About Me

Sunday, September 30, 2012

feeling

it was totally a transcendental experience. best three hours i could have spent this weekend

i love you bigbang!! :):)

it was priceless to have the experience of seeing them live at least once in my lifetime. it's so so different looking at videos through my computer screen on youtube, and knowing that they're just like ten meters away. the feeling when the lights went down; when seungri said "i'm so happy right now"; when everyone cheered for seungri. priceless. seeing taeyang's dancing for real; that guy is SUCH a phenomenal dancer. actually who am i kidding, just seeing taeyang at all! my favourite person in the entire galaxy!

its something that i've always wanted to do :) to cheer for reals instead of through a computer screen where they wont be able to know how much i heart them, and how much enjoyment their music gives me. the only thing i didnt manage to do is personally find taeyang and thank him for being so awesome (and handsome hahaha) and make him cupcakes. but i dont think that's going to happen, so going to the concert is the best i can do.

haha it's so obvious i have a bias for taeyang and seungri. duh. so handsome. who wouldn't. ;p

dearest bigbang,
all the stuff that's happened, forget about all the silly stuff. what matters is the great music you guys make, the awesome live energy when you guys are on stage. i'm so glad to give back in some way for all the happiness that you guys have given me through your music, music videos, and crazy antics, by being able to act like a crazy fangirl for one time in my life.

party like our time's up
dont stop this feeling
it can't get any better than this

feel this familiar deep night, wherever you are
you shine more than the neon signs

you guys are still alive, no mistake about it.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

blue tomorrow


sitting in a shop on the end of the road,
alone, i order a cup of yearning
our smiling faces before dawn
will have become a yellowed picture
by my side, loneliness is spreading,
my sight is being blurred by tears

by tomorrow, ill wish upon a shooting star alone
like a movie that has reached its ending
whose prophecy has our ending fulfilled?
promises are broken all over the floor,
yesterday cant be put back together
but im still waiting for a miracle to happen
yet your silhouette moves further and further away

for a split second,
it feels as if you're right in front me
without u life goes into hibernation,
loneliness will occupy every day
im standing under the streetlight
on the cold and lonely street

~
lyrics i found on my hard drive; i cant remember the name of the song anymore nor who sang it

i wanna fly again
& i'm dreaming again

life just Is, as always.



Friday, September 28, 2012

how nice would it be

lovin the new lunafly album!

morning: clerked patients in the addiction ward (!!) rather unique experience of med sch i must say. they were really nice people too.

afternoon: addiction tutorials, then went back to nuh for the last tutorial with our tutor

this weekend i must study... EVERYTHING.
sighs okay specifically MUST cover
- sleep
- eating disorders
- personality disorders
- conversion/ dissociation disorders

must also do some practice osce stations!

one week more, why are there so many exams in m4... on the bright side i got in touch with the peds neuro tutor YAY! so now just have to submit the proposal to the portal (bane of my life). i feel so tempted to do a research project, but i dont just want to do a research elective since i really want to see the range of cases!! but peds neuro research project... plus i know what this tutor's research interest is and i am interested +++

destiny

thinking about everything today

something i realised reccently is i am ridiculously judgemental. like honestly what right do i have to mentally comment on if people are zai/ not zai/ mugger/ dont study enough. seriously its SO ridiculous. plus honestly i am so not zai and i so do not study enough. or even if i do, i still dont know enough. just cos the world prizes these things doesnt mean i must too [but i can't help it..] please dont judge me for revealing that i am judgemental. it's just something that has come to my mind lately. maybe if i write it here, i can CBT myself better about it

another thing is i am obsessed with ____. but FOR GOOD REASON. sigh. really wish God would deliver me from it sometimes. yeah we all need our crosses, but... really? so many crosses?

another thing is that something i have realized these days is i am changing the automatic script my mind runs. anytime it threatens to run the same course of history in any way, i always catch myself, and change it for the better. so i must remember that

okay do i sound a bit angsty hahah i guess i am.

in other news i will never finish studying for eopt, i have not run enough for the longest time, etc etc... the longest list of could've should've would've. the thing is i have not been slacking off nor have i been only doing practical stuff & not doing exam-focused stuff [cough emed], i just feel like the engines keep on running but somehow it's not enough its never enough

why can't i be enough

apparently a chronic feeling of emptiness is classic of borderline personality disorder... uh-oh... but then i dont really fit the dsm-iv criteria. although i guess i would love to hear that i am unique and special too but thhat's anecdotal not really dsm criteria. who wouldn't.

i am going to be so sleepy tomorrow and here i am thinking about life. one of the casenotes for someone the other day read 'is rather psueudophilosophical' is that a real psych term or some kinda adjectival description. well uhoh that describes me too.

i still do think everything is going to be 'okay' although im not too sure what okay consists of. happy fluffy clouds of meringue. is happiness boring? no not really. i do enjoy being "philosophically angsty" but it can get rather in the way of... life sometimes. i feel like that right now. i feel like all of life is a gigantic math problem i cant deal with. how to study run talk to people. how to smile how to laugh how to be human and not a doormat. i just can't solve it and how funny that just some time ago it all felt so solvable. i guess this is mild depression brought on by... psych.

today we had some lectures on child psych sleep disorders it was quite cute. sleepy little children hahah.

i'm not sure at all tomorrow's going to be any better. i keep waiting for something to come [literally, i am waiting for something] and being on tenterhooks just feels so funny. ok i shall just shutup and sleep. but i liked the latte today from starbucks.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

espresso

yesterday had a pretty good clinic in which we saw schizophrenia, somatization, OCD, conversion disorder etc. and today had a really nice tutorial with our tutor [who did come back after all!] and who marked our bedside presentations.

somehow the cases were really normal bread and butter but as we talked to the patients, their stories and backgrounds were so interesting and really helped us to understand them and all the predisposing/ precipitating/ perpetuating factors. [i'm sounding cliche here cos obviously i can't go into details]. it was fascinating. but even more than that, the more i talked to the patient this morning, the more i liked the patient as a person.

