About Me

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

what if i gave everything

#mantra of my inner cheerleader

post night, SUPER TIRED, but brimming with ideas for my projects and doing more than i did for three days of festive season days off hahaha

ive concluded that christmas isnt just about the picture perfect festive selfie/ insta pic haha. becos the truth is that life always has ups and downs. BUT. it is about the fact that, the light will ALWAYS overcome the darkness. even if it starts with a star in the night sky, a baby in a manger. 

yes, its true that there may be many things that we dont agree with that other people do. HOWEVER it is also true that God has blessed us with many many things that we should be grateful for. in times when it seems like life is not going our way, just always remember all the multitude of miracles that He gave, usually when we didnt deserve it at all. 

for today, i'm really happy to finally know what to do next for my project! worth it fighting off sleepiness post night. hahah.

Sunday, December 25, 2016

night before christmas

on a separate note: merry christmas :)
ive finished my research for today and looking forward to much christmas feasting + church tmr yay! 


Saturday, December 24, 2016

on miracles

so today i woke up and started the day with a little prayer that i would be able to do all the gazillion 100000 things i need to do today 

and i come to the computer, open my email, AND MY PAPER WAS ACCEPTED TO A CONFERENCE!!!

first overseas conference!!! 

VERY VERY STUNNED AND GRATEFUL

THANK YOU GOD!

to God be all the glory, quite literally. 

ok now i need to make the actual ppt slides. 

haha

next aim: ATHENS 2017 for project no 2. 

I CAN DO THIS!!






Friday, December 23, 2016

oh my soul/ middle of a miracle

one project down, next one up next!
will be spending christmas doing RESEARCH. and also church. and gym.

nooo time.

as time goes by, i realize what is the most impt thing in life. and i hope never to forget that.

that said, even tho some things are interludes, i guess all have their good and bad sides. some things so dramatic that even poetry wouldnt describe it adequately.

i really do believe that one day God will show me how it all fits together somehow. in that i trust

cos if you dont believe that, its very hard to survive.

today on christmas eve eve, i would like to thank God for giving me this mopex posting, literally the best posting of my life. i have never met such cool seniors and colleagues, or nice and helpful nurses. best nurses ever. one year ago, i thought ce was the best place on earth. now i've discovered a second home. ok maybe two second homes. both the busy and chillax hospital are awesome, i cant really choose. i think i like being busy better, but the chillax hospital will be busy in a few yrs time and i hope it will be just as awesome! i know i still have a LONG way to go. that's part of the reason why i took the exam coz i really wanted to know the EMED base of knowledge. unfortunately i soon realized mugging for the exam was basically all basic science -_- good job e.

so i'm just going to keep on doin' what i can
even if i'm not the fastest, or the best. not the coolest person nor sadly the funniest (to be fair to myself, my last two debates for medicine were pretty funny!! the literal pinnacle of my lame jokes and debating career. hahahah. talk about going out on a high. God's small little gift to make up for those years of crying outside classrooms and listening to scary judges tell us why we suck). , not the bestest person at keeping up friendships exactly, not the supermodelest. GOD IS GOING TO MAKE IT WORK. somehow.

*inner cheerleader

and at the end of it all, whenever that may be, i'll know that i led the coolest and best life i could've had. its kind of like during my gs ho posting when i literally finished off all my changes to run to the ot to watch the neurosurg op coz when i was younger i wanted to be neurosurgeon101. except i have that same adrenaline coursing through me 24/7 nowadayS

haha what a collection of random thoughts.

anyway, off to enjoy my TWO DAYS OFF OVER CHRISTMAS YAY!! payback for doing three nights in a row yo. its definitely going to be better than doing my christmas eve call last year. NO QUESTIONS BOUT THAT

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

on writers block

"Writer's block is often caused by conflicted feelings. We want the writing to be perfect and we want the paper done as soon as possible. We know what we know but we don't know what our readers know. We know how the memo should sound, but we don't have all the facts we need. We know everything about the software, but we don't know what an article should look like. We know what we have to say but we are afraid that it won't measure up to our expectations or to our readers' expectations."

TELL ME ABOUT IT.

i have many motivations to finish this paper. not least the fact that in about 2 weeks i will be in the busy hospital permanently and have no time to do anything except eat sleep work. 

but reading this above explaination makes me feel better about myself. HAHA. less about inefficiency but the reasons why the paper didnt magically get written thus far. (i mean, reasons other than i CAN'T THINK POST NIGHT and i just did three night shifts + 1 busy hospital shift the past week, and also because: JUST FINISHED STUDYING FOR VERY HARD EXAM)

anyway, it's improving. very slightly. 

something ive found helpful in life, or in impossible situations, is to start off by asking God to help. it really does help. in many tangible and intangible ways. 

on another note, i was supposed to join the dept christmas party tomorrow with TURKEY but i now have to go to the busy hospital tmr. a bit sad about the missed turkey hahah. oh WELL. 

at the very least, i know i spent this six months really fruitfully. learning a whole new speciality, starting two research projects, studying and taking one of the hardest exams EVER. can't say i've been slacking exactly. haha. oh. and buying MANY MANY BOOKS. i'm not sure if i have more emed books now or korean books. its a pretty hard fight. 

ok back to the paper. my conclusion is forming a semblance of a paragraph now. YAY. ONE STEP AT A TIME

Sunday, December 18, 2016

beautiful life

omg. watching my new fav kdrama and the male lead can see into the future and he sees the female lead... without him by her side in the future.

that was reaaaally heartbreaking

"i can see into your future. and i'm not there beside you"
*cue swoons from million of fangirls round the world"

but thinkin bout it, that happens a lot in real life too doesn't it? not just in fantasy dramas? who was it who said to me again "e ur life is NOT like a korean drama"

HAH that person clearly couldnt see into my future which does look rather like all the medical kdramas nowadays. like the bumbling interns in golden time. HAHA.

that said, i am proud to say that i NOW KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE. at the age of 27! (nurse last night. "dr e, how old are you?" me " 27!" her "you dont look it leh, you look 23" -_-) yay! i am also infecting all around me with my newfound enthusiasm and joie de vivre. a told me that she was gonna give up on med until i told her all about my exciting new potential adventures and now she's all excited to go too. hehehe.

i just need to hopefully get some good training for this in the next 5 years or so, God willing, and also finish up my bond which i dont even know whether i have, and then i'm ALL SET

i also need to at some point finish writing this paper. paperS plural. BUT I HAVE WRITER'S BLOCK.

temporary angst over my writer's block reminded me of our JC poetry blog aka writer's blog haha. i really loved that blog. the subtitle seems apt too. hypertext shouting yo tell me about it. so i posted up a poem in the hopes that my research writer's block may be alleviated miraculously. not sure if it works that way.

i also am doing my THIRD NIGHT SHIFT IN A WEEK tonight. so my circardian rhythm (already off coz of almost 1.5 yrs of shift work) is more off than usual. haha im ok with the baseline shiftwork circardian rhythm, but 3 nights in a week is a bit zzzz.

but anyway i'll end off with the beautiful ost from my fav drama GOBLIN


such pathos. it's really incredible.

and on a random note, i resolve not to write poetry for a long time again. i dont think i wanna love someone in that way for a long time. maybe ever? its ok. i don't need that in my life. there's plenty more to life than just love. it may work for some people but imma over it.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

whatever you do

1. i gymmed post night!! the first time i have gymmed in literally about two months?!
wow achievement. i realized today that the gym is totally my happy place. just walking in and hearing all the usual music playing over the speakers makes me feel happy. add that to post-workout endorphins and post-gym book buying = BLISS. for one hour the outside world doesnt matter, i have no responsibilities. ITS awesome.

