About Me

Sunday, November 19, 2017

prayer in a box

DEAR JESUS,

I trust in you, and have full faith in you... 

Amen




"They who trust in him will understand the truth" - Wisdom 2:23 - 3:9   

the answer



~

i am TOTALLY awed by the goodness of God. i woke up today half asleep after another busy shift ytd. and not to mention the exciting but stressful resus shift the day before that. anyway to sum up there are MANY THINGS stressing me out right now but anyway i somehow dragged myself out of bed to church and i wasnt really sure if God could hear me becos i have ALOT ALOT of prayers all the time and i think in my past God has alr answered many of my prayers and granted alot of miracles and i dunno whether one can run out of miracles? so i wasnt expecting too much but then i just prayed anyway hoping

so ANYWAY i literally just reached home and opened my email and i got an email out of the blue from my supervisor saying he will write a recletter for me and i didnt even ask him to! literally the temporal relationship was just.... JAW DROPPING. it's like God using my boss (who is btw a very devout christian) to tell me that IT IS GOING TO BE OKAY. like those pple in the flood and God keeps sending pple in the helicopters and boats to save them

THAT'S WHAT IT FELT LIKE.

so i dont know what is gonna happen and whether i can survive
a) tonight's night shift (probably but i will come out looking VERY SHAG and leave VERY LATE as usual, which is terrible since i havent packed my luggage..)
b) my presentation (for which i learnt r in ONE NIGHT)
c) my flight (pls God please help us be safe......)
d) the one million residency related apps thingy and also my posting appraisal
e) my next posting which i dont even know what it is, or even let's not talk abt residency apps, i long ago left it to God because it is toooo stressful to keep stressing abt it. lets put it this way. it has been like 3 yrs since i graduated. if God wants me to get it, i'm sure that he will work out a way. clearly his plans must be greater than mine. i know he has A PLAN, i knew that without a doubt the way i saw the mopex posting sghed. i just dont know the precise plan. well i hope he has a plan because I HAVE NO MORE PLANS c,d,e etc. except to fly off to join msf tmr. which is not a gd plan becos i want to have some more training becos i dont think i am very helpful right now to them. i can be more helpful with better training! i know it... 

ok to cut a long story short, i just know God is going to save me and i think He just sent His first boat to save me from not one year of the flood but YEARS OF FLOATING AROUND IN THIS FLOOD. and no i cant walk on water but thank God literally that He taught me how to swim
~

jeremy camp - the answer
So many questions, the world is reaching
So many hurting, so many lost
With all this thriving, who can we lean on?
Creations crying, out from the dark

I know the answer, to every question
The one solution, to every fear
I know my helper, where it comes from
Jesus, He is the answer

He sees our sadness, He feels our sorrow
And in our weakness, He is strong
He holds the weight of, all of our failings

Let every heart awaken
To see it's You who saves us
You are my help and the rock on which I stand
You are my helper, where it comes from
Jesus, You are the answer
~

jeremy camp - my defender

[Verse 1]
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow
And I stand face to face with the enemy
I will know that I am not forsaken
You surround me when the fire's at my feet

[Verse 2]
I can see You when the night is closing in
And I will trust You when it seems that there's no hope
And I hold tight to the promise You have given
'Cause this I know and I am confident

[Chorus]
You're my defender
You fight for me
I will remember
You're all I need
You are my healer
My remedy
Against the power of the unknown
And I will not stand alone
'Cause You're my defender

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

all in



found this AMAZING SONG on spotify. such good inspiration for pre-conf research prep. (thank God for this day off for me to do stuff)

~
[Verse 1]
My feet are frozen on this middle ground
The water's warm here but the fire's gone out
I played it safe for so long the passion left
Turns out safe is just another word for regret

[Pre-Chorus 1]
So, I step to the edge and I take a deep breath
We're all dying to live but we're all scared to death
And this is the part where my head tells my heart
You should turn back around but there's no turning back now

[Chorus]
I'm going all in
Headfirst into the deep end
I hear You calling
And this time the fear won't win

[Pre-Chorus 2]
So, I step to the edge and I take a deep breath
I'm not turning back around 'cause there's no turning back now

[Bridge]
All to you Jesus, I freely give
As long as there's breath in these lungs I will live
With reckless abandon, my heart in Your hands
I surrender it all, I'm going all in

[Outro]
I believe that one day I will see Your kingdom come
And I wanna hear You say, "Welcome home my child, well done"

~

this encapsulates my life philosophy perfectly, why i do the crazy things i do. YES i realize even after all these years i am so so far from perfect. and half the time i am like WHY AM I DOING THESE CRAZY THINGS. and the other half the time im like, i wouldnt pick myself for anything anyway. and most of the time i'm just in a GOD SAVE ME FROM MYSELFFFF FUNK coz i know that sometimes my greatest enemy is my procrastinationZ. haha. but i guess it all worked out somehow. I REALLY HOPE THIS WORKS OUT. COS THERE IS NO MORE PLAN C. there is just a hope in something greater than me out there.

oh man back to research MUST FINISH. come on i can do thisssss
no more off days after today so must miraculously finish this tonight......
~

more good stuff
you are known from the same album

[Intro]
If you wonder if the prayers you pray
Are bouncing off the ceiling, you're feeling alone
I want you to know-ow-ow-oow, know-ow
You are known

[Verse 1]
Dear anonymous, the one that nobody sees
So insignificant, or so they made you believe
You will never be more than not quite good enough
Dear invisible, you're not invisible, no
This ain't the end, it's just the start of unbelievable
And you wouldn't even believe if you saw what I see in you

[Verse 2]
I know your greatest fear, I know your biggest mistake
Every square inch of your heart, I know what makes it break
And I am the One who bends down and picks up every single piece
Every single breath you breathe, every single hair on your head
Even the chapters of your life that haven't happened yet
And I know the plans that I have are bigger than your wildest dreams


Wednesday, November 8, 2017

aiming for hope

lovely song by david archulecta :)




Verse 1]
Watching the sky
Changing colors colliding tonight
Till I’m under a blanket of stars
Can’t help wondering where you are
Where you are

[Pre-Chorus]
The darker it gets
The more I can see it

[Chorus]
When you’re alone
And don’t know when the night will end
Just remember it’s never too long
So be strong
‘Cause there’s always a ray of hope

[Verse 2]
If there’s a way
A way to clear all these clouds
I’d show you how
There are always signs
Right above you
Made of lights, burning bright

~

101 things to dooooo as always. they are always the same but neverendinggg. research, study, work. in the end all i ever do is work and sleep HAHA.
anyway had a nice relaxing break! when life rolls on and on we never have any time to think of much but when you're on vacation you have time to think through stufff

except this vacation was a little bit abt extreme sports LOL so i spent quite abit of time hoping that i would survive all the extreme sports i signed up for - happy to report that i indeed survived all that my over-enthusiastic and ambitious planning landed me up in~

i also managed to fit in about 6 frcem intermediate qns from the book "get through mcem b", and learn loads of french through podcasts when in transit so that was great :)

there were many happy moments (in between trying not to fall off mountains) and beautiful sceneries but i think my ABSOLUTE FAV was when i was trekking behind H the guide thinking to myself how nice the footsteps in the snow was and wondering if God was trying to give me a little pick-me-up with the footprints-in-the-snow thing (seeing as how i have managed to survive like the past 7 years just remembering how God brought me through edinburgh with the one pair of footprins in the snow...) and H turned around and says "i'm really happy right now cos it's the first snow!"

trekking in the first snow of the season was really really awesome. also cos i knew (having been to that exact spot before haha) that even though the path looked scary and dangerous - that it actually wasn't! and that i had made it through that path before and could do it again. so i wasn't that freaked of the heights. haha.

