About Me

Saturday, December 31, 2011

nye



wow i'm speechless.. i think rain deserves every accolade he has and probably much more. he is just fantasticness embodied.

and to prove that he STILL has it, this is a more reccent vid
LOVE. ~ happy new year's eve everyone :)

Friday, December 30, 2011

overview of 2011

the first line of the first post of each month [using discretion, like half my posts seem to be OMG BIG BANG WON AN AWARD! or zomg i am so tired here goes a youtube video. this is amazing! awesome! hot guys with sixpacks!! no actually i never say the last one... haha. but on that note i swear the today newspaper folks keep talking about kpop actors and their abs. like. "there are two reasons to watch this movie. won bin, and his six-packs." ohhh-kay, well i understand where they're coming from!] so then i chose something that reflected the month better haha

so here goes!
jan: is ridiculously tired, and it's only the first day of school...
feb: my post-ca treat was splurging on books! yeah, okay, i've had rather a lot of post-ca treats. it was reaally traumatising!!
mar: There are two kinds of happiness in the world. One is a happiness that you realize after the fact. The other is a happiness that you feel in the moment.

april:
me: hey have you seen michael?
classmate: *stunned look* do you mean meckel's diverticulum?

may: dinner parties are EXHAUSTING. particularly when you have to find the teacups & teapots & sugar halfway through the thing.

june: you know it's going to be good, when you unexpectedly meet the person who showed you that every single chance encounter was for some greater good you couldnt see at the time.

july:
happy things
1. i have a smartphone! and angry birds and medscape and all the rest of it. it is AWESOME. in the return of the innenduoes ie slippery slope nooo, i was trying to understand how the wifi emmitting thingy works (cos my cg mate has a wifi thingy i can use to do internet stuff with), so i was like "you mean as long as xx is around i can do anything i want" LOL which clearly everyone took the wrong way ;p
[note: THEY ARE STILL SAYING THIS!! haha.]

aug: Today was good =) I'm really learning tons everyday. What scares me is that it's not enough, yknow like too little too late?!

september: Happy is happy but im totally burnt out..
They say you need to talk to pts to learn but wasting good cases on my ignorance = ugh

[note: i have 2 words... INTERNAL MEDICINE]

october: GEN MED IS OVER WHOOPEE
i've never been so glad for anything to be over. oh wait, ortho. oh wait, year 2 exams... lol ANYWAY.

november: :)
"you did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you"
John 15:16

december:
"whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you" John 15:16
PAEDS EOPT IS OVER!!!
~
 
also... HOW did the year go by so fast?! it's been a lovely year, all said. many moments of stress, EXAMS, etc, but also many new friends made, new experiences, new lessons learnt about Life & things. not so sure about medicine... HAHA. seriously pple keep teaching us about Life. i pretty much liked it.
 
my resolutions for next year are... too many really. i get obsessive abt list-making & making resolutions. once i made a calender for my gen med posting coz its so confusing w/ all the different tutorials everyday, and left my notebook in the mo room. when i returned, some m5 guy was looking at my notebook going WOW WHOSE IS THIS, SO ORGANIZED! heheh
 
1. LEARN TO DRIVE. or rather, to park/ reverse etc. i can drive in a straight line okayyy
2. bake more! this yr i baked 2 choc cakes & 1 cherry pie hahaha so proud of myself
3. not so much about studying more as being more efficient at what i actually am studying. and erm put it in a format that either i can rmb it or i can retrive it the night before whatever big exam hahaha. its always so confusing with notes everywhere man. or maybe i need to upgrade my brain's RAM...
 
4. break 2hrs for a marathon. okay. this is pretty much impossible. bwahaha
5. run more! i really really should. but i like to sleep in in the mornings. sigh.
6. be a better person
 
i think i totally have improved on the friend front. ask any of my friends! i havent pangsehed anyone since foreverr, altho this is mostly coz i now only say yes if i can make it (DOH). and also since, apart from the nus pple, most of my friends are studying overseas HAHA so theres noone to pangseh. and i met up w pple so many times this hols :D grin. i am becoming a HUMAN BEING peoplez. ok wait there's still the 3rd jan edin thingy, please do not foil me idiopathic stomach cramps!! haha but no seriously its definitely easier if people arent asking u to hang out every week. and plus for my cg mates i see them everyday, non-pangsehable coz i'm in trouble if i skip school right haha so yea. oh tt reminds me i resolve to DECREASE THE PUNS/INNENDUOES. or maybe just not say them in public places. okay that sounds even worse. okay i give up. HAHA
 
and after 2 weeks of slacking i realize i LIKE being busy, if only it didnt also come with the SIDE EFFECT of being so freakin exhausted the whole time. you dont say. anyway we still have like 1.5 more mths of fam med + 2 more weeks holiday, so, i think its more of slacking than busy craziness for me. BUT I REALLY SHOULD STUDY for the final exams. something tells me it's gonna be scaaary shit.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

amazing race

have spent the past 1.5 weeks running all over sg doing random stuff hahah. like going to kovan to play badminton, lots of last-min christmas lunches & dinners, caroling, etc etc. and baking! ok i only baked once, but i spent soo much time dithering over whether to do it or not (typicall). and even went for the kids christmas pageant! ok thaT was really totally random. anyway yea so it was like exhibiting cuteness overload x 100 e.g kids dancing to bruno mars but not really like pyrotechnic pro-ness, haha, i guess its hard to train kids to do anyth so i understand the organisers' difficulties in putting up the pageant! i was DA-ing a kid behind me when everyone was standing up to look at the crib or sth. so freaaking cute! i think the kid was kinda shy tho hahahaha i was quite scared she would loudly burst out crying in the middle of church ;p the pageant was gd in the sense that it makes you realise kids are innocent and more christlike than hardenedworldlytraumatisedangsty grownups, and u dont realise this until u are one of the aforementioned grownups, so, kinda ironic/ inevitable reaally. if only they had like...a STORYLINE or something, woulda been better.
and i keep getting co-opted into things randomly, like i dont think i planned my holidays that closely, infACT my plan was just to CHILLL not run everywhere like a headless chicken. oh well. maybe its just that the chilling doesnt imprint itself onto my memory. seeing as i sleep in like craazy everyday & have been computergamering uber much, i guess i've effectively slacked off! hehe.

macarons! i now have most ingredients except PIPING TIPS. grah pretty macarons, i want

also i have like 4 mths + to sort out an elective for the end of yr 3. ARGHHH. ok i know its totally unimpt but HELLO its 1 month of my life, id like to do something useful with that time thanksss. and btw the restrictions are really... grah.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

wishes

somehow, i feel this great sense of relief. it just feels like God pulled me back from the brink of something. i still think it was the right thing to do to try, definitely, 100%. i couldnt have lived with myself if i didn't. but to actually go ahead and do it is a baad idea

life does work in funny ways. but this time, its funny good

anyway just finished the kids xmas party caroling. :) it was pretty good! got to know some of my batchmates better since i literally didnt know ANYONE there before. okay maybe know as brief accquaintances but never talked to them before much. and seriously the guitar-playing santa claus dude was AWESOME. like firstly his guitar skillz are ++ and also he was like "ho.ho.ho. i am santa claus" HAHAHA we found the extra clarification hilarious. rather like terry prattchett's santa claus (check out hogfather). anyway the kids really loved him. there's something about being a child and santa i guess! anyway i have respectt for the people organizing, think they are doing a v gd job & sth meaningful indeed. and they have the coolest gift boxes. if i were a kid id totally want it too. also starring was this random kid who followed us around the ward and made the darnest comments. it was like we were interviewing him for some tv christmas special 'well christmas to me is... it comes every year, so i just celebrate it lah" and "lets sing something... not too noisy!" LOL all the songs by definition generate -some-noise. and about the ward clerk "let's sing the cashier a christmas carol!" and he laughed at the santa claus when he played wrongly. lolll sho cute.

also did i mention results are out and i got an A :D hehehe how rare this is for me. assuming the a grade is what i think it is. okay wtv i think its a good mark, finito :)

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

chocolatedust

was feeling extremely BLAH this morning when i woke up thinking of the 100 things i have to doo

but then there was this flourless chocolate cake which caused chocolatedust to fly EVERYWHERE. and surrounded by chocolate there is really nothing to do but feel inexplicably HYPER AND HAPPY

*bounces off walls*

okay, i did taste test some of the batter to check it would be yummy. HEHE. some only, really!!

i wuv baking :):)

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

letusjustlove

as a result of some unintelligent choices (did i REALLY have to surf what wiki says about h2g2 books this afternoon?!), i now have 20mins to finish my writeup. this sounds so luxurious except i have been writing it for the past two nights and thus far barely 950 words. and mind you most of the words are headings.

the last writeup i showed my gp and she was like very good! lots of headings! and actually i put them in out of desperation. haha it was quite funny

anyway if i dont finish by midnight & print to let her vet AND writeup all the cases in the logbook for signing, i will be superr sleepy tmr. i need to wake up at 8am to eat bfast/ change etc EVEN THOUGH the place is like 5mins by car from home -_- inefficiency yo. i dunno why either, dont ask me! time and space somehow conflates to make a super near location take a long time to get to

and and the funny thing is i feel like i need more sleep in gp posting? maybe coz we need to stand for 3 hrs and if i fall over and sleep its quite... bad haha. sy and i were mouthing 'i'm sleepy!' 'me too!' to each other which i think the gp heard coz after tt she told every pt 'medical students... i need to ask them qns or they will fall asleep' hahaha. and i think coz i CAN sleep more, i do. so every morning from 8-8.20 is spent catching ineffectual bursts of guilty sleep. anyway i dunno why i am just super sleepy despite the great sleep luxury (as opposed to other postings, not compared to vacationing in the bahamas DUH)

also read some interesting stuff (re: unintelligent choices that results in a rushed job now, compromising LOVELY SLEEP & sanity) that made me think about teh past. haha but i shall refrain from philosophizing abt debate until _______ is over. ps thanks c for the joke, i used it, HAHA.
listening to - a pink's let us just love from the protect the boss ost

anyway edit FINISHED WRITEUP YAY unfortunately it is 1am hello extreme sleepiness later.

editing rights



“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity
i like this editing rights idea. so often we ply God with thousands of prayers, sure, its good to pray, but it doesnt mean that automatically we will get everything all at once like a genie. which is probably better, if you've ever read any genie stories hahah. people's wishes are not wise, oh no.
 
yesterday night was a night of epiphanies. haha. and maybe that needed to be sorted out, before ___________.  the result though was that i was EXTREMELY sleepy today. but it's okay, one doesnt feel so enlightened so often. and tumblr'ed my way through the afternoon. in the end, i got what i wanted, yep :)
i love the daily bread email i get everyday. a reccent one was 'our daily bread- free pizza'. HAHA. i want!! nah it isnt pizza pizza. but today, i feel like i got a slice of free pizza :):) i really do. and the hours spent coming to grips with stuff yesterday, made this all the more sweet.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

of rheumatology & chocolate cake

If I could catch the green lantern of the firefly
I could see to write you a letter.
-- amy lowell

stuck with writeup. although in this instance, its a good excuse not to run. i ran during the weekend and was totally zonked out after. bleh can you say unfit. i shall wake up at 6am to run tomorrow!! *promises self*

360/1500 words. i think i shall go into -extreme- detail about the patient's diet, writing it like a paean to singapore hawker food (not coz the guy is a glutton, i highly doubt so, but cos i HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO WRITE)

char kway teow, nasi
lemak, chicken
rice, ban mian,
.......

i really dont like writeups. i like this poem though.

