About Me

Thursday, August 30, 2012

faith

for some reason, we've been talking a lot about r/s reccently, maybe cos we all have more time now that this week is so lecture-heavy. there isn't any chance to rush off to see patients, with the only time for talking lunch, or stolen slacking time in the mo room

for me, personally, for this time period of my life & the people i currently hang out with, i've actually taken great pride in that i try not to talk too much about relationships, or angsty things, or things like that. partly because i've sort of been talked-out and emotioned-out by now after all these years, partly because i dont WANT to be even more distractible than i am to begin withl because i feel that friendships to be perfectly lasting should always have a barrier of pride & respect. hahaha i know they're going to say i do, but i only mention it in the context of distracting from the ever-present UNTRUE teasing. not becos i feel the need to unload my soul or anything, just in the context of relative truth!

(maybe ive just had some negative experiences in the past. it just really hurts to let someone know who you really are, your bad points and your good points, and then to finally lose that person. i'm no longer sad about that per se, but i think after that, i definitely put my foot down and decided never to get close enough to anyone ever again to ever let them actually know me me. unfortunately since i'm rather talkative & open about my life in general, i think i've rather failed in this measure LOL but also luckily i think that since i dont really interact with people as much and often now as i did then due to circumstances, i haven't really done the confidingthing in anyone as i used to do. WHICHISGOOD. keep it up yo. TMI is always bad)

but for the better or worse, it's been on my mind, maybe because of the extra discussion, maybe because of circumstances

and i've decided, contary to the title of this post, that maybe enough is enough.

that there comes a point when you dont really believe anymore

(maybe it's wrong to separate out belief since religion is not a buffet. cos i still believe in the plan for my future and working with kids but i dont really want to think about shinyheartsunicornsrainbows anymore.)

but sometimes, i guess, you just give up

sometimes life works in funny ways and people you care about with all your heart and soul do things that should make you crazyupset but it doesnt
and then someone random comes along and just breaks you

so i'm giving up

what are men to mountains, right
its not that anything is going to change drastically anyway, except a mindset

i guess i just really thought that God really will come through one day. i really believed that eventually it would work out, but sometimes it gets too tiring. the reason i still believe on the academic side of things is... it has ALWAYS worked out. this... has never ever worked out and i'm kind of fed up with my ever-optimistic belief.

sometimes you should just be pessimistic. heck it all. sometimes... the GLASS IS AN ILLUSION. the glass doesnt exist

transferance

the concept of transferance in psych is basically people being strongly reminded of people/ situations from the past when talking to the doctor/ or the patient, and transferring those emotions to the person in front of them. when i read that i was like... WHOA TELL ME ABOUT IT. i think i am definitely guilty of transferance in my daily life. it has both good things and bad things about it. the good is that, you remember happy stuff and it's all good, and bad is... i guess everyone is different and should be treated as such? lol. but just that it was so !! moment of recognition when i heard about it

in the context of the psych interview, i think it's a valuable lesson too. that when you're interviewing the patient you need to be careful not to project any emotions that might be incongruent/ inappropriate/ evoke a negative response in them. (cos that can be kinda a type of transferance too, when they pick up on your emotions.) clearly on my first time i did do all of the above LOL but it was a simulated patient, so not too bad.

and in the context of life, i guess that teaches me to a) be more careful (difficult!) and b) that personally i should not let transferance affect how i treat different people in my life.

something that occured to me (psych is really thought-provoking haha) is that even though upon first meeting people sometimes they remind me strongly of people i know, they often turned out to be really different. it isnt usually a negative thing cos usually it happens that it's someone i am close to or have v fond memories of, so when i meet the person its like a sudden burst of happiness and you feel instantly close to the person (or you want to become close to the person to sort of relive the fondmemories/ you believe that if you hang out with this person, the fond memories could be recreated/ you guess that their personalities must be similar thus promising a fun time ahead), but of course if there was ever anything to regret about the friendships then you would feel stressed about not repeating the mistakes... not that any of the above has ever happened, nope, who me? haha anywaY the funny thing is that in any of the deja vu instances i have chanced upon in my life thus far, the people all turned out to be really different in character from my first, transferance-infused impressions of them. not in a bad way, just... well being different people...

so that just drives home the point i guess. everyone is awesome in their own way :) and everything should kinda start off with a fresh sheet of paper. maybe thats why i like making notes on bright white new printer paper (kinda an expensive habit), rather than fullscap. lined paper makes me feel so thoroughly caged in, like someone is dictacting that i write in a straight line instead of doing exactly as i feel like (...paranoia?)

