About Me

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

2014 resolutions

there are many things i could aim for, like maybe WAKE UP AT 5AM to go running everyday. or: DEANS LIST

but after much thinking, all i really hope to achieve is

1) pass mbbs
2) do not sell my soul in the pursuit of (1), or anything at all
3) find out what God wants me to do, and do it.

other minor resolutions
1) make people smile everyday
2) find out what to do with the 2 weeks after mbbs. and also for the rest of my life, but thats major resolution (3)
3) teach sunday school. or maybe just the uber-little-kid one. or just something, i'll figure this out.
4) meet up with friends!
5) no matter what happens with the Future, to go for the conference my mentor asked me to submit my project for, which happens to be on the topic which i absolutely love
6) make cinnamon rolls, between now and march 8th. just becos.
7) somewhere in this year, play a musical instrument & make a child smile (i think i might have to learn those disney songs after all, haha)

2013 in a nutshell

2013 in a nutshell :) first line from first post of every month (well with some exceptions where the first post was totally random & not representative of the month at all. LOL)

jan- LAST DAY OF SLACKERY. playing angry birds star wars on my galaxy pad.

feb- When you love something enough, e, work becomes play, perspiration becomes inspiration, and it doesn't matter what others may say.

march - all i wanna say is I'M STILL ALIVE & Thank God for everything as always :):)

april- all of it is waaay over my head, but just feel so privileged to be exposed to all of this fascinating stuff.

may - i want to be a pediatrician more than anything else. and i'm proud of that fact.
june -

Slartibartfast: Perhaps I'm old and tired, but I think that the chances of finding out what's actually going on are so absurdly remote that the only thing to do is to say, "Hang the sense of it," and keep yourself busy. I'd much rather be happy than right any day.
Arthur Dent: And are you?
Slartibartfast: Ah, no.

(h2g2 quotes = love)

july - Today, what can God do through you? It isn’t about how qualified you feel. It isn’t about how talented you are; it’s really about how yielded you are.

aug - Speak Lord, your servant hears

sept - Keep honoring God with your life. Stay in peace. Trust his timing and God will open doors that no man can shut.

oct - halfway through medicine SIP!!

many thoughts, but essentially
1) it's really fun!
2) my first team was the most beautifulest team ever.

(note: by the end of 2 weeks in the 2nd team, i loved them too!! sgh im sip = seriously one of the best sips EVER)

nov - leap of faith
Now you're back in the same place
You've been here before
Stuck in a maze trying to find an open door
Pray for the strength and take a leap of faith

dec - I thank you, Lord, for the victory that growing brings./ In surrender of everything life is so worth while./ And I thank you, Lord, that when everything’s put in place, out in front I can see your face, and it’s there you belong.

~
it's the last day of the year!! omg omg
my resolutions last yr were:
1. get a better work-life balance. and be more efficient
hmmm... i dont know about efficiency per se, but i think i had quite a good work life balance in 2013! more chillax, more willing to hang out with friends & family to unwind. clearly also NOT the best year to do it (since 2013 contains like more than half of m5 LOL) but i think the sanity was worth it!!


2. discern what God planned for me & live a more Christian-like daily life
thanks to mr d yung, i have been praying the hours... well at first i did pray it at least every morning, or the evening if i forgot the morning... then sometimes when waiting for buses/ MRTs... now only occasionally. whoops. haha. but! the general idea is there. it's really nice to take 5 mins in the morning in the day to ask God to bless your day, and as evinced many times, it really really works to smoothen the day. as for discernment, all i have discerned so far is that it's all going to be ok no matter what i pick. no further details have been given, i guess i'll just have to trust in that & make a logical choice that i wont regret and i feel at peace with before i click SUBMIT. ie, submit it all to God & not to the nebulous portal. although i do have to, literally, press submit in the website too...

3. run 2x per week instead of 1 time, and SIGN UP FOR THE END OF YEAR MARATHONS on time
nah. i didnt run any marathons. and i barely run 1x per week. maybe 2x per month. LOL. but i've managed to keep fit despite not gymming much this year. i think its something to do with running from one end of the hospital to the other, esp in sgh where all the blocks are super spread out. people have told me that med is good exercise & i agree, cept the more u walk from block to block the more depressing it is, because clearly you aren't maximising your efficiency if ure constantly walking around LOL, while running gives endorphins!

4. write more poetry and bake more [CANT WAIT to put my newfound cookie decorating skillz to good use yo]
nah, nah. nah. i did write some good poetry though i think! the kind that makes me smile. and my friends still put up with my poetry after all these yrs! love love. 

5. continue to keep in touch with my friends who have continued to keep in touch with me all these years despite my extreme flakiness overall hehe. and who keep bringing sunshine, joy & laughter to my life even after so long!! it's so amazing. 

hmmmm. i guess i'm in touch with them but yknow physically MEETING up, except for those HOs/ MOs whom i always meet in the wards, lolol. it's been kinda a crazy busy yr filled with paeds, research, and electives, then i spent my really short break in korea. lol. NEXT YR FOR SURE GUYS. i just msged nic an apologetic msg about sth and added that i doubt i will have any more friends after mbbs so please be my friend still altho i cant go to her very awesome sounding party and she was like "that is not the way to sell it woman" hoho i have misseddd nic ++ 

6. find more atmospheric cafes to hang out with friends 
i went to strangers reunion!! and long list of places to go for brunchh. just need time now! 

7. somehow grow as a person so much so that 1 year from now i will feel more ready to be almost-a-doctor [since in 1 yr's time we'll be mugging for mbbs]
yep, mugging for that now. hmmmm this was a good resolution, i dunno if i have?! haha. i have definitely changed in terms of maturity since 1 year ago. sometimes i feel we play pretend dr so much during sip that eventually it does kinda mould u into that way of behaving (read: modelling good behavior from role models haha). or like when the nurses always ask us to order things cos they think we are HOs... i dont know how, but somehow be it SIP or growing older or what, as my friend astutely observed, we are beginning to look more and more like HOs. i dont feel that we looked like that even just 1 yr ago!! haha. after SIP, i feel confident about doing the clerical stuff of a HO. about resusing people... hm, not too sure. they did train us really well in simulation though, and i guess we can just bag & mask until help arrives haha. but to function as a basic ho i am quite confident. to be a super pro HO who is really efficient like an octopus i dunno la, but basic survival skills i can prob do it. :)

8. oh, and to PASS M4 PROS lol. looking forward to SIP much much

yep, passed those. SIP = UBER FUN. :):) i was kinda lousy during ortho sip tbh and even during id, but during med/ peds/ geri i think i improved! last sip starting in a few days, BRING IT ON. 

will think of new resolutions tmr!

