About Me

Monday, December 31, 2012

escapism, anyone?

totally in love with this song. the live performance was even better *gushes*

okay fine, i wouldnt say it's like HIGH ART obviously, being pop-ish & all, but it really touched me. as art is supposed to do.



now i have monster crushes on jinwoon, hoya, and lee joon. they are SO EXTREMELY manly here with their black jackets & trench coats! and jinwoon smashing the guitar! ah i just love everything about this performance. i must have watched it like 5 times already

my fav part is at 5:07 when jinwoon sings you already erased it all, he just looks so incredibly cool there! which is SO different from his real-life persona of always being bullied.

okay in other news, i need to gear up for end of years but all i feel like doing is sleeping in on rainy days like today. luckily school hasn't started yet, welcome reprieve. although today i am supposed to a) finish anaesthesia b) start reading up for eye c) do more researchh but it's noon & zzzzzzz



the point of escapism is to ignore things you don't like

more jinwoon love.
just like a sandcastle crumbling with the waves

the roads we choose & what is given to us; how we ensure that the leprechaun gold lasts more than a day
how we fix old mistakes, how we face the future

the plan needs to be more than "it's all going to be okay"
it needs to be a concrete to-do list, rooted in reality.
it needs to be more than "i've done it all before & i have no doubt i can do it again"
actually that's pretty encouraging haha

as nike would say - just do it

and i dont mean just exams. those are stressful things but i mean, after a while, it's just another hurdle to cross. you know it can't be all flowers and bunnies but you cross those rivers, eventually. i mean everything. 

as lily said in how i met your mother


Ted: No, it's not an adventure, it's a mistake! 
Lily: OK, yes it's a mistake. I know it's a mistake, but there are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to really know it's a mistake is to make the mistake and look back and say 'yep, that was a mistake.' So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake, because then you'd go your whole life not knowing if something is a mistake or not. And dammit, I've made no mistakes! I've done all of this; my life, my relationship, my career, mistake-free. Does any of this make sense to you? 
Ted: I dunno, you said mistake a lot. 

HAHA. i love this. :):)

Thursday, December 27, 2012

yesterdays

like a habit, i think of yesterday

although i tell myself several
times that it's wasted time
now it won't ever
come again, yesterday
please dont get any further away
memories are forgotten way too easily
to you, it's just the end
of a passing by day
to me, it's the start of a
pain that i cannot handle
now the memories
of you and i are all
yesterday but you already erased it all
- yesterday by dynamic black [jinwoon, hoya, l.joe, lee joon, kikwang]



new earworm! it's so catchy cum melancholy [lol contradiction?]

my grown up christmas list

it's been a wonderful christmas-filled holiday :) a much-needed break from the everyday routine of waking up, dragging myself to whatever rotation we're doing, declaring that i'm sleepy, having lists and lists of things i really wanna do but knowing i'll never get to do them, if i want my sanity

esp glad i managed to clear some of the research since it's been on my mind like... since m4 started lol
there are still things to be done - both things i want to and things i must do, but at least the list is much shorter than before; at least my batteries are charged before i go

thank you God for everything; this nice breather of two weeks the least of it all really :)
also been going for toby's kpop dance classes which are LOVE.
off to finish the monster ecg tutorial revision. haish. 55 PAGES OF NOTES YO.

merry christmas all :)

Friday, December 21, 2012

in all things

In all things, e, always and forever, simply wish the best for all involved, without stating what you think that is.
And then, whatever does happen, no matter what happens, know that it was.

All the best,
    The Universe


i like! 

also i've just signed up for something... again.. lol i think im a glutton for punishment 
anyway, i really hope it works out, for obvious reasons hahah. i kind of have a weird feeling it will, a strange trust in God, but then i have that as a baseline kinda thing right ;p haha. wont try & justify it too much but i have a feeling it's gonna be okay. we'll see, if i get thru the selections then yes, if not im saving myself from embarrassment!  

i've also done like 1/3 of my outstanding research, as in hirtherto uncompleted stuff, not outstanding as in head&shoulders above other research endeavors pwahaha, which - yay! holidays are good for things other than sleeping late & sleeping in the next day & bumming around like a slug! who me?




Thursday, December 20, 2012

heart food

the heart food page on pinterest is AWESOME

think i've been a little too icing-obsessed lately. it's not technically my fault since one day i just kinda got coerced into cookie-making, not of my own volition i swear. i'll be honest and admit i envisioned this 2 weeks as mugfest, and i'm not referring to mugs of eggnog...

but i mean, hey, one week of glorious hedonistic fun is sometimes allowed, right? and anyway, the priest at confession did tell me to 'empty out all the clutter from your mind and let Christ come in this Christmas' :) yaY well i guess chucking away materialistic achievement grabbing notions & doing all those memory-creating things kinda counts, doesn't it. uh. kinda. haha.

i'll always remember this as the christmas i made sugar cookies

anyway, taking a breather from a whirlwind of 4am cookie nights, research... afternoons [in my defense, it is my HOLIDAYS, my prof isnt even in town now luckily otherwise so malu, and i'm not really expected to come at 8am or anything since this is an adhoc when im free come & finish up thing, unlike electives where i presume you're expected to put in more than a few hrs each day... yeah okay well. darned cookies. i really planned to arrive at 8am everyday!! anyway it doesnt take that long since i only request 5 files each time to soften the blow for the pple i have to request to request them for me. i could prob finish all 50 in one day, but.... yeah]

actually, good idea, i think maybe i'll request 30 and just finish it off on monday heh

and also meetups! notably, had a rather nice rainbow high tea with nic yesterday. in typical us fashion it was v convoluted [we are the people who spent an hour debating over icing in a supermarket for our home econs project which we totally cheated and did the making food for a party thing for our debate sec 4 farewell haha] but the endpoint was rainbow xiao long bao [DID I MENTION I LOVE RAINBOWS] + baos + egg + cinnamon apple cream cheese cupcake for me & smores cupcake for her at marmalade pantry after. i wanted the red velvet & coconut,  for "research purposes" but was Foiled, nevertheless, the whole thing was lovely
then it was back home to tint icing pink & blue. i could have broken out the green but i think my sleep cycle is messed up enough as it is.

ohh and i also met michelle for ramen + had this green tea egg tart thing which was YUM. she actually went to KOREA to study korean for a few months... so lucky zomg. as expected, that was the prime topic of conversation [esp since i have no other gossip fodder currently].
ALSO. at the baking supplies place
me: uhh... are all the red and green christmassy colors sold out?
guy: *disspassionately* yes
me: when's the new stock going to come?
him: *equally dispassionately* next year?

.... how about all the last minute christmas cookie baking?! there is clearly a spot in the market for people hawking christmas colored food coloring between 19th to 24th december

and then somewhere in there i also did rpm which was so exhausting i wanted to combust in the first 5 minutes. THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES. i could barely walk to the busstop after that.

zomg.

let me just go lie down somewhere and sleep everything off

anyway. this has been a fun holiday season :) it feels christmassy somehow. more so than usual

Monday, December 17, 2012

beautiful day


it's a beautiful day, though you aren't here
it's a beautiful night, though i only shed tears
it's a beautiful day, now i say - goodbye to the times of you & i



enjoying my holiday a little too much i think hehh. spent most of yesterday making cookies, plan to go buy up all the rainbow colors from the baking store soon. i kinda know i shld mug but even then i dont really wanna. oops. well anyway at the very least, it's time to take a small breather. i dont believe the world will end on the 24th coz firstly, that's christmas eve, and secondly, God says that no-one knows when the world will end. so there. but i think that living life the way you would if you knew it was going to end is always good. like staying up til 4 to bake cookies for your loved ones coz they need to give christmas gifts the next day, instead of what - making notes on ear pain, ear discharge, ent emergencies...

as to my Future i think that God has planned something good. as for now its obvious there is opposition coming from some quarters so its not all systems go, more of houston we have a problem (ps i LOVED how mr kok the maths tuition teacher used to say that whenever he didnt know how to solve the maths qns we asked him HAHA so cute). and for my own part, im not ready to not-apply for what i've been convinced all this while was the miracle awaiting me. like the moment i got into this school, i think i sort of linked it together; that was the final logical conclusion of faith somehow. that both miracles were linked... that God exists... that He cares for me & that he has called me to all this. so that's not something im ready to give up, ever if at all.

but then, maybe i just need to have the desire to do good, and that's enough. whether you're curing sleep problems in kids or depression or autism/adhd [which is more of managing with meds actually], or curing asthma, bronchiolitis & ge, you're helping them anyway right? who's to judge what is what. i can't take the path of least resistance and most exocity, just because. i think it's gonna be all right. in the end. cos no matter what, my motivations are solid

another thing is i keep having plans to do all manner of things, which i NEVER DO. it's terrible. must start remedying that. but for now, i'll go off and buy food coloring

