About Me

Thursday, January 31, 2013

the loneliness of self discipline

dlghdlfhdflbjndflj

on the bright side, i managed to finish mugging eye yesterday

on the other hand, that's not that much of an accomplishment since the amt we have to know for eye vs like a&e, or o&g, or psych, is middling.

and i keep having flight of ideas & thinking of other things to study [read:cannot focus]

and i keep having automatic negative thoughts; which is good in the sense that it makes me more determined to study harder, but bad in the sense that.... NEGATIVE THOUGHTS.

i don't wish for success, winning the race, or even completing it looking glam
i just want, at the end of all this, to be at peace.
with myself, with the world.
that's all i've ever wanted and that's the philosophy by which i lived this year
it hasn't translated to deans-list academics, but then that's the point right... the rewards arent seen on earth. well maybe not all of them. like there is 1% that is seen, like peace on a daily basis, happy moments, realising that you are loved & having a cozy and warm group of friends, realizing everyday how blessed you are. i guess the reward is in knowing that there is still 99% left to be seen, one day.

i tried to be a better human being and do things more preferable to God. and because of that, i would like to not regret, when i stand at the end of this acad year. i know there isnt a direct correlation, but basically i dont want to be like "oh i should have done this and that insteaddd i should have followed the world instead"

let me know Redemption wins

maybe this is wrong, or makes no sense
who knows.

just want some positive reinforcement so that i can live my m5 year this way too. dont want to go back to the way i used to be. i want to have balance in my life and treat the people around me well & do nice things for them like bake instead of studying.

well im exhausted from the hard work
i recognise my limitations which seems to be more than my abilities
i'm tired, i'm worn

... and i know that, as always, God will listen to all my philosophizing in circles, be amused, and then at the last minute, somehow make everything okay.

because He has never failed me, all these years.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

whatever it takes

i can't be losing sleep over this

give me a few hours
i'll have this all sorted out
if my mind would just stop racing
cause i cannot stand till
i cant be unsturdy
this cannot be happening
cause by tomorrow morning i'll have this beat

cause i'm waiting for tonight
then waiting for tomorrow
and i'm somewhere in between
what is real and just a dream
would you catch me if i fall out of what i fell in

lifehouse - somewhere in between


i'll do whatever it takes to turn this around
i know what's at stake
lifehouse - whatever it takes

i wish it was you

cappuccino, post-coffee nap, getting the 113 page o&g osce revision neatly bound up, meeting ivy at starbucks inccidentally; makes for a much happier revision time

two lovely mvs and songs :)


flower boy next door rocks so muchh. plus, it allows me to revise psych AND fundoscopy. heh.
no seriously, the best thing about this show is that its not the sort of usual kdrama where poorgirlmeetsrichguy, all fantasy-world that you escape to to run away from the boring-ness of everyday life [although my everyday life i consider quite exciting, so it's not boring so much as... exhausting]. it's not the sort of thing where you watch & wiiish your life was like the leads. rather, it's more about identifying with the unrequited loves, the awkward situations, the angst.... AND having a huge crush on the second lead haha. so smoulderinggg



ok more retinal photographs. there are inifinite permutations im beginning to believe.
exhaustion.
these fit perfectly. 
~

i'm tired, i'm worn
my heart is heavy
from the work it takes

i've made mistakes
i've let my hope fail
my soul feels crushed
by the weight of this world

and i know that You can give me rest
so i cry out with all that i have left

let me see Redemption win
let me know the struggle ends
that you can mend a heart
~

anyway, took a half day off today to sleep, watch korean dramas, & dance like nobody's watching; literally HAHA.

fundoscopy practice tomorrow, let's go

Monday, January 28, 2013

yawn

haha i really liked the LOTR quote in the most reccent class email

Aragorn: Gentlemen, we do not stop 'til nightfall. 
Pippin: What about breakfast? 
Aragorn: You've already had it. 
Pippin: We've had one, yes. What about second breakfast? 
[Aragorn turns and walks off in disgust
Merry: I don't think he knows about second breakfast, Pip. 
Pippin: What about elevenses? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? He knows about them, doesn't he? 
Merry: I wouldn't count on it. 

