About Me

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

when love comes



here we go :)

a gleam of light

29th October 2014: A Gleam of Light

The Lord said to Paul one night in a vision, `Do not be afraid, but speak and do not be silent; for I am with you, and no man shall attack you to harm you; for I have many people in this city'. Acts 18:9-10
Paul was facing opposition yet again in his mission to spread the gospel in the heathen, worldy city of Corinth. Despite the presence of Silas and Timothy, Priscilla and Aquila, he must have felt lonely and threatened and, finding the Jews unreceptive and hostile must have wondered it is was all worthwhile.
Moving from job to job every six months, it is easy for us to get a martyr complex and keep a low Christian profile because we feel lonely, threatened and disheartened. It has certainly been my experience that every time I have timidly put my head above the barricade and witnessed for my Lord, as well as getting `sniped at', as Paul regularly was in Corinth, I have also made the acquaintance of other Christians. We are all so busy that we rarely chat about anything except our work and the most trivial superficialities. So we may not get to know other Christians until we are about to move on. Perhaps God means to form a fellowship of witnessing Christians in the palace where we work. Paul was encouraged to go on, not only with his secular work (v3), but with his missionary ministry, taking every opportunity of witness that God gave him rather than shrinking into anonymity.
Let us then be bold for God, remembering that Jesus promised, `everyone who acknowledges me before men, I also will acknowledge before my Father who is in heaven' (Mt 10:32), following this with a blunt warning that the converse is also true (v33). 

~
:) reminds me of the cmg people that have been popping up everywhere. reccently my junrs are doing their SIP too! i see them everyday in the same ward haha. so glad to have them around!

today clare asked me what will i do if dont get it. i told her i will try 3 times and then accept it if that is God's will. that from what i can see, honestly the more experience you have the better doctor you are. i used to think that was just lip service by people trying to sound consoling but it really is true! she was like.... THREE TIMES?! lol

one year ago i would have been filled with fear about the future. honestly right now if you asked me btw residency interview, my last DIM call and starting GS, GS would be top of the list HAHA. what i didnt tell her in our 5 minute conversation in the lift on the way to our respective exits is that i believe strongly in the concept of five loaves and two fishes. ive been googling this 5 loaves thing & it's actually very cool.  its not really just the usual oh i am inadequate and God saves me story, as i had previously been using it to inspire myself. like. God will multiply my loaves!! i have no reason to worry! well true, but it's more than just that. it's the story of when you surrender your gifts, however meagre, to God, that he can use them to work miracles. 



Saturday, October 25, 2014

bookendings

to summarise
1) i was wrong & whatever it was, it was genuine. really thankful for that. faith in humanity restored. it was too saccharine for me though oh definitely.

2) that was really a good bookending

3) most of the time you only realise how awesome something is when you lose it. and usually once you lose it, you can't backspace anymore. but if you dont lose it, you'll never know what you had. tis the second time this has happened. both times are so different, but both equally awesome. it's so funny how it's the losing that causes the realization. human psyche yo.

4) no matter what, i think God is saying No. it was quite a loud no too. just that i got a bit upset about the thing about humanity so He decided to pass me some chocolate. it was much appreciated.

5) everything always balances out

6) i didnt do anything wrong this time! for once i'm innocent! hahah.

7) guess i really wanted, in the end, to know the answer. its just really frustrating not knowing what i wanted, or God wanted. and now i know. even though the answer may or may not be what one wants to hear sometimes, and even though the journey may or may not compensate for the answers, an answer is an answer. so we'll just stick with that, & keep on going. i'm sure as life rolls on, we'll look back & we'll understand one dayas to why God put us in each others lives. :)

