About Me

Monday, September 18, 2017

steady hands just take the wheel

stop and stare - one republic
Steady hands just take the wheel
Time to make one last appeal
For the life I live

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh

Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Steady feet, don't fail me now
~

one of my fav songs EVER!! it was SO ethereal going for my first concert (sigh. first concert at the age of 27 HAHA. ok i did go for a big bang concert few yrs ago, but yknow what i mean). and it was in such insanely pretty surroundings it was literally unbelievable. also i love this particular scenery cos i used to run marathons in the exact same place at 6am when i was younger. well half marathons.

i was literally nearly in tears when the (very familiar) lyrics blasted thru the padang speakers. i think its cos this song has spoken to my soul for years now - no matter what age and season of life im in, it seems to speak to me really well HAHAHA i guess its one of those lyrics that tend to resonate with people cos of how it can apply to so many things. so many people have things in life they arent completely happy or satisfied with and would like to improve so that's why

for me, it's driving home post shift at the wee hours of the morning and hearing "steady hands just take the wheel/ time to make one last appeal", "steady feet don't fail me now" blast through my speakers. in that moment, specially as i used to drive past serene center where d and i used to study when we were in secondary school, i don't know why it felt so particularly significant. the time when i started to really make an effort in life towards this goal, and when it started to pay off. the things we try and hope for, seemed to be all melting into one. both the realization that i'm where my sixteen year old self WANTED to be, and that yet there is so much more to aim for.

and that i may be driving this car right now but there is someone up there with steadier hands than me. who is protecting me during this 2am late night drive as i am sleepy and exhausted from the long day.

anyway it was so unreservedly awesome. i dont know if next yr will have music acts as good as this cos of the emotional attachment i happen to already have had to one republic haha. but you never know!!

that said i have been rather enjoying the past few days of off interspersed with night shifts.
not to mention yesterday i happened to be in town enjoying my post night day off after church and i was feelin kinda hungry when i happened to walk past twelve cupcakes which had loads of cupcake samples all laid out. in the middle of an orchard road underpass!! ok it sounds funny when said like that but at that exact moment it was like WHOA. heart cupcakes ++

ok off to do my one million thingS


one million dance studio!!


Saturday, September 9, 2017

carry on/ if we've ever needed you

carry on - kutless 
There is strength in my weakness
That only comes from You
You know I'm weak
I know You're strong
You say when I'm broken
And can't carry on
Carry on
When all my strength is gone
You're still holding on
There is love for the lonely
That only comes from You
There is peace and forgiveness
That I have found in You
You are the Way
You are the light
You are the voice calling me through the night
(You are Holy and just
Full of mercy and love
You are patient and kind
Your grace has opened my eyes)

dream - the best hit ost
(a different, prettier translation)

i thought i could get it
the moments i dreamed of
so i stood up to it
holding a faith without reason
in the end you'll catch it

everyday i pray that i'll catch it
there must be a bright light at the end of the tunnel
i was hopelessly running and running
so i wanted to see that bright light
i think i should go a little more
i should wake up the reference book for running again
but my reality is so overwhelming
as if i were falling down
it was a dream i want to achieve by dedicating everything to it
the more i try why the harder is it
as time goes on, i just want to sit down

if there is a God, please listen to me
i can only do barefoot walking on a thorny path
i pray for my dream
sometimes stop and look up to the sky
i still have a dream to achieve
i need to hold on a little longer
i should pick up pieces of memories that looked back tens of thousands of times
its ok at the latest, what if it's a little late?

pre night shift listening to music and also trying to make myself watch frcem videos haha

having alot of obsessions lately ranging from learning korean, italki lessons (korean) - which are really great btw, i can talk in korean for 1 hr!!!! so awesomeee. and now learning french. and bullet journalling. (before that was inkscape which is kinda like adobe illustrator). and then oh yeaH learning how to use my new gopro :):)

i really think i shld start to be obsessed abt frcem intermediate videosss
cos ultimately the most impt thing is being safe right? and the more i know then also the safer i'll be? but the workload is so shag nowadays that i just wanna chillax like anything when i'm home. its like running a daily marathon. dont get me wrong i LOVE marathons. they're just tiring. and sometimes they are over-tiring and you get HEAT EXHAUSTION and RHABDO. you get the idea. 

hahaha thinking back to when i first started adult ed. i was SO INNOCENT and IDEALISTIC. even when i was still in the chillax hospital ed, even tho i did some busyed shifts, i didnt fully realize the extent of the workload and hadnt been jaded yet, cos of how chillax the environment was. now i'm like. very very shag and exhausted and jaded. i still love it though (in a far less idealistic way) and i still wanna do it. i guess i definitely understand better what it takes. something that has not changed is that i'm still up for anything! this is definitely NOT my own character trait but something that came to me over the years after all the years of ed life. or rather, it is like my own character but drawn out of me by the years of exposure from ed life, ed people and how i know we are supposed to be? like after awhile you emulate the people around you and everyone in ed - mos, bosses, nurses are all very fast-paced, fearless, willing to try new things... kind of basically what you see in tv dramas. i think it's basically what i always wanted to be but i couldnt get myself to be like that until i physically joined ed then it was very easy to just slip into that mindset after literally marinating myself in that environment for 2 years hahaha. i guess ed makes me a better person. 

i dont really know what to say abt applications but this sums it up well
you say when im broken/ and can't carry on/ carry on/ when all my strength is gone/ you're still holding on 

making plans to go back to edin for exams makes me think of the miracles. so many years ago. somehow the idea of runnin up arthur's seat again makes me think of the time i tripped over my shoelace and fell and picked myself up again. haha. i knew that was symbolic then thats prolly why that image stuck in my memory all those years. its funny cos the miracle was leaving edin? but when i close my eyes i can see the streets of edin very very clearly as if i was there right now. things like eating ice-cream after watching the world cup. things like snowball fights after birthday celebrations. 
theres eusem in glasgow next year i think? dont know if i'll ever have any papers to submit for it. i only went to glasgow for one day in my entire life but i remember that day very very clearly. hahah i remember it was my birthday and my friends surprised me with a bday celebration when we came back from glasgow that day. edin brought alot of love, happiness and also angsty stress times into my life, no doubt. but isnt it so great that when's all said and done, when i think of edin i think of God working miracles? that's really such a great happy ending. maybe i should have been more chillax and happier and less uptight then - if only i had known how well it would all turn out. in comparison nus med (which was actually the RESULT) of the miracle was much more... tamer and less dramatic. filled with everyday happiness like cg bonding, hilarity (ok LOADS of), stressful preparing for mbbs but so much tempered with the funniness of clerking with yj - things like clerking the wrong pt, clerking the right pt with wrong dx, clerking people with altered mental status, dropping her handphone into the pt's bag of belongings and having to dig thru the pt's things, presenting hx with SOB +++ after running up stairs to make it to tut. HAHA. so funny how life works huh?

so i decided to be as chillax as possible now. i know i was really uptight in the past. but sometimes life works in a funny way and you need to balance everything out. you might wanna be less uptight but others might perceive it that its less than perfection or not approve of it? haha. so its a balancing etc. i dont pretend to be perfect and may nv be. but you know what? since i stepped into adult ed, there has only been one thing running through my mind "God is going to save me. i dont know how or why or when, but He is going to bring me through this. it's going to be ok". 

Thursday, August 31, 2017

love is not over/ dream



astro - i should have held on
It was like that rainy scene
From the movie we last watched together, oh no
You said goodbye with a stony face

On my way back
Memories of us together float up like a movie
The small present you gave me
Is that everything about me has changed



dream - the best hit ost

I thought I could catch them
The moments I dreamed of
So I walked strongly

With faith without reason
I kept going without giving up
I thought if I gave it my all
It will all happen before my eyes
In the end, I’ll get it, I pray every day
I’m only looking ahead as I run

I thought I could catch them
The moments I dreamed of
So I walked strongly

At the end of this dark tunnel
There will be a bright light
I ran endlessly, locked up in hope
Yea, I wanted to see that bright light
I thought I just had to go a little more

It felt like I could reach if I held out my hand
But why does it feel like I’m running in place?
It’s not enough yet, right?

