About Me

Monday, January 31, 2011

fairytales are always so awesome while they last. let's keep it that way. awesomeness in a bottle.

the past week has been awesome. unbridled slacktitude, lazing around, getting more than 8 hours of sleep, making it for morning rosary and cell groups and helping out for catholic awareness week (this consisted of me and annthea educating ourselves with the boards & books the comm provided. oh well. we tried!!) it was pretty nice actually :) debate, well, it was utter hilarity but law was too funny i think. oh wells. a night well spent :) plus so many days bumming around in the canteen gossiping, trading secrets, rumours, etc. oh dear. time really is the ultimate indulgence sometines. plus information, but guh. and i got my free starbucks drink! i think i kinda thought it was a hoax all along. but nopes, nice conversation with p and vanilla latte.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

the rain seemed like very many small diamonds; hard and bright

the world just lights up like its fairyland.

yesterday was so perfect. like a giant arc resolving everything, bringing all the unfinished storylines of my life together. and then there was debate, like always. debate: the very word invokes emotion in me. hot humid days falling asleep as pigtailed girls and bespectacled, suited boys followed the tail ends of their smoky, undefined dreams. just yesterday i was one of them too. we attended so many debates, to what end, i don't really know. self-improvement? so many dreams, so intricately tied to debate. watching debates from outside the classroom, in the utter dark. all your ducks and demons. inviting people to watch, having such complete self-faith. i have never had such self-posession as then, never believed so whole-heartedly in my ability to deliver, never known so well about everything and nothing.

yesterday was perfect because of that color i can't place far darker than lilac but yet not quite as bright as violet. it was beautiful because the stage and microphones and the arrangement of the chairs reminded me of someplace deep inside myself i would never dare to awaken again. because remembering how it felt like to rise up before an auditorium of people, half of whom you dont know, was like the flower which only opens at night, some nights
to enshrine this feeling. of blowing balloons, of sunlight. what song is it, that says "like sunlight shining at midnight"?

i was really ridiculously happy today. and nothing will make me take that back ever. (also, its midnight now, so indeed, the day is over. i was happy, on this day).

i guess you could say, the balloons i sent over the mountains many easters ago now (or so it seems) somehow crossed rivers and continents to find me today. and tied to them - was my heart. and today, i got it back.

Monday, January 24, 2011

the world that they live in

finished secret garden. i am a very happy bunny atm :D

then, immediately started on the world that they live in, for my hyun bin fix. the part in SG when he smashes the roses as secretary kim runs in to tell him of her car accident is SPLENDIDLY DONE. it may -sound- cliche but the moment is so impressively filmed.

had an amazing 8k run, 57 mins. i'll get it down to 50 in 1 month hopefully, wasn't really running at top speed the entire while. it was one of those where you can hear music even though you arent wearing headphones, smell the flowers when you're sprinting along at top speed, where you feel complete peace, when you feel like you're flying in your dreams.

i know what to do, and i will do it :) i just feel so blessed to be able to have what i do. everytime i clear my email inbox or do anything involving going back in time, i see clearly again why i did what i had to do, and the importance of not losing focus. the importance of being grateful. it was like the light streaming in through the chapel windows, it was like the mobius loop of the bus stop. it had a happy ending, didn't it? all because i had the courage to turn it into something good.

tues - pbp, cell group 6-7, swimming 8-9 :)
wed - 2-3 catholic awareness week booth, 7-8 (??) lector's prep in church
thurs - borders!! yayy!
fri - watch medlaw debates!
sat - ravi's bday
sun - read
mon - zzzzzzz during lectures. (i predict)
i was vacilliating between hope and pessimissm, and always ending up with an answer of "basically, it just sucks".

and then i opened my inbox to two messages
from our daily bread:
He is my God, and I will praise Him. —Exodus 15:2
I love to hear media reports in which God gets the glory He deserves for something good that has happened. In the Bible reading for today, it’s obvious that God should get the credit for parting the Red Sea to help His people escape from Pharaoh, even though Moses was the one who raised his rod (Ex. 14:26-27). All the Israelites and Moses gathered together and sang the Lord’s praises: “Who is like You, O Lord, among the gods? Who is like You, glorious in holiness, fearful in praises, doing wonders?” (15:11).

When something good happens, the Lord deserves the credit, for He is the source of all that is good. Give Him the glory. Aren’t you glad He works midnights? —Anne Cetas

What may seem like coincidence
As we live out our story
Is God at work behind the scenes—
So give Him all the glory. —Sper


note from the universe (i know this is just for fun, not in the league of bible verses, haha! but sometimes it really fits very perfectly)
One's ability to stop kidding themselves, eli, is what brings about the greatest breakthroughs, fastest comebacks, and happiest feet.

No goat jokes, please -
The Universe
And one's ability to stop kidding themselves, eli, is always a function of one's willingness. Ba-a-a-a-ha-ha....


this may seem like a cliche, but in another sense, it never is. because you will never stop facing difficulties. you have to find something & someone to put your trust in.

may have made some wise choices in the past two years, but many things i did were also driven by a want i basically knew was wrong. well i cant say i knew it was wrong but i cant say i knew it was right either. it was one of those things where you just really want to fool yourself, where you think pride is so important, more important than living a normal life. but in doing all that, i actually sacrificed a lot coz i could only see this one thing. it's only now that i clearly see that if i had just dropped my pride, things would have been a lot better. and to think i committed it to God! i guess the downfall is when you think you've got it all covered - then you have to not get complacent about it.

sometimes nothing makes sense. but you just have to wait it out. i wont pretend that i have any excuse for this that makes me feel better, any mature observation. there are simply some things that never change. there are some things that can be accepted and some that cant. i will stop kidding myself, AND not give up my faith in God working miracles for me. at the latin mass, i felt a tranquility rarely felt. in that moment, i knew that this too will be okay. whatever okay means. coz God works midnights too.

and this is one of those cliched things too surely but truth is truth - i didn't imagine anything. that, at least, is scant consolation.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

sunday morning poems

all from www.poets.org's daily newsletter - a poem a day

The way water tastes rust in the pipes it shuttles through
Beneath a city, unfolding and luminous with industry.
Before you were born, the table of elements
Was lacking, and I as a noble gas floated
Free of attachment. Before you were born,
The sun and the moon were paper-thin plates
Some machinist at his desk merely clicked into place.

- from rime riche by monica ferrell



The Thread of Life
by Christina Rossetti

1

The irresponsive silence of the land,
The irresponsive sounding of the sea,
Speak both one message of one sense to me: —
Aloof, aloof, we stand aloof, so stand
Thou too aloof bound with the flawless band
Of inner solitude; we bind not thee;
But who from thy self—chain shall set thee free?
What heart shall touch thy heart? what hand thy hand?—
And I am sometimes proud and sometimes meek,
And sometimes I remember days of old
When fellowship seemed not so far to seek
And all the world and I seemed much less cold,
And at the rainbow's foot lay surely gold,
And hope felt strong and life itself not weak.