THIS. 

anyway, the paper ... all the scenarios were things i more or less knew, except for maybe the one thing i found out like after the paper... guess you dont know what you dont know! haha! 

it was not like a DISASTER where i didnt know everything, but i guess neither was it like one of those victory lap people run round the stadiums once theyve won, nah. 

guess i feel a bit annoyed with myself, the usual post exam feeling, the how does everyone know this but i dunno this feeling. but this isnt the time to dwell on it, this is only 1/3 the battle. 

1 down, 2 more to go!

Sunday, January 27, 2013

somewhere over the rainbow

see you on the other side
 "That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 

didn't manage my time in the most perfect way known to mankind
but i did everything, to the best of my ability; and will go down fighting, as always
 i always come to this same point
every single time, God has come through for me
for i didn't deserve it
any of those times
every single time, i need to go down on my knees and pray and hope my prayers can be heard in the middle of the general commotion of the world
knowing they are so insigificant & the world has so many problems and this small test of fortitude doesnt mean anything yet means so much to me. 
thank you God, for all the help you have rendered thus far
whenever i eventually become the doctor you want me to be
i promise to help your people the best way i can
please help me actually attain some knowledge so i will be a help rather than a hindrance

do what you can, and God will do the rest

Saturday, January 26, 2013

grr

the person in front of me like just refuses to answer his phone?!! yea i understand sometimes we may wanna avoid pple or sth but seriously it is freakin annoying. really feel like going over and forcing him to answer it. think i shall distract myself with shoulder dystocia youtube videos...

in the air

so i was freaking out cos i can see my batchmates going thru mcqs and i'm doing what feels like revising o&g from scratch  and it's not really like i can say that i can be blamed coz it seems like i've been studying forever?! so i'm not so sure what i could have done to make everything speed up...

and yea. we have the meqs/ mcqs starting mon so i guess i should be doing mcqs. duh.

then on a whim i decided to check out the inspiring!tumblr sites [i srsly need -any- motivation] and found all this good stuff :)


i've decided to mug o&g properly today, do pastyrqns tmr, then do last yr's papers, then errr quickly read eye & ent. since i can vaguely rmb them but i have discovered i have absolutely no clue about anything o&g

farther away

you're getting farther, getting even farther

the end just never seems to be in sight

i suppose i should have mugged from dawn to dusk but i was getting so jittery and inefficient anyway! *justifies self*. this is called rationalization & it is a defense mech! if im not wrong, it's categorized under inmature too haha.  wow psych mugging is so useful to daily life

ok i have
- revised many osse slides that they kept teaching in sgh. cept there are a million more to go. but this is gd cos, it covers a wide range of topics, increasing the chance i have something to write on the exam paper
- made flashcards for bishops score/ shoulder dystocia

uh. yeah. there are maaany osse slides to go thru! and if i dunno something i'll look it up and decide if i cant rmb anything at all shld i go thru in detail *more justification*

Thursday, January 24, 2013

flower boy next door

the time space continuum is getting seriously messed up now, i'll def not finish studying without a time turner.

tonight
- study psychotherapy, all the defense mech stuffs
- delirium & dementia
- practice meqs

tmr
- do some form of physical activity, i dont care what.
- episiotomy practice
- forensic path

sat
- revise o&g. the whole of o&g. yes i am doomed.

sun
- prob cram more o&g
- finish forensic path
- revise eye&ent
- go to church & depend on divine intervention


spring cold

hi world,
the peri-exam bizarreness has officially started. sitting in my room having flight of ideas from one subject to another, feeling: nauseous, irritable, anxious, ANTICIPATORY

panic disorder yo.
treatment = end of exam period + feeling of satisfaction that i did my best & God will do the rest. thus far i've scraped through, haha sincerely hoping that will continue.
feb 5th quickly come...

on the other hand, it's been a really interesting year, full of fun & new experiences. psych, a&e, o&g

i'm helpless and that's where i start again

this tenth avenue north song sums it up well:

i'm tired, i'm worn
my heart is heavy
from the work it takes

i've made mistakes
i've let my hope fail
my soul feels crushed
by the weight of this world

and i know that You can give me rest
so i cry out with all that i have left

let me see Redemption win
let me know the struggle ends

i wanna know a song can rise
from the ashes of a broken life

my prayers are wearing thin
i'm worn
even before the day begins
i've lost my will to fight

~

i specially identify with this part: i'm worn/ even before the day begins. it's 130am and i should sleep cos tomorrow has started, but i havent finished what i need to for today.

let me see Redemption win
let me know the struggle ends

it's out of my hands,
it's out of my reach
it's over my head
it's out of my league

there's too many things that i don't understand, so it's into Your will & out of my hands


Wednesday, January 23, 2013

nasal obstruction ++

ddx?

maybe it's PANSINUSITIS. lol. wants nasonex stat....

morning world.

