About Me

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

sugar plums

surg! i thought it was pretty cool that on my first day i saw a lap chole + open chole BUT it turns out i kinda slipped into the wrong OT so it was the same team, but the OT i was supposed to be, they were doing WHIPPLES aarghh!! but then on the bright side i was basically really scared and didnt even introd myself to the surgeon except between the lap and open chole, so it was prob a good thing i didnt go into the other OT coz if i didnt introduce myself i would probably have been hurled out feet first; discovered at wardrounds today that the medstudent habit of slipping quietly and as unobstrusively as possible into things is not the greatest idea. SO small mercies.

anyway surg is obviously awesomely cool and all, but i dont quite feel the frission of excitement i felt in paeds? which is odd since i gave up my surgdreams not THAT long ago and i only gave it up becos of the really killer long hours not coz of lack of love for the coolness of surgery itself. funny that the sound of newborn babies crying during neonatology tutorials can seem so musical to the ear and so lovely but i dont feel anything even when watching operations? maybe i'm immune to watching them?? actually not true, i've only watched like a couple of TKRs in ortho before this. hm weird, but anyway, on an intellectual level im enjoying the new info in surg like the million classifications to learn.

and God's providence is increasingly made obvious like when i worked up my courage to join the other part of the team today and YOCH is the HO! really thank God becos i was able to follow her around &; get the list from her (obviously since i would recognise yoch like from a mile away).

haha it seems like just yesterday that i was randomly telling her stuff behind the couch in PCCF & she was telling me during one of the prayer sessions that she had just started gen med and she caused alot of haematomas or sth haha BUT she is SO PRO now seriously. i followed her to take out a central venous line which omg i would totally be hyperventilating if i had to do it but she was coolly doing it all, and asking me qns about central venous lines the whole time wow respect. but i think i must have kachoed her super alot these 2 days, so i feel really bad.

like coz i mean, should i ask this HO whom i know for help about random stuff, or shall i pace up & down the ward continuously, waiting for HOs and lists to magically appear? HMMM so of course... haha but anyway the HOs are all changing over tomorrow. the eternal flux of the hospital.

anyway i bought the surg text burkitts & i'm LOVING IT. like the textbook. literally. its like the answer to EVERY QN I COULD EVER HAVE. ive been flipping browse/ andre tan and everything is black & white, no comprehendo. but when i read the text, it's like LIGHTBULBS FLIPPING ON.

oh and fam med eopt went mercifully well. i'll need it, too, coz the rehab writeup i just submitted, all i can say is... it's slightly more than 1.5k words & it has all the rehab terminology. not even all. just the usual ICF, premorbid ADL indep blabla. bleh. that comes from doing a writeup at midnight your first real day of surg, and 2 weeks after u actually clerked the patient. and from only having the FIM score of the least exciting patient u clerked, not the lovely old man with a neuro cond but plays sudoku & who even makes medical students/ nurses play with him. hai. or the one with all the social issues you can write a long writeup about. oh well. i mean to be fair, they all deserve equal treatment, so they all deserve equaLLy a write up, right? ha ha lets hope my marker thinks so too. anyway off to read about surgical diets, and figure out exactly how ERCP is done. and let's hope i actually follow the right person ie my mentor to the right place at the right time to see the right thing and get a good case for writeup! or if not i shoulda just stayed in wonderland sighs.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

running in the rain

Out of all the races i have ever run, this is by far the hardest. But there is a hope, no matter how mad, that i can finish everything tonight. Not through my strength, for that's in the bahamas with buscopan. But from Him from whom all good things come. I'm running on pure faith now, the decision not to mc my way out of this.
okay, i acknowledge that i don't deserve to be saved.

the long and short of it is that i have spent a very miserable day dragging myself through loads of info that honestly i am not very interested in to begin with, but feeling i'm going to die independant of what activity im engaged in probably doesn't help. THANKS ROTAVIRUS.

another thing - i couldnt go for ash wednesday, which. utterly SUCKS. on the bright side, there isnt much meat in 100plus which has been my staple diet, so errr at least i didnt break any catholic fasting rules...

so clearly, i deserve this paaain.

but dear God, if you can hear me, please help me finish studying to the best of ability & please help the actual test be as painless a process as possible
Amen.

if i do well in this, it's a major miracle i tell you. that said, i JUST got a major miracle so...

