About Me

Friday, April 29, 2011

shampoo :)



yesterday was really nothing but EMONESS. unfortunately, the sentiments were not wrong. but it's okay; i strongly believe in a good bout of emoing in order to live life happily the other 99% of the time :)

that said, i didnt know that would upset me SO MUCH. in all my life, i never ever suspected that that would even have a shadow of an impact on me.

there's a sense of satisfaction in knowing that this is the way it was meant to be, etc, but that sort of is overshadowed when you realise all the puzzle pieces fell into place for EVERYONE ELSE, not myself. & i still need to sit here & wonder why. yeah. sort of takes the lustre out of things.

but in any case, i will finish my duty this weekend, then BOOK A HOLIDAY SOMEWHERE.

andand today i will be supawoman!! i can feel it already.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

by 10cm

it's snowing
Up above the cloud-like snow drops of snow
through the window
People remember pictures of people sitting in the same melt
Walking
A year ago and I am your eyes on the streets and has hidden it work
Remember the light come through me like a year more sick

The past as past heart
Me and my beautiful one day, I'm afraid they melt I'm scared
eye drops way above the snow through the window
People remember pictures of people sitting in the same melt Walking

4am
Trapped in a niche strangely warm cracked windows
I still remember that winter night with the stars
Shame on blankets in the cold of love foggy
Remember Remember the sky gesture

Poured into a star, we lean legs walking hand in hand
Facing the most beautiful walk down the street who looked at the moment

The moon, the night, containing a small picture of me at that time
Grown in the romantic dreams of the past, I feel dizzy

Dawn to hit the street, strangely sweet
Still remember the smell of coffee vending machines
Obscured in the dust on the icy road and a cat that knew what to do
Remember, remember the cries of the salgaun

Lean your hands slowly poured into a bridge, we put a star
Walk down the street facing the most unfortunate moment, staring at the

The moon, the night, containing a small picture of me at that time
Grown in the romantic dreams of the past, I feel dizzy

Gone past the last picture story
Vague feeling of vague dreams of romantic love scene
Faint smoke and dry in the morning I open my eyes
Unfortunate that the most beautiful scenery
More sad voices ring in my ears
I miss the most beautiful at that moment more
More fearful

Slowly poured into a bridge, we put the stars walking the thin hands
Difficult, but who looked the most beautiful moment
The moon, the night, containing a small picture of me at that time
Grown in the romantic dreams of the past, I feel dizzy
I am grown up I feel dizzy

epiphany

as predicted, sunday 6pm was a phenomenal turning point
somewhere between struggling with the pronounciation of three and trees (who puts those so near to each other in a sentence....) & my usual messingsup (i remember one year i made an announcement about line dancing and fr les was like, by the way, she said line dancing, not LION DANCING & the entire congregation had a laugh at my expense. heh)

i realized it was three years since that traumatic easter

for all the significance i attach to that number, i hadnt actually realized that until that moment. three days after, it is easter sunday. in those three years, have i denied him, like Peter? (yes, and more than three times) have i believed? (sometimes). but it still happened. times like this, niggling problems seem... like nothing. i realize that my occasional discontents with life are due to maslow's hierachy of needs. i mean i have trouble keeping my room neat, but i'm so blessed to have so much stuff. to have so many clothes i cant figure out where to put everything... it's practically a sin lah. that said, i really need to buy more clothes for clinical wear. but... i cant rly bring myself to, just yet. i want to look like a supermodel & it upsets me that i really cant no matter what i do (for the record, ive not tried anorexia, simply becos i love brownies too much. hey they do signify everything good in life. and MOCHI. ahh alll my downfalls). but hey, at least im not starving. at least i dont have some horrible disease that manifests as loss of weight. haha. (too much hist. taking).

so, no. i am no saint & i cant really say i accept my never-perfect life. but... as long as you remember that you will always be slightly discontented with SOMETHING, then what makes you content might, perhaps, start to suffice
GAHHH. as it turns out, slacking is possible, but highly frowned upon in by most of society. yadda yadda shouldnt care about what others think but anyway there is STUFF TO BE DONE. not feeling like you wanna do it doesnt change anyything :(

that said: sg wannabe's sunflower :) since clearly i like sunflowers, i got quite excited to check this mv out.



