About Me

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

we can make it through make it through

FAV SONG EVER
will always associate this song with passing frcem primary. hahaha. cos i literally couldnt get it out of my mind just before the exam. so comfortinG

~

I know you and I, we can make it through make it through
When crashing waves pull you down in the undertow
Reach out your hand and I swear I won't let you go
I'm with you tonight

All this time You've been walking here beside me
Waiting for the day I'd call your name
So Here am I walking through the darkest valley
Shine down Your light so I can see

~
i will be the first to admit my shortcomings, whatever they may be. and i also didnt go to church the past two weeks due to circumstances and then oversleeping post night ARGH. so yeah i'm no saint, that's for sure.

but this i know, that with God, i'll make it through

~

that said, passed bcls today! haha i always have problems doing the cpr to the exact time that the machine wants and to the exact perfect depth. and i havent gymmed for literally seven mths now so i wasn't too optimistic either abt arm muscle power. i remember when i went to that same center post night for acls more than a year ago. how far i've come! and what a change in personality since then LOL.

~

i wish for many things. like unlimited time to do things like research. and for knotty problems to unknot themelvesS. i wish i could be a better person, like all the time. i wish i could finish up this research project and find a conf i really want to go for to submit it to. i really want to find the mojo to restart proper emed mugging. however i just finished a very xiong frcem primary mugging time and want to chillax HAHA. also i have very urgh memories of feb where i mugged very hard. LOL. but i guess more knowledge is better than less lah

small stepS. like making it to church this sunday! yes i willlll

Thursday, July 13, 2017

murakami continues

"You are 27 or 28 right? It is very tough to live at that age. When nothing is sure. I have sympathy for you."

"Distance might not solve anything, no matter how far you run.”

"Unspoken feelings were as heavy and lonely as the ancient glacier that had carved out the deep lake."

"I’m not a human. I’m a piece of machinery. I don’t need to feel a thing. Just forge on ahead."

"Beyond the edge of the world there’s a space where past and future form a continuous, endless loop."

One morning I awoke and the sheep was gone. It was then that I understood what it meant to be ‘sheepless.’

“More than once I tried stretching my hand out in the dark. My fingers touched nothing. The faint glow remained, just beyond my grasp.”

“It was so complicated, like something out of an existential play. Everything hit a dead end there, no alternatives left.” #waiting for godot since june 2010 #waiting for the nhs shuttle bus is like waiting for godot

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." (actually a quote by camus not murakami. but it's still nice!) 

Saturday, July 8, 2017

im your light



this song is strangely addicting hahah

im on night shift agaiN tonight. i mean i like nights (esp the pre night and post night sleeps) but 2x in one week is abit shag i think? and some nights can be really chuann. oh well. hopin to survive.

trusting is difficult but for the very little bit of happinesses sprinkled throughout the days, i thank God very much. it had been very very long without even the slightest miracle at all and it was getting a little hard to run. passing of exams and also starting to gym again was like such a huge rush of endorphins and happiness all at once. i chanced upon one of my former schmates blogs where she seems to have ?quit med to go travelling and she said that for the past three yrs she had been living with a low lvl anxiety which is why. i KNOW WHAT SHE MEANS. but in a way that low level anxiety DEFINES me. like a I KNOW THAT LIFE SUCKS and i EXPECT it to suck (primarily cos it has nearly always sucked for me in very illustrious ways). so HAH life you can't beat me! actually it can lah. but then i have my God who will save me from that in all manner of ways. # twisted life philosophies.

looking back on the last one yr of adult ed - HAS IT BEEN SO LONG.
it feels like just ytd that i stepped into an adult ed having palpitations++++
i dont feel senior or experienced in the slightest. the other night one of the mos was like "oh u know, u are the most snr mo tonight" me" HAHAHAHA omg".
i know that i have so much more to learN
the first six mths were really like honeymoon HAHAHA. anyone who knows the structure of our 2 eds will know what i mean. the second six months were exhilarating, exhausting, eye opening and educational beyond belief. i did things i could never have imagined myself doing and experienced excitement i could never have known. i realized that this is what i ALWAYS imagined medicine to be and this mental image of medicine is what made me sign up for it in the first place. yes i did get very very jaded due to a lot of circumstancial happenings but i think exchanging my idealistic innocence for this level of excitement (and anxiety) is a totally fair exchange and one i would make ANY DAY.

to this day i have no clue what God has in store for me. literally after this mopex posting i dont even know which is the best next mopex posting to apply for. (i guess i would be happiest staying in this place forever but shld i try anes to become better at intubation? icu? try other eds?) however i know that the past 1 yr of pedsed and then 1 yr of adult ed has been the MOST EXCITING and happiest time of my life. so literally thank God for those experiences.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

my everything/ and all you have begun you will complete

SO i passed my frcem primary!!! i also survived a full 6 mths ed posting, and took NO MCs at all thereby earning a very cute cert hahah along with loads of my friends. i also mananged to finish shift on time to actually get to the farewell dinner (a feat by itself..). i also then had a CRAZY night shift thereafter where we were all foaming ++++ but ok lets ignore that haha. THANK GOD the senior was the super nice and chill dr a hahaha made an otherwise foaming night all the bearable.

it was a really tough 6 mths for a variety of reasons. i think alot of the reasons were SUPRATENTORIAL. like how i studied VERY HARd in feb for the frcem primary and then alot of shithappened so then in may when i wanted to restart studying i was really NOT KEEN coz i had alot of bad memories from when i was industriously studying in feb. but i also couldnt not study coz... duh its better to pass the exam.

ANYWAY. I SURVIVED IT. thank God. met alot of awesome friends along the way as well. so many good memories. watching chest tube insertion post shift in resus with zy. meeting the hilarious R (and his phone callz omg). post frcem primary dinner at holland v with the edmopex mos, was really really nice. reminiscent of those post exam celebrations in med school! having c in ed for a good chunk of the posting was great too, its so nice to see an extra familiar face and make the ed feel even more like home haha. altho i stay there so long all the time it alr feels like home. it's still nice.

it's true that these six months have made me, or helped to harden my resolve in being JADED BEYOND BELIEF. and i dont dare to make myself unjaded, to let my walls down. i dont dare in the slightest. but yea i do think that compassion for humanity is not a bad thing, and i think its not something i should forget. its how to balance the jadedness and the walls of defence we put up so we dont get hurt by the world, and how to show others compassion at the same time. i dont deny that that is a difficult, everyday balance. i may talk really quickly to the pts due to time constraints but i try to at least be really sincere and nice in those 5 mins so that they feel that someone listened to them and that i really wanna help them and that they arent just part of my ever-changing quota numbers.

there are many seniors i really admire and respect like dr f, dr s, dr cs and so many more. (dr f is SO AMAZIN whether it be to patients or colleagues or mos, he is literally my hero, plus he is SO GOOD at m&r. i cant describe my happiness at the day he brought me thru an ultrasound guided m&r via bier's block and behind me everyone was like WHOAAA as they saw the fracture hump smoothening out on the ultrasound hahaha cheap thrill but also very very awesome). they inspire me to try my best each day and keep on going despite some days the foam +++

praying and hoping that with God's grace, i can keep on walking this ed path for many years to come. i know that if it is His will, it will come to fruition. i think what the past six months have taught me is that when you give it to God, it's not abt saying "oh i give up for five minutes cos i know God will give it to me five mins later and all will be good" like a petulant 2 year old who wants some candy. its abt being grownup and accepting that sometimes we dont get exactly perfectly what we want but in the end -whatever- happens will be for good, whatever it may be. i know that in the end its not going to be perfectly what i wanted (ummm three yrs of mopex is not exactly what i planned for so we're all good already HAHAAH), but it's going to work out well. what is well, or good, i'm not sure but i KNOW its gonna be ok. at least i hope so, but for now i'll just enjoy the busyness of ed, try to be safe and be fast, and guess what, being priviledged to live life in the fast lane is all that we could ever have hoped or prayed for. thank you God for knowing which part of medicine i would love the most and which suited me and my personality the best and guiding me (not so gently HAHA) to it.

