About Me

Monday, April 30, 2012

smittenkitchen

annoyance at the person playing the music ++. seriously!

but as always smitten kitchen is love. am now dreaming of making carrot cake pancakes, rasberry coconut macaroons, mushroom quiche....

1/5 questions i have to do before i allow myself to get out of this place, cos there is no guarantee that once i get home i will do anything but crash and sleep. but nooo motivation....

time has fallen asleep in the afternoon sunshine

reading play reviews never fail to cheer me up
this is positively beckettian, that's what it is
why can't time just stretch itself out like a lazy cat.
someone somewhere in the library is listening to opera music spilling out of the earphones
i can't
do this anymore
that's what i always say, right
that doesnt mean that
it isnt less true this
time, or that

i am
going to eat
a banana

just printed 87 pages worth of notes

and have no bus fare home.

wow. when walking here from the mrt it was pretty disorientating cos like of all the construction work. walking hallways that i know but theyre all papered up. i mean i do know where im going, but at the same time i also felt like i was walking in a maze

i need to rah-rah a bit so here goes:
I CAN DO THIS! yeah!

... no, isnt very convincing.

the truth is that actually i can't. ive spent 5 days on ortho but i still a) havent finished b) cant really remember what i DID study. i can take long case hx for OA knee la maybe thats it. just praying i dont get ACL tear as short case or long (wont get long case ACL tear right?!), becos ive never managed to feel an ACL tear properly, EVERR

anyway, feels like i dunno everything, cant finish studying, and wanna take a chillpill right now. oh yeahs. its awesome. however i now have like 100pages of past yr qns to do. *stabs inanimate object* and i didnt bring my headphones. AWESOME.

ok on the bright side today i did long and short case for oa knee, cervical myelopathy, did short case for mechanical heart valve (mitral). the pt and my friend both insisted they could hear the audible click a mile off but i couldnt so was contorting myself all over trying to hear it, still couldnt. did hernia exam - first time ive seen a direct hernia, and it reduced nicely directly backwards instead of upwards and laterally (altho my friend did say, when we were listing the things we accomplished "and then there was the hernia, which alot of things you forgot" HAHA). okay, it's not bad.

i feel calmly doomed.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

cookie monster

wahaha just saw the cutest pic ever. a cookie monster figurine in the middle of super alot of cookies. heheh

stats: 4 days of peds, 4 days of ortho

WHY IS ORTHO TAKING SO LONG. so now i have 2 days for gen med, 2 days for surg, 1 day to finish up everything i couldnt finish for peds, 1 day for fam med. just brilliant. aurghh.

i definitely should have started earlier/ ponned some of surg to mug.

anyway, apparently recreational running is not a risk factor for OA knee. Hmmm my question is, how many km running per week/ at what speed is it considered recreational running?! haha.

also, i am definitely experiencing a day-night sleep-wake reversal since a) i slept at 330am and b) i feel equally smashed at 330pm (now) and 330am. this is terrible. hepatic encephalopathy? im definitely getting more grouchy too oh noes change in personality! then again, i always get grouchy while mugging, so it isnt very different

there are TWO public holidays coming up but i cant even enjoy them!! i'll be just sitting here reading seniors notes. so exciting. fourth year fourth year i want to do o&g/ anaesthesia/ fun electives!!! quickly come please.

but last night at 230am i was reading gifted hands again. maybe there are reasons for staying up late. maybe i had to read that chapter. even though i've read those words so many times, they never fail to astound and inspire me. it's not just becos he got a miracle (many in fact), as i used to inmaturely assert. it's just that i never know how to properly articulate the more unsuperficial feelings without sounding cheesy. its the whole impact of the sincerely, humbly-written words, which makes the wonder of the miracles hit you anew each time you read it. every time i read that book, i cant help but feel the calling tugging so strongly at me. it's just this whole unspecific, magnetic pull, coming from the well thumbed pages, the well remembered stories. you would think the more i read it, the more blase it sounds, but funnily enough, as i identify more and more with the situations, it means that much more to me each time.

i still havent done it justice. but anyway, read it, its awesome

Saturday, April 28, 2012

:)

yeah!
plans
1. saturday combaaat!
2. hip & knee
3. internal med past yr qns
4. dream of holidaying in spain [a faar off dream]

Friday, April 27, 2012

confusion is nothing new

was trundling along pretty well (inasmuch as i only started at 130pm cos... i only woke up at 130pm...) until i hit the bit about schober's test in AS in the seniors notes, blahblah lumbar spine/ thoracic spine involvemnt.. ???! no idea what it means. ermmmmm.

