About Me

Thursday, May 31, 2012

macaron

there's something about macarons that make me feel like life is worth living

other things i wanna make (links here to reminD myself)
1. like a strawberry milk's raspberry madeleines which i can't make, not having a madeleine mold
2. nordljus's truffle honey madeleines

mm. i think im going to be arm deep in my weight's worth of butter and sugar and flour. loving it

as for my electives, i'm loving it too. a little too much. in fact, i'm literally obsessed about it. anyway, its breaktime now. i'll save the obsession for 9-5pm. now, going to sink myself in dreams of puff pastry.
sometimes it seems like reading about chocolate eclairs will magically paint the trees rainbow colors. like there suddenly will be coffee colored bikes, and my life will be instagrammed. but all too often, the gleaming frosting, the essence of the vanilla is just a room which may or may not be windowless. belief is by itself, unpoetic. madeleines, are by essence, poetic. just look at proust. i think madeleines, be they honey- strawberry, or paris-flavoured, they embody everything that is good about the past, present, and the future. it's like hope crystallised, into the smell wafting off a page. like every time i open a new book, slamming shut the old one of fears, my fingers, sticky with honey and chocolate, will leave my mark. because the memories, and knowing what you have overcome, makes the present all the sweeter. so i have to do this, with butter, with meringue, with ganache. because i know that somewhere, at a time and place i do not know, or maybe just one undeserving day, suddenly everything changed, for the good. that's the only way i can explain it. unlocking an unlimited amount of sugar, cookie cutters, and panache, for my use, so i can sweeten the day for others too

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

the pursuit of happiness

this is, happiness

today i bumped into a v nice HO, who i first met on an int med call at ttsh when she was still an m5! good times :)

i know there seems to be a lot of "i must do this, i must go all the way". but this really is, you know. i must say, there are precious few things i prize above w and his combat. hahaha. sleep being one of them (SO. SEVERELY. JET. LAGGED), and this being another

sometimes watching movies, i have this feeling, that it's a sheer delight being alive. movies, artfully cinematographed and choreographed, have this way of highlighting the beauty in life so starkly. it's like someone handing you a torchlight and saying "here, put on these rose colored glasses, life can be really awesome if you let it be". i used to scoff at these unrealistic promises of optimism, believing that the more pessimistic i was, the more often i'd be happily surprised. instead, i was often unpleasantly so. guess what, believing the worst doesn't prevent it from happening, no shit sherlock.

i won't say that i am a pollyanna or a purveyor of rainbows. but i believe in hope. i believe that as long as you go about with a face lighted by the candlelight of hope, no matter what, it's going to be okay. it doesnt mean you'll be a millionaire or gisele bundchen or king of the world, but i believe that it promises you plenty of crossaints, hot chocolate and free flow of french pastries on airplanes. oh, and if your luggage is too big to fit into the overhead compartment, the air steward will put it in his locker instead of throwing it into the pacific ocean

Monday, May 28, 2012

flambeaux

woke up severely jetlagged at around 2.33 to coffee, cereal and a bevy of whatsapp messages about results having come out... and found out that... I PASSED!! WHOOPEE!! well, no deans list (why am i so obssessed about this again?!) and also, if the class av is A- then erm im obviously under the average lol but WHATEVER MAN, i did it!! seriously, with my killer long case, i think there was cause for concernn. So. surg results came out too, and i got 71%!! *JOY* okay, again, by my class standards, nothing to shout about. but PERSONAL SATISFACTION YO.

and we all know who i want to thank for the miracle of me passing year 3. the year i so hoped and dreamed for, has come to a conclusion so beautifully, filled with so much excitement, hilarity, knowledge, and so many awesome experiences. i dont think i could have dared to hope for any more than this.

here's a summary of the trip that rounded off my year 3. it wasnt a trip to a prestigious newfangled medical institution, or a globe-trotting scenic one that one can spam photos of inducing fb jealousy (but goodness knows i have plenty of those globe trotting ones alr hehehe) it wasn't a CIP project to a backwater third world country where i constructed a mudhouse or taught people english. but it did mean a lot to me, and it certainly did involve a lot of menial labor (you're telling me). the sort of labor that isnt credited anywhere on earth (and who knows if its credited in heaven, and anyway i didnt do it for the potential brownie points). the sort of thing that there is no reward for but the work needs to be done, and you feel really satisfied afterwards.