as in you just have this thought going through your mind "this person is really such a good person. he/she is trying his best to live his/her life but circumstances are so urgH and people around him/her are so not helping". then the tutorial was not just the usual boring presentation but it was actually a v interesting discussion! and our tutor kept proffering us chips and when we left actually asked us to take the chips away with us haha

now listening to TVXQ's new album! :):) happy.

i draw your face in the strange sky outside the window

Sunday, September 23, 2012

electives

changed my electives yet again, no idea why i'm so obssessed with that portal. it's like looking into your future with a crystal ball; endless shining possibilities all arrayed around a christmas tree

if i just wanted to heck it all and do the craziest awesomest things that i still can do as a med student, i would do cardiovascular surg and neurosurg haha. but if i'm thinking about the FUTURE... this is what i would and did choose [pending closure of the current round]

1 month of child psych
3 weeks of paeds internship
2 weeks of anaesthesia
1 month of O&G [going out on a limb here since i havent done the posting yet, but i just can't shake the niggling thoughts that i should give it a go]

at least it's quite varied! not just so that i don't look too obsessed with paeds, but also because i want to explore everything and rule in/ rule out in a more informed way. if i'm meant to be in paeds, i'll get in anyway, exploring more doesnt change anything. plus, if i had stayed in edin, i only get like 2 months of electives so i'll just count the extra months as icing on the cake, no need to stress too much about it :)

but i did email a tutor about a self-arranged thing, and there is the neuro elective which we have to ballot for, so not set in stone. i feel really happy about the choices i've just made though. kind of like what i was searching for; that feeling of looking for something has been assuaged. i guess i made the right choices. although it could be that i just ate a cookie so im happier... haha

i did not write it

i really need to read more poetry. living in a world of song lyrics in a different language cant be that great for literary creativity.

bus rides always disorientate me, especially when i fall asleep. this is a problem i've always had. it's kinda like reading books at airport terminals. i get sucked into the fantasy world, i look up and for a moment i literally don't know where in the world i am and where i'm going. i really liked travelling by myself when i used to, it's like thinking time x 100 (not saying that my thoughts are very philosophical but). i suppose it woulda been better if i wasn't extremely paranoid all the time about my belongings and safety. typical kiasuism there you go. but i still liked it. that feeling of time stopping, of being in transit, fragile, this side up.

yesterday, just had this feeling again that i was searching for something but i dont know what. i'm not sure if it's because there are things in the past i never dealt with but swept under the carpet cos i thought then that if i tried to deal with it, i would probably implode, or maybe it's just random existential angst, or what. im not actively angsty though, life is ok if a bit busy, nothing i can't handle with my obsessive planning, determination etc etc. studying psych as ive said many times really does give you a look into your own psyche as well as that of others. mugging the defense mechanisms part for mcqs really undid me; not sure if its a wise choice to know all that, i mean it kinda has a placebo effect right so if i know im doing that then maybe it wont work anymore!? lol. but then its good in the sense you know what's a maladaptive mechanism and what isnt. like suppression/ repression isnt really that great. (one is adaptive, one is maladaptive, i forgot which is which). like maybe if i just gave myself a few days to angst about whatever then i'd just forget it forever. but then like i said a few days ago, i strongly suspect that i dont want anything to strongly feel about these days, so i keep my life now really simple and without any drama (yea sometimes drama comes that is uncalled for but inasmuch as it is possible to not invite drama i try haha), so it's safe to go back to drama-filled days and feel sad about them.

it's like a controlled environment cos its all in the past and i cant change anything/ make it better or mess it up worse/ nothing i think will influence anything so its all really safe. i can just sigh and wish i did better as a human being/ regret and nostalgically think that things coulda shoulda woulda be better. maybe this is kinda a maladaptive thing too. LOL

anyway like i said, none of this has any bearing on the present. maybe i'm having some dissociation/ depersonalization/ derealization. when things just stop feeling real.

also i think i have an addiction to being close to people. like history never stops repeating itself. like we always actively seek out things that are the same even if it didnt turn out good. that is def true. but its also true that circumstances are luckily for me different and also i do try really hard to prevent myself from living out my cliches again. but definitely i do seek out the same things every time. like it just feels like an empty space if i dont have that, im not sure why. i should have spent my teenage years seeking out academic achievements lol then the subsequent "same things we keep returning to" would all be nerdy good things

i used to think that whatever i have is not enough. now, i always seem to feel overflowing with gratitude, like it's too good. that's good isnt it, haha.

the conclusion of all this is that i feel like going out and buying lots of stuff. omg manic shopping spree?!

touch the sky

managed to finish like 1/2 of child psych while watching my newest drama crack: Nice Guy. YAY.

next week is going to be craaazy what with going back to NUH THREE TIMES for revision/ tutorials, and having to do TWO bedside presentations to goodness knows who and one more mini-cex sighs but right now i feel really happy for some unknown reason haha. maybe it's cos i've had an awesomely lazy sleeping-in weekend :) hot yoga yesterday was nice too! i was entertained by the two really muscled guys next to me who kept imbalancing and falling over in poses and saying "crap!" and "shit!" pwahaha.

two more weeks and hopefully i'll survive this, then O&G!! can't wait so excited. also the BIG BANG CONCERT is coming up. yea not too wise of me to buy tix to a concert the weekend before eopt. oops. i guess i thought psych would be really chillax...

and on tues i think we are going for child psych rounds? LOVE. im aiming to clerk 1 addiction case and 1 child psych case for presentations.