highlights: the guy RIDING A WHITE HORSE. the girl... turning into a cat? the lyrics being awesome e.g my love that will get wet with me in the rain. hahahaha. the heart-shapes in the clouds :):)

time is ticking away & i am missing the apr 27th airline promotion thingummy BECAUSE I AM AN IDIOT and didnt sort out some stuff i should have. sighs. anyway i have GRANDPLANS for this weekend & i will FULFIL THEM. lovelies are coming home this summer too hopefully? this summer i will be a better friend. i know i never was, the past two years. im not even talking about what i do during termtime as i think that can nevaH be salvaged, what with all my last-min flurries. but yea there is always so much stuff to do in sucha short time that i never quite manage to see the lovelies enoughh. I WILL NOW THOUGHH. and bake cinnamon rolls. wahaha

Monday, April 25, 2011

reflexes

maybe, the knee-jerk response to things isnt always the RIGHT one

~
glorious day of doing absolutely nothing. there's always this hectic buzz of LATE NOW! HAVE TO GO! MUST STUDY! MUST DO THIS BY THIS TIME! & the background music of my thoughts & all the silly broken record-players going off. today is just a chillaxx day and it is nice

also, went down to nus to return eliza her (unused) tendon tapper & bumped into some old friends as well. and saw the residency results of the graduating m5s... STRESS. somehow i dont think i'll get residency. only < half the class gets it right. but anyway if there's anything i learnt, it's that... if God wants you to get it, you will. putting in the effort is also something i take for granted, as in, its pretty unlikely that i would just refuse to try. because, lol, i ALWAYS put in my best effort. even if it doesnt match up to that of others, at least i know i've done what i could. as for my realization that at 3-4pm i just want to go home without clerking anymore, as my cg mate said when i told her "i never realized before i was so lazy! i thought i'd be like a clerking energizer bunny!" - "that's just you being human!" BUT YES. HARDWORKING, next year. for now - r&r yo. and if i really dont get the other stuff i might try psych, it is actually pretty cool!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

circles

this year has been about many things coming full circle.

at 6pm today, the final circle will close, and i will be able to live my life with a fresh start, from today onwards

up til now, through thanksgivings and miracles, through self-doubt, despair, times of utter darkness and abandonment, through good things that i never expected coming to me, and through sadnesses i thought i had forgotten but clearly hadn't... i don't think i still fully understand anything

WHY am I on earth?
WHAT am i meant to do with my life?
WHO is the one God means to write my fairytale with (is there even anyone...)
WHEN will i be blissfully & eternally happy (i dont think, that eternal happiness is promised to us on this earth)
HOW am i to achieve what i think i am meant to achieve

i have theories as to why i have to go places at different times, why i met the people i met & the things they did in my life, but these are only theories. i have wishes & fantasies of the way things will go, but i am no crystal-ball gazer

but this, this is significant. He has fulfilled his promise a thousand times over. and so, for that, the other thing i still pray for, i dont feel any fear. it is impossible to, any more.

lightless

there is really nothing nicer than waking up at 6am and setting off for an effervescent 8k run with new songs in my ipod i think

you feel like you can conquer the world & like you are the happiest person that ever lived

but i have to say, if i were to climb a mountain broken-hearted and find this waiting for me at the top, it would be nice too. haha




sam soon: *screaming* it's all over now!!!!!
hyun bin: *appearing magically* WHO SAYS IT IS?! What took you so long to come, I've been waiting for hours

zomg. that was really sweet.
later on...samsoon: you're such a kid. who on earth brings choco pies to eat in the mountains?! dont think i'll sign your stupid contract just because you gave me your choco pies.
the contract, in the words of hyun bin: "jin hyun and sam soon can date for 1000 years. and skinship is ALLOWED"

and yes, i know my life is not a kdrama. its fortunate actually cos i dont want to have 20 episodes worth of DRAMA either hahaha.

i hate this love song

YAY HOLIDAYS. FOR REAL! actually ive been having one month of holiday already ;p

thursday - passed up chance to watch colorectal surg to... have a neuro tutorial with Edward our m4 mentor. oh well it was pretty good. saw a patient with parkinsons, and each of us got to do at least one lower/ upper limb exam. Then we found an empty bed & practiced bp taking on each other until the relatives of the patient in the opposite bed got interested so we ended up taking for all of them as well hahaha. also... those BOTH came out for the exam on saturday so it was WORTH IT. that said, i hope i pass ><

the exam itself was okay, but the extra distinction questions at the end were nerve wracking. "do you know the signs of left heart failure?" "er... nope?" x 6 stations = UGHH. I think it's pretty safe to say, no CSFC distinction for me! After history taking - "so, do you have ANY OTHER questions to ask the patient?" me "oh yes! sir do you have any drug allergy? have you travelled reccently? *spamming everything i forgot previously*" "ANYTHING else?" "nope" "do you know the patient's name" OWNED la.

