About Me

Friday, May 31, 2013

star love fish

CARDIOTHORACIC SURGERY IS SO AWESOME!!

ended anesthesia posting on a super high with cardiac anesthesia with one of the nicest consultants in the dept

*starry eyes*

after that my love of cardiothoracic/ anesthesia was rekindled.

now on towards int med massive revision!

okay i may or may not take my own advice and it never feels nice to be notthebest at things, but honestly, if you keep aiming to be the best, at best it's tiring and at worst it's impossible. i used to get around this by thinking that it all doesnt matter and in the end God will save me and i will get _____ just by his grace alone though i dont deserve it at all. maybe, who knows, haha. but it's really stressful because i am so far from that i dont actually believe i can reach so high. and its depressing when i obviously fall short. sooo, i dont know, but anyway im sure sooner or later a light will shine through and it'll all make sense again. now it's slightly fuzzy.

anyway, whatever it is, self improvement is good! even if you arent the fastest runner, if you improve by 2 mins each time, you'll end up being faster than the average human being is my philosophy

as to what i deserve or what i can do, i really dont know. i do know that i am better than yesterday, last month, m3. so hey, one thing at a time right?! :)

and today was really so nice. one thing ticked off my bucket list. the heart beating in the cardiothoracic cavity is really such an amazing and humbling sight to witness

Thursday, May 30, 2013

heartbeat

thinking about the future is always stressful sigh. i dont know how some people can have all that energy to juggle so many things... good for them i guess. i think personally if i survive mbbs i'll be quite satisfied already lollll

quite a good day today, managed to intubate!! woots. the con and the mo were really nice too. and we sat through FIVE lap choles. anesthesia is so making up for me slacking off and hardly going to OT during all my surg postings. 

humanly, its difficult to relinquish control. once you get into the obsessive planning mode, you want to know that i will do a, b, and c and then eventually the goal will be reached. but i know it doesnt work like that. but i also cannot rest easy if it doesn't add up, even in the planning stage!! thoughts like, can i stand such a stressful competitive environment for the length of the training?! thoughts like, what if i dont live up to expectations and i get scolded (duh, inevitable, it happens to everyone cept the most zai). thoughts like, uh, are they even gonna accept me (but i spent so much time ruminating on the are they going to accept me part that i think i've come to terms with either conclusion HAHA). peace is good in whatever form one can get it, i guess

anyway, it's just that all these electives people keep asking me what i wanna do with my life. also cos it's a conversational topic i guess. I DONT KNOW!! i just wanna chillax as much as possible so i can be up and running when i need to, just wanna expose myself to as much cool stuff as i can without having exams hanging over my head, just wanna learn as much as i can in a chillax conducive learning environment instead of mindlessly memorizing mcq factoids. 

okay i feel much better now that ive unloaded that :) 

kinda excited for sip cos i like being useful and doing things!!! hate the med student follow around not doing anything not really understanding thingy. int med discussions on anaemia is a classical example. 

okay must read cardiothoracic anesthesia for tmr :) yayness

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

my everything

lee min ho's album is surprisingly good! okay so he is no opera singer, but the songs are all light and catchy and have that emotional underpinning to it



this is my fav out of all his songs
the day you gave me was like a present
thank you so much, i was really happy

typical love song, yet good. kinda like cheesecake. although i dont actually have anyone in mind atm, it still strikes an emotional chord within me