Others taunt me with having knelt at well-curbs
Always wrong to the light, so never seeing
Deeper down in the well than where the water
Gives me back in a shining surface picture
Me myself in the summer heaven godlike
Looking out of a wreath of fern and cloud puffs.

Once, when trying with chin against a well-curb,
I discerned, as I thought, beyond the picture,
Through the picture, a something white, uncertain,
Something more of the depths—and then I lost it.

Water came to rebuke the too clear water.
One drop fell from a fern, and lo, a ripple
Shook whatever it was lay there at bottom,
Blurred it, blotted it out. What was that whiteness?
Truth? A pebble of quartz? For once, then, something.

- robert frost.

wow no idea what it means but it sounds so pretty. what on EARTH does that allude to and how can such visions have pranced into his mind's eye. like "something is there that doesn't love a wall"
"always wrong to the light, so never seeing"
yeah. tell me 'bout it.

the downside to having sent alot of emails reccently about research/ poem submissions/ thingsingeneral is that i keeeeeep checking my email on my phone. im going to get trigger thumb soon.

yesterday was studying rheumatoid arthritis - the full works, with priscilla's internal medicine, davidsons, uptodate, blablabla. i realised there are 100 things i dont know. like FELTY'S DISEASE. so enlightened now. but i was researching highteas at the same time. it was just so highly incongruous. after looking at millions of pictures of cake i felt super jelat, like i had just eaten a boatload of buttercream, flour and strawberries.

and then i felt the need to run. but fam med makes me super sleepy. maybe im paying for my ENERGISER BUNNY MODE for the last dunno how many months.

or maybe i'm just pathologically lazy and will sleep given any opportunity. yeah, that.

likeadream

one write up, two more morning clinics, and one more set of lectures standing between me and holiday!!

although i have been actually practically on holiday since paeds posting finished ;p except that no holiday involves waking up at 8am as far as i am concerned.

trax's like a dream has pretty lyrics

wordlessly, only

sighs increase
yawns come out from
the obvious expressions


as i walk on the path of time,
the world of you and i which used to shine
become miserable memories and
keeps on faintly erasing

at some point the seasons passed
and time went by
the accustomed two eyes with
no feeling makes me feel so sad
~
on the bright side, prolific mornings thinking of poetry during gp clinic. :)
haha actually i think its pretty awesome that the gp builds relationships so well with her patients. i think the gp im attached to is an extremely good dr both in terms of medicine and in the art of healing & communication. if only i could be as good as talking to people as her! some of her pts literally fly to sg just to see her. there was a funny bit where she was talking to a patient about cny celebrations at their house and i was thinking 'wow how cool, she is so close to her patients!!' then the gp turned to us and said 'oh this is my niece' HAHA.

bleh. writeup.

oh something that occured to me is that in the midst of enjoying life/ making further lists of all the things i wanna do, i realized that it feels really too... indulgent and materialistic. must i really have more dresses and shop at zara/ topshop/ h&m/ river island to be happy? must i really watch a thousand plays and ballets, must i really spend $$ to learn contemp to be happy? well, yes on the plays. HAHA. not sure about the other stuffs. i just think that chasing down every single thing on the wishlist isnt necessary for happiness. its true that getting what you want (in whatever form) is great, but sometimes happiness just is being. but i enjoyed the indulgences of the past few weeks. LOL. and wicked... well if miraculously someone goes with me sureee but i think paying 200 bucks to drag an unwilling family member along is not a good idea hhaha. but but christmas carolling is coming up! and high tea with michellee and lots of people coming back :) this december i can be social haha. THAT part of post-exam i lovee. not so much about the going out part, but more of the People :)

~

i liked the dream. it was one of the best i have ever had. it almost felt real

Sunday, December 11, 2011

I sent off a lot of emails and put plans into action today. It feels great being able to focus and not have the spectre o exams looming overhead constantly. Some plans were old ones, as far back as may this year, which just refuses to come to fruition. Some things i was really excited about. But maybe this diversion is meant to be. I solidified my long simmering urge to try anotherangle, and to try for something else beyond the deadline during church, so hopefully it goes well haha. Lets noot put the discernment spin on that though.. Had a greatt weekend with shopping, playhouse and lunch with nat and sharon!! Hermitry makes socialization all the sweeter:) i loved the world of warcraft bits and the internetstuff was so well done!! M4 play was awesomee too. Who wrote the script such brilliance

Thursday, December 8, 2011

a lost puppy

The crowds overflowing in the golden and silver malls

~
Gp has been pretty nice and slack! Except the writeup but i understand that they need us to do SOME work hahaa. There was a good case as i waited outside to come in at 9am (why is sy always so early??), and after that was all URTI's and seamen having checkups!! Sigh.
And lots of food for thought. Clearly what we think is best in life isnt always best huh? Quite jarring in a sense esp if you consider all the wishes that have been popping up in my brain haha but timely!!

~
But i have to say this. Thank you for believing in me. Really. I will never forget that

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

yeats

let's just quote yeats, and anything i can think of. it makes it easier

"never give all the heart, for love
will hardly seem worth thinking of..."
"for everything that's lovely is
but a brief, dreamy, kind delight"

~
OKAY emo-unanswerable-philosophical mood overr

had a BRILLIANT weekend!!!
high tea yummmm & then a friend's party. had quite a gd chat with miah (on my part, i dunno if he thinks the same, HAHA!!) we were talking about discernment, and something he said really struck me "discernment is usually about something big, not like something like what shall i eat for lunch or shall i drink coca cola" it's SO OBVIOUS but was so striking at that moment. in the time when you are confused about things then everything blurs together and you arent really best placed to judge. but then someone says something which may be v obvious or not really related but somehow is the FINAL PIECE OF THE JIGSAW PUZZLE. it just felt like that. there was more i know this sounds so inconsequentiall but anyway i always enjoy talking about discernment :) so yeah

also caught up with christen and talked to shariff more (he is really v nice!!)

and back to the thoughtfulness bit, i guess i kinda needed it, but ive decided to be 100% positive from now on!! okay finee 99% cos i guess the world doesnt really like negativity nope but it's not just SOCIAL CONVENTION its a firm belief that if you are happy... it just multiplies itself. or something. forgive me, I HAVE ENDLESS WRITEUPS. now on fam med writeup :(:(

but nevermind, had quite a nice time playing comp games + nice mix of social stuffs

i am also still highly confused.
but this i know, trust in the Lord your God with all your heart.

i dont know what will happen,
but i trust him.

because today, was not possible without his grace, and i will not ever forget that.

Friday, December 2, 2011

brownie points

"whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you" John 15:16

PAEDS EOPT IS OVER!!!

... and now i am all alone in science library doing my ethics writeup. like, LITERALLY, there is no one else in the computer room. this is sooo odd. dont science people come to study in the library too?! (i imagine everyone from medicine is either doing writeup/ out celebrating).

but going to lunch w hanyu/ meihua soon. then tonight i'm going to orchard to SHOP and BUY BOOKS. not to sound bimbotic but wearing the same like 10 dresses everyday is boring me out of my mind. and i just saw that wicked is NOT sold out! question is, do i wanna pay 100 dollars for a lousy seat?! hmmmmm difficult difficult. but it's such a great experience, i mean. WICKED. :(

debate trials on the 7th. haha i really spent a long time thinking if i shld join or not. and fbing sean abt it. haha! ultimately i thinkk i will go with a) if i get in
b) if i am projected to get cramps on that day HAHAHA and most imptly but the hardest barometer (yet the easiest, in some ways), if God wants me to do it. its just that that is sensitive but not specific. HAHA. like the TACHYPNOEA FOR PNEUMONIA DFDGHFLGHLFJHGLJXFLH okay moving on.

reflections on paeds

firstly, i had an AWESOME TIME. even though the atmosphere (in the 2nd hosp) is so academic and stressful, i feel like i have learned so much not just in paeds, but in gen med. i like how everything is so specific and we must memorize head circumference, how much it grows each month of life, etc. reminds me of heart of darkness hee. I REALLY love little kids. as i stepped into the lift just now, i saw the cutest looking kid, strapped to his dad in one of those kangaroo looking things, waving his arms and legs. zomg.

even though our tutors could sometimes be very stressful HAHA, on hindsight, the tutorials which we all took turns to do "exam-style long case and short case" were very good practices. because we learnt to clerk blindly and present and answer when we got interrogated. for me, my last long case was really brilliant. in the sense that it was SO complicated, and i was so confused (the mother told me "she has... ACHONDROPLASIA, diagnosed antenatally". btw, i dont think u can dx that antenatally.) and oht really grilled me a lot for it. but magically i managed to come to a conclusion, list all the issues and everything. just really pleased with how neatly it turned out despite the difficulties :):) and that made me realise how impt the stress of performing during tuts is.

