About Me

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

you are more

was reflecting on why, despite meeting S so randomly so many times & feeling called to help out with the youth ministry in church, i didn't ever go, and it's nearly 1.5 years already. part of it is inertia, most of it is the residual stuff that i cant really... let... go. i actually feel it is the right decision to not help out since i think there is a best way for everyone to put their gifts to use, and mine really doesnt lie in this area. as to why i felt the calling in the random meetings, i think it's something to do with the effects of chance/ coincidence, and more of a general rather than specific calling. and literally, i wouldnt know what to do with 14 yr olds. i have no clue.


and then i found this v encouraging song while fbing, so totally worth it lol.


you are more than the choices that you've made
you are more than the sum of your past mistakes
you are more than the problems you create
you've been remade

well she tries to believe it
that she's been given new life
but she can't shake the feeling
that it's not true tonight

'cause this is not about what you've done
but what's been done for you
this is not about where you've been
but where your brokenness brings you to
this is not about what you feel
but what He felt to forgive you
and what He felt to make you loved

~
really resonated with me

Monday, November 26, 2012

it was so that it would feel like nothing to me

everything that i pointed towards you that wasn't love
it was only because i wanted to believe that it was
the light that was brightly shining, the dark path in front of me

caffeine

It’s late, I need to sleep and I already counted all the sheep in my head

Cause you’re like caffeine, I can’t fall asleep all night
My heart keeps racing and again, I hate you
Like caffeine, I try to stay away
I try to forget about you but I can’t do it, I can’t help it



after today, i realized that i will never forget you; it's impossible
time passes and i find rainbows
but i can't forget the rain
the memory of the raindrops






Saturday, November 24, 2012

rainbow cupcakes

i'm sitting in starbucks doing cytopathology notes + ingesting cranberry white choc mocha :) it was v nice. i really think im slacking too much this week hahaha but i need the breakk!!

and of course, looking up muffin/ cheesecake recipes.

zzz i want to slack

but since i alr ingested the entire cranberry choc mocha drink im suspecting i should spend the happy-mojo-vibes on mugging. really donch feel like mugging this, it's craazy boring!! i would much rather mug eye/ ent instead but i guess the patho stuff has to be mugged SOMETIME. makes me realize how much i appreciate clinical stuffs as opposed to just sitting in a room theorizing about things. like once i wanted to give my HO my case record to mark and i went looking for her and the whole team was watching the cardio reg do a bedside ultrasound of the heart (!!) uber awesome. or just being in the clinics having my o&g tutor let me clerk every single pt. even though it was so scary and i kept going round in circles vis a vis the air travel in pregnancy thing LOL it was at least fun. and humanizing.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Hi world,

Things i want to rmb
- had a lovely dinner with nat & sharon at saveur :) ate duck + dessert mm

things to do
- watch life of pi/ the hobbit
- run tmr, really!!!
- practice with fondant. Tried this icing recipe today which was i must say rather painful loll
- go cmg bible study! A asked me about it today, ive been meaning to ask her about it so it was a happy coincidence/ a sign? Haha. I kinda want to do his right this time if u know what i mean so yeah. Praying that permission will be given but somehow i think it will be.

These gutfeeling things, they always seem to work out even if i dont expect them to :)

trust. must start mugging for patho but srsly i think im enjoyingg this slackness. Haha.

also YAY successfully made a chocolate cake

Monday, November 19, 2012

cranberry white chocolate mocha

AWAITS ME. omg. i cant wait!

anyway so i successfully completed the o&g eopt, the definition of success meaning that i finished the paper LOL. went to watch skyfall with my cg afterwards, and then home for LOTS of glorious slack guilt-free drama watching. i finished up nice guy which had an amazing ending. seriously. song joong ki + happy ending + rose colored camera lenses and a seaside town filled with pastel sunsets, benches, meaningful looks and remembering. saturday was more slacking + gym, sunday was KINO + massive shopping.

and now it's 9-5 patho lectures >< aurgh okay even though its very sian and all that, i will not forget my initial uhm enthusiasm for this. lol. actually the patho lectures are more interesting than expected. like after we escaped for a break we came back to find that it was a treasure-hunt like thing where the tutor gave us an index card with clues and we were supposed to find the pot and answer the qn on the card. we had NO IDEA what it was but amazingly c managed to find the right pot [and i mean there werent any other yellow nodular things anyway]. so anyway quite fun, i think they should make more cluedo games in med school. i was really awake thruout the whole lecture which was pretty rare, but i guess i did spend most of the weekend when i wasnt doing fun stuff snoozing away so heh.