#escapism

Thursday, December 13, 2012

rainbows & cupcakes

it's a rainy day, drinking cinnamon latte in the library :) this morning i saw

- cervical lymphadenopathy
- mucocele with fluctuant eye swelling
- warthin's tumor
- acute anosmia
- meniere's [well if you can call it 'seeing']

i shall mug
- hoarseness of voice
- tracheostomy

then go meet michelle! yays.

tomorrow the plan is
- 830 OT, try to watch allergy testing after that
- clinics in the pm + hand up stuff then HOLIDAYS!!

sat - playhouse, next mon meet nic for marmalade pantry

long term plans
- finish my research during chp period after m4 pros
- electives are all my fav things: peds neuro, peds, endo, cardio [ok cardio isnt my fav per se but it's def my weak point, & i cant think of any nicer place to do it than ttshcardio
- i think i shall book a 1 week holiday to korea in my ONE week of freedom before m5 starts

there are loads of unsolvable questions but it's okay, life is pretty sweet atm. as in literally. i think i accidentally put too much sugar in my coffee hah. i dont know about metaphorically, but then again i've definitely lost my metaphorical taste buds

my current metaphysical question [NOT] is peds vs child psych vs int med [depends greatly on my int med electives. i really loved ttsh when i was there & my resident buddy lydia was so fantastic and friendly that it left a v nice impression! and i only picked the endo + cardio electives coz o&g fell out of favor so i needed to find other electives fast and i know i need the extra exposure to those subspecialties in order to pass mbbs. but maybe its like a sign. i just typed it's like a sigh. HAHA. subconscious...]. anyway obviously this doesnt matter a whit, it's such an insignificant existential crisis when you consider the WIDER WORLDD and such. but it does affect my theoretical life in the future, and hence, i guess it's impt...

in any case, since i'm quite clear on the point that none of my thoughts are profound or meaningful and just a lot of pointless ruiminations around the same point, all of which goes nowhere, i shall insert some inspiring/ thought-provoking/ soul-saving thoughts. chicken soup for the soul, so to speak. nah that sounds so cheesy. CUPCAKES AND RAINBOWS for the soul

on that point, my new metaphor for happiness is CUPCAKES AND RAINBOWS.

Our Lord needs from us neither great deeds nor profound thoughts. Neither intelligence nor talents. He cherishes simplicity.
-- St Therese of Lisieux

The crosses with which our path through life is strewn associate us with Jesus in the mystery of His crucifixion.
-- St. John Eudes
[actually i think nothing i have gone thru ever comes close, which - actually whew- but yeah, good to know that suffering is teh human condition & it's got -some- silver lining, even if the cross isnt that painful, it's still a cross, and it's still heavy...]

You cannot please both God and the world at the same time. They are utterly opposed to each other in their thoughts, their desires, and their actions.
-- St. John Mary Vianney
the constant struggle. the problem is i really think i like the things of this world. sloth, greed, material things. pretty shiny things. it's not just me vs world, it's the head vs the heart. it's looking at material things & knowing i need to get those pieces of paper, pieces of achievement. how to reconcile. medicine is the one way i thought i could reconcile it, cos it's helping people, giving up your sleep, free time for God's work, and i guess it is. but the means to the end sometimes make me veer off the path, and if i dont do it properly now, when am i ever going to. and HOW. unanswered questions, always swept underneath the carpet. life becomes a list of to-dos; either that, degenerates into sloth and unproductivity. how come i'm not doing God's work anyway. there has to be a way.

It is not particularly difficult to find thousands who will spend two or three hours a day in exercising, but if you ask them to bend their knees to God in five minutes of prayer, they protest that it is too long.
-- Bishop Fulton Sheen

Your first task is to be dissatisfied with yourself, fight sin, and transform yourself into something better. Your second task is to put up with the trials and temptations of this world that will be brought on by the change in your life and to persevere to the very end in the midst of these things.
-- St. Augustine
2nd last day of ent tmr! it has actually been quite a pleasant experience

things i've seen reccently
- BPPV [with the rotatory geotropic nystagmus!! and saw the epley's manouevre!]
- nasal polyps
- aspergillosis
- CSOM
- voice hoarseness/ breathiness
- vocal cord polyp
-  otitis media with effusion in a kid

clerked an AR patient for mini-cex which went quite well too. the head of ent is SUPER nice seriously, i think it really trickles down & affects the whole dept when the head is so nice to begin with! plus he knows our schedule much better than us haha

so after clinic, i met my cg mates and was like "OMG I SAW ASPERGILLOSIS IN THE EAR"
them: oh we saw it in the orbit

.... darn

we also had a really entertaining lecture on ent emergencies in the morning; unfortunately all i can rmb is how the lecturer kept saying "ent means easy no tension", and "you can get a tympanic membrane perf if someone hits you really hard on the side of the head... which happens a lot in my household.." haha he's just such a cool dude. anyway, still no plans to do ent, but really appreciate the niceness of the doctors in the department, i'd initially thought it was a ktph chillax atmosphere thing, but turns out ent doctors in general all seem quite nice. just makes it all cool (except the 745 arrival times are always painful ugh)

okay must really sleep now, ent m&m tomorrow morning at 745 ><

went for rpm just now and it was horrifically challenging, no idea why cos it wasnt even the challenge class. after the first 5 minutes i was having severe SOB hahah. so unfit yo

Monday, December 10, 2012

in honor of finally finishing the painful AR webcast, i am now having some blocked nose. LOL

i think apart from the chocolate quote, another highlight was the "you get runny nose when the aircon blows?? that's food allergy!! *cue backtrack laughter from the class*" lol. well i'll trust the lecturer on that.

day by day

i'm sitting in the rain
to keep my hope alive
oh im waiting day by day


so pretty. altho their english is most unclear LOL

had a very happening clinic today. at first it was literally all tinnitus of unknown origin and unresolvable, then after that we saw
- many people with laryngeal-pharyngeal reflux [p/w sore throat]
- otitis media with effusion, myringotomy with grommet insertion was done
- raised EBV titres, dunno what to do next
- many post-op turbinectomy patients
- pansinusitis
- epistaxis

now watching webcasts, the lecturer just said "who here doesnt like chocolate. you?? you're a freak! i love chocolate!" hahaha so cute. then he proceded to talk about someone who doesnt eat chocolate for awhile then stuffs their face with it and then gets the allergy, to illustrate the masking phenomenon. which i dont fully understand, but anyway.

in the next 1.5 months or so, i need to
1. mug my head off for exams (sobs)
2. get an irb done (i'll be really glad to get it done at all though.)
3.  finish up my first project
4. meet up with nic, michelle, nat [and probs many other people but due to [1] i think i'm so the overstretched >< sorry guys i say prophylactically, i really do love all of you muchly it's just that i am ridiculously inefficient... ]
5. get ent and eye mini cexes, and small posting eopt done and over with

oh and there's playhouse this weekend, yay! much anticipating, ive watched it every yr i've been in sg and its always been great entertainment.

also perusing the papers reveals loads of theatre upcoming in 2013, now i just need time & company to avail itself. eg OTHELLO as part of shakespeare in the park [i'll never forget ngchoonping's stunning othello, it literally took my breath away and made me feel new love towards the text - and actually ive always preferred modern stuff to shakespeare to be honest haha].

Saturday, December 8, 2012

the heart project


the past week of ent has actually been quite nice! i'm not planning to do it as a career for sure, but it's been a rather nice time enjoying the beautiful ambience and nice atmosphere of ktph. almost like going for a resort holiday LOL. never thought i'd say that about a hospital! i actually began to rethink my life plans, if i apply nhg for internal medicine i get the famed ttsh teaching and the lovely atmosphere of ktph [plus the teaching is not too bad either] haha.

that aside, i think it's time to buck up and start the ball rolling
there are so many things to do, and so little time
(what's new)
research vs mugging, what shall i do now?
 i was thinking about it and procrastinating and not knowing what to say in emails and guh i hate formal emails

and eventually i decided a plan of action
1. pray about it and give it all to God. not just the endpoint, but the means to the end
2. make sure i go to church every. single. week.
3. between now and the end of M4, go CMG bible study at least ONCE
4. do something nice for someone everyday. okay. maybe week. HAHA. i mean something out-of-the-ordinary nice. kinda inspired by my o&g partner. i mean i like to think im generally quite nice to fellow human beings on a normal basis but id like to do sth that has no bearing whatsoever on me as in that i have no vested interest in
5. to organize my life (this is like entropy. IT NEVER GETS ORGANIZED fully)


the thing is it's difficult to quantify how best to live a christian life, in practical terms. i guess i know most of the theory. but it's always in times when you forget or get frazzled and get snappy/ shouty at others. just when your guard is down, and you do something, and you think after that 'oops that wasnt really the best thing to do was it'. i know i'm not egregiously horrible but im sure loads of things add up somehow

and then all that has absolutely no direct impact on the constant striving for things
anyway, i totally suck at the striving for things, let alone achieving of things
i know i always get things i dont deserve and there is no point at all just blindly reaching for them and ignoring the rest of life; this is a tenet that no one can discourage me from believing coz i have LIVED THRU THIS and learnt painful lessons so thankyou very much, i think i will go with what i know.

but that said, i'm not trying to be a good person coz i think that will equate to worldly achievements;that's like kinda the prosperity gospel without money involved hahaha. and... i dont believe in the prosperity gospel haha

im doing it cos a) in general, i prize the whole being a good christian thing, a lot.
b) this verse which i will forever remb jo ooi telling us during one pccf bible study. pccf is really love. i identified so so much with sophie that day during lunch when she told me that she feels God really called her to do medicine overseas coz the fellowship there is really good and she feels much closer to God there etc. I TOTALLY GET IT.
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will
romans 12:2
if i remember, it was something along the lines of if you do what you know God would want you to do ie WWJD, not living according to what the world tells you to do, you will be able to discern and experience his will; what he wants you to do. that not being everydayish things i presume, but the big impt decisions in life (if not it becomes a tautology/ grammar confusion lol).