i was really self conscious and competitive this posting, to be perfectly honest. i was so scared that i would screw up any chance of me getting in next time. i think its just that, when you are in a place which is calling out to you like a greek siren, when you want it so badly, it really matters to you what you do. i didnt purposely want to be this way, or like it, but i really couldnt help it. and even contacting tutors actually makes me v stressed. HOWEVER i think ultimately i didnt offend any tutors hahaha even tho i think my mini cex arranging is sO not professional - i sat in his clinic, and at the end told him i was to do mini cex with him/ the 2nd time i caught him as he was going home. hahahaha. but once i realized where i stand (not too good, haha!) i sort of gave up expecting anything and just worked harder to fill the holes & ultimately it turned out ok.

i think on the balance, i am definitely better at paeds than anything else. but the problem is, not necessarily better than OTHER PEOPLE at paeds. see what i mean about competitiveness... sigh. residency makes you consider all this stuff so early :(:( i dunch want. i just want to hop and skip and run. that makes me... around 5 years old, according to my DA notes. why is it so hard to be a doctor for kids. why do you have to be so zai in order to see little kids everyday and smile everyday and fix little kids. i really dont know.

as you can see, most of my posting was spent either mugging, portfolio-ing, or trying to crystal-ball my future. most of my kk posting was spent playing with kids. hahaha.

okay DISCERNMENT ASIDE, i also enjoyed meeting new people! cos we're kinda put together with some people from other cgs for some things. got to know s and s little better (s keeps hitting me when i say silly things during clinics etc!! haha i joined her for renal/ child development clinic randomly during outpatients. and also was with her for ward embedding). and s - when we went to cck. its actually pretty nice, cos im not the sort of person to make friends upfront but rather naturally through doing stuff together so yay! more friends = always good.

my tutors i think were v nice!! like literally, they're not people that intimidate you. i think i gave up impressing my main tutor so then i wasnt so scared hahaha but anyway he doesnt tekan me much so it isnt so bad. and mainly he is just thoroughly entertaining. i look forward to being the MO sitting at the computer overhearing his tutorials and hearing him tekan m3 students ;p

so in summary, i plan to make brownies this weekend :) and watch a movie! and annthea's bday tmr! and go to church to thank God & st joseph of cupertino. eopt went good. got 70% :) as my med sch average is usually wayyy below that, all i can say is, this is my answer.

although coz i only got 60++ for my portfolio in nuh, i dont know if ill get A overall. its okay lah. i tried my best, and i got the answer i was looking for. that's enough. :)

NO MORE GUNNER THOUGHTS FOR THE REST OF M3!! YAY! back to lovely slacking off hehe

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

you&i

this is so benjamin button. well clearly not a carbon copy, but the atmosphere/ music/ time travelling. AND THE GOOSE.



spent today at sgh. played with lots of kids, one kid was really the sweetest... EVER. they were discussing his lang delay and he kept talking to me hehe 'BEAR!' 'MIAOW!' 'NO!'. it was just sho cute. i love it when kids go out and wave bye to you (no doubt you gotta shamelessly beg them 'wave bye bye! like this! byeeee! byeee!!' before they actually do it.)

more importantly, identified lots of holes i need to fix. go go power rangerssss

oh yeah our tutor mixed up times (ithink, or forgot about us) so he was like 'nevermind lets meet after the test to go through answers!' -_- haha dont get me wrong, im quite keen, but i dont like discussing answers after testsss.
anyway dont worry i know God really doesnt owe me anything, and like the bridesmaids in the parable who never lighted their oil lamps, we need to be PREPARED. and it is really my own inefficiency as usual that puts me in this situation. which is nothing new, but hey self reflection! good for selfimprovement yo

anyway just as i left saw a case being adm for neonatal jaundice, quite cool to actually see it happening (not cool for the surprised parents). and one other mum actually thanked the dr for her gd explaination of physiological jaundice. one of those 'knowledge actually makes a difference in people's lives & helps them!!' moments. and the longterm followup of ex-premies yeahh

lovesong

BIG BANG WON BEST MUSIC VIDEO FOR THE MNET AWARDS! held in singapore! *happy dance* that just made my studying-neonatology-at-midnight that much happier

no actually i really like neonatology. if i were any better at doing moro's reflex, i would sign up to be a neonatologist in a heartbeat. paeds surg, i have realised, is NOT my cup of tea. thank goodness i never started any surg projects. i had the most difficult time staying awake in paeds surg lectures in the other hosp, it was like secondary school physics all over again

today is a rather happy day! mcqs + good company + tutorial cancelled and can go home early HAHA. met sandesh/ rachel when printing stuff, and met a senior i really respect very much & who i remember as being one of the warmest friendliest people around! maybe it was chv or something i dont really know how we know each other that well haha but yay it was really v nice

these two occurances made me understand the Plan once again. i really wouldnt have it any other way, you know. okay. i can think of some better, less complicated ways. but this one turned out so well. really thank God.

cms peeps - altho i dont talk to them often since clinical years started, i think same as how anyone you break bread with you form bonds with, definitely those you pray with, you will. and christmas carol with. haha. and they're literally God-given friends. it's different from pccf, sure, but different good.

L - im glad that i have 2x more friends (or maybe 4x? or maybe the overlaps cancel out... haha) as we discussed! but more importantly, its not the number but the PEOPLE. like i met michelle chng the other day in the lounge haha i rmb when i met her by chance outside lt29 lastyr it was like *cue longlost friend hugging*. indeeed it was. so hm even though i dont really keep in touch with those people, i can still feel their genuine warmth & loveliness when i meet them after so long. haha. it's pretty awesome.

edit: i met fen in sgh on my way to the library and then spent like my lunch break gossiping about the usual stuff - postings, tutors, residency, sip, selectives, electives... hahaha. twas nice! it was pretty cool thinking about how far ive come since p4 & we were all doing all those random gep projects & putting up plays etc hahahah

Monday, November 28, 2011

footprints

i am so not studying for mcq. ZOMGGGGG. will someone please save me from myself?!

just now my friend was filling up a form or something (i think?!)
"discipline? none"

HAHAHA

i thought it was hilarious. now i see, IT APPLIES TO ME TOO

a lot of thoughts, distilled into these
1) that time God really led me to do it
2) this time?!
3) i should really be more mature & not just randomly go with my desires/ feelings/ what i -think- God is saying hai sometimes it is so obvious sometimes it is really so like eh am i looking into a crystal ball or is it really

i'm just looking for hope & peace. which option lets me find it?

cowardly shirking or WISELY REFRAINING, which is it?
compared to this, i feel 100x more sure & at peace with paeds. so maybe the outcome of this, isnt that impt. but whenever i think of not doing it, i feel like im running away. i dont know from WHAT. hahaha i may not even get picked so wait & see!

it's been an interesting evening contemplating God's plans & my methods of discernment (not very good)

Sunday, November 27, 2011

the oft-quoted


this picture from tea& cookies makes me think: life is awesome

"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"
isaiah 40:31

"we are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair"
2 corinthians 4:8

i think of you again at the sound of rain



so apt! C.N blue's love in the rain. and it is raining now. haha

*supposed* to be mugging for paeds mcq right now though so i didnt read through the eng subs, not representative of my train of thought! lol

right now all i am thinking is "i want to go to disneyland" SIGH. really really sian of studying. i AM interested in the subject matter just thoroughly burnt out & wanting a holiday. ONE MORE WEEK!! fam med better really be a holiday or there is gonna be a whole lot of dissappointed pple
How can anyone be so perfect

Saturday, November 26, 2011

winter rose

song of teh day


funny stuff!
*cg mates complaining about how the seat i picked is directly under the sun & too hot*
me: oh nevermind, at least we wont get vitamin C deficiency!!

yes, yes, i know, no need to rub it in...

during portfolio
tutor: so what are the phenotypes of asthma?
my friend: viral induced, exercise induced.... *long pause in which i try to surrepitiously whisper stuff to him* and the unknown type, where we don't know what it is

and THE BEST, LIKE EVER
me: hey where are you guys now?
c: oh we're just showing dr rajeev some magic tricks
me: .... okayyy

so the trick he showed is the one where u write down a capital city and think of it really hard and c tells you what city ur thinking of

next day
c: you know, just now i went to ask dr rajeev a qn abt a patient, and he looked at me and said "i'm thinking of the answer right now, can you tell me what it is?"

HAHAHAHA
the conclusion is, i think c needs to do more magic tricks to brighten up our lives. the making a rasin dissappear during developmental assessment of a 2 yo kid was pretty awesome too. unfortunately as our professor was playing peek a boo behind him at that moment, he missed the cool show of magic. hahaha.

chua chu kang polyclinic well baby assessment was pretty fun! i was kinda dreading it cos i was sooo tired and it is soo far but my DA has improved lots since then!! yay yay. the dr running it was very good also, and clearly very old & senior. like all our profs are his juniors/ housemen!!

and was discussing paeds with shariff on the mrt back, it was v encouraging

Also yeah i guess good marks are the icing on the cake
and yeah, i'm also obsessed with cake icing & frosting ;p so, that's me. hehe.

thank you God for two rather good assessments, let me trust in you for the portfolio :)

see, at the end of this posting, i was going to decide my entire life
i have decided the following
1) no, i dont really need to decide now
2) its when no matter what you still wanna do it, that you should

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

2/3 down!!