"My Everything"

When my hope is lost
And my strength is gone
I run to you and you alone
When I can't get up and I can't go on
I run to you and you alone

'Cause you're my light in the dark
And I sing with all of my heart

My almighty God divine
I am yours and you are mine
This is all I know how to say
Hallelujah
You're my everything

When I'm plagued with pain
And filled with fear
I run to you and you alone
When my days are few
And death is near
I run to you and you alone

When trouble comes and goes
And when the cold wind blows
I lift my hands up, I lift my hands up
When sorrow knocks me down
And you pick me off the ground
I lift my hands up, I lift my hands up
And I sing

Hallelujah
By the grace of God above
I'll shine a light 'cause I am loved
Ohh Ohh, You're my everything

"For All You Are" - casting crowns

When I'm standing at the end of me
In the rubble of my broken dreams
And the wells I've dug aren't filling me
And the world I've made's not what it seems to be
My life, Your grace
Here I exchange

All of me for all You are
I lay at Your feet my broken heart
And I'll find my healing in Your scars

You're the anchor in a raging sea
In the center of the storm You are my peace
You're the dreamer of my destiny
And all You have begun You will complete

Sunday, June 25, 2017

murakami part infinity

installment infinity of how murakami quotes best describe my life:

"When you are used to the kind of life -of never getting anything you want- you stop knowing what it is you want.”

"I can almost get anything I wanted, except the one thing that I really want more than anything else."

"I’m confused. Really confused. And it’s a lot deeper than you think. Deeper, darker, colder."

“A wise person would have avoided getting involved from the beginning.”

The thing I’m most afraid of is me. Of not knowing what I’m going to do. Of not knowing what I’m doing right now.

"Soon, when all is well, you’re going to look back on this period of your life and be so glad that you never gave up."

"I don't have any plan at all."

"What I sought was the sense of being tossed about by some raging, savage force, in the midst of which lay something absolutely crucial."

"The one thing I understood for sure was that I didn’t understand a thing.”

Saturday, June 24, 2017

you

I stopped in my tracks and quietly looked at you
And you look at me and smile, as if asking why
I’m just so thankful that you’re by my side
If it wasn’t you
My life would’ve been so cold
Thankfully, you warmed me up

The love that you showed to me
Made me feel like I’m standing on land that I can’t fall on
In the highest point of my life that I can see

Your hands, your embrace, your everything
More than the love you gave me
I will love you
You’re always my comfort
Even after time, it’s you again
If it wasn’t true
I would’ve fallen down into this dizzy world
You are my central axis

Cuz I got you
Even my heart that was dying
It’s racing and playing like it’s 2PM again

I’ll carry all your burdens
I’ll listen to your stories and write them down together
You came to me like a fresh breath/ I promise you, even after countless days pass
~
life has been... busy again. i guess A is right... slowly we are slipping away from God... what can i say life is sometimes so insiduous and the road is not easy. but i try, i really try. i know this world doesnt care too much if we try or not, but God definitely cares! all those stolen preshift prayers in the lift, i think He hears them. i hope so. I WILL STRIVE TO DO BETTER. its difficult but i will try. 
on that note, i know it sounds terribly cliched, and one should never ever depend on ANYONE believing in one. however, for the ONE PERSON who non metaphorically did believe in me for these few days HAHAHA LOLOL and brought a lot of laughter (despite certain circumstances), thank you! altho the phone calls are literally HEARTSTOPPING makes me think of a radiographer calling me to tell me a patient has a bleed on the ct or somethinG LOL. i havent felt like i could talk so much nonsense to someone for awhile , it was nice. (which is saying sth since i talk loads of nonsense all the time).

Sunday, June 18, 2017

a little bit more



today is a day to spam awesome nuest songs! and also to hope i dont get called back... haha

~

You appeared in my dream last night again
When I opened my eyes, I see a spot on my pillow
That is stained with tears
The day you left me
Your birthday, I can’t forget these days
When those un-erasable days come
I float up a hidden picture of you in the corner of my heart
If only I can see you just one time

this bit is SO APPROPRIATE for nuest - "wait for me just a little bit more/ i'm sorry i could not protect you"

currently thinking of how i can buy or stream their songs (in a way that would be counted to make them rise up korean charts hahah)

i am also totally not going to watch anymore of these kpop survival shows anYmore. esp for boy groups. get waY too attached ++++

Saturday, June 17, 2017

wings



bts jin - awake 
It’s not that I believe it
But that I want to try holding out
Because this is all that I can do
I want to remain
I want to dream more
Yeah it’s my truth
It’s my truth
Still, I want to struggle and fight

I’m just walking and walking, among this darkness
My happy times asked me this question
You, are you really okay, it asked me
Oh no
I replied, no, I’m so afraid

Maybe I, I can never fly
I can’t fly like the flower petals over there
Or as though I have wings
Maybe I, I can’t touch the sky
Still, I want to stretch my hand out
I want to run, just a bit more

bts - wings
Take me to the sky

Remember when I was a child
I didn’t have big worries
This small feather was going to become my wings
And with those wings, I was going to fly
I believed and I was full of faith
And laughter

(Like a bird)
I went down a path people told me not to
I did things people told me not to
I wanted things I should not want
I would be hurt, hurt again
It’s to sprout my wings
I believe in you, I may be weak now
But in the end, it will be an incredible jump
Fly, fly up in the sky
Fly, fly get ’em up high
This is the path you chose dude, don’t doubt yourself
This is only the first flight uh

I fly, I fly, I fly
Higher than higher than
Higher than the sky
Spread spread spread my wings
Wings are made to fly fly fly
If my wings could fly

~
thoughts on the produce101 show ive been live watching every friday. HAHA i didnt know i would get SO attached to all the guys! #fangirl. i REALLY want to buy a melon streaming pass and stream nuest songs nonstop however i dont own an apple device so i can't dhdlhdflghdflghd SO ANNOYD. nevertheless i will totally buy their album (somehow) when they comeback! i also went to all the nuest members instagrams and messaged them HAHAHA super fangirl. like 10,000 other people who did exactly the same thing. ah well. WHAT DO I SAY, just have a comeback nuest and show mnet when you guys win #1! also one of my favs kang daniel got #1 and i really like yoon jisung too so that was great! but obviouslY heartbroken for jonghyun and dongho. ESP DONGHO whom i REALLY SUPER LIKE. ok anyway.

nuest- overcome


love you guys nuest!!
ok back to normal programming IE thoroughly slacking at home and enjoying my day off!