okay off to enjoy my 2 days more of leave before i go back to work ~

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

someday

more prenight shift musings

sometimes in the middle of all the rushing i feel like im hanging on by a rather small thread. not that i can't handle stress just that sometimes i think like HOW am i gonna finish all this mountain of stuff in time

i happily made it to church last sunday and just incidentally went for confession, didnt think too much abt it.

theN i came back and somehow managed to complete and prettify my presentation which i had been languishing on, trying to polish FOREVER to NO AVAIL. and sent it off to my boss for vetting. i was sooo amazed. plus i had such a nice resus shift ytd. it's things like this. its not that its an obligation to go to church per se (well it is, but yknow what i mean). its just that when you take one hour off your life to spend time with God, somehow somehow everything works out so nicely and smoothly that it's really amazing.

yeah ok i still have alot to work on. like when situations or people irritate me. i need to pre-psycho myself with loads of inducements (like retail therapy) so that im happy then i dont get irritated without thinking bout it! i can handle it at work and respond nicely to requests. its in my personal life that i guess my guard isnt up cos... DUH its slacking off time then i get very easily irritated. oh well. im human, what to doooo

things to do today
- claim weekend work pay
- ppt script
- ?? book tickets

"you're the right moment at the right moment
you're the sunlight that keeps my heart going"
henry "it's you"
sounds alittle bit like photosynthesis HAHA

i'm with you

https://medium.com/@MSF_USA/from-intern-to-field-worker-part-1-my-msf-journey-9c3b598e6452

SUCH a lovely and inspiring post!! shows that there are many way to follow one's dreams
and her drawings are so pretty.

i don't think i can make it to wearing that MSF white shirt before i'm 30 sighhh. it will be awhile

i honestly dont even know if when push comes to shove, i will be able to.

ok, i also think alot of it is idealistic dreams. yknow when you are young you just wanna SAVE THE WORLD, MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE.

and then life rolls around and true - its very exciting doing resus shifts (MUCH LOVE to the awesomest boss EVER i had the honor of doing a resus shift with today. it was soooo great and under control thanks to him. he even sent a pt to HD by himself. *britishaccent "im escorting the pt to hd" then he left LOL. all of us "did the con just send the pt to HD???"  nurses "wow he's really setting a good example" (as in they meant that he was setting a gd example by being hands on and all"))

but yea i guess after a year in ed i also know that it's not all IDEALISTIC SHINY SAVE THE WORLD. reality often intervenes.

i really do not know if i can make it to MSF. BUT. the dream of doing so somehow feels very very real. it would be MUCHHHH better if i could graduate from ed residency first becos then i would be really valuable to them. haha what a neat and easy seeming plan, just taking slightly longer than expected to come to fruition huh??

but anyWAY as this person writes in her inspiring article - there are many ways to help even if it's not what one expects. i didnt have to take the mcat but TRUST ME there was plenty of difficulty in getting to today. i am truly grateful to God for even helping me to get to this position of a ed medical officer. i would really like to repay him in some way. be it some way i have not even imagined yet, or perhaps what seems so real - my childhood dream - wearing that msf white shirt one day? dear God, please please pick me!! i have paeds background and i can handle -most- adult ed stuffs (except im not say super at intubating. ) - so please please help me to get the training I desperately need so i can become a better doctor and serve your people - be it in this country or through msf many years in the future.

Amen
- me, out.

Friday, October 13, 2017

it's you


it's you by henry from the while you were sleeping ost!
"cos you're the right time at the right moment...."

i strongly doubt i'll evah find such a person but anyways the song is great haha


another nice song!! by day 6
something is really addictive abt this part of the song. something to do with the melodies? chords they used at that part?
Really I loved you
It’s because I loved you so much
Because I want to forget you but I can’t
That’s why I want to forget you" 

you really feel that the singer loved the person ALOT when he sings that part "really i loved you... it's becos i loved you so much"...
ok admittedly i haven't ever loved anyone that much before (well not TRUE LOVE kind. teenage crushes maybe HAHA). but anyways 

off to work. hope i survive another busy dayyyy

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

whenever you need me

Dear Jesus, What is it that you want me to do for you at this point in my life? 

Amen



"Jonah set out and went to Nineveh in obedience to the word of the Lord" - Jonah 3: 1-10 
~

received this email in my inbox today. one of those prayer of the day things. made me think of the day we had the osce where nearly the whole batch mislabelled the bld cs during mbbs. totally NOT the thing u wanna be doing during ur final mbbs 

my post in march 2014 abt it: http://sunflowerjuice.blogspot.sg/2014/03/fish.html

notable bits:
" First God sends him on a suicide mission, then a storm at sea, and now a fish eats him! Now if it was me, I might take that moment to complain just a little bit, but Jonah doesn’t, he says: “I will sing a song of thanks. I will do what I have promised. Lord, you are the one who saves.”
"the storm was just to stop him from making a terrible mistake, and the fish was the world’s first submarine ride back to safety. God will do something amazing with you, even if you head in the exact wrong direction (I mean, you may come out smelling like fish guts, but still)."
" this is what i found &... i quite like it. haha. THE FISH WAS ACTUALLY SWIMMING JONAH BACK TO SAFETY" 
keep on swimming~
yea we are human and we get easily irritated and frustrated with life. but what amazes me is that despite all our flaws and follibles, we always ALWAYS get saved. somehow, somewhere, someway. even though we go through storms and get eaten by fish, somehow we always get spat out onto dry land. smelling of roses instead of fishguts. even though i still feel like im in the middle of a fish at the moment HAHA. in the middle of my metaphorical bus journey that i kinda sorta didnt really plan for, i know that somewhere out there lies a happy ending. i know this with faith and truth because it has worked out every single time before. i know this becos when i close my eyes i can see the edinburgh rooftops and the snow falling and the footsteps in the snow. and i know that if He was with me then, certainly He will be with me now too. yes there is always a lot to improve but i think He knows that we are only human too. what i love about this faith is that - our God is always forgiving, you can always go back to him when you drift away, and when you finally come back, He will always welcome you back with open arms and generosity. which is something that humans find very very hard to do. and that is why this faith is so amazing. nothing else could have sustained me through all these storms. 
ok. PREPARE PRESENTATION. i am such a procrastinator omg. 

Saturday, September 30, 2017

i have this hope

some encouraging songs on a saturday morning!



As I walk this great unknown
Questions come and questions go
Was there purpose for the pain?
Did I cry these tears in vain?

I don't want to live in fear
I want to trust that You are near

But sometimes my faith feels thin
Like the night will never end
Will You catch every tear
Or will You just leave me here?

