About Me

Monday, December 28, 2015

thoughts on winter wonderlands

I survived my christmas call!! Strongly suspect the prophylactic pre call carol singing of silent night had something to do with this. And also my ho who literally skipped into the ward on christmas day to help me preround (we actually cover 2 wards so the ho starts in 1 ward and i start in another). And there was nandos chicken on call. So that was nice too :) 

Thereafter had a golden weekend with fri pm off post call, and both sat & sun free for gymming, family christmas dinners, meeting up with friends  & much general slackery. 

So yeah. Maybe life really is what we make of it. Sometimes we can overcome the long dark tea times of the soul by ourselves, sometimes we can't. Sometimes we can rely on other humans and oftentimes there is only God who persists thru it all. Interesting epiphany last sun which showed me that jumping to my own conclusions based on limited pinhole vision is usually (and gladly) wrong. 

Something i am really grateful for is the gift of gymming/running. Endorphins really do make such a difference in everyday life. But i think apart from that, just the fact that one steps into the gym or just lacing up ur shoelaces and heading out for a run is like sort of a hope that tomorrow will be a happier day. Maybe a very sore muscle day haha. But i love that feeling of waking up with post run myalgia! (Assuming one doesnt go into rhabdo la). 

Saturday, December 19, 2015

epiphanies

really had to record this down before i forget

God, please help me to do the right thing no matter how difficult it sometimes may be. 
~

isn't it funny how you can be in exactly the same spot, doing the same things as always, but it feels like a great weight is lifted off you? it feels like im back on the right path now :) & i'm quite sure that i'm going to stay on the path, thanks very much. sometimes it's just this really subtle feeling that something is off, nothing is going right, all your plans are falling apart and you're doing loads of things that you dont agree with & dislike to do & dont want to do anyway & ENNUI ++  versus the christmassy feeling (time of year notwithstanding) that all is right with the world, your sins are forgiven & everything is going to be okay? 

& i know exactly what changed in between to shift the modes between the two. coz either way im just sitting here bumming on a usual weekend & watching tv anyway. haha. funny how mindsets work huh 

Thursday, December 17, 2015

necessary provisions

sometimes it really feels like i'm running without a break, without a drinks station, without my God. sometimes you just need to take a step back & see if you're running in the right direction?

it's really easy to love everyone sometimes when everything is goin' all peachy, when the nurses all know u so well and trust you and all the plugs go in so easily. when the cute kids are running around pulling at you wanting to play. like one call we were seeing an early review and t came up and was like JIE JIE FEED ME! the reg was really amused "i think the kid just asked u to feed her!" t is really so so cute, one day i overheard my ho saying "t is such a darling!" as she profferred her an apple pie from mc d's. to think i started 31 in such stressful conditions and ended it feeling like i could do anything.

i dont know when i started running off into the wrong path? i just know it feels like im running further and further into the woods. i'm in such a relatively chillax ward now it should all be like permanent golden weekends. furthermore when i did 31 i did three weekends in a row. maybe i'm reaping the general exhaustion from it all...? i don't know.

anyway. i'm kind of hanging on. it's just that during this period of hanging on i dont think i've been a very good human being. and i wish i made better choices during my last call. that's all. i have 2.5 calls more and i resolve to do my very best. after all, after this, depending on God's will, i may or may not come back to this department again, so i guess even if the reg is annoyed at my plug setting skills, it's probably okay. LOL.

2.5 more weeks and 2.5 more calls.

my resolutions are
1. be a good person. okay this is very generic but i guess even if i feel snappier than a snapper fish, i should strive to be as cheerful as if i was having a christmas holiday roasting chestnuts by the fire, for starters.
2. always do what i know is the Right thing, and ask if i do not know what is the right thing to do (and not be afraid to ask).
3. to make it for church. cos i can't do this on my own

been thinking a lot about what life Means & i think that it always comes back to the same few things, if you know what your principles are & stick to them you'll never go wrong. to chase after fame/ satisfaction/ exotic holidays - those are empty things. something i learnt years ago - how could i ever forget that? that said not to be a grinch in a daily life either. sometimes it can be very hard & you just want to eat chocolate. i think that's an allowable exchange ;p

anyway to make this a more cheerful post, i am really thankful to d for saving me from a potential crevice yet once again, my sixteen yr old self has excellent sense in choosing friends. and to m for helping me, despite everything, once again. okay maybe my 24+ self has good sense in choosing friends too ;p or maybe God just sends the right people at the right times.

