About Me

Thursday, November 27, 2014

this is just to say

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold
haha no this is actually what i want to say:
funny how, when everything comes round full circle, i can see you at the light at the end of the tunnel

i dont think the timing was right then. there are so many things that had to happen between now & then. i don't think i was very mature then, or a very good person. this is paradoxical but yesterday half of me was thinking that as usual it's not going to work out and half of me just knew that this is it



its cliche but whatever it is, thank you for seeing the good in me when i couldn't see the good in myself. people have come & gone but yesterday, i realized, that the one person who was genuine out of so many was you. sensitivity and specificity. if God is willing, may the right timing meet us one day. til then, here's to lots of random run ins as always until finally one day the puzzle pieces click into place

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

stop saying its alright

beautiful song lyrics. i'm loving holiday period :) as in the holiday season for the rest of the world. coz that means hardly any elective surgeries. haha

~
I wanted to run into you at least once
I hope fate will bring you to me just once

Tell me why, I still stop in place when I see someone’s back that resembles you
please tell me why, you come to me on the path that became a memory
My memories and feelings are frozen to that time
Tell me why, why are the words “time is medicine” not right for me?
please me why, I’m still walking on the path that became a memory

~

Turning around is the right thing to do
Breaking up was the right thing to do
I think and think about it again
I try to tell myself and comfort myself

I hope I forget you quickly
As if nothing ever happened
You pace back and forth in my eyes
Then you disappear
The image of you quickly turning around
I still can’t forget that either

~

There is rust in my heart
Forget me, pretend that I don’t exist, I really hate you now
You know this too, it’s over for us, let’s end it now
I’m not worried if you’ll be okay, I’m going to struggle with you
Even if you look back, nothing will change, please forget me now

~

The times I looked forward to, everything I dreamed of
Where did it all begin? Where am I standing right now?

I hear the sound of my breath from rapidly running here
The memories inside of me are scattering away with the wind

In the endlessly spread world are my dreams and my small hopes
Like a child’s dream that freely flies, I want to fly into my world
I hear the wind blowing as if it’s far, as if it’s near
Everything that is coming toward me is newly flying over to me

Times I was left alone at the end of despair
When I felt I couldn’t do it, that wasn’t the end
This is the beginning
I’ll fly again into the newly spread time

Saturday, November 22, 2014

erase/ flying, deep in the night

have a lot to say about being a ho in surgery. but i dont know if i should. suffice it to say that it is v exciting and fun and i am learning a lot. i couldnt ever have imagined surviving this but i've survived 2 weeks so far and 2.5 mths more to go. it's a lot of learning on the ground actually as things we only saw in slideshows suddenly pop up on our laptops when we arrive at work in the morning or arrive in the form of phone calls from radiologists about patients we sometimes havent ever seen in our lives, or have been  saying hi to everyday. the first time i offed a drain or cvp i was really terrified. but now i off drains and cvps daily. it's nice getting to tell patients when they ask how long ive been working (half a year?) hahaha the longer the answer the usually the happier they are. luckily no patients asked me on my first day of work if it was my first day. i think its cos most of my patients on the first day were less than 1 yr so mostly preverbal beyond "mama papa" LOL

my fellow hos are really so awesome. and k in particular is AMAZING. i cannot describe his efficiency and general competency as a doctor, it's jawdropping. i'm literally levelling up just being on the same team haha. and m is the sweetest and nicest person ever. thank God for good teammates. me? i just enjoy the times when i can sit down and explain things to patients cos everyday we run in and out of rooms. i really enjoy the part of medicine that involves being (sincerely) nice to people. is that even officially part of medicine? haha. i really dislike the part when i find myself snapping at people, or engaged in logical loophole discussing over the phone. i really like the parts when i orchestrate complicated things involving many specialties and it all gets sorted out. or when good teamwork ensures we call people quickly and get CT scans in a matter of a few hours. like when i call the radiologist as k orders the CTAP. or dinner and then clerk 4 elective patients and gxm them. efficiency max!

