About Me

Friday, July 29, 2016

salmon of doubt

feeling really hungover from a way too exciting day ytd

one of those days where u really need iv caffeine

thinking of ways to add back color in my life & this is the list :)
- bake rainbow cake to share
- sign up (&actually run) half marathons 
- travel to iceland stat

just wanna thank
- the fever nurses ytd for all their help & kindness
- my friends who tell me that its only the 2nd shift and not to be too hard on myself & that maybe God wanted me to learn sth from this posting. and for all the encouragement (i really dont know why they bother but hugely grateful nonetheless). 
- the nurse who just came in five mins ago to give me ice cream!!! 

chocolate ice cream alwayS makes life better

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

anchors/ starlight

Anchors are extremely important to the overall purpose and longevity of a ship.
When lowered, the anchor provides a ship with the ability to withstand the toughest of storms, enabling it to stay in place.
However, many miss the fact that in order for a ship to move along properly, that same anchor must eventually be lifted.
Every day, I have become more amazed at how we as believers have learned to trust God in where He has instructed us to lower our anchors, however (more often than not), refuse to hear from Him when He has instructed us to lift them back up.
Let’s face it: living a life with a lowered anchor is safe.
But living a life with a lifted anchor is not.
Our natural tendency as believers is to anchor down in times of uncertainty.
However, it takes extraordinary faith to become solely reliant on how our God decides to blow the wind. With only a few battered sails, and an old rudder of faith, there are times when we have to lean hard into the peace that can sometimes only be found in the middle of chaos.
It’s no wonder why so many of us have the number of barnacles we have attached to our lives. Many of us have become resistant to movement.
Dare to move your ship away from the shore.
Where you are today–you may have been there way too long.
“I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us” – Philippians 3:14 (NLT)
~
sometimes, no most of the time, it feels scary to be in a little boat with nothing but a rudder of faith to guide one
sometimes, i miss ce a lot, esp when dr ___ is on shift (who clearly loves it too & often reminisces with me abt ce stuff hahah). i actually dont think he actually knows how much my heart hurts when we talk about ce, but in a way, it's nice to talk to have someone to reminisce abt ce with :) i dont think there is anything wrong with missing ce. i missed edin too a lot initially and look how awesome nusmed turned out  (thanks primarily to my awesome cg heh)
there must be a reason God put me in this posting & directed me toward this path. however lasting or ephemeral it may be, i will trust that there is a reason. 
was at a friends wedding last weekend, telling nat abt my life choices recently and i swear i wasnt even sugarcoating it or anything & my naive enthusiasm has been throughly realitychecked after the traumatically busy monday shift lol. and she said "wow it really sounds like God is opening a door huh". :) thanks for the encouragement nat. you have no idea how much it helped. 
or the very nice pt who wrote me a compliment the other day. although i suspect the nurse also played a huge role as she also had three other compliments HAHA but anyway it was very nice. i dont expect much from work, certainly not compliments or being fantastic, just getting thru the shift without killing anyone or being killed is good enough for me. oh and setting plugs in record time is good too
i guess what i'm saying is that i am neither rudderless in the ocean nor naively head in the clouds idealistic. just trying to get thru this period of being super noob and trying to get better faster. trying to keep to whatever last shreds of ideals i may have had when i originally started out on this path. trying to always keep to the right path. hoping that one day i'll be good at this too :) 
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men. Colossians 3:23 (NIV)

Saturday, July 23, 2016

day off chronicles

plans for today
- study my sogang 2b book again :) it's been AGES since i studied korean
- watch oh hae young again - it's like a cup of coffee on a rainy day 
- combat!! with the fav instructor w
- much needed retail therapy. 
- finish watching the neverending induction videos 

plans for tomorrow
- early morning run to the botanics
- go for a friend's wedding :) 
- RESEARCH 10 cases
- church

plans for monday
- somehow do the online thingy
- somehow finish the practical thing before rushing for shift
- shift + RESEARCH 10 cases

