About Me

Thursday, December 25, 2014

2014 in summary :)

& yes, i realise there is an extremely religious theme running through this. i guess suffering is good if it draws one closer to God haha. even if one purposely signed up for this suffering knowing what one was getting oneself into. and it is great fun, at times (usually on hindsight). and it's definitely made more bearable by pithy quotes and pretty pictures. and definitely made more bearable with fellow journeymen (like when k suddenly appeared to help me with an abg on christmas eve. i never felt such relief ever before). haha.

jan  - He has made everything beautiful in its time/ whatever this year holds, let me bring great glory to you

feb - truly inspiring. to be able to use your God-given skills to bring more years of life to people

march - God has you in the palm of his hand. he has never once failed before, the the good news is, he is not about to start now

april - “My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”

may - there are many things i don't know. but this i know, that this year of my life will only be turned to good. / My God turns my darkness into light

June - so this is the third call in my entire life. it's still nerve wracking. possibly it gets nerve wracking the more it goes. not more comfortable the more it goes.

July -  around 530am i set a plug for a kid with ba who needed abx but plug site swollen. (you really really hate to hear these words over the phone at 5am) after that i felt that i did something good with my life for once.

August - 11th and last ever paeds HO call was ho1 on my home ground!! beautiful LP rounding off my paeds HO posting. NO RBCs in the LP at all!!

September - Heavenly Father, thank you for placing this dream in my heart. Thank you for this passion. Thank you for the desire to use my gift to bring glory to you... I know what you have planned for my life, no man can stop... give my strength to complete my asssignment and one day hear 'Job well done' from you.


October - "You have listened to fears, child,” said Aslan. “Come, let me breathe on you. Forget them. Are you brave again?"
— C.S. Lewis, Prince Caspian

Nov - on my rare free off days, there really isnt anything nicer than simply just bumming. with music and dreaming of wintery holidays & warm food. there's always hundreds of things to do & missed calls. there's always a call tomorrow and surgery looming ahead

for now, i'll take a breather, however momentarily, from the neverendin mental to do lists

Dec - at some point my vision changed from NEUROSURGEON and DOCTORS WITHOUT BORDERS to God i will do anything as long as i'm a doctor, wherever you send me i will go, i dont have to be an award-winning world famous neurosurgeon like ben carson (much as i admire him), any area of medicine that when it finally all ends, you can say to me 'i was hungry and you gave me food; i was thirsty and you give me drink. i was a stranger and you took me in... i was sick and you visited me'

christmas :)

LOL so cute! story of my life. it's very groovy i must say
i'm on call again tomorrow. guess i'll just need to

christmas this yr was not really particularly christmassy and festive filled, but i nevertheless felt extreme gratitude, because if i didnt have this day off to sleep, i might actually have collapsed from exhaustion. literally life-saving day. 

my christmas went like this - wake up at 11am, open presents and christmas lunch, crash back to bed to sleep, christmas mass. haha. 

anyway i am really grateful for medicine. even though it can be numbingly exhausting and i hate the parts of calls where i live in fear of getting scolded the next day/ when i am actually being scolded over the phone by nurses for not coming fast enough/ where there just isnt anyway to balance doing things properly so you dont get calls the next day to demand why u didnt do such and such a thing vs not going somewhere fast enough. 3 more surg calls and it's over!! 1 more passive and then 2 more passive. i dont mind SDA, it's quite chillax (comparatively), except the nurses are very flurried but even its far less highstakes than usual calls. so thank you God, being a doctor is the best christmas present i could ever have had. :)

aiming to have all my patients survive the night, not get any post call- calls, and be awake enough for team christmas party and also be awake enough to meet d on 28th. i strongly suspect im gonna just spend that free day sleeping off my massive sleep debt though. just sayin'

thank you - roy kim
When it was dark, when I couldn’t see the path
You made me see a better me
When I was lonely, when I didn’t like people
You made me see a better day
Thank you, thank you for staying in the same place no matter what color the sky was
Thank you for remaining as my person from a step behind
Thank you

Saturday, December 20, 2014

october rain/ with the heart to forget you

this is so beautiful

somehow everything is beginning to tie up & make sense. i dont think i'll ever do it to be honest. but in some alternate universe out there, i could have had, maybe perhaps. worked up the guts to follow my dreams all the way through. really grateful for this chance to see the light at the end of the hypothetical tunnel. although i was settlin stuff outside and didnt manage to go in til halfway, the fact that i actually ran to OT for once, and was so sad that coz i had to settle stuff outside i couldnt go in earlier. the fact that halfway through the op my MO turned to me and asked "are you happy?" and i nodded with shining eyes. never has that happened to me before in the actual real life working scenario of medicine. only pre-medicine when watching grays anatomy. 

in some alternate universe out there i have the capability to do what i told my reg the other day and work 20 hours coz if you're able to do what you love for 20 hrs that's an awesome thing. i would have the capability to do what i signed up for and do paediatric neurosurgery and spend months and months every year doing amazing lifesaving ops for doctors without borders. that's what i signed up for when i signed up for medicine really. 