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

tonight is a beautiful night

The winter had passed

And the spring has come

Used to the blue tears, blue sorrow
The love that I have sent away with the floating clouds, oh oh

Happiness is all self-talk
I can't stand something more complicated

Again tonight, underneath that blue moonlight
I will probably fall asleep alone

Even in my dreams, I look for you


 
it's finally here! okay so i shouldnt have read all that wislawa symborska before going to listen to kpop, because obviously the nobel-prize-winning poetry is going to read prettier. BUT the beauty here lies in the music. i'd say. it's really brilliant. especially since in their last song  Tonight they were singing 'i'll find you under the moonlight'. 
 
Happy, I swallowed a star.
I tell him what he wants to hear—
about ants dying of love
under a dandelion's constellation.
I swear that sprinkled with wine
a white rose will sing.
- extracts from drinkingwine by wislawa symborska

i'm really sleepy, and having dyspepsia as i study dyspepsia. but poetry & music never fails to make it a better night, no matter what time of the night it is

Four a.m.
The hour between night and day.
The hour between toss and turn.
The hour when the earth takes back its warm embrace.
The hour of cool drafts from extinguished stars.
The hour of do-we-vanish-too-without-a-trace.


Empty hour.
Hollow. Vain.
Rock bottom of all the other hours.


No one feels fine at four a.m.
If ants feel fine at four a.m.,
we're happy for the ants. And let five a.m. come
if we've got to go on living.

also i realise that wislawa symbroska likes to write about ants, and stars. apart from the fact that she is galaxies better than me, even if i were able to write lightyears better than i ever could, the similarities are mindboggling. i still remember my early poems about ants & moons. the rest of the space imagery i suspect came in the post h2g2 era. and yes i am currently obssessed with her poetry. haha.

as for big bang, nearly one year ago, i'm sure there were some nights where it felt like tonight was the only thing that made my universe turn. hahaha space imagery overload hahaha. no really. i havent waited for a song to be released & felt such an amazing gush of happiness when the song was played, and replayed, all that night and many nights thereafter. of course after one year it becomes a superbly overplayed song. but it never fails to evoke that sense of childlike wonder, and happiness, and joy, that it did then. in the middle of dreary exams & living from one exam to the other, it brought some measure of hope. now, i'm living out that hope; that dream, and it's more awesome than i could have dreamed of :)

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

a few words on the soul

And as if this was not enough,

you spin without a ticket in the carousel of the planets,
and along with it, dodging the fare, in the blizzard of galaxies,
through eras so astounding,
that nothing here on Earth can even twitch on time.

- here

i absolutely love wislawa szymborska's poetry. who ever knew the absence of things could be so beautiful. in other news, sheer boredom has led me to marathon dramas/ reading poems/ play reviews until i am sick of reading about them. today woulda been a perfect day to go to combat & punch out my frustration at memorizing memonics, plus the very handsome W is teaching, but i only have so much selfdiscipline in a day. and i dont want to do anything remotely resembling productivity in the evenings. in other news this is paying off coz i am now 9/20 of the way through common symptoms. let's not talk about retention rate, hahaha. acute retention of knowledge yo!

i can't actually remember when is the last time i studied so hard/ desperately, because for previous EOPTs, i prepared beforehand, as in there wasnt anything i had NEVER seen before, maybe more of expanding into the depth of the topics/ exactly what treatment/ exactly what random feature of the thing/ picture recognition for spot diagnosis. never have i started handwriting notes for a stack of notes almost AS THICK AS PRISCILLA'S INTERNAL MED, 1 week before the exam, not in year 3 that is. i can't say i miss the smell of desperation, not at all. and okay maybe paeds was rather content heavy but i was super mentally prepared to work hard in that right from the get go, so it was stressful + expectations, but i knew i was on track with something whatever it may have been. or maybe i've just forgotten all the stress thanks to fam med lulling me into a state of COMPLACENCY. why do people tell us there is nth to study for fam med, HELLO pendleton's 7 thingy thingy

overheard this morning
"oh the pendleton's thing is very important"
"yes it is!"
"the first one is reason for encounter, and the second one is..... uh i forgot already"
LOL.

anyway we had quite a fun radiology roundabout thingy, except since i practically have clinical ennui/ narcolepsy (hahah kidding) i was just zonked in general. but yes i learnt quite a bit, maybe weighing it up i would have skipped it to study for like fam med but i dunno i think its an exp that one doesnt get all along, yknow? and then i had a green waffle = HAPPY.

and then i studied so much that i consequently actually got bored of the poetry/ plays i used to alleviate the boredom of mugging. wow. but anyway, a nice poem!