thoughts

1) God really does work miracles, usually at the moment when we least expect them. awesome miracles & lots of chocolate. i will never forget this. No actually, i always forget, so then he sends someone with lots of chocolate.
2) I was wondering what's the reason for this all - now I know
3) Humans are not dependable, by nature of being... human. I also am human and not very dependable. Happiness is not found just in cheesecake, or in eggs benedict or brunch. Happiness is when you are having cheesecake/ brunch with people you love, with extremely hard-earned money from calls and general slavery. Happiness is realizing that your best birthday gift is God-given, when randomly inefficiently walking around in the hospital corridors. Sometimes being a doctor really does feel mostly like slavery. Like at night when you just cant run from patient to patient fast enough. Or you technically can do the physical running because God had the foresight to train you in long distance running, but if you jump from patient to patient, something gets compromised, so you need to settle things before moving on. And it definitely isn't a glamorous job at all (sighhh thanks grays anatomy...). And sometimes the ward clerk tells you "doctor i need the computer can you go sit in the corner". But happiness comes from seeing your patient high five you as he goes home, from the grateful relatives thanking you (when the pt aored....) profusely and the mo tells you "wow the way they thanked you! you are a good doctor". Happiness comes from being able to sleep soundly at night (on a normal day, not call day) knowing that no stone was left unturned, no blood test was left unordered and nothing was left un-handed over. Happiness is flipping the pages of fenichel and promising God to try my best. Dear God, thank you for the gift of medicine. And most of all, thank you that I am a better doctor than I thought I would be (that said, i didnt exactly have high expectations.). Sometimes, I am worse than I thought I would be, usually at 2am, or when rushing. Sometimes I just don't know. Thank you for forgiving me for those times and sending people to listen to my angst in those times, and to teach me what IS the right thing to do. When time differences, or just differences, make it impossible for me to depend on others, or maybe just when you feel that i shouldnt depend on others, thank you for being there for me. Somehow I find that when I find the strength in you, rather than lean on other humanbeings for help, everything gets solved faster & so much better. Maybe all this is you trying to tell me to try your helpline first, instead of after all my options are exhausted.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

time & fallen leaves

in these moments of indecision, sometimes the world decides for you. its funny how sometimes the most random and small wishes get granted, like something so prosaic finally yielding poetry. it had bugged me that i couldnt produce any poetry for the longest time. as to how good or bad the poetry actually is, that's for the test of time

i dont think anyone owes anyone else anything. not even sincerity. i'm no saint, but i think that it's fine to do the wrong thing as long as you meant right, and never fine to do the right thing with the wrong intentions. whatever the intentions may have been. & if one thinks the contrary, then so be it. it honestly makes me feel nauseated at the thought of the genuine human kindness actually not being,  i've definitely been spoilt by all the people who have walked in & out of my life & been, well, not perfect, but enduringly genuine. the thing is that this isn't about love, it never was, i'm just genuinely disgusted at what i thought was true human kindness actually not being. i'm not sure what it is to be honest, and i dont think i actually care to know. 

(spoiler)

