About Me

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

what if i gave everything

#mantra of my inner cheerleader

post night, SUPER TIRED, but brimming with ideas for my projects and doing more than i did for three days of festive season days off hahaha

ive concluded that christmas isnt just about the picture perfect festive selfie/ insta pic haha. becos the truth is that life always has ups and downs. BUT. it is about the fact that, the light will ALWAYS overcome the darkness. even if it starts with a star in the night sky, a baby in a manger. 

yes, its true that there may be many things that we dont agree with that other people do. HOWEVER it is also true that God has blessed us with many many things that we should be grateful for. in times when it seems like life is not going our way, just always remember all the multitude of miracles that He gave, usually when we didnt deserve it at all. 

for today, i'm really happy to finally know what to do next for my project! worth it fighting off sleepiness post night. hahah.

Sunday, December 25, 2016

night before christmas

on a separate note: merry christmas :)
ive finished my research for today and looking forward to much christmas feasting + church tmr yay! 


Saturday, December 24, 2016

on miracles

so today i woke up and started the day with a little prayer that i would be able to do all the gazillion 100000 things i need to do today 

and i come to the computer, open my email, AND MY PAPER WAS ACCEPTED TO A CONFERENCE!!!

first overseas conference!!! 

VERY VERY STUNNED AND GRATEFUL

THANK YOU GOD!

to God be all the glory, quite literally. 

ok now i need to make the actual ppt slides. 

haha

next aim: ATHENS 2017 for project no 2. 

I CAN DO THIS!!






Friday, December 23, 2016

oh my soul/ middle of a miracle

one project down, next one up next!
will be spending christmas doing RESEARCH. and also church. and gym.

nooo time.

as time goes by, i realize what is the most impt thing in life. and i hope never to forget that.

that said, even tho some things are interludes, i guess all have their good and bad sides. some things so dramatic that even poetry wouldnt describe it adequately.

i really do believe that one day God will show me how it all fits together somehow. in that i trust

cos if you dont believe that, its very hard to survive.

today on christmas eve eve, i would like to thank God for giving me this mopex posting, literally the best posting of my life. i have never met such cool seniors and colleagues, or nice and helpful nurses. best nurses ever. one year ago, i thought ce was the best place on earth. now i've discovered a second home. ok maybe two second homes. both the busy and chillax hospital are awesome, i cant really choose. i think i like being busy better, but the chillax hospital will be busy in a few yrs time and i hope it will be just as awesome! i know i still have a LONG way to go. that's part of the reason why i took the exam coz i really wanted to know the EMED base of knowledge. unfortunately i soon realized mugging for the exam was basically all basic science -_- good job e.

so i'm just going to keep on doin' what i can
even if i'm not the fastest, or the best. not the coolest person nor sadly the funniest (to be fair to myself, my last two debates for medicine were pretty funny!! the literal pinnacle of my lame jokes and debating career. hahahah. talk about going out on a high. God's small little gift to make up for those years of crying outside classrooms and listening to scary judges tell us why we suck). , not the bestest person at keeping up friendships exactly, not the supermodelest. GOD IS GOING TO MAKE IT WORK. somehow.

*inner cheerleader

and at the end of it all, whenever that may be, i'll know that i led the coolest and best life i could've had. its kind of like during my gs ho posting when i literally finished off all my changes to run to the ot to watch the neurosurg op coz when i was younger i wanted to be neurosurgeon101. except i have that same adrenaline coursing through me 24/7 nowadayS

haha what a collection of random thoughts.

anyway, off to enjoy my TWO DAYS OFF OVER CHRISTMAS YAY!! payback for doing three nights in a row yo. its definitely going to be better than doing my christmas eve call last year. NO QUESTIONS BOUT THAT

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

on writers block

"Writer's block is often caused by conflicted feelings. We want the writing to be perfect and we want the paper done as soon as possible. We know what we know but we don't know what our readers know. We know how the memo should sound, but we don't have all the facts we need. We know everything about the software, but we don't know what an article should look like. We know what we have to say but we are afraid that it won't measure up to our expectations or to our readers' expectations."