Thursday, June 15, 2017

spring day

more BTS good stuff


v and j hope's cover of hug me - original song by jung joon il

I couldn’t win over my upset heart
again I’m enduring the dark and sleepless nights
without regard for my despair
the morning indifferently wakes me

the wound burns more than expected
the hurt goes deeper than expected
the countless nights of resenting you are like hell to me

if you go one step further away like this
I can just take one more step and that’s enough

I thought about you thousands of times a day
the unforgiving words that you said to me
that icy gaze and those cold expressions

you were an incredibly pretty person
you were an incredibly pretty person
please don’t be like this to me, you know me well

j-hope's rap part:
the words that you said so lightly at that time
made it so light, our relationship
I didn’t know that ‘being used to it’ would be scarier than anything
I don’t know your heart, up until we ultimately said a goodbye full of regret
as the days pass it gets bigger, the empty space you left
even if we
give water to our flower bed that used to be so beautiful, the
full blooms have all become nothing but memories
only the scent of loneliness gushes forth
if I could see you again I,
i want to show you everything I have
I want to convey it all to you, I
for real for real
until you hold this sincerity in your embrace once again


and a very pretty wintery mv, conversely named spring day HAHA

I miss you
Time is so cruel
I hate us
Now it’s hard
To even see each other’s faces
It’s only winter here
Even in August, winter is here

My heart makes time run
Like a Snowpiercer left alone
How much longing
Has to fall like snow
For the spring days to come?

Like a small piece of dust
That floats in the air
Did you change?
Or did I change?
I hate even this moment that is passing
I guess we changed
I guess that’s how everything is

Yeah I hate you
Although you left
There hasn’t been a day
That I have forgotten you

Honestly, I miss you
But now I’ll erase you
Because that will hurt less
Than resenting you

I’m blowing out the cold you
Like smoke, like white smoke
I say that I’m gonna erase you
But actually, I still can’t let you go

Snowflakes are falling
Getting farther away

You know it all
You’re my best friend
The morning will come again
Because no darkness, no season
Can last forever

Cherry blossoms are blooming
The winter is ending
Past the end of this cold winter
Until the spring comes again
Until the flowers bloom again

so far away/ dream



really into BTS these days!!
suga's so far away is lovelyy

on a random note, i was really happy to do my 2nd M&R under bier's block with ultrasound confirmation ytd with the help of a SUPER NICE con!!! MUCH thanks to the resus pple who let me do it even tho they had loads of manpower and could have prolly done it themselves hahah. altho i super did not meet my quota after that as it was uber chill and i had to literally stalk the triage ecg room to get my patients and push the pts into cc myself, NO REGRETS coz i learnt a lot (plus the alignment on repeat xray was PERFECT so very very happy!!). ok maybe i will regret it later when they tell me i am very slow wahaha. oh WELL. LEAVE IT TO GOD. at least i did something cool today. i mean ive done quite a few m&rs by now (probably abt 5? and i think most of them have quite good alignment except maybe only one had liike just acceptable alignment only). but it was just SO cool with the ultrasound conformation like im pulling the hand and from behind i hear a loud "WHOAA" as everyone looks at the us machine. hahaha so THANK YOU to one of the nicest cons EVER. literally my hero!

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

i'm with you/ i know you and i we can make it through make it through

"I'm With You"

Here am I
I’ve tried to live without You
It's the reason that I feel so far away
I understand
You see everything I go through
and listen to the broken words I pray

I know You hear me
I know You're answering me saying

Fall in my arms and let me carry you carry you
I know you and I, we can make it through make it through
When crashing waves pull you down in the undertow
Reach out your hand and I swear I won't let you go
I'm with you tonight

All this time You've been walking here beside me
Waiting for the day I'd call your name
So Here am I walking through the darkest valley
Shine down Your light so I can see

You know I'm weary
I know You're calling out to me

Fall in my arms I will carry you
I know you and I will make it through
All who need rest all who are lonely
Come to me now and just let it go
~

current song on repeat
perfect pre d-day song
I KNOW YOU AND I, WE CAN MAKE IT THROUGH MAKE IT THROUGH

#sohereamiwalkingthroughthedarkestvalley

if we've ever needed you/ it's now

"If We've Ever Needed You"

Hear our cry, Lord we pray,
Our faces down, our hands are raised,
You called us out, we turned away,
With ship wrecked faith, idols rise,
We do what is right, in our own eyes,
We need Your light, Lord, shine Your light. 
If we've ever needed You, Lord, it's now, Lord, it's now, 
We are desperate for Your hand, we're reachin' out, we're reachin' out.

All our hearts, all our strength,
With all our minds, we're at Your fate,
We need You now

"always enough"

In the dry and weary land
Lord, You are the rain
In a sea of shattered ones
Your love comes rushing in

You hold the world within Your hands
And see each tear that falls
Through every fire and every storm
You're always enough, always enough

Your love is peace to the broken
Your love is the anthem of nations
Rings out through the ages
And You're always enough for me

In the watches of the night
Lord, You are my song
Hope is in the morning light
Your love shines like the dawn

You keep my heart in perfect peace
My life is in Your hands
When confusion hides my way
You're always enough, always enough

~
spamming casting crowns songs
i don't really know what to say. 
but i guess these songs say it well enough. 
one day i will come out of this storm. i hope. HAHA. 
meanwhilst ive learnt to withstand the storms of this life. praising God in the storm, that's gotta be my specialty. 
i guess there are many many things i pray for and many things i hope for and many things i fear, and it seems like no matter how many years pass in the end it's still the same me (hopefully the original me had some good points since it seems like no matter how i run i cant run away from myself HAHA). 
amongst the many things i pray for (topmost being BEING A GOOD DOCTOR cos its actually reeally hard and so many things to know and do. but im lovin the process by itself.), it would be good if i could survive tomorrow's exam. not sure what it means by survive but i guess passing would be really good. 
whether i deserve it or not, not very sure bout that. these days i dont really know what is the definition of deserving. of miracles. 

"one more day/ he will make a way/ let Him show you how
i'm not strong enough
can He find me here?
can He keep me from going under?
oh my soul,
you are not alone
there's a place where fear has to face the God you know"

swallow all the fears and worries, and do what i can with the next twentyfour hours
i'll do what i can, and God will do the rest
and all things will work for His good

even this, even this will be made beautiful

i'll put my trust in that. 

Monday, June 5, 2017

beautiful times

"Beautiful Times"
(feat. Lindsey Stirling)

A spark soaring down through the pouring rain
And restoring life to the lighthouse
A slow motion wave on the ocean
Stirs my emotion up like a rain cloud

When did the sky turn black?
And when will the light come back?

I fought all through the night
Oh, oh, but I made it alive
The sun's starting to rise
Oh, oh, these are beautiful times
This fight of my life is so hard, so hard, so hard
But I'm gonna survive
Oh, oh, these are beautiful times
~
sounds like a good night shift song HAHA.
#i fought all through the night, oh oh but i made it alive


first spotify song of the day!

"A Way To See In The Dark"

Here I am
Begging for certainty again
But simple trust
Is what you're asking me to give
If I am saved
You tell me it will not be by sight

The question mark
Hung at the end of every fear
Is answered by
The promise that you are with me here
And that's all I've got
When the lights go out and I lose my way
So I'll close my eyes
I won't be afraid, I won't be afraid

If You are my help, my hope and my vision 
One step at a time You will lead

So I reach for your hand in the night
When the shadows swallow the light
'Cause I'm giving up, giving in 
Once again a childlike faith
Is my only way
To see in the dark
To see in the dark
~

doesnt matter how deep or dark the night is, keep on shining
just keep your head up

Sunday, June 4, 2017

never/ murakami kick

“I focused on that point of light for a long, long time. It made me think of something like the final throb of a soul's dying embers.”

"Maybe the star doesn't even exist any more. Yet sometimes that light seems more real to me than anything."

"Reality seemed to have left me and was now wandering around nearby. I hope it can find me." [sincere hope]

"It was a rambling, incoherent dream without any setting. All that was there was a feeling of being in motion."