All i have to do is summarise scientific literature on dka and charm my printer and im done!!!
It all seems sooo far awayy
Midnight, i can do this! At least i dont have to go for prerounds and present anyone tmr =p but i enjoyed knowing all the good cases 1st, tracing blood results and going to watch the renal ultrasound. Mainly cos my male classmate was dancing and bouncing around with a flashing pink heart to distract the kid. He was pretty awesome even just singing the alphabet song too! Wow u shoulda seen the kids fascinated face. That guy is Amazing
(and it was hilarious too hehe)

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

mini-cex = truly a miracle. as in, the miracle occured that it was allright, not the type of miracle where i need to be rescued from the grand mess i made. although i havent figured out if maybe the mess was meant to be, the other time. i think basically i clearly know what i am deficient in (cough physical examination) and i should totally fix it.... sometime. i highly doubt i can fix it in the next 2 weeks in this thoroughly overclerked place :(:(

and um, knowledge, and BRAIN POWER. that one, fixability varies

nevertheless, i am very grateful

unfortunately, half of this 4 weeks' marks also depends on PORTFOLIO

all my cases are common cases, but ATYPICAL, making finding guidelines horrible.
but usually, hard work doesnt deter me. some dramas to cheer myself up, food (i had a brownie just now hehe) and thoughts of long runs usually do the trick

but something i find i can't work through is PHYSICAL PAIN
which makes me emphathise muchly with patients. so okay, plus point

minus point is i have this freaking headache which makes me unable to do anything now but sleep. so i only have tomorrow night to finish this portfolio. do-able but i doubt it'll be a ball of a time

oh sorry, i meant the TWO portfolios
i would bang my head against the wall but that might increase the pain.

worst thing is, ive been sitting here since 6pm trying to work, but the thing just doesnt go away. i havent even been slacking off or sleeping or anything. oh i ran for 50 minutes which possibly made it worse YAY GOOD ONE

i sincerely hope this goes away tomorrow, where i have to finish the entire unfinished ward embedding form urghhhh

okay happy stuff
this v cute boy in the ward who is clearly recovering is SO HAPPY and was sad that my friends were having tutorial and couldnt play with him. SO CUTEE. so then he got them to play card games with him after. hardened, stressed out medical students! truly amazing sight. then then my friend won the game, so he went to his cupboard, and PRESENTED HIM WITH A CHOCOLATE EGG. omg. sweetness overload. really touching moment, even though the chocolate didnt go to me. i think the best is how he was doing percussion on his penguin when i passed by him in the ward the other day

TO DO
wednesday
1. present at ward rounds
2. follow a patient off somewhere to watch a scan or sth being done
3. watch a ho take blood or something
4. GET FORM SIGNED OFF
5. rush home and rush portfolio (please God, no more headache, or ANY sort of physical pain! even hard work looks good now. on that note, please let me not catch any of the random viruses all the little kids are carrying. i do like kids and i do like learning about their diseases but i really am not too enamoured with the idea of catching transmissible diseases. infact my medstudentitis makes me POSITIVELY paranoid like when i had headache and vomiting during my GE episode i thought it might be raised ICP)
6. PRINT PORTFOLIO
7. do emergency simulation thingy thingy

thursday
1. hand up portfolio
2. REJOICE

friday
1. go to chua chu kang for gen paeds clinic (sigh. so far)
2. REJOICE REJOICE REJOICE
3. oh wait, portfolio review

weekend
REALLY REJOICE

week after
1. lock self in library and do mcqs

so fun

after that, teas/lunches/ plays, etc YAY. it all seems so faaar away

Monday, November 21, 2011

i am a child of the promise

From 'Identity in Christ'

"I've been given great promises":

by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. (2 Peter 1 : 4)

"The Good Shepherd":

14 `I am the good shepherd, the one who really cares for the sheep. I know my sheep and my sheep know me.
15 So my Father knows me and I know him. I am willing to die to save the sheep.
16 `I have some other sheep which are not with these sheep. I must bring them also. They will listen to my voice. (John 10 : 14-16)

Saturday, November 19, 2011

the glacial stairway

be it writeup or whatever, something about today makes me obsessed with lyricism, with re-writing, with beauty

about how it is freezing inside and suntan worthy outside

this review of a new collection is one of the prettiest paeans i ever heard. and the lines themselves justify the equally elegiac love poetry to the poetry

and yes, i know, i should be analysing electrolytes

imbalance, is all it is

"an impressive collection from a sculptor of light" i want to sculpt light, too. "Unsustainable light, discontinuous song, unpayable debt"
"couplets that shine like desert sun on barbed wire". tuscany poetry? count me in. "luxuriously empty air" Paradisal sight, which extends to infinity, / Arcades, stars, shadows, the eyes staring through us.

on the pyrenees, the poet writes
forward and upwards to life on the crystal blocks!
the skies here are never less than total

shampoo

THE SHAMPOO Elizabeth Bishop

The still explosions on the rocks,
the lichens, grow
by spreading, gray, concentric shocks.
They have arranged
to meet the rings around the moon, although
within our memories they have not changed.

And since the heavens will attend
as long on us,
you've been, dear friend,
precipitate and pragmatical;
and look what happens. For Time is
nothing if not amenable.

The shooting stars in your black hair
in bright formation
are flocking where,
so straight, so soon?
-- Come, let me wash it in this big tin basin,
battered and shiny like the moon.

~
actually, i have no idea what it means
but it's pretty
poetry is free therapy for the neurones

eating the salmon of knowledge from tins

poem for a birthday
by Douglas Dunn

I still can't get over that lousy conjurer,
All thirty quids' worth of rank incompetence.
It wasn't yesterday. Eleven years since,
Almost to the hour. That slipshod sorcerer,

Butter-fingered wizard … Remember, when
No kids applauded as each trick misfired,
And he didn't notice? Then did it again,
Again, and laughed it off, tittered, perspired,

Wiping his brow, until his grand finale
When the white rabbit shat on his shaking hand,
And made a break for it? Don't shillyshally,
Bunny-boy. Run for it. We'll understand.

You deserve a magician. We all do.
And that fake pencil-line moustache, which fell off?
Don't be like him. Just you be true to you.
Do what you do, my son. It'll be enough.

~
never has there been such a brilliance of unmagical magic. it is in the negative space, that the chair-legs take form

"Had I not been awake I would have missed it"

i love this line "you deserve a magician. we all do"

and no i am not referring to the two i know ;p everyone needs everyday magic, i think
some spark, somewhere

some password that goes through when you wait long enough
the locked doors that open through wishing and waiting

lean forward and put a finger/on where you think the dream is - my life asleep, jo shapcott

what is poetry but little fragments of happiness - not complete tomes, but little shards. when dreams splinter, you knit them together. when the crystal ball is pawned to the local jeweller, you need a new method of fortune-telling

a new mythology

greece falls, you need to find new gods

(yes there is only one God, i am well aware)
but you say this with your mouth and you well know that you worship so many other things
why bother giving up your life for this
poetry requires no sacrifice
the words fall at your feet like sparks from firewood
arcing through the air
free birds

i only watch reruns now
or films about geese,
and yet i'm waiting for the miracle
i used to find in early black and white

- john burnside, late show

i guess this entry is a homage to the rainbow of poetry that makes me happy on this sunny saturday morning
i feel like reading larkin

Friday, November 18, 2011

moon that embraces the sun

wow really sian ++

in lounge doing writeup. fair call last night i guess, 1 respi 1 endo 1 neuro case. there's a neuro case i could clerk later. just the general inertia of sitting in front of a computer i guess

memorable things about call
the pts mum was annoyed that the drs kept calling the FRIENDS to ask abt the nature of the attack "its unacceptable!" she said, but doesnt mind us bugging the patient/ herself/ family members. quite amused by that. how easily annoyed can eleven year old boys get & what ramifications does that have on life the universe & everything?

the multiple waits outside the icu door for people to open it for us. a good exercise in faith as our belief was usually rewarded

~

reading play reviews as usual, interval drinks is so beautifully written, i dont even have to watch the play, the review itself is so effervescent and illuminating, it has the ability to light up the dark corner of boredom in the most hardened post-call person

an except (or you can check out www.intervaldrinks.blogspot.com)
"But by rooting it so firmly in time, the light that shines around the edges of the text is dulled. The play becomes a fixed, rigid thing rather than something questing and illuminating.."

"The stagecraft is impressive, blending elements of clowning and physical theatre with puppetry, and there is something particularly satisfying in the way they utilise every prop to create a recognisable world: a balloon and a piece of fabric become a small child, a coat-stand becomes a dashing young suitor, a picnic blanket and a straw hat create a fleeting yet idyllic afternoon in the sun. But while these shards of memory, these glimpses into the past, are often genuinely moving, in the favouring of the archetypal over the specific, the production is self-limiting. Mrs Benjamin, the woman who is both the absence and the presence at the centre of the piece, is not so much an individual as a portrait of every aging person whose sun-flecked past has faded to grey."

"The performers spend a very long time establishing that it is the house itself that is telling the story: so we see the floor getting overexcited at the memory of the hoover, while the chimney alternates between soot-clogged coughing and minor flirtations with the front row."

i like the bit about the chimney. HAHAHA. and the over-excited floor.

well i suppose, on the balance, it's mostly cos when you really seriously consider something, you think more seriously about the ramifications of everything. i never considered internal medicine in ttsh before going there, so i really cant be bothered what they thought of me. but i do think that our cardio tutor was the most unassuming, enthusiastic, kind and friendly fellow ever. hello he wishes us happy birthdays on fb and reads my poems! wow. and he was for ever contacting us for tutorials at random times of the day. our neuro tutor has actually won a best tutor award so yeah selfexplainatory. even though we didnt see him super a lot, he was clearly always bursting with love for teaching/ neuro, and clearly is extremely pro at what he does. and the ward reg who was only in my ward for 3 days really went over and above with giving us so many mini-cexes and good feedback. i wonder when medicine results are coming out, i hope i do deccently hahah

but yeah, reccently, just been really stressed because i feel like everything i do, can have so many consequences. and i feel like i have not evolved enough to deal with human beings in a professional manner. i feel like i dont have enough knowledge & i dont know how to fix it. sigh. but somehow sometimes it's allright. i dont know if it's completely ALL allright, yet, i guess that's something to reflect on at the end of the posting. i just realise that i dont deal with things in a coolly detached, professional enough manner as i would like to, and when i try to do so, i find that i have no reserves/ experience/ inner ability to do so. it's like trying rock-climbing for the first time. which is pretty disturbing

but equinamity comes with ability i guess, false confidence is of absolutely no use nor benefit

okay going to finish up writeup, try to do some ward stuffs, clerk a nephrotic syndrome & buy banana cake from bengawan solo. MY NEWEST OBSESSION!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

a poem a day

Wow life is getting hectic, and lots to think about. Am i suited for this? Who knows! Haha. I cant really stretch myself further even though i can see the improvements to be made. Strange feeling... I sometimes feel like giving up but then i feel unease soo i guess its not meant to be fortunetelling, this. Im just glad to have sth to aspire to and to motivate me, what is life without dreams yea?