"life is a call and a response. Everything in life is a gift that must be received gratefully and lived faithfully. In loving our vocation that has been given to us, there are several seasons and phases. In some phases it involves suffering and purification, in some other phases it involves celebration. In some seasons we are called upon to fast, in other seasons we are called on to feast. One phase prepares us for the other. It is important to know that the reason for the season is always the person who has called us. Our seasons are not conditioned by some predetermined laws; but are triggered by the presence and action of the one who is the Beloved of our soul"


yesterday was long & drawn out
but somehow i felt a camaraderie, a sense of shared experiences
it was quite nice actually
different seasons really are for different things
i think out of all in my life
i like this season the best.
it wasn't the easiest to come by
nor did i ever imagine this happiness
i thought i would be walking in one direction only
but sometimes
the greatest happinesses are not pre-meditated

what makes it the best
is that i didn't come by this through greed or seeking the best for myself
but rather
because of a completely uncharacteristic selflessness [that honestly i dont think i cld ever replicate again, haha]

a lesson to be remembered always. 
the best way
is never the one in which you yourself will most benefit

and that God
can open hearts and doors 
you never considered possible

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

likes waking up to pictures of rainbow cupcakes & amazing world   :)



lake como. the place where we triumphed over the rain :)

on days the blue moon rises

something i must say

there's something oddly touching in that. that someone can be so good, and live their life in such a way for God, that everyone around them knows they live for God. i hardly think the same can be said for myself. but this post isnt abt me.

just really in that moment, very inspired. to know that it is possible to be a good person, and yet live vaguely according to the tenets of this world. we need people like these; beacons of light and goodness. that is, in my view, the example by which all christians should aspire to be like.

something which yes, i did feel God's presence in, but i guess something which also i have known so well over the years & taken for granted, is also something that for someone, is God's answer to them. the reward for a life well-lived thus far. [and indeed so.] it's very humbling/ inspiring.

i've been wandering around trying to figure out why does this world only reward tangibly, only focus on outward things. but there are also some things which are rewards unto themselves

thank you, for reminding me of that

Monday, January 21, 2013

between the raindrops


lifehouse - storm

If I could just see you
This darkness would turn to light
I know you didn't bring me out here to drown

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright
~

ok so this song is really angsty haha but i liked the positive half of the song.
and i will walk on water
and you will catch me if i fall

i think walking on water is my fav imagery ever. not that i can do it duHHH but as in... it just evokes the idea of complete trust in impossible things. ie, what i live by

chasing after gold mines 

crossing the fine lines 
hold on and take a breath 
ill be here every step walking between the raindrops with you 
lifehouse - between the raindrops
the music vid is love



joys of webcasting


lecturer talking abt absence seizures
"the patient will stare blankly at you... like what most of you are doing now. and after the seizure is over, like when after the lecture is over, they will return to normal baseline mental state, and not remember anything at all. just like most of you wont remember anything about this lecture after it's over" *can hear sitcom laughtrack in background"


dear cloud

think everyone has that subject they get stuck on & keep studying at the expense of the others

even now i keep studying emed! there's just so much to study... cardio & all the ecgs [more or less sorted i hope...], trauma & ortho [just got lower limbs to sort out now..], neuro - seizures, all the head injuries and sah/ich/ edh etc... and toxicology and grahhhhh. plus we have like FIVE emed revision lectures back at school. i have emed brain.

whereas for psych & o&g i just crammed some info into my brain, practiced with yj and that's it so far. this is bad

i'm sort of unworried which is worrying, but in general i've spent far too much of my life/ energy unproductively stressing out about exams, so i'm really sian-ned out and immune to it by now. no point getting all panic-attacky about it, just pick something up and mug it thoroughly & enjoy it & hope for the best.

