About Me

Monday, January 30, 2017

drinking solo

so i
- survived a night shift (and saw 18 pts! i cld prolly have seen up to 20 if i didnt have 2 difficult blds./ but this is also thanks to v nice bosses, and calling eye 3x in one night. HAHA. for the record, i did NOT cherrypick my cases and saw them strictly in order)
- prepped a presentation post night (very. sleepy)

daily study log:
frcem part a: 10 microb online qns and revising microb now!
emed self improvement scheme: epistaxis

#productivity
#the week really turns out better when i start it with mass, and it's only monday
#thank you God for everything

to do
- research as alwayss
project a - revamp my ppt
project b - find missing data
- hope that some kind pple will help me with the last hoops of eval forms!
- hope that i can get better at resus shifts

#trust in God even when it seems hard

Sunday, January 29, 2017

pre night shift musings



i may be biased cos this is douglas adam's favourite piece of music "personal "absolutely perfect" piece of music"

but it is AWESOME. googled the translation and it is awesome too. 

i now feel like buying myself the whole h2g2 and dirk gently series. but as i am now trying to finish a presentation in 2hrs and cant go out to buy it at the current moment, will listen to it over and over on repeat as douglas adams did so many yrs ago. :)
~

Bleib bei uns, denn es will Abend werden, und der Tag hat sich geneiget. (Luke 24 :29)
Stay with us, for evening is coming and the day draws to an end.
Hochgelobter Gottessohn,Most praiseworthy Son of God,
Laß es dir nicht sein entgegen,Let it not be against your willDass wir itzt vor deinem Thronthat we now before your throneEine Bitte niederlegen:lay down a request:Bleib, ach bleibe unser Licht,Stay, ah stay as our light,Weil die Finsternis einbricht.since darkness comes over us.
Ach bleib bei uns, Herr Jesu Christ,Ah, stay with us, Lord Jesus Christ, Weil es nun Abend worden ist,since evening has now come,Dein göttlich Wort, das helle Licht,your divine word, the clear light,Laß ja bei uns auslöschen nicht.do not allow to be put out amongst us.
In dieser letzt'n betrübten ZeitIn these last, troubled timesVerleih uns, Herr, Beständigkeit,grant us, Lord, constancyDass wir dein Wort und Sakramentso that your word and sacramentRein b'halten bis an unser End.we may keep purely until our end
Es hat die DunkelheitDarkness has An vielen Orten überhand genommen.spread over many places.Woher ist aber dieses kommen?How has this happened?Bloß daher, weil sowohl die Kleinen als die GroßenSimply for this reason, because both the lowly and the greatNicht in Gerechtigkeithave not justlyVor dir, o Gott, gewandeltwalked before you, O GodUnd wider ihre Christenpflicht gehandelt.and they have acted against their Christian duty.Drum hast du auch den Leuchter umgestoßen.Therefore you also have turned over their candlestick
Jesu, lass uns auf dich sehen,Jesus, let us look towards youDass wir nichtso that we may notAuf den Sündenwegen gehen.go along the way of sin.Laß das LichtLet the light Deines Worts uns heller scheinenof your word shine clearly for usUnd dich jederzeit treu meinen.and always bring you to mind faithfully.
Beweis dein Macht, Herr Jesu Christ,Show your might, Lord Jesus Christ,Der du Herr aller Herren bist;you who are the Lord of lords;Beschirm dein arme Christenheit,protect your poor Christian people,Dass sie dich lob in Ewigkeit.so that they may praise you for ever

cny

progress report:
i really did choose my ppt template and study gi hormones before sleeping last night! wahaha

now i just need to make my ppt in the few daylight hrs before night shift tmr
this feels slightly remiscent of those ce m&ms

i think something ive learnt is that it's not abt what you have or possess. it's abt havin God's peace in your heart. and if you have that, then you have everything. but life isnt THAT easy and there are ALWAYS distractions along the way. and therein lies the difficulty.