and in the process, i met a lot of awesome people from all around the world, teaching me that you dont have to go globe-trotting, you can go somewhere where people from all over come to. i met romanians, croatians, irish (super alot of irish!!), french, italians, germans, koreans, even malaysians hahaha.

to avoid detection, that's all the specifics ill say. the ten most memorable things were
1. flambeaux ie torchlight. nuff said. apparently people could hear me for miles off. lets hope it was heard up there too :)
2. cows/ sheeps/ horses. I LOVE COWS
3. cherry blossom macaroon
4. singing gregorian chants in latin
5. being chatted up by a romanian as i tried desperately to escape but was backed up against a really sturdy locked door built in like the 1800s
6. having very real conversations with angmohs which for me, is really a first. id sort of resigned myself to believing that cultural barriers can never really be broken down beyond a "hey how was the night out?" but i guess this just goes to show that religion is the same worldwide. on this point, i especially loved meeting the irish boy and the german girl. i think they are very genuine people & very kind people. God really has a way of answering the smallest prayers lol i knew i had a hang up in this area though i didnt really need for my belief that one cannot have real convos about life with angmohs or real connections with them to be debunked HAHA but its really nice to know that it's possible! :)

7. the kind frenchwoman in a really small frenchtown who despite not really understanding my game of charades mimicking airplanes, gave me her map, allowing me to navigate our way out
8. mountain escapades
9. crossaints. actually ALL FRENCH PASTRIES. yums
10. just the feeling, beyond all doubt, that i was doing the right thing. a safe feeling. standing at my fav spot looking at the far-off mountains, telling the malaysian priest something i have never told anyone outright face to face before. omg he even told the other pple from his parish "wow we got so much to read. its a miracle! like her. she got a miracle" lol.
11. oh oh also i spoke korean to koreans!! so exciting. although i may have said GIVE ME *name of famous star* instead of I LIKE *famous star* coz the words are really similar
12. hunger games in transit was FABULOUS

all in all, all i really wanted out of this was to land safely back home HAHA. so it definitely transcended all expectations. there are less superficial reflections, but i think, let them percolate.

bring on yr 4 :)

Thursday, May 17, 2012

salmon fishing in the yemen

walking this tightrope of belief. for the longest time i thought that was wrong. but you see, if i wasnt always on tenterhooks to wonder if miracles will indeed happen to me, its like relinquishing all hope.
wish i could dispense stickers sometimes, to prevent against monsters from under the bed
you know what, i really have to do this. its like there is nothing in the world so worthwhile as this.
other thoughts - "do not worry about what you will eat or what clothes you will wear" or something to that effect. a verse i/we should rmb and TAKE TO HEART. so i dunno why this period is even more fraught with stress than before exams, but you know, im so happy that im no longer packing my life into boxes/luggages. i think thats one of the most depressing things to do. i actually really liked the freedom to do whatever i wanted but i really hated the part where i had to somehow fit everything of my life into a finite space, and drag the boxes containing it from point a to b. makes you feel so rootless, like a wandering vagabond

so, my approach to this is that - yes, i think i should get down to it and do it, but at the same time, know that if i'm doing His will [which in this case, im pretty sure i am], i dont need to worry about what to bring. it will all sort itself out. lesson #1 :)

and for today, i must really give thanks. really.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

beyond stats

i typed beyond stars. haha

wj's post is really so inspiring. it's more beautiful than anything i could ever write. the reason i write poetry is that in daily life, my whining is far from inspiring or motivating.

dont know why but images of the past were cycling past my eyes at 100km/h. of things irrevocable, no matter how we try. it made me realise that, even though i can't change the past, i can change the present. that's all we can ever do.

even though i'm so human and more flawed than the average human being, somehow the most unlikely miracles keep happening to me. i think i know more than anyone else that i dont deserve these things. rg, medicine, coming back, winning the debate. how did God change my flaws into such perfection? it's really beyond my comprehension.

i think it's all linked, somehow.
some great revelation

but one thing i must say. i dont think, that i was meant to learn from that experience & then throw the memory away or wash it away with the soapsuds. even if i was meant to, thats the furthest from the truth possible. i think about it all the time. how i could have done it better, what i could have changed. i never come up with any answers. i dont think i learnt anything from it except how to hurt. i dont ever let myself get even one milimeter close to such a situation with anyone. but probably i couldnt, ever again.