If I wanna run again, I need to hold it in and get up
But there are so many things that make it hard to handle my reality
As if they’re trying to make me fall
But I’m trying to endure cuz I don’t wanna lose

It’s a dream I wanna fulfill with all I am
But why does it keep making it harder for me?
Why don’t they know how earnest I am?
I don’t expect much, that’s the only thing

But the more time passes, the more I wanna crumble down
Why must I throw myself into the responsibilities of the world?
Why do I have to endure that pain?
The world won’t leave me alone

I try telling myself that it’s not my fault
I can only avoid it and hide
If there is a God, please hear me out
This is all that I can do
And I hate it
I can only walk on a path of thorns
But I’m closing my eyes and shouting in my heart
I pray for my dream

I’m dreaming again
The dream I wanted
I pray with my hands together
Sometimes, I stop and look at the sky
Because I still have a dream to fulfill

Inside the endless despair
I thought I was the only one suffering
But the only thing I could do
Is to hope and pray
I need to endure, if my seat breaks

I must put it back together stronger
But the more I hope, the more I suffer
I’m curling up into a ball again
I know better than anyone else but I must start again

I must pick up the pieces
Of the memories that I thought of thousands of times
This is just a phase
But time is not passing
It’s alright even if it’s late, who cares?
In the end, some day, I’ll fulfill it
So what? Don’t compare me with others

All I have to do is have fun and walk on the path I want
If it’s hard, I can take a break, because I’m gonna get up again
I’m doing a good job, just like I am now

i have a dream woo woo
i have a dream woo woo

~
this song comes from the ost of the best hit - the drama i'm currently watching. so it's doubly meaningful. howevER the lyrics hit home so well that i would have liked this song regardless of whether i had been into the drama or not. i can't decide which is better, kim min jae's awesome rap or younha's singing! both are great.

parts i liked the best
"with faith without reason/ i kept going without giving up"
"in the end, i'll get it, i pray every day"
" i ran endlessly, locked up in hope"
"if there is a God, please hear me out"

"its alright even if it's late, who care? in the end, some day, i'll fulfil it. all i have to do is have fun and walk on the path i want"

HAHA i loved the conclusion.
really story of my life
~

ANYWAY. going for shift in 2 hrs. watching frcem intermediate videoS. its pretty fun.
i guess in life, i basically just pray that God will keep me (and my patients) safe. that's the basic prayer. and its HARD ENOUGH to survive just that. everything else is the cherry on the cake.

so there are 100000 undone things all the time but we keep going. not to mention wasting time faffing around with adobe illustrator, inkscape, falling into the abyss of cool things like making 3d/ 2d games with unity HAHA. learning korean - im taking classes on italki now its super fun!! had like 3 classes so far. i can (slightly) understand my teachers even when they talk completely in korean so its really fun and satisfying. goodness only knows what my spoken korean sounds like to their ears cos i have the vocab but like zero grammar skills so it must sound quite funny ahahaha. and planning holidays. HAHA. i think i have wasted alot of time bumming around these few months. BUT GUESS WHAT i love bumming around. and it makes you more efficient at work. kinda like how those people who train for marathons do nothing but bum and sleep in the daytime (well those super marathoners in kenya. apparently. i guess there are plenty of efficient marathoners who do loads of stuff when they are not running. but i couldnt do that. i would totally just burn out). all the nurses always tell me at the end of a long shift GO HOME GO HOME YOU WILL BURN OUT. but i dont feel burned out leh. i think its cos i bum SO MUCH at home HAHAHA doing all these nonsense stuffs

yea i totally know all this stuff is nonsense but i enjoy it. hahaha.
anyway its a useful skill ok. can make some awesome stuff with inkscape now

on another random note i am currently craving:
macbook air
go pro
DSLR
IPAD

however i dont have THAAAT much money so i am going to get these things slowly one by one in order of importance

also despite the lovely bumming time i think it might be prudent to start the application season HAHAHAHAAHA

what do i even say. i think just leave it to God. He clearly knows best, i no longer know anything anymore. i've decided to just leave it up to Him cos He has some really good plans far better than mine. but i should do my best and get my referees and survive my interviews and then if God really wants then i'm sure He will help me this time. it would be a miracle to suddenly get my miracle after all these years hahahaha its great that i can laugh at myself and my ridiculous journey through this life but OH WELL.

inside the endless despair/ the only thing i could do/ is hope and pray

Monday, August 28, 2017

if you can't fly, run



super inspiring song by BTS!
All the underdogs in the world
A day may come when we lose
But it is not today
Today we fight!

No not today
Some day, the flowers will wither
But no not today
But today’s not the day
It’s too early to die
No no not today

Yea, we are extra
But still part of this world
EXTRA + ORDINARY
That’s not even that special
Today we’ll never die
The light will pierce through the darkness

If you can’t fly, run
Today we will survive
If you can’t run, walk
Too hot, success doublin’
Too hot, somersaulting on the charts
Too high, we on trampoline
Too high, someone stop us

We couldn’t fail
Because we believed in each other
Trust me, who is next to you
Together we won’t die

Throw it up! Throw it up!
Throw away the fear in your eyes
Break it up! Break it up!
Break the glass ceiling that traps you
Turn it up! (Turn it up!)
Burn it up! (Burn it up!)
Till the day of victory (fight!)
Don’t kneel, don’t break down
That’s not today!

Monday, August 14, 2017

inspiration

http://msf-seasia.org/blogs/17613

chanced upon this lovely little piece of writing by a hongkong surgeon with MSF. ok, not chanced upon, i stalk the MSK blogs all the time. HAHA.

"Time flied and my three months mission finished. On the last day in South Sudan, I met the Hong Kong doctor that came to replace me. He was my senior in university. A few years back when I graduated, he handed over the CUHK alumni dragon boat team to me. And today in the airport of Bor, on the other side of the world, I passed on my mission in Bor to him. It was a very special feeling to have friends and mentors who strive for the same goal. As I waved him goodbye and stared at the back of the MSF car, enjoying the last of the hot breeze and dazzling sun, I knew I would be back again.
Life must go on after this unforgettable journey to South Sudan. Coming back to this familiar place, staring at these advanced equipment and well-equipped operating theatre, I know I am no longer the same." - dr shannon 

SO INSPIRED.

~
FRCEM INTERMEDIATE VIDEOS, come on we can do this!!!

Sunday, August 13, 2017

you, clouds, rain

on a cool day, post night, plus a nice post night brunch (thx to a new friend for the treat as well as all the advice! it was much appreciated! one of the things i like abt ed is meeting loads of new people. haha reminds me of those days of spontaneousness) , many thoughts are running through my head

learning new korean vocab is so therapeutic. maybe i should watch some frcem intermediate videos instead to learn abt chest and abdo trauma. HAHA.on the bright side, i learnt how to say "stabbed in the chest" and "i have a fishbone in my throat" in korean. these are VERY USEFUL PHRASESS ok

~
i guess when you let go of everything, then you can let God take over. i guess letting go of everything is very very difficult. it can feel like giving up sometimes. but it's not abt giving up EVERYTHING. you still need to lead your life and go to work everyday. i dont really know how to describe it. i guess it's something like, if you dont focus on wanting something SO SO MUCH and just go about living your everyday life and hoping God will help figure your life out (since u cant figure it out urself), and as time goes by some things fall into place and some dont. and new things pop up like mushrooms in a fairy field. and you let some more things and people go. and so life goes. cycle of crabbyness and glucose drinks and starbucks and egg benedicts all starting to blend into each other like an indistinguishable ice blended. it may be quiche but it is what it is

sometimes it may be ironic, sometimes not so
sometimes u have no time to think at all

i guess what im trying to say is that life cannot be subsumed into something that is explained so easily.

and even that when one does sometimes get what one wants, sometimes its not the best. it seems like no matter how old i grow, i still have difficulty on a daily basis believing 100 percent that alot of the times God is saving me from something. i mean i KNOW it but it just doesnt ring true to me sometimes. haha. confessions. or i wish it was but sometimes it doesnt seem too clear.