its sometimes very scary, the amount of power and responsibility that can potentially fall into one's hands. its definitely not power or resp that i actually want. but circumstances sometimes just do. there's nothing for it but to simply focus all your energies into it and do whatever you can. so that in the end you can feel like you tried everything. the other day we went for like a 5 mins coffee and got well 'caught' by my boss. whom i happen to respect a GREAT deal. i felt so crushed that i had let him down by sort of slacking off (welll we all needed to be caffineated stat. its just that the timing and circumstances were a bit off. lol) that i literally begged the radiologists and got the relevant scans arranged. and also apologised profusely to the gastro dr when things got delayed later despite my best efforts. somehow it all got done. NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY IN MY LIFE. thank goodness we drank coffee that day, somehow. haha. anyway the moral of the story (to me at least) is that one shld go to the greatests lengths possible to do what one can. anyway its not like we're doing the actual surgery, just going around begging for scans and facilitating things. not really rocket science. just really exhausting.

okay enough of rambling. off to gym :) i love weeekends

Thursday, November 20, 2014

1230

The sky seems so low, it seems like it’ll collapse at any time
You used to ask why I came so late, that you waited for me,
But now you’re frozen, colder than a stranger you run into by chance
Your bright smile (bright smile) your warm embrace (your face)
It feels like I can’t see it or touch it now, it scares me
Right now, we’re like the clock hands at 12:30
Our backs turned against each other, looking at different places, about to throw everything away
Right now, we’re like the clock hands at 12:30
We’re walking to a place that we can never return from
Time used to follow us but now it has stopped
Instead of an “us” it’s just “you” and “me”
Then I believe time will follow us once again, I believe that time will come
I’m letting you go right now, I’m letting you go and everything has stopped
But I believe the clock will move once again
~
after much thought, ive decided that no-one owes anyone anything. its true that some memories are sweeter than others

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

just a little bit

gs is so so tiring. but it's also kinda fun. grateful for the compatriots that have accompanied me along this journey the past 6mths + 2 weeks of gs so far hahah. the sense of camaraderie. i am actually of the firm conviction that no matter where or what one studied it is actually very dependent on the person's innate self/ personality/ sense of responsibility that makes one a good dr (apart from the basal requirements of knowledge and competencies of course haha). but for myself, i definitely feel much much more comfortable doing my rotations completely in places i've spent extensive time in as a student (obviously) & i KNOW i can be thoroughly awkward. so i'm really very grateful for all this.

even if most of the time esp these days in gs it tends to be a bit angst, it's not angst angst. there's a satisfaction in this. kinda. when you finally finish settling everything at 2pm and tick everything off your to-do list. when you somehow manage to clerk 3 elective cases all by yourself on a sunday. when you and your fellow ho start clerking 4 elective cases at 830pm post dinner and really manage to gxm them all and settle everything and cab back & collapse & sleep. it's fun. it really is :)

i promise not to be snarky when people call me (even if they call for things like how to read what my fellow ho wrote on his clerking sheet... uhh why not call him instead, how shld i know what he wants to do on call when i'm at home..?). i promise to go earlier to pre-round my pts. i just want to sit down and go thru my pts thoroughly and make sure no stone is left unturned. that nothing impt is being missed.

anyway. its been a nice 2 weeks. really respect my fellow hos a lot and hoping the next 2 weeks will be very chill LOL.
~

pretty lyrics from urban zakapa:

I let out a big breath
I couldn’t really hear what you just said
All of our moments, all of the scenes have gotten blurry again

I remember when you said
You didn’t hate me enough to break up
But you didn’t care enough to love me
You already brought your cold words one by one
And I have nothing really to say

In your smoothly flowing words, even the erased memories are being written again, as it becomes smaller
Maybe I feel sorry, maybe I want to run away right now
I’m just filled with resentment during the moment of farewell

I’m trying
But the thoughts in my head are scattering in this moment
In case I say something wrong

Because of my wrongdoings that gave you scars
We each have different memories
Maybe I feel sorry, maybe I want to run away right now
I’m just filled with resentment during the moment of farewell

~
It will gradually get better, the conclusion that I made alone
The day that scattered and disappeared like dust

The day I only let out sighs
I can’t stand it anymore
The season when someone came to me

The cold winter came to the tip of my nose first
Though I prayed that it would never come
My warm hands have now become colorless
I need to go somewhere once again

Hoping that there is a way, my hands stole my tears
The dizzy air makes me suffocate
I quietly close my eyes again and pray for tomorrow to come
The cold air brings winter to me once again

The air we shared together, the memories we shared together
The day that scattered and disappeared like dust