this cny has been pretty fruitful and more pleasant than i expected (im not really a fan of the massive springclean and hundred rules one must follow during cny) it was definitely more chiller and nicer this year, unexpectedly. i also ate many pineapple tarts which was pretty nice. usually i need to diet and all. HAHA good side effect of my current job. no kidding, its really great not to have to think abt weight loss. although i have zero muscle tone but that sounds like pretty low down maslows hierachy of needs

lemme see my current maslows hierachy of needs is
1) GOD
2) peace in heart from God
3) patients all survive
4) sleep (hopefully with a roof over my head, and ideally in my own bed)
5) social contact with fellow humans (fellow mos, bosses, nurses, patients)
6) RESEARCH
7) EXAMS AND STUDY
8) food (occasionally)
9) gym - i gymmed ONE TIME IN JAN 2017. GOOD JOB. i was really planning on gymming today, but spent it at relatives houses eating pineapple tarts. oh well guess the thought counts.

yall get the drift

other things to do
- get eval forms
- CHANGE MY SHIFT on that day
- pray God works a miracle with the missing (essential) data i need for my other research project


Saturday, January 28, 2017

exam prep #2 + a lot a lot of reflections on the past month

a rare day off!

toNS of things to do, choosing ppt templates not least of them all haha

BUT planning to study today:
basic science - GI hormones
applied stuff - bradycardia

okay maybe that will take more than 5 mins. lol.
~

in other news, just need to keep persuading myself that God will bring me through everything, and i only need trust him. definitely not trust myself, because my human-ness and flawedness is beyond imagination. but that if i keep true to the values i KNOW are right, and do what i KNOW God wants me to do, no matter how difficult it is (sometimes very difficult, and oftentimes impossible), IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY. just keep repeating that to myself, until it comes true.

its true that life sometimes makes me feel jaded. and as time goes by, i become less empathatic in general. THAT'S NOT GOOD. that has to stop. seeing patients fast, THAT HAS TO STOP too. sometimes God makes things happen to pull a handbrake on what we're doing wrong.

it's not really abt other pples expectations to be honest, it's my own expectations of myself. my own expectations exceeded what i could do physically and in reality. and that led to one month of literal torture as i tried to work faster and assume things i didnt really know, and stressed myself out.

lets go back to the beginning. the part where God was calling me to do his work and not aim for glory or accolades. the part where every person matters, in that moment, and isnt just another number to reach. yes everything may be telling me to hurry. but that doesnt mean i should hurry. the only thing i must do is increase my knowledge, and practical skills, and THEN my speed will increase. i should NEVER take shortcuts, or assume anything, because taking the shortcuts may mean taking the long way round later. and if i dont do things properly, i can't sleep at night wondering if i did the right thing. that also doesnt mean i shld beat myself up when i dont do things perfectly. like fr c says, it doesnt benefit the next pt if i keep on dwelling on what has passed.

i think what made the first six months of adult med good (apart from being really chillax, HAHA, and having zero expectations and having no one expect anything from me), is that i truly did believe that i was following God's call for the first time in my life. and when you feel that way, then it's really hard not to smile and be cheerful and happy and feel peace in your heart.

what made the past month particularly stressful (apart from doing research when i have no time to do anything except sleep and eat, and working faster than i should have, and expecting myself to miraculously know more despite the fact that i hadnt added any knowledge to my mental database since, btw anat doesnt count since its not like we use basic science everyday), is that i slowly fell off the bandwagon and had the wrong attitude. trust me, it wasnt for lack of trying. and not passing the exam was really the least of my worries. HAHA. and it wasnt really my fault per se. i mean i dont think i could have known that i actually COULDNT work any faster. haha. i tried, thats for sure.

ANYWAY. i have NO idea how i'm gonna find time to stuff knowledge in my brain, but a little bit at a time. neither can i particularly work slower suddenly. but i can try to bring cheer to other people. because i DO know that i AM doing God's work. but going to work feeling stressed, inadequate, and chui, won't really help anything or anyone. i just need to trust that if He places me in a particular place at a particular time, it must be for some general good. be it mine or for the greater good. hopefully to do more good than harm. i know for sure the friendly colleagues and nurses never fail to make my day. the pre and post shift mo room conversations, the watching chest tube insertions at 1am with fellow mo and nurses, the familiar faces during resus shifts.

on that note, i wont deny that awesome as this job is, i think stress is something that comes along with it. the doubt whether u did the right thing or not. i think it's possible that during the first few months, i was a little TOO careful and prolly double checked things a lil too often, hence i didnt suffer so much doubt, because of my over-carefulness, great but ultimately not sustainable. at some point, you just have to give it all to God. to say that, this is it, i gave it my best shot and with the best intentions, and hopefully it all turns out well. and then pray really hard that it DOES turn out well. and u cant overthink it coz there are so many more to go. its kinda like a neverending osce where u need to give each station your best shot.

so for whatever it's worth, i'm going to give february a good shot. and know that God is with me through it all. if i dont increase my knowledge much more during this month, may i at the very least, be a good person and may all my patients survive. haha.