epik high - spoiler/ happy ending
Your cold eyes and words are the spoiler
In your every action, I see our end
I tell myself it’s not true but I feel the spoiler
Should I watch till the end? Or should I leave now?
What if there’s a twist?
What are you thinking? Only after I ask twice, you look at me
Once again, you give me an answer that’s not really an answer
Maybe it’s gonna rain tomorrow
You look out the window again
These days, I see a lot of your side profile
You let out a sigh and I freeze up in the overflowing silence
Thinking bad things that I shouldn’t be thinking
I know
My intuitions are dangerous
My sensitiveness is really bad
I know why
Your mysterious sighs keep increasing
Your fleeting heart is leaving with each sigh
For some reason
Life got busier than before
Days when we contact each other less, conversations we forcefully have
Words that are written and erased
These are all a foreshadowing
It’s all a cliché
These scenes are so typical, as if I’ve seen them hundreds of times
Your cold eyes and words are the spoiler
In your every action, I see our end
I tell myself it’s not true but I feel the spoiler
Should I watch till the end? Or should I leave now?
What if there’s a twist?
I can’t let you go.
I can hear it loudly, even words that aren’t said
I tried to pretend otherwise but I already know
This damn feeling that suffocates my breath more and more
Maybe I trapped you inside my useless fantasy
Maybe you tried out a role for me that didn’t really fit
Even when I told you I loved you out of habit, I was always thinking about something else
The lines and facial expressions didn’t match, the subtitles are off
I wanted a movie-like love but is this my punishment?
I ask about your heart but your answer is always open-ended
Yeah, we were always having twists on top of twists
A repetition of suffocating scenes
Worse than the hot hell is this cooled down emotional purgatory
I see the end
I can’t turn off the projector of imagination
When I black out, that’s when I can at least breathe
Just cut me out or kill me out
I don’t care about a happy ending
Don’t let me fade
out
Maybe you and I were playing a crazy game of charades
With the ending already decided from the first frame
Maybe you and I were already headed toward the end from the first scene
What’s the use of telling you?
I won’t beg for being comforted
I hate selling my emotions
I’m stingy with happiness
Don’t ask me if I’m alright
What I want is the indifference that resembles me
The whole world is acting so damn dramatic
There’s no use in keeping track of love, it’s just instinct
It’s funny, what separates humans from beasts
What turns humans into beasts
It’s different this time
I deceive myself every time
But without fail
Like always
It will come to an end
Am I really in love?
Or am I dating to break up?
Once again, it comes to me
An easy ending
If only things were as clear as the alcohol in my glass
There would’ve been just a slight hangover
You’re taking another sip already
Who knows the reason, just do whatever you want
Treat people you like the opposite of how you feel
For you, who lives such a lonely life
No, for me
I hope things go well
From hello to goodbye 1
Ending things with the same word as the beginning
There’s a reason to it all
literally epic!! the lyrics are so poetic

Saturday, October 18, 2014

are we all lost stars tryin to light up the dark

things i learnt from the past week
1.
'nuff said. humans, no matter how awesome, won't be there all the time. sometimes there are time differences. 
2. gymming is actually essential to my sanity. not just for vanity's sake, for actual mental stability. i think i'm literally addicted to it & if i dont get the endorphins, i get really really depressed. or there could have been a multitude of other reasons for it, but. 

3. i think being genuine is the most important thing in life. you can be kind to as many or as few people as you like, as long as you are genuine about it. i understand that friendships & human connections may or may not be forever, but even for those friendships whose ships have sailed the harbor, there are those moments that are worth remembering forever. and if you aren't going to be genuine about it, i suggest there are some things, that you just don't do. i understand that no-one owes us anything, least of all consistency or logic, but i mean, there are just some lines that shouldn't be blurred. i guess maybe sometimes we can't help blurring lines, its human to not always color within the lines or follow the instructions to stand behind the yellow line. the reason for this, i'll understand one day. the rhyme - i've written it. as d says, i didnt want it anyway, so there's no point thinkin' bout it. i just wanted to say that i feel a little sad that there's out there a wisp of human connection that doesn't mean anything to either of the humans involved, that wasn't meant to have happened if the humans had just listened to God's soft prompting, won't be remembered for years to come, and was borne out of insincerity and just a general throw of soft cotton candy in a very general direction. and for the time spent wondering how to spin this cotton candy in a way that's pleasing to God, because the last time i sure didn't handle it the right way, i dont really regret it, cos at least i know i didn't do anything wrong this time. and the carousel spins on & i've learnt to listen to God when he says no. 