THE RAILROAD STATION


My nonarrival in the city of N.
took place on the dot.
You'd been alerted
in my unmailed letter.

You were able not to be there
at the agreed-upon time.
The train pulled up at Platform 3.
A lot of people got out.

My absence joined the throng
as it made its way toward the exit.

Several women rushed
to take my place
in all that rush.

Somebody ran up to one of them.
I didn't know him,
but she recognized him
immediately.

The railroad station in the city of N.
passed its exam
in objective existence
with flying colors.

The whole remained in place.
Particulars scurried
along the designated tracks.

Even a rendezvous
took place as planned.
Beyond the reach
of our presence.

In the paradise lost
of probability.

Somewhere else.
Somewhere else.
How these little words ring.



Monday, February 20, 2012

fatigue

common symptom no 1: fatigue

I WONDER WHY

anyway, coffee & banana cake & meeting jeremy my junior randomly = yay! haha jeremy makes me think of _____ [who exactly i cant disclose for privacy reasons hahah] but really lovely people is all i can say

okay so ive done fatigue, halfway thru fever... and 18 more to go! and all of rehab/ fam med primer to go. aND all the mcqs. whoopee.

hi world

i am really bored studying for my eopt right now.

when watching a lecture last night:
lecturer: ...end of life blabla such as COPD
me: huh did he just say EOPT?

hahah

also i have sent off a new chain of emails that basically mean, right after finals = MAD LEARNING OF KOREAN, then fly off to ________, then fly home, then fly to korea. wow. i'm just a money sucking machine arent i. gah i hate myself and no this isnt teeny bopper angst, it's more of an huh why is electives suddenly so exp i just want to go to ttsh and learn about neurothings from the neurogods there! no dont get me wrong, i love korea obviously, its just that i really dont like indulgence but i have no. other. alternative. and did i mention i really like korea? haha. anyway. i vetoed this madidea some time back but as time goes on i realise i need to submit this thingy to get documents to send over to korea to just... GET THINGS GOING instead of bummingaround electivelimbo. anyway, they may not approve it, coz in korea they... speak korean. SURPRISE. then. i will really have no elective.

anyway! i'm going to buy coffee now. i dunno why i just feel so tired all the time honestly. it's better when im madly busy coz then i dont have time to think "i am tired", it is usually GOGOGO!! *runs like headless chicken from one end of the hosp to the other*.

anyway. yet another lecture. i must really start 20 common symptoms!! i should have studied harder right, instead of gloriously bumming away. oops! haha

Sunday, February 19, 2012

alive

big bang is coming back!! can't wait can't wait :D

there are some things i would love to say now, but i'm not sure if there ever is a right time. yeahh cliche

however, i feel like talking about poetry (as usual. hehe) i read some stuff last night that made me realise just how flippant my poetry is. i am relying COMPLETELY on puns, and i don't ever give the imagery its own weight. i guess it's mostly because in real life, i generally ignore everything bad, and never let negativity run its course. which is good coz obviously its better to be a generally happy bunny rather than wallowing in negativity. or even if i do, i don't like to translate it to a poem, which would basically preserve the emotions i fight so hard to keep at bay. and its more important to be happy than to write good poetry. haha. also the fact that my life is not really particularly poetic. or maybe i just haven't found the right language

that said, i think maybe the puns belie the point that the imaginary speaker is trying to find something to hide behind. if not, why not use the real meaning of the word; why use something with double meanings? but that said, i just felt so ashamed that i am unable to tap into the deeper vein of things; to write something that goes under the skin. but anyway, it's okay, i write poetry to live, i dont live to write poetry. i don't exactly have to create the highest forms of art, i just need to laugh at the absurdities of life. and really i just inherently love puns heh.

okay, maybe i will say this much. i realised in that moment the magnitude of the achievement, and i also realised this: that you win some, you lose some. however, i must also say, that many times i have lost everything, like both my whitecoat and _______, so, while the earth is not perfection personified i think it's pretty allright really.

and also 7/8 of the pics look really nice but in some of the the angles are really not flattering zomg. after starving myself for five days... okay actually only that lunch before the AIC talk, making the experience an EXTREMELY PAINFUL ONE to sit through, and i realise omgggg now i feel like doing it even more ahahah. well dudes this is why i GENERALLY dont wear haltertops, yeah.

anyway, now watching alllll the online lectures zzzz. okay but i think travel med is actually pretty cool. like you must consider such a wide range of things people could possibly do on their holidays. and i like the categorization

under water precautions there is
- drinking water
- water sports eg diving/ boating
- schistomiasis/ leptospirosis

lol just such a wide range. actually legionella too, at business conferences no?