TELL ME ABOUT IT.

i have many motivations to finish this paper. not least the fact that in about 2 weeks i will be in the busy hospital permanently and have no time to do anything except eat sleep work. 

but reading this above explaination makes me feel better about myself. HAHA. less about inefficiency but the reasons why the paper didnt magically get written thus far. (i mean, reasons other than i CAN'T THINK POST NIGHT and i just did three night shifts + 1 busy hospital shift the past week, and also because: JUST FINISHED STUDYING FOR VERY HARD EXAM)

anyway, it's improving. very slightly. 

something ive found helpful in life, or in impossible situations, is to start off by asking God to help. it really does help. in many tangible and intangible ways. 

on another note, i was supposed to join the dept christmas party tomorrow with TURKEY but i now have to go to the busy hospital tmr. a bit sad about the missed turkey hahah. oh WELL. 

at the very least, i know i spent this six months really fruitfully. learning a whole new speciality, starting two research projects, studying and taking one of the hardest exams EVER. can't say i've been slacking exactly. haha. oh. and buying MANY MANY BOOKS. i'm not sure if i have more emed books now or korean books. its a pretty hard fight. 

ok back to the paper. my conclusion is forming a semblance of a paragraph now. YAY. ONE STEP AT A TIME

Sunday, December 18, 2016

beautiful life

omg. watching my new fav kdrama and the male lead can see into the future and he sees the female lead... without him by her side in the future.

that was reaaaally heartbreaking

"i can see into your future. and i'm not there beside you"
*cue swoons from million of fangirls round the world"

but thinkin bout it, that happens a lot in real life too doesn't it? not just in fantasy dramas? who was it who said to me again "e ur life is NOT like a korean drama"

HAH that person clearly couldnt see into my future which does look rather like all the medical kdramas nowadays. like the bumbling interns in golden time. HAHA.

that said, i am proud to say that i NOW KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE. at the age of 27! (nurse last night. "dr e, how old are you?" me " 27!" her "you dont look it leh, you look 23" -_-) yay! i am also infecting all around me with my newfound enthusiasm and joie de vivre. a told me that she was gonna give up on med until i told her all about my exciting new potential adventures and now she's all excited to go too. hehehe.

i just need to hopefully get some good training for this in the next 5 years or so, God willing, and also finish up my bond which i dont even know whether i have, and then i'm ALL SET

i also need to at some point finish writing this paper. paperS plural. BUT I HAVE WRITER'S BLOCK.

temporary angst over my writer's block reminded me of our JC poetry blog aka writer's blog haha. i really loved that blog. the subtitle seems apt too. hypertext shouting yo tell me about it. so i posted up a poem in the hopes that my research writer's block may be alleviated miraculously. not sure if it works that way.

i also am doing my THIRD NIGHT SHIFT IN A WEEK tonight. so my circardian rhythm (already off coz of almost 1.5 yrs of shift work) is more off than usual. haha im ok with the baseline shiftwork circardian rhythm, but 3 nights in a week is a bit zzzz.

but anyway i'll end off with the beautiful ost from my fav drama GOBLIN


such pathos. it's really incredible.

and on a random note, i resolve not to write poetry for a long time again. i dont think i wanna love someone in that way for a long time. maybe ever? its ok. i don't need that in my life. there's plenty more to life than just love. it may work for some people but imma over it.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

whatever you do

1. i gymmed post night!! the first time i have gymmed in literally about two months?!
wow achievement. i realized today that the gym is totally my happy place. just walking in and hearing all the usual music playing over the speakers makes me feel happy. add that to post-workout endorphins and post-gym book buying = BLISS. for one hour the outside world doesnt matter, i have no responsibilities. ITS awesome.

2. at the end of everything, the only one who will be there through it all is God. you shouldn't put any hope or trust in anyone else, becos humans are just that, humans.

3. BIG BANG IS BACK. omg. i cant believe they came out with tonight literally almost 6yrs ago when i was in 2nd yr of med sch and now i'm a 2nd yo MO - not even baby mo anymore, and they're going off to army. quite the oomph listening to their song last dance on my night shift. haha. when i was second year i really and truly doubted i'd ever make it through. or even that i'd pass each exam. well i did! and thank you big bang for being the soundtrack to all these years so far.

okay sorry i know i sound very bimbo now. i blame this on the combination of post night and post workout endorphins wahaha

working out is so ADDICTIVE coz it makes you feel very happy and high and makes you wanna do it tomorrow too! which i technically can coz i'm doing night shift again! WHY am i doing so many night shifts, no ideaa. okay. maybe i can run tmr. i haven't run since... i literally can't even remember when is the last time i went running. oh dear. EXCITED. lets do this!!

Sunday, December 11, 2016

it's beginning to look a lot like christmas

SO i made it thru a very torturous 3 hrs of exam. i guess there were qns i knew the answers to (thank you st joseph of cupertino!), although whether there were enough of those that i'd pass, guess i'll leave that up to God and his mercies. haha. 