i think part of the problem is that ive gone SO many circles of philosophy and internal explainations that they no longer make sense to me anymore. to the point that to explain something to myself, i'm like... I EXPLAINED THIS to myself already, it made perfect sense, and shit happend ANYWAY. so i dont really like this explaination particularly.

ok. THAT makes sense. HAHA.

actually life is really ok if i dont think bout it too much. just enjoying each day and chillaxing with my friends and the great nurses, and meeting my quota, esp with nice bosses, it really isnt the slightest chore at all. actually its a great joy. esp when the bosses are nice. like one of my HEROes the other night was like "e pls go back home!!" 5 mins later he u turns and comes back "actually i was just gonna ask, we're ordering supper do you want any?" HAha epic.

at the end of it ALL, it's God who smoothens our way, who makes five loaves and two fishes out of literally nothing (speaking of which my student bought mr bean for me. SO THANKFUL coz if not i would have STARVED. also the post 2 m&rs and pre nail avulsion dinner with IL was so great despite the usu hosp food. and also thankful for my new ortho friend who helps with those ortho xray readings. haha seee i have so much to be thankful for.).

so i should keep on the road, even if the lights have gone out multiple times and the path seems like an everchanging geographical landscape like the icelandic glaciers and volcanos. i might have felt ravenously hungry post shift and skipping dinners etc but im clearly still alive and clearly did not die from starvation as of yet.

i should keep on doing what is right.

and if one day, God ever decides that he might want to send someone my way, then i should NOT rely on my own deciding purely, but listen to that inner voice telling me whether it is the right person or not. because, to conclude, my own compass is severely lacking.

howeveR if that is not meant to be then i guess, after all these years of love poetry, i can accept that and that there is something better. cos i know there is so much more to life. and anyway i have been through SO EXTREMELY MUCH KOREAN DRAMA worth of krebby life cycles already that i think i have enough to fill TEN VOLUMES OF POETRY that probably no one will read. so i am NOT KEEN AT ALL to have new people to walk into my life to increase the number of poetry volumes that i produce. i think alot of it is that no matter how we said in sec sch that we dont define ourselves by who comes on a white horse to save us, i guess sometimes alot of the times we DO very much so. so this is me saying that GUESS WHAT there is quite enough thank you very much.

and that maybe God really does want me to go the msf route instead and that is something noticebly harder with a knight on a white horse, it wouldnt really fit onto the plane. and that i accept that and know that is actually the far more exciting and awesome life plan

ok enough roundabt metaphors. HAHA.

~




Rain is coming.
I thought of you.
I think so.
It was.
It does not matter.
Today is the day that I think about you for a long time.
I deliberately look for a song with you and me
It’s okay to be sad or depressed today.
If this night goes by anyway,
I’ll live with you for another time.
I’ll live in my heart.

Sometimes I go back.
I rather have this rain

The happiness that has been given to us
I think I wrote it too soon.
I think that’s it.
When this rain is over
I have to live again.
~
I just suddenly thought of you
It’s not that I miss you or anything
The way back home is too long
I guess I didn’t have enough to think about

Are you still the same as before?
Are you still the way I remember you?
~
I’m sorry, it’s my fault
Thank you, it’s all thanks to you
These were words you said out of habit
Even though I knew you were struggling too
You probably think I’m a fool

If I say that things are hard with a crying face
Will it really get better?
If I cry and say it hurts, who will have a harder time?
Everyone will be fine

Maybe we trapped each other
Inside our own misunderstandings
No, you don’t understand me
Whenever I see your worried eyes

We’re together but we’re not walking together
Loneliness and misery, the difference is only one memory
But why do you keep trying to write it as something else?

Friday, August 11, 2017

SVT/ all the adenosine in the world

beautiful lyrics to listen to on a rainy day!
night shift later

i love learning a new language. it feels like opening a whole new world. SO satisfying when i can read and understand the sogang 3a book! hahah. i'm at around chapter 6 now. bought sogang 3b the other day and it's lying there on the table just waiting to be opened.

yeaH there are many stresses and worries in life, but for what ive got so far, thank you God :) i truly dont even deserve this much so thank you.


cover by SVT dokyeom

When darkness falls
I’m left alone again
Until the day dawns I stay up thinking
It’s hard to understand

Today I tried to believe you
No matter how much I blame myself
It’s impossible to hate you
It’s impossible to trust you My memories haven’t faded

I must have loved you a lot back then
But I must have been the only one in love
It wasn’t the pain of losing you
It was the side of you I didn’t know that made me feel so lonely

When the sun rises it all becomes forgotten like this
To go back in time 
My memories don’t go that far

my heart misses it, but knows we no longer can be
Making it impossible to count on you again 
Impossible to want anything from you

~


jessica - summer storm 
I don’t wanna waste time
This too shall pass
Like always
I’ll be stronger once again

Don’t say it’s a beautiful farewell
Because it’s really selfish
Because it makes me have hope
Although it’s not for you

On that rainy day, you and I
The moment we didn’t say a word
Only awkward silence flowed between us
As it pushed us apart
With cold faces
Into the falling rain
Bring me back to the summer storms
With you and I

After it passed like a storm
And I opened my eyes
You’re no longer here
I realize
I truly believed you

I was afraid
Of not being able to see you that summer
Because I knew it could never go back
I was lost on winding paths but now
I won’t regret

~
BTOB minhyuk - purple rain


your back view that is still clear like stinging thorns 
I guess it rained overnight
I wondered if this was a dream
All those what-if’s
I’ll get used to it at the blink of an eye
Yea, I’ll get used to it
I believe it, I hypnotize myself
I’ll become indifferent

Falling in the rain
Oh Falling

What was the problem?
Was it even a problem?
Hanging onto a question without an answer
I try to get an answer but
The only thing remaining
Is this damn habit, this cruel habit
Of still seeing you clearly when I open my eyes
The habit of drawing you out in the falling rain

I’ll be straight forward, I still regret it
It doesn’t matter on who was right or wrong
Trapped in the illusions of if-only’s
It’s too late for us to start again

tomorrow, today



Why must I decide about tomorrow, today?
How should I know what tomorrow will bring?
My path and my dreams are fading

If I could turn back time
And see my future
I would know which way to go
I would know where my path is

Why are you telling me to choose
When I only have my eyes half-open?
Somebody let me know
Tell me which way to go
Cuz I don’t, don’t, don’t know

Again today, there are questions I don’t know
I’m trying to answer but I’m not confident
Is it this way or that way?
I’m afraid of my decision

With an anxious heart heart heart heart
I’m standing in front of the next next next choice
Between paths that I’ve never gone on before
How can I find my way? I’m afraid, day by day

Even when I’m busy, they endlessly ask
I’m going forward but I keep looking back
What will I become at the end?
Will I regret it if I look back later on?

I clench my fists but I’m still timid
But I stop myself and try to have courage

Across the disappearing day
I’m standing right here
As I let go of another day that I can’t turn back
Tell me, tell me
So tell me which way to go

Sunday, July 30, 2017

this is the sound of surviving



a comment on one of the youtube vids from nichole nordeman's new album: " Some music is just nice, but this is more. Some transports you to places you've been, things you've seen, and makes you think about how miraculously God can bring you through fire and joy and everything in between." THIS. EXACTLY HOW I FEEL ABOUT HER MUSIC. altho there is a little more fire than joy. but there is joy too. LIKE FRCEM PRIMARY. thank you for that dear God! means alot to me, surviving that, for various reasonS. (of course the classic is her song i am) but the new songs give a hard fight toooo [Verse 1] They told me I'd never get to tell my story Too many bullet holes It would take a miracle These voices Inside my head like poison Trying to steal my hope Silencing my soul [Pre-Chorus 1] But my story is only now beginning Don't try to write my ending Nobody gets to sing my song [Verse 2] These pieces The ones that left me bleeding Intended for my pain Became the gift You gave me I gathered those pieces into a mountain My freedom is in view I'm stronger than I knew [Pre-Chorus 2] And this hill is not the one I die on I'm going to lift my eyes and I'm going to keep on climbing [Bridge] I'm still here Say it to the pain, say it to the rain Say it to your fear [Chorus 2] This is the sound of surviving This is my farewell to fear This is my whole heart deciding I'm still here, I'm still here

you were only always here/ every mile mattered

so i woke up to find one of my favorite singers released a new album reccently and this song popped up on my spotify!