yay i dont know why but i just feel happy :)

Thursday, November 15, 2012

last advice

hi world,

last day of o&g was yesterday! it actually went pretty well [all things considered]. we had a really useful osce practice session in the morning, one last obs-style lunch in labor ward with the other cgs, wrote my tutor a card, watched one last delivery [!!] :) it was quite a nice ending. it was an ivf pregnancy too, so as i went home i couldnt help but keep thinking how incredibly happy the parents must have been, for a cute, squalling, kicking and squealing healthy baby when they initially thought it would be impossible. out of the whole of o&g, i think watching babies being born is really the loveliest part!! it wasnt as happening as i thought it would be since the delivery load is so small, but what little i saw was a really cool life experience :)

at night, i had a rather religious-themed skype convo with nic haha which was REALLY GOOD we discussed stuff ive been thinking about for ages, it showed me that im on the right path [kinda...] and okay, sometimes we fall off the tightrope but i mean it's understandable whyy right lol & it doesnt mean you're bad for it, it's just kinda... the human condition. plus on why kids = good. i seriously think that everywhere i've been God sends friends to look out for me/ keep me on the righter path than usual... d, nic, r...

anyway exam is tomorrow. ARGh. off to learn about hagar's dilator

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

it's like that anyway

random stuff first

i love how in o&g the first thing you always say (apart from "i would watch and observe") is "i will call for help" and "don't panic". HAHAH. i mean... can you imagine saying that during your gen surg short case or something. but really for shoulder dystocia the first thing is CALL FOR HELP before doing the mc roberts, etc etc. in fact the memonic is HELLPER. haha. anyway

even though o&g is EXTREMELY stressful, i'm enjoying the experience in a weird kinda way. like in a we're all in this together kinda way. i won't lie and say that it's a completely bump-free holiday in neverland, but it's kind of like a marathon i didnt train properly for, but completed anyway. it's kind of like how in cross, people clap to encourage each other when they pass each other on a trail deep in the forest even if they dont really know each other. it's enough that on a random saturday, two human beings are running in the forest and at risk of being mauled by monkeys. it's just kinda weirdly enjoyable. if we survive the final days of the posting, that is. aughh. i also kinda liked having another person under the same tutor as me haha so it was quite fun discussing stuff

some pseudophilosophical thoughts in my mind:
i ve always wondered why specifically must i go to edin, and come back. coz i am 100% certain that both events were miracles beyond my comphrehension, beyond my ability and what i deserve, so there must be something in the specificity of it all, of this unique thing that no-one except me has done. [okay and maybe one or two others.]

there are a few things i can think of with some hindsight - the whole thing definitely brought me closer to God. when i read around the time when i was still unsure of whether it would all work or not, i am stunned at the sheer tenacity and maturity of faith that comes through. ok, granted, i do know that i wasnt feeling too great or mature at the time, i think more than anything i was confused, because i kind of did have this sense that it would work out, yet it didnt seem to be working, so i wasn't sure why i had these desires and wants and why i couldnt just calmly live my life not wishing for something impossible.

but even when i was truthfully documenting my confusion down, i think it comes through that i ultimately held on to the goodness of God. and that i just wanted the people around me to believe in the goodness of him too. in the end, i didn't ever want this for the sake of achievement, like oh i am v pro [which anyway i know to be untrue] or whatever, i mostly wanted the people around me to believe in his Goodness again. it really hurt me that i had nothing to show to prove how good he was. how i could believe in his Goodness through all of that, lol, i have no idea. i think there are definitely lesser things; material; mortal things that i have easily lost faith through. petty squabbles that no longer mean anything, soap bubbles, wine that evaporates overnight. so i'm really glad for that :) it makes me so proud of my past self to know that i conducted myself well in the past. not so sure if ive conducted myself quite so well since then, but oh well, haha.

