you're not alone

:)

will come up with my goals for this rotation tmr, assumin i actually survive the day!

and hey i survived ce, winter, and a whole lotta other things

im sure i can survive this yeah! 

lets not fall in love

such a perfect performance
taeyang is still my ideal type after all these years LOL. and i figured out why. it's something in the quality of his voice that really touches the heartstrings

lol

"What Faith Can Do"

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes
And make a new beginning

Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason
For someone not to try
Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
It'll tell you that you can

Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

last crazy chance

in a way it's freeing to finally know (yes, i clearly dont listen if people tell me no twice). whether God reallY wants me to do this or not. and maybe its a bit of an expensive way to know too, not just coz exams are expensive but cause i really enjoyed it. i do like playing with kids, i think there is no qn about it. liking kids is both a very small part and very big part of it. i guess if you hated kids you probably couldnt do this job coz then such a big chunk of potential job satisfaction is removed from the equation. but it also matters very little if you like kids but arent the best doctor. then that removes the whole equation from the equation, something like the expensive calculator you bought for your maths paper having no battery. just sayin'

but anyway in life you cant really think about all this or you wouldnt be able to function at all. i think half the time we have to do things that we arent ready for anyway so we just gotta step up and do it. i think the past four months taught me that i CAN step up and do it. although in my case honestly it's more of trudging thru shift after shift until finally i got the hang of things. and also the really nice reg who told me that i have to present like i know what im doing, which i do (or so he said. HAHA. after that i became convinced that i do know what i'm doing. the power of positive suggestion haha). another funny incident was when the plastics dr refused to pick up after hrs so i just did the t&s myself. doing procedures successfully gives SUCH a +xp boost you wouldn't believe. 

in summary, its been a really awesome & life-changing experience (plus i realized i kinda like shift work!). i think it's given me quite good exposure as well, although not really lots of rare stuff but i did like checking to see how the kids progressed after adm and what people ordered for them in the wards. and the nurses. what can i say. they saved me SO MANY times and they were always so nice about it. best nurses EVER, hands down. 

something i've had ample time to think about is that i really just want to be a good doctor, it doesnt matter what kind of doctor i am otherwise. whereever i can do a good job with whatever skillz i happen to have, is good. or whatever skills i manage to accquire, like plug setting. haha. 

& i want to thank God for bringing me through this posting. although i do still need to do an m&r. and i&d. and ARGHH only a few more shifts!!! so praying really hard those procedures come my way really soon since i need to pass this posting regardless of the plans for the rest of my life 

glow in the dark

list of things i did today
1. 100 pastest qns!
2. removed an FB ear
3. gymmed for the first time in forever. ok not forever. just 4 months.

everytime when i feel its getting a bit easier then i realize there is so much i still don't know. but the way is really to learn from mistakes, acknowledge that i still don't know a lot. and THINK BROADLY. and step out of my comfort zone to do more procedures. procedures are really so satisfying :) also the one good thing is nowadays when people ask me how long i've been a doctor for i can say "oh about one and a half years", which sounds markedly better than "one week", or "four months".

~
"That Was Then, This Is Now"

We used to hide from the light
We were headed the wrong way on a one way track
Going nowhere fast

We got used to the dark
We thought this is who we are
And we figured that we were just too far gone
But we were wrong
He said you’re forgiven
And you belong

So go ahead, put the past in the past
Box it up like an old photograph
You don’t have to go back
‘Cause that was then and this is now

"Carry Me"

The only way I'm ever gonna make it out
Is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now
Lord don't let these worries get the best of me
Oh I believe, that You're still here with me
Cause You meant what You said when You said You'd never leave

the afters - you lift me up

Waiting for the sunrise
Waiting for the day
Waiting for a sign that I'm
Where You want me to be

You know my heart is heavy
And the hurt is deep
But when I feel like giving up
You're reminding me

That we all fall down sometimes
When I hit the ground
Your love carries me so I'm letting go
You lift me up

that was then this is now/ my everything

"Coming Home"

I'm not sure what's left to say
I can't count the times I've turned away
To look for love in the saddest place
Don't give up on me, don't give up on me

Oh God I've been running for so long
Don't know how I get so far out here on my own
But oh God I'm running back to Your strong arms

I've had a second chance a thousand times
But You're the light left on, You're an open door
And You'll always give a thousand more

"Pushing Back The Dark"

One million reasons why, you shouldn't even try.
After all you're just one heart, a single candle in the dark.
And there are shadows here, feeding on your fears,
That you don't have what it takes - who are you to make a change?

But oh, oh, don't underestimate the God you follow.