SO looking forward to my endo + cardio elective coming up in ttsh! we get to join the pgy teaching as well, and since im there for the whole of june, we get to sit in on all the core teaching! excited max. okay im a nerd, sorry. haha. it's just such a golden opportunity. i was really overwhelmed by the volume of ttsh teaching my m3 year, this time i pledge to do better! i really am loving electives so much. even though i didnt go overseas and play like mad, i kinda had a 2 yr elective where i had loads of fun hahaha. okay i did study like crazy and freak out every exam but that happens all the time anyway lol. just glad that i allowed myself to be dragged to all manner of strange things instead of just holing up and mugging like my inherent tendancy is to. anyway yes so electives is nice cos, you chose what you want to do, so you're starry eyed and excited about everything, you dont have exams to mug for so you're studying as you wish, okay there is some element of reading up to not look stupid, pressures variable depending on where youre doing your elective, but i think its good also to read up more, it allows u to make to most out of it. plus, it's all for fun, i dont think anyone is going to quiz me on induction agents after this week anymore. and also to me i think that m4 electives is the bridge between the blur med student and the m5 peri-mbbs student. it's the time period where people expect you to know something finally and so you buck up more and mature and try to get rid of that blur med student aura, in preparation for sip where you're expected to be part of the team.

part of me used to not like 'pretending' but sometimes it's fake it til you make it. over time, you get much less awkward (me at least) and more integrated into things... and i actually really enjoy that process! walking around the wards/ ots where you once tiptoed gingerly and day by day it becomes like your homeground, is such a nice feeling. i love it when nurses keep calling me doctor HAHAHA well i guess i dont look too far off from a blur newly minted ho... nurse "excuse me doctor" me" sure, but i'm not a doctor!!" nurse "oh *teehee*"

anyway, so must study. i was a bit bummed about the sip elective form thingy but i mean at least i didn't do badly. it's a really good experience that taught me a lot about how to function as an intern and i wouldnt have missed or traded this experience for anything else. if anything, it'll make me a better intern and a better dr next time. so no regrets, i did my best, and i didnt do that shabbily just not as sterlingly as i had naively wished. quite funny how i whatsapped weixian to angst but i forgot i changed my hp no so she was like *tells me marks* eh... who's this! LOL. as a consequence i'm more confused than ever where i should apply and which should i put first choice etc. but generally i mean you're supposed to choose what you like so it makes no sense to apply for tons and tons of different residencies. i mean you can only give it your best shot with the one you really want, this isnt like the us match where you can interview at 10 places. there are only like 3 institutions for each specialty anyway. and i wouldnt be competitive for more than 2 specialties since i only did research in those 2 areas (and even then does my neuro-radio project that lucy finished for me count AHAHA) and i didnt exactly have the most smartest finger in every pie elective schedule planning known to mankind.

so i dont really wanna think about it but my ocd-ness forces me to, i guess i'll go for the interviews and just mug my head off in m5 (while maintaining a life, for the sake of sanity), and think again at that point of time. but generally i'll just apply for the specialty i know i love. maybe my backups may not be perfectly plotted but i mean, as H and i agreed between surgeries, it's all up to God anyway. easily said publicly of course but one cant help but worry on a practical basis, even tho you know you shouldnt, it's human to worry. but philosophically i know it should be okay. the thing is there are things i wouldnt mind doing and enjoy loads, like emed, int med, just that i dont lie awake at night imploring the universe to give me willy wonka golden tickets to these residencies. i can imagine myself being happy in these places too (particularly nuh emed which i feel at home with ++ and fyi my plug setting rate is improving), just that i dont feel like i'll be heartbroken if i dont end up doing those things. ok so the conclusion is i dunno but i'll still apply peds cos im idealistic like that and i stupidly somehow believe a miracle will happen. search me, i have no idea why.

okay off to research cakes now! :) maybe strawberry shortcake?!

random post #100

yay i set quite a few plugs today, and also bag and masked tons of people. the first few were really stocky guys and quite difficult to bag (the con was like "what glove size do you wear? do you play piano? can you reach one octave?" me "yes i can play, but i'm terrible at it" LOL) but it got better. actually i think it's cos the pts heads got smaller not that my technique improved, but the nice mo dissecting my technique in a downtime debrief says it did so yay haha so nice of her

the list itself was quite nice today, drs richard & irene are so nice!! went for call, saw tons of stuff

gatsby yesterday was brilliant. at first leonardo di caprio was so obviously leonardo di caprio, rendering me unable to have suspension of belief that he was gatsby. especially since when reading a book 100 times for the purposes of essays/ just because it's beautiful and lyrical, you tend to get an idea of what you think the characters should look like. daisy and nick, okay, but i never in my life envisioned gatsby as leonardo di caprio. i think i imagined him to be slightly older and more... lined? but as nick says, when he met gatsby for the first time he was kinda shocked that he looked so young as opposed to what all the rumors had made him imagine.

