About Me

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

more medicine ramblings

currently i'm very happy & high

suspect it's because i actually left the hospital around 5pm!! and i didn't spend the day rushing from tutorial to tutorial! and i got a lift this morning! and PRIMARILY coz i'm now bumming instead of furiously revising. wow clearly it doesnt take much to make me happy.

weekend:
was a weekend of unexpected turns. like i asked for a lift somewhere & got transported to a family crab gathering instead. (but still, family so +++)

i was intending to go to sleep but ended up having a long, much-delayed gosspy conversation with michelle. I LOVE MICHELLE OMG seriously she just GETS these things. other people would consider it dumb/ inane/ whatever but somehow when i talk to her about it it makes SENSE. primarily because she has such a way of... intellectualizing what is the anti-thesis of intellectuality. hahaha. anyway we could be talking about the sun & it would be fun, honestly. yay yay. except i was SO SLEEPY THE NEXT DAY.

monday:
i can't remember much but i think i got a chocolate chip cookie in the morning lecture so YAY COOKIE

tuesday:
i think i managed to squeeze in a long case for respi here so whoopee
also had a geri tutorial where i was so tired i thought i was going to fall over & syncope (HAHAHA) but nevertheless clerked a very sweet old lady. the other group painfully clerked an old man in hokkien, then when presenting him, it transpired that he can communicate with one of the guys in PERFECT MALAY hahahaha
and then i studied haemato all night SO PRODUCTIVE wow

wednesday:
we had the most perfect ambulatory clinic ever where we learnt so much! except the nurse kept talking in chinese about how there were SO MANY STUDENTS & we are sitting everywhere messily lol it was quite funny coz... we can understand chinese. but really learnt a lot in this clinic.
then after lunch, i managed to whip through a few short cases - prosthetic valves & a respi case (DEPRESSING, I MISSED A PLEURAL EFFUSION).
and after the x ray tutorial (which was less painful than expected), i got guilt-tripped into doing somemore short cases which were VERY GOOD. the signs that is. and the 2nd guy is really super super sweet. my friend asked him if she can come by the next few days to listen somemore to his heart and he was like sure, sure no problem!! *happy grin*. although, why does she need to do that..?? haha.

there was also another good case but there was a loong line of drs wanting to do exit round on him after his physiotherapy so ANOTHER DAY(this means never, or at some really inconvenient time)

so now i'm just bumming & not preparing chart stimulated recall for tomorrow! yay! if i even want to do it after CLINICS THE WHOLE DAY & walking back from CDC at 5pm?!

what really struck me is as i walked out to the mrt with my friend, she was bubbling over with random funny stuff that happened, and i was just like, wanting to lie down and sleep for ten years. really impressed with her... vervor & erm enthusiasm for life even after a super tiring day/ THE PAST SIX WEEKS man.

i need to get back that!

but seeing all the old aunties & uncles in the hospital actually does make me treasure youth quite a bit. it really is true that youth is wasted on the young. SO i intend to maxx out life man. maybe staying in the hospital until late isn't precisely the EPITOMY of coolness, but a few years more and it gets closer! and that really brings you back to the qn: WHAT IS THE POINT OF MY LIFE. honestly, i think that if i even just practice medicine for 30 yrs or more, and not do anything like WIN A NOBEL PRIZE or whatever (not like i want to), that is worthwhile. i dont even have to save anyone's life, just do all the usual stuff a usual doctor does. i probably would contribute to qol/ save desaturating/ the usual acutely ill pple that come in thru a & e etc. and that's totally enough for me. and when we go home bemoaning the fact that 4-5pm is considered early & slack then i guess i need to REFORMAT my mindset to the fact that yes, i am physically & mentally tired but it is, PHILOSOPHICALLY SPEAKING, the only way to make anything out of this life (for me).