in this real universe i can't suture, dont dare to suture tubes to skin, am constantly exhausted by 11pm home timings, and spend most of my time running to radiology to bed for scans and double-scheduling scans til i have to physically porter patients to where my reg wants them to go first. yep. and spending my weekends chatting with my favourite patients. oh well. it's not too bad really

somewhere along the many times and years i spent thinking about the applying for medicine thingy, at some point my vision changed from NEUROSURGEON and DOCTORS WITHOUT BORDERS to God i will do anything as long as i'm a doctor, wherever you send me i will go, i dont have to be an award-winning world famous neurosurgeon like ben carson (much as i admire him), any area of medicine that when it finally all ends, you can say to me 'i was hungry and you gave me food; i was thirsty and you give me drink. i was a stranger and you took me in... i was sick and you visited me' 

that's all. 
(& that's also why i feel so bad when pts ask after CTAPs CAN I EAT? and we all know that in gs its so much easier to just keep nbm. sigh. but at least on call its easy, at least plan nbm for that night is safe) 

and also... i think that everything that transpired was not a coincidence. 
~


October rain, the scent of damp wind
October pain, we who were hurt
I need healing, I need you
But it’s too late, it’s become late
It’s too late, the possibility of returning to how it was
has already become spilled water
The heart that you stole
I want to drive on the road of time,
running to the end of [our] memories
to heal myself
October wind, the memory of an obscured sky
October scene, the space* I kept you in
I need healing, I need you
The heart that you stole
I want to drive on the road of time,
running to the end of [our] memories
to heal myself
Take me back in time
I want to drive on the road of time,
running to the end of [our] memories
to heal myself
And I miss you, and I miss you, and I miss you

Sunday, December 7, 2014

post call thoughts part 2

bumper crop haha





post call thoughts

galatians
For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. 9Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary. 10So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people

i have spent very long thinking and re-thinking over this. 

and this is my conclusion. do not lose heart in doing good..

given the circumstances, i did the best i could. 

but yes, i definitely have things to learn and improve. i agree with that. i will take this lesson to heart no doubt about it. this is a valuable lesson i will never ever forget and even as i stood there i knew that this is something i must remember and sear onto my heart forever. this could save me a hundred times over in the future. so i am thankful in a strange way, for this experience. 

to people who purposely withheld information from me for revenge, i really want to ask: did you do the right thing to the limits of your human ability? coz i know i did. 


Thursday, November 27, 2014

this is just to say

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold
haha no this is actually what i want to say:
funny how, when everything comes round full circle, i can see you at the light at the end of the tunnel

i dont think the timing was right then. there are so many things that had to happen between now & then. i don't think i was very mature then, or a very good person. this is paradoxical but yesterday half of me was thinking that as usual it's not going to work out and half of me just knew that this is it



its cliche but whatever it is, thank you for seeing the good in me when i couldn't see the good in myself. people have come & gone but yesterday, i realized, that the one person who was genuine out of so many was you. sensitivity and specificity. if God is willing, may the right timing meet us one day. til then, here's to lots of random run ins as always until finally one day the puzzle pieces click into place

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

stop saying its alright

beautiful song lyrics. i'm loving holiday period :) as in the holiday season for the rest of the world. coz that means hardly any elective surgeries. haha

~
I wanted to run into you at least once
I hope fate will bring you to me just once

Tell me why, I still stop in place when I see someone’s back that resembles you
please tell me why, you come to me on the path that became a memory
My memories and feelings are frozen to that time
Tell me why, why are the words “time is medicine” not right for me?
please me why, I’m still walking on the path that became a memory

~

Turning around is the right thing to do
Breaking up was the right thing to do
I think and think about it again
I try to tell myself and comfort myself

I hope I forget you quickly
As if nothing ever happened
You pace back and forth in my eyes
Then you disappear
The image of you quickly turning around
I still can’t forget that either

~

There is rust in my heart
Forget me, pretend that I don’t exist, I really hate you now
You know this too, it’s over for us, let’s end it now
I’m not worried if you’ll be okay, I’m going to struggle with you
Even if you look back, nothing will change, please forget me now

~

The times I looked forward to, everything I dreamed of
Where did it all begin? Where am I standing right now?

I hear the sound of my breath from rapidly running here
The memories inside of me are scattering away with the wind

In the endlessly spread world are my dreams and my small hopes
Like a child’s dream that freely flies, I want to fly into my world
I hear the wind blowing as if it’s far, as if it’s near
Everything that is coming toward me is newly flying over to me

Times I was left alone at the end of despair
When I felt I couldn’t do it, that wasn’t the end
This is the beginning
I’ll fly again into the newly spread time

Saturday, November 22, 2014

erase/ flying, deep in the night

have a lot to say about being a ho in surgery. but i dont know if i should. suffice it to say that it is v exciting and fun and i am learning a lot. i couldnt ever have imagined surviving this but i've survived 2 weeks so far and 2.5 mths more to go. it's a lot of learning on the ground actually as things we only saw in slideshows suddenly pop up on our laptops when we arrive at work in the morning or arrive in the form of phone calls from radiologists about patients we sometimes havent ever seen in our lives, or have been  saying hi to everyday. the first time i offed a drain or cvp i was really terrified. but now i off drains and cvps daily. it's nice getting to tell patients when they ask how long ive been working (half a year?) hahaha the longer the answer the usually the happier they are. luckily no patients asked me on my first day of work if it was my first day. i think its cos most of my patients on the first day were less than 1 yr so mostly preverbal beyond "mama papa" LOL

my fellow hos are really so awesome. and k in particular is AMAZING. i cannot describe his efficiency and general competency as a doctor, it's jawdropping. i'm literally levelling up just being on the same team haha. and m is the sweetest and nicest person ever. thank God for good teammates. me? i just enjoy the times when i can sit down and explain things to patients cos everyday we run in and out of rooms. i really enjoy the part of medicine that involves being (sincerely) nice to people. is that even officially part of medicine? haha. i really dislike the part when i find myself snapping at people, or engaged in logical loophole discussing over the phone. i really like the parts when i orchestrate complicated things involving many specialties and it all gets sorted out. or when good teamwork ensures we call people quickly and get CT scans in a matter of a few hours. like when i call the radiologist as k orders the CTAP. or dinner and then clerk 4 elective patients and gxm them. efficiency max!