I have this hope
In the depth of my soul
In the flood or the fire
You're with me and You won't let go
~ i have this hope, tenth avenue north

If grace was a kingdom
I stopped at the gate
Thinking I don’t deserve to pass through after all the mistakes that I’ve made

I wish I could bring so much more
But if it’s true You use broken things
Then here I am Lord, I'm all Yours

The pages of history they tell me it’s true
That it’s never the perfect; it’s always the ones with the scars that You use
~ matthew west, broken things

Here I am
All my intentions
All my obsessions
I want to lay them all down
In Your hands

Oh, how You love me
Somehow that frees me
To take my hands off of my life
And the way it should go

Somehow that frees me
To open my hands up
And give You control

I've had plans
Shattered and broken
Things I have hoped in
Fall through my hands
You have plans
You're behind and before me
~ control, tenth avenue north

to do list
- meet quota today without staying back too late HAHA
- start preparing presentation
- pay conf fees
- BOOK AIRTIX AND INSURANCE
- start packing luggage
- start buying warm inner clothes. SO I DONT FREEEEZE

wishlist  [ie, things i may not and dont HAVE to actually do, but WANT to do haha]
- buyyy pretty journals (rhodia etc)
- go eat somewhere really niceee soon
- learn french on italki [first i need to cure my urti induced sore throat cos i think right now pple have difficulty understanding me in ENGLISH atm]

things i probably shld do
- practice the GOPRO, buy more gopro assorted things - eg battery, tripod, extra simcard
- STUDY FOR EXAMMMMM

ok. gonna start it all off by studying some french and korean now to chillax~ hahA








Thursday, September 28, 2017

sound of surviving

In my younger years
I found You beneath the steeple
Could hear You in the hymns

Then later on
I met You on a road, once winding
Seeking but not always finding
You still loved me later on

In the same small room
Staring at the life I've chosen
Hoping that the door's still open
To give my heart to You
In this same small room

You were in the water, when I came up clean instead
You're still in my story, when my tears fall on the dirt
You're there in the morning, wrapping grace around what hurts
You were in the questions, in the silence on the phone
You were paying cab fare, making sure I made it home
I believed in too far, I believed in my worst fear
But You were never moving closer, You were only always here
Don't have to be alone
You will always be my home

~
every year when september comes around i can't help but think of the song WAKE ME UP WHEN SEPTEMBER ENDS

well september is ending sooN. ive applied for mopex, applied for residency

it's been EVENTFUL

i wont ever forget that september seven years ago when God worked my miracle
the miracle that i already thought the miracle had already happened but it still did

haha. God always saving me from myself :)

years come and years go but God is always good, He is always at the center of it all.
we fall in and out of phases and drift away but He is constantly there, waiting for us to come back, somehow, someday

after seven years and the future still looks hazy. but GUESS WHAT WORLD. after all that and i suceeded. i suceeded in never losing my God. world, you might have thrown all sorts of obstacles in my way, i might have given up a lot of things in the intervening few years (i felt a little remeniscent of paeds mockcode the other day after our mo simulation teaching was on paeds HAHA. i remembered we had a huge trauma simulation and we were literally all running around like headless chickens. it was sooo fun tho). but guess what, i really didn't lose my God. thank you God for granting that prayer, at the very least :) i appreciate it muchly

me out.
now off to sign up for my ED CONFERENCE!!!
what did i say, God is always goood :)

Monday, September 18, 2017

steady hands just take the wheel

stop and stare - one republic
Steady hands just take the wheel
Time to make one last appeal
For the life I live

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh

Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Steady feet, don't fail me now
~

one of my fav songs EVER!! it was SO ethereal going for my first concert (sigh. first concert at the age of 27 HAHA. ok i did go for a big bang concert few yrs ago, but yknow what i mean). and it was in such insanely pretty surroundings it was literally unbelievable. also i love this particular scenery cos i used to run marathons in the exact same place at 6am when i was younger. well half marathons.

i was literally nearly in tears when the (very familiar) lyrics blasted thru the padang speakers. i think its cos this song has spoken to my soul for years now - no matter what age and season of life im in, it seems to speak to me really well HAHAHA i guess its one of those lyrics that tend to resonate with people cos of how it can apply to so many things. so many people have things in life they arent completely happy or satisfied with and would like to improve so that's why

for me, it's driving home post shift at the wee hours of the morning and hearing "steady hands just take the wheel/ time to make one last appeal", "steady feet don't fail me now" blast through my speakers. in that moment, specially as i used to drive past serene center where d and i used to study when we were in secondary school, i don't know why it felt so particularly significant. the time when i started to really make an effort in life towards this goal, and when it started to pay off. the things we try and hope for, seemed to be all melting into one. both the realization that i'm where my sixteen year old self WANTED to be, and that yet there is so much more to aim for.

and that i may be driving this car right now but there is someone up there with steadier hands than me. who is protecting me during this 2am late night drive as i am sleepy and exhausted from the long day.

anyway it was so unreservedly awesome. i dont know if next yr will have music acts as good as this cos of the emotional attachment i happen to already have had to one republic haha. but you never know!!

that said i have been rather enjoying the past few days of off interspersed with night shifts.
not to mention yesterday i happened to be in town enjoying my post night day off after church and i was feelin kinda hungry when i happened to walk past twelve cupcakes which had loads of cupcake samples all laid out. in the middle of an orchard road underpass!! ok it sounds funny when said like that but at that exact moment it was like WHOA. heart cupcakes ++

ok off to do my one million thingS


one million dance studio!!


Saturday, September 9, 2017

carry on/ if we've ever needed you

carry on - kutless 
There is strength in my weakness
That only comes from You
You know I'm weak
I know You're strong
You say when I'm broken
And can't carry on
Carry on
When all my strength is gone
You're still holding on
There is love for the lonely
That only comes from You
There is peace and forgiveness
That I have found in You
You are the Way
You are the light
You are the voice calling me through the night
(You are Holy and just
Full of mercy and love
You are patient and kind
Your grace has opened my eyes)

dream - the best hit ost
(a different, prettier translation)

i thought i could get it
the moments i dreamed of
so i stood up to it
holding a faith without reason
in the end you'll catch it

everyday i pray that i'll catch it
there must be a bright light at the end of the tunnel
i was hopelessly running and running
so i wanted to see that bright light
i think i should go a little more
i should wake up the reference book for running again
but my reality is so overwhelming
as if i were falling down
it was a dream i want to achieve by dedicating everything to it
the more i try why the harder is it
as time goes on, i just want to sit down

if there is a God, please listen to me
i can only do barefoot walking on a thorny path
i pray for my dream
sometimes stop and look up to the sky
i still have a dream to achieve
i need to hold on a little longer
i should pick up pieces of memories that looked back tens of thousands of times
its ok at the latest, what if it's a little late?

pre night shift listening to music and also trying to make myself watch frcem videos haha

having alot of obsessions lately ranging from learning korean, italki lessons (korean) - which are really great btw, i can talk in korean for 1 hr!!!! so awesomeee. and now learning french. and bullet journalling. (before that was inkscape which is kinda like adobe illustrator). and then oh yeaH learning how to use my new gopro :):)

i really think i shld start to be obsessed abt frcem intermediate videosss
cos ultimately the most impt thing is being safe right? and the more i know then also the safer i'll be? but the workload is so shag nowadays that i just wanna chillax like anything when i'm home. its like running a daily marathon. dont get me wrong i LOVE marathons. they're just tiring. and sometimes they are over-tiring and you get HEAT EXHAUSTION and RHABDO. you get the idea. 

hahaha thinking back to when i first started adult ed. i was SO INNOCENT and IDEALISTIC. even when i was still in the chillax hospital ed, even tho i did some busyed shifts, i didnt fully realize the extent of the workload and hadnt been jaded yet, cos of how chillax the environment was. now i'm like. very very shag and exhausted and jaded. i still love it though (in a far less idealistic way) and i still wanna do it. i guess i definitely understand better what it takes. something that has not changed is that i'm still up for anything! this is definitely NOT my own character trait but something that came to me over the years after all the years of ed life. or rather, it is like my own character but drawn out of me by the years of exposure from ed life, ed people and how i know we are supposed to be? like after awhile you emulate the people around you and everyone in ed - mos, bosses, nurses are all very fast-paced, fearless, willing to try new things... kind of basically what you see in tv dramas. i think it's basically what i always wanted to be but i couldnt get myself to be like that until i physically joined ed then it was very easy to just slip into that mindset after literally marinating myself in that environment for 2 years hahaha. i guess ed makes me a better person. 

