About Me

Thursday, June 28, 2012

epiphany

fireworks
THIS IS IT.  42.
this is the reason why i didn't fall off some rocky mountain, descending in the dark

and also contrary to expectations, there is light at the end of the tunnel! and i was just consoling myself thinking that, even if there isnt any light, or maybe there isnt any tunnel (matrix yo), it's better than having strobe lights.

i never even considered the possibility of fireworks

if ever you feel like you dont like waiting

the plan is...
i have no plan
just to do what i can
on a random note, yesterday felt like a summer day

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

feel extraordinarily peaceful typing out things in prose. numbers make my mind go wonky. i think this is precisely why i chose a career that involves memorising facts and long words over one in which i am required to do quantum physics and build rockets.

peace - not something i've felt in the flurry of things. i guess, the the sum is worth more than its parts. peace after not being perfect, not running fast enough, not trying hard enough as i imagined i would, like superwoman, flying from skyscraper to skyscraper.
i'm just going to enjoy this peace, because i sort of have no energy but to just blindly believe in this


humility is hard

- from the rather boppy leessang song

 i really cant do it by myself. the catch22 is that i dont wanna admit defeat, ARGH ok just. mind. blown.

on the bright side, yesterday right after i posted those inspirational pictures managed to get t BIG BANG TICKETS!! quite a nice metaphor there ;p so. yes. Big Bang has tided me over yet another stressful time! *cough microb*. thank you big bang!!

i tried my best, world, really i did. i know a good side effect though! making friends w all the people around, its really nice :)
*reminds self* DO WHAT YOU CAN DO AND GOD WILL DO WHAT YOU CANNOT DO

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

still alive

wow. i think like half my friends have graduated. its only coz med is 5 yrs that the other half hasnt graduated yet.

me? i'm in over my head in something that luckily is way beyond my dreams. oh, and i just bought a big bang concert ticket. hee. HAPPY. that should ensure that i spend emed, anesthesia & half of psych in a really really psyched up state of mind. I BETTER NOT HAVE ANYTHING ON THAT DAY. and i sincerely hope i can actually see stuff from the seat. and i am so going to bake cookies and ice I LOVE TAEYANG on them

ok. stop fangirling and do work. mmm

if you really love me

such a cute mv! and v dorky guys lol

~
I can’t love you with just the words, “I love you”

My obvious words are hurting you
Words spit out too easily, love that is too easy

If you really love me, then please wait
Even the words, “I love you”
Want each of your actions to be your true heart
If you really love me, then please wait
I will withstand this for you
Each of your actions become a painful memory

What you said, how much you wanted it

I don’t remember – are you growing weary?

Do you remember how my obvious words
Made you laugh on that night, on that deep night?
It’s all passing by, it has all passed









every end of the day

this morning as i got into the car, i chanced upon a random parish magazine. and the cover article which was on matthew 8:26 really struck me  - "you of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up, and rebuked the wind and the waves, and it was completely calm.


four more days, until i chase my cinnamon-scented dreams
lets make them well-earned, langourous days
not days in which i have to constantly think of what i've done and not done

time to turn belief into something concrete,
to make bread where i've always failed to do so before
to put behind my apprehension and fear
to do what i've always been saying i'll do, but never actually done before
for i know that if i do what i can do
God will do what i can't do

Saturday, June 23, 2012

flashback

well, life is improving! the puzzle has not been solved but it has been resolved, so not too bad

i quite liked going to central lib & collecting a thick volume of some ancient journal & photocopying it heh. makes me feel so studious. plus, im almost certain my sec 4 self would have loved to be checking out the journal of clinical ______ like x 100 so yay. had an impromptu meetup with a friend too who was returning stuff i lent her, my stethoscope now has heard an mitral stenosis murmur!! for the life of me, i cannot remember if i've ever heard it. now lets just hope my steth remembers it on my behalf. lol. i rationally think i've heard all the 4 major murmurs, but i cant like place a face/ memory to it. guess i must have heard it in one of those marathon cardio clerking days i had with yj in ttsh where the SIP student/ MO/ HO would give us cases after cases as we rushed round blasting through short cases. good timesss

but WHY IS SINGAPORE SO EXTREMELY HOT. zzz. it's crazy sweltering these days.
anyways. just wanted to express my relief about stuff being solved, or slightly more ok. i think this is a harbinger of EXTREMELY GREAT THINGS to come. or well. it better be. if i ever survive this. i can do this i can do this!

