We pray for blessings, we pray for peace,
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering And all the while, You hear each spoken need Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops What if Your healing comes through tears What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love As if every promise from Your word is not enough And all the while, You hear each desperate plea And long that we'd have faith to believe
What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy What if trials of this life The rain, the storms, the hardest nights Are your mercies in disguise
what if trials of this life/ the hardest nights/ are your mercies in disguise
perhaps, just perhaps
spending my sunday off day doing frcem mcqs and pondering the mysteries of the lumbosacral plexus
the other day i was telling c my newfound obsessions of nepal/ trop med/ drs without borders and he was like - do you know what would be good prep/ training for all that? emed. HAHA. you're telling me!!
i think i've found a slightly better balance in life now. how to see a vaguely acceptable number of patients, be safe, and have my patients feel like i'm listening to them instead of hello bye. okay. i'm not beating any records or winning awards for most number of patients. neither am i on track to win best mo award, and i think the only way to get residency EVER, let alone this year, is if God suddenly decides to work yet another miracle for me. i'm not too sure about that to be honest as he has already worked MANY miracles for me (starting from getting into rg, getting into med, getting into med in sg, the last mopex posting). i guess you could say i am happy where i am right now. there will always be something else to strive for but sometimes you need to find the serenity in where you are right now. i'm happy just doing the right thing for my patients. and learning everyday what IS the right thing to do.
even if the healing doesnt come
and dreams are still undone
You are God, you are good
even if the healing doesn't come
Lord we know Your ways are not our ways
so we set our faith in who You are
you say when i'm broken and cant carry on
when all my strength is gone
you're still holding on
trusting in God, that He knows what is best for me.
meanwhile i will sit here doing frcem prep qns. HAHA. chillax sunday afternoons
I SURVIVED MY PRESENTATION! God is really very good.
surprisingly it all worked out really well and i had a great time. met a lot of friends and people i knew well. and i still remember my paeds!
on another note, sitting behind my old boss made me remember that day ?three years ago, nervously sitting in the front row of a hotel ballroom, practicing for my first ever conference oral presentation. i really was very happy that day, having the priviledge and honor to present at my first ever conference, and for the subject of peds neuro which, no question about, i did love at that time. anyway. memories just flooded back when i was sitting behind my old boss this morning. and how he came to support me for that presentation and how he helped me revise the powerpoint slides endlessly (i would worry too if i were him and i was supervising a HO at her first ever conference oral presentation!). i remember going up that stage, shaking with nervousness (very rare for me to feel nervous at public speaking actually! very very very rare hahah). i remember seeing my boss slip into his seat just as i started speaking, and the time going by really fast, and years later i still keep and treasure that conference book. i'm forever grateful to my old boss for his help all those years ago.
haha so fast forward to an old jaded mo. but anyway i survived it and i think its because of God's grace helping me to treat this like a debate (also helped by the podium and large audience which makes me feel a bit like i'm in a debate). and really very grateful and happy for the many friends and familiar faces i met today, and that the paeds bosses liked my presentation. that's the most important thing, that they liked it, winning isnt important. haha.
anyway, i'm feelin stressed abt residency as usual. haha. i thinK that
1) i shouldnt listen to the voice of doubt
2) i should trust that God has a plan
3) i just want to be a good doctor.
being a good doctor is something really hard and something that changes everyday haha. its fluiD. and i still have a lot a lot left to learn!
was having a good long hard think about what i wanna do with my life (the nostalgia of going back to a place i spent so much of my life in and so much of my life wanting to work in does do that to one). and i realized that i really want to do ED. that God brought me to ED. that what i want to do with my life both later and now all boils down to this. and i am very sure that in whatever i am lacking be it speed or practical skills i have the determination to fix!
on that hand, i also dont want to be greedy. being able to apply this year was really due to a lot of luck and nice people who helped me out with it. after waiting VERY VERY LONG in general, it would be difficult to wait one more year. i can't deny that. BUT i also believe that God has a plan for everything.
i'm not really sure, at this moment, whether God wants me to get into residency now, or wait one more year. it goes without saying that whatever i psych myself up to believe, i'll be beyond joyous if i get it this year and devastated if i don't. no question about that. does it make it worse and better if i believe that God is calling me to it? yes, it probably does. i won't lose my God though, even if i don't get it. it'd just bring me closer to God. i know this cos the first three times i didn't lose Him. i guess a fourth rejection might break me HAHA. well in the event it happens i'll pray really hard it doesn't happen and i survive it.
i think at the core of it, i am ready either way. if i were to jump into residency this year i think i could learn fast enough and level up fast enough. and i know i have what it takes both mentally and in terms of fortitude to handle whatever stressors may be thrown at me.