2. at the end of everything, the only one who will be there through it all is God. you shouldn't put any hope or trust in anyone else, becos humans are just that, humans.

3. BIG BANG IS BACK. omg. i cant believe they came out with tonight literally almost 6yrs ago when i was in 2nd yr of med sch and now i'm a 2nd yo MO - not even baby mo anymore, and they're going off to army. quite the oomph listening to their song last dance on my night shift. haha. when i was second year i really and truly doubted i'd ever make it through. or even that i'd pass each exam. well i did! and thank you big bang for being the soundtrack to all these years so far.

okay sorry i know i sound very bimbo now. i blame this on the combination of post night and post workout endorphins wahaha

working out is so ADDICTIVE coz it makes you feel very happy and high and makes you wanna do it tomorrow too! which i technically can coz i'm doing night shift again! WHY am i doing so many night shifts, no ideaa. okay. maybe i can run tmr. i haven't run since... i literally can't even remember when is the last time i went running. oh dear. EXCITED. lets do this!!

Sunday, December 11, 2016

it's beginning to look a lot like christmas

SO i made it thru a very torturous 3 hrs of exam. i guess there were qns i knew the answers to (thank you st joseph of cupertino!), although whether there were enough of those that i'd pass, guess i'll leave that up to God and his mercies. haha. 

THEN had 2 nearly consecutive shifts at the busy hospital. FUN but brain VERY ZONKED. 
yesterday the busy hospital was not so busy. so five of us p2 mos sat around literally twiddling our thumbs, grabbing pts even if from our opposite teams when they did come in, and watching the card boxes like a hawk haha. 

time to do everything i couldnt do cos of studying for exams!
although NO IDEA WHERE TO START. too much to doooo

currently spamming christmas carols and getting into the christmas moood 
good stuff

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

stats

as of 630pm currently i have
- 386 anat qns more
- 187 pharmco
- 183 physio
- 53 microb left

which is. um. 800 mcqs. LOL.
okay i aim to do until i have about 250 anat qns (that will mean i did 80% of the anat mcqs), 100 pharm and 100 physio. and microb - i give up lol.


you are more than the sum of your past mistakes/ even the sparrow knows He holds tomorrow

"You Are More" - tenth avenue north

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are, 
What's been done for you? 
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

Well she tries to believe it 
That she's been given new life 
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers 
And she's rehearsed all the lines 
And so she'll try to do better 
But then she's too weak to try

'Cause this is not about what you've done, 
But what's been done for you. 
This is not about where you've been, 
But where your brokenness brings you to 

This is not about what you feel, 
But what He felt to forgive you, 
And what He felt to make you loved. 

~
beautiful song as always :)

i think the pre-exam panic is finally setting in

looking back, i realize that it was the day i was praying for guidance as to whether i shld take the part 2a of the mrcpch or the frcem primary, that God showed me my path, right out of a drama (isnt my life always like that...) usually its me going to my friends and asking them "do you think this is a Sign from God?" but this time, it's my friends who told me "it seems like God's trying to tell you something".

so i guess although i would love to pass this exam, the turning point between me being yoked to my past life and setting out on a new road, its a little difficult HAHAHA coz the qns are a little tough (understatement)

but it's okay either way. to have been given this opportunity, to have experienced even a tiny bit of miracle and grace, it has been thoroughly worth it. this exam has given me more than i have given it. it's probably the most grace-filled exam i have ever taken.

but i'll still try, for the next 24hrs, give it my all. that's the most i can do. haha. EVERY POINT COUNTS, that's my philosophy!!

Sunday, December 4, 2016

sunday musings/ angels brought me here

the way father c chuckled today when i went to get pre-exam blessings really cheered me up! haha



one way - magic

550+ more anat qns
220+ more physio qns
2 more patho qns
4.5 more videos

YEAH I CAN DO THIS
EVERY POINT COUNTS

*inner cheerleader

note to self: next yr i must MUST sign up for the SCSM as part of the medical team. MUST MUST. i literally missed it by a few minutes this yr -_- but its prolly a good thing coz... MUGGING


stay with me - goblin ost

random sunday musings
1. INTERNET IS BACK UP

i hereby conclude that internet is top of maslows hierachy of needs
esp if u have an exam in like THREE DAYS

2. transdescendant song from the beautiful tv show goblin (which i havent watched yet due to said internet)


3. http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/11/we-only-fall-in-love-with-3-people-in-our-lifetime-each-one-for-a-specific-reason/

THIS is pretty true

It’s been said that we really only fall in love with three people in our lifetime.

