About Me

Saturday, August 31, 2013

give me a chance - airplane

made a choice which i havent for a long time. when you dont know what to do, just pick one side and stick to it. if you cant bear with the consequences, dont pick that side.

everything has consequences and its just which is worse. on hindsight, i picked the better side. in the past some may think that i acted in ways that were odd and judge me for it, but i know that i walked my own version of the moral highground, i always chose what i would regret the least.

found myself wondering why are there echoes of my past bad habits. but it serves as a good reminder. that i made the right choices then, and that, extenuating circumstances and good reasons aside i should strive not to repeat the bad habits, if at all possible.


love box



seungri *hearts*

i also LOVE TRX

and saturdays

lots of random thoughts but i think basically, its weighing risks and benefits. and u should never try to please everyone, end up pleasing no one, and end up feeling really guilty. just pick one side, and go with it, and accept the consequences

medicine has taught me a lot about how to get rid of lots of unecessary worries/ thoughts cos there is just too much so u brush it all off and anyway there isnt much time to think about anything haha

MUST FINISH MENINGITIS. AND HIV. AND SKIN AND SOFT TISSUE ughh the lib is so the closing soon. but trx this morning was suuuuper fun. i love weekends ++


the harmonies are breath-taking (quite literally)

i particularly like the part where they sing that person who i believed so much was gone/ i didn't know before, i really didnt know something about the tone they sing it in/ the melody is really touching

house ep 2

end of the week with the nicest con + reg ever. as in, EVER. you know usually people rush in if you have the slightest hesitation when presenting, and sometimes they dont even let u present at all. when the con asks "what's your plan?" the reg will say "them or me?" or ask us "what would you do?" AMAZED. and today he was reaaaally zzzzz and was like "ok no learning points for today....." 5 mins later he was discussing some learning points LOL

well part of it is they're nice and part of it is ID wants us to do it SIP-style & are generally very pro-knowledge dissemination, usually through the airborne route ;p 

went for grand rounds today, was quite interesting!! 

i dont know, i just feel so involved in the round and the decision-making, and i totally understand every reason for everything they do, or if i dont, it's really easy to ask and the con will definitely explain. like the 16s and 18s PCR thingy, thought that was really cool too. c wanted to go watch and the reg was like ".... its like a rice cooker. you just put the thing in, and... it cooks the rice. then u take it out" pwahah

and the con kept asking us random trivia which is so interesting! dont know how to explain it, but at around 645pm as we were all standing around a computer looking at sensitivities and discussing antibiotics and the gen med and other teams kept swinging by to discuss patients, i realised for the first time that even though it was a friday i didnt feel at all that i was sian & wanted to go home, i was actually enjoying myself listening to the discussion (and being randomly quizzed about arcane id knowledge) & trying to figure out the most likely ddx

i also managed to squeeze in 2 cardio shorts & 1 endo short [i knew the dx the moment i saw the patient, thanks to my endo tutor and remembering how jh was holding our present for him and trying to remember the stuff he taught us about that condition, and how on the first day of our endo posting he brought us to see 2 patients with that condition one after another and we were TOTALLY STUMPED and he was like... i just taught u guys this!!!! hahah]

PRODUCTIVE. 
weekend 
sat gym + meet mich?!
sun mug in sch + do malaria presentation

Thursday, August 29, 2013

house

id makes me feel like house!!

this is what i signed up for in med school, puzzling over diseases & strange presentations, having the magic qn u ask the patient be the diagnosis-clincher. not really short cases and trying to differentiate between ild and bronchiec in the thousandth patient, not really trying to coax uncles & aunties to show me their signs so i can learn and ace exams

seeing exam worthy things, makes me feel accomplished like ticking things off a to-do list, closing the knowledge gap just that much more, increasing the chances of exam passing just that little bit more

BUT the past 3 days in id where we are allowed to write blue letter replies, trace the temporal pattern of what happened to the pt, what abx was given, what procedures was done, and even come up with diagnoses and plans, have taught me so much more than the endless respi short cases where we induce-sputum out jansen koh notes (altho i am grateful to him for his notes).

i am really grateful to our reg who lets us go see the patients and also who expects a good presentation and who debriefs us extensively after the con leaves with learning points everyday and all. i can understand why c wants to buy him lunch because i have not had such a fruitful experience before where they slowly listen to us present, ask us what we think, what we would do... basically no one has so patiently listened like this before to the bumbling med students. and best of all, the reg writes his own blue replies as well and sees the patients too so we arent doing anything dangerous, haha. and so far my 3 patients have all been really nice and not told me go stop bothering them or anything. hahaha.

