About Me

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

the moment of truth


1. You who dwell in the shelter of the Lord, who abide in his shadow for life, say to the Lord: "My refuge, my rock in whom I trust!"
REFRAIN: And he will raise you up on eagle's wings, bear you on the breath of dawn, make you to shine like the sun, and hold you in the palm of his hand.
2. The snare of the fowler will never capture you, and famine will bring you no fear: under his wings your refuge, his faithfulness your shield. 
3. For to his angels he's given a command to guard you in all of your ways; upon their hands they will bear you up, lest you dash your foot against a stone. 
~

you know sometimes,
when it really does look like all is hopeless

but you have this crazy feeling
that it's all going to be all right 

as in, not just in the far nameless future
but that what you are doing right now is going to work out

this is one of those times
complete and utter peace
~
now if only i could shake off this fatigue and work. third cup of coffee maybe?!!
will let ya know if this was all an illusion or really well-placed trust. then again, if u cant trust God, you can't trust anyone man. 

Monday, February 25, 2013

footprints in the sand

whoa. calm after the storm.
God saves, yet again. 



Sunday, February 24, 2013

something in a dream

plans
1. make red velvet cupcakes
2. make cinnamon rolls
3. bring fam to relish/addictionscafe/just some nice cafe with brunch food cos i always go these nice places with friends & i really wanna introduce/ go to lovely places to them \
4. procure pedssecrets [the book! haha]
5. cycling w cg! well 50% of the cg

short term plans ie today
1. project stuffs
2. pray really hard that i pass m4
3. gym at some point
4. church at some point.
5. eat tangyuan! peanut tangyuan love


springday

it's sunday :)



#thingsthatmakemehappy

i have learnt a lot from this
when it was approved, i knew it was a miracle
when i hit a speedbump & thought all was lost, it wasn't. 
if I did all this with God's blessing; if God led me to this and opened doors so i could do it, there must be a reason 
today, i just give it all to God
even if it doesnt work out, i have learnt important things from this. planning, statistics, how to liase with all the relevant people to get what i need done
most importantly, 
to know my priorities
the importance of not drifting away
of having a clean slate with my soul

Saturday, February 23, 2013

dont stop believin'

there has to be a faster, more efficient way to go about all this, just that i have no clue what that may be
~
random musings

sometimes, however briefly, i believe again in love

used to say im glad for that, no matter how briefly the illusions lasted; the bubbles are like christmas lights. nowadays, i don't. i just consider those aberrations in an otherwise trying to be perfectly oiled machine. 

almost segued into that mobius strip again, but i dont think that was love, not conscious at least. the only thing that it did is to make me permanantly hardhearted. probably nothing could be more traumatising. which is good. thanks dude. 

in the past i think i really used to believe. that's why i did so many stupid things, but the funny thing is, nowadays i just brush it off & move on & i'm much happier. everything's just a joke, just a hilarious moment, it doesnt mean anything.

Friday, February 22, 2013

gps

In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. —Proverbs 3:6

Don’t worry. I know right where I’m going,” I said to my passengers. Then an almost-human voice ratted me out: “Rerouting . . . rerouting.” Now everyone knew I was lost!

These days, millions of drivers recognize those words, or others like them, as a sign they’ve gone off track or missed a turn. The GPS device not only recognizes when a driver is off course, but immediately begins plotting a new path to get back on track.

Sometimes followers of Jesus need help to get back on track spiritually. We may intentionally veer off course because we think we know best, or drift away slowly, failing to notice we’re moving further and further from the walk God wants with us.

God has not left us on our own, however. He has given all believers the Holy Spirit (John 14:16-17; 1 Cor. 3:16), who convicts us of our sin (John 16:8,13). When we’re going off course, He sounds the alarm and triggers our conscience (Gal. 5:16-25). We may ignore the warning, but we do so to our own detriment (Isa. 63:10; Gal. 6:8).