you're here - nichole nordeman

[Verse 1]
In my younger years
I found You beneath the steeple
In the faces of Your people
Could hear You in the hymns
In my younger years
Then later on
I met You on a road, once winding
Seeking but not always finding
With the building gone
You still loved me later on

[Pre-Chorus]
Anywhere You are is sanctuary
Everywhere You are is where I'm free

[Chorus]
You're here, You're here
The only invitation that You need
Is the very air I breathe
You're here, You're here
I will never be alone
You will be always be my home
'Cause You're here

[Verse 2]
In the same small room
Staring at the life I've chosen
Hoping that the door's still open
To give my heart to You
In this same small room
What could separate
Me from all the ways You love me?
Nothing below or above me
Could get in the way
This is what You say

[Bridge]
You're still in my story, when my tears fall on the dirt
You're there in the morning, wrapping grace around what hurts
You were in the questions, in the silence on the phone
You were paying cab fare, making sure I made it home
I believed in too far, I believed in my worst fear
But You were never moving closer, You were only always here!

You will always be my home
I don't have to be alone

every mile mattered - nichole nordeman 
[Pre-Chorus]
I see shoulda beens, coulda beens
Written all over your face
Wrong turns and bridges burned
Things you wanna change

[Chorus 1]
It's history
You can't rewrite it
You're not meant to be trapped inside it
Every tear brought you here
Every sorrow gathered
Yeah, it's history
And every mile mattered

[Verse 2]
Get the box off the top shelf, with the black and white
Snapshots of your old self, in a better light
Ghosts and regrets back again, I can see it in your eyes
Send them home, let 'em go

[Chorus 2]
But it's history
It don't define you
You're free to leave
It all behind you

[Bridge]
And every road and every bend
Every bruise and bitter end
All you squandered, all you spent
It mattered, it mattered
Mercy always finds a way
To wrap your blisters up in grace
And every highway you'd erase
It mattered, it mattered

~
you were there, in the snowy runs in edinburgh. you were there when i tripped over a tree root. you were there when i fell and picked myself up again, running up arthur's seat on a slow sunday morning. you were there when i thought i saw fireworks but what i saw was actually an illusion. walking with the wrong person, in the wrong country, on what was literally the wrong path. you were there as the darkness lifted and the night came to an end, when i was sitting in the taxi home, trying to find enough money for the cab fare. you were there telling me that despite what i thought, there was a plan after all, there was an end to all the eternal heartbreaks.

you were there when no one believed in me, you sent angels to wipe my tears in the stairways. you still send angels to encourage me when i feel down. like dr j. i am SO so endebted to her encouragement, i think she has no idea how much strength she gave me just from what she told me. 

in the same small room, staring at the life i've chosen, hoping that the door's still open
i realize that you were only always here. after all these years, you're still here. 

and every road and every bend, every bruise and bitter end, it mattered, mercy always finds a way :)

random sunday thoughts

kutless - identity
I’ve been looking from the outside, outside
I’ve been walking on a straight line, straight line
Scared to let the world see my failures, who I am, or who I’ve been

I’ve been waiting for somebody else to
Take the chance that I am so afraid to
I don’t know how to find myself am I the only one the only one

I am so tired of trying to prove it I’m never gonna do it alone
God I need You to be my identity

It’s always easier to hide behind that
Camouflage that keeps our hearts so guarded
But there’s no shame when we surrender everything to You
Everything to You


"Overcome"

You can’t see a way, then a mountain moves,
Skies are lonely gray, then the sun breaks through,
When your darkest hour surrenders to the dawn.

No where left to turn, but the sea will part,
Running out of hope, still He holds your heart,
And He won’t let go, He’s with you through it all.

His love will overcome, overcome,
His love has already won, already won.

Will you take a stand, and a step of faith,
Will you trust the hands, that calm the waves,
You don’t have to ever be afraid, He is with you through it all.
Deep and wide an endless tide from age to age,
Stronger than whatever we will face.


~

i really love the new parish prayer. that without needing to get on a plane to spain, we are on this camino called life. tell me about it. 

~

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

swimming



such a calming song!


also a super awesome jay park x 1millionstudios collab

skip for long ramblings
every now and then i realize i have a really inmature side to myself. lol. most of the time nowadays i feel very OLD AND JADED. and its like, where did the time go?! used to answer "4 mths" when pts asked me how long i've worked for. now its like... "more than three years". even if a patient were to ask me how many t&ses ive done it would be like... i cant even count anymore, feels like i'm t&sing shins everyday. and nowadays the mcr numbers start with 63! omg. suffice it to say i feel verYy old atm. it also feels like ive given up on nearly everything, not that i'm depressed or anything but i guess somewhere along the day, hoping got a little too painful so i kinda gave up. in a good way! im just chillaxing around enjoying life nowadays. like just literally doing whatever i want. watching dramas, buying concert tix for artists ive always wanted to watch, going on hols ive always wanted to go for, meeting up with friends - the few that have stayed all these years. HAHA. (oh and t&sing shin lacerations and trying my darnest to be safe and meet quota. the eternal struggle, but it does seem to be much easier these days with time, and with lovely colleagues and the fantastic ed nurses!)

ok so that said, i also do acknowledge my very inmature occasional side. i'm definitely NOt proud of it. i guess in life sometimes its not just yourself to blame, also others, however you cant control others but you can control yourself. yeah i could have had an even happier or faster happy ending which clearly hasnt quite come my way yet. but despite that, i have definitely accomplished more wth my life than i could have quite imagined or hoped for when i was younger. with all that maths and physics that i truly sucked at, not to mention chinese, that's like HALF THE SUBJECTS, i dont know how i made it to this med school thing. med school itself was quite okay though surprisingly HAHA. so anyway making it to this day is pretty awesome and then also just becoming a halfway competent paeds mo and then changing to adult med, and becoming less noob daily, to me feels like a huge accomplishment. of cos i still have loads to learn, but ive still come a long way. and there is no question in my mind where my help comes from :)

SO. for times when i feel tempted to slip into the old refrains and complaining abt my life and unfairness (SO teenage angst omg), just need to remember all the miracles that He has done thus far. and know that He is going to continue bringing me through it all :) even if maybe there arent any more miracles after this, i think the ones that have occured are already so awesome and amazing and i was so underserving of them, that its also not really fair of me to expect loads more to come. i mean. i've benefited so much already from God's grace and love, it's time to give back and not to just be a parasite sucking out infinite amts of chocolate and korean dramas out of life (who me? heh). 

just need to take a rain check sometimes and take a deep breath. and remember that pple are sometimes (very often) unreasonable but that since i have already experienced such inmeasurable and unexplainable grace and love, i guess i can put aside my innate debater instinct to argue my points and say that HEY ACTUALLY IM RIGHT IM RIGHT! (cos anyway, half the time, no one listens to me. thats another of my pet peeves. WHY DOES NO ONE LISTEN TO ME WHEN IM RIGHT zzzz). to say that, ok, maybe i might be right, but the right thing to do is to let it slide and do whatever leads to more peace and happiness for others. something like that anyways is what i think, ON HINDSIGHT. no really theres no point getting petty abt things sometimes. 

and its undeniable that God saved me from something really big, my past selves and what i could have been if God didnt continuously save me from myself is pretty chui. haha. so some SELFRESTRAINT to keep this newfound maturity would probably be good. 

at the end of it all actually i guess we're still human and its hard
and it really depends how you look at it.
and sometimes choosing to look at the bright side may be good or bad, i dont know. but at least you would feel marginally happier if you transiently looked at the good side. 

anyway in other news due to circumstances (e,g cannot wake up in time post night) i missed 2 weeks of church, but FINALLY made it this week, so that was nice. like one of my fellow mos bk said on his insta stories - can wake up to save lives but cannot wake up for church. or something to that extent HAHAHA that really struck a chord with me. laughed quite a bit when i saw that. i guess we dont have a choice in that we need to turn up for work no matter what, but yknow still church is good to go for it. 

