS TORTURE AGAIN?! take the exam, flagellate ourselves after, get massive ego-crushes routinely. medicine, you better be worth this.
give me reason but dont give me choice
because i'll just make the same mistake again
- james blunt, same mistake

Thursday, May 20, 2010

and this word, this paper written

And this word, this paper written
by the thousand hands of a single hand
does not rest in you, does not serve for dreams.
It falls to the earth: there it continues.
It no longer needs the lagging syllable
that which the reef brings and withdraws
from my memories, the incensed spume,
It no longer needs a single thing but to write your name.
And even though my sombre love silences it
much later the spring will speak it.

~
They go on chasing me questioning
my relationship with cats,
how I found the rainbow’s arc,
why the worthy chestnuts
show themselves as hedgehogs,
and above all for me to say
what the toads think of me,
the creatures hidden
beneath the wood’s fragrance
or in the bubbles of concrete.
The truth is that among the knowers
I owned to a unique ignorance
and among those who might know less
I was always a little less knowing
and so little was my knowledge
that I learned wisdom.

I LOVE THIS

_____________
Let me commune, then, commune with your silence,
clear as a light, and pure as a ring.
You are like night, calmed, constellated.
Your silence is star-like, as distant, as true.

Day breaks: the whole of yesterday went falling
among fingers of light and eyes of dream,
tomorrow will arrive with green footsteps:
no one holds back the river of dawn.

1: renal, reprod stuff

so, so, sleepy and sick of this

it feels like i've typed this a thousand times. ok study until 2pm& then go back n sleep

2-4

4-5 fix kidney stuff
5-7 revise endo
7-9 revise y1 stuff
9-10 revise sem 1 stuff
10-12 make sure i remember endo stuff by heart

heck care abt renal...

ok acute renal failure
pre renal - blood volume probs eg in trauma...

renal
- glomerulonephritis
nephritic, nephrotic
nephrotic = blood
nephritic = protein
- acute tubular necrosis (drugs, trauma, etcc)
polycystic kidneys?
drugs toxic to kidneys (i cant rmb... nsaids??)
igA nephropathy - no 1 cause of haematuria

post renal causes - obstruction etc
backs up - hydrotic kidneys??

primary probs
primary ovarian failure - turner,s etc (menopausal hormones: super high lh, fsh cos no feedback inhibition)
pcos (imbalance, high LH i think fsh low normal. high androgens!! cos less SHBG - sex hormone binding globulin so more circulating androgens.)
pathogenesis of pcos
confusing diagram... basically adipose tissue aromatises the testosterone. so there is high estrogen (thus high lh) AND high androgen levels. and obesity, hyperinsulinaemia etcc
treatments for pcos
i think clomifene, shave/ laser for hirsutism
lose weight etc

secondary
pituitary probs e.g pituitary adenoma (all hormones lost...) most common prolactinoma
i think it's low everything, but maybe high prolactin

tertiary
hypogonadotrophic hypogonadism (anorexia, atheletes)

low LH, FSH - prepubertal hormones
cant rmb what is the treatment... eat more? pulsatile GnRH

part 2; endocrine hypertension coming up soon ;p
part 3: male infertility (this topic amuses me this is terrible)
part 4: kidney drugs (boring but have to dooo)
part 5: utis
part 6: diabetes
part 7: crohns/ uc/ oa/ ra
ANAT= thankfully good

no time for personal feelings or thoughts, machine machine. life is a little weird right now but - it'll allll work out, if not it's not worth it. i didnt mean to have done what i did/ have what happened, happen to me but maybe everything has an expiry date.

you know i was just thinking how perfect it was, how great the arrangement was. ok its not an ARRANGEMENT but. hahahaha. guess not? it's not -technically- your fault, it's my fault for doing certain things in a certain order. maybe i should feel maligned and protest more.

but if anything, life has taught me that protestations are futile. that everything has an expiry date. like nelly furtardo says - all good things must come to an end. i wish i hadnt disclosed quite so much; giving people the wherewithal to despise me if ever the flow of goodwill ceases. or maybe im just thinking too much, and it is external factors. which brings on a whole new set of... interesting ideas. for which i have no time now.

let's just put it this way. when you come out the other end unscathed then you know what was meant to last. plenty of things disintegrate, irreversibly. and that doesn't make those pockets of time any less beautiful. it doesn't make the laughter suddenly fake, or the memories (if you can remember them) any less awesome.

and if anything, i have sacrificed one thing for the other. knew there was a payoff, to be made SOMEWHERE. for it to happen in the one thing i genuinely didn't ever consider; in the one place i might feel maligned in........... i wish it didn't happen, but that's the definition of SACRIFICE. note: i am not saying this is due to some divine plan (it might be, but errrr. i hope it isnt or i think its a very funny plan.) i'm just saying that in the balance of things, i can see how it brings justice to the universe perfectly. one year ago i betrayed someone's confidentiality out of concern (and on hindsight, lack of ability to think on my feet?). and for the longest time i have been keeping a secret that has been dying to come out. that secret can now never be unleashed. it all just converges in one big lump of stupidity that i can only pray has no consequences; but unless God wipes all our memories of that i think it's pretty hard for that to happen. and i have no moral highground ; all i can say is i soundly deserved it; i was happy before and surely i can be happy again. will i miss it? tremendously. but there are so so many things i miss tremendously, maybe even much more than this, that i have to face frequently. this just adds on to it.
as i studied blood vessels last night i was playing the baggage episode from how i met your mother. so - there goes another suitcase. just another cross to carry out of my 100000 crosses.