What comfort to know that God is at work in our lives through the convicting work of the Holy Spirit! (Rom. 8:26-27). With God’s help and guidance, we can continue on a path that is pleasing to Him. —Randy Kilgore

Holy Spirit, we would hear
Your inner promptings, soft and clear;
And help us know Your still, small voice
So we may make God’s will our choice. —D. DeHaan

We’re never without a helper, because we have the Spirit within.
[from odb.org - our daily bread]

~

long trip back to sch today, and then the comp lab closed early cflghflhb oh well i'm only off by a few decimal points anyway

it occured to me that i was talking SO MUCH NONSENSE today zomg. too high/ bored zzzzz

qnnare is fun though, feels like i'm doing something useful. although i missed lots of stuff at first, luckily i was doing it with sy and he did it yest so we were quite efficient! cept some parts of the day were moving soooo slowly

interestingly enough i find some people make me talk more which... i dunno why. which is good in a way since i guess feel comfortable enough to talk to the person = good, as opposed to the invisible professional wall with batchmates u barely know, but bad coz talk sooo much nonsense u know that sliiightly awkward moment when u have to say something plus my verbal diarrhoea on a daily basis. crap.

on the bright side i feel motivated to do certain things for my Goal so yay

Thursday, February 21, 2013

fieldwork

is quite interesting!
it does take a long time, and is tiring, but overall its quite fun to be part of a large enterprise!
sth funny i rmb is derek telling us when we were all chatting in the qnnare room when waiting for pts in the afternoon "oh the dr next door came to tell us not to talk so loudly. i think i was singing songs from les mis thats why" HAHAHA thats hilariously cute for some reason

knees to the earth

found on the nuscatholicsoc page :)

"Be blessed, be loved, be lifted high
Be treasured and be glorified
I owe my life to You my Lord
Here I am" 

To all tired and struggling at this hour. Peace be with You :)

to whoever posted this, thank you for posting such a lovely and inspirational song



Tuesday, February 19, 2013

what i talk about when i talk about running

foccacia for lunch with tomatoes & sausage is yum!

looking at fb photos of pple running really makes me want to go running. the kind where the windchill overtakes you, you run until you feel like your lungs are going to burst, where the breath just isnt enough anymore

around a place filled with either greenery or snow; in a hailstorm

alone, with not a soul in sight

in a big competition at five in the morning with the excitement blaring through the loudspeakers, dj on crack. riding through the thick traffic marvelling at how uncharacteristic for the roads to be full with vehicles at this unearthly hour

barely five minutes in, and you're jostling for space with people you've never seen

my legs haven't burned with lactic acid for a year now
i havent pushed myself beyond my comfort zone

sometimes, it's more tiring to just hover at the boundary of the comfort zone, then turn back
it's more tiring to start walking and then to start running again

but something i learnt from my first half marathon in j1, the one my coach could barely believe i was training for (in fact, the school runners were NOT allowed to run stan chart cos they needed to i dunno save their legs/ maximise their carefully planned training haha but anw i was not really a sch runner which both my coach n i were quite aware of)

was that, if you keep running at the same speed, no matter how slow you go
as long as you don't stop
you can make it to the end

and the momentum just carries you on & on

until the glorious moment where the clouds are high in the blue sky, and you race an anonymous person past the finish line, weave your way through the crowd, lie on your back on the grass & contemplate the feeling of completion

best feeling in the world

someone pls remind me to sign up for stan chart this year man.

a little bit more

my brain only processes stats from 12midnight to 3am i swear. this morning i was definitely half-dreaming i was running univariate analyses in SPSS!! the only thing is i cant rmb which was statistically significant and which wasnt in my dreams. darn. my mum tried to wake me up and i was like "hang on, i need to finish running the stats first!! when i wake up i'll be able to figure all this out"

anyway, there are random bits of significance. its just that its so random i'm not sure the significant bits are significant...

it's like systemic error ++, really wish i had another partner to do this with... but when i go over things ive done in the past it seems to be correct. so. huh. i guess it's ok. #insecurity

the other day i wrote a stats poem *love*. i wonder if, it's prob one of the only poems about statistics since mathematicians dont write poetry and lit people dont do stats, can it be published in a poetry journal?? being the only one of it's kind? even if the poem is literally insigificant by virtue of it's inherent nature. or maybe can publish in a stats journal LOL. LANDMARK POEM

at the end i shall be a statswizard, if i havent dissappeared by virtue of infinite regression

HAPPY STUFF
1. chocolate cookies
2. shinee released their album "misconceptions of me"

Monday, February 18, 2013

my God saves

i am, as always, in awe at his Goodness, goodness i don't deserve. :) 

also today i forgot to bring my matriccard but luckily H was around so i could get into the comp lab. 

ten more days!! 