Monday, May 14, 2012

lots of staaats

exams have ended but i'm still caught up in a whirl of stress. keep finding myself on buses, planning my days out...

what i really wanna do right now is
1. go to a bookshop & read & buy books [i will i will]
2. meet up with friends over leisurely coffees, conversation and... books. LOL. yeah i'm a nerd like that haha
3. bake yummy stuff for teh people i love

but oh well i get to
1. go travelling
2. run/ gym etc. all stuff i love. omg the exam induced cabin fever was really torturous
3. do what i wanted for electives [God really does have a way of granting all my random prayers, and often in a form better than i could have even imagined]

so... even though i feel VERY STRESSED, it's alllright
yeah. that about sums it up

really cant wait for friday evening, when everything is done & dusted & i'm heading off for (literally) greener pastures. just hope that in between, everything goes smoothly.

on the bright side, i wrote some poetry today. yay! it's not very good but

Sunday, May 13, 2012

thoughts

okay. i can live in fear until the results come out, which is i dunno when, or i can trust in God's goodness, and just enjoy my post-exam freedom.

it's difficult. it's really difficult.

but you know, i dont think i could have done any more. it's not just about preparation, its also about actual performing on your feet, at that moment.

i want to thank God for giving me really kind examiners, esp for the ortho case where he literally walked me thru the thing, turning a potentially scary case into something that i could answer everything properly. its really amazing. it could definitely have been a whole lot worse.

i think i know what to do. i won't be a doubting Thomas. i don't have to see it in black & white, for me to believe.

dear God, i just want to pass. that's all i ask for

Saturday, May 12, 2012

for i know the plans i have for you

they are plans for good
and not for disaster
to give you a future
and a hope 
when all you can do is
close your eyes tightly & believe
with everything you have
that the Lord will save

there can be miracles...
if you believe....

Friday, May 11, 2012

here i am



abit the overdose of pictures, haha, but.

i dont deserve to do well. i didnt prepare properly these past 3 days. but i have around ten hours, i think i can make a difference now. its not that i dont believe in miracles, its that i know i dont deserve one. but currently the miracle i think is likely is that suddenly i find lots of strength and study really hard. yeah, that'll be miraculous indeed.
just do it. 

omg its 130am

saw ___'s bday photos & felt nostalgiccc so went to look at old photos, but to scroll thru those, i need to look at more reccent ones. chanced upon the happiest photo EVER seriously. i love the look on our faces, of absolute happy ASTONISHMENT

i must keep remembering that, when it gets difficult. the actual mugging is not that difficult... ok actually it is. but the mental exhaustion really gets to me. can't... study... anymore....

do you know, that time not so long ago, i really did not believe. i really did not understand why i kept being dragged back to this thing. even after long discussions & the fear of phailing at something with such HIGHSTAKES. even after the changes which i felt so much relief about... and then suddenly i was pulled back into it. "i dont understand why the sign keeps changing" i told s "this is the final sign!" he said. such conviction lol. becos i did not believe, i tried my utmost to trust, but i decided that i would prepare to my greatest ability, every angle possible, to counteract the winds of uncertainties. but even then not everything is preparable, you know? that time was the most reccent time i felt fear. but somehow i kept going, goodness knows how or why. i suppose part of it was all the fun we had. i dont really think the time i am having currently can be considered FUN lols

well, i dont know where i'm going with this. & i think mugging the topic that will come out will do more direct good than reminiscing all the times God came through for me and how i approached each of it. i mean, becos in the end it's all up to His will, and i can only try my best... which unfortunately isnt very good

but you know, i have no idea what will come out and i have no more will to study...

so i have this to say: when i chanced upon that photo, seeing how something that i was really not confident of doing somehow turned out SO great, and its something within really reccent memory, not some far-flung memory... it really encouraged me. there is SOME HOPE, out there, SOMEWHERE. most importantly is that, somehow i was able to rise above myself & all my inadequacies, incompetencies, and do something far beyond my abilities. [okay i suppose i occasionally can do a good job with that, but you know the times i have managed to do that is so rare WAHAHA. and i very rarely do it in times that actually matter] 

im scared and i dont think it's gonna be okay.

but maybe, just maybe there's a chance, somewhere over the rainbow...