Pluses
- unexpectedly enthused and energetic tutors that bring life to a dull sleepy day haha i really enjoyed today's tut!!
- the little girl who when asked abt her meds, said "im scared u wont understand!" me "HAHA dont worry im sure ill understand a few!!" she starts naming and... I rly dunno haaha
then later when clerking the next pt "tugtug" *why are u the only one sitting down!* to guansen "u shld sit down too! My mummy says its bad for posture!
Then she sat chatting to us, swinging her legs and holding a teddy bear
wow saccharine overdose. Hee
- today doing pe, thought the kid said painful but actually he was asking if i have facebook!
- cg mate just before starting examination, leaves the room muttering "i need to get my alcohol!"
LOL he meant handrub
- waiting til 7+ for a pt, and after dinner they escaped from me!! I find it quite funny actually heh
esp since.. I want to observe the gait, so if he keeps walking back & forth.. But i wld have loved to talk to him, looks like sucha sweet lil boy

minuses

- my chronic irresponsibility, inability to plan or think logically

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

on eagles wings

"you did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you"
John 15:16

comforting words yo

and some slightly less comforting ones, reminding one that it isn't exactly a free lunch; you gotta sing for your supper

"stay dressed for action and keep your lamps burning, and be like men who are waiting for their master to come home from the wedding feast, so that they may open to door to him at once when he comes and knocks. Blessed are those servants whom the master finds awake when he comes"
Luke 12:35-37

PHAIL, UTTER PHAIL. on the bright side i dont think being unprepared for an exam equates to being spiritually unprepared. i just happen to be equally inept in both reams, is all.

and finally
"He said to them 'Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there', and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you'"
matthew 17:20

~

kk paeds is OVER!! i really enjoy the part where, we clear out our lockers, hand up all the forms & attendance sheets & cards, and walk out freely of the hospital, knowing there is nothing pressing to do the next day. it's like my cg mate said, in UTTER JOY after gen med; LOOK THERE IS NOTHING ON MY PHONE CALENDAR!! yeahhh man tell me about it!

but, i guess i feel rather unfinished here. i could definitely work there, it's a rather nice place. i like all the kiddy decorations everywhere; bright colors; goodness, i like all the kids! let's face it, we all know med school can definitely get tiring/ depressing/ dull. doing the same thing everyday, trawling the wards only to come up with asthma, runny nose... blahblah... it's not really exciting, even for the most hard-core-paeds-gunner. which i ASPIRE to be, but not sure if i succeeded ;p

but THE KIDS. the cute chubby things toddling around everywhere, being bounced in their parents' arms, smiling and waving and vocalizing. it's just SO FREAKING CUTE. they never fail to make my day, even on the worst days. you know some of these kids, have really ugh diseases, but even so, some of them are so uncomphrehensive, at one month old etc, just lying on their backs, now smiling now crying, appeased by angry birds and teddy bears

i dont think i can ever fully put into words the magic of hanging around small children, or how much i enjoy it, and how much i really want to do it forever. as i dissolved slowly during my exam, this seemed all to float away in lord of the rings smoke rings; i tried to grab it back, gollum-style... i dont know if i succeeded. who knows.

to summarize: the highlight of this four weeks is NOT waking up everyday at freaking 630am. it's the chance to learn how to play with kids, which i have actually never done EVER in my life.

i think it's been a bit thin on the actual medical knowledge to be perfectly honest, which is something i regret. on one hand, it's not my fault my tutors kept going on leave & portfolio, etc etc, not counting portfolio week & nuhs lectures week we did technically have 3/week HAHAHA and if you count paeds surg + neonatology i'm good. but if you dont then ARGH I AM SO SORRY GUYS. trust me that i feel it just as keenly, if not perhaps, 100x more keenly than you guys do.

so clearly, i have lots to do in the next 3.5 weeks
yeahh! bring it on.

Monday, November 7, 2011

big bang!!

*notice, fangirling up ahead*

Big Bang just won worldwide act for the MTV EMA awards!!! OMG OMG. I didn't even vote for them, haha oops. I know this sounds dotty & usually I'm not actually a rabid fangirl, I just appreciate nice music (have you ever heard tonight by Big Bang? It is THE WORKS), but when I watched the video of Tonight blaring through the speakers at the MTV EMA awards, and the five of them leaping out of their seats, high-fiving everyone in sight, it was truly BLISS. It's like supporting a sport team I guess. When they lose *cough gd smoking weed* you feel bummed, when they win it's joy and celebrations!!

No really, I haven't seen them look so enthusiastic and blissfully joyful about anything for quite awhile now. So YAY!! No matter what happens, they won a MTV award!! Haha im trying to temper this to sound less fangirl so it sounds oddly rational

YAY YAY YAY I LOVE BIG BANG!! sarangheyo oppa~ :):)


just to share a great video

THEIR DANCING. zomg

wonder world

WONDER GIRLS ARE BAAACK!

the people responsible for inducting me into k-pop, and thereby giving me HOURS of happiness, increased productivity, joy, running, etc...

seriously, sometimes i think the greatest joy in life is to run out at 630am with your ipod and feel completely invincible

haha. nah, there are greater joys. but that particular one is pretty awesome.



on an unrelated note

i didnt know it was this possible to want something so badly... which is something indeed, coming from me. will it, will it not, will it, will it not....what i am just amazed about is that i keep doing silly stuff and still the doors have not closed. wow. that in itself, is something to be amazed about. i would give it all up to God as usual if i were a better human being. i hardly think i can expect anything from the universe, i dont even earn my keep by being a worthy human being and SAVING LIVES or whatever. long long way to go

maybe the point is to make me really want it

(uh... i have wanted many things in the past. i dont think it works like that)

today's sermon/ gospel was about the bridesmaids who fell asleep/ didn't bring enough oil. to cut a long story short, when they finally proccured the oil, the groom (ie Jesus) locked the doors & said he did not know them. the (bigger) moral of the story: we don't know the hour or day He will come

the smaller(?) moral: BE PREPARED

goodness i was STRONGLY reminded of my mini-cex which i was really highly unprepared for in every single sense of the word. & rushing there, without half my equipment, without the form even. gah gah gah. it's all material stuff, i know, doesnt count, small percentage etc... all that is not relevant. what gets me is that i was unprepared. and that really freaks me out

that said, being a slave to the material desires of this world (visions of dresses, bags, holidays to dream locales, indulging in endless movies and music) oh goodness i feel like going to a cave now. anyway even after chasing the papers and things... even if i manage to be prepared enough for the challenges of the secular world, i am so NOT prepared for that of the endtimes.

so the being chronically unprepared, chronically taking odd ways to do things, that really freaks me out SO much. i dont think there is a second chance, when it comes to eternal life. we just have to live our lives properly NOW.

religious musings aside,

i am SO BAD at learning my lesson. how many times must i shoot myself in the feet before i realise. gah

note to whoever might read this: this isnt angst! haha just trying to figure Life out. and CATHARSIS YO

Saturday, November 5, 2011

thoughts on an imperfect science

i feel really random today, so:

A Young Poet
by Jane Miller

For begging beauty
one can hardly blame the artist

sleeping like butter in the sun
taking no action for action

some prefer being a yellow rose petal
I learned when I traveled

the young poet saying a prayer
is a form of panic


~

Whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst. —John 4:14

The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly, but the mouth of fools pours forth foolishness. —Proverbs 15:2

must. stop. saying. stupid. things

~

also i really feel like reading an atul gawande book. if only it would drop from the sky now. except as they are currently doing something to the ceiling above my room i better not talk about anything dropping from anywhere

sometimes it is like ohh so sleepy so inadequate so stupid then i read long epistles of people trying to get even a semblance of what i have, not even material things in life but even just... medical school & i think that fine so i am nowhere near the bastions of excellence but IT DOESNT REALLY MATTER. pass = mbbs right

~

about my mini-cex i think probably i shouldnt detail until the marks are out hahaha it might sound too alarming or something. basically, i learnt a great deal, that would have been catastrophic if i went into the year-end exams not knowing. and that the term "a series of unfortunate events", which can easily be applied to many of the days in my life, is PERFECTLY SUITED for it.

maybe i shouldn't have brought those stickers. i LITERALLY had butterflies the whole day there, and RIGHTLY SO. to add insult to injury, the little girl kept taking all my stickers, so i stood there watching butterflies and hearts fly out of my posssession, feeling like my marks & my confidence were following the same path too. but i have to say, the patient & her mum were SUPER DUPER NICE. i couldnt have asked for a nicer, better patient experience. the con was like "you guys are experts already!" coz people keep going to them for mini-cex and the mum was like "oh no, no, i couldnt have done it as well as she did!" well considering that the consultant head-desked or rather, head-bedded quite a few times, i highly doubt anyone would consider it GOOD, so the mum must really be a thoroughly positive and optimistic and extremely nice person.

also i really feel like running another marathon to get rid of internal medicine + peds weight gain, but if i run it -just- after paeds eopt i might actually apoptosize hahahha

finally

im beginning to think that love means nothing to me. its just now something i can give freely like a commodity or something. its really disturbing. either i just have too much love to spread around, or really i have none at all and imma cold-hearteddd person yea unfortunately i think thats it. boo.

oh and
i'm glad i went for all saints day. goodness knows, i have a mountain of debt to pay back in gratitude & thousands more prayers in the making

paeds in a new hospital next week: may i not screw up, and may i ORGANIZE MORE TUTORIALS FOR MY GROUP. crap. currently we literally know NOTHING.