THAT SAID i keep having visions of baking yummy stuff/ pretty dresses swimming around my head. i dont know why!! hahaha. but i will, i will.

one more week and two days.

as a precaution, i hereby solemnly swear that i will not be sad if i suck at paeds as much as i suck at medicine. because true, kids are not small adults but it's STILL MEDICINE & i STILL HAVE TO TALK TO PEOPLE. but kids are cute. hehe. sooo just take it as a time to play with cute kids & learn about a subject that i really enjoy and think is the most awesome in the whole world. yep.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

mooncakes

hellohello,

yesterday i ran to the botanics & back, then i came back and had watermelon & mooncakes

i love mooncakes. it's like chang-e and hope & dreams & immortality & the eternal inscrutability of the moon, all distilled into one perfectly-formed rounded cake. it's like eating moonlight. it's like suddenly being transported to france and inbibing champagne & blue cheese.

the botanics is really far though. like. really supah far. the first 40 minutes was ethereal. i was running in the gathering gloom, as cars zoomed by on the highways. i can't remember what it was that made me feel so happy. was it the color of the sky? the songs on my ipod? the past the future or the present? i could have turned back at any time; sometimes in fact on my rare runs these days i actually only do 40 minutes before the rain comes, or before i have to turn back to start the drive to ttsh. but something made me keep on running, until i reached the white gates. everywhere are people in sunglasses & summer shorts & caps in bunches, taking photographs. the soft lights in the garden bushes remind me of gatsby's parties. i run home thinking that i really really want a gatsby-themed wedding. the botanics is really so pretty at night. it's like fairyland. but that aside, the 2nd 40 minutes was pure physical torture. the only thing that kept me going was the green light at the end of the dock HAHA nah kidding, its cos i didnt bring a bus card ;p

today, i'm having yet another awesome sunday looking out at the vines growing on the arch outside my window (hahaha sounds so french-chateaux like), studying ecgs

last night, i turned on skype for the first time since forever. it used to be suuuch a big part of my life. WELL I DONT MISS it. i certainly dont miss being chained to a 10pm skype timing. i've talked about freedom before, and i think most of all the greatest freedom is this. LOL. i also realized that in general i'm someone who loves freedom and not being accountable to anyone about anything. anyway this time it was to catch up with a friend! who was not online LOL i think aft/evening is toooo broad a span of time. but but i managed to catch nat and we had quite a nice conversation about neuro/med/ life. she's working in the sleep lab at duke!! how awesome is that!!

i also read the happiness project by gretchen rubin (as in the website, not the book). inspiring stuff man. as you can tell, i didnt do thaaat much work yesterday. LOL. it really doesnt matter to me anymore. i'm not very sure why, but i think its something to do with how i was realizing that sustained stress & pushing myself to remember a million things made me so cranky and tired all the time. if i chill out more during the weekends, i can retain more of what i learn during the week, instead of spending the time being passed out in the MO room, or coming home early to sleep coz im so burnt out. now i just stay later to clerk pts after tutorials/ for calls/ to follow random people around if they have cool stuff they wanna show me. i think it works better like this. i used to push myself like a water bufflo especially on sundays, and start monday feeling like i'd been run over by an express train. NOT FUN.

FOR THE RECORD, thus far i've studied arrhythmias and all the different causes of chest pain and paid particular attention to PLEURITIC CHEST PAIN which is disturbing coz i never heard of it ever before friday. it's true, you never know what you dont know.

we have two weeks extra holiday in jan. should i go to korea for a holiday? go to uk to settle bank stuff/ visit d in dublin/ michelle in oxford? (if she's even there at that time, haha). should i bone up on gen med? should i study up for surgery? ARGH I DONT KNOWWW...

anyway. work beckons. ciao :)

Saturday, September 24, 2011

smoothie

Feel v accomplished this week and not as run down as usual :) though 6pm discussing loss of consciousness and confusion with c and the tutor was pretty painful haha. But good stuff! There are puns there but i wont bother lol

volunteered for a tutorial and it was a truly enlightening experience. On reflection the good is my diabetes and dialysis hx is good, but the system qns like renal, chestpain totally dissapeared :( but when the guy was marking me he told me apart from the one impt thing i missed my hx taking was v focused and gd and i should continue like that. Yay!! First time anyone in gen med has told me that hoho felt v encouraged after tt :) but yes i know where to improve also.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

andante

today was quite nice. it involved chocolate cake, GONGCHA, and the answer to everything ;p

on an unrelated note, chart stimulated recall tomorrow. ARGHHH.

also had an unexpected surprise the other night, with the usual weirdness & things lost in translation, and general happiness :) it kinda obliterates something i was pretty hung up upon so i guess that's a good thing overall.