lol. we've spent much of today wondering if we all have psych disorders. we were studying in the library between lectures and my cg mate asked me suddenly "hey what was the name of darcy's friend in p&p? the unreliable one who ran off with lydia." me "...?" her "i think he has anti-social disorder" me "he was flirting with everyone!! i think he must be really sociable" her "the textbook says 'inappropriately sociable'!!"

another thing psych makes me think about is methods of coping with difficulties. one good thing about this posting is, i realise that i probably don't even come close to depression.  if i have one skill in this world, it is BOUNCING BACK FROM THINGS. yea like a trampoline. or maybe a swiss ball. no really. i have an exceptional ability to bounce back from the pits; to pick myself and start running again when i fall down, and unparalleled stamina to keep on running and never stop no matter how slow i'm going, and whether i am last, or first. both literally and metaphorically. so, quite grateful for that. good skill to have i think. and since i DO tend to be rather neurotic/ obsessive about things, i was wondering if i have generalized anxiety disorder, the answer is also no (based on DSM criteria), i think i'm just kiasu like all singaporeans. and as for obsessiveness, let's put it this way
me to my cg mates: hey guys do you think i have OCD by any chance?
everyone: WAHAHAHA

... clearly i need to be more obsessive about keeping my personal surroundings neat. with a personal mary poppins or something

anyway. today was great, i studied loads in between lectures, and had a chai latte. and we had a talk on neurology electives. i love love love neuro. except i really suck at the tendon tapping. and localizing lesions. and uh...

on the bright side, i'm really good at spot-diagnosing neurological diseases! actually, in general i'm great at spot diagnosing things at times when it doesnt matter at all (ie not during exams, but during random surgery clinics, where people are inclined to not care too much about your prowess for diagnosing neurological conditions, for instance..) so anyway i definitely feel called to this elective, and to neuro in general (but hopefully specifically paeds). the kind of thing where you feel happy just to go to the briefing.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

to the beautiful you


even if life is hard, don't give up

the skies will protect you
one more time, one more try
confidently look at the sky
please dont be shaken,
this is only the beginning
widen your shoulders
stand up and take my hand and get up again
- stand up from the to the beautiful you ost

happy song for a happy post!
emed is DONE AND DUSTED. love the post-eopt weekend as always, the one moment when you can totally CHILLAX. well actually i was running helterskelter from thing to thing. but anyway, the idea still stands. murder mystery dinner party at nic's place and cg pasta endeavour. i think i ran somewhere in between there, too. didn't quite make it all the way to the botanics (didn't even reach dempsey urgh must train!!) but it was great just to feel the blood pumping and the cars rushing past and sitting at a busstop, just me & my ipod

psych has started with lectures + practicals from 8-530pm. (i am beginning to realise this is a recurring theme in m4...but thanks to emed, i am actually relieved and feel like i've got it easy when they let us off at 530)  i actually find it really fascinating! i love the part in medicine when you come to understand better how the different specialties work rather than just hear "ok refer psych" at morning ward rounds. and i like how the mental state exam is like the psych version of the physical exam haha it's really cool.

happy shows i'm watching now
- faith with LEE MIN HO
- arang and the magistrate (gorgeous cinematography)
- to the beautiful you (well made fluffy rom com with lovely soundtrack)

Friday, August 24, 2012

anymore

we shall NOT talk about the test. let's just say, that it was suitably traumatic for an emergency medicine exam. anyway, just thanking God that i managed to study everything i wanted to before the exam actually started.

psych starts on monday! i'm... psyched!! haha it's just such a typical med school experience, really looking forward to it.


What you want is not me
I know this but I still held onto you
But that fool isn’t here anymore
Anymore oh oh oh anymore oh oh oh anymore oh oh oh

A day without you isn’t so bad
So I think it’s all for the best, you know
Even memories become wilted flowers in front of time
Like falling stars in the night sky, they lose the light
- seo in young - anymore

kpop has a way of singing the saddest lines in the chirpiest tones, complete with psychadelic-colored music videos filled with popart, videography, animations, and energiser bunny dancing

today isnt really the best day ever particularly, but i'm resolved to focus my energies on something more, something better. also because if i start running now, the momentum will be greater.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

what my heart tells me to do


dear God,
i know i really don't deserve this, so i'm not asking to top the class or anything tomorrow
just please let it be like all the clinical slides they keep teaching us, cos i can kinda answer those
and please let me learn some anesthesia between 11pm tonight and 1030am tomorrow, because i think they might actually test us on it for one and a half hours, so i'd better have something to write
and please let me finish studying, basically, so i can have peace of mind and not be a ball of nerves before the thing leading everyone to think i am bonkers (not that this doesnt always happen anyway...)
i really promise to study harder and earlier next time (dont i always...)
love, me.
SIAN +++++