THIS IS GOING TO GET BETTER.

actually, it's not. i somehow got into the middle of a rounding switcheroo tomorrow which basically favors me the least. but i trust that God will somehow bring me through, so that i can MAKE IT FOR MASS TOMORROW. yes. that is my main aim. with all my patients in the various wards safely handed over/ clerked/ seen with the reg/ plugged. ONE MORE DAY TO THE WEEKEND we can do this :)

http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/four-truths-about-god-s-provision


Sunday, December 13, 2015

random weekend musings

so i spent the last three weekends continuously being on call - no kidding.

and then i spent this weekend doing nothing but sleeping. lol. it feels like i ran a marathon.

speaking of which i requested off in jan on one day to run an actual race, of which i dont know if it is approved?! sigh.

something i very sincerely believe in is that People who walk into your life with a certain amount of Significance, do so for a Reason. sometimes reasons unknown and sometimes it's very clear why.

so this week i need to survive a call, a debate, & then i will go the next day to confess all my sins. sounds like a plan to me. and then i will be oncall on christmas eve & sing silent night to all the babies. oh wait its an mo3 call, so i think the kids will all be older than 1 month. oh well. then post call i will go for christmas day mass

i dont know this sounds like a very difficult list of things to do. i shall aim for a) all my pts to survive my calls b) to make it for christmas day mass!!

everything else will hopefully fall into place. like not having any public humiliation during the debate. i realized that the previous debates, my usual role is to sit there coming up with the lame jokes, while sanjiv/sean/joshua crack their brains to come up with the actual prongs of attack, and then they expound on it very intellectually and im just like "hey guys if i say *insert lame joke here*, will you guys kill me?" *cue polite silence* HAHA. ah good times i miss them.

ok. i think i shall aim for (1) MAKE IT FOR CHRISTMAS DAY MASS

Saturday, December 5, 2015

satellite



in the beginning we may have seen too much of each other
we dont exist any longer 
the cliche words that time heals everything
the harsh words that we werent meant to be
the street looks the same as always
i move my feet finally
~

such pretty lyrics, this kpopstar 5 contestant wrote this song himself!!

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

whatever you do

2nd December: A Guiding Principle

Whatever you do, in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father. Col 3:17
In this verse the apostle Paul gives us a guiding principle for life. All that we say or do should be said or done `in the name of the Lord Jesus'. Taking the patient's history, carrying out a physical examination, giving advice, prescribing and/or carrying out the treatment needed -- this should all be done in the name of the Lord Jesus, remembering that he indeed is our Lord. It follows that if there is anything which we really cannot do in his Name, we should not be doing it. Adherence to this simple yet all-inclusive principle will mean that we shall always have the highest interests of our patients at heart, just as our Lord Jesus has. We shall treat them as people for whom Christ died, not just as `patients'. We shall do our best for them, just as if the Lord Jesus were in the room supervising us -- which indeed he is, for he has promised to be with us all the days, to the very end of the age.
Lord Jesus, I ask today that all I say and do may be in your name. You are my Saviour, my Lord and my God. I acknowledge that all my abilities have come as gifts from your bountiful hands. Grant that today I might use them all in your Name, for your glory and so for the blessing of all with whom you bring me into contact. May I show something of your compassion, humbleness, kindness, gentleness, patience, forbearance, forgiveness and love to everyone I meet today, for your Name's sake.
~
it's been a good three days of leave. the first day i gymmed, the second day i literally bummed at home watching tv + played my instrument for the first time in YEARS, and the third day i spent tidying up my research + attending a really inspiring teaching session. feels productive. 

i've got 4.5 calls left + many many cases left in my various research projects, & then off i go for my second try at ce. i was really SO noob when i started. remembering when mich feli and me first wandered blurly into ce on our very first day of being baby mos hahaha almost like first day of being a ho but nearly more terrifying than that. really so grateful to them for our babymo whatsapp support group!! dont think i'll have that next posting since its all the guys and me next posting. lol. but hopefully i'll be better and wouldnt need it either!! 

speaking of being noob, three months into this posting and it is definitely getting much better. it was really a new experience to have hos to supervise and to have to check their work and to know like ALL the pts in the ward and on call to keep track of all the pts. i am grateful for my traumatising first month which at least taught me what i know should be the gold standard of knowing all the pts & the right thing to do. i've had a lot of exciting/scary experiences like my first managing status epilepticus, code blues, having to run down to ce resus, sedations, watching countless bmas, amongst others. it was really nice having some time to do my research as well. 

ANYWAY in summary, even though its all very there but for the grace of God go i, i guess at least i survived these three months. and hopefully i will survive the last month too. and hopefully my research all goes well. hopefully all goes well. i've been lucky in that i only do mo1 and mo3 calls which arent that bad. mo 2 and mo 4 calls are really really scary but since i havent done onco or hd ever (plus i am still very the baby mo), i dont have to do those. 

so even though some days it looks so hazy & i keep on driving down a road where i can't see where i'm going which can get pretty scary, i guess as long as i love what i do each day (school refusal notwithstanding) & i'm doing it for God, it should work out somehow someday. 
~
and maybe someday i'll find the words to describe how is it possible that two fleeting encounters years apart can however briefly make me see a glimpse of poetry in the wastelands. i guess if nothing it's good to know that i can believe again however briefly. first muffins then chocolate and then now embellishments on a cake, i think i should swear off sweet things for a looong time and maybe ask a genie for a personal trainer boyfriend instead, or a mma fighter? i think the lesson learnt is that not all that glitters is gold and not all that is sugary is sweet. 
but thank you for helping me to believe again, however briefly. i always do appreciate it, learning how to feel again. 

