About Me

Monday, May 30, 2016

crossing borders

the most ethereal song by amber! 

It’s okay it’s okay
I’ll lie and say It’s okay
So far I’ve gone to get to you
It’s okay it’s okay
You see through my hardened face
Trying to see the light
through the rain

Hoping that nothings gone
But still I hold on
this mask is running thin

I know I’m losing my senses
I pray each and every day
For me to stay awake
‘Cause I’m on my own
where are you
It’s too late It’s too late
I’ve been knocked down
I’m done for good
Though there’s no way
I don’t care that I’m losing
I want you here to stay

For you complete me
No more things left to say
I just wanted you to stay

Cause I’m on my own

Sunday, May 29, 2016

wait for me

can't pinpoint when i started to feel rather zzzz about this all exactly although i know that ho yr & baby mo year made me feel more jaded than an antique jade bangle

i think its coz three months ago i was just completely numb to the aftershocks & also the patient load decreased so i was feeling really chillaxed. and so my mental capacities also turned towards learning korean rather than the minutae of pseudopseudohyperparathyroidism or whatevs

remembering the nights i spent in the tutorial room with the residents and being able to answer (correctly) a few of the part 2a qns and feeling accomplished - no wonder i knew so much when i went back to ce this second time haha

nowadays... the mojo isnt really there

at this point in my life, the constant stream of "God has a plan, it's all going to be okay at the end" has all been repeated by my inner cheerleader so many times that it's beginning to lose effect. like how i used to say sorry until it had no meaning anymore. 

& im feeling kinda in limbo at the moment cos i dont know where i'll be posted next few months. really makes me feel like a wandering nomad

until the last few days where i saw some really interesting cases & also my patient reattended and when the kid walked into my room, the mother said happily "it's you again!! so good to see you again!" hahah i was so surprised!! that was really nice of her. usually for reattendances sometimes they walk in and are like EH the other doctor was WRONG then its umm ok awkward way to start off a consult, but hey i was trained on how to talk to pts by dr chiachungking so i can do this!! i mean nothing can beat those 5 mins spent awkwardly talking to aunties and uncles about their lives, their grandchildren, the weather, their hobbies on our first day in the ward right guys? ;p 

all things considered, i'm really happy to have survived my m&m becos i have a little bit of a trauma from the last ward handover presentation i did in which i completely convinced myself that my debate skills do not help one little bit - which defeats the purpose cos in debate you are trained to go up thinking that you are AWESOME and you can pulverize the opp to bits and then when you start speaking you feel no fear at all

but in medicine it's a completely different ball game. you KNOW you are small fry. no pulverizing of anyone except your own ego really haha. plus you really often do know less than the audience on the given topic hahh. ANYWAYS so events of the past week or so aside, i'm really grateful that the con running m&m was such a nice & awesome one :) it really makes such a big difference 


im going on leave sooN! a super much needed break. after that i'll come back and start fighting again. although i have to confess that as time goes by, i dont really know what im fighting for

but maybe one day when i finally come to the end of myself (assuming i haven't already, i think it sure felt like i cant run anymore about a thousand times now), God will finally, finally come through. i wish i could be the girl who hopes in the middle of impossibility but its just that i also dont know what to hope for anymore. i guess i can hope for peace and sanity, that's the most anyone can hope for :)

a lovely song by one of my fav groups!

here's to trying out more new cases and learning new things i've never learnt everyday :) 

Saturday, May 28, 2016

moonlight drawn by clouds

yesterday at 130am driving past the serene center macs that was such a large part of my teenage dreams (literally hahaha) felt abit nostalgic, esp when you consider that i drive past it every night on my way home

the streets that i once looked upon so poetically as 'swimming in a sea of streetlight'; now i am driving one of the 'cars that drift by' omg i cant believe i am quoting my own 16yo poetry. or maybe the unbelievable part is that my 16yo poetry is more mature than my 20yo puns on cooking and laundry, or my 26yo medical puns? more abstract maybe

macs where i used to study with d, both of us dreaming of being doctors (altho at the time we only talked equations and religion, we never really discussed our now obvious one track minded medical obsessions). all those endless phone calls with kevin. all those nights spent at that bus stop writing poetry in my head, watching the smokey trails of the buses and cars

in a way, i am now the captain of my own little vessel on this moonlit sea - there should be some poetic Meaning to it, that i have some element of control over the steering wheel now, rather than sitting there waiting for the last bus, hoping it doesnt pass me by. but the storms are strong and my vessel is a patchwork of tin cans and hope, so who knows

i guess that if anything, at least i managed to row to this point. at least i wasnt alone when fighting the storms & i know i never will be. glad that all those years ago God sent someone help me kinda like nemo & dory hahaha

there are a few more poems percolating in the coffee maker of my mind
will get back to it once im done with my daily grind ;p