i dont really know what to say abt applications but this sums it up well
you say when im broken/ and can't carry on/ carry on/ when all my strength is gone/ you're still holding on 

making plans to go back to edin for exams makes me think of the miracles. so many years ago. somehow the idea of runnin up arthur's seat again makes me think of the time i tripped over my shoelace and fell and picked myself up again. haha. i knew that was symbolic then thats prolly why that image stuck in my memory all those years. its funny cos the miracle was leaving edin? but when i close my eyes i can see the streets of edin very very clearly as if i was there right now. things like eating ice-cream after watching the world cup. things like snowball fights after birthday celebrations. 
theres eusem in glasgow next year i think? dont know if i'll ever have any papers to submit for it. i only went to glasgow for one day in my entire life but i remember that day very very clearly. hahah i remember it was my birthday and my friends surprised me with a bday celebration when we came back from glasgow that day. edin brought alot of love, happiness and also angsty stress times into my life, no doubt. but isnt it so great that when's all said and done, when i think of edin i think of God working miracles? that's really such a great happy ending. maybe i should have been more chillax and happier and less uptight then - if only i had known how well it would all turn out. in comparison nus med (which was actually the RESULT) of the miracle was much more... tamer and less dramatic. filled with everyday happiness like cg bonding, hilarity (ok LOADS of), stressful preparing for mbbs but so much tempered with the funniness of clerking with yj - things like clerking the wrong pt, clerking the right pt with wrong dx, clerking people with altered mental status, dropping her handphone into the pt's bag of belongings and having to dig thru the pt's things, presenting hx with SOB +++ after running up stairs to make it to tut. HAHA. so funny how life works huh?

so i decided to be as chillax as possible now. i know i was really uptight in the past. but sometimes life works in a funny way and you need to balance everything out. you might wanna be less uptight but others might perceive it that its less than perfection or not approve of it? haha. so its a balancing etc. i dont pretend to be perfect and may nv be. but you know what? since i stepped into adult ed, there has only been one thing running through my mind "God is going to save me. i dont know how or why or when, but He is going to bring me through this. it's going to be ok". 

Thursday, August 31, 2017

love is not over/ dream



astro - i should have held on
It was like that rainy scene
From the movie we last watched together, oh no
You said goodbye with a stony face

On my way back
Memories of us together float up like a movie
The small present you gave me
Is that everything about me has changed



dream - the best hit ost

I thought I could catch them
The moments I dreamed of
So I walked strongly

With faith without reason
I kept going without giving up
I thought if I gave it my all
It will all happen before my eyes
In the end, I’ll get it, I pray every day
I’m only looking ahead as I run

I thought I could catch them
The moments I dreamed of
So I walked strongly

At the end of this dark tunnel
There will be a bright light
I ran endlessly, locked up in hope
Yea, I wanted to see that bright light
I thought I just had to go a little more

It felt like I could reach if I held out my hand
But why does it feel like I’m running in place?
It’s not enough yet, right?

If I wanna run again, I need to hold it in and get up
But there are so many things that make it hard to handle my reality
As if they’re trying to make me fall
But I’m trying to endure cuz I don’t wanna lose

It’s a dream I wanna fulfill with all I am
But why does it keep making it harder for me?
Why don’t they know how earnest I am?
I don’t expect much, that’s the only thing

But the more time passes, the more I wanna crumble down
Why must I throw myself into the responsibilities of the world?
Why do I have to endure that pain?
The world won’t leave me alone

I try telling myself that it’s not my fault
I can only avoid it and hide
If there is a God, please hear me out
This is all that I can do
And I hate it
I can only walk on a path of thorns
But I’m closing my eyes and shouting in my heart
I pray for my dream

I’m dreaming again
The dream I wanted
I pray with my hands together
Sometimes, I stop and look at the sky
Because I still have a dream to fulfill

Inside the endless despair
I thought I was the only one suffering
But the only thing I could do
Is to hope and pray
I need to endure, if my seat breaks

I must put it back together stronger
But the more I hope, the more I suffer
I’m curling up into a ball again
I know better than anyone else but I must start again

I must pick up the pieces
Of the memories that I thought of thousands of times
This is just a phase
But time is not passing
It’s alright even if it’s late, who cares?
In the end, some day, I’ll fulfill it
So what? Don’t compare me with others

All I have to do is have fun and walk on the path I want
If it’s hard, I can take a break, because I’m gonna get up again
I’m doing a good job, just like I am now

i have a dream woo woo
i have a dream woo woo

~
this song comes from the ost of the best hit - the drama i'm currently watching. so it's doubly meaningful. howevER the lyrics hit home so well that i would have liked this song regardless of whether i had been into the drama or not. i can't decide which is better, kim min jae's awesome rap or younha's singing! both are great.

parts i liked the best
"with faith without reason/ i kept going without giving up"
"in the end, i'll get it, i pray every day"
" i ran endlessly, locked up in hope"
"if there is a God, please hear me out"

"its alright even if it's late, who care? in the end, some day, i'll fulfil it. all i have to do is have fun and walk on the path i want"

HAHA i loved the conclusion.
really story of my life
~

ANYWAY. going for shift in 2 hrs. watching frcem intermediate videoS. its pretty fun.
i guess in life, i basically just pray that God will keep me (and my patients) safe. that's the basic prayer. and its HARD ENOUGH to survive just that. everything else is the cherry on the cake.

so there are 100000 undone things all the time but we keep going. not to mention wasting time faffing around with adobe illustrator, inkscape, falling into the abyss of cool things like making 3d/ 2d games with unity HAHA. learning korean - im taking classes on italki now its super fun!! had like 3 classes so far. i can (slightly) understand my teachers even when they talk completely in korean so its really fun and satisfying. goodness only knows what my spoken korean sounds like to their ears cos i have the vocab but like zero grammar skills so it must sound quite funny ahahaha. and planning holidays. HAHA. i think i have wasted alot of time bumming around these few months. BUT GUESS WHAT i love bumming around. and it makes you more efficient at work. kinda like how those people who train for marathons do nothing but bum and sleep in the daytime (well those super marathoners in kenya. apparently. i guess there are plenty of efficient marathoners who do loads of stuff when they are not running. but i couldnt do that. i would totally just burn out). all the nurses always tell me at the end of a long shift GO HOME GO HOME YOU WILL BURN OUT. but i dont feel burned out leh. i think its cos i bum SO MUCH at home HAHAHA doing all these nonsense stuffs

yea i totally know all this stuff is nonsense but i enjoy it. hahaha.
anyway its a useful skill ok. can make some awesome stuff with inkscape now

on another random note i am currently craving:
macbook air
go pro
DSLR
IPAD

however i dont have THAAAT much money so i am going to get these things slowly one by one in order of importance

also despite the lovely bumming time i think it might be prudent to start the application season HAHAHAHAAHA

what do i even say. i think just leave it to God. He clearly knows best, i no longer know anything anymore. i've decided to just leave it up to Him cos He has some really good plans far better than mine. but i should do my best and get my referees and survive my interviews and then if God really wants then i'm sure He will help me this time. it would be a miracle to suddenly get my miracle after all these years hahahaha its great that i can laugh at myself and my ridiculous journey through this life but OH WELL.

inside the endless despair/ the only thing i could do/ is hope and pray

Monday, August 28, 2017

if you can't fly, run



super inspiring song by BTS!
All the underdogs in the world
A day may come when we lose
But it is not today
Today we fight!