Yet, it’s also believed that we need each of these loves for a different reason.
Often our first is when we are young, in high school even. It’s the idealistic love—the one that seems like the fairytales we read as children. It's a love that looks right.
(note: i dont think my first love appealed to what society thinks is right. AT ALL. hahahaha. unless you count debate, which actually and truly WAS my first love pwahahaha. first love: debate. second love: medicine. third love: emergency medicine. ok that does sum it up quite well). 
The second is supposed to be our hard love—the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we often want or need to be loved. This is the kind of love that hurts, whether through lies, pain or manipulation. (yup. tell me about it. cross reference: my prolific poetry writing) 
We think we are making different choices than our first, but in reality we are still making choices out of the need to learn lessons—but we hang on. Our second love can become a cycle, oftentimes one we keep repeating because we think that somehow the ending will be different than before. Yet, each time we try, it somehow ends worse than before. 
Sometimes it’s unhealthy, unbalanced or narcissistic even. There may be emotional, mental or even physical abuse or manipulation—most likely there will be high levels of drama. This is exactly what keeps us addicted to this storyline, because it’s the emotional rollercoaster of extreme highs and lows and like a junkie trying to get a fix, we stick through the lows with the expectation of the high. (the best thing about it is i realized that i shouldnt feel like this way in love ever, or ever again. but yea it can get pretty addicting. hahah)
With this kind of love, trying to make it work becomes more important than whether it actually should. (and i promised myself that if that ever happened to me again, i would run a mile. and i also ran MANY miles. haha) 
It’s the love that we wished was right.
And the third is the love we never see coming. The one that usually looks all wrong for us and that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is supposed to be. This is the love that comes so easy it doesn’t seem possible. It’s the kind where the connection can’t be explained and knocks us off our feet because we never planned for it.
This is the love where we come together with someone and it just fits—there aren’t any ideal expectations about how each person should be acting, nor is there pressure to become someone other than we are.
We are just simply accepted for who we are already—and it shakes to our core.
It isn’t what we envisioned our love would look like, nor does it abide by the rules that we had hoped to play it safe by. But still it shatters our preconceived notions and shows us that love doesn’t have to be how we thought in order to be true.
This is the love that keeps knocking on our door regardless of how long it takes us to answer.
It’s the love that just feels right.
Maybe the reality is we need to truly learn what love isn’t before we can grasp what it is.
Possibly we need a whole lifetime to learn each lesson, or maybe, if we’re lucky, it only takes a few years.
Perhaps it’s not about if we are ever ready for love, but if love is ready for us.
But I kinda think that those who make it to their third love are really the lucky ones.
They are the ones who are tired of having to try and whose broken hearts lay beating in front of them wondering if there is just something inherently wrong with how they love.
But there’s not; it’s just a matter of if their partner loves in the same way they do or not.
Just because it has never worked out before doesn’t mean that it won’t work out now.
We can choose to stay with our second under the belief that if we don’t have to fight for it, then it’s not worth having—or we can make the choice to believe in the third love.
The one that feels like home without any rationale; the love that isn’t like a storm—but rather the quiet peace of the night after.
The one we never see coming.
The one that actually lasts.
The one that shows us why it never worked out before.
And it’s that possibility that makes trying again always worthwhile, because the truth is you never know when you’ll stumble into love.
“You found parts of me I didn’t know existed and in you I found a love I no longer believed was real.” ~ Unknown
so beautiful! though i doubt i'll ever find this magical third love. my current obsession is that i will go to NEPAL and practice medicine in the himalayas!! so maybe its good after all not to have found that magical third love. great. 
and on another note, it occured to me that no matter what age i am and no matter how evolved i am, i am still capable of losing my logicalness (haha what logicalness) and saying and doing stupid things when it comes to certain individuals. or maybe i shld make that singular. haha. my brain is saying NO NO NO RUN  but sometimes you CAN'T RUN. i guess my second love taught me alot about running. great, thank you. running is good. if you run far far away, you stop yourself from saying and doing silly things that you regret +++. in my less evolved state, i used to just DO AND SAY  those things. omg. control yo. good things abt being 27! 
on yet another note, i have been drooling over marathons but really havent literally run for nearly half a year! WILL RUN AFTER EXAMSSS
okay plan for today is RESPI PHYSIO and all of anat
ok i think we can start with TRIGEMINAL NERVE and FACIAL NERVE. sounds high yield
studying microb and ulnar nerve with the light of my phone off a weedy mobile data stream at 3am made me feel like those scholars in ancient times studying over candlelight in winter ahaha


Friday, December 2, 2016

jungfrau marathon!!



SUCH A HAPPY SONG
i keep on running, keep keep on running, to the top (top)
i never stop

in the first light of dawn
i put my sneakers on
i got a long way to go

i see the sun's shining on my way
and it makes me wanna pray- and i say hey

and such a lovely vid. see lots of happy faces mostly speaking german, which i dont understand, but i surmise they are saying what a great run they had? hahah logically.

omg i want to go for this run STAT

although i havent run for about uh, four months minimum. oops.
couch potato to 5k training plans anyone??

random notes to self

by the time i turn 40 years old i wanna run the jungfrau marathon, eiger ultratrail and the zermatt marathon
yeah!!



ok back to regular programming ie: ANATOMY AND THE CARDIAC CYCLE

Thursday, December 1, 2016

thankful

6 months more of emergency medicine at my first choice hospital!!!

God is really really good, that is all i can say. 

i dont know if i can go on looong overseas adventure treks in this six months coz there is sooo much going on. (despite having planned a trip to the land of fire and ice since 2015. oh well) but maybe at least one week for an overseas conference? *hopes* haha. 

actually despite not having an overseas holiday, i am VERY VERY GRATEFUL for this opportunity to prove myself. this opportunity may not come again, so i resolve to do my best. as this is my second emed posting, i think i no longer can hide behind the veil of noobneSS sadly, and expectations are probably higher. oh no! but I'M UP FOR IT. first i survived CE, then i survived the switch to adult emed. these were NOT EASY trust me. now i can survive being a good emed mo!! yeahhhhh. i am also very grateful to all who encouraged me to apply for residency this year just to throw my name into the ring despite my extreme newbie status, because i think it makes me work harder to prove myself. 

so this is just to conclude that today i am SUPER happy
thank you God!!! i will do my best!!!

Monday, November 21, 2016

thankyou

sigh, today is over and i have not finished my paper!!! argh. oh well. will try again tomorrow i guess. i did give it a good shot.



lovely song.

on a random note, looking back on everything, i guess it's not that you weren't a good person, oh no. it's just that everything i am is everything that you wouldn't want in a partner. oh well. it's good to put all the past behind one haha. and i am glad to have found people who love me for who i am. even though there are always timings that are off and there are always people who arent meant for you no matter how much you might want them to be (isn't there always?!), even though for some people it's way too latte. at least they loved me for who i am. and i am using the word love in a generic fashion comprising platonic and non platonic love. like how i love my cg mates but contrary to rumors not in that waY HAHA. like at least they laugh at my jokes. lol.

but then again, people who walk in and out of our lives make us who we are. like m. without m i really dont know if i would have passed mbbs all those years ago! altho pple say stuff bout him but it's really true. i think they wouldnt understand unless they were in that particular situation themselves. i don't know either why every now and then you float up in my consciousness haha. i guess it was a very big part of my life. because letting go was also a big part of the miracle, i dont think i can ever extricate that from my memory. everytime i look back on the past, reminisce on how God saved me, i can't run away from that door closing. but with each passing year, as God gives me more and more blessings and showers me with his comfort and joy, i realize that that was just the first out of many doors to close, designed to teach me that when all the doors start closing, that's when God will start opening windows for the rainbows to pour in

so it's not a sad thing, its decidedly a happy thing. although i did literally drag myself away from the first major door closing in my life, the next few doors were much easier. i guess it was made much much sweeter by meeting awesome people who believed in me

that brings me to my research. i really dont want to let down people who believed in me. i dont know why they believed in me, but they did. so i must do better :)

i dont know what im trying to say here. i guess that this was actually the EASIER road, not the harder one? follow God, he always knows the best way. the way our heart leads, even if it wants it with all one's might, is not really always the right way. i followed that road alllll this way and i landed up in the right place finally :) thank God. i think i realized it that night shift.

haha. most of my life realizations seem to be on night shifts/ post night shifts.
GUESS WHAT, past self, GOOD THINGS DO HAPPEN AFTER 2AM (this goes contrary to what i learnt from how i met ur mother. pwahaha)

okay hope i survive this airway course tmr! go go

Sunday, November 20, 2016

underthestars

must finish paper todayyyy. arghhh

reading thru old emails never fails to make me feel encouraged. good that my 27 year old self is somewhat more hardened and mature than my 20 yr old self LOL. but then again, i guess we need to go thru all that angst in order to get hardened in the first place.

