About Me

Monday, June 30, 2014

onthesubway


this encapsulates it perfectly
two months down & i'm still so imperfect
the last call still makes me shudder a little when i think abt it. 
i dont even know who's my mo tmr (or if the roster is set for that matter)
dear God
please let us all survive tmr
thank you

Sunday, June 29, 2014

rainy rainy



If love continues
Until you accept that it has ended
I am still left behind in my memories
I still felt your presence, 
Not realizing that I'm the only one
Whose feelings hadn't changed
When we crossed paths.

can't accept the loneliness
can't even tear away from my memory of you
The busy time
Makes my heart feel tightened
As you saw me, always trying to laugh off
The beginning of the End,
What went through your mind?


But you become the past
Beyond the rain drops that tap on the window
The place we used to go together
As they blur and disappear
Only the sweet sound keeps resonating
Oh rainy rainy x3

~

beautiful song by daesung :):)

returning to the OSA of work in about 20 hrs time.... i think i kinda underestimated the logbookthingy for last mth. oops. 

Friday, June 27, 2014

what is love

the past week has been crazy and sleep deprived. i mean, its been fun overall, esp today as we were madly settling things that cropped up. everything went really well today, and most importantly i survived!!! actually most importantly all our patients survived. considering i felt ready to collapse even before i left the house this morning, this is defo a personal achievement

2 months into work, getting to know people better, work is getting smoother, dont get scolded (subtly or not so subtly) that much anymore. although definitely i can still see all my imperfections and areas to improve. i think i really like gathering experience. everything i start something new like a new ward/ deployed somewhere new/ start working with a new mo, there's always a barrier of something to prove/ some systems-based hurdle to get over. but as time goes by, it definitely gets better. you get into teh Zone

to the people that have been with me through this journey so far, esp my fellow hos junheng and kw and andy (being the hos i worked with the most commonly the past 2 months), thank you for being so awesome - junheng for being so hilarious and making our blur and slow first month so funny (kinda like when you dunno whether to laugh or cry... you just laugh. lol. lets just say... there was a lot of laughing that month). kimwei for being so thoroughly reliable (even if the things may or may not eventually get done -cough hids-, he just sounds SO convincing that everything will be ok. his "DON'T WORRY. IT WILL BE OK", only belied by sudden outbursts of angst over the phone to the unsuspecting dept secretary regarding the ridic imbalanceness of the hids haha then i realised how pissed he was at us having to stay back til 9pm everyday to do hids. but nevertheless through all this saiganging, it IS really nice to have fellow saigang warriors along with you doing the work. thanks for being the first line of help before i go bother an mo (anyway he's nearly an mo already... haha). it really helps such a lot. andy for being so cheerful and reliable.

to some special mos and regs - thank you for being so patient with me and teaching me things without ever being snarky about it. socrates method being what it is, i think i still learn better if i'm not feeling guilt/ fear. think i am most indebted to val, jh, zh and c. especially c- i really hope that one day i can be as cool and yet as pro as her.

anyway today was pretty fun (on hindsight). thank God that i survived.

i now have to chiong roster and logbook. and do 3 LPs next mth. crap. plus next mth's roster. double crap



6th call

so i had my 6th call. it was really... omg.

things i learnt from this call
1. just give paracet unless the patient has allergy/ is less than six months old
2. must have a good night's sleep before the call!!! no more roster planning for me man

things i did well
- i think i was pretty fast. it was just a bad call

things i can improve
- blood taking was just hit or miss sigh. i was actually quite lucky re: blood taking on my previous calls. but small chubby babies = errrrr

luckily i had a good mo or i woulda just died. thanks val. seriously. sorry i was so chui this day and the wards just exploded on us sighhh. thank you for being so nice and understanding and funny as usual! at 6am when we are still saiganging together at least i know my mo's in it with me. plus i dont feel scared to call her for help/ escalate when needed so it really helps a lot. 

Saturday, June 21, 2014

love & farewell/ they're just whatever



Love and farewell
they’re all just whatever.
I don’t care.
It’s okay.
I’m used to me alone.
I used to be cold, I used to be emotionless,
but I’m feeling a bit strange these days.
I used to be greedy, I used to be selfish,
but I’m starting to let it go.
Got everything I wanted,
but couldn’t get the things I needed.
The greed that covered my eyes,
the selfishness that filled my hands,
I’m letting it all go on my way to you.
Throwing out my past.
The wounds that hurt my heart,
the suffocating memories,
I’m letting it all go on my way to you.
No more tears fall,
I don’t even have the time for it.
“I won’t stop.
Anymore.
I’m used to the loneliness.”
I used to say that, I used to act tough,
but I’m feeling a bit strange these days.
I used to be greedy, I used to be selfish,
but I’m starting to let it go.
Without you it’s meaningless,
Without you there is no me.
I can throw away the world and be fine with you in my heart.
Baby, I will never let you go.

take us down and we keep trying

I stared up at the sun,
Thought of all of the people, places and things I’ve loved.
I stared up just to see
With all of the faces, you were the one next to me.