Monday, December 30, 2013

1) i am slacking off +++ right now sigh
2) looking at the jitterbugs website for classes, but all the jazz/ contemp intro start at around 630/730pm... i'm fairly sure i wont be able to make it at that time for 6 weeks in a row LOL.

3) happened to read thru my old fb msges & felt really heartwarmed at it all. yknow sometimes, you can feel like... what was the purpose of all that human connection? friendships are so ephemeral & transient & when everyone is no longer on the same continent and on the peripheral visual fields, then everything is forgotten.... in fact i think i myself have forgotten, HAHA. and sometimes, even when we are on the same continent, that doesnt count for much either.... but also of course there are the peeps still around & can be found quite reliably by going to their wards :D  (best way to find a HO/MO btw). but anyway, reading thru the messages was like a really small slice of life, reminding me of the beauty in the transient, ephemeral friendships of the past. im really blessed to have had friends & people around me who were so awesome. and of course there are peeps like kamin & wy who still fb msg me out of the blue. sweetest guys ever seriously

the reason why all these are impt to me is, i mean... dont humans wonder? if we were to dissappear one day, what would the people around us think & feel? would we be missed? would the years spent with people, hanging out & doing crazy stuff, be fondly remembered, or would it just dissipate quietly into the echoes of the wind? so in a way, its kinda like a 1/5th life review... have i done enough, in this life, to make an impression in the lives of others? i hope i didnt traumatise anyone, lol. im sure some people traumatised me, but i guess when we break in one place, we become stronger after (if we survive that). there's some quote about that somewhere. i think i did pretty okay actually, with this life so far. maybe its never good to base anything on what people think of you; actually DEFINITELY we shouldnt, since: EPHEMERAL. but i think its just one facet of life. & in this facet of life, after so many yrs, i conclude that ive actually done an ok job of being human. & thats really impt to me.

believed in time

woke up today & my faith in humanity was restoredd

all the overflowing acts of random kindnessess around

i have decided that this route should be the most pure & well meaning one ever. no doubts about it. no going halfway. no selling of the soul.

thank you __ for the sms that restored my faith in humanity haha

we love because he first loved us

yesterday, i went back to clerk & met a reaally interesting patient. it wasnt like an mbbs long case clerking, we were kinda held there as he philosophized about life & God and... man & God... and you get the idea haha. but it was also very eye opening...he was telling us the bits & pieces that we woulda need to construct the summary anyway "____yr old man, presented with ____, with a sig pmhx of ____, s/p _____, social wise______, now for conservative/ surgical mx of ____" but filling it all up with the broad strokes of beliefs, worries, motivations, family, love, that makes up him. he said that usually he doesnt like to talk to med students cos they just want to clerk him to present the case to their seniors, & we shld ask pts about their hobbies, their families, their lives, cos that makes up them, not the disease. such true words. & as he went on to preach about God to my clerking partner (lolol) i felt really moved for some reason.... this is someone who is suffering from lots of conditions & he wants US to know God & be happy & contented in him. this is one of those things i dont know how to describe but.... God was there that day in that ward, trying to teach us something about life & medicine. that's what i felt v strongly. quite glad it was a holiday and not the final week before mbbs so we could take time to listen without feeling rushed.

yesterday was such a fruitful day :):) i DROVE to sch & back, i gymmed, i went to church & we came back to a lovely homecooked meal :) that warm feeling of everyone crowded around the dining table, digging into hot cheesy plates of food. nom. & at night i mugged foot drop (finally) & watched reply 1994 which is LOVE. it kinda reminds me of those heady days of hopeless romanticism; where you really believe in pumpkins & in fairy tales coming true. like if you just run in one direction, then love will find you, or, get this, that it will drop down from above (lolol). i dont regret those days at all though! crazy idealism has its place.

okay off to mugg before teaching at night! so happy we have extra days of holiday woots

Saturday, December 28, 2013

saturdays

are made for waking up late, going for jazz dance, shopping, eating yummy desserts

:):)

you know you used to go to the gym excessively when you walk into jazz dance after nearly 1 yr of absence and the teacher halfway thru the warmup says "oh e is back!" lolol. love jazz dance so much! well it definitely is jazz dance cept it also definitely is the same style as ever, since it's all choreoed by the same person haha. nevertheless, really missed the warmups, the floor work, and all the lines & grace of it all. it is really the most happifying form of dance known to mankind, i feel. i should go more often! but my teacher is always globe-trotting, i literally need to check his fb the night before going to ensure that he will be in sg haha.

on another note, some days you wake up all ready to conquer the world!! some other days you wonder WHY. some days you're all going with the flow, the skies seem really blue & the clouds really white.

and of course, no matter what it is, desserts make it a better world to live in. thank you God for sweet things (i promise not to eat too much of them though, heh)

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

christmas pudding :)

hi world,
am currently feeling very merry indeed & full & happy, status post an amaaaazing christmas lunch. i strongly suspect it's something to do with the cognac in the christmas pudding, heh.

it was the usual stuff we always have at christmas/newyrs and things really but i was really not intending on having much of a break this hols. how could i, when i'm not even stuffing things into my head, but learning things that i learnt before and completely forgot?! (read: surgery). somehow though, what with GE, and the holiday, i ended up taking a few days off, hehehe. i think i badly needed the break though! yesterday went to orchard to pick up some christmas presents & it was paradoxically really nice squeezing thru the crowds. plus, paying for books at kino always makes my day~ and today was christmas mass plus lunch after. the desserts were the bomb i swear. food bringing pple tgt :)

christmas really is such a nice season. of hope, of happiness. even if you dont stay in a place with snow, you cant help but conjure up a picture of a wintry wonderland. this christmas, even tho im not wandering through the christmas markets with a cup of hot chocolate or crepes or angus beef (lol), i think its a pretty awesome one. couldnt help but thank God for the past 6 yrs. just a few months more & the final hurdle will be over! lights at the end of this really long tunnel.  :)

Monday, December 23, 2013

thoughts v 100

such a nice clerking day :):) in btw lectures, went to ttsh and bumped into super alot of my old HOs/ MOs; its like meeting old friends lol. literally the NICEST mos ever lydia & michael, who not only gave us good cases but actually walked us thru the cases after we had examined short case style. felt like it was the land of milk & honey. ttsh truly is an awesome teaching place, such happy memories of im there + electives. if i pass mbbs, truly it's thanks to the teaching i've had at ttsh.

note: the following is me struggling with myself, trying to work out how self-preservatory i should be vs my really sincere wish to make this quest for mbbs something which i do not sell my soul for. 