i used to honestly truly think that someone would come up on a white horse, or God would drop somebody from the sky, ok metaphorically i mean heh. nowadays as i plan my drswithoutborders ambitions (my boss on night shift as we traded resus stories "will your mother even let you go?!! hahahaha so astute), i realize increasingly that having a guy and having cute kids is something that i honestly dont really care about. i guess its all abt where you place all your happiness on. haha.

ok. MUST DO RESEARCH. must get into residency. must qualify for a seat on that plane SOMEHOW. i give myself 8 years!! that puts me at 35, good age to go :):)



days when i was in young love wahahahaha it seems so long ago. i cant believe that i could have believed those things, i must have been mad

if i cld go back in time, i wld tell my younger self these things
1) IT'S TRULY GOING TO BE OKAY
2) dont bother falling in love with anyone because years from now, you will barely remember them, let alone talk to them. so not really much point there. if you still want to go ahead, you must be insane. you want to know how it's gonna turn out? THIS IS YOUR ANSWER YO. there are so many other cool things you can be doing with your life. trust me. remember the pride and prejudice quote "WHAT ARE MEN TO MOUNTAINS". remember this well
3) live in the er. like do all your electives there, do nonstop nightshifts there!!! i really really wish i had done that haha.

Saturday, November 19, 2016

already there

survived my journalclub presentation!

aims for this weekend
1) RESEARCH
- paper
- emails
- more lit r/v
2) STUDY
- do at least 20mcqs/ day
- watch at least 2 online vids
- finish up teachmeanatomy for the leg


another inspiring youtube vid

"Already There" - casting crowns

From where I'm standing
Lord it's so hard for me to see
Where this is going
And where You're leading me
I wish I knew how
All my fears and all my questions
Are gonna play out
In a world I can't control

When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side

From where You're standing
Lord, You see a grand design
That You imagined
When You breathed me into life
And all the chaos
Comes together in Your hands
Like a masterpiece
Of Your picture perfect plan

One day I'll stand before You
And look back on the life I've lived
I can't wait to enjoy the view
And see how all the pieces fit
You are already there
~

this quota thing makes me a lil depressed since i already know i CAN'T hit the quota. if they use the quota to decide residency, then its a no brainer really. buT! one year of being a paeds mo taught me (well apart from NEVER TRUST ANYONE, check EVERYTHING yourself, literally everything), that i prefer to ask if i'm not sure abt something that to stay awake all night wondering if i did the right thing. so yessss i may be a lil slow but at least i know i'm safe. and i think the numbers can only go up not down, so if i ever get posted back to this dept (the big computer in the sky willing), i resolve to do my best!! i will NOT go home until i see 10pts/shift. nopes. even if i need to stay back 3 hrs (yea i guess i really do see one pt/hr sighhh). of course if i go back again the quota would be 14. HAHA. well one step at a time. i'd be really happy if i got to go back, and i guess as time goes by and i get better at this, i'd probably get faster at it too. hahahaah.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

now i know

had a really splendid confession the other day. literally mind blowing. i really have no way to describe it but that warm feeling is something i will remember for a long time.

writing it down here just incase i forget that beautiful memory haha

really amazing how God can use others to touch our lives and bring us back to Him
i was really stunned speechless when i realized how God had worked in our lives. literally stunned speechless

to father A who made my day, maybe my week or month even, THANK YOU so much. i was not expecting much just a routine thing to tick off some boxes, but instead my eyes were opened and i saw again

anyway whilst sitting in the waiting area the mass was going on outside and i heard father m talking about how he encourages students taking exams to think off all the fun things they can do after the exam haha!

so this is my list of what i wanna do
- CROSSFIT
- gym at my homeground ff
- watch fantastic beasts
- take part in a plain vanilla bakery cooking class. looks super yums
- plan amazing holidays

YEAH I CAN DO THIS

on another note, i really dont think im going to pass this exam. its just gonna be a really expensive anatomy mock exam at the rate im going. sobs. plus research and this journal club on headache which is literally giving me a headache.

but then again i guess being busy is good. and to spend this chillax posting doing exams and research is a BRILLIANT IDEA. since er if i dont even have time to study as much as i would like to with ALL these glorious off days, i think in the busy hospital, NO CHANCE EITHER.

so hopefully i will be able to cram enough anatomy last min. HAHA. i wish.

this video combines my two loves: crossfit and korean stuff. and it's hilarious haha
#crossfit obsession


lovely song by one of my fav singers


ok on the bright side, the research is (sort of) chugging along, my journal club is 85% prepared
now i just need to mug my frcem for the day and chillax in prep for the busy shift tmr.

Sunday, November 13, 2016

crossfit chronicles #2

2nd crossfit fundamentals today was AWESOME

although, very long HAHA. i kid you not. 4hrs of crossfit. tomorrow the muscle soreness is totally going to hit me

whether i sign up for crossfit or not, i really loved trying out all the stuff i always read abt online and watch youtube vids of. and the trainer was great at making me do stuff i didnt dare to do and thinking up progressions for me. e.g dropping 25kg weight from a squat position (super scary!!), pullups with bands, knees to chest instead of toes to bar, jumping on top of a 20inch pylo box haha. i think a lot of it is the fear component. and i got to try out muscle ups and handstand push ups!! which of course, i couldn't do, duh, i knew that already, but at least now i know how i can work on the progressions to get there one day! that said, altho i love crossfit, i dont really think it jives too well with my lifestyle (where i eat/sleep/work and am permanently sleep and coffee deprived). i might well end up falling on my nose and sitting in p3 for 8 hours with "went for crossfit class. now complains of nose pain after falling onto nose. denies any loc".

today's WOD!
(note, done after nearly 3hrs of learning all the crossfit movements/ muscle ups/ handstandpushups, this is pretty brutal. if done fresh, it might not be that brutal. i wouldnt know, will try it out fresh someday on my ff homeground hehe)

5 rounds for time of
- rowing for 20 calories
- 10 kettlebell swings 16/8 (i used the 8kg option)
- 5 toes to bar/ knees to chest 
cap 20 mins
i did it in ~17mins :)

oh well, twas fun and awesome

for the next week, i need to juggle shifts (thankfully with many off days) with:
research 
paper for my previous research
preparing journal club presentation
mugging for frcem



Friday, November 11, 2016

fighting for You

had a really nice shift at the busy hosp ytd! it literally felt like i never left haha. people thought i'd just gone on leave which is why they didnt see me for a week (which is not wrong, i did take leave hahah). one of the things i love abt that place is that in the middle of all the controlled chaos and crazyness, there are still lovely people who are nice DESPITE the high stress levels. it's really amazing how they manage to do that!! the quota still stresses me out tho, nothing's changeD there. 

research is shaping up to be really exciting too! the feeling that you're into something greater than yourself, that you can help to actually change things (not one patient at a time and not-quite meeting the crazy quota, but manyy people at a time) is really a humbling thought. i dont know how i got the idea to approach my current research mentor but he is AWESOME. thank you God for leading me to him, having a good mentor makes a huge difference!! of course alot depends on oneself too which, i resolve to do better haha. 