and we sometimes get the dx, sometimes not. i actually LOVE that! becos our reg takes his blue letters away so we are forced to think through the dx ourselves, and come to a conclusion, and present it, and if we're wrong, then we learn from it :)

also today at id-haem rounds there was yummy food
and i met m today :) and also i printed my poster!!

i is happy

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

how to love



oh baby tell me how to lo-ooooove
it's okay if we're left with scars

~
crazily addictive song
~

met a really nice patient in the wards today! presented the whole patient from beginning to end with the con actually listening to what i was saying & taking our opinions into account (!!!). amaaaazing. the reg and con are also super nice :):) i like.

Monday, August 26, 2013

sleep talk

sometimes i really wonder how people balance research with studying, or even at higher levels, with working?! or working AND studying!?

for me, i always end up doing it at funny times (think in a korean b&b in hongdae at midnight on my precious 1 week holiday), on the two days of public holiday (i wouldnt have been able to do it at all if not for those two days).

another thought i have is that my neuro tutor is one of the nicest people ever. spending a month doing research + attending all the dept meetings and all have firmly solidified this in my mind. i dont know how to describe it, he's just so brilliant and yet down to earth. he just has this -genius- thing about him that makes me think that he knows endless things about neuro that i cant ever hope to know, haha.

i was really confused by the guidance session really, LOL ironic. i dont know, it threw off my veering to one place, and just made me re-confused all over again.

but looking at it logically, i think what i got out of it is

a) God directs your steps, so if he opens one door, another will open.
b) there are ways to make your faith align with your daily life, as impossible as that may somehow seem.
c) "speak Lord, your servant hears"

i dont think God was pushing me specifically towards anywhere or drawing up a detailed blueprint for my life, even though i was all starry eyed and wishing i could be exactly like the doctor in front of me.

i think what He was trying to show me is that, if i just chillaxed and followed Him, then it would be all right; i think He was affirming that. that i always say, oh, the ends dont justify the means; that my philosophy for this whole thing is i will do whatever is the most pleasing in His eyes and NOT in the world's eyes, but actually i still kept running on this treadmill, this rat race. He was showing me, these sentiments arent my own crazy thoughts, they're actually a good idea, they actually work. 

the doctor had some doors open and some doors close. me too, but i had different doors open and different doors close. the moral of the story isnt to follow blindly, isnt to take metaphors literally. but to quieten one's mind, to listen for God's voice in the middle of this daily hullabaloo

thats what i now think.

but in any case, whatever happens, i really want to thank my tutor. because he doesnt need to be so nice to me and to guide me so well and to check my work so thoroughly. he doesn't need to say encouraging things and tell me he thinks i have a knack for his specialty (haha, i actually really have no idea why he said that. i cant exactly say i displayed my giftededucationprogramme-level intelligence very clearly during the attachment, maybe bulldog-like tenacity keeping me until 10pm, and bibliophilia causing me to borrow like ten books about the subject and causing the residents to go on a book-buying spree consequently)

okay now i must stop waxing lyrical and FINISH THIS POSTER. nearly there last lap!!!

please poster printing people please be able to print this in time for me....

Sunday, August 25, 2013

really i didn't know



loving the harmonies in this song :) lunafly always amazes me
and of course, their song superhero is one of my faves of all time

i love slacking off sigh but unfortunately there are like a gazillion tuts on monday. oh well, i shall go for combat now ;p

Saturday, August 24, 2013

golden time

post-eopt happiness :) id imagine postcall happiness to be somewhat like this - you're really exhausted & dont want to think about what precisely transpired, but every small activity of slackness & freedom seems such a privilege + joy haha

re eopt, i just want to get more than 50%. 'nuff said.

gongcha + printing id notes + long nap + watching golden time :)

it's such a hilarious show!! basically like a korean scrubs. i just about died of laughter watching the interns look with horror at each other when asked to do cpr on their first day, and fumbling about with the equipment (reminds me of us during simulation, particularly when i once tried to put the laryngoscope in the wrong way). and the intern, after quite a dramatic tense surgery, start to take a selca with the still intubated patient in the background (privacy issues ++) and the anesthetist was like... what do you think you're doing? and he was like..." this is my first surgery!! everyone, i would really appreciate it if we could take a group picture, as this is my first surgery ever". anesthetist "i think you'll go nuts if you do an appendectomy". intern "if i do an appendectomy before i finish my training, everyone, i will treat you all to a meal!" anesthetist "where will you bring us to eat?" intern "uh... grilled intestine!!"