amusingly, a patient the other day was commenting on me with despair "hai, she's so useless... cant speak hokkien, cant speak cantonese, can't speak teochew... only can speak english and HWA YU *this last said with special derision*" LOL. and the best thing is i think she genuinely felt i was being left out in the all-hokkien conversation and was trying to entertain me/ involve me or SOMETHING ahaha. anyway i was more amused than anything. i was left alone in the cubicle with her for awhile and she enthusiastically tried to engage me in further animated hokkien.


haha okay CHART STIMULATED RECALL, bye world

edit: i'll never forget what u taught me.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

long way

JYJ's new album! well actually this song has been out since forever but anwyway, their voices are really beautiful in this


out of everything, the fact that i suck at clinical medicine is possibly the most upsetting. i can accept everything else, but this is really... UGHH. well the only way is to jiayou :) guess i can look forward to being competent in the FUTURE (and i probably will, what with all this excellent training.) just that for this particular posting ummm i've just got to try my best without the trying being reflected in results. GAHH i'm so used to amping up my game and magically seeing the fruits of my labor. why is it that i can do that for maths which i hate, but not medicine which i love, i DO NOT UNDERSTAND. maybe eight weeks is just too short a time.

i kind of just want a normal mini-cex >< it's not all about the marks, i fully understand that btw. but my first one was a surg case and my third was a o&g one... furthermore i was able to correctly answer all the treatment, even all the antibiotics that i couldnt remember during the first one >< i got all 6/9 for the 2nd one which was a perfectly normal GI case with an abdo exam. so... it's not that i am not improving, i am, it just isn't showing. oh well. I JUST WANT 60% for my medicine posting and i'll be satisfied. partly coz i know i cant really expect more.

i would LOVE to say this is a situational thing coz i keep getting sucky mini-cexes, but that's too dangerous, to assume your bad showing is due to something other than your own incompetence, yknow what i mean? i dont want to be a bad workman that blames his tools. i can live with just being a bad workman that knows it, and does something about it.

and next week is going to be UGHH what with trying to hit 80 entries for case writeup (thanks for randomly springing this news on us in the middle of an innocuous feedback session ugh)


another jyj song! random find. i guess jyj had an even longer way to go than me. but they're also bigger stars to start with HAHA. also i just watched the part on scent of a woman where the lead character fangirls over junsu and signs up for his fanmeeting through... NEFARIOUS MEANS hehe. and also the tango parts of SOW were nothing short of AMAZING. why does that never happen to me. with LEE DONG WOOK, SPECIFICALLY. ;p cannot just be anyone man.

OKAY so the emo-part is overr
actually, its only difficult coz i want it to be. coz i have certain expectations, because my pattern is to massively improve myself every time i identify the need to. i'm sure you can imagine how tiring it is go to home every day and think OKAY I NEED TO IMPROVE MY CARDIO X 100!! YEAH! *pumps fist*... seriously, i cant really keep this up. it's a good thought though. good to be motivated instead of being a lazy slug yo.

that saiddd i've been having a good time thanks to the entertainment around me. and the fact that my HO is so relatable & so willing to teach (i'm seriously willing to just stand at one side & observe the team!! but she will always come over & explain everything to me). and the m5 on the team is just highly amusing for some reason hahaha and always cheerful x 100. although i think i kinda freaked him out on the day int med broke me LOL but yea the comfort was much appreciated. thanks hanyang. :):)

on the religious side...
erm i still kind of suck at this. but honestly i think being a good doctor is the best way forward right now. the best way to give glory to God is really to do the best at, erm, what i think he has called me to do. the best way is not to watch korean dramas all day long so i can be a happy funny and very sweet and nice to all around me. unless he has called me to do so. which... no, i dont think so. and what, me? of course i'm not capable of watching k-dramas 24/7. hehehe.