Friday, May 27, 2016

because





In the early dawn, I wake up from a dream of you
Your image in the rain drops that fall to the ground completely vanishes
But in the rain puddles, your image is still there
On dark days when I’m lost in my thoughts
Raindrops with your image seem to fall
Whenever I see the stars combined with you
There is an infinite pain
I can never erase it- never empty it
My rain that is buried with the sound of rain
Your back that is leaving to a faraway place


Thursday, May 26, 2016

windy day


survived my first m&m presentation!!

came home to butterflies in a garden full of flowers, lunch + a whole day of bumming. plus m&m inspired poetry. what more could i ask for

~
sometimes you meet people who just shine, even from across the street
sometimes you meet people whom you wish you had never met and if only you could erase them from your memory (sadly you cant, they're etched there forever)
thank you for existing & brightening up my life
thank you for all the help, indelible as it may be
thank you for inspiring the first poem ive written for nearly a year now
let's keep this a happy memory, not the kind you spend years trying your best to forget

Monday, May 23, 2016

when the cherry blossoms fade

stumbled across my old twitter account
LOL at the username, procrastination for the win
some choice selections ;p

Sunday, May 22, 2016

sunday meanderings

one of my bffs just got married!! its really quite a different feeling going to random pple's weddings compared to when its someone you literally grew up with. something that struck me abt the wedding was that all her friends who were helping out in the "flower sweatshop" hahahaha as per one of the groomsmen's toast ;p really did it as a labor of love for her & her groom! that's what made it really beautiful & enjoyable. 

in rg they always used to say that when we all grow up, we'll be so busy and successful that we have noo time to meetup with our rgs friends LOL well definitely busy, dunno abt sucessful & its true that we all rarely meetup. partly cos pple arent in the same countries half the time. but those golden days spent believing that we could be whatever we wanted to be & the friendships forged in those heady days will be remembered forever :) thanks m for letting me be a part of ur wedding prep!! and thank you for making rg so awesome. years ago i remember pre rg i was very very nervous cos its a totally different environment and who knows if id be happy there - i neednt have worried. it was really truly awesome thanks to you, nand, (and the debate team, but i'll save that reminisicing for nic's wedding hee.) 

Friday, May 20, 2016

wherever i go




year of mercy

just had a really good chat with a :)

i think things are starting to make sense now. will this work? who knows, haha. the only way is to try and find out. anyway, there are always Backup planZ.

you never know, God does work in strange ways.

but somehow my heart felt at peace (for the first time in a looooong while) when discussing this plan.

i know even i felt like taking a break from it all for so many months was so silly. like hey i'm a machine i can just keep running & running even without oil or batteries. but you know what, sometimes you need time off to think about what you are really doing & why you are doing it. like are you running on the right trail or have you lost your way?

when i go back to the start of it all: why i wanted to do medicine; and really THINK about it - then i think my answer is crystal clear.

but i dont think that all this time is wasted cos it's really useful experience, i really loved what i was doing for the past year, and also we don't really know how things are going to pan out. only with perfect hindsight then we'll know haha. and who knows whether i'll actually be good at other stuff. lol. but then again, whatever i know about little kids is also painstakingly mugged up, or from endless ward rounds/ reg rounds/ post call rounds/ etc. it's not like i was born knowing these things.

i think what the past 2 years taught me is that if i really put my mind & heart to it, i can pretty much learn anything (be it procedures/ sedating people/ languages) & if i practice it enough, i can be good at it.

& so if i have a chance to really do my starry-eyed eighteen year old self proud & do what she reaaaaally wanted to do with her life, then i should try it.

not because of stories lost in translation that turned out to have been mistranslated, or vague fireworks in a night sky on a winter's day. i dont think we should trust those things.

bring it on, i can do this 

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

gravity


beautiful cover by jessica!