LOL. the nurses were giggling in the background. i cannot imagine myself ever daring to do this. utterly hilarious. but on the bright side, since this is tv world, the intern is super fast and is the only one who picks up signs that the pts deteriorate and hence he saves people!

i will sort out the 1000 things to do... at a later date. doesnt seem so long ago that i was sorting out things post ortho eopt...

Friday, August 23, 2013

gotta talk to you

Unless the Lord builds the house,
    the builders labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
    the guards stand watch in vain.
In vain you rise early
    and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat—
    for he grants sleep to those he loves.

psalm 127

woke up today to a happy happy email from my tutor :):) after all that slogging to put my results in a format that makes sense, really happy to see this email. most of life seriously seems to be spent waiting for such emails 

anyway whatever it is i really want to have an end product to all my projects that justifies the effort

the above psalm really speaks to me. it sounds like... EVERY SINGLE EXAM I SIT FOR. and everything in life

- unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain

derm eopt in a few hours >< literally laboring in vain now. must give it all to God.


:):)

Sunday, August 18, 2013

escaping gravity

after a painful time trawling through confusing spss files made by myself months ago, checking and rechecking that I have the right versionsand re-running everything

... I have concluded that indeed what I have all along is correct

LOL.

at least it's correct

on a happier note, got a new desktop com, so was able to download another trial version of spss! SO MUCH happier when I actually know what the headings are saying. you have NO IDEA.

the surg resident at smec was quite funny, she kept on talking abt how sunlight makes her v happy and we have no idea of the value of sunlight yet. and the o&g resident too "all the liquor and blood keeps squirting at u but after awhile its ok u learn to just siam *does matrix-like move to demonstrate*"

samuel's prayer

'Speak Lord, your servant hears' 

today, i had the most transcendental experience. i think all 3 of us did. really really wanna thank the organizers, this yr's was far more than fact-giving, it was lifechanging

i never imagined that i would find such inspiration in such an unlikely source; that even in the most highstress scenarios, one can grow closer to God and come out of training still having not lost one's soul, something i fear so much on a daily basis. 

to be honest, all i can think now is that i really want to train in that place, and become not only the best doctor i can be, but also to glorify God in the middle of it all. to go in for consultations thinking that i want to bring Christ's light to them and bring some hope to a situation that must seem so difficult to them. i mean, these are things i have always wanted, very much to do. this is what i signed up for.  i guess - i hope i could practice this no matter where i work & no matter what i do. it's just that i never imagined that there can be a place where the head of the dept actively believes in this and does it in her daily life. i had always before today taken medicine to be medicine, hopefully for one to find God when one is not running like a headless chicken from one place to another, in one's own free time. i had never thought i could meet a mentor in both the specialty i love, and who is also so God-fearing. really amazed. i just feel that, if i work under her, i would not just focus on the academic cold clinical side of it, but i would also def not fall behind in my spiritual life either. i cant think of a better specialty/ subspec to go in. and it correlates with the childpsych i was so torn about some time ago. so perfectly.

i don't know how to describe how i felt, i won't bother to try cos i wont do it justice. but i felt the Holy Spirit guiding us in discernment today. 

i'll sign up, i will. 
unhesitatingly
i'll do whatever it takes

of course, i know perfectly well that if God closes one door, he opens another. i feel called to this now, but God's plan is above all. if he wants me to go to the other hospital, or to do another specialty altogether then i know that He will show me. i dont feel scared, right now at this moment about all these possibilities. because i know that either way, i'd be doing God's work. no matter what happens, its up to us to find ways to do it. 

this could be the most foolhardy thing ive ever done. but this could also be the happiest choice i've ever made, if indeed it is His Will. all the time we were discussing , i definitely distinctly heard it. its nearly like listening to a loudhailer. 


