About Me

Monday, July 19, 2010

hahahaha some things never change. there is possibly no greater perfection in this world.

i like these ephemeral things. the only problem is when it becomes reality and you actually have to deal with it. then it's not fun anymore. but for this... nah, that will never happen.

also i want egg tarts. boo

Friday, July 16, 2010

home

is really where the heart is. for sure,all this will wear off. but the feeling of sleeping on the familiar sheets, even just perching on this chair in front of the computer - such a normal action but everything about this room just makes me feel the love

although june was such a stressful time, i think i needed to overcome a lot of issues in solitude, without interference in the radio waves.

about that - if i didn't try, i wouldn't know. and i suppose deep down there are a lot of rather strange things i don't fully understand. it didn't hit me until after that i had never really forgiven. and when i remembered all the things actually showed forgiveness, all the acts of kindnesses and displays of friendships, that i just put down to the normality of character i knew so well, i really felt like kicking myself. kicking my subconscious for holding onto the grudges, for AGAIN listening to bits of background advice; elevator music. pride! without pride what does one have? then again, with it, what does one have, but it?

anyway, really enough about it. truly i think this has to run its natural course. since i am equally at fault and not, i will just chill about it and not get pissed at myself or others for anything. and just take whatever comes. maybe with luck it can become even better than before (you know in the vein of what doesn't kill you makes you stronger). but, erm. that would require sufficient luck to win the lottery i think.... and if not. oh well, i did things wrong. and things happen. what to do? so yup. at peace with it. if what i did made anything worse then... oh well. i wouldnt have known until after anyway.

in any case, home is lovely. but EXTREMELY HOT. i think i am more mature than i realised. and my plans for the future keep solidifying. how am i to get there?? i really don't know. but i will keep trying. some things are worth trying for. i think our prayers are getting wiser.

Friday, July 9, 2010

thinking on buses, is far and away my favourite pastime.

well, as long as i'm taking the bus Somewhere

this is an insoluble mystery. i can think of a hundred different dramas i would far rather have occupy my head, rather than one which just keeps looping, like a broken tape recorder. with every loop, the quality gets more and more ridiculously bad.

whatever it is, i shall cling to the belief that i stuck with my ridiculous pride all the way through, with all my misguided morals, with every heartfelt shot at trying to rebuild collapsing dams, with every unfunny joke or off beat. because it is true. choices i made in the past are just that- choices. the importance lies in the fact that they were conscious decisions, a struggle to know which to do. probably, they were bad in some ways. but who knows what would have happened if i'd done otherwise. i lost some things, but i might have lost everything. at least i didn't lie or cheat or steal or kill (not that anyone i personally know has done these things, hahaha) or purposely set out to hurt anyone. you see, probably whatever i had done, it would always end up at this point. so it's no point thinking it's one's fault. because it is the nature of the vissictitudes of life that things will always sway to one way. it's like how a heavy stone will sink in a river, or a canoe gets smashed against the rocks in a rushing rapid. i must be secure in that knowledge or i won't be able to live with myself.

and having the solid base of pride and self-respect, one must then PUT THAT ASIDE for the sake of actually getting along with other human beings. i think that is far and above the hardest bit. it's difficult enough not wallowing in your own stupidities and self-pity, but then having to buffer anything that changes the carefully titrated pH levels... that's the challenge i thinK

and most importantly of all, just like how people do penance but dont go around moaning and groaning publicly about it coz that defeats the purpose. ok, not EXACTLY like that. but. it's obviously important to try, and everything, but there are still 101 obligations that i must meet. you have to be like the bu dao weng, and pick yourself up perfectly everytime you fall. the trying of anything cannot destroy you.

anyway, last pccf before i go home, today. yay! :) have missed it
thennn hopefully youth bible study at church in sg!!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

i think i can make a very long list. things i have prayed about that stubbornly refuse to come to fruition. i think this will go the way of that. haha. no such thing as you are free of this forever. the worst thing is how it was all so tied up somehow. seriously was it the fengshui or something, that led to everything.

on the bright side, i have gotten two books to read. and i ran yesterday. books! running! good things.

i keep making resolutions but i keep getting distracted. i think this final one is something i must carry out and see through to the end. as in... actually DO. its too late tho. but that's the way it goes.
i'm so tired. is there a God? i sincerely hope so.