on that note, the dsm criteria for panic attacks is
PANICS
palpitations/ abdo distress/ numbness, nausea/ intense fear of death/ choking, chills, chest pain/ sweating, shaking, sob
others not in the memonic - light headedness, depersonalization, derealization
it shld peak within 10 mins and last < 25 mins

if they have 1 month of persistent concern about the attacks/ worry abt going crazy/losing control/ anticipate or avoid situations that may provoke = panic DISORDER

other ddx for anxiety
- hyperthyroidism
- vit b deficiency
- hypoxia
- phaeochromocytoma
- caffeine intake/ withdrawal
- amphetamines
- alcohol/drugs withdrawal

yay cme of the week

now i shall return to watching my fav new kdrama called uh "flower boy next door" HAHA it's really nice though. and the female lead has apparently agoraphobia but according to DSM criteria i judge it's more of social phobia. also she fainted in the arms of the male lead who brought her home for his brother, a doctor to examine her, and he did left eye to her right eye for fundoscopy which !!! is really wrong. anyway. at least it's a vaguely educational drama pwaha

Friday, January 18, 2013

“…He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus”

(Philippians 1:6, NIV


plan for rest of today

630-730 memorize treatments for anxiety 
hahaha this will serve me well for the rest of revision hahaha

730-830 run. really. 
830-1030 revise emed

sat
emed lecture whole day

sun
study. something. maybe start forensic path. 

i feel stressed

but the biggest mountain is over. or maybe it's yet to be? ugh. no i trust that the biggest hurdle is over. now even studying seems like an enjoyable activity

i think what really got me is the moment when i decided i want to do this & God called me to it, so nothing will stop me now, no matter how difficult it is, and suddenly all the difficulties melted away in front of my eyes. the sign i was waiting for. i'm not saying it will be super smooth sailing from now on definitely, altho i sincerely hope it will be LOL after all that agony. but i'm saying that, i was prepared for the hardest task & suddenly i found that my prayers were randomly answered, long after i had given up hoping. you have no idea how many times i sent up entreaties. 

if even that can work out, i have no doubt the exam will be okay too

just need to give it my all, as always

not cos i dont believe but cos i believe in doing tasks to the best of my ability, in general. 





one word.

miracle.

jaw. drop.


bless my plans




Thursday, January 17, 2013

constant


you are the anchor for my soul
that's all i need to know
you're my constant 
you've never failed me all my life

before i was a thought on earth
you knew me then and gave me worth
when all this is said and done
you're the one
- francesca battistelli, constant

this is exhausting

if i ever make it to the end of this endeavour,
a) it's a miracle & there is a God
b) i seriously think it will be crazy successful IF if ever it comes to fruition coz it's always inversely proportional like that; how difficult it is to get things off the ground vs the end point.

like how easily i agreed to the westernproject so many yrs ago and how they LOST ALL THE MRIS i still dont quite comphrehend... but then how L managed to get a lit review published (??? how did she do that, i cld never have done it hahaha)


lost your way and you dont know how it happened
so much time you wasted chasing satisfaction
seems like there's no where else to go

oh dont be so afraid
you think you're too far
but you never are
so scared that you're too late
too hidden in the dark
but you never are

grace is underestimated
all you ever really have to do is take it
God is bigger than the times we fail
so why can we not forgive ourselves

you will never be perfect
oh but you're still worth it
you've gotta just believe
- francesca battistelli, you never are


life is like a trampoline.
it lifts me up and lets me down
its not the safest place to be
but there's one thing that i have found
when my feet leave the ground
in between the earth and sky
i'm falling into your arms
you're my saviour
i try to test the gravity
sometimes i feel like i can fly
then suddenly i lose all hope as i face the world all alone

i know im only human at my best
cos ive tried to fly alone with no success
i need you
francesca battistelli - trampoline

coffee cup waking up
it feels like im going the speed of light
cant relax im moving too fast
i want to find the gold but i dont have the map
i wish that i could know what you got in store for me
i try & try to read your mind
but i forget that patience is a virtue
you're teaching me to hold on tight
i don't know how the story ends
but i'll be alright cos u wrote it
i dont know where the highway bends
but im doing just fine
cos you're in control
even when i dont know
where my life's gonna go

seasons come
and seasons go
but you decide
- francesca battistelli - keeping me guessing