if God really REALLY wants me to wait one more year, i mean, i certainly wouldn't be thrilled, but i guess when i applied last yr sept, i was still a little green (im less green now hehe), so i understand that. and i dont want to treat the acceptance like a be all and end all coz its not the end of a long journey in the desert, it's the start of another long (but decidedly awesome) journey. let's put it this way, if i get it it would obviously be great, but if i dont, God must have a really really awesome plan. i hope i find out soon what his plan is because right now i concluded that his awesome plan is EMED, so if that isnt the plan, i need to find out what the plan is - hobo? fly to nepal? become a baker? lol just kidding. i'm going to KEEP TRYING. DETERMINATIONzzz.
i guess what i'm trying to say is that, each year, learning to trust in God's plan is always challenging and difficult haha. but as he reveals it (very) slowly, and as the puzzle pieces start fitting together, it becomes something more beautiful than i could have ever planned
going back to paeds world for one day showed me that emed has changed me. i was never so brave, so ready to try new things, so keen to volunteer for procedures or to watch things to learn, or to be the first to answer questions. i like the person that working in emed makes me.
Get it together
That's what I say to me
I put on the pressure
You could do better
Be who you're supposed to be But that's when you came in Right when I needed you Said all of the things that I was believing Not one of them were true You lifted my head up I was keeping my head down I didn't know love But I do now
'Cause you stood right there And then you broke apart the lies You told me I had something beautiful inside You brought to life the part of me I thought had died 'Cause You stood right there until I saw me I saw me through your eyes
So this is living This is free Not keeping score Not anymore Not since you rescued me You love me even when I fall apart I can't explain it That's just who you are Don't want perfection You just want my heart ~
its difficult to explain
maybe it's emed, maybe it's God
but in these eight months, everything has changed
i've become a different person, for good
it's like God came and told me i had something beautiful inside, right when i needed him
told me that all the things i was believing werent true. not to listen to the voice of self doubt anymore. not to live keeping my head down
bringing to life the part of me i thought had died
Sunday, February 28, 2010
my nose is blocked but my mind is clear.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
things that made me smile
1. trudging along the hospital corridors, rain was falling thickly against the windowpanes, i suddenly spotted a a porter pushing a food trolley labelled "42"
Monday, February 29, 2016
On a completely random day sitting in the hospital library doing my research as always, engineering shift swops and trying to decide which ministries i have time to help out with, post a nightmare evening shift and pre night shift (please God help us survive tonight...), suddenly struck by a feeling of peace
That God is going to work our miracles somewhere somehow someday
I dont know how or when or what, but it's going to work out
And i wouldnt have it any other way
haha. i like the porter pushing the food trolley labelled 42 bit!!!
my flesh + heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart + my portion forever
- psalm 72:26
im feeling abit of a deja vu with 2 hrs to prepare + practice and impt presentation. reminds me of those ce m and ms. haha. really hope i survive this deccently like the ce m+ms
i conclude from the past 1-2mths that doing research and shift work together is CRAZY HARD.
i also have been firming up my lifegoalS
- i really really want to do Something with my life (not collect paper qualifications, that is for sure). and yeah the childhood ambition of joining doctors without borders has never ever waned
the path towards doctors without borders (or something in the same vein, it doesnt have to be that EXACT same NGO, just that i love it and i have been dreaming about it my whole life), has changed so much in the past ten years. i was probably pre-medschool in 2007 - the peak of my idealism and enthusiasm before all this jadedness came over me hahah. so first i wanted to be a surgeon, then a pediatric neurosurgeon, then a pediatrician, then an emergency doctor. but all these had the same goal - to specialize and then use those skills to join doctors without borders.
i know it's a crazy goal (perhaps even crazier than the thought of doing emed, which though busy, is a very sane choice that many other people have made). not least because msf goes to the place of most need. places with wars, famines, etc. and chances of me ever getting into a training program, or getting the parental permission to go to those places, is honestly not very high
after these ten years and the best of times and the worst of times, i really do think that emed is the best possible speciality for someone joining msf. because you never know what medical situations u will encounter in a remote corner of africa, and i would hate to for example be unable to properly resus someone because i'm all alone in a corner of africa and not know what to do. (not to mention that emed is pretty exciting on a daily basis to begin with, in sg, without having to fly anywhere to get extra excitement).
i really do think that God must have led me down this path for a reason.
i have a long long way to go, and half the time, i'm walking in pitch dark with nothing but the light at the end of a very long tunnel to guide me. sometimes the light goes out intermittantly and then i really do have nothing but the faith that God will turn it back on again. people i set out on this journey with have come and gone, some have stayed throughout, like d, despite everything - i guess God must really have intended for us to become friends back then, 10-11yrs ago.
even though i dont know if i will ever be a good enough doctor to join msf, or get the best training in my opinion (emed residency) to equip me with the skills to join it, or patch up the big gaping holes in my skills and knowledge to even survive the daily work, or even just survive my presentation on saturday -
this i know. that God works in wonderful and mysterious ways, and for those who love him, all things will work out for good. and for the forseeable future, i will do whatever i can to improve on my weaknesses.