after all this i will
a) take my family to a nice place to have brunchh - eggs benedict/ waffles/pancakes from one of those nice atmospheric greenery-filled cafes ive been longingly trawling online. 
b) learn how to reverse park
c) fetch someone to someplace instead of always being the one fetched
d) bake cinnamon rolls
e) start studying neuro for electives
f) go for jazz technique class on a saturday + drag my mum with me (i firmly believe all girls deserve a jazz class. it feels so lovely to be alive when you're in the middle of one. pure exhilaration). 
g) plan a getaway to a nice place (korea??) or something in my one free week. i was planning on using it to catch up with slacking off... but i just need a HOLIDAY. i didnt have a real holiday per se after m3 and i was SO EXHAUSTED. need. a. break. 
h) go to cmg. REALLY.
i) see if leadinglittleonestogod still needs extra people. i really love small kids zomg.  its like when ur having a stressful day and u see little kids toddling around making cute noises suddenly it becomes an awesome day :):) 

Sunday, February 17, 2013

cherry blossom ending

today i felt as if a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders


evidence of what a beautiful world we live in :) 


door of faith [edited]

there are very obvious peaks and troughs in my faith.

all the long dark teatimes of the soul, where things dont go your way & you feel apart/distant from God..?? while other times, when everything goes so incredibly right you're on a high, it seems all so perfect, so miraculous

i KNOW it's wrong, the variable topography but i can't help it

reccently, i somehow got the idea that God clearly has more impt things to do than listen to my incessant angst and pleas for help. i just felt like i should stop bugging him with all my unimportant prayers. lots of things converged, and insiduously, before i knew it, i wasn't asking Him for help even though i was facing something rather big. tracing it all back, i think i know it all started from that day i sparked off, randomly.

fri's stations of the cross was a real blessing. it was the first time since i felt this... fatigue that i experienced God's grace. very strongly & clearly.

on hindsight, i think He was calling me back all this while. since pros ended, a kept smsing me to join her for mass. i just really never managed to squeeze out the time to do so. world vs God, why does materialism always win, despite our best efforts??? im not saying everything wld have gone perfectly or i wld be top in class or whatever if i went, or more holy. i know the rewards arent in this world. but at the least, i may not have felt so distant, like i didnt have my usual helpline to call on for help. who knows what would have been different. looking back, i dont know how i cld have squeezed out any more time and part of the problem was my chronic lack of time to do all the things i have to do.

i dont think that anything wld have changed, per se. i would never have found the time, knowing me.
but i think that the sudden spurt of smses was just sort of like... reminding me that He's there, and not to stray too far off. you know what i mean?

now is a good time to come back. sure, i finally hit the marathon wall. but at least now, im putting my faith in God's grace & goodwill when facing next week

i just really pray i can make it for confession tomorrow. priority ++
[edit: i did. God is really good. and today, i say this not becos i got a single earthly reward or good thing happening to me, coz nothing really changed. except the input of grace in my life - haha actually all this talking abt grace really reminds me of colin, who was always talking abt this!! so in that sense, my central dilemna has been resolved. the worry that all the miracles have caused me to doubt, in normaldailylife. coz now i see, that peace just is. once you've gotten all the things weighing you down off, once you come clean with God, that's what makes the difference. i didnt feel close because i felt really guilty, like i was beyond redemption. i sighed that i didnt deserve His help coz i consciously made that bad decision at that time. but that isn't true. that's never true.]

as tenth avenue north sings

'Cause this is not about what you've done, 
But what's been done for you. 
This is not about where you've been, 
But where your brokenness brings you to 

This is not about what you built, 
But what He built to forgive you, 
And what He built to make you know. 

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

and that's the real meaning of the door of faith. 

you don't have to see, in order to believe. 

you just have to get rid of the sins you've committed; all those things you're ashamed of, standing between you and God. 

Saturday, February 16, 2013

the love song of j alfred prufrock

haha apt, vday a few days ago.
this poem never grows old. i dont know about human beings, but i will love this poem forever.
stumbled upon it again when i was googling coffee quotes --> ts eliot's "i have measured my life out with coffee spoons"

also i just played the java [PWAHAHA] coffeeshop game and earned 50 virtual dollars ;p

yeah taking obsession to new heights :)
        S’io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s’i’odo il vero,
Senza tema d’infamia ti rispondo.
 
LET us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherized upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats        5
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question….        10
Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”
Let us go and make our visit.
 
In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.
 
The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes,        15
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,        20
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.
 
And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window panes;        25
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;        30
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.
 
In the room the women come and go        35
Talking of Michelangelo.
 