another thing is that it really made me appreciate medicine a lot more. i mean yea of course it's my dream, something ive always wanted, etc. i guess reccently as i come to think about my residency choices and want peds a lot, similar to my medicine-obsession since jc, i've sort of lost the gratitude and appreciation of the whole medicine thing. i spend my time wondering if i'm worthy, wondering why i cant ever get beyond the 50th percentile of the class, going on sundays to clerk patients [only during this rotation; well okay we dont have a choice since we already get massacred at ward rounds on mondays even when going, imagine if we have nothing to say, hahaha!].

but you know, honestly, so many miracles have already occured that i dont think i can and should be so greedy about it. after all, medicine is something i wished for so badly that sometimes, the only thing keeping me in the balance was this bright dream, the compulsive feeling that this is it, this is worth it even though it's hard. even when other people tell me things that tip the balance, i gritted my teeth and stuck it through, because medicine really did mean that much to me. i guess in a time where it's all so easy and taken for granted, when your thoughts are on higher things [and i mean like on post-grad stuff, not on more virtuous and commendable thoughts], you dont really sit here and think "wow, i love medicine so so much that even if people or situations are not ideal, it doesnt matter cos i have medicine!! *hugs davidsons*"

haha kidding, but you get the idea

i mean but i think, it's good to focus on the future too, for obvious reasons, God gave us talents and we're not supposed to bury them and wait for him to return, we're supposed to use them wisely for his glory.

just that, on reflection, i think that love for God and love for medicine are 2 great gifts that he gave me. maybe i could have honed these anyway if i'd gotten the normal thing. but then again, who ever knows right. i think its far more likely that id just spend my time caught up in revision, with the only angst being about each upcoming test (like right now... haha).

so it's good.

and about residency, maybe o&g has just turned my brain into mush but honestly i dont really care too much anymore. i'll apply for my dreams and also for transitional year i guess, but i think ultimately God will lead me. and that's the best, isn't it?

and yeah maybe i've said this a hundred times before, these thoughts, but not with such clarity LOL.
i just feel very chillax now, even though i should feel very stressed about exams. they just come and go and it's like okay whateveR.

things i want to do at some point
1. go for the catholic medical guild bible study [maybe wait til d comes back for hols then go with him??]
2. the kids ministry in church needs help. they're 5-6yo. arghhhh!! i so so want to do this
3. find a residency/ future career in which i can bring the greatest glory to God. currently, im actually of the belief that peds is oversuscribed and psych can help depressed people which is definitely doing God's work. it's just that i love peds, and... sigh.... that said, i mean children are close to the Kingdom of God, so it isnt wrong to love them, right? and i mean helping little children get well is always good. i'm sure God might just as well say "thank you for sacrificing all those weekends to do calls to help those little kids with asthma/ febrile fits/ GE" as well as "thank you for helping all those 10000 depressed people". and it's not like i came into medicine with the express purpose to do psych stuff anyway... but i do like the brain, it's a fascinating organ. but then again i wanted to be a surgeon/ neurosurgeon. my password for many years was surgeon101. HAHA. so.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

the truth about reality

happy thing: my o&g tutor emailed me back (i feel very funny discussing case writeups via email, but okay...) to say that i got 8/10 for my second writeup! YAY. worth going back last sunday and all the confusing swopping of beds. maybe cos i really felt for the patient and really liked her. it could be.

tonight i shall
1. type out the osse session we had on friday
2. finish shoulder dystocia
3. do PID/ STIs/ all the infection thingies

had a really good 14k run, 35mins there and 45 mins back, and 5 minutes sitting in the botanics contemplating life. those five minutes always seem like the happiest times of my life, making the run so worth it. it just always makes the world seem so illuminated, full of happy things. but then again, even seeing people dressed in jogging attire/ in cycling gear on triathalon bikes heading towards botanics on an average morning at 730 from the car window makes me feel happy. even looking at triathalon magazines, full of sweaty people who've just done an ironman at kona makes me feel full of endorphins.

 i guess running/ working out does take a lot of time out of the rest of life, i wont deny it. but as eric liddell said, something along the lines of when he runs, he feels God's pleasure. i think it's something like that too. when i run, i feel that God is awesome and great, and i always pray that i can keep running for a very very long time. which is part of the reason why i cross train with other stuff as well coz if i just ran 14k everyday i'd get OA really fast. also, i just like combat. haha.  i think it also makes me a better person coz if i dont get to run or workout i get serious cabin fever and start to get really pissed off with life. or maybe ive become addicted to the endorphins, that's a real possibility. but i'm just grateful that i have the opportunity to do all these, the time to do all this (miraculously) and that ive had no injuries or anything in all the time ive been running, it's really amazing. today i thank you for the gift of running, God. thank you that i somehow got started on this journey, that my friends in jc encouraged me to join cross (even though they both dropped out after lol), that it inspires me in my everyday life and provides a metaphor for getting through hard times. that it can still bring me so much joy, and makes me feel so close to the universe and to you, running through the leaves, the branches, the rain.

