About Me

Sunday, June 30, 2013

here i am

Here I am Lord
Is it I Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night
I will go Lord
If you lead me
I will hold your people in my heart.


one of the songs today at church :) fitting start to m5. asked the priest for a blessing and he prayed that i would use my gifts wisely to help the sick and the needy which i thought was a good prayer :) i hope so too. although i am not really sure if i have any gifts but i sure hope i use whatever i have wisely and help people, starting from however little or much we can do this yr onwards, lol.

research is ramping up nicely. really God's will be done, i have absolutely no control over how things turn out on that front. but in terms of submitting to conferences im sure i can do something, at some point in time (c.f m5 starting tomorrow)

okay must mug trauma for tmr. go go go!

love love love



i know most of the locations here in this mv! especially the famous hongdae playground i insisted on visiting the last day in korea. lovelove :) he does give off a rather jason mraz feel here

When the minute hand and hour hand of the clock reach the top
I suddenly think of your face
Forgive me, I’m sorry that I met you, that I loved you
I hope we can forget with time, I’ll let you go now

roy kim - 12 o clock

all right

first run since the haze started :):) running with new songs in my ipod always makes me happy. it was a deccent time too, 39 there and 40mins back!

unfortunately im totally smashed today

also, havent studied any ortho. oops

okay aims for today
1. at least study the shoulder exam
2. and maybe hands. [haha! so ambitious]
3. briefly read my m3 ortho summaries maybe itll jog something and i wont have to re-study it from scratch
4. pack my room which currently looks like a hurricane
5. church!
6. SLEEP BEFORE 11PM. difficult. i might need to run 11++ km again, last night had most sound sleep ever. but i did dream of cardio tutorials HAHAHA


old TVXQ song which is still nice

Saturday, June 29, 2013

wish

Even for the small things in life, I want to know His heart
I want to walk on that road, that narrow road
I want to know my smallness and know His greatness
Hope– I want to walk on that deep road
Rather than being a tall mountain, I hope to be a hill that can be climbed
Rather than shining light on my own path, if only I can shine on someone else’s path
Just as I’m singing, just as I’m saying
I hope I can live like that, I want to die like that
Even for one part of my life, I want to resemble Him
Love — I want to walk on that high road
- lee seung chul
i am in LOVE with his songs + lyrics! they have this mellowness to them plus introspection rarely seen in kpop. approximating poeticness as much as pop can have really. the lyrics above are simply amazing. they say what i want to, but can't find the words to express. 
even for the small things in life, i want to know His heart/ i want to walk on that road, that narrow road

can't think of anything truer than this. i know i haven't been the best lately, but not the worst either, right?! theres always room for improvement i guess. honestly ive been so caught up in cardiac trials and all their names and early morning ecg lectures i havent thought too much about it... but one of the reasons i am drawn to cardio is because i really like the idea of PCI saving lives. yes maybe its tv glam and the actual PCI is rather lengthy haha but still. i like the trials cos it fulfils my inner nerd... i love answering during tuts that in AF the target HR is 110 due to the RACE-2 trial. i get sooo much satisfaction from knowing that fact. basically cardio fulfils the dual loves i have for med - the nerdiness part and the humanity part. i actually think my tutor is one of the best and most humane drs i have ever seen. respect ++

haha anyway, it'll be such an awesome memory in my life, this 2 weeks. plus i was looking at some past yr qns and i think all the teaching on statins and htn and heart failure and warfarin will really help me in finals ++. really words cannot express my gratefulness. honestly all i signed up for was to hear murmurs and we learnt so much more than that.