was initially planning to buy kazuo ishiguro, but needed to be reunited with my steth. SOON. i badly need a reward for surviving. or finishing. maybe i should actually finish first then reward myself, lol .

continuing with this stream of consciousness (i swear this is Significant!) today i ate tau suan. and it made me think of ______. and its then that i realised that i really did not deserve the niceness and the everything. like literally, i'm not good enough. i guess its just that, that sort of niceness is not something i was used to (or am). its something unfamiliar, and novel to me, and i had no idea how on earth to deal with it. i have lots of ways for dealing with unconventional friendships that i dont know where they are leading to, but i didnt have any idea at all what was the best way to deal with that. and as a consequence, i definitely didnt deal with it in a good way. oh well. these thoughts just flooded my head as i was eating the tau suan. great. now everytime i eat tau suan i'll think of this. well you know, no matter what, i do believe in God. and i believe that if it's meant to be, it'll be. even if i did mess up a lot of things. i mean, i have a high capacity for messing up a wide variety of things anyway. all i want to say is, truthfully, i have no approach to this kinda stuff. and so. and that that song is really my favorite of all time. so when i heard the strains of it coming out, despite everything, this thought ran through my head, independent of anything else... that maybe...

Friday, June 22, 2012

believe

all in all, it adds up to this. the words i keep saying these days. what do they really mean. i'm not even asking for a planet, or a star. i just, i dont know what i want. all i know is that this is really tiring. so let's not focus on that

nice things
1. random words of encouragement from the really sleepy post call ho. i dont even think she was directly encouraging me even, but nevertheless. possibly the only encouraging thing the entire day. or week. or something like that

2. seeing enthusiastic m3s wandering all over in their brandnew white coats. it almost makes me feel nostalgic about m3 even though i remember it was a really exhausting year. but then i come back as usual to a bevy of whatsapp msgs from my cg "what's up guys, i teleported twice today" loL. thanks guys for making m3 a year to look fondly back upon :):) lets make m4 awesomely fun as well! i promise to deliver no scandals, lots of laughs, and hopefully un-lame jokes!

3. high kick. an introduction to architecture.

it's one of those times, where i can see that there is some overarching Purpose, but i cant see how long until the resolution comes.
it's one of those times, where I just keep telling myself 'trust in God. trust in God' until the words dont even have meaning anymore.
where i just keep stalking the things i have to stalk, and wonder why.
it doesnt have to be this way, you know...

God takes time to work,  i understand that perfectly. but this is a very normal thing that can easily be solved and in the usual course of things should be no problem at all. for like five minutes i sunk into the usual "oh, its me, tell me about it, story of my life" thing. then i remembered, it hasn't been like that for ages and it will not be anymore. i won't let it.

why God, why. i really hope there is an excellent reason for this, because... GRAH. what can i say. im sure you can see my point of view perfectly. i am incapable of understanding, so i just hope & pray that everything will be okay. i dont know what okay is, either. i'll just do what i have to do to the best of my capability. i guess if everything went perfectly, id start to get suspicious too. like how can everything be so perfect, right. but this is JUST so random.

oh well.

keep on going

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Timeless. By After School


Even though I knew, I ignored it and turned away like a habit
Because I used to say that time will make you forget


* After the star disappeared, now I finally know
Your turned back seemed like there was so much sadness
With a cold voice, you said it as if it was natural
Like that, we separated again
Because I always believed it would be okay