as mbbs approaches, i actually feel my competitive self-preservative instincts, or whatever such instincts i may have, popping up. i struggled a little while with this and came to this conclusion. i dont think that we have to be totally self sacrificial to the point of bending backwards for others; while we certainly COULD, it would get tiring really fast and we wouldnt be able to fulfil our normal duties properly. like i could be an awesome friend like i have never been & never will be, and end up being a really terrible daughter. that's clearly a choice i have had to make before & clearly i know where my priorities lie. similarly, my purpose in all this is to pass the exam, but yet also i dont have to give out cases like candy, but yet should not hoard cases. i really spent v long wondering what is the best course & decided that if i have totally just overclerked someone (like the one the awesome lydia spent really long teaching us on today), in good conscience i should not randomly give the case to random people passing by (esp since i later passed a prof taking our batchmates on the same patient)... unfortunately i was in my usual -generous- mood & gave L the case... lolol... well i dont know if he really saw the patient or not. i should definitely give it to the other half of my cg (but all of them are overseas/ ponned today haha). i should very definitely share it with whoever are my clerking partners for the day. and if it's a good case but not overclerked and in hopes that i havent traumatised the pt overly, well definitely if i pass by someone who i know is an awesome human being who deserves the case & who has given me cases in the past (like kharsuan gave us so many gd cases during electives in m4 omg.), then i should give it to them too. if i think the patient is just overclerked, i should in good conscience not pass the case on. 

but in general i still believe in sharing cases. short of looking thru all the files ourselves which would exhaust anyone, or being as lucky as today to meet 3 of the nicest hos/ mos ever who also has good cases (luck which doesnt happen every day, i literally cannot describe the joy when i saw my SGH mo in the middle of TTSH, hahaha), i mean, unless we share cases around, its going to be really hard-going & everyone alr has so little time.

and apart from that, i think that i dont need to bend over to be self sacrificial cos honestly no one likes someone who is self sacrificial anw LOL. as long as i dont do anything contraband to my own morals & make people happy for like 10s, i'm good i feeeel.

okay random thoughts version 100 end
apart from this, productive day, learnt alot today. how much will stick, i dont know though. but i dont care, 2 days of total slackdom awaits me!!

merry christmas all :) let's all have happy hols

Sunday, December 22, 2013

superman

i have no idea what to do after mbbs. quite literally.

well i'm definitely hoping i'll pass, but i've at least managed to give that worry up to God haha.

grad trip with cg - out, cos i've gone to all the places before. i briefly regretted it but then again i had such an awesome italian trip that was the first one i organized all by myself!! that i couldnt really regret such awesome memories. paris was kinda a collaborative effort between all of us & bordeaux was not really that hard to organize but italy was totally organized by me, after reading eat pray and love one afternoon in borders, i just went home & booked the air tickets, rail tickets & bed & breakfasts. *in awe of my past self*. haha.

i think nowadays im more cautious? like *hmmm is it safe to stay in the nice tangerine farm?! in the rural countryside of korea? like how on earth are we even going to get there? like is it okay to arrive at 11pm in the middle of seoul, even if ive been to that guesthouse before? how am i going to get around jeju without a car?!* maybe i'm actually getting less spontaneous as time goes by, zomg. or maybe mbbs leaves me with little brain space to plan all these. anyway, all these didnt stop me from creating an extremely detailed plan, except that n.korea is threatening AGAIN, not really sure what though. why WHY. zzz

okay so thoughts turned to the camino (again). but i have no more brainspace to plan.... and yes its really good to walk it i'm sure but i really wanna do something concrete. like after i walk the whole thing, i'm 100% sure of my conclusions: i want to do God's work, i want to do mission trips, i want to do charity stuff, all things i want to do but have never ever done. half of it is due to external factors but most of it is due to... ME. RAHHH. okay, except doing God's work, which, God willing once i pass mbbs, i can actually slog away everyday as a ho and at least get some small comfort from the fact that i'm doing God's work helping people. but currently as an intern, not exactly.

two weeks, what shall i do with those 2 weeks?!

dont even get me started on my life after those 2 weeks, i'm utterly clueless about that too.

okay what i do know is this
1) i really want to teach sunday school!
d told me that i'm far from being spiritual enough which sadly i agree but yknow i think it's gonna take a really long time for me to level up. i think i can teach p1 kids that God is love and He loves us, pretty much? oh and about easter & christmas. i have a dream of organizing an amazing easter egg hunting thing. i think this is because i have really vivid memories of finding easter eggs at my own easter egg hunting years ago, LOL.

2).... okay, i dont know anything else. i think anything involving kids is pretty much a good idea cos i love kids, but then again it's not my choice to make. i mean i can make the choice in the portal but God's will be done.

3) i still dont know what to do about my holiday. i think i deserve a holiday though, because... HOLIDAY. maybe i'll just hold off on the tix first. something i always believe is that if something comes from God, He will make it happen. i do love the idea of camino but reading about it... i dont feel prepared at all for it. & id like to prepare a bit more for it. and also reading about it makes me itch to do something concrete & good. i know i'll go to the camino someday, just not in 2014. for korea, i do love it & i do want to spend a few days looking at flowers & scenery just chillaxing (if any holiday for me can involve chillaxing... it usually involves alot of organizing stress.) i just need that extra boost of THIS IS IT confirmation & of plans falling into place. yea i'm not always the most grace-filled person but even so i like to have peace before i proceed. so waiting on that :)

i really have a crazy dream of teaching sunday school. i really do NOT know why, so please dont ask me. God doesnt call those who are equipped, he equips the called haha. not that im saying i am special~ just that... i really have this crazy idea that theyll really welcome a pediatrician to help out in their outings/ camps/ things like that. call me crazy, yeah i know. there's a history of all my random wishes like this coming true years down the road. but anyway, i dont think i can suddenly start teaching sunday school just like that, it takes ages to train & they dont run on mbbs schedule. neither can i impose my weird exam schedules on people. (i guess my weird working schedule in the future isnt great either, but we'll come to that when the time comes...).

in summary: i think my dilemna about what to do actually mirrors my confusion about what to do with my life. which... i try to think i've let God handle it all but in actuality i'm thoroughly confused. i can say over & over again that it's not my decision but ultimately i need to make a choice whenever the portal opens. which i dont even know when it's opening. i'm not actively stressed about it (klearly not since i can plan for holidays so extensively) but i think it's kinda like an undercurrent. of the theme of God, where do you want me to go? what do you want me to do with this life?

and the answer lies in what the priest told me at confession the other day. it's really simple - be a joy to others

simple as that.
you dont need to climb mountains, or earn millions
you dont need dream residencies

you just need to bring joy to others

that's all i want to do.

dear God, please help me remember that when i make the choice on that day & also when i decide how to spend the 2 weeks after exams. 

