About Me

Sunday, September 28, 2014

because of different times

i guess no matter how much time goes by, i will never forget the person at the heart of the pivotal point in my life. every happy moment in my life will always be like a counterpoint to what went before. i think there's nothing wrong with having lived intensely, feeling deeply happiness/confusion/whatever you call it. there's nothing wrong with acting childishly and humanly, doing what you believed to be the right thing. even if; especially if, it was all going to start going right sometime soon. like the song says 'the way of parting is the right thing/ without you, i seem to be relaxed'. like a counterpoint, there isn't one without the other. i think that was the final thing that matured me, the final thing i had to learn. the final thing i had to exchange for happiness. i think so coz, since then, i've never experienced anything like that before. everyone i've met thus far is relatively sane and things progress logically, without strange jumps in logic and odd, uncomphrehendable behavior. i dont miss feeling like alice in wonderland, i'd say that much. but 
~
It seems like the way of parting is the right thing
Without you, I seem to be relaxed
Even if someone comes to see me late at night,
No one is going to interfere it
It seems like the way of parting is the right thing
The answer has come down for several times
From one to ten, aren’t we different?
Whatever we do, we always hurt each other
Today, of all day, I keep drifting from you
It seems like tonight is longer than yesterday
Can’t we even start again?
Anyway, if things start to hurt again
You know someone who can relieve the longing
From one to ten, didn’t we resemble each other?
Maybe there’s no answer like love
I guess it’s just an endless question

Saturday, September 27, 2014

choose to love

He never sleeps, He never slumbers
He's been awake at every hour
No tear catches Him by surprise
He's never lost, He never runs out
He never lives in the shadows of doubt
No fear catches Him by surprise
Put your hope in God
Put your hope, put your hope in God
His love is real, now nothing is impossible
'Cause nothing catches Him by surprise

~
So I’m gonna choose to reach out 
Choose to lay down 
All of the fear that I’ve been hiding 
Choose to be brave 
Though my heart’s afraid 

To be a part of Your Kingdom rising, oh 
God, I’m done running from 
The reason that You sent Your Son 
So I will choose to love 
~
"Promises"
Sometimes it's hard to keep believing in what you can't see
That everything happens for a reason even the worst life brings
If you're reaching for an answer and you don't know what to pray
Just open up the pages, let His Word be your strength

And hold on to the promises (hold tight)
Hold on to the promises (all right)

And all things work for the good of those who love God
Oh, if God is for us who can be against us
~
here i am having cold feet once again. i can run & run & sometimes i do dodge bullets. that was a lucky bullet i dodged the last time. this time??? who knows. 

last year i felt so sure during the epiphany that God wanted me to get into _____ and somehow use that to do His work. i felt so completely sure of it that i totally forget/ tried not to remember that i never get anything the usual non-circuitous route. so it's a bit not very convincing when i read my own words about part a, b... etc (and no that doesnt refer to mrcpch part a and b...). but i sometimes... cannot even survive the DAY. if not for my current SIP student, i would definitely not survive my current home block. no kidding. 

lets talk about a miracle, once during the epiphany, i was facing a huuge dilemna about whether to proceed with a project or not. and the answer was WAS, so i did. and that ended up in an amazing miracle & experience. totally the highlight of my ho yr. 

but anyway, whatever i choose, as long as i chose it for love, it's gonna be okay. there's only one choice i could have chose for fame/ fortune/prestige, and i bypassed that choice after last yr's epiphany. keep telling myself im gonna meet the impossible deadlines. 

Friday, September 26, 2014

the space between

26th September 2014: Take Time to Pray

For God alone my soul waits in silence, for my hope is in him. Psalm 62:5
I got up early one morning,
and rushed right into the day!
I had so much to accomplish
that I didn't have time to pray.
Problems just tumbled about me,
and heavier came each task.
'Why doesn't God help me?' I wondered.
He answered, 'You didn't ask!'
I tried to come into God's presence.
I used all my keys at the lock.
God gently and lovingly chided.
'Why, child, you didn't knock!'
I wanted to see joy and beauty.
But the day toiled on, grey and bleak.
I wondered why God didn't show me.
He said, 'But you didn't seek!'
This is so often typical of a doctor's life, even a Christian doctor. When was the last time that we actually got up early to spend time with the Lord because we had a lot to do on that day? When Jesus had a hectic day, he went away to pray. Let us focus more on the source of our strength and our life, Jesus Christ, for he said, 'I am the vine... apart from me you can do nothing'. I am sure that not only can we accomplish more, but we shall be a more effective witness in our surgery, and we can be of even greater help to our patients.
Let us see it this way:
I woke up early this morning
And paused before entering the day.
I had so much to accomplish
That I HAD to take time to pray.
~