Friday, January 20, 2017

#inspiration

haha. i just signed up for a free trial of rosh review cos i was curious. and also... free trial.

and their email confirmation was strangely comforting/ inspiring

Work hard, stay focused, and always have a sense of mission about your work."

on another note, today i'm mugging hand/ nail bed injuries! all those subungal haematomas/ nail avulsions. fun stuff. 

random note to self: foot fractures - metatarsals backslab, phalangeal buddy splint! 

Thursday, January 19, 2017

exam prep #1

day 1 of frcem mugging!

my stats on the qbank is 70%!! and i didnt google/ check the book for answers this time, just educated guessing ;p but then again, i only did 10 anat qns. so the sample size is abit the small. 

and i also learnt how to do median nerve wrist blocks - at the proximal wrist crease, between the tendons of flexor carpi radialis and palmaris longus to a depth of 1cm! 

aim to study at least 15 mins each day of a) basic science (cough frcem) and b) more applied stuff. even though its gonna be a loooong time to reach frcem intermediate, i feel that the stuff is really useful for daily knowledge! every little bit of extra knowledge helps.  i think the exam is pretty applied stuff in a way too. and this way i wont put off studying coz it doesnt help the daily work - cos it will go towards both exam and daily work too! win win. also it makes me happy to learn new things. that's actually the main benefit.

i also aim to finish ALL THE QNS before the exam. hahahahahaha. dont know if that will actually happen. 

my poem


... hasnt found me yet/ when it does, i will be ready

"in blue night/ one indigo idea crawls"

currently on my second day off this week. it has been an AWESOME chillax time. even managed to work in making it for teaching - which was simulation, pretty fun! and went to buy books ( i am definitely addicted to book buying is all i will say)

plans for today include
- studyin nerve blocks (cough frcem cough)
- gym later in the evening
- research of the day

it's funny how life works. i used to study korean for fun (c.f my dozen+ korean books). but nowadays, if i study it, it feels like a waste of time. well i guess technically it is since it's literally for fun, and obviously its not like im going to move to korea anytime soon. but it's something i used to enjoy. (oh no, not enjoying things one used to... sounds terrible hahaha). i guess the drive to improve myself is really taking over my life these days. and not needing to gym much in order to lose weight, is both good and bad? good in the sense that, i dont NEED to spend my life in the gym unlike say 5 years ago, bad in that, gymming is obviously good for one, generally. 

anyway, that said, i'm determined to learn all i can to be a good doctor. it's a never-ending quest. but for these chances that God, and Life has given me, i will be grateful and do my best. like the other night i stayed late to watch a chest tube. it was really fun! not only did the snr teach us, the other reg was guiding him thru it too. and watching it with the nurses and my fellow mo and like 1+am... there was this sense of camaraderie and familiarity. like as a med student, yknow how u always feel very awkward and in everyones way? this was totally different a learning environment. like how nowadays i literally JUMP at every chance to do a procedure like m+r, biers block, i+d, i love those things. esp if you know someone is going to walk u thru it, and this is a great chance to learn (its different if u have to do it all alone for the first time then thats a lil scary hahaHa i agree). 

Sunday, January 15, 2017

incidentally

sunday thus far
- learning about paracet od
- making snail progress - but some progress! on research

discovering the AMAZING incidental comics!!!

some great samples


it was sooo hard to choose
his comics are so awesome!!
i specially love his comics on poetry/ writing/ inspiration or the lack thereof
i think the way he places the linebreaks reminds me of my own poetry. that's why it speaks to me so much. and the PUNS wahaha. altho his is farr better. 


i wish



such a pretty psychedelic mv!

ytd i left my shift feeling satisfied that i did pretty much the right thing by all my pts. ok i didnt meet my quota but i've given up working towards a quota now. HAHA

really grateful to have c in this posting. its great to have someone to mutually download the exciting bits and the angst filled bits of each shift, someone who really literally does understand one. and who most importantly doesnt judge.