Whatever you do, just don't look back.
Oh somebody needs the light you have.
Whatever you do, just don't lose heart.
Keep on pushing back the dark,
Keep on pushing back the dark.

The city on a hill, it should be shining still.
Every sinner saved by grace, has a purpose, has a place
Inside the bigger plan, we might not understand.
But if we just keep walking on, we will see the Kingdom come, yeah.

(Let your lights all shine)
When you feel like you're too small
To do any good at all
Like a sunrise through the window
Like a symphony crescendo
We are shining like the stars, we are pushing back the dark

"My Everything"

When my hope is lost

And my strength is gone

I run to you and you alone

When I can't get up and I can't go on

I run to you and you alone

'Cause you're my light in the dark

And I sing with all of my heart

Hallelujah

My almighty God divine

When I'm plagued with pain

And filled with fear

I run to you and you alone

When my days are few

And death is near

I run to you and you alone

When trouble comes and goes

And when the cold wind blows

I lift my hands up, I lift my hands up

When sorrow knocks me down

And you pick me off the ground

I lift my hands up, I lift my hands up/ And I sing

~

things are falling into place, why life leads me towards certain combinations of postings, becomes more clear

i really do want to try this & i know that if the opportunity arises & its the right thing to do, it will happen. :) 

really do love owl city/ adam young's songs. according to him he just messes around writing songs wherever he is so he called his newest album mobile orchestra. coz he IS like a one man mobile orchestra. watching the mv of my everything as he sings soaring hallelujahs, just one dude wandering around in an impossibly green forest in a scruffy jacket and jeans, makes me feel so amazed that at the level of resting consciousness he is singing such ringing hymns of praise. that even though he is not officially a christian music singer but releases music to everyone in general, he so unselfconsciously releases this kind of amazing music without doubting whether people will like stuff that doesnt sit with their beliefs, or not. he just releases it anyway, and does such an awesome job with it. really such soaring hallelujahs. wish i could sing like that on my way home post shift, for instance. usually i just eat chocolate. you can tell from the way he sings that he truly does believe what he is singing. that you really ARE not alone. that God IS his everything. that in God his hope is Found.

it's funny coz in the time i spent walking around in the snow, i never expected it to become something i thought so often & fondly about. but whenever life makes me feel stressed or uncertain about the future, i always somehow visualize myself walking in the snow with one set of footprints & realize that God carried me through that time. even so many yrs after the events have passed. or maybe it's BECAUSE it's so many yrs ago, a rather rosy picture (or cozy wintery picture, rather), is painted of it all. even if half the events took place in summer too. it's really comforting to visualize this picture in my mind & make the correlation that if i survived that, i could survive anything. that if God could save me once, he could save me again. and that he didnt save me once for no good reason at all, he must have SOME Plan for me, he can't just allow me to comfortably sink into oblivion & slackery.

well it's nice to feel comforted, no qns about that, but i'm not really under any illusions nor do i have any more space in either my left or right ventricles, or atria for useless hopes & dreams, or fears. beyond how to survive each day's shift, or night, there's not really much other activity in my supratentorial region. except maybe REM sleep. that aside, it's been such a rollercoaster these few mths that if my dreams really do come true somehow someday, ill perhaps have fond memories of these days too. haha.

anyway, long term life plans aside (im getting quite tired of long term planning), if this short-mid term plan comes to fruition, it would really be fulfilling one of my lifelong wishes & everything would fall into place so nicely. so here's hoping i manage to jump through just a few more hoops ~

forgiven

"Forgiven"

Well, the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I’m reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just won't let me forget

In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
'Cause I’m forgiven

My mistakes are running through my mind
And I’ll relive my days in the middle of the night
When I struggle with my pain, wrestle with my pride.
Sometimes I feel alone and I cry.

And in this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

Well, I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
'Cause I’m forgiven

When I don't fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ

'Cause I’m forgiven
Well, I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
'Cause I’m forgiven.

only few wks more of this posting to go! it's really been a life-changing experience. i sincerely hope i survive the next few weeks though. haha.

something ive been thinking alot about is maslow's hierachy of needs. a place to sleep (that's not under the stars), TIME to sleep, ability to sleep (aha common theme of sleep). pre shift or post shift chocolate.

such relief when the kid highfives me and runs out of the room. knowing there's unlikely anything lifethreatening im missin there huh. or when they call me doctor jiejie and play around the chair so im typing halfway and suddenly like huh where did the kid go? - playing something behind the chair/ investigating the plug on the wall/ hit the keyboard continuously causing my opec to close (!)