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

feeling oddly contemplative on this summer evening

then again, it's always summer here. that's good, isn't it

caught up as always in the intersection between treasuring life and being so busy running about that i dont do the things i want to do. and by that i dont mean crossing the andes or whitewater rafting

simple things, the things everyone should do in life

why is it so difficult

and i dont mean blood taking, it is embarrassing in the moment when you have to quietly ask someone to help you, but im learning how to do it in a way that makes it sound like you have it Under Control. useful things to learn.

useful to know in life how to act like you've got it under control

does it matter, or not?
i can't really decide

i think what matters is that it IS. it was. to me, existance is something important, and valued. perfection, achievement, getting what is considered good by worldly standards, is really never the goal. the moment when i realised that not only do i not believe in myself, but others dont believe in me either. haha.

i think what is nice about these days is i dont feel like i'm walking on eggshells. it just feels like there is a waterbed between me and any rose thorns. i used to feel like i was crashing about life like a bull in a china shop, rashly doing things, not considering the consequences. it is true that i had more things to be stressed about, but also that with more power comes more responsibility. being responsible for your own life is great... if you happen to be a responsible person. so anyway everything is like small qrs complexes these days. it isnt a big deal. there is always a buffer

im not sure what i did to deserve that (save perhaps going through the bramble of roses and hoping that at the very least i would come out smelling of roses; i think i did), but i am definitely grateful for it. but im always striving to be a better person. to not descend into snarkiness or judgementalness or sarcasm when the going gets rough as i have realised i do. i dont even realise it until later. to be light and hope and sweetness even if i feel that my next few days are going to be painful and stress-filled. because how does it benefit anyone to be grumpy anyway. it just goes into this cycle. you should just nip it in the bud, and find enjoyment even in things you normally wouldnt

thinking about it,
what gives me the extra hope & belief is definitely God. without him, i am nothing. i used to take the bus home from rj, pondering my inadequacies that entire one hour bus ride home. soaking in the angst that was so poetically-fertile. in short, TEENAGE ANGST. to the extent that, whenever i came back home for summers, the heat immediately reminded me of the long angst filled hours. i don't ever do that now. i'm always planning for something more, some great scheme beyond my means, but ever just so slightly achievable. i'm always coming off something unbelievable, something that i know i could never have achieved by myself. such that these days, when i end at three pm, a time that is now considered early , i walk from the bus-stop just up the road, a quick bus ride from school, a pleasant journey with a bus filled with chattering school children. i soak up the sunshine and thank God for happiness

something i just remembered from the discernment, perhaps the most important thing

priorities
1. God
2. family
3. medicine

i agree
and so i conclude that the difference is God. i would probably be extremely angsty all the time if not for the hope; if not for the miracles that already occured, and extinguished all my doubts, time after time. 

and so i place my trust in him once again, for things big and small

for residency, for what He wants me to do with my life.
for that which, no matter what anyone says, i know He sent. i dont know WHY he sent it. but i just do. and perhaps the reason has already passed, or perhaps it hasnt, and perhaps i havent dealt with it perfectly (when do i ever), but just for the record
for the exam on friday. i cant get too psyched up about an exam every six weeks or i might go crazy. but i'll do my best, it always seems impossible, but with God's grace, i know it'll be okay.

sedation

started off my day with a strawberry banana oatmeal smoothie :) lovely way to kick off a day of mugging

mugging is actually enjoyable because im learning stuff and for anaesthesia particularly which i'm revisiting now, i downloaded some of the chapters of the online book they reccommended and its like having lightbulbs go on

for instance, for intraop hypertension, you think of
1. pain from surgical stimulus - give fentanyl/ remifentanil
2. light or insufficient anesthesia depth - deepen anesthesia with inhalational agent/ propofol
3. intraop awareness - give midazolam
4. baseline HTN/ patient did not take usual anti HTN meds
5. hypercarbia/ hypoxia/ hyperthermia etc
6. bladder distension
7. tourniquet pain [more for ortho]
8. if severe htn then give nitroglycerine/ nitroprusside/ hydralazine/ nicardipine
9. make sure blood pressure cuff is placed properly to prevent spurious measurements
10. hypervolaemia from fluids or blood products

it just makes so much SENSE. i wish id read that particular chapter before the attachment cos there are so many times that the bp went up and the anaesthetist just upped the fentanyl while discussing some other topic with me and i didnt really understand the thought process behind that mundane action.