just keep on running

Saturday, September 22, 2012

answer me 1997

waiting for the time that i have enough free time to finish watching this. promises to be eight hours of pure bliss

yesterday was a rather stressful day due to many reasons, but i managed to see 2 interesting cases at the psych a&e. anyway, it's not really anyone's fault our tutor is on leave, unless you count my extremely great luck with tutors. like remember how BOTH my ortho tutors were in mauritius and i called the trauma surgeon when he was in TRANSIT hence he rejected my call? anyway the ortho trauma guy is super duper nice, so it kinda made up for that lol. plus his HO was lovely and was teaching me about OA at 11pm on night call. and he did buy us all delifrance coffee + crossaints when he eventually came back [us = me and his HO and MO]. the funny and nice thing is that, we actually had a pretty good tutorial with our tutor after coming back.

also i did really well for case write-up (8.5/10), which considering his high standards and everything we went through for this write up, makes me feel that i EARNED IT. although he didn't know it was not counted. (something we well knew) ah well. the one time i actually do well for a writeup it isn't counted, bummer. but at least i feel happy bout it. haha

and we even did a practice osce, and then there was CHOCOLATE CAKE. and cheesecake. and MUDPIE. zomg i'm so happy right now just thinking about it. i LOVE LOVE LOVE chocolate mudpies and the one yesterday was so supper yummy *GLEE* okay i think the highness hasnt really subsided.

anyway apart from that glad we managed to pull off the birthday thing for our cg mate. good job guys!! literally a sweet ending to the week.

aims for this weekend
1. CHILD PYSCH
2. study addiction

Thursday, September 20, 2012

a day that feels like a year is passing

im holding back the tears i've barely kept inside
i still can't even feel the pain
i just hoped that this nightmare would pass
in front of me isnt the soft and warm person i used to know
but a stranger is looking at me

the wind is blowing again
a farewell is coming to me
i'm not even ready but it looks like it's going to rain
goodbye,
the last words, goodbye

it hurts
when i've been holding it in for only a day
it hurts so much that i dont even know where it hurts
traces of you still remain
the tears of memories are washing over me

kang min kyung - farewell is coming

i've probably posted this before, but perfect for this slightly chilly night, doing revision questions. bartering a few more pieces of information for sleep & sanity

today it occured to me that sometimes you mythologize someone, and years afterwards you realise just how much of it was you looking at it through the lens of a perfect mythology. how awesome the person is. but of course sometimes the person really is awesome [what can i say, i have good taste hahaha]. but sometimes they arent either. and then it becomes that the mythology is shattered/ so extremely distorted. not that it matters per se how good your delusions are, just that it's silly to spend time on delusions that aren't worth it. technically i guess it's an illusion if you really want to argue semantics, i'm not under the belief that aliens are going to anything.

and maybe sometimes, i turn to this mythology in moments of space, because i want to feel something. it's numbing myself from the feeling of being numb, not from any pain, not that i want any and not that there's anything wrong with not feeling anything... it's probably wrong/ unwise in some way that i cant comphrehend. because people are more than a cache of memories in an uncleared history. but if you dont even have the cache of memories; if you just hit empty recycle bin, then you wont have even one bit of them, not a happy memory, not a sad one, its just as if they never existed.

maybe it isnt so wrong to feel after all. what's wrong with being moved by music & lyrics. i wouldnt be able to function without music, if it didn't move me in some way and wasn't effective, it would be like occupational & social functioning haha.

not sure, just thoughts that are going through my head

no one said everything had to make sense or have a use. i hate people who judge really. i guess you could say i judge people who judge others. haha

maybe we

hi world
am supposed to be doing revision for tomorrow's tutorial but i have -1 hour to do it. so oh well. sleep is important.

today randomly at around 9pm i just felt really happy for no reason LOL so tracing back, i think it's the latte i drank during the break in the child psych tutorial this morning. coffee is goood

i dont think child psych is for me though, it was really difficult to stay awake this morning

part of why i suddenly feel so happy is i feel so accomplished. not in terms of achievements but just in small things that i've managed to do this week. also cereal. i read somewhere once that cereal has serotonin so it makes you happy. i wonder if you eat too much do you get serotonin syndrome?

just contacted someone, putting it all in God's hands for electives.

it's not about the initial rush to get stuff since the one important thing is already settled. it's just that this is something for which the fireworks goes off. i would really really love to work with this doctor and i admire him a lot. i read his interview in the section of the papers which they interview doctors and it was like walking through the neuro ward in sick kids behind our gruff-looking tutor all over again. the fireworks kept exploding in my head. i actually stuck the interview up on my door haha. i want to be that when i grow up. i know it's a silly & impossible dream, but yet i also know that all my silly & impossible dreams are now reality for me. so anyway, technically i have everything already settled, but if i could follow him around for two weeks even and see the variety of cases and try and discern further in a ward environment where God wants me to go, it would be really lovely.

that said, contacting tutors always scares me for some reason, so i'm just gonna be chillax about this.

 also the schedule for my electives is getting confusing with all the options. i was wanting to wait on anesthesia but then if i wait too long i sound really unenthused, which is not true, i do like it and i very much want to do an elective to know more about it! plus intubations and LMAs are exceedingly useful skillzz. and also i want to do an O&G internship so as to rule it out since i feel called to o&g to some extent too... but the timing really doesn't work out for o&g. plus the adult neuro elective results will be out in like... OCTOBER. lol

i would say wake me up when september ends but guess that's kinda cliche. also, i need to mug for psych eopt which is on oct 5th so i kinda need to be awake for that.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

down a tree-lined street

today i saw you.

it made me think of climbing mountains in the gathering darkness, being convinced i would fall. off somewhere by the side, you carelessly assured me i wouldnt. i told myself, i would never climb a mountain again. i wondered, why i tried when i knew i was scared of heights. i wondered, what made me overcome the fear of high things, of barking dogs. the fear of having the tufts of grass and dirt slip out from under my feet. nature's carpet being pulled out from under my feet, literally, by something higher than myself. night fell, and i was still alive. that rocky road, i would swear never to walk again (but i did, story for another time). that was the best metaphor i ever came up with. the others were just deflated balloons; lines of helium, conceived with an empty mind, and flying deservedly out into the sky, where they belonged. i don't even feel proud of the metaphors. i guess, i'm just glad that dusk finally fell; the sun finally set on it. with such finality, the orange-juice sunset blinked goodnight. the last drop was drained from the flask. no recycling of water here. i did the stupidest things, i must admit. not that i never do stupid things, but in keeping with the mountainous imagery, i really achieved the pinnacles of stupidity, following the rocky road. all i can say, after all that, is that i'm glad i didn't actually fall off the mountain. because i should never have tried, if i knew i was so scared of heights.