after that some nice things happened including things like GETTING A GREY PLUG. some hypotensive pt and gs was like. get a grey plug. he comes back and grey plug in the foot. gs " wow so pro who set this?? the reg?" reg says "no leh my mo". FELT VERY VERY PROUD OF MYSELF at that moment haha. 

another day had a difficult plug, impossible in fact, went quite a few rounds hoping to try to find someone to save me. then i suddenly went into one of the p3 rooms and found dr S chatting with another mo there. i LITERALLY COULD NOT BELIEVE MY LUCKY STARS. he looked a bit surprised to be thus pounced upon but luckily dr S is one of the NICEST GUYS EVER so it worked out well for a desperate me. and then he taught me how to set my FIRST NECK PLUG EVER. so was vv happy after that

and then today i went to gym, first time since like 4th july. i really cant believe that my gym-addicted self has come to this stage but i suppose if my body can metabolize fat without daily gymming that could be good too, was getting way too addicted to gym when i was in med sch years if you ask me (also this means that for my weight loss/ health i sincerely need to do ed forever cos we're always running around HAHA. or maybe if one day i get much more efficient in ed and somehow manage to take hx take bld update family clear case review pt all without making several rounds around a&e, then this magical weight loss program might phail and i might need that gym membership for reals??)

nevertheless weight loss or no, that one hour of RPM was literally magic. it felt SO good to sweat it out and get an endorphin rush, and to know that for that hour i literally didnt need to worry abt ANYTHING. so this is why i can't give up my gym membership, cos endorphine rush is literally PRICELESS if you ask me. 

in conclusion, i shall try to be a more mature person (in my daily private life, i definitely endeavor to be v mature at work. and half the time you cant help but be, really.). 

okays off to sleep, simulation tomorrow and then more simulation at residency fair on sat!! excited

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

we can make it through make it through

FAV SONG EVER
will always associate this song with passing frcem primary. hahaha. cos i literally couldnt get it out of my mind just before the exam. so comfortinG

~

I know you and I, we can make it through make it through
When crashing waves pull you down in the undertow
Reach out your hand and I swear I won't let you go
I'm with you tonight

All this time You've been walking here beside me
Waiting for the day I'd call your name
So Here am I walking through the darkest valley
Shine down Your light so I can see

~
i will be the first to admit my shortcomings, whatever they may be. and i also didnt go to church the past two weeks due to circumstances and then oversleeping post night ARGH. so yeah i'm no saint, that's for sure.

but this i know, that with God, i'll make it through

~

that said, passed bcls today! haha i always have problems doing the cpr to the exact time that the machine wants and to the exact perfect depth. and i havent gymmed for literally seven mths now so i wasn't too optimistic either abt arm muscle power. i remember when i went to that same center post night for acls more than a year ago. how far i've come! and what a change in personality since then LOL.

~

i wish for many things. like unlimited time to do things like research. and for knotty problems to unknot themelvesS. i wish i could be a better person, like all the time. i wish i could finish up this research project and find a conf i really want to go for to submit it to. i really want to find the mojo to restart proper emed mugging. however i just finished a very xiong frcem primary mugging time and want to chillax HAHA. also i have very urgh memories of feb where i mugged very hard. LOL. but i guess more knowledge is better than less lah

small stepS. like making it to church this sunday! yes i willlll

Thursday, July 13, 2017

murakami continues

"You are 27 or 28 right? It is very tough to live at that age. When nothing is sure. I have sympathy for you."

"Distance might not solve anything, no matter how far you run.”

"Unspoken feelings were as heavy and lonely as the ancient glacier that had carved out the deep lake."

"I’m not a human. I’m a piece of machinery. I don’t need to feel a thing. Just forge on ahead."

"Beyond the edge of the world there’s a space where past and future form a continuous, endless loop."

One morning I awoke and the sheep was gone. It was then that I understood what it meant to be ‘sheepless.’

“More than once I tried stretching my hand out in the dark. My fingers touched nothing. The faint glow remained, just beyond my grasp.”

“It was so complicated, like something out of an existential play. Everything hit a dead end there, no alternatives left.” #waiting for godot since june 2010 #waiting for the nhs shuttle bus is like waiting for godot

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." (actually a quote by camus not murakami. but it's still nice!) 

Saturday, July 8, 2017

im your light



this song is strangely addicting hahah

im on night shift agaiN tonight. i mean i like nights (esp the pre night and post night sleeps) but 2x in one week is abit shag i think? and some nights can be really chuann. oh well. hopin to survive.

trusting is difficult but for the very little bit of happinesses sprinkled throughout the days, i thank God very much. it had been very very long without even the slightest miracle at all and it was getting a little hard to run. passing of exams and also starting to gym again was like such a huge rush of endorphins and happiness all at once. i chanced upon one of my former schmates blogs where she seems to have ?quit med to go travelling and she said that for the past three yrs she had been living with a low lvl anxiety which is why. i KNOW WHAT SHE MEANS. but in a way that low level anxiety DEFINES me. like a I KNOW THAT LIFE SUCKS and i EXPECT it to suck (primarily cos it has nearly always sucked for me in very illustrious ways). so HAH life you can't beat me! actually it can lah. but then i have my God who will save me from that in all manner of ways. # twisted life philosophies.

looking back on the last one yr of adult ed - HAS IT BEEN SO LONG.
it feels like just ytd that i stepped into an adult ed having palpitations++++
i dont feel senior or experienced in the slightest. the other night one of the mos was like "oh u know, u are the most snr mo tonight" me" HAHAHAHA omg".
i know that i have so much more to learN
the first six mths were really like honeymoon HAHAHA. anyone who knows the structure of our 2 eds will know what i mean. the second six months were exhilarating, exhausting, eye opening and educational beyond belief. i did things i could never have imagined myself doing and experienced excitement i could never have known. i realized that this is what i ALWAYS imagined medicine to be and this mental image of medicine is what made me sign up for it in the first place. yes i did get very very jaded due to a lot of circumstancial happenings but i think exchanging my idealistic innocence for this level of excitement (and anxiety) is a totally fair exchange and one i would make ANY DAY.

to this day i have no clue what God has in store for me. literally after this mopex posting i dont even know which is the best next mopex posting to apply for. (i guess i would be happiest staying in this place forever but shld i try anes to become better at intubation? icu? try other eds?) however i know that the past 1 yr of pedsed and then 1 yr of adult ed has been the MOST EXCITING and happiest time of my life. so literally thank God for those experiences.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

my everything/ and all you have begun you will complete

SO i passed my frcem primary!!! i also survived a full 6 mths ed posting, and took NO MCs at all thereby earning a very cute cert hahah along with loads of my friends. i also mananged to finish shift on time to actually get to the farewell dinner (a feat by itself..). i also then had a CRAZY night shift thereafter where we were all foaming ++++ but ok lets ignore that haha. THANK GOD the senior was the super nice and chill dr a hahaha made an otherwise foaming night all the bearable.

it was a really tough 6 mths for a variety of reasons. i think alot of the reasons were SUPRATENTORIAL. like how i studied VERY HARd in feb for the frcem primary and then alot of shithappened so then in may when i wanted to restart studying i was really NOT KEEN coz i had alot of bad memories from when i was industriously studying in feb. but i also couldnt not study coz... duh its better to pass the exam.