Because God is omniscient, He knows what He will accomplish in us. He knows what we will do, and what we would do, in any given circumstance. Thus, His plans for us will never fail; they will never be flawed by some missing piece of information, some unknown detail. God's plan and purpose for each and every believer is for our good, and for His glory. (ie And we know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose romans 8:28; another of the pccf-linked verses in my mind haha)

the reason i'm working through the logic here is coz, obviously, sometimes i wonder if it makes... sense. and i dont want to be a good person just coz i want to achieve something. i mean i've been there, done that for trying to achieve things on my own steam, determination and trying every way and means. the means must justify the ends; the ends do not ever justify the means. i used to think my life philosophy was determination, and plowing through things at all cost. nope, no longer. it doesnt work anyway guys, trust me on this one

that said, if i really believed that being a good person = magically i will get what i want, i guess that speaks for my utmost belief in God. which is good. haha

i guess you can think about it this way, good person = closer to God, know his perfect will = make life decisions based on that = manage to 'achieve' in the sense that it's what He has planned, cos u managed to discern properly so u chose the right path, so it worked out.

so that's what i'm aspiring to.
i'm not sure if my newish philosophy is really going to work
and i mean, in the end, i still work hard anyway (generally, ive totally been on a holiday in lala land since o&g ended)

but if it really works;
i'll let you know

until then, i think i should watch webcasts

oh i havent solved the dilemna of how to be a good person, i've only justified to myself that one should be a good person (no shit). well. it's difficulttt. i think i'll be trying to work on that for a loooong time to come hahaha

Thursday, December 6, 2012

hope

today's scripture reflections makes particular sense.

"We all live in hope, but is our hope certain and substantiated? Our hope is founded first and foremost on our trust in God. Faith is the requirement. We are often faced with crises and threatening situations in life. In such times, we need to humble ourselves before him,... secondly, we need to pray and contemplate... but it is not enough simply to listen and to trust; we must listen to His words, obey them, and put them into action. Faith must be accompanied by action. Of course, we must always act through the strength and direction of the Lord. Only when we sense the Lord's presence accompanying us in all that we do, can we find peace and strength even in the face of adversity. We can be confident that everything will work out well and even unpleasant events and suffering will work out for our good. Never act except by the strength that comes from the Everlasting Rock."

today i was saved from something, small thing perhaps, yet it was an echo of something else really big that sent ripples through my whole life. something that shaped me as a person, tested me and my faith, and that ultimately spit me out better than i was before.

the world breaks everyone and afterward, some are strong in the broken places
- ernest hemingway

not only that, i was shown in a microcosm... hope

on a less waffly note, the scripture reflection is good coz it gives concrete advice. you can't just sit around hoping which i do all the time. you need to pray & contemplate, listen, and most importantly ACT. just make sure you act in accordance with his will

every season of my life, i learn just a little bit more about how to live this life. it's like one gigantic puzzle piece & you wonder why cant you just learn it all at once, but i guess that's the point.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

holding onto gravity

i say farewell to the remaining pieces of you
each time i try to erase you,
everything completely breaks down
in this endless time,
in all of this space
again i take the remaining pieces of promises,

each time i think of you,
that time completely freezes up
it's no use even though i try
i cant turn things back like in the movies,
like it was a lie
- nell, white night

The footfalls are strangely heavy.
 I feel as if I sense
the weight of the air.
 As if the entirety of the
world’s gravity sojourns in me.

Even though I try to turn while
 holding back a tear,
 biting down on the lips,
 My heart still faces towards you,

I wonder if I can forget,
 The words that would icily pierce,
 The words of “please let me go”.
 I wonder if they can be forgotten.
 
If you stay, If you leave,
 The end is always the same.
- nell, holding onto gravity

my prayer is just to be able to move on completely. i want to have nothing to do with this, ever again. i dont want to be stuck in this forever. i guess sometimes you hear songs on the radio, or you read poetry, and you feel that it's so beautiful, that it's so meaningful, and that feeds the romantics. i just dont even want to do that anymore. (nell's new songs are beautiful though).

i dont want to hold on to this gravity anymore i don't want to be stuck on this merrygoround anymore. i want to break out of this neverending cycle. the question is just how

sometimes, we get stuck. sometimes it's out of our own volition, cos it's so comfortable/ comforting to stay on the same spot, in the same warm dark space. sometimes we venture out but we always find ourselves back at the same place again. it doesnt have to be a physical spot at all it can be existing nowhere on earth but in a microscopic drawer in your brain. it's so easy to keep coming back to it, the things which cannot be refuted. going round and round the things you know are, and arent true. there isnt anyone to tell you otherwise.

ive tried a thousand times, maybe it will work this time.

clear day, cloudy day


their voices.... speechless

Yesterday was a clear day, today is a cloudy day
Do you know tomorrow’s weather?
The weather reports are never right
The skies are black and silent
It’s raining here, it’s raining inside of me
The clouds are always gray yeah yeah
The sun always rises and sets yeah yeah yeah
This rainy night is not too bad
How’s the weather for you?
Yeah yeah yeah
For some reason, it seems like it’ll be a clear morning tomorrow

was totally speechless when i read the first few lines, coz it sounded eerily like a poem i wrote ages ago, in a time where the weather changed madly from morning to afternoon to night; in a time when i never knew when it would be rainy or sunny we used to say, if it rains in the morning it'll be sunshiny in the afternoon "in the middle of winter, i found an invincible summer" my personal motto is to keep running towards the impossible futures. today's wild dream is tomorrow's reality; i know that well enough. so even when it seems too hard to even take one step towards that, when it seems like nothing you do will ever change anything, you have to keep going. simple truths to live by

i believe strongly that every unanswered prayer is either for an excellent reason, or will someday be answered in a way that is better than i could have ever imagined. i'm not angsty currently haha (in fact just watched some particularly awesome dramas zomg so nice!!), but this song brought back memories. and i guess i've been thinking a lot lately. i believe.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

2012 in summary

jan - i love these days when it all becomes clear... God's plan, inasmuch of its entirely as i am allowed to see now.

feb - on why i dont believe in rainbows
(right after this i saw a rainbow, wrote a poem about it, and got a miracle)
march - the 6am wakeup calls are starting aurgh
apr - whoa. thrombosed haemorrhoids
may - (picture of person head-desking)God I pray - for those who need motivation
june - glorious slackery.
(exams just ended)
july - friday was such a happy day!!/ YEAH I CAN DO THIS GO GO GO *random self-talk* ONE MORE DAY COME ON
aug - pureadrenaline. had my first emed shift yesterday, and today had lectures from 10am all the way to around 9pm.
sept - ummm... so i think psych is making me a little depressed after all. haha
oct - superhero.
nov - jesus take the wheel
dec - why do people chase after dreams?
~

it's december!! time has passed so fast... one year ago i was halfway thru year 3, and now suddenly yr 4 is ending (at least i sincerely hope i pass the exams), and we're going to be immersed in SIP soon? more importantly... CHRISTMAS!! its just such a happy season.

the other day i received a rather happy unexpected email :) havent had a miracle in a long time (not that i expect the universe to owe me anything!) but it's just such a happy surprise. let's hope it works out. just had such extremely low expectations that i was uber surprised.
why do people chase after dreams?
we cry so much over it yet we still hope for tomorrow


any time... any fate... the road to no end
hope is my only guide through now


i dont regret, and i can no longer turn back
a drawing of the scene that won't fade away


i am covered in bruises
it hurts, even though i know it's better to give up


any time... any fate... i look to the sky
until the day when my wish comes true


kara's seungyeon - guilty

awake at 3am doing forensic path essay.

have been slacking off for 2 weeks, some parts of it have been more glorious than others. the last few days have been characterized by extreme fatigue, mild dyspepsia [the usual]. had to literally drag myself to the last day of posting today.