it seems sometimes that in the end, there will never be anyone to defend you, or stick up for you. that no, good deeds dont actually get rewarded. that things will always be out of control. that you will neither get what you thought you wanted, or what you didn't think you want but actually do, or what you need.

you said you wouldn't bother trying. but well - i can't not try. literally, i cannot NOT do something. i just have to make sure i keep some semblance of perspective - that i know it's pretty much doomed, and i'm just doing it cos i can't bear to stand still and not do anything to save the situation - even though the other party would - and even though i know it probably won't save anything.

i dont even want to think anymore. i'm just ridiculously exhausted, and i wish God would come and save me from myself. but i doubt that's ever, ever, going to happen. i just want to know NOW why all this has to happen. and worst of all, is the unshakeable belief, that i'm the only one having to deal with all this shit, and other parties just go on living their own lives with nary a thought about it. competing with a blind faith in the humanity of others for some inexplicable reason. the competition isn't that strong honestly, but the underlying faith does persist despite all evidence to the contrary. i want to have hindsight NOW. i don't like going through life being blinkered and flagellated, i'm not a carriage-pulling horse. but that's probably the entire reason. i'm the sort who demands privacy when it's not really needed, and seeks companionship at times when it doesnt want to be given. that much i do acknowledge. however, that's completely seperate issues.

but logically, i must be learning SOMETHING from this. there must be a happy medium, SOMEWHERE. somewhere over the rainbow

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

our daily bread

had an interesting message today - that we already have everything we need. and that covetousness is at the root of all evil. it does have a point in that lying, cheating, stealing, etc comes about because we want what is not ours. strong words really. and depressing ones actually hahah. it's never nice to think that what you want is not meant to be yours.... how would anyone know anyway until you've exhausted all possibilities of trying. of course, by then, you might have commited any multitude of sins. assuming you're still alive and sane.

i don't think i could personally ever be free from wanting things. who doesn't just want to live a happy and easy life in the land of milk and honey, with accomplishments, recognization, fulfilment and entertaintment galore? with no drama in your own life but plenty of them to be lived out vicariously. buT nevertheless, something to think about

lol the very buff phd student in the lab just sauntered in in workout clothes at 11am. sigh good life. i have a report + lit review due in 2.5 hours, going out of my mind!!

ps: i like my new room muchly :) heh. thank you God for providing a nice house

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

I don't know where I crossed the line
Was it something that I said
Or didn't say this time
And I don't know if it's me or you
But I can see the skies are changing
In all the shades of blue
And I don't know which way it's gonna go

If it's gonna be a rainy day
There's nothing we can do to make it change
We can pray for sunny weather
But that won't stop the rain
Feeling like you got no place to run

(Let it fall, let it fall, let it fall)
Please don't stop the rain
(Let it fall, let it fall, let it fall)
Please don't stop the rain

I thought that time was on our side
I've put in far too many years
To let this pass us by
You see life is a crazy thing
There'll be good time and there'll be bad times
And everything in between
And I don't know which way it's gonna go
Watch my life,
Pass me by,
In the rear view mirror
Pictures frozen in time
Are becoming clearer
I don't wanna waste another day
Stuck in the shadow of my mistakes



just did something quite surprising, on hindsight. work work work. i absolutely must finish a crazy amount of shit by 5pm or im DOOMED. why did i do that again? funny how one's priorities shift. or maybe im doomed to spend my life running after things i can't have, and never ever treasuring whatever i do have. life has a sense of humor. a rather sarcastic one i must say
moving chapter 2 accomplished. now i just need to move everything from kamin's place YEAH

and work - ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH

Monday, July 5, 2010

the ramification of the events of the past month, and how much it has scarred me, didn't hit home until church on sunday. i wanted to pray for the new flat and all, and it occured to me, that i didn't dare to pray. that i didn't believe my prayers would be answered anymore, about anything.

to think that when i was in p5, i thought we could change the weather and drive the clouds away so we could drive safely down the mountain, just by sending up prayer missives. why do children have childish, unyielding faith? it is because they have never experienced dissappointments, perhaps? they have not looked at something that could change the entire course of their lives, and wished for all their hearts for it, and gotten that stamped upon by a horde of angry, hungry, mountain goats.