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

from our daily bread


My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways. —Isaiah 55:8
There are a lot of things that intrigue me about Jesus. One of the aspects of His ministry that has always produced jaw-dropping, head-scratching responses is His upside-down teaching about life.
As we journey through life, we may get to the point where we think we’ve got it figured out and our thought patterns and responses for navigating through life are deeply engrained. Yet Jesus interrupts us in the midst of our routines and calls us to a new and better way. But beware! This encounter with the ways of Jesus will be challenging.
Consider these paradoxical propositions: to live you must die (Mark 8:35); to gain you must give (Matt. 19:21); and suffering has purpose (5:10-11).
It is pronouncements like these that make people think Christ is strangely out of touch. But we are the ones out of touch. He is not upside down, we are! We’re like children who think they know better than their parents what is best.
No wonder God has told us, “My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways” (Isa. 55:8). So, rather than relying on our mixed-up instincts, let’s ask Him to help us reflect His ways. —Joe Stowell
Lord, You know what is best, and You desire to lead
us in paths that are right and good. Give us the
courage to trust and to follow You in the ways
of righteousness for Your name’s sake. Amen.
~
!! a verse that i used to live by

eagles' wings



last night [or somewhere in the early bowels of the morning] again i was wondering how i could get to the endpoint. what could i titrate; what could i do without getting too close to the bunsen burner

and i heard strains of josh groban coming from a far off radio 
you raise me up, so i can stand on mountains
you raise me up, to walk on stormy seas
i am strong, when i am on your shoulders
you raise me up, to more than i can be...

Monday, January 14, 2013

standing in the rain
even though the world has spun and spun around again
something that tells me today is special

popping up like spring flowers after a winter
every little thing
becomes a sign; a little rainbow from God

so inverse, so unlogical
but somehow it just makes perfect sense

appearing suddenly like a pot of gold
lighting up the way

it was always meant to be a metaphor,
a torchlight in the dark
an umbrella on a rainy day
a symbol of God's love

Saturday, January 12, 2013

looking at a project i did literally eons ago. it just seems so cute & widdle now, what with all the handdrawn pictures of brains we scanned in and all, haha.

it's really a project i loved to bits, even if we did spend many winter evenings with our gruff and slightly scary tutor & jasmine answering all his qns cos she literally read the whole textbook on the subject and us all zoning out. i can still remember that room, organizing it & the lightbulb moments. fireworks going off in my mind as i walked thru the brightly painted corridors. walking through the meadows at winter excitedly discussing the project; how the trees looked that day, dark branches against the sky; leaving thru the a&e entrance when it was dark out and bidding my groupmates farewell for the day.

it's really like deja vu.

Dear God, please bless this project, as you blessed that one so many years ago.


infinite- fly high

how can i ever repay all this grace?
no idea.

i'll try my very best
everything i can
the thing is, it isn't just my passion; it's what God has called me to do
i will not let my human fallibility get in the way

Friday, January 11, 2013

too many things

I SURVIVED THE EOPT

went back to ttsh to settle all the admin, had lunch @ novena [like our 2nd time there even tho we've done so many ttsh postings thus far!!], came home and CRASHED until 5pm haha.

now, new battles to fight, new miracles to hope for.




for reasons i dont understand again
lately i don't have a clue

i never know where you're taking me
but i'm trying just to follow you

it's out of my hands
it out of my reach 
it's over my head
and it's out of my league

there you go healing 
these scars again
showing me right where
you are again

i'm helpless and that's
where i start again
i'm giving it all up to you
- out of my hands by matthew west


Thursday, January 10, 2013

out of my hands


it's out of my reach
it's over my head
and it's out of my league

there's too many things 
that i don't understand                      [haha i like this line!!]
so it's into your will
and it's out of my hands


OMG I SAW THE OPTIC DISK!