anyway it's the weekend now! last bit of freedom, but i also realized from this posting that i quite like clinical postings and seeing patients to hammer in the info, it just sticks so much better that way!! 2 more weeks and then HOLIDAY! although i might need to start mugging for end of year exams. but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

you are more

was reflecting on why, despite meeting S so randomly so many times & feeling called to help out with the youth ministry in church, i didn't ever go, and it's nearly 1.5 years already. part of it is inertia, most of it is the residual stuff that i cant really... let... go. i actually feel it is the right decision to not help out since i think there is a best way for everyone to put their gifts to use, and mine really doesnt lie in this area. as to why i felt the calling in the random meetings, i think it's something to do with the effects of chance/ coincidence, and more of a general rather than specific calling. and literally, i wouldnt know what to do with 14 yr olds. i have no clue.


and then i found this v encouraging song while fbing, so totally worth it lol.


you are more than the choices that you've made
you are more than the sum of your past mistakes
you are more than the problems you create
you've been remade

well she tries to believe it
that she's been given new life
but she can't shake the feeling
that it's not true tonight

'cause this is not about what you've done
but what's been done for you
this is not about where you've been
but where your brokenness brings you to
this is not about what you feel
but what He felt to forgive you
and what He felt to make you loved

~
really resonated with me

Monday, November 26, 2012

it was so that it would feel like nothing to me

everything that i pointed towards you that wasn't love
it was only because i wanted to believe that it was
the light that was brightly shining, the dark path in front of me

caffeine

It’s late, I need to sleep and I already counted all the sheep in my head

Cause you’re like caffeine, I can’t fall asleep all night
My heart keeps racing and again, I hate you
Like caffeine, I try to stay away
I try to forget about you but I can’t do it, I can’t help it



after today, i realized that i will never forget you; it's impossible
time passes and i find rainbows
but i can't forget the rain
the memory of the raindrops






Saturday, November 24, 2012

rainbow cupcakes

i'm sitting in starbucks doing cytopathology notes + ingesting cranberry white choc mocha :) it was v nice. i really think im slacking too much this week hahaha but i need the breakk!!

and of course, looking up muffin/ cheesecake recipes.

zzz i want to slack

but since i alr ingested the entire cranberry choc mocha drink im suspecting i should spend the happy-mojo-vibes on mugging. really donch feel like mugging this, it's craazy boring!! i would much rather mug eye/ ent instead but i guess the patho stuff has to be mugged SOMETIME. makes me realize how much i appreciate clinical stuffs as opposed to just sitting in a room theorizing about things. like once i wanted to give my HO my case record to mark and i went looking for her and the whole team was watching the cardio reg do a bedside ultrasound of the heart (!!) uber awesome. or just being in the clinics having my o&g tutor let me clerk every single pt. even though it was so scary and i kept going round in circles vis a vis the air travel in pregnancy thing LOL it was at least fun. and humanizing.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Hi world,

Things i want to rmb
- had a lovely dinner with nat & sharon at saveur :) ate duck + dessert mm

things to do
- watch life of pi/ the hobbit
- run tmr, really!!!
- practice with fondant. Tried this icing recipe today which was i must say rather painful loll
- go cmg bible study! A asked me about it today, ive been meaning to ask her about it so it was a happy coincidence/ a sign? Haha. I kinda want to do his right this time if u know what i mean so yeah. Praying that permission will be given but somehow i think it will be.

These gutfeeling things, they always seem to work out even if i dont expect them to :)

trust. must start mugging for patho but srsly i think im enjoyingg this slackness. Haha.

also YAY successfully made a chocolate cake

Monday, November 19, 2012

cranberry white chocolate mocha

AWAITS ME. omg. i cant wait!

anyway so i successfully completed the o&g eopt, the definition of success meaning that i finished the paper LOL. went to watch skyfall with my cg afterwards, and then home for LOTS of glorious slack guilt-free drama watching. i finished up nice guy which had an amazing ending. seriously. song joong ki + happy ending + rose colored camera lenses and a seaside town filled with pastel sunsets, benches, meaningful looks and remembering. saturday was more slacking + gym, sunday was KINO + massive shopping.

and now it's 9-5 patho lectures >< aurgh okay even though its very sian and all that, i will not forget my initial uhm enthusiasm for this. lol. actually the patho lectures are more interesting than expected. like after we escaped for a break we came back to find that it was a treasure-hunt like thing where the tutor gave us an index card with clues and we were supposed to find the pot and answer the qn on the card. we had NO IDEA what it was but amazingly c managed to find the right pot [and i mean there werent any other yellow nodular things anyway]. so anyway quite fun, i think they should make more cluedo games in med school. i was really awake thruout the whole lecture which was pretty rare, but i guess i did spend most of the weekend when i wasnt doing fun stuff snoozing away so heh.

yay i dont know why but i just feel happy :)

Thursday, November 15, 2012

last advice

hi world,

last day of o&g was yesterday! it actually went pretty well [all things considered]. we had a really useful osce practice session in the morning, one last obs-style lunch in labor ward with the other cgs, wrote my tutor a card, watched one last delivery [!!] :) it was quite a nice ending. it was an ivf pregnancy too, so as i went home i couldnt help but keep thinking how incredibly happy the parents must have been, for a cute, squalling, kicking and squealing healthy baby when they initially thought it would be impossible. out of the whole of o&g, i think watching babies being born is really the loveliest part!! it wasnt as happening as i thought it would be since the delivery load is so small, but what little i saw was a really cool life experience :)

at night, i had a rather religious-themed skype convo with nic haha which was REALLY GOOD we discussed stuff ive been thinking about for ages, it showed me that im on the right path [kinda...] and okay, sometimes we fall off the tightrope but i mean it's understandable whyy right lol & it doesnt mean you're bad for it, it's just kinda... the human condition. plus on why kids = good. i seriously think that everywhere i've been God sends friends to look out for me/ keep me on the righter path than usual... d, nic, r...

anyway exam is tomorrow. ARGh. off to learn about hagar's dilator

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

it's like that anyway

random stuff first

i love how in o&g the first thing you always say (apart from "i would watch and observe") is "i will call for help" and "don't panic". HAHAH. i mean... can you imagine saying that during your gen surg short case or something. but really for shoulder dystocia the first thing is CALL FOR HELP before doing the mc roberts, etc etc. in fact the memonic is HELLPER. haha. anyway

even though o&g is EXTREMELY stressful, i'm enjoying the experience in a weird kinda way. like in a we're all in this together kinda way. i won't lie and say that it's a completely bump-free holiday in neverland, but it's kind of like a marathon i didnt train properly for, but completed anyway. it's kind of like how in cross, people clap to encourage each other when they pass each other on a trail deep in the forest even if they dont really know each other. it's enough that on a random saturday, two human beings are running in the forest and at risk of being mauled by monkeys. it's just kinda weirdly enjoyable. if we survive the final days of the posting, that is. aughh. i also kinda liked having another person under the same tutor as me haha so it was quite fun discussing stuff

some pseudophilosophical thoughts in my mind:
i ve always wondered why specifically must i go to edin, and come back. coz i am 100% certain that both events were miracles beyond my comphrehension, beyond my ability and what i deserve, so there must be something in the specificity of it all, of this unique thing that no-one except me has done. [okay and maybe one or two others.]

there are a few things i can think of with some hindsight - the whole thing definitely brought me closer to God. when i read around the time when i was still unsure of whether it would all work or not, i am stunned at the sheer tenacity and maturity of faith that comes through. ok, granted, i do know that i wasnt feeling too great or mature at the time, i think more than anything i was confused, because i kind of did have this sense that it would work out, yet it didnt seem to be working, so i wasn't sure why i had these desires and wants and why i couldnt just calmly live my life not wishing for something impossible.

but even when i was truthfully documenting my confusion down, i think it comes through that i ultimately held on to the goodness of God. and that i just wanted the people around me to believe in the goodness of him too. in the end, i didn't ever want this for the sake of achievement, like oh i am v pro [which anyway i know to be untrue] or whatever, i mostly wanted the people around me to believe in his Goodness again. it really hurt me that i had nothing to show to prove how good he was. how i could believe in his Goodness through all of that, lol, i have no idea. i think there are definitely lesser things; material; mortal things that i have easily lost faith through. petty squabbles that no longer mean anything, soap bubbles, wine that evaporates overnight. so i'm really glad for that :) it makes me so proud of my past self to know that i conducted myself well in the past. not so sure if ive conducted myself quite so well since then, but oh well, haha.

another thing is that it really made me appreciate medicine a lot more. i mean yea of course it's my dream, something ive always wanted, etc. i guess reccently as i come to think about my residency choices and want peds a lot, similar to my medicine-obsession since jc, i've sort of lost the gratitude and appreciation of the whole medicine thing. i spend my time wondering if i'm worthy, wondering why i cant ever get beyond the 50th percentile of the class, going on sundays to clerk patients [only during this rotation; well okay we dont have a choice since we already get massacred at ward rounds on mondays even when going, imagine if we have nothing to say, hahaha!].