ANYWAY just had to get that off my chest :)
its okay i will be fine, summer and notmuch socialbility awaits me anyway hahaah. but its okayyy the garden and the heat and the crowded shopping malls; the underground bunker of books and re-learning to drive. the plan with nic (remember sparkling & witty, and WWJD? LOL). the talking too much on coffeemeetups, exotic food and the one place on earth i go to feel sane.

people are good, but they come and go

on that note, if they ever demolish borders...........
had an interesting talk just now that made me realise how neatly everything cancelled itself out. well definitely there were some low points in it all. but if i dont think too hard, everything turned out perfecto. see i told you this was such a good plan, why didnt you believe me. plus, im stronger for it all.

the only thing that didnt survive was the paper hearts on my wall
see? another instance of good foresight
todo list in general
1. ALL CALS
2. immunology
3. fix kidney acid base, aldos/ etcc, adenosine, dev of the kidneys, renal tests (??), kidney DRUGS
4. review endooo
5. read thru cardio, b&j , respi, gi, neuro (duh)

todo list for anat tmr
1. HISTO!!
2. revise everythinggg esp
3. CELIAC TRUNK, SUP MESENTERIC ETCC
4. insides of the heart
5. great vessels
6. endo blood vessels

i am really looking forward to summer, for many reasonsss
a good clean startt
why do things always get so tangled up
i like new starts, new promises

i promise not to do this to myself eveR again. (did i have a CHOICE in it??) anyway, whatever, i've come this far, just get it over & done with already
what will the winds bring me this summer? fun; joy; excitement? extra lines on my cv? chicken soup for the soul? (actually, i could do with some now...)

honestly, all this is horrible. i just want to fast forward the dvd player to summer. NOW. to a time where i have no exam tomorrow, where i have no terrible histories, where i'm thinking of ways to alleviate my freedom and boredom. (actually am i REALLY wanting to bring on the deep angst again??) okay, so i know that, i will be forced to confront alot of things i usually don't have to think about in happyland. but this too is not a walk in the park. those issues dont go away easily, but i think after one year, i am slightly more equipped to deal with deep-seated things. and that drama after drama (literally) has made me just want to press the pause button. but i can't, it just all keeps happening.

its all utterly hilarious up to a point, but i dont dare to find the point where its no longer funny. so dont worry.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

"a dream is something that fills up all the hurt and makes it go away"
jon groff on glee

need i say what my dream is? SO STUDY come on

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

it occured to me, that mercy IS given out for things like this, eventually. quickly come.
I wish I had what I need
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land

And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough

And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
____________
studying structure and function of the lower urinary tract. SO DEPRESSING and utterly boring. why did i leave all the boring stuff until the last. OH AND DID I MENTION, ALL OF ANAT? hahahaha
was laughing to myself just now in the lib. this drama is TOO CUTE FOR WORDS

in other news i cannot finish studying... whats new

Monday, May 17, 2010

while i study about contraceptives (7 hormones, each have antagonists & agonists, and some e.g progesterone have SEVEN agonists) *stabs self* sharon is showing her poetry to some really established poet who writes v well

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh lucky girl!!
makes you think about what you want

but its ok. i have given my heart to medicine many times over and i cant look back now (anyway my poetry is not that good. if anything it's understated. or you have to read it in a certain voice/ mood.) anyway i didnt get into cap last time. EVIDENTLY A SIGN.

ok shutup and study
ps had mee siam for bfast. YUMMM :) thanks mayy

playlist on shuffle

what a nuts mixture ......

marie digby - feel
celin dion - ave maria
lee hyori- 10 minutes
owl city - cave in
jay sean - do you remember
Shahrukh Khan - Krazzy 4
Robin Sparkles - Sandcastles in the sand
One bread one body (hymmn)
Tom and Jerry - Liszt Hungarian Rhapsody (this is hilarious!)
ok so i am over-reacting. let's wait until everything is perfect & hunky-dory. i never like to look back and regret. on the bright side, this cleared my mind of all the junk that has been residing there for awhile (i refer to silly little disputes not the exam stuff... which i DO want to know..)

thanks for helping me realise that its over-reacting. BUT EH STILL PRAY ah thanks ;p
can i send some fairy dust to the places in the universe i most want it to go, right now?

thank God for medicine, where it's all facts, evidence-based medicine. clear lovely facts to memorise. and even for ethics, there are guidelines on what to do. there is recognition of the issues.
ever-present reminder

all i can do is this shit

i will save lives next time i promise

Sunday, May 16, 2010

i dont like having control of things. but i can't control the things i AM supposed to control.

concentrate you idiotttttttt

its like throwing pebbles into the water. there WILL BE RIPPLES

like d said, you have taken it seriously. SO. it's time to be a machine. i have given it my best shot and taken every measure i can think of.

ps: found a place i can watch personal taste!!! hee
dear God, i am sorry for spamming You with all these useless, frivolous prayers; wasting my brain cells and my feelings on all these random things.

all i ask now is that you answer all the heartfelt prayers i prayed today. thank you so much for making me go to church just now, for meeting james (it felt like meeting fr james, in a wayy) it was v reassuring.

i have laid my requests before you and there is nothing more i can do but trust.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

lifehouse - i want you to know

When will the cycle stop
When will the story end
This is where I get off
Because I cant go there anymore