“I felt as if I were living alone in an extremely well-cared-for ruin.”

Was I happy? Yes. If I looked at things from a distance. [a VERY VERY FAR DISTANCE]

"That's what we all do: endlessly take the long way around." [#story of my life]

“Something will work out tomorrow, I thought. And if not, then tomorrow I'll do some thinking."

“If your confusion leads you in the right direction, the results can be uncommonly rewarding.” HAH 

each time i read these murakami quotes, i have such a difficult time deciding which one is the story of my life. hahah. i think the rambling incoherent dream/ star that doesnt exist might be it. sooo hard to chooose



today's song on replay nonstop! also number 1 on korean charts atm! yeah im more than slightly obsessed with this song/ produce 101 hahah.

PRODUCE 101 - NEVER
I don’t want to love you eh
In the memories that cannot be stopped yeah eh
Everytime everywhere
I can only see you in my head

I repeatedly erase you everyday
But as I look back, it’s a bright and dazzling road
By all means, I won’t leave even a trace of you eh

Not anymore, never ever
But why is my heart filling itself with you again
We’re not forever
We, that were once beautiful

Leave my side yeah
I’m very scared of you yeah (DAEHWI)
Everytime everywhere
It was a love that my life wouldn’t even be wasted for

(JONGHYUN'S PART DAEBAK)
I don’t wanna know
I don’t wanna know
The heart that turned its back on me
And those words, keep it to yourself
So I can forget all the moments I had with you and all the memories
I’m going on my way

Saturday, June 3, 2017

open up (열어줘)



best performance EVERRR

seriously awesome

Friday, June 2, 2017

so even in the dark im saying thank you/ the very next thing

its JUNE. how did half the year go by so fast?!

midyear reflections on 2017:

jan 2017: thank You for showing me that light can overcome darkness, that when all the doors are closed and we are despairing, you will open a window, and light and rainbows will come again.

//survived a night shift (and saw 18 pts! i cld prolly have seen up to 20 if i didnt have 2 difficult blds./ but this is also thanks to v nice bosses, and calling eye 3x in one night. HAHA. for the record, i did NOT cherrypick my cases and saw them strictly in order)

feb 2017

//had a really busy fever shift ytd and the nurses commented as i was psyching myself up mid shift "you're really good at this selfmotivating thing yeah"
(me " YAY! 7 patients! there were 9 just now! we're doing a good job!")

march 2017:

John 1:5 “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”

// 2 weeks ago when the lights went out and the only thing i could see was candles in the darkness at the end of the long aisle. that's when i knew - that no matter what happens, and no matter what we do, that God is always there. that each setback is just God protecting us from something. sometimes yeah we screw up life. but He will turn it all for good in the end

april 2017:

at least there is some hope - that easter sunday will eventually come - that the sun will eventually rise again. that at some point God will come and save me from myself. maybe God will come and work some miracles, maybe he has already worked the miracles. these postings have been really great. i have learnt a lot that i really didnt know before. i dont know how i expected to join drs without borders/ do mission trips with literally only peds knowledge/ how to treat urtis and do t&s and remove fbs and m&rs and document on computers. and God answered my plug setting prayers.

may 2017:
 conf was AWESOME, a great honor, my first int'l conf, very inspiring!!! a bright spot just as i was getting really very jaded and exhausted from the daily gridnd. and not least coz of the FREE FLOW OF STARBUCKS. one of those things where u realize God is answering all your small and big prayers in unexpected ways.

thought catalog:
~
Thank you for the pain. Thank you for the days I was afraid of my future, for the heartbreak, for the tough lessons, for the exhaustion and brokenness. Because I learned I am whole in you.

Thank you for the unanswered prayers.

Because this life is not about receiving what I ask for, not about basing my relationship with you on what I get, not about wishes being granted and having things my way. For your plan is greater than mine will ever be. And every unanswered prayer was a blessing in disguise.

Thank you for being all that I needed. For listening when I poured my heart out, for guiding me when I lost my footing, for being a source of inspiration and trust, for staying when the world turned its back. 

Thank you for forgiveness. For forgiving me, for helping me learn to forgive, for the way forgiveness heals and saves and lets us begin again with new hope. Thank you for building my heart back to its full strength. Thank you for showing me how beautiful life can be when we let go. Thank you for opportunities, for new beginnings.

Thank you for hope.
~

"The Very Next Thing"

I spend all my time
Dreaming what the future's gonna bring
When all of this time
There's a world passing by
Right in front of me
Set my sights on tomorrow
While I'm tripping over today

Who says big things
Are somewhere off in the distance
I don't want to look back
Just to see all the times that I missed it
I want to be here and now
Starting right here, right now

With the very next words of love to be spoken
To the very next heart that's shattered and broken
To the very next way you're gonna use me
Show me the next thing
I'll do the next thing

Let my very next breath
Breathe out a song of praise to you
With my very next step
Be on a road that was planned by you
Lord, wherever you're leading me
That's where I want to be

Eyes wide open I see you working
All around me you're on the move (I'll do the next thing)
Step by step I'm running to meet you
In the next thing, in the next thing

~
ok. EXAM MUGGINg

Saturday, May 27, 2017

really really



winner's swag in (literally) street dancing version of really really. HAHAHA. v cute

if it was you

random collection of thoughts
1) I LOVE ICELAND. want to move there stat. nuff said.

2. produce 101 season 2 highlights

jung seung hwan's song if it was you from oh hae young (love when the things i love intersect haha)


NU'EST edited to seem like F4 HAHAHA

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

thought catalog

http://thoughtcatalog.com/marisa-donnelly/2016/12/dear-god-thank-you/ 

found this awesome piece on thought catalog:
~
Thank you for this heart.

For this little muscle beating inside my chest. Thank you for its resilience, for its strength. Thank you for helping it beat, through every workout, through every morning when I was so so tired, and didn’t want to face the world. Thank you for giving me physical strength—to overcome obstacles, to push myself, to never quit.

Thank you for the pain.

Thank you for all the nights my tears blended with the shower water, the nights I didn’t think I’d get over him or when I felt so misunderstood. Thank you for the days I was afraid of my future, terrified of where I would go to college, or if I would do well on a test, or if my words could actually mean anything. Thank you for the heartbreak, for the tough lessons, for the exhaustion and brokenness. Because I learned I am whole in you.

Thank you for the lonely nights.

The nights I stayed up late, watching headlights dance across my bedroom window or the stars flickering somewhere off in the distance. Thank you for showing me how to heal and how to be on my own. Thank you for building my strength, day by day. Thank you for reminding me that emptiness is temporary, and that I can always be filled in with your love.

Thank you for the ones that left.

At the time their leaving felt like a betrayal, and I thought you had turned your back on me. But you were showing me who was temporary, and who was there to stay. You were showing me that I cannot put my faith in sinful people, cannot depend on them for the source of my happiness, but can instead must lean on you. And you won’t leave. Thank you for never leaving, and promising to stay by my side forever.

Thank you for the unanswered prayers.

Because this life is not about receiving what I ask for, not about basing my relationship with you on what I get, not about wishes being granted and having things my way. For your plan is greater than mine will ever be. And every unanswered prayer was a blessing in disguise.

Thank you for being all that I needed.

For listening when I poured my heart out, for guiding me when I lost my footing, for being a source of inspiration and trust, for reminding me that I am yours, forever. And that I am loved. Thank you for staying when the world turned its back. Thank you for reminding me that no matter how harsh this life gets, you will always be here. Thank you for giving your son to die for my sins.

Thank you for forgiveness.