Saturday, February 18, 2012

miracles

one year ago, after inbibing of pastries, tarts, and chocolate fountains, i wrote:

and then there was debate, like always. many dreams, so intricately tied to debate. i remember inviting people to watch, having such complete self-faith. i have never had such self-posession as then, never believed so whole-heartedly in my ability to deliver, never known so well about everything and nothing. the stage and microphones and the arrangement of the chairs reminded me of someplace deep inside myself i would never dare to awaken again.

OMG. it's literally like a dream come true. :) i woke up this morning & my first thought was WE WON; the second thought was crap... there were so many photos taken haha. but in any case, i'm just REALLY glad x 100 of everything. after all the stress, gastroparesis, and everything (only in the preceding few days really hahaha), to have such an outcome is just so fantabulous. but i also know this: Glory be to God. i want to v much, but probably shouldn't really post this on a more public place because, i think maybe its not good to publicize that i am v lousy & actually it's all thanks to the answered prayers. when i find the right words, i will, i will.

but here, i can say THANK YOU God for allowing me to speak so coherently (not something that happens so often, hahaha!!) and thank you for the speakers that went before me that essentially warmed everyone up allowing them to laugh at my jokes. thank you for my amazing teammates whom i had so much fun preparing with & who are just such affable, chilled out people in real life & understanding. thank you for all my friends, both the m4's & my cgmates and also the cms people - rach & sandesh. really showed me all over again God's grace in giving me friends in nus. it's all over again "what God has brought you to, he will bring you through it". literally.

and to xian ying, who made the most awesome props eveR, thank you a million!
i really felt so extremely proud to have done a gd job to represent my faculty & i am so happy that most imptly the people who watched were entertained. that was our ultimate goal all along

now i have to
1) sort out electives as my old project fell through
2) study for fam med eopt
3) do fam med writeup
4) study for end of year exams
5) pack up all the whitefrilly things floating around my room

i know that i never like to be complacent & assume God will do miracles for me. so its not that i dont believe, but i also know that the world really doesnt owe me/ anyone anything! but sometimes, things like this, act as a pillar of memory, so that when things look sticky & you want to believe but can't, you remember that He came through for me, so many times before and you continue to run, beyond the marathon wall, beyond the safety markers in the sea, and you know that you're not running alone, for He is with you.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

faith



faith is believing even when... you doubt
faith is.
i dont know abt the others, but i know there are lots of things i have to change, quickly.
well, i guess, better late than never right?
in any case, i'm just going to have tons of fun tmr & i know it :)
bring it on!

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

lovedust

hahaha only watched 3 out of all the occ med lectures, but heading to school now


not referring to getting thru the tuts HAHA but, well, yknow.
through LIFEEE. no just the next few days
ps: THANK YOU xy!! *sincerely hopes that everything works out*

on the point of occ med lectures. the idea of a gardener allergic to plants is just... well. oh dear.
i feel like eating super alot of bread, for no reason at all

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

thedeepening


against a smooth purple sky.

There is no light—
Only a honey-thick stain
That drips from leaf to leaf
And limb to limb
Spoiling the colours
Of the whole world.

- William Carlos Williams

What if everything
were revealed: where I was
last night. You, etc. The rain
is coming down like salad.

- This Deepening Takes Place Again
by Emily Kendal Frey

What we're drawn to is proof enough:
these pills, other acts of disappearance.
I've written a song about a girl who swallowed the blue planets:
So perfectly haplessly cruel the world we've made.
Let's meet back here in 5 minutes, you say, you always say.
I'll bring the hole in my heart, a white star burning.
More and more, the rock show.
Venus rising is a glass wrecking ball,
inside red harbors, red sails.