but you know, honestly, so many miracles have already occured that i dont think i can and should be so greedy about it. after all, medicine is something i wished for so badly that sometimes, the only thing keeping me in the balance was this bright dream, the compulsive feeling that this is it, this is worth it even though it's hard. even when other people tell me things that tip the balance, i gritted my teeth and stuck it through, because medicine really did mean that much to me. i guess in a time where it's all so easy and taken for granted, when your thoughts are on higher things [and i mean like on post-grad stuff, not on more virtuous and commendable thoughts], you dont really sit here and think "wow, i love medicine so so much that even if people or situations are not ideal, it doesnt matter cos i have medicine!! *hugs davidsons*"

haha kidding, but you get the idea

i mean but i think, it's good to focus on the future too, for obvious reasons, God gave us talents and we're not supposed to bury them and wait for him to return, we're supposed to use them wisely for his glory.

just that, on reflection, i think that love for God and love for medicine are 2 great gifts that he gave me. maybe i could have honed these anyway if i'd gotten the normal thing. but then again, who ever knows right. i think its far more likely that id just spend my time caught up in revision, with the only angst being about each upcoming test (like right now... haha).

so it's good.

and about residency, maybe o&g has just turned my brain into mush but honestly i dont really care too much anymore. i'll apply for my dreams and also for transitional year i guess, but i think ultimately God will lead me. and that's the best, isn't it?

and yeah maybe i've said this a hundred times before, these thoughts, but not with such clarity LOL.
i just feel very chillax now, even though i should feel very stressed about exams. they just come and go and it's like okay whateveR.

things i want to do at some point
1. go for the catholic medical guild bible study [maybe wait til d comes back for hols then go with him??]
2. the kids ministry in church needs help. they're 5-6yo. arghhhh!! i so so want to do this
3. find a residency/ future career in which i can bring the greatest glory to God. currently, im actually of the belief that peds is oversuscribed and psych can help depressed people which is definitely doing God's work. it's just that i love peds, and... sigh.... that said, i mean children are close to the Kingdom of God, so it isnt wrong to love them, right? and i mean helping little children get well is always good. i'm sure God might just as well say "thank you for sacrificing all those weekends to do calls to help those little kids with asthma/ febrile fits/ GE" as well as "thank you for helping all those 10000 depressed people". and it's not like i came into medicine with the express purpose to do psych stuff anyway... but i do like the brain, it's a fascinating organ. but then again i wanted to be a surgeon/ neurosurgeon. my password for many years was surgeon101. HAHA. so.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

the truth about reality

happy thing: my o&g tutor emailed me back (i feel very funny discussing case writeups via email, but okay...) to say that i got 8/10 for my second writeup! YAY. worth going back last sunday and all the confusing swopping of beds. maybe cos i really felt for the patient and really liked her. it could be.

tonight i shall
1. type out the osse session we had on friday
2. finish shoulder dystocia
3. do PID/ STIs/ all the infection thingies

had a really good 14k run, 35mins there and 45 mins back, and 5 minutes sitting in the botanics contemplating life. those five minutes always seem like the happiest times of my life, making the run so worth it. it just always makes the world seem so illuminated, full of happy things. but then again, even seeing people dressed in jogging attire/ in cycling gear on triathalon bikes heading towards botanics on an average morning at 730 from the car window makes me feel happy. even looking at triathalon magazines, full of sweaty people who've just done an ironman at kona makes me feel full of endorphins.

 i guess running/ working out does take a lot of time out of the rest of life, i wont deny it. but as eric liddell said, something along the lines of when he runs, he feels God's pleasure. i think it's something like that too. when i run, i feel that God is awesome and great, and i always pray that i can keep running for a very very long time. which is part of the reason why i cross train with other stuff as well coz if i just ran 14k everyday i'd get OA really fast. also, i just like combat. haha.  i think it also makes me a better person coz if i dont get to run or workout i get serious cabin fever and start to get really pissed off with life. or maybe ive become addicted to the endorphins, that's a real possibility. but i'm just grateful that i have the opportunity to do all these, the time to do all this (miraculously) and that ive had no injuries or anything in all the time ive been running, it's really amazing. today i thank you for the gift of running, God. thank you that i somehow got started on this journey, that my friends in jc encouraged me to join cross (even though they both dropped out after lol), that it inspires me in my everyday life and provides a metaphor for getting through hard times. that it can still bring me so much joy, and makes me feel so close to the universe and to you, running through the leaves, the branches, the rain.

reminds me of the perennial joke during jc when all the track & cross people had a meeting, and j got back to the class first, and a, m and i got there much later, and our form teacher was like "how come j got back so fast" and a was like "cos he's a sprinter, we're in cross country"

okay im a bit high on endorphins as you can tell. hahaha. i should really apply myself to o&g but i have NO MOTIVATION fdkjjghdf

love in the milky way cafe

i'll float a rainbow on your teacup

love love love 10cm

dreaming of cafes and coffee and all things bright and beautiful. but unfortunately i need to mug. such a discrepancy between the dream-world and the real world.

can we just never grow up

i think i have an alice in wonderland complex.

i think its cool to wander around not really knowing what's going on, to run and not reach anywhere, to do things without any consequence. you wake up & it's all a dream. last night, in my dreams, i fought two wars. i think i won. like literally i was a warrior/ part of the freedom fighters, that kinda thing. i think i read too many scifi/ fantasy books in my lifetime.

one more week, this sounds so banal & i'm quite tired and i cant really amp up the enthusiasm but i guess i will have to

i heard about you reccently
i still eat ramen everyday
i'm getting older but my tastes havent changed
i'm fine thank you and you?

Friday, November 9, 2012

one more week. must really mug ugh. we had a revision session today with a v nice tutor though yay. 2 really nice tutors actually. it does make all the difference when the tutor is nice and funny haha

currently so sleepy that i cant even hold a thought long enough in my mind to hold a conversation sigh

i will mug
1. instrumental delivery
2. breech delivery
3. 1 osse set

then STARBUCKS yes

Thursday, November 8, 2012

sunshine



this song is so pretty :)

so continuing my highly unexciting life, i really need to finish my gyne writeup in the next 2 hours and send it off. just received the really terrifically bad feedback about my obs writeup SOB so better do this properly. actually i knew the stuff just didnt write it down bleh i guess i can't assume that everyone knows it so i shouldnt say the obvious, since med students often dont know things anywaY.

all i did yesterday is... uhh... gym. oh well. it makes me feel really badass, which i love. like i feel that if one day i need to fight anyone in a dark alley with flying kicks and karate chops, i totally could. i probably can't, but it's nice to have that self-confidence of fighting to the end lol.

we've been having a lot of exhausting slides teaching which are EXCELLENT, not to mention hilarious thanks to the sarcasm of the tutors. one slide was of a foot presentation during delivery and the person doing the slide was totally stumped so the tutor kept going "what has 5 small round things? and CREASES?" and everyone was giggling and the person still didnt know heh.

been thinking a lot lately, my general philosophy on life is that when things are confusing/uncertain/ notsure why it's that way, there are always lessons to be learned & things to be improved.

also i'm beginning to waver towards psych [even tho i now no longer have any psych electives, good job...]. i just feel like it's a very meaningful specialty and also is intellectually interesting. i mean the workings of the mind! plus i'm relatively good at it [the first standardized patient encounter was a FLUKE hahaha subsequent ones people all said i was good okaayyy]. unlike geri which makes me really feel depressed all day long, and makes me feel like life is NOTWORTHLIVING & we're all going to die horrible deaths alone in hospitals with no kith or kin who care about us and dpfghdfljg it's just souldestroying. im sorry. think geri is really meaningful too, and palliative too, and i really admired the work the palliative doctors did during my 1 week rotation in ttsh pall med, and they were really kind, inspiring and charismatic people, but it takes a certain character to do it and i dont have that character/ it feeds in too much into my fears. whereas while i used to always say I'M LOSING IT, i dont really have an innate fear of going crazy or anything. yeah, who would have though lol. as in i dont think the point is to do something which makes you literally unhappy since the special feature of medical training is you take something you love and are crazy about and do calls/ overtime until you just want to explode, so you better really like & enjoy it superbly to begin with.