You can feel the light start to tremble,
Washing what you know out to sea.
You can see your life out of the window tonight.

If I lose myself tonight,
It’ll be by your side.
I lose myself tonight...
(oh) yeah, yeah, yeah.

Take us down and we keep trying,
Forty thousand feet, keep flying.
~
med students are flooding the hospital these days. when i see them i feel a mix of nostalgia for my (reccently concluded) days of being a med student myself and a mix of oh crap how am i gonna teach them AND do my rounds?? usually the thought of embarrassment if i dont know my patients wins and i prioritize my rounds over teaching, but i do try as well to some extent. haha. i mean i do still remember the excitement of the first day in the wards!!! when all the microb is finally over and you get to go into the wards for real & its just super awkward hanging around people. and for the SIPs i know that they really want to practice ho-ship so they dont have a painful first week when they finally do start. i can see why the hos were so glad to have sips when we were m5 though. hahahaha. it's so nice to have someone to pre-round for you for at least a few patients. 

in a way they sort of inspire me coz it's very easy to get lost in a day to day survival race against the clock. but they remind me of what we've all gone thru to get here. kinda adds a little more meaning/ reminds me of why i wanted this. half the time im just like - survive am rounds, survive pm ward exploding. HOME 5PM. but of course nah we leave at 830 after hidsing. 

anyway im proud to say i educated my m3s on neurocutaneous stigmata and ims, and i taught my m5s how to do hids. i remember how happy i was when my hos let me do hids for the first time. hahaha. although m's hids was like written in PROSE and i had to go back and rewrite it. and i was covering that ward and technically didnt have to hids at all for that ward -_- haha. but nvm. he did after all coach my jnrs and cause them to get further in a debate competition than we usually do. LOL. also after observing 3 debaters present during am rounds (j, me and m), i conclude that being able to be debate, and being able to present during am rounds, are mutually exclusive. i think after hearing me present, m also has a similar conclusion. haha. it's probably coz during debates it's a lot of rhetoric and grand assumptions, not fact-based, while in medcine, this is either the 1st wheeze, or it's not. the npa was either negative, or not. it's a bit difficult to generalize or to depend on hot air to persuade people, you kinda just either have to know it or admit if you dont know it. and i think its probably better to say "no i didnt ask specifically" than to lie. (duh). 

anyway fun times. i promise to teach my med students more!! assuming i'm alive, which is a huge assumption to make. sy told me not to take off in lieu post call but i think eh if im spending all this time on call roster im going to!!! rounding post call is a special kind of pain that nothing prepares you for. really nothing. not even running 21km. not even training with national triathaletes. my modus operandi is to give everyone all their random call requests and hope no one will judge me for my post call oil haha. or maybe just give them chocolates. chocolate always saves teh day. 

everything that kills me makes me feel alive

Lately, I've been, I've been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I've been, I've been praying hard,
Said, no more counting dollars
We'll be counting stars, yeah we'll be counting stars
I see this life like a swinging vine
Swing my heart across the line
And my face is flashing signs
Seek it out and you shall find
Old, but I'm not that old
Young, but I'm not that bold
I don't think the world is sold
I'm just doing what we're told
I feel something so right
Doing the wrong thing
I feel something so wrong 

Doing the right thing
I could lie, coudn't I, could lie

Everything that kills me makes me feel alive
I feel the love
And I feel it burn
Down this river every turn
Hope is our four letter word
~

totally shredded even though i didnt have a single call this week. staying back til 9pm everyday to do discharges is really so exhausting. it just all adds up.

yesterday i was deployed out (for the 2nd time this week!!). i resolved to buy sy (next mth's deployer) some chocolates to bribe him after it was all over. SO PAINFUL. it was so messy and so chaotic and ugh not to give more details but in the bus home passing by newton circus i was just thinking to myself that circuses make people stronger right?? then i got the email saying im deployed to that ward for the whole of next month...

