About Me

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

place where i need to be

three happy things abt today
1. PASSING THE EXAM whoopee
(me, who never gets anything until at least the THIRD TRY, actually passed an exam on the first go. thank you God!!!!)
2. the little kids who kept pulling me to go play when i wanted to go home (not even kidding. too cute to be true.)
3. randomly being ambushed to discuss happy things

now for call tmr. sighhh i really hope i survive tomorrow's call.

but thank you God for the halfway mark refreshment stations, MUCH MUCH appreciated.

it's a hard road ahead but i will plod on :)

Sunday, November 15, 2015

whisper

"Whisper"

Always looking for a sign
A burning bush, a flash of light
To show me what to do

A voice coming from the clouds
That'll knock me to the ground
So there's no doubt it's You

You calling my name
You pointing the way
So I don't have to choose

I'm always looking for the lightning
For the thunder crashing down
I'm always wanting easy answers
Wanna hear You speak out loud

I keep wanting something bigger
Sometimes I miss Your whisper

You'd think I would learn
To take You at Your word
And know Your still small voice

I know I should pray
I know I should wait on You

It isn't always obvious
Sometimes I gotta learn to trust
Let it go and listen up
~

"Hurricane"

You're spinning out of control again
Your life feels like a sinking ship
You're wondering how it came to this

Is it too late?
Is it too far?
For Him to reach you
And come to where you are

You're in the wreckage underneath
Your hope is buried somewhere deep
You're wondering how long it will keep?

It's never too late
Never too far

Don't back down from the fight
He'll shelter you tonight
Just hold on for the change
Call His name
He'll find you in the hurricane

There's a place, there's a place you can run
When you fall, and it's all come undone
You'll be safe in the raging storm

Step out on the edge
Don't be afraid of it
And when you feel the rain
Call His name
He'll find you in the hurricane

from here to eternity/ one day at a time

sometimes it seems like you havent run for a long time coz it's been too hazy out there
& even when you want to put on your shoes & start again, the activation energy's too much to overcome

sometimes it seems like no matter how you try, you keep sliding down this slippery slope & time keeps turning back to yrs ago. you KNOW you should be a better version of yourself but suddenly you find yourself right back where it all started.

~
"You're Not Alone"

Some days I barely hold on
When life drags me down
I wanna let go
But when my spirit is weak
You come to my aid
And strengthen my soul

I’m lost without You
I’ll never doubt You
Your grace is beyond compare
And though when it rains, it pours
You know all I have is Yours
You smile when you hear my prayer
You rescued me and I believe
That God is love and He is all I need
From this day forth for all eternity
I’ll never wander on my own
For I am Yours until you call me home
I close my eyes and I can hear You say
You’re not alone!

Some days I just can’t go on
I stumble and fall
And I hang my head
But You reach out for my hand
And You lift me up
Again and again
Oh, yes, You do
~
"Beyond Me"

Call it a reason to retreat
I got some dreams that are bigger than me
I might be outmatched, outsized, the underdog in the fight of my life
Is it so crazy to believe

That You gave me the stars, put them out of my reach
Called me to waters a little too deep
Oh, I've never been so aware of my need
You keep on making me see
It's way beyond me
Yeah, it's out of my league
It's way beyond me

Anything that I got the strength to do
In over my head keeps me countin' on You
I'm leaving the sweet spot, sure shot
Tradin' it all for the plans You got
Is it so crazy to believe
~

that there are too many times in my life when it could have gone either way, when i got things i may not have deserved all that much. one way is to think that i scraped through when i didn't deserve those things (actually true HAHA), but the other way that i know is true is that there i would have gone but for the grace of God. so it isn't so much that i am inadequate so much as... He saw something in me worth saving.

i really do not know where life is leading me. but i can see a hundred things to improve in myself between now & forever. so i'm going to work on those things. i can't change others, but i can change myself. i know that whatever happens, at the very least, i can definitely do God's work with my life. so whatever happens, it doesn't really matter, it's not going to change the Plan.
~
thank you God for saving me all those yrs ago, although i was quick to anger & thoroughly uncharitable, thank you for helping me to somehow see through the fog & make the selfless choice (was it even really a choice...). thank you for showing me that the selfless choice is always the best even if sometimes its all a bit of coercion. thank you for the small bits of happy surprises along the way. although the way ahead is so murky i can't see beyond my hand, i trust that as long as i do what is right, you will show me the way. just help me with the doing what is right part, coz sometimes that's the hardest part. i guess i am asking if you could save me again, just this one more time. remember my childish faith all those years ago? somehow i always believed you would come through this one last time as you have always done. 