~

i'm starting to worry over my next shift. i know i shouldnt but ehhhh i think this is a little too hard for my SECOND SHIFT EVER. i think i'll go early, log into all the accounts, and prepare all the blood taking trays in advance. (and obviously pray really really hard. not least that whoever is the senior is very nice, kind and understanding)

~

things i wanna do 
- travel to iceland/ norway/ machu picchu
- ski in korea/ switzerland
- find a conference to present at
- bake a chocolate cake
- run a half marathon - maybe the one in aug?!
- go for the tropical medicine course in peru 
- play pokemon go. HAHAH. 
- finish the sogang 2b books and buy the 3a books!!
- do more HIIT classes

Friday, July 22, 2016

midnight musings

life has been actually very mundane but for some reason, been having alot of rollercoaster emotions. kinda like the secret life of walter mitty hahaha. btw iceland looks sooo pretty in that show

i think much of it is the initial excitement of newness wearing off & facing fears. its good to know that things i thought i did wrong actually wasnt wrong. haha. being able to sleep at night is really such a blessing. its so terrible to stay up at night thinking what if and could u have done sth better/ more rightly. 

one year ago i remember going thru exactly the same fears. having the same dreams, seeing pts all night in my dreams. i wonder if one yr from now ill actually be a good doctor? hahah. i sincerely hope.

the news abt cf closing made me think how precious ff is to me. its not often reported in the media but what struck me is how much the regular gym goers loved the place itself, the people, the pump n combat classes. i could really identify with them when they talked abt how much they missed queuing up for classes with their fav instructors and doing back to back classes haha!! honestly i havent been to gym all that often since turning mo due to my highly irregular work hours (an understatement). but no matter how often or regularly i go, just stepping into ff makes me feel like its going to be a good day. like you KNOW you're gonna feel awesome after a good workout and that awesome feeling is gonna carry over for a few days (esp if its ur first workout in like a mth haha.) its really priceless. 

life sometimes doesnt make any sense at all, then it makes a little bit of teeny weeny sense. sometimes there is no answer for it. just blindly trust & hope that, at the end of the night, there will be coffee and the sun will rise. and that you may have fried chicken in the pantry for supper. :)

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

what you want





"What You Want"

Everyday I've been feeling the pressure
I always gotta know the plan

It's a wait that I've tried to shoulder
I thought I could, but I can't
And I'm so tired of chasing dreams
When I am wired to let you lead


Oh I'm feelin' this surrender
I feel myself come alive
And the burden feels like a feather
When I let my agenda die
And I get so tired of my own dreams

You're changing my heart
And want what You want
To love what You love
If that is enough
There's no greater plan that I need to know
You only ask me to follow
And want what You want, You want

~

you're changing my heart to want what You want... & that is enough

~
faced with my own inadequacies yet all over again, i guess i can sort of? count myself lucky that i just scraped thru the day. came back and totally crashed, then woke up resolving to fill in the gaps no matter what it takes & how long it takes.

i think what saved me from dying totally was that the day before after church i went to find father c and asked him to pray that a) i dont kill anyone and b) no one kills me. the way he chuckled after i said that made me feel much more assured HAHA. and then meetin chai in the mo room before shift & he showed me around etc. really dont know how to thank him for that. oh and nat and the ultrasound machine. the sense of relief when she appeared from beyond the curtain bearing an ultrasound machine, you really had to be there to believe it.

the gap between dreams and reality is really rather... gaping. ok that's a huge understatement.

anyWAY plans for my day off include:
research
gym
studying for mcem part a :)

studying for mcem part a is turning out to be really enlightening. i really dont think i learnt half of these things in med school. i vaguely remember mugging foramen magnum in yr 1 anat. but foramen lacerum?! ok. at least i know it now. so much for neurosurgeon101.