For forgiving me, for helping me learn to forgive, for the way forgiveness heals and saves and lets us begin again with new hope. Thank you for building my heart back to its full strength. Thank you for showing me how beautiful life can be when we let go. Thank you for opportunities, for new beginnings.

Thank you for hope.

tunnels



getting into nu'est thanks to them being on my fav show produce 101!
their lead singer looks kinda like taeyang too hahah.

one of their old songs kinda brings me back to old memories haha. when i was YOUNG AND INNOCENT. now very very JADED lols. i guess i kinda dont really miss those young and heady days but nevertheless never hurts to reminisce when songs bring me back to those times.

i was totally sold by the first line "your face grew cold/ i didnt know why i was so lost in you" and i rewatched JR (jonghyun's) rap SO MANY TIMES (in the middle of a very long life/ there will be a day where i forget you/ sometimes i look back at us/ cos my efforts are honest to me/ i just need to tie my untied shoelaces and run again"

~

nuest - good bye baby
Your face grew cold
I didn’t know why I was so lost in you
Only scars remain in my angry heart
Then you told me to at least keep the memories
The light that only shone on me was you
But I can’t be deceived by the trap of time and stay here

Even if I have to walk through an endless tunnel
I can overcome it
And let me say
Good bye baby Good bye baby
I can live without you

(JR's awesome rap!!!)
Living because I can’t die
I’m afraid I’ll be like that tomorrow
In the middle of a very long life
There will be a day when I forget you
Sometimes I look back at us
Because my efforts are honest to me
I just need to forget yesterday and get back up again
I just need to tie my untied shoelaces and run again

Just like the story of us written in an old diary
I can’t live while being lost anymore
Even if I have to walk through an endless tunnel
I can overcome it
And let me say
Good bye baby Good bye baby
Now I’m okay without you

Monday, May 1, 2017

reflections on 2017 travels part 1

in between the jet lag, here are some quick thoughts

1. conf was AWESOME, a great honor, my first int'l conf, very inspiring!!! i can't even begin to describe the gratitude and excitement. really very priviledged. I WILL DO BETTER. i will keep on trying! a bright spot just as i was getting really very jaded and exhausted from the daily gridnd. and not least coz of the FREE FLOW OF STARBUCKS
2. i realized a lot of things abt myself during this trip. travel does that to you. not least that i am not very mature and have a LONG WAY TO GO until i attain that level of maturity. oh well. also that after nearly THIRTY hours of travel, and lack of food (hungary airlines hahaha), i get very cranky. very very. i dont think i realized that before as i havent travelled more than thirty hrs at a time before. hahah.
3. one of those things where u realize God is answering all your small and big prayers in unexpected ways. like id wanted to go to canada when i was younger (i actually completely forgot that i even wanted this haha). and CHERRY BLOSSOMS, need i mention more? and the NEW PROJECT. ahhh i thought id enough of balancing work and research (btw it is VERY HARD cos all i wanna do when i get home from work is SLEEP), BUT how to turn down this when it's literally one of my life dreamssss.

anyway. there is plenty more to be done!
i love a busy life when there is tons of things to plan and do
yeah we always need checks and balances in life, that is TRUE. but also every now and then God gives us something awesome.
i definitely, in no way, deserved this lovely opportunity or the meeting of lovely people along the way

oh on a random note - here's the movies i watched along the way haha
there: fantastic beasts and where to find them, sherlock holmes. LOADS of great british bake off
back: trolls (feel good movie +++ haha), rogue one (AWESOME)

ok off to do my one million thingS
plus study for exaM

Monday, April 10, 2017

rainbow veins/ dreams dont turn to dust

"Rainbow Veins"

Everywhere is balanced there like a rainbow above you
Street lights glisten on the boulevard
And cold nights make staying alert so hard
For heaven's sake, keep me awake so I won't be caught off guard
Clearly I am a passerby but I'll find a place to stay
Brought down by gravity, crystal clear
Make haste, I feel your heartbeat
Find a road to a humble abode where both of our routes meet
The silver sound is all around and the colors fall like snow
The feeling of letting go, I guess we'll never know

Cheer up and dry your damp eyes and tell me when it rains
And I'll blend up that rainbow above you and shoot it through your veins
'Cause your heart has a lack of colour and we should've known
That we'd grow up sooner or later 'Cause we wasted all our free time alone

~
I feel you glowing in the dark
I'm just a stranger in the stars

I chase the phantoms down the hall
I felt the floorboards rise and fall
I lost and never loved at all

~

"Dreams Don't Turn To Dust"

I made for the countryside
And my eyes never grew so wide
Apple raspberry river blue
I rub my eyes 'cause it's hard to see
Surrounded by all this beauty

This picnic will soon depart
Real life, I'm sad to see you go
I'll miss you with all my heart
But I'd rather be alone
'Cause I couldn't live without
Sunsets that dazzle in the dusk
So I'll drag the anchor up
And rest assured, 'cause dreams don't turn to dust

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Thursday, April 6, 2017

offstandby

haha offstandby is a very odd feeling. it feels like you shouldnt plan anything cos u can get called back anytime? anyway enjoying my day off (thus far).

- waking up late
- sending emailzzz
- exam studyingg
- plans for dinner later (??)

~

today's our daily bread was pretty nice:

The psalmist says, “You remain the same, and your years will never end” (Ps. 102:27). The implication of this truth is immense. It means that God is forever loving, just, and wise. 

In the New Testament, James writes, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows” (James 1:17). In our changing circumstances, we can be assured that our good God will always be consistent to His character. He is the source of everything good, and everything He does is good.

It may seem that nothing lasts forever, but our God will remain consistently good to those who are His own.

Lord, You are the One who never changes, and You are so good to us. Calm our hearts today with the grace and peace that come only from You.
The One who holds the universe together will not let go of you.

INSIGHT:  In lament songs, psalmists pour out their fears, hurts, and confusion to God, often wondering when He will meet them in their distress. Psalm 102 does that in verse 2, “Do not hide your face from me when I am in distress. Turn your ear to me.” Clearly, the psalmist’s distress is multiplied by waiting for the Lord’s help. Still, the singer has confident hope in God’s response to his pain (vv. 17-21). 

belated look back at 2016

HAHA this is really very belated.
but anyway 2016 was a good year. it could have had a more fairytale conclusion hhahhaha guess thats what i was waiting for before i posted this post, but anyway i think God knows what he's doing. as my mum concurred when she was like "oh yeah hor if you got into residency right out of med sch you'd be reg soon, can't really imagine you as reg". ME NEITHER. haha. i will strive for increased maturity this year, yes i will. anyway here goes:  also PLEASE GOD i would really like to do 6 more months of emed at my current hospital next mopex posting!!!! and hopefully i'll be even better as time passess...

jan 2016:

Oh telescope,
Keep an eye on my only hope,
Lest I blink and get swept off the narrow road,
Dear God, I was terribly lost
When the galaxies crossed
And the sun went dark.
But dear God, You're the only North Star
I would follow this far.

feb: on fireworks: I remember that moment, i remember the pain

march: it's been a really enjoyable month of seven resus shifts

april:

Lord, teach me that sometimes you have to wait
until I have come to the end of myself
before you can bless me,
until I have finished trying my own plans
before you can show me yours.
Help me to recognise your perfect timing,
and to know that you will never let me down.

may: maybe one day when i finally come to the end of myself, God will finally, finally come through. i wish i could be the girl who hopes in the middle of impossibility but its just that i also dont know what to hope for anymore.