as the film went on and the quirks of gatsby came out, somehow i became more and more convinced. really great job. as one review said, di caprio is the movie's best special effect. towards the end, nick's hero worship really rubbed off on me. i began to be most endeared towards this pure, hopeful fellow, who so believed in daisy and the green light. when he said bye to gatsby before going off to work, and said "you're better then the whole lot of them put together", i nearly felt like crying (specially since we all know the ending of the story). plus, he did look v handsome & muscular in that swimming costume. LOL.

daisy's voice indeed did sound like money, the phrase of which literally was the soundtrack of my essays. i cant count the no of times i quoted that. also the weather, and how hot it was that day in the plaza. also i once wrote an essay question on "parties in gatsby", very intellectual essay as you might imagine ;p

i LOVED the shirt throwing scene. one of those i'd imagined many a time as i read it.

i also loved that i finally understood the relation of east egg and west egg and such cos i remember reading it many times and not quite comphrehending the geographical location ahaha

most of all, i loved the green light. sometimes listening to some song or reading some poetry, and when i come across the phrase the green light, something awakes in me. some long buried memory, some trigger in my soul. its even more embedded in me than a pavlov's response. it seems to tell me that there is something beautiful, something luminous, something that transcends everything

watching the ending, the green light fading in and out of sight,

was beyond words

Sunday, May 26, 2013

standing egg

disclaimer: this is purely a philosophical exercise. i just want to write it out somewhere and think about it. 

series of disjointed thoughts

in the end, it all comes to this. there are a hundred leaves on the tree
~
how come the people you always fit so well with happen to be the people so associated with my public humiliation and who i happen to greatly despise and dislike, even before they find their puzzle pieces in you, kinda amuses me, in a macabre sort of way

its not pc at all to say this but i just had to make the observation. like the compulsion to act on an obsession. it's quite funny really in a very not funny way. the past comes back in shuddering waves. it's kind of like, there just has to be strong emotion associated with this, no question about it.
~

some people just give up altogether and descend into pessimism. i hadnt realised how possible that was until i read ___. i think that's just depressing. and to think that ___ seemed like he was so content with his life the other day haha like he'd got it all together. the masks we project

~

the funny thing is that all this makes me appreciate the years of sunniness i've been having, and makes me determined to continue this outlook on life. not that i did it deliberately. i guess when good things just keep on happening then even if you feel stressed to perform, somehow the happy things snowball and things just keep trending upwards. maybe i've outrun my series of space battles, and it's all rivendell from here on that's why.

i don't know. i used to enjoy angsting. i used to think it was cathartic and poetic. i don't anymore. i just literally function like a robot - coffee in, information out of my mouth. and anything that slows these processes down is just an unwelcome distraction. and honestly nowadays, even wandering around in sunlight midday feels so amazingly human. like i'm living a normal life like the rest of the world and can see sunlight. you have no idea how decadent it can feel like, to eat dimsum in the middle of the day, to have a three-day weekend with absolutely nothing hanging over your head. to be able to leisurely read textbooks purely for enjoyment and not because you want to impress anyone.

anyway i am not sure what is the point of posting this, but i guess i am more mature nowadays, which is great

to end on a happy note, i've been losing weight despite not gymming at ALL, so maybe that was the secret!! hahaha. me:1, world: 0 LOL

after time passes (jun hyung, BTOB)

Do you still think of me?
Me, who used to make you struggle, sad and hurt
Me, who thoughtlessly called you because I was drunk
My days have become too long
More than the times I spent with you back then
Though the minute hand of the clock goes around just the same