blood pressure taking AFTER THE ENTIRE CV EXAM was also quite the bomb. i think they should have taken the medical student's blood pressure instead. a friend "oh i didnt take the blood pressure" me: "huh why?" friend "no time lor, so i just did the cv exam then walked out". HAHA. but he actually saw some of the sp/ drs at some catholic medical guild/ cms stuff before so KLEARLY i should have turned up more. talk about God being good yeah :)

then we were cooped up for 1.5 HOURS in the place -_- oddly enough, i ended up making friends with alicia & alycia during the very painful waiting time. lol! and got to chat with some friends i dont see often anymore, so that was nice!

things to do
1. submission for mingsee & jina's poetry anthology :) excited!
2. submit for qlrs again!
3. try and write something worthy of international anthologies (not much chance. but oh well)
4. make macaroons
5. call rbs. sigh. IF ONLY I HAD SETTLED IT WHEN I WAS THERE *stabs self* = DONE!! :):) finallyyy
6. email the relevant people
7. decide if i should travel, and if so where and WHEN. (italy? greece? switzerland?) EXPENSIVE YO.
8. PACK THE HOUSE. DONE YAY
9. buy new drawers/ shelves
10. buy all the diana wynne jones books i can find. (i seriously deserve a reward for surviving this year)
11. turn up for the church youth group at some point in time (oops)
12. WRITE THE GREAT SINGAPOREAN NOVEL. heh

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Remember me, I’m in dan-dan-dan-danger

morning bagels and, uhh... notes on gi bleeding. reccently ive been really obsessed with perfecting my gi bleeding history taking skillz, for reasons unknown. but anyway, pretty nice morning, until i discovered i have to drag myself back to sgh to give feedback SIGH. oh well. i should really practice bp taking anwyays.

i really want to sort out hol plans/ projects. there are things i CAN do but something always holds me back each time. i'm not really sure WHAT. whether it's my inner voice keeping me from doing stupid things or whether it's someone saving me from myself. but then again, i do so many stupid things i'm not sure there are any internal checks & balances going on... it's just so odd that someone so random should be completely paranoid about spontaneous things. perhaps it's a form of overcompensation - i know i have a tendancy to do things i shouldnt so when i have the chance to think about it, i try not to act fast. just pray that God will show me his plan for these two months & give me the courage to do something with my life, even in this short period, that makes it worthwhile & prepares me for what's ahead :)

one of my fav songs - IU's someday
I hope this tears will stop running someday
Someday after this darkness clear up
I hope the warm sunshine dries these tears

When I feel that I’m getting tired of looking at me exhausted
I want to give all my dreams I’ve kept hard
Every time I feel that I’m lacking in many things more than I have
I lost strength in my legs and drop down


I hope this tears will stop running someday
Someday after this darkness clear up
I hope the warm sunshine dries these tears

Everyday I hold out comforting myself “it’ll be alright”
But it makes me afraid little by little
I tell myself to believe in myself, but I don’t
Now I don’t know how longer I can hold out

But wait it’ll come
Although the night is long, the sun comes up
Someday my painful heart will get well

I hope it helps me now
I hope the God will help me

I don’t have enough confidence more and more to overcome myself

I hope this tears will stop running someday
Someday after this darkness clear up
I hope the warm sunshine dries these tears

Perhaps not to be is to be without your being


park bom's don't cry

another neruda gem. someone actually commented on poem hunter.com under pablo neruda "i love your poems!! keep it up and dont stop writing!!" HAHA the guy died in '73 lah