Friday, November 4, 2011

tomorrow

There’s no no tomorrow
I’m stopped still from that time, that place
It’s the last, lingering moment
Although for you, it was just a passing day

Til you come back, everyday is yesterday



love taeyang's dancing! although random jazzy moves in the desert are... quite odd. speaking of that, jazz on monday! yay for public holidays.

a random reflection thus far:
ortho
i actually really enjoyed my time in ortho, possibly because of the honeymoon period in cgh hahaha. that said my cgh tutor was actually very good and we must have done the knee physical exam like hundreds of time for him during clinic. there's something quite cool and camaraderie-ish about the entire department having to report for the 7am morning rounds in the seminar room, with the HOs stressed out and presenting cases, with the hierachy of sitting position and the consultants publically grilling people on random questions. it's kinda what i always imagined medicine to be like, so it was pretty awesome. i don't think i've ever experienced that in any other posting to date!

and i think my whole cg knows exactly WHAT i miss about cgh ;p and no, it is nottt mr bean. we also got to try out the whole gowning-up for theatre thing at our leisure, which was good, although not so when we inadvertently went out of the sterile area once and had to re-gown hahaha. the indian dude chinmaya made friends with for the spine tutorial was AWESOME too hoho

nuh ortho! i arrive to find that both my tutors are in MAURITIUS. correction, one is still there, and the other picks up my call when in transit. actually i cant remember much about nuh ortho, except i felt that ortho surgeons really do love their job as evidenced by their collective enthusiasm at cool cases. and that one tutor scolded me for not asking enough questions and another told me "stop asking questions for the sake of asking them!!" hahaha. and somehow i feel that on the scale of surgeons, ortho surgeons are actually nicer than general surgeons. also, SCRUBBING IN AND ASSISTING WITH SURGERY when the mo felt faint and fled. SO EPIC. and then cake after that with the consultant and reg.

and the most epic thing about nuh ortho was doing the debate, i think it sort of only hit me the NIGHT BEFORE THE MCQ, doing thousands of mcqs, that i maybe should have studied harderrr. i guess if i had done one or the other, i could have done better in either, and starting internal medicine right after that weekend was TORTURE hahaha.

despite that: ortho still went okay! one mark shy of an A :D well assuming an A is what i think it is. i'll take what i can get! despite prof aziz throwing everything on the table and shouting at me "how can you be so stupid!" and not asking red flags for spine history taking long case, and not to mention the fire alarm halfway through the theory paper -_- i vividly remember writing neurofibromatosis as the thing started going off.

anyway good times! i dont have any major regrets other than the severe time crunch due to too many obligations towards the end, but it made me prioritise my time better! will reflect on the gen med posting... at some other time :)

Wednesday, November 2, 2011


:)

maybe not everything needs to be explained
you shouldn't have smiled at me that night, you really shouldnt. you should have just walked past as usual like a ship passing in the night

Sunday, October 30, 2011

go away

dyspepsia + myalgia + fatigue for 3 days = ???

hate this :( also some things have THOROUGHLY thrown my schedule out of whack.

however, this is officially the maddest thing ever :D

Thursday, October 27, 2011

friday friday!

Quotes:
"eh my patients dad is really angry his kid got dengue. He wants to know the name of the mosquito"
"isnt it... aedes egypti?"
"OHhhh u mean, not the personal name of the mosquito?"

Hahahah
Something happened which reminded me so irrevocably of you

actually, lots of things do. Just whether i choose to think of it or not
usually i don't

so i just laughed cos im so happy that i dont fall intothe same cropcircles

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

this is just to say

This Is Just To Say
by William Carlos Williams


I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold


ps william carlos williams was a paediatrician. inspiring indeed. sometimes you just need this kinda stuff to keep you on the road. like when you are sleepy and there is portfolio...

BUT enough of all the usual programming. i'm 22! i didnt really notice since it's been like GOING BACK TO KINDERGARTEN heh.
happy +++

hm im not sure if fb msges really mean much to people coz sometimes i know, me also, i just see the notification then i just automatically go and type a msg to the person. BUT to me, this round the msges really meant a lot. because every single one meant to me, a new friend, or a really loyal, cherished old friend. a really difficult portfolio has made me unable to finish replying yet, but it was v heartwarming.

people like MICHELLE, MANYUN, SHARON etc still ooze such warmth in their tone when wishing me, who is like the MOST RECALCITRANT, most-likely-to-back-out of mad schemes friend ever. or like whose skype randomly dies during exciting gossip (that part is soo not my fault though. i must have rebooted my comp like ten times.) i really. wow. i can't believe God has given me such great friends for so long. and yea i totally know that with me being me, i coulda lost them at any time. THANK YOU SO MUCH GUYS FOR STICKING WITH ME. much love.

my cg for THOROUGHLY SURPRISING ME <3

people i have known for 3 yrs plus, and who honestly, i may never see again, but who take the effort to write something heartfelt... guys, it really makes it worthwhile to know that in that time, i have done something WORTHWHILE with my life. i have made some connections that, at least in the past year, has not COMPLETELY eroded yet. i dont honestly regret anything anymore (i am sorry) but trust me when i say, i did spend quite some time remembering the past. because i feel it is just PHILOSOPHICALLY WRONG to forget so fast. its kinda sad really, cos it shows human nature in such great clarity. but you know the YUAN QING BU RU JING LING proverb. so so true. God gives and takes away eh?

some people like HL and IVY who are (by nature of the forces of... LIFE), always around, i really feel so happy to bump into you guys randomly in nuh. i'm so glad that due to fortuitious circumstances we still see each other often. it reminds me of such happy times during cell :) ok i dont see them THAT often, but randomly yes. hahaha. i always see HL in the nuh kopitiam though!

to every single person in nus med who has made me so much significantly happier in this year than i was last year, i am really very fortunate to have met you guys. like i said, i know its just a dropped one-liner that i am guilty of as well haha but it just somehow, felt so significant to me. like a physical reminder of a new friend made, someone who i would have just walked past in the lt one year ago but who now i would chat with at at lockers, talk to during combined lectures, etc. of course, i really dont know that many people in my class hahaha but then ehhh who does the class is so big la.

and of course as ever, thank God :)
now all i need to do is try my best to do what i must well. it's difficult but... if it be God's will, i know i will get it. i dont dare to think of anything else. i suppose if i dont get it i can try a&e, or something. but for the meantime, try.

and most of all, thank God that i am good with kids. i think if after all that wishing i was lousy and kids all didnt like me it woulda been ughh. but luckily, quite the reverse! especially really small babies who dunno anything. hahahaha. the moro reflex is so adorable. or maybe the sucking & rooting. ahh i can't choose!

Sunday, October 23, 2011

alligator sky

Dear God, I was terribly lost,
When the galaxies crossed,
And the Sun went dark.
Dear God, You're the only North Star,
I would follow this far.

Oh telescope, keep an eye on my only hope,
Lest I blink and be swept off the narrow road.

Hercules, you've got nothing to say to me,
'Cause you're not the blinding light that I need.

For He is the saving grace of the Galaxies!
He is the saving grace of the Galaxies

- owl city, galaxies

going back at 5pm is really the most painful thing on earth. i met the nice HO who showed us the v good case the other day, then had to suffer the steady stream of medical students trying to look at the case notes. although probably the one who suffered most was the deluged kid. i asked him "is it a lot of people keep coming to talk to you?" *nod nod* i gave him a sticker, and he took it like he was doing me a favor. LOL. haha i actually heard the ho chatting to his friend on friday afternoon (as hanyu and i hogged the casenotes like parasites) "and if you want to be a medical student, you should go feel the _______" anyway so when he saw me he almost apoptosized that i was there on sat evening HAHAHA then started angsting "it's saturday, i'm on call, and im depressed!!" and gave me a good case. YAY. unfortunately it was really awkward as the regs were literally writing in the case notes, so it's quite difficult to peer over their shoulders

wow my life is so happening isnt it. ON A BRIGHTER NOTE, i cant go out for exciting celebrations but baking will commence :D

but honestly, doing kk peds during my bday is the BEST PRESENT EVER. :):)

Saturday, October 22, 2011

mystery train

just realized i have go back tomorrow morning to find out some details about my case writeups -_- i had such grand plans for the weekend!! okay fine not -reaally- but certainly cooler stuff than going back on sat. and i hate going back and asking people questions -_- the good thing is my case write up patients are all like primary school aged and i can take history from them, as opposed to like a one month baby. but then im TOTALLY stumped for DA. it's like you dont talk about ADLs for a 30 year old, im guessing you dont say "this is a 12 year old who can draw a straight line, fix and follow, climb stairs..." unless there is related pathology la

but anyway thank goodness they are v nice people! although what do teenage boys like. probably not stickers right. football??! mc donalds?!

on the bright side, i love mystery train's new song. even though i have no idea who they are

i was allright until last night when you walked into my dreams

Friday, October 21, 2011

balloon

no of case writeups done = 0
no of kids i have branded with frog/ balloon stickers = infinity
no of kids who i have lost entire sheets of stickers to = 2
no of kids with kawasaki's disease = 3 (and i thought it was supposed to be rare?!)
no of times i have gotten lost in the hospital = every single day
how long it takes on average for someone to get from the 6th floor lockers to the 6th floor wards in the next tower = 30 minutes

number of times i have run in the past week = ONE ><

no of cases that have broken my heart thus far = two

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

ecclesiastes

He has made everything beautiful in its time. ecclesiastes 3:11
~

cant help but wonder sometimes, is it that some things are not planned, or that i am just messing up God's plan?!.

so many things, i dont think i coulda done it any other way. for all the good things i've accidentally done, i am heartily grateful.

there were one or two things that unexpectedly went a little off-track yesterday, when i thought i'd got it all down pat. it all happened so fast, and weirdly and argh i am just best at this kinda thing really. but then logistics-wise,today has been really good. i did all the stuff i want to do, plus managed to have a nap in the middle of the day ;p all greatly helped by ending at 1pm due to the cancelled paeds surg lecture hehehe

haish. but i still cant beat myself up about doing some stuff. i suppose it's just... a me thing to do. but i usually can leave a good impression on people for at least a year at a go, i dont usually do weird stuff early on in my accquaintances ARGHH okay nevermind, never mind. God turns all things to good! how he will do this is totally beyond me! and if he's to turn anything to good i vote for my impending mini-cex on a neonate instead hahaha.

maybe life just really is what you make of it

to think of fate, and what you missed out on by your own stupidity is too depressing really. just failing to do something is just barely acceptable, messing up teh PLAN is infinitely worse.