so yes, it is difficult sometimes to keep your eyes on the whole point of our existance when u get distracted by all these cool exciting shiny stuff but i think that it can co-exist!!
~
I was the kid who kept falling and getting up and falling down again
With tears dropping and my heart crying, it was like that back then
My days are just like those times, things haven’t changed much
I’ve endured and endured and now I’m covered with scars
You’re going over there, you, whom I love
I want to catch you, I try to catch you but you’re a step farther
One Love One Life, you get fainter, I want to hold onto you more and more
I run on the run way, my heart is about to burst but don’t stop and just go
Run Way
I don’t know where I am and where to go
My shoulders and droopy and my footsteps are heavy, it’s hard
~

omg, this song really reminds me of nichole nordeman's i am. which is like the song of edinburgh, and the song of my life. maybe the whole point of this shebang was that i was supposed to come across this song which i would have never found otherwise?! haha ok prob not the only point. but a very large proportion prob

you watched my team win
you watched my team lose
you watched my bicycle go down again
and when i was weak
still i could call your name
and i said elbow healer, super hero
come if you can
and you said i am
only sixteen, life is so mean
you watched my heart break
and when i swore i'd never love again
and i said heartache healer, secret keeper
be my best friend
and you said i am

whenever i hear this song, i am strengthened. not becos of any flurry of gd things that may have happened like reccently (thank u though God we are def grateful!!), but because in spite of my inadequacies, i feel that God is there and has always been there. it's counterintuitive cos it's not that u are a fair-weather friend and curse when things dont go ur way, rather, the times that make your heart ache and how you found respite, peace in God then, somehow bolsters ur belief. it's the painful times he was there that means something to me not just the amazeballs miracles sprinkled thru my life (altho those obviously occupy a special place too).

relying on feel-good things dissapates quickly in a time-proportionate manner. remembering how God will always pick u up from the slumps to at least a neutral level somehow always sticks with you. when you are at your weakest, that is when he is at his strongest. somehow that gives me the most hope. that even if any difficult times come up, i know i can def handle it.

goals for m5
1. do it for God. i would not have made it to this day without him. i am certain that if he did not give me a certain miracle... i dont wanna know what would have happened. the tension might have killed me LOL. i dunno what do it for God means tbh but i guess it means study well to be a good doctor but be really nice and charitable to everyone even if i feel sleepy or snappy due to lack of sleep. i guess it means if a pt is overclerked to not go and disturb the patient. i guess it means to give my friends cases and brownies (i actually love doing these two things btw). the ends do NOT justify the means, just keep remembering that. i think there is prob more la but tts btw me and God heh. i trust that d they all will keep me on the right path.
honestly there is no point pushing it cos i just want to do what God wants me to do. its just that right now im not 100% clear as to what that is. so even if by some chance i push my way to the top and get sth it may not be what God wants. so i want this yr to be firstly and foremostly to put God first. like not to skip church to mug (guilty ++) cos what's the point. does this make any sense?! haha my convoluted logic. i think religion is both something that is v personal and also sth that has some underlying theology under it. but i'm getting closer to understanding all this as time goes along YES. to be really fair i think the edin yrs def brought me closer to God lah. so ok there was a purpose. haha

2. SLEEP BEFORE 10PM EVERYDAY. i was so freaking sleepy the whole electives cos electives mah can slack so i slept very late everyday haha
3. gym or run like at least... 3 times a week... seriously if i dont go, i just bum at home and watch dramas and eat cereal anw. its not exactly like im mugging my head off. so i might as well go. okay fine. two times. SANITY YKNOW

:)

am - ward rounds, then we go see 2 cardio cases
afternoon - join paces cardio teaching!
pm - ecg tutorial by my awesome tutor :)

productive last day of electives/ m4!!