~

Start to breathe and fake a smile
It's all the same after a while

i loveee lifehouse

chris tomlin - everlasting God


Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord (x like 100)

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary

You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles
17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Cor 4:17-18
God where are you now?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

me, out

edit: forgot how much i loved arguing HAHAHAHA :)
gummybear surgery
is the cutest thing ever

Friday, May 14, 2010

dammit. JUST DO ITTTTTTTT

note: please sleep at an earthly hour today. keyword. TODAY, NOT TOMORROW MORNING

brilliantly efficient day, not
what gets me the most is that the moment this is over, all the regrets will start sinking in. i don't WANT this to end; now i am suspended like a fly in amber; everything is moving in slow-motion. the moment it all comes crashing down, i don't want to think of what will happen. there is no way in hell i would break down now, i have worked too long for this. dont even get me started on how i would feel if i did badly and it was all for naught. dont think i haven't considered that ultimatum a thousand times over. there's nothing i can do about it except try to keep it together until it's all over. but completely apart from that.... i've been holding everything in as long as i can remember. and i'm scared what will happen once i no longer have to keep my sanity on display.

apart from that... i have come to love my room. when i first dumped my bags it looked like a soulless hotel room, now it has softened around the edges. my pink and white stripes postal boxes, rainbow-colored mounds of clothes

the books the boots the posters. just the way it feels without the heater on - like sixteen degrees air-conditioning. bare feet on carpets in the early morning going to make coffee. the red sofa in the living room and ikea-like furniture. (well technically thats the kitchen, but i only ever go to 2 rooms in the house on a regular basis so i consider that an extension ;p)

life is better without conclusions, without generalizations. cos either these are cliches, or they're things people really, really don't want to know.

i will not be first, nor will i be last
i will run it right to the end, past the commentators commenting on this random girl who no-one knows, and her amazing stamina.
i will go down fighting. not other people, but time, myself, and the universe
is this what life is, waking up at noon and having absolutely no will to live??

good things about life
1. my cat bookend
2. sleeping
3. errrrrr.....
4. honestly dont think there is anything else

christ be our light

1. Longing for light, we wait in darkness.
Longing for truth, we turn to you.
Make us your own, your holy people,
light for the world to see.

Refrain
Christ, be our light! Shine in our hearts.
Shine through the darkness.
Christ, be our light!
Shine in your church gathered today.

2. Longing for peace, our world is troubled.
Longing for hope, many despair.
Your word alone has powr to save us.
Make us your living voice.

3. Longing for food, many are hungry.
Longing for water, many still thirst.
Make us your bread, broken for others,
shared until all are fed.

4. Longing for shelter, many are homeless.
Longing for warmth, many are cold.
Make us your building, sheltering others,
walls made of living stone.

5. Many the gifts, many the people,
many the hearts that yearn to belong.
Let us be servants to one another,
making your kingdom come.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBK3qTlGaS0

really beautiful hymn :)

Refrain
Shepherd me, O God,
beyond my wants,
beyond my fears,
from death into life.

1. God is my shepherd,
so nothing shall I want,
I rest in the meadows
of faithfulness and love,
I walk by the quiet waters of peace.

2. Gently you raise me
and heal my weary soul,
you lead me by pathways
of righteousness and truth,
my spirit shall sing
the music of your Name.

3. Though I should wander
the valley of death,
I fear no evil,
for you are at my side,
your rod and your staff,
my comfort and my hope.

4. You have set me a banquet of love
in the face of hatred,
crowning me with love
beyond my powr to hold.

5. Surely your kindness and mercy
follow me all the days of my life;
I will dwell in the house of my God
forevermore.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hQqJF-2ijhg

Thursday, May 13, 2010

ok have decided
can one can one :)

one thing at a time

PLAN

2-10 sleeep
10-11 run :) YAY
11-1 (2 hr) do pbl
1-2 lunch + walk to icp
2-5 icp!
night: finish pbl & puberty & obesity (hehe ambitiouss but its ok! i will be endorphinizeddd & happy & highh)
and HOUSE

fridayyyy
RUN (u can see where the backbone of my grandiose plans lie)
pbl :( :( nvm last pbl ever and pbl is impt for virtual clinic right?! until 1pm zzz
1-6 hopefully starbucks/ bean scene?! since im gg there for cell thingy anyway hahaha. do insulin/ metabolic syndrome/ female reproductive drugs
go for pccf (i thiiink. see how.)

sat: renal function tests, development of the kidney, acid base... basically EVERYTHING to do with renalll

sun:EVERYTHING anat

mon: immunology, neoplasia, microb (need to know not?!)

tues: neuro + thyroid + go thru pbl cases/ cals

wed: EXAM urghhhh

i tore up the picture on my wall of a cinnamon stick, and coffee.
and the one with sneakers and laces. the sneakers one was, admittedly, quite cool. i just like tearing up things, in general
but i needed the blutag
for all my mock bravado - i really really dont know what to do. i dont know what i must do to not-hate myself. but even if i did everything i can think of, there will CONFIRM be times i just say stupid things. to be fairrrr i think where i am in my life right now is a pretty accepting place, in which i am pretty much accepted (at least to my mind, which is quite a feat considering the amount of triple guessing..)