I will be living like that after time passes
I’ll meet someone else and say I love you
I’ll cast away the words I couldn’t say and my sadness
But as I look at myself like this
The person who made me happily smile more than anyone in the world
That person can’t be you anymore
So I stopped in place like a fool

The dust called you, no matter how much I brush it off, it won’t get brushed off
No matter how much I erase you, the stain called you won’t be erased, won’t disappear
I spill and spill you out but you don’t empty out
No matter how much I run and run, the milestone called you won’t come to an end
I’m trapped in a maze called you so I can’t do anything

Time has stopped after I let you go
As I follow and walk through the past memories
How are you? Are you really living well without feeling anything?
Can’t we meet again?
~

pretty song. i am SO slacking off tsk

i wanna go for brunch at au jardin but it's like $45 ugh.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

this love

last week was not too bad! FINALLY stepped into an OT and saw some o&g ops!! c-sections galore. cute babies. i had to restrain myself from going over & seeing what the neonates people were doing and cooing over the baby haha that wouldve given me away. saw plenty of spinals too yay, and 1 intubation, but the con told me that usually for obs pts it's not so good for students to intubate/ set iv plugs so okay :( then went over to the next door OT and met a nice MO who id previously met when he was doing SIP at TTSH. he was SO NICE and taught me loads :):) thank you h!!! and we just chilled out chatting about anesthesia, residencies, life, etc when they left him to fly solo in a v stable case haha. twas nice! and he was fiddling with the ventilator settings when the ETCO2 went slightly above 40 so got to think thru the settings, quite useful. after a while a con came in and just raised the PEEP to 5 and it was fine. oh yes then there was a 15 min procedure so the reg let me bag & mask the pt the whole 15 mins lolll in case i ever need to do bag & mask for a pt in the ward. apparently i'm quite gd at it [can one be bad at bag and mask..??] maybe it's pump class ftw

then fri was PUBLIC HOLIDAY. got to sleep in, then went orchard to take advantage of GSS deals + eat rainbow xiao long bao. oh how i love thee. went for a long run to botanics and mugged cushing's syndrome. actually it's very duh but just to know the full list of what we're expected to rattle off. also the buffalo hump is called INTERSCAPULAR FAT PADS cos it's not pc to say buffalo hump.

sat = combat with keeleong, it's always so enjoyable; find myself giggling at some random funny thing he says halfway thru some cool martial arts kata or something. church later!

sun will be watching gatsby! WOOT.


Wednesday, May 22, 2013

akdong musician

the mv is so pretty!!!
[lee hyun woo is also muchly pretty, heh]
and the song is catchy ++



paper scraps



the lyrics to this song are v sad/ bittersweet/ poignant if u google it

HAHA i was kinda kidding about the anesthesia goals thingy. i guess just wanted to make the most of the 2 weeks and also to rule in/ rule out anesthesia as a future career. i really did like it through most of med sch and actually, all along, up until the past 2 months of paeds. dont get me wrong, critical care still makes me feel excited which is why i requested for 2days of sicu and it's really interesting!! really grateful to the reg who was teaching me about ventilator settings today. one of those things that have always been a mystery to me. well it still is, but i know sliiightly more. it's just that, i dont feel as driven/ endorphin-full as i did in paeds. or maybe it's cos coming from having to write in case notes, do things etc, i really feel very UGH just following rounds. but im only in sicu for 2 days so i doubt they'll let me do much, if i really wanted to i should have gone for a longer rotation haish. ah well. also i have not smelt the inside of an ot yet due to scheduling [mostly my own fault cos i was asking if i can do more sicu, paeds anes, etc... haha. and also some baby mos]. which is good in the sense that i am being v lazy and i would prob look really silly being quizzed on anes stuff right now. must study. zzz. see what i mean about motivation!!

just so exhausted after 2 months of paeds that i have no energy for anything else haha. but it was SO MUCH FUN.

ok new goals
a) read -something- about opioids before pain clinic tmr
b) STEP INTO AN OT
c) set one iv line. THAT'S ALL I ASK
d) LMA people.
e) intubation hahahahaaha i doubt it. ah well. the patient will be better off without me intubating him/her i feel.