THEN had 2 nearly consecutive shifts at the busy hospital. FUN but brain VERY ZONKED. 
yesterday the busy hospital was not so busy. so five of us p2 mos sat around literally twiddling our thumbs, grabbing pts even if from our opposite teams when they did come in, and watching the card boxes like a hawk haha. 

time to do everything i couldnt do cos of studying for exams!
although NO IDEA WHERE TO START. too much to doooo

currently spamming christmas carols and getting into the christmas moood 
good stuff

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

stats

as of 630pm currently i have
- 386 anat qns more
- 187 pharmco
- 183 physio
- 53 microb left

which is. um. 800 mcqs. LOL.
okay i aim to do until i have about 250 anat qns (that will mean i did 80% of the anat mcqs), 100 pharm and 100 physio. and microb - i give up lol.


you are more than the sum of your past mistakes/ even the sparrow knows He holds tomorrow

"You Are More" - tenth avenue north

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are, 
What's been done for you? 
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made, 
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, 
You are more than the problems you create, 
You've been remade. 

Well she tries to believe it 
That she's been given new life 
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers 
And she's rehearsed all the lines 
And so she'll try to do better 
But then she's too weak to try

'Cause this is not about what you've done, 
But what's been done for you. 
This is not about where you've been, 
But where your brokenness brings you to 

This is not about what you feel, 
But what He felt to forgive you, 
And what He felt to make you loved. 

~
beautiful song as always :)

i think the pre-exam panic is finally setting in

looking back, i realize that it was the day i was praying for guidance as to whether i shld take the part 2a of the mrcpch or the frcem primary, that God showed me my path, right out of a drama (isnt my life always like that...) usually its me going to my friends and asking them "do you think this is a Sign from God?" but this time, it's my friends who told me "it seems like God's trying to tell you something".

so i guess although i would love to pass this exam, the turning point between me being yoked to my past life and setting out on a new road, its a little difficult HAHAHA coz the qns are a little tough (understatement)

but it's okay either way. to have been given this opportunity, to have experienced even a tiny bit of miracle and grace, it has been thoroughly worth it. this exam has given me more than i have given it. it's probably the most grace-filled exam i have ever taken.

but i'll still try, for the next 24hrs, give it my all. that's the most i can do. haha. EVERY POINT COUNTS, that's my philosophy!!

Sunday, December 4, 2016

sunday musings/ angels brought me here

the way father c chuckled today when i went to get pre-exam blessings really cheered me up! haha



one way - magic

550+ more anat qns
220+ more physio qns
2 more patho qns
4.5 more videos

YEAH I CAN DO THIS
EVERY POINT COUNTS

*inner cheerleader

note to self: next yr i must MUST sign up for the SCSM as part of the medical team. MUST MUST. i literally missed it by a few minutes this yr -_- but its prolly a good thing coz... MUGGING


stay with me - goblin ost

random sunday musings
1. INTERNET IS BACK UP

i hereby conclude that internet is top of maslows hierachy of needs
esp if u have an exam in like THREE DAYS

2. transdescendant song from the beautiful tv show goblin (which i havent watched yet due to said internet)


3. http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/11/we-only-fall-in-love-with-3-people-in-our-lifetime-each-one-for-a-specific-reason/

THIS is pretty true

It’s been said that we really only fall in love with three people in our lifetime.