all ways i lose

fyi, whatever has happened reccently, whether it happened or not, everything would still be the same. i would be sitting here today randomly angsting. this just gives me a reason, and prevents me from coming across as completely insane. woo! silver lining. i can open a silver-producing factory from all the clouds already.

i strongly suspect that between 1.50am and 2am i will not find the answer to everything. i wont find happiness. unless i can control my primitive instincts to slack, sleep and eat, and just study PRODUCTIVELY 24/7, run from place to place (literally), and yet be an absolute angel. oh i am SO LOOKING FORWARD to things.

happiness may not be sitting at my pitch-dark window wracked with a feeling there is no name for in the wee hours of the morning, knowing i should sleep but needing to get all venom out of my system first... but i do associate some poignant memories with needing to spill lines of writing in the mrt... scribbling and having people look over my shoulder to read it. i do associate great happiness with the torture of acing math, with waking up at unearthly hours to run at the track (i really dont know why i had such random dedication...). so my happiness is instrinsically linked with the very things that spur one to stay awake at night wondering about the unfairness of life. i feel empty when there is nothing to think about.

nevertheless list of unequivocally happy things
1. lifetime supply of vogue, delivered to my door
2. dvds, and series on dvd, also delivered to the door ;p
3. one hour to run everyday, without laziness/ muscle ache/ period
4. really yummy apples not the not-nice ones reccently
5. BOOKS. as in. NEW BOOKS I HAVEN'T READ BEFORE
6. a robot to clean my room/ cook for me
7. a neverending supply of sunshine, failing that, lots of rainbows after the rain
8. cycling in provence (this will never happen, as it is ridiculously expensive, & im not good enough)
9. being a doctor (heh. check.... in a few years time...)
10. sleeping

night;p
guess sometimes you realise, its ok to be selfish. being selfish starts NOW. i dont know when it will ever end. i hadn't realised that was the last thing tethering me to being good. cos now, i dont really give a damn what people think of me. think i study alot? ok lor. think i'm stupid? ok lor. think i'm no supermodel? fine, i dont think so either. question my moral fibre? high five man, i guilt-trip myself everyday over this.

you know what, it lies in how well you lie. as long as you do it for the right reason, everything is excusable.

no. actually, none of this is excusable. it's just that, the last time this happened, i took the moral highground, and gained - oh let me see- absolutely NOTHING from it. but that was different, because i liked the water under the bridge. however now - i am free as a bird that has just taken crack.

happiness in life is choosing what you want to be enslaved to

just wanna say i love you guys and i hope you guys know that no matter what. and i honestly dont give a flying fuck about anyone else in the world

peace
BLAIR GOT INTO COLUMBIA! just in the middle of her angst. lol so happy for her
http://traditionalorthodoxy.blogspot.com/2010/05/how-we-should-conduct-ourselves-in-our.html

Do it because the Lord God demands it of you, and because that work is God's work. Do it and say to God in your heart: "O Lord, You assigned me this work. I am doing it in obedience to You and to please You." Or: "O Lord, bless my labor. It was not without Your will that I found myself in the position in which I live, and the work that I do or should do is work demanded by my position. You assigned it to me, so bless me and help me."


and...

In doing all your work for the Lord Himself, always do it as God's work should be done; that is, do all your work from the soul, gladly and without complaining. How can one do any kind of work for the God unwillingly, grudgingly, and with grumbling? A grateful person does everything gladly, even for a low-ranking earthly boss; how, then, can we do something unwillingly or grudgingly for our greatest and constant benefactor, the Lord God?

Do every task required by your position diligently and correctly; do not in any case permit unwarranted slowness and carelessness. Do everything as well as you possibly can. Because work not done as quickly and as well as you can, just like work done incorrectly or carelessly, is done deceitfully,


and BEST OF ALLL
If the work you have to do is difficult and demands great effort, or is unpleasant and demeaning, demanding much patience, or is hindered and slowed by ill-intentioned people or by unfortunate circumstances, and leads you to despondency, or is little respected or even despised, do not be fainthearted, do not be lazy, and do not give in to anger, impatience, annoyance, complaining, etc. Will your work go better and be finished faster if you are lazy or angry or grumble or use bad language? No, it will be harder and go more slowly, and may not even get done at all.

momentary angst

what i have to say, no one will want to hear

they gave me the chance, but somehow, the words wont come out. what DO i want to say!? how shall i say it?! does it even matter!? in the end, i wrote random poems about balloons and history.

and when i do say anything about it, my body starts having an autoimmune reaction or something. just entertaining any thoughts makes me want to throw up. which might solve some problems, if i did become bullimic.... hahah. nah, not worth it. not for this. the act of typing this makes me want to throw... SOMETHING off the building, if not myself. it just feels like i can almost visualise the people judging me for this. "i told you so" and heaping disgust on me. why is it that this invisible ocean of disgust, this shattering of christmas tree baubles unbought hurts me more than anything else? blah blah, self-pity.

you see, i feel like i dont even deserve to pity myself. on many levels, ya, i don't. but on one level at least, yes.

whether it's the first or the last time, whether ive had the same emotions once before or a thousand times, whether i deserve to feel this way or not, IT DOESNT CHANGE A SINGLE THING. the feelings just keep coming like mosquitoes. feelings? of mostly wanting to throw up but not having the acid up up. that's cos it's originating from an organ not the stomach. there is no orifice for the heart to throw up.