so today i did
- lotsa anesthesia & emed qns
- pharmacology of anaesthetic drugs - so inhalationals, induction agents, sedatives, neuromuscular blocking agents, reversal agents, drugs for anticholinergic crises induced by that
- intra op problems

ahh that sounds like really little. ggxx....

anyway going to type up some emed notes, then 10th emed shift tomorrow! then mug, then on thurs go back to jgh for lecture


Monday, August 20, 2012

second night shift

so the past 24 hours were quite happening haha. had a night shift that wasn't overflowing with patients, but had presentations that i'd never seen before. and even if it wasn't always the pathology per se, at least it's the thought process that counts. so like approach to seizure, approach to hypertension, etc. and also the first OD case i've ever seen!

also met my tutor for the first time yay and revised during the downtime so it was alll good :)

came home and crashed for a grand total of TWO HOURS before i had to go off again, discernment forum was pretty good! i've pretty much settled on paeds, it's just WHERE. it's really such a big decision, but i guess i feel more equipped after today to pray more about it. and since people keep telling me to talk to the kk people before deciding anything, its really good that so many talks were given by kk people today. think im defo going to email the speakers to ask them more about how they made their decisions. and im defo going to try harder to arrange electives at kk so i can learn more about the working env there. i think making an informed decison is impt.

can't really remember specific points of advice since i was so extremely sleepy unfortunately, but i liked the toolbox thing. not something new but the way it was presented was good. like God gives us the tools and the aptitude for something, it's up to us to figure out what that something is. and that we will only be happy when we follow what is in God's plan. something one senior also shared was that sometimes we are scared to follow God's plan cos maybe we think he'll take something away from us or something, but we couldnt be more wrong. He will never give us a stone if we ask for bread; he will never give us something that will harm us.

on a slight tangent and possibily contradictory but i can see how it would co-exist/ how it just helps you to have perspective: it's not like you need mbbs/ residency to get into heaven, so dont lose sight of the end point. that part really struck me. sometimes i think i should just heck it all and try like crazy to get "what i want" but firstly even if i heck it all, human efforts alone arent enough. and secondly, what does it profit a man if he gains the world but loses his soul?

so in conclusion, i will try my best to arrange work-style experiences ie sip at both institutions. cos people keep telling me how work and study is really different. but ultimately the decision could swing either way last minute. honestly i dont think that i will be unhappy at either place. nuh may be more academicallystresssful in some ways but the sheer joy of the miracle of being in (yes, the major reason for still wanting it is that i still somehow hold on to the hope of a miracle) will definitely tide me over any potential stresses. and ivy+yoch are there which would be amazing if we were all on the same team haha. kk's caseload is apparently super alot... but i mean if you're doing something you love, then it isn't like going to work every day, is it? and i did have the epiphany about peds neuro there. sigh. actually my tendon tapping is really bad so perhaps i should consider something else. i mean aptitude anyone?!! 
and now i will uh... study intra-op monitoring. and the whole of anaesthesia. sobs. God please get me through this week successfully ><

Sunday, August 19, 2012

sighhh last minute night shift. and i so did not pre-sleep in advance. going to be SUPER duper sleepy.

 going for combat now. i ate a free starbucks muffin and lots of stolen fries from my friends during ecg lect yesterday to keep myself from falling asleep and thus headdesking. BAD. but it was yummy.
then i'm going to church
so im going to be even sleeper tonight than i already was going to be.

good times, cant wait.


their dancing is goood & the music is so addictive

Thursday, August 16, 2012

accountability

mugging for eopt day 1
- typed out dr z's head injury lect
- typed out the abdo pain lect
- finally sorted out the ecg for MI

things i've done in the past 2 weeks (sadly little)
- approach to chest pain
- acid base
- poisoning (but i dont rmb a thing...)
- bites (human/ snake/ cat/ dog) again i dont rmb any more than they taught in the clinical slides teaching. so... cat bites > dog bites cos puncture wound is deeper & harder to clean thus = INFECTION. and err pasturella is called yersinia. and human bites tend to get infected with eikenella corrodens

things to do
1. revise anaesthesia + past yr qns sighh
2. neuro emergencies
3. diabetic emergencies
4. approach to dizziness/ syncope
5. pain mx in ED
6. fever
7. approach to SOB
8. clinical slides
9. dr A's x ray lect today
10. finally learn all the weird facial injuries
11. fix all the ortho - ant/ post dislocations. they keep asking that it seems

ahhhh i have eight days more. i think ive been having too much fun on ed shifts & not holed up in a room memorizing. not that i think it's bad, i think it's decidedly better actually haha.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

your light will shine

inspirational pics of the day
 another free day. YAY! although the reason i am so sleepy today is coz i woke up early to go to church becos i thought i would have a night shift and thus i had to go to the morning mass instead of the evening mass... oh well. it's like the anti-catch22. it's good either way. lol.

i really like walking home in the sunshine. so maybe i should do emed since the shifts really would allow such an occurence in the future. then again, everything that involves calls technically allows you to go home at midday. TECHNICALLY.

