About Me

Thursday, December 25, 2014

2014 in summary :)

& yes, i realise there is an extremely religious theme running through this. i guess suffering is good if it draws one closer to God haha. even if one purposely signed up for this suffering knowing what one was getting oneself into. and it is great fun, at times (usually on hindsight). and it's definitely made more bearable by pithy quotes and pretty pictures. and definitely made more bearable with fellow journeymen (like when k suddenly appeared to help me with an abg on christmas eve. i never felt such relief ever before). haha.

jan  - He has made everything beautiful in its time/ whatever this year holds, let me bring great glory to you

feb - truly inspiring. to be able to use your God-given skills to bring more years of life to people

march - God has you in the palm of his hand. he has never once failed before, the the good news is, he is not about to start now

april - “My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”

may - there are many things i don't know. but this i know, that this year of my life will only be turned to good. / My God turns my darkness into light

June - so this is the third call in my entire life. it's still nerve wracking. possibly it gets nerve wracking the more it goes. not more comfortable the more it goes.

July -  around 530am i set a plug for a kid with ba who needed abx but plug site swollen. (you really really hate to hear these words over the phone at 5am) after that i felt that i did something good with my life for once.

August - 11th and last ever paeds HO call was ho1 on my home ground!! beautiful LP rounding off my paeds HO posting. NO RBCs in the LP at all!!

September - Heavenly Father, thank you for placing this dream in my heart. Thank you for this passion. Thank you for the desire to use my gift to bring glory to you... I know what you have planned for my life, no man can stop... give my strength to complete my asssignment and one day hear 'Job well done' from you.


October - "You have listened to fears, child,” said Aslan. “Come, let me breathe on you. Forget them. Are you brave again?"
— C.S. Lewis, Prince Caspian

Nov - on my rare free off days, there really isnt anything nicer than simply just bumming. with music and dreaming of wintery holidays & warm food. there's always hundreds of things to do & missed calls. there's always a call tomorrow and surgery looming ahead

for now, i'll take a breather, however momentarily, from the neverendin mental to do lists

Dec - at some point my vision changed from NEUROSURGEON and DOCTORS WITHOUT BORDERS to God i will do anything as long as i'm a doctor, wherever you send me i will go, i dont have to be an award-winning world famous neurosurgeon like ben carson (much as i admire him), any area of medicine that when it finally all ends, you can say to me 'i was hungry and you gave me food; i was thirsty and you give me drink. i was a stranger and you took me in... i was sick and you visited me'

christmas :)

LOL so cute! story of my life. it's very groovy i must say
i'm on call again tomorrow. guess i'll just need to

christmas this yr was not really particularly christmassy and festive filled, but i nevertheless felt extreme gratitude, because if i didnt have this day off to sleep, i might actually have collapsed from exhaustion. literally life-saving day. 

my christmas went like this - wake up at 11am, open presents and christmas lunch, crash back to bed to sleep, christmas mass. haha. 

anyway i am really grateful for medicine. even though it can be numbingly exhausting and i hate the parts of calls where i live in fear of getting scolded the next day/ when i am actually being scolded over the phone by nurses for not coming fast enough/ where there just isnt anyway to balance doing things properly so you dont get calls the next day to demand why u didnt do such and such a thing vs not going somewhere fast enough. 3 more surg calls and it's over!! 1 more passive and then 2 more passive. i dont mind SDA, it's quite chillax (comparatively), except the nurses are very flurried but even its far less highstakes than usual calls. so thank you God, being a doctor is the best christmas present i could ever have had. :)

aiming to have all my patients survive the night, not get any post call- calls, and be awake enough for team christmas party and also be awake enough to meet d on 28th. i strongly suspect im gonna just spend that free day sleeping off my massive sleep debt though. just sayin'

thank you - roy kim
When it was dark, when I couldn’t see the path
You made me see a better me
When I was lonely, when I didn’t like people
You made me see a better day
Thank you, thank you for staying in the same place no matter what color the sky was
Thank you for remaining as my person from a step behind
Thank you

Saturday, December 20, 2014

october rain/ with the heart to forget you

this is so beautiful

somehow everything is beginning to tie up & make sense. i dont think i'll ever do it to be honest. but in some alternate universe out there, i could have had, maybe perhaps. worked up the guts to follow my dreams all the way through. really grateful for this chance to see the light at the end of the hypothetical tunnel. although i was settlin stuff outside and didnt manage to go in til halfway, the fact that i actually ran to OT for once, and was so sad that coz i had to settle stuff outside i couldnt go in earlier. the fact that halfway through the op my MO turned to me and asked "are you happy?" and i nodded with shining eyes. never has that happened to me before in the actual real life working scenario of medicine. only pre-medicine when watching grays anatomy. 

in some alternate universe out there i have the capability to do what i told my reg the other day and work 20 hours coz if you're able to do what you love for 20 hrs that's an awesome thing. i would have the capability to do what i signed up for and do paediatric neurosurgery and spend months and months every year doing amazing lifesaving ops for doctors without borders. that's what i signed up for when i signed up for medicine really. 

in this real universe i can't suture, dont dare to suture tubes to skin, am constantly exhausted by 11pm home timings, and spend most of my time running to radiology to bed for scans and double-scheduling scans til i have to physically porter patients to where my reg wants them to go first. yep. and spending my weekends chatting with my favourite patients. oh well. it's not too bad really

somewhere along the many times and years i spent thinking about the applying for medicine thingy, at some point my vision changed from NEUROSURGEON and DOCTORS WITHOUT BORDERS to God i will do anything as long as i'm a doctor, wherever you send me i will go, i dont have to be an award-winning world famous neurosurgeon like ben carson (much as i admire him), any area of medicine that when it finally all ends, you can say to me 'i was hungry and you gave me food; i was thirsty and you give me drink. i was a stranger and you took me in... i was sick and you visited me' 

that's all. 
(& that's also why i feel so bad when pts ask after CTAPs CAN I EAT? and we all know that in gs its so much easier to just keep nbm. sigh. but at least on call its easy, at least plan nbm for that night is safe) 

and also... i think that everything that transpired was not a coincidence. 
~


October rain, the scent of damp wind
October pain, we who were hurt
I need healing, I need you
But it’s too late, it’s become late
It’s too late, the possibility of returning to how it was
has already become spilled water
The heart that you stole
I want to drive on the road of time,
running to the end of [our] memories
to heal myself
October wind, the memory of an obscured sky
October scene, the space* I kept you in
I need healing, I need you
The heart that you stole
I want to drive on the road of time,
running to the end of [our] memories
to heal myself
Take me back in time
I want to drive on the road of time,
running to the end of [our] memories
to heal myself
And I miss you, and I miss you, and I miss you

Sunday, December 7, 2014

post call thoughts part 2

bumper crop haha





post call thoughts

galatians
For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. 9Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary. 10So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people

i have spent very long thinking and re-thinking over this. 

and this is my conclusion. do not lose heart in doing good..

given the circumstances, i did the best i could. 

but yes, i definitely have things to learn and improve. i agree with that. i will take this lesson to heart no doubt about it. this is a valuable lesson i will never ever forget and even as i stood there i knew that this is something i must remember and sear onto my heart forever. this could save me a hundred times over in the future. so i am thankful in a strange way, for this experience. 

to people who purposely withheld information from me for revenge, i really want to ask: did you do the right thing to the limits of your human ability? coz i know i did.