apt :)

i have like 1-2 days to finish residency app. but i dont regret staying back everyday just to check the labs one more time to make sure everything is settled, all ordered for the next day. even though i'm exhausted, when my patients survive just one day more, i feel it's worth it. maybe this is what they mean when they say medicine is worth it

i hope so. it's a miracle if i even submit this application on time let alone get it. haha. trusting in God that i will at least manage to submit it. 

Saturday, September 20, 2014

need you now

i love love love this lady antebellum song!! singin' my heart out at karaoke heh.
the feelin of:

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without.
I just need you now.

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?
For me it happens all the time.

and as you turn away:
Nothing more to say
Nothing left to break
I keep reaching out for you
Hoping you might stay

Nothing more to give
Nothing left to take
I keep reaching out for you
Reaching out for you
As you turn away

Let go of my hand
So I can feel again
Nothing's gonna hurt as much
As that final touch

No we can't be friends
Cause I don't think I could take seeing you
And knowing where we've been
I hope you understand

One step my heart is breaking
One more my hands are shaking
The door is closing
And I just can't change it

~
realization last night (after being bombarded by love songs ITS A LOVE STORY BABY JUST SAY YES! haha my team rocks) is that the human heart is just super fickle.

yeah clearly a realization worthy of a literary prize huh.

i think either way to just un-logically love with no logic or reason and even though there is this voice in your head telling you NO cos if you love someone so much you'll go run up volcanoes in the middle of the night, that's clearly a dangerous kinda love, vs just going with something that comes so easily & that you dont have to fight for/ that everything falls into place & there aren't any huge roadblocks... both ways are wrong. there's a somewhere in between out there

i think we must try to find the kinda love they talk about. not in lady antebellum songs the kind you need stat at 2am (i think that's called Super Reliable MOs who come and save you). the kind they talk about in corinthians. not to be cheesy or anything but. the kind of love that buys you coffee after a call and offers to drive you back to save you time after a harrowing weekend round and offers to help you with changes. yeah. that kinda. i'm honestly not sure if i deserve that kinda, at all. (even after yrs of "I NEED YOU NOWWWW" haha). but even so, thinking bout it, that's the only kind that leaves peace in my heart.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

on coffee



haha OMG, love this!! the picture of seo in guk sitting surrounded with coffee cups... story of my life.


last day of freedom

it's been a good break :) one which i desperately needed. towards the end of last week... the whole of last week really, my psychomotor slowing was reaching new heights. or should i say new lows. 
now back to the onslaught of life& admin things bleagh


Tuesday, September 16, 2014

doctor's life support

found this amaaazing site: http://www.cmf.org.uk/doctors/devotion.asp?id=devotion&day=24&month=10

extremely apt words for that day heh. and the idea of dr's life support is quite amusing

God made us alive together with Christ and raised us up with him in the heavenly places that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness towards us. Ephesians 2:5-7

As Christians, we are the recipients of God's tremendous blessing. When we were dead in our sin, Paul told the church at Ephesus, God made us alive, raised us up and placed us with him in a heavenly position. Why? Why should God be so generous with us? God has done this, Ephesians 2 tells us, `in order that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace toward us'. God is blessing us now so he can bless us more later: God is in the business of blessing. He wants to bless us.

God has arranged the universe to make his blessing available to us. Having saved us, he has `given us everything we need for life and godliness'. He has also prepared for us good works to be done, for it is in doing good that we experience his blessing. Finally, he has set before us, as Moses explained to Israel, life and prosperity. The abundance of God's kindness is available and is accessible to us.

How, then, shall we make God's blessing ours? Moses and Joshua were each instructed to live according to God's word. It is in obedience to God that we reap his blessing. Yet it is not in our own strength that we obey, for having been crucified with Christ, it is now Christ who lives in us. Obedient to his word, we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.