*justifies self*

anyway but im just beginning to think that id like to do something more for the good of others rather than pursue one of those -academic- pathways where you do subspecialties in exciting sounding things cos they just sound so cool, and have politics, and things like that. i just want to help people. cheesy as that sounds. also it's silly since i've been so wrapped up in day to day surviving and tons of papers and computers that i doubt ive helped anyone much since the start of med sch. or a levels. or secondary sch. or... it goes a long way back, you get the idea. as in basically i dont want to have to think so much about the background mechanism and just have patients be a whole pile of blue letters to see, or something. but then again, with caseload, it just inevitably piles up. im sure doctors care somewhere inside of them that their patients do ok (plus, obviously there is some inherent selfinterest in that it's bad if they dont do well lol).

then again, if i do child psych, it's totally going back to what i love to do anyway aka peds so it's more self-serving than others-serving, since i'm doing what makes me happy.

and then again, what's wrong with doing what makes you happy?!

on that note, shall finish my gyne writeup discussion. HAI

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

things that i couldn't say

hi world. it is currently 1am and i am writing a very long-winded writeup. and i need to get up by 630. on the bright side, if i streamline my morning routine to eat-toast-out-of-door-go! i guess i should be able to hit the snooze button til 7 lol

things to do emergently aka triage list
1. finish gyn writeup and send by tomorrow night. or 1am the next day, same difference
2. get my tutor to sign my logbook & fill in missing fields in minicex forms, hand mini-cex forms up
3. email tutor to let him know my elective has been approved by DO
4. clerk patients in preparation for ward rounds on thurs/ fri
5. print out past yr mcqs and start mugging in earnest. IT'S 60%. i should be more stressed about eopt, but the truth is the day-to-day stressors of the tutorials/ wards/ writeups/ mini-cexes make me feel like it's really hard to look past to more long-term things. like the eopt. lol.

things that make me happy currently
1. full house take 2 + the soundtrack. LOVE. it's really so zany and over the top, totally my thing. plus yet you really feel for the characters. anyway had a very nice chillax time watching it this evening, yes i am very slack...
2. urban zakapa
3. gym tomorrow. I MUST REALLY GO ZOMG no matter what it takes
4. we had a really good tutorial with 60 slides and we learnt a lot! really grateful. even though the tutor is really strict and demands a lot, i do feel that [assuming your rep survives the public humiliation, which im not too sure mine did...] we gained a lot from all the excellent teaching he gives. okay i have one more ward round to survive so the jury is out on this. thank goodness i have only 3 patients next week. anyway if i survive it i shall give him chocolate. coz that's what i do to express gratitude, im a chocolate & cookie producing factory haha
5. i had a really nice nap upon reaching home around 6+ haha
6. thinking of nice places to go eat with friends. i really want to go to strangers reunion!! nat? sharon? haha. wanted to call nat to go today but duke seems to have tonsss of exams & it was raining & anyway it was closed today so luckily never go. SOON.


Getting farther away the more I try to hold on
Getting more exhausted the more I try
Crumbling down so emptily like that

* Why do we love?
Why do we separate?
With different relationships, with different loves
It hurts the same – always the same separation

Always getting nervous in case I lose you
Becoming numb from receiving scars
Telling myself it’ll really be different this time
Having that useless hope and giving my trust again

Why do we, Why we fall in love
Why do we, Why we fail in love
Becoming more and more pitiful because of greed
Getting farther away the more I try to hold on
- all the same, urban zakapa

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

moments

today when talking to my patient and she started commiserating with me about strict tutors LOL. she was like, what happens if u can't answer the questions? me: haha i think nothing happens really except everyone will think u are really stupid i presume?

reminded me of the cute kid in kk we kept meeting and how the scary prof was holding this tutorial over his bed literally and i attempted to distract him with angry birds on my phone but since he was like p5, he TOTALLY understood what it means to be scolded by a teacher cos u dunno the answer so he kept looking up at us with this mixture of innocence and awkward i-think-the-teacher-is-scolding-you-leh look haha SO CUTE.

haha but anyway even tho it was stressful today it was actually quite good! it's just scary in the moment but it's equally scary for everyone. i mean i knew my stuff except for really weird qns that no-one else knew either. well worth the stress of going back on sunday to clerk patients, and of frantically reading up on the conditions.

i've learnt from this that you really need to put God first beyond everything. it stands out so clearly  in my mindscape. skip church for clerking = terrible distastrous presentation anyway. wake up at odd hours to go to early mass & travel all over the island strangely & skip doing things i like and which are impt to my sanity = miraculously good presentation on a complicated topic. if that's the lesson i'm meant to learn from this, i'm more than happy to learn it.

another thought is that i need to be nicer to people in my daily life even if it's difficult. sometimes you have lots of things to do and you snap at people out of frustration but it isnt really their fault cos u just feel pissed at life/ dunno how you're going to do everything you're supposed to.

not that things are measured solely in achievements but it's just that... it's like running and you stay on the same spot. if i want to choose the path where i can do God's work thru medicine, i cant get there by mugging my head off, the ends dont justify the means.

important lessons to learn.

anyway, more clerking gloriousness (not) tomorrow sighs.

we had chocolate chip dough b&j today in the kopitiam and it was YUM :):)

Monday, November 5, 2012

went to church today :) i have confidence that next week is gonna be GREAT. well at least i certainly hope so.

just a smattering of thoughts:
read on a friend's blog [as part of a hearteningly open-minded entry] that she has never fallen so low that she needed a higher being to save her. which really made me appreciate that the lows in my life always without fail draw me closer to God. i guess if you wanna have the kiasu sg approach then lows are always BAD, i guess, but when you think about how much it brings you closer to God & eternity then i say, they're totally worthwhile.
it's only when you feel that humans are untrustable, that you can't run on your own steam anymore, that you need a miracle cos by human arithmatic, you won't meet the complex algebraic formula anymore, that you realise the need for God. if i had gotten everything i wanted, ever, i would probably be really puffed up with self esteem. i know that i dont deserve where i am today. sure, i have a base level of self esteem [i know right most people dont know this HAHA] maybe thanks to being in gep all my life & stuff, even tho i kinda know i got in based on my linguistic skillz and not really my math since i really suck at maths. but even that i know comes from God. even my determination is all very good, but again, it's God who gave me that trait. so in a way, i'm happy that i have been shaped this way. even though the years have been filled with their fair share of angst and worry and stress; things i should have gotten and didnt, they are also chock-full of happy memories, beloved friends, hilarious moments, and successes that often i didn't deserve. the funny thing is that usually when i deserve something i dont get it, and when i dont, i usually get it. oh well. by this logic i'll be getting my dream residency then .

i feel much better bout life since i was able to spill to david whom i caught on skype just now... and i spilled to nic too the other day. really love that my friends are so willing to listen, in fact, i used to need so much listening ears in the past that this is probably tame and nothing to them HAHAHA. another good side-effect of previous angsts.

sometimes also you feel like you need History to feel Special. like you are Scarred and it is Noteworthy. i dont think it is really. i am just as carefree in opening up to people as usual HAHA. in fact, i guess i kind of seek out companionship on a level as awesome as i used to know. cos duhhhh its just nice to have close friends and you know you've got their back and vice versa. maybe the only thing i do differently is i dont spill ALL ABOUT MY LIFE AND LOVES AND ANGSTS until my friends turn tail and run. yeah. i dont do that anymore. LOL. it's called evolution yo.

i'm scared for tomorrow i really am. i know consciously this week is gonna be good since i went to church yea i know logic right but let's put it this way, it isnt a zero-sum game, it's that i have the blessings and all the graces, and i was able to put my prayers up to God. last week i skipped it to clerk patients and monday was a DISASTER that literally sent me spiralling into depression the whole week. im not even kidding. both my fault and... okay it was mainly my fault but i think Life could have been nicer about it. haha. anyway ive learnt my lesson and hoping tomorrow will be less bad. i mean no matter how bad it can be, i KNOW God is watching over me.

and as for why he didnt save me last mon, apart from me not going to church (like i said, it's not a give and take thing), maybe i needed to learn something. about putting Him first, about the true natures of others, about the importance of being thorough. it'll make me a better ho/ resident next time.

but the main thing is - love the Lord your God and love your neighbor as you do yourself.

it's 1am. i think i should really really sleep now. putting it all in God's hands.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

mid-afternoon on saturday post-call, feeling satisfied with life :) 

last week was rather bad no doubt and solidified my decision never to touch o&g with a foot long pole again after this academic yr: ie around feb 2013. 

BUT as always seems to happen, the tide turned! friday was GREAT. i did BOTH mini-cexes for an average of 70% which i was totally not expected since my fellow mentee kept priming me that everyone before did really terribly and the post-op patient minicex thingy on thurs was BAD to the point that when i came into the msc he was like 'how did she fail you?!" me "no la she said she'll give us a new case on friday instead cos that's fairer". i finished & submitted my writeup and slept in until like 11am, thanks to getting an afternoon instead of morning clinic. i did call, stayed the whole night, and witnessed a delivery :):) 

now all i have to do is ROCK monday, as in rock & roll not rock the boat, since i already rocked it quite a lot last monday. 

anyway, i know who i have to thank. literally i was praying the whole long mrt journey to school on friday that everything would go okay cos everything was just going so WEIRDLY this past week. now just to finish up the requirements and be DONE with this whole shebang. i'm going to be a happy bunny next week! 

i fixed everything you wanted me to but where are you
this awkward day is flowing by
geeks - officially missing you, too
the rapping part is v cute!

no matter which night it is, 
i have the habit of not looking up at the sky
even if half of it is torn
i hate letting anyone find out

when i'm talking to anyone
i have the habit of keeping half of the words to myself
if i say it all
it feels like i'll be abandoned and i hate that intuition
-ailee, evening sky

tell me bout it. 