I knew after the darkness came
Because of that small star
The world had shone
It would be better if I didn’t know

After you were gone
I finally look for you with regret




high high

and i'm feeling high high
the depressing past days are now bye bye
- kim tae woo, from a gentleman's dignity OST

random happy song to start the day!

been feeling really frustrated lately staring at articles trying to organise my thoughts, but nothing seems to go in! but then i realised that i just need to read around the area to understand everything better. at some point in time, everything's gonna click, and then i can write everything out properly. just waiting for that beautiful day to arrive. LOL

anyway today i must
1. go central library to pick up the journal i requested. i feel like this is the KEY TO EVERYTHING. no really its not. but pple keep referencing this paper so
2. get the notes i requested yesterday and request more for tomorrow
3. try to do the lit review on the new area
4. try to do result analysis part 2
5. sincerely hope that i will be able to meet my supervisor somewhere by chance and ask more qns

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

peach

omg. this is really difficult.

zzzz HOW on earth am i ever going to do this is beyond me

i tried to catch a falling star
you saved me by lighting up the dark
you brought the beat back to my heart
before i lost the will and fell apart
you made it right
and you saved my life

i consciously know it's going to be okay, i just for the first time in my life cannot see how i'm going to get from point A to B. i consciously know ive done all i can, i couldnt have done any more or any better. but yet i feel there is so much to do but where how what when ARGH

okay. endangst. chanced upon yj in the library after sleeping unglamorously in the middle of nowhere and we went for lunch! yay :)

i wanna take a minute, not to ask for anything from you, but simply to say thank you, for all i have


someday

random trains of thought -

1. walking through the peds neuro ward in sick kids, for the ssc we worked so hard to organise, feeling as if fireworks were going off in my head.
2. signing the agreement for my summer vacation project, being so entranced by what the supervisor was describing about the clinical implications of being able to identify these things on the scans. i thought, wow, this is it.
3. upon first seeing that this worked out, after the considerable stress of wondering what i should do this season, screenshotting the thing and entitling it "Thanks Be to God". because i wanted to remember that there is a reason why i did this instead of learning cake-making or something else equally enticing

Monday, June 18, 2012

the unprocrastination course

i think i need that. no idea why i feel so exhausted. 

seriously. i need a fairy godmother. or elves. elves used to do all my homework, where are they now?!  this second phase is much harder. suddenly feels like i know absolutely nothing. well, tomorrow is a different day. i just want to finish this in a presentable manner, a logical manner, with  nothing up in the air.

more happy AGD stuff
JDG: ( presenting female lead with jimmy choo shoes) Come to me wearing these. On a good day. Prettily.

no idea why that seemed so cool.
Omg. My computer is sooo slow...

the tree covered in dew

a gentleman's dignity is the show that is currently my crack.

it is SO good. i learnt another word in korean. jak sarang - it means unrequited love, or crush. now that's definitely a word i can identify with lol.

no but seriously, i love this show because not just does it have an EXTREMELY handsome jang dong gun *swoon*, it also deals with what people go through in their normal everyday life. as in, as opposed to boys over flowers, or secret garden, which are purposely meant to be over-the-top depictions of things. the characters just feel so real and fleshed out. like even the ajusshi F4 is not just eye candy but they all have really specific characters & personalities and you can tell they arent perfect angels but they're generally good guys deep down. well, cept for maybe the 50% of them that are players haha.

ok even if this show had none of these... JANG DONG GUN. nuff said.

and he does stuff like rear-ending cars to prevent the object of his affection from getting into them. zomg. so cool. and he protects her from having to make an awkward public confession to her crush too. that is seriously the nicest thing i ever saw in a tv drama. usually it's all just saccharine-sweet events with roses and candles. but that is... wow, talk about unconditional love. i think i just really like that he isnt overtly chasing her, like he still goes along with his everyday life, but he saves her behind her back and it doesnt really matter to him whether she knows or not. as opposed to the usual korean drama where the guy is just hanging around the girl until she gives up and accepts him.