Perhaps not to be is to be without your being,
without your going, that cuts noon light
like a blue flower, without your passing
later through fog and stones,
without the torch you lift in your hand
that others may not see as golden,
that perhaps no one believed blossomed
the glowing origin of the rose,
without, in the end, your being, your coming
suddenly, inspiringly, to know my life,
blaze of the rose-tree, wheat of the breeze:
and it follows that I am, because you are:
it follows from ‘you are’, that I am, and we:
and, because of love, you will, I will,
We will, come to be.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

pinocchio

1. f(x)'s pinocchio came out!
2. got a lift in the morning! (dont have to wake up so early)
3. we had a pretty good abdo tut this morning (better than tuesday's HAHA) & i didnt answer anything egregiously wrongly
4. came back earlier than usual to consolidate stuff before the final exam on sat & i dont feel compelled/ need to go running or anything YESSS!!
5. am now listening to the pinocchio album, which i like muchly, and reading up on the pheochromocytoma case we saw the other day! yey
6. met terese just now in sgh :)

notes from the universe

Have you noticed, how lacking clarity is clarity itself?
How, if you aren't sure about something, that alone has meaning?
Honor uncertainty. It's the seed from which
all-knowingness comes.

Give it time.

Clearly,
The Universe

I'm not sure, but I think you needed that.


thanks, universe :)

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

on eagles' wings

omg i just typed out a lot a lot of funny stuff & emo stuff WHICH GOT DELETED soz i guess it wasnt meant to be posted GG. anyway i love this verse. it's from a pic of pccf retreat. MANY HAPPY MEMORIES YO. but as the (now deleted jokes) show i am also a happy bunny, TOO HAPPY actually they keep asking me if ive had frontal lobe trauma reccently nah sorry guys i really am that witty ahaha or lame, rather.


but those who wait on the Lord
shall renew their strength
they shall mount up with wings like eagles
they shall run and not be weary
they shall walk and not faint


colorectal tutor
"so... are you guys here for assessment, or to sing me a song?"
"how does tenesmus feel like? ask elizabeth to give you a PR and you'll know"
"how do i ask for change in bowel habits? in english lor"

cg mate: so... do you want to feel my pulse?
me: as in... your piles?

there is more, for another time! :)

Sunday, April 17, 2011

ode to broken things

Sonnet XVII

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this:

where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
— Pablo Neruda

wow. this is so so so pretty.

you see, there is no part 2 without part 1, and vice versa. there is this song, by switchfoot, called the call. and now i realise. i follow the call wherever it takes me. whatever it takes, i will do it.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

a line-storm song

The line-storm clouds fly tattered and swift,
The road is forlorn all day,
Where a myriad snowy quartz stones lift,
And the hoof-prints vanish away.

The birds have less to say for themselves
In the wood-world’s torn despair
Than now these numberless years the elves,
Although they are no less there:

There is the gale to urge behind
And bruit our singing down,
And the shallow waters aflutter with wind
From which to gather your gown.

(the prettier bits of robert frost's a line-storm song)
hahaha bruit reminds me of carotid bruits

reccently poetry has been awakening in me again, but for some reason i can't seem to gather enough images to put down the feelings on paper. maybe sg just literally isn't a very inspiring place lol. but nah that isnt an excuse. there was a rather !! moment when i wrote down "a half-eaten bowl of laksa" for no real reason than it just sounded good at the moment, then the next day when i'd gotten back from lunch & looked at my notebook i realised my friend had just eaten laksa for lunch. haha!

the one week of surg has, actually, consisted of no actual surgery watching. but lots of clinics! it really takes nerves (for me at least) to just walk into a clinic & ask if i can join! it's been quite good though, surgeons are generally very passionate about their job/ larger than life & this makes for interesting tutorials/ clinic sessions. it's also really nice of them to tell us we can join their clinics! can't really remember much but went for a varicose vein clinic & a breast clinic, as well as a gi surgery clinic, much of which i was forced to translate

helpful note, menses is called YUE JING, stomach is WEI, big intestine is DA CHANG.
the varicose vein clinic was a lucky break really in the sense that we called the tutor, got a recorded msg that he was having a tutorial, and actually LEFT, whereupon we realized he might have been referring to the tutorial he'd JUST given us. so we almost got foiled by our own tutorial. hehhh
been doing a lot of hopping around within the cg too which is nice, get to hang out with all the people :)