Friday, August 16, 2013

hitchhiking



this zea song sounds SO MUCH like the old big bang. totally my type of thing.

hoping that if i just keep flipping through the pictures i'll be able to recognise the 30 slides thru pattern recognition lol

also im now the poster girl for ezcema, cheering patients up that they arent the only ones in the world with this condition. "she also has it!!" prof, triumphantly. maybe i should do derm, i can empathize with all these patients. although if i cant even control my own, im not sure they'll trust me to control theirs haha

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

frappuccino



this mv is so beautiful :)

derm is actually much more enjoyable than i anticipated, although all the rashes look the same, thus far the doctors have all been very nice and willing to teach, they dont quiz us but teach us (which is good since we really dunno ANYTHING). been seeing a fair bit of varied skin lesions in clinics too which is nice.

had yami yoghurt yesterday which was nice, korean food on mon which was happifying (to me at least, hahaha), ban mian today!

the rest of the week is craazy packed though
thurs - church at night
fri - seniors teaching until 9 (grateful, but the very thought makes me feel sleepy.)
sat- smec thingy (like why did i sign up sigh oh well i can hear kk and nuh residents promoting their hospitals), then cmg discernment which i will have to ruuush down with annthea to (but am looking forward to :))
sun - mug w h and finish poster. somehow.

then... full speed mugging for derm eopt, must send off poster email somehow... or finish it up that weekend after eopt. oh another fri teaching the day of eopt... lol...

i must totally go eat pancakes that sat. or i will die of longing.
and on mon hopefully cut hair + do my other project abstract

and oh do lots of running.
and SIGN UP FOR STAN CHART. i bet u its full by now sighh

okay off to mug skin tumors, i have like 30 mins

Sunday, August 11, 2013

the way you make me melt

sometimes research really makes you feel like you are a drop in the ocean of knowledge


the distance between us


this song is v addictive although i dont actually know what they are singing haha

PRODUCTIVE DAY. first we had professionalism the whole day, then i somehow managed to make myself go for 1 hr 15 minute run with a 6pm start time!!! let's just be amazed by that. the motivation was wanting to finish the run in daylight for a change. usually if we end around 530ish by the time i reach home i just want to crash and sleep but this time i went in, changed and was out the door in like five minutes. AMAZED. the power of sunlight as a positive motivator. 

it was such a pleasant run too :) ran a route i havent run in a while, lots of greenery and canals and dogs and less of cars and expressways. no music no thoughts no timing just how to run faster and stronger. i love that feeling. did some speed intervals too, havent done those for a few years now. and even started off with the cross country warm up which got the neighborhood dogs barking excitedly from behind the gates wondering what on earth was i doing (or they could have been laughing too, perfectly possible)

after that, i watched the new pediatric surgery korean drama which is a premise that is as nice as it sounds (OBVIOUSLY). loads of cute kids, idealistic doctors, grumpy doctors, and such. and i filled up every inch of blank space on my poster!! now i just need to make the discussion coherent. but awesome, i can enjoy my sunday (somewhat)

i plan to
a) go to church
b) go out for dinner after
c) hopefully go for combat?!!
d) finish up my discussion
e) study for derm (ha. hahahaha)

anyway, just glad that there's stuff worth celebrating. :) i is happy. sudden moment of whee-ness upon discovering that not only can i READ certain pictures, it's a good thing. whoda thought. thank you God, and thank u david for recommending me to pray the hours. it really helps me to spend time saying some pretty psalms that actually voice out my inner feelings and glorify God and not just spend hours going "please God i need help with 1,2,3...." which usually i do, but i find the psalms are better. muuuuch more eloquent than even my poetic, eloquent entreaties. although earnest sincerity is i am sure really good too. it's all good. just wanted to document that i feel at least 5 minutes of peace in a day and i really like it :)

~
Though I extend my hand, though I extend it with all my strength, I can’t reach you
It seemed like I got closer so I called you with a fluttering heart
But there’s no answer, I guess I can never reach you

~

I’ve never forgotten you even once
The string of our connection has broke apart
I try to erase it but I can’t erase our traces

just another typical song on the radio
OH i nearly forgot, i've been obsessed with lifehacks reccently, to do lists and apps to increase productivity has always been my thing. the actual productivity... uh well, i guess thats why i need help with it right? after reading a looot of the lifehacks website my main findings is the POMODORO method which is why i managed to do so much work on my poster from 10pm onwards!! (ok so im also a little high from the run). it's actually soo cool yet simple, u download an app which has a timer, 25 mins of work then 5 mins of break. and obviously you arent supposed to go surf random websites in that 25 mins. PERFECT for someone who is capable of.incredible heights of bumming. also the 3-2 mthd which is cool for mugging days i guess where i just jump from topic to topic. but right now my main aims for everyday are... SLEEP AND WAKE UP. on time that is. 