Friday, July 15, 2016

defining gravity



old is gold :):)

~
Something has changed within me
Something is not the same

I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep

It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes... and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity

Kiss me goodbye
I am defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I'm through accepting limits
'cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!

Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

~


TOO LATE FOR SECOND GUESSING/ TOO LATE TO GO BACK TO SLEEEEEEP
much love

todolists
-  submit mc
- finish watching induction videos
- RESEARCH
- study for part a

how come it seemed like there was sooo much time and then there is nooo time




thoughts on first two weeks in adult med

there is SO MUCH I DONT KNOW it is scary

it is really very scary. if i didn't have this chilled out posting, incredibly nice seniors and lovely fellow mos, i think i would not have survived this posting. thanks d for answering that very very distressed phone call with such calm HAHA. i think anyone else would have put down the phone. and thanks c for the whatsapp consults. although it just scared me more than anything. lol. 

some things hold true wherever u are - if you arent sure of sth, or sth is niggling at you, put your pride (however much or little aside), and ASK SOMEONE. that is something i learnt as a baby mo - esp in my last few calls of paeds med HAHA. if unsure, just ask. at the worst, the reg will think you are really stupid, what's to lose anyway. 

just keep on going & hope i will get better. somehow, someday. 

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

i'll remember/ our daily bread

#storyofmylife
#muststudyemedharder
#plugsettingisbetterwhenyouturnmo

lots of thoughts going through my head
but this i know
God can help me with miracles, but at the end its up to me to fill up the emptiness with knowledge
things i know i dont know, and things i didnt know i didnt know, i need to fill up those cracks stat

as life goes on, there will always be people who are there (my 16yo self made SUCH a good choice in studypartner with d hahahah) 
there will always be people who pop up
but at the end of it all, some people will go & some will stay
i guess u could say i'm really very jaded, not just in terms of work but love. probably more jaded when it comes to love. eh actually hard fight, but since i never got any miracles when it comes to love, just alot of poetry which literally won me awards & publications. oh well. 

i guess what im saying is that i know what i should do & i should run towards that
just keep on running & hope i'm running the right race this time
but thank you. really. no matter what happens this act of kindness & gift from God will be remembered :):) just like the angels in the stairway, the bonfire at the end of a long path of uncertainty & darkness, i will remember this as one of the times of miracles in my life. 


Monday, July 11, 2016

post night reflections

life has been more than just urtis lately

thus far i have seen:
hornet sting
quite a few pids/ lbp with radiculopathy
renal colic
finger lacs
nstemi 
ccf
falls with bleeds
WPW!!
?brugada

so much new stuff to learn! lovin it

& i really think ultrasound is uber cool 

found this really nice song from my current fav drama: 
"Flashlight"

When tomorrow comes
I'll be on my own
Feeling frightened of
The things that I don't know
And though the road is long
I look up to the sky
And in the dark I found, lost hope that I won't fly

I got all I need when I got you and I
I look around me, and see a sweet life
I'm stuck in the dark but you're my flashlight
You're getting me, getting me, through the night
Kick start my heart when you shine it in my eyes
Can't lie, it's a sweet life

I see the shadows long beneath the mountain top
I'm not afraid when the rain won't stop
'Cause you light the way
You light the way,
You light the way

~
this song makes me think of the bonfire that night. maybe not everything was bubbles meant to burst. it makes me smile a little to think that God sent me someone to walk with me through the dark, even if i didnt know that then. even though we know it can never be, at least we remember those times as happy memories (that's more that can be said for so many other burst bubbles). 

you know how i always say years ago angels came to help me in a stairwell but this time i think they came to help me on a random night shift. as far as i'm concerned, it's an act of kindness i can never repay. but i will do my best to repay it!! hopefully using the one skill i have. yes i WILL. 

the funny thing is when i was talking to fr c during retreat i was THINKING of all the ways God has shown me his grace & mercy on this crazy new road but i didnt actually say it out loud, i merely said i was wondering what is the right path & dont want to jump to conclusions again this time. but meanwhile all the things God has done were flashing through my head. & then suddenly he told me "God sometimes closes doors & opens a window". 

there are many many things i have to repay in this life. so many random acts of grace & mercy & kindness, & i'm determined to repay them the best way i can. even if it's difficult. even if i face opposition. & i know that i CAN do it. 