And indeed there will be time
To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair—        40
(They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”)
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin—
(They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”)
Do I dare        45
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.
 
For I have known them all already, known them all:
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,        50
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
  So how should I presume?
 
And I have known the eyes already, known them all—        55
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?        60
  And how should I presume?
 
And I have known the arms already, known them all—
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare
(But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!)
Is it perfume from a dress        65
That makes me so digress?
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
  And should I then presume?
  And how should I begin?
.      .      .      .      .      .      .      .
Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets        70
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?…
 
I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.
.      .      .      .      .      .      .      .
And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!        75
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep … tired … or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?        80
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head (grown slightly bald) brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet—and here’s no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,        85
And in short, I was afraid.
 
And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,        90
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”—        95
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
  Should say: “That is not what I meant at all;
  That is not it, at all.”
 
And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,        100
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor—
And this, and so much more?—
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:        105
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
  “That is not it at all,
  That is not what I meant, at all.”
.      .      .      .      .      .      .      .
        110
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,        115
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—
Almost, at times, the Fool.
 
I grow old … I grow old …        120
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.
 
Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.
 
I do not think that they will sing to me.        125
 
I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.
 
We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown        130
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

cookies cream mint

things that made me smile
1. trudging along the hospital corridors, rain was falling thickly against the windowpanes, i suddenly spotted a a porter pushing a food trolley labelled "42"
2. the guy who's like the guardian of the comp lab wished me a happy weekend
3. stations of the cross
4. running on the treadmill at the gym and suddenly how i met your mother comes on!!! you totally made my day. i was running at 10km/hr and giggling/snickering randomly hahaha i think onlookers would prob have been judging me ;p
5.  i wrote a poem about stats :) unfortunately i dont think lit people will appreciate the references, so its not like i'll ever attain fame & fortune with my med-inspired poems. not that poets ever get much fortune anyway.

Friday, February 15, 2013

chocolate cafe

i really wanna go here noww. chocolate....

one day once i get this life sorted out

anw thanks to a kind soul, i've managed to learn statistics. math:0, e:1!! or maybe just finally reached the conclusion of a VERY STEEP learning curve, ha ha, nah gratitude where it's due huh.

the only way from here is upwards :)

reccently there have been a lot of wake up calls. to the point that i seriously considered doing something else, like building castles of sugar cookies and pretty words. but d told me not to be stupid since God put me in med sch. i dont know how he knows that uh but okay if he says so!

windows of grace and opportunity have been opening up; little flowers sprout here and there, showing me there is a chance

Thursday, February 14, 2013

optimism & waffles

usually i'm ridiculously optimistic

but. um. i think i really really need a time turner now

i dont think there is a way out, this time :(

[note: thank God. there was]

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

7th grade civil servant

makes me smile :)

there's rain, sometimes, i guess. sometimes i can't even blame external forces. but life isn't about who to blame for what, even if that's the natural kneejerk reaction

i come to this place seeking words to explain life, something that goes beyond the usual cliches. but i guess i can't describe things i dont understand.

ran yesterday. i was super unfit after pros and i didnt think i would make it the full 12ish k but i did. then after that i watched 7th grade civil servant and then had a longhotshower and life was not bad, for a while

i think what really gets me is the... rumination. and no i dont have ocd haha. more like generalized anxiety disorder. running/ doing any physical activity that makes one sweat/ heart rate increase really helps. i seriously think it releases serotonin or endorphins or something.

i keep trying to figure out
is it me? is it the external environs? what do i do if it's me. what do i do if it's the environment?

whatever i am, i'm not selfish. incompetent, yes. and im changing that :) 1 yr from now, when i finally take the big exam & finally graduate, that's when i'll look back & realise how much ive grown as a person (not sideways hopefully haha) but in maturity. all these are just stepping stones of learning. not to say that i dont feel sad/ torn if things go out of shape, but that, just take it

Monday, February 11, 2013

the path to you

hi world, happy cny :):)

managed to beat the clock, well kinda, and springclean every corner of the hse, against literally all odds, including, uh, myself. anywaY feel accomplished now

ate a few symbolic pineapple tarts & prawn rolls. gotta love cny.

here's to hoping it'll be a good yr.

that said, i still really wanna celebrate the german new yr, with beer & sausages. i just need to find accomplices who share my worldview SIGH. or christmas.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

the thing to do tomorrow

the GOOD half of yesterday involved debate *hearts* hanging out with the guys yesterday was v fun! reminded me of how lucky i was to have been teamed up with them, they're just such strategic planning people apart from their basic inherent debater skillz, felt so blessed that for my one and only foray into teh jungle, i had good guides/ companions

for the other half of the day, i think that it's really time for me to grow up. also i suppose i overextended myself, or maybe my narcoleptic tendancies took over. there isnt really any excuse per se, just make sure i learn from it :)

Friday, February 8, 2013

freezing. literally!

my phone however is exploding, i think i totally exceeded the imaginary phone bill for the month. so exciting. i need a REALLY hot cup of coffee...