anyway, it triggered off a hilarious memory of when we were all in the MO room in the ortho ward [which we practically LIVED in between tutorials], and we were practicing schober's test [which requires a measuring tape] and one of the MOs passed by and was like "what are you guys doing?! tailoring?!" and that reminds me of alll the hilarious stuff like, let's see, the numerous times we clerked the wrong patients only to get confused cos the symptoms were totally different from the mental template we had in our heads e.g WRONG SYSTEM EVEN, like the copd dude i thought i was clerking rheum/sle for in ttsh. brings blind clerking to a whole new level. and the time y and i got so distracted by a florid case of lymphadenopathy and hepatosplenomegaly so were mega late for tutorial so she was like *heavy breathing* the patient.... presents.... with.... shortnesss... of breath *panting* HAHA

anyway. i really dont like studying. can i be fourth year right now?!
alternatively, i could be a bread baker. although youd have to wake up really early for that, like 3am, so it doesnt really beat surgery.

also i really want to go to john hopkins and meet ben carson.
omg. i should just hunker down and study now right. blehhh

in other news, dont ever try to mug ortho in 2 days. it will be too painful.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

i feel zonked.

this is only the fourth day of full time mugging and i already feel completely tanked. on the bright side, i know plenty of peds now. but i didnt get round to dm/ asthma which HELLO WELL MAY COME OUT. why did i spend so much time studying peds haem/onco?! well becos there's plenty to study/ understand & it's fascinating, and aaaargh. anyway, in my defense, i did writeups on dm/ asthma before so i'm sure i can pull something out of my hat. except the inhalers and stuff. MUST STUDY THAT.

anyway this is to say that i have completely run out of steam, and today i commenced studying ortho but you know the first time you start studying something you have to organise all the notes, plus its doubly confusing as i cant quite remember what holes i left behind when ortho ended?! i'm sure there were plenty, because i distinctly remember desperately praying that only stuff i knew would come out, the key to the desperation being that there is not much stuff i know.

and urgh i just feel pissy. i think its erm... anyway, moving on. haha. i think its okay to take more time on peds and ortho cos my surg is quite okay and i've been revising medicine the last 2 weeks of surg anyway. the only things i didnt really do is actually more ortho stuff anyway haha like gout, RA hands, etc.

tell me about it

11 more days!

"of all the places in this big city, why did you have to fall onto my rooftop?"
- rooftop prince

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

tea coffee & books

from teacoffeebooks.tumblr.com

today i need to study
1. cerebral palsy
2. haemophilia
3. ITP
4. dm
5. uti
6. asthma

AAAARGH.

in other news, that's a nice picture of a cup of coffee. and i really want to do the 800km trek in spain that the dude in the newspapers was writing about. WANT.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

giraffes

ok, let's stop talking about how it's impossible to finish studying for 5 big postings in 2 weeks time.

today i went back to clerk at kk since i havent done a DA for like months, excepting the random cooing over every small kid i see outside/ at church/ at orchard road LOL

notably, we clerked
1. haemophilia
2. VACTERL syndrome
3. myotonica dystonica
4. dextrocardia
5. complex partial epilepsy
6. down's syndrome
7. intusussception
8. ASD

and we each did > 2 DAs! :) productive day

but, what really takes the cake is the small boy who when yj was clerking his dad, asked me "can i ask you questions too?" and so i made the usual small talk with him and he also asked me back the same questions WAHAHA so cute! like "what school do you go to?" "how old are you?" and then he started quizzing me about giraffes and assorted animals. to which i all dunno the answers. hahaha. seriously it was adorableness personified. me to yj "i must be a paediatrician. i must be a paediatrician"

Monday, April 23, 2012

i am baker

suuuch pretty pictures!!

credits: i am baker

in other news, the exam-complaining continues
thalassemia iron chelation drugs
desferal ie desferrioxamine/ deferoxamine

ferriprox/ L1 ie deferiprone
exjade ie deferasirox

... how to remember?!

so i run

i resolved not to sleep until i resolve this approach to anaemia thing... so i may NEVAH sleep. omg. no dont get me wrong, i really do find this endlessly intriguing, and i love eponymous conditions of which there are plenty under the approach to anaemia umbrella eg diamond-blackfan syndrome, shwachmann's syndrome etc. i just DONT UNDERSTAND and my pros are in TWO WEEKS TIME. so not a good time to be sorting this out.