it's ok if it's not in your plan for me, i totally understand. i learnt a lot about life, responsibility & medicine from the last few months. i lived out the jobs of my dreams quite literally. although i wasn't always very good at it, at least i was doing something i loved doing & thought you called me to do. and the parts where people told me i was good at it & had a knack for it and sought me out to help them with their projects, i think i thought i was dreaming it. i also really liked running to resus. i really loved it although i am soooo slow at dealing with resus cases. 

i understand that this goes way beyond simply a child's request; this is now real life & no longer child's play. if it's not within my capability, then i think i dont want the great responsibility either. but if you think i can do it, then i'm up for it :) 

ps: thank you for the gift of improving my plug setting. very very much appreciated. like my last call when they called me in the middle of the day to set a plug for a baby's dmsa scan coz the sister couldnt get it -_- i got it on my last try and hence escaped having to call the reg. literally thank you God. 

"All You've Ever Wanted" - casting crowns

I just looked up today
And realized how far away I am from where You are
Lord, I know I let You down
But somehow, I will make You proud
I'll turn this sinking ship around
And make it back to You

Saturday, November 7, 2015

still doin' one starfish at a time

some snippets from my past self, on What I Want to Be When I Grow Up:

"now...... i don't know. cute is cute but i need to get there. and if by the time i reach the finish line, what if i'm totally pooped and i cant do the amazing things that i always planned to do, when i got there?"

~
"our life decisions need to be made this week.

i didnt make it to church this weekend so since i need to consult the consultant up there, i cant decide right now yet"
~

LOL.
this may be a semi-answer but i am already in the midst of planning aforementioned 'amazing things'. i dont need to wait to reach the finish line before i start doing amazing things with this life yeah :)

i guess we are all equipped to do some things & altho its good to go out of our comfort zones, there are many things to consider. like i read drs without borders blogs with such a longing heart but i really dont think i am at all equipped to fly to the middle of a warzone tmr to do trauma surgery or neurosurgery on anyone, on many counts. not least because... WAR, but also because i am not trained as a surgeon, not even as a surg mopex mo. and quite a few traumatic medical sch postings have made me quite certain that im not meant to do surgery. for the record, after o&g, I CAN DO HANDTIES. and i have t&s-ed quite a few people ;p most exciting doing scalp t&s yo. and eyelid t&s on a 2yo boy. (bravery ++. both us and the boy)

BUT there are still some things that i can do, and i plan to do what i can :)

some things are really definitely too latte, no question about that, but some things aren't. i guess, you win some, you lose some..?

(i guess if that cup of coffee was really meant to be, the timings would have matched up by now. maybe the fact that the timing was well & truly off meant that it was truly not meant to be after all. not that it was wrong, cos i always suscribe to the belief that people walk in & out of our lives for a reason. like my fav analogy of ships passing in the night. x wasnt just a ship passing in the night as i used to think, it was more like a fighterjet bombing a yellow submarine & being reminded of it eternally whenever the song played on the radio. for ____, i really think it was like a lighthouse that a ship passes in the night. the ship needs the lighthouse so that it doesnt crash into the rocks & cos to see the light at the end of the seemingly endless dark night is really such a relief, but the ship can't land either, because... ROCKS. so the cafe-hopping, looking for the perfect cup of coffee continues...)

all that matters

the usual random interlude on a weekend. usually its on weekends cos on weekdays everything goes by so fast there is no time to think at all

some things get easier but some things really don't

sometimes you get random bits of encouragement but along with that carries the weight of new responsibilities & stresses

i have NO idea why God suddenly chose to give me this opportunity. i was most surprised when it popped up cheerily in the middle of the 75mo room and snowballed into something which has the most exciting prospects. but then again

so here's the plan
sat:
1. apply for the (planned leave) on prosoft
2. try to work on papers
3. long run to botanics later! :) since the haze has -temporarily- abated (OR gym since sadly it looks like it's going to rain)
4. continue bumming coz the first 3 days of the week have been reaally crazy (solo in nursery + outside), to the point that the reg felt sorry for me and actually did one septic workup herself (oh well. it was nice of her. i cant believe i survived those three crazy days. really amazed.) 
5. email the lovely secretary with further casenotes to trace. 
6. email my supervisors with qns 

sun
1. church
2. researchhh (old - aim to do 50 cases + a bit of the new one)
3. gym!