Red and Blue Planets
by Joni Wallace
But I remember the small thing rotating in us
Towards hunger, how it did not fail to guide,
And that we made no request of our souls or all souls
Or the one perfectly distant soul

by Katie Ford
~

vdaY was spent uhh on debate prep. yay. until 9pm?! anyway, enjoy the pretty poetry! not technically vday poetry haha. anyway today is literally a day of laughs & hilarity from beginning to end [even including the literally sleepinducing bus ride in which our dear cg mate continued sleeping all the way even after the bus dropped us all off?!]

oh last night i had a miracle happen to me literally. BUT the ensuing thing is NOT APPROVED/ tentative. ah sigh sigh sigh. okay anyway i shall go do rebuttal sheets now.




Sunday, February 12, 2012

the man who was thursday

on a random note i love eggs benedict. so so much. today i recalled our flat brunch to this small quaint cafe in the middle of grassmarket/ haymarket/ the middle of nowhere, on a lazy saturday morning, where we had eggs benedict and they started to play live jazz (in the middle of the day?!) and it was just perfect. asmuch as i only remember the good bits, of course we all know nothing can ever be perfection itself, but that day, that day was pretty much close to it.

that said,
~
There are things to be said. No doubt.

And in one way or another
they will be said. But to whom tell

the silences? With whom share them
now? For a moment the sky is
empty and then there was a bird.

—from "There Are Things to be Said" by Cid Corman

there are so many things i want to say, but i dont dare to, because of everything that ever occured, or didn't. maturity doesnt necessarily make you happier, more stable, cooler, more successful in your endeavors, or whatever.
so it goes.


Saturday, February 11, 2012

under a certain little star

between the coffee palpitations and the increased gastroparesis, between the hyperventilation, tachycardia and increased blood pressure, i find peace

running late at night is so enchanting. you feel like every streetlight is your closest friend; every car like a curious dog. the fleeting, ever-changing lines of silvery, aubergine, aquamarine, maroon saloons sail by on the gray seas; the moonlight glancing off their flanks. my favourite places in the universe are lighted up like a lighthouse, calling boats to dock, calling people to put down their anchors, trim their sails, and turn their rudders in the right direction.

while i definitely will be putting all my faith in the right places, i've been concurrently making concrete plans as well. not because i don't trust, but quite the opposite: because my trust is so absolute, i don't want to let Him down with my human follibles.

a) run every morning - seeing as i have spent the past few days lazing around the house like a narcoleptic slug....  when i run, i have all this YES I CAN DO THIS YAHOO GO GO GO!! you are invincible! you can run forever and beat all odds! you can turn everything to your advantage, you can negotiate for world peace and succeed!!  .... you get the idea. wahaha.
b) build a brick wall
i love the feeling of building the case, making it watertight, fireproof, idiotproof, tornado-safe
c) poetry - it awakens the left hemisphere of the mind

and thus

Under a Certain Little Star    
by Wislawa Szymborska
translated by Joanna Trzeciak 

My apologies to chance for calling it necessity.
My apologies to necessity in case I'm mistaken.
Don't be angry, happiness, that I take you for my own. 
My apologies to time for the quantity of world overlooked per second.
My apologies to an old love for treating a new one as the first. 
My apologies for the minuet record, to those calling out from the abyss.
My apologies to those in train stations for sleeping soundly at five in the morning.
Pardon me, hounded hope, for laughing sometimes.
Pardon me, deserts, for not rushing in with a spoonful of water.
And you, O hawk, the same bird for years in the same cage,
staring, motionless, always at the same spot,
absolve me even if you happen to be stuffed.
My apologies to the tree felled for four table legs.
My apologies to large questions for small answers.
Truth, do not pay me too much attention.
Solemnity, be magnanimous toward me.
Bear with me, O mystery of being, for pulling threads from your veil.
Soul, don't blame me that I've got you so seldom.
My apologies to everything that I can't be everywhere.
My apologies to all for not knowing how to be every man and woman.
I know that as long as I live nothing can excuse me,
since I am my own obstacle.

Do not hold it against me, O speech, that I borrow weighty words,
and then labor to make them light. 