and i have an insatiable urge to bake banana bread. just chanced upon a recipe for "banana bread crepe cake with butterscotch" on smittenkitchen.com. wow.

actually the whole of this morning i was sooo chill & daydreaming about Life and etc.

after pros i am going to cook my way through a book. awesome. can't wait. oh and also run everydaY.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

that's not it

by 10cm. its quite funny cos in the youtube comments, someone said "why is he singing that he cried cos the water heater was broken" LOL i guess it was not meant to be taken literally

i thought the reply was poetic though! "maybe becos he lost a warm thing in his life"

anyway, having serious cabin fever closeting myself up mugging. and we keep getting well intentioned helpful emails from snrs/ batchmates with lots of things to mug/ streamline our mugging but it just keeps making me MORE & MORE stressed. practically having palpitations thinking of it all already. anyone who knows me knows that me & exams & mugging = urgh. i am just not exam smart, let alone smart, wahaha. i dont know man. but! i think if i actually just go through everything calmly and with the depth i like (cos it not, it just doesnt stick!!), i think i may be able to make it. who cares about deans list. just give it all you've got and it'll be okay. i hope so. seeing as the electives thingy is finally settled, i hope!! researching on places to go for m4 electives already hahah. so excitinggg. but $$ and i certainly am setting my sights high. ok WHATEVER ill just apply and if they dont wanna accept me ok lor.

two weeks more. HOW TO PULL THIS OFF. omg.

i know i prayed for divine intervention many many times already this year. for my debates, for every single end of posting test. i think i should have saved it for now. because now - i REALLY, really need it

i think ill go for a run now.

the day we

by urban zakapa! such a cool name. new discovery, love this. i particularly like the chilled out attitude & the sense that it's the fading of the memory that makes the singer happy. or maybe that's just my wrong interpretation and actually the singer is heartbrokeN over it haha oops. well i dont think happy in a masochistic way but sort of like "yay the hurt is finally going away & i can live my life" not that i would know what feelings feel like anymore haha since surg/ paeds, i've been so bethrothed to medicine that i dont ever think of relationships between human beings anymore. seems like sucha foreign concept. heh



so yesterday was the real last day at sgh, but i think i need to go back to practice more physical examinations so i'll be back soon. before we get banned from the wards. sounds so serious as if its mbbs or something haha.

spent some time hanging out in the students lounge with h&c because we needed to return our access cards, and found myself taking train home with them. it was actually pretty reminiscent of how we first started off in sgh exactly one year ago! wow since then somehow our clinical knowledge has increased like x100 and because you get more used to the wards, it becomes so much fun as you know your way around better! just a nice bookending there :) starting off & ending in the same place, but knowing that everything is so much more different & better.

saw
1. myasthenia gravis. seriously its like, the fatiguability is so ++ we can hardly shine the torch to look at the patient's pupils, and h was like "no la i dont think its ptosis" hahaha just goes to show that blind clerking is a much better test of knowledge than knowing what it is and going in with a preconceived idea. i should blindclerk more!

2. IE secondary to a congenital heart condition. we actually guessed MR at first but then after that the uncle was like "do you know what i have? not testing you la" haha then he told us. then i was trying to ask more about the childhood history of the heart condition so i said "oh uncle when you were young, could you run 2.4 etc?" hanyu *immediately* "aiyah of COURSE la, congenital heart disease means he's had it since young DUH". wahaha i know that too, i was just trying to ask more history since we missed the diagnosis the first time round. LOL

3. a lot of patients with UMN lesions & babinski's +ve
4. AVN hip 2' OA it was actually pretty classical except we didnt know what to ask on the spot (seeing as we dont exactly clerk avn hip patients on a daily basis). but it was quite cool ive never clerked one before

Thursday, April 19, 2012

SURGERY IS OVERR!

so so happy! omg.

okay i guess it was a really interesting experience, & i'm glad i got to scrub up so many times! its like if you keep scrubbing up under pressure you get more efficient at it. and did so many calls. it took awhile before i realised other people werent doing as many calls as i was!? prob becos many people had colorectal AND uro but i didnt have colorectal so. oh well i think i learnt alot abt the management of patients from it, and it's just so fun going to a&e to see patients and running everywhere with the reg at night! and eating dinner with the team at night in the mo room. fun times.