ANYWAY. I SURVIVED IT. thank God. met alot of awesome friends along the way as well. so many good memories. watching chest tube insertion post shift in resus with zy. meeting the hilarious R (and his phone callz omg). post frcem primary dinner at holland v with the edmopex mos, was really really nice. reminiscent of those post exam celebrations in med school! having c in ed for a good chunk of the posting was great too, its so nice to see an extra familiar face and make the ed feel even more like home haha. altho i stay there so long all the time it alr feels like home. it's still nice.

it's true that these six months have made me, or helped to harden my resolve in being JADED BEYOND BELIEF. and i dont dare to make myself unjaded, to let my walls down. i dont dare in the slightest. but yea i do think that compassion for humanity is not a bad thing, and i think its not something i should forget. its how to balance the jadedness and the walls of defence we put up so we dont get hurt by the world, and how to show others compassion at the same time. i dont deny that that is a difficult, everyday balance. i may talk really quickly to the pts due to time constraints but i try to at least be really sincere and nice in those 5 mins so that they feel that someone listened to them and that i really wanna help them and that they arent just part of my ever-changing quota numbers.

there are many seniors i really admire and respect like dr f, dr s, dr cs and so many more. (dr f is SO AMAZIN whether it be to patients or colleagues or mos, he is literally my hero, plus he is SO GOOD at m&r. i cant describe my happiness at the day he brought me thru an ultrasound guided m&r via bier's block and behind me everyone was like WHOAAA as they saw the fracture hump smoothening out on the ultrasound hahaha cheap thrill but also very very awesome). they inspire me to try my best each day and keep on going despite some days the foam +++

praying and hoping that with God's grace, i can keep on walking this ed path for many years to come. i know that if it is His will, it will come to fruition. i think what the past six months have taught me is that when you give it to God, it's not abt saying "oh i give up for five minutes cos i know God will give it to me five mins later and all will be good" like a petulant 2 year old who wants some candy. its abt being grownup and accepting that sometimes we dont get exactly perfectly what we want but in the end -whatever- happens will be for good, whatever it may be. i know that in the end its not going to be perfectly what i wanted (ummm three yrs of mopex is not exactly what i planned for so we're all good already HAHAAH), but it's going to work out well. what is well, or good, i'm not sure but i KNOW its gonna be ok. at least i hope so, but for now i'll just enjoy the busyness of ed, try to be safe and be fast, and guess what, being priviledged to live life in the fast lane is all that we could ever have hoped or prayed for. thank you God for knowing which part of medicine i would love the most and which suited me and my personality the best and guiding me (not so gently HAHA) to it.

"My Everything"

When my hope is lost
And my strength is gone
I run to you and you alone
When I can't get up and I can't go on
I run to you and you alone

'Cause you're my light in the dark
And I sing with all of my heart

My almighty God divine
I am yours and you are mine
This is all I know how to say
Hallelujah
You're my everything

When I'm plagued with pain
And filled with fear
I run to you and you alone
When my days are few
And death is near
I run to you and you alone

When trouble comes and goes
And when the cold wind blows
I lift my hands up, I lift my hands up
When sorrow knocks me down
And you pick me off the ground
I lift my hands up, I lift my hands up
And I sing

Hallelujah
By the grace of God above
I'll shine a light 'cause I am loved
Ohh Ohh, You're my everything

"For All You Are" - casting crowns

When I'm standing at the end of me
In the rubble of my broken dreams
And the wells I've dug aren't filling me
And the world I've made's not what it seems to be
My life, Your grace
Here I exchange

All of me for all You are
I lay at Your feet my broken heart
And I'll find my healing in Your scars

You're the anchor in a raging sea
In the center of the storm You are my peace
You're the dreamer of my destiny
And all You have begun You will complete

Sunday, June 25, 2017

murakami part infinity

installment infinity of how murakami quotes best describe my life:

"When you are used to the kind of life -of never getting anything you want- you stop knowing what it is you want.”

"I can almost get anything I wanted, except the one thing that I really want more than anything else."

"I’m confused. Really confused. And it’s a lot deeper than you think. Deeper, darker, colder."

“A wise person would have avoided getting involved from the beginning.”

The thing I’m most afraid of is me. Of not knowing what I’m going to do. Of not knowing what I’m doing right now.

"Soon, when all is well, you’re going to look back on this period of your life and be so glad that you never gave up."

"I don't have any plan at all."

"What I sought was the sense of being tossed about by some raging, savage force, in the midst of which lay something absolutely crucial."

"The one thing I understood for sure was that I didn’t understand a thing.”

Saturday, June 24, 2017

you

I stopped in my tracks and quietly looked at you
And you look at me and smile, as if asking why
I’m just so thankful that you’re by my side
If it wasn’t you
My life would’ve been so cold
Thankfully, you warmed me up

The love that you showed to me
Made me feel like I’m standing on land that I can’t fall on
In the highest point of my life that I can see

Your hands, your embrace, your everything
More than the love you gave me
I will love you
You’re always my comfort
Even after time, it’s you again
If it wasn’t true
I would’ve fallen down into this dizzy world
You are my central axis

Cuz I got you
Even my heart that was dying
It’s racing and playing like it’s 2PM again

I’ll carry all your burdens
I’ll listen to your stories and write them down together
You came to me like a fresh breath/ I promise you, even after countless days pass
~
life has been... busy again. i guess A is right... slowly we are slipping away from God... what can i say life is sometimes so insiduous and the road is not easy. but i try, i really try. i know this world doesnt care too much if we try or not, but God definitely cares! all those stolen preshift prayers in the lift, i think He hears them. i hope so. I WILL STRIVE TO DO BETTER. its difficult but i will try. 
on that note, i know it sounds terribly cliched, and one should never ever depend on ANYONE believing in one. however, for the ONE PERSON who non metaphorically did believe in me for these few days HAHAHA LOLOL and brought a lot of laughter (despite certain circumstances), thank you! altho the phone calls are literally HEARTSTOPPING makes me think of a radiographer calling me to tell me a patient has a bleed on the ct or somethinG LOL. i havent felt like i could talk so much nonsense to someone for awhile , it was nice. (which is saying sth since i talk loads of nonsense all the time).

Sunday, June 18, 2017

a little bit more



today is a day to spam awesome nuest songs! and also to hope i dont get called back... haha

~

You appeared in my dream last night again
When I opened my eyes, I see a spot on my pillow
That is stained with tears
The day you left me
Your birthday, I can’t forget these days
When those un-erasable days come
I float up a hidden picture of you in the corner of my heart
If only I can see you just one time

this bit is SO APPROPRIATE for nuest - "wait for me just a little bit more/ i'm sorry i could not protect you"

currently thinking of how i can buy or stream their songs (in a way that would be counted to make them rise up korean charts hahah)

i am also totally not going to watch anymore of these kpop survival shows anYmore. esp for boy groups. get waY too attached ++++

Saturday, June 17, 2017

wings



bts jin - awake 
It’s not that I believe it
But that I want to try holding out
Because this is all that I can do
I want to remain
I want to dream more
Yeah it’s my truth
It’s my truth
Still, I want to struggle and fight

I’m just walking and walking, among this darkness
My happy times asked me this question
You, are you really okay, it asked me
Oh no
I replied, no, I’m so afraid

Maybe I, I can never fly
I can’t fly like the flower petals over there
Or as though I have wings
Maybe I, I can’t touch the sky
Still, I want to stretch my hand out
I want to run, just a bit more

bts - wings
Take me to the sky

Remember when I was a child
I didn’t have big worries
This small feather was going to become my wings
And with those wings, I was going to fly
I believed and I was full of faith
And laughter

(Like a bird)
I went down a path people told me not to
I did things people told me not to
I wanted things I should not want
I would be hurt, hurt again
It’s to sprout my wings
I believe in you, I may be weak now
But in the end, it will be an incredible jump
Fly, fly up in the sky
Fly, fly get ’em up high
This is the path you chose dude, don’t doubt yourself
This is only the first flight uh

I fly, I fly, I fly
Higher than higher than
Higher than the sky
Spread spread spread my wings
Wings are made to fly fly fly
If my wings could fly

~
thoughts on the produce101 show ive been live watching every friday. HAHA i didnt know i would get SO attached to all the guys! #fangirl. i REALLY want to buy a melon streaming pass and stream nuest songs nonstop however i dont own an apple device so i can't dhdlhdflghdflghd SO ANNOYD. nevertheless i will totally buy their album (somehow) when they comeback! i also went to all the nuest members instagrams and messaged them HAHAHA super fangirl. like 10,000 other people who did exactly the same thing. ah well. WHAT DO I SAY, just have a comeback nuest and show mnet when you guys win #1! also one of my favs kang daniel got #1 and i really like yoon jisung too so that was great! but obviouslY heartbroken for jonghyun and dongho. ESP DONGHO whom i REALLY SUPER LIKE. ok anyway.

nuest- overcome


love you guys nuest!!
ok back to normal programming IE thoroughly slacking at home and enjoying my day off!