okay maybe that's even more mind-messing up and brainwashy LOL to propagate the msg that even guys who dont overtly chase may still like teh girl, which is obviously not reaaally the case in real life. well dont worry folks, im well aware that this fantastic personality is limited to jang dong gun and probably is not exhibited by actual human beings. all the more reason to love him and his character heh. anyway since my every waking obsession is medicine/ my research project, i havent had time to think about guys since... i cant even rmb when is the last time haha.

her "so... you're saying that i'm your secret crush and you're now confessing to me"
him "yes. if you have any questions, feel free to contact me"

HAHA

friend "are you publicly confessing to her right now?"
him "oh, i confess to her every time i see her"

now that's something you need to be JDG to pull off. and i love the way his jaw drops, well, in general, but also when he looks at his beloved car after rear-ending it. LOL.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

green eggs & ham

perfect chilled out weekend  :)

woke up late, bummed around watching fabulous dramas, eggs benedict @ relish with d, omg YUM + good conversation, except i think the pple at the neighboring tables must have wondered what on earth we were discussing LOL andd then went for combat + did someone a favor yay i love being efficient & being useful to humankind :)

but the BEST part was the email saying that MY RESEARCH HAS BEEN PUBLISHED. and being able to pubmed myself and download the pdf of my own article. hehehe

although, to be honest, i didnt do much, as compared to lucy who sorted out everything i left behind + wrote the whole mammoth paper, SO MUCH GRATITUDE, thank you a million lucy!! xxxx 

seriously can't believe the kindness of the person who kept emailing me asking for details of where im now, etc. guess the six weeks of T2 weighted T1 weighted T2*, FLAIR, blahblah all paid off! YAY!!

thank you universe, for painting that summer with cherry blossoms, for making all the strawberries come to fruition. now that i'm doing research again, this article is such a welcome inspiration, that hey, i've done it once, surely the next one will come to fruition too

Friday, June 15, 2012

and now cross the andes

maybe i should keep track of how many banana cakes and starbucks coffees im consuming this season. today just feel very uninspired. i think its coz actually thinking is harder than mindlessly collecting information, duhh

random thoughts
n is in edin now for elective, haha looking thru the photos makes me have fondd memories. evoked lots of reflections (this is an understatement) it wasn't perhaps the easiest thing to do, but definitely the most logical. or rather, it was a foregone conclusion no matter how much of a good time i had there that i would have made the same choice, so it was probably an added bonus that i had sucha ball of a time.
the reason why i purposely hung on to the memories so long is that even if people forget easily, i refuse to be the person that forgets easily. and welll, i dont forget easily. LOL.

the most important takeaway point for me is this: i literally cannot emphasize enough my gratitude to the kindness and help given here. but then again, friendship extended in a farawayland, friendship extended in a time when i was in most need of it, at absolutely zilch benefit and possibily cost, like scandals WAHAHA ;p i dont think i can quantify these things.

however, to me, everything comes down to this. a night at the a&e when i realised two things
a) that i want to be a doctor and come back and work here and
b) that i want to do everything in my power to protect certain things, no matter how difficult it may be.

so i'm just grateful to both sets of friends, equally but in different ways, for allowing me to fulfil the promises i made to myself, and to the universe.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

pursuit of happiness (2)

on my pursuit of happiness, i endured for a long time

so that someday, everything will shine
even if sometimes, everything dissappears like the beginning
even if everything of me seems pathetic
in this marathon called life, our paths might be different
and even if we live insufficiently
we have fun along the way even though there is hardship
get to know the taste of enduring it and take one more step
'why is my life like this' those words are just excuses
dont give up so easily on this game called life
- leessang, pursuit of happiness