2

Thus am I mine own prison. Everything
Around me free and sunny and at ease:
Or if in shadow, in a shade of trees
Which the sun kisses, where the gay birds sing
And where all winds make various murmuring;
Where bees are found, with honey for the bees;
Where sounds are music, and where silences
Are music of an unlike fashioning.
Then gaze I at the merrymaking crew,
And smile a moment and a moment sigh
Thinking: Why can I not rejoice with you ?
But soon I put the foolish fancy by:
I am not what I have nor what I do;
But what I was I am, I am even I.

3

Therefore myself is that one only thing
I hold to use or waste, to keep or give;
My sole possession every day I live,
And still mine own despite Time's winnowing.
Ever mine own, while moons and seasons bring
From crudeness ripeness mellow and sanative;
Ever mine own, till Death shall ply his sieve;
And still mine own, when saints break grave and sing.
And this myself as king unto my King
I give, to Him Who gave Himself for me;
Who gives Himself to me, and bids me sing
A sweet new song of His redeemed set free;
He bids me sing: O death, where is thy sting?
And sing: O grave, where is thy victory?


Pericardium
by Joanna Klink

Am I not alone, as I thought I was, as I thought
The day was, the hour I walked into, morning
When I felt night fly from my chest where prospect had
Slackened, and close itself off, understanding, as I thought I did,
That the ground would resist my legs and not let them
Break nor let them be released into air as my heart, in its
Muscle, might be released from the body that surrounds it,
Like someone who, placing a hand on a shoulder's
Blade, felt a life move inside an hour and a day
Break from the day the hour meant something more than weakness,
More than fear, and flew forward into the depths of
Prospect, your arms, where you'd been, before me, waiting
For me, the way the body has always been waiting for the heart to sense
It is housed, it is needed, it will not be harmed.

and of course, my all-time favorite (i actually decorated my sec 4 lit file with this, in liquid paper ><)

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening
by Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

i sing the body electric-- post CA2 reflections

ca2 vs ca1:
CA2 was better than CA1, I think. Microb is this random collection of facts and side effects that don't have much association to each other. It's like someone reached into a magician's bag and pulled out something different each time. But pathology, and sytemic pharmaco makes perfect sense! The night before, doing insulin mcqs, and realising how perfectly named the insulin drugs are (eg lispro is due to a proline-lysine inversion), everything just sort of clicked into place.

That really describes the whole process of this second cycle. I sort of knew how much pain to expect, I paced myself well, I sprinted at the end. Okay, so I screwed up quite a bit in the actual essay writing, what's new... But there was also stuff that didn't spring out of my head immediately when I saw the questions, but that I managed to wring out from my memory eventually. Miracles like doing diabetes drugs that very morning before I went in, like hanyu and nat discussing breast cancer risk factors within my earshot as I did that, like chee hoe studying the bone notes that I so desperately needed right before mcqs, and him being kind enough to lend it to me.

Friendships and stuff: have been so much better this time round too. I've gotten to know so many people on a deeper level, managed to retain my closeness with pre-existing friends, had a really great december with those people who managed to co-erce me to meet up with them. Although I just wanted to shut myself up and study, and it was sometimes guilt-inducing etc, I'm really glad in the end I managed to meet a few people. It brightned up my holidays considerably, and I don't think I could have endured the mind-numbing mugging so well if I didn't have happy random cotton candy memories at my disposal. Christmas carolling was really nice as well, and I got to see my classmates outside of the school environment which was lovely. I also met lawrence, whom I keep meeting at random people's parties, haha!!

I also managed to keep up my running etc until a few days before the exam, which really made me feel like a much happier person, and counter-intuitively made me more energised, awake and motivated. I'm not really sure why, since ordinarily it just makes me more sleepy. Haha. But I'm really proud of that fact, and it contributed so much to the overall happiness that I just had to mention it.

Post-ca: fighter
went to watch the fighter + have lunch at carl's jr with my og. It was pretty nice! I can't say I loved the grisly boxing, but I did really like the emotional core of the movie, with the crack-addict brother, the honesty and integrity that shines through micky ward, and the epic wins at the end didn't seem cliched. Because he was an underdog ALL the way through until right at the end. Literally, he kept getting backed up on the ropes, but he always, always somehow pulled it together from goodness knows where, to pull a punch and send his opponent to the floor at the last minute. That really hit home because I identify with that strongly. There really isn't a good explanation for his sudden massive winning punches, they dont make him out to be a superhuman dude like rocky or something. He's just an ordinary guy from lowell who managed to overcome all kinds of random things, to find something in himself at the most important moments, to go ahead and do it. Out of nowhere. Then he goes back to being normal again.

I also got to know people from my og better :) Was chatting to edmund, jolene, praba etc on the way to vivo, so that was quite nice. HAHA speaking of edmund, today on the way to macpherson for NHS, the bus went over this bridge. And he was like "is this sentosa!" LOLOL. Took the mrt back with hanyu and cheehoe. Haha. I have to say that cheehoe is a really really nice and funny guy. When he isn't being all sarcastic etc, hahaha of course I know he's joking la. It was nice to hang out with him coz we don't really get much of a chance to do so in school. also, seeing amy adams as a,to quote the director, 'sexy bitch' who uses the f-word in EVERY SENTENCE was slightly jarring after just finishing enchanted reccently, lol!

Then family dinner at a thai place - had green papaya salad with soft shell crab and steamed tapioca dessert. OMG. SO GOOD. I would totally go back there again.

NHS:
Somehow managed to drag myself up this morning for this. it stands for neighborhood health screening btw, not nhs nhs. I was in two minds about it since I ponned the training yesterday. Who wants to spend the time from 2-6pm after a CA that makes you feel like you just ran 42km, revising how to take blood pressure & blood glucose?! Apparently, many guai people who did actually go. Whoops. I must blame it on myself for just not wanting to think too much about post-ca plans until it actually ended. Chinmaya's sms about them putting in loads of effort made me feel quite guilty though so I just turned up anyway, at 8am-- GUHHHH. SO. PAINFUL. WAKING. UP. but had quite a nice chat w/ zakil chinmaya & madan whom i havent talked to in awhile! so klearly was worth it waking up early!

I don't regret going. It's like waking up at 5am to go run the standard chartered- it's just one of those big things you feel awesome for just being allowed to be part of. They are SO well-prepared. They split us into groups of 1 M1, 1 M2, 1 M3/M4, and allocated us a block and level each. And catered for breakfast and lunch, and bus transport to and fro school? And each group has a logistics bag with a weighing scale, sphyganometer, blood glucose meter and needles, waste disposal bag, sharps bin, alcohol rub, measuring tape, pen, gloves, ten questionnare forms, ten faecal occult blood tests and associated forms... wow the list goes on. I was seriously blown away by the level of effort put in by the organising comm! And also ten goody bags with biscuits/ health pamphlets/ goodness knows what la. I also met two really nice m3 girls - michelle & wanyee, coz wanyee was in my group. So we spent most of the busride chatting etc, which was v nice because previously I was slightly apprehensive about not going if I didnt know anyone. Most of my og turned up though, so it was doubly good!