now i'm spending my off standby day trying to work off the exhaustion so i can do my researchhh

i think, it is true that God will help us, but at some point we have to help ourselves too

I CAN DO THIS!!!

today i will
- lit review the manpower papers
- make better tables
- print out everything
- go to church (at some point)
- study some emed

things to do at some other point
- sign up (again) for the emed exams qn bank
- draw up a study schedule
- sleep with anat pics under my pillow HAHA
- buy more emed books - literally the only thing in life im looking forward to now. i think i have an addiction to books. or maybe i'm addicted to the idea that, the more books i own, the more knowledge will diffuse into my head spontaneously
- sign up for the emed exams when the registration opens

things i want to do but may not ever do
- go to norway
- go to iceland
- go dog sledding
- go on wilderness medicine courses
- go to nepal
- go skiing

can you say escapism? hahah


Thursday, January 12, 2017

always enough

"Always Enough"

In the dry and weary land
Lord, You are the rain
In a sea of shattered ones
Your love comes rushing in

You hold the world within Your hands
And see each tear that falls
Through every fire and every storm
You're always enough, always enough

Your love is peace to the broken
Strength for the weak
Your love is the anthem of nations
Rings out through the ages
And You're always enough for me

In the watches of the night
Lord, You are my song
Hope is in the morning light
Your love shines like the dawn

You keep my heart in perfect peace
My life is in Your hands
When confusion hides my way
You're always enough, always enough

I'll rejoice for my Saviour reigns
I'll rejoice for He lives in me
God on high, he has set me free
And worthy is the Lord

In the dry and weary land
Lord, You are the rain

~



on light and darkness

the past weekend was the epiphany. it was great. i spent years thinking (thanks to my love of puns) that on the epiphany, i should have a god-given epiphany about my life. and for better or worse, acted on whatever epiphanies i had on that day, throughout the years. this year, i realized that a lot of that was actually my own desires in a way, that i projected onto God. like doing the peds neuro elective as a medical student. i remember it was difficult to arrange and i asked God if i should go ahead with it and i thought? that i should. well on the bright side, i did have a very happy time. that was great. i learnt a lot and i got to know the whole neuro team who were awesome people. obviously however i'm not meant to specialize in peds neuro. haha. so yeah, that may have been me projecting my own desires on it all.

this year, i celebrated the epiphany for what it was. finally.

it's not because of what i've done, 
but because of who You are

"Who Am I" - casting crowns

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt?
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart?

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done.
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean.
A vapor in the wind.
Still You hear me when I'm calling.
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling.
And You've told me who I am.
I am Yours, I am Yours.

Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again?
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me?

Whom shall I fear?
'Cause I am Yours, I am Yours

~




a few things
1) the quota no longer means anything to me now (oh of course i can't see much fewer pts than everyone else cos that wouldnt be fair haha!). what i mean is, SAFETY is my priority. yes, efficiency, after being safe that is. if i can't see enough to meet these mythical numbers 2-3 mths into this posting (taking out the months i spent in the chillaxED), and i dont get dreamresisdency, then that just means i'm not ready yet for it!! i'm okay as long as i do the right thing for my patients. i do acknowledge that for the past few days i have been seeing quite fast to the best of my abilities and hopefully i have been safe too but i dont really think this superspeed seeing is exactly sustainable for me at the level of experience i have with adult medicine at the moment. of course the more experience i get, the better and faster i will be, i have no doubt abt that. but right now, i think i need a lil more experience first. and it's not really about the exact number. its abt doing the right thing for each pt. 
2)  i'm going to brush up on my knowledge STAT. realize i have a lot of deficiencies in my knowledge. but that can be remedied! i have tons of emed books plus emed has lots of FOAMed resources, there really isnt any excuse. i have a base amount of knowledge and internal flowcharts that i do currently use but i think there is ALOT OF ROOM for improvement. so i'm going to spend like 30mins/day reading around a topic like from the emed black book/ mcem guides/ emed textbks. 
3) and hopefully, God will guide me through this. because without His blessing and grace, there isnt any point for me to even set out on this road. but this i know. that God's mercy is endless and infinite, and He can make all things good. and i'll trust in that. not in human things. yes, i do want to get into residency at some point in my life. but as the years fly by, i think i'm realizing that the narrow door lies somewhere else, not in the endless online portal submissions i've been making. and that, that door is the most important door to get through. whether i can ever make it through that door, i dont know. but i can only try. the rest is inconsequential. but i'll do my best. 