i'm in two minds about the me not wanting to go for mass the other day thingy SIGH why does right now have to be int med SIGH. so i went, and it was pretty nice, altho if i didnt feel so physically shitty the next day, and so emotionally shitty on the day itself, it would probably have been a cooler experience overall. no dont get me wrong, on the good side, it was a v cool religious experience, and i mean, i'm not going to see _______ much so i really like the idea of hanging out one last time (plus i did totally tell him he's the one going away so he gets to choose what we do for the last time). and i felt really affirmed on that day itself. i kind of felt like it was a mini-sacrifice i could make (i mean, how much really are we able to sacrifice for the Lord on the daily basis). it was even in the words "i make this sacrifice to you today". of course i know what that refers to, but at that moment, i felt this great shame. like i couldnt even bear to make this small sacrifice for someone who died for me. gahhhh. although, i prefer not to make sacrifices during the really short duration of int med (refer above), but maybe that's the whole point... if you can afford to do so, it ISNT A SACRIFICE. so, hmm. and thereafter i had the whole usual I AM SUCH A LOUSY FRIEND angst and i kept planning to make ________ cupcakes to say SORRY I REALLY SUCK and well of course life intervenes and since i am barely hanging on with internal medicine i think you know where my best-laid plans are going. i was literally writing the card in the MO room desperately before going. in fact that morning i was hanging around a discussion btw the HO and M5 and then i told them "eh i'm going to buy something now" and they gave me a really odd look like i was skiving hahaha i guess i was, OH WELL.

lol this is hilarious since only _________ reads this. DONT READ THIS, I HOPE YOU DIDNT READ THIS. sorry man i really needed to vent.
HAVE A SAFE FLIGHT and ENJOY YOURSELF & STUDY HARD! be a better medical student & doctor than me :):) thanks for everything ever. i think you totally saved my soul, a thousand times over, so honestly i am indebted to you :)

Saturday, September 17, 2011

tango

the tango has started! on scent of a woman. YAY!! the series actually finished but i'm only now at episode 5.

also, life has a strange way of happening. the blur sip student ends up comforting me (i dont rly think he had a choice) over stuff & spouting all the life-wisdom things. i go for masses i didn't intend to go for. i go to hand up my case reports to my HO and stumble upon a bedside ultrasound of the heart. i get a surg case for my 1st mini-cex and an o&G case for the 3rd. (i thought 3 was supposed to be my lucky number!!!!!!) i stayed until 7pm on a friday until the team chased me home coz there was exciting stuff and i love to see them in the thinking process hahaha for once it's not me being stumped. the cardio consult started grilling everyone about the anatomy of the heart "you think you call me for consult is free one?"

Monday, September 12, 2011

Sunday, September 11, 2011

even if it's not necessary

sermon was GREAT. was about forgiveness.

"how many times must i forgive my enemy, Lord? seven times"
"no, not seven, but seventy-seven times"

SO MANY. ehh. i cannot do it man. well apparently its the DECISION to forgive that counts hahha wow thats nice of the church to understand the difficulty of being human. anyway, seemed to have an effect on the congregation coz i saw lots of pple surrepititiously wiping away their tears (which is not really a common sight in a catholic church..)

after that, came back for PRATA zomggg i think i need to run another 21k now!! but +1 for family time, i like! calories must be spent on pple who deserve it la. like i would never eat sinful chocolate cake with my greatest enemy, forgiveness or no... MOVING ON...

i did a good thing today! err, i think! haha. anyway. just happy tt i did sth for someone else's benefit/ happiness than my own. as u can tell, that is not really a regular occurance. ANYWAYS. it is GOOD. and i just wrote a poem i like rather alot. the sort that makes me wanna send it to all my friends and get their opinion HAHAHA but no its okay i have long given up that bad habit (incase u think its great, u can talk to the people who used to be my long-suffering poetry vetters. they actually used to commiserate with each other about it. think the bard in asterix hehe). i'll put it on wb though!

anyway, although i was too tired to even decide beforehand about the weekend, like whether i should chill/ study/ whatever, it turned out pretty nice. im not sure what i did but i think RECUPERATING from the week was pretty much it. actually after our mon and tues 5 tutorials thing i was quite gone alr. and i had a mini-cex somewhere in the week too >< i think although i still dunno anything abt medicine, i know what i need to focus on this next week (and the rest of the posting really), i kinda know what's expected. and the best thing is only 4 pts to round on each morning!! (haha. later tmr i go and find TEN NEW ADMISSIONS OVER THE WEEKEND.. stay healthy people!! please!). i actually collected cool cases on friday but i think they must be all discharged by now :(