june: !! God has a plan after all!/ Now read the story of a man who heard God's call wherever he was, whatever he was doing, whenever it came, and did at once whatever he was asked to do

july: the examiner right after i finished my acls "mo or reg?"

aug: opening the book & on the first page it says in the dedications "To God be all glory"!!! instantly i knew i've made the right choice.

maybe, just maybe, this crazy idea might work out. haha.

sept: could this, even this, be made beautiful?

oct:
i came to you with my heart in pieces/ and found the God with healing in His hands

but on the days that we feel peace in our hearts, we feel like we're in the zone, when work seems like play, when the plugs go in easily, it somehow makes it all okay. that it's okay not to have any great overarching ambition. that it's okay to no longer lead a life full of insecurities and envy for others. that just this day, full of happiness at helping someone, is enough.

nov: i survived this posting!!! thank You God. :) most fun and enjoyable posting EVER. may i have many many more months of a&e experience to come, and may we continue to do Your will.

dec: 6 months more of emergency medicine at my first choice hospital!!! God is really really good, that is all i can say.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

rooftop moonlight

march was... a crazy month. i literally have NO IDEA how i survived. actually, i'm not sure one could have called that surviving. i definitely did not come out of that smelling of roses. hahaha.

nevertheless, there were some bright spots such as
- providing medical cover for a church event
- light in the middle of darkness (literally, sadly not metaphorically. BUT ONE CAN HOPE. actually, hope is all one has left hahahaah)
- the kindnesses of some bosses. especially dr f. BEST BOSS EVER SERIOUSLY
- PLANNING FOR ICELAND :):)
- the pre-easter confession. you know sometimes you cling on to something SO MUCH and it means EVERYTHING to you. the way the priest chuckled and said "oh dont worry about all that, these are small things" somehow made the world of difference. we spend so much of our lives trying to keep up with all the millions of things that seem to matter... but actually they dont! and there are so many other small things that mean so much in the grander scheme of things that we actually overlooked cos we were chasing after other things.

lent is ending soon. this has been one of the more difficult lents in memory. AND I'VE HAD SOME REALLY BAD LENTS BEFORE. trust me. hahah. at least there is some hope - that easter sunday will eventually come - that the sun will eventually rise again. that at some point God will come and save me from myself (dont even talk about a prince coming on a white horse, or me saving me from myself. HAHA.) i'm literally not under any illusions at all. maybe God will come and work some miracles, maybe he has already worked the miracles. my time of ambitions has come and passed. i just want to see my patients safely and send them home or to the wards happy (one of my pt's relatives last night was so cute HAHA. i passed by him waiting outside the xray room and decided to update him since i was passing by. and he was like WAH dr how u know i'm waiting here. HAHA). and try to approximate meeting the quota (altho i must say i do prioritize safety over quota meeting. but i do try to stay back within reasonable limits to try to hit the quota).

life plans aside - which i have pretty much given up on (yes this entire post literally reeks of giving up, i guess you could say i have, or you can call it MATURE ACCEPTANCE of life lol), i think that these postings have been really great. i have learnt a lot that i really didnt know before. i dont know how i expected to join drs without borders/ do mission trips with literally only peds knowledge/ how to treat urtis and do t&s and remove fbs and m&rs and document on computers. and God answered my plug setting prayers. i really thought he would never give me that life skill. guess desperation in resus wielding green plug in 1 hand and a pale hypotensive patient really does make all the difference. or maybe it's divine intervention and grace, i prefer to think of it that way.

here's hoping that everyone has some easter eggs and easter chocolate this easter season. that the crosses we bear may be just that little bit lighter, that God may, with or without our knowledge, make the paths either slightly easier, or at least make his presence a little more felt in a world where it isnt exactly the most obvious. 1.5 weeks to easter sunday, we can do this!!

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

these things take time

reflections on this very, very, very long journey:

since that post night morning in the taxi when i first learnt of my unexpected mopex posting and the first thing that popped into my mind was "God has a plan for me!" until today, when i learnt of a very much expected result that i sorta kinda expected since the beginning of this month hahaha, the funny thing is these few mths are bookended by the same thought.

not "DOES GOD HAVE A PLAN AND IF SO, WHAT IS IT?", but the affirmative - that He DOES have a plan for us, and that it is good. that is honestly what i thought.

i can't really quite belive myself but scrolling down the list as i have had for SOOOO many years now (by now i dont even expect to see my name on that list... haha) - i didnt feel the dissappointment as i had so many years ago (and its NOT becos i dont love emed as much, its quite the opposite, i really do love emed a LOT). i found to my surprise that i felt a lot of peace in my heart - as if God was telling me that its okay cos He has a plan for me and this is just part of the (very) long journey.

i'll be the first to admit that i have much to improve on and am far from perfect, and didnt really deserve it this time anyway. and that expectations always get the better of me. and that it was a rather last min decision to try this time anyway.

many easters ago, i remember feeling a huge disconnect in my heart as we sang hymns on easter sunday but i felt much less than joyful. i dont think i could have expected on that day that God would have worked so many miracles to bring me into medicine and then bring me back home too. if only i had known, i wouldnt have felt so sullen and unjoyful when singing on that easter sunday.

compared to 2 weeks ago when the lights went out and the only thing i could see was candles in the darkness at the end of the long aisle. that's when i knew - that no matter what happens, and no matter what we do, that God is always there. that each setback is just God protecting us from something. sometimes yeah we screw up life. but He will turn it all for good in the end

whenever that may be - i know i have loads to do in the meantime
off to do those~

~

"These Things Take Time" - sanctus real

I want to know why pain makes me stronger
I want to know why good men die
Why am I so afraid of the dark, but I stray from the light?
I want to know why You gave me eyes when faith is how I see
And tell me, is it easier to doubt or harder to believe?
Oh, there's so many questions stirring in me

And I'm wondering why
Sometimes the truth ain't easy to find
I want to know all the answers
But I'm learning that these things take time
Yeah, these things take time

How can success make us feel like failures?
And the harder we fall, the harder we try
The more I have the more I need just to feel like I'm getting by
Oh, there's so many questions in one short life

And we spend so much time chasing our tails
Hoping to find every last answer to everything in life
So many questions, not enough time

Hey, we all want to understand why evil lives, and good men die
On the way to Heaven, the truth unwinds
These things take time
These things take time
Yeah, these things take time



If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of
Then "cool" is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune, I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall

Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth I need to confess

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside
Broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to you
It leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
'Til everything I hide behind is gone
And when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on

~

and all i go through/ it leads me to you 

Saturday, March 25, 2017

ride it out

"Ride It Out"

Sometimes you feel like you're losing yourself in this life
You're a ship with your sails set high and there's wind in the air tonight
You pray someone saves you
Before the storm takes you
When you feel afraid

Don't you turn around in the sea of doubt
You don't want to drown if the ship goes down
So clear your eyes
Keep your sails high
And ride it out

The waves they will shake you
They may strike fear in your heart
Oh, this trial will shape you
Help you find life in the dark
When you stand on the edge of an ocean
Don't let it swallow your faith

And ride it out through the sea of doubt
Don't let your fear steal your finest hour
Embrace the ride
Keep your sails high
And ride it out

The wind will take you where you're meant to be
The waves will break when your Creator speaks
And when it's over you will clearly see
That the storm was only there to show you what it takes to believe
~

"Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step. There's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That's the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.
An you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You'll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others. (this sounds like a terrible idea from an infection control POV. HAHA. maybe PPE/ gloves can prevent this?!) 
And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about."
- haruki murakami 

the thing is, i dont know how long this storm is supposed to last. if i can ever walk out of it alive. oh definitely, if i ever come out of it, i wont be the same person that walked in, im positive of that. 
for whatever it's worth, i can praise Him in this storm. i think. haha. 