despite all that

today my paramount thoughts were
1. whatever distracted all of my attention at that moment, deserves a lifetime's supply of nutella
2. a firm belief that this is the way it's meant to be and its all part of some GRAND PLAN out there. and the mere presence, just justifies that a thousand times over. i have no idea why it should lead me to the association that something i dislike should be a sign of Greater things to come, a just one piece of a perfectly puzzled-out plan, but i guess by reverse psychology, if something that isnt intuitive comes intuitively, then it must be true, since usually the intuitive things should be intuitive. and also i guess that's a truism but honestly i don't really care. and also i think that it's definitely a defense mechanism but i think it's a very adaptive one thanks. i just feel that if God planned it this way, it seems just like a part (a), and the rest is yet to come. and if this is so perfect then what's telling what's to come next, and i know that's going to be perfection too
3. and above all, peace and happiness. a thousand times i have wanted to swing the pendulum. a thousand times i have passed you randomly and almost done what i know i shouldn't. but i never did, and now this, and somehow this feels right. yeah, defense mechanism, and i'm proud of it.

Monday, September 17, 2012

the loneliness of a long distance runner

hi world,
i am STILL stuck on my psych write up -_-. and i have still not run in the morning, or at all, for the longest time. cue withdrawal symptoms. i think i just have this glorious fantasy of being productive even before most people have woken up, running against the wind, with my ipod, being happier than anything. it doesnt work like that. first the night before i have to sleep really early which is nearly impossible if i want to get -any- work done at all. then i actually need to wake up in time. even if i don't sleep through the alarm, i need to be awake enough/ be feeling bright eyed and bushy tailed in order to get up and out of the door. usually the running is 50-50 - sometimes it's a really great run and i'm jamming to teh music and sometimes i'm like dragging myself from lamppost to lamppost like a narcoleptic koala. and even then i am really sleepy the whole day like 80% of the time.

i get the guardian poetry/ drama news on my google reader which i am always reading becos... er.. becos i have a short attention span. and one of the titles of a play/ poem/ book? can't remember was "the loneliness of a long distance runner" love it.but actually i feel that longdistancerunners enjoy that feeling of solitude. that's the whole point. when you run, you're being judged on how fast how far you run, not on who you are as a person. for fifty minutes at the least, it doesnt matter what you've done or failed to do. or at least, by the end of that fifty minutes, you'd have sorted it out mentally. you'll know what to do about it, or be prepared to tackle it head-on, or have stopped beating yourself up about it. i remember i did this project about narcolepsy once, the one i said id never forget, haha i haven't, everytime i see the word cataplexy [which one sees a lot in psych] i go AHA and i think we all put in loads of effort but in the end didn't get A so i was rather upset and my friend wisely told me to go run [yea i've always had a reputation as being a crazy runner pwahaha] and i was so endorphined after that!! no really. running is awesome. i just wish i could do it more!

SIGH pros & cons. but anyway it's 9 am and i need to send my [new] tutor the psych writeup by tonight sobs. and then somehow finish bedside presentation by tonight too. dont think there are any 530am wakeup calls in the near future for me, nor the further future since we're posted to imh next which is really ulu...

anyway today was not bad, clerked 2 patients with my small cg today, which is a small accomplishment indeed considering a) 2 patients, properly clerked from head to toe is actually really draining for psych and takes really long! and b) we hardly ever clerk together hahaha it just happens like half the time we aren't grouped together under the same tutor anyway. then i went to the student lounge, found the clerking notes for the patient i'm doing for bedside presentation whom i clerked like 2 weeks ago and hammered out like 5+ pages!! WIN.

and i also ate banana cake + had a banana milkshake. K+ overload man

Sunday, September 16, 2012

no matter

i tried running in the night while my breath runs out
i tried flipping my heart inside out
if anyone says it's you i would turn and look thousands of times
but everyone tells me to quit now
they're telling me that's best for me
no matter how much i want you, i can't have you
no matter how much i hope and hope

sung hoon from brown eyed soul - no matter

Saturday, September 15, 2012

after a long time has passed

finally submitted my electives 1 documentation!! *sigh of relief*

the whole of today can be summed up as "slacking off since 1989"

on the bright side, saturdays spent browsing fashion blogs, watching dramas, sleeping in, napping... im lovin' it. guess my body just needed a break, a day in which i do utterly nothing. i'm not so sure my study schedule required it, but... whatever

this may sound really weird but the electives portal means a lot to me. so many hours in m3 wondering what i was going to do with the random m3 elective, finally organizing something that was awesome, working on it and realising the full extent of hard work when you do a project all by yourself from start to end. also it's the means through which the internships get arranged. it's like... the portal to my FUTURE. haha

hoping the neuro elective goes through too! i really need more neuro exposure/ teaching/ practice. and my third month is actually settled but much as i love childrensemergency i think i really need to know what life is like in the WARD in order to make an informed decision [read: whether i feel like fireworks are going off]. so prob will try and go for a ward-based elective, and then depending on the neuro elective, try a 4 mths o&g elective just to be completely informed-decision about it. excited!

right now/ eventually

i think that dichotomy about sums up my life haha

anyway delirium week has officially started, yeah it's been pretty delirious. i kinda have been doing rather odd things which i dont particularly like, wow evolution i used to pride myself on being strange now it's all like "oh noes what will everyone think of me!!" no seriously i do agree that being unique is great but sometimes like maybe when you're in a profession like medicine it's best to be viewed as a normally functioning, sane indivudual who does responsible things if yknow what i mean.