:)

eopt is coming. scary shit. as usual im so unprepared it really isnt funny. i havent really been studying crazily, even though i've not been slacking off either per se.  think most of the time goes to practical knowledge on shift or lectures. i like the way emed doctors lecture. they're really fast and practical and zoom through it but yet manage to impart lots of useful information. something i learnt from this rotation even if i dont pursue the career is how to look at something and quickly categorize it and rule in/ rule out stuff. how to quickly interpret lab tests. its the same thing as int med if you think about it - ecgs, acid base, but you need to interpret it ASAP. which is a useful skill whatever you're doing.

thurs - run, combined teaching, electives briefing, go to jgh for shift (?!!) extra shift leh should i or not...
fri - lecture from noon to 330

must really mug seriously for eopt but i dont really know where to start....

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

supersonic

came home and crashed yesterday. woke up at midnight and mugged abdo trauma from the black book. this is really the most exhausting rotation ever. and also the coolest BY FAR. it's really everything one expects medicine to be. ive seen lots of jaded intmed people, and i understand why. it just feels so futile sometimes. but in emed, it really truly seems like you are making a difference, diagnosing things no-one else diagnoses but you, putting the puzzle pieces together. and not just for an intellectual mental puzzle on a rainy day, but to really help people, in that moment. people always say that medicine is not like in the dramas, but i think emed really is.

another thing is that despite the highstakes and fast pace, the people are some of the nicest i'd ever met. ive been conditioned since even before entering medschool to expect that doctors are overworked and stressed and that the more senior they get the more scary & intimidating they are. but emed doctors, at least the ones i've met, are all really high-energy, fun, enthusiastic people. you can tell they are people who live life to the fullest, every drop of it. well actually maybe they just do shift after shift and go home and sleep, i wouldnt know. but they certainly seem like the coolest type of doctors ever. surgery seems cool from the dramas and all but gen surg is lots of er lap choles, and surgeons always seem so grumpy as a status quo.

the other day i did a urinary catheterization & had my first resus case. both were rather traumatizing experiences. but they turned out fine. well kinda. our shift ended and we had to go off for a lecture so dont know how the resus case ended. i sincerely hope it was okay in the end. whatever okay means. sighh.

today is my free day and i plan to mug
1) head trauma
2) bites

lol what a combination. then maybe try out zumba. fun stuff.

wed - church in am, then lectures in the cabin, then maybe go over to jgh for the 4-11 shift (?!)
3-4 shifts left!!

funny stuff - my friend accidentally dropped her hp in the bag of the PATIENT'S BELONGINGS hahaha. we were talking to this uncle & suddenly she started looking everywhere for the phone. so we called it and the plastic bag of belongings started buzzing. so we had to untie the bag and fish around to get it pwahaha malu ++

oh then we were having lecture
dr M "how would you treat this patient?"
friend "i would... summon the forces!"
dr M *blows trumpets, makes a horse-riding gesture* "you called?"

HAHAHA he really did blow trumpets and pretend to ride a horse. omg epic

Sunday, August 12, 2012

tumblr


emed so exciting

getting better at taking bloods (i think) haha

had nonstop shifts for the past few days excepting nat'l day... and on fri sat sun and now monday as well... to replace the tues shift that was changed last minute. thankfully i have tuesday off plus it's a night shift! what shall i do with my lovely free day. probably i should study for eopt but something tells me i am going to BUM. that is bad

anyway we saw lots of exciting stuff today particularly towards the end ~355pm as we were just leaving lol. one of the things i love about emed is that you get one symptom but it could be a totally different system but the presenting complaint is another system's manifestaton of the underlying condition. and it's up to you to do hx pe and inx and put together everything to write the coherent story and summarize it before contacting the gen med people in the wards. ie, its what we're being taught to do. it's just so exciting somehow to be the first one putting all the pieces of the puzzle together rather than reading what someone else has figured out