reminds me of the perennial joke during jc when all the track & cross people had a meeting, and j got back to the class first, and a, m and i got there much later, and our form teacher was like "how come j got back so fast" and a was like "cos he's a sprinter, we're in cross country"

okay im a bit high on endorphins as you can tell. hahaha. i should really apply myself to o&g but i have NO MOTIVATION fdkjjghdf

love in the milky way cafe

i'll float a rainbow on your teacup

love love love 10cm

dreaming of cafes and coffee and all things bright and beautiful. but unfortunately i need to mug. such a discrepancy between the dream-world and the real world.

can we just never grow up

i think i have an alice in wonderland complex.

i think its cool to wander around not really knowing what's going on, to run and not reach anywhere, to do things without any consequence. you wake up & it's all a dream. last night, in my dreams, i fought two wars. i think i won. like literally i was a warrior/ part of the freedom fighters, that kinda thing. i think i read too many scifi/ fantasy books in my lifetime.

one more week, this sounds so banal & i'm quite tired and i cant really amp up the enthusiasm but i guess i will have to

i heard about you reccently
i still eat ramen everyday
i'm getting older but my tastes havent changed
i'm fine thank you and you?

Friday, November 9, 2012

one more week. must really mug ugh. we had a revision session today with a v nice tutor though yay. 2 really nice tutors actually. it does make all the difference when the tutor is nice and funny haha

currently so sleepy that i cant even hold a thought long enough in my mind to hold a conversation sigh

i will mug
1. instrumental delivery
2. breech delivery
3. 1 osse set

then STARBUCKS yes

Thursday, November 8, 2012

sunshine



this song is so pretty :)

so continuing my highly unexciting life, i really need to finish my gyne writeup in the next 2 hours and send it off. just received the really terrifically bad feedback about my obs writeup SOB so better do this properly. actually i knew the stuff just didnt write it down bleh i guess i can't assume that everyone knows it so i shouldnt say the obvious, since med students often dont know things anywaY.

all i did yesterday is... uhh... gym. oh well. it makes me feel really badass, which i love. like i feel that if one day i need to fight anyone in a dark alley with flying kicks and karate chops, i totally could. i probably can't, but it's nice to have that self-confidence of fighting to the end lol.

we've been having a lot of exhausting slides teaching which are EXCELLENT, not to mention hilarious thanks to the sarcasm of the tutors. one slide was of a foot presentation during delivery and the person doing the slide was totally stumped so the tutor kept going "what has 5 small round things? and CREASES?" and everyone was giggling and the person still didnt know heh.

been thinking a lot lately, my general philosophy on life is that when things are confusing/uncertain/ notsure why it's that way, there are always lessons to be learned & things to be improved.

also i'm beginning to waver towards psych [even tho i now no longer have any psych electives, good job...]. i just feel like it's a very meaningful specialty and also is intellectually interesting. i mean the workings of the mind! plus i'm relatively good at it [the first standardized patient encounter was a FLUKE hahaha subsequent ones people all said i was good okaayyy]. unlike geri which makes me really feel depressed all day long, and makes me feel like life is NOTWORTHLIVING & we're all going to die horrible deaths alone in hospitals with no kith or kin who care about us and dpfghdfljg it's just souldestroying. im sorry. think geri is really meaningful too, and palliative too, and i really admired the work the palliative doctors did during my 1 week rotation in ttsh pall med, and they were really kind, inspiring and charismatic people, but it takes a certain character to do it and i dont have that character/ it feeds in too much into my fears. whereas while i used to always say I'M LOSING IT, i dont really have an innate fear of going crazy or anything. yeah, who would have though lol. as in i dont think the point is to do something which makes you literally unhappy since the special feature of medical training is you take something you love and are crazy about and do calls/ overtime until you just want to explode, so you better really like & enjoy it superbly to begin with.