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
Oh, you loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long

~

Invisible in the fog
I have to find myself, yeah
The hope in that small light
Just by thinking about it, you’ll find

When I hold my hand out
To that high place
It feels like I can touch

Days I looked forward to
Are they closer now?
I can draw it in the sky



Monday, May 16, 2016

passing by



The shaking sound of the wind
Shakes up my heart and passes by
Even though I’ve hurt all I could
How much more do I have to hurt
In order to be just fine?
As if it’s nothing
You just pass me by

Even after time and seasons pass
My heart keeps getting colder

But I can’t become cold by myself
Again today, you are
Passing by
Like I’m cut by a sharp knife
You pass me by like that
How much more tears do I have to shed
To get used to being alone?
I don’t even know my own heart (I don’t know you)
So I gave you a hard time (I hurt you a lot)
So I’m just sorry, I’m just thankful
If you leave me, I can’t ever see you again
But I’ll be missing you

Sunday, May 15, 2016

somewhere in between

priorities this year
1) do my best each shift/ call/day :)
2) get something published this year
3) gym errrrr at least once a week HAHA. i already gymmed 2x this week YAY accomplishment

i dont need to put korean on my priority list cos i already squeeze it in, like how i was doing practice topik qns this morning at 1am post shift -_-

things i need to do very soon
- find my singpass account number thingy
- pack the house

things i would love to do
- bake something
- go eat bingsu
- meet up with friends - nic maybe? havent seen her in AGES. maybe nic would like to try bingsu? HAHA

korean books on my wishlist
1) sogang 2b!!! 
2) yonsei vocab and grammar practice for foreigners - saw good reviews about this!

3) yonsei level 2 and level 3 books 
4) omg sogang 3a and 3b books look really pretty. i can't wait to get to that level :) the colors are so pretty. i'm sure the inside contents are great too from all accounts though LOL

mm i think that's all the books i'm lusting for currently
but once i get over this high beginner hurdle and finish the books i CURRENTLY own (including sogang 2a, ewha 1-2 workbook, topik beginner, yonsei reader 2, korean grammar for beginners), then i can start buying the intermediate books! 

ok i really think i should move to korea. HAHA. 
or buy a new bookshelf. think the new bookshelf is more practical. 
on the bright side few weeks ago i saw a korean kid in ce who i had seen before a few months ago! they came for something else and passing by my room they waved happily to me. and talked to me totally in english -_- i also couldnt think of the korean words at that moment lol

out of the wasteland

on a lifehouse kick today! all their songs from their 2015 album out of the wasteland are gemsss
also, points for ts eliot references!!

"Storm"

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface

Everything's alright
Yeah, everything's alright

"Stardust"

I'm on a mission, resuming transmission that checked out for too long
Was put into submission 'til I wrote down it all
But the truth is I cannot be trusted with what's in my head

Wake up and pay my dues 'til I'm blue in the face
Falling in line with the rest 'til I'm out of the race
But I'm losing it over nothing, just clearing space
You can only dance with the darkness when dawn takes place

'Cause we're just a speck in this world and they say "take it or leave it"

Short on stardust, but there's still time
I needed you to hear me out and free me from all my doubts
Now you found me

I can't feel you but there's still time
Yeah, it doesn't mean when I am low
No one's ever been this close, can you hear me?

"Flight"

I've lost my balance
I fell from the trapeze
This act isn't easy
I've been under water
This storm has been raging
These nights are not sleeping
My dreams are now strangers to me

And I need you now
There's too many miles on my bones
I can't carry the weight of the world
No, not on my own

This place is a desert
I've been walking in circles
I'm screaming for answers
I might fall into pieces
Or maybe I'm finally breaking through

No more running, no more hiding
No more hurting, no more crying
No more falling, no more striving
No more fears, only flying

"Exhale"

You calm the oceans in my mind,
When I'm waging war against myself
You bring peace to my madness
You slow down the hands of time

You know the secrets in my heart,
When my inner space has turned to grey
And these waves of sadness
Come crashing through the day

Then I hear you say,
I don't ever have to be afraid
All I know is you're beautiful
Something here worth living for

You bring meaning to it all,
When my hope has run the other way
And I can barely exhale
Throwing punches at the day
~
on a random note, sunday looks SO much better after chocolate (which we won during a quiz during teaching!) + coffee you wouldnt believe it

also i am officially addicted to buying korean textbooks. it is official. 
and i reaaally really want to take no pay leave to go study korean 
actually i just want to move to korea forever. but i might have a bond. or i might not have a bond, i literally do not know

i also think i should be a kindergarten teacher. that might be a good plan. wish i had thought of that earlier. darn greys anatomy and house!!! 