okay i should study sebaceous cysts & stop getting distracted by holiday plans. LOL. what will be, will be.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

strong tower

this may not be the MOST RELAXING CHRISTMAS BREAK EVER, but it's definitely one that is super appreciated & enjoyed

sleeping late, waking up late, going for a morning run & lazing around in the afternoon = I LIKE. 

of course the perfect slackerdom would include lots of long & lazy brunch catchups at hipster cafes with friends over coffee, but, i guess cant always have everything sigh. i'll be glad if i still have friends after mbbs is over, HAHA. nah just kiddin, i know there are some peeps that will always be there. at the very least i'll have nat, my fellow lit turned med compartriate ;p 

have been furiously mugging surg since geri ended, but actually i think its a bit of... diminishing returns. my brain really needs a break. i think i'll take at least a few days to just slack off *gasp shock horror* i can always go spam day surg during my surg posting! 

anyway had confessions yesterday. me " confess confess confess" nice old angmoh priest "why dont you tell me something good about yourself!" me *stares at him* "but this is confession!" angmoh priest "its okay, come think of one or two good things!" LOL totally caught me off guard. first time anyone's said that to me during confession. 

food for thought though, actually not just thought; ACTION. i think i AM capable of being a joy to others, that is, when i'm not mired in desperation, self doubt, sleepiness, uncertainty; or just bristling at the latest something or other. SO. i mean all these things are transient. i doubt i remember much of the past 24 yrs anyway (priest: so how old are you anyway? teenage? me: uh im 24... priest: AHHH YOU'RE NO LONGER A CHILD!! you must act like a growunup then! lol really most amusing confession ever). so since our memories are so transient, we might as well choose to live this life in happiness. easier said than done, but it's worth a shot... 

plan for the rest of the week
wed
sebaceous cysts
lectures at ktph then play w kids hehehe

thurs
ortho ortho ortho
then gym at night

fri
dental
?ortho/ sleep/ surg
(i might just end up bumming ++) 

sat/ sun/ mon
neuro lectures + surg lectures
mon prob go ttsh to clerk + meetup with colin

tues + wed
CHRISTMAS. food, family, church. roast chicken & log cakes & christmas carols :):) 

sounds like a plan!

my aim for the dunno how many days btw now & mbbs is to plan my time properly so i dont get grumpy & snap at people easily. and to stop spending my days dragging myself from one point to another and continually whinging about how i dun wanna go to schooool (usually at 6am) & how i want to sleeeeep and blah blah blah. i think sleep is really impt for QoL just FYI. VERY IMPT. 

Sunday, December 15, 2013

compass



such a lovely performance!

Lady antebellum's compass is awesome too

Yea it's been a bumpy road
Roller coasters high and low
Fill the tank and drive the car
Pedal fast, pedal hard
You won't have to go that far
You want to give up cause it's dark
We're really not that far apart
So let your heart sweetheart be your compass when you're lost
And you should follow it wherever it may go
When it's all said and done you can walk instead of run
'Cause no matter what you'll never be alone

~

looove lazy sunday afternoons. desperately need to unwindd. 

playhouse later yay

Friday, December 13, 2013

freedom never tasted so sweet!

managed to study hernia in the med student room just now.
this weekend i shall mug
- IO
- PVD
- breast
- lumps & bumps

must buck up +++ surg sip coming!

my main resolutions are:
1. volunteer for every tutorial no matter how chui i am, hahaha
2. clerk alot of cases (we get banned from wards after surg ends!! argh)
3. SLEEP BY 10PM EVERY NIGHT.

oh and try to do lotsa bloods and urinary caths and plugs and abgs. i'm actually fairly ok at ABGs so far (compared to plugs). and im fine with bloods if i take from the antecubital vein with vacutainer and butterfly. unless people want me to set plug plus do bloods and blood culture all at the same time to save poking the pt many times... then of course it gets abit harder haha

anyway we got some results back. i'm literally in the middle (as uuusal). what can i say, if i get intoresidency it's literally a miracle. haha! nvm nvm dont fret over things we can't control

ok just pass mbbs first, then residency/ho yr wherever God wants me to go, then the rest, well we'll just wait till then. going for a run now :)

Thursday, December 12, 2013

subsonic

GERI EOPT IS OVER!! just one more 6am wakeup call then it's HOLIDAYS~ which may or may not actually end up being holidays but oh well at least it's not organized school where we have to turn up and do whatever the timetable says. so looking forward to living life on my own terms, own timetable & not rush from place to place feeling bounded to organized chaos.

okay so geri.... a turning point for me came when i had the epiphany that i should see God in every patient. then somehow it became a little easier to wake up at 6am and go pre-round. i'm not kidding. that super ups the meaningful ante. and LOL also my ward cons know that i wanna do paeds, and keep teasing me about it ;p particularly when i said "hmm.... psm at the llse. my top differential is.... VSD?" they just about died of laughter.

despite being really chronically exhausted (what's new anyway), i really enjoyed this posting far more than i had initially expected. i love how the nurses seem to think we are doctors? and ask us to order drugs or update us on patients (i usually escalate things to my seniors no worries, but it kinda makes me feel like a HO hehe). since im always hanging out in the MO room anyway, they always pop their head in to look for me, or grab me in the corridors. it feels so nice! like im always in teh loop. i guess this is sth i didnt really get in gen med cos its more like putting on a show every am presenting the cases to the con, but i didnt really feel responsible for the patients per se (plus my pts in gen med were actually usually quite stable). after the multi-dip meeting which they ask us to present at, the PTs/ OTs/ STs/MSWs also kinda become like our friends which is nice :):)

one more posting before mbbs, its an understatement to say that im underprepared.... i am giving it all to God of course but i think i need to at least read andre tan one time, not to mention burkitts or baileys.

for now, let's revel in the joy of HOLS. CHRISTMAS HOLS. *super happy*

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

northern lights

geri eopt tomorrow! will reflect properly on the past 3 weeks after that. it's been a very good learning experience overall :) i also set more plugs than in the entire medicine posting (this is not a very high number either way but.... also, i still suck at setting plugs in the dorsum of the hand. anyway. its hard to set plug and do blood culture at the same time okay! the nurses hovering around were quite helpful i must say haha but also rather stressful, it's SO obvious that i haven't done that many in my lifetime particularly. but they were v nice abt it.)  it was really difficult getting up at 6am every morning and dragging myself to pre-round but: learning ++

been looking at pictures of northern lights. WANNA GO. sigh

Monday, December 9, 2013

not there



the rapper actually got mysteriously cut out from this version. how symbolic haha
~

Then will someone tell me?
That it’s okay to cry?
When you said things would just get harder if we try
Maybe you already knew of today and told me
I’ll remember everything so you can forget it all

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Its sunday & im breathing :) one more week to christmas hols!!