Thursday, June 15, 2017

spring day

more BTS good stuff


v and j hope's cover of hug me - original song by jung joon il

I couldn’t win over my upset heart
again I’m enduring the dark and sleepless nights
without regard for my despair
the morning indifferently wakes me

the wound burns more than expected
the hurt goes deeper than expected
the countless nights of resenting you are like hell to me

if you go one step further away like this
I can just take one more step and that’s enough

I thought about you thousands of times a day
the unforgiving words that you said to me
that icy gaze and those cold expressions

you were an incredibly pretty person
you were an incredibly pretty person
please don’t be like this to me, you know me well

j-hope's rap part:
the words that you said so lightly at that time
made it so light, our relationship
I didn’t know that ‘being used to it’ would be scarier than anything
I don’t know your heart, up until we ultimately said a goodbye full of regret
as the days pass it gets bigger, the empty space you left
even if we
give water to our flower bed that used to be so beautiful, the
full blooms have all become nothing but memories
only the scent of loneliness gushes forth
if I could see you again I,
i want to show you everything I have
I want to convey it all to you, I
for real for real
until you hold this sincerity in your embrace once again


and a very pretty wintery mv, conversely named spring day HAHA

I miss you
Time is so cruel
I hate us
Now it’s hard
To even see each other’s faces
It’s only winter here
Even in August, winter is here

My heart makes time run
Like a Snowpiercer left alone
How much longing
Has to fall like snow
For the spring days to come?

Like a small piece of dust
That floats in the air
Did you change?
Or did I change?
I hate even this moment that is passing
I guess we changed
I guess that’s how everything is

Yeah I hate you
Although you left
There hasn’t been a day
That I have forgotten you

Honestly, I miss you
But now I’ll erase you
Because that will hurt less
Than resenting you

I’m blowing out the cold you
Like smoke, like white smoke
I say that I’m gonna erase you
But actually, I still can’t let you go

Snowflakes are falling
Getting farther away

You know it all
You’re my best friend
The morning will come again
Because no darkness, no season
Can last forever

Cherry blossoms are blooming
The winter is ending
Past the end of this cold winter
Until the spring comes again
Until the flowers bloom again

so far away/ dream



really into BTS these days!!
suga's so far away is lovelyy

on a random note, i was really happy to do my 2nd M&R under bier's block with ultrasound confirmation ytd with the help of a SUPER NICE con!!! MUCH thanks to the resus pple who let me do it even tho they had loads of manpower and could have prolly done it themselves hahah. altho i super did not meet my quota after that as it was uber chill and i had to literally stalk the triage ecg room to get my patients and push the pts into cc myself, NO REGRETS coz i learnt a lot (plus the alignment on repeat xray was PERFECT so very very happy!!). ok maybe i will regret it later when they tell me i am very slow wahaha. oh WELL. LEAVE IT TO GOD. at least i did something cool today. i mean ive done quite a few m&rs by now (probably abt 5? and i think most of them have quite good alignment except maybe only one had liike just acceptable alignment only). but it was just SO cool with the ultrasound conformation like im pulling the hand and from behind i hear a loud "WHOAA" as everyone looks at the us machine. hahaha so THANK YOU to one of the nicest cons EVER. literally my hero!

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

i'm with you/ i know you and i we can make it through make it through

"I'm With You"

Here am I
I’ve tried to live without You
It's the reason that I feel so far away
I understand
You see everything I go through
and listen to the broken words I pray

I know You hear me
I know You're answering me saying

Fall in my arms and let me carry you carry you
I know you and I, we can make it through make it through
When crashing waves pull you down in the undertow
Reach out your hand and I swear I won't let you go
I'm with you tonight

All this time You've been walking here beside me
Waiting for the day I'd call your name
So Here am I walking through the darkest valley
Shine down Your light so I can see

You know I'm weary
I know You're calling out to me

Fall in my arms I will carry you
I know you and I will make it through
All who need rest all who are lonely
Come to me now and just let it go
~

current song on repeat
perfect pre d-day song
I KNOW YOU AND I, WE CAN MAKE IT THROUGH MAKE IT THROUGH

#sohereamiwalkingthroughthedarkestvalley

if we've ever needed you/ it's now

"If We've Ever Needed You"

Hear our cry, Lord we pray,
Our faces down, our hands are raised,
You called us out, we turned away,
With ship wrecked faith, idols rise,
We do what is right, in our own eyes,
We need Your light, Lord, shine Your light. 
If we've ever needed You, Lord, it's now, Lord, it's now, 
We are desperate for Your hand, we're reachin' out, we're reachin' out.

All our hearts, all our strength,
With all our minds, we're at Your fate,
We need You now

"always enough"

In the dry and weary land
Lord, You are the rain
In a sea of shattered ones
Your love comes rushing in

You hold the world within Your hands
And see each tear that falls
Through every fire and every storm
You're always enough, always enough

Your love is peace to the broken
Your love is the anthem of nations
Rings out through the ages
And You're always enough for me

In the watches of the night
Lord, You are my song
Hope is in the morning light
Your love shines like the dawn

You keep my heart in perfect peace
My life is in Your hands
When confusion hides my way
You're always enough, always enough

~
spamming casting crowns songs
i don't really know what to say. 
but i guess these songs say it well enough. 
one day i will come out of this storm. i hope. HAHA. 
meanwhilst ive learnt to withstand the storms of this life. praising God in the storm, that's gotta be my specialty. 
i guess there are many many things i pray for and many things i hope for and many things i fear, and it seems like no matter how many years pass in the end it's still the same me (hopefully the original me had some good points since it seems like no matter how i run i cant run away from myself HAHA). 
amongst the many things i pray for (topmost being BEING A GOOD DOCTOR cos its actually reeally hard and so many things to know and do. but im lovin the process by itself.), it would be good if i could survive tomorrow's exam. not sure what it means by survive but i guess passing would be really good. 
whether i deserve it or not, not very sure bout that. these days i dont really know what is the definition of deserving. of miracles. 

"one more day/ he will make a way/ let Him show you how
i'm not strong enough
can He find me here?
can He keep me from going under?
oh my soul,
you are not alone
there's a place where fear has to face the God you know"

swallow all the fears and worries, and do what i can with the next twentyfour hours
i'll do what i can, and God will do the rest
and all things will work for His good

even this, even this will be made beautiful

i'll put my trust in that. 

Monday, June 5, 2017

beautiful times

"Beautiful Times"
(feat. Lindsey Stirling)

A spark soaring down through the pouring rain
And restoring life to the lighthouse
A slow motion wave on the ocean
Stirs my emotion up like a rain cloud

When did the sky turn black?
And when will the light come back?

I fought all through the night
Oh, oh, but I made it alive
The sun's starting to rise
Oh, oh, these are beautiful times
This fight of my life is so hard, so hard, so hard
But I'm gonna survive
Oh, oh, these are beautiful times
~
sounds like a good night shift song HAHA.
#i fought all through the night, oh oh but i made it alive


first spotify song of the day!

"A Way To See In The Dark"

Here I am
Begging for certainty again
But simple trust
Is what you're asking me to give
If I am saved
You tell me it will not be by sight

The question mark
Hung at the end of every fear
Is answered by
The promise that you are with me here
And that's all I've got
When the lights go out and I lose my way
So I'll close my eyes
I won't be afraid, I won't be afraid

If You are my help, my hope and my vision 
One step at a time You will lead

So I reach for your hand in the night
When the shadows swallow the light
'Cause I'm giving up, giving in 
Once again a childlike faith
Is my only way
To see in the dark
To see in the dark
~

doesnt matter how deep or dark the night is, keep on shining
just keep your head up

Sunday, June 4, 2017

never/ murakami kick

“I focused on that point of light for a long, long time. It made me think of something like the final throb of a soul's dying embers.”