also i dont really know why psych is so extremely xiong that every friday we only leave hospital at 730++ but okay it's quite enjoyable. the other day i ponned CTS to do case write up file sleuthing and the patients i clerked previously waved happily to me on their way to the activity room to make mooncakes. thought that was quite sweet haha wanted to join them to see how the OT is being conducted but i think 3 hrs is best spent mugging rather than making mooncakes

oh yeah there was lots of child psych, I LIKE, seriously considering spending my 1 outstanding elective week doing an attachment if i can like ever get that organized (read: prob not). the play therapy was SO CUTE. sandbox philosophy, totally my thing. then we went to eat at marche. yum.

sorry i'm a bit high now cos i just had some chocolate, trying to get myself hyped up so i can get out of the house and do STUFF

had URTI of unknown origin reccently which was really annoying, i need to be more obsessive-compulsive about handwashing in daily life clearly. yesterday was pretty bad, i was like in some kinda delirium, making bad choices every five minutes. good thing i dont play stocks and shares.

so i did really want to run, bake etc this weekend but uhhh

let's just aim to
1. submit elective thing
2. polish up case write up and actually email it to the right people
3. prepare for dementia + delirium OCI on monday
4. type out RH's lectures for depression. 48 slides each sobs
5. look at past yr papers. i am not ks okay our tutor spent really long telling us abt the importance of these!
6. aim to be more ONZ and RESPONSIBLE next week

so many grand plans which are unfulfillable sobs but okay nevermind this is good enough

also as an example of my procrastination, wanted to sign up for 21k BUT IT'S FULL so dunno if i am crazy enough to sign up for 42. its a bad idea since... for illustration, every time i say i PLAN to run, i never actually have. unless i specifically say "just ran 8k" then yeah. so basically i run like once every fortnight. ughhhh. decisions, decisions. guess i'll just stick with depression lecture note-making for now [so exciting right]

OH ending on a happy note, i got my dream internship placement for electives!!!! SO HAPPY SO HAPPY IT'S A SIGN. well i mean i still have to do well for it obviously but oh i will definitely try!!

and i need to work harder this year. last yr i was like an energizer bunny that never stopped, this year it's like mehhhh you mean after all that hard work i barely rank in the middle of my class (slightly lower actually im guessing) so its kinda depressing i suppose. i need a star chart or something

Monday, September 10, 2012

cupcake dreams

3 pages of case writeup!!

apparently there's a cupcake shop at holland v. i'm totally going for uhh, research purposes. also i am going to run tomorrow morning. i think this week is a happyweek somehow. endorphins abounding yay. despite the fact that psych is still haiiidepressing. i really like psych patients somehow. cos you talk to them so much more and find out about them. the one time when it really IS relevant to ask them about their hobbies. i remember when we were just starting out in m2 clerking patients and we really went to ask everyone about their hobbies and we realized how awkward and irrelevant the question is. or maybe just the two people i clerked today were such nice people. they really were so smiley and so helpful and nice that i felt so bad for them

flight of ideas?

teh plan
reach home @1030

tues
wake up to run before the lecture tomorrow morning
lecture
join psych ward rounds
print OCI notes during lunch
OCI
rush for emed talk

wed
OCI in the morning
go back to do some research (??) the normal kind not the kind involving sweet baked goods with buttercream icing

thurs - child psych, CTS

fri - lectures in the morning, meet tutor at 1pm
call tutor for bedside presentation
spend afternoon clerking for bedside presentation

weekend
JAZZ
BAKING
preparing for bedside presentation (presumably)
submit electives documentation
at least 1 long run!!!



I guess I’ve walked and come here again
Even though I promised myself I wouldn’t do this
I guess I was being greedy
It’s a little late, and these words are probably meaningless
But since you were everything to me, I’m really thankful
Why do I keep stopping, standing and turning my head
If I turn around, I feel like you’ll be there
I wish today is the last day I walk down this sad road
Thank you for giving me so much more laughter than tears
This is greedy, I know very well I shouldn’t be doing this
But I wanted to see you once more…

sung shi kyung - thank you

whenever you call


now i can finally let you go
now i have to try hard
just to bring up your face
it's okay if i'm not sorry cos you would've already forgotten me
i know i'm the only one that is like this
this time i will leave
just like how you left me first 
this is as far as my foolish self will go
i hope if we meet accidentally
you will just pass by and ignore me

davichi- separating twice

morning = clinics, afternoon = joined the other group's bedside presentation + clerked 2 cases!

random list of things i've seen so far in the past 2 or so weeks
1. depression
2. pure bipolar
3. schizoaffective disorder
4. pure schizophrenia
5. addiction
6. borderline personality disorder
7. schizoid personality disorder

not bad! now just to remember all the DSM criteria. and do my case writeup. sobs.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

pastel stars

hi world,
i had a really nice weekend :) there was jazz class which was phenomenal, and then went for a dinner party at a friend's place. i feel really inspired to cook/ bake now, and invite people over haha. although i think i can't beat d for meaningfulness of a dinner party. when he told us why he was having a dinner party, everyone was like... that is so him!! haha. i think it goes to show that his friends know him v well. there was salad [which was v yum, pretty please pass me the recipe? :)], foccacia bread baked by his friend [!!], then carbonara, then gelatin cheesecake + bread and butter pudding. omg. it was so yummy. i HAD to gym the next day though wahaha but so worth it! and it was interesting talking to people whom i didn't know at all initially too. i'm totally getting better at this random-friend-making thing i tell ya.