*justifies self*

anyway but im just beginning to think that id like to do something more for the good of others rather than pursue one of those -academic- pathways where you do subspecialties in exciting sounding things cos they just sound so cool, and have politics, and things like that. i just want to help people. cheesy as that sounds. also it's silly since i've been so wrapped up in day to day surviving and tons of papers and computers that i doubt ive helped anyone much since the start of med sch. or a levels. or secondary sch. or... it goes a long way back, you get the idea. as in basically i dont want to have to think so much about the background mechanism and just have patients be a whole pile of blue letters to see, or something. but then again, with caseload, it just inevitably piles up. im sure doctors care somewhere inside of them that their patients do ok (plus, obviously there is some inherent selfinterest in that it's bad if they dont do well lol).

then again, if i do child psych, it's totally going back to what i love to do anyway aka peds so it's more self-serving than others-serving, since i'm doing what makes me happy.

and then again, what's wrong with doing what makes you happy?!

on that note, shall finish my gyne writeup discussion. HAI

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

things that i couldn't say

hi world. it is currently 1am and i am writing a very long-winded writeup. and i need to get up by 630. on the bright side, if i streamline my morning routine to eat-toast-out-of-door-go! i guess i should be able to hit the snooze button til 7 lol

things to do emergently aka triage list
1. finish gyn writeup and send by tomorrow night. or 1am the next day, same difference
2. get my tutor to sign my logbook & fill in missing fields in minicex forms, hand mini-cex forms up
3. email tutor to let him know my elective has been approved by DO
4. clerk patients in preparation for ward rounds on thurs/ fri
5. print out past yr mcqs and start mugging in earnest. IT'S 60%. i should be more stressed about eopt, but the truth is the day-to-day stressors of the tutorials/ wards/ writeups/ mini-cexes make me feel like it's really hard to look past to more long-term things. like the eopt. lol.

things that make me happy currently
1. full house take 2 + the soundtrack. LOVE. it's really so zany and over the top, totally my thing. plus yet you really feel for the characters. anyway had a very nice chillax time watching it this evening, yes i am very slack...
2. urban zakapa
3. gym tomorrow. I MUST REALLY GO ZOMG no matter what it takes
4. we had a really good tutorial with 60 slides and we learnt a lot! really grateful. even though the tutor is really strict and demands a lot, i do feel that [assuming your rep survives the public humiliation, which im not too sure mine did...] we gained a lot from all the excellent teaching he gives. okay i have one more ward round to survive so the jury is out on this. thank goodness i have only 3 patients next week. anyway if i survive it i shall give him chocolate. coz that's what i do to express gratitude, im a chocolate & cookie producing factory haha
5. i had a really nice nap upon reaching home around 6+ haha
6. thinking of nice places to go eat with friends. i really want to go to strangers reunion!! nat? sharon? haha. wanted to call nat to go today but duke seems to have tonsss of exams & it was raining & anyway it was closed today so luckily never go. SOON.


Getting farther away the more I try to hold on
Getting more exhausted the more I try
Crumbling down so emptily like that

* Why do we love?
Why do we separate?
With different relationships, with different loves
It hurts the same – always the same separation

Always getting nervous in case I lose you
Becoming numb from receiving scars
Telling myself it’ll really be different this time
Having that useless hope and giving my trust again

Why do we, Why we fall in love
Why do we, Why we fail in love
Becoming more and more pitiful because of greed
Getting farther away the more I try to hold on
- all the same, urban zakapa

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

moments

today when talking to my patient and she started commiserating with me about strict tutors LOL. she was like, what happens if u can't answer the questions? me: haha i think nothing happens really except everyone will think u are really stupid i presume?

reminded me of the cute kid in kk we kept meeting and how the scary prof was holding this tutorial over his bed literally and i attempted to distract him with angry birds on my phone but since he was like p5, he TOTALLY understood what it means to be scolded by a teacher cos u dunno the answer so he kept looking up at us with this mixture of innocence and awkward i-think-the-teacher-is-scolding-you-leh look haha SO CUTE.

haha but anyway even tho it was stressful today it was actually quite good! it's just scary in the moment but it's equally scary for everyone. i mean i knew my stuff except for really weird qns that no-one else knew either. well worth the stress of going back on sunday to clerk patients, and of frantically reading up on the conditions.