Thursday, October 16, 2014

to have what it takes

18th October 2014: To Have what it Takes

It is by grace you have been saved through faith -- and this not of yourselves, it is the gift of God. Ephesians 2:8 (NIV)
It is 3am and your `bleep' has gone off for the second time in half and hour. You could weep with fatigue, frustration and misery. The human frame is just not designed to cope with the circumstances of a junior hospital doctor. As you mechanically carry out the required task, longing for your bed and sleep, you wonder how you are supposed to survive -- as a person, as a member of a family, and as a Christian.
At times like this, we need to let the living and active word of God speak to our hearts, as it is given to do. This verse can help us. Our salvation does not depend one fraction of 1% on ourselves. It is totally, 100%, the work of God. Planned in eternity by the Father, accomplished completely on the Cross by the Son, who as our representative and substitute died bearing the just punishment for our sins, it is applied to our hearts by the Holy Spirit. Even the faith we exercise is the gift of God; we cannot produce it for ourselves.
So when our spiritual survival seems at stake because we are too tired to pray, too busy to study the scriptures, and too tied to the hospital to attend church meetings and worship, it is good to be reminded that we are saved by grace. Temporary interruptions in our co-operation in God's sanctifying work makes no difference to our justification. That is his work alone, and Christ has done it all for us. A man as well as God, he understands our fatigue and frustration, and says, `My grace is sufficient for you' (2 Cor 12:9). So in the midst of physical and mental exhaustion, let us rest in him and his never failing promises.
~

not sure where this person works haha coz my phone goes off like 30 times in 30 mins. but anyway. this sure speaks to me "you could weep with fatigue, frustration and misery". oh yeah. post call, running thru the decisions you made, realising all the wrong decisions that have been already carried out. 

i dont know if the hardest thing is living this life itself with all its responsibilities i cant fulfil, or the inability to be a good & kind person in the middle of all this inability to fulfil these responsibilities. like not feeling like teaching the medical students, or helping anyone or bothering to be nice to the nurses (luckily the 73 nurses are super nice and friendly anyways. and the ward clerk is always so friendly and chatty hahaha. one ward clerk once told me 'doctor please go and sit in the corner" such encouraging words). honestly if i were a fantastic Christian i would tirelessly help all my teammates, teach all the medical students, and be a paragon of good cheer and such. but this week, i'm not. i can't bring myself to be. sorry, i'm human and i just can't. maybe next week, maybe next month, some other time. and so i know i'm no saint & i'm not even a very good doctor or human being.

about _______, i dont think it was meant to be, somehow. its not just about timing, or circumstances, or people. it just literally wasnt meant to be. sometimes people walk into our lives for a reason, and sometimes not at all. like for instance, j is someone who had a huge impact on my life. for starters just being an awesome friend & buddy, and later being intrinsically linked with the greatest miracle of my life. i mean everytime i think back on the pivoting event, i always always go back to that day & somehow, after that, everything somehow fell into place. i mean techically if not for those specific turns of events, who would know what life would have turned out like? and c - he's quite right that its so nice to see a familiar friendly face around, now we're in the same block daily so its quite awesome too.

i dont know, ive just been thinking lately about missed boats. sometimes you untie the anchors from the port  & wave goodbye and sometimes the ships just sink so dramatically in typhoons. maybe the hurricane is from a few continents away and is totally unrelated but coz of the butterfly effect. its both related and totally unrelated. i wouldnt get too hung up on it coz its not something i wanted like SUPER ALOT, but it just feels weird, yknow? i mean, not that weird feelings are the MOST IMPT thing right now. sleep is honestly the most impt thing right now. and not that this kinda thing doesnt happen to me all the time. i've had my fair share of these things (thanks for all the fish guys), im pretty much immune to it LOL. i guess its just that i wish that human nature sometimes showed itself more... linearly in a fashion that one can predict? & that said i'm honestly not good at reading people at all. i think i tend to over-think and over-angst, specially when i'm angsty, which i totally am now. that's the thing about all these random hurricanes.