I see the tears on your face 
I watch your friends walk away
(Oh) I've been there too, I've been there too
I see the nights you can't sleep,
I hear your broken heart beat
Well I've felt that too, yeah I've felt that too


Start walking with your head held high
The future is bright heaven's gates are open wide
Every trouble that you ever walk through
Peace my child I am, I am, 
I am fighting for you
I am fighting for you


Tell me you're a lost cause and maybe you're too far gone
Oh that's not true yeah that's not true

~

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:28-31

possibly the most comforting + encouraging words of ALL TIME

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

analysis of my one week leave

LOL i think too much research/ reading journal articles "analysis of effects of bla bla blah"

it's been good! despite my exercise induced myalgia and my urti from an unknown virus, as well as my headache 2' viral illness and now currently my extreme sleepiness 2' last minute procrastination, all in all, i did quite a bit of studying - probably watched 7 video lectures and did >100 qns, managed to gym ONCE (ie crossfit), went swimming for the first time in ages, had a very nice mass and felt God's presence very comfortingly, managed to tell who i now realized was the first person to actually believe in me that i now understood what he told me all those years ago when he said to find a place where God needs people to work most, when trying to find out which specialty to apply for. did ALOT on the research front. drafted one paper and got started on meetings for the next research.

so much effiency. now i'm just going to chillax before my anticipatedly crazy shift at the busy hospital cm.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

all that matters

8th November: All that Matters

One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to inquire in his temple. Psalm 27:4


Conflicting claims readily crowd out essential ones. A crowd of patients with trivial problems may cause us to neglect the seriously ill. It is easy to be too busy in medicine. The work is important, interesting and rewarding. It may be easy to justify doing the job that presents itself, to deal with the urgent at the expense of the important, and to overlook the doctor's own need for times of relaxation.


The achievers in any discipline are the single-minded, and the Christian is told to do whatever he does wholeheartedly. But in the possible tension between God's claims and those which are professional, the greater danger is that God may be crowded out.


Running through all the demands of today -- all my plans for tomorrow in clinical work: further diplomas; job prospects; domestic cares; leisure pursuits -- it should still be possible to step on one side to remind myself that one thing only really matters. All these other things are ephemeral. `The things that are seen are transient, but the things that are not seen are eternal' (2 Cor 4:18).


Sir Thomas More, in the midst of his high affairs of state, protested `I neither could nor would rule my king...but there's a little... little... area... where I must rule myself. It's a very little -- less to him than a tennis court'.


Thomas Brooke has written:


`If God be thy portion, there is no condition that can make thee miserable: if God be not thy portion, there is no condition that can make thee happy. If God be not thy portion, in the midst of thy sufficiency thou will be in straits. O sirs, it is not absolutely necessary that you should have this or that earthly portion, but it is absolutely necessary that you should have God'.

Monday, November 7, 2016

pandas



new fav choreographer = bongyong park

it will rain



mesmerizinG
wish i could dance like this!!!

the ocean



the awesomeness of one million dance studios!!

You can be my guiding light
That's all I need
All I want
Is for you to stay a little longer now

all i wanna do

pre night shift thoughts
1. muscles i dont know the names of are aching. the problem is that in december i will be taking an exam in which i NEED to know the names of these muscles!!!

cooling down post crossfit
instructor: ok guys so now just hang from the bar and stretch your shoulders *demonstrates* 
my internal thoughts *hmmm the possible brachial pleuxus injuries are... OOH i should go home and draw out the brachial plexuses all pretty with colorful marker pens!*

haha honestly i would LOVE to do crossfit long term. but i dont think its sustainable to be SO wiped post workout. it feels great but just not commensurate with my job sadly. like how i dont really dare to do bodypump pre night, i dont think i would dare to crossfit in the morning prenight either HAHA. of course, it depends which hospital you work in and how xiong the nights are, and this two months is a good time to try out crossfit. 

OKAY research gogogo

Sunday, November 6, 2016

dont forget

today was a really good mass. just wanted to remember that moment forever.

i really think God was present at that mass, today.

i mean, he's always there, but today it was more obvious than usual :)

back to normal life now~ and brainfog when writing papers. its not a hard paper to write actually just that my urti and massive muscle aches from yesterday are hindering me lol

but i won't forget today's experience

Saturday, November 5, 2016

crossfit chronicles #1

haha so i have been thinking about trying crossfit for AGES

(understatement. i distinctly remember watching the entire crossfit games on youtube)

few mths ago i went for the intro class at this box, and today a happy coincidence of leave and good timings meant i went for the fundamentals class too! 

long story short (three hrs of stretches, weightlifting, pullups, pushups and core work), crossfit is awesome!!!

we did a short intro wod which im sure is really basic but which was killer anywaY. goin to post it up so i can have a record :)

amrap (as many reps as possible in 7mins) of
shoulder press/ push press/ push jerk 

ouchhhh. am totally gonna ache for the next few days. good job on the first gym session in two months being crossfit heh

but i feel reaaaally happy and high now!! 

kinda wish i could sign up for this longterm. but i dont know if my scheduling permits??? 

Friday, November 4, 2016

sugar overload

https://www.instagram.com/candyanatomy/

HAHA this cheered me up IMMENSELY

this is the stuff

woke up today with sore throat +++ and decidedly on the wrong side of the bed

HOWEVER, i also woke up to two emails from each of my research mentors, and home cooked tteokbokki!

small mercies keep us goin'
~
"Future"

Overwhelmed by my tomorrows
What’s ahead I’ll never know
But I believe that You are for me
And you won’t leave me alone

I find peace and I find comfort
In the One who knows the way
You have overcome my every struggle
The God who holds my days

All along You’re right beside me
Your love it keeps me safe


Thursday, November 3, 2016

one step away

"One Step Away"

What if you could go back and relive one day of your life all over again
And unmake the mistake that left you a million miles away
From the you, you once knew
Now yesterday's shame keeps saying that you'll never get back on track
But what if I told you…

You're one step away from surrender
One step away from coming home, coming home
One step from arms wide open
His love has never let you go
You're not alone
You're one step away

It doesn't matter how far you've gone
Mercy says you don't have to keep running down the road you're on
Love's never met a lost cause
Your shame, lay it down
Leave your ghosts in the past ‘cause you know that you can't go back
But you can turn around

Lay down, lay down your old chains
Come now, and take up your new name
Your best life up ahead now
You're just one step away

~
sometimes your inner cheerleader gets rhabdomyolysis and cant go on anymore
sometimes when you're the only one shouting into a void, you get pharyngitis
sometimes everyone elses' negativity gets you down eventually after much persistance. great persistence. good job guys, i'm now persuaded that this life sucks. to my inner cheerleader, i'm really sorry. i tried to fight it but i guess when life tells you NONSTOP,its really hard to ignore it. 