i've learnt from this that you really need to put God first beyond everything. it stands out so clearly  in my mindscape. skip church for clerking = terrible distastrous presentation anyway. wake up at odd hours to go to early mass & travel all over the island strangely & skip doing things i like and which are impt to my sanity = miraculously good presentation on a complicated topic. if that's the lesson i'm meant to learn from this, i'm more than happy to learn it.

another thought is that i need to be nicer to people in my daily life even if it's difficult. sometimes you have lots of things to do and you snap at people out of frustration but it isnt really their fault cos u just feel pissed at life/ dunno how you're going to do everything you're supposed to.

not that things are measured solely in achievements but it's just that... it's like running and you stay on the same spot. if i want to choose the path where i can do God's work thru medicine, i cant get there by mugging my head off, the ends dont justify the means.

important lessons to learn.

anyway, more clerking gloriousness (not) tomorrow sighs.

we had chocolate chip dough b&j today in the kopitiam and it was YUM :):)

Monday, November 5, 2012

went to church today :) i have confidence that next week is gonna be GREAT. well at least i certainly hope so.

just a smattering of thoughts:
read on a friend's blog [as part of a hearteningly open-minded entry] that she has never fallen so low that she needed a higher being to save her. which really made me appreciate that the lows in my life always without fail draw me closer to God. i guess if you wanna have the kiasu sg approach then lows are always BAD, i guess, but when you think about how much it brings you closer to God & eternity then i say, they're totally worthwhile.
it's only when you feel that humans are untrustable, that you can't run on your own steam anymore, that you need a miracle cos by human arithmatic, you won't meet the complex algebraic formula anymore, that you realise the need for God. if i had gotten everything i wanted, ever, i would probably be really puffed up with self esteem. i know that i dont deserve where i am today. sure, i have a base level of self esteem [i know right most people dont know this HAHA] maybe thanks to being in gep all my life & stuff, even tho i kinda know i got in based on my linguistic skillz and not really my math since i really suck at maths. but even that i know comes from God. even my determination is all very good, but again, it's God who gave me that trait. so in a way, i'm happy that i have been shaped this way. even though the years have been filled with their fair share of angst and worry and stress; things i should have gotten and didnt, they are also chock-full of happy memories, beloved friends, hilarious moments, and successes that often i didn't deserve. the funny thing is that usually when i deserve something i dont get it, and when i dont, i usually get it. oh well. by this logic i'll be getting my dream residency then .

i feel much better bout life since i was able to spill to david whom i caught on skype just now... and i spilled to nic too the other day. really love that my friends are so willing to listen, in fact, i used to need so much listening ears in the past that this is probably tame and nothing to them HAHAHA. another good side-effect of previous angsts.

sometimes also you feel like you need History to feel Special. like you are Scarred and it is Noteworthy. i dont think it is really. i am just as carefree in opening up to people as usual HAHA. in fact, i guess i kind of seek out companionship on a level as awesome as i used to know. cos duhhhh its just nice to have close friends and you know you've got their back and vice versa. maybe the only thing i do differently is i dont spill ALL ABOUT MY LIFE AND LOVES AND ANGSTS until my friends turn tail and run. yeah. i dont do that anymore. LOL. it's called evolution yo.

i'm scared for tomorrow i really am. i know consciously this week is gonna be good since i went to church yea i know logic right but let's put it this way, it isnt a zero-sum game, it's that i have the blessings and all the graces, and i was able to put my prayers up to God. last week i skipped it to clerk patients and monday was a DISASTER that literally sent me spiralling into depression the whole week. im not even kidding. both my fault and... okay it was mainly my fault but i think Life could have been nicer about it. haha. anyway ive learnt my lesson and hoping tomorrow will be less bad. i mean no matter how bad it can be, i KNOW God is watching over me.

and as for why he didnt save me last mon, apart from me not going to church (like i said, it's not a give and take thing), maybe i needed to learn something. about putting Him first, about the true natures of others, about the importance of being thorough. it'll make me a better ho/ resident next time.

but the main thing is - love the Lord your God and love your neighbor as you do yourself.

it's 1am. i think i should really really sleep now. putting it all in God's hands.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

mid-afternoon on saturday post-call, feeling satisfied with life :) 

last week was rather bad no doubt and solidified my decision never to touch o&g with a foot long pole again after this academic yr: ie around feb 2013. 