its sometimes very scary, the amount of power and responsibility that can potentially fall into one's hands. its definitely not power or resp that i actually want. but circumstances sometimes just do. there's nothing for it but to simply focus all your energies into it and do whatever you can. so that in the end you can feel like you tried everything. the other day we went for like a 5 mins coffee and got well 'caught' by my boss. whom i happen to respect a GREAT deal. i felt so crushed that i had let him down by sort of slacking off (welll we all needed to be caffineated stat. its just that the timing and circumstances were a bit off. lol) that i literally begged the radiologists and got the relevant scans arranged. and also apologised profusely to the gastro dr when things got delayed later despite my best efforts. somehow it all got done. NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY IN MY LIFE. thank goodness we drank coffee that day, somehow. haha. anyway the moral of the story (to me at least) is that one shld go to the greatests lengths possible to do what one can. anyway its not like we're doing the actual surgery, just going around begging for scans and facilitating things. not really rocket science. just really exhausting.

okay enough of rambling. off to gym :) i love weeekends

Thursday, November 20, 2014

1230

The sky seems so low, it seems like it’ll collapse at any time
You used to ask why I came so late, that you waited for me,
But now you’re frozen, colder than a stranger you run into by chance
Your bright smile (bright smile) your warm embrace (your face)
It feels like I can’t see it or touch it now, it scares me
Right now, we’re like the clock hands at 12:30
Our backs turned against each other, looking at different places, about to throw everything away
Right now, we’re like the clock hands at 12:30
We’re walking to a place that we can never return from
Time used to follow us but now it has stopped
Instead of an “us” it’s just “you” and “me”
Then I believe time will follow us once again, I believe that time will come
I’m letting you go right now, I’m letting you go and everything has stopped
But I believe the clock will move once again
~
after much thought, ive decided that no-one owes anyone anything. its true that some memories are sweeter than others

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

just a little bit

gs is so so tiring. but it's also kinda fun. grateful for the compatriots that have accompanied me along this journey the past 6mths + 2 weeks of gs so far hahah. the sense of camaraderie. i am actually of the firm conviction that no matter where or what one studied it is actually very dependent on the person's innate self/ personality/ sense of responsibility that makes one a good dr (apart from the basal requirements of knowledge and competencies of course haha). but for myself, i definitely feel much much more comfortable doing my rotations completely in places i've spent extensive time in as a student (obviously) & i KNOW i can be thoroughly awkward. so i'm really very grateful for all this.

even if most of the time esp these days in gs it tends to be a bit angst, it's not angst angst. there's a satisfaction in this. kinda. when you finally finish settling everything at 2pm and tick everything off your to-do list. when you somehow manage to clerk 3 elective cases all by yourself on a sunday. when you and your fellow ho start clerking 4 elective cases at 830pm post dinner and really manage to gxm them all and settle everything and cab back & collapse & sleep. it's fun. it really is :)

i promise not to be snarky when people call me (even if they call for things like how to read what my fellow ho wrote on his clerking sheet... uhh why not call him instead, how shld i know what he wants to do on call when i'm at home..?). i promise to go earlier to pre-round my pts. i just want to sit down and go thru my pts thoroughly and make sure no stone is left unturned. that nothing impt is being missed.

anyway. its been a nice 2 weeks. really respect my fellow hos a lot and hoping the next 2 weeks will be very chill LOL.
~

pretty lyrics from urban zakapa:

I let out a big breath
I couldn’t really hear what you just said
All of our moments, all of the scenes have gotten blurry again

I remember when you said
You didn’t hate me enough to break up
But you didn’t care enough to love me
You already brought your cold words one by one
And I have nothing really to say

In your smoothly flowing words, even the erased memories are being written again, as it becomes smaller
Maybe I feel sorry, maybe I want to run away right now
I’m just filled with resentment during the moment of farewell

I’m trying
But the thoughts in my head are scattering in this moment
In case I say something wrong

Because of my wrongdoings that gave you scars
We each have different memories
Maybe I feel sorry, maybe I want to run away right now
I’m just filled with resentment during the moment of farewell

~
It will gradually get better, the conclusion that I made alone
The day that scattered and disappeared like dust

The day I only let out sighs
I can’t stand it anymore
The season when someone came to me

The cold winter came to the tip of my nose first
Though I prayed that it would never come
My warm hands have now become colorless
I need to go somewhere once again

Hoping that there is a way, my hands stole my tears
The dizzy air makes me suffocate
I quietly close my eyes again and pray for tomorrow to come
The cold air brings winter to me once again

The air we shared together, the memories we shared together
The day that scattered and disappeared like dust

~
Just a little
My heart feels a bit frustrated
It just feels a bit cloudy
Just a little, just a little
I am resenting the world
If you need to leave, if you’re going
There’s nothing I can do but
Just a little
It just hurts a lot

You used to walk next to me
Back then, we walked without a word
I remember that
You used to smile so brightly that it scared me
I remember that so I’m a bit sad

I know that there’s nothing that can be done
That it’s even harder for you
I know everything
I know that it’s not just us two underneath this sky that dazzles so much that it angers me
That’s what makes me a bit sad
Just a little, just a little

It feels like tomorrow will not come
If you need to leave, if you’re going
I don’t think I can take it
But I will comfort myself and try
I will do that

Sunday, November 9, 2014

He Knows



"He Knows"

All the bitter weary ways
Endless striving day by day
You barely have the strength to pray
In the valley low

And how hard your fight has been
How deep the pain within
Wounds that no one else has seen
Hurts too much to show

All the doubt you're standing in between
And all the weight that brings you to your knees

[Chorus:]
He knows
He knows
Every hurt and every sting
He has walked the suffering
He knows
He knows
Let your burdens come undone
Lift your eyes up to the one
Who knows
He knows
He knows

We may faint and we may sink
Feel the pain and near the brink
But the dark begins to shrink
When you find the one who knows

The chains of doubt that held you in between
one by one are starting to break free

[Chorus]