i always pray that i never lose my God. but these days, i am seriously realising that i very well might already have. and that scares the wits out of me. to not have what i want on earth, and not have heaven either? that seems like the ultimate death knell.

i think i AM at the heart of it, a believer. but my soul is tired of hearing No, for things i just want to hear Yes for. it's like being bitten by a snake - once bitten, twice shy. because i have been so happy lately, so carefree (actually, anything in comparison to the living hell i've just been through, would be all birds and shiny happy things), i didnt realise how beaten down, unbeliving and sore my soul is.

nevertheless, the singing was quite nice. :) i kept the songsheet, it's somewhere in the detritus of my belongings in someone else's flat now.
minor thing but... if it's all such a natural, inevitable thing, why do i feel as if i have lost something, because of things i did or failed to do? why don't i feel peace and closure, like it's something normal and acceptable. nevertheless, the wall is clear - i suppose it's more like a transparent wall now. but will it EVER COME DOWN?!!

things have come and gone, the weather flipflops frantically between searing heat and bone-chilling cold and winds so strong you can't even move against them. so any emotions i once have might felt about anything have now been completely washed away. i don't know what to do, honestly, and even worse, i don't know what to do about the fact that i don't know what to do.

haha. deep stuff.

but anyway, whatever it is, i think i am learning to be an actual person. useful, that. i think they call it ... zhuo ren. i'm always so caught up with all my dramas (as in literally, the ones in my own life) that it's so difficult to think about anything else.

i hope it can be ok. as in, naturally, normally, for-real ok.

lots of things to doooo like finishing up this behemoth of a project, moving PART TWO -_- and i am certain new dramas await me, just that they're obscured by rainbows and glitter clouds. good. keep it that way. just give me a break for a while please, thanks very much. but anyway heh i'm SO GLAD we managed to move!! and nandos for dinner last night was YUM totally going there again.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

extremely lame stuff, and cool chinese proverbs

lol. i hope it'll be ok.

"It is not wise for a blind man, riding a blind horse, to approach the edge of a deep pond." (traditional Chinese proverb)

"Half an orange tastes as sweet as a whole one." (traditional Chinese proverb)

Do hungry time-travellers ever go back four seconds?

The days of the pocket diary are numbered.

Poetry written upside-down is inverse; poetry of very few lines is universal.

Serious campers are intense.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

Sports people can avoid the pain of defeat by wearing comfortable shoes.

frente

There's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of a fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes
And it's what nobody knows
And every day my confusion grows

~

i will miss this view from my window, my frozen fridge, and a lot of things. what a crazy-filled year this has been. had pistachio icecream today with may, yoch and jo whom we met randomly when walking back from watching argentina-germany. LOL. i feel really bad for maradona. he had his moment of glory though, so many years back. hope he will be okay eventually lol. havent had it for quite some time so that was quite nice. got me thinking really, things are so nice when you get them suddenly after abstaining for awhile. not that i was particularly abstaining from it but yeah. have been trying for quite a while to sort out my life alone but eventually the anti-socialness just got to me so decided to go out today. it was nice! the fifth years graduated today and hung out with the pccf crowd at football-watching :)

after much frustration, missed opportunities, and considerations, managed to book my flight home. THE MOMENT I GAVE ALL MY CARD DETAILS, AND IT WAS ALL SORTED, after changing my mind a hundred times as to which day i should go back, MY PHONE RAN OUT OF CREDIT. cue swearing, door-kicking and histrionics. in the end i borrowed my flatmate's phone and paid her back in bus tickets. LOL. i hope they still accept those. it was really nice though. you could fairly see the message-genies with the SEE THEY LOVE YOU morals jumping around. ok. i get the plot. :)

Thursday, July 1, 2010

finally!
haiya see, is it so difficult. who doesn't know that life is tough and we all face difficulties. is it so hard to just put all that aside for awhile to talk about happy things in the future?! (yes. it is) ok, admittedly, i suppose i made my opinions pretty clear. a little too clear. remind me not to talk loudly on the phone at work...

anyway. i'm just happy that the black cloud got lifted. now i can settle everything else in my life:) i keep meaning to treasure my friends more and do sweet things for them. or something. maybe replying emails more would be a gd start.

anyway. hee. KOREA!!!!!!!!!