~

another nice one - sunflower by younha:

Don’t blankly stand there with yesterday’s pain
Don’t be in pain because you’re lonely
Is this the right path that I’ve been dreaming of?
I looked back at my nervous self
When I find that path
All I be able to smile?
There’s a lot that I want

The painful days
Things can be different from yesterday
Don’t think that you’re alone
The past painful memories
Are not important anymore
Some day, when the tears stop
The hard times will tell me
Thank you, have strength
That everything will be alright

Saturday, July 9, 2016

be still & know

28th July: Still Waters Run Deep

Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations. Psalm 46:10 (NIV)
Medicine can easily consume all our waking hours, and probably nowhere more so than during housejobs. The new responsibility, the volume of work, perhaps not being able to get away from hospital during off duty hours because the residency is in the hospital -- all these things contribute to make it difficult to take time off, mentally and physically.
Life becomes busy, full and tiring. It's a very stark contrast to be asked to 'be still'. For one thing, it can be surprisingly difficult to be still after being busy. I'm often reminded of Elijah in this context, in his severe depression after being God's champion on Mount Carmel.
He needed spiritual and physical refreshment, both of which God provided. But God really touched the heart of Elijah's need, not in the obvious power and noise of earthquake or fire, but in a still, small voice -- just, I think, what he did not expect after God's mighty demonstration of power on Carmel.
It's hard to be still amid a busy schedule, and we shall always have the temptation of other things to occupy us. God wants to and does speak to us when we are still -- give him time to; he alone, by allowing us to experience and know him, can give our lives the perspective they need.
Father, don't let me so swamped with a busy schedule
that emptiness and depression characterise my inner life.
Refresh me and assure me of your strength,
as you let me know you in stillness.
Let me hear your still, small voice daily.
~

retreat was really good. except i think i shouldnt have joined the boys group at the last bit HAHA they could have had more personal reflections other than on mc giving if i had not been there. wahaha. usually we dont have so much luxury of time to reflect on our lives & what is going rightly or wrongly. we just plunge headlong into it & hope for the best. 

my current posting is quite chillax haha. ok that's an understatement. but in a way, i think it's good to learn veeeery slowly abt adult med. where else could i ask my fellow mos "eh what analgesia do we give for back pain. im pethidine and maxolon can or not". 

i'm both scared & excited abt the impending two months in the main hospital. it's going to be very very busy and yet exciting (i think? i hope). the last time i felt this way is when i was going up to the wards from ce. i think everyone was tellin me to hit the ground running but as much as i tried, i really couldnt. i could only do my best, as much as i could & knew how. 1yr plus later, with plenty more experience and a hundredfold more jaded, yet totally inexperienced in this particular field... its a very strange mix of emotions

it was good that i made time for retreat. yeah my inner cheerleader can tell myself a lot of thigns too but who knows how right it may be HAHA. its good to hear from an external source. when you lay it all out in front of God then you can clearly see that the doors seem to be closing, slowly but firmly, & if you run towards it and try to wrench it open, you will be either deluged by an enthusiastic 3yo singing "let it go" from beyond the doors (true story. NONSTOP renditions of this for like ten minutes. maybe she was trying to tell me sth. or maybe God was trying to hint something). or you may get your fingers caught in the door and get a nail avulsion. which would be very terrible indeed. i want to repair a nail avulsion not sustain one myself thx. 