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

dont stop the madness

hello world, it is now past midnight. and i have mock code tomorrow and i am rushing out my last minute taxi claims (taking taxi home post shift is the best luxury ever. esp if you tend to crash your car into your gate at the best of times, not to mention at 2am post shift)

and i just signed up to spend my sundays teaching little children about God

no not when they come to see me for urtis, but in the time in between my saturday shifts that end at 1am on sunday and when my actual sunday shift starts at 4pm~

not sure why this feels like such a right thing to do, but.

i hope they accept me!! playing with cute kids on a sunday, sounds like exactly my thing.

~

I lay here under the stars in awe of who You are
You've never been so real
It's like I'm seeing for the first time
Like You opened my eyes to show me
Everything I've missed before
How many years did You plan this moment here
To show me how You love me

Monday, May 9, 2016

longer than a lifetime





I can see the leaves are moving
I can feel a change in the air
But I know You'll go before me
Cause You've always been there
Dark clouds
Blue skies
Every season of this life
I know You'll be by my side

Lookin' out the window I see
White lines racing by
Like the minutes moving past me
Another year in the blink of an eye
Big cities
Small towns
Every road You lead us down
This is the hope we found

When I feel I've lost
Lost my way
And I can see the seasons change
Through it all You'll be my strength
Through it all I'll still have faith
I can see the leaves are moving
I can feel a change in the air

~

"Pray"

I bow my head to pray, I don't know what to say
I'm not sure how to fix the things I'm dealing with
I'm in a desperate place, I need to share the weight
But I just don't know how, to let it all pour out
Will You meet me here right now?

a few years later/ up all night

a lovely day off
waking up late, coffee + gym, boss approved my m&m! i should practice it a lil bit though. i remember i had a very traumatic handovercall presentation once upstairs. even national debate comps dont compare to the trauma level of these kinda presentations sadly.

also i have to revise at least a lil bit for mockcode tomorrow argh
mockcode really helps for real life btw. like how i discovered there's this paper with all the drug doses which one can refer to then the other day during a real code it really helped!! (duh, as one doesnt have to memorize the drug dose. which i do actually but in a real panic situation its very hard to remember. plus i lost my frank shann SIGH)

its funny how life works really. if you asked me a few years ago i would have said i want to do pedsneuro. but nine mths into ce if you asked me now i would love to do this forever. no idea if they would have me HAHA but it's really nice to discover something you love. i think what really gets to me is that even though i was SO noob as a new mo, they taught me everything i needed to know & didn't judge me for being chui, just put it down to being really new to it all. i remember the first month in ce with feli and mich where we were all abit depressed that we were so chui and slow haha! and boss who believed in me, i won't forget that. and how when i was clearly nervous pple would tell me that even though i sound like i dont know what im talking about, i know what i'm talking about. HAHA.

~
its been a long time since i felt this way
its crazy, i know
& i dont intend to succumb to those feelings, im not the same as my twenty yr old self
at 20yo, you do crazy things for love
the first crush is always the most filled with innocence & hope
like you really truly believe that this is it, he is the one God planned for you
used to really believe that God would send someone randomly out of nowhere
after some time, you no longer believe that
love is something that takes up brain space and atp that could be used for something else
like explaining ad nauseum to parents that fever doesnt hurt the brain

its funny that when i stopped trying everything in general, that life gets a whole lot better
like i used to be a gym bunny and lost like zero kg but now i go to the gym like once in a blue moon and burn my calories by running to the resus room. or just running back and forth from rehab haha

so not only do i not intend to try anymore, i dont intend to hope anymore
there really isnt any point
but i can't stop people from walking in and out of my life
the last person i want to thank for being such a big part of my life is m. he was really such a huge part of my life it's crazy. and i wasnt even in love with him or anything. now i know what j meant all those yrs ago. to have someone be there in your life so much and share so much of your soul and time and life with them but to not feel that way for them, it can get a bit confusing. & it wasn't something i asked for, it just happened. on hindsight im fairly sure that my m5 yr was made much easier by m, definitely. so i really do feel grateful for that. but i want to stop having to thank people for their help. im an independent person yo. 