Every time you feel forsaken
Every time that you feel alone
He is near to the brokenhearted
Every tear
He knows
He knows

first surg call

one week of surgery has passed

let's just say, active call is really... active haha. not as bad as DIM call where you get SPAMMED with calls but still gotta move really fast. my 6 mths of paeds+ IM has def prepared me better for this than if i did this right out of med sch. nevertheless, im not really of sufficient personality or intensity to do surg longterm (despite my initial ambitions to be a neurosurgeon in earlier life LOL). & i find myself analyzing the medical aspect of stuff more. but as with medical calls where there are certain set tips & tricks to common CTSP like chest pain, high hypocount, desat, surg usually its a good trick to NBM, iv roc/flagyl, iv losec, IV drip (with higher fluid requirements than in medical! i spent the whole call giving people 1-1.5L NS and then re-rounding with my mo or reg and upwarding my drip to 2-2.5L of premix... lol), and ordering CTAPs and OGDs for the next day. on the bright side i got all the bloods i needed to do really fast! guess 6 mths of work accounts for something huh.

glorious post-call bumming on a sunday now :)

(after only leaving at 5pm on a saturday...)

Saturday, November 1, 2014

all we'd ever need

1st November 2014: On God's Guidance

Trust in the Lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed. Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Psalm 37:3-4 (AV)
One of the most perplexing problems that Christians have to face is to know which way to go, which door to enter, which choice to make out of several possibilities.
It may concern the big decisions in life, personal or professional, such as marriage, or the next job, or the next exam, or it may be one of the more ordinary and humdrum routine matters. We want to do the right thing, and choose the right course... but how to find it -- that's the question.
Start with God. Commit your way honestly to him, and you can be absolutely certain that he will bring `it' to pass, whatever your 'it' may be.
Then, consider all the circumstance in the light of what you know about God -- his character, his supreme knowledge, his love and concern for you personally. Bring the possible choices to this touchstone. Our own desires and personal preferences may be helpful, or they can be positively misleading. Be open and honest.
Then, try to discover if there is any test in scripture, and passage or incident that throws light on the pathway.
Listen to experienced Christian friends, who can proffer helpful advice, if they are understanding and honest, and are not afraid to tell you the truth.
Then pray in words like these --
O my God, I gladly confess that you know everything, and that you
have a plan for me and my life. I now deliberately ask for your
guidance in respect of... I honestly want to do your will, and I
acknowledge that your will for me is best and is what I ought to
do. Help me to choose, for your sake and the sake of others.
And when later on you look back on the increasingly numerous experiences of his guidance, all the `coincidences' that have happened to you, you will be able to say `I being in the way, the Lord led me' (Gn 24:27 AV).
~
:) nicee

on my rare free off days, there really isnt anything nicer than simply just bumming. with music and dreaming of wintery holidays & warm food. there's always hundreds of things to do & missed calls. there's always a call tomorrow and surgery looming ahead

for now, i'll take a breather, however momentarily, from the neverendin mental to do lists

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

when love comes



here we go :)

a gleam of light

29th October 2014: A Gleam of Light

The Lord said to Paul one night in a vision, `Do not be afraid, but speak and do not be silent; for I am with you, and no man shall attack you to harm you; for I have many people in this city'. Acts 18:9-10
Paul was facing opposition yet again in his mission to spread the gospel in the heathen, worldy city of Corinth. Despite the presence of Silas and Timothy, Priscilla and Aquila, he must have felt lonely and threatened and, finding the Jews unreceptive and hostile must have wondered it is was all worthwhile.
Moving from job to job every six months, it is easy for us to get a martyr complex and keep a low Christian profile because we feel lonely, threatened and disheartened. It has certainly been my experience that every time I have timidly put my head above the barricade and witnessed for my Lord, as well as getting `sniped at', as Paul regularly was in Corinth, I have also made the acquaintance of other Christians. We are all so busy that we rarely chat about anything except our work and the most trivial superficialities. So we may not get to know other Christians until we are about to move on. Perhaps God means to form a fellowship of witnessing Christians in the palace where we work. Paul was encouraged to go on, not only with his secular work (v3), but with his missionary ministry, taking every opportunity of witness that God gave him rather than shrinking into anonymity.
Let us then be bold for God, remembering that Jesus promised, `everyone who acknowledges me before men, I also will acknowledge before my Father who is in heaven' (Mt 10:32), following this with a blunt warning that the converse is also true (v33). 

~
:) reminds me of the cmg people that have been popping up everywhere. reccently my junrs are doing their SIP too! i see them everyday in the same ward haha. so glad to have them around!

today clare asked me what will i do if dont get it. i told her i will try 3 times and then accept it if that is God's will. that from what i can see, honestly the more experience you have the better doctor you are. i used to think that was just lip service by people trying to sound consoling but it really is true! she was like.... THREE TIMES?! lol

one year ago i would have been filled with fear about the future. honestly right now if you asked me btw residency interview, my last DIM call and starting GS, GS would be top of the list HAHA. what i didnt tell her in our 5 minute conversation in the lift on the way to our respective exits is that i believe strongly in the concept of five loaves and two fishes. ive been googling this 5 loaves thing & it's actually very cool.  its not really just the usual oh i am inadequate and God saves me story, as i had previously been using it to inspire myself. like. God will multiply my loaves!! i have no reason to worry! well true, but it's more than just that. it's the story of when you surrender your gifts, however meagre, to God, that he can use them to work miracles. 



Saturday, October 25, 2014

bookendings

to summarise
1) i was wrong & whatever it was, it was genuine. really thankful for that. faith in humanity restored. it was too saccharine for me though oh definitely.

2) that was really a good bookending

3) most of the time you only realise how awesome something is when you lose it. and usually once you lose it, you can't backspace anymore. but if you dont lose it, you'll never know what you had. tis the second time this has happened. both times are so different, but both equally awesome. it's so funny how it's the losing that causes the realization. human psyche yo.

4) no matter what, i think God is saying No. it was quite a loud no too. just that i got a bit upset about the thing about humanity so He decided to pass me some chocolate. it was much appreciated.