BUT as always seems to happen, the tide turned! friday was GREAT. i did BOTH mini-cexes for an average of 70% which i was totally not expected since my fellow mentee kept priming me that everyone before did really terribly and the post-op patient minicex thingy on thurs was BAD to the point that when i came into the msc he was like 'how did she fail you?!" me "no la she said she'll give us a new case on friday instead cos that's fairer". i finished & submitted my writeup and slept in until like 11am, thanks to getting an afternoon instead of morning clinic. i did call, stayed the whole night, and witnessed a delivery :):) 

now all i have to do is ROCK monday, as in rock & roll not rock the boat, since i already rocked it quite a lot last monday. 

anyway, i know who i have to thank. literally i was praying the whole long mrt journey to school on friday that everything would go okay cos everything was just going so WEIRDLY this past week. now just to finish up the requirements and be DONE with this whole shebang. i'm going to be a happy bunny next week! 

i fixed everything you wanted me to but where are you
this awkward day is flowing by
geeks - officially missing you, too
the rapping part is v cute!

no matter which night it is, 
i have the habit of not looking up at the sky
even if half of it is torn
i hate letting anyone find out

when i'm talking to anyone
i have the habit of keeping half of the words to myself
if i say it all
it feels like i'll be abandoned and i hate that intuition
-ailee, evening sky

tell me bout it. 

Thursday, November 1, 2012

jesus take the wheel

from our daily bread (one of those things i get in my email everyday along with notes from the universe)

Those who seek Him will praise the Lord. Let your heart live forever! —Psalm 22:26

Do you know which psalm is quoted most often in the New Testament? You may have guessed the familiar and beloved 23rd Psalm, but actually it is Psalm 22. This psalm begins with David’s poignant, heart-breaking words that were quoted by Jesus on the cross, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” (Matt. 27:46; Mark 15:34).

Imagine the situation David must have found himself in that caused him to cry out to God in this way. Notice that he felt forsaken and abandoned: “Why are You so far from helping me?” (Ps. 22:1). He also felt ignored: “O my God, I cry in the daytime, but You do not hear” (v.2).
Ever been there? Have you ever looked up into the heavens and wondered why it seemed that God had abandoned you, or was ignoring you? Welcome to David’s world. But for every plaintive cry David expresses, there is a characteristic of God mentioned that rescues him from despondency. Through it all, David discovers that God is holy (v.3), trustworthy (vv.4-5), a deliverer and rescuer (vv.8,20-21), and his strength (v.19).
Do you feel forsaken? Seek the Lord. Rehearse His character. And “let your heart rejoice with everlasting joy” (v.26 nlt). —Dave Branon

Lord, sometimes I feel as if You don’t care about my life. When those times come, please remind me of Your character as You did David. Help me to lean on You again and know that You are there. Even when we don’t sense God’s presence, His loving care is all around us.
i guess. even when it doesnt feel like it. it's just a series of unfortunate events. it's a looong time since i've last used that phrase, 2 years in fact. but you know what? the last book in that series is called the end. yes. so literary. haha. there is an end in sight.

its just one of those days, when you expected the cloud to have gone away ages ago, but it's still there and you dont know why. okay, i admit my font of knowledge isnt exactly the greatest in the whole world & never has been. but my ability to survive. where has that gone. i think i got lulled into this cushy everything is going great thing.

on the bright side, i got 71 for psych!! i have no idea if thats a good mark tbh but here, anything over 70 and i rejoice! so i'm just assuming it's good. yay. wahey! also considering the slightly desperate station of DYSTHYMIA where i kept asking the patient ARE YOU SURE THERE ISNT ANYTHING ELSE?! and how i was the only candidate possibly to do the entire relaxation therapy thingy during the panic attack station, and how all the marks came from that exam day [my case writeup was 8/10, and a hard earned one too from roger ho darn i wish it counted!!], i guess psych really ended lovelily for me. def something i will consider in the future.

off to be a superhero. there's a world that needs saving. there's disbelief that needs to be righted, and things that need to be done.

Lord, sometimes I feel as if You don’t care about my life. When those times come, please remind me of Your character as You did David. Help me to lean on You again and know that You are there. Even when we don’t sense God’s presence, His loving care is all around us.


dear God, even if right now i feel like things are going out of control, help me to remember this
oh and -


i hope to be back with some tales of miracles.

dont stop belivin'