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” - 2 cor 12:8-9 sounds familiar huh that said, while msf may forever just be a dream, i also need to accept that, while we can beg God for help - and i truly do believe that if he doesnt give us something, it is for good eventually - sometimes it doesnt happen and if not, He is still good (even if it doesnt often feel that way)
then maybe i will zen out and fly to nepal and really be a mountain doctor. hahaah.
BUT FOR NOW. PRESENTATION. FRCEM. mug. MAKE SURE I CAN SET GREEN PLUGS.
When my hope is lost And my strength is gone I run to you and you alone When I can't get up and I can't go on I run to you and you alone
'Cause you're my light in the dark And I sing with all of my heart
Hallelujah This is all I know how to say
When I'm plagued with pain And filled with fear I run to you and you alone When trouble comes and goes And when the cold wind blows I lift my hands up, I lift my hands up
When sorrow knocks me down And you pick me off the ground
I lift my hands up, I lift my hands up
And I sing
By the grace of God above
I'll shine a light 'cause I am loved
This is all I know I will say
such a nice song!
in a dry and weary land
you're always enough for me
keep my heart in perfect peace
my life is in your hands
it's been awhile since i have felt this way. or maybe i've never stopped feeling this way?
its crazy feeling scared all over again
at first it was a honeymoon period, freed from the expectations and always having to perform (not to mention not really performing perfectly, i guess not)
but somehow i fell in love with this.
and now it feels scary, wondering if i can actually do this
i think i can do it actually.
but it depends on SO MANY things
so many hoops to jump through, and that's only for starters.
doing it is not the problem. i can always psych myself up to say YEA let's do this!
had a really busy fever shift ytd and the nurses commented as i was psyching myself up mid shift "you're really good at this selfmotivating thing yeah"
(me " YAY! 7 patients! there were 9 just now! we're doing a good job!")
what to do, how to survive otherwise hahahahaha
i guess, it's scary that i realized how much i want to do this, and what it means to me. probably more than paeds because this is why i came into medicine in the first place! i loved paeds becos i really loved kids (and still do). not because i came into medicine to do paeds (i only fell in love with paeds during abt m3?)
i won't belabor the point of how much i love emed, what brought me to emed, and the journey of emed thus far (it's very well detailed in this blog hahahah). one word: God.
but i dont know why i feel so scared, if God is going to help me. i guess because it seems so impossible. some days i feel like, if it was me, i wouldnt choose me either. haha. it seems like a dream to have found what i really want to do. that all the puzzle pieces finally fits. other days i know i am slow and i could be faster or better, maybe if i was made out of tougher stuff. like a robot haha. the eternal quest for perfection. i worry that i could have done better or that others are better. i wonder how i can ever reach that eternal quest for perfection. and stop making mistakes in different parts of my life, due to exhaustion.
i guess this is what is called trust and faith.
that even when we have been hurt and all seems impossible, when it seems like the rainbows will never come, and you feel scared and you fear, to put all your trust in God
to know that He is going to make it all okay, even when, ESPECIALLY WHEN it seems like it isnt gonna be okay
it may not be perfect nor easy. that is true. it is DEFINITELY not perfect nor easy.
but if we only trust God, He will make all things beautiful, in his time.
it's difficult when we don't know, when that time comes. but it will come.
and all we can do is KEEP ON GOING, keep on trusting, and do the best with what little resources we have
i guess what im saying is once bitten twice shy. but guess what, God doesnt work that way
His mercies are endless and new each day :)
even this will be made beautiful
its crazy but i choose to trust.
yes. it is a choice.
yes, i have made mistakes in this lifetime, but God will always save
but in real life, we just backslab and tcu ortho. haha. but GOOD TO KNOW
'nother night shift. nowadays night shift = research before and after
aim for next resus shift - type for ALL the pts, hopefully do 'another intubation? i mean the intubations are gonna happen anyway. might as well get more experience if its not a too difficult airway and the boss is nice enough to let me do it!
i learnt this VERY VERY impt lesson ytd during my resus shift
inspired to do better. one of my old bosses told us back when i was young and impressionable that if one isnt good at something, then one must keep on doing that until one is good at it. that's the only way to improve. and i agree!
i would love to talk more the, uh, EVENTFUL resus shift ytd, but pdpa, so probably shouldnt. thankful for the friends who have heard me out (particularly c and js, who randomly appeared in resus in the middle of it, sadly not to help but to pass us one more pt. haha.). anyway, on the bright side, i got ALL my plugs/ bloods, updated ALL the families, typed in all the histories and generally did more or less the right thing. the bosses also were really nice, so it was great. i honestly think that whatever happened, we really did our best.
but next time, i will definitely NOT mess with the _____. that is for SURE. that image will forever stay in my mind.