5) everything always balances out

6) i didnt do anything wrong this time! for once i'm innocent! hahah.

7) guess i really wanted, in the end, to know the answer. its just really frustrating not knowing what i wanted, or God wanted. and now i know. even though the answer may or may not be what one wants to hear sometimes, and even though the journey may or may not compensate for the answers, an answer is an answer. so we'll just stick with that, & keep on going. i'm sure as life rolls on, we'll look back & we'll understand one dayas to why God put us in each others lives. :)

thoughts

1) God really does work miracles, usually at the moment when we least expect them. awesome miracles & lots of chocolate. i will never forget this. No actually, i always forget, so then he sends someone with lots of chocolate.
2) I was wondering what's the reason for this all - now I know
3) Humans are not dependable, by nature of being... human. I also am human and not very dependable. Happiness is not found just in cheesecake, or in eggs benedict or brunch. Happiness is when you are having cheesecake/ brunch with people you love, with extremely hard-earned money from calls and general slavery. Happiness is realizing that your best birthday gift is God-given, when randomly inefficiently walking around in the hospital corridors. Sometimes being a doctor really does feel mostly like slavery. Like at night when you just cant run from patient to patient fast enough. Or you technically can do the physical running because God had the foresight to train you in long distance running, but if you jump from patient to patient, something gets compromised, so you need to settle things before moving on. And it definitely isn't a glamorous job at all (sighhh thanks grays anatomy...). And sometimes the ward clerk tells you "doctor i need the computer can you go sit in the corner". But happiness comes from seeing your patient high five you as he goes home, from the grateful relatives thanking you (when the pt aored....) profusely and the mo tells you "wow the way they thanked you! you are a good doctor". Happiness comes from being able to sleep soundly at night (on a normal day, not call day) knowing that no stone was left unturned, no blood test was left unordered and nothing was left un-handed over. Happiness is flipping the pages of fenichel and promising God to try my best. Dear God, thank you for the gift of medicine. And most of all, thank you that I am a better doctor than I thought I would be (that said, i didnt exactly have high expectations.). Sometimes, I am worse than I thought I would be, usually at 2am, or when rushing. Sometimes I just don't know. Thank you for forgiving me for those times and sending people to listen to my angst in those times, and to teach me what IS the right thing to do. When time differences, or just differences, make it impossible for me to depend on others, or maybe just when you feel that i shouldnt depend on others, thank you for being there for me. Somehow I find that when I find the strength in you, rather than lean on other humanbeings for help, everything gets solved faster & so much better. Maybe all this is you trying to tell me to try your helpline first, instead of after all my options are exhausted.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

time & fallen leaves

in these moments of indecision, sometimes the world decides for you. its funny how sometimes the most random and small wishes get granted, like something so prosaic finally yielding poetry. it had bugged me that i couldnt produce any poetry for the longest time. as to how good or bad the poetry actually is, that's for the test of time

i dont think anyone owes anyone else anything. not even sincerity. i'm no saint, but i think that it's fine to do the wrong thing as long as you meant right, and never fine to do the right thing with the wrong intentions. whatever the intentions may have been. & if one thinks the contrary, then so be it. it honestly makes me feel nauseated at the thought of the genuine human kindness actually not being,  i've definitely been spoilt by all the people who have walked in & out of my life & been, well, not perfect, but enduringly genuine. the thing is that this isn't about love, it never was, i'm just genuinely disgusted at what i thought was true human kindness actually not being. i'm not sure what it is to be honest, and i dont think i actually care to know. 

(spoiler)

epik high - spoiler/ happy ending
Your cold eyes and words are the spoiler
In your every action, I see our end
I tell myself it’s not true but I feel the spoiler
Should I watch till the end? Or should I leave now?
What if there’s a twist?
What are you thinking? Only after I ask twice, you look at me
Once again, you give me an answer that’s not really an answer
Maybe it’s gonna rain tomorrow
You look out the window again
These days, I see a lot of your side profile
You let out a sigh and I freeze up in the overflowing silence
Thinking bad things that I shouldn’t be thinking
I know
My intuitions are dangerous
My sensitiveness is really bad
I know why
Your mysterious sighs keep increasing
Your fleeting heart is leaving with each sigh
For some reason
Life got busier than before
Days when we contact each other less, conversations we forcefully have
Words that are written and erased
These are all a foreshadowing
It’s all a cliché
These scenes are so typical, as if I’ve seen them hundreds of times
Your cold eyes and words are the spoiler
In your every action, I see our end
I tell myself it’s not true but I feel the spoiler
Should I watch till the end? Or should I leave now?
What if there’s a twist?
I can’t let you go.
I can hear it loudly, even words that aren’t said
I tried to pretend otherwise but I already know
This damn feeling that suffocates my breath more and more
Maybe I trapped you inside my useless fantasy
Maybe you tried out a role for me that didn’t really fit
Even when I told you I loved you out of habit, I was always thinking about something else
The lines and facial expressions didn’t match, the subtitles are off
I wanted a movie-like love but is this my punishment?
I ask about your heart but your answer is always open-ended
Yeah, we were always having twists on top of twists
A repetition of suffocating scenes
Worse than the hot hell is this cooled down emotional purgatory
I see the end
I can’t turn off the projector of imagination
When I black out, that’s when I can at least breathe
Just cut me out or kill me out
I don’t care about a happy ending
Don’t let me fade
out
Maybe you and I were playing a crazy game of charades
With the ending already decided from the first frame
Maybe you and I were already headed toward the end from the first scene
What’s the use of telling you?
I won’t beg for being comforted
I hate selling my emotions
I’m stingy with happiness
Don’t ask me if I’m alright
What I want is the indifference that resembles me
The whole world is acting so damn dramatic
There’s no use in keeping track of love, it’s just instinct
It’s funny, what separates humans from beasts
What turns humans into beasts
It’s different this time
I deceive myself every time
But without fail
Like always
It will come to an end
Am I really in love?
Or am I dating to break up?
Once again, it comes to me
An easy ending
If only things were as clear as the alcohol in my glass
There would’ve been just a slight hangover
You’re taking another sip already
Who knows the reason, just do whatever you want
Treat people you like the opposite of how you feel
For you, who lives such a lonely life
No, for me
I hope things go well
From hello to goodbye 1
Ending things with the same word as the beginning
There’s a reason to it all
literally epic!! the lyrics are so poetic