oh well. at least i'll do lots of procedures. that's one of the many reasons i signed up for this hospital anyway coz i wanted to learn to do procedures in a volume-heavy place. and indeed i am proud to say my blood-taking is improving!! i havent done all that many blds this past week coz i havent had calls and my ward is ok in that there arent that many blds everyday but amongst the 2-3 ive done its a 100% success rate :)

now having a nice saturday off. so many things i want to do with this 24 hours of blissful freedom before i spend a sunday 7am-7pm working zomg. i wonder what time i shld go to round my 16 new patients on sunday? maybe i shld reach at 6am? sigh.

on the bright side, i am fairly positive that my mos and super nice reg in my current home ward are literally godsent & evidence that one can be pro, nice and responsible. you dont really have to be snarky or shove ur way around to be efficient and reliable. v is as usual awesomeness & i overheard w telling her that she's going on leave soon for a medical missions trip. maybe that's what we're meant to be in this life. beacons of light in a sea of shining darkness. for people to wonder what makes this mo so nice and reasonable in the face of 101 reasons to not be, and to wonder what makes the difference; the difference is God.

no matter what happens with my life (i'm not too fussed honestly), i hope that one day if i were to be senior mos like them, i will be like that too. & i hope that they will pass their exams & become super nice regs too :)

ok off to enjoy my saturday
- eggs for brunch
- call roster
- GYM!!! (first time this monthhh)
- shopping if there is time
- church
- sleeeep

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

all of me



'Cause aaaaall of me
Loves aaaall of you

we were playing the original john legend song in the mo room when doing hids today haha love it!! just chanced upon this lunafly cover.

the more i work the more i think the navy seal dude got it right. the people that do more circuses find that they become stronger than ever. im survivin' but i know there is such a lot more in terms of knowledge/ instinct/ clinical judgement/ efficiency to do. at least people's jaws have stopped dropping. every now and then during ward round i have brain freeze and there's a micro jawdrop but thankfully those times are few and far between, well compared to the first month. hahaha.

thankful for my mos, i think they def trust me more than the prev mos did (and for good reason too, hahaha), but also i know i'm still far off the mark. i think its really nice that they trust and im not sure why (it -could- be the spillover effect of my fellow hos who are quite trustable), but its also a positive reinforcement in that i dont want to let down their trust and thus i try even harder. thankful for my fellow hos who are three of the most trustable people ever.

getting deployed tmr. hope i survive the day haha. everyday is just survival. like today we had med students and all i could think to myself is that even though i know only too well how exciting the first day in the ward is, i really need to round my patients finish or risk dying of embarrassment during reg rounds/ reverse rounds. i did manage to teach them a bit though. maybe more next time. i think out of all the postings i am most qualified to teach paeds (as in i know more paeds than IM/ surg. hahaha).

Sunday, June 15, 2014

sometimes

it's a beautiful sunday morning after a rash of calls. reading what a friend wrote on fb rings really really true.

everyday it's a battle between a mental note of how much time we have to finish things as efficiently as possible and go home for our well-deserved sleep before the next day of battle, versus working at it with all your heart for the Lord & not your human masters.

ive been guilty of living the first life. its difficult when you know that no matter what you do, people just want you to be fast. no one really wants you to sit around philosophically and think about Life and Why We Are Here On Earth.

the other day i had a pretty good call with the nicest mo ever. even when i missed out small things, she would tell me "eh just tell you ah, dont intermittently miss out things ok! but its ok, hahaha" a few days later on rounds i noticed she was wearing a silver cross around her neck. this is an mo so senior she will probably turn reg soon. and yet she willingly jumped to help me with everything, smoothed over pr issues and we survived sat and sun rounds together and had a very good call. everything went so smoothly despite sat calls being the longest ever.

somehow i have never had to force myself to see God in paeds the whole of my med school life. i had always enjoyed paeds and felt that i was better at it compared to my other postings (as a student that is). i didn't even need to look for God because on the surface i was so exhilarated to be blessed with the paeds postings and electives that i didn't need to dig down too deep to look for reasons to survive the day. not like some postings i dreaded and didn't know how i would survive. the only way to survive those postings was to tell myself to see God in my patients.