Thursday, May 10, 2012

"Study to show thyself approved unto God, a workman than needeth not to be ashamed..." 2 Timothy 2:15

"Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God"
- Psalm 43:5

"When you go out to battle against your enemies, and see horses and chariots and people more numerous than you, do not be afraid of them; for the LORD your God is with you, who brought you up from the land of Egypt. So it shall be, when you are on the verge of battle, that the priest shall approach and speak to the people. And he shall say to them, 'Hear, O Israel: Today you are on the verge of battle with your enemies. Do not let your heart faint, do not be afraid, and do not tremble or be terrified because of them; 'for the LORD your God is He who goes with you, to fight for you against your enemies, to save you.'"
- Deuteronomy 20:1-4


~

you know, being scared is one thing, thats understandable. being so nervous you cant concentrate, jumping from one thing to another, not knowing what to do next, thats stupid, and unforgivable. but the upshot of it is that i mean i definitely have breadth, as opposed to spending 3 days studying murmurs. i did spend quite long studying murmurs though. LOL.

so here goes - to keep myself accountable - very difficult. i'm as jittery as if i drank ten cups of coffee. wha me?
tues after exam - watched lots of television to "decompress" YEAHH im just lazy. umm i managed to start studying aortic stenosis. aortic stenosis.... is an ESM. wow so smart

wed- i think i spent too much time on murmurs i wont rmb. whateveR. and then i finally figured out how to instruct people on using inhalers + spacers. SO MANY INHALERS. theres the MDI, the accuhaler (the ufo shaped one), the turbuhaler (the lipstick shaped one). and then u need to know how to use mdi + spacer. or mdi + spacer + facemask. FACEPALM. ok. i think i know it now. spent really long trawling around the internets for pretty cartoon pictures and i found them! jaackpot.
oh um i practiced respi, cv, neuro [cranial nerves, LL and UL. but i forgot to practice cerebellar whoops], and ortho - hip, knee, and hands

thurs - peds murmurs, advice for peds cardio conditions, read surg longcase accounts, colorectal cancer, and i WILL DO VARICOSE VEINS BEFORE I SLEEP. and also i will practice cervical spine + lumbar spine exams + grab someone to regurg the peds vaccinations + epilepsy + asthma counselling. note how everything is in the FUTURE tense even though its 10pm

fri - revise all of surg + gen med - neuro [like charcot marie tooth, parkinsons, blahblah]. memorize DA!!
will this be enough? WHO KNOWS

heartbeat

lol so my itunes DJ playlist is playing... and then suddenly the heartmurmurs i downloaded from studentconsult.com start playing LOL

the universe has a nice message for me today...
Some of the coolest dreams that ever came true, e, weren't dreams at all, but standards that simply weren't compromised.

Oh yeah, we takin' over...
The Universe

e, always being your best, shining your brightest, and standing as tall as you can, pays far more dividends than one might imagine.
ps for the uninitiated, since sec 3 when MY reccomended this to me, i get email msges from the universe wahaha its called notes from the universe, can ask me for the website if you want. its highly encouraging HAHA even tho i know everyone gets the same emails everyday, sometimes it really fits the scenario & gives the extra oomphh to the day. thanks universe, for being my cheerleader all these years. LOL

beautiful night

a pretty mv to wake up to! and yeah i woke up at noon ++. AWESOME. i think between 1130 and noon i was sleep-planning my day. yeah, i know i'm insane. it was my subconscious doing it not me!