Saturday, October 18, 2014

are we all lost stars tryin to light up the dark

things i learnt from the past week
1.
'nuff said. humans, no matter how awesome, won't be there all the time. sometimes there are time differences. 
2. gymming is actually essential to my sanity. not just for vanity's sake, for actual mental stability. i think i'm literally addicted to it & if i dont get the endorphins, i get really really depressed. or there could have been a multitude of other reasons for it, but. 

3. i think being genuine is the most important thing in life. you can be kind to as many or as few people as you like, as long as you are genuine about it. i understand that friendships & human connections may or may not be forever, but even for those friendships whose ships have sailed the harbor, there are those moments that are worth remembering forever. and if you aren't going to be genuine about it, i suggest there are some things, that you just don't do. i understand that no-one owes us anything, least of all consistency or logic, but i mean, there are just some lines that shouldn't be blurred. i guess maybe sometimes we can't help blurring lines, its human to not always color within the lines or follow the instructions to stand behind the yellow line. the reason for this, i'll understand one day. the rhyme - i've written it. as d says, i didnt want it anyway, so there's no point thinkin' bout it. i just wanted to say that i feel a little sad that there's out there a wisp of human connection that doesn't mean anything to either of the humans involved, that wasn't meant to have happened if the humans had just listened to God's soft prompting, won't be remembered for years to come, and was borne out of insincerity and just a general throw of soft cotton candy in a very general direction. and for the time spent wondering how to spin this cotton candy in a way that's pleasing to God, because the last time i sure didn't handle it the right way, i dont really regret it, cos at least i know i didn't do anything wrong this time. and the carousel spins on & i've learnt to listen to God when he says no. 

Thursday, October 16, 2014

to have what it takes

18th October 2014: To Have what it Takes

It is by grace you have been saved through faith -- and this not of yourselves, it is the gift of God. Ephesians 2:8 (NIV)
It is 3am and your `bleep' has gone off for the second time in half and hour. You could weep with fatigue, frustration and misery. The human frame is just not designed to cope with the circumstances of a junior hospital doctor. As you mechanically carry out the required task, longing for your bed and sleep, you wonder how you are supposed to survive -- as a person, as a member of a family, and as a Christian.
At times like this, we need to let the living and active word of God speak to our hearts, as it is given to do. This verse can help us. Our salvation does not depend one fraction of 1% on ourselves. It is totally, 100%, the work of God. Planned in eternity by the Father, accomplished completely on the Cross by the Son, who as our representative and substitute died bearing the just punishment for our sins, it is applied to our hearts by the Holy Spirit. Even the faith we exercise is the gift of God; we cannot produce it for ourselves.
So when our spiritual survival seems at stake because we are too tired to pray, too busy to study the scriptures, and too tied to the hospital to attend church meetings and worship, it is good to be reminded that we are saved by grace. Temporary interruptions in our co-operation in God's sanctifying work makes no difference to our justification. That is his work alone, and Christ has done it all for us. A man as well as God, he understands our fatigue and frustration, and says, `My grace is sufficient for you' (2 Cor 12:9). So in the midst of physical and mental exhaustion, let us rest in him and his never failing promises.
~

not sure where this person works haha coz my phone goes off like 30 times in 30 mins. but anyway. this sure speaks to me "you could weep with fatigue, frustration and misery". oh yeah. post call, running thru the decisions you made, realising all the wrong decisions that have been already carried out. 

i dont know if the hardest thing is living this life itself with all its responsibilities i cant fulfil, or the inability to be a good & kind person in the middle of all this inability to fulfil these responsibilities. like not feeling like teaching the medical students, or helping anyone or bothering to be nice to the nurses (luckily the 73 nurses are super nice and friendly anyways. and the ward clerk is always so friendly and chatty hahaha. one ward clerk once told me 'doctor please go and sit in the corner" such encouraging words). honestly if i were a fantastic Christian i would tirelessly help all my teammates, teach all the medical students, and be a paragon of good cheer and such. but this week, i'm not. i can't bring myself to be. sorry, i'm human and i just can't. maybe next week, maybe next month, some other time. and so i know i'm no saint & i'm not even a very good doctor or human being.

about _______, i dont think it was meant to be, somehow. its not just about timing, or circumstances, or people. it just literally wasnt meant to be. sometimes people walk into our lives for a reason, and sometimes not at all. like for instance, j is someone who had a huge impact on my life. for starters just being an awesome friend & buddy, and later being intrinsically linked with the greatest miracle of my life. i mean everytime i think back on the pivoting event, i always always go back to that day & somehow, after that, everything somehow fell into place. i mean techically if not for those specific turns of events, who would know what life would have turned out like? and c - he's quite right that its so nice to see a familiar friendly face around, now we're in the same block daily so its quite awesome too.

i dont know, ive just been thinking lately about missed boats. sometimes you untie the anchors from the port  & wave goodbye and sometimes the ships just sink so dramatically in typhoons. maybe the hurricane is from a few continents away and is totally unrelated but coz of the butterfly effect. its both related and totally unrelated. i wouldnt get too hung up on it coz its not something i wanted like SUPER ALOT, but it just feels weird, yknow? i mean, not that weird feelings are the MOST IMPT thing right now. sleep is honestly the most impt thing right now. and not that this kinda thing doesnt happen to me all the time. i've had my fair share of these things (thanks for all the fish guys), im pretty much immune to it LOL. i guess its just that i wish that human nature sometimes showed itself more... linearly in a fashion that one can predict? & that said i'm honestly not good at reading people at all. i think i tend to over-think and over-angst, specially when i'm angsty, which i totally am now. that's the thing about all these random hurricanes.