Friday, February 10, 2012

corinthians

"my grace is sufficient for thee, for my strength is made perfect in weakness"
2 corinthians 12:9

this is the real thing, it really is

words seem insufficient. lots of poetry percolating around my head these days, but i seem unable to put pen to paper. i'm coming up with plenty of puns for you-know-what though, hehehe

honestly speaking, i think it can go either way.

this is what i pray for, as i lace up my running shoes at five am in the dark - a rainbow, assurance that He will not give us more than we can handle; a dove, sign of approaching land. peace, grace, and hope.

i am the least perfect person for any task, let alone one of such mammoth proportions. just because this happens to be my one talent in the whole world, does not correspond to me being the only one with this talent.

but if i, who am so amazingly unworthy and untalented, manage this, let it be known that it was not my doing, but God's. and quite honestly, if i really pull this off, all glory be to God. it certainly cannot have come from anything conceived by me.

on the other hand, if i don't... all i can say is God give me mercy and protect me from global hatred and global warming and please fry any eggs that might be thrown at me.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

after apple-picking

managed to find my poetic-voice back! although, i think that if there were a specific memory/ person/ feeling attached to it, it would be a far stronger poem. as it stands, it's just a glossed-up version of a meterological phenomenon, it's not a strand spooled out of a rainbow-coloured cottoncandy experience, filled with dancing horses; it's not part of any bittersweet memory that i never want to remember again.  anyway, i cant currently remember any bittersweet memory i swore up and down never to remember again, because..... DUH. haha!

dithering up & down about a Decision. hai, choices. i like it, there is no question about that, but LONGTERM COMMITMENTS bleh i'm not too good with things like that. but if i dont do it now, there may never be a good time to do it again :( guess ultimately it depends on the timing/ timetables/ understandingness etc. will talk to g on tues or somethingg i guess.

spent the whole of saturday feeling like a kid in a candy store. actually considering the amount of sparkles/ decorations/ sweetthings/ colorfulthings in the holland v baking shop, i was pretty much in one. it was nice exploring the back end of holland v too! i realise why people say its like an angmoh place, i think its the place in sg that feels most uk/europish with the cafes and restaurants under the apartments. and mango dresses were particularly pretty too! retail therapy heaven, even if i didnt buy anything -yet -, i'm totally going back soon!

i also realised that maybe instead of circling round and round with my philosophical questions, i can never find the answer by myself, i need to turn to God. sometimes its MEANT to be cloudy with a chance of meatballs. and in such cases it's better to just take the leap of faith and trust.

trusting is closing your eyes and falling backwards. it isnt abseiling 2cm and then asking them to pull you back (heh obs memories). it isn't checking and re-checking your equipment, packing and repacking your backpacks, it isnt wondering what the weather will be like two days from now and thinking that a wisp in the sky is a Sign, or deciding which mountain to climb based on the shapes of the clouds in the sky. it isn't based on anything concrete (cos erm then that's no longer blind faith...) nor is it based on prediction-hodge-podge. it's based on the idea that you just go about doing whatever you are meant to be doing, and whatever is the outcome, then it'll be fine. :) i mean, as long as you are doing His will.

the usual proverbs "commit your plans to the Lord, and your work will be established"

Saturday, February 4, 2012

training for the rain

this article is inspiring! :)

dear God,
please be with us as we prepare. no matter what, at least let it be an enjoyable experience, and let that atmosphere of goodcheer & hilarity carry on seamlessly into the realthing.  i honestly believe that we have the capacity to bring it to a new level. i just pray that You be with us and give us your blessing, such that we can carry it to fruition. i don't ask for a miracle per se, just that you protect us from personal stupidities [i dont know about the others, but i am queen of random stupidities at the worst times] & help us to do the best we can do. but most of all i feel that if we have a ball when preparing then everything will be smoothsailing. please please help us. i dont really understand or know why we are called to this at all, i am assuming it goes beyond personal materialism and such, and that it is Your will. i really hope it is, haha, but erm whatever it is, just be with us.

i know that when i was younger, i did not have the right attitude towards all of this. and i know that you will help those who help themselves. i will definitely try my best, no questions asked, and i know that in the past, things happened for a certain reason. and that even in that moment when i thought my trust had been misplaced, You were protecting me from things i could not have understood. now, i think i understand some of those reasons, although i am not sure that i can ever understand your ways fully. and so now i put those memories aside, and trust in you. because if i could have gone down that path so easily without You intervening & putting me back on the path that you want me to go on, then i think that i am more than equal to the challenge that awaits me :) if that makes any sense.