Sometimes we just gotta believe that God is going to sweep away all our past mistakes & look forward to the future. I think clearly everyone has issues & its abt how one deals with them. Sometimes once something triggers it you can go into a really weird mood and stuff but yknow these times are different and there isnt really any time for all that

I think I have successfully convinced myself to leave residency to God, but with other areas of my life im still holding tightly onto the reins and driving in the wrong directions. The problem is that I never know which is the right direction and actually there never are any signposts along the way. And even if they are, historically they are more like magic wardrobes leading to narnia. I need reality, im done with fairy wonderlands forevermore.

90 days to mbbs really is no joke. Its good to face these issues now and steel myself to not get sucked into a whirlwind from thence onwards.

I am going to be a robot! A nice robot klearly. I hope. Haha.

Giving to God all the joys & the hurts, thanking him for the roses and their thorns, but asking for immunity to the thorns just for a little whilst more. Armor against all that so I candevote my neurons to more impt things.

miracles in december



such a pretty song. first exo song i actually like

i spent really long trying to decide who this song evokes for me. i guess the person that songs evoke for me has now officially changed (thank goodness for that).

even i cant believe that i changed like this
i didn't know how thankful your love was
i thought it would stop once it ended 
~
thank you for believing in me when i didnt believe in myself. thank you for being someone i could always depend on, something i knew was real. maybe what i did wasn't right (when do i ever do anything right anyway, HAHA). but i just wanted to preserve that memory as something real forever. i have many regrets & many things i insist are right even though this world tells me it is not societally acceptable, but i do know this much, that if i could have not told you what i did that night, i would take it back. everything else i have said & done in my past i know that if i could replay it again, i would do it exactly the same. except those words. 

i think the timing was wrong & i dont know if there'll ever be a right timing ever again. probably not, but who knows, God willing. it's not just the timing, people's hearts change. i dont think you're ever going to know this, but i'm actually a different person now. i think i probably became a better person, since then. but anyway, thank you for seeing the goodness in me in a time when i didnt really have that much of it inside me. 

Saturday, December 7, 2013

dear cloud - perfect

today was SUCH a happy clerking day!!

weekend started so well with kee's pump on friday once i had escaped from neverending hids + an invite to clerk on saturday, which obviously: MBBS IN 90DAYS so, yeah.

tons of cases + met like half the class merrily clerking away (can someone say "frittered away weekends" again sigh).

met HL, may, and prof T! soo nice to meet them :):) well its a testament to our sad lives that our meetups are all when we are in hosp on a saturday LOL but it felt almost like all the old crazy times again. and i really did so many crazy things with these people. haha. HL and ML that is.  prof T "you should come at sunday 6pm, all the pre-op cases come in then!" not sure if he's just pulling our leg lolol later we really gullibilly come at sunday 6pm?! but no. i am so not coming back at that time. kept meeting this uro mo who actually listened to us presenting uro cases & even brought us to a comp to show us the MRI scans. so nice!

after that, there was a cupcake. YUM. way to make my day haha.

& may told me colin is doing electives so fbed him, ahh i missed having long discussions w him that go round & round hahaha colin... shall go catch up with him one of these days when i go back ttsh to clerk. :):)  now i come to think of it, he was the one person i could tell everything to in that time i was the most stressed ever. he listened to all my crap & really really tried to help. thank u dude. u have no idea how much u probably contributed to my sanity.

AND of course as i was on my way home, feeling really productive with all the clerking & happy to meet old friends, it made me think of what i have now & i must say that i feel really really blessed :) just wanted to say that. thank u guys for tolerating me x almost 4 yrs now and laughing at (the majority of) my jokes HAHA, thank u for accepting me, thank you for making nus so happy for me. really thank God for all my med school friends both old & new (two times more friends!)

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

christmas came early

my very quickly written piece will be published on the cmgdr's blog!! somehow, this means even more to me than my poem being published, hahaha. feels so nice to know that such a positively encouraging moment for me will hopefully be able to encourage & inspire others as well. 3 simple words but yet, the most beautiful 3 words in the world (and no the most beautiful 3 words are not I love you. they are.... read my article ;p)

i have also chosen what residency i want to apply for (i think, it keeps changing.. haha).

& now is officially 3 months to mbbs. SIGH. lots to say, mostly along the lines of ARGHHH!! but somehow the comforting words in the email makes me feel better.

and the happy, happy memory. literally, from the mouths of babes.

this is why i want to do paediatrics

i know that this choice is the right one. finally. :):)

1.5 more weeks of the current posting then... christmas REALLY comes!!

Sunday, December 1, 2013

surely you put your trust in the Lord

(dare i say it - i just wanna go on a mission trip after mbbs. but i need to find one. fingers crossed God will pop something up if that is his will.

that is my secret desire.

not to walk the way of st james - although i want to do that too.

but to actually do something....)

http://www.cmg.org.sg/surely-you-put-your-trust-in-the-lord/
"This totally unexpected phrase pierced right through my heart and tears welled up instantly.
She was NOT asking me if I put my trust in the Lord, but said, SURELY I put my trust in the Lord.
Is this a message from God?
Why would anyone SUDDENLY say such a thing?
The catholic doctor in me smiled, and turned towards the computer to type out her prescription, hoping my eyes would be dry by the time I finish.
“As a catholic patient,” she continued, “I always put my trust in the Lord. I say, Lord, heal me.”"
the cmg website is such a gem.

how many times have i been going about my daily life & someone will say something random like this, and i'm left wondering: why would anyone suddenly say such a thing?

halfway through a tutorial a little girl walks up to me and gives me a message "God loves you"

before clerking a patient with headache for my tutor in the field i have always wanted to pursue "may mother Mary be with you" i hear from someone passing momentarily behind me. i turn around to tell the person that headache history can't be that difficult! but i'm not sure which of the clinic assistants or nurses it may be. the words ring in my mind the whole consult

buying bread at prima deli, & the person behind the counter tells me "you're catholic, right?" seeing i'm stunned, she smiles and points at what im wearing round my neck

i must live my life in a way that, i live up to this. i dont want to feel ashamed knowing what im doing cannot possibly live up to what a catholic, christian doctor should be like. i dont actually wear the medallion or crucifix (actually i havent worn my cross for awhile, must really go find it!!) so that people can identify me & make encouraging out of the blue remarks at strategic times & locations. i wear it so that i feel that God is with me and protecting me from temptations/ the world/ myself doing stupid things. just so that i feel the assurance that God is with me. but if people do identify me, i want to be able to not feel ashamed of myself. -me? how could i possibly look anything but just exhausted, at the end of my tether, almost ready to disintegrate into disorganization or fall asleep, wondering when the next starbucks drink is on the horizon?

the answer isn't 42

this was the scripture reflections for the cmg mass reccently:

http://www.cmg.org.sg/scripture-reflections/#more-2306

some quotes.... ok actually i ended up copying and pasting nearly the whole thing.
this is awesomeness. please read.