here end random thoughts, for we have FOUR 2 HR LECTURES TOMORROW. very soul-sucking ones where they make you do mcqs and TRACK YOUR SCORES. and CALL YOU UP IF YOU DONT DO WELL. oh goodness. guess no one's going to be nominating me as a good student in this posting anytime soon. (not like that ever happens). but better to do mcqs made by the professor than dubious ones from noobmed.com or some weird website or other, the night before the exam!

iheartthis

this morning i stumbled into some stranger than usual wards to talk to patients. i realized that the wonderland atmosphere of 62 is not quite the same everywhere. but strangely enough, it doesn't deter me. it challenges me to make myself a better person

the people i met were understandably stressed, harried, etc, but they were very kind & actually wished us well as we left, despite my clear noobness:

in a few years time i hope then i can do something rather than just offer stickers & listen.

sometimes book learning/ rote-clerking is good, to add on to your store of head knowledge. it was, what people would call, a "good case". but thinking of it in that way really makes me feel subhuman.

hai there is more i would like to say, but i dont know how to say it, and privacy issues. like i really wanted to write about my tuesdays with morrie, well friday really, moment, but i dont know how to. literally. how do you put a moment into words, one that you can't really understand yourself

Monday, October 17, 2011

airbag

i wish i would think before i speak

but today was really :)

rainbow

i heart sushi!

clinics on friday were really v good, and i presented at ward rounds. first time i've ever heard anyone say "not too bad!" but could just be the reg is v nice

spent the weekend reading the diana wynne jones books i bought with the KINO VOUCHERS I WON *happy squee*. talk about satisfaction. they were really lovely. but now i'm going to die for the interactives tomorrow arghh. also skyped with michelle which was, as usual, full of the usual stuff ;p BUT highly marked with my computer GOING OFF EVERY FIVE MINUTES i'm sure you can see why that might get in the way

anyway, highly worried about the mini-CEX at the end of this four weeks, coz my tutor is a neonatologist so ALMOST CERTAINLY i'll get a neonate. ARGHHH. but honestly speaking i've had extremely low expectations of myself + really thick skin after the epic-ness that was TTSH gen med, so ANYTHING will be a happy surprise.

here's to one more week of feeling sleepy and alice-in-wonderland-lost, as i descend upon the wards with my newly-accquired stash of stickers, raisins & windmills!

(and as always, praying for grace. i can feel that i was called for this, and i don't want my human bumbling to mess up anything.)

Thursday, October 13, 2011

angrybirds!

for the next eight weeks: playing with cute children & babies everyday, waving my angrybird toy at happy/ runny nosed-faces, bribing the entire ward 62 with my stickers, and catching rhinitis. i love this so much.

yesterday i arrived at 730am to go bribe a primary school kid with dinosaur stickers. today we had a tutorial and the tutor went up to the pt and said "which of these is your doctor?" the kid looked at him and said "shes not my doctor, she's my medical student" AWWW so cute!! omg omg. although im not so sure he liked us so much after the ensuing 1 hour tutorial over his head. i lent him my phone to play angry birds HAHA as diversion.

ahh its just really nice to walk out of the ward at 5pm and see your friend playing with a toddler in the background. to walk around during wardrounds dispensing stickers & pacifying children. and you get to walk in on 2 guys going "look, kitty, kitty!!" to a small girl clinging onto her dad hee

this is worth everything. i could do this forever

Sunday, October 9, 2011

what freaks me out is, that at the base of things i am not a good person. i guess i am not really :(

pray for
1. goodwill
2. self-restraint
3. wisdom

the question is not about wrongness or rightness but rather, what to do.

maybe the only way is pray for grace

Saturday, October 8, 2011

infinite paradise

GEN MED IS OVER WHOOPEE

i've never been so glad for anything to be over. oh wait, ortho. oh wait, year 2 exams... lol ANYWAY.

the past few days have been spent in a flurry clearing up admin odds & ends, writing thank you cards, clerking last min cases.

i want to say that i absolutely LOVE my cg. thank you so much guys for making this a fantastic 8 weeks. i have identified a staggering amount of personal flaws in this 8 weeks, but thank you for putting up with me, laughing at all my lame jokes, listening to all my random shizz, tolerating the blonde jokes (c, im paraphrasing here to be pc). we had an AMAZING end of posting celebration which involved crepes & pizza at marche, chocolate fondue and an enron-risque movie at m's house, and medical taboo! SO BRILLIANT why did we never think of this idea before hahaha. really suitable ending to an epic eight weeks.

as i wrote my thank you cards, the eight weeks flashed by my eyes. i remembered the first tutorial: HOW TO MAKE PATIENTS LIKE YOU. while its still a hit or miss thing for me, i think that i can get it around 70% of the time and depending on my energy level/ the exoticness of the thing the patient has, i can actually establish a pretty good rapport! the patient being grumpy etc doesnt usually matter anymore. i can make people happier! yey. clerked an amazing case for the final mini-cex yesterday and today when i went to the ward to get my scores the patient walked out of the ward with his son & waved happily to me. you can't get any better than that sometimes.

i remembered all the times sitting in neuro tuts with possibly the most passionate and enthusiastic tutor ever who really loves his students. i remembered our adorable cardio tutor and how i will always think of his face/ voice giving us the heart failure tuts if anyone questions me on hf/ murmurs EVER. i remembered the gi tutorials where i felt like syncope-ing but the great information on liver just kept coming like a waterfall, the pain/ flc clinics in which the tutor taught us hx taking and pe excellently except he thought it was our first day not our last HAHAHAHA. anyways, there's more but memory fails me. all the epic chart stimulated recalls with our core tutor. will definitely go through everything thoroughly and self-reflect (not that im gunner, this is on advice from people!).

and... paeds is coming up! no matter what, i think i owe it to myself to at least give it a good shot :) and... have fun.

on another note, i think i will ALWAYS wonder what the cases the ward reg told me were interesting to clerk, on the last day, but i never got round to.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

this was a good reminder. maybe. maybe someday i can be equally worthwhile in some way or another.

meanwhile... looking at loveandbravery.com... SO PRETTY...

i think i need to survive on love & fresh air for the next two mths. hahaha. pretty dressess... i want :(

was distracted by a whole multitude of things during mass, then this came to my mind.


“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" - matthew 6:25


ah well.

in any case, this is making me v happy now
http://www.paris-in-photos.com/wordpress/
:):)

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

more medicine ramblings

currently i'm very happy & high

suspect it's because i actually left the hospital around 5pm!! and i didn't spend the day rushing from tutorial to tutorial! and i got a lift this morning! and PRIMARILY coz i'm now bumming instead of furiously revising. wow clearly it doesnt take much to make me happy.

weekend:
was a weekend of unexpected turns. like i asked for a lift somewhere & got transported to a family crab gathering instead. (but still, family so +++)

i was intending to go to sleep but ended up having a long, much-delayed gosspy conversation with michelle. I LOVE MICHELLE OMG seriously she just GETS these things. other people would consider it dumb/ inane/ whatever but somehow when i talk to her about it it makes SENSE. primarily because she has such a way of... intellectualizing what is the anti-thesis of intellectuality. hahaha. anyway we could be talking about the sun & it would be fun, honestly. yay yay. except i was SO SLEEPY THE NEXT DAY.

monday:
i can't remember much but i think i got a chocolate chip cookie in the morning lecture so YAY COOKIE

tuesday:
i think i managed to squeeze in a long case for respi here so whoopee
also had a geri tutorial where i was so tired i thought i was going to fall over & syncope (HAHAHA) but nevertheless clerked a very sweet old lady. the other group painfully clerked an old man in hokkien, then when presenting him, it transpired that he can communicate with one of the guys in PERFECT MALAY hahahaha
and then i studied haemato all night SO PRODUCTIVE wow

wednesday:
we had the most perfect ambulatory clinic ever where we learnt so much! except the nurse kept talking in chinese about how there were SO MANY STUDENTS & we are sitting everywhere messily lol it was quite funny coz... we can understand chinese. but really learnt a lot in this clinic.
then after lunch, i managed to whip through a few short cases - prosthetic valves & a respi case (DEPRESSING, I MISSED A PLEURAL EFFUSION).
and after the x ray tutorial (which was less painful than expected), i got guilt-tripped into doing somemore short cases which were VERY GOOD. the signs that is. and the 2nd guy is really super super sweet. my friend asked him if she can come by the next few days to listen somemore to his heart and he was like sure, sure no problem!! *happy grin*. although, why does she need to do that..?? haha.

there was also another good case but there was a loong line of drs wanting to do exit round on him after his physiotherapy so ANOTHER DAY(this means never, or at some really inconvenient time)

so now i'm just bumming & not preparing chart stimulated recall for tomorrow! yay! if i even want to do it after CLINICS THE WHOLE DAY & walking back from CDC at 5pm?!

what really struck me is as i walked out to the mrt with my friend, she was bubbling over with random funny stuff that happened, and i was just like, wanting to lie down and sleep for ten years. really impressed with her... vervor & erm enthusiasm for life even after a super tiring day/ THE PAST SIX WEEKS man.

i need to get back that!

but seeing all the old aunties & uncles in the hospital actually does make me treasure youth quite a bit. it really is true that youth is wasted on the young. SO i intend to maxx out life man. maybe staying in the hospital until late isn't precisely the EPITOMY of coolness, but a few years more and it gets closer! and that really brings you back to the qn: WHAT IS THE POINT OF MY LIFE. honestly, i think that if i even just practice medicine for 30 yrs or more, and not do anything like WIN A NOBEL PRIZE or whatever (not like i want to), that is worthwhile. i dont even have to save anyone's life, just do all the usual stuff a usual doctor does. i probably would contribute to qol/ save desaturating/ the usual acutely ill pple that come in thru a & e etc. and that's totally enough for me. and when we go home bemoaning the fact that 4-5pm is considered early & slack then i guess i need to REFORMAT my mindset to the fact that yes, i am physically & mentally tired but it is, PHILOSOPHICALLY SPEAKING, the only way to make anything out of this life (for me).