Thursday, November 1, 2012

jesus take the wheel

from our daily bread (one of those things i get in my email everyday along with notes from the universe)

Those who seek Him will praise the Lord. Let your heart live forever! —Psalm 22:26

Do you know which psalm is quoted most often in the New Testament? You may have guessed the familiar and beloved 23rd Psalm, but actually it is Psalm 22. This psalm begins with David’s poignant, heart-breaking words that were quoted by Jesus on the cross, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” (Matt. 27:46; Mark 15:34).

Imagine the situation David must have found himself in that caused him to cry out to God in this way. Notice that he felt forsaken and abandoned: “Why are You so far from helping me?” (Ps. 22:1). He also felt ignored: “O my God, I cry in the daytime, but You do not hear” (v.2).
Ever been there? Have you ever looked up into the heavens and wondered why it seemed that God had abandoned you, or was ignoring you? Welcome to David’s world. But for every plaintive cry David expresses, there is a characteristic of God mentioned that rescues him from despondency. Through it all, David discovers that God is holy (v.3), trustworthy (vv.4-5), a deliverer and rescuer (vv.8,20-21), and his strength (v.19).
Do you feel forsaken? Seek the Lord. Rehearse His character. And “let your heart rejoice with everlasting joy” (v.26 nlt). —Dave Branon

Lord, sometimes I feel as if You don’t care about my life. When those times come, please remind me of Your character as You did David. Help me to lean on You again and know that You are there. Even when we don’t sense God’s presence, His loving care is all around us.
i guess. even when it doesnt feel like it. it's just a series of unfortunate events. it's a looong time since i've last used that phrase, 2 years in fact. but you know what? the last book in that series is called the end. yes. so literary. haha. there is an end in sight.

its just one of those days, when you expected the cloud to have gone away ages ago, but it's still there and you dont know why. okay, i admit my font of knowledge isnt exactly the greatest in the whole world & never has been. but my ability to survive. where has that gone. i think i got lulled into this cushy everything is going great thing.

on the bright side, i got 71 for psych!! i have no idea if thats a good mark tbh but here, anything over 70 and i rejoice! so i'm just assuming it's good. yay. wahey! also considering the slightly desperate station of DYSTHYMIA where i kept asking the patient ARE YOU SURE THERE ISNT ANYTHING ELSE?! and how i was the only candidate possibly to do the entire relaxation therapy thingy during the panic attack station, and how all the marks came from that exam day [my case writeup was 8/10, and a hard earned one too from roger ho darn i wish it counted!!], i guess psych really ended lovelily for me. def something i will consider in the future.

off to be a superhero. there's a world that needs saving. there's disbelief that needs to be righted, and things that need to be done.

Lord, sometimes I feel as if You don’t care about my life. When those times come, please remind me of Your character as You did David. Help me to lean on You again and know that You are there. Even when we don’t sense God’s presence, His loving care is all around us.


dear God, even if right now i feel like things are going out of control, help me to remember this
oh and -


i hope to be back with some tales of miracles.

dont stop belivin'

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

same love same farewell

more urban zapaka :)

2.5 more weeks and this posting will be over!! between then i need to do both mini-cexes, finish up both writeups, and study for eopt. zzzzzzzzz.

anyway had some rather negative experiences today, which usually i try not to document HAHA but i decided to this time, because it reminded me of some important things

- people who arent nice to you arent worth your time
- people who judge you/ others based on a one-off thing, or superficially, are really the worst sort
- i've really been soakin' in the love for so long now that it's actually really long since anyone has been nasty to me; in fact i cant remember when was the last time anyone was less than lovely to me (surgeons excluded from this analysis).

anyway its just disgusting so i dont wanna say much, but just glad that i know now. some specimens of humankind are really not human sometimes i think

also - hurricane sandy = ughh. hope everyone is okay. clearly there are much more worse things in life than just an angsty day or a passing cutting comment (or quite a few actually, it made for quite a funny story to retell. thanks for that.)

Sunday, October 28, 2012

river

even if it's not you, even if it's someone better, they won't pass by like a flowing river

even if you understand, even if you throw the world away
when time passes, you will know
you dont have to understand things that are not understandable
you just have to believe in it
urban zapaka -- river

i think my writeup is around 80% complete? yay

Saturday, October 27, 2012

one more step

it's one of those weekends where you literally cant bring yourself to do ANYTHING.

i'm not even kidding.

unfortunately for me, here's what i had needed to do, which would have been difficult even had i been extremely motivated and productive

1. 2 case write ups, one obstetrics and one gynecology
2. mug for mini-cex to be done on monday, i presume either on antenatal care or post-menopausal bleeding.
3. go back to hospital to clerk a case for ward rounds on mon, becos ah sigh i wont get into it. but yes i guess it is good to clerk more cases, if only i didnt already feel like i was sinking in an OCEAN OF UNSTOPPABLE O&G WHICH I JUST WANT TO STOP NOW AURGH. yes. okay. i will be a good girl and clerk more tmr cos this will really benefit me. if i dont lose my sanity by the end of this.

4. watch a 1.5 hr online lecture on genital prolapse and do the accompanying mcq so i can take the end of posting test. yes. i so cant wait for this lovely test!!
5. synthesize all the lectures we've been having, for aforementioned end of posting test

unfortunately i'm having some weird gastric dyspepsia (??) lower abdo pain, but not the -usual- stuff which mandates that I CAN TAKE A DAY OFF. so anyway i've managed to waste the day away which means i have to do all of the above tomorrow! in which i was intending to gym + go church. that may or may not be possible anyway as horrific cramps may hit tomorrow in which case i wont do ANYTHING.

productivity at it's extreme

i am really so screwed.

darn this dyspepsia. i dont understand it. just be full blown cramps!! how can mild dyspepsia derail like. EVERYTHING.

anyway hopefully after typing this i can bring myself to do at least 90% of writeup, and do the genital prolapse lecture (too much optimism here i fear). i just aim for around 3 pages of writeup. cos this is just too painful for words

and hopefully i can drag myself to hospital tmr to clerk my assigned beds and get all the missing random details about my case writeups

and hopefully i can drag myself to hospital on mon without too much abdominal cramps and present cases and hand up case writeups and do mini-cex.

WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN

chocolate

lots of chocolate today :):)

thanks guys x 100. you bet i will bake lots of cakes for you guys in the future hahaha. requests now open. except if you want me to make like hogwarts i think that might be difficult to transport/ hide in a fridge LOL. not to mention actually making it ;p

no really. this even beats my biggest surprise (all my friends bursting into my flat in the middle of a skype conversation at midnight, i used to think that was the best birthday one could ever have, and felt really loved that night, and i still think it's an awesome memory to have)

somehow, this is really really lovely, it kind of tops even that in the lists of bests. in the middle of an extremely busy posting, to take the effort to plan out something, the time to to meander from place to place, it really means a lot to me. maybe it's because no matter how hardworking/ unhardworking/ confused about how hardworking we should or want to be --> me lol, we're all in this together. and med school is such a high-emotion, high stress, fun & exciting and endlessly discussable... beast that the bonds formed are something special.

i guess i just want to thank God that med sch is associated with so much happiness in my life, and that i have had such great friends in med school. when getting in, i am pretty sure that i wanted to get in so much that i always thought the friends component wasnt really important. but it really IS. it makes the dull, long parts so much more entertaining. and as we well know, it isnt all OH A BABY'S COMING OUT!! x 100, it's like looong waits in between, and excitement while there, is really opportunistic. plus, what's the point of an exciting or funny thing if you cant share it with anyone later

thank you guys for being there and for sharing all the exciting & funny things haha. i think that's what made the chocolate cake taste so sweet. even tho we also know we arent as happening as we somehow are reputed to be (lol?!) i think it's very genuine & sincere and just generally awesome.

also YES i finally have people to watch playhouse with!!! HUZZAH. i hope so. c please get into playhouse so we can all go to watch.

Friday, October 26, 2012

touch the sky

stream of consciousness:
yay long weekend just bumming around
i sincerely hope there's no clinics today since clearly im not there... shouldnt have clinics on public holidays right?!!

oh my birthday was the other day, it was pretty nice :) first i was pretty happy for the few days preceding (no idea why, but who's complaining right) then on the actual day itself we were just hanging round labor ward and we saw ECV!! which is SO RARE to see since most people do c-section. then upon further hanging around, a patient suddenly delivered. plus my friend who was on call had clerked her previously so she allowed us to watch. the baby was really cute too. YAY. plus the epistotomy session makes so much more sense now that i've watched the mo stitch her up. then there was fruitcake at night. oh and it was really nice to wake up to birthday messages. drenched in performance tasks and exams we used to scoff at the idea that rg/ rj would be the best times of our lives & the friends we made would be forever but we're like lightyears away from those now and nic, manyun, and nandita are still around *hearts* its really interesting to see how the wall of messages changes as time goes by. i guess it does really show you which of your friends endured LOL, and how your friends have changed as life goes on. but then again, to me, it's way more important to have lots of friends whereever you are [like if all your friends are somewhere else it clearly doesnt help very much] haha. so yay. i really felt teh love :)

just submitted 2 self arranged proposals for electives, FINALLY.
going for combat now! heck case writeup.