"Firstly, the temptation to material rewards and fame. In a society that is as affluent as ours, there is a real and subtle tendency to succumb to the lure of material rewards, money and fame. However the first reading tells us that God “shows no respect of personages to the detriment of a poor man, he listens to the plea of the injured party. He does not ignore the orphan’s supplication, nor the widow as she pours out her story.” Hence, being God’s Healing Ministers, physicians are to care especially for the poor and not only those who can afford medical treatment. In tandem, neither should medical service or research be undertaken for the purpose of fame and recognition.

Thirdly, there is de-humanization of the role of doctors. Medicine is seen as a business enterprise rather than a relationship of care, since it has to do with payment and compensation. Physicians are seen as “suppliers and contractors” and patients as “clients”. In addition, healing has taken on a new cloak of fiercely publicized “immortality” with an unhealthy emphasis on aesthetic medicine. Medicine is no longer primarily practiced to promote life but to pander to vanity. In order to stay relevant or attractive, doctors are pressurized to be competitive and to go along with the change and demands of society.

With the above challenges in the changing face of medicine, how then can Catholic doctors be faithful to the Hippocratic Oath, and most of all to God who has chosen and entrusted them with this Ministry of Healing – to mediate His love, compassion and most of all to uphold and protect the sanctity of life?Jesus told His townsfolk at Nazareth, “You will surely say unto me this proverb, ‘Physician, heal thyself’’ whatsoever we have heard done in Capernaum, do also here in thy country.” So before we can heal others, we need to heal ourselves as medical professionals. What does this entail?
Firstly, we need to grow in the humility of the tax collector. We need to be on guard when we become proud of ourselves and our achievements like the Pharisees. Instead of becoming arrogant with our knowledge and skills, we need to recognize that we are merely stewards. When we know our place in creation, we become aware of our nothingness, and are grateful to God for the gifts that He has blessed us with. Let us not forget that the motto of medicine is “Not pride of knowledge but humility of wisdom!”
Secondly, Catholic doctors must strengthen their faith, both in their personal relationship with God and educate themselves with regard to the doctrines and moral teachings of the Church. A regular prayer-life is most important as you are faced with many demands and decisions concerning life and treatment options, which require both strength and discernment, which can be imparted to you by the Holy Spirit in prayer.
Thirdly, it is a timely reminder therefore, that a good doctor is more than someone with professional knowledge, skills and armed with the latest evidence-based medicine. Science cannot replace the human person. A good doctor is truly good when besides his skills, he has a heart of compassion and empathy for his patients and is able to allay the fears and their anxieties. Perhaps, this is one of the greatest challenges facing the Catholic physician today with the fragmentation of health care and erosion of the doctor-patient relationship. The human person is made up not only of body but also of mind and spirit. Doctors are called to care holistically, not just for the body but for the whole person. Hence, Catholic doctors must look to Jesus in ministering to the sick, praying for the gift of love and compassion, which is the essence of the Heart of the Good Shepherd. For the first reading reminds us that God is compassionate, especially to the poor and broken-hearted. “The just call and the Lord hears and rescues them in all their distress. The poor man called; the Lord has heard him. The Lord is close to the broken-hearted; those whose spirit is crushed he will save. The Lord ransoms the souls of his servants. Those who hide in him shall not be condemned.”

~
“Thank you, Lord, for the trials that come my way. In that way I can grow each day as I let you lead,
And thank you, Lord, for the patience those trials bring. In that process of growing, I can learn to care.
…….
I thank you, Lord, with each trial I feel inside, that you’re there to help, lead and guide me away from wrong.
‘Cause you promised, Lord, that with every testing, that your way of escaping is easier to bear.
…….
I thank you, Lord, for the victory that growing brings.
In surrender of everything life is so worth while.
And I thank you, Lord, that when everything’s put in place, out in front I can see your face, and it’s there you belong.”
source: cmg blog

poor sense of direction

i have no idea what to do with my life once mbbs ends
i dont know what specialty & where to apply for
i don't know where to go for the 2 weeks break or if i should go at all.

there must be a way to find all the answers to life.

i dont know what it is.

what i do know is:
even if a posting is not the most exciting and fulfiling ever, God is in every patient & that's why im in this line. i'm not in it to be a high flyer or a winner. last night i had this epiphany & i was totally ashamed of myself & the way i've been drifting like a fast car. when you think of it as God being in every patient & how you can reverse every reversible cause & make everything the best you can, it all starts to become really meaningful. it's not just about how cute your patient is or how exotic is the disease, it's seeing everyone as a precious child of God, someone he loves & cherishes. then whether you get to present to the consultant or not, whether you get tiptop marks or not, doesn't matter. perspective. honored to be part of this at all. felt so ashamed of myself, that somehow in between all the struggling to get in, that i let all these material achievements overshadow the real point. never let me forget this. 

i think this lunafly song's title is suitable for my life:


dear God, it's me, please help me figure out what to do with my life.
Yours Sincerely, E.

Saturday, November 30, 2013

its saturday. i'm breathing. i'm blessed.



heard this song on the radio when i was driving to hosp one day. nice :)

many things to think about (as always). not doing as much in sip as i should be. i cant decide is it me or is it the surroundings or is it both. but we can't change our surroundings we can only change ourselves. i'm really tiring of this continually running forward.

i'm backsliding. sliding from where to where and in what way im not really sure. but i definitely can feel myself sliding precipitatiously down some unclear slope.

when one part goes, everything goes. you end up inefficient, snapping at everyone, mired in self doubt.

what happened to perfect love casts out fear?!

one step at a time. step 1: give it to God
i do realise that what im doing right now, even if it isnt my most fav part of medicine, is actually really meaningful. i actually know that and i actually do like the patients, they are all really cute and nice and all. i actually find a lot of meaning in optimizing them and i do feel that God is behind this whole specialty. i think that my ennui has a lot to do with exhaustion, stress and just generally the organ of determination and enthusiasm getting a little bit worn out. and unfortunately coffee prn isn't actually enough. i'll have to try chocolate prn. or running prn?

its funny how sometimes everything falls into place & u feel so useful & u also manage to outwardly show ur usefulness instead of just working behind the scenes. it's funny how sometimes it doesnt either. i guess its alot to do with luck and chance.

but i think whatever it is, i must make an effort, even if it kills me.

because if not, this will kill me. not physically, but it takes a toll mentally, spiritually, and just generally.