the colorectal surgeon actually entertained us all day during his endoscopy day which was really nice of him i think!! he actually autographed diagrams of the colorectal blood supply for the others! hahaha. complete with stamp. oh and after our shift in the endo place, upon being questioned about how the tutorial was, my cg mate's response was: shitty. HAHAHA. no la it was pretty cool. we did PRs and he got to put in a butterfly plug. and there was a v knowledgeable russian? eastern european duke-nus dude who was... very knowledgeable!
and then we went back on sat for a breast tutorial with a really lovely old lady who apologized that she couldnt really speak english. to which my cg mate promptly said "oh dont worry, she (ie me) cant really speak chinese either!" and my cg mate was kneeling on the ground to take history to the horror of the nurse. lol exciting times. ONE MORE WEEK TO HOLS nevertheless! YESSS. please let me pass CSFC!!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

all that i'm asking for

last night was weirdness of epic proportions

today: just arrived at the hosp when my cg decided to go to vivo for lunch! at thai express. and then b&j free cone day! i had a cookie affair :):) then we sat at the playground and did cranial nerves examinations

note to self: STOP WITH THE INNENDUOES!!! haha as most people will know, i have a serious problem with the lame puns & these days i dunno it seems more funny to say these things haha which is GOOD in a way. means i'm happier

just finished a 1 hr skype chat with nic (and 30mins with michelle yeo before that!) nic: you look much happier than the last time i saw you
me: *thinks* that was right before i got into nus!
nic: yes precisely eli. its sort of like... you belong there somehow

THANK YOU NIC.

ALSO today after the long excursion to vivo then came RESULT-HUNTING. basically i messed up my password so i spent many excruciating hours in which i was nearly driven to tears trying all sorts of combinations. with ipads/ iphones, etc. after a 5pm tutorial which didn't happen (quoth r: i'm not pissed off that we had a 5pm tutorial. i'm pissed off that we DIDN'T have it) then i came home... tried my password and got it on the first go -_- lol i guess i'm used to the typing it out on a keyboard coz the format is diff on an ipad/iphone. anyway i PASSED firstly and i did fine :) not perfect but it's okay cos i really was so worried the entire time. not because i really thought i would fail but because i reaaally want to be a third year student.

just now my friend asked me if i would rather him check the results for me then let me know if it was good or bad, and i remembered how in first year, for the first exam, my friend helped me check my results cos i was so nervous. heh. good memories.
for so long i thought i would never find the hollow which is eli-shaped. a space occupying lesion, so to speak. HAHA.

and yeah i havent forgotten the advice about the lame puns. then, and now. POINT NOTED, GUYS. WORKING ON IT. the thing is i havent been happy enough to bust them out until reccently i guess heh ;p

today was an unexpectedly happy day :):) cant decide if the company or the results are better, but perhaps... both are equally important. before i focused too much on either at different times which eh i think leads to the same endpoints but with a whole lot more angst so yeah there's always something to learn

furthermore, as nic said, we became friends during obs where there wasnt much else to do but row boats or talk, but as i further pointed out, there are plenty of people in my obs watch i DIDNT talk to then, and don't now either.

on that scattered note, going to watch the hernia video now

Saturday, April 9, 2011

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places." - Ernest Hemmingway

This quote has been on my mind lately; I realized the truth & wisdom behind it & it helps you to fear being broken, less. Cos it's like how scar tissue is stronger. You pull and it doesn't hurt anymore where you would expect it to.

but I never read the second half of the quote, which is:
"But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry."

LOL well a variation of what doesnt kill you makes you stronger, I guess. I'm neither very good/ gentle/ brave so I'm safe ;p But yeah I just really liked the idea that of being strong in the broken places :)

the song by the brave girls amuses me
"hands up high brave girls break your ankle" ?!! HAHA

anyway i realised i have been more happy than i have been in a SUPER LONG TIME. it probably comes from literally fitting in & picking a good cg, as well as the realization of a wish that took A VERY LONG TIME to happen. but seriously, things are all so random, i mean considering the universe operates on brownian motion/ entropy, that you can never expect TOTAL HAPPINESS even if logically it should be, so i have given up lazily expecting the best since like, forever. so im pleasantly surprised :):) and i like how we always see other cgs in the medical student lounge/ along hallways/ in the kopitiam & talk to them cos ordinarily i dont really chat to random people in the lt ( i believe in making random friends randomly cos if you force it its a bit funny i thiink. or maybe im just shy. HAHA).