Friday, January 6, 2017

first day chronicles/ oh my soul

first day of new mopex posting was decidedly AWESOME

haha ok actually, i literally never left the busyED, coz we go back all the time. so it wasn't a true first day first day. neither was it my first resus shift there, but still i was feelin a lil nervous + excited cos i havent done that many adult resus shifts nor have i done one for quite while now. i remember pre my first resus shift. i was SO nervously excited and then so relieved to see a familiar boss in the resus room!

it was truly busy BUT I SURVIVED!!

plus i managed to intubate someone!!! HIGHLIGHT OF THE DAY. very grateful to bosses for letting me intubate and guiding me through it. also thank you to mr glidescope for making it so easy. wahaha. (yes i know anesthetists intubate people all the time. but this is my first time since becoming a doctor. so it was pretty exciting for me heh)

good start to the new posting INDEED. it is also really nice when everyone (colleagues, bosses and nurses) already knows you hahaha. doubly nice when there are two sets of nurses from diff hospitals but you literally know both sets! makes things much faster and smoother. so many small little pockets of grace and blessings from God around us :)

that said, i have LOADS to learn and improve on. that much i have known for ages.
now i know exactly what i need to do to get there. this mythical "there" i have been trying to reach forever. haha. the fog clears and i can see the way mapped out for me.

to the past 6 mths, which i very clearly documented every step of the way here, i think my gratitude to God for guiding me to that posting is clear. i hope this posting is just as blessed! haha. that said, i think that i also grew up a lil too fast in the past 6 mths and i think that i have a LOT more headknowledge as well as practical skillz to accquire in the next 6 mths. the job is cut out for me but i'm always up for a challenge!!

i'm also for some crazy reason itching for physical challenges such as trialathons and races. i know it's near impossible to do everything HAHA, but i'm a firm believer in physical exercise making one feel awesome. for the record, i went to gym on the FIRST DAY of 2017. and then i went cycling on the second day of 2017! not sure abt the next 363 days. but i'll try.

another thing is that for some reason, waking up each day on the right side of the bed and starting the day with a quick prayer and preshift reading the liturgy of hours, somehow makes for awesome shifts. hope i can keep that up this year! put God first, and all will fall in place :)


oh my soul - casting crowns

Oh, my soul
Oh, how you worry
Oh, how you're weary, from fearing you lost control
And no one would blame you, though
If you tried to hide it away, so no one knows
No one will see, if you stop believing

Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There's a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down
'Cause you're not alone

Here and now
You can be honest
I won't try to promise that someday it all works out
'Cause this is the valley
And there will be dancing
There will be beauty where beauty was ash and stone
This much I know

I'm not strong enough, I can't take anymore
And my shipwrecked faith will never get me to shore
(You can lay it down, you can lay it down)
Can He find me here
Can He keep me from going under

Sunday, January 1, 2017

the obligatory reflections on new years

i started writing this post multiple times but could never finish it.

so i think its apt to write this on the real first day of 2017.

firstly, thank you God for 2016. it was crazy but i loved it. it brought a lot of heartbreak and soulsearching esp in the first half, what with the whole giving up paeds thing, but starting on emed brought me happiness i never knew could exist. now that im getting more into emed, its actually getting realer and tougher to live up to expectations as the expectations get higher (spoiler: in the beginning, i exceeded expectations since no one had ANY expectations for me, since i hadnt done adult medicine for ONE YEAR)

that said, the past six months could still have been rocky due to my inexperience but somehow God brought me through that. so even though the next six months and beyond look scary, i have every confidence that God will help me with that too.

its crazy feeling scared all over again about residency applications. its really crazy. BUT, God brought me to this, he will bring me through it!

things i wanna do in 2017
- gym 2x/week
- run 1x/week
 LOL dont think this will happen
- present well at the conference
- meet my quota AND BE SAFE. MOST IMPT THING. 
- hopefully pass the exam
- hopefully get into residency
- FINISH RESEARCH PROJECT #2

leaving it all to God.
thank you God. 2016 was better than i imagined, only because of you. thank you for showing me that light can overcome darkness, that when all the doors are closed and we are despairing, you will open a window, and light and rainbows will come again.
please help me to be a better person in 2017. i promise to make amends for whatever wrongs i may have done in 2016.