but NEVERMIND, i can feel it, it's gonna be a great week. i think i'm just happy and wellfed from prata. hahahaha. also yea the whole letting go of things & forgiveness thingy. maybe thats why reccently my prayers havent been answered. its like in that book - heidi? the snow flowers? ahhh something along those lines. where the girl couldnt pray for sth really really impt coz she was pissed with someone and hadnt let go of it entirely yet. well. i shall let you know if suddenly tmr really good stuff starts happening. HAHAHA. i doubt it la. but happiness is also a state of mind :) i feel random chinks of sunlight for no good reason so NOT COMPLAINING, bring next week on!!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

miracles

it's one year, exactly

although the EXISTENTIAL ANGST nevah goes away (as evinced by the past post...i think it's just me. HAHA), it's been the most fruitful year of my life. in which I have been living out a miracle God gave to me. :)

when the going gets tough, it strikes me that it's a good thing i wanted medicine with every bit of my soul; that i was willing to do ANYTHING for it. all the idealistic dreams i held so dearly to me like a christmas bubble, all the carefully woven rationalizations about how this is the ONLY WORTHWHILE THING TO DO IN LIFE, like a magic carpet.

lightbulb moments in tutorials and the fantastic teaching at ttsh aside, the people are the ones who make everything worthwhile.

i never want to say too much coz i find it cheesy. haha. but today, i must mention it. i know i always talk about how m3 is very tiring, etc. but honestly, with my cg, there is always hilarity (cough picking up murmurs...;p). love you guys. thank you for making the past year so great. i love how the seniors are all so nice and generous with the teaching. like my very zai HO, like the m5s who randomly teach me things (like this guy who i just met in the MO room was quizzing me on the 3 causes of elevated ST segments?). my HO was post-call today but she actually gave me and YJ a neuro tutorial, and then she answered all my 101 questions abt the patient's medication. the new SIP student is quite blur haha but he's so friendly! it's just sucha... jc atmosphere, for lack of a better word.

it's funny how life works. do you know what?

i think i found my bluebird, and it was really here, all along.

it's funny how when things are put into perspective, everything changes. okay sure black & white cookies make me cringe for awhile now, but compared to the larger scheme of things; its like black versus white. so yeah, saccharine tastes, cloying stickiness of memory - hey, you can't say it isn't sweet, you cant say it's a waste.

Friday, September 9, 2011

this is the stuff

Sometimes i get really ahead of myself second-guessing God. Maybe the point is that it is beyond our understanding. if you get it right away, it's probably wrong. Whatever you think it is now... the OPPOSITE will be true.

I feel like such a refractory recalcitrant. Like everytime, I never learn, I never go in the way He intends me to go afterwards, so He has to keep doing this.

But maybe it's all to bring you to the point where you are broken.

This is the stuff you use.

God, the unexpected has broken me. What do I do now?

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

i think the juggling of medicine with outside activities is something that, hands down, i fail at.

Monday, September 5, 2011

happy end

life has been ENDLESSLY EXCITING. lol well i guess it depends what you define it as. i really suck at medicine but i love it equally. like einstein said, if you love what you do, then you won't have to work a day in your life :) ok im not sure that this can't be considered work, but it sure beats doing mathematics.

today was pretty crazy. half of it's the kind of thing that you can either choose to laugh or cry about. but despite myself it was hilarious when my tutor started joking around with the patient "why dont eat fish! you're sick of fish... you're a fisherman is it!!" haha you really need to be him to pull that off. and then the debrief which was really useful. each time i meet him i improve by like 100x. after that i somehow mustered up the energy to clerk like 4 patients today and hanyu was even commenting that i've improved.

although im not sure how positively i should take the comment "do u feel liz is improving! she can actually talk to people now! it used to be so awkward" THANKS AH hahahaha. no really i have discovered the secret. it involves making patients laugh at my bad chinese & tripping over things. yes. i am going to be such a great doctor.

oh further hilarity
senior: why dont you guys go and listen to the guy in that bed
me and my friend: wow~! thank you!~ *happily take history for 20 mins*
senior: ... i told you guys to listen to his HEART SOUNDS, not to his story!!

during tutorial
GI tutor: so... the guy is bleeding, what do you do?
me *confidently*: sir, i would give him anti-coagulants!

a new beginning tomorrow in a new ward! so exciting. here's to LESS WEIRD STUFF, and more clerking

Sunday, September 4, 2011

why

ok here goes the emo-ness, forgive me

mass was good :) went to st mary's and the sermon was v good. unfortunately i can only rmb this part. priest, in serious tone: "eternal life, forgiveness, hope, peace and joy.... so how ah?!"