As for nhs itself, we only managed to do two houses, but i really hope we managed to make some kind of Impact and maybe they'll go and get checked out etc. I suppose there's not an uber-high chance considering how firm they were that they were ok, didnt feel sick etc, hmm, but maybe if they just remember those really repetitive medical students who kept harping on about taking medications (wanyee was particularly persuasive in this respect), it'll be good. i think the IDEA of it though, is v meaningful, & it's definitely one of those things that you must keep trying until the benefits come to pass. but apart from that maybe we were able to amuse them, with err our blood pressure taking skills, and bad chinese. haha! i actually asked norris, the m1 how to say the word COLOR in chinese.

heh. it was a good experience, & one i'm proud to have been a part of. i'm definitely going back next year to help out, and for PHS as well. cos really making a difference to people like this is why I'm in medicine. so having this strategically located after ca drives home the importance of everything we do. that said, was MASSIVELY EXHAUSTED after that.

came back, crashed, and watched the social network! it's quite nice actually! although poor mark zuckenberg, for having this entire film made about him by his friend trying to take revenge. LOL. but that said, it also cements his famous-ness and makes him into a far more legendary figure - i mean, not everyone would have known who the facebook founder was, but now they do! justin timberlake is also reaally cute as the napster founder, hehe. i think that at the end of the movie one would emphathise with mark though. or maybe it's just me. not just that he seems lonely etc, but i just get the idea that to him, computer stuff is so big, so important, that the rest just doesnt matter. and that singlemindedness makes him awesome. but he shouldnt have done that to edwardo la. i mean... surely there was SOME way to compromise. i got the feeling that as they argued over the lawyers table, both of them felt bad for what they'd done. but also, reading up on the issue, i heard that edwardo was pretty lag about signing papers etc, and while he was hard done by, i think there was definitely some fault on his part too. but overall - he was part of this amazing phenomenon, and that's pretty cool, no?

When I consider every thing that grows (Sonnet 15)
by William Shakespeare

When I consider every thing that grows
Holds in perfection but a little moment.
That this huge stage presenteth nought but shows
Whereon the stars in secret influence comment.
When I perceive that men as plants increase,
Cheerèd and checked even by the self-same sky,
Vaunt in their youthful sap, at height decrease,
And wear their brave state out of memory;
Then the conceit of this inconstant stay,
Sets you most rich in youth before my sight,
Where wasteful Time debateth with decay
To change your day of youth to sullied night;
And all in war with Time for love of you,
As he takes from you, I engraft you new.


in summary... it's been a crazy couple of days. trying to pack fun into these few days, before neuro starts. met more new people than i have in a looong while, or met new sides of the same people. and the guys are awesomezz as ALWAYS. c brought baileys to the exam!!!

loads of upcoming stuff - cms thingy on tues, ravi's 21st on the 25th, something on the 27th which ive forgotten, med-law debates which i'd like to watch, dance classes i dont know if i can commit to, things i'd like to bake, CHINESENEWYEAR, i have to do the shui mei just to justify the two years i sat in my room sadly thinking, not about hongbaos not about visiting (which i actually dontlike much being a bummer and homebody, lol), but about DOING THE SHUI MEI AT MIDNIGHT. wont think about pros for at least 2 weeks, i think. oh and yes, watching movies/ kdramas (guilt-free) :)

i plan to
1) finish secret garden
2) finish baker king
3) finish bad guy
4) start sungkyunkwan scandal
5) start my princess
6) start playful kiss (apparently it gets better after the really draggy first few episode)

OH, and to run 10k tomorrow. night world :) thanks everyone for bearing with my rants these past few weeks.

i feel like i've learnt a lot, both academically and as a person. i still fear the outcome and it hit me as i was frantically mugging for the mcqs that i dont think i will check the ca2 results. it means a lot to me, and i really dont think i can take the shock of a mark that will undoubtedly be not fantastic, although with some luck, marginally better than ca1?? but i've also come to accept that this is the reality & that i am really far from being alone. and that mediocricity is something i've got to re-accept, like from my days in rg when it would have been suicical to get upset over every bad mark. but also i know that hard work will only get me these grades, so i can't let go, coz then i really WILL fail, LOL. so it's pretty scary sometimes, but most of the time - i had loads of fun. actually, this is the most fun exam i studied for. everything just made so much sense somehow - anatomy, physiology lodged in my brain from long ago, pathology i memorized but never really understood finally coming to light. i think biochem is still beyond me (eg alt levels normal but raised phosphatase = NOT hepatocellular ca. GRRRR) but oh well. we live and learn.

here's to hoping that i'll survive pros, GET TO YEAR THREE, and continue getting to know all these awesome people better. every day i really just feel more and more secure and settled in, and less cynical about life, less hardened. which is scary coz its when you unharden yourself that people can hurt you. but as usual, i spread myself so thin on purpose so people hurt me less. does it work? i dont really know. but, i'm figuring it out. let's hope it all works out :)

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

pharmaco essays are the WORST.

figured out the cholesterol thing. but it's never actually come out before so either i have foresight, or im just wasting my time. no prizes for guessing which.
type 1- hyperchylomicronemia - increased chylomicrons, VLDL
type 2a - hypercholesterolemia - increased LDL
type 2b - mixed hyperlipidemia - increased VLDL, LDL
type 3 - dysbetalipoproteinemia - increased IDL
type 4- hypertriglyceridemia - increased tg from VLDL
type 5 - mixed hypertriglyceridemia - increased tg in VLDL, chylomicrons

niacin is for 2b, 4
fibrates is for 1,3
resins is for 2a,2b

but actually - most of the time, you just give statins -_- which can be used for all. simvastatin rosuvastatin etc etc

this looks like more than i can do/ i give up, i'm not strong enough


ps: haha i thought this was the philippians "i can do everything through Christ who gives me strength" quote!!! well i like this one too :) an inadvertent message? lol. well this verse gives me strength, indeed.

matthew west - strong enough

you must, you must think i'm strong
to give me what im going through
well forgive me if i'm wrong
but this looks like more than i can do
on my own

i know im not strong enough
to be everything that i'm supposed to be
i give up
i'm not strong enough

hands of mercy wont you cover me
Lord I'm asking you to be strong enough
for both of us

well maybe, maybe that's the point
to reach the point of giving up
cos when i'm finally, finally
at rock bottom

well that's when i start looking up
and reaching out
~

i can't do this. there is no question about it. neither am i going to dream tonight of the exam qns, like ben carson, my hero did. (ps he's my hero not coz he had this experience, haha, that's just me kidding. he's my hero cos of everything he's done and how he managed to pull himself out of hard times so many times and how now he's a peds neurosurgeon - my dream aspiration that i know i will never make it to, so ive stopped wanting that. but he's still my idol, beyond any pretty kpop band, beyond anyone i know in flesh. for who he is, for what he stands for to me. being a doctor is something ive always wanted, but there have been so many difficulties. in times like those, i re-read his book- Gifted Hands, and then i set it down and continue my journey.)

