About Me

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

the pendulum is mid-swing

There are only miracles, eli, and to one degree or another they all soothe, pamper, and enrich. However, to avoid blowing too many minds at once, some are disguised as unpleasant surprises, botched circumstances, and twisted acquaintances that can rarely be seen for who or what they truly are until the pendulum has fully swung.

Yes... don't I think of everything?

Duck!
The Universe

So if something still hurts, baffles, or confuses, eli, it only means a miracle has occurred, the pendulum is mid-swing, and that soon you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

all is well with my soul

Serena: I guess it's for the best. If I end up with Dan, a part of me will always love Nate. If I end up with Nate, a part of me will always love Dan, so I don't know. I guess I just need to find someone who gives me what I get from both of them.
Blair: That's a mature decision. Not sure I've made many of my own for awhile.

hehh. blair, i feel you.

tomorrow - its highly unlikely it will be cotton candy perfect, but there are things to look forward to. this is the best sort of peace, because it's the calm AFTER the storm, not before. that's just dangerous.

today, i think i've come full circle on a circle. like the planets revolve on their own axis, but also go round the sun. like 365 days have finally elapsed. (metaphorically. i have no idea what i was doing 1 year ago) i finally finished the last spin, and i'm where i need to be. i've closed the last link, ive ended everything on a good note, i'm at the beginning again

nick lachey - resolution
Nothing but an empty page
Breathing in an open space

Here's my resolution
I'm letting go
All I need to learn is along this road
Breathe, it's my resolution

Living life without a plan
Finding solace where I stand
~
and as my said - the me then said BRING IT ON. and the me now knows that i am living out my dreams :)

also - its back to the studying grind. NOOO!!

gossip girl love


Eleanor: I could kill the caterer. The appetizer tray looks like a Rorschach Test.

Rufus: I'm dreading this. As much as the truth might be a relief it's also the toughest thing he'll ever have to face.
Lily: Well just be prepared. Who knows how he'll react. He may not even believe you.
Rufus: Genetics don't lie, even though some doctors who administer paternity tests do.


HAHA. i have a whole stack of quotes... in my GI tract notes. it makes me smile non-stop

to summarise, friends have been wonderful, i have revealed too much, too soon. but, i had chocolate, i cut my hair, i feel loved and at peace. i saw heart-shapes in the sky between the clouds yesterday when running. i have realised something important. i have experienced warmth where i never suspected it might come from - or rather - i am just so pessimistic about it cos when it's cold, boy is it cold. but that just makes me treasure it aaall the more. life can get hilly, so learn to rock-climb.

i need to study, its been a hectic weekend.
as with some other particular things. everything that needs to be said, has been said. i am at peace.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

take my dreams/ come and give them wings

today we had harvey, and i finally learnt what all the murmurs sound like. it was sheer sheer joy.

i am totally going to cut down on music listening.

butbut the BEST THING was that when i presented my history-taking, the doctor taking us was like 'good! that was exactly what i was looking for!' and proceded to effuse on a little longer. *sparkles of happiness* usually the scottish/ english are farr better than me at presenting so i never stand out, plus the putting on an accent just messes me up. so it's a looong time (like since debate times) that something like this has happened.

so dear harvey tutor, thank you for the affirmation which you will likely forget, but i will always remember fondly :)

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

yesterday was essentially a study of contrasts, ie, STORY OF MY LIFE.

happy bit, amongst other things, figured out my cg (ithink) and im pretty happy with this arrangement, fingers crossed it doesnt change and it goes well.

anyway, thanks hl, for taking that call. v grateful for that.

and guys - thanks for making me smile and laugh. all the time really

Sunday, November 21, 2010

do dreams come true? the ones you have when you're asleep?

wish last night's would.

that was the first time i ever felt so free and happy in a dream, like everything was gonna be okay

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

life

has been good. perhaps i have an addiction to dramas ;p but seriously, what's wrong with doing something that makes you happy??

Roundup of post-CA fun

- watched Sleeping Beauty by the Austrailian National Ballet on DVD. It is soo pretty. I wish I were a ballet dancer!

- post ca tea with the guys& their usual gang, twas fun guys!
- dinner at this indian restaurant. <3 trying out new food!

- ice-skating today with the og! i'm so glad i went, it was a good chance to get to meet more people and know people better!! :):) and... it was just plain fun. heh. although i'm aching everywhere now...

- breakfast with the family today... french toast and egg! perfect way to start off a public holiday

- exam mass where i got to know the catholic medics better :) and pray post-humously for my exam hahah.

- christmas carolling practice. carol of the bells is SO PRETTY. hearing all the sopranos altos tenors and basses singing in unison is really so pretty. i realised that at that moment, singing about the miracle of christmas was the best thing i could do for God. there is really so little we can do to show our gratitude that one should do EVERYTHING possible. and i have been having so many criseses (like since forever) about what is the right thing.

at that moment, as i was inexplicably part of this greater chorus of things, of this shimmering arc of beauty transcending everything, as our voices rose over the raging storms outside, as the strains of 'joy to the world' cut through the thunder and lightning, i knew beyond all odds, that the right and best thing to do, was whatever choice led me to that room, on that day, to give this honor in glory of God.

the choice of coming back, the choice of spending the time singing instead of catching up on lectures or gymming. the choice of going for mass cos i didnt want to keep sending smses with excuses to annthea, or slink around just to avoid going for the activities (that's silly...). the choice of going for pccf all those nights, which left a pccf-shaped hole in my heart, which i needed cms to help me fill.