i cant and dont pretend this life is perfect
i can keep on trying to live it
glowing in the dark is not easy, when the batteries run out

but this i know
it is when we are at our lowest point, God will always be there
he might drag us awhile 
so when we look back on our lives, we might see a long groove in the snow rather than two sets of footprints

BUT IT'S OKAY. 
that's perfectly fine
~

Here I am, all my intentions
All my obsessions, I wanna lay them all down
In Your hands, only Your love is vital
Though I’m not entitled
Still You call me Your child

God, You don’t need me, but somehow You want me
Oh, how You love me, somehow that frees me
To take my hands off of my life and the way it should go
Oh, God, You don’t need me, but somehow You want me
Oh, how You love me, somehow that frees me
To open my hands up and give You control
I give You control

I’ve had plans shattered and broken
Things I have hoped in, fall through my hands
You have plans to redeem and restore me
You’re behind and before me
Oh, help me believe

~

haha on a random note, leave really gives me too much time to think. i miss the days of CRAZYLONG queues, crazy things happening everyday, pushing pts to resus, doing t&s for people who are intoxicated, calling hand for crazy lacerations. i guess being busy and seeing fun stuff makes me happy. duH. 

well that gives me inspiration! to get over this stumbling block called LIFE and NAYSAYERS and PESSIMISM. i need to get back there, to the best place on earth. i need to be better when i get back too. 2 more months and here's hoping that God will give me that much longed for posting. please God, please help me with the big computer in the sky. love, me. 

ps: thank you for giving me this posting in the first place. thank you for pushing me out of my comfort zone into a place where you knew i would be happy.

isnt it funny how we make plans, but God's plan, even though it may not be what we originally intended, is MUCH better and perfecter than ours? 

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

learning




"Learning"

I know that fear is a liar
A thief breaking into my heart
He tries to steal all my fire
And shut me down before I even start, yeah

I know I can take it everyday
If there's a way you will make it
I won't be afraid
'cause I be like

Yeah...
Whatever comes my way
I'm not turning back
Yeah....
I know your love won't leave
So I won't worry 'cause
If I fall I win every time I get up again
Yeah....
'cause I can't lose, if I keep learning
I'm learning, I'm learning
I'm learning, I'm learning

Let them shout from the bleachers
Every time I don't get it right
I know my failure is my teacher
And I'm still here in the fight
~

i survived this posting!!! thank You God. :) most fun and enjoyable posting EVER. may i have many many more months of a&e experience to come, and may we continue to do Your Will.

i know that i can take it everyday/ if there's a way You will make it

Sunday, October 30, 2016

nothing is wasted

"I Will Rise Again"

I will rise, I will rise
I will rise, I will rise

It was like somebody knew how to cripple me
with the perfect plan to break my belief
Take me piece by piece till my faith was all but gone

It knocked me down so far that I couldn't get up 
but face down in the dirt I heard the voice of love 
saying do not fear, you won't be here for long

I will rise again, I will rise again
I believe I believe that I had to break
So love could make me whole 
But I will rise again, stronger in the end
I believe I believe in a brand new day
A love that saves so I can say
I will rise again

I'm not who I was, You won't recognize me
Love came down and redefined me
And piece by piece put me back together differently 

And the perfect plan to try to bring me down
Has been put to shame it's been turned around
as I come so alive that death is afraid of me

Cause you've been here before
You've overcome the war
My life is found in yours
And you say I will rise again
You heal and you restore
You break down every door
My life is found in yours
And you say I will rise again
~
It's from the deepest wounds
That beauty finds a place to bloom 
And you will see before the end
That every broken piece is
Gathered in the heart of Jesus
And what's lost will be found again

~
I LOVE this chorus.
i believe i believe that i had to break/ so love could make me whole

never fails to cheer me up.

there are so many things in this world that can break us. just when id thought id conquered all my personal battles, then new things crop up. its like playing minecraft in real life and darkness keeps coming within minutes before you can find a shelter to hide. you keep resetting your lives and it keeps on repeating lol. seriously. the more i live this life, the more i am convinced that we CANNOT let them break us.

NEVERTHELESS, as this year/ posting draws to a close, what strikes me is that this year is about God opening windows when all the doors are closed. about light in the middle of darkness. about God making all things beautiful, even when all seems lost. basically best exemplified in all of jason gray's songs haha. that when it's dark all around, there is a way to see in the dark. even when everything doesn't make sense, God will help you somehow, in some way, to glow in the dark. i think that's the most comforting thing about it all. knowing that even at your lowest point, God will come and save you.

i wish i could transmit this absolute faith in God to everyone i love too but, i guess, sadly as im obviously less than perfect in my own life, its a little difficult convincing others unless you yourself are the embodiment of sth. OH WELL. i guess since i honestly never had much expectations for myself, its a little easier for me to give up, coz i have less to give up? i can always say to myself that at least im better than myself ten years ago, and truly believe it. HAHA. love truly did put me back together differently. i dont even think i can count how many times i've been broken over the years.

 at least i can replay jason gray's songs over and over again. absolute playlist of joy and hope.
"i found joy that was hidden for all these yrs
love overflowing to wash over everything
hope runnin over when i let go
here at the end of me"

maybe part two is how to live my life in a way that i can make others believe too. just a thought?

anyway had the CRAZIEST NIGHT with c. i saw 17 pts and he 16. we both left at 9+am. omg. the morning con was really horrified to see me leaving the mo room at 10am (waiting for my ride home hahah). i had the thought somewhere at 3am that it was pretty funny that our 30 waiting patients were all depending on whatever our med sch tutors had taught us years ago, but i guess c has 2+ years of residency in which he learnt a lot of useful stuff too HAHA i want that experience!! i truly think it can make me a much better doctor. oh well, God willing, one day maybe?

two more shifts! i can do this!!!

Friday, October 28, 2016

with God you know that anything's possible



this youtube video popped up on my feed and made me smile

"Giants Fall"

Everyone's telling you
To let go of what you're holding to
It's too late, too far
You're too small, it's too hard
Throwing water on that spark
Living deep inside your heart
With oceans of reasons
The things you're not seeing
But oh, maybe they don't
Know what you know
That you're not alone

[Chorus:]
Don't you be afraid
Of giants in your way
With God you know that anything's possible
So step into the fight
He's right there by your side
The stones inside your hand might be small
But watch the giants fall

We could really live like this
Can't you imagine it
So bold, so brave
With childlike faith
Miracles could happen
Mountains would start moving
So whatever you may face

[Chorus]

Ask and believe
You're gonna see
The hand of God in every little thing

[Chorus]

Miracles can happen
Anything is possible
Watch the giants fall

~

lots of events have been happening & truth be told, sometimes it gets a little hard to believe. sometimes, no most of the time, my inner cheerleader gets fatigued from continously repeating "it's going to be ok. God is going to save us".

i honestly do think that the only way to keep on going is to believe. if you dont believe, it's very hard to keep on putting one foot in front of the other. to believe that no matter what, the sun is going to rise. that no matter how long the drought, God will send some rain.