but i am just SOO relieved i've managed to submit all my stuff! did my direct observed hx taking today with an mo in clinic who was kind enough to do it. background: clinic is CRAZY busy. its a very difficult task of finding someone patient enough to wait 15 mins for you to do the thing. and once u walk into the clinic u can hardly just walk out. and he gave me pretty good marks too! and it was the last thing i had outstanding so it's just this huuuge sense of relief washing over me. i was so happy and relieved i proffered chocolate to him HAHAHA. it was erm cherry flavored coz i was planning to give to yoch but i couldnt find her. hanyu actually smsed me to ask "haha! did he mark u very high? the choco was so funny!". LOLL

today is not really a day where i ran round doing mad clerking but i saw
1. quadrantanopia
2. mitral regurg 2' infective endocarditis
3. haemorrhagic thyroid cyst
4. superior vena cava obstruction with +ve pemberton's sign

erm i literally saw the patient with tr but didnt lay a finger on her cos i think overclerked. does tt count? haha.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

music & lyrics

residency list came out yesterdaY! *stress*

but my smartphone bible verse app came up with this "And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ". phillipians 1:6

okay, on closer reading  clearly the reward is not in this world. hahah. but as long as it'll be okay....

and also the mustard seed quote "for truly, i say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, move from here to there, and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you" - matthew 17:20

things seen today
1. pseudobulbar palsy
2. cerebellar ataxia [actually the underlying syndrome is rare so for the sake of privacy..]
3. fine creps 2' ILD 2' RA [cx by cor pulmonale, which i completely missed?!]
4. splenomegaly 2' myeloproliferative disorder
5. dengue petechial rash
6. dvt
7. copd with wheezing/ rhonchi
8. pleural effusion


from my newest kdrama crack syndrome! why i want to spend all day in the hosp and come home & watch this is beyond me. okay probably becos it's about neurosurgery, and the lead guy is really awesome melt cute. also i think it's amusing how they spend lots of time walking around the hospital poking their heads into rooms looking for each other for HELLO WELCOME TO MY LIFE lol.

me: in a perfect world, i would be a surgeon
x: in a perfect world, there would be no need for surgeons!

good point. also when i was younger thanks to grays anatomy i thought i would wanna marry a surgeon cos they all seemed so cool and awesome not to mention handsome eg patrick dempsey. as in i know obv its a tv show but still... after the past 8 weeks, im pretty sure that's the last thing on earth i wanna do. wahaha.

coconut creme brulee

clearly happythings still exist in the world.

omg i feel really smashed sitting here waiting for my DOT which may never happen coz my reg has to teach m2s later ARRGH also i doubt it will be very good... after my hard-won varicose veins mini-CEX which i nearly got killed over. first the con wanted to kill me for making her take time out of clinic to do and once i started the intent for slaughter was due to my inept-ness. well since no one ever lets me do the tests saying no-one ever does them nowaways, of coursee i can hardly be technically proficient at them grah. and she's a nice con too. makes it even worse. lol

anyway the reason for being smashed is a too-enthusiastic combat class yest. omg. it was literally insane. the guy is wayyy too hyper. ok i hope he never sees this but a very tall & handsome combat teacher is EXCELLENT incentive to go work out wahaha i was actually intending to go back & sleep but thanks to him i now have space for the many bengawan solo things i am sure i shall ingest over the next week or so

then had eight hrs of sleep last night. what joy! now mugging paeds cardio. HEARTS

last hoop today, pleaseeee let my reg do my dot.....

Monday, April 16, 2012

volume UP

hi world. i feel very sian...

eight weeks of surg is coming to a close and i feel like putting my head in an ostrich hole and sleeping. my respect & admiration to those who choose to do this for a lifetime, out of, presumably, great love for it

realised with utmost horror that i have three more hoops to jump through instead of just two. oh whatever.

anyway, thanks to x, who was literally dragging me through clerking today

me: hey ok i need to go buy food now
x: ...ok now we go to ward 57 to clerk a patient
*10 mins later*
me: ok thanks that was an awesome case! ok i am going to like sit down for awhile before vascular x ray conference
x:  aiya seriously dont go la... ok so now, to ward 64....
*15 mins later*
me: okay now i shall go and sleep a bit before vascular x ray conference

*loop*

LOL no seriously, it's great.

i can't say the opposite, that i introduce my friends to good cases. just today, flipping thru casenotes, i sent her to clerk a patient that was confused.
x: uncle, why are you in hospital?
patient: ...!?
x: *repeats qn louder*
patient: ...?

hey there were good signs ok, just that the sign is independent of any underlying pathology? which is really strange. anyway then i sent sy there later having forgotten exactly what transpired cos i just scanned my book and told him where to go. AWESOME. (sorry man!)

