About Me

Saturday, March 30, 2013

hate that i love you

YAY g.na finally won a trophy on music bank!! kpop is kinda like supporting sports teams heh. feel so happy for her :)

altho she had this rather painful experience on idol & romantic, it worked out really well as she was able to sing about her feelings... the song is soo obviously about jonghyun. & she managed to snag a win! so all's well that ends well

~

nights spent thinking about direction, life's philosophy

apart from nebulous things like 'be more responsible' 'be more professional' 'study more' i dont really have any concrete plans. mostly cos it's just difficult to amp it up sometimes i guess. like i have hundreds of peds resources but dont really know where to start... rather overwhelmed by the massive amount.

sometimes i dont know whether to trust pple or to be suspicious... half the time i'm too trusting and the other half im ridiculously suspicious. it's totally inconsistent & double standards.

sometimes after thinking about life all night i come to some form of conclusion & i go to sleep & forget everything (that happens really often)

i think i kinda know what to do now. it's not that clear a line, but less misty than usual.

let's go!!

also the recent events + whatsapp w d, n, annthea etc are very comforting somehow. to discuss with these people things i literally know not many other people would understand, yet are things that mean very much to me, make up much of the fabric of my existence. so really thank God for bringing these people into my life. they're really good influences i must say :)

ok respi now!!
i hope they let us do CE shifts & it's a good cum educational experience! altho now as m5 we are expected to know something about treatment so i guess i wont be zoning out even if the consult is just runny nose/ cough cos the abx will be of interest

Friday, March 29, 2013

more thoughts

so was reading random snrs blogs some of which i dunno who they are actually, HAHA

anyway this anonymous person wrote that she'd just graduated [it was a post made a few yrs back so she must be quite a bit older than me] and now it was time to go forth and make good on the promises she made 5 yrs ago !!!

that really struck a chord in me

i can't wait until i have the chance to do that too :):)
tonight
1. revise peds respi... PE & hx taking & bronchiolitis/ asthma mx
... cos we may get some CE shifts!! woot woot!

tomorrow
collect data on outcomes
the free 14 day trial of spss is stressing me out coz everytime i turn on spss they will tell me "12 days left before this software expires"

sunday
church!
lunchh
long run?
try to sort out data, analyse some stuff, come up with list of qns to ask
do lit review
revise something neuro

monday
find tutor/ clinic??
data entry

tuesday
gather up courage to join rounds. im sure i will be facing a barrage of qns which i cant answer for the third time which gets a little embarrassing SIGH but hey, we live and learn

other things to study
- approach to floppy infant, all the DMD stuffs + read up on sma
- approach to headache
- meningitis, etc & expected LP results
- how to read brain MRI/CT scans,
- GI stuffsss like.... GE & dehydration, biliary atresia, etc.
- holliday segar

i'm just going to enjoy this glorious exam-free time in which i can explore all the different facets of the subspecialty & see lots of diff things. think about all the hoops i have to jump thru later!! im beginning to think in m5 seeing patients is more important than mugging books, we always say there's a dilemna, but by seeing more patients, you'll know a wider variety of signs to look out for or diseases.

because/ am i strange

i can say this much

1. it is def. a sign. i just dont know precisely what the sign is saying, cept that it will most def be ok. ha ha ha yes i know, it doesnt always seem like it right, but not only does my heart tell me so, so does my brain. all the random things cannot be coincidences. ok all this sounds really cliche & vague, but i HAVE to record this down in some way or other

2. i dont know about the future. i dont read crystal balls. but i know about the week that has passed and it has been the most blissful week. i could do this forever. not just that, but people have been so keen to teach & been so nice, it is truly amazing. guess i will just thank God that he made me persevere in keeping this month when i was trying to decide. i just hope i can read up enough/ finish enough work that i can go for wardrounds in icu too. because they will def ask me qns and ahhhhhh. but anyway. this is just to say that i'm lovin it. there are many factors to this of course, but i will not think too much, and just be grateful

3. one can be always worried & on the ball, or one can be responsible & yet let go of unecessary worries... i guess planning ahead is not always paranoia per se, it can prevent u from being extra-worried later... yes i begin to sound like i have gad... haha. no really. it's a fine balance. i guess what i'm trying to say is that despite my subclinical gad, i have this feeling that, its going to be ok, and it's not me just trying to convince myself... i guess you could call it being at peace. everyone else is in turmoil, but me, ive been here uncountable times already. i know the drill. re-focus on God, let go the things you clutch out of greed & your false idols, and you will find that the flyaway birds will come back, willingly.

a bit cryptic/ non-specific but there it is. i just had to say these

Monday, March 25, 2013

turn it up

hi world

today i want to unconditionally thank God for everything. today, it all began to make sense somehow.

happy :):)


Sunday, March 24, 2013

still i miss you

the moment where you realize you donch have enough time to get everything done... plus upon coming back from high tea i totally just konked out in post prandial stupor

1. print out relevant journal articles/ lit review
2. learn eeg

fluffy pancakes

here is my sunday to-do list
1. learn how to read an EEG
2. do lit review
3. high tea :):)
4. go running once (3) is digested
5. dance like nobody's watching

all things i looooove

i never really thought about it but eegs are endlessly fascinating. brain waves.
alphabetadeltatheta

the physics part of it is ...... though. zomg.