the downside of medicine i am now realizing is it is really such a fulltime thing. i mean im not even on proper rotations yet cos this is only a foundation course but yet i feel so tired, & just want to recharge on the weekend, bum around, do things i like. i dont feel like embarking on huge house improvement projects/ painting murals on the roof of the sistine chapel/ anything which requires energy, you know? and this is only the BEGINNING. dont get me wrong, i love this more than anything else but im also feeling guilty for being a slug, so errr, what does one do? what will i do NEXT TIME when it gets busier, when more is actually expected of me?

i mean honestly my tutor probably thinks im really uninformed, which is absolutely right of him. actually he is pretty understanding & kind & its not like the questions he asks are very difficult i'm just NOOB butit doesnt have any big implications on my future. but my postings in yr3 onwards probably would have bigger importance & i'd need to be well prepared, not to mention electives/ student internship programme in year 5. how do people manage all these things :x

can i just say, i am GOING to be a useful member of society, so am i allowed to watch some movies now? hahaha.

baby don't cry

friday was AWESOME because big bang's special edition came out!! consequently, i was also late because i just HAD to listen to the songs in the morning

after all that anticipation though, i think i like daesung's baby dont cry the best!


his voice is really so smooth and heartfelt... it's like chocolate. the perfect song to emo to even if you arent really feeling emo/ to cheer yourself up with when you are! As for stupid liar & love song, what can i say, G-dragon is a genius. I have no idea when Big Bang is coming to sg, if ever, but I HAVE to meet them, and give them something to thank them for the happiness & encouragement their songs give me. It's not just fangirling at a cute boyband; they aren't really considered conventionally good looking anyway, it's more of their music having such a hugely positive influence on the goodness of life that you just have to thank them in some way or another. Maybe I'll make cupcakes with their names on it in korean! heh better practice. anyway. THANK YOU BIG BANG for coming up with awesome music, i love you guys!!

take me to where you are, a place with the moon & the stars

my wish at the wishing well is fast coming true. i wonder if it will, for real, cos that'd really be quite funny. strange how i wanted it so much then. the lanterns at the lake and all the random associated things i havent thought about for years. then suddenly things are falling into place. when i was younger my idea of happiness really was so simple. if it comes true, i am GOING BACK THERE AND MAKING MORE WISHES. haha.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

patience

There are a few patients we just seem to keep on bumping into in the hospital. Especially since our strategy seems to be to keep hanging around this particular ward cos that's our tutor's home ward & we're hoping he'll see us & give us an impromptu tutorial. (That really happened once!)

There's the Asthma Guy, the first guy we clerked, really nice dude. Then there's the AS auntie, who got discharged today! She was really happy to see us and was telling her son who came to pick her up that we always come visit her :) Good to know she'll have social support cos sadly, many of the people don't. There's also this old lady we keep going to with our tutors too. She's really amazing for many reasons I shan't dwelve into, and even though she's really old she's absolutely totally there, as evinced by the AMT (Abbreviated Mental Test) my cg mate did on her. Everytime she got something right everyone was just like... "yes!!". Heh.

Clerking so many patients over these 2 weeks has really made me reflect deeply about what it means to have rapport with people. Building rapport with people your age over fun activities & shared experiences... really doesn't prepare you for having to do the same with elderly people who frequently don't speak the same language, who are generally not in the best of moods because they're sick/tired, who probably have a completely different outlook on life, and basically completely different motivations from you. You want to learn from them and they just want to sleep or go home.

And furthermore, in real life, if you can't get along with people you dont have to hang out with them, so you may think you get along really well with everyone cos it's like a small sample size that has gone through natural selection. But in the wards, firstly it's pretty hard to find people who are awake/ healthy enough to actually undergo all the manouvers, and secondly you just HAVE to make yourself likeable to the person you are examining/ taking history from. There's no two ways about it! I suppose you could just walk away but that's not really the point cos you need to learn how to build rapport!

So yeah. Apparently in Singapore, asking if you've eaten breaks the ice really quickly. Perhaps it's my not-quite there chinese accent that gives me away but usually people just give me funny looks when I try that. Haha. It's like... why is this random girl I don't know asking me if I've eaten or not!