so then me and h went to clerk a patient from her team. she told me the bed number and dissappeared? so i started asking thyroid history. the patient denied everything saying she vomited and had stomach pain. *much confusion* h appears and whispers: you got the wrong patient!!

so after MUCH EMBARRASSED apologizing, i went to the right bed and started asking qns.
patient: oh i have no thyroid problem. but i vomited and have stomach pain
me: .......... *thanks her and ZHAOS*
h: oh actually she is here for some stomach thing. the thyroid thing is yrs ago.

wahaha

(ps: not violating any privacy here since many patients in the gs ward have vomiting& stomach pain...)

let me finish with the best:
last week, sitting in the freezing uro OT 2 watching my tutor do TURPs for prostate enlargement, the m4 suddenly turns to me and says
cherlyn: hey do you want to go to OT4?
me: huh what's in OT4?
cherlyn: no LA OT4

[background, our school does this musical thingy bianually and since we're a med sch its called, surprise surprise, OT4, this being the 4th edition. LOL what a nice choice of location to ask that question in]
think i was pretty gd at celebrating easter joy in the past few yrs of this blog. yay, good to know i havent been a delinquent catholic all this while

just wanted to tell my past self: whatever you are moaning about, get over it man, it means ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, i can tell u that with 10/10 perfect hindsight wahaha. to the point where i wanna pour bleach over my lyrical philosophizing [not]

but then maybe snowball effect etcccc. or butterflies

anyway. just had to say that. becos when i read over april entries it really makes it seem like april is the cruelest month (heh eliot). and that aiyahhh in the end it means nth i dont even feel vaguely sad abt it so LOL. all the mountains, balloons, etc blehhh time coulda been better spent. but NEVERMIND. im sure it makes me like, a better person. or something. lol.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

umbrellas

ive always loved umbrellas since em forster's howard's end

i cant remember exactly what transpired, but i'll bet it was gorgeously and lyrically described and was an Integral Moment to the plot :)

the other day, i found myself at a zebra crossing, desperately in need of an umbrella. the whole way walking there was pretty much blind faith becos i knew it was raining and i knew i should just hunker down wherever i was, with some expensive coffee, and wait out the rain, until goodness knows when. [did i mention, it was on a day where efficiency was not really my friend].

but for some reason, i just kept walking. i sort of thought maybe God would rescue me [i think he sent the dissenters who kept calling/smsing me to tell me to just wait the rain out, like how he sent the lifeboats/ helicoptors to the person in the proverbial flood, and the person just kept waiting for the real rescue by Him]. i thought maybe someone would offer me an umbrella or the rain would stop or something.

i got there, and there was a trafficcontroller, who did have one, but the moment i approached he just happened to turn around and talk to random passerbys. i realised that i was wearing my uniqlo hoodie that had carried me through rain & snow in edin, so i just took my chances and ran across. it was fine. nothing really got too wet, even my priscilla's medicine which was not covered by anything.

and then the over-metaphorization started. haha. i think it's pretty cool though. maybe He equips you with the things you need to get through situations, beforehand, at random times. so when it comes to crunch time, surprised, you find that you can do it. maybe it isnt always a big save cos i mean, those are saved for the really impt things.

but whatever it is, again, saved from the rain. :):)

okay just got an sms that the vascular reg pre-rounds at 630am. aurghhhhh.

on the bright side, today got distracted by a lovely book called intern blues. it's about some peds interns too! what are the chances, heheh. and tmr planning to give the HOs chocolates. note, not sucking up cos im giving my old HOs. like just pple who have genuinely been v kind and helpfuland whom i want to cheer up with chocolates. 

today when i was holding the offering, a thought that came into my mind was that, more than before surg or catheterizing or btw patients, i hoped with all my heart my hands were clean. that even 7x77 handwashing steps are not sufficient. [give us clean hands] takes on a new meaning... i dont know how clean my hands are. i dont know if having the intention to make them as clean as possible counts, for anything. i just hoped...

and i knew that i was closer to the heart of things than ever before, so i said (many) little prayers, hoping that despite every fear, every doubt, maybe in that special moment where for goodness knows why i am chosen to dothis, maybe that prayer will carry just a little more weight, will be looked on just that little more kindly. who ever knows. i'll just carry on washing my hands & my soul. cos i know the real final exam is reaaally far away, and even tougher than this one we are all so afraid of. but i also know that, slacking off on this, means im being a bad doctor in the future, and not doing my job as a student for now. and so even tho its not enough to just get the grades, its not acceptable to completely forget about it either. or to even just do one iota less than the capabilities He has given me until now allow me to. i must put the talents to good use and not just bury them under the ground.