but i still have at least twelve hours.
8 hrs - 1 hr for each system
for the extra 4 hours - figure out the cholesterol transport shit, memorize drug actions & mechanism of actions, finish up urinary obstruction, pituitary, b&j notes, clinical aspects of cardio, type out epidimiology notes.

i'll do what i can, and take whatever tomorrow brings. i know that curling up into a ball and sleeping today away, probably won't help anything.

and that - i dont have to be strong enough.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

it only hurts when im breathing
my heart only breaks when it's beating
my dreams only die when i'm dreaming

- shania twain

why cant i just dream of livers and hearts when i sleep??

this time round, i'm better at juggling Life with exams. but Faith? and exams? are just totally incompatible.

basically, i'm confused and frustrated. with neverending patho, with life, with computers & thumbdrives that KEEP MESSING UP. srsly. i know i of all people should have faith. think what i was trying to say last night that its a really personal thing & i am truly sorry if i had ever given anyone any wrong advice. coz at the end of the day, it's between you and God. im sure there are things i did right, as well as things i did really wrong. but i do feel sorry for having led anyone down wrong paths if i did/ given theologically-unsound bits of info/ been a bad testament.

so. i do have faith that it will work out, but i cant say i have great faith that this PARTICULAR exam will go swimmingly. but who am i to sit here and divine the future? God alone knows the future. the only thing i can do is try, and try again .

a message to technology: PLEASE DO NOT FAIL ME. just managed to print 12 pages of notes on my home printer, wow, i think this is the accomplishment of the century. it's as nerve-wracking as venepuncture i think. coz be one milisecond too slow and everything jams and i'd have to go to school to print. yesterday tried to download past yr qns and the file went bonkers on me. it was 'paginating' until 1000 pages. liang en is pro but no i dont think he typed 1000 pages about gi alone.

patho patho

sunrise

by nichole nordeman
If I had the chance
To go back again
Take a different road, bear a lighter load

Tell an easy story

I would walk away
With my yesterdays

And I would not trade what is broken for beauty only

Every valley
Every bitter chill
Made me ready to climb back up the hill
And find that . . .

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?

You're my horizon
You're the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise

There's a moment when
Faith caves in
There's a time when every soul is certain God is gone

But every shadow is evidence of sun
And every tomorrow holds out hope for us
For every one of us


You're my horizon
You're the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise

You alone will shine
You alone can resurrect this heart of mine
how strange that just in this short span of time, so many things can happen that give strength & hope & peace. it's times like this that give me faith in the world.

listening to: lady antebellum - i run to you

on a completely different note -its like charcot's joint. if you dont feel, you dont know that the small ligaments & muscles are falling apart. these days, its true that i dont really feel any longer, so i just have to try harder. cos once you feel, then it's far too late to make any amends. actually i'm not too concerned atm, which is what concerns me. re: charcot's joint. it will be okay, right, yes it will. (God willing.)

Monday, January 17, 2011

thingsweforget



i love these motivating things! maybe motivation should come from within, but what happens when you've been sucked dry? exhausting day in library, i wish i'd gone earlier. it's too happy sitting at home in my bubble, learning new things blahblahblah. right now, i feel like a goose which is destined to become foie gras. i have never asked these geese how they might feel but i dont think they feel too good somehow. but maybe they get fed yummy food? even so, too much of anything is BAD. in any case, i feel thoroughly freaked out, inadequate, brain-zonked, and like a fool for not starting earlier. but since i ALWAYS START EARLIER, due to always berating myself near exams/ after exams for not starting earlier, err... im not really sure what to do.

except i suppose, finish the race, hope that one day i will be sufficiently prepared so that i dont need to pep-talk myself randomly in virtual bytes. like 21k doesnt really scare me per se anymore, since i've done it so many times. on that note, actually i havent done it since year 1 march. which was like almost two years ago, so maybe complacency isnt sucha good idea...

anyway it was nice. everyone was studying around me like good bunnies. there was a drug called guaiphenesin, i think it's an expectorant for when one has cough. haha. so cute!! and lots of much less cute drugs. abcximab. and who ever knew that methotrexate inhibited aminoimidazole carboxamide ribonucleotide transformylase? think i really should have gone to church on sunday. not coz its an obligation, but because:



anyway, what's done is done. but the future can still be changed.
from talleys: "all these signs are amusing, but not very useful"

this basically summarizes what i feel about the time i have spent doing pbp/ pots, basically, not patho & pharma, ie the main point of the exam. part of me just cant be bothered, but part of me knows what is expected...

by WHO really i dont know. conventional wisdom says just do your best and it'll be ok. but there are times when you know, doing your best is not enough. you have to go over & above that. and while doing things with a superhuman effort is not something i am unused to, i cant do SO MANY THINGS superhumanly all at once. anyway, two days more in which i will have to work harder than i already am (which is a bit difficult...). it's the acclerating when i'm already accelerating that i can't quite handle.

actually when i packed up the ca1 stuff this morning (lol SO lag) i realized how much and how well i studied for it. except they barely asked any microb (which was the point of the exam!!). zzzz. clearly one can NEVER win.

a time for everything



rain's songs absolutely make my day! altho if i wanna go running i probably shouldnt listen to rainsongs. HAHA.

Sunday, January 16, 2011



when i looked up, i discovered that i dont have a single original thought in my head. it is full of mr browse, and mr talleys, and mr connor. reccently there have been disjuncts between what i WANT to feel (cf, the pretty pic above) and what i do feel. once this ca is over, i am going to spend the whole day immersed in a sea of very non-medical words. medicine is about living, true. but there must be a
reason to be alive, for you to want to live & i feel that v strongly.

does anyone know if we need to know the murmur shiz? it is driving me crazy :(

Saturday, January 15, 2011

just do it



the other day, i found that the poem of the day i always get in my inbox was called pericardium. hehh.

i want to make blackberry tarts, coffee cake and pineapple tarts. i want to go running, swimming, cycling, jazz classes, play badminton, salsa, jive, swing dancing. i want to read haruki murakami. i want to start painting again. i want to write poetry again. (but then i think that i have to be substantially unhappy to write poetry which is not something i particularly want.)

yet today was suffused with contentment. maybe it was the softness that the rain brings.


listening to on repeat: dbsk - keep your head down

Friday, January 14, 2011

good day (IU)



i like the parrot. haha!
SPENT THE WHOLE DAY ON 13 POTS. they better ask sth from the kidney.

i am not sleepy... i am not sleepy...

currently listening to: My Dream by MBLAQ

(probably a bad idea considering how awfully sleepy i am.)

actually, i cant understand anything much other than "this is my dream!!" popping out at seemingly random times. (let's ignore the equal proportion of "it WAS my dream") but its pretty motivating right now! doing liver which always makes me want to tear my hair out. if anyone gets the intra-hepatic/ extra-hepatic bile duct thing, please let me know.

this is my dream/ this is my soul/ it is my reason
very true :)

note: at 2am in the morning, nat and i concur that we both love neuro very very much!! seriously. brain pictures make me SO happy. okay, maybe T1, T2*W MRI pictures make me feel slightly depressed hahahaha but apart from that it's all good! and you never know, my research proj might one day see the light of day?? maybe this is a SIGN that i should do neuro next time, for REAL?! hahaha.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

spot the difference

you know what this feels like. it's like spot the difference games you play as a kid. only now, you have to memorize the original picture, then they give you a different picture aaaaand SPOT THE DIFFERENCE!

also i am filling up my computer's hard drive with all kinds of versions of patho pictures sent around by increasingly desperate and kind (???? maybe they want good karma. i really dont know.) people. and notes, etc. and it just made me laugh cos i realise i'm also filling up my own mental hard drive.

i really hope neither runs out of space anytime soon.
1) sorry for the spam (if there actually still exists anyone who reads this, heh), exams bore me out of my mind and narrow my social circle down to 0 so i have noo choice but to rant here. also coz, if i did sit down and whine nonstop to anyone, it would be PERMANENTLY 0 =p exams make me a terrible person to be around so i consciously try and stay away from humankind.