IT'S A MIRACLE

thank you God :):)




Wednesday, January 9, 2013

dear God, it's me again

i've heard that you can work miracles, & so i really would like to ask for some help, that i manage to learn how to see stuff via the fundoscope before this thursday 12noon. preferably, that i also manage to get it signed off as a mini-cex. but the most important thing, is that i magically be able to do fundoscopy. i know it's a very difficult skill that lots of people have difficulty with, and that opthalmologists use slit lamp ANYWAY, but seeing as i need this skill to a) pass this posting and b) pass my mbbs [actually please let me not ever get fundoscopy in the mbbs...], i really truly need your help right now

trusting 101% in a miracle

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

strong enough to save

today was actually very good

some days are days where everything goes so magically you can't believe your good luck, but some days are ones where you learn more about yourself than you ever imagined possible. it was almost like being psychoanalysed

i'm very grateful, honestly, and i'm better for knowing these things

between who you are
and who you could be
between how it is
and how it should be
-switchfoot, i dare you to move

cause this is not about what you've done
but what's been done for you
this is not about where you've been
but where your brokeness brings you to
you are more - tenth avenue north


in christ alone (my hope is found)

it's cutting it close - the moment pros are over, it's all systems go
i'm a little high right now on all the possibilities awaiting me ~woohoo!

somehow i have this crazy belief
that if i work my little tail off just like i've always done
if i keep on believing
it's going to be alright

i worked out the dates just now, and if i try my best, i might be able to make it. if i dont - well at least i know i tried. it's like how i blew lots of time this hols on research. i dont regret it ONE BIT.

that's me & always has been. even if my 200% is someone else's 80%, it doesn't matter. i may not be able to run the fastest, but i can keep running forever. and if i keep at it, i get faster & faster.




in Christ alone, my hope is found
he is my light, my strength, my song
this cornerstone, this solid ground
firm through the fiercest drought and storm
what heights of love, 
what depths of peace
when fears are stilled, 
when strivings cease
from life's first cry
 to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
no power of hell
no scheme of man
can ever pluck me 
from his hand
Til He returns or
calls me home
here in the power of Christ
i'll stand

in Christ alone i place my trust

if i dont make it, it wasn't meant to be. i have no regrets.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

epiphany

today the catholic church celebrates The Epiphany :)

it's the day where the Magi visited baby Jesus & hence is his first physical manifestation to the gentiles (ie people who aren't jews). fun fact, apparently the meaning of Magi literally translated is "oriental scientist" !! aren't we actually technically oriental scientists? okay kind of punny LOL i just thought this was so awesome. hehe

every year, the epiphany never fails to move me for some reason, and this year was no exception :) i have decided to carry on & trust the plan that has been laid out for me.

the opposition to the alternative has been phenomenal. & my confusion over whether to continue on with a specific thing has been resolved. ive decided to do so because the opportunities i would get from the exposure to that is so great and so educational and so rare that i think i should endure a little hardship in order to experience and see all those things. & just take it as a challenge & put my best effort into it.

as for the issue of having to prepare something asap which i can't really do due to eopt being this friday, i've decided to do it right after eopt where my brains will be too fried to revise for pros anyway, and send it off. and hopefully i'll get a positive response; if not i'll prob have to make further initiatives. again, just trusting here, since there's not much control i have over it.

my final plan is cookies!
my plan B is cinnamon rolls.
my plan C is to heck it all and be a baker
... altho i cld prob be a psychiatrist AND a baker.
okay no no FOCUSSSSS

back to the big-picture question, my philosophy is this: i need to discern whether something is the right way or not, so i use how thwarted i am in general. eg something else that i just gave up, i was MASSIVELY thwarted and since i wasn't sure of it anyway, i decided that it was a Sign; also it's not something i would want to spend energy on to go out of my way to be able to do, since i'd need to spend all my energy on making sure i dont endure too much public humiliation

yeah so. psych is definitely interesting, and if i didnt face opposition, i dont know how much higher up my list it would be honestly. but i guess it's not like when i wanted to do medicine even when it meant i had to go overseas if i wanted to pursue it. i still remember how set on it i was even though all the sacrifices & difficulties were clearly laid out in front of me. like just APPLYING FOR A VISA was soo cumbersome & frustrating. if i'm not willing to fight tooth and nail for it, then i should let someone else who wants it badly do it. mere intellectual curiosity about the workings of the mind alone isn't sufficient. lots of medicine is mind-boggling.

promise

dont want this rat race to go on forever. why cant i take the easier/ happier option out again? just because of some rainbows i thought i saw before

how much do i want it. how much do i feel like i'll be defying the Great Plan laid out for me.  yeah its great when the opinions converge, but when they dont...?