and so - i'm looking for umbrellas - the hidden ones. i know i will find them someday, somewhere, somehow, always when i need them most.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

even if it's not necessary

ok today was NOT an efficient day, lol.... but erm in the middle of the confusion, did manage to study subacute degeneration of the cord and brown sequard, wow HOW likely to come out for pros -_- not.

okay but whatever its only 5pm the day is young etc...

i only miss you when i'm breathing
i only need you when my heart is beating
jason derulo- breathing

the open door

*stress*

anyway
1. myasthenia gravis
2. prosthetic heart valves [mitral/ aortic]
3. klinefelter's
4. hypothyroidism
5. aortic regurgitation
6. mitral regurgitation
7. esm over aortic region = aortic stenosis i guess
9. multiple lipomas
10. scm mass

livin' on a prayer.
leaving early today, the playground glinted in the sunlight.

I know, that if He calls me to it, he will bring me through it. though it seems like the door is too narrow to enter through, it is not. it is not. and right now... honestly it seems impossible. there are ways but...
waiting for emails, again. sigh.

such clear-skied happiness seems just out of reach, slightly more than an arm's length away. when i think about surg, i just get this murky feeling. which isnt too surprising obviously, having been exposed to it for the past seven weeks.
but for this... it feels like i've wanted this forever. it feels like everything happened for this purpose. it just feels like it fits so perfectly.

i believe in miracles.
i believe that despite being unworthy, if there is an easter sunday, anything is possible.
i believe that even though we keep falling asleep, when we are supposed to be up with lighted lamps, i will keep trying again & again until i can stay awake.
and somehow, i believe that this is intrinsically linked
for you need to follow Him in order to know his 'good and perfect will'

do you know, to this day, i don't understand fully why things had to happen the way they did
but maybe, i needed to meet ___ to teach me that if God wants it, it will happen. and her absolute belief in that which indeed came to fruition, is a clarion call of inspiration.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

uro

1. ballotable kidney
2. assisted in an inguinal hernia op cos the mo felt nauseous [apparently 2' gastric flu]
3. watched robot-guided biopsy of the prostate
4. 2 TURPs!
5. watched an op for chyluria
6. video something something URS with laser lithotripsy [ i think]
7. video urodynamic study for incontinence
8. presented at ward rounds! i say this is counted even tho i was hastily rattling off the details in the space of time between stepping out the door of the ward and waiting for the lift!
9. watched maaany cystoscopies

Sunday, April 8, 2012

EASTER!


day of sun & easter eggs & bunnies & joy :)

well ok, i just feel sleepy, but that's my undiagnosed subclinical narcolepsy for ya. went for easter vigil for the first time in forevah. congrats e on getting baptized! it was actually quite nice, going w the cms peeps. clare was like falling asleep during the long prayers wahaha i genuinely was worried she might fall down and get a traumatic HI but luckily never. and it was quite funny cos they had this videolink thingy and e was like in the front so everyone could basically see everything he was doing hahaha.

trawling through my computer to delete files to make way for all the notes i keep downloading, i keep finding things like poems people have sent me which are beautiful but i have no idea who wrote them?!

rainbow trouts amongst other things. and something about pyrotechnics. really lovely. the kind of thing where you are dying to know who wrote but its impossible to trace back so many yrs. well i mean there are only so many people who send me poetry, it can hardly be robert frost msn-ing me, sounds like adam actually haha. he prob isnt reading this but anyway to whoever wrote it, it's good.

and reading msn convos where i realise how much i subsumed myself into the turns of speech of my friends to the point that even tho the words are in different colors sometimes i cant figure out who is saying what. although maybe its just that birds of a feather... yeah. haha. good times. although also thank goodness i dont spend my time philosophizing on msn anymore, not that i engage in any other cooler activities...

but actually yea i think watching appendectomies is pretty cool. hehh.