saw a chest tube insertion the other day too

the tutor today was really awesome. he's not only a great teacher, he's a great doctor and really genuinely fascinated by medicine and all the possible things that each presenting complaint could actually turn out to be. in fact today he told us "ooh, let's do syncope. that's my favourite topic!" i've totally never heard anyone say that! most people are like "argh syncope... the typical general medicine nonspecific complaint". really shows something about his intellectual joy and love for medicine i feel. PLUS when i heard about him before i thought he was like some distinguished old prof but omg he's like a really young enthusiastic energetic emergency doctor, exactly like you would imagine an emergency doc to be! he's one of the tutors that really fit the criteria of inspiring doctors & teachers, along with people like dr c and dr r from ttsh, plus of cos the neuro prof there, plus our cardio tutor... okay most of the inspiring tutors are from ttsh haha. and maybe our polyclinic tutor haha. the kind of people that make your eyes go wide at how they successfully integrate medical knowledge with the doctoring side of it all, the kind of thing everyone imagines they can easily juggle before entering med sch then they enter and they realize that managing their own life is kind of a feat in itself. or maybe just staying awake is a feat in itself.

anyway, i should sleep now, have to get to my shift before 8am tomorrow. sighs. hoping i can successfully do all my plug setting tomorrow

~
i havent wanted something like this for the longest time now
i have not fully believed, for a long time
thank you. for allowing me to believe, if even just for a day
if even just for an hour
somehow I know, that this is good and that this is from God.
beyond belief

the message from our daily bread a few days ago (i kinda lose track of time these days) was doubt your doubts and believe your beliefs. i think the passage was about doubting thomas

and really it all fits in perfectly. the time frame, the things i discussed afterward
the belief in God and how can i possibly not believe (in general) even after all that has transpired
there is a baseline amount of belief which sometimes i am not even sure i hit
but i am REQUIRED to have trust beyond and above that, as a consequence of all the miracles that has happened to me

that's really difficult.
and not just that, living the Christian life and being close to God so i can know his good and perfect will. easier said than done. or i can say i'm doing it everyday all i like but if i arent then... there's no point.

it's so difficult to be a good person 24/7. in the face of everyday things.
just pray, not for the magic sparkling sparklers, but to be a good person
to withstand temptations. to uphold the commandments (harder than you think. like just thou shalt not covet is hard x1000)
to not get annoyed with people AND not to annoy people (not that ive annoyed anyone for years. i think. lol)
to do things that are right even if i dont feel like it
to do the things i have to do
was discussing with someone the other day, is it unethical if you dont try your best to get good grades/ if you dont get good grades, when in med sch
i guess if you dont try, its probably not so great. but we cant see the consequences now right. i mean just try your best. if it isnt good enough.... i guess what i would say is people's lives are in your hands, so then you just should try harder until you get it. but then again ive always been someone who goes to excesses, over & above, so dont take my word for it. and then again i think people need time to chillax. cant be robots mugging approaches all day and night. so the definition of TRY is difficult. but if you know you arent trying and cant be arsed, i guess thats definitely bad.

so i should study harder
and run more
and be sweet as saccharine
bleh
goodnight

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE when i came home from my shift today i was super tired (what's new...). new resolution: find energy from renewable resources. like COFFEE. oh and the jgh a&e coffee machine makes v nice mocha. except i asked my friend "eh s how does this work"*presses button WITHOUT A CUP IN* wahaha which horrified him completely i was wondering why he dashed over so fast but anyway it was fine the machine didnt die and the mocha was yum. so anyway i crashed and then i woke up and did the jillianmichaels shred. SO EFFICIENT endophins happy now

Saturday, August 11, 2012

peace love and ice-cream


some really happifying stuff happened the other day, i can't deny, haha.
and now, i suddenly realised that God always provides. always
and if it all had to happen from day one just for me to have that realization, then that is justification enough for me
that's actually a very important realization
that He is always there with you
when your team wins, when your team loses
when the bicycle goes down again
when you scale mountains higher than you ever imagined (that part isnt in the song. haha)
that even the slightest scrape will be immediately healed with salve
that consolation
is always immediate, often prophylactic, and in measures a thousand times greater than the perceived bruise could ever be

knowing all this, somehow makes me feel free
i did feel a little burdened before this, not knowing how i should approach this random goodness
approach to sudden onslaught of happiness
totally unwarranted
unable to predict when it will next come
any complications
it made me think
that maybe there will be no complications
whatever that means, haha
it somehow gives it all such a golden, happy tinge
something given freely by God
something that is from God
is so priceless

feeling happy on this day
is so freaking random
but such a gift
was having a conversation with a friend, which this tumblr pic exemplifies.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

possibilities

i've been thinking back and forth about everything and ive decided this

actually not sure what i decided but

whatever happens, it happens for a reason. number one thing i always believe. but it isnt always so easy to believe that which is why i keep needing to repeat it to myself

there are some things i cant deny, and there are some things i am confused about. but whatever it is, i know everything's gonna be okay. not that it isnt okay now. its a nice chillax public holiday and i am just embarking on the revision aurgh six weeks is so short we've barely started and the mugging commences. anyway emed is such a wide specialty honestly i have great difficulty knowing even where to start?!