YES I WONDER TOO. i guess the consensus is, it's hard.

i keep seeing my friend's musings on fb which basically say "God, please hold me together, cos I can't hold myself together" and. yeah. it feels like that. only i wish i felt like this LESS. hmmmm... to feel alive but feel like you're falling apart, or to numb yourself with work and feel inhuman?! luckily for me, there's so much stuff to do that i'm more guilty of being inhuman than anything else. but whenever i see the latest angst-ridden update, it sort of opens the door to humanity again. WHICH IS BAD. FEELING IS BAAAD.

i don't know how to say it. reccently ive been thinking that it doesnt really matter too much what you feel at any particular time of the day... except it DOES coz if you feel shitty, you feel shitty... and yes, it matters to yourself (duh). gone are the days in jc i used to prize angst (why, again?!). i think it had something to do with literature and TRAGIC HEROES we always had to write essays about, and CATHARSIS being oh-so-important. maybe sometimes it's better to live life, hello oedipus/ dr faustus are CLEARLY not examples of eternal happiness.

now i think i prize brainless happiness over anything else. again, not something to be proud of...

so, what CAN i be proud of?!

i can be proud of this: i went for mass today, on time, on a day where i just wanted to sleep the (muscular) pain away. no seriously. i'm not getting any prizes on earth but it's not really the earthly prizes i was ever looking for. what scares me the most is getting distracted by all the temporary shiny glittery things and losing the main point. it's like failing the final test (hehe such a singaporean way of thinking...). but, pragmatism aside, i really do owe God a lot. i always have long shopping lists of prayers, no matter how sincere, it's just... things i want. good health for everyone. good exam marks. to get along well with people. can these even be considered good prayers.... at the end of the day, i guess, he really doesn't owe me ANYTHING. the balance is so not in my favor when basically He sacrificed himself for us and sometimes i cant even bring myself to go to church cos i wanna read another article on medscape. in edinburgh, sometimes, i needed to go running and thus i didnt go to church. ON THE BRIGHT SIDE since yr 3 has started, i havent missed a single sunday.

and yet, even though i cant even do this simple thing like turn up every sunday (but i can turn up for school and exams even through DEHIBILATING CRAMPS), he still gave me all these miracles that i really didnt deserve. i dont want to go into details, but so many times, i prayed for these impossible things. in fact, i actually prayed so much that by the time he granted them, i'd long stopped praying. it gets tiring to keep on saying the same thing every time. and you dont want to not-believe. so a kind of self-defense. but i guess, by then, i'd ceased to believe believe. does this make any sense?!

so. even though the prayers dont dry up; we ALWAYS need something MORE. today i realized that everything i have is already perfectly planned. that everything i dont have, i dont have it for a reason too. sometimes the reason is more obvious than others and sometimes i just dont wanna accept the reasons. i think, you were meant to prove a point to me, and ok the point has been proven. im just grateful. and most importantly, you brought sanity to my world, literally the day after i'd cried all night. and people like this, i consider, to have been sent by God. so i really want to thank you for that. yep :)

time, please stop - davichi

we're changing ward on tuesday :( i'll kind of miss 9b. i guess it won't really be the same if none of the original people are there anyway, and we didnt have the longest time with the consultant coz she was on leave the 1st week of our posting. but it was a great experience :) my only regret is my ignorance prevented me from making the most of it. that's what i feel strongly about this entire posting actually. i just feel so frustrated that i cannot be more efficient and allocate my time/ brainspace properly to best make use of the excellent resources at our disposal.

NEVERTHELESS, i have learnt a lot from 9b these three weeks. even though its a renal/gen med ward, some of the most interesting cases have passed through, it's pretty amazing. and i've had the luck to do case writeups on these patients. and more importantly, get to know them as people as well :)

some of the highlights include the philosophizing on drug abuses halfway through ward rounds, and the con asking the very guai-looking HO for his thoughts on it
HO: "er.... not much experience in that area.."