so anyway HAPPY EASTER to anyone who celebrates it! just glad that this yr i have become more mature spiritually [hopefully] & very aware of the differences in my thinking between now & the holy weeks i can remember, anyway. not becos i expect to win the lottery tmr or anything, it really isnt a tradingcard game, but maybe it just makes me feel more content. i think when i was younger, like in sec sch, i had a lot of burning hopes & dreams and i really used to get v crushed when they didnt get realised, and blame it on, i dunno, everything. but now, maybe becos er my dreams of medicine have obviously already been realised hahaha, i just feel a whole lot more content & able to block out negativities. unless of cos people are REALLY DIRECTLY nasty & its a long day and yea i mean, med/ surg can break people, occasionally. but i no longer have the urge to find people urgently on msn to pour out my grieviances or anything hahah. i dont know. there just seems to be a whole lot more peace & contentment floating around, even tho life is STILL not perfect. so, for that peace, i think that's the thing i am most grateful for.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

buskerbusker


cherry blossom ending

we met again at this alleyway entrance

all the little misunderstandings have now dissappeared
the flickering air of the night
and all the songs of the crickets and frogs


there is a beautiful story under this light
i want to walk along this sea with you
there is an unknown scent hanging off this wind
i want to tell it to you so i call you

from at the entrance to the alley & yeosu night sea. korean indie music! haha yeosu night sea in korean is yeosu bam bada. so cute. i think the half angmoh? dude makes them even more indie/ geeknerd/ quirky cute for some reason. especially the scenes where they are mock geekily running/ cycling after cherry blossom petals.

~

tonight
could you not stay awake one hour for me

yesterday i could not even make it on time. so phail, so phail. *ashamed* i will try harder.

if God was like any other human being, he would have written me off by now. i can ennumerate people who have cut me off after me being late too many times. but just because He forgives, doesnt mean you should slip up. all the more, it means you should try extra hard not to.

oh well, its not like im ever going to attain sainthood. but maybe its good to at least understand how far off you are; how much you need to be saved. i was so dreadfully contrite yesterday ><

Friday, April 6, 2012

bananas/ one more time, ok?

right now i'm at my limit
everything is now stressing me out
i can't keep on like this
don't stop before the sun comes out

i'm goin banana bananas
- g.na

lol always thought this was a happy upbeat song, never knew she was singing about being stressed! it is v hard to do a writeup after mad exam-mugging GAH. but i dont feel very stressed. in fact, i just feel very sleepy. in fact, i keep randomly falling asleep. sweet sleep indeed.

and the only reason why i am doing a second jaundice writeup is i am obssessed with the t-tube the writeup patient has. no idea why.

anyway: surgery eopt = THANK GOD literally. it wasnt very awesome [like i totally messed up the breast qn] but i think it went averagely okay. and i think mugging for it increased my surg knowledge a hundredfold which will be good for... mbbs, and TEH FUTURE. when i ever actually get there.

i dont think ill talk about the religious stuffs here but it was really inspiring, encouraging & affirming :) one of the things i find amazing is how, whereever you are, God is too. i think that's pretty awesome. even in different churches, different countries, God is there. and that prioritizing mass over gym is DUH the right choice x 100. spiritual muscle > real muscle anytime yo. on that note, i feel unfit maaaax. haha.

OK. writeup, church, some form of physical activity before i go stir-crazy. then STUDY URO

i wanna go to the bahamas.....

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

happythings

Psalm 62:5
Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him.
Luke 11:36
If you are filled with light, with no dark corners, then your whole life will be radiant, as though a floodlight were filling you with light.

1 Corinthians 9:24-25
Don’t you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win!
All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize.

1 Corinthians 12:6
God works in different ways, but it is the same God who does the work in all of us.

Lamentations 3:23
Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.


indeed :) even at 7am, coffeeflask + trauma teaching = feels grateful & loved [altho rather sleepy]
today is crazy tutorial day, culminating in a FOUR HOUR tutorial by the awesome mr y on breast, tubes, drains, surgical instruments, etc.

there were times when a day felt so long
there were times when time passed so quickly
all you need to do is keep your footsteps so you wont shake
there were times when i just wanted to sit down
but i know that there is a reason to this road
shinhwa - on the road

i esp like this line "there were times when i just wanted to sit down" HAHA so true. once i was on call and the reg was like "can we just stop walking and stand here for a while"

gogogo. i can do this!! i didnt run today :( feel so incredibly bummeD. they better ask something about ganglion/ sebaceous cyst/ lipoma/ scc/ bcc to make my lack of run worthwhile.