at the end of this all, all i will see is a mark. this mark means so much why!? it justifies my entire year. 365 days worth of being. of quarrels and reconciliation. of late night talks and giggling. of being a good christian, vaguely. of being a bad person, a bad daughter, bad friend. of being a bad student. of frittering my life away. of days of happiness. of laughing irrepressibly.

i dont deny that this sucks. but i have a lot. i really do. the love i have felt reccently from all around is so massive, that i feel its no coincidence. you know even if God doesnt appear at the end of my bed to tell me things (hehe james & the burglar story..), he works through the people around. and i wont wait for all this to be colored with hindsight to say this: if i ever look back at my life, i will only see one set of footprints in the sand for this part - his.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

PUCK IS AMAZING

from the day of assumption to ascension (this thurs).

i wonder whats in fisherman's friends. cos im popping them like house pops vicodin.
DFLHGDFGHFHDH someone save meeeeeeeee
you know why i distance myself from people is cos i know i talk too much abt things that people dont want to hear, once im close enough. now i AM too close AND i constantly talk about things you prolly dont wanna know. i've done it a hundred times i can do it again. distance helps everything. oh for now its okay but after awhile.... and i swear i am NOT, ok it is just an ILLUSION... people always think i talk about other people a lot... thats cos its creepy to talk about themselves to people, too much... furthermore sometimes people dont WANT to talk about themselves... anyway excuses, i must find a happy medium...

just realised w/o the comma that reads as "i am not ok it is just an illusion" heh. well its not a very good illusion at that rate ;p and btw... not close in that way. dont worry. i wont give my heart to anyone ever again, even if i ever get into a relationship. my heart has gone up in a hot air balloon one year and a few weeks ago and it no longer belongs to me. everything since then has been echoes of what i would do if i were really me.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

how nice, for the past month i have been so caught up in stressing over work that i havent thought of anything else. talk about hindsight being nice man. ignorant bliss, blah blah

i feel like a boat being cast adrift in the ocean. but the funniest thing is, i am so used to this particular brand of sadness, that i think this is the only state of mind i am capable of studying in. i feel HAPPY being unhappy. or perhaps, i just feel relief at being able to stop lying to myself. that bit is really nice. being able to show exactly what i feel, whenever i feel like it. that hasnt really been a feature of life reccently

gift of finest wheat

refrain
You satisfy the hungry heart with gift of finest wheat,
come give to us o saving Lord, the bread of life to eat.

1. As when the shepherd calls his sheep, they know and heed his voice;
so when You call Your family Lord, we follow and rejoice.

(refrain)

2. With joyful lips we sing to You, our praise and gratitude,
that You should count us worthy Lord, to share this heavenly food.

(refrain)

3. The mystery of Your presence Lord, no mortal tongue can tell;
whom all the world cannot contain comes in our hearts to dwell.

(refrain)

4. You give yourself to us o Lord, then selfless let us be,
to serve each other in Your name in truth and charity.

one art: one of my favorite poems since forever :):)

One Art
by Elizabeth Bishop

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.


--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

~
IMPECCABLE FORM

Wild Geese - Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile, the wild geese, high in the clean, blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
call to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family-of-things.

~
YEAH RIGHT. but is pretty anyways.

can a tear freed of salt be a globe of dew/ and most of all - is it something we can use?

SOME PART OF THE LYRIC
by Gregory Orr

Some part of the lyric wants to exclude
the world with all its chaos and grief
and so conceives shapes (a tear, a globe of dew)

whose cool symmetries create a mood
of security. Which is something all need
and so, the lyric's urge to exclude

what hurts us isn't simply a crude
defense, but an embracing of a few
essential shapes: a tear, a globe of dew.

But to what end? Are there clues
in these forms to deeper mysteries
that no good poem should exclude?

What can a stripped art reveal? Is a nude
more naked than the eye can see?
Can a tear freed of salt be a globe of dew?

And most of all - is it something we can use?
Yes, but only as long as its beauty,
like that of a tear or a globe of dew,
reflects the world it meant to exclude.

vespers - louise gluck

In your extended absence, you permit me
use of earth, anticipating
some return on investment. I must report
failure in my assignment, principally
regarding the tomato plants.
I think I should not be encouraged to grow
tomatoes. Or, if I am, you should withhold
the heavy rains, the cold nights that come
so often here, while other regions get
twelve weeks of summer. All this
belongs to you: on the other hand,
I planted the seeds, I watched the first shoots
like wings tearing the soil, and it was my heart
broken by the blight, the black spot so quickly
multiplying in the rows. I doubt
you have a heart, in our understanding of
that term. You who do not discriminate
between the dead and the living, who are, in consequence,
immune to foreshadowing, you may not know
how much terror we bear, the spotted leaf,
the red leaves of the maple falling
even in August, in early darkness: I am responsible
for these vines.

~
i like her name; gluck. and i like the tomatoes. why are tomatoes such a randomly appealing thought?!

poem

there is a poet called frank o hara, who seems to have written alot of poems called... wait for it.... POEM.

excerpt from one imaginatively titled "Why I am Not a Painter"

One day I am thinking of
a color: orange. I write a line
about orange. Pretty soon it is a
whole page of words, not lines.
Then another page. There should be
so much more, not of orange, of
words, of how terrible orange is
and life. Days go by. It is even in
prose, I am a real poet. My poem
is finished and I haven't mentioned
orange yet. It's twelve poems, I call
it ORANGES.