Newspapers are good shields too. Today I conducted an entire interview (with much information that turned out to be wrong when we had our geriatrics tutorial with the same patient in the afternoon) where the guy was concurrently reading his newspaper -_-.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are some patients that are just really friendly/ have instant & somewhat lasting connections... the sort that get happy when they see you the next day & wave at you... basically patients you make friends with, and there are patients that (rightfully so) just really dont want very much to be questioned or examined. And in truth, I completely understand where they are coming from cos I know that if any of my loved ones were in hospital I would really not like them to be swamped by noob med students. And sometimes when we are examining people I just feel really bad & don't even want to participate cos they look so sick/ in pain that I feel we shouldn't do it. Yet we need to know all these things, and we clearly have so many things to learn, that we NEED the exposure. Sigh. It's a struggle & I guess I just have to work on making my moves smoother so things go faster and the patient won't be so tired at the end of it all.

Anyway, one more loooong day of medicine where we try & clear all the backlogged tutorials and then it's the weekend! Also, we had a really hilarious cg discussion today, the content of which I REALLY should not replicate here. Somemore there were sooo many people sitting at the computer areas who overhead us. When we stopped laughing we could actually hear them still laughing ;p

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

random gems

me: hey have you seen michael?
classmate: *stunned look* do you mean meckel's diverticulum?

waiting for shuttle bus
cg mate: ... so, do you have any hobbies?
me: LOL yes! and for the record i dont have any pets
(background: it's part of the mini-CEX for history taking, and we specialize in slipping these questions in in the most random parts of history taking ;p)

our tutor is going to test us individually on the mini CEX-es tomorrow :X so this should be interesting, but probably it cant get any worse than the thyroid one i did in front of everyone else. for the record, i was able to perform it fine on r in the morning! the funny part came about when i conveniently used my thyroid exam crib sheet to test for fine tremors, and a bit too obviously peered at the paper, and thereafter started doing all the stuff i'd forgotten lol.

history taking of an elderly man with a fall (ps there are soo many of these in the wards that this is not ethically wrong i'm sure)
after 20 mins of chatting to him...
me: uncle, so... do you notice any changes in your speech?

percussing a bangladeshi construction worker for the respi exam
me: wow, you're really muscular! do you like... do weight lifting or something?
bangladeshi guy & tharshan: ....

anyway so i came back early from the hosp and have been productively watching tv oops. but i just watched the cranial nerve video, thereby reedeeming my day slightly i hope!

ps my cg mates are positively a well of hilarity but due to current sleep deprived state i have forgotten most of the stuff, lol such a shame! will update when i remember!

Saturday, April 2, 2011

say (all i need)

before i got into medical school, i used to devour blogs written by doctors/ medical students. when i read about the lives of anaesthesiologists, i wanted to do anaesthesia. when i read about surgery (usually written by people in africa for some reason), i wanted to do surgery. i even really wanted to be a urologist once. lol.


now it comes to the hallowed time of learning in hospitals... and i find that i am not daring enough to write stuff that may lead to contravening privacy etc. oh well. i havent encountered any way-out, wacky situations yet anyway. maybe i'll write a book someday like atul gatwande or ben carson (my hero!!) heh. nevertheless, a week has passed (we even needed to go for tutorial on a saturday!) and i feel the need to reflect on it. i have learnt so much this week it is actually quite scary. it's actually quite interesting that my pre-med school shadowing was done in this same hospital (and actually in the same wards too!), because i get to feel the full feeling of how privileged and lucky i now am.



it's really tiring though, and i can see that i have loaaads more to brush up on. even just something as simple as history taking, can take 1 hour or ten minutes depending on how detailed you go. and human communication is really, as they say, an art. particularly when you need to do it entirely in mandarin. it probably isnt invasion of privacy to say that one day i conversed with a patient in chinese for like fifteen minutes before he just gave up on me and started answering in english. HAHA. no but i guess i always assumed my strong point to be communication & empathy as opposed to er a superlogical mind and brilliance but see, you need to COMMUNICATE the empathy you might feel. things like always checking the patient's face for pain, not just during abdominal palpation but even when feeling for pedal edema. things like leaving things EXACTLY where they were before you started the exam e.g newspapers, bed position, etc.


also another nice thing is that i bump into my sec sch/ jc friends alot nowadays heh since everyone's in the hospitals! i just really missed the feeling of seeing familiar faces everywhere so its really really nice. plus the friends i've been making over this past year that happen to be in sgh too. and of course the cg mates are responsible for 24/7 entertainment. i think this week ive spent more time with c & h than anyone else lol.


so... yeah. this is really all i need, i've realised. (but i am SO looking forward to surg!! we switch over on april 11th. VERY. EXCITED)