if i try & get rebuffed, then at least i can say i tried.
if i jump across an abyss and fall, at least i tried to cross the chasm.

step2: clear communication
this speaks for itself

step 3: bank of knowledge
step 4: physical time. come at 6am if i must.
step 5: emotional happiness
i think being happy is good, for obvious reasons. but staying up late to watch dramas to happify myself and negate negative things is... ESCAPISM and makes me sleepy the next day. i just need to find a quick happiness fix. which i dont know where to find it.

i guess sometimes its difficult to run to anyone (altho d on whatsapp is such. a. lifesaver) because everyone ultimately, does judge. and also i dont like emotionally depending or loading on anyone. and because you should be independant. and also people just like fun & games & no one likes negativity. but then again my whole life has been about turning not so funny things into funny things. useful defense mechanism huh. so it's not too bad. sometimes tho i just find myself wishing for someone i could run to to tell everything and... EVERYTHING but i think one human cannot suffice for everything. i think God is the One we should go to in such circumstances. humans can get compassion fatigue but God will never.

next week will be better :) i have faith in God.


Friday, November 29, 2013

It's really amazing how when you spend 5 mins a day in the morning to ask God for help & protect you from temptations thruout the day, things go so smoothly :)

Waking up earlier so u can actually round e pts less flurriedly also helps

Today my mo was eating baked beans which reminded me of pollock breakfasts ++  haha.

Tmr is bible study + brunch w a & n and weekend!!

TGIF ++

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

it's okay

the days pass by in a blur of haziness. i dont quite think i'm doing my best, whatever it is
maybe this is post-euphoria syndrome kinda like post holiday syndrome

many things to think about, much of which i dont fully understand. suffice it to say that i really am not performing at 100% as a human being. i should be endlessly enthusiastic, compassionate and a paragon of peace. instead i am just really sleepy & inefficient. lots of things to do, but caught up in this ennui all of a sudden after three weeks of disneyland, is really blearifying

so i will talk about love today. watching reply 1994 really struck me like a baseball bat. friends & loves & being blinded by love &confessions. i guess i dont really wish to fall in crazy love, the kind where you shout your love from the rooftops & everyone thinks you're cuckoo. i guess i dont wish to have someone else control my emotions just by what they say or do, or the crazy mixed signals worse than morse code being flashed from a lighthouse by a manic lighthouse keeper. these things are strangely beautiful, in their own twisted way no doubt, but they are also things i dont particularly hanker to experience in the future. nevertheless, they are so beautiful. of confusion, circles of confusion. of people thinking they're helping me but yet not. but yet, i still feel grateful that they cared enough to try. at least i meant that much to someone in that time, enough to try. i guess whatever it is, even though every tide must subside, at the very least, to those who cared enough to spend those nights listening to me bare my soul, thank you. that is all. and years later, we're all sane again & happy & whole, and our past selves may continue along merrily, i hope

call me crazy, but i do believe there is beauty in these things

Saturday, November 23, 2013

a certain heart fluttering - r.a.d

something i am quite convicted about:

i have been calculating statistics, who goes where. but i think i shouldn't be swayed by that

the only qn must be: Where does God want me to go?

(in any case, the stats are equal for both. LOL)

above all things



the most momentous 3 weeks of my life have now officially ended
now all that's left to do is pass mbbs
apparently we only have 100 days
although to be very honest, i still dont know what i wanna do when i grow up
i'm quite satisfied with what i've done these 3 weeks
i wont look back with regret
moving forward
wherever i end up choosing and which ends up choosing me
i still have a long road of self-improvement & maturity
i think it sometimes can be really easy to tell others on hindsight, or to reassure yourself that whatever God wants, will come to be. as in, yes, i do believe that, but sometimes the fears & doubts & uncertainties just overwhelm. it's only human
and sometimes, like before these three weeks, i was able to let my peace cast away all those fears
but now, faced with the decision, questions & what-ifs & statistics flood my mind

all these what ifs
what if i dont get in as m5, it gets statistically worse
what if i pick them and they dont pick me
what if they pick me & i dont pick them

in times like this,
it isn't easy to let go of our human wants
you KNOW you should, but.... it's just human
but i guess i should try

there aren't any very obvious glaring signs
but then again, for me, it's always been a calling, something i knew in my heart, that directs my way. it's never been a well-lit path with clear signage. and the path has often been very, very rocky. 
the past both inspires & scares me
when i first came, i remember thinking that if God can do this, he can do anything, and if he wants me to, i can get into ___. 
but at the same time, with my history of un-linear pathways, and second chances, it really scares me. that i never really get into anything the first time round. 
dont get me wrong, i'm glad to eventually achieve my dreams despite not always fully deserving it
and i guess it does even out for not getting what i wished when i DID deserve it
it's just.... fear
honesty laid out, perfect love casts out fear, right? 

now that all's said & done, i think i need to go somewhere really quiet, away from the hustle & bustle of life, to ask God what he really wants me to do with this life
and whatever answer i hear
i'm going to write it down & seal it away and on 6th jan i will take it out and do what that says. 

and then, just trust. 
and try to pass mbbs. 
haha

and i thank God for giving me two choices, both of which are good, both of which i have had nice experiences in, with nice people & friendly residents.
and i trust that wherever i end up going, He will bring me through it
no matter what hardships i might experience
and for the security in knowing that we did a good job this SIP, and for really nice consultants
these things really arent always guaranteed, and hence, for these three weeks, no matter what i end up doing the rest of my life, i am eternally grateful

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

in christ alone



all i ask is to come out unscathed
and that Your will be done
if this is what you have called me to do, then it will be so
& if it is not, i accept that, and i pray that You show me what you want me to do then. 
but bless me tomorrow, no matter what it may be
& dear God, since i can never ever read the future & can only do my best to try and guess, please bless these plans i lay before you

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Stunned at the goodness of God

I made a lot of promises.
I will not forget them.


Saturday, November 16, 2013

epiphanies

i was reading cliff's blog and this stood out to me:
  • Why am I so bent on wanting to get ______ (insert the thing you want)?
  • Have we ever stopped and pondered why this one thing is so important in our lives?
  • Has this one thing become our identity?
  • Is our lives incomplete without it?

sometimes, when we want something a lot, it consumes us. everything becomes devoted to that. we feel like we will crumble and die if it doesn't come to pass. & it ends up being a false idol to us. i can identify with that. 

this will NOT be a false idol to me.
on another note, if i can make it out alive by next sat, i'll be quite happy. that's all i want. to be ALIVE one week from today 

electric eels

i was right, these three weeks have been & will be the most intense three weeks everr

it was really fun though!! i loved it. learnt a lot from the past two weeks. super exhausted everyday, just come home & crash, but still really happy.


these say it better than i can

this is for
all the times i knew that i could have done it better,
but got caught up in philosophizing &
didn't really focus on the meat of the matter
i'm going to do what i can
(hopefully without getting distracted)
& God will do the rest
& if i don't get it
then i'll know either it isn't His will
or he knows a better way to climb the mountain. 
i'm sure he does, cos i really, really suck at mountain climbing

Monday, November 11, 2013

love love love

feel slightly desperate at the prospect of mini-cex on wed. ughhh. but nevermind, just keep on mugging! plan for tonight: thal, DM, JIA, CP, DMD, zzzzzzz

i was really happy today :):) makes me want to work a hundred times harder. 


waffling

i really want to eat waffles

all Important emails finally sent, now can focus on my mini-cex which is THIS FRI.