& you realise that the sudden influx of grace coming in is more than just a coincidence, it's God opening windows for you. passing adult acls on the first try post night shift, getting posted to a place where people not only appreciate my paeds experience muchly but are so kind & willing to teach me the adult med i am now trying to remember instead of being thrown into the deep end right away, being able to set adult plugs so much better than i could as a ho despite not having set adult plugs for 1.2yrs. the nice ac who gave me a project to do on like d3 of my posting. the person who said of my peds experience "oh! you are a valuable asset". all these awesomeness flooding in all at once, it's definitely God coming to save me in the middle of a flood. 

that's all i know. 

in this season, it's a time to slow down & hear that small still voice 
knowing that God had a plan right from the start
even though the way might be mountainous & filled with obstacle courses & trolls
that it is not just my inner cheerleader's broken radio telling myself "it is going to work out. everything is going to be ok" 

that at the end, i will truly understand & all the puzzle pieces will fit together. 

to be perfectly honest, i was really sad walking out of ce for the last time, because i sort of knew that after this, i may not go back for good.but not that i'll never ever go back, coz emedpple do do a few mths there, but not as a ce or peds person. i really did love that place. not just becos kids are cute (which they are, but alot of kids come to accclinic as well HAHA. the nurses were like 'how come when u are here there are always kids!'). its actually mostly coz of the people. went back to submit ot claims the other day, feelings of nostalgia washing over me as i passed the familiar nurses, the usual crying kids being fed paracet or being nebbed. the people really make the place. but if i had never done ce, never gingerly done my first t&s or first m&r, never learnt how awesome the adrenaline rush is in resus, my eyes would never have been opened to a whole new world & i would not have dared to take this new direction. so it feels sad leaving,but also really grateful that God can turn everything for good. even when we dont follow his directions & wander off the path, he will never let any experience go to waste. 

now off to watch the emedinduction videos :) 
i love learning new stuff. and there is SO MUCH NEW STUFF to learn. 
my first adult pt was.... dengdengdeng an uncle who needed a finger t&s. LOL both anticlimax and relief washing over me, as i know i can definitely do a finger t&s HAHA. 
& i am sure i will eat all these words once i do my first shift at the main hospital. good luck to me. LOL.

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

the night before

5th July: The Night Before...

Have I not commanded you? Fear not. Joshua 1:9 (NIV)

The words given to Joshua can be a great support to us: 'Fear not, have I not commanded you?' The Christian goes as God's ambassador about his daily duties, and this includes public appearances. As an ambassador he does his very best, prepares well beforehand, rehearses, thinks about the important points and seeks the help of others. But having done all this, when the occasion comes, he goes as a servant of the living God, even though speaking on secular matters. He relies on the strength and courage that God gives in response to his prayers and know that God will be with him. The words he uses, the standard he sets, the grace and consideration he shows towards the patient whose case he demonstrates, these all come from his maker. And so the burden becomes lighter, the accomplishment greater, and God's name is honoured.

Joshua did all that was humanly possible to prepare for the taking of Jericho, and he was right to do so. But, military genius though he was, he only found victorious power when, on the eve of the battle, he met the Captain of the host of the Lord, drawn sword in hand, and fell down and worshipped him (Jos 5:13-15).

It was for Joshua to do his best in total reliance on the Lord. It was for the Lord to magnify him in the eyes of other people as he saw fit (Jos 4:14).

Teach us good Lord to serve thee as thou deservest,

to give and not to count the cost,

to fight and not to heed the wounds,

to toil and not to seek for rest,

to labour and not to ask for any reward

save that of knowing that we do thy will.