No not today
Some day, the flowers will wither
But no not today
But today’s not the day
It’s too early to die
No no not today

Yea, we are extra
But still part of this world
EXTRA + ORDINARY
That’s not even that special
Today we’ll never die
The light will pierce through the darkness

If you can’t fly, run
Today we will survive
If you can’t run, walk
Too hot, success doublin’
Too hot, somersaulting on the charts
Too high, we on trampoline
Too high, someone stop us

We couldn’t fail
Because we believed in each other
Trust me, who is next to you
Together we won’t die

Throw it up! Throw it up!
Throw away the fear in your eyes
Break it up! Break it up!
Break the glass ceiling that traps you
Turn it up! (Turn it up!)
Burn it up! (Burn it up!)
Till the day of victory (fight!)
Don’t kneel, don’t break down
That’s not today!

Monday, August 14, 2017

inspiration

http://msf-seasia.org/blogs/17613

chanced upon this lovely little piece of writing by a hongkong surgeon with MSF. ok, not chanced upon, i stalk the MSK blogs all the time. HAHA.

"Time flied and my three months mission finished. On the last day in South Sudan, I met the Hong Kong doctor that came to replace me. He was my senior in university. A few years back when I graduated, he handed over the CUHK alumni dragon boat team to me. And today in the airport of Bor, on the other side of the world, I passed on my mission in Bor to him. It was a very special feeling to have friends and mentors who strive for the same goal. As I waved him goodbye and stared at the back of the MSF car, enjoying the last of the hot breeze and dazzling sun, I knew I would be back again.
Life must go on after this unforgettable journey to South Sudan. Coming back to this familiar place, staring at these advanced equipment and well-equipped operating theatre, I know I am no longer the same." - dr shannon 

SO INSPIRED.

~
FRCEM INTERMEDIATE VIDEOS, come on we can do this!!!

Sunday, August 13, 2017

you, clouds, rain

on a cool day, post night, plus a nice post night brunch (thx to a new friend for the treat as well as all the advice! it was much appreciated! one of the things i like abt ed is meeting loads of new people. haha reminds me of those days of spontaneousness) , many thoughts are running through my head

learning new korean vocab is so therapeutic. maybe i should watch some frcem intermediate videos instead to learn abt chest and abdo trauma. HAHA.on the bright side, i learnt how to say "stabbed in the chest" and "i have a fishbone in my throat" in korean. these are VERY USEFUL PHRASESS ok

~
i guess when you let go of everything, then you can let God take over. i guess letting go of everything is very very difficult. it can feel like giving up sometimes. but it's not abt giving up EVERYTHING. you still need to lead your life and go to work everyday. i dont really know how to describe it. i guess it's something like, if you dont focus on wanting something SO SO MUCH and just go about living your everyday life and hoping God will help figure your life out (since u cant figure it out urself), and as time goes by some things fall into place and some dont. and new things pop up like mushrooms in a fairy field. and you let some more things and people go. and so life goes. cycle of crabbyness and glucose drinks and starbucks and egg benedicts all starting to blend into each other like an indistinguishable ice blended. it may be quiche but it is what it is

sometimes it may be ironic, sometimes not so
sometimes u have no time to think at all

i guess what im trying to say is that life cannot be subsumed into something that is explained so easily.

and even that when one does sometimes get what one wants, sometimes its not the best. it seems like no matter how old i grow, i still have difficulty on a daily basis believing 100 percent that alot of the times God is saving me from something. i mean i KNOW it but it just doesnt ring true to me sometimes. haha. confessions. or i wish it was but sometimes it doesnt seem too clear.

i think part of the problem is that ive gone SO many circles of philosophy and internal explainations that they no longer make sense to me anymore. to the point that to explain something to myself, i'm like... I EXPLAINED THIS to myself already, it made perfect sense, and shit happend ANYWAY. so i dont really like this explaination particularly.

ok. THAT makes sense. HAHA.

actually life is really ok if i dont think bout it too much. just enjoying each day and chillaxing with my friends and the great nurses, and meeting my quota, esp with nice bosses, it really isnt the slightest chore at all. actually its a great joy. esp when the bosses are nice. like one of my HEROes the other night was like "e pls go back home!!" 5 mins later he u turns and comes back "actually i was just gonna ask, we're ordering supper do you want any?" HAha epic.

at the end of it ALL, it's God who smoothens our way, who makes five loaves and two fishes out of literally nothing (speaking of which my student bought mr bean for me. SO THANKFUL coz if not i would have STARVED. also the post 2 m&rs and pre nail avulsion dinner with IL was so great despite the usu hosp food. and also thankful for my new ortho friend who helps with those ortho xray readings. haha seee i have so much to be thankful for.).

so i should keep on the road, even if the lights have gone out multiple times and the path seems like an everchanging geographical landscape like the icelandic glaciers and volcanos. i might have felt ravenously hungry post shift and skipping dinners etc but im clearly still alive and clearly did not die from starvation as of yet.

i should keep on doing what is right.

and if one day, God ever decides that he might want to send someone my way, then i should NOT rely on my own deciding purely, but listen to that inner voice telling me whether it is the right person or not. because, to conclude, my own compass is severely lacking.

howeveR if that is not meant to be then i guess, after all these years of love poetry, i can accept that and that there is something better. cos i know there is so much more to life. and anyway i have been through SO EXTREMELY MUCH KOREAN DRAMA worth of krebby life cycles already that i think i have enough to fill TEN VOLUMES OF POETRY that probably no one will read. so i am NOT KEEN AT ALL to have new people to walk into my life to increase the number of poetry volumes that i produce. i think alot of it is that no matter how we said in sec sch that we dont define ourselves by who comes on a white horse to save us, i guess sometimes alot of the times we DO very much so. so this is me saying that GUESS WHAT there is quite enough thank you very much.

and that maybe God really does want me to go the msf route instead and that is something noticebly harder with a knight on a white horse, it wouldnt really fit onto the plane. and that i accept that and know that is actually the far more exciting and awesome life plan

ok enough roundabt metaphors. HAHA.

~




Rain is coming.
I thought of you.
I think so.
It was.
It does not matter.
Today is the day that I think about you for a long time.
I deliberately look for a song with you and me
It’s okay to be sad or depressed today.
If this night goes by anyway,
I’ll live with you for another time.
I’ll live in my heart.

Sometimes I go back.
I rather have this rain

The happiness that has been given to us
I think I wrote it too soon.
I think that’s it.
When this rain is over
I have to live again.
~
I just suddenly thought of you
It’s not that I miss you or anything
The way back home is too long
I guess I didn’t have enough to think about

Are you still the same as before?
Are you still the way I remember you?
~
I’m sorry, it’s my fault
Thank you, it’s all thanks to you
These were words you said out of habit
Even though I knew you were struggling too
You probably think I’m a fool

If I say that things are hard with a crying face
Will it really get better?
If I cry and say it hurts, who will have a harder time?
Everyone will be fine

Maybe we trapped each other
Inside our own misunderstandings
No, you don’t understand me
Whenever I see your worried eyes

We’re together but we’re not walking together
Loneliness and misery, the difference is only one memory
But why do you keep trying to write it as something else?