anyway, enough of the obtuseness. really grateful for the random sparks of brightness in my life. a whatsapping me about random cms things helping me to feel vaguely connected to God (and connecting me virtually to God via the cmg email group - yes however tangentially, it really helps!!), my patients relative (an anesthetist) who told me i was thorough. i am slightly sorry to say that since i spent today, the whole wk really in a fuzz going round & round in my mind about how inadequate, irresponsible and lousy i am, i let out a very surprised chuckle/chortle when she said that LOL but thank you Dr, you really really were the brightest spark of encouragement in my whole week (and mind you all i did is open up the computer system and follow her instructions exactly as she told me, hahaah), c for listening to my angst, j for the random cheering up in the ortho wards haha and for giving me the clr reg's number the other day. my mos who respond to my whatsapps very fast and save me, my old mos who i feel totally warm and fuzzy when i meet them along the corridors. they really are such awesome & genuine people.

if i survive tmr and get out alive, i would like next week to be better. both in terms of work, and being a better person. hah i wish. 

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

forgiven

postcall usually i fall asleep the moment i reach home & get up the next day to round like an energizer bunny. yesterday for the first time i couldnt fall asleep postcall. just kept going round & round in my head what i had done & failed to do.

usually i take great pride in going the extra length for a patient. fighting everyday for my patient with chronic hypotension to get dialysis, personally going down with the patient to make sure the dialysis actually HAPPENS, even though i'm post call. id managed to pull off great feats of organization with patients just a couple of days before. the typical DIM having to refer 101 people. but suddenly, my extra effort backfired spectacularly. suddenly, every time i even thought of making the extra effort for a patient, my mind would think of how this can possibly backfire on me. and id just not be bothered.

normally, i love to teach med students. sure, i dont know a whole lot, but definitely i can teach them enough to help them with their mbbs. today, i just ignored my med student completely and checked and rechecked every single thing about my 4 patients. its ok. after yesterday, my med student probably thinks im a doofus. he went to join some other ho. LOL. i would too, i understand.

going to work today was really difficult. i dont know how i woke up. walked in the door of the ward & googled laudate. that's really such an awesome way to start the day. i remember i had the most initially boring and painful AH geri posting. not only was i not interested in the subject matter, i just felt so depressed going there daily. to make it worse, our con was one of those legendary scary cons, and i was alone in a team and h and c were in another team. it got so depressing i got in the habit of saying the liturgy of the hrs in the mornings, walking that depressing corridor at 7am everyday. by the end of the posting i really loved all my pts, was presenting all the pts (coz the mos changed all the time) and the scary con was no longer scary at all.

halfway thru the day, a msges me to lament abt the general lack of spiritual life nowadays as a ho (tell me about it). i ask her to add me to the catholic drs guild emailing list.... and 5 mins later i realize that one of my mos on a call a few calls ago is like the person running the emailing list. LOL. talk about God being there all the time, cept i didn't know it. no wonder that was such a good call. hahah. one of those haem calls where you get to sleep 2-3hrs. him thwacking me on the shoulder as we queued up for drinks at bengawan felt a bit like God thwacking me on the shoulder telling me not to be an idiot and he's actually there. message of the day ehh.



this song says it best
"Forgiven"

Well, the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I’m reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just won't let me forget

In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
'Cause I’m forgiven

My mistakes are running through my mind
And I’ll relive my days in the middle of the night
When I struggle with my pain, wrestle with my pride.
Sometimes I feel alone and I cry.


And in this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

Well, I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
'Cause I’m forgiven


When I don't fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ

Monday, October 13, 2014

this sums up today well

"When you stand before God, and you know and he knows, you have nothing to offer, and He still loves you the same, it really makes you more grateful

"You have listened to fears, child,” said Aslan. “Come, let me breathe on you. Forget them. Are you brave again?"

— C.S. Lewis, Prince Caspian and humble."





hold on

how do i best say this?

i feel lucky to have a God who loves us at our lowest points. that every time i'm in a stairwell, he comes & saves me and bears me out of it. he shoots me out of my stairwells with rockets. yeah sometimes i see stars too & sometimes it hurts but. in the end he still saves. 

firstly & most importantly, everything has to stabilize. secondly but also importantly, i'm going to make sure that this scattershot approach, this lack of knowledge, it stops right here. i'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that i fill up all my gaps of knowledge and my inabilities until it's overflowing. i can't & i wont stand for this. it's a tough lesson to learn but it has been learnt. 