a few more shifts in the busy hospital, then i can focus on research + exams.

i am as always grateful for so many things - my supervisor and her kind comments that really made my day on a busy shift where i left a few hrs later than i was supposed to. friends new and old - its fun having c in the same dept and great that i can ask him for advice. and post evening shift chillaxing at cheers haha. the boundless kindness of dr j - for which i literally dont think i can ever thank him enough. that the past two months have been relatively smooth despite the fact that i havent done adult med for a year, and before that i was a ho - this is the first time ive had to make my own independent decisions in adult med and luckily enough, good habits like always asking for advice if sth niggles at you or you arent sure, as well as transferable skills, saw me through. and God's grace.

for the exciting times, all the pushing patients to resus, the bleeds, the massive haemetemesises and the massives haemoptyses. calling cts for ecmo. for the nurses who help me save my dinner/ share their food with me when i miss the dinner timing/ share their excitement at work with me.
me "wah today busy ah" (an UNDERSTATEMENT btw)
nurse "i know, but exciting right"

other memorable instances
me *puts file into nurses action slot*
nurse " Dr E, why are you so fast"
me " HAHAHAHA that's literally the first time in my life someone has said that to me
nurse "really ah. first time ever?!"

i walk into fever for a shift
nurse "dr e! heng ah"
me "hahahaha ok i hope i live up to that tonight"

for the record i survived that shift ;p
ok, off to sleep prenight. it's FRIDAY NIGHT. good luck to us allll haha


what if i gave everything

DEAR JESUS,
When I feel hopeless and desperate, give me the Grace and Trust that you will rescue me and bring me to safety..
Amen



"The Lord will rescue me ... " - 2 Timothy 4:6-8,16-18

cutest picture ever!!

life is sooo busy now
- research
- shifts
- crossfit fundamentals coming up :):)
- exam mugging :):)


Thursday, October 20, 2016

i will rise again

the good thing abt a day off is... it is a day off! the bad thing is there is SO much time to think, sometimes u dont really want to think too much

everything always has two sides of it

my idealistic side says: i am finally doing God's will, doing good work everyday, doing what i signed up for when i signed up for med school. and if i keep on this road, one day i can join doctors without borders/ go to africa for that AWESOME sounding trauma elective YEAH game face on each shift, i've got this!!

and sometimes the voice of doubt creeps in. i dont think i need to specify what it says.

after nearly twenty seven years of life, taking stock of my life, i guess at least i can do what i love everyday. even after all the ups and downs through the years, i didn't lose my God. through goodness knows how many rejections, both personal and professional, ok i might have occasionally lost my cool (when younger haha), but not my God

i believed in God through it all. even now, what gets me through the day is the unyielding belief that i can do this! God is going to help me! to be perfectly honest, i do not know why i have this firm and unshakeable belief. partly becos if i dont cling on to that belief, i think it's very hard to live

i can't live this life with the hope that one day i will be qualified enough to join drs without borders - the other day i was just told that i'm too slow, BY MY HERO. went to pour out my heartbreak to d who said "to be fair, in a warzone..." thanks ah. haha.

i think i do believe that it's going to be okay. the past 3.5 months have literally been lifechanging. apart from that one day that i was told i was slow by my hero (and was really heartbroken, just for the record), i've been surviving. even tho i just joined the world of adult med and a really busy posting, thanks to God's grace, i was able to hit the ground running. i have NEVER been able to do that. its a combination of transferable skills from my previous posting and good training in the first 2mths. it's really... i have no other way to describe this 3.5 months other than a constant outpouring of God's grace & the puzzle pieces of my life falling into place.

i guess it's just that i am scared. i am scared that i am over-mythologising it and that it's not it. but it seems all so perfect! it all makes perfect sense to me now!

sometimes, acknowledging that you have flaws and areas to improve, acknowledging that you are scared, is the first step. talking through it helps me see more clearly. it's not the voice of realism seeding doubt in me, it's the voice of doubt.

i dont listen to voices of doubt. i believe that my God will turn my darkness into light.

i believe that everything i have gone thru this 27 years is for a reason. every naysayer, every person that doubted me, just makes me that much stronger.

i'm going to do this!! there is no other option. THIS IS IT. it's going to work out, i'm going to make it work out. coming this far already is a miracle. God would never bring me this far and then abandon me.  it's not really about things and accomplishments. i can't live a life based on the hope that five years from now i can qualify for a seat on that plane (although i would love to...). i can live this life, believing that God can bless even each and every mundane day (although in emed life is hardly ever mundane. HAHA. which is why i love it.)

God put a million million doors in the world
for his love to walk through

Saturday, October 15, 2016

i did not want love from you/ marshmello



loving this jam

~

life has been interesting lately. going into this, i didnt expect much coz i expected myself to be really noob. but surprisingly towards the end of sept i realized i was getting into the swing of things & getting better at p3. however this mth has been alot of p2 shifts. so basically back to square one. resus shift was also very exciting but very humbling. nurses kept coming to me and telling me "eh today ur resus shift very exciting leh" HAHA thanks.

it's always a balance to see pts fast and also to do the right thing.its very very hard. but i will keep trying!

it was a bit heartbreaking the other day having a healthy dose of realism tempering my irrepressible enthusiastic idealism. but that doesnt mean i can't be a good doctor, that doesnt mean i can't keep trying my best. even if my best doesnt match up to other people's best, i'm okay as long as i am better than each of my yesterdays. dreams are just that - dreams. if we can or can't ever be qualified for that seat on that plane, maybe there is a reason why?

on a brighter note, mugging anatomy for exams is quite fun. reminds me of how much i loved it in med sch. except that i can't rmb any of it now OMG.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

i have this hope



"I Have This Hope"

As I walk this great unknown
Questions come and questions go
Was there purpose for the pain?
Did I cry these tears in vain?

I don't want to live in fear
I want to trust that You are near
Trust Your grace can be seen
In both triumph and tragedy

I have this hope
In the depth of my soul
In the flood or the fire
You're with me and You won't let go

But sometimes my faith feels thin
Like the night will never end
Will You catch every tear
Or will You just leave me here?