Yet, it’s also believed that we need each of these loves for a different reason.
Often our first is when we are young, in high school even. It’s the idealistic love—the one that seems like the fairytales we read as children. It's a love that looks right.
(note: i dont think my first love appealed to what society thinks is right. AT ALL. hahahaha. unless you count debate, which actually and truly WAS my first love pwahahaha. first love: debate. second love: medicine. third love: emergency medicine. ok that does sum it up quite well). 
The second is supposed to be our hard love—the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we often want or need to be loved. This is the kind of love that hurts, whether through lies, pain or manipulation. (yup. tell me about it. cross reference: my prolific poetry writing) 
We think we are making different choices than our first, but in reality we are still making choices out of the need to learn lessons—but we hang on. Our second love can become a cycle, oftentimes one we keep repeating because we think that somehow the ending will be different than before. Yet, each time we try, it somehow ends worse than before. 
Sometimes it’s unhealthy, unbalanced or narcissistic even. There may be emotional, mental or even physical abuse or manipulation—most likely there will be high levels of drama. This is exactly what keeps us addicted to this storyline, because it’s the emotional rollercoaster of extreme highs and lows and like a junkie trying to get a fix, we stick through the lows with the expectation of the high. (the best thing about it is i realized that i shouldnt feel like this way in love ever, or ever again. but yea it can get pretty addicting. hahah)
With this kind of love, trying to make it work becomes more important than whether it actually should. (and i promised myself that if that ever happened to me again, i would run a mile. and i also ran MANY miles. haha) 
It’s the love that we wished was right.
And the third is the love we never see coming. The one that usually looks all wrong for us and that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is supposed to be. This is the love that comes so easy it doesn’t seem possible. It’s the kind where the connection can’t be explained and knocks us off our feet because we never planned for it.
This is the love where we come together with someone and it just fits—there aren’t any ideal expectations about how each person should be acting, nor is there pressure to become someone other than we are.
We are just simply accepted for who we are already—and it shakes to our core.
It isn’t what we envisioned our love would look like, nor does it abide by the rules that we had hoped to play it safe by. But still it shatters our preconceived notions and shows us that love doesn’t have to be how we thought in order to be true.
This is the love that keeps knocking on our door regardless of how long it takes us to answer.
It’s the love that just feels right.
Maybe the reality is we need to truly learn what love isn’t before we can grasp what it is.
Possibly we need a whole lifetime to learn each lesson, or maybe, if we’re lucky, it only takes a few years.
Perhaps it’s not about if we are ever ready for love, but if love is ready for us.
But I kinda think that those who make it to their third love are really the lucky ones.
They are the ones who are tired of having to try and whose broken hearts lay beating in front of them wondering if there is just something inherently wrong with how they love.
But there’s not; it’s just a matter of if their partner loves in the same way they do or not.
Just because it has never worked out before doesn’t mean that it won’t work out now.
We can choose to stay with our second under the belief that if we don’t have to fight for it, then it’s not worth having—or we can make the choice to believe in the third love.
The one that feels like home without any rationale; the love that isn’t like a storm—but rather the quiet peace of the night after.
The one we never see coming.
The one that actually lasts.
The one that shows us why it never worked out before.
And it’s that possibility that makes trying again always worthwhile, because the truth is you never know when you’ll stumble into love.
“You found parts of me I didn’t know existed and in you I found a love I no longer believed was real.” ~ Unknown
so beautiful! though i doubt i'll ever find this magical third love. my current obsession is that i will go to NEPAL and practice medicine in the himalayas!! so maybe its good after all not to have found that magical third love. great. 
and on another note, it occured to me that no matter what age i am and no matter how evolved i am, i am still capable of losing my logicalness (haha what logicalness) and saying and doing stupid things when it comes to certain individuals. or maybe i shld make that singular. haha. my brain is saying NO NO NO RUN  but sometimes you CAN'T RUN. i guess my second love taught me alot about running. great, thank you. running is good. if you run far far away, you stop yourself from saying and doing silly things that you regret +++. in my less evolved state, i used to just DO AND SAY  those things. omg. control yo. good things abt being 27! 
on yet another note, i have been drooling over marathons but really havent literally run for nearly half a year! WILL RUN AFTER EXAMSSS
okay plan for today is RESPI PHYSIO and all of anat
ok i think we can start with TRIGEMINAL NERVE and FACIAL NERVE. sounds high yield
studying microb and ulnar nerve with the light of my phone off a weedy mobile data stream at 3am made me feel like those scholars in ancient times studying over candlelight in winter ahaha


Friday, December 2, 2016

jungfrau marathon!!



SUCH A HAPPY SONG
i keep on running, keep keep on running, to the top (top)
i never stop

in the first light of dawn
i put my sneakers on
i got a long way to go

i see the sun's shining on my way
and it makes me wanna pray- and i say hey

and such a lovely vid. see lots of happy faces mostly speaking german, which i dont understand, but i surmise they are saying what a great run they had? hahah logically.

omg i want to go for this run STAT

although i havent run for about uh, four months minimum. oops.
couch potato to 5k training plans anyone??

random notes to self

by the time i turn 40 years old i wanna run the jungfrau marathon, eiger ultratrail and the zermatt marathon
yeah!!



ok back to regular programming ie: ANATOMY AND THE CARDIAC CYCLE

Thursday, December 1, 2016

thankful

6 months more of emergency medicine at my first choice hospital!!!

God is really really good, that is all i can say. 

i dont know if i can go on looong overseas adventure treks in this six months coz there is sooo much going on. (despite having planned a trip to the land of fire and ice since 2015. oh well) but maybe at least one week for an overseas conference? *hopes* haha. 

actually despite not having an overseas holiday, i am VERY VERY GRATEFUL for this opportunity to prove myself. this opportunity may not come again, so i resolve to do my best. as this is my second emed posting, i think i no longer can hide behind the veil of noobneSS sadly, and expectations are probably higher. oh no! but I'M UP FOR IT. first i survived CE, then i survived the switch to adult emed. these were NOT EASY trust me. now i can survive being a good emed mo!! yeahhhhh. i am also very grateful to all who encouraged me to apply for residency this year just to throw my name into the ring despite my extreme newbie status, because i think it makes me work harder to prove myself. 

so this is just to conclude that today i am SUPER happy
thank you God!!! i will do my best!!!