"And when it's over you will clearly see
That the storm was only there to show you what it takes to believe"

and if ever you should feel like giving up

"Bend Not Break" - sanctus real

Time will tell if we really have what it takes
This life can crush us underneath its weight
When the river rushes over your feet
When the bulls are running through your streets

Oh, on the front line you're gonna feel the bullets, gonna feel the heat
And when the battles that you fight call you to turn the other cheek
When the fire at your back burns bright
And when the mountains up ahead are so high

You don't have to run from the fears behind you
Turn around and I'll stand beside you
Take my hand and remember
We may bend but will not break
Steel your heart and lift your head
'Cause we have love and faithfulness

And if ever you should feel like giving up
Remember that God is with us
And if ever you should fear you may lose
Remember that you don't have to run

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

walk by faith

"Walk By Faith" - jeremy camp

Would I believe you when you would say 
Your hand will guide my every way 
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day

[chorus]
Well I will walk by faith 
Even when I cannot see 
Well because this broken road 
Prepares Your will for me 

Help me to win my endless fears 
You've been so faithful for all my years 
With one breath You make me new 
Your grace covers all I do 

Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face 
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace 

[chorus x2]

Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)
Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)

I will walk, I will walk, I will walk by faith
I will, I will, I will walk by faith
~

this really speaks to me -
this broken road/ prepares Your will for me/ help me to win my endless fears/ i'm broken/ but i still see your face/ i will walk by faith

~

dear God, this road is really difficult and long, i dont deny that. even when i fall, i'm gonna pick myself up and continue running. i think. eventually.

just please help me to learn how to be a good doctor. that's all i want and need. everything else isnt essential. passing exams, traineeships, all those pale in comparison. yeah it would be great. but i just want to be a good doctor. its been three years of working and im still working on perfecting this and i still have much more to learn. please let me never succumb to the stressors and please let me do the best for each patient.

love, me.

ps: thank you for showing me every now and then, that there can be light in the middle of darkness. even if the darkness threatens to overwhelm completely and wash out every shred of hope and gleam of light, Your light still shines through it all, indomitably

~
the mountains might be insurmountable and it might seem that everything is literally for naught sometimes

but i this i know - that you can turn all for good. dont get me wrong, for years i hoped for miracles against logic. i dont anymore. it's not that i don't believe in Your goodness, i just can't find it in myself to hope against hope anymore. i guess i've come to accept that this is who i am and that the fact that i can do what i do everyday is great as it is. wanting more would be expecting too much from this life. i guess i've come to terms with this. what i want to do in the future - actually i can still do it anyway. You have given me that much. years ago when i prayed to you to get into medicine, i still remember, i just wanted to be a doctor, i didnt really mind too much which kind. and You have given me nearly 3 yrs of that so far. i can never thank you enough for that. i know there were times when i literally thought i might not even make it thru med sch. not because of the academic pressures actually, because of everything else going on around me at the time. thank You for bringing me through that, stronger than before and miraculously happier than before. i could never have anticipated that.

so i will press on, although sometimes it seems really difficult, there are really cool and fun times too. most of the time the cool and fun times outshadow the difficulties.

i guess this is me, giving up the small part of me that was even slightly ambitious. because after years of chasing after these things - it feels like its no longer important to me.

i guess this is me - finally accepting that Your way is better, no matter what it may be. even if its scary cos i dont KNOW what Your way is. it's still better even if i dont know what it is. hahah. the future is no longer scary because i know that You are there in it. and knowing that no matter what the future is, i still need to know these things and these skills. and if it is your will, may i be able to continue learning about these things in this place so that one day i may be a better doctor and person than i currently am.

Monday, March 20, 2017

light

had the most amazing experience today, no kidding

managed to finish my resus shift in time to go down for church (firstly for me to be able to leave so early is a miracle, let alone that it was quite an ok shift and the boss was great and we worked well tgt!),  reached and the church was literally in a blackout and they just continued on by candlelight

somehow got co-opted into doing the offering in the middle of all this

dont really know how to describe that experience of, literally, seeing a candlelight at the end of the darkness

maybe, just maybe, even though things arent easy, and aren't perfect, maybe there is a tiny shred of hope. very tiny. very shredded. whether that hope can ever grow wings and fly again, i dont know about that. but at least it exists, and at least it can sing birdsong.

anyway, just thanking God for a good resus shift, getting all my green plugs, etc
it was nice that we literally resus-ed this patient who looked really sick but due to fast intervention, looked better much faster. that was really nice.

also to the nice patients who have thanked me in the past few days - you will never know how much that made my day. really.


Thursday, March 16, 2017

oh my soul

http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/lay-aside-the-weight-of-discouragement
one of those amazing articles from desiring god.org
"I will never forget the moment when I knew God had answered “no” to something I really wanted.

He seemed to whisper this answer into my heart to help me realize I had spent too much time holding onto something I was not meant to have. After months of presenting my request, he gently told me to let it go.

At first, I didn’t realize his plans were better than my own. Moments of heartache and (seemingly) empty hands, left me wondering why he would take away this opportunity I desired so much. I wrongfully believed that if he wouldn’t give me what I wanted, he must not have understood how important it was to me. It seemed like he was needlessly withholding, not giving abundantly like I thought he should.

When we are forced to let go of something we really long for — whether it’s taken away, or it seems it will never be given — The weight of disappointment is crushing. It can be overwhelming and take time to process.

“God knows better than we do, and his ‘no’ is always merciful, even when it hurts.” 
It’s not wrong to experience disappointment when life does not unfold the way we hope. If we do not give ourselves permission to grieve, we inadvertently believe that God is more concerned with us immediately feeling better, rather than working through the hurt to bring real transformation to our heart. We lose sight of the invitation he has given us to place our struggles at his feet.

He is not afraid of the pain we feel. His sovereignty is not dependent on our emotions. He will not try to invalidate our hurt with quick and temporary fixes. We are free to express a sense of lack and sorrow in the moment. He lets us feel the void so that he might satisfy us with himself. He wants to draw near.

Finding His Love in Our Lament

The panic I felt over being led in a different direction gave a clear picture of the state of my heart. I was more concerned with not getting what I wanted than seeing where God wanted me.

Disappointment often reveals what captures our affections. Even though the disappointment is not always wrong, it does give us a gauge that shows us where we have invested our hope. Lamenting through our discontentment forces us to carry those desires back to God — even if just to question why he hasn’t given these things to us. It sheds light on the idols we have created in our lives. 

The purpose of lament is not merely to vent our distress (which leaves us in despair), but to bring our attention back to God’s promises and the hope we have in Christ. He promises that he hears us when we call (Matthew 7:7). He promises to be near to us (Psalm 34:18). He promises to be faithful (Deuteronomy 31:6). He promises that this hurt will end (Revelation 21:4). He promises that when we seek him, he will transform our hearts to desire more of him (Psalm 37:4). He will not leave us in the misery of our disappointment, because he has not finished the work he started in us (Philippians 1:6). He will assure us of his love as we invite him into the struggle we feel.

C.S. Lewis once wrote, “We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”

Redirection forces something out of our hands we had hoped to keep. Through that, we begin to realize God’s plan for our life does not equate to the easy or comfortable road; but he is working all things together, even this disappointed, for our good (Romans 8:28).