as a HO now, surviving barely day to day, counting down am rounds, call, post call rounds, biting my lips when my mo's jaw drops to the ground because of things i dont know (btw just systems based practice... to them it's so obvious but to me, it may be the first time i know the importance of things..) - i see God for the first time in paeds. i see Him in my mo who despite being so senior is still nice and yet manages to get everything done efficiently and well. i see Him in my reg who takes 30 minutes to educate me and kw on the importance of repeating uecr  - instead of scolding us, he laughs and jokes about it with us. but i know he is actually serious.  i see Him in the pharmacists who vet everything we order (and whom i can hear laughing exuberantly in the background of the phone call when they call to tell us about our mistakes at 3am).

i see Him very clearly when i manage to get bloods from a tiny baby - me, who is the last person who could possibly get bloods from a dry stone. i half didnt know why i was persuading the family so insistently cos i was dreading the bloods so much but somehow out of some dogged sense of duty i kept on calling the parents, talking to them.... somehow after all that talking, the invisible veins popped up beautifully. the feeling when you walk into the treatment room with a deep feeling of dread and bounce out in triumph with the blood tubes.

really liked these two verses my friend mentioned in his fb note:
"the rulers of the gentiles lord it over them and their high officials exercise authority over them. not so with you. whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave. just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and give his life as a ransom for many"

"truly i tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did it for me"

in the end, we are all only human. nothing can prepare us for the onslaught of workload which frankly, sometimes can feel a little inhuman. running between towers, fuelled by the fear that somewhere someone is going to scold us, if not tonight, the next morning the smses will come. but we dont have to run in fear. as long as we do it for God, somehow, it will all work out and the sun will rise. we will get the impossible bloods (or the nurses will pity us and help us get them, or we will discover a&e sent up some bloods with the patient). 

Saturday, June 14, 2014

rise

this is so apt for call!!! esp this part "alone in the darkness/ its so cold and crazy/ and everybody's heartless/ got no one to save me/ but *** it, imma be all right" haha. sarangheyyo taeyang oppa
Throw ya hands in the air.
Keep ya hands in the air.
We’re gonna be reachin’ for the sky tonight.
And we’re gonna light it up.
Rise tonight.
Throw ya hands in the air.
Keep ya hands in the air.
Put it in the air.
Feel it in the air.
Alone in the darkness.
It’s so cold and crazy.
And everybody’s heartless.
Got no one to save me.
But fuck it, imma be all right.
Wake up and rise.
Baby, I’m the one
to light it up
hotter than the burning sun.
Everytime that people say it’s the end,
I will show I’m forever.
If you can’t see it in my eyes,
if you don’t recognize,
then whatever.
Let me say ay!
Shout it out to the world. Ay!
Get ready, I’m comin’.
Reachin’ for the sky tonight.
Together, we’re gonna rise with the morning light.
Throw ya hands in the air.
Keep ya hands in the air.
We’re gonna be reachin’ for the sky tonight.
And we’re gonna light it up.
Rise tonight.

stay with me

loving all taeyang's songs!!

random thought on love, which i honestly have not much time to think about in the daily rush of survival. is that i must really really want it. it can't just be the easy way out. i've seen both sides of love now, and i know that even if most people may want to be loved, i prefer to love rather than to be loved. if i really had to choose. of course a good relationship is two way, there's no denying that! and maybe one day i'll find such a thing. but until that day, i wont settle for anything less. no form of one way loves. because what's the point really?

i think everyone should have someone they think of when love songs play in the background. some hazy memory that makes you smile to yourself. in the velvety silence of the night. of loves gained and lost; someone you thought you couldnt live without, whom you sometimes think you see out of the corner of your eyes, fleeting glimpses on trains as they pull out of the station, at subway stations in the middle of the night. the kind of creatures that populate haruki murakami novels

when i read what haruki murakami writes, i can't help but think of these perfectly imperfect loves & feel bittersweetly glad to have had such in my lifetime

whoever you love, whenever you love them, must be worthy of poetry. they must leap off the page when you read haruki murakami novels; transport you to his jazz-filled subterranean tunnels and hazy streeetlights of tokyo. they dont need to stand up to scrutiny in the harsh sunshine nor be perfect primary-colored; color-coded brilliance.

one day i'll find someone worthy of that. til then, i will not settle for anything less.



beautiful music

5th call

the calls are going by so fast!

this was a good call! firstly only 3 new adms (!!!) but a lot of stuff to settle for existing patients. got to sleep 1-2 hrs as well which was nice.

except my blood taking this call was terrible -_- the only one i succeded was one plug for some kid who wouldnt eat much. couldnt get for 2 kids no matter how i tried. okay that's still 33% success rate for the night. settled all my passives and tracings nicely.

survived the next morning rounds too. hopefully im getting the hang of this!!

weekend off = awesomeness. time to slack & have a nice catch up with my cg mates :)

plan for tmr: finish e learning, go gym, go buy my phone accessories/ contact lenses, church

plan for monday: hand up as much as possible of procedure skillz stuff, try to key in more stuff into the online logs. meet c and zq to discuss rostering.

looking forward to hols next month :) time to go gym and chillax and plan for the next overseas holiday hahaha. and graduation!