Thursday, February 7, 2013

hypothyroid kitties

today was tiring but nice :):)

lunch with nat at a v nice place near sgh i loved the ambience! we spent most of the time discussing psych [cos psych is just so story-filled haha] and medicine and tutors. it's actually really nice coz she's in a similar system, but not quite similar? so it's like a breath of fresh air YET still talking abt the same stuff HAHA

thenn to ttsh for random lecture by our electives tutor. BEST THYROID TEACHING EVER. i feel so happy just thinking abt it i just had to record down how awesome it was. from hypothyroid kitties to hamburger thyroiditis. the tutor was really super good and engaging and funny! also m and j are entertaining people to be around, this is gonna be a fun 2 weeks. and hopefully we get invited to more teaching so it'll be more like 3 weeks of electives total LOL.

there's more teaching tomorrow which should be good, but my timetable will be CRAZY. seriously. i've taken out the gym session since if not, by noon i'll be sleeping with my head on the table. oh well. excessive exercise is bad anyways.

[and in any case i am going for combat later!! squee]

so the plan is
8-11 do research [please case notes, please arrive tmr morning, i entreat thee...]
11-12 travel
12-2 respi + endo teaching
2-3 travel back [i need a teleporter...]
3.30-4.30 prep with s, buy extra strong coffee.
4.30-dunno what time spar
night time - watch lots of korean dramas  no actually i should really do my practice irb for my m4 elective project.

now i shall pubmed stuff. pubmed. my best frienD

for i know the plans i have for you




busy days spent running from one end of the island to the other. tmr looks to be busy too! 
run, then research, then meet nat for lunch @ tiong bahru market, then go ttsh for extra teaching on TFTs
friday i will gym, do research, meet s for prep, then meet prof & the guys for sparring
srsly debate is like my cca in medicine [& im loving it heh] :):) esp this low-stress atmosphere where im not the one who has to deliver. wahaha. 

today a friend said sth really interesting, he asked me if i was more happening last time HAHAH 
the explanation is that if u study overseas, unless u are like a really really antisocial person and never make the effort to talk to anyone and never go to a single social event eveR [which, admittedly, describes me during mugging periods last time haha], most likely, u can get dragged out to lots of social events. its just the way things are... lots of birthday parties mostly, but lots of activity-specific things too like the christian group stuff [and i went to a few of the catholic activities with n, we did talk to loads of random pple at those free wednesday dinners pwahah]. lots of random singsoc activities. to me, those are just happy times spent with people i really liked and had warm feelings towards

that makes it sound so weirdly scientific but that's the best explaination i can come up with. i suppose it all looks very exciting and happening haha well we had fun all those times... that's the point right?? but what i was trying to explain but didnt quite come out right was, nowadays even though i dont go out like 2-3x/ week, even tho most of the time it's seeing the same people everyday and so on, it's still really enjoyable... you dont have to dress up and wear fancydress or cook elaborate meals or play games to have fun times, altho, it must be noted, those were really fun times too! it's just all about seasons in one's life

i guess what really caught me off guard is that anyone from my past life would tell u that i was NOT happening at all. if u define happening as going to party all night as lots of pple DO do, that's just not me. in fact, the absence of that is practically part of my character. buT having fun and that is not mutually exclusive right?? haha anyways. and somehow even tho i dont go out THAT much i feel like i still go out a lot in the free time in between all the neverending exams! much love to my friends who still listen to my woes after all these yrs esp nic, nat, michelle, david, manyun, nandita, sharon, etc. and who still call me out v often to meet up. even tho it always seems like im busy, thank you for preventing me from really being an antisocial hermit!

as sharon says, i seem to be forever packing my room HAHA. 
the work will just never be finished to perfectionistic satisfaction, so all we can do is try, and to chillax and smell the roses while we can :) 
and of course, to the pple i DO see practically everyday, thanks for being so awesome :) i know that these days im a bit of a broken recorder with the exam angst, er i guess im really sorry but i really am upset abt it.