Ignatius Loyola

~
these exact same words one year & now, have a very different ring to it. one year ago, it was me trying to justify to myself that God would want me to try one more time. to be fair, the call to do paeds? my love for paeds? it was very very strong. i think a lot of the time we want something a lot and we keep praying for it and we ignore the small voice saying something else. or the very obvious big signs. but i dont regret my one year in paeds, i'm amazed that i cleared so many trials and tribulations and survived despite all the uncertainties and stressors. although i wish my handover presentation had been a little better HAHA. and most importantly, when i see a kid during consults, (obviously) i dont feel scared or uncertain at all, i know exactly what to do, down to the doses. i know this is sth that as years go by, i will be very very grateful and thankful to God for the experience for. and i was happy. no doubt abt that. but now its time to explore in a slightly different direction. 

the funny thing is that these days, for the first time the road ahead is much much clearer. sitting there as God unfolded all the things i could do with my life, i can't help but be amazed sometimes. 

there always is someone who comes when i'm most down, believes in me, and gives me another chance to prove myself. there is no try, there is only do. there is no "i dont know adult med, i may suck at it", there is only "God has given me this chance to prove myself and i need to learn everything i can, until i can do it". thank you especially to my fellow mos who altho they are so experienced in emed already, are so willing to help me, to tell me what analgesia to prescribe (coz in paeds we only used paracet and brufen, in adults its like usually pethidine + maxalon, or diclofenac, or tramadol. then u discharge them with anarex or codeine). 

i really dont know why God sent this heaven sent opportunity to me, it really beats me. but i'm going to make the most of it :):) 

dear God, the reward truly lies in knowing that we do thy will. 

it goes without saying that i still need to survive crazy shifts. but if i can easily see 4-5 pts/day i think 10pts/day for my first shift may be doable? the trick is to see fast, take bloods, and move on to next pt awhile awaiting bloods (assuming pt is stable ofcos pts who arent stable will need far more intervention). 

and maybe one day, i can do what i really wanted to do pre-med school. no not neurosurgery, not surgeon101. not paeds neuro, that came later, around year 2 of med sch. when you really dig down into what made me apply all over the world and fly off alone never looking back, spend all those winters with the heat up high, it was for this. this which i never once imagined i would be able to do. now that the possibility lies before me, a once in a lifetime chance, there is no room for error, just trust in God, trust that if He brings you here through a truly truly very convoluted roundabout route & through some very funny machninations, He must have a Plan for it all. 

Saturday, July 2, 2016

wonderland

"That Was Then, This Is Now"

We used to hide from the light
We made friends with the night
We were headed the wrong way on a one way track
Going nowhere fast

We got used to the dark
We thought this is who we are
And we figured that we were just too far gone
But we were wrong

‘Cause love came running like a river
And we got washed in the water
Then He said you're forgiven
Your sins are gone

That was lost, this is found
And it’s time to say goodbye to the old you now

So go ahead, put the past in the past
Box it up like an old photograph
You don’t have to go back
‘Cause that was then and this is now

:)

VERY gentle induction to the world of adult med indeed. i can do this. yup i can!!


Friday, July 1, 2016

thoughts on the last ten months

so literally on the cusp of a new posting, ??a new direction in life, who really knows

CE has been something really God given, this much i know. From the first day i stepped in as a new and blur baby mo, i remember how horrified and frustrated the seniors sometimes were hahahahahaa. To sitting in rm 19 on my last day (as resus mo no less), being able to juggle pts, resus and presenting at m&m, looking at my evaluation form where my supervisor, a very snr con whom i greatly respect and admire had written very nice and kind things, i was really amazed at God's grace.

The me who wished as a student to try out ce, for whom a day posting at ce was the highlight of an elective, and the me who is running to help with trauma codes and code blues and fitting kids. only God could have bridged this huge gap between what i wanted to do and could do.

I really hope that God will similarly bless whatever direction i am going to take now. I really hope that this is the right thing now. Either way, I know that he will bring me through this. He did bring me through an adult acls sucessfully hahahahaha. the examiner right after i finished my acls "mo or reg?" hahahaha i really wanted to laugh.

Its scary trying something new. But CE taught me this - that i can do it. I would never have mustered up the courage to do this next posting if i didnt have ten mths of a&e experience. So thank you God for the past 1yr of being a baby mo, and may i spend the next 1yr doing your work too :)

thank you especially to the ce nurses. you guys are beyond amazing. leaving yesterday, felt like leaving home for uni hahah.