Matins by Louise Gluck

What is my heart to you
that you must break it over and over
like a plantsman testing
his new species? Practice
on something else: how can I live
in colonies, as you prefer, if you impose
a quarantine of affliction, dividing me
from healthy members of
my own tribe: you do not do this
in the garden

...
- Father,
as agent of my solitude, alleviate
at least my guilt; lift
the stigma of isolation, unless
it is your plan to make me
sound forever again

(truthfully, i dont really know what this poem is about, i suspect it means more than the surface meaning... but i like some parts)

someone left a whole pile of poetry books in the library.

Monday, May 10, 2010

i wake to sleep and take my waking slow

The Waking

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.

We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.


Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.

Light takes the Tree; but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me, so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.

This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.

tea party - kerli (alice in wonderland)

perhaps we over-think things, and try to assign meanings to things right after they happen. doesn't that make you feel so dumb, going around in circles? sure, its fine to think things happen for a reason (it's definitely less mind-boggling or cliff-hanging than alternative school of thoughts sometimes). but HINDSIGHT is meant to be at least 1km away, not every minute.

similarly, maybe religion shouldn't be over-thought. unless you're like a priest who studies theology. speaking of which... today's sermon was a bit theological/ abstract i thought?!! used to the usual student-targeted messages ooops. i don't know. i mean none of us KNOW, right?! hrm maybe bordering on heresy here... haha

for me, i just thank God for creating comedy and drama and theatrical things. things that light up life. everything i needed to say has been said so many times over, that i find i dont even want to pray for myself anymore. i'm beginning to feel so selfish and broken-recorder that im considering just praying for world peace for now on... lol! maybe this is just the dark tea-time of the soul. exams do have that very specific effect on me... but no, i've definitely been considering this for awhile. the idea of what is written in the book and what we can change, free will, determination (??) it's like there isn't MEANT to be an answer.

and in religion... there are many things you just can't broach. that's the POINT. i can't even argue it with myself; there's a radius of sanctity. on a great day it's all easy to say, everything is perfectly predetermined, i'm chugging along great, blahhh. on other days it's completely incomphrehensible as to why we must all do the things we do, has all my wrongs been part of a plan, my own wrongdoing (likely), or my own wrongdoing turned good, and WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED HAD I CHOSEN OTHERWISE. furthermore, is it not that because i am me that it turned out that way?

so essentially, we're all irrepressibly, unerringly moving towards the brink?

guess we always wonder why we did what we did. it occured to me that -perhaps- in trying to do the best, i didn't actually do the best i personally could. in chasing after some things, i neglected others. is that my fault though, or just circumstance? it seems like such a glaring omission now... can people ever PREDICT these things!? on the bright side, new windows always opening = a GOOD thing. suppose that, while on hindsight (and this is a -fair- amount of time) some paths could have been better trodden, you can't take every path.

why do i always trust people least when i should trust them most, either for my own good or for the general good ;p or just for the friendship. and, why do i trust people most when i honestly should trust them least.

and in the end, it will be the same. take the lift to a high place where you know a minimal amount of people; stare at the scenery until you feel clean.

house

cameron: "maybe he cheated!"
chase: "right. kids always cheat on their bleeding time tests"

as they watch the heart pumping
house:" well don't freeze it! something's not moving, how can you tell if nothing's moving!"

Sunday, May 9, 2010

pck mimicking ris low

HAHAHAA
this totally made my day

on leopard prints:
"correct. not everyone can wear animal prints. its very hard ah, the leopard wont let you"

"and then you can wear with jeans, or with your boots with prints, or tshirt with prince, or jeans with prince, and then you can walk down prince edward road"

what's the most daring thing you've worn?
"most daring thing i've won... the medal for running... away from the police"

what do you wear when you're feeling naughty?
"i cannot say! i cannot say on tv.... "
"if i feeling naughty, i dont wear. because if i wear, then its not naughty. if i don't wear, it's cold, but naughty"

pck, are you a fashionista?
"oh ya, very, very fashionable. i like to wear red, yerrow, and broo.. cos like that ah, the color will BOOMZ. it shouts HELLO ITS ME AH" omggg for this one really have to watch the vid. so so so funny
listening to: dvorak: songs my mother taught me

classical music reminds me so strongly of home. lying on my belly in the sun-soaked doorway, reading sunday comics. even the act of going to church on sunday is so filled with the idea of family. driving the car through traffic jams. i have never considered myself attached to my church at all but the other day i found myself thinking how cool it would be to see us all grown up.

pomp and circumstance: march no. 1 in d major

OMG, kill me now. fav song of the 92.4 dj. listening to this song is like breathing the air of home

ps i finished 1 lecture!! ie, the easiest. birth defects -_- and now, chromosomes ughhhh

pps: re-discovered. modest mouse. HAHAHA

total eclipse of the heart - glee

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
Now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
Total eclipse of the heart

________
and at the end even tho she was singing this (and jesse too!!) he turned around.... but left her anyway. !!
i think the problem is, i can never figure out whether it is worth it

is it?!!!!!!

well. i asked for it. in a way. contentment doesnt suit me. but too much distracting angst also cannot ya true
i just wanna be alone tonight/
i just wanna take a little breather
just a random train of thought

tonight: do as much of genetics as possible
sun: start making overall endo notes. i cant remember a single thing!!!
mon: email pbl excuse email andd go rie to get stuff from c. and endo. and i suspect i wont have finished genetics

house in the background makes me feel stable i dunno why

Saturday, May 8, 2010

cos its getting harder and harder to breathe

after my hr long skype w/ michelle i had a very odd dream involving, packing, luggage, and SWANS. which reminds me of the infamous swan story colin told our cell HAHAHAH. thanks tho it was good advice, but - LOL.