Friday, June 28, 2013

good times

currently wondering if I should join my tutor on cardio call tmr?!!

cool stuff we've seen/ done recently
- stress echo with dipyradimole (sp?!) testing
- pericardial tap!!
- loads of mechanical valves. had one free hr and staked out the anticoagulation clinic. the pharmacist was quite amused by us and asked "actually when u auscultate what do u hear ah?" and lent us her warfarin notes. she was v nice!! the pts were quite nice about us listening to their hearts also luckily :) one asked "do u hear the music in my heart? tick tock tick tock" LOL. v grateful to them honestly
- loads of ESMs and ARs and things
- nni Tuesday teaching (these always make me SO HAPPY). latmed syndrome and some cheem eye signs in the first patient
- cardio journal club on the goodness of statins. the mo's hilarious ans on what he learnt "the rabbits! so u just feed them feed them then give them a low lipid diet after" hahah reminds me of his pacemaker bundle teaching the other day "so antibiotics, check no bleeding, cannot turn here turn there.." and his ans to side effects of sotalol "bradycardia...... NAUSEA, RASH, DIAHORREA, VOMITING"
- the cardio journal club on triple or double therapy post ami + af was v interesting too!!

mm maybe theres more but I've forgotten, HAHA

I is happy

ALSO I got a project accepted for a conference!! well not an intl one but one step at a time :):) lots of work upcoming, dunno WHEN I can do up my poster ah well. and another really happy thing happened yesterday

thank you God :):) we don't deserve all these blessings when we react so humanly, pettishly towards every small and big setback in life actually but u always come through. i am always amazed at your neverending grace despite our human flaws. this is not one of those when things go badly make noise when things go well then be a fairweather friend thing, this is me giving gratitude where its due. this is storing up all these belief like an xp bar, so when things become lean as they always do late at night or when facing things that are more than i can handle, as i have done so many things, to think back on this time of plenty where suddenly God gives us such a huge amount of happy stuff out of nowhere. to remind myself that He loves us, that miracles happen; to always keep the faith and be a good person. im not sure if this is a v theologically sound theory haha but anw its just good fuel on a long journey. m5 is starting, im beyond scared!! but i know that he has got my back and that if i keep the right mindset, rmb why i did this all in the first place, remember how he brought me to this exact spot for some reason i am still trying to find out, i think it'll be ok

okay go go ward rounds at 730 ughh

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

dont know about too many things

Hi world,
Despite knowing of the pitfalls, I somehow managed to still fall into the same traps as I always have been falling into. Sigh

Not only that, the same routine going slightly off, needing to run to others for counsel, looking totally manic and stuff

On one hand, I guess that shows my sincerity this time, that I really meant it, to have everything so randomly suddenly thrown off like that. But life doesnt work like that and I dont get brownie points for being sincere.

On the other hand, I really do not need this right now tbh no matter what people may have done for me in the past, it doesnt really warrant this major confusion and distraction. Yes ive had harmless crushes along the way but this kinda serious THIS iS it thing really disturbs the balance and is bad bad bad

Thank you everyone who listened to my ranting esp r, m and d, and sorry for inflicting ramblingness on u guys. This was at best the wrong thing for the right reason and at worsesvt with aberrancy  haha

Coming like 5 days before m5 it serves as a warning that I need to protect my heart (cv risk factors!! Hehe) and not give it away so easily. Not even to people I think is safe to give it to cos they actually might want it

There is no safe to give away

And if God is telling me something, well I dont kmow but youd think the signs would be really obvious and not blocked at every turn with advisers telling me im just searching for things where they dont exist and trying to prove things and basically im just searching for what I want to hear

I didnt really hear what I wanted to hear but ah well. Obviously huh?! Thanks u guys for being patient and most imptly for telling me the truth. Too many times in the past I have been misled and done silly things prodded on by blind leading the blind scenarios


As for regrets, maybe what I did wasnt so silly after all

Maybe its not just abt timing but compatibility. If it was meantn to be it wouldnt feel so.. like this.maybe theres a reason however subconsciously I acted then.

When I speak of hurt, it can be a passive hurt. Either way, not sth im unused to


I think the most impt is to realize that no matter how long its been, its easy to let onws defenses down, and I really shouldnt do that, wont do that frkm now on

Case closed :) normality resumes

No more weirdness tmr?!!!! Hopefully... haha

Saturday, June 22, 2013

start of something new



high school musical + kpop = LOVE. obviously.

but actually I just posted this cos the guy in the mv kang dong ho is extremely cute!!!