Friday, August 9, 2013

halfway audit

this always makes me think of prof M coming through the connecting doors of adult a&e to ce and declaring "the auditors are coming!!!" 

i realized that when i am stressed beyond my capacity & in over my head, i am generally not a very nice person. duh. and its all very well to say that the endpoint is not in this world but unfortunately one still has to produce things magically. anyway, just wanted to remind myself of the SERIOUS room for improvement

on the material side of things, my poster is still at an embryonic state of development. i could throw in some metaphors but we didnt actually learn that much embryology in yr1 and i cant rmb any of it anyway. 

carrots

If I ever finish my poster, I will buy margaret atwood's new book!!

Gah trying to read my own mind is nearly impossible. What did I mean by these numbers in this column and is this set of data for this, or that?! And arghhhhh

I did make a pretty flow chart though. I think tmr I will mainly try to write 1-2 paragaphs on discussion as that is less easily rushed through last minute

And discuss the past literature, and the adult literature. I guess I just have to trust whatever data crunching I did months ago since its really confusing to go check. I will have to, eventually, but just get the main backbone out first


Thursday, August 8, 2013

misconceptions of us

I'm out of breath, it’s hard to even stand up, there’s no place to rest                                                        Even the reason to endure is getting farther away
I fall and break everyday
I hold onto my scar which didn’t even have time to heal
As I run through the darkness endlessly
angsty song by nell, but beautiful. 

anatomical element

LOL these two things describe my life pretty well

the other day i told my friend "i just like knowledge" and she just about died laughing, haha

thank God for public holidays. two days to completely chillax and do my poster. yes i can just copy paste but i wanna do it properly


Wednesday, August 7, 2013

running turtle

simulation today was vvv fun! learnt alot ++ from all this.

~
(note: this is not related to residency, the conclusion of that esp after reading a note my classmate wrote on fb is that i'd be happy no matter what i chose & one can make a difference no matter what one does, one does not need to be a pediatric neurosurgeon ;p)

what can i say.

i think after yrs of everything, ive become immune to it all. i dont even have knee jerk responses, i just feel like crashing & sleeping at any given time

i still believe in this, which i didnt a few yrs ago: God is good, He wants the best for us, everything will turn out ok. and that everyone deserves happiness. life may not always be perfect and he doesnt always promise happiness in this life, but essentially he wants us to be happy.

Monday, August 5, 2013

standing in front of goodbye - cool



It is silent right now and when this softly playing song ends, I will stand up
When that glass is empty, say something, say goodbye so I can leave
We’re standing in front of a goodbye, we are both silent
I always felt sorry, Wanting to hold onto you was my greed 
The moment we say our sad goodbye, I was drenched in our memories so I wanted to tell you not to go but
I couldn’t bear to say that


such poignant lyrics
all these songs are a dime a dozen 
but still

Sunday, August 4, 2013

things that make me smile

its been a chillax weekend :)
jap food @ paragon after a painful combat class (i always feel so tired after all the fairs), in which i thought i was gonna syncope and get a head injury, plus yummy apple crumble after
sleep in and revising oesophageal ca/ dysphagia/ bgit with h
church & praying the divine offices 

not much poster-doing, residency plotting, or derm-mugging. 
ah well. 

places i wanna eat
1. wild honey
2. tim ho wan
3. plain vanilla cupcakes
4. korean bbq - bornga at star vista

just need time, &free calorie deficit haha. i can think of tons of pple i want to meet (before they disown me as friends too) - nic, nat, sharon, etc

is coveting pancakes ++ atm

i won't let you go

the third installment:
i shall obviously try not to state any specific things  LOL. but general attitudes

today has actually been very illuminating in many ways.

for me, i know i have a lot to work on.maybe it'll take forever and i need to choose residency before i ever implement all these changes in my life

and i guess i also have a lot of preconceived ideas about my future... hasnt it always been that way? that's why we fear, cos we think, what if this idea is my own idea and not God's idea.

but, i do know this. i know that God has always chosen the best path for me. i know that i like the specialty i am applying for very much, i derive a lot of joy and pleasure from the cute patient population as well as all the rare diseases as well as how it's so fascinating no matter how much i study.

i think that ultimately no matter how near or far you feel or are from God, if you believe in him, then just go for it. just pray and put it in his hands and tell him your will be done. i sincerely believe that if you mean it sincerely enough and not just saying lip service then he will hear and answer your prayer. i sincerely believe that he has been hearing and answering my prayers all this while.

so i'll just continue along this path hoping that, whatever i chose or chooses me, is what God wants me to do :)