how come, the more you do, the less tired you feel? yesterday i ran, went to the gym, did 3 lectures, skyped for 2.5 hrs!!! just to give you a good idea of my normal life... sleep really early, malinger in bed until late ANYWAY, +/- skip some lectures, rush for the 1-2 compulsory things that day, waffle around and eat random things, at 10pm msn with people about how little work i've done, blahblah, decide to sleep so tomorrow will be better... yeah you get the idea.

anyway off to do laundry, NO CHOICE i literally have no more clean clothes

this week is like a house

curtains drawn,
lights off

flowers in the windows
curry wafting from

crevices, dark
attics made new

it is full of dust,
no-one has set foot

in it since last Sunday
it is big and important

~
most reccent effort, a few weeks back. it's not that good. but quirkish. i like. will rewrite.

thankew to those who get me through these times. all my life i have been dragging myself from the pit saying i can do it cos i am ME. these few weeks, i am wondering why my compensatory responses are not kicking in, and it really really befuddled me. i keep expecting the fighting me to come descending upon everything with shield and armour and some magic sword. i keep waiting for my ultimatums, grand resolve, battle cry, and determination so thick you could cut it with a knife. but... nothing. soft fluffy marshmallows, dream about swans and fowl. i consider literally buying thyme. IT IS NOT ME who can do this. the competitive spirit needs people who i can compete with (in whatever capacity) not people i have long given up competing with. random bet with m.yeo hehe. SOMETHING TO FIGHT FOR. shame is good you know, it spurs you on. WHY DO I SUDDENLY HAVE NO SHAME?!!!

aja hwaiting ;p ps ahhhh byj~

Friday, May 7, 2010

my living space is proof that entropy exists in the world. ps sorry for dissappearing offline/ off skype randomly people... i dont hate you guys just... you know, every month...

skipped the pbl i spent the whole week doing -_-

on the bright side, had a really good icp yesterday despite the fact that i felt like someone was stabbing me in the stomach every five minutes. the practice was great - both being the patient and being the person examining, cos you remember it well when people're doing it to you too! and my groupmates are some of the coolest, quirkiest people out there heh. i was actually quite sad that most of them are intercalatingggg =(

and my flatmate randomly made apple pie and we had it yesterday yum!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

motivation = -100
benefits of waking up at 7am to run = ... you get to run. thats it, finito.

sometimes i wonder would it be easier if i hadnt wanted this so much. then there would be no expectations. i am SO stupid. they would have made me do it ANYWAY right? so then i could have asked for the moon. but this IS the star i requested for the sky; i'm not going to get any other things from space. de chun jing chi hahaha. but seriouslyy how nice it would be

caterpillar cake and dim sum and TAU HWAY :)

edit: if im not wrong i think that refers to matt's bday at saigon? where colin went on & on about all manner of random stuff to matt's mum hahahaha it was PRICELESSLY FUNNY. ben was like mock-puking and really-scolding him after that HAHAHA good times yo!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

speechless

the only thing left i can draw strength from is this bubbling stream of dreams

Day breaks: the whole of yesterday went falling
among fingers of light and eyes of dream,
tomorrow will arrive with green footsteps:
no one holds back the river of dawn.

No one holds back the river of your hands,
the eyes of your dream, beloved.
You are the tremor of time that runs
between light on end and darkened sunlight.

~

You ask what the crab offers, between its claws of gold,
and I say: The sea will tell you.
You ask what the sea-squirt hopes for in its translucent bell.
What can it hope for?
I say that it waits on its time, as you do.
You question for whom the algal Macrocystis offers its embraces.
Unloose it, unloose it, in a certain ocean, and a certain time, that I know.
Though you turn, for my answer to the narwhal’s malicious ivory,
I say that you wait for a darker reply,
how the sea-unicorn suffered the lance.
It may be you question the halcyon’s plumage,
tremoring,
in the pure womb of the southern seas?
Now, on the crystalline house of the polyp you twine
new demands, threshing it to the husk?
You want to know the matter electric, caught on the forks of the deep?
The stalactite’s armour that extends as crystal?
The spear of the angler-fish, the music stretched-out
in the gulf, like a thread amongst waters?
Ode to the Piano


by Pablo Neruda, translated by Jodey Bateman



The piano was sad
during the concert,
forgotten in its gravedigger's coat,
and then it opened its mouth,
its whale's mouth:
the pianist entered the piano
flying like a crow;
something happened as if a stone
of silver fell
or a hand
into a hidden
pond:
the sweetness slid
like rain
over a bell,
the light fell to the bottom
of a locked house,
an emerald went across the abyss
and the sea sounded,
the night,
the meadows,
the dewdrop,
the deepest thunder,
the structure of the rose sang,
the milk of dawn surrounded the silence.