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

where do we go from here

just feel so frustrated in general. dont know how to begin, dont know which holes i still need to plug. just dont know where to start

just feel like i'm going to blow up at something or someone really soon
this is bad bad bad

shinhwa- welcome



without a place to escape

i guess im ready now

SO CATCHY :):)



In the darkness I can see your light
I come to where you are
In the silence I can hear your voice
I come to where you are
~

i officially HATE heart murmurs. opening snap is far from the S2, longer MDM means more severe; austin flint murmur, gallarvardin phenomenon; soft S2 with narrow/ reverse split BLahblahblah

but when mugging gallarvardin phenomenon it reminded me of the time when the senior told me and y "go and listen to that patient" and we went to take history. then when we finished the senior was still on the cow so he was like what did you hear? us "regurgitates history" senior: I MEANT LISTEN TO HIS HEART!!

and apparently that patient had a gallarvardin thingy. talk about wasting good signs on blur people, hahaha good memories. funnily enough me and y again were in some clinic during surg and then a patient came in and kept talking about her son in med sch, and then she asked us, do you know xxx? and it was that very senior!! OMG couldnt stop giggling it was so terrible wahaha. okay this needs background knowledge to be funny. but still! things that make me smile on this rainy day :) m3 was such fun wasnt it UP TO THIS POINT blech

the path of minor planets

i have
- palpitations
- tremors
- nausea
- POLYPHAGIA
- anxiety

ddx
- hyperthyroidism
- why are they giving us an mbbs style exam in yr 3?!

anyway, cranberry almond cereal is yum, and combat is love. i love how the instructor greets people randomly with BOOM outside the class

i really want to be m4 now

i really want someone to come & save me, but i think the universe is telling me to save myself.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

many stridorous children

one more one more!

i think this is getting to be a boring account of my life. i kinda loved chronicling the surgery days "oh, didnt do much today, just helped out in an appendectomy & ran around back and forth to the a&e all day long" haha.

anyway, its come to a point where there are just SO MANY EXAMS and you just shut up, and do it, theres not much to be said about it anymore

~
but it helps to know that music & lyrics & pancakes exist; that there is still an outside world. today we took a class photo under the trees. it seemed like such a weird juxtaposition, like a day at the beach with sandcastles, something maybe to be looked back upon with fondnesss one day, when yet it was taken on a day so predatorily anticipated, like a leopard.

all this planning, finely woven like a persian rug designed to catapult us somewhere; magic carpet of dreams. these few days, sleep is like an easter egg, preciously given and sweetly consumed. it's like i'll wake up tomorrow and be out of this desert. i'll open my eyes and be led to the water. i'll realise that without knowing it i have crossed the gobi and made my way to the land of macaroons. that even though ive been rock climbing alone, i was in a safety harness all along

the rapids wont wash my kayak away, i wont get dehydrated. hello pacific ocean, for i am so much better equipped than ever before

Monday, May 7, 2012

gotta love the universe

 Remember, you will always have friends, guides, and love, e, but no one is coming to "save you."
That's the adventure package you signed up for.
The one that comes with all the superpowers, guaranteed rebounding abilities, and the all-powerful scrunched-nose-when-you-smile.

Your 5 Star Time-Space Adventure Tour Agency Manager,
The Universe

Did you scrunch it, e? I know you just scrunched it.



thoughts

yesterday this time i was a nervous ball, now im just chillin' out

actually it was quite bad, but objectively speaking i think i did a much better job than i expected. horror on opening the first paper and knowing nothing, turning to happiness when praying for st joseph's help just before the 2nd paper and INDEED REALLY I KNEW EVERYTHING IN THAT PAPER. back pain, thyroid, malena, nephritic syndrome, DM, essential hypertension. everything i have been mugging my head off these past two weeks. unfortunately i ran out of time with the thyroid qn. oh well. pick & choose ur battles! i do feel its abit wasted but its better than NOT KNOWING WHAT TO WRITE cough paper one.

i dont know how to describe it, i definitely did much better than i could on my own strength. the resultant effect isnt deans list material, but its okay. but with exams, you neverknow. so... i just wanna pass. seriously. okay now for a thousand mcqs zomggggg

Sunday, May 6, 2012

rainbow ride

there are plenty of things i feel like saying now. but i think for now this shall suffice. also, i dont know why i thought starting surg at 11pm the night before the exam was a good idea, i know i just finished my surg posting but the whole of andre tan to be revised seems like a rather bleargh bedtime story.

[John 14:27] Peace I leave within you; my peace I give to you, I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your heart be afraid.

