Hey, you who needs some sunshine All you gotta do is open up the blinds Hey, worry Hey, heartache Help is not that far away Just open up your eyes He’ll be there, He’ll be there every time
When you’re all out of heart and out of hope And you don’t really know which way to go Come on, come on, run to Jesus If you’re lost and you don’t know where to start It don’t really matter where you are
Do you know that your story Starts and ends with mercy When you’ve reached the end of every road And you’re a million miles from home That’s when you run, run to Jesus When the clouds have covered up the sun And your strength is all but gone When you’ve reached the end of every road Just run to Jesus
some awesome francesca battistelli songs from her new album!
when the crazy kicks in
Oh, come meet me in this moment
Before it all gets going
These plates start to spin
When the crazy kicks in
A circus of distractions
It's just about to happen
I'll be ready when
When the crazy kicks in
Pushed and pulled by a thousand expectations
And all the roads that I'm supposed to play
To hit the ground, running's a temptation
But I have learned this lesson the hard way
A little time with You, the only way to get me through the day
You got me, where You want me, even through the highs and lows
You know me, and You hold me, and You show me that You'll never let me go
this sounds a bit like the pre-call calm before the storm. in every dept except dim. becos in dim at 5.01pm the calls start coming. sometimes at 5pm sharp. remembering those days in ahgeri where somehow just a little prayer to get through the day morphed into an amazing posting experience He knows my name
Spent today in a conversation
In the mirror face to face with
somebody less than perfect I wouldn't choose me first if I was looking for a champion
In fact I'd understand if
You picked everyone before me
But that's just not my story
True to who You are You saw my heart and made Something out of nothing
Make no mistake
He knows my name
Giants fall Everyone's telling you To let go of what you're holding to It's too late, too far
You're too small, it's too hard
Throwing water on that spark
Living deep inside your heart
With oceans of reasons
The things you're not seeing But oh, maybe they don't Know what you know That you're not alone
Don't you be afraid
Of giants in your way
With God you know that anything's possible
So step into the fight
He's right there by your side
The stones inside your hand might be too small
But watch the giants fall
We could really live like this
Can't you imagine it
So bold, so brave
With childlike faith
Miracles could happen
Mountains would start moving
So whatever you may face
Ask and believe You're gonna see The hand of God in every little thing
Hands of God
Every time you speak out
And say the words I need to hear
Every time you reach out
I can feel His love so near
I hope you know
To me you are
The hands of God
I don't doubt
God is with me in the valley
But I believe
He gave me you
To remind me
The face of love
Every time you listen to me
'Cause you know I need a friend
Every time you stop what you're doing
And help me find my way again
I hope you know
To me you are
The hands of God
You are the hand upon my shoulder when I'm hurting
You are the voice of truth and love when I am searching
For every time you reach to help me in my need
One day, Jesus will say, You did it for Me
:) for those people who have listened to all my angst all these yrs. thank you guys for every time you stopped what you were doing to listen to me. even if our lives were only ships passing in the night, for those transient moments, thank you for saving me then. it is much appreciated.
yeah all the posts are overflowing coz this is my first weekend off in what seems like forever
it's been an interesting year indeed. note the disparity between pre and post work starting LOL
jan: surg starts tomorrow! i vividly remember the night before csfc surg started in m2, and the night before m3 surg started... brimming with excitement, unsure of what exactly surgery would entail, but also being very convinced that it would be all sorts of awesome.
feb: truly inspiring. to be able to use your God-given skills to bring more years of life to people
march: i slayed a kraken today ran to botanics!
april: back from my travels! most exciting & beautiful trip ever haha. literally thank God for bringing us back home safe & sound.
may: there are many things i don't know. but this i know, that this year of my life will only be turned to good. that God will be with me through my ho year. that i will look back on this time period & see God's hand in my life.
june: the weekend is over so fast!!
july: 7th call. so so tired and med dinner tmr, then call again the next day. this is sheer madness
aug: dim. honestly i'm just really sleepy all the time haha
resolutions for call on tues
1. no more than 15 mins for each new case
2. abg. abg. abg.