2) WORST MOST HORRIFIC RUN IN HISTORY. yesterday morning's was actually okay i think. i did a 50 min run round the main road to the market and home. but pretty nice change in scenery. except that i was so slow, and took so many breaks, that my dad actually caught up with me (and informed me i was slow). heh. all i could think off the entire time was WHY IS THE STOMACH SO WELL INNERVATED?! and pain pain pain. SO annoying, my legs didn't hurt at all, not even now -_-. oh well, maybe i'll give it another shot tomorrow. i actually really like the time of day when i throw aside all my cares and worries , as in literally throw down the set of notes i've been catatonically staring at, and run out the door. but i don't like coming home when the sky is dark, drained of all my energies, and having to set out, or being all fired up to go but literally having it rain on my parade. anyway, the endpoint of all this is that now i'm in sg, i think i'm going to train properly for the half-marathon in june/aug/somewhere there, i can't remember, and aim for a sub 2 hr time. i thiink i've done 2:20?? before or possibly less but it's been ages. why? no reason other than i just like having something to aim for rather than academics.

that said, tonight's agenda is
1) liver pots
2) renal pots
3) thyroid pots

ambitious yo.
i wonder if the haematopoietic system is poetic?
hahahaha sorry, just had to say that.


also cute pic! but... dextrocardia??

lymph nodes

and the liver are the order of the day. except my circardian rhythms now go from 12 noon to 3am, apparently. so if you consider that a DAY.



i know this EXAM! PANIC! ARGH thing is getting a bit old, but unfortunately no matter how cliche it may be, the seriousness of it never abates. well-meaning friends keep giving me loads of helpful study aids in emails, but this only serves to freak me out further. i need to keep my head down, focus and finish my study plan. if not, i dont have an ounce of a chance. i hope we get easy things in the ospe. haha! OSPE is this horrible thing where they put what they call POTS in front of you - preserved pathology specimens, and you have to answer a barrage of questions like what it is, complications, aetiology, and gross AND histological appearance. it would be fine if there weren't millions of pots. *complain complain*. exams i take seem to bend the properties of time, space, and possibility, to ALL be the most difficult exams i have ever taken at THAT point in time.

anyway, all i ask for is that i manage to go thru everything once, and have time to look over the earlier stuff in the 2 days before (read: finish first round 2 days before, not 2 mins before exam). then whatever happens is at the mercy of God, literally.

and i probably shouldn't have watched v for vendetta until 2am... hahaha. well it was a very good movie! i really liked v, how did hugo weaving manage to do it without showing facial expressions at all?! and lovely british accents. i also liked the detective guy. and did you know that evey's name is pronounced as E-V; E being the 5th letter of the alphabet. i love alan moore. ALSO, stephen fry as the tv show host who took evey in, and did this brazenly funny parody of the dictator-dude was v cool. sigh, i guess you can bend all the usual terrorism is bad commonsense logic for v... haha. it was a good think about the rights and the wrongs of things. like a review article? said - "v is clearly a terrorist, and that clearly should not be condoned". if you realise, although the audience would be sympathetic towards him (it being the job of the film), no-one else in the film actually agrees with him. the sheep-like public, repressed etc obviously do, but evey tries to stop him right till the end (the scenes where they express their love for each other are heartbreaking.). but oh well. food for thought. i guess society now isnt QUITE as big-brother-owellian as the dystopian one in the movie.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

nichole nordeman - i am

Pencil marks on a wall
I wasn't always this tall,
You scattered some monsters from beneath my bed,
You watched my team win,
You watched my team lose,
You watched when my bicycle went down again,

CHORUS:
And When I was weak unable to speak,
still I could call You by name,
and I said “Elbow healer, Superhero,
come if You can,” and You said “I am”

Only 16, life is so mean, what kind of curfew is at ten PM
You saw my mistakes, You watched my heart break
Heard when I swore I’d never love again

CHORUS:
When I was weak, unable to speak,
still I could call You by name,
and I said “Heart-ache Healer, Secret-keeper,
be my Best Friend” and You said “I am”

You saw me wear white, by pale candlelight,
I said forever to what lies ahead
two kids and a dream, with kids that can scream
too much it might seem when it’s two AM

CHORUS:
when I am weak, unable to speak,
still I will call You by name.
“Oh Shepherd, Savior, Pasture-maker,
hold on to my hand,” and You say “I am.”

The winds of change,
And circumstance blow in and all around
us so we find a foothold that’s familiar,
And bless the moments that we feel You nearer
Life had begun, I was woven and spun,
You let the angels dance around the throne, who can say when,
But they’ll dance again, when I am free and finally headed home

CHORUS:
I will be weak, unable to speak,
still I will call You by name
“Creator, Maker, Life-sustainer,
Comforter, Healer, My Redeemer,
Lord and King, Beginning and
the End, I am, yes, I am.”
~

yeah. so basically, despite all these religious bible quotes and all, i am (legitimately, btw) feeling crappy today. on the bright side, i know i'm not going mad with wanting to just SLEEP all day long and have unexplained stomachaches etc etc. good. not mad. always good to know that. unfortunately, i just feel RIDICULOUSLY PISSY. which is precisely why i need the quotes to remind me that there is Good in life, etc etc. yknow, there is hope, i may actually not crumble into puddles of nothingness/ puddles of shittiness after all.

any other time it would be fine, i would just give myself the day off and spend it happily indulging in dramas, taking the excuse to buy yummy stuff to eat etc. but today i had the crazy idea that i would circumvent it and find a loophole by finishing everything!! before the cramps hit!! and then maybe- they wouldnt hit and i'd finish all tomorrow's stuff today!! well, i havent even finished the first thing. bone tumors are such a _____ to study, they seem to blend seamlessly into one another. but its also pretty depressing stuff, im sure its a _____ to have to of course. anyway it was the worst topic to pick to study when my brain feels like cotton wool, and all i want to do is watch grays, or himym, under the blankets, with unlimited supply of baked goods.

(oh one of them looks like a mushroom. osteochondroma if i'm not wrong. and osteosarcoma has a characteristic sunburst appearance! the main problem is that it's all so confusing. there's osteochondroma, enchondroma, osteosarcoma, chondrosarcoma etc etc... )

proverbs

16:3
Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed.