[Deuteronomy 31:6] Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.

doing a qn on advice on what to do in an acute seizure and it reminded me of the time we were prepping & sanjiv told us that story of how he managed a seizure LOL omg. good times.

even though i was so unsure of that it turned out okay. talk about miracles.

actually at the time, i was just super freaked out about what was going to happen. but now, looking back (and it wasnt even that long ago, haha!) it seems all fuzzy, gold-streaked, sunlight-filled. warm fizzy stuff.

less than 24 hours. come on come on

Saturday, May 5, 2012

daily dose of encouragement

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Matthew 11:28

My God, enable me to trust in the good outcome

of the test I am about to take;
help me to contribute my own share
of optimism and confidence.
With your grace, my God,
I hope to crown my efforts with success.
Keep far from me at this moment
any presumption that it all depends
exclusively on me.
You are next to me, my God,
the necessary and welcome presence
in all the moments of my life.
I will take this test, my God,
because it is important
for my personal development.
My God, be the source of my inspiration
in my doubts and uncertainties,
supporting me with your blessing.
Amen.
 
 i am more scared than i have ever been. no, actually i have definitely been more scared before. but it's a scary test, that's for sure. the prospect of the unknown. the prospect of me leading the examiners down a random path just by a nervous word that slips out my mouth and they jump on that to zham me about some exotic thing. the prospect of not knowing, of not having done enough. it scares me that i must ration out my remaining days and the days no longer belong to me. that even a run must be so stringently portioned out like wartime bread. why can i not just believe, for once, that i will be okay. is that faith or is that selfindulgent overconfidence. why, after so many miracles, can i still cannot bring myself to have blind faith... maybe because, i know that the reward isnt in there here and now. however whereever the reward may be i have to, and would very much like to, pass this exam.

and seeing how i have worked my tail off for the longest time save like two weeks of glorious re-humanization in which i -gasp- had lunches with friends, high teas, attended birthday parties, and so forth, i want to justify that somehow. and more importantly, becos i know my effort goes without saying, i need to make sure that i do justice to the miracle in my life. i know i keep extending the goalposts, but this seems like the final goalpost. this seems like the best way to say thank you i now know happiness i did not realise could exist. i chased love and hedonism and what i thought would make me happy but in the end it took an act of selflessness to make me so happy that i dont think that i can call it selflessness anymore. it's just that, at the time, i didnt know that even greater miracles awaited me.

so i have not really been freaked out very much [as in, relatively speaking to my past experiences. not relative to what a normal person would do. haha], becos of some inner calm. and now i AM freaking out going: I HAVENT DONE ENOUGH. why havent i been hyperventilating ridiculously for the past month?! why can i even wonder to myself when i should run or go to combat when that one hour is SO PRECIOUS. for the record of course i am not going to spend one hour punching thin air instead of doing past yr qns. i am just freaked out that i am that cool about it that i can even consider that.

anyway, it is now 1am and i have like five things to do on my to do list.

world, i will let you know if it was foolhardy calm, or it was some sort of inner peace that comes from oh say, faith plus MUGGING LIKE ANYTHING TO SURVIVE ALL THE KILLER POSTINGS thus far.

that doesnt change that i am scared.

Friday, May 4, 2012

unbroken

I don’t know what this is

But I can tell it’s something that I can’t miss
It’s like you’re showing me
Where happiness lives
And all I have the strength to do
Is turn to you
With every empty space
I’m missing pieces only you can replace

I can promise you that this heart
Was brighter than a falling star
You picked up my pieces and put me together
There’s no way you’d ever know
That my heart was breaking
Cos u came and threw me a line

I was falling apart but now I’m falling forever
Because of you im unbroken

I just woke up from a dream where
I was in one piece
No fragment of me and
In these empty streets
love held me together and it never let me go
One republic, unbroken


You picked up my pieces and put me together
i can't emphasize how true this is.

twelfth night

things i want to do
1. watch twelfth night at fort canning
2. just go to london and spend one month watching all the plays on west end/ the smaller venues around. infact i think i shall apply to ormond street for electives or sth. [wail. no john hopkins?! then again, i shouldnt embarrass myself infront of my idol.]