- me

cookiedough

ive been trying not to depend on God for anything reccently. not in the i-dont-believe way, but in the i dont want to think that the universe owes me anything way. which is good, because it really doesn't. but i do think that specifics aside, he WILL give us peace/ happiness/ grace. i really do think that. its just that sometimes the specifics matter too.

but faced with uncertainties (because i mean, seriously, no matter how chilled out or whatever one is, there is always the POSSIBILITY) & worry, there is honestly... nowhere else to turn. there is no OPTION of just having myself to blame. i dont really want to have any reason for blame haha.

this brings us to the question of WHY. greed? curiosity? spontaneonity? (if there is anything that can be said about this, it was not a spontaneous decision). but it goes without saying too that it is something i Want. and it is something that i feel is not going against my gut feeling of what is Right. maybe the route to conclusion is a litle convuluted, but... it is right, yes it is.

okay, fine, i'm scared. who wouldnt be. maybe it's time to put my trust in God again. he DID get me into this situation. i'm sure he'll bring me through it. sure, it's not going to be the easiest cakewalk ever (cake! hee) but i'm going to fight til the end and go down fighting, do the best i can. victory doesnt have to be conventional; you just have to make your own definition of victory and aim for that. the sort of thing where, no matter what happens, you can LIVE WITH YOURSELF. actually, that's the hardest kind of all.

so this is me, trusting completely that's its gonna be ok. trusting that this which ive conveniently not thought about for all this while, this unlikely thing, is going to turn into a miracle. sometimes it's not like the miracles happen with lots of warning & goodfeelings about it (actually, rarely). sometimes the miracles come out of nowhere, unexpectedly, and that makes it all the sweeter. and no i'm not expecting one, i'm just saying that i trust that it's going to be okay. i dont know what okay is, but i hope that it'll be okay okay, not just like ehhhh allright, not uncommittal dithering but an assured thing

i love challenges, right? this may not quite be like running a 21k without training cos i know i can do it. it's more like the sea swim. God, this is linked irrevocably to that time, right? when the siren call was so loud i could barely resist it. the things i learnt from that, can be extrapolated to this time. lessons learnt are never wasted. i'm not equipped for the sea swim. i've never swum with sharks, dolphins, not even goldfish. i'm not ready to have people kick water in my mouth, i'm not ready for the jellyfish. i'm not ready to plunge into the ocean on a cold windy morning. but You got up with me at five am, You drive me to the seaside, You signed me up for this. and so maybe i can't walk on water, but You taught me how to swim

~

this post is not about medicine per se, but when searching for prayers online (LOL) i chanced upon this physician's prayer, which i quite like :) for what i am REALLy praying for, im not sure if there is a specific prayer. maybe that sort of thing, you should pray silently in your own heart, in your own words. but that is just, one thing along the road of life. to be a good doctor, well, that's my lifegoal, the ultimate one. and i must not forget that, but i also must conquer this challenge with everything i have.

Almighty God, I rejoice that You have gifted me and granted talent to me in the area of healing. I look daily to Jesus Christ, our Great Physician, as to what my life must reflect.
 
 I have an example of Jesus' very words saying: Luk 4:23 "Doubtless you will say unto me this parable, physician, heal thyself." For this reason I look to You and You only for making me not only a healer, but one that walks in integrity according to Your divine will.
Saint Luke was recorded in the Bible as being the beloved physician. He also educated himself and followed the path of Jesus. May I always do likewise.
Lord, people look up to me; may I set a Godly example.
Lord, people depend on me; may I not disappoint them.
Lord, people come seeking healing; may I not fail them.
Father God, my life is in Your hands and the many that come to me have placed their lives in my care based upon my knowledge and skilled abilities.
May I affect their life for good.
May I bring to them Your healing power.
May I be free in my profession to proclaim Your glorious name.
May I never fail or forsake You or others because I have had personal reasons to not excel or to let my guard down.
May I continue my education and knowledge to stay advanced in the latest medical marvels available.
May I diagnose with wisdom.
May I treat all with dignity and respect.
May I never fail to proclaim that my life is dedicated to You.
May I never be hasty or rude.
May I always keep in mind that You who has called me to this great undertaking, will always prevail that Your will be done.
May I accept the outcome of all my patients with the humility of knowing You are in control.
Lord God, bless not just me, but all that seek treatment through me. I ask in the name of Jesus Christ alone. Amen