3 weeks in ward + uncountable amounts of osce sessions + finish mini-cexes = lots of unexpected stress coming up. hooray. guess i'd better enjoy this weekend while i can haha

Monday, October 22, 2012

zebra cakes

happy day today :) things are looking up, or maybe it's the mindset, i dont care~ or maybe i just prefer the OT env to endless clinics (for this specialty that is). or maybe this morning i freed myself by changing the o&g elective to rheumato + endo (the 2 IM specialties i am actually interested in! i didnt sign up for them becos i want to suck up for residency since im not applying to im anyway, i signed up cos i really genuinely need to see more of the aforementioned patients)

so today saw 2 ops, then had a long but good lecture from 2-6pm, and then clerked a patient and reached home at 8++ (thanks to the inefficiency of the route i took home today).

aim for tonight: finish up gyne writeup, try to read puerperium for tomorrow

i just feel so cheery. THIS IS GREAT, I'LL TAKE IT WHILE I CAN
cheerios

Sunday, October 21, 2012

run


No matter how much I run (I can’t escape from it).
If I look back while running (You’re still there).

It's pitch dark, the world moves on too fast.
The path I must walk is endless.
What’s at the end of this path?
Are you going there knowing about it?
Will I learn the answers if I go there with my eyes closed?
The sky that never responds to a such question.
The two arms tied up by a daily life is too heavy to embrace dreams.
Just for today run somewhere like you're crazy.

Run till you can touch the sky with your hands.
Run till your heart is filled with your dreams.
No matter how much I run, I’m still on the same spot.

My life is a rainy night that rains 365 days.
Heart that gets smaller in every 24 hours.
But carry the new day on your shoulder and run.
What am I running towards?
Whether the sun’s setting or if I’m losing…
I don’t know.
But I go.
Keep on runnin’ runnin’ runnin’ high.

For you, who’s running endlessly.
~

i love epik high. also, managed to get up sufficiently early this morning to get a 14k run in :) although it could be anywhere from 12-14k since i'm going by the time i take to run it, which obviously changes depending on my running fitness. it was 37mins there (so meaning somewhere between 6-7k depending on how fast i was?!) and around 45mins back. so around 1:22.

also, just need to watch infertility & vaginal prolapse and do the online mcqs and i'm done!! yay. the last time anyone asked i said 2-3 left but uh i think i kinda miscounted LOL.

i know right this is all very thrilling, NOT.

into the storm

new music in my ipod :) i am happy

i have decided as per normal that i wont let anything get me down & i shall be a happy bunny again. i have thought this to myself many times in the past week but it's just that nothing changed, and so i couldnt change my mindset

part of it is i really want to change my third elective but seeing how i shifted another very wanted and impt elective for that... it feels stupid to do something else instead. maybe it would have been better if i was in a hospital for this posting where babies pop out left right and center, i don't know. im just not loving this as much as i would have thought, and the ethical issues involved make it all a very hard fight that honestly, i find myself convincing myself that i like this and i want to do this. it's silly and there's no point doing that. i guess also people around me are telling me to do o&g and i wanted not to be unable to apply cos i didnt do an elective. but doing an elective at this same hospital, the thought of 6 weeks + ONE MORE MONTH doing this, fills me with dreaddd. i really shouldnt have changed things around the DAY BEFORE STARTING THE ROTATION. so brilliant.

sometimes you do things & it turns out it's cos God has his Plan and its all for the better. well, it might be, but in this case, im rather sure it's my own stupidity that God now has to fix the mess for me. (btw, just for the record, even tho i stress about this everyday, i have COMPLETE and utter faith that it will work out. it isnt feasible that it will all work out, but therein lies the beauty of it). it is when i am at my weakest, that You are at your strongest.

anyway im thinking of changing to do cardiosurg/ neurosurg/ some variant since i have 4 weeks to fill up. because i really do like cardiothoracic surg anyway. heck care if sgh has a lower cts caseload lah honestly if you love something, it's going to be awesome doing anything related to it. but need to think carefully since im having a bit of adhd with this electives thing, keep changing my mind and never stick to any one elective (cept the carefully guarded paeds one).

it's good to rule out o&g for sure though. cos i really did consider it muchly once. but ultimately in life, you CANT do things cos other people want you to. if i end up doing child psych in the future, im going to do it with the knowledge that it's something great that i love, and who cares if psych carries any stigma or whatever. honestly, it's all about the difference u make in other people's lives that matters. God certainly isnt in heaven judging which specialty is good or bad and he certainly wont think im a bad person just cos i didnt do optho or derm or o&g. but of course, i do really hope that the miracle will occur and i get into paeds. because it is impossible for me to get in, but with God, anything is possible

a thought that has come into my head many a time, is that if i get in, then you know a miracle has occured. becos statistically speaking, logically speaking, i dont deserve it (if you know you are going by the must-get-deans-list standard). and apparently 50 pple in our batch want paeds. (!!!).

so i guess the conclusion is this: find something you love and stick to it, no matter what anyone says.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

UP

good things
1. had a good clinic on friday
2. have done loads of VEs and speculum exams [which i take for granted but i think its def harder for guys to get the opportunity]
3. ....uh there arent that many good things lately... oh i just ate a hazelnut cookie yay

aim to finish the o&g lects this weekendd

and to gym at least once this weekend

and sigh it just feels like im just subsisting. i think the first 2 weeks of anything is always depressing. you go from knowing everything about a subject to nothing. there is -some- excitement about the newness but there are always new mini-cexes to do, new writeups [oh yeah i need to find writeup cases next week]. plus my elective organizing stresses me out. big time.

have weird epigastric discomfort too, no idea why. GRR

anyway yay next week is OT. the good thing about o&g is you are posted to a diff place every week or so, unlike surg where they dont post you specifically to the OT, it's very opportunistic. okay honestly i cant summon up much enthusiasm about life. i would love to say it is circumstantial but i think i shouldnt blame life too much. it doesnt really suck that much it just isnt really that awesome either.

i think im gonna get starbucks now

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

the thousand somethings of someone

There are only 3 things that can make your dreams come true, e, your thoughts, your words, and your actions.
Be the spark,
The Universe

They're all you have, e, and they're all you need.


this was apt for today's thoughts of i dont know where i'm going & what i need to do to get there, and how to do these things

high tide at race point

ahh i'm slacking off!!

1130-1230 pm mug antenatal assessments
1-2 travel to sgh
2-5 afternoon clinics [hopefully]
6-7 gym *hearts*

night watch pelvic masses, menopause lectures

so goes my grand plan

must not slack off. must not slack off.

how does one NOT THINK.  i think part of the problem is that i am seriously considering this for the future so it makes me more stressed out. but i also know that thinking too much is COUNTERPRODUCTIVE and i should just not think and study

uh but as you can see it is midday and i am slacking off. technically post call hahaha

one view is that i am a Contradictory person but really i think im just lazy.

i wish we had 5 elective months and i wish i knew what to do.

if you go by the view that you should do what is most needed, i think peds is oversuscribed and i should do childpsych instead cos i think they need more child psychiatrists. but i just changed my electives around cos i didnt want to do all peds electives, thereby obliterating my child psych elective!! aurgh. bad choice, bad choice. anyway why am i depending on my own human-ness and my wants. kids are cute. duh. its not that im that fantastic at dealing with kids anyway its just that im better than i expected of myself [read low expectations] and i had lots of toys and stickers. and kids just arent very judgemental to begin with

how do i justify this to myself; do i NEED to justify this to myself. do i need to find the most self-sacrificial job or are the long hours justifiable enough. is perhaps, MED SCH itself sacrificial enough that we deserve to find a job we enjoy when we grow up. are we supposed to enjoy work?! or is it meant to be a daily grind; daily battle. how much are you supposed to enjoy work really. grinning like a lunatic everyday cos it's so fun or is it okay to have some doubts sometimes. they say what should you choose but it's not just you choosing something, it has to choose you back too...

i think i need a sorting hat.

or maybe i just need a superhero.

or maybe i NEED to be a superhero. i need a cape right now to fly me to my afternoon clinics and overcome this postpseudocall inertia.

becos right now, by myself, i can't see how i can overcome this. how i can become bigger than the sum of my non-achievements. how if i fight time and space and win, how i can manage to accrue enough points to be acceptable to the Organizations.

is it just enough to Want it, cos this feels like lots of things i've Wanted in the past. pure wanting per se isnt really enough you know. not that i've deserved much things in the past. but still. i know enough to know the wanting itself isnt sufficient

what is that extra ingredient i need. can i ever get it?

can i ever be better than myself, can i ever transcend the hundreds of good and bad things that make up Me, and get There. where is There anyway. if work is going to be hard whatever i do, should i try so hard to find something i think i will like doing? if the endpoint is going to be the same anyway?

haha, just a multitude of thoughts, no conclusions. just needed to get it all out. its very confusing having so many thoughts run round your head.