Friday, August 11, 2017

SVT/ all the adenosine in the world

beautiful lyrics to listen to on a rainy day!
night shift later

i love learning a new language. it feels like opening a whole new world. SO satisfying when i can read and understand the sogang 3a book! hahah. i'm at around chapter 6 now. bought sogang 3b the other day and it's lying there on the table just waiting to be opened.

yeaH there are many stresses and worries in life, but for what ive got so far, thank you God :) i truly dont even deserve this much so thank you.


cover by SVT dokyeom

When darkness falls
I’m left alone again
Until the day dawns I stay up thinking
It’s hard to understand

Today I tried to believe you
No matter how much I blame myself
It’s impossible to hate you
It’s impossible to trust you My memories haven’t faded

I must have loved you a lot back then
But I must have been the only one in love
It wasn’t the pain of losing you
It was the side of you I didn’t know that made me feel so lonely

When the sun rises it all becomes forgotten like this
To go back in time 
My memories don’t go that far

my heart misses it, but knows we no longer can be
Making it impossible to count on you again 
Impossible to want anything from you

~


jessica - summer storm 
I don’t wanna waste time
This too shall pass
Like always
I’ll be stronger once again

Don’t say it’s a beautiful farewell
Because it’s really selfish
Because it makes me have hope
Although it’s not for you

On that rainy day, you and I
The moment we didn’t say a word
Only awkward silence flowed between us
As it pushed us apart
With cold faces
Into the falling rain
Bring me back to the summer storms
With you and I

After it passed like a storm
And I opened my eyes
You’re no longer here
I realize
I truly believed you

I was afraid
Of not being able to see you that summer
Because I knew it could never go back
I was lost on winding paths but now
I won’t regret

~
BTOB minhyuk - purple rain


your back view that is still clear like stinging thorns 
I guess it rained overnight
I wondered if this was a dream
All those what-if’s
I’ll get used to it at the blink of an eye
Yea, I’ll get used to it
I believe it, I hypnotize myself
I’ll become indifferent

Falling in the rain
Oh Falling

What was the problem?
Was it even a problem?
Hanging onto a question without an answer
I try to get an answer but
The only thing remaining
Is this damn habit, this cruel habit
Of still seeing you clearly when I open my eyes
The habit of drawing you out in the falling rain

I’ll be straight forward, I still regret it
It doesn’t matter on who was right or wrong
Trapped in the illusions of if-only’s
It’s too late for us to start again

tomorrow, today



Why must I decide about tomorrow, today?
How should I know what tomorrow will bring?
My path and my dreams are fading

If I could turn back time
And see my future
I would know which way to go
I would know where my path is

Why are you telling me to choose
When I only have my eyes half-open?
Somebody let me know
Tell me which way to go
Cuz I don’t, don’t, don’t know

Again today, there are questions I don’t know
I’m trying to answer but I’m not confident
Is it this way or that way?
I’m afraid of my decision

With an anxious heart heart heart heart
I’m standing in front of the next next next choice
Between paths that I’ve never gone on before
How can I find my way? I’m afraid, day by day

Even when I’m busy, they endlessly ask
I’m going forward but I keep looking back
What will I become at the end?
Will I regret it if I look back later on?

I clench my fists but I’m still timid
But I stop myself and try to have courage

Across the disappearing day
I’m standing right here
As I let go of another day that I can’t turn back
Tell me, tell me
So tell me which way to go

Sunday, July 30, 2017

this is the sound of surviving



a comment on one of the youtube vids from nichole nordeman's new album: " Some music is just nice, but this is more. Some transports you to places you've been, things you've seen, and makes you think about how miraculously God can bring you through fire and joy and everything in between." THIS. EXACTLY HOW I FEEL ABOUT HER MUSIC. altho there is a little more fire than joy. but there is joy too. LIKE FRCEM PRIMARY. thank you for that dear God! means alot to me, surviving that, for various reasonS. (of course the classic is her song i am) but the new songs give a hard fight toooo [Verse 1] They told me I'd never get to tell my story Too many bullet holes It would take a miracle These voices Inside my head like poison Trying to steal my hope Silencing my soul [Pre-Chorus 1] But my story is only now beginning Don't try to write my ending Nobody gets to sing my song [Verse 2] These pieces The ones that left me bleeding Intended for my pain Became the gift You gave me I gathered those pieces into a mountain My freedom is in view I'm stronger than I knew [Pre-Chorus 2] And this hill is not the one I die on I'm going to lift my eyes and I'm going to keep on climbing [Bridge] I'm still here Say it to the pain, say it to the rain Say it to your fear [Chorus 2] This is the sound of surviving This is my farewell to fear This is my whole heart deciding I'm still here, I'm still here

you were only always here/ every mile mattered

so i woke up to find one of my favorite singers released a new album reccently and this song popped up on my spotify!


you're here - nichole nordeman

[Verse 1]
In my younger years
I found You beneath the steeple
In the faces of Your people
Could hear You in the hymns
In my younger years
Then later on
I met You on a road, once winding
Seeking but not always finding
With the building gone
You still loved me later on

[Pre-Chorus]
Anywhere You are is sanctuary
Everywhere You are is where I'm free

[Chorus]
You're here, You're here
The only invitation that You need
Is the very air I breathe
You're here, You're here
I will never be alone
You will be always be my home
'Cause You're here

[Verse 2]
In the same small room
Staring at the life I've chosen
Hoping that the door's still open
To give my heart to You
In this same small room
What could separate
Me from all the ways You love me?
Nothing below or above me
Could get in the way
This is what You say

[Bridge]
You're still in my story, when my tears fall on the dirt
You're there in the morning, wrapping grace around what hurts
You were in the questions, in the silence on the phone
You were paying cab fare, making sure I made it home
I believed in too far, I believed in my worst fear
But You were never moving closer, You were only always here!

You will always be my home
I don't have to be alone

every mile mattered - nichole nordeman 
[Pre-Chorus]
I see shoulda beens, coulda beens
Written all over your face
Wrong turns and bridges burned
Things you wanna change

[Chorus 1]
It's history
You can't rewrite it
You're not meant to be trapped inside it
Every tear brought you here
Every sorrow gathered
Yeah, it's history
And every mile mattered

[Verse 2]
Get the box off the top shelf, with the black and white
Snapshots of your old self, in a better light
Ghosts and regrets back again, I can see it in your eyes
Send them home, let 'em go

[Chorus 2]
But it's history
It don't define you
You're free to leave
It all behind you

[Bridge]
And every road and every bend
Every bruise and bitter end
All you squandered, all you spent
It mattered, it mattered
Mercy always finds a way
To wrap your blisters up in grace
And every highway you'd erase
It mattered, it mattered

~
you were there, in the snowy runs in edinburgh. you were there when i tripped over a tree root. you were there when i fell and picked myself up again, running up arthur's seat on a slow sunday morning. you were there when i thought i saw fireworks but what i saw was actually an illusion. walking with the wrong person, in the wrong country, on what was literally the wrong path. you were there as the darkness lifted and the night came to an end, when i was sitting in the taxi home, trying to find enough money for the cab fare. you were there telling me that despite what i thought, there was a plan after all, there was an end to all the eternal heartbreaks.

you were there when no one believed in me, you sent angels to wipe my tears in the stairways. you still send angels to encourage me when i feel down. like dr j. i am SO so endebted to her encouragement, i think she has no idea how much strength she gave me just from what she told me. 

in the same small room, staring at the life i've chosen, hoping that the door's still open
i realize that you were only always here. after all these years, you're still here. 

and every road and every bend, every bruise and bitter end, it mattered, mercy always finds a way :)

random sunday thoughts

kutless - identity
I’ve been looking from the outside, outside
I’ve been walking on a straight line, straight line
Scared to let the world see my failures, who I am, or who I’ve been

I’ve been waiting for somebody else to
Take the chance that I am so afraid to
I don’t know how to find myself am I the only one the only one

I am so tired of trying to prove it I’m never gonna do it alone
God I need You to be my identity

It’s always easier to hide behind that
Camouflage that keeps our hearts so guarded
But there’s no shame when we surrender everything to You
Everything to You


"Overcome"

You can’t see a way, then a mountain moves,
Skies are lonely gray, then the sun breaks through,
When your darkest hour surrenders to the dawn.

No where left to turn, but the sea will part,
Running out of hope, still He holds your heart,
And He won’t let go, He’s with you through it all.