Friday, June 21, 2013

grateful

today was an AWESOME day.

arrived at 720 and wasnt late for ecg club, which my awesome tutor actually smsed to remind us about it at like 11pm. wow i have never met a tutor, even in the whole of my electives, who would sms a student to remind them of something cool/ fun/ interesting happening the next day. i hereby conclude that dr L is the nicest + most hardworking tutor i have ever met. it was great teaching on brugada as well as loads of other stuff :)

then rounds, and then clinic. theN after lunch examined a v nice uncle with a lovely pristine ESM radiating to the carotids and a metallic (ok fine it wasnt that metallic more of a loud thumpish s2) s2  ie, CLASSIC SIGNS. and he was so nice about it!! thank you x100 uncle, this is the first time in my life i have appreciated these signs with full appreciation altho i have probably been dragged to hear these cases many times thus far. may you miraculously get better from everything as good karma for the many medical students you helped these few days :)

after that we went to pacemaker clinic where we watched the reps checking the pacemakers. so cool! then off to mug for tutorial. seriously love this quiz format, i think i learn super alot from it, but also because my tutor gives a lot of practical information ++, usually preceded by "actually i'm just smoking you guys *proceeds to quote guidelines and clinical trials*" and says lots of random clinically useful stuff that people never really teach u and dunno where u are supposed to pick it up from. also i must say i really have a LOT of respect for this guy, becos he is so genuinely concerned about the patient and also is so nice to everyone BUT when he needs to put his foot down he definitely does. really respect. he also keeps telling me which cons have good bedside manners but actually i think his is quite good also leh. haha anyway in summary, i'm really glad i picked this elective & learnt loads from it. like 10000 times more than my gen med posting.

haha also, today is the day that i was supposed to graduate and become a doctor.  on one hand, i think definitely there IS this slight twinge of, eh, i was supposed to graduate today and everyone has graduated ahh!! but everytime i think of it, i have this strong conviction that the way it turned out is the way it was meant to be, that just to reach this day unscathed, is an amazing miracle, one i would not give up for ANYTHING. ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. i remember.  its totally counterintuitive, but i think God knows exactly what i mean.

thank you God. i promise to be a really good doctor (and start by being a really good medical student). i promise to try never to hurt or harm anyone thru my negligence. i promise to never be snarky to people around me when i am stressed, but yet to always do the right thing. i promise to not lurk around quietly in the background but instead go and be proactive and learn stuff. in less than a year's time, i'll be a doctor for real. it's such a scary thought. no longer will all these be theoretical exam answers, it'll be the real deal. somehow i feel that this elective period alone has grown me in ways i never imagined (and luckily, i dont mean horizontally). both the educational aspect and the people aspect.

i was very lucky to largely meet awesome mentors. notably my pedsneuro con whom i respect immensely for his dedication, intelligence and general genius-ness as well as for pushing me to submit papers. and whom i really enjoy discussing pedsneuro my fav topic in the world with. when he printed a huge stack of stuff he gives the pedsneuro regs for homework on the kindling of the brain cells and stuff i seriously almost cried in gratitude, such was the magnitude of my joy, i cant express it. of course i just thanked him profusely and went off. and also the endo tutor who single handedly saved my medicine and taught me more than i learnt during the entire gen med posting. and now dr L who is going out of his way to give us tutorials starting at 5pm every night. really thank God :)

Thursday, June 20, 2013

the thing i swore up and down id never say again

that even if it was a dream, i'm happy that it even happened at all

the brightly shining thing

thank you for everything

in that moment, it made so much sense

things always make sense in these weird moment

why it had to be this way, that God exists, one of those things
thank you for the happiness, then, and now, and for making me utterly convinced in that moment, of God's providence, timing, and wisdom. i just kept thinking "in God's time".