God always has our ultimate good in mind, which means he will pry the idols from our hands. He does this not because he is cruel or depriving us. He knows better than we do, and his “no” is always merciful, even when it hurts. He is for us, fighting against what will keep us from him (Romans 8:31). He knows our hearts can only be truly satisfied with himself (John 4:14). He will not tolerate being second in our lives, because he wants us to have something so much better than what the world can offer.

When God takes something away, he creates space in our lives to fill us with more of him and his blessings. That is the greatest gift of all. It may not feel like it in the moments where we are forced to reconcile disappointment, but he wants to help us understand it is true. He wants us to experience for ourselves — to taste and see, and know that he is good (Psalm 34:8).

Disappointment may be part of living in this world, as we struggle to let go of our earthly desires and open our hearts to receive the good things God wants to give us. But if we are in Christ, our struggle with disappointment is only temporary. The promises of God, and the joy we experience as we realize them, are eternal."

Discouragement often feels circumstantially determined, something we can’t help feeling because powerful forces beyond our control are causing it. That’s why our response to discouragement is often passive — we sit, weighed down with a heavy spiritual listlessness looking at the world through the grey, bleak lenses of fear.

Yes, discouragement is a species of fear. It is a loss of courage. We don’t always recognize discouragement as fear because it can feel like hopelessness with a side of cynicism. We might even call it depression because we have an accumulation of fears that are intermingled and seem somewhat undefined. And, of course, if we’re discouraged, we feel depressed. We feel like giving up.

And when we feel like giving up, we are vulnerable to a whole range of temptations. When we give in to those temptations, our sin just confirms our discouragement, and we easily slip into a cycle in which fear drives us into hiding, hiding opens us to sins of selfishness and self-indulgence, and caving in increases our sense of helplessness and self-pity. So we sit, weighed down by fear and condemnation, feeling stuck.

But God doesn’t want us feeling stuck. Jesus didn’t endure crucifixion so we would live defeated. He has purchased our forgiveness of sins, our freedom from the weight of fear, and our power to overcome the world, our flesh, and the devil. Discouragement is not as powerful as it feels. We can defeat it if we confront it.

Another famous example was the discouragement Saul and his army felt over Goliath’s challenges and taunts (1 Samuel 17). Fear immobilized all the warriors until a teenage shepherd named David arrived with faith in a huge God. He stood up to the giant, and dropped Goliath face down with one stone (1 Samuel 17:49). Then suddenly full of courage, Israel decimated the Philistines.

While we are not facing fortified Canaanite cities, or giants with javelins, or councils with crosses, we face a number of things in life that tempt us to lose courage.

One morning recently, discouragement settled over me like a thick, grey fog. I didn’t even recognize what it was at first. I just felt fear creeping over me that all my hope in God would end up disappointed. My courage started draining out of me, and suddenly I didn’t have energy to read my Bible or pray or do anything spiritually meaningful.

Then I caught myself and said, “Why am I fearing that God won’t be faithful?” Then I recalled numerous times when God had been wonderfully faithful to me, as well as numerous times I had felt needlessly discouraged — just like this time.

I began to talk back to my fears and to the devil: “No! I’m not falling for this again!” I prayed for God’s help. Then I took up my Bible and in my scheduled readings read this wonderful text:

Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. (Hebrews 12:12–14)
Faith-fueled courage poured in and revived me. The grey, depressing outlook changed into a color-filled world of hope in God. And my spirit, which just minutes before had cowered in discouragement, was full of the bold energy of the Holy Spirit.

Satan loves to tempt us with discouragement because he knows we are easily intimidated by what is or looks dangerous and overwhelming. He casts God as the bad guy for bringing us to this hopeless place, and then encourages us to feel justified in feeling discouraged. The way out of this demonic deception is to confront the discouragement head on. How do we do this?

First, we ask, “Why are you cast down, O my soul?” (Psalm 42:5). Press for an answer.
Second, we preach to our souls to “hope in God” (Psalm 42:5). Don’t listen to discouraging self-talk; preach courage-building promises.
Third, we lift our drooping hands and strengthen our weak knees (Hebrews 12:12). Pick up our Bibles and get on our praying knees and pursue the strength that God supplies (1 Peter 4:11).
Fourth, we make straight paths for our feet (Hebrews 12:13). Get out of the mental or physical place that is making us stumble in discouragement.
Fifth, we strive for holiness (Hebrews 12:14). We are made holy through faith in the justifying work of Christ, and we walk in holiness through the obedience of faith (Romans 1:5). Walking by faith in Christ is not easy. It is a striving (Hebrews 4:11); it is a fight (1 Timothy 6:12). It’s meant to be hard. God has all sorts of sanctifying good for us in all the fighting he requires of us.

When we’re discouraged, remember the Canaanites, remember Goliath, remember the council, and remember your own stories — when God showed up to deliver you from discouragement. What discourages us is not as powerful as it feels in the moment. We overcome our fear by confronting our discouragement and exercising faith in God’s promises. Those are precious moments in which we will see the power of God.

~

4.5 mths into ed in the busy hospital, i think im getting the hang of it. increased expectations were stressful, but on the bright side i think people realized i wasnt up to the increased expectations, so now it's back to normal baseline. i think. HAHA.

8 mths ago after leaving paeds and realizing that i had spent three years being more concerned with what i wanted than what God wanted for me, i somehow came to em. it was not really about giving up something i had wanted per se, more like God showing me a whole different field that was endlessly exciting and better than anything i could ever have planned for myself.

of course, everything has its ups and downs, as is thoroughly dissected and chronicled in this blog as well as my whatsapps with d and a. i find it really interesting that as a child, i didnt feel very close to the people of the same age in sunday sch with me, but now that i've finally grown up and two of my closest confidantes just happen to be from the same church too haha but they are more than just church friends, our friendships literally permeate every part of life (with a huge helping of medicine as well. hahah.) it kind of just happened and was literally not planned, but it somehow does feel like God was watching out for us all along and gave us good friends to walk this journey of life with cos He knew the paths wouldnt be easy.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that after years of clinging on to something, not only did i finally let go, i also let go to the concept of clinging on to things. of making something my idol. it really isnt abt what residency you get, it's about what you do with what you DO get. i dont deny that i would be beyond thrilled if i ever got emresidency, of course i would be cos i love it and it would help SO much with msf later in my life. (a subject we have all discussed over and over again hehe). i am not say perfectly 100% the best mo ever HAHA. but i am willing to work on my flaws and take all feedback and improve myself! and everyday i learn something new. maybe one day i might finally be a good doctor, the eternal fight. ok well the eternal fight is to be a good person, but since i am already a doctor, to be a good person i must be good at my job too esp since it literally deals with life and death. sometimes, there are stresses and discouragments. this lent seems to have a lot of those. but guess what, my help comes from God. so anything that doesnt come from Him, i know that he will give us the strength and courage to fight through those, and win :)

"Oh My Soul"

Oh, my soul
Oh, how you worry
Oh, how you're weary, from fearing you lost control
This was the one thing, you didn't see coming
And no one would blame you, though
If you cried in private
If you tried to hide it away, so no one knows
No one will see, if you stop believing
Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There's a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down

'Cause you're not alone

I won't try to promise that someday it all works out
'Cause this is the valley
And there will be dancing
There will be beauty where beauty was ash and stone
This much I know

I'm not strong enough, I can't take anymore
(You can lay it down, you can lay it down)
And my shipwrecked faith will never get me to shore
Can He find me here
Can He keep me from going under
Oh, my soul
You're not alone
~

i believe that one day, my shipwrecked faith will make it to shore
when and how, that's what i dont know. 
somehow, somewhere, someday