"Maybe the star doesn't even exist any more. Yet sometimes that light seems more real to me than anything."

"Reality seemed to have left me and was now wandering around nearby. I hope it can find me." [sincere hope]

"It was a rambling, incoherent dream without any setting. All that was there was a feeling of being in motion."

“I felt as if I were living alone in an extremely well-cared-for ruin.”

Was I happy? Yes. If I looked at things from a distance. [a VERY VERY FAR DISTANCE]

"That's what we all do: endlessly take the long way around." [#story of my life]

“Something will work out tomorrow, I thought. And if not, then tomorrow I'll do some thinking."

“If your confusion leads you in the right direction, the results can be uncommonly rewarding.” HAH 

each time i read these murakami quotes, i have such a difficult time deciding which one is the story of my life. hahah. i think the rambling incoherent dream/ star that doesnt exist might be it. sooo hard to chooose



today's song on replay nonstop! also number 1 on korean charts atm! yeah im more than slightly obsessed with this song/ produce 101 hahah.

PRODUCE 101 - NEVER
I don’t want to love you eh
In the memories that cannot be stopped yeah eh
Everytime everywhere
I can only see you in my head

I repeatedly erase you everyday
But as I look back, it’s a bright and dazzling road
By all means, I won’t leave even a trace of you eh

Not anymore, never ever
But why is my heart filling itself with you again
We’re not forever
We, that were once beautiful

Leave my side yeah
I’m very scared of you yeah (DAEHWI)
Everytime everywhere
It was a love that my life wouldn’t even be wasted for

(JONGHYUN'S PART DAEBAK)
I don’t wanna know
I don’t wanna know
The heart that turned its back on me
And those words, keep it to yourself
So I can forget all the moments I had with you and all the memories
I’m going on my way

Saturday, June 3, 2017

open up (열어줘)



best performance EVERRR

seriously awesome

Friday, June 2, 2017

so even in the dark im saying thank you/ the very next thing

its JUNE. how did half the year go by so fast?!

midyear reflections on 2017:

jan 2017: thank You for showing me that light can overcome darkness, that when all the doors are closed and we are despairing, you will open a window, and light and rainbows will come again.

//survived a night shift (and saw 18 pts! i cld prolly have seen up to 20 if i didnt have 2 difficult blds./ but this is also thanks to v nice bosses, and calling eye 3x in one night. HAHA. for the record, i did NOT cherrypick my cases and saw them strictly in order)

feb 2017

//had a really busy fever shift ytd and the nurses commented as i was psyching myself up mid shift "you're really good at this selfmotivating thing yeah"
(me " YAY! 7 patients! there were 9 just now! we're doing a good job!")

march 2017:

John 1:5 “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”

// 2 weeks ago when the lights went out and the only thing i could see was candles in the darkness at the end of the long aisle. that's when i knew - that no matter what happens, and no matter what we do, that God is always there. that each setback is just God protecting us from something. sometimes yeah we screw up life. but He will turn it all for good in the end

april 2017:

at least there is some hope - that easter sunday will eventually come - that the sun will eventually rise again. that at some point God will come and save me from myself. maybe God will come and work some miracles, maybe he has already worked the miracles. these postings have been really great. i have learnt a lot that i really didnt know before. i dont know how i expected to join drs without borders/ do mission trips with literally only peds knowledge/ how to treat urtis and do t&s and remove fbs and m&rs and document on computers. and God answered my plug setting prayers.

may 2017:
 conf was AWESOME, a great honor, my first int'l conf, very inspiring!!! a bright spot just as i was getting really very jaded and exhausted from the daily gridnd. and not least coz of the FREE FLOW OF STARBUCKS. one of those things where u realize God is answering all your small and big prayers in unexpected ways.

thought catalog:
~
Thank you for the pain. Thank you for the days I was afraid of my future, for the heartbreak, for the tough lessons, for the exhaustion and brokenness. Because I learned I am whole in you.

Thank you for the unanswered prayers.

Because this life is not about receiving what I ask for, not about basing my relationship with you on what I get, not about wishes being granted and having things my way. For your plan is greater than mine will ever be. And every unanswered prayer was a blessing in disguise.

Thank you for being all that I needed. For listening when I poured my heart out, for guiding me when I lost my footing, for being a source of inspiration and trust, for staying when the world turned its back. 

Thank you for forgiveness. For forgiving me, for helping me learn to forgive, for the way forgiveness heals and saves and lets us begin again with new hope. Thank you for building my heart back to its full strength. Thank you for showing me how beautiful life can be when we let go. Thank you for opportunities, for new beginnings.

Thank you for hope.
~

"The Very Next Thing"

I spend all my time
Dreaming what the future's gonna bring
When all of this time
There's a world passing by
Right in front of me
Set my sights on tomorrow
While I'm tripping over today

Who says big things
Are somewhere off in the distance
I don't want to look back
Just to see all the times that I missed it
I want to be here and now
Starting right here, right now

With the very next words of love to be spoken
To the very next heart that's shattered and broken
To the very next way you're gonna use me
Show me the next thing
I'll do the next thing

Let my very next breath
Breathe out a song of praise to you
With my very next step
Be on a road that was planned by you
Lord, wherever you're leading me
That's where I want to be

Eyes wide open I see you working
All around me you're on the move (I'll do the next thing)
Step by step I'm running to meet you
In the next thing, in the next thing

~
ok. EXAM MUGGINg

Saturday, May 27, 2017

really really



winner's swag in (literally) street dancing version of really really. HAHAHA. v cute

if it was you

random collection of thoughts
1) I LOVE ICELAND. want to move there stat. nuff said.

2. produce 101 season 2 highlights

jung seung hwan's song if it was you from oh hae young (love when the things i love intersect haha)


NU'EST edited to seem like F4 HAHAHA

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

thought catalog

http://thoughtcatalog.com/marisa-donnelly/2016/12/dear-god-thank-you/ 

found this awesome piece on thought catalog:
~
Thank you for this heart.

For this little muscle beating inside my chest. Thank you for its resilience, for its strength. Thank you for helping it beat, through every workout, through every morning when I was so so tired, and didn’t want to face the world. Thank you for giving me physical strength—to overcome obstacles, to push myself, to never quit.

Thank you for the pain.

Thank you for all the nights my tears blended with the shower water, the nights I didn’t think I’d get over him or when I felt so misunderstood. Thank you for the days I was afraid of my future, terrified of where I would go to college, or if I would do well on a test, or if my words could actually mean anything. Thank you for the heartbreak, for the tough lessons, for the exhaustion and brokenness. Because I learned I am whole in you.

Thank you for the lonely nights.

The nights I stayed up late, watching headlights dance across my bedroom window or the stars flickering somewhere off in the distance. Thank you for showing me how to heal and how to be on my own. Thank you for building my strength, day by day. Thank you for reminding me that emptiness is temporary, and that I can always be filled in with your love.

Thank you for the ones that left.

At the time their leaving felt like a betrayal, and I thought you had turned your back on me. But you were showing me who was temporary, and who was there to stay. You were showing me that I cannot put my faith in sinful people, cannot depend on them for the source of my happiness, but can instead must lean on you. And you won’t leave. Thank you for never leaving, and promising to stay by my side forever.

Thank you for the unanswered prayers.

Because this life is not about receiving what I ask for, not about basing my relationship with you on what I get, not about wishes being granted and having things my way. For your plan is greater than mine will ever be. And every unanswered prayer was a blessing in disguise.

Thank you for being all that I needed.

For listening when I poured my heart out, for guiding me when I lost my footing, for being a source of inspiration and trust, for reminding me that I am yours, forever. And that I am loved. Thank you for staying when the world turned its back. Thank you for reminding me that no matter how harsh this life gets, you will always be here. Thank you for giving your son to die for my sins.

Thank you for forgiveness.

For forgiving me, for helping me learn to forgive, for the way forgiveness heals and saves and lets us begin again with new hope. Thank you for building my heart back to its full strength. Thank you for showing me how beautiful life can be when we let go. Thank you for opportunities, for new beginnings.

Thank you for hope.