Friday, February 3, 2012

on why i dont believe in rainbows

there is a blog i read, which is v inspiring and all. but honestly, i stopped believing in teh rainbows a long, long time ago

its just that, at every turn i always got too distracted by more pressing things, and it doesnt always do to sit & stare at the clouds & ponder Life, too much

since the kind rejection from my most reccent poetry submission, btw i really mean kind coz they dont always reply if they dont use your stuff, and the guy was really constructive with his comments, he's totally right that i need to rein in the puns HAHA ok he said it in a far more poetic way for sure. i've been trying to do just that, make the images and the words worth their weight. the problem is that while my past works have some chance of that, they're... solidified, like old friends. i cant unravel my old poems like sweaters, it doesnt work like that. i know, i know, personal and public poetry. i'm sure my poems can be read in the public realm too and evoke emotion in people who dont really want to know about my Life. its just that.... my Life is too worked into the poems for me to undo them and make them mean any more than they already do

okay, so moving on, i decide to write new stuff. well surprise, surprise, for me, the poem comes from the puns. any other way and i end up with cheeezy drivel i wouldnt even put to paper.

then i think, maybe there is just all this... GUNK. FBC and LFTs and whatnots that stand between me, and worthy verse. maybe if i write and write and write out all the flotsam, the real stuff will come out. i like that idea. that there is a layer of... something, that if you just got rid of, everything would magically work out

because for me, poetry is just that. these days, that is. it used to be something i wrote when i was really unhappy e.g angsting over math tests? write poems about the moon. i still love writing about the moon, btw. and space. yes, clearly i am john keats. LOL. no actually that would be autumn & spring. i dont like to write about the seasons, becos i feel that localizes the poems to somewhere outside of sg, where really i may not have intended it to. and also coz i tried before and i think that automatically clichefies it... for some reason. the moment you write 'winter' or 'autumn' it gives it a whole sheen and then i cant concentrate on the Point anymore. whatever the point is

isnt it so thoroughly pretentious to write about writing so candidly when i havent produced anything of worth within memory?! probably, but i dont care.

somewhere along the line, when i started to suppress my emotions because i began to feel it would hurt too much... i guess that's when i started losing my poetry. the one i wrote about my shoes? i guess that's an allowable amount of sadness to have. and it's not unforgivable, but yet something i needed to work through. losing things i was never meant to have, i dont know, that's something entirely different. and its not like my shoes are able to recognise themselves in my poems. heh.

that said, i used to have a really bad habit of showing people poems about themselves. lol. it's evil i know. now i've said that, people will think poems i show them are about them ;p

im not sure if this is about poems, or rainbows. i dont really wanna talk about the rainbows. just that, everytime i read all that kinda stuff, i just feel stuff like 'but what abt the people who dont get the rainbows' i dont know does that make sense. it does but i guess it isnt socially acceptable, per se. i think hope is just a v dangerous thing to peddle. i just about accept the one about inherent goodness in life cos well thats something really relative isnt it. but this specific type of hope... i dont know. ive grown up i guess.

maybe i used up all my store of hope on my last miracle. it sounds silly, if you keep getting miracles, cant you hope all the more? well what are the CHANCES man, miracles are by definition not everyday occurances. how many miracles can one person get. and if there were to be any miracles i should hope i win the _________, yeah, THAT'LL be a miracle

just a thought. in actuality, i havent thought about it since forever. and today was spent wishing my random dyspepsia away. SO RANDOM. but i dont have early satiety (FAR FROM IT) so not gastric outlet obstruction. whewww.

anyway, pall med is over!! 2.5ish more weeks of randomly going to a diff place every morning. i find this v stressful. i doubt the amazing race is for me. they shld give us clues at the end of each day, at least that might be more exciting. suspensE.

and also i am getting rather tired of discussing residencies cos i feel like we are all talking in the abstract which really frustrates me. i know there are concrete steps i can take to make things a reality but some steps are further than others and guh i just dont ever like counting my chickens beforehandd.

this is just a random post. in truth, it was quite fun today travelling around with the home care team, it was like those rural docs that travel around by car and their bags seeing pts! and srsly we really travelled like for hrsss from bishan to near ktph and back.

the whole experience was v positive really, the pall med drs are in general VERY nice & humanistic & charismatic hahahaa i actually told that to the reg during the ttsh pall med debrief becos...she really was THAT nice that i felt like i was talking to a friend
me: i was actually v surprised that although the drs see such depressing things everyday, they're such... cheerful & charismatic people!
reg: i will tell them that
and HAHA she really did! zzzzz

but yes i discussed this with some of my cg mates and we concluded that to go into this field, pple are usually extremely chock-full of humanity to begin with, so that makes perfect sense.

okay so on that note i shall go and sleep. it has been a v fun day reading abt cholecystectomies, but notsofun having dyspepsia.