25:28
A person without self-control is like a city with broken-down walls.

19:2
Enthusiasm without knowledge is no good; haste makes mistakes.

Ephesians 4:16
He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love


what studying medicine always makes me think. although maybe PATHOLOGY precisely is rather the anti-thesis of this. haha. but there's a beauty even in the clinical examinations, in learning how to make spot diagnoses. CORRECTLY. so as not to MESS UP other people's lives. sitting on the sofa with 92.4 fm in the background, the piano with the photos arranged on it, with my shiny new talleys, with browse and its eight-year-old highlights and annotations, with my rainbow of highlighter-markers, seeing suddenly the importance and perfection of it all. i am neither happy nor unhappy in this moment. i just am. this is what i was made for, and i know it.

fish for people



from http://www.fishforpeople.net

When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.
-Isaiah 43:2

Farmers who wait for perfect weather never plant. If they watch every cloud, they never harvest.
ecclesiastes 11:4

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

right now, i want to do this


but my brain feels like

right now.

it's all just very stuffed-up. but for some reason, i just feel so, so urghhhhh. think i was just trying SO VERY HARD at everything, to balance it all out. how ironic. today i just basically did little bits of nothing. and i can't say it feels good but i feel much less... pressured, to make every second count. ok. i lie. i still feel stuffed-up. please. not flu. but some things have happened, little rainbows amidst the mud. sea-creatures popping up; seeing everyone trying to fuel themselves with cookies.

i can handle life but i cant do it if my head feels stuffed up. anyway. making a timetable now. just wanted to say that i read on a friend's blog something that really resonated with me, and that i am quite zzz about this whole, chatting away thingy, and i think i have no right to hold these conversations with the universe. so basically your ways are higher, i have NO IDEAwhat they are, and neither will i speculate anymore. and i suppose.

now my prayer is, God just clear my mind of all these random distractions and help me fulfil my calling; help me to become a better person everyday, and to go to sleep knowing i have done the best i can. help me to wake up the next day not feeling hungover from nothing at all. thank you. me

because it is very very hard to try and study, when my brain feels like this

Monday, January 10, 2011

spent today dithering like a pendulum. seriously. i walked to the bus-stop fully intending to go home TWICE. in the rain (this probably accounts for why i feel like i'm going to get the flu any minute now). and now i'm in the library. which is far from home. i need a teleporting system between uni and my house. instead of waitings for lifts that come at funny times, or waiting for shuttle buses. (free shuttle buses seem doomed to be the bane of my life)

anyway, as aforementioned, i feel ludicrously shitty in a flu-like way GAH BAD TIME, also i can see that my batchmates have FINISHED THE TWO BONE LECTURES WE JUST HAD THIS MORNING!!!

granted a) i am fully capable of doing so (since we ended at 1+ and it is now 7pm) and b) it is my own choice to wait one day coz i find that if i forget a little, then i'm more eager to read up around it in robbins and less sian about it over and c) i REALLY dont feel like it after the torture my brain went through in the 2 hours this morning.

excuses, excuses. anyway it just makes me feel GUILTY.
i did do a really thorough lecture on shortness of breath and a really quick one on diarrhoea though. the sob one was pretty cool, i never really understood the crackles and crepitations/ rhonchi/ wheezes shiz. or the chest expansion blablabla.
basically crepitations are high-pitched crackles and rhonchi are high pitched wheezes

the lung should be resonant; if it's hyperresonant, then it's a hollow structure eg bowel, or a PNEUMOTHORAX, if it's dull, it's a solid area eg liver/ consolidated lung eg PNEUMONIA/ collapsed lung/ fibrosis, if it's REALLY DULL = pleural effusion.

there's more, but i doubt anyone wants to hear it!
YES lift home now. i really need to win the lottery and buy a car. oh and re-learn how to drive. crap. tomorrow is v thwarted rosary, somehow get vv late notes to the class (please dont kill me guys), and LAST FOUR LECTURES. YESSS!!

i will totally go home and watch tv after that

Sunday, January 9, 2011



the menu for today should read
1) cinnamon rolls
2) banana pancakes (haha, just kidding, but i love that song)
3) starbucks toffee nut latte (the starbucks brand can never fold!! i support it even more fervently than random kpop bands even, that is how much i love it)

unfortunately, it consists of...
day-old pbp lectures. actually, month old. im sure i wrote somewhere before "FINISH ALL PBP TODAY!!" so innocent, so idealistic
1) abdominal pain
2) GI obstruction
3) shortness of breath
4) tumors/ swelling

realised that actually, much as i may moan about what i dont have, i'm actually okay with my lot in life. like i kind of accept the things i dont like about myself; it can get sucky, but it's generally fine. what i really hate is myself, when i don't try hard enough. when things get to me more than they should.

anyway, had a pretty good chat with r last night, which helped me clear up a lot of stuff :)

Saturday, January 8, 2011

the pot (of gold) at the end of the rainbow

all the patho pot images uploaded online somewhere (if you want to know where, you'd have to go questing for it! =p)

THANK YOU GOOD SAMARITAN SENIOR!! i have no idea who you are, but may your days always be happy and bright and random good things befall you. or something.

on that note, some time ago i declared i was looking for the pot at the end of the rainbow, HAHAHAHA. you know, i do believe firmly that one should be careful what one asks for =p but in this case it is GOOD.

always enough

saturday morning shennigans (not) include finishing all the pbp lectures on the abdomen. have just finished a really scincilliating one on gi bleeding... for whoever's interested, that's divided into upper and lower gi bleeding by the ligament of treitz. common causes of upper GI bleed include gastric/ duodenal ulcers, esophageal varices, or mallory-weiss tears! and for lower gi, colonic diverticulosis/ neoplasia/ IBD, and angiodysplasias (whatever that is). oh and ALWAYS DO A DIGITAL RECTAL EXAM!!

in other news, i am halfway through v for vendetta :)

choices are neverending. i always have been one to choose happiness, and i dont think that is wrong. cos even if i were to say yes, would i/ everyone be happy? life is really too short to spend on doing things that you feel uncomfortable with. and given how much i have gone through thus far, this is just a blip in the scheme of things. eh. i think. actually i dont ever know what is the right thing to do. but for now, this gives me peace. and i really hope, that this wish will be respected. it wasn't a clear-cut decision or something i could decide on right away either. but it is something ive had to do. in my life i've made rather a lot of snap decisions/ stupid ones/ outrageous ones, that stirred things up and generally made things really messy for everyone involved. and ive also been SUBJECT to external forces guiding my choices (ie: no choice). so this is not something i regard LIGHTLY, but it can be resolved better than past choices i've made. in a way i'm also quite immune to feeling bad, but also it's like a sour feeling of 'oh no, here we go again'... and apprehension, and just wanting to go with the flow. but everytime i say yes, i realise i really mean no. so that's the final answer. if that's unacceptable then i think that precisely validates my choice as being the right one, in the long run.

speaking of long runs, i REALLY WANT TO DO A LONG RUN. to the botanics and back!! inertia foils me though...