His love will overcome, overcome,
His love has already won, already won.

Will you take a stand, and a step of faith,
Will you trust the hands, that calm the waves,
You don’t have to ever be afraid, He is with you through it all.
Deep and wide an endless tide from age to age,
Stronger than whatever we will face.


~

i really love the new parish prayer. that without needing to get on a plane to spain, we are on this camino called life. tell me about it. 

~

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

swimming



such a calming song!


also a super awesome jay park x 1millionstudios collab

skip for long ramblings
every now and then i realize i have a really inmature side to myself. lol. most of the time nowadays i feel very OLD AND JADED. and its like, where did the time go?! used to answer "4 mths" when pts asked me how long i've worked for. now its like... "more than three years". even if a patient were to ask me how many t&ses ive done it would be like... i cant even count anymore, feels like i'm t&sing shins everyday. and nowadays the mcr numbers start with 63! omg. suffice it to say i feel verYy old atm. it also feels like ive given up on nearly everything, not that i'm depressed or anything but i guess somewhere along the day, hoping got a little too painful so i kinda gave up. in a good way! im just chillaxing around enjoying life nowadays. like just literally doing whatever i want. watching dramas, buying concert tix for artists ive always wanted to watch, going on hols ive always wanted to go for, meeting up with friends - the few that have stayed all these years. HAHA. (oh and t&sing shin lacerations and trying my darnest to be safe and meet quota. the eternal struggle, but it does seem to be much easier these days with time, and with lovely colleagues and the fantastic ed nurses!)

ok so that said, i also do acknowledge my very inmature occasional side. i'm definitely NOt proud of it. i guess in life sometimes its not just yourself to blame, also others, however you cant control others but you can control yourself. yeah i could have had an even happier or faster happy ending which clearly hasnt quite come my way yet. but despite that, i have definitely accomplished more wth my life than i could have quite imagined or hoped for when i was younger. with all that maths and physics that i truly sucked at, not to mention chinese, that's like HALF THE SUBJECTS, i dont know how i made it to this med school thing. med school itself was quite okay though surprisingly HAHA. so anyway making it to this day is pretty awesome and then also just becoming a halfway competent paeds mo and then changing to adult med, and becoming less noob daily, to me feels like a huge accomplishment. of cos i still have loads to learn, but ive still come a long way. and there is no question in my mind where my help comes from :)

SO. for times when i feel tempted to slip into the old refrains and complaining abt my life and unfairness (SO teenage angst omg), just need to remember all the miracles that He has done thus far. and know that He is going to continue bringing me through it all :) even if maybe there arent any more miracles after this, i think the ones that have occured are already so awesome and amazing and i was so underserving of them, that its also not really fair of me to expect loads more to come. i mean. i've benefited so much already from God's grace and love, it's time to give back and not to just be a parasite sucking out infinite amts of chocolate and korean dramas out of life (who me? heh). 

just need to take a rain check sometimes and take a deep breath. and remember that pple are sometimes (very often) unreasonable but that since i have already experienced such inmeasurable and unexplainable grace and love, i guess i can put aside my innate debater instinct to argue my points and say that HEY ACTUALLY IM RIGHT IM RIGHT! (cos anyway, half the time, no one listens to me. thats another of my pet peeves. WHY DOES NO ONE LISTEN TO ME WHEN IM RIGHT zzzz). to say that, ok, maybe i might be right, but the right thing to do is to let it slide and do whatever leads to more peace and happiness for others. something like that anyways is what i think, ON HINDSIGHT. no really theres no point getting petty abt things sometimes. 

and its undeniable that God saved me from something really big, my past selves and what i could have been if God didnt continuously save me from myself is pretty chui. haha. so some SELFRESTRAINT to keep this newfound maturity would probably be good. 

at the end of it all actually i guess we're still human and its hard
and it really depends how you look at it.
and sometimes choosing to look at the bright side may be good or bad, i dont know. but at least you would feel marginally happier if you transiently looked at the good side. 

anyway in other news due to circumstances (e,g cannot wake up in time post night) i missed 2 weeks of church, but FINALLY made it this week, so that was nice. like one of my fellow mos bk said on his insta stories - can wake up to save lives but cannot wake up for church. or something to that extent HAHAHA that really struck a chord with me. laughed quite a bit when i saw that. i guess we dont have a choice in that we need to turn up for work no matter what, but yknow still church is good to go for it. 

after that some nice things happened including things like GETTING A GREY PLUG. some hypotensive pt and gs was like. get a grey plug. he comes back and grey plug in the foot. gs " wow so pro who set this?? the reg?" reg says "no leh my mo". FELT VERY VERY PROUD OF MYSELF at that moment haha. 

another day had a difficult plug, impossible in fact, went quite a few rounds hoping to try to find someone to save me. then i suddenly went into one of the p3 rooms and found dr S chatting with another mo there. i LITERALLY COULD NOT BELIEVE MY LUCKY STARS. he looked a bit surprised to be thus pounced upon but luckily dr S is one of the NICEST GUYS EVER so it worked out well for a desperate me. and then he taught me how to set my FIRST NECK PLUG EVER. so was vv happy after that

and then today i went to gym, first time since like 4th july. i really cant believe that my gym-addicted self has come to this stage but i suppose if my body can metabolize fat without daily gymming that could be good too, was getting way too addicted to gym when i was in med sch years if you ask me (also this means that for my weight loss/ health i sincerely need to do ed forever cos we're always running around HAHA. or maybe if one day i get much more efficient in ed and somehow manage to take hx take bld update family clear case review pt all without making several rounds around a&e, then this magical weight loss program might phail and i might need that gym membership for reals??)

nevertheless weight loss or no, that one hour of RPM was literally magic. it felt SO good to sweat it out and get an endorphin rush, and to know that for that hour i literally didnt need to worry abt ANYTHING. so this is why i can't give up my gym membership, cos endorphine rush is literally PRICELESS if you ask me. 

in conclusion, i shall try to be a more mature person (in my daily private life, i definitely endeavor to be v mature at work. and half the time you cant help but be, really.). 

okays off to sleep, simulation tomorrow and then more simulation at residency fair on sat!! excited

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

we can make it through make it through

FAV SONG EVER
will always associate this song with passing frcem primary. hahaha. cos i literally couldnt get it out of my mind just before the exam. so comfortinG

~

I know you and I, we can make it through make it through
When crashing waves pull you down in the undertow
Reach out your hand and I swear I won't let you go
I'm with you tonight

All this time You've been walking here beside me
Waiting for the day I'd call your name
So Here am I walking through the darkest valley
Shine down Your light so I can see

~
i will be the first to admit my shortcomings, whatever they may be. and i also didnt go to church the past two weeks due to circumstances and then oversleeping post night ARGH. so yeah i'm no saint, that's for sure.

but this i know, that with God, i'll make it through

~

that said, passed bcls today! haha i always have problems doing the cpr to the exact time that the machine wants and to the exact perfect depth. and i havent gymmed for literally seven mths now so i wasn't too optimistic either abt arm muscle power. i remember when i went to that same center post night for acls more than a year ago. how far i've come! and what a change in personality since then LOL.

~

i wish for many things. like unlimited time to do things like research. and for knotty problems to unknot themelvesS. i wish i could be a better person, like all the time. i wish i could finish up this research project and find a conf i really want to go for to submit it to. i really want to find the mojo to restart proper emed mugging. however i just finished a very xiong frcem primary mugging time and want to chillax HAHA. also i have very urgh memories of feb where i mugged very hard. LOL. but i guess more knowledge is better than less lah

small stepS. like making it to church this sunday! yes i willlll

Thursday, July 13, 2017

murakami continues

"You are 27 or 28 right? It is very tough to live at that age. When nothing is sure. I have sympathy for you."