~

at midnight, thinking of everything that transpired. honestly, it has been such a long time since i thought of matters of the heart, i cant even remember the last time. i kinda prefer it this way. love is such a waste of time. dont feed the romantics

if you asked me few yrs ago, i would have scoffed at the thought that i would be ok one day. and honestly the most ridic things happened to me. rollercoaster emotions, or maybe it's just that being me = more rollercoaster emotions, not that usual people have such intensity of emotions? poets ftw

but amazingly, i am so grateful for the outcomes of everything. can't believe im saying this!!! seriously. i just feel that if i had really gotten what i wanted, i wouldnt be so happy now. it just didnt fit is what im saying

and i know that, despite my inmaturity, there is one thing that God really did mean for me. i am 100% sure of this. i dont know why i couldnt have not done some things at the time, but maybe the time wasn't ripe. it just wasn't the right time. one day, when all is forgotten, one day God's plan will come to fruition. okay, there are some things i could have refrained from saying, but that applies for MANY things hahaha. and do you know how many times in my life that that knowledge has given me strength, through the most random of times?! i dont think you will ever know

many people make me want to throw myself in front of a car, but only one person could light up the darkness
[okay METAPHORICAL]

seeing some stuff just made me 100% sure of this. because what you want isnt what you need

one day someone will pass a message i wish i could have passed. something i wish i could have felt then, but have felt many times since then. i dont know if i get any brownie points for following my heart and only acting when i truly feel something. maybe it's too late, in fact, it probably is

but i dont know why, that day i just had this feeling, that this is the way it's meant to be

and something i firmly believe and live my life by, is that if it is, it will be. and one thing i know, this isnt some crazy inmature thing, the kind that destroys me. those days are over & i'm so glad that God saved me from that.

if it happens, it will be something God-given, something beautiful.

just wanted to say this. epiphany #100

i'll let ya know if it was true or just another kite in the wind

heck pain clinic. shall sleep

Sunday, May 19, 2013

sea child

oranges on a sunday afternoon, reading baby miller. just got my endo timetable.

lots of things to do upcoming

plan
today
1. finish revising induction agents
2. gym
3. church
4. pack bag for tmr
5. SLEEP EARLY cos anesthetic gases always make me sleepy..

monday
1. pre-op clinic!
2. meet anes secretary to get my timetable/ timesheet

mon-sat
1. kiv gatsby with lit class?
2. try to gym more than i have been for the past 2 months [this wont be difficult at all. i just have to go more than 4x in the whole month. HAHA]
3. make sure i have a 100% plug setting rate!!!! hahahaha
4. try to do at least 1 intubation *hopeful*
5. try to tidy up research loose ends for all projects

next week
1. start studying endo!! fill up the pretty notebook i bought
2. springcleaning, literally haha
3. SHOPPING for more sedate clothing since in m5 half the time no white coat
4. try to obtain an adult steth somehow. prob have to buy. ah well.

june
1. bake some kinda cake [i'm thinking strawberry with macaroons on top!!]
2. make macaroons
3. bake heart shaped cupcakes for cardio tutor [just cant resist. hahaha]. cant think of anything punny to make for the endo tutor haha.
4. START MUGGING ORTHO for SIP

it's all happening so fast argh. must thoroughly enjoy the next 1.5 months of what is prob going to be the most slack time for a long time, haHA. okay off for combat now. :)

Friday, May 17, 2013

come back when you hear this song

Korea was all kinds of awesome. I am really so blessed :)

Incredibly tired now but hey at least had a proper hols :) if u dont count writing abstracts at midnight after sightseeing all day. No idea how I survived the past 2 months but it was really crazy and fun.

Just borrowed a v thick anesthesia text and am whatsapping the anes secretary LOL. Truthbe told I am more into peds atm but I really used to love anesthesia hahaha who can forget the offthewall anesthesia consultant in livingston and our ssc project in yr 1 and the crazy 2 hr ride to st johns...