and the m5s who just came for SIP are so nice! they tell me when there are good cases and one of them actually went with me to clerk and gave feedback (the feedback is that... I AM VERY LOUSY AT THIS. he didnt say it explicitly but the looks of horror were self-explainatory =p) and i did a PR on a patient with him, like we actually gowned up and everything wow so exciting. for more details you can ask me privately. (as you can tell, i have not done many PRs before..). and the other m5 was randomly giving me tutorials on diabetes in the middle of ward rounds (??). anyway, for people who i've only known for 3 days, i must say i'll kinda miss them hahaha. i think they're pretty horrified at my not-clerking that much and knowledge (THE BALANCE THAT I CAN NEVER GET sigh). haha coz i was regaling them with my mini-CEX tales

me: oh, a highlight was when the con asked me what is augmentin and I DIDN'T KNOW
m5: ... augmentin is..
me: yeah now i know... cloxacillin and clauvulinic acid. i told her use piptazo for cellulitis.
m5: ... do you know what piptazo is used for?
me *triumphantly*: GRAM-POSITIVE BACTERIA!!
*looks of horror all round*

soo now i am mugging antibiotics. i have gotten as far as what one should do with an infected central line but... it is time to sleep.

story of my life. anyway here's to yet another week! i hope my new ward is nice :):) and much thanks to everyone who has helped me this past 3 weeks, ESP my HO buddy BC, who was so helpful and kind the entire time, and answered all my totally seemingly unrelated medicine questions at random times.

easier to run

thoughts
1. when there are 2 roads, i will ALWAYS take the one less travelled, without thoughts of whether the roads converge back again (haha i mean at the narrow parts, i dont mean i took alot of shortcuts and bypassed the proper route ;P)

2. life would be nicer if every 10 minutes balloons popped up to inform you "keep up the good work!"

3. the epitome of procrastination must be not training for a 21k

4. ow.

5. it's quite cute to hear army boys post- run and their deluge of swearwords and macho bonding. cute in the sense that army boys are usually all a few yrs my junior haha. (i spent one hour sitting on the grass waiting for my dad to finish the 10k)

overall, i know honestly that if i trained i coulda done a lot better, coz my base fitness now is much better than last time, and i definitely have a lot more muscle mass (which i haaate, girls should not have muscle :() but anyway since i have it i should use it riiight. this hit me around 10k when i realized i couldn't up the intensity for the second half (this comes from... training properly for <2 weeks and only running around 8k each time.) but hey i still did better than when i was training with the cross-country team!! not bad not bad :) i dunno how i did the amazing 2 hrs 12 mins in edinburgh... maybe coz the loch ness monster was running behind me for some charity. hahaha. i really couldnt bear the thought of losing to it ;p seriously i ran it so fast alot of my friends came AFTER i was done to support me (coz i told them usually i take 2.5hrs).

ALSO yesterday i was literally on my way out the door when i picked up the race pack and saw "5.15 am flag off" OMG I was thinking i'd WAKE UP at 5.15am... so of course i couldnt go for d's thing. :( but seriously, irresponsible as i am, i really cannot run 21k on <6 hrs of sleep. like, i just physically cant... and i was so traumatized by eliza's tales of doing gen med at ttsh and getting acute renal failure. LOL. actually halfway i realized no PB for me and i was like - heck it, as long as i dont get ARF!! so i am vv sorry (but i was vacillating for days before so yeahhhh aiya the usual LEOPARDS DONT CHANGE THEIR SPOTS) and i will make it up to you! yes i will. except i cant give you leprechaun gold coz i dont have anyyy.

NOW. I MUST STUDY.
i feel really lucky to be able to run :) i will never cease to be grateful for that. <3 thank you God.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Happy is happy but im totally burnt out..

They say you need to talk to pts to learn but wasting good cases on my ignorance = ugh

On a seperate note, I havent felt this way in a long time. All i want is yesterday's poem to see the light of day
Its like drinking chai latte from starbucks, its like everlasting sunny weekends. I never want it to end. But if it will, it will. So it goes...

overdosing on matthew west's songs

scattered words and empty thoughts seem to pour from my heart
im so torn, seems i dont know where to start
but its now that i feel your grace fall like rain
cos i still believe in your faithfulness
i still believe in your truth
i still believe in your holy word

even when i dont see i still believe
though the qns still fog up my mind
with promises i still seem to bear
even when answers slowly unwind
Its my heart i see you prepare

well in brokeness i can see this was your will for me
so help me to know you are near
-i still believe, jeremy camp