mon
1. hopefully the case notes wld have arrived and i can do the first 4 cases

tues - HOLIDAY 
1. GYM
2. old researchh - aim to do 50 at least (so then it will be like 460 cases. and it wouldnt be soo bad) 

wed 
1. do the rest of the cases for the new project (my part) finish (haha. hopefully)
2. update my supervisor that im done and will start tracing the other cases (shared part) + email secretary to kindly help 

thurs
CALL

Fri
POSTCALL
hopefully start on the new cases! if not, come back on sat/ sun to do

aim to finish by end of nov so they can send off the data 
aim to go to hk next year, with God's grace :) 

i remember a few yrs ago, it was on the day of the feast of the epiphany where i was asking God whether i should go ahead with this elective or not & i came out of it with a very strong conviction that i should. literally a life-changing decision that has led to this entire rigamarole of going round in circles lol. at first, i felt that i couldnt understand at it at all.  it was just completely beyond my comprehension & it just seemed so illogical. esp since i really had such an unwavering hunch. after that i stopped bothering to demystify it or to try and use hindsight on a situation that hasnt even come to its conclusion yet.  but it's been an enjoyable time overall, i really learned alot! 

anyway, i'm now literally spending my life doing something i absolutely love, for the forseable (near) future. so i'll enjoy however long of that that life wants to grant me. there are enough daily challenges that there isnt much bandwidth to think of the future (although practically speaking i should scrape together enough gigabytes to go for the mandatory teas and things. haha). & truly if God really did intend for me to go down this route, & if the last minute birthday present out of the blue was truly meant to encourage me two days before an interview which i felt admittedly a little resigned about, then maybe i'll get it this time. if not, i'll think again then about what i'm truly meant to do. in the meantime there are SO many things in life (& so many faults & flaws i wouldnt know where to start...) to do, i'll take it one thing at a time :) 

also: dear God, thank you for the (belated) birthday present, as i sat there in the meeting & my role in this project slowly dawned upon me, i realized that this good & perfect gift could only have come from you :) i'll make sure that this one is the best yet! 

Sunday, November 1, 2015

if you

today's sermon was quite nice :) "if you put God first & rely on him, everything will fall into place" its the kinda thing one usually says in one's head as a virtual cheerleader, like "IT'S GOING TO BE OK", and "IF IT'S NOT OK IT ISN'T THE END" and "TRUST GOD, HE IS GOING TO SAVE YOU", so it was nice to hear it from someone other than myself for once. kind of an affirmation that im not just talking to myself huh. 

been uncharacteristically reflective these few days or so. i think it isnt really the right time to be honest. when will it be the right time? or the right person? 

the second part of the sentence after 'everything will fall into place' was "not in your timing, but in God's timing". 

i guess i just feel really very stretched & stressed everyday. i dont know how these pple do it all the time coz i sure can't. when the weekend comes, it's such a relief to unwind & go gymming & put everything aside, or go eat yummy food w good company. thank goodness i actually have weekends off. and last month was in such a chillax ward too!! 

so no. probably not the best time. 

more wise words "you dont need to be perfect to be loved" yes i am not making this up. best sermon ever. i think after all these yrs something i have discovered is that emotional equilibrium is very very impt. it is one thing to have the most impt thing in your to do list be pbl and totally another thing to feel responsible for half a ward (&sometimes like the whole ward when the other side mo is busy). there really isnt any time (personally) to think abt other stuff. the other day when i discovered my ho hadnt taken bld transfusion consent -_- then i realized that really have to check all the ho's work sigh. & the one person that has been there thru everything & will be there whether you do good or bad, that will be there despite of the timezones, etc, is God. it's cheesy but its really true. although he does send some angels like d, a, etc for me to send whatsapp sos-es. (yes its hard for a person to change COMPLETELY. wahah). 

so my resolutions for the new month ahead
1. go very early everyday
2. check all the drips and antibiotics doses
3. plot everyone's height and weight
4. know all my pts and flip thru all the old notes **** sounds so easy but yknow in the morning gold rush... 
5. check and double check all the hos work (including the home prescriptions)
6. do all my research like my life depends on it (it actually does. plus it is the inspiration for the life i am choosing & sth i love to do anyway. its just that sometimes after a loooong day u just want to go home and chillax. oh well. IT'S WORTH IT.)

& maybe one day, finally the pieces will all fall into place. i dont know when that day will come if ever. sometimes in the middle of all the slogging it doesnt feel like it. sometimes the mirth in the middle more than makes up for it. or an unexpected gift that keeps me going :) 

one thing at a time, i shall pray very hard that i survive the next 2 days...