- aand stayed up until 3am last night (first time i've been able to since ca ended, due to people competing for computer usage) watching my favorite guy, rain, in runaway! highly reccomended. seriously, my life would never be like runaway, nor do i really want to be constantly on the run either. soo this is not some indulgent watch (like playful kiss, which is so slice of life that i might as well go eat my own english breakfasts and worry over my own studies... but khj is cute though hee) but a visual feast. plus rain and lee na-young are superb actors and it's really sweet how he declares his love for her as she sits in the police car having given up her freedom to be arrested to save him. he's saved her from baddies thousands of times, but this time, the amount he cares has increased exponentially; it just seems to have that added oomph of urgency and distress.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

choices

are annoying to make. what with the cg thing (but somehow i dont feel as disturbed as the rest of the class who are undergoing like MAJORRR upheaval hahah) and haish random stuff. ok, to be fair, it's happy stuff.

well i suppose, whatever happens, happens.

i have this feeling - that it's going to be a good good night

Monday, November 15, 2010

be whole again beyond confusion

Here are your waters and your watering place.
Drink and be whole again beyond confusion.




i think these two are related, somehow

i want to be certain of my uncertainty. hai have a hundred things to say but i think luckily for now my own probs are insignificant compared to that of others

Friday, November 12, 2010

IT'S OVAH, banned myself from studying today, went to the uni gym AND then came back for a glorious 8k run. next marathon coming up soon, better trainn (literally, and metaphorically)

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

the usual pre-exam post

so... my exam is in exactly 12 hours time.

the sad fact is usually i just feel too complacent thinking i know everything already. this is HIGHLY UNTRUE since duh, why would they teach us about tropical diseases in the middle of winter snowstorms...

have been extra-cranky today. not really used to having fellow human beings around as i contemplate my impending doom. (my flatmates used to be cooped having a nice early sleep while i attempted to stuff things into my brain, with much futility). usually i chain-watch dramas to relieve stress, wish i had studied more, and earlier, etc

well this time i really tried. ive never studied this hard, or consistently, EVER. it's really been quite hard physically watching the extralectures etc etc. but you know what. i literally asked for this. so i will, and must conquer this.

just want to PASS, and pass WELL. no need deans list, deans dinner. 9-5 tomorrow. it's not even split up!
only one chance for this - let's do it.

nelson hall

just saw ivy's pics of nelson hall. i have really happy memories of that place ... so funny to feel attached to this random townhall heh. and eh i didn't realise m& a were the games masters w/ c... saw a photo with 4 of my favourite pple in the world (but actually there are sooo many i can't count. heh. and that's what i mean by counting your blessings :)). also i know, it is only beautiful becos it turned out this way. which makes it.. bitter-sweet in a way, or maybe all the more saccharinely-sweet. i can't decide.

for tonight, i dont have to though.

random warm-gooey feelings tide you through the hard times. (let's just ignore aall the notsogood times yeah). like r said during dinner today, it's nothing compared to dying children in developing countries, the exam-stress we undergo, but it's still so AAAAAAARGH. anyways just going to do what i can and pray like anything i don't phail.

the saying - good neighbors are better than distant relatives - is TRUE. and i wouldnt be able to feel touched by the distaant shows of love if i didn't also feel sufficiently embraced by this place. i got an email along w the rest of the class, with my name on the seating list. and my heart leapt a little :) warren (i think that's his name... haha) coming along and us both doing the usual moan-about-ca thing hahaha really small things just make it better.

OK. i can do this. i am the master of my fate i am the captain of my soul

Monday, November 8, 2010

Agraphia made studying microb that much more worthwhile at the usual time of 2am. pseudomonads blahblahblah vibrio blahh meningitis aaargh maybe some other night at 2am, i will be glad for the patient i am looking after on call that i bothered to learn this well

Sunday, November 7, 2010

wisdom

If any of You lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.
James 1:5.

watched 5 mins of the playful kiss special on youtube. its reaaaally humdrum but cuteness overload. Like when she made a burnt english breakfast for him hahaah. Yeah, that's prolly the anti-thesis of wisdom

wisdom is i think what i just realised, that God always, always has his plans, but it's not your job to second guess them.

know this sounds terribly cliche but there is a story behind this, which i think is not really appropriate to write here right now. i remember in rgs, when they flashed this quote during one of the english oral prep sessions

"We always thought we'd look back on our tears and laugh, but we never thought
we'd look back on our laughter and cry."


i felt a little cynical then, dont think it was a good day, worried about debate as usual, tests and performance tasks getting me down. i thought yeaHHH right. but judging from the long post i just typed (and will not make public but will keep tucked away somewhere to reminsce about someday).... that just came true. and particularly in relation to rg days. i wish i had written down every funny thing that ever transpired. and goodness how we laugh about our tears. nic's "i always revert to the age i am when i met the person. so eli for you i am sixteen and just REALLY ANGSTY ABOUT EVERYTHING" sums it up heh

but its ok. our friendships will endure forever :)

ss501 - let me be the one


was gonna post this other one named 'God will make a way' but it didn't load hahah a sign?!