so i guess, not much time for confusion. let it just be down for the record, that i was confused.

not sure if that means anything to anybody

and that maybe if there is no conclusion then that means it isnt a book that is meant to be open

i dont own any crystal balls and i have no idea what was meant to be. all i know is i want the anti-thesis of whatever went before, becos if you keep going down one route and falling off mountains then obviously you know something's wrong with that route; you learn from history. but then again, everything is so tied up and connected and who's to say stuff you did wrong in the past wont affect things in the future. you HOPE it wont but that doesnt mean it won't right?

anyway so my conclusion is that this is a season that i have to focus on certain things. even that is difficult enough becos i dont actually know what to focus on

i guess i have to stop thinking and just do. if i just do really well then doors will open, and i can decide later which paths i want to take. no point sitting here and thinking like crazy of what to do, if it never materializes

possibilities are immense. i just have to Trust, easier said than done. i just have to DO. again, easier said than done

plan
thursday - study trauma (general, head, UL/ LL/ pelvis...)  look through some slides, finish poisoning notes
friday - shift 8-4pm at jgh
saturday - shift 8-4, ecg lectures
sunday - 8-4 shift at jgh, then church, then RUN ++

Monday, August 6, 2012

destiny

emed = night shift and lectures all day = VERY VERY SLEEPY

okay not to belabor the point since ive been whining about it for the past 48 hrs haha. but it's been really enjoyable as well :) today everyone was rather off and slightly insane due to the lack of sleep haha it was rather amusing

i need to be better at blood-taking/ plug fullstop. its just different slowly doing it in the OT with a chillax anaesthetist talking you through it and doing it by yourself in the busy fastpaced ed with lots of people looking at you sigH okay i know i need to JUST DO IT. im actually usually good at blocking out thoughts of notgettingthevein etc and just doing it because of overcompensation. but apparently yesterday my hand was shaking so badly when setting the plug that h ran away LOL btw i succeeded in the end okay. sighhhhh it will get better.

anyway we spent the whole of the next day falling asleep in lectures which was rather painful. luckily today we have an off-day unexpectedly due to shift clashes which means SLEEP and COMBAT, my two favourite things!!

went to a friend's house for dinner the other day which was really reminiscent of pccf!! haha. didnt really go for the purpose of achieving enlightenment lol but something i took away from it is that sometimes it's about doing what God has called you to do even if it's difficult. i talk a lot about knowing what you're meant to be doing but the truth is that sometimes deep down it's really obvious what you're supposed to be doing. but it seems too difficult to surmount all the obstacles between where you are now and where that is. it seems like it'll take too much effort to become a better person, to put in all that and maybe not to get anything, so you take the easy way out and opt for a cushier option. that isnt the way it's meant to be. sometimes he pushes you towards something cos he wants to mould you a certain way.

if a few supposed mountains put you off, then you'll never learn what you were meant to, cos you ran away

Saturday, August 4, 2012

letting go of what time has brought

come here, stand up here, i'm already a hologram
i guess im still far from being an adult, right
the many regrets that are washing over me
its not over (its not over)
i tried to be perfect each time

- come with me (brown eyed girls)

exhausted.... although i think the people who did night shift last night and THEN had bcls 8-4pm and THEN had ecg lecture til 9ish would prolly be the most exhausted. haha. last night i stayed up thinking about some stuff, and as a result, was EXTRMELY SLEEPY with no good excuse.

on the bright side, learnt more about Life. to sum it up: immaturity in past, duly ashamed. also, reading past conversations shines a light on friendships ive had. sometimes in the moment you just wanna believe the best of people, but on some hindsight, its obvious who really was thinking GET ME OUTTA HERE, and who genuinely is being kind & understanding, and is clearly on your wavelength, even in unexpected situations

TODAY: was quite nice actually. we learnt DEFIB which is so grays anatomy. who says med school cant live up to hype sometimes eh. okay the cpr test was a little....long cos we needed to hit all the criteria like chest compressions more than 5cm, good relaxation on each compression etc but i cleared it on the first try! yays.
and lunch was provided which is always good for obvious reasons. plus coz people were kinda eating with their cpr small groups i got to talk to people i dont usually hang out with which is nice :) also the people from my anaesthesia cg still like wave hello and catch up with me on stuffs so its really nice!!  i mean they can totally just ignore me once the common posting ends to be honest.  really like the occasions when i get the chance to know more people better, and by know not just hi-bye but actual talking.