3. be prepared for the calls to flood at 5pm sharp (im not used to this coz in paeds the calls actually started at 630ish actually giving us time to shower, eat dinner (!!) etc)
thank God my mo was suat, thank God all my blds suceeded (even if the first one took super long and backlogged everything else). thanks to the nurse who asked me at 2am "girl you want to eat kueh kueh?" HAHA. thank God i only had 8 admissions (everyone who i told this to totally jawdropped upon hearing this)
past 3 weeks of DIM have been so so tiring. in a way fulfilling like when i finally managed to d/c this patient and she went home smiling and waving to us... definitely the teamwork in DIM is amazing. the ever-efficient FN, the hilarious & cute dot (sister of my ex-pri sch classmate!) and WL who always looks very stunned haha but is the nicest guy ever srsly. like once i was going to take bld c/s for some uncle who had fever (WHY must we do septic workups at the drop of the hat i have no idea but anw...). and sudddenly WL appeared to give me moral support HAHA anyway yes i suceeded in that bld c/s. yay. one of the nicest things abt HO yr has been the fellow HOs slogging through this year with me.
oh and i also lost like 4kg since ho year started. LOL. despite going gym like ONCE. and despite eating loads of desserts yesterday at TY dinner. ty dinner was quite funny coz i sat down next to nat my ex fellow ho then realised i dont really know the other pple at the table tt well HAHA but anyway it turned out really entertaining, and its always gd to get to know people better. lol.
something i constantly think about is that i am so not ready to be an mo in ANY speciality once this year is over. i guess paeds i'm slightly more ready than say... dim haha. but then again i didnt really feel prepared to be a HO on my first day of work either, so. i guess whatever situation you're in you just gotta step up to it and make it no matter what. a lot of ho work is like that. i would never have expected i could whip up blue letters and call 101 people to sort things out for my patients all before 1pm, but somehow it just gets done
a lot of what transpires before med sch/ ho year may not be directly related to medicine per se, but it does prepare you for the personal efficiency and for the extending beyond your own means to accomplish things you'd never imagine you can accomplish within the realm of human limitations. like my conquering maths to get an A when i am so maths-challenged seemed like so difficult back then but it did prepare me for the daily battle of finishing a thousand things before lunchtime.
random nice song by nu'est - good bye bye
Your tears and face grew cold I didn’t know why I was so lost in you Only scars remain in my angry heart Then you told me to at least keep the memories The innocence has disappeared The light that only shone on me was you But I can’t be deceived by the trap of time and stay here Even if I have to walk through an endless tunnel I can overcome it And let me say Good bye baby Good bye baby I can live without you Living because I can’t die I’m afraid I’ll be like that tomorrow In the middle of a very long life There will be a day when I forget you Sometimes I look back at us Because my efforts are honest to me I just need to forget yesterday and get back up again I just need to tie my untied shoelaces and run again Just like the story of us written in an old diary I can’t live while being lost anymore The innocence still remains I can’t let you see my tears touch the ground i'm alright now without you
today was the most beautiful day in my entire memory.
well, i've had some really awesome & amazing miraculous days before too. but today practically ranks up there with the best of them.
i never want to forget this day.
i know that i tell myself often that in order to moderate expectations, i should not predicate my entire happiness on being accepted into a sub-specialty (assuming i even get accepted into the specialty)
but you know, this has been an amazing journey from the day of Epiphany (literally speaking) when I asked God should I go ahead with this or not and he said - YES. Until this day, beautifully bookended by two of the most inspiring talks i have ever heard in my entire life, selfies with the team, being their unofficial photographer & getting career advice from one of the drs i most respect and admire (and was a little scared of as a student mainly due to his general awesomeness). i can't describe this feeling bubbling over like a champagne fountain
i trust that with God's grace and my newfound determination to do everything i can to get there, one day, i will. every doubter and every encourager will just spur me on
sometimes it's true that when you don't get something, God is closing a door. but maybe, sometimes, he just takes a little longer to answer your prayer; not on the time frame you had humanly expected
i know there is so much i don't know. once as a student, my friend was so amused when i told her 'i love knowledge' i guess i dont exactly come across as very knowledge-loving hahahah. but i dont think anyone could have sat in today's sessions and not been wide-eyed at the spectrum of research already done and yet to come... i dont think anyone can round with these amazing people and not be like a sponge soaking up all the teaching. i know all my mos and hos were scribbling down dr T's teaching during ward rounds when i was a student. but y'know, im determined to go to these things until i at least know what i don't know. knowledge isn't something locked up somewhere, it's easily obtained once you know where to look
when you find what you love, it isn't work or drudgery anymore
it's just pure love
no amount of doubters or insecurity or human limitation can stop me
... now back to boring im and my inability to take adult bloods. sigh haha
the past three months have been nothing short of crazy & amazing. looking back on it, they've been bookended by my acceptance & by today's actual event. such a perfect beginning & closure to my first three months of work ever in my life and my paeds HO posting.