Anyway electives is abt exploring and it shld be v fun! Also excited abt ttsh endo and cardio.

And great gatsy sometime next week! And cake making in june.

This is really the sweet reward after all that hard work

Thank God :)

Friday, May 10, 2013

reflections on sip

flying off tmr and CRAZY amt of stuff to settle

general thoughts
1. having now actually experienced working in this dept, i actually quite liked it!  it's definitely as stressful as its made out to be and expectations are very high but that pushes me to work harder. the most striking thing for me is that my consultant is actually incredibly nice and compassionate where previously i had been literally quaking in my boots just thinking about any of the cons. she also listened to me during ward rounds whenever i tried to present and no one ever cut me off halfway or anything.

2. i learnt a lot from both my mo supervisors. in terms of practicality, how to do things fast and efficiently, how to deal with people.

3. had my first paeds call yesterday! stayed up until 4AM with the mo who was really calm considering it's her 2nd MO call ever. it was grace who is SO NICE and who i first met in the mo room the day after her 1st HO call!! time flies. haha. anyway it made it such a nice experience. the reg and ho was v nice too.  ended up that i helped quite abit by preclerking patients, distracting kids during bldtaking, etc. i LOVE feeling useful like preclerking! :)  quite a few adms too and lots of patient reviewing. grace was so extremely motivated, she just kept reviewing pts one after another tirelessly at 330am. -awe-.

in summary, i think i had a good run :) i really gave it my all. i def surpassed my own expectations about my performance and i have no regrets and i had a great time. i dont think i could ask for more.

okay now off to settle research stuff.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

sleep talking

v tired.

call tomorrow

watched loads of scopes today, surprisingly i didnt feel bored. the indication for scope was all quite interesting for each! usually when watching scopes in adult surg i'm really zzz

as i was going off, a new pt came in, jumped at the chance to go see

i'm not doing as badly as i -thought- i was, but neither am i summarizing patients longwindedly at morning rounds... most of what i do is like just telling the team what went on overnight and any temp spikes, etc. ah well. i love calling other depts/ the lab/ tracing results too, makes me feel useful (i know, im nuts haha).

now i must
1. shower
2. finish revising neonatal jaundice for tmr
3. ask the pt abt blood grp etc tmr/ look in the health booklet
4. find the abstract my tutor edited last time cos i need to edit it etc post call. WIN. the first full call in my life and i need to spend the post-call time finishing up my research. can anyone say doomt. oh actually i did 2 full surg calls in GS and 1 in o&g.
5. pack my thumbdrive to edit the abstract
6. buy cards for my tutors either on thurs/ fri
7. arrive at 7am to do the usual. zzz
8. pack painkillers haha.

the plan is
- call
- post call
- morning round + give tutors cards
- research
- sleep
- pack
- fly off

sigh too happening alr. OKAY I HOPE I SURVIVE TMR. i guess i hope i present and i present well. gulp.

Friday, May 3, 2013

do you remember

1.  i want to be a pediatrician more than anything else. and i'm proud of that fact. the only way i would regret is if i chose unwisely and ended up not being one. but actually having done rotations at both places, i liked both places and really wouldn't mind either. the qn is, how do i make this wise choice?!

2. very glad for this opportunity :) i kinda miss ce, maybe i'm just emed-inclined in general heh. i really enjoyed my time there even with all the night shifts! that said i really like my mo and my reg, and i still get a cheap thrill from writing in the notes & stamping my name. 

3. simulation was... ugh, well i guess at least i managed to figure out the management. haha. so we may not get FULL MARKS but we prob passed. i guess. pwahaha. small mercies. as i was walking back to go to clinic after, this thought crossed my mind "i guess if i get in here after that, it's literally a miracle" HAHA story of my life. nah unforch i dont think that's prophetic, i think it just means i need to work harder. hey i'm going to do a HO posting in peds NO MATTER WHAT so i need to know how to manage these conditions. 

must book accom tmr. 

trust God.