HEARTS.
basically i have MUCH TO DO and very little way to do it.
yay.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

maaany thoughts, but briefly
1. awesome 2 days of shopping. really retail therapy to the MAX, such a lovely and nice time.
2. human interaction is really so underrated. like the hos being friendly to me & inviting me to join their lunch teaching. makes the day v pleasant
3. meeting friends :) met e for lunch + was the bearer of good news for her LOL
4. baked last night! could have been better LOL but still. ACHIEVEMENT
5. planning electives 2 during electives 1 is such a strange feeling
6. timetable for m4 is out!! a&e and anaesthesia first. two things i used to love vvv much until i got diverted down this path. feel tempteddd, even more than for cardiosurg. anyway. at least i know it will be an enjoyable 6 weeks. SO EXCITED FOR M4. so many fun postings ahead. plus electives, hopefully they go as planned. that is, whatever i manage to plan. what is the best plan?!

now and then well doesnt it ALWAYS really, i feel nervous about the future. like. if this is so difficult, what are my chances. but i must remember what ___ told me, that she wasnt afraid cos she knew that if God wanted her to get it, she would. and if he didn't then she wouldn't. simple as that. that inspired me back then, and still does. i just worry that i am making this a false idol in my life. like running towards achievements. the thing i most hate, but this world runs on achivements! not that i have any. still. the eternal struggle.

today again i was faced with remembering my inadequacies. how people didnt believe in me. i realised a few things
a) i have not changed, one bit. the only thing that changed is the influx of blessings
b) the thens and the now are there for comparison's sake. if id always led a charmed life, then these blessings wouldnt mean a thing to me. wouldnt it be sad if i was blase about miracles & amazing things happening to me all the time?!
c) i dont think that in the past i was not a happy bunny cos i didnt believe. becos i mean how can an eight year old really know anything anyway. and dont kids have this magical thinking thingy going on until goodness knows what age. but that said actually i dont really remember anything before all the group performances skits we put up in primary school gep. so i COULD have been a really happy bunny. that said, i think the whole getting into gep thing is probably a miracle in itself considering how bad i am at maths. but definitely its not until _____ that i started analysing my faith. so it was probably a good thing. HAHA. the first, and the only good one. the others after that were positively detrimental to faith!!

i think the main difference is that now, magically, i somehow believe in myself. somehow, now i really do think that no matter what i get myself into, God will get me out of it. although i do get myself into a disproportionate amount of messes... i'm just really glad to have such a solid belief in this. call it opium, but you can ask me about all my miracles, i'll be more than happy to tell you :) i still have lots to work on though.

also i used to think that when i first flew off for the first time & did my visa, that was the most grownup moment of my whole life. i guess it was the first real grownup moment coz i was taking like the direction of my life into my own hands lol. and even though its so far away, i'm still really grateful for that, cos nothing today could have been achieved if that first step didnt become a happy reality. but then came the joyous slackery and total lack of accountability to anyone and anything when  its just 4 walls and you and you can watch tv the whole day without anyone knowing or saying anything. who me? heh. so i think the college life is a special kind of chilloutness which is not really adulthood HAHA. using freedom freely, oh well.

but, i think that everyday when i have to mould myself in the image of a doctor, emulate the professionalism of people i admire, dress professionally, make friends with people in the wards and all that... that's when i really grew up the most. at first its just playacting, but slowly it becomes less of a puton thing, and less and less of pretense. :)

Thursday, June 7, 2012

pieces of the puzzle

recently, in baking, i have felt like i always lack an element of something. now the milk, now the matcha powder, now the matches to light the fire

met up with j today for dinner! twas nice. we also discovered that we frequented borders and the national library's rooftop garden super alot when we were in jc LOL so dunno why we didnt see each other then?! anyway, realised that j was one of the first friends i made when i first came to rg :) like literally, becos my first exposure to rg was during debate camp. and she also flew with me to edin the very first time i went. goood times catching up! and medicine talk LOL what's new. and korean food = YUM

it feels so scary to know that my friends will be applying for their jobs in october. lol. that coulda been me. just really glad i have the extra time to learn more, experience more. i cant imagine being a doctor in 1 yrs time.