Saturday, November 6, 2010

nodame cantabile

just watched the part in nodame cantabile where they spin the cellos and play the violins up in the air. hehh. can't stop smiling now. and chiaki is SOO hot when he conducts. i now wanna be a conductor.

i feel like i should make every effort to aim for perfection

this guy is just such a perfectionist (usually a quality i tend to dislike cos it means disregarding other more important things and people and SANITY for one small area of things which doesnt mean ANYTHING when you are stripped of all your material goods, etc.), and yet SO AMAZINGLY COOL.

just seeing him stalk out of his apartment all dressed up to go conducting, whack nodame when she plays sloppily, demand nothing but absolute fervor and devotion for the rest of the maddening crowd ie his orchestra that he conducts, makes me want to be like that too.

lol. i never thought i'd find myself improving myself for a fictional character in a tv show! but hey, whatever works right. it's too late to play in an orchestra/ be a conductor now :(
adversity is my best friend. gogo eli you can do this!!

as usual, it's hard, but I'LL DO IT.

(am not talking about exams. but ill ace that too. well. maybe not. SIGH)

new layout: glee

part of the one million things in life that make me happy. goodness knows i need cheering up today. in a way, i'm sort of immune to all this exam stress, but this new monster of an exam... well anyway i'm determined to prove that I CAN BEAT TEH ODDS. (i'm so scared).

how come i still dont remember anything about e coli after all this years of studying it is really beyond me.

but anyway, there is no way God would bring me this far and leave me alone. i recognise that this doesn't extend to a magical spot on the deans list; it's up to me to show my gratitude by doing well, becoming a good doctor (for once), etc

right now though it feels like a vaccum. nooooo

Friday, November 5, 2010

runaway plan b love

love stories can sometimes be cheesy, but when rain and jinny are about to be killed, the look of mingled horror and despair as he realises THEY CANNOT GET OUT OF THIS, this time, that as he shouts 'i will guard you until the end!!' he probably can't, it is heartbreaking. and in a final attempt to save her he yells "KILL ME FIRST, DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME?! KILL ME FIRST?!". really touching. talk about being willing to die for someone. they actually give like nearly 5 minutes just to this scene of rain shouting over and over again TAKE ME FIRST!! wow.

the cop and his girlfriend are really cute too! they come to investigate the suspect and knock at the door (as rain goes into histrionics and the needle inches closer to jinny's wrist), and chat to the suspect
cop: let us in!
suspect: this has nothing to do with me
the gf: do you think we are hawkers?!
cop: don't say that!
gf: sorry. it just makes me feel bad
cop: feel bad? LET'S GO IN!! -charges in by force-

soo sweeet! and the time she brought him coffee during his interrogation of rain and rain escaped with the help of the coffee stirrer.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

did two lectures in the morning, finished my ethics tutorial, had enough hours of sleep, and played sabotage with the guys in the medsoc room. good times yo. good reprieve from this neverending stresss. maybe i should feel more disturbed at the things slipping like eels out of my brain? instead i was playing card games hahaha. well it was fun

i got satisfactory for the ethics assignment and she wrote a few 'good!'s which made me all happy inside for a little while.

but the BEST THING EVER to happen is that i got published!! my poetry that is! i dont know if that will ever happen again coz the usual suspects didn't submit poems, and this is one of my better ones with good imagery and sustained metaphors (there's a lit term for this) so it's a good confluence

one thing i noticed is that this year is a series of FORTUNATE events, so so different from last year. cynic that i am i dunno how long it will laaast. but i think it's like the universe paying me back for aaall the crap, kind of like when you say IT WILL GET BETTER. this is it man.

okay, back to FAP, HNPCC, APC, etc. yes, ive studied it before, no not on the molecular Axin/ B-cat/ CSK3f and phosphorylatons here and there level.

really don't know why today i kept meeting nice smiley people. that can only be a good thing. maybe its coz i made it for the morning worship today. heh. and i'm getting closer to nicole & annthea, at least more than i thought i would when in desperation cos i knew no-one i went for the cms cell group. close enough that we can encourage each other.

Monday, November 1, 2010

studied more today than ever, but also feel like i've been run over by several large giraffes. i think this has something to do with the fact i woke up at 545am to go running.

also v nice studying today, the people make the place so pretty really. although r did laugh quite a bit when i couldnt take it anymore and declared "i'm going off to watch korean dramas now". LOL. and the other day with h at yih was nice also! the extremely small portion of ddeokbukki i had been dying to try.