"Distance might not solve anything, no matter how far you run.”

"Unspoken feelings were as heavy and lonely as the ancient glacier that had carved out the deep lake."

"I’m not a human. I’m a piece of machinery. I don’t need to feel a thing. Just forge on ahead."

"Beyond the edge of the world there’s a space where past and future form a continuous, endless loop."

One morning I awoke and the sheep was gone. It was then that I understood what it meant to be ‘sheepless.’

“More than once I tried stretching my hand out in the dark. My fingers touched nothing. The faint glow remained, just beyond my grasp.”

“It was so complicated, like something out of an existential play. Everything hit a dead end there, no alternatives left.” #waiting for godot since june 2010 #waiting for the nhs shuttle bus is like waiting for godot

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." (actually a quote by camus not murakami. but it's still nice!) 

Saturday, July 8, 2017

im your light



this song is strangely addicting hahah

im on night shift agaiN tonight. i mean i like nights (esp the pre night and post night sleeps) but 2x in one week is abit shag i think? and some nights can be really chuann. oh well. hopin to survive.

trusting is difficult but for the very little bit of happinesses sprinkled throughout the days, i thank God very much. it had been very very long without even the slightest miracle at all and it was getting a little hard to run. passing of exams and also starting to gym again was like such a huge rush of endorphins and happiness all at once. i chanced upon one of my former schmates blogs where she seems to have ?quit med to go travelling and she said that for the past three yrs she had been living with a low lvl anxiety which is why. i KNOW WHAT SHE MEANS. but in a way that low level anxiety DEFINES me. like a I KNOW THAT LIFE SUCKS and i EXPECT it to suck (primarily cos it has nearly always sucked for me in very illustrious ways). so HAH life you can't beat me! actually it can lah. but then i have my God who will save me from that in all manner of ways. # twisted life philosophies.

looking back on the last one yr of adult ed - HAS IT BEEN SO LONG.
it feels like just ytd that i stepped into an adult ed having palpitations++++
i dont feel senior or experienced in the slightest. the other night one of the mos was like "oh u know, u are the most snr mo tonight" me" HAHAHAHA omg".
i know that i have so much more to learN
the first six mths were really like honeymoon HAHAHA. anyone who knows the structure of our 2 eds will know what i mean. the second six months were exhilarating, exhausting, eye opening and educational beyond belief. i did things i could never have imagined myself doing and experienced excitement i could never have known. i realized that this is what i ALWAYS imagined medicine to be and this mental image of medicine is what made me sign up for it in the first place. yes i did get very very jaded due to a lot of circumstancial happenings but i think exchanging my idealistic innocence for this level of excitement (and anxiety) is a totally fair exchange and one i would make ANY DAY.

to this day i have no clue what God has in store for me. literally after this mopex posting i dont even know which is the best next mopex posting to apply for. (i guess i would be happiest staying in this place forever but shld i try anes to become better at intubation? icu? try other eds?) however i know that the past 1 yr of pedsed and then 1 yr of adult ed has been the MOST EXCITING and happiest time of my life. so literally thank God for those experiences.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

my everything/ and all you have begun you will complete

SO i passed my frcem primary!!! i also survived a full 6 mths ed posting, and took NO MCs at all thereby earning a very cute cert hahah along with loads of my friends. i also mananged to finish shift on time to actually get to the farewell dinner (a feat by itself..). i also then had a CRAZY night shift thereafter where we were all foaming ++++ but ok lets ignore that haha. THANK GOD the senior was the super nice and chill dr a hahaha made an otherwise foaming night all the bearable.

it was a really tough 6 mths for a variety of reasons. i think alot of the reasons were SUPRATENTORIAL. like how i studied VERY HARd in feb for the frcem primary and then alot of shithappened so then in may when i wanted to restart studying i was really NOT KEEN coz i had alot of bad memories from when i was industriously studying in feb. but i also couldnt not study coz... duh its better to pass the exam.

ANYWAY. I SURVIVED IT. thank God. met alot of awesome friends along the way as well. so many good memories. watching chest tube insertion post shift in resus with zy. meeting the hilarious R (and his phone callz omg). post frcem primary dinner at holland v with the edmopex mos, was really really nice. reminiscent of those post exam celebrations in med school! having c in ed for a good chunk of the posting was great too, its so nice to see an extra familiar face and make the ed feel even more like home haha. altho i stay there so long all the time it alr feels like home. it's still nice.

it's true that these six months have made me, or helped to harden my resolve in being JADED BEYOND BELIEF. and i dont dare to make myself unjaded, to let my walls down. i dont dare in the slightest. but yea i do think that compassion for humanity is not a bad thing, and i think its not something i should forget. its how to balance the jadedness and the walls of defence we put up so we dont get hurt by the world, and how to show others compassion at the same time. i dont deny that that is a difficult, everyday balance. i may talk really quickly to the pts due to time constraints but i try to at least be really sincere and nice in those 5 mins so that they feel that someone listened to them and that i really wanna help them and that they arent just part of my ever-changing quota numbers.

there are many seniors i really admire and respect like dr f, dr s, dr cs and so many more. (dr f is SO AMAZIN whether it be to patients or colleagues or mos, he is literally my hero, plus he is SO GOOD at m&r. i cant describe my happiness at the day he brought me thru an ultrasound guided m&r via bier's block and behind me everyone was like WHOAAA as they saw the fracture hump smoothening out on the ultrasound hahaha cheap thrill but also very very awesome). they inspire me to try my best each day and keep on going despite some days the foam +++

praying and hoping that with God's grace, i can keep on walking this ed path for many years to come. i know that if it is His will, it will come to fruition. i think what the past six months have taught me is that when you give it to God, it's not abt saying "oh i give up for five minutes cos i know God will give it to me five mins later and all will be good" like a petulant 2 year old who wants some candy. its abt being grownup and accepting that sometimes we dont get exactly perfectly what we want but in the end -whatever- happens will be for good, whatever it may be. i know that in the end its not going to be perfectly what i wanted (ummm three yrs of mopex is not exactly what i planned for so we're all good already HAHAAH), but it's going to work out well. what is well, or good, i'm not sure but i KNOW its gonna be ok. at least i hope so, but for now i'll just enjoy the busyness of ed, try to be safe and be fast, and guess what, being priviledged to live life in the fast lane is all that we could ever have hoped or prayed for. thank you God for knowing which part of medicine i would love the most and which suited me and my personality the best and guiding me (not so gently HAHA) to it.

"My Everything"

When my hope is lost
And my strength is gone
I run to you and you alone
When I can't get up and I can't go on
I run to you and you alone

'Cause you're my light in the dark
And I sing with all of my heart

My almighty God divine
I am yours and you are mine
This is all I know how to say
Hallelujah
You're my everything

When I'm plagued with pain
And filled with fear
I run to you and you alone
When my days are few
And death is near
I run to you and you alone

When trouble comes and goes
And when the cold wind blows
I lift my hands up, I lift my hands up
When sorrow knocks me down
And you pick me off the ground
I lift my hands up, I lift my hands up
And I sing

Hallelujah
By the grace of God above
I'll shine a light 'cause I am loved
Ohh Ohh, You're my everything

"For All You Are" - casting crowns

When I'm standing at the end of me
In the rubble of my broken dreams
And the wells I've dug aren't filling me
And the world I've made's not what it seems to be
My life, Your grace
Here I exchange

All of me for all You are
I lay at Your feet my broken heart
And I'll find my healing in Your scars

You're the anchor in a raging sea
In the center of the storm You are my peace
You're the dreamer of my destiny
And all You have begun You will complete