Monday, June 9, 2014

4th call

this was the BEST CALL ever. the only downside is that i lost my voice -_-

you win some, you lose some

firstly i had the good fortune of being paired with the nicest mo in possibly the entire hospital. not only was she nice, she was GOOD. and FAST. plus, this being my 4th call, i didnt make any faux pases [at least no one smsed me the next day abt anything. hahaha]. at the end of the long sunday rounds, she actually thanked me for doing a good job (!!!). after we saw some patient together at around 3am and she examined and i wrote the findings she actually thanked me for filling out the whole clerking sheet (!!). wah seriously nicest mo ever.

the last call the mo was also quite nice except i felt i was abit slow so i clerked this ge case with a cursory glance at the old notes.... BIG MISTAKE coz there was some impt stuff in there, so its not a simple simple ge per se. a bit of a jaw-dropping moment there (im used to this tho), luckily once the mo and reg comes the ho can go off to do the ho-stuff. still v embarrassing.

anyway so this call i cleared ALL THE WEIRD PASSIVES, all the tracings. even a call to set a plug at 638am. who calls the on call to set a plug at 638am when the morning team will come at 7??? unfortunately for me on a sunday whoever rounds that ward doesnt come so early. i really felt like throttling the person who must have been having an extra sunday sleep in. but anyway my fantastic mo did the plug. i would have done it but the parents told me that it was a difficult plug setting. and i asked my mo shld we leave it to the am team? and she just said its ok i will do it!! AMAZED.

i set 2 plugs quickly and successfully! so amazed at myself too. v little baby but after persuading the parents the whole night, suddenly the veins popped up and i got it with one poke. nothing can describe the satisfaction of successfully setting a plug on a little baby who is a moving target.

interesting call indeed.

and im on call again on weds. SOBS. thanks ah mr roster planner. haha

Thursday, June 5, 2014

third call

so this is the third call in my entire life. it's still nerve wracking. possibly it gets nerve wracking the more it goes. not more comfortable the more it goes.

things i did well
- i took loads of bloods and set plugs. i think i did around 4-5 successful bloods last night. and blood culture, plug, etc. that's definitely a higher success rate than usual. i guess when you only have one go, you just know you dont have any choice but to get it.
- i was much faster when clerking. in some ways, not fast enough and in others, not detailed enough. LOL. it's like simon says. honestly, sometimes one just cant win. i guess being slow is bad but being not detailed is worse
- i traced most results.
- i cleared most of the passives. haha i remember my first call my mo saved me by doing like half the passives and all the bloods

things to improve
- clerk faster and be more detailed (hai)
- just be faster in general
- trace every single bld result even if it killz me

Sunday, June 1, 2014

pizza

the weekend is over so fast!! i think i should be grateful coz every month we have at least 2 weekends totally off and of course the usual one day a week off thing. so there's at least 6 days off a month!! i still feel exhausted and unrefreshed after each weekend though -_- its like the osa of work haha. never enough time to slack off enough before it's back to the grind. yknow as a student, it's ok if you dont perform fantastically everyday, worse come to worst you feel a little lousy but the marks all kinda even out eventually? and honestly what a med student does is not even one fraction of what a ho does. not even. 

ANYWAY on a happy note i submitted all my call and meal and transport claims!! it doesnt come up to that much though -_- maybe like 350. for 1 half call and 2 full calls. oh well. it did make me slightly happy for like 5 mins. LOL. 

research is... happifying, and it makes me feel like i have a few brain cells to knock together, but at the same time it's more than slightly stressful. i love prezi though, it makes it so much more fun. it's good to find things that are fun whenever you can!!

one more day before we changeover our wards. but i have 2 days of clinics. this is gonna be confuuusing for a couple of days. as it always is every month everywhere when changeover happens. hopefully i can give the impression that i am smarter than a wombat, next month. and also go for the lunch time teaching. i quite enjoyed those we've been able to attend lately. (plus the feeling of being able to walk out of the ward without being accosted by the nurses to fight some fires and not have the phone ring and save ourselves from starvation is bliiiiss)