Interestingly, however, God's blessings often come to us in disguise. Even the `trials of many kind' and the `painful trial' or `fiery ordeal' referred to by New Testament writers will lead to deepened faith and a revelation of God's glory. God's blessing will far surpass the difficulties of the present age. Amid the sleep deprivation, pressured circumstances and stressful situations incumbent upon those in the medical profession, God offers a remedy. To the weary, he offers a light yoke. To the workers, he offers the promise of a harvest. We need not succumb to `burnout'. We can take on his yoke and look beyond burnout to blessing.

It is overwhelming to meditate on the vastness of God's kindness to us. He is blessing us now so he can bless us more in the future. Accepting his provision, even through difficult times, we can obediently choose to live his life with his prosperity.

Thank you, Lord, for the graciousness of these words of
assurance: `I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord,
`plans for welfare and not for evil,
to give you a future and a hope' (Je 29:11).
~

and no i dont think this is the same as the prosperity gospel haha. its more of somethin' to get you through those endless nights. for the record, i have nothing against being up all night. some of my best calls didnt involve me even stepping into the call room. i like those nights in which i can slowly and calmly settle all my patients (without angry/ stressed out calls 'doctor patient family angry, family wants update now (at 2am??) doctor are you coming doctor do you remember two hours ago i called you doctor i think my colleague from the other shift called you') haha i think my classmate described it quite well on his fb LOL. 

it's not about not being able to sleep per se its the feeling of horror as the phone rings, of trying to put down the phone quickly so you can pick up the incoming call since you dont know what that call brings - desat? low bp? new case? of ending up being really snappish 'hypocount high? is patient on sliding scale?' 'er let me check' 'ok forget it ill just order actrapid bye' 'ok nvm forget it ill come bye' . i just dont like that feeling of fear & not knowing what's going to happen in the next five minutes - will A&E bomb us with cases?? will my patient desat without me knowing it?? will the fbc i just ordered have a super low hb necessitating to call bts mo, but i didnt check and before i knew it the mo checked and called and i feel so lousy that i didnt pick it up faster. (all true stories). 

but i dont think calls are meant to be slow and calm affairs where we get all our patients' ducks in a row. although some of mine luckily have been, thank God. for those that arent & for the fears that i dont even have time to have (like who has the mental energy to worry about where i will be working as an mo next yr this time and in what capacity when i dont even know how this night is going to end), for all that.... this really is the best medicine:

28th October 2014: Love is Never out of Date

So faith, hope, love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. 1 Cor 13:13

on that day, may i not be agitating to rush through the narrow door of human achievement, for my own glory. may i somehow have found, by then, the way to love my patients/ the nurses who keep calling at night/ the families who keep wanting to be updated (btw i totally understand that they want & need an update, but its logistically impossible. i once stayed til 930pm updating every single family and multiple people in each family...the next morning i came and there was *** in the case sheets saying dr please update the third son of the family he wants update. didn't know whether to cry or laugh.). five years ago i came to this realization that no matter how narrow are these man-made doors, it doesnt matter if you dont squeeze through the last and final door. and five yrs on, i still am here again, looking for God to open a window, but still acutely aware of this:

Help us Lord, to be mindful of your words: 
`Enter by the narrow gate; for the gate is wide, 
and the way is easy, that leads to destruction, 
and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is
narrow, and the way is hard that leads to life, 
and those who find it are few' (Mt 7:13-14)!

& whichever way it goes, i'll know that between faith, hope & love, the greatest of those is love

Monday, September 15, 2014

shine

pretty mv. space imagery is totally my thing.

shine - j min
The yellow sunlight suddenly becomes the clouds
I put out my hand to send off my heart

If I clash against the wind and stop
No, you will protect me

When I get tired and fall asleep, even in my dreams
I become a bridge of stars in the dark sky
To go to you, my way

if you want - j min
You probably thought I’d tell you that everything will be OK
But sometimes, I want to give you the ability to acknowledge sadness as well

If you want me to stay
Face the warm sunlight and close your eyes
We can find new ways
You can’t look at a higher place where you are right now

If you want to change one thing, think about it
The one thing that only you can do
We are dreaming the same dream under the big sky
The dream that you and I are looking at
If you want

One day, you said
That you wanted to dream the biggest dream
Remember that day
If you want
If you want
If you want