anyway, enough of the obtuseness. really grateful for the random sparks of brightness in my life. a whatsapping me about random cms things helping me to feel vaguely connected to God (and connecting me virtually to God via the cmg email group - yes however tangentially, it really helps!!), my patients relative (an anesthetist) who told me i was thorough. i am slightly sorry to say that since i spent today, the whole wk really in a fuzz going round & round in my mind about how inadequate, irresponsible and lousy i am, i let out a very surprised chuckle/chortle when she said that LOL but thank you Dr, you really really were the brightest spark of encouragement in my whole week (and mind you all i did is open up the computer system and follow her instructions exactly as she told me, hahaah), c for listening to my angst, j for the random cheering up in the ortho wards haha and for giving me the clr reg's number the other day. my mos who respond to my whatsapps very fast and save me, my old mos who i feel totally warm and fuzzy when i meet them along the corridors. they really are such awesome & genuine people.

if i survive tmr and get out alive, i would like next week to be better. both in terms of work, and being a better person. hah i wish. 

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

forgiven

postcall usually i fall asleep the moment i reach home & get up the next day to round like an energizer bunny. yesterday for the first time i couldnt fall asleep postcall. just kept going round & round in my head what i had done & failed to do.

usually i take great pride in going the extra length for a patient. fighting everyday for my patient with chronic hypotension to get dialysis, personally going down with the patient to make sure the dialysis actually HAPPENS, even though i'm post call. id managed to pull off great feats of organization with patients just a couple of days before. the typical DIM having to refer 101 people. but suddenly, my extra effort backfired spectacularly. suddenly, every time i even thought of making the extra effort for a patient, my mind would think of how this can possibly backfire on me. and id just not be bothered.

normally, i love to teach med students. sure, i dont know a whole lot, but definitely i can teach them enough to help them with their mbbs. today, i just ignored my med student completely and checked and rechecked every single thing about my 4 patients. its ok. after yesterday, my med student probably thinks im a doofus. he went to join some other ho. LOL. i would too, i understand.

going to work today was really difficult. i dont know how i woke up. walked in the door of the ward & googled laudate. that's really such an awesome way to start the day. i remember i had the most initially boring and painful AH geri posting. not only was i not interested in the subject matter, i just felt so depressed going there daily. to make it worse, our con was one of those legendary scary cons, and i was alone in a team and h and c were in another team. it got so depressing i got in the habit of saying the liturgy of the hrs in the mornings, walking that depressing corridor at 7am everyday. by the end of the posting i really loved all my pts, was presenting all the pts (coz the mos changed all the time) and the scary con was no longer scary at all.

halfway thru the day, a msges me to lament abt the general lack of spiritual life nowadays as a ho (tell me about it). i ask her to add me to the catholic drs guild emailing list.... and 5 mins later i realize that one of my mos on a call a few calls ago is like the person running the emailing list. LOL. talk about God being there all the time, cept i didn't know it. no wonder that was such a good call. hahah. one of those haem calls where you get to sleep 2-3hrs. him thwacking me on the shoulder as we queued up for drinks at bengawan felt a bit like God thwacking me on the shoulder telling me not to be an idiot and he's actually there. message of the day ehh.



this song says it best
"Forgiven"

Well, the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I’m reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just won't let me forget

In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
'Cause I’m forgiven

My mistakes are running through my mind
And I’ll relive my days in the middle of the night
When I struggle with my pain, wrestle with my pride.
Sometimes I feel alone and I cry.


And in this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

Well, I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
'Cause I’m forgiven


When I don't fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ

Monday, October 13, 2014

this sums up today well

"When you stand before God, and you know and he knows, you have nothing to offer, and He still loves you the same, it really makes you more grateful

"You have listened to fears, child,” said Aslan. “Come, let me breathe on you. Forget them. Are you brave again?"

— C.S. Lewis, Prince Caspian and humble."





hold on

how do i best say this?

i feel lucky to have a God who loves us at our lowest points. that every time i'm in a stairwell, he comes & saves me and bears me out of it. he shoots me out of my stairwells with rockets. yeah sometimes i see stars too & sometimes it hurts but. in the end he still saves. 

firstly & most importantly, everything has to stabilize. secondly but also importantly, i'm going to make sure that this scattershot approach, this lack of knowledge, it stops right here. i'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that i fill up all my gaps of knowledge and my inabilities until it's overflowing. i can't & i wont stand for this. it's a tough lesson to learn but it has been learnt. 

Monday, October 6, 2014

the space between



such a mellow and lovely song

just wanted to say that when running a usual marathon, sometimes yeah there is 100pluses and bananas. but sometimes there isn't either. you start to wonder why you signed up for this marathon, why you didnt train harder. and coz there isnt anyone around you that you know, you start to be your own cheerleader and think of what nasi lemak you're going to have after this run finishes. or you start having mini-races with the people next to you. or philosophizing about life.

the funny thing about life is that it is UNLIKE a marathon. in real life, God always saves you just as you think you can't go on anymore. he always appears & miraculously saves you from yourself. (assuming you were generally going in the direction he was leading you in... but even then, half the time, you were running off in some other confused direction. but he saves you anyway). i dont purpose to know WHY he does this, nor to say that i deserve it. but i happen to know that its when one most needs the miracle most desperately, that He comes through. & i happen to believe in this 100%.

and wouldn't you believe it, the theme of today's doctor's life support is:

6th October 2014: Nothing Impossible

Nothing is impossible with God. Luke 1:37 (NIV)
There are many things we cannot alter, much as we should like to. We say: `If only I could, I would'. What could be better, then, than a faith that makes all things possible for us? But we have already made as subtle but serious shift from a biblical principle. The Christian's God is indeed one with whom `nothing is impossible', but this is quite different from saying that God will do anything: `If I cannot, God will'. This is convenient but not scriptural.
This formula, used as a type of incantation, is bound to fail. Experience and commonsense demonstrate it to be false. This is not surprising because Scripture tells us that there are some things that even God cannot do. He cannot belie his nature. The context of the verse is important. In the instance quoted it is the promise of the virgin birth of Jesus, the very incarnation of God himself. With God the utterly impossible actually happened. On another occasion Jesus made the same statement regarding the possibility of a rich man entering God's kingdom (Mt 19:23-26). In yet another Paul is asserting that when God promises something he is able to perform it (Rom 4:21). We see therefore that to impose the necessary strict conditions on the application of this promise in no way limits its stupendous and miraculous possibilities.
All that is consonant with God's nature is possible, all that is true, holy and righteous. More than that, all that is in line with his will no one and nothing can ultimately frustrate. This has been the challenge and the comfort of God's children throughout history. God's dependability is guaranteed to those who depend on him. `They who trust him wholly find him wholly true' F R Havergal).
This is the great principle proved in practice by those whose belief and trust is real. Such usually have more than their share of troubles, for God saves us in rather than from our circumstances, while faith remains undimmed and trust in him grows, `Depend upon it, God's work, done in God's way, will never lack God's supplies' (Hudson Taylor).
For every promise of God is sure to be fulfilled.
Lk 1:37 (JBP)

all you ever wanted

its a holiday!!! spending today doing absolutely NOTHING feels awesome.

2 mths of DIM have come & gone. sip really prepared me well for work & the team atmosphere i felt in sgh as an sip student is really true. whatever i do in the future, i picked well for my ho yr :) i have had possibly the nicest set of mos EVER. (z, zy and ny) and the good fortune to have a superb sip student for the week i had 12 pts all to myself. i realised one's efficiency varies according to how many patients one has. when you have 12 pts, somehow you just become super efficient & everything gets done. and my fellow hos are so awesome too. the extremely fast response to sos-es haha.

one more month before we all converge on gs. i hope i survive that. omg.

anyway, managed to submit my residency app just on time. truly an exercise in trusting God, waiting on all my referees to submit their referrals haha. the last minute joy when the last sms from one of my tutors (and heroes) came in with a smiley face no less. relief +++


Sunday, September 28, 2014

because of different times

i guess no matter how much time goes by, i will never forget the person at the heart of the pivotal point in my life. every happy moment in my life will always be like a counterpoint to what went before. i think there's nothing wrong with having lived intensely, feeling deeply happiness/confusion/whatever you call it. there's nothing wrong with acting childishly and humanly, doing what you believed to be the right thing. even if; especially if, it was all going to start going right sometime soon. like the song says 'the way of parting is the right thing/ without you, i seem to be relaxed'. like a counterpoint, there isn't one without the other. i think that was the final thing that matured me, the final thing i had to learn. the final thing i had to exchange for happiness. i think so coz, since then, i've never experienced anything like that before. everyone i've met thus far is relatively sane and things progress logically, without strange jumps in logic and odd, uncomphrehendable behavior. i dont miss feeling like alice in wonderland, i'd say that much. but 
~
It seems like the way of parting is the right thing
Without you, I seem to be relaxed
Even if someone comes to see me late at night,
No one is going to interfere it
It seems like the way of parting is the right thing
The answer has come down for several times
From one to ten, aren’t we different?
Whatever we do, we always hurt each other
Today, of all day, I keep drifting from you
It seems like tonight is longer than yesterday
Can’t we even start again?
Anyway, if things start to hurt again
You know someone who can relieve the longing
From one to ten, didn’t we resemble each other?
Maybe there’s no answer like love
I guess it’s just an endless question

Saturday, September 27, 2014

choose to love

He never sleeps, He never slumbers
He's been awake at every hour
No tear catches Him by surprise
He's never lost, He never runs out
He never lives in the shadows of doubt
No fear catches Him by surprise
Put your hope in God
Put your hope, put your hope in God
His love is real, now nothing is impossible
'Cause nothing catches Him by surprise

~
So I’m gonna choose to reach out 
Choose to lay down 
All of the fear that I’ve been hiding 
Choose to be brave 
Though my heart’s afraid 

To be a part of Your Kingdom rising, oh 
God, I’m done running from 
The reason that You sent Your Son 
So I will choose to love 
~
"Promises"
Sometimes it's hard to keep believing in what you can't see
That everything happens for a reason even the worst life brings
If you're reaching for an answer and you don't know what to pray
Just open up the pages, let His Word be your strength

And hold on to the promises (hold tight)
Hold on to the promises (all right)

And all things work for the good of those who love God
Oh, if God is for us who can be against us
~
here i am having cold feet once again. i can run & run & sometimes i do dodge bullets. that was a lucky bullet i dodged the last time. this time??? who knows. 

last year i felt so sure during the epiphany that God wanted me to get into _____ and somehow use that to do His work. i felt so completely sure of it that i totally forget/ tried not to remember that i never get anything the usual non-circuitous route. so it's a bit not very convincing when i read my own words about part a, b... etc (and no that doesnt refer to mrcpch part a and b...). but i sometimes... cannot even survive the DAY. if not for my current SIP student, i would definitely not survive my current home block. no kidding. 

lets talk about a miracle, once during the epiphany, i was facing a huuge dilemna about whether to proceed with a project or not. and the answer was WAS, so i did. and that ended up in an amazing miracle & experience. totally the highlight of my ho yr. 

but anyway, whatever i choose, as long as i chose it for love, it's gonna be okay. there's only one choice i could have chose for fame/ fortune/prestige, and i bypassed that choice after last yr's epiphany. keep telling myself im gonna meet the impossible deadlines.