An Ode for Ironing - Pablo Neruda

Poetry is white
it comes dripping out of the water
it gets wrinkled and piles up
We have to stretch out the skin of this planet
We have to iron the sea in its whiteness
The hands go on and on
and so things are made
the hands make the world every day
fire unites with steel
linen, canvas and calico come back
from combat in the laundry
and from the light a dove is born
purity comes back from the soap suds
typing easy lung cancer stuff which i know, and which i know is likely to come out, with c's pink earphones in my favvv library on this continent. :)

enough with dramas at 3am... ted mosby was right, after 2am, nothing good happens, just go to sleep.

its like looking through a kaleidoscope; like witnessing a shooting star. am i allowed to wish on it? usually, i get all hung up about random things; how rare it is, that suddenly all i can do is literally thank God for even sending 1mg of fairy dust my way. there will be no growing ring of mushrooms, but one day years from now i will make mushroom soup and think of this fondly.

the way things shift, you'd think we all lived in the sahara desert and were professional sand-dune surfers. i wonder how that must feel, to constantly have the floor move under your feet, to literally grit your teeth, have sand in your eye.

this past week i have not been productive. i had so many grand plans, and it all fell to pieces with misplaced duty. do you understand, i felt so strongly like the world rested on my shoulders. and on hindsight -no, it didnt. but if i let go, i'm so scared it will all fall apart.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

am gripped with a want to do o&g suddenly. apart from the simple fact that i wouldnt actually get in ,academically speaking. I'M CATHOLIC. so that makes it significantly harder. apparently, i cant even refer people to a colleague coz that would be participating in moral wrongdoing. now i believe strongly in upholding my beliefs but just as strongly in trying not to inconvenience others when going about that. BUT O&G IS SO COOL. OH GAH.

yeah maybe i should get back to learning explanation & advice for my mock osce in 2 hrs time. i know i know this off the top of my head but... i realised i couldnt rmb the epilepsy drugs offhand so thought i should revise. ps: they're carbamzepine, lamotrigine, phenotyein, gabapentin, amongst others.

aiya all stroke/ angina/ peripheral vascular disease is atheroma (fatty patches in the arteries), no blood goes through cos of the atheroma, doesnt reach the brain/ heart/ legs so pain. uc - inflammation. epilepsy - abnormal burst of electrical activity in the brain. CAN ALR LA I JUST GO RUNNING NOW. boo. of course not. blasted perfectionism.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

that really means !@#$!!!

I HATE MYSELF.

usually i mess up royally but THIS IS AMAZING. why oh why. ughhhhhhh something good better happen really soon.

shit how could i be so stupid! i wanted so much to make it ok. -100 brownie points. omg, this is like exploding the eggs. in my defence, im really very tired, i really dunno why. i tried so hard for so long. i stayed up late reccently listening and talking and just trying to do my part. BUT TODAY. JUST WHEN IT MATTERS.

im not sure anyone can save me from myself now. and tomorrow, jostling for unproductive, soul-sucking studying. i actually have muscle ache from studying. all the chocolate in the world never makes studying better. all that advice i gave, ALL BACKFIRING ON ME NOW. WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME. when i tell people something or am unsympathetic, IT ALWAYS BACKFIRES ON ME. i have zero energy to study, or to do anything actually

on the bright side, maybe this will all just end in my own private misery, and not have any butterfly effects. yeah, there will be some fallout, some unpleasancy, etc. but nothing major. im willing to take the fallout.

just. i want to have my studying mojo back, badly. its like an itch you cant scratch. and my IDIOCY. IS UNPARALELLED. omgggg. the worst thing is how, ive maxed out my bitching potential. even _____ cant listen and anyway, its really the wrong time. and anyway, its not good to use people, even for this kinda thing. i desperately need something to make me happy. ps: tonight from west side story does a good job of this.
A Cat's entitled to expect
These evidences of respect.
And so in time you reach your aim,
And finally call him by his NAME.

So this is this, and that is that:
And there's how you AD-DRESS A CAT.
~

looking at pretty book of drugs. hee. highlighted things that i dont know. thorglbihglhbj,mhlll. ok. step 1 is over now. i am freaking out that i am not freaking out. i cant find sympathy anywhere (no shit sherlock, this is the 1000th time you have angsted about exams), and the one place i know i can, i frankly cant bear to inflict it. blahblahblah. HATE. THIS.
cant decide whether to puke/ cry/ have a panic attack (not that a) ive ever had any or b) one can bring these on voluntarily, i thiink)

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Saturday, May 1, 2010

random stress all for hopefully nothing. though i hated the computer troubles... guess i really needed the time to focus on other things :)

apart from my all-surpassing need to fulfil my duties, i also realised today that friends must be treasured. x was sharing about how he feels this need to do good by some of his closest friends and that sort of guides his decisions. that really strikes a chord within me. its like he cares so much intrinsically for them that it matters so much to him. i do love my friends but i can't say i'm at that level of selfsacrifice... sometimes its really difficult to put your trust in people. trust that they wont hurt or desert you, that they will be there in times of need, or just on an everyday basis. and sometimes it's just so much harder to expect things of people.

alll that said, despite my many neuroses, randomnesses etc, you guys have been great. :) entertainment, company, the predictableness and the unpredictableness.

gah the late nights for no good reason are starting again. ARGHHHHHHHHH. im not even studying just... commitments & unwinding. these two are so interlinked i dont even know where to start untangling. would i stay up late anyway, or is it BECAUSE of this?!

a busy weekend, and a GREAT START.

and next year things will be different. no m, no r. m has been so so entertaining this year i think we will all sorely miss him =( =( OK nvm as long as we all pass and go to 3rd year, VERY GOOD ALREADY.