I’ll tell you now that everything will be OK
Go toward the high place



from when & until when/ fantastic

the thought of this leave & doing what i love for three days, an oasis in the middle of daily drudgery & sianness (only punctuated by awesome team members who respond to whatsapp msges of AHH I HAVENT FINISHED super quickly and help u see ica pts u haven't seen yet, who flood you with do you need any help?? msges post call coz we all know what sgh dim calls are like. who go out for lunches post wkend rounding & who give you cookies randomly haha)

this thought has sustained me through the past week where i found myself developing psychomotor slowing - where i once could whip through discharges & blue letters like a jet speedboat. 

but now im actually at it.... there is no timeee to finish. the irony. sigh. 

LET'S DO THIS. CMON CMON. 

& i love this song

If We're Honest"

Truth is harder than a lie
The dark seems safer than the light
And everyone has a heart that loves to hide
I'm a mess and so are you
We've built walls nobody can get through
Yeah, it may be hard, but the best thing we could ever do, ever do

[Chorus:]
Bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine
'Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy's waiting on the other side
If we're honest
If we're honest

Don't pretend to be something that you're not
Living life afraid of getting caught
There is freedom found when we lay 
our secrets down at the cross, at the cross

[Chorus]

It would change our lives
It would set us free
It's what we need to be

Sunday, September 14, 2014

angels brought me here



hanbyul of led apple's voice is so beautiful. this isn't the best cover he did, his bruno mars ones are pure awesomeness. but i like the lyrics of this song :)

angels brought me here - guy sebastian
It's been a long and winding journey, but i'm finally here tonight
Picking up the pieces, and walking back into the light
Into the sunset of your glory, where my heart and future lies

My dreams came true, when i found you
I found you, my miracle... 
If you could see, what i see, that you're the answer to my prayers
You would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here...

~
its a sunday morning, beginning of my leave. which as usual, isn't really leave, but more of clearing 101 things. i don't mind that much really since half of it is things i love, but the other half, admin stuffs, logbook grrrr

apart from research, clearing annoying admin stuffs and backlog of aic things, i want to also go and have brunch at least once! and maybe buy some books. and get a credit card finally. and shop! haha. and maybe go gym at least once.

so ambitious yo.

thinking about life, the choices we make, the people we meet, always makes me feel v blessed about the paths i have taken, many times not of my own volition but life circumstances and God's hand. really so true that many times we childishly want things our way but God knows better and the subsequent unfolding of events is so much better than we could have imagined (and it also usually unfolds in a way we could never have imagined hahah). so there's no need to cling on to our preconceived ideas of how everything should happen.

even though i keep going back to those pivotal turning points in my life, its so funny that at that time, it's like SO ANGST but now looking back on it, everytime things get a little bit hard, it gives me so much comfort: hello He got me through that & worked so much miracles, surely he can get me through this! it's kind of unexpectedly subverting expectations coz angst causing stuff ends up being something inspiring & comforting hahah. it is super motivating though. one weekend i was roaming unefficiently through hospital corridors and i realised what date it was and i was like wow ok, i HAVE come far from then.

on a random note, i am really grateful for _. although i dont actually know what will happen, or if it's right, or whether one needs crazy insane love in life to be happy or what. i dont know. but its somehow very very reassuring, and makes me think of thankfulness. it makes me think that after what i botched up,or time botched up, or what was just never meant to be yrs ago - yeah probably that, some things just cant be forced even though it seems like theoretically it coulda be right, with a little stretch of the imagination... that i need to do the Right Thing, whatever it is, this time. and i guess the right thing is trust in God & time. its not really crazy self destructive love the kind you know is all wrong and makes you sad & angry & self-recriminating and where you marinate in a combination of hate/misunderstandings/ feel stuck in a circle of neverending negative emotions, no its totally different. that's probably a good start. haha. its something very quiet and on the same wavelength, waves lapping at a small beach at night. its like those underwater poems i used to write, the ones with aquamarine imagery, not the ones where the sharks eat you. honestly i dont know what's right but these days i can say i have grown up and at least i dont boast abt the things i did -wrong- (trust me i dont know why i did that. i guess i wasnt on the MOST even keel then. and maybe i thought it was some proof of being a special snowcake, to be quirky and to be confused. for the record, its not. some proof of loved and being loved maybe just all at the wrong times by and for the wrong people)