jazz... was SO good. although it seemed a little contemporary-dance as well, no biggie, i LOVE contemp too. and the combinations, and floorwork... HEARTS. the magic of jazz and contemp is that it somehow makes me feel like a dancer. are we human, or are we dancers. was ethereally happy and floating on a cloud after that. the only downside is that the place is pretty far, so i spent lots of time on the mrt that day. and that i then spent the only two free hours i had before i had to rush off somewhere else... sleeping. good one. i'm totally going back next week though. 1.5 hours of pure happiness. dance is happiness, there is no question about it. assuming the teacher and the choreo is good, of course, sometimes when i find myself doing silly choreo then it's soo frustrating.

now forcing myself to finish my electives writeup for submission; in line with how i spent possibly more effort than anyone else on the actual elective, i am now spending proportionally more time on the summary as well sighs. my friend was like telling me how she just copy-pasted from the irbform and was done with her abstract. i just really want to do it justice i guess. also i've sort of put it on the backburner for the duration of m4 thus far so i've kinda forgotten which stage i was in the project and even which emails i need to access to download the relevant files i need. haha. but that said, it's really a project which means a lot to me, and that i am grateful to get and that i am determined to do properly :) so i'm more than happy to be doing this, just need to sit myself down and finish this thing since the deadline is approaching. and for the actual project itself, need to find an afternoon or two to go back and sort it out. thought emed would be a good time but emed was lots of ending at random times and post night shift it's nearly impossible to walk in a straight line let alone read casenotes haha.

so yay i feel happified in general :)

things i need to do/ want to do
1. do case writeup/ presentation
2. go back and finish up project
3. BAKE!! ice cookies, cake pops, red velvet cake, amongst others...
4. buy a bag and shoes [my stuff is literally falling apart. it's good to not have material wants but i really am not sure how many more rains my shoes will survive...]
5. print ALL the stuff for the psych simulated sessions
6. go running with a buddy :) not sure why but this want just popped up like a sim. i think i keep reading running blogs and it seems like such fun haha. my friend agreed so we just need to find a non-rainy day, which will be difficult in the sense that it is so unpredictable! is this singapore or scotland, maaan
7. await the release of electives results and plan for the random 1 extra week i need.
8. two long runs a week + sign up for the dec marathon. must stop procrastinating

Saturday, September 8, 2012

answers

[ there are so many things i couldn't say

you have never heard them before but]
i'm not someone who just loves anyone i see

though someday your name might become strange
my heart will remember all the memories

because among the many people in this world
i could only see you

i am standing here as i only see you

after this love, i dont really know what will happen

- closer from the to the beautiful you ost, by taeyeon 
 lists
1. i think depression week is making us/ me.... DEPRESSED. no shit. no seriously. i really cannot do psych as a career, not that i was ever considering it but this is literally insane. i have not felt depressed for an EXTREMELY LONG TIME, well the day before eopts not counted, and the day before the day before... and okay the point is, i have been such a happy bunny that i should not be randomly depressed with no triggering event?! it's just emotionally draining (and bear in mind that we haven't even been clerking patients from morning to night or anything like that). and the topics we're studying are literally depressing, and sometimes they make us think about ourselves, and how we deal with things, and it can be all very enlightening i suppose, but personally i hate thinking about depressing things... BECAUSE THEY'RE DEPRESSING.

and the tone needs to be super empathatic and okay i'm getting better at it, which is great, i'll be the better doctor for it, but it's tiring. plus they say to understand the person, you kind of must take on their probs for that time you're listening, if not it's insincere and not to say that i really understood the patients i was clerking [in fact, quite a few of them i literally couldn't understand. spent most of today exchanging 'should we continue?!' 'what should we ask now?!' looks with my clerking partner], but whatever it made me feel aurghh overall. sorry to say.   anyway no worries i have great coping mechanisms altho it just feels weird to know 'ok now i will apply my coping mechanisms'. it's so... MECHANICAL.

and why should i have to buy a book to happify myself randomly just cos psych depresses me. why should i give in to this randomness gnargh... okay this is the one & only time i shall angst about this again. i think cos i did  terribly in the first psych practices that i got rather selfconscious about doing this RIGHT and so i tried extra hard to be understanding to the patients, etc

 2. some good stuff: clerked this guy today and at first he was withdrawn and all, but somehow after i asked a few more qns he softened and was like "ok i know you guys need to do homework so i'll tell you properly" then went back to the beginning and described for me how it all started (i think he knew i was confusedly going round in circles cos my chinese is bad and my psych is bad and the time periods of then and now got confusing). and he really opened up about his issues and stuff. i was v touched that he actually decided to trust me and i heard from some friends later that pple had clerked him before and he couldnt rmb much... he actually told me that talking to me about it, this was the first time he was thinking about it properly (also cos he had literally just emerged from confusion). but anyway. my first solo clerking for a psych patient and it actually went well :)  

3. met charmaine today!!! one of my primary 1-2 besties *happiness* the last time i talked to her is probably.... uhh... maybe in primary school? IT'S BEEN SO LONG. she's interning in the dept now. it was really lovely cos, she's in the system but in a slightly diff system, so there's stuff to talk abt that is interesting; like a breath of fresh air but yet she gets it. totally apart from the fact that we used to be besties of course. becos obviously the last time i really talked to her we were talking about whatever 8 year olds talk about which... i have no idea now what they talk about. haha  

clerked a lot of interesting patients with c who happened to be hanging round the ward, lots of qns to ask the next doctor i see. but i really can't write it here (darn). so overall interesting day :) psychologically (haha) i think thaaat one needs to distance oneself in general from emotional things becos if not, you just get really affected. and that's BAD, obviously. so i've kinda succumbed slightly but i will not again! like once you know it it'll be fiiine

Thursday, September 6, 2012

neverland

thoughts running through my head

just to summarize
1. everything happens for a purpose & all this just reminds me of how important God is in everything
2. i think today just emphasized to me that i have been going the right way all along
3. i feel really unstable once i open the floodgates. today i called m about something and she mentioned she met a total doppelganger of someone she knows and i told her all about transferance and things and i know this is totally transferance, so that's bad but i really cant avoid it....