THAT SAID i keep having visions of baking yummy stuff/ pretty dresses swimming around my head. i dont know why!! hahaha. but i will, i will.

one more week and two days.

as a precaution, i hereby solemnly swear that i will not be sad if i suck at paeds as much as i suck at medicine. because true, kids are not small adults but it's STILL MEDICINE & i STILL HAVE TO TALK TO PEOPLE. but kids are cute. hehe. sooo just take it as a time to play with cute kids & learn about a subject that i really enjoy and think is the most awesome in the whole world. yep.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

mooncakes

hellohello,

yesterday i ran to the botanics & back, then i came back and had watermelon & mooncakes

i love mooncakes. it's like chang-e and hope & dreams & immortality & the eternal inscrutability of the moon, all distilled into one perfectly-formed rounded cake. it's like eating moonlight. it's like suddenly being transported to france and inbibing champagne & blue cheese.

the botanics is really far though. like. really supah far. the first 40 minutes was ethereal. i was running in the gathering gloom, as cars zoomed by on the highways. i can't remember what it was that made me feel so happy. was it the color of the sky? the songs on my ipod? the past the future or the present? i could have turned back at any time; sometimes in fact on my rare runs these days i actually only do 40 minutes before the rain comes, or before i have to turn back to start the drive to ttsh. but something made me keep on running, until i reached the white gates. everywhere are people in sunglasses & summer shorts & caps in bunches, taking photographs. the soft lights in the garden bushes remind me of gatsby's parties. i run home thinking that i really really want a gatsby-themed wedding. the botanics is really so pretty at night. it's like fairyland. but that aside, the 2nd 40 minutes was pure physical torture. the only thing that kept me going was the green light at the end of the dock HAHA nah kidding, its cos i didnt bring a bus card ;p

today, i'm having yet another awesome sunday looking out at the vines growing on the arch outside my window (hahaha sounds so french-chateaux like), studying ecgs

last night, i turned on skype for the first time since forever. it used to be suuuch a big part of my life. WELL I DONT MISS it. i certainly dont miss being chained to a 10pm skype timing. i've talked about freedom before, and i think most of all the greatest freedom is this. LOL. i also realized that in general i'm someone who loves freedom and not being accountable to anyone about anything. anyway this time it was to catch up with a friend! who was not online LOL i think aft/evening is toooo broad a span of time. but but i managed to catch nat and we had quite a nice conversation about neuro/med/ life. she's working in the sleep lab at duke!! how awesome is that!!

i also read the happiness project by gretchen rubin (as in the website, not the book). inspiring stuff man. as you can tell, i didnt do thaaat much work yesterday. LOL. it really doesnt matter to me anymore. i'm not very sure why, but i think its something to do with how i was realizing that sustained stress & pushing myself to remember a million things made me so cranky and tired all the time. if i chill out more during the weekends, i can retain more of what i learn during the week, instead of spending the time being passed out in the MO room, or coming home early to sleep coz im so burnt out. now i just stay later to clerk pts after tutorials/ for calls/ to follow random people around if they have cool stuff they wanna show me. i think it works better like this. i used to push myself like a water bufflo especially on sundays, and start monday feeling like i'd been run over by an express train. NOT FUN.

FOR THE RECORD, thus far i've studied arrhythmias and all the different causes of chest pain and paid particular attention to PLEURITIC CHEST PAIN which is disturbing coz i never heard of it ever before friday. it's true, you never know what you dont know.

we have two weeks extra holiday in jan. should i go to korea for a holiday? go to uk to settle bank stuff/ visit d in dublin/ michelle in oxford? (if she's even there at that time, haha). should i bone up on gen med? should i study up for surgery? ARGH I DONT KNOWWW...

anyway. work beckons. ciao :)

Saturday, September 24, 2011

smoothie

Feel v accomplished this week and not as run down as usual :) though 6pm discussing loss of consciousness and confusion with c and the tutor was pretty painful haha. But good stuff! There are puns there but i wont bother lol

volunteered for a tutorial and it was a truly enlightening experience. On reflection the good is my diabetes and dialysis hx is good, but the system qns like renal, chestpain totally dissapeared :( but when the guy was marking me he told me apart from the one impt thing i missed my hx taking was v focused and gd and i should continue like that. Yay!! First time anyone in gen med has told me that hoho felt v encouraged after tt :) but yes i know where to improve also.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

andante

today was quite nice. it involved chocolate cake, GONGCHA, and the answer to everything ;p

on an unrelated note, chart stimulated recall tomorrow. ARGHHH.

also had an unexpected surprise the other night, with the usual weirdness & things lost in translation, and general happiness :) it kinda obliterates something i was pretty hung up upon so i guess that's a good thing overall.

amusingly, a patient the other day was commenting on me with despair "hai, she's so useless... cant speak hokkien, cant speak cantonese, can't speak teochew... only can speak english and HWA YU *this last said with special derision*" LOL. and the best thing is i think she genuinely felt i was being left out in the all-hokkien conversation and was trying to entertain me/ involve me or SOMETHING ahaha. anyway i was more amused than anything. i was left alone in the cubicle with her for awhile and she enthusiastically tried to engage me in further animated hokkien.


haha okay CHART STIMULATED RECALL, bye world

edit: i'll never forget what u taught me.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

long way

JYJ's new album! well actually this song has been out since forever but anwyway, their voices are really beautiful in this


out of everything, the fact that i suck at clinical medicine is possibly the most upsetting. i can accept everything else, but this is really... UGHH. well the only way is to jiayou :) guess i can look forward to being competent in the FUTURE (and i probably will, what with all this excellent training.) just that for this particular posting ummm i've just got to try my best without the trying being reflected in results. GAHH i'm so used to amping up my game and magically seeing the fruits of my labor. why is it that i can do that for maths which i hate, but not medicine which i love, i DO NOT UNDERSTAND. maybe eight weeks is just too short a time.

i kind of just want a normal mini-cex >< it's not all about the marks, i fully understand that btw. but my first one was a surg case and my third was a o&g one... furthermore i was able to correctly answer all the treatment, even all the antibiotics that i couldnt remember during the first one >< i got all 6/9 for the 2nd one which was a perfectly normal GI case with an abdo exam. so... it's not that i am not improving, i am, it just isn't showing. oh well. I JUST WANT 60% for my medicine posting and i'll be satisfied. partly coz i know i cant really expect more.

i would LOVE to say this is a situational thing coz i keep getting sucky mini-cexes, but that's too dangerous, to assume your bad showing is due to something other than your own incompetence, yknow what i mean? i dont want to be a bad workman that blames his tools. i can live with just being a bad workman that knows it, and does something about it.

and next week is going to be UGHH what with trying to hit 80 entries for case writeup (thanks for randomly springing this news on us in the middle of an innocuous feedback session ugh)


another jyj song! random find. i guess jyj had an even longer way to go than me. but they're also bigger stars to start with HAHA. also i just watched the part on scent of a woman where the lead character fangirls over junsu and signs up for his fanmeeting through... NEFARIOUS MEANS hehe. and also the tango parts of SOW were nothing short of AMAZING. why does that never happen to me. with LEE DONG WOOK, SPECIFICALLY. ;p cannot just be anyone man.

OKAY so the emo-part is overr
actually, its only difficult coz i want it to be. coz i have certain expectations, because my pattern is to massively improve myself every time i identify the need to. i'm sure you can imagine how tiring it is go to home every day and think OKAY I NEED TO IMPROVE MY CARDIO X 100!! YEAH! *pumps fist*... seriously, i cant really keep this up. it's a good thought though. good to be motivated instead of being a lazy slug yo.

that saiddd i've been having a good time thanks to the entertainment around me. and the fact that my HO is so relatable & so willing to teach (i'm seriously willing to just stand at one side & observe the team!! but she will always come over & explain everything to me). and the m5 on the team is just highly amusing for some reason hahaha and always cheerful x 100. although i think i kinda freaked him out on the day int med broke me LOL but yea the comfort was much appreciated. thanks hanyang. :):)

on the religious side...
erm i still kind of suck at this. but honestly i think being a good doctor is the best way forward right now. the best way to give glory to God is really to do the best at, erm, what i think he has called me to do. the best way is not to watch korean dramas all day long so i can be a happy funny and very sweet and nice to all around me. unless he has called me to do so. which... no, i dont think so. and what, me? of course i'm not capable of watching k-dramas 24/7. hehehe.

i'm in two minds about the me not wanting to go for mass the other day thingy SIGH why does right now have to be int med SIGH. so i went, and it was pretty nice, altho if i didnt feel so physically shitty the next day, and so emotionally shitty on the day itself, it would probably have been a cooler experience overall. no dont get me wrong, on the good side, it was a v cool religious experience, and i mean, i'm not going to see _______ much so i really like the idea of hanging out one last time (plus i did totally tell him he's the one going away so he gets to choose what we do for the last time). and i felt really affirmed on that day itself. i kind of felt like it was a mini-sacrifice i could make (i mean, how much really are we able to sacrifice for the Lord on the daily basis). it was even in the words "i make this sacrifice to you today". of course i know what that refers to, but at that moment, i felt this great shame. like i couldnt even bear to make this small sacrifice for someone who died for me. gahhhh. although, i prefer not to make sacrifices during the really short duration of int med (refer above), but maybe that's the whole point... if you can afford to do so, it ISNT A SACRIFICE. so, hmm. and thereafter i had the whole usual I AM SUCH A LOUSY FRIEND angst and i kept planning to make ________ cupcakes to say SORRY I REALLY SUCK and well of course life intervenes and since i am barely hanging on with internal medicine i think you know where my best-laid plans are going. i was literally writing the card in the MO room desperately before going. in fact that morning i was hanging around a discussion btw the HO and M5 and then i told them "eh i'm going to buy something now" and they gave me a really odd look like i was skiving hahaha i guess i was, OH WELL.

lol this is hilarious since only _________ reads this. DONT READ THIS, I HOPE YOU DIDNT READ THIS. sorry man i really needed to vent.
HAVE A SAFE FLIGHT and ENJOY YOURSELF & STUDY HARD! be a better medical student & doctor than me :):) thanks for everything ever. i think you totally saved my soul, a thousand times over, so honestly i am indebted to you :)