random loveliness from interval drinks
"the stick-on plastic stars on the bedroom ceiling have never deigned to glow in the dark"

i'm beyond study fatigue. still on neonatology. something tells me my study breaks are a little too long. i dont really have much of a concept of time anymore. have to resort to setting my timer on my phone to remind myself of this abstract, strange thing. its like when i was ninja-ing all my mandatory mini-cexes for surg and i forgot to wear my watch on the day i did my thyroid test HAHA so i downloaded a stopwatch thingy on my phone using the wifi in the driveway just before driving off, and i whipped it out as i was taking the pulse of the patient. j ng was like "you use your phone to count the pulse rate?!"

am really not sure, if this calmness & peace is a grace-filled one, or if its becos i am just TOO CALM FOR MY OWN GOOD AND THIS IS BAD. yea i know i dont sound calm now but in reality i'm just like lalalala *oh, a goat!* yes, that. but at least im not hyperventilating and grasshoppering from one topic to another and being unable to study and needing to watch dramas to actually physically calm myself down. at least i'm still doing endorphine-inducing runs instead of just becoming a neuron-filled sack of adipose and feeling crappy abt myself & life. at least im studying important topics thoroughly. like yesterday i did DM and hypertension and these are IMPORTANT TOPICS PEOPLEEE. no really they are lor. or was it yesterday?

... i did say im losing track of time

anyway, it could be better, but it could be worse. i kinda dislike this waking up every morning & knowing i have to fight yet another neverending battle between time and determination and the kitchen. but then when i do cross things off my list it feels great. that said im getting a little obsessive abt crossing things off and list making. must i really make a check box for each past yr paper i do or count how many qns left... okay whatever. DOCUMENTATION & accountability!

and to fight the urge to snack i am finally in the library with fellow human beings. i havent been out of the house for a VERY LONG TIME. such happiness as i drove off this morning at ~950am and SO EARLY wow wonders will never cease. my day-night reversal is reversing! unfortunately revelling in this i missed the right turn and had to walk really far from the admin block into the library building. and then i had to walk thru the hosp so ermmm we're banned from the hospital right now so i kept thinking pple would apprehend me at any time. quite the journey fraught with apphrehension.

and now i must really finish neonatology. measuring babies' heads reminds me of marlow

Thursday, May 3, 2012

caffe latte


i didn't forget everything
i was trying to pretend that i forgot
i remember the times when i was left standing

i endured those times
i tried to let it go, but i can't do that anymore
its only a memory to tell, still i keep wondering
-the day we by urban zakapa

im out of breath cos i ran here in case i fell again
because i am sorry for many things
that's why i am running again
- so i run, feast of the gods ost

a) must stop watching neurosurgery dramas
b) must stop sekret dreams of being a neurosurgeon cos i have absolutely no intention of going thru gs residency uargh
c) the comments on syndrome are hilarious 'i know its hard to english sub this drama because of the medical which we dunno really what it mean"

HAHAHA i have to agree in general, i dont really know myself either. but in the case of this drama, it's all like GIANT ANEURYSM, okay whaaat. its not like neurofibromatosis-1 actually to me that's still ok. its the iron chelation therapy for thal that really gets me. id like to see someone translate that haha. ok la there's some moya-moya and stuff. but in general its all just scheming & politicking and plotting while staring out the window!

this song is called CAFFE LATTE, what's not to love!


i like the indie sound but dont reaaally resonate with the lyrics... is it possible to love someone more than caffe latte?!  baby baby you're caramel macchiato

this is such a random post.

meanwhile, i was hunting high and low for my neonatology notes, then i realised i didnt take any notes but annotated the seniors notes. NO WONDER zzz. off to study the whole of neonatologY

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

it's so amazing


such a happy froody song! my new study crack



this too! combining two of my fav things, rooftop prince + jay park

if i pass my exams, THIS IS WHY. unless i get sick of them before the exams actually start. which is a high possibility the rate im going

random inspiration of the day


and yes, my day starts at 1130am. i am clearly a paragon of discipline & hardworkingness wahaha

further goodness

A Cast-Iron Eexcuse
Sorry I cannot come to your reading tonight.
I have to go to the South Pole.
- Paul Durcan