i want to go for an EEG course!!!! *covet* hehe

Friday, March 22, 2013

2am won music bank!!

so happy for them!! :)

i think my tutor thinks that the new focus we discussed today is... easier than the previous one??? but it is sooo much more cheem. well, good for me, cos i can learn more, but..... haha

on one hand, i was thinking to myself that i would be SO efficient this round, and quickly churn out a publishable paper blahblahblah cos outcomes is soo easy right just count time to event & conclude success/ non-success of the treatment YAY! on the other hand, this is so fascinating

it feels like i can eat journal articles and not need to eat breakfast/secondbreakfast/lunch/dinner/supper LOL

on another note, i conclude that posts about how awesome this new thing i saw in clinic today/ signs are 100x more interesting than posts about research, which since obviously i can't really discuss the research anw, and it's usually so long until any fruition comes, are mostly like "sigh this is so frustrating. more cases. more cases" & i swing between being bogged down by mundanity & being bogged down even more when the flow of cases stops lol.

but despite all that, there is really this magical moment, usually at UH the beginning of the project where you think "ooh this is so cool! this is going to be such a landmark thing and benefit so many people!!" and also when you finally finish it, or at least any point when you can say DONE AND DUSTED without things draaaagging on forever. kinda like cross-country training at mc ritchie, haha. those cold mornings at 7am, the magic of the start when everyone goes off onto the trail, and the satisfaction of the ending sprint. and in between you're like, huhhhh, or ARGH A MONKEY

anyway currently i'm in the oooh this is so cool phase!! not too idealistic about things honestly but things are going better than i envisioned so that's always good!

also today i found out something. so i shall just apply my usual philosophy, i guess its to comfort myself, but it's also true! here goes. cliche but def true, think about it. if i actually get it, trust me, then you know there really is a God & he really works miracles. if i dont, well there still is a God & he still does work miracles. but it's just that, there is no other way i could get it except through a miracle. it all sounds very general but TRUST ME ON THIS.

so quickly i face the choices & the temptations. and one is inclined to think let's barrel through this, do everything you can to reach no.1. but no... stop and think... what is life if you don't smell the roses & cherish the moment? then you'll be running for no reason other than just because. you dont have to barter things, no one is asking you to do that. you just have to, at every moment where you face a choice, whether you realise it or not, to make the choice you know God would want you to make. not the choice that brings you closer to the distant goal of everest. many people fall off everest... the right choice, not the smartest choice.
1. YAY i joined department teaching today!!! so so so happy
when i asked if i could join, my tutor was like "yes, dont worry, we don't charge you for that"
of course, i got quizzed, unfortunately it was on osmolality which uhhh i mean does anyone else remember anything else about osmolality?? gaH must read up.
2. the topic was so geekily interesting. i literally did not fall asleep a single time #how i chose what residency i want to do
3. Ljubljana, Slovenia. I CAN DO THIS

now, it's back to pub med. HAHA reminds me of the nus med confessions website. other people go to club med, while we surf pub med.

i better read up. who knows what obscure topic they will present for dept teaching next week.


nothing without you

reflections on m4/ the year ahead ie m5
reading my archives reminds me of why i write this blog
1. to remind myself of all the utterly hilarious moments [check out the LOL label from the cloud. cant decide which is best, but HY's "oh i thought how come he sees cats too!" when the ortho mo kept referring to the CT scan as cat scan, and c's doing a 'mind-reading' magic trick for our paeds tutor and his logical answer to the next qn c asked him before the eopt "why dont u tell me what im thinking" are pretty high up on the scale]

2. to remind myself of how fun & awesome medicine actually is 
3. so that i can be a better medical student in the one remaining year of studenthood i have. hopefully. LOL

aims
1. make friends with everyone on the team & at least show that i am enthu about learning & hopefully have a little more knowledge

2. be targeted in my learning/ reading. see what happens is i get v easily bogged down in details & go down the rabbit hole really quickly. BIG PICTURE

3. continue my goal of being a good person :) the ends do not justify the means. ie, u dont ever have to resort to doing the wrong thing, just to get what you want. in fact, quite the opposite. if you do the right thing, it will all work out. if you dont get something, it just means it isn't in the plan. if you do, means it is! :) however, in order to know his "good and perfect will", you have to love & follow him

another theme of this year/ last year, is the whole what & where issue. the next two months are definitely vital in deciding this haha. slightly stressful, but also such an exciting prospect. i'm sure i wont be the perfect medical student by the end of it, but at least i can be slightly better than i was before. everything else is up to God.

somehow i have faith that it's going to be okay. blind faith? crazy belief?

my neuroticsm and general paranoia & anxiety tells me: how can you suddenly become very professional & impress them HAHAHA ya right

my faith tells me: in no way do you deserve to be where you are right now. only grace, and a series of miracles brought you here. what is the chance that the miracles happened like this one after another?? what is the probability? p less than 0.05. they did not occur by chance.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

the thing that still comes up in my memory

i feel stressed. stress is good right?
renewal is good. yes. woots!
sigh. trust.

on the bright side, it felt soooo good dropping those books off at the library today. i never imagined i'd ever find them. small mercies.

things i know
1. i love this specialty
2. i love this subspecialty
3. the thought of possibly joining dept teaching tmr fills me with such unimaginable joy
4. i am blessed to be where i am let alone doing what i will start next week let alone possibly publish/present this in some form
5. so there is no need to aim for some magical top or whatever

ooh... top... that makes me think of TOP oppa from big bang. ~oppa...