ZOMG.

must pass (for obvious reasons), but how....

one thing at a time.

today's sermon came at an opportune time. we shouldn't carry our baggage with us. things might have happened a certain way in the past, but that doesnt mean it'll be like that in the future! let go of all the hurts and wrongdoings & be free. there was a lot more he said that was v good stuff unfortunately i can't remember any of it.

sigh okay must reach the ward before 7am cm!!


Sunday, November 10, 2013

platypus

really exhausting week, but yet feel really grateful that i've been learning a lot & given the opportunity to do a lot. the mos also always grab us aside to teach us things/ how to document properly in files/ present succinctly during ward rounds :)

two more weeks! i dont actually feel scared about what lies ahead, possibly cos im totally immune.

aim for today
1. finish typing out tutorials of the past week
2. try to sort out cardio
3. send in all the mandatory emails.

ps: to the dear kid who wrote me such an encouraging note, THANK YOU. you have no idea how much that encouraged me, and likely will for a long time. i can totally imagine on some night call in a few yrs time i'll be running from point A to B and i'll rmb how a 3 yo girl wrote a note to me telling me that God loves me.

good study yesterday with a & y :) thanks guys

Monday, November 4, 2013

internship

just makes me really really sleepy

to mug list
1. peds cardio
2. UTI


Sunday, November 3, 2013

always be there



the next three weeks
i give them all to God
if the past 24 years have taught me anything,
its that God loves me & he's looking out for me 
(for us all, really)
he will NOT give me a stone if i ask for bread
i will NOT fall into a drain when looking up into heaven 
(i might walk into a glass door though, like the day i went to pick up my poster...)
but it'll be okay. i'll survive. haha!

i used to wonder, how can i overcome all these insurmountable hurdles
the answer is that, simply, i can't
my determination isn't enough, my human will isn't enough
it's literally impossible
my help comes from the Lord

here we go :) 
may whatever happen be the option by which i can do God's work; the work for which he created me and put me onto this earth
that's my only prayer
& may i accept whatever it is graciously
this.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

that's life

I think my share of hard times, trials and dark nights
Are starting to wear on my soul
The pain can bring you purpose, a fire can leave you burning
But lately I've been feeling cold

But this has been my life, the good and the bad times
Leaving me a little broken inside

I guess that's life
It's complicated, awkward, it's a fight
With happiness and laughter intertwined,
It's tension and redemption in this life
We labor just to leave it all behind
Then lay the mysteries and memories aside
To step into the light
That's life

I can hear you whisper, I know you're drawing nearer
But I could not fall further away
And I don't know why I keep dreaming that one day life gets easy
Cause I don't want that anyway

Oh, I want real life, the good and the bad times
Cause it's how I know Your hope is alive



awesome song :):)


Friday, November 1, 2013

promises

I'm miles away from seeing the story You're writing
When You give and You take, it's hard to embrace the timing
When I'm watching the walls burn to the ground around me
Just wanna know what it is You're trying to show me

I will walk through the fires of life
I will wait in the darkest of nights
I will follow You into the fight
If that's where You'll lead me
I don't know what You want me to see
But I know where You want me to be
Close to You with nothing between

I'm starting to see why this is called the narrow road
Cause if I wanna walk this way, oh I've gotta stay close
I'll leave anything in the fire to bring us together
I want nothing between my soul and my Savior

If it comes between You and me
Let it burn cause You're all I need





leap of faith

This too shall pass oh but it always comes back
And it's knocking upon your door
You say how did you find me here
Cause I've been running for years

Now you're back in the same place
You've been here before
Stuck in a maze trying to find an open door
Pray for the strength and take a leap of faith

You fail in your mind long before you ever try
Why do you believe those lies
You love to drown your fears
But you've been drowning for years in tears

So what are you waiting for
Cause there is a Saviour waiting to save you
What are you drowning for

leap of faith - sanctus real 

~

PRAY FOR THE STRENGTH AND TAKE A LEAP OF FAITH

these lyrics speak to me so much. i've lived years of my life in fear. this year, i'm trying a mindset shift. maybe not the best year to do so, hahaha

but these words keep resonating in my mind: GOD WILL PROVIDE. 
~

on a random note, medicine posting is officially over!! it was surprisingly one of the best postings EVER. nice HOs, nice MOs, nice regs. nice personal supervisors!! quite glad we personally gave them their cards today actually + chocolate. they really went out of their way to find time to teach us things and show us signs. it ended really nicely, with watching a cool procedure, seeing a cool case in the morning, a lovely lunch at one of my fav places, and managing to find nice patients to practice long case on (plus seeing some really gouty tophi). and for the SIP portion, as i've mentioned before, we got really very close to the HOs and they let us do lots of stuff, and it just feels really nice. they kept telling me they trusted me haha which was really nice to hear. like...someone trusts ME?!! wow, first time i've heard that. pwahaha

paeds is coming up next. suffice it to say that i leave it and everything about the future wholly to God, who can undoubtedly manage it better than i can myself. i was pondering this the other day when running, and decided, that nevertheless, some things one must take into one's own hands, like perhaps if i want to reach botanics in 35mins i need to speed up NOW; and promptly stumbled over an unseen crevice on the sidewalk. i'm NOT EVEN KIDDING. so i leave it all to him :) for my part, i'm just going to have lots of fun, play with lots of kids, make their time in the hospital more fun, make friends with the hos and hopefully make their life less stressful LOL. and hopefully catch some of the clinics in my fav subspec :) that's all i ask for. oh and to pass the mini cex! haha.

more sanctus real goodness: we will never give up

We will not lose heart
We will not lose hope
When all we see is fading
We trust in what we know
We will never give up

Pressed on every side
Praying for escape
We can see the answer
That You're the only way
We will never give up

We will fix our eyes on the One who will last forever
We will hold on tight to the only real treasure
We will not lose heart
We will not lose hope


and my fav: "Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly)"



It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

[Chorus]
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

[Chorus]

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out