i really used to want it a lot. that's for sure

now...... i don't know. cute is cute but i need to get there. and if by the time i reach the finish line, what if i'm totally pooped and i cant do the amazing things that i always planned to do, when i got there?

thought i felt the fireworks so why are there so many roadblocks?

gosh i give up. i give it all to God. tomorrow i will send some emails as to the content, i havent the faintest idea, but i certainly hope He leads me

[edit: although i still dont know what i will end up doing with this life, i am glad i took the plunge, for that month that i decided to do was one of the happiest months of my entire life, and i love the subject, and... LOVE]

Friday, January 4, 2013

strawberry yoghurt

i have just given up something which i wanted very much. ok, to be fair, i was undecided & waiting for a Sign, & thats a sign if i ever saw one. the reason why i wanted to do it, is becos i think, it was one of the happiest moments of my life. not just that, one which was a Miracle from God. but then again, upon thinking about it, if i just leave it as a miracle, a one-off thing, then so it shall be. something special to be remembered, the day God ameliorated every sadness i ever had, every hang-up, all in one shot

to do it again would be to cheapen the miracle.



Tuesday, January 1, 2013

happy new year world :):)

LAST DAY OF SLACKERY. playing angry birds star wars on my galaxy pad. pwahaha pun not entirely intended

last yr my reslutions were:

1. LEARN TO DRIVE. or rather, to park/ reverse etc. i can drive in a straight line okayyy
well. i can still REMEMBER how to drive. haha. i drove once or twice i think. whoops.

2. bake more! this yr i baked 2 choc cakes & 1 cherry pie hahaha so proud of myself 
OMG totally fulfilled. i baked my choc cake at least once, made another cake for my cg mate's birthday, made A GAZILLION sugar cookies, and TWO LOG CAKES
*sugar coma*

3. not so much about studying more as being more efficient at what i actually am studying. and erm put it in a format that either i can rmb it or i can retrive it the night before whatever big exam hahaha. its always so confusing with notes everywhere man. or maybe i need to upgrade my brain's RAM... 
i was more efficient i guess which is gd but then there are exams EVERY SIX WEEKS and we keep jumping from specialty to specialty in m4 so it's kind of like !! anyways. but then again the good thing is it's less stressful overall so i think i spent more time studying than freaking out, which usually i do disproportionately. or maybe i just forgot all the time i spent freaking out, like psych osces really scared me hahaha. as we liked to say, the student is the one having the panic attack, not the simulated patient... 
  
4. break 2hrs for a half-marathon. okay. this is pretty much impossible. bwahaha 

haha mmm i didn't run a half-marathon in 2012, it's like a break FROM marathons i guesss. read: this is an excuse for not signing up in time and hence not getting a spot.  i felt kinda bummed seeing more pple jumping on the well-loved marathon train, so i'm TOTALLY signing up IN TIME this year!! 

5. run more! i really really should. but i like to sleep in in the mornings. sigh. 

not bad! i kinda run around 3 times a month. okay that's not a lot, but something's better than nothing! and cross-training makes my core stronger so even tho i dont run often, my timings improve heh. the most reccent botanics run was 39 mins there and 39 mins back!!! thanks to all those burpee mountain climbers in the new step that seriously threatened to induce n&v... 

aiming for another run if the sun holds, let's see if i can PR :) 
6. be a better person 
 i like to think i was. LOL. 


for 2013, i hope to...
1. get a better work-life balance. and be more efficient
2. discern what God planned for me & live a more Christian-like daily life
3. run 2x per week instead of 1 time, and SIGN UP FOR THE END OF YEAR MARATHONS on time
4. write more poetry and bake more [CANT WAIT to put my newfound cookie decorating skillz to good use yo]
5. continue to keep in touch with my friends who have continued to keep in touch with me all these years despite my extreme flakiness overall hehe. and who keep bringing sunshine, joy & laughter to my life even after so long!! it's so amazing. 
6. find more atmospheric cafes to hang out with friends 
7. somehow grow as a person so much so that 1 year from now i will feel more ready to be almost-a-doctor [since in 1 yr's time we'll be mugging for mbbs]
8. oh, and to PASS M4 PROS lol. looking forward to SIP much much. 

concrete plans
1. rainbow!!
2. kids church
3. more research projects now i know my Life Goal