I CAN DO THIS
LET'S GO


Wednesday, March 20, 2013

confounded

just dug up all my m2 epi notes

ARGHHHH

dear God,
please help me pass this eopt.
coz i just looked at the m2 confounder notes and am having severe recall bias right now. 
muchhh gratitude, me.

it will be good

i think i've dreamt a little TOO much about these. now, it's back to reality >< need to revise 4 presentations tomorrow + dig up old stats notes. i know NOTHING about stats lol

well, it's been really nice

time to amp it up

... ehh... donch really feel like it

anyway my conclusion from all the digging through photoblogs & the like is that this world is filled with beautiful places, and it all depends on the lenses you look through; the filters you use

if you use rose-colored macaroon filters, and you choose only to look at cherry blossoms, or autumn leaves, or snowfalls, you'll be happy forever. that's what i learnt. i also learnt that i am incredibly blessed in many ways well i guess i knew that alreadyy but you know sometimes i do things not for myself (haha, who'da think huhh) and it just HAPPENS that i end up in a happy place at the end of it... so... points for the thought counting??

it's just really what you chose, happiness....

i chanced upon something the other day and nearly burst out in laughter. seriously the way coincidences go, how likely is it....?? TWO TIMES? pwahaha. to think i was so serious about it, and all ZOMG what is this the first time round. now it's like haha what kinda cosmic joke well steer really clear i guess

ok whatever they ask for the eopt i will just write: CROSS SECTIONAL STUDY. UNABLE TO ASSESS CAUSALITY

Monday, March 18, 2013

turtle

one of those days where everything magically goes right :) rare for me, i can tell u that...

1. suddenly found my two missing library books randomly under some pile of stuff
2. booked my fantasy trip :) okay it could be even more fantasy-like i guess but this is safely within the limits of normality, its probably best not to go traipsing ALL over the place. start small!
3. was really frustrated over the chp ppts not opening on my comp but i had a brainwave & it worked on my galaxy pad!! long live the galaxy pad. now i just have to find the charger cos there's only 20% batt left. oops

whatsapp with d was illuminating. he pointed out that humility and incompetence, which i often conflate, are separate things... DUH. well when u say it like that, it does make more sense... haha

i guess i am not as incompetent as i make myself out to be, or as others make me out to be, but occasionally i display stunning flashes of it that would probably make anyone witnessing it completely convinced of the fact... just have to pray that that side of me gets tempered down, like, FOREVER. for obvious reasons.

just started studying for chp eopt on thurs zzzz okay i've had a magical few weeks of slacking off & planning my fantasy trip, weeks in which i've become rather aware of how easily i get obssessed with things... and planning... and planning things...

so anyway with luck i'll finish this fast & then i can go off exploring forests, FENICHEL, and dream of hiking mountains.

i really love my fenichel i cannot emphasize it enough.
fenichel fenichel fenichel

can i please do something with my life that involves reading fenichel everyday

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

standing still

the feeling of warm sunshine on the skin is really priceless. eggs & toast & tomatoes & sausages

funny how it feels like the normalities of life become such a luxury. just being able to live a day without worrying about anything

now doing some really cheem lit review for CHP. on the bright side, earning my keep/ singing for my supper haha. note, it is EXTREMELY cheem


Sunday, March 10, 2013

one spring day

right at this moment, i am happy :) contented with life

i know that these happy moments dont come by all the time. they usually come peri-trip planning & right now i have spent the evening poring thru sun & sea & mountain soaked photos of jeju, deciding which cherry-blossom lined streets & quaint cafes i should allocate the time to visiting

i think i shld be reading a really thick textbook like nelson's... but for now i think i shall revel in having more or less completed all my neverending tasks, finally. i think last thurs really took the cake. kinda delirious by that point really

also: PASSED M4 WOOTS!!! 

1. church 
2. go on long walks 
3. brunch places with egg benedict/ fluffy pancakes [ok... maybe this is more to my own gain since the idea fills me with SUCH delight. but who doesnt like fluffy pancakes?? L keeps posting pics of fluffypancakes on instagram. covet yo] 
4. renew the book that enables me to discover the world
5. be a more positive person to be around 
6. plan as much of korea as possible now before the electives start
7. OPEN the sunflower book


Friday, March 1, 2013

still alive

all i wanna say is I'M STILL ALIVE & Thank God for everything as always :):)

that is all.

sighs of relief. gratitude. thanksgiving.

positive reinforcement. token economy.

wells of grace

promises for the future

resolve to do things to show my gratefulness

let me know Redemption wins