 i guess sometimes i feel like a stand up comedian in that, when im not funny, no one listens anymore, but it doesnt really matter, it's not anyone's taiji but  mine really. anyway i like being funny i hope i am. to me the greatest insult is after everything someone turns to me and tells me "all these times i wasnt really laughing" which BTW has totally happened before, on the bright side the person continued on to say tt he needs something REALLY funny to really laugh ie really high standards, ha ha okay well that does take the bite off a little. 

anyway i was feeling extra upset after hearing yet more things i didnt say SOBS
but the ride home with sy was somehow really comforting
logically discussing the exams, Life and stuff
there was sth abt the logical, rational approach to it that really stopped the negative thoughts that keep automatically going round in circles in my head
acknowledging the mugging process [i hate it when pple say they dont study], acknowledging the decisions to focus on some subjects at the expense of others and that it was a calculated, rational decision and not that i dropped the ball or anything it was i really choose to focus on it like that
discussing the things i DID do right cos we were discussing the psych stations n i realised my psych stations were pretty ok [cept the 3 marks for summarization LOL] 
he wont see this anyway but thanks sy if i didnt throw myself under a bus today it was prob coz of the unintentional calm-ness and logicality of the bus ride back that stopped the negativism anyway yes i shall make you a cupcake one day

also i shared choc sorbet + mocha ice-cream with m YUM and cheese fondue with my cg HAHA it was really quite funny the way we thought the place was closed at first

keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep believing
try to live the Christian life even tho sometimes i feel really regretful & bitter. how can one silly exam change one's outlook on life why should it but honestly i cant run away from the fact that i didnt do anything justice
the prob is even if i go back in time, i can't change much. i dont know why it just feels like it
it feels like i maxed out my mugging
 my regret is so formless, so unstructured, so confused

my best bet is to be as good a person i can be as if i really have all the rainbows and unicorns i want
not to think of how unloveable, how irresponsible, how BLABLABLA 
yesterday i gave the busker at the mrt station near my house 1 dollar 
not coz i want gd karma, its coz... in this universe, i really dont have much to give anyone
that much i can give
and he always sings KEEP ON RUNNING, YOUNG GIRL *strums guitar* everytime i run thru that underpass hahaha
his little boy gave me a high five so cute haha
it made my day
i actually felt bad, i wanted to give more, maybe ill do tt next time. 1 dollar cant even buy that little kid mc donalds

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

planss

kk post pros plans! coz i REALLY need someplace to organize all of this haha

[trusting in the Lord]

today
sleep. HAHA. 
oh i went for kpop dance class. it was nice! thought it was hilarious when T bemoaned his hair coz he just came back from reservist. apparently they did u-kiss's stop girl a few weeks back ARGHHH tears hair i love that song so much!
must really get the stuff together for tomorrow... now... 

wed
run :)
go to hosp to request casenotes
return my crazy amt of books owed to the nus library
RETAIL THERAPY ++
dinner w cg! 
must really email r abt the childpsych elective. 

thurs
def need to go nus for researchh
write my practice-irb for the upcoming research electives too [my tutor on my tentative question: is it ok if i join clinics/ ward rounds too? "dont worry we won't lock you in a room!" haha. i think my eyes were literally shining when he mentioned he wanted me to present sth to the dept at the end of the month. MUST FINISH THIS PROJECT ON TIME for the first time in my life. actually, must really finish a project for the first time in my life] 
cmg bible study??? 

fri
help out jnrs for medlaw
guess i would do more research too? 
meet d for dinner/lunch/coffee depending on what time the prep is??? 
gym hearts. 

sat
def will be springcleaning, not on a lovely holiday in mauritus. oh well. one can dream!  

sun
CNY

mon
more cny

tues
more research
aim to email my electives tutor at least by today. i think i spend a disproportionate amount of time psychoanalyzing the best time to email tutors. no seriously most pple dont read emails sent at 2am as compared to at lunchtime [i wonder why huh]. 

wed
CHP briefing 

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

mustard seed

ok. i have made the executive decision to not think any more about the exam. or say any more about it.

not that i am purposely thinking about it for fun. i just keep literally getting flashbacks/ intrusive thoughts. but i CAN'T ACT ON MY COMPULSION TO CHANGE ANYTHING.