and her elective to columbia sounds awesomely exciting man. feeling the itch to do a us elective now!! zomg. $$$

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

green tea

to remember the good

1. got a spot in the room where a dude does research. he is so nice!! And knowledgeable and helpful
2. after finishing my stuff yesterday, went to holland v in search of meringue powder. I really want the set of animal cookie cutters. 18dollars and i can ice dinosaur coolies

3. W w w why so handsome and cool?! Im sure i shall burn thousands of calories in pondering this mystery of life.

4. This morning i woke up to find that my summer research will be published! Yay!! Actually i keep getting emails abt this but i think this is the real deal. Zomg. I just hope i gave the right name order so i can pubmed myself hehehe

5. Another holiday?! Soon. If ever i finish this..

Sunday, June 3, 2012

summer star

glorious slackery.

well as anyone who actually knows me knows, i dont go in for the traditional grape-soaked type of debauchery. oh trust me, there are plenty more roads to indulgence in this life :) or maybe, let's call it... happiness. my favourite word. when i was busy partaking of the salmons of doubt, did i ever think that i would experience such amazingly cool stuff?

probably not. in fact, it's really not even that cool at the actual moment of doing.

like standing in an OT watching people stitch, wondering if i should actually introduce myself to the surgeon or not or maybe i would be inconspicuous enough. or the number of times i have asked the surgeon at the end of the procedure what the entire surgery was aiming to do. but then again i'm so not the gunner surgery type, anyway...

... yes, clearly this is very glamorous & exciting & the coolest thing in the world.. the problem is the answer is YES, indeed it IS. the best thing ever ever to happen to me. i think the problem with me is that i'm always so caught up with gratitude that i dont have time to get all ambitious & plan out my career path or anything. and i think that's a perfectly ok state of affairs to be in. like when you constantly know how lucky you are just to have this day, be physically where you are, PLUS be happy PLUS have friends PLUS have macaron dreams PLUS to have grades that, while not astronomically good, still look acceptable....

I will boast of nothing but my God.

actually i wanted to talk about what a nice couple of days ive been having but it turned into a paean about medicine. as usual. hahaha. but anyway i guess both the hard work & the vacation from it are noteworthy :)

been spending my nights planning what yummystuff to make, but after a whole night of pipe(ing) dreams, i realised that the sugar confections i was looking at were WAAAY out of my range.

and read hunger games at kino. i swear i was prepared to buy it but it was so page-turning that i couldn't bring myself to wait til i got home to read it. after that i was so traumatised/ overwhelmed by the emotional weight and the philosophy of just wars that i wandered home in a trance.

i think its amazing how the rebels were just as organized and ... the similarities between them and the Capitol. how they didnt mind killing for their cause... but was that right, since the Capitol would have killed them without hesitation anyway.

the book was just perfect. and i think the love story complemented the dystopian/justwar stuff perfectly.

loved the last part the best when she says "peeta often asks me 'you love me, real or not real?' i say 'real'" but that's pretty sad. to be brainwashed to the point where you cant distinguish fact and fiction.

i just love holidays coz you get to do absolutely anything you want! hehe. loving this. you know this is the first holiday i have been truly happy cos usually all the angst that i have ignored piles up and then once the exams finish BAM i have to deal with alot of weird fallouts. and last may/june i was so extremely bored at home that i was chomping at the bit until i gave into the boredom and planned my italy trip (then of course it was brilliant fun emailing hotels, reading up on things to do, budgeting, i am SUCH a good travel organizer srsly wahah).

matcha brioche
now if only i could figure out where to procure green tea powder my life would be complete

actually think on monday the stress will come back again. but goodness knows i should enjoy my weekends guiltfree. last night i felt like i was walking back from the library at midnight, totally free as a cloud. guess i feel so free now cos i dont feel sorry to anyone for anything, and i dont wish for anything from anyone, and i'm not waiting on anything and i just want to say, thank you to the Universe :)