on another note i think i am er not exactly crystal ball material cos during clinic i felt this very strong urge to go into internal med when i was hearing the pt tell his life story. i just.. wanted to save all these patients forever. he considers the dr his savior and calls him dr angel wow that's so sweet. (thats not the reason why i want to help patients btw, i just... duh.... who doesnt want to help people. obviously). actually dr angel reminds me of pravin doing his debate HAHA. anyway. i had this strong urge to ask my tutor for a cardio project becos i want to change my course halfway but anyway we had to go off for a tutorial and i have no time in m5. and kids are so cuteeee... anyway tomorrow i will not have anything intelligent to say and i will be very sleepy. argh....

call my name



nice new song from 2pm!

it's been a nice couple of days :)
watched PCI & pacemaker insertion & listened to loads of prosthetic heart valves. thanks to michelle's kindness in letting us know abt the arrythmia team's cases today, and people who gave us cases

the MO that made me really depressed earlier in the week cos we were gg around looking for cases and he was like 'i'm very busy!!!!' and hence causing me to loudly angst 'everyone rejects us.. the patients rejected us, the mo rejected us... i feel so rejected!!' causing a nearby nurse to laugh at us, was quite friendly on a ward round the other day. actually he looked rather post-call so i offered to help him return a cow and he was like *visibly brightens* that would be really nice of you! and i felt like i was helping the world however infininitesmitely HAHA

yesterday, met ks randomly in the gym! haha so nice to bump into him there. it was truly random like i was sleeping against a wall waiting for a class to start

our tutor has been making mcqs for us and they are quite cheem but thus far i have been reading up (i guess the teaching method works then since it FORCES pple to read up haha) and i managed to get 15/20 for the 2 quizzes so far. some really nice cheem postgrad cardio teaching too which goes over my head esp the echo teaching but i v enjoyed it actually

now must mug lipids + heart failure + murmurs

sleep is for the weak!

oh and i seriously think my tutor is the best combination of kindness and also medical knowledge ive come across thus far. some people veer to one end of the spectrum but he manages to do both concurrently which is really commendable!!

Sunday, June 16, 2013

tinkerbell

awesome endo posting!

also loving cyrano dating agency and i hear your voice which provide me with many hours of entertainment

self arranged cardio posting coming up next, wondering how it'll turn out hahaha. at least i should be slightly better at murmurs and heart failure at the end of this, i guess! i know after my 2 weeks of endo i def know how to differentiate ild and bronchiec at least! yes i know, a bit odd haha our tutor was a very well connected fellow with many friends and as a result always was a source of short cases. he also loved to quiz each of us on the same topic repeatedly until the causes of hepatomegaly were drilled into us. good stuff.


I asked you what a memory is
It was hard to listen to your answer without tears
You said a memory is something
That won’t ever come back, that you can never have again

Those days will come so will you be okay?
Will you be okay with just living with memories?
lee seung chul - the day to love



Sunday, June 9, 2013

seasons

obsessed with sims stuff haha. if only i could magically get a new sims 3 + expansions pwahaha. i dont know why my cds keep dying on me, it's so annoying

plans for next week
mon
8am ward rounds
1-2pm massive internal med resident teaching (this stuff is gold)
gym
tues-thurs - try to get electives form from kk
fri
church thingy?!
sat
cg baking
sun
mug cardio like mad

oh high tea today was AMAZING. although i also havent done much physical activity for... unfortunately, no good reason at all. so... GGXX

Saturday, June 8, 2013

dyspepsia, fatigue, malaise

ddx:
- slacking off
- idiopathic

hmmm....

whatever it is, it's pissing me off! so much to do and learn and so little motivation to do anything more than bum around all day and watch korean neurosurgery dramas... on the bright side some of the sicu knowledge is being... reinforced haha. a patient had subarachnoid haemorrhage and after surgery they need to watch out for VASOSPASM so they do tcd! i remember all the tcds in sicu.