So, whatever happens I will not be afraid
Cause You are closer than this breath that I take
You calm the storm when I hear You call my name
I still believe that one day I'll see Your face

~

Here I am
All my intentions 
All my obsessions 
I want to lay them all down 
In Your hands 
Only Your love is vital
Though I'm not entitled
Still You call me Your child

Oh how You love me
Somehow that frees me
To take my hands off of my life
And the way it should go

I've had plans
Shattered and broken
Things I have hoped in
Fall through my hands
You have plans
To redeem and restore me
You're behind and before me
Oh help me believe


Friday, October 7, 2016

i'm never gonna do it alone



"Identity"

I’ve been looking from the outside, outside
I’ve been walking on a straight line, straight line
Scared to let the world see my failures, who I am, or who I’ve been

I’ve been waiting for somebody else to
Take the chance that I am so afraid to
I don’t know how to find myself am I the only one the only one

Oh I wanna feel You move me like a river running through me
I am so tired of trying to prove it 
I’m never gonna do it alone
God I need You to be my identity

It’s always easier to hide behind that
Camouflage that keeps our hearts so guarded
But there’s no shame when we surrender everything to You
Everything to You
~

had a very unsatisfying shift ytd. where i handed over 3 cases where i really wanted to do more but its not like i cld sit there for hours more waiting for a more clear disposition for the pt. nothing was wrong with my management but i just wanted to find a clear disposition, before i handed them over. its not usually like that, ive ended up staying back 3hrs post shift and settling all my pts before going before, not by choice but it just happened like that haha. but then the good thing? i guess abt emed is the part of handing over and going home. hmmm i think there are days when it works out well and days when it doesnt. some of the pts were handed over to me too, so not entirely my fault in that i was just a messenger for what needed to be done. RAHHH.

it's okay, every shift that isnt perfect just reminds me of how much more i need to improve.

maybe God wanted me to do this posting to learn how to set plugs. HAHA. entirely possible considering the exponential improvement in my plug setting skills.

looking back on my life, i dont think i cld have done this posting at any other point in my life. without ce, i would never have dared to do t&s or m&r, and i also didnt have a clue how to do backslabs. despite learning some of these things in med sch, i think u just have to do it hands on a couple of times before gaining confidence in it. SO it worked out well. i just need to keep on levelling up. that's the point of this one year right? to level up. YEAH i can do it!

watching a really nice drama now called drinking solo, about korean students studying for the civil service exam. even though i'm obviously not studying for the korean civil service exam, and exams nowadays dont for me involve studying all day (more of snatches of mcqs during rare free time and watching online lectures), i totally remember how i used to clear my room/ the house/ do EVERYTHING but study in the student days hahahaha and study while eating too. omg totally hits home for me. and how they just keep trying year after year to pass the exam. think it's really nice that a drama depicts their daily lives and struggles so accurately, rather than just being another sugarcoating girl meets boy kinda story, it really does portray actual human life. who says my life is not like a korean drama HUH haha.

on a more serious note, something i really did learn from all this kdrama/ korean variety show watching is that if some part is lacking, you can just do your darndest to fix the part that is lacking. i guess technically once you fix all the parts that are lacking, you can go up one level

and on a separate note, to my friend who just sold me the mcem books, THANK YOU SO MUCH. you have no idea how inspiring the books are. i really dont know what i did to deserve this kindness, but the books are awesome. thank you!!!

Thursday, October 6, 2016

heartbeat

good stuff from http://www.desiringgod.org
" Have you ever longed for something you don’t have? Like never before, we can see what almost anyone has in all its jealousy-inducing glory.

We want, but we do not have. We work hard for it, but it is still escapes us.

“This Really Isn’t Fair”

After wallowing around in my self-pity over what God was not giving me, I was confronted by the words of Psalm 73.

Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (Psalm 73:25–26)
It’s a good passage, and a sweetly memorable one, but it comes after much struggle, after a lot of wrestling. It is born out of emotional pain.

This passage is the climax of the entire psalm, but a lot has to happen before he can get to that high point. The psalmist comes to see God as his portion only after he sees the abundant portion of the wicked and wonders why it’s not his, too. We all struggle at some point with comparison and jealousy. Psalm 73 shows us a better way to process the seeming injustice.

How Do You Respond?

Those of us who struggle with responding to life’s difficulties should be encouraged by the psalmist’s response after seeing injustice and feeling envy. He didn’t burst into praise to God immediately. He began with questioning God’s purposes (Psalm 73:1–2), he recounts how he feels over the injustice of it all (Psalm 73:3–15), and then he takes action.

After he allowed himself to struggle, he begins to see that simply wallowing in the injustice will get him nowhere. It only leads to despair. So he runs to God (Psalm 73:17). It is only here, in God’s presence, that he is able to see himself and the wicked rightly (Psalm 73:17–20).

It is only when he goes to God that he has any perspective on his circumstances. It is only when he looks away from what his eyes can see that he realizes that his envious response will only lead to more despair (Psalm 73:21–22). Left to himself, it’s a bleak picture. But in God’s presence, he can see clearly.

Good to Be Near to God

This new sight and these new feelings lead him to worship. Turning away from what was in front of him, and towards God’s global and unstoppable purposes, helped him not only to praise God, but also to put away the envy that threatened to destroy him (Psalm 73:21–22).

The psalmist ends where we must end when we are riddled with envy, jealousy, bitterness, comparison, and frustration over injustice.

But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works. (Psalm 73:28)
The nearness of the Lord is always for our good. The farther away we are from him, the easier it is to forget that he is on the throne, that he has eternal purposes that cannot be thwarted, and that we are his beloved children. Sometimes it takes great wrestling to get us to the place of seeing him as our portion, but it’s always good for us to get there again.

At first glance, there is so much to envy in our world. But this world is not our home. The final chapter has yet to be written, when we receive fullness of joy face-to-face with our King."

~

a lot to think about in this article.

on one hand, pursuing this path gives me a lot of peace. i never knew, that giving up something could give me so much inmeasurable peace. dont think i'll ever forget that moment in the cab when i realized that God was working the miracle i had always prayed for, truly in a way beyond my imagination or expectation.

this article speaks to me because i used to think exactly in this way. no not in the admirable way the speaker thinks, in the part about wallowing in self-pity haha.

d was giving me some life advice and telling me to write about my Life Changing Experiences in all my applications and i was just like "hm i dont really think a post night epiphany in a taxi means anything to anyone but myself leh"

no dont get me wrong, i'm nowhere near the level of saintliness this article encourages one to reach. i'm probably still in the midst of wrestling with life. but at least it promises some modicum of hope, something one can reach someday.

to be perfectly honest, despite the fact that i really enjoy what i do now, and that i will be eternally grateful for graces and help i have recieved these three months (learning a whole new skill and trying to remember what i learnt 2 yrs ago in med sch is not easy!! plus the fact that i was never good at plug setting and now my daily efficiency basically depends on my plug setting skillz haha), i think one can never really know what God's plan is, or how life is going to turn out, until it actually comes to fruition

i also dont want to make the same mistakes of psyching myself up to love something and thinking that God is calling me to it, when he isn't really.

... ok crap too late. i love it already. oh nooooo. i really hope God is calling me to this. whoops.

siGH that late night conversation was way too thought provoking. i think i shld just have continued sitting in fever googling "things to pack for iceland in winter"

i think what i'm trying to say is that, we can't really conclude what is God's plan until on hindsight. there will always be days where doubt creeps in, when everyone else seems more qualified than you, when the plugs dont go in. on those days, God will always be there. somehow. but on the days that we feel peace in our hearts, we feel like we're in the zone, when work seems like play, when the plugs go in easily, it somehow makes it all okay. that it's okay not to have any great overarching ambition. that it's okay to no longer lead a life full of insecurities and envy for others. that just this day, full of happiness at helping someone, is enough.

'Cause I'm giving up, giving in
Once again a childlike faith
Is my only way
To see in the dark