Monday, April 2, 2012

hot cross buns

every time i mess up, am contrite, but i still get saved anyway

unexpected blessings; guilt & resolving to try harder next time.

i'm so glad i went for penitential that mon. even tho i had to run like mad from an unfamiliar mrt station. so many things ive always beat myself up about. it's not a sin, it's okay. the simple but such good advice. yes, it's not when you're trying hard to be a good human being that you slip, it's in the moments when you're busy/ distracted/ stressed that you snap at people and lose your resolve. but it's okay, that's not really a sin either. ask for help to deal with those situations and the help will be given to you.

i only have like three more days, counting tonight. essentially, i'm doomed. but in the middle of this, i want to be a good person. because the real test is in eternity, not on thursday. but somehow, it's easier to memorise things and google esoteric terms, rather than to keep my cool. and it doesnt help when one is pmsing. LOL.

but even tho i am so flawed, He always saves me. when i saw that email, i couldnt help but have the kneejerk reaction: God is really good. it's not just that when good things come i am grateful, it's that sometimes, you KNOW. this is from God. i know this because on my own merit, i dont deserve this one bit.

i loved palm sunday with everyone gathering outside the church to follow the procession in. it just seemed for one minute as if we were a part of the crowd, 2000++ years ago, part of the people who crowded around to hear Jesus's teachings. i thought that was pretty cool. for one minute, we werent just people coming on a regular sunday, we were people who wanted; yearned to be there.

something that has been on my mind lately is, walking thru the snow to get to church, looking for God. and then i realised that if i were to rewind, there are only one set of footprints in the snow. something that is really comforting is the realization that He must have looked upon that and thought it was good. how thoroughly encouraging, to go through so much crap, but at the end of it realise that it was worth it. somehow, it's just such a weirdly beautiful thought. and then ofcos i woke up, and i was a flawed human being who is unable to organise exam studying, a human being who is unable to triumph over physical pain; a human being unable to withstand the temptations of chocolate

whatever happens, i just want it to be known that no accomplishment i do is mine. i think it is pretty obvious that i am the antithesis of talent [apart from a few singular talents i seem to have been given, eg writing poetry and speaking, literally, speaking, actually writing speeches may be a different matter altogether, those only work like maybe 10% of the time, and maybe the ability to make myself run even when i dont feel like it].

but thats the beauty of it, isn't it? if God helps those who are already at the pinacle of accomplishment, then no one knows if it's from God or from themselves. if He helps those who are so obviously unworthy, then it's clear as day where the miracle is coming from. except when one is unworthy, how can one be worthy of God's help. i dont know either. my eternal struggle lol. let's just hope that for the millionth time, God helps me out, goodness only knows i sure need help this time

that sunday, i was a bit lost because i had gone to the washroom, i didnt know why everyone was crowding around the doors outside. then i realised that they were waiting for the procession. tiptoeing & trying to see what was going on, i was strongly reminded of the story about the cloak. because you have faith, you shall be saved.

i just ate a chocolate hot cross bun. it was supeR yummy. if i do well for surg, i am so baking chocolate hot cross buns.

ps: i am determined to make my faith better with some actual theological knowledge read: actual bible studies, at some point in time. maybe not right before the exams, but i will join them at cana. and i just realised i smsed annthea yes i was going for edmund's baptism on sat, ie i have to go for the easter virgil which i have never gone like since FOREVER. well, if i can stay up all night to assist in an appendectomy, i think i can stay up until midnight for this.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

whoa.

1.  thrombosed haemorrhoids
2. familial adenomatous polyposis
3. parathyroid adenoma p/w ransons 8 pancreatitis
4. MNG [actually saw quite a few]
5. rokitansky- aschoff sinuses [!! well i saw it in a report, i obviously didnt visually see the sinuses. but still]
6. learnt that post thyroidectomy, the pt is usually given thyroxine at levels that cause TSH suppression
7. tertiary hyperparathyroidism
8. oesophageal webs [and also iron def anaemia and gerd, so.... plummer-vinson?!]
9. parotidmegaly
10. transplanted kidney

[ps i saw all these on my call day so didnt have time to document, i'm not mugger enough to go back hosp on sunday heh]
it's a lovely sunny day, lent is coming to an end in a few days time & it'll be easter sunday!! i want to have an easter egg hunt man. this is like a lifelong wish. meanwhile, i have to survive the surgery exam, which i am not very confident of surviving. part of the problem is my short attention span and the rest of the problem is, let me see, just about everything else.

had a lovely run to dempsey & back the other day at nine pm. such a ridiculous time, thanks to surg -_- because obviously when i arrive home at ~630pm all i want to do is sleep/ eat and who is going to go running right after walking around the hosp all day long.

currently i am really very zonked & i dunno how long i can continue, and the exam is on THURSDAY. i am really tired of constantly feeling like i'm going to pass out any moment, and mentally counting my mini-cexes and arranging my schedules. i spent my sunday studying scrotal swellings, which actually are v interesting. hydroceles! and my saturday at an ecg day [no doubt with like half my class + free lunch + i did zhao early puahaha] wow so happening right!