i kinda had forgotten what's it like to open the floodgates, and i think there's a reason why i banned myself from ever doing it again. it's much more than one specific person or memory, it's kinda... everything. i think i prefer the rose tinted glasses thank you.

hai, but on the point of everything happens for a purpose, i think today was good too, just as long as i dont get sucked into the usual whirlpools. like...i just really felt like all this had to transpire. im not sure why. lets hope it sincerely was for a good reason.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

from dailyscripturereflections

"unfortunately many of us are skeptical of the gifts that God has given to us. Perhaps, deep in our hearts, we wonder whether God is powerful enough to work miracles in our lives. Because we lack that personal knowledge of the power of God, His power and gifts cannot operate in our lives and in our ministry. Somehow, deep within us, we are skeptical that God will work miracles in our lives simply because we do not know His love and power, and so we pray without faith and rely only on our human reasoning"

"Faith must be expressed in obedience... in the final analysis, we know that we have faith in Christ only when we obey his commandments and bear the fruit of charity in our lives. This is how we know were are in him: Whoever who claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did"

words i want to tell you

you're only getting further

we will become strangers at this place right now
someone will shed tears and be left alone but
you try not to scar me and make me feel ill at ease
...is what i hate seeing, so i'll let you go

at my sudden words, you seem to be relieved for some reason
where did we go wrong
did we hope from different places starting from long ago
the sharpness of the vast difference of our start and end
and the pain that stabs my heart why is it so similar



boa's only one
her dancing is SO GOOD!! i love the contemp soyouthinkyoucandance style so much. hearts. i must really go for the jazz class at millenia this saturday. MUST MUST.

had psych clinics this morning. it was a brilliant experience. firstly, we were attached to an amazing tutor who loves to impart his life experiences/ stories about patients to us, who has a great bedside manner which is calming when he needs to be, firm when he needs to be, and who always gave us chances to ask the patients questions or do quick mmses, without throwing us into the deepend.

i didnt really read up much so walking there, i was pretty convinced he was going to throw us a file, say clerk this patient and leave us to our own devices, but it was pretty much the opposite. and we saw lots of interesting conditions as well. the details of which i cannot divulge since things in psych tend to be more specific. like in medicine if you say "i saw a patient with ischaemic heart disease/ gout/ mitral stenosis" it tends to be rather general since lots of people have these conditions. but for OCD/ obsessions, the subject matter tends to be really personalized.

but all in all, it was a really interesting clinic; enjoyable from the medstudent POV, humbling & eye-opening as a human being; empathyinducing and respect inducing for the doctor who was basically the opposite of house. i think that, this is what being a doctor should be like. whether you specialize in psych or radiology or gen med or paeds ;p you should be that good, to that level. i think that everyone who really wanted to do medicine, the kinds of people who thank God every day for this gift & honor, the level of listening to the patient, always knowing the right things to say, talking to their relatives & understanding the difficulties the patient and the family faces, sending the patient away feeling better both due to the consult and the medicine... this is what the idealistic pre-med student dreams of. and i'm really grateful to the doctor today for showing me this facet of medicine. it was truly an inspiration.

and after that, he bought lunch for the students under him & invited us to join him for his lunchtime tutorial. really such an awesome guy. i love it when tutors do that hahah not cos im mercenary & want free lunch (i paid for my own since i was in the middle of clerking one of his clinic patients when they called me to ask what he wanted), it just makes you feel that they really care & that they like medstudents & makes you see them as a person.

... and then i went for the simulated patient session in the afternoon and fell asleep. anyway.
tomorrow plans include ward rounds?! clerking patients and then tutorial ~4pm with my own tutor.

thurs is child psych (my fav!) and combined teaching until late (altho the emed people have it worse, wahaha)

another thing: i realise this sounds really cheesy but honestly i am really happy when i can realise each day that it's a day to be thankful for, cos every day is like precious time that has been bought. from a time of wondering how long everything could go on for, without crashing down on the sea of selfishness, to every day being in wonderment that it has all come so far. i just never want to stop giving thanks because i am well aware of the magnitude of it all, of how undeserving i was particularly then, and even now. just have wanted to say that for a long time.
like the rain that falls endlessly
like countless grains of sand
you fill up my heart

the faith and the to the beautiful you OSTs are so lovely to listen to

on another note, i was actually awake today. SUCCESS. plus i actually managed to do an okay job during our simulated patients interviewing this morning and then i clerked my first ever real psych patient in the afternoon!! i actually liked him best of all the patients i've ever clerked (kids excluded, i love ALL of them!) coz i really could empathize with the whole chain of events that he was relating to us; really wished that everything would turn out okay for him on the balance. after that was v drained. psych is emotionally draining.

i'm just glad they trained us so rigourously to be genuinely empathatic and how to SHOW that empathy coz i historically am really bad at showing the empathy i feel, although i do feel it. i am not soulless okayy.

psych is such a funny beast to study coz there is so much to memorize, but when you're doing the interview, somehow it all goes to naught unless you also happen to be an amazing interviewer. and conversely, you may not know what you ask, but if you're a really good interviewer, you can get all the points! although i think there comes a point where it's really impt to know what is the stuff to elicit la, but at our level seriously the most impt thing to master is the putting patient at ease and demonstrating genuine concern/ empathy etc. which is also THE MOST DIFFICULT.

i think i'm getting the hang of it though. it's just kinda counterintuitive from the whizzbang style of clerking we've been getting used to as we speedclerk patients to see signs in med/surg. i mean we don't purposely try to be abrupt and personally i DO try to establish rapport for the med/surg patients cos it just makes it so much more pleasant and enjoyable for all involved plus that means u enjoy clerking which you'd better enjoy cos you do it like half of your time in the hospital which is like practically your whole day so yeah. plus i've been well trained by my medicine tutor. but this is rapport building FAR AND ABOVE just casual questions about if they've eaten/their children. this is teh real deal in rapport building i feel. and for that, i really respect the psychiatrists. and it's a really valuable skill to learn :)