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father. Eph 3:14
Sometimes we can become so busy that the pressures of the needs of the moment make us blind to the greater realities.
We need to pause from time to time to reflect on the greatness of God and his love in all its breadth and length and height and depth.
The phrase `for the reason' is repeated in Ephesians 1:15, 3:1 and 3:14. To be aware in even a limited way of the magnitude and wonder of God's love can only result in heartfelt worship and provides the stimulus to living out that love in all our lives. Hence the importance of pausing to reflect on his word, to praise, to give thanks, and to pray for forgiveness and help for ourselves and others.
We need power to live like this, and the Holy Spirit can give us that power. As we trust Christ, so he lives in our hearts. As we are rooted and grounded in the love of Christ, so we can grasp something of its dimensions.
The love of Christ is wider than our limited acceptance of people. It includes all mankind, whatever our racial background, our cultural heritage, our socio-economic classification, our educational or professional achievement, our political freedom or lack of it, our age or our sex. He loves each of us as his own dear child. That colleague we find unbearable, Christ died for him. That patient who has neglected himself to the stage of degradation, God loves him too, just as much as he loves you!
The length of the love of Christ is eternal. He never stops loving, no matter what we do or what happens. There is no time when Christ does not love you or all of us.
His love is higher than any other. It ennobles and enriches us in ways beyond description. Indeed, it lifts us to heaven to the very presence of God.
And the love of Christ reaches down to the worst in all of us. No matter how you've failed of what you've done, he forgives and forgives and forgives. But of course we must accept that forgiveness, it is not automatic. Sadly, there are those who will reject the love of Christ. But they need not, indeed must not. Our calling is to demonstrate that love in our own lives in such a way that all will have every opportunity to know it for themselves.

~

Dear God, 

I am sorry for the times i've failed you. For the times I've said stupid things in interviews and taken a whole round trip round the world in consequence. For the times I failed plug setting even as the mother was saying a litany of hail marys, and yet still I couldn't do it. For the times i've struck out verbally because of anger and deep seated insecurities, and blamed others for what i know only too well were in reality my own failings. For the times I didn't prepare well enough and thus didn't manage to get things i should have had, that for all i knew you had actually planned for me, but because of my own human limitations, I didn't manage to do it. 

But somehow, despite all that, you turned every single painful time into my life into something that i ended up cherishing & looking fondly upon. Every single season of awkwardness, loneliness, heartbreak, was always inevitably followed by a season of outpouring of love, achievements i had not even dreamed of or dared to wish of & consolation for the future wrestling matches with life ahead. Even small scattered prayers that i had long forgotten, like how we could never make friends with debaters from other schools were answered so generously years later when i started debating for medicine. i knew then that you were listening to all the prayers i had prayed all these years. 
~

Isn't it funny, how years ago no matter how I would say "it's going to be okay", it never would be, and now suddenly when buoyed by my own experiences I could confidently advise others "God will definitely come through for you, it's the third time. He always comes through" - said with my last vestiges of innocent childish faith before I surely but certainly grew up & can no longer ascribe the world childish faith to myself now. And he really did! Thank goodness for that. 

For myself, I think that (happily), I no longer have the despondency or desperation of yesteryear. Initially when I came to this path, I only begged God to make me a doctor. I never really thought of specifying which kind, I really just only wanted to be a doctor, any kind was fine. Fastforward all these years and I finally achieved my life's goal, but you see, you can't just be any random doctor, you have to be a good and competent one. Therein lies the difficulty. 

So yes, I still don't know, and I can't say whether I've found peace in my life for sure. But I'm going to keep trying til one day, God shows me the path. It was only until I worked as a HO for more than a few months that it struck me - after all that pre med sch angst & wondering what to do with my life, He really had called me to be a doctor, that was my Answer. 

I really don't know if God will come through for me the third time. On one hand I'm really calm about it, on one hand I think I'm secretly that kid again, holding onto the cloak, hoping for another miracle no matter how slim the chances seem. 

But this I know, that no matter what it is, that He is going to turn this season into something I will remember happily. That He will give us peace in our hearts at however it turns out, that this is part of a Plan that I just can't see now. That whatever it is, it's going to be much better than I ever expected. I know this because I have marvelled countless times at the previous parts of the puzzle when they all fell into place. I just pray that between now & whenever it is that I finally find my answers to this season in life, or my miracles that I keep on holding out for, that we have peace in our hearts & never lose our God. That was my prayer then, & remains the same now.