~
Just a little
My heart feels a bit frustrated
It just feels a bit cloudy
Just a little, just a little
I am resenting the world
If you need to leave, if you’re going
There’s nothing I can do but
Just a little
It just hurts a lot

You used to walk next to me
Back then, we walked without a word
I remember that
You used to smile so brightly that it scared me
I remember that so I’m a bit sad

I know that there’s nothing that can be done
That it’s even harder for you
I know everything
I know that it’s not just us two underneath this sky that dazzles so much that it angers me
That’s what makes me a bit sad
Just a little, just a little

It feels like tomorrow will not come
If you need to leave, if you’re going
I don’t think I can take it
But I will comfort myself and try
I will do that

Sunday, November 9, 2014

He Knows



"He Knows"

All the bitter weary ways
Endless striving day by day
You barely have the strength to pray
In the valley low

And how hard your fight has been
How deep the pain within
Wounds that no one else has seen
Hurts too much to show

All the doubt you're standing in between
And all the weight that brings you to your knees

[Chorus:]
He knows
He knows
Every hurt and every sting
He has walked the suffering
He knows
He knows
Let your burdens come undone
Lift your eyes up to the one
Who knows
He knows
He knows

We may faint and we may sink
Feel the pain and near the brink
But the dark begins to shrink
When you find the one who knows

The chains of doubt that held you in between
one by one are starting to break free

[Chorus]

Every time you feel forsaken
Every time that you feel alone
He is near to the brokenhearted
Every tear
He knows
He knows

first surg call

one week of surgery has passed

let's just say, active call is really... active haha. not as bad as DIM call where you get SPAMMED with calls but still gotta move really fast. my 6 mths of paeds+ IM has def prepared me better for this than if i did this right out of med sch. nevertheless, im not really of sufficient personality or intensity to do surg longterm (despite my initial ambitions to be a neurosurgeon in earlier life LOL). & i find myself analyzing the medical aspect of stuff more. but as with medical calls where there are certain set tips & tricks to common CTSP like chest pain, high hypocount, desat, surg usually its a good trick to NBM, iv roc/flagyl, iv losec, IV drip (with higher fluid requirements than in medical! i spent the whole call giving people 1-1.5L NS and then re-rounding with my mo or reg and upwarding my drip to 2-2.5L of premix... lol), and ordering CTAPs and OGDs for the next day. on the bright side i got all the bloods i needed to do really fast! guess 6 mths of work accounts for something huh.

glorious post-call bumming on a sunday now :)

(after only leaving at 5pm on a saturday...)

Saturday, November 1, 2014

all we'd ever need

1st November 2014: On God's Guidance

Trust in the Lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed. Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Psalm 37:3-4 (AV)
One of the most perplexing problems that Christians have to face is to know which way to go, which door to enter, which choice to make out of several possibilities.
It may concern the big decisions in life, personal or professional, such as marriage, or the next job, or the next exam, or it may be one of the more ordinary and humdrum routine matters. We want to do the right thing, and choose the right course... but how to find it -- that's the question.
Start with God. Commit your way honestly to him, and you can be absolutely certain that he will bring `it' to pass, whatever your 'it' may be.
Then, consider all the circumstance in the light of what you know about God -- his character, his supreme knowledge, his love and concern for you personally. Bring the possible choices to this touchstone. Our own desires and personal preferences may be helpful, or they can be positively misleading. Be open and honest.
Then, try to discover if there is any test in scripture, and passage or incident that throws light on the pathway.
Listen to experienced Christian friends, who can proffer helpful advice, if they are understanding and honest, and are not afraid to tell you the truth.
Then pray in words like these --
O my God, I gladly confess that you know everything, and that you
have a plan for me and my life. I now deliberately ask for your
guidance in respect of... I honestly want to do your will, and I
acknowledge that your will for me is best and is what I ought to
do. Help me to choose, for your sake and the sake of others.
And when later on you look back on the increasingly numerous experiences of his guidance, all the `coincidences' that have happened to you, you will be able to say `I being in the way, the Lord led me' (Gn 24:27 AV).
~
:) nicee

on my rare free off days, there really isnt anything nicer than simply just bumming. with music and dreaming of wintery holidays & warm food. there's always hundreds of things to do & missed calls. there's always a call tomorrow and surgery looming ahead

for now, i'll take a breather, however momentarily, from the neverendin mental to do lists