that said, although i know this isn't meant to be, i shouldn't feel this way, it won't work out for a thousand reasons, i do
it will pass, it always does
i guess at least it makes life a little sweeter
a little sprinkling of cimmanon on a latte
so even though i don't WANT to say thank you, i guess i will
better earlier than later, after i've fallen down the rabbithole

Sunday, May 8, 2016

love runs out/ steady feet dont fail me now

i have exactly 1 hour to prepare my m&m before i need to go for shift 

arghhhhh

last night was pretty nice driving home at 1am & having my fav one republic song coming on the radio (until i scraped the car when reversing, oh well...) [steady hands just take the wheel anyone?] i identify so strongly with literally every other sentence [time to make one last appealllll for the the life i lead. yeah. one last one, and then one more, and then God could i try one more time i think i can get it this time? it nevah ends does it. when do i close the door forever, who knows.]
This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move, I'm shaking off the rust I've got my heart set on anywhere but here I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
 Steady hands, just take the wheel...And every glance is killing meTime to make one last appealFor the life I lead
Stop and stare I think I'm moving but I go nowhere Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared But I've become what I can't be, oh
 Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see?
They're trying to come back, all my senses push Untie the weight bags, I never thought I could...Steady feet, don't fail me now I'mma run 'til you can't walk

now having another one republic marathon
if i lose myself tonight/ it'll be by your side
Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted


And a place to rest my head
Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're praying that you make it
 
Do you know where the end is?
Do you think you can see it?

Well, until you get there
Go on, go ahead and scream it
all i need is the air i breathe & a place to rest my head
6 yrs ago & now, all has changed & yet sometimes it feels like nothing has changed

ok one thing that has changed is i am quite sure i can do an m&m in 1 hr~!
yes i can do this!!

Saturday, May 7, 2016

rectrospectoscope

He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Psalm 23:3

The retrospectoscope is a wonderful instrument for appreciating the fact of the Lord's leading. Those at the start of their careers can be encouraged by the life stories of others -- it is true that he leads. Sheep have to learn to know and respond to their shepherd's voice, and the ways in which the Good Shepherd leads are also learnt by experience and will have individual variations. We can be sure that we are not hearing his voice if we set foot on paths of unrighteousness or even of self-righteousness. The paths of his righteousness may at first sound narrow and forbidding to the uninitiated, but assurance of the Shepherd's constant care for his flock must surely assure us right at the start that he has our interests at heart. He leads not merely to satisfy himself, but to bring us into satisfying pastures, not personal, individual planning. Other paths may look more beguiling, and the right track may well require a committed will and self control. We may stumble and stray, but only as we find the paths where he leads shall we continue to hear the calling of his voice, to see the print of his foot and to be assured that we are not setting out into the unknown alone.

Doctors in training change jobs more than most other workers. Do we pray about which of the many doors we should try? When each house-job has scores, if not hundreds, of applicants, can we trust him to lead us to the post of his choice? The experience we glean, the colleagues we have and the contacts we make will all become woven into the pattern of our lives and can have important implications for the future. He alone sees the end from the beginning and is thinking today of our tomorrow. How vital that we ask him to lead the way and then follow. It is very likely for each of us that there will be times of great uncertainty and even of unemployment. Closed doors may be one way by which our paths are being directed. These setbacks need not mean that we are off his path: each of us needs to learn the value of developing patience in waiting upon God.

O light that followest all my way,
I yield my flickering torch to thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in thy sunshine's blaze its day

May brighter, fairer be.
~
Yeah, I'm trying to be brave
But I'm a thread, about to fray

No, I won't turn and run
This battle will be won
When I've done all I can


But You are with me, I am not alone, no
But all around my world gives way
Toss like an ocean wave
You are my rock and the storm clouds blow

On Your promise, I will stand
All other ground is sinking sand

~