Sunday, September 2, 2012

ramen with friends

thoughts have been percolating in my head, more than usual. i also have a monster headache, luckily not the worst of my life... maybe i need to do some relaxation therapy.

anyway, as weekends go, its nice to have a weekend for once, now that emed is over. ps: i MISS EMED SO MUCH. i know i'm prolly not going to do it for a career, but it was SO EXTREMELY FUN. i really loved the rush of adrenaline and excitement, and the feeling i couldnt shake of being able to make a difference. as in i knew that i, the med student, wasn't making much of a difference, but i could clearly see that the doctors were. and they're all so knowledgeable and they were all having so much fun and loved what they did so much. just such a breath of fresh air. but that aside, it was one of the unhealthiest 6 weeks of my life eveR since a long time. esp since i spent the first 2 weeks being put to sleep by the anaesthetics, quite literally. i do like anaesthesia too because i loved putting in the LMAs, ETTs, IV lines (back when i still could...) and injecting propofol, and mostly watching all the awesome surgeries (neurosurg anyone?!).

at first i thought that if i liked watching the surgeries so much i should just be a surgeon. but when i told a friend that, the person was like, well maybe you just enjoy watching it but you dont really want the responsibility of cutting into the person and doing it. which !! makes perfect sense. well if my brain cells ever multiply/ hypertrophy to the extent that i would be a good anaesthetist i'll defo consider. also if my eopt results dont come back too bad. unlikely though. read: eopt results.

anyway went to gym with H :) nice to have company! then we went to eat at an amazing ramen place. RAMEN WITH FRIENDS. hahah sorry couldn't resist. i had volcano ramen which was yummy



so after a few nights of thinking, i have, as usual, no conclusion. im not sure why i need to subject myself to it but there it is. somehow this kinda catharsis just makes it... better. okay. it's been awhile since i was in this mode, haha. but such is life. i think that if this stuff didnt come around like a cycle, i'd start to get worried. one can't be constantly chirpy & living in a blissed out state of optimism forever. sometimes you really just need to give in to angst and agree that, this sucks, and there is nothing i can do about it, and that makes it suck twice as much somehow and i dont understand what this is why i feel so lousy randomly and its okay to not understand and not to have an answer or reason but just to be

and just to stay up searching for happiness (that reminds me so much of my jc days somehow) and percolating and wishing coffee would suddenly pop out of somewhere. and eventually you slip out of it and you become a better, more hardened? stronger perhaps person because of it

list of things for self reference
1. sign up for neuro electives by 18th sept
2. finish electives 1 thingy next wkend!! 7th sept
3. d's dinner thingy next sat
4. meet up with nat & sharon at some cool indie place! started trawling ladyironchef already hehe which sent me into like a 20 min reverie looking at beautiful pictures of food. LOVE. this is why i can never become anorexic. not only is food too awesome, and so PRETTY, the social aspect! like i just love going to happy places to hang out with my friends. and cakes. dont get me started.
5. start thinking abt psych case writeup
6. buy bags and shoes. i am no bimbo but my stuff is literally FALLING APART. this cannot be good.

should sleep now. i actually managed to watch all the psych videos for anxiety this weekend. GO ME. admittedly they were prob really short cos i also managed to gym quite a bit plus catch up on 5 episodes of faith. lee min ho totally dragged me out of psych-induced depression. or maybe its only active during the week, you know, when i'm actually going through the posting. anyway haha i shouldnt blame the posting it actually has nothing whatsoever to do with it, the only association is time-linear, not causative if yknow what i mean.

okay! here's to a great week. i went to church today, that's a good start right

Saturday, September 1, 2012

carry on

ummm... so i think psych is making me a little depressed after all. haha

but on the bright side, im really, REALLY enjoying watching lee min ho in faith

maybe that's meant to be symbolic somehow. faith

but right now i just wanna cruise through life not over-thinking things. i guess usually i over compensate so im always trying to cheer myself up but now im just too lazy. or maybe i try and it doesnt work *gasp decompensation of coping mechanisms*.

i guess i could always consume lots and lots of yummy baked goods but then i would have to run it all off and that would cause EXTRA stress. i guess i could BAKE aforementioned stuff but no time, plus the actual baking process always makes me stressed plus weird things always go wrong/ have to trouble shoot/ have to find stomachs for the weird results later on. even if the pre-anticipation and the post-satisfaction is always lovely. not to mention the sweet taste of... uh... sugar when you eat the colorful happy yummy thing you just produced. yAY BAKING. or i could just stalk cakewrecks.com which btw is full of the prettiest pictures (on sundays, when they feature professional bakers. the other days they feature... wrecks. haha)

anyway, watching the relaxation vid now. i think its quite amusing actually. i dunno wont the person be like weirded out if a doctor does such nonmed stuff but anyway i guess it must work or they wouldnt teach us this. like when i first started clinical years i told this guy "sir, i'm just going to feel your pulse now" and he was like "WHAT IS THIS, TCM AH". anyway long story short, the relaxation vid is NOT relaxing me

okay so i guess i made some decisions which makes me temporarily unhappy but like always its for LONGTERM HAPPINESS. longterm means >10mins. yeah a bit goldfish here. life's an aquarium, folks. and i dunno some days are just weird & gunky & i shouldnt try too hard... to be happy, to make others happy... or just IN GENERAL. days staying up late til you cant keep your eyes open, surfing the web for happy-making things, looking everywhere for happiness. you cant find happiness that way. why am i talking about happiness AGAIN

sometimes you put too much stock in things, unthinkingly. maybe the way is to NOT bother about them. unconsciously. i dont know. does it matter; sometimes it seems as if it does, and then it doesnt

im just going to have a looong shower (btw, so not OCD) and then study relaxation. HAHA. cya world