okay on the bright side things are looking up
- seaweed for tomorrow
- in a few days, hopefully, this waiting for something will be over! well it'll be replaced by pain, but i sometimes think the waiting is worse
- i love my new notebooks for int med/ neuro. i also love all the nni notes on dropbox although it also makes me feel slightly horrified. i wonder if i should make one more attempt to do a neuro elective during dec sigh will they let me?!!! i really need to revise neuro before finals lol

i would

another henry song. beautiful :)


Nothing has ever broken me like you did
No one I ever wanted more than you
If I could just get over you I would
Don’t wanna love you anymore

And missing you is like fighting a war
It’s a battle I’m losing
And I’d give up if I could
If I could walk away as easily as you I Would

Thought I’ve seen enough to know it all
But not enough to know how it feels to fall
But the kind of pain you left me with
It never seems to heal
And it never lets me go

Tell me how can I feel no feelings?
Is there a way to leave it all behind?
~

doesnt currently describe anything now, since i havent felt any emotions for as long as i can literally remember, but for the past and the future, things to remember, things to avoid
nothing has ever broken me like you did

Friday, June 7, 2013

velcro

becoming much better at distinguishing fine and coarse creps!

despite my dyspepsia of known origin, life is actually pretty nice right now :) learning loads, and answering qns generally correctly (altho there was def some panic yesterday as i realised that the line of questioning was quickly approaching my limits of knowledge haha). i think also my tutor is incredibly nice plus has a really gentle personality so he never scolds us or makes us feel bad for not knowing the answer, he will just teach. still feel bad about zhaoing early but if it was just dyspepsia alone i would def have hung on, in my books once there is v i will def zhao. and also now the dyspepsia is increasing in intensity. ugh.

and also the people doing this elective with me are so nice!! really enjoying myself :):) thank you God for helping me choose this elective!

random amusing quote of the day - junheng whatsapping the endo group "sweet dreams guys but dont go into dka" LOL

cranberries

ttsh is great. if i pass mbbs it will be def cos of my endo tutor

feeling really slack cos i left quite early today sigh. in my defense, i had nbnb vomiting x2, aetiology unknown, and then did an abdo pe right after that. and we saw loads of good cases this morning. but knowing my tutor, he prob went thru massive loads of stuff in the afternoon, right now in fact. bleh. i will work harder next week! seeing my batchmate following the cardio team around also stressed me out for next 2 weeks. i dont know any cardio!! argh


Monday, June 3, 2013

some thoughts

cliche but, it's better this way

it makes me feel peace to know this is better, cos if He can sort that mess out, He can definitely sort out what's going to happen in my future, which is nowhere near the tangled mess of emotions

which maybe i never really explored
maybe one day, when aaaalll this is over and i'm far far removed from this with hindsight, i can write something about it, that is generic enough so people who have no idea what its all about can still have that emotional connection to it.

maybe it's not about having the most intense life experiences so you can write the best poems about it

that's a thought

anyway. okay. peace. good.

room in antwerp

poems of the day land in my inbox all the time, but this one spoke to me, somehow. i didnt delete it without thinking as usual

today was a good day, ttsh style :) this is EXACTLY what i signed up for, internal medicine boot camp to whip myself into m5 worthy shape! speaking of bootcamps, i should do some nike training club later. but... zzzzz....

it started with 2 acromegaly patients and whirl of short cases, in and out of lifts, then a long osce ppt, then three massive core acute medicine lectures for the HOs - chest pain & hypotension, acute abdomen, acute respi distress. lots of good stuff!! after that went for clinic, lots of graves disease, thyroid nodules, hypoparathyroidism, conns, gastrinoma, the usual stuff. but the tutor really quizzed us like crazy in between patients. i managed to answer :) happy. then went back to the wards with m for more, including a really awesome respi case

Sunday, June 2, 2013

chocolate covered strawberries

last vestiges of slackdom! have been spending the weekend knee-deep in sloth. watched THREE episodes of house and one of a korean drama about neurosurgeons (love).