Monday, October 6, 2014

the space between



such a mellow and lovely song

just wanted to say that when running a usual marathon, sometimes yeah there is 100pluses and bananas. but sometimes there isn't either. you start to wonder why you signed up for this marathon, why you didnt train harder. and coz there isnt anyone around you that you know, you start to be your own cheerleader and think of what nasi lemak you're going to have after this run finishes. or you start having mini-races with the people next to you. or philosophizing about life.

the funny thing about life is that it is UNLIKE a marathon. in real life, God always saves you just as you think you can't go on anymore. he always appears & miraculously saves you from yourself. (assuming you were generally going in the direction he was leading you in... but even then, half the time, you were running off in some other confused direction. but he saves you anyway). i dont purpose to know WHY he does this, nor to say that i deserve it. but i happen to know that its when one most needs the miracle most desperately, that He comes through. & i happen to believe in this 100%.

and wouldn't you believe it, the theme of today's doctor's life support is:

6th October 2014: Nothing Impossible

Nothing is impossible with God. Luke 1:37 (NIV)
There are many things we cannot alter, much as we should like to. We say: `If only I could, I would'. What could be better, then, than a faith that makes all things possible for us? But we have already made as subtle but serious shift from a biblical principle. The Christian's God is indeed one with whom `nothing is impossible', but this is quite different from saying that God will do anything: `If I cannot, God will'. This is convenient but not scriptural.
This formula, used as a type of incantation, is bound to fail. Experience and commonsense demonstrate it to be false. This is not surprising because Scripture tells us that there are some things that even God cannot do. He cannot belie his nature. The context of the verse is important. In the instance quoted it is the promise of the virgin birth of Jesus, the very incarnation of God himself. With God the utterly impossible actually happened. On another occasion Jesus made the same statement regarding the possibility of a rich man entering God's kingdom (Mt 19:23-26). In yet another Paul is asserting that when God promises something he is able to perform it (Rom 4:21). We see therefore that to impose the necessary strict conditions on the application of this promise in no way limits its stupendous and miraculous possibilities.
All that is consonant with God's nature is possible, all that is true, holy and righteous. More than that, all that is in line with his will no one and nothing can ultimately frustrate. This has been the challenge and the comfort of God's children throughout history. God's dependability is guaranteed to those who depend on him. `They who trust him wholly find him wholly true' F R Havergal).
This is the great principle proved in practice by those whose belief and trust is real. Such usually have more than their share of troubles, for God saves us in rather than from our circumstances, while faith remains undimmed and trust in him grows, `Depend upon it, God's work, done in God's way, will never lack God's supplies' (Hudson Taylor).
For every promise of God is sure to be fulfilled.
Lk 1:37 (JBP)

all you ever wanted

its a holiday!!! spending today doing absolutely NOTHING feels awesome.

2 mths of DIM have come & gone. sip really prepared me well for work & the team atmosphere i felt in sgh as an sip student is really true. whatever i do in the future, i picked well for my ho yr :) i have had possibly the nicest set of mos EVER. (z, zy and ny) and the good fortune to have a superb sip student for the week i had 12 pts all to myself. i realised one's efficiency varies according to how many patients one has. when you have 12 pts, somehow you just become super efficient & everything gets done. and my fellow hos are so awesome too. the extremely fast response to sos-es haha.

one more month before we all converge on gs. i hope i survive that. omg.

anyway, managed to submit my residency app just on time. truly an exercise in trusting God, waiting on all my referees to submit their referrals haha. the last minute joy when the last sms from one of my tutors (and heroes) came in with a smiley face no less. relief +++