by casting crowns
In a dry and weary land
Lord, You are the rain
In a sea of shattered ones
Your love comes rushing in

You hold the world within Your hands
And see each tear that falls
Through every fire and every storm
You're always enough, always enough

Your love is peace to the broken
Faith for the widow, hope for the orphan, strength for the weak
Your love is the anthem of nations, rings out through the ages
And You're always enough for me

You keep my heart in perfect peace
My life is in Your hands
When confusion hides my way
You're always enough, always enough


In a dry and weary land
Lord, You are the rain

Friday, January 7, 2011

in the blink of an eye

You put me here for a reason
You have a mission for me
You knew my name and you called it
long before I learnt to breathe

Sometimes I feel dissappointed
by the way I spend my time

how can I further your kingdom
when I'm so wrapped up in mine

There's a reason why I'm alive
for the blink of an eye

Though I'm living a good life
can my life be something great
I have to answer the question
before it's too late
~

The ULTIMATE motivating song.
"sometimes i feel dissappointed by the way i spend my time" = TELL ME ABOUT IT
caught between the decision of whether to clearly study the stuff marked out **will come out in exam!!** or go thoroughly through everything, for radiology. it's actually very interesting! and if you think about it we depend far -too- much on radiological investigations like the CT/ MRI/ CXR etc etc. it brings a whole new dimension to medicine.

in fact all of medicine sometimes seems like magic to me, the more i study it. being able to see inside the body, being able to tell what's wrong with people from the multitude of signs manifesting - bulging eyes/ finger clubbing etc is so fascinating. in a way, this is all like a Big Test. things used to be so easily exciting, because of how new they all were. now, although definitely it's still new stuff, the sheer amount of work involved does have a way of tampering down all that childish *omg i'm studying about the heart now!!* so thank you radiology, with all your cool signs like hampton's hump/ signet ring sign/ westermark sign/ fleishner's sign that made me rediscover the coolness in what i'm doing. i dont think i would be a radiologist though, but i definitely have tons more respect and admiration for the specialty. it is DIFFICULT to see all the stuff.

yesterday was traumatising; i thought school would end at 1pm BUT IT ENDED AT 5PM!!!! im sure its really good value for money blahblahblah but ehhh....

two weeks more to d-day no. 2. i think i have generalized traumatization, or maybe pstd from the last round so i dont feel anything! hooray. managed to squeeze in a quick rosary with annthea on mon so that was nice :) maybe that's why i'm so calm. or maybe my zen-ness is a HARBINGER OF DOOM yes that seems more likely. ok seeing as im skipping the haematuria lecture... MUST STUDY arghh

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

it is what it is - lifehouse

God really does work in very mysterious ways. a friend's story of how God works in her life, that ensued from aninnocuous how-are-you catch up really moved and amazed me. although i am really close to her, we usually dont talk much about the religious aspects of our lives. so this is the first time i heard about the ways that she decided her future, and will be deciding the rest of her life. her faith gave me faith.

sometimes i feel as if people can't overcome the great weight of history. but then again, now i'm not currently involved in any dramas, i like feeling like a fly on the wall. ive come to accept that whatever happens, happens.

Monday, January 3, 2011

is ridiculously tired, and it's only the first day of school...

but but... 8k plus 15 mins of drills which i havent done in ages makes me happy and hyper. or maybe its the old town coffee i just drank at 11pm, okay, bad idea.

random gem from the guys - r got everyone postcards from the holy land, and he gave c one with a picture of the dead sea. LOLOL. after that, c asked everyone what picture they got. tharshan got the wailing wall =p.

some wordsworth
And students with their pensive citadels;
Maids at the wheel, the weaver at his loom,
Sit blithe and happy; bees that soar for bloom,
High as the highest Peak of Furness-fells,
Will murmur by the hour in foxglove bells:
In truth the prison, unto which we doom
Ourselves, no prison is:

Sunday, January 2, 2011

right

enough with the reflections & on with life...

had quite a nice day today with biscotti + sumatra blend at coffee bean with may! and liver pathology, and still may at the bishan library! then watched "joy to the world", as in the house episode, and mass! and then dinner- roast chicken with potatoes and carrots. seriously the best carrots ever, and i dont even like carrots!

between 9.30 pm and 10.30 pm, i have to...
1) finish respi pots
2) finish gi pots
3) email updated finalized versions of respi/ gi/ cv pots AND notes to myself
4) scan in my really outdated electricity bill so i can finally get the money back *sorry guys for being soo lag!!*

then wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed (not) to RUN, make it to school in time for the rosary
somehow stay awake until patho tut ends at 4.30, then hightail it off to an undetermined location to type ALL the notes on thyroid out. or maybe i will lag everything by one day and take tomorrow to finish up the liver notes.

not sure if my thumbdrive is part of this grand conspiracy to make me study more by constantly typing and retyping my notes... i think the only thing it'll give me is carpel tunnel syndrome..

Saturday, January 1, 2011

thoughts

61 questions! koped from some random blog. well not 61, i only answered the ones i felt like. haha. as to why i bothered with this - partly i feel compelled to dissect this yr, i have NO idea why, and partly, im bored and dont wanna study now!

1) Was 2010 a good year for you? overall yes.

2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
the osce exam/ getting the call/ my 21st at home/ EVERY TIME I FINISHED AN EXAM AND TASTED FREEDOM/ any time i was dancing.

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
sitting in the stairway of hugh robson crying and having random people walk past and give me odd looks.
4) Where were you when 2010 began? cant rmb, prob enjoying dec hols at home!
5) Who were you with? family?

10) Did you make any new friends in 2010?
oh definitely!! :)
11) Who are your favorite new friends?
colin and also chinmaya, ravi, hanyu, praba, huishan! and cms people!

12) What was your favorite month of 2010?
hmm... it would have to be feb (refer to earlier posts)

13) Did you go abroad in 2010?
hoho, indeed i did.

14) How many different states did you travel to in 2010?
edinburgh & france.

16) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
oh boy. dont get me started.

17) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2010?
avatar was pretty cool! harry potter too... haha, i didn't watch thaat many movies. perhaps sex& the city for the company and overall hilarity. (matt was sitting next to me laughing REALLY LOUDLY V OFTEN heh esp at the nanny's boobs. HAHAHA)

18) What was your favorite album from 2010?
dont keep up with music that much, but katy perry's newest album! i love teenage dream and firework especially.

21) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2010?
does tiramisu/ wine tasting i didn't swallow/ helping out at manyun's 21st count? ;p

22) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2010?
yeah... notes on drugs =p also, "hey i'm gonna do drugs now =p" is prolly my most oft-used goodbye on msn, and the lamest!!

23) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
hmm. when i look at the big picture, probably not. think i've confessed it all so my conscience is clear!

24) What was the biggest lie you told in 2010?
"okok i'm very busy, going to study now" SIGH. haha.

25) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2010?
the thing which i should have suspected but didnt, and got a really, really unpleasant surprise about. time will tell if it is okay

26) Did you treat somebody badly in 2010? hm. probably. :(
27) Did somebody treat you badly in 2010? definitely. one of the more outstanding instances is one where i just randomly got sucked into a whirlpool of drama i really didnt want or ask for. and to drag d into it is just low.