maybe one day i'll find what's the right thing

for now, LOGBOOK

oh and back to the original premise - although i am no longer going to apply for a certain place due to a variety of reasons - one of my friends there once told me, and it stuck with me, that he got in because the angels got him in. that always stayed in my mind. one yr ago i made the decision that that place is not a place where angels really go that often, and that realization still stands even today. i respect the people who have gone there who try nevertheless. i just couldn't, in the end, do it. the common thread of my life is clear - i don't know what's going to happen in this area of my life too LOL. but i just want to be able to say with compunction, whereever i finally get to, to whoever who asks, be it random passersby or wideeyed med students "the angels got me in".

Saturday, September 13, 2014

3rd/ 4th call

3rd call was normal DIM call. 19 adms! clerked like the wind, had an amazing med student who saved me too. thanks v!! really so appreciated. i really like the med students v & c they are so cute haha. and c always gives me this feeling of moral support somehow. awesome people. i dont think i ever was quuite that helpful to my HOs last time lol. what i like abt sgh is the team system. you really form a bond with the people you work with. teamwork ftw! it was a weekend call so super tired, but eventually managed to sleep 2 hrs!! amazing. i think the hosp filled up really fast clerking in the daytime. bloods were good too yay!

4th call was haem/ onc. only 6 adms!! but each quite complicated. i liked how my mo let me finish clerking and then reviewed after, coz then i could take my time to think thru and then go back and later see what changes he made. bloods were ugh but on the bright side i learnt how to take blood from a port! really grateful to the nurse who walked me thru it slowly coz i was really quite scared/ apprehensive. i would probably have rolled up my sleeves and got it done but its really 100% better if someone who actually knows how to does it step by step with me. didnt sleep at all this call due to all the passives & generally sicker pts but felt accomplished at the end! pts generally had more complicated past medical hx and presenting complaints so more fun to clerk (as opposed to htn dm high lipids comes in for fall/ giddiness ie typical dim adm haha).

Saturday, September 6, 2014

call inspiration



nichole nordeman - sunrise
Every valley, every bitter chill
Made me ready to climb back
Up the hill and find that

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?


You're my horizon
You're the light of a new dawn
So thank you, thank you
That after the long night, you are sunrise


There's a moment when faith caves in
There's a time when every soul is certain
God is gone

But every shadow is evidence of sun
And every tomorrow holds out hope for us
For every one of us
~
doesn't every ho long for the sunrise. well specifically for 730am when the primary team comes. coz sometimes in sgh one can have 7 admissions at 630am. yeah. 
~
ten avenue north - by your side
Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child?
Tell me where will you run, to where will you run?
'Cos I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call

And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

~
yup those 6am blood cultures where you pray to get the abg successfully so you can faster go and round. for the record my abg-ing record is awesome and ive done like plenty of 630am bld cultures successfully LOL :) thank God for sgh nurses who can do all other blds/ set plugs.

love alone is worth the fight


as the sermon on cheesecake last week aptly put it, the funny thing about happiness is that chasing it is like a cat chasing it's own tail. the more you chase after it, the less likely you are to find it. if you just barrel ahead to find it, that's... hedonism

all my dark tea-times of the soul somehow have always ended up with me marvelling at how much better this way was.

after working for nearly five months, i'm appropriately jaded and can't really be bothered. but i also know that my whole life, it's after i've totally given up, after my lungs have been burnt from running marathons, thats when the miracles occur.
i'm gonna believe in God, i mean he did come through the last 1000s of times as well, and i would say i didnt deserve it probably about 99.9% of the time. i probably deserved some of it, like the really nice waffles & company last weekend, or the pancakes last last weekend. haha. and i did have this very strong compunction on results day when i said that i never get anything the first time anyway (yeah i know right, im more than used to it. pwahaha). somehow i just felt that it's gonna be okay. the kind of thing no one will understand unless they've lived your life; the peace in your heart, the feeling when everytime after yet another miracle occurs you're like "i should have known and believed!! how could i not have believed!" 

and yeah, i don't know when he's gonna come through, nor how specifically. i just know it's going to be good. 

between now &then, i could probably work on being a good human being, a good doctor, and mundane things like actually filling up my residency app, just on the off chance he's gonna come through this time. who knows. here we go. 


weekend musings