now desperately reading about RAI for endo electives commencing tomorrow plus, uh, trying to think of cake ideas haha

happiness... a lot of it IS dependent on the environment surrounding you. but a component of it is also a construct; it's what you choose to believe. sometimes you may have to believe a little more strongly in faries, in order to reach that same level of happiness (Vmax! haha) in any case, this was never predicated upon me being awesome and completely deserving _____. it was always that God equips those he calls. i definitely believe much less that i am called to it now, thanks to the few days of feeling inadequate and realizing that i strongly dislike my abilities being obviously compared to that of others and clearly falling short. it's not that i dont believe, it's just that the thought of that feeling being status quo forever is quite off putting. and i have shot for the stars and landed in a volcano before. yeah im more prepared this time, but still... anyway, i think it's less stressful when i dont spend every waking hour plotting how to overcome myself, let alone how to overtake others. i think i'll just spend the time fulfilling the role of medicalstudent as best as i can, which is actually really difficult to begin with. and today i think i woke up on the right side of the bed. LOL.

plans for m5/ henceforth
1. sleep early every night. max 11pm!!
2. study for 1 hour every night. this means real studying, not watching tv on the computer with a book in front of me
3. run or gym or do some physical activity at least 2x/ week
4. bake cupcakes to give people. i used to think this was sucking up but srsly i found out lots of my batchmates are routinely giving tutors chocolates (cough) SO i might as well just practice my baking skillz. it's a good excuse to bake too.
5. be a nice person to people around me.

http://chocolateandcarrots.com/2013/03/rainbow-cupcakes-for-two

RAINBOW CUPCAKES
what can i say. i have an obsession
must. make. these

Saturday, June 1, 2013

air city

things that make me happy, in no particular order
- h2g2 quotes
- cereal (serotonin ++)

“Sometimes if you received an answer, the question might be taken away.”
Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

“He had a nasty feeling that that might be an idiotic thing to do, but he did it anyway, and sure enough it had turned out to be an idiotic thing to do. You live and learn. At any rate, you live”
Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

“NO ADMITTANCE.
NOT EVEN TO AUTHORISED PERSONNEL.
YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME HERE.
GO AWAY.”
Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

“You know,' he said, sitting back, reflectively, 'it's at times like this that you kind of wonder if it's worth worrying about the fabric of space-time and the causal integrity of the multidimensional probability matrix and the potential collapse of all waveforms in the Whole Sort of General Mish Mash and all that sort of stuff that's been bugging me.”
Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

“Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don't know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen.

Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer.”
Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

“To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem.”
Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

The point is, you see”, said Ford, “that there is no point in driving yourself mad trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and save your sanity for later”. ?
— The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, Douglas Adams.

mostly harmless

seems like a day for h2g2 quotes!

Slartibartfast: Perhaps I'm old and tired, but I think that the chances of finding out what's actually going on are so absurdly remote that the only thing to do is to say, "Hang the sense of it," and keep yourself busy. I'd much rather be happy than right any day.
Arthur Dent: And are you?
Slartibartfast: Ah, no.


~

on a literally unrelated note, i really want to spend today reading all the books in the discworld series. and maybe a caramel macchiato. or a green tea frappe? 

and then i want to run til midnight, and then bake a cake til dawn. strawberry shortcake. 

and then wake up at midday to find ive won the nobel prize

unfortunately, it's just gonna be any other normal saturday, dont get me wrong, i like normality, i like sunshine and oranges and wishes. 

i keep wanting perfection but the goalposts of perfection keep changing

and it was then that i realised what was missing lately in the middle of all this hedonism as it always does - peace. 

peace - something so hardwon and difficult to come by. with which you can withstand every bulldozer in the galaxy

maybe if i speed through my to do list i can find myself in kino, or rather immersed in the world of ankh morpork by evening. but inertia prevents me from getting out of the house. ugh