thoughts on what i wanna be when i grow up: WHO AM I KIDDING. i dont think i could ever not just try. even if i did end up in ______ and the life is tough and the professors demanding and scary and blablah... i would NEVER regret it. if i got cold feet didnt apply, i would always wonder if the miracle would have happened.

all i know is this: if i get into _____ in ___, it will be a miracle. it will definitely be by God's grace and mercy, and it will mean that indeed i have heard right

here I am Lord
is it I, Lord?
i will go, Lord, if you lead me
i will hold your people in my heart

Thursday, August 2, 2012

pureadrenaline

had my first emed shift yesterday, and today had lectures from 10am all the way to around 9pm. warghhh. emed shift was v exciting i must say. why is emed and anaesthesia competing with paeds for a place in my heart?! it makes residency decisions so much more difficult cos i dont think i can do projects in all? or even electives in all?! so how can i ever choose/ make myself *competitive* enough for any or all. zzzz

okay what i liked about emed is that it is v fast paced, and you get to see things really instantaneously, like for SVT you give adenosine and the patient improves right away which is really nice!!! obviously, haha. and its not like anesthesia where you have stretches of boredom and moments of terror, as many anaesthetists have continuously told us. it's like turning chaos and confusion into controlled calm, which is like the antithesis of entropy. i can't claim to be the opposite of entropy particularly, but anything limiting it, i'm for that

and in the well, one shift i have done, the a&e doctors all seem really very nice and jovial and friendly. or maybe it was just those in that particular shift. but it really did leave a very positive impression on me. they dont seem jaded like some int med doctors, dragging themselves thru the day or staring at a low hb for hours, instead, they have intellectual discussions so animatedly it seems like they're discussing politics at a dinner table, and the results of these discussions make such a huge difference. for me, i really felt that the significance of their day to day work makes such a huge, visible impact, and has so much import. and that is so much more satisfying than eternally going round and round a ward until lunchtime? okay, guess im not too much of an int med person. haha. just to clarify, kids are so cute that i have no problems rounding in a peds ward until nighttime if it may be, i'd just feel so blessed and honored to be able to do that i dont care how long i spend doing it.

and i like wearing scrubs, and for a long time now i have wished i could be dropped off outside that particular emergency department to go for a shift and MY WISH HAS BEEN GRANTED

but what i loved most about the whole thing, is the contact the a&e doctor has with the relatives cos they need to go update them. i guess i just didnt see much communication between the relatives and the doctors in the gen med/ surg wards, but in a&e the dr has to go really fast to update the people waiting outside, so i saw lots of it. i just think its really important and its something that holds a place in my heart. and i really think its great that the doctor i was attached to spent such a long time explaining things and the way he explained it too. and that they take the effort to go and update the people who must have been waiting. i can't put what i want to say into words. but lets just say, it struck a chord within me, and i thought that that family-dr contact, which i havent been exposed to much in other settings before, was really good. ok. so not adequate. but it'll have to suffice for an explaination

okay. i must sleep now. I WILL RUN TOMORROW YES. this weekend is crazy but i kinda get tmr off a little bit so here is teh plan
friday
8-9 run
9-10 consume the bananas before they go bad and hope i dont get hyperkalaemia
10-11 somehow get myself to school
11-12 lecture on the hand
12-2 ish maybe sort out some research thingssss???
then come back and BUM. no actually sigh i think i should study. and mug bcls stuff + print my cv

saturday
8-4 Basic Cardiac Life Support course + hopefully go for the residency fair?!!
4-7 ecg course part 2

sunday
morning probably combat
sleep
night shift 11pm to 8am next day (!!)
ELECTIVES OPENS, SIGN UP FOR IT **

monday
8am - off shift
8-1pm emed lectures *anticipate extreme sleepiness at this juncture...*
go home and SLEEP
7ish hopefully edin meetup at ks's place PLEASE HAVE IT ON MONDAY FOLKS altho i dont think he or ivy reads this unforch...
if not er i suppose i will sleep more lols nvm that sounds nice. sleep

tuesday
9am-430 pm more emed lectures at tower block
4-10 pm shift

wednesday
ambulance attachment

thurs = free day YAY maybe i can do research on this day?

friday - first jgh shift 4-11

okay i feel sleepy just thinking about this. i guess i'll just go sleep. hoping for a nice 8k run tomorrow, haven't knocked one out in ages. i think it'll be really torturous, the first run in a long while always is

but anyway happy :) emed + being busy during medicine + pizza during ecg lectures = happinessss. i am so easily bought arent i