28) How much money did you spend in 2010?
gahh too much probably. i just got back my baking stuff from ivy, I BOUGHT SO MANY RANDOM THINGS. and magazines.

29) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2010?
MAKING THE ANNOUNCEMENT TO THE CLASS and being more nervous than i've ever been in my ENTIRE LIFE and having tim barkham helpfully tell me (in his usual way) "you asked if i could pass you the microphone but i hadnt said yes yet!" thereby throwing me completely off stride? definitely. haha.

30.) What is one thing you did in 2010 that you’d never done before?
eat yongtaufoo in nus science canteen.

32.) What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
dedication to medicine and a distraction-free mind! oh,and a _________ ;p hehehe lets see if THAT comes true...

34.) What was your biggest achievement of the year? apart from the obvious... i think it would be MAINTAINING SANITY and making carbonara!! and maturing as a person.

35.) What was your biggest failure?
losing faith easily, and the ridiculous mark for anat in my year 2 finals?!!!

36.) Did you suffer illness or injury?
not really. except a lot of random stomach cramps at inopportune times. oh and flu a few times.

37.) What was the best thing you bought?
pretty pretty bedsheets at ikea with roses on them!

38.) Whose behavior merited celebration?
i think may & jensen, for possibly being the 2 people to have heard most of my nonsense (and i have come up with more nonsense than ever this past 2 yrs), and LAME JOKES. and for laughing at my jokes/ antics the majority of the time :) and for forgiving me for alot of things (being my flatmate cant be easy =p) and also ivy for being my primary confidante in edin (as in when i couch things in more mature/ religious terms) and for always encouraging me and being like a big sister to me. and also matthew gooi, weiyang, and colin, for listening to a lot of my angst and always brightening it up in their own ways. and chinmaya & ravi for being the kindest & most understanding & most approachable and welcoming people on this earth.

41.) What did you get really, really, really excited about?
research projects! neurosurgery ssc! CLINICALS. korean dramas, glee!

42.) Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or hardened? happier, but only because i am so hardened i dont even bother being sad about things anymore. ie, no feelings yo.
b) thinner or fatter? oh thinner definitely
c) richer or poorer? technically i dont even HAVE a bank acc i can draw money from now, so poorer? hehe.

43.) What do you wish you’d done more of? STUDY/ run/ bake/ dance
44.) What do you wish you’d done less of? watch tv!! eat?
45.) How did you spend Christmas?
christmas carolling & mass & family lunch

46.) Did you fall in love in 2010?
yes!! with jang guen suk, rain, hyun bin, oska... the list is endless hehe

48.) What was your favorite TV program? how i met your mother!!
49.) Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? not right now, but at some point in the near past, possibly.

50.) What was the best book you read? year of the flood/ oryx and crake by margaret atwood.
51.) What was your greatest musical discovery? listened more to lifehouse which was AWESOME. apart from that, kpop??

52.) What did you want and get? :)
53.) What did you want and not get? love as portrayed in korean dramas hahaha (c.f katy perry: not like the movies)

54.) What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
friends surprised me with cake & a bear, and had an amazing fairytale cake at home. 21!
55.) What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
keeping all my friendships intact. not getting sidetracked by the crush-from-hell. also, doing ridiculously well in studies woulda been nicee.

56.) How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
ehh. whatever seems the most random/ colorful/ arty. failing that - my black jacket/ edinburgh medics hoodie/ singsoc hoodie as the ultimate cover up (not).

57.) What kept you sane? religion/ pccf/ friends/ poetry/ baking/ running
58.) Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? jang guen suk! i actually printed pictures of him and pasted it on my wall =p

59.) What song will always remind you of 2010?
you watched my team win
you watched my team lose

"i'm giving all my secrets away"- one republic, secrets

60.) Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010?
to always be grateful for what you have, and to try and find your inner strength instead of depending on others for emotional support. and to find happiness whenever and whereever you can. and to RUN WHEN YOU CAN. coz running is good.

61.) Quote a song lyric that sums up the year.
"you make me feel like it's a teenage dream...
dont ever look back, dont ever look back"
- katy perry's teenage dream
"i'm moving on"
- Rascal Flatts
life thus far:
met up with edin people for jap food + good company :) unfortunately, after that, ordered earl grey bubble tea... without bubbles. i got confused by the special 3s jelly (???), whatever it is. will go back to ps to get more though, i heart bubble tea! what more can be said except that they are all lovely lovely people who mean a lot to me and who have helped me immensely both in day to day things/ growth as a christian and just to become a better person! also that matthew gooi is HILARIOUS as always. heh.

breakfast at coffee club, what better way to kick off the new year. baked egg + salmon and some intriguing looking bruschetta. and of course coffee. then to starbucks for chai latte, my favourite drink in the entire universe, and some quality study time and, ehh, watching of the sorcerer's apprentice. OOPS. it's a really good movie though!!

the other night i watched enchanted too, which is v v good. (yeah whats with all the fantasy-themed stuff?! not sure). enchanted was good cos of how giselle was so starry-eyed about love, and that contrasted starkly with the cynicism of everyone around her. i love how she got the couple who wanted to divorce back together!! and how every morning she would cut a pretty dress out of patrick dempsey's curtains/ carpets. also the dancing through central park going "how does she know that you love her" with a jamican-inspired beat was priceless. and how patrick demsey's ex-girlfriend happily ran off with the prince to animated 2-d land (got over him quite quickly eh), and her PHONE RANG during the wedding ceremony. just great subversion. and how the prince was just SO narcissictic. the chipmunk was trying to do charades about how the evil sidekick of the queen was trying to kill giselle, and he was like, oh, do you mean, you're so happy to see me you could die?.

ALSO how he was watching tv and thought it was a magic mirror. that was brilliant.
prince: oh magic mirror, tell me something about my giselle!
tv *cuts to news report about giselle who had created some hullaballoo in town*
prince: thank you magic mirror!! where exactly is my giselle, tell me?
tv *news reporter says: reporting from ____ on broadway!*
prince: THANK YOU MAGIC MIRROR!! *kisses tv*

as for the sorcerer's apprentice, heartwarming love stories aside, i really liked the evil guy's apprentice dude, who was a modern magician/ entertainer, and had the cutest accent!! and also this really chillax attitude. he looks a lot like adam lambert for some reason too! can't really explain it, but everytime he appeared, even though it was usually some serious fight scene, it just made it seem non-threatening and comedic ;p like he was fighting the sorcerer's apprentice in the bathroom, and he was like "eh. are YOU the prime merlinean?! doesn't look like much!!" and the guy tried to fight him back with magic but failed. so he was like "not very good, are you. have you cleared your mind???" which was so cute! it was like two apprentices helping each other out with homework/ skill improving.

also, today is SERIOUSLY COLD. i felt like it was christmas when studying in starbucks. christmas in the UK to be precise. THAT COLD. i actually had to come home and warm my feet under my blanket?!!