i've never felt more fortunate as when i was sitting there soaking in all the plethora of information. wondering how i could have been so lucky as to get this awesome chance. of course that was soon mitigated when the realization of what i have to do to validate my attendance soon sunk in... HAHA. thus commenced around half a day of frantic activity. well... i survived it!!
in summary, as in for everything big, THANK GOD. seriously. and also the amazing people who have rendered their help, and kindness. i am indeed indebted to them.
one more day of learning about cool and amazing things awaits :)
of paeds is over (except 1 day on monday where i have to somehow round AND also finish all the admin stuff PLUS get admin stuff for tuesday sorted out haha)
it's been AWESOME. i still like it, except now im no longer the idealistic wide-eyed medical student who liked paeds coz playing with cute children is fun. i cant remember when's the last time i took my da kit and da-ed anyone, probably in m5. babies ARE really cute though, no question about that. i like paeds now DESPITE knowing we have to do crazy-fast rounding and then a million changes, DESPITE knowing there can be difficult parents, despite knowing that i don't know enough.
part of this is because of my lovely ward in the 3rd mth. i initially really wanted to go to HD for the exposure but ended up in 31 which was brilliant coz of all the procedures and all the bloods we need to do for the few days old babies. it got to the point where if a kid is 1yo, the kid seems really big to me coz i've been trying to set plugs for babies a few days old to max 6months old everyday. haha. not just that, for some reason which i am unable to fathom completely, the mos really trusted me, i guess for the simple reason that me and joel are the 2 older hos while the other 2 are in their first month of doctoring EVER. this trust soon turned into positive feedback & furthermore i happen to really respect and admire my mos so i'm really eager to help them out.
to be perfectly honest in the first month i did feel woefully inadequate. i remember one night in june doing hids late at night with kw, i was telling him that actually im not exactly a very responsible person & i dont think that i should be a doctor haha. of course he was like "no la no la you're okay, DONT WORRY" (usual phrase used whenever i express sentiments like HOW ARE WE GOING TO FINISH ALL THESE HIDS/ PM ROUNDING/ MILLIONS OF CHANGES/ when we are dying and there seems to be no end in sight).
i guess practice does make perfect! i think i'm a (relatively) safe and functional paeds HO at any rate, by this time. i'm so glad for my mos who trusted me and enmated positive vibes which enabled me to have trust in myself. haha yes self-confidence and innate self-belief is good too but its always nice to know people believe in you too instead of constantly having to self pep-talk yourself LOL.
in conclusion, now that this season of "so you think you wanna do paeds" has come to an end, i conclude that i DO want to do it. haha.
thank you God for a lovely 3 months spent doing my dream posting :) please may i survive my upcoming conference and also survive IM!!
10th call was a high d call and i had to round hd that day as well, was quite scared before at the thought but turned out quite fun! quite a lot of adms for ho2 though -_- 10-11 adms. deb says she slept 4 hours on ho2 call before HAHA. i slept 2 hours, personal achievement! traced back ALL the bloods and updated my mo and started mx (culture and cover, etc). wow. first time i actually had time to go back and trace the bloods of patients i admit, usually the mo does it! but mo2 is quite stress coz of high d. overall, good call :)
11th and last ever paeds HO call was ho1 on my home ground!! beautiful LP rounding off my paeds HO posting. NO RBCs in the LP at all!! did urine in-outs the whole night, i'm now officially the urine in-out expert (in neonates that is). by the 5th in-out i was like....
started off well with me giving the nurses chocolates for nurses day, resulted in random nurses coming up to the counter as i clerked inumerable bronchiolitis babies thanking me for the chocolate :) lol chocolate makes everyone happy. one of the things i like about 31 is how S the vatsnurse always hangs around the treatment room conveniently. she has saved me SO many times. you can't imagine my feeling of relief when i see S coming over the horizon haha.
and plus the mo was WY who is the nicest mo ever so i wasn't scared to call her for stuff! what i liked best about this call was that we didnt sleep much but we werent so rushed off our feet that we didnt do stuff properly - so we didnt sleep coz we settled everything thoroughly and well. i like :) unfortunately of course not every call is like that HAHA.