right now, my faith is smaller than a mustard seed. but going over and over it won't change anything

i'll just trust God.

okay practically, i only messed up 2 stations. and i prob got SOME marks for the ent one. and i prob got SOME marks for the emed one, just not very many. and bagvalvemask dieded on me but i think i still got the marks anyway since i did everything textbook perfectt and i saw the examiner circling the marksheet. SO I SHOULD PASS. REALLY

it's into your will
and out of my hands

true-er words were never spoken

footprints

this is what i have to say about the exams: 

in Christ alone, my hope is found
he is my light, my strength, my song
this cornerstone, this solid ground
firm through the fiercest drought and storm
what heights of love, 
what depths of peace
when fears are stilled, 
when strivings cease
from life's first cry
 to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
no power of hell
no scheme of man
can ever pluck me 
from his hand
Til He returns or
calls me home
here in the power of Christ
i'll stand

in Christ alone i place my trust

and so it goes. 

i've done what i could humanly, and i've made mistakes. so i won't do very well, that's for sure, but with some luck, i'll pass. i do have regrets, i always do... but i swear that if i pass, i'll never ever miss PE in another pt [even if he swears up and down tt he has never seen any dr, as if an ortho surgeon isnt a doctor...]. to the dr who told me as i left the o&g station 'well done' even tho i later realised it was not a perfect station, thank you for being a glimmer of hope even though you might just have been polite. 

anyway, even though im usually always stressed out of proportion for these things, i'm just leaving it in God's hands. i can't think of a better place it can be :) no need for any rationalization, re-experiencing of events, flashbacks aka PTSD haha. there are things im grateful for, which did save me from utter disaster. i mean, the possibility of doing deccently [where decency is relative btw] is still there, depending on the kindness of the examiners haha. 

so. IT'S OVER!!  now to recover from the one month long marathon by doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. :):)

Sunday, February 3, 2013

inspiration


happy things

literally burnt out
like to think of myself as being unendingly determined. that i can run forever; sprint the last few meters; race whoever's at the ending line  
but i guess the rain isn't helping
it's making me reaaally sleepy
or maybe the two cups of coffee per day 
has caused me to get tolerance

anyway
this is to say that
i have faith & trust
that i'll pass tmr's exam, wont say anything stupid, and that i wont have any regrets after

it's 4pm. should give up on psych and start o&g 
havent the faintest memory of how to do a pelvic exam

Saturday, February 2, 2013

tell me everything you need now/ anything at all

things that make me happy



dont stop cant stop

psych day!

grumpy, irritable ++

no idea why, but i can hazaard a guess that it's because i have to do something i dont want to do?? yeah i guess.

the thing is, it's a VICIOUS CYCLE. feel pissed, sleepy, not motivated = havent studied much this morning = feels even more pissed off

RAHH



2pm - dont stop cant stop
so we dont' stop [2]
we can't stop [p]
until we reach the top [m!]

i'm never going down without a fight 

HEARTS.


the fear in my heart only grows
i can finally see the top
but my body slowly starts to fail
i grit my teeth
i worked too hard to get here
i can't crumble now
i cant fall down
i dont ever want to go back to be beginning
i can never break down
it's too late for me to fall

even if i feel like i can't keep up
this chance will never come again
i dont ever want to lose it

if i pass this exam, it will be thanks to 2pm

i wonder what's the treatment for general pissed off ness?? ssris? chocolate? 

Friday, February 1, 2013

gone; not around any longer


"Congratulations! Fantastic! You go, baby! I'm so happy for you. No one deserves it more. I love you so much."
That's what people say, e, after a really big dream comes true for a dear friend of theirs. 
Know what they often say beforehand?
"You should be happy with what you have. Don't forget to smell the roses. It's all about you. No one ever died wishing they spent more time working."

When you love something enough, e, work becomes play, perspiration becomes inspiration, and it doesn't matter what others may say. 

No one deserves it more,
    The Universe

the universe has all these kooky weird sayings, but thank you, universe, for being encouraging nonetheless :) i like today's note. when you love something enough. 

on that note, i am SERIOUSLY having flight of ideas. just that the ideas arent associated with elevated mood. NON MOOD CONGRUENT. mugging sob for a&e... then ooHh opthal hx taking notes!! [note that my day for mugging eye was like 2 days ago]. then ooh ent which i didnt finish yesterday... 

anyway, i guess its fun in a weird way. haha. kinda

gogo fighting :)

sistar is AWESOME.