About Me

Monday, April 10, 2017

rainbow veins/ dreams dont turn to dust

"Rainbow Veins"

Everywhere is balanced there like a rainbow above you
Street lights glisten on the boulevard
And cold nights make staying alert so hard
For heaven's sake, keep me awake so I won't be caught off guard
Clearly I am a passerby but I'll find a place to stay
Brought down by gravity, crystal clear
Make haste, I feel your heartbeat
Find a road to a humble abode where both of our routes meet
The silver sound is all around and the colors fall like snow
The feeling of letting go, I guess we'll never know

Cheer up and dry your damp eyes and tell me when it rains
And I'll blend up that rainbow above you and shoot it through your veins
'Cause your heart has a lack of colour and we should've known
That we'd grow up sooner or later 'Cause we wasted all our free time alone

~
I feel you glowing in the dark
I'm just a stranger in the stars

I chase the phantoms down the hall
I felt the floorboards rise and fall
I lost and never loved at all

~

"Dreams Don't Turn To Dust"

I made for the countryside
And my eyes never grew so wide
Apple raspberry river blue
I rub my eyes 'cause it's hard to see
Surrounded by all this beauty

This picnic will soon depart
Real life, I'm sad to see you go
I'll miss you with all my heart
But I'd rather be alone
'Cause I couldn't live without
Sunsets that dazzle in the dusk
So I'll drag the anchor up
And rest assured, 'cause dreams don't turn to dust

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Thursday, April 6, 2017

offstandby

haha offstandby is a very odd feeling. it feels like you shouldnt plan anything cos u can get called back anytime? anyway enjoying my day off (thus far).

- waking up late
- sending emailzzz
- exam studyingg
- plans for dinner later (??)

~

today's our daily bread was pretty nice:

The psalmist says, “You remain the same, and your years will never end” (Ps. 102:27). The implication of this truth is immense. It means that God is forever loving, just, and wise. 

In the New Testament, James writes, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows” (James 1:17). In our changing circumstances, we can be assured that our good God will always be consistent to His character. He is the source of everything good, and everything He does is good.

It may seem that nothing lasts forever, but our God will remain consistently good to those who are His own.

Lord, You are the One who never changes, and You are so good to us. Calm our hearts today with the grace and peace that come only from You.
The One who holds the universe together will not let go of you.

INSIGHT:  In lament songs, psalmists pour out their fears, hurts, and confusion to God, often wondering when He will meet them in their distress. Psalm 102 does that in verse 2, “Do not hide your face from me when I am in distress. Turn your ear to me.” Clearly, the psalmist’s distress is multiplied by waiting for the Lord’s help. Still, the singer has confident hope in God’s response to his pain (vv. 17-21). 

belated look back at 2016

HAHA this is really very belated.
but anyway 2016 was a good year. it could have had a more fairytale conclusion hhahhaha guess thats what i was waiting for before i posted this post, but anyway i think God knows what he's doing. as my mum concurred when she was like "oh yeah hor if you got into residency right out of med sch you'd be reg soon, can't really imagine you as reg". ME NEITHER. haha. i will strive for increased maturity this year, yes i will. anyway here goes:  also PLEASE GOD i would really like to do 6 more months of emed at my current hospital next mopex posting!!!! and hopefully i'll be even better as time passess...

jan 2016:

Oh telescope,
Keep an eye on my only hope,
Lest I blink and get swept off the narrow road,
Dear God, I was terribly lost
When the galaxies crossed
And the sun went dark.
But dear God, You're the only North Star
I would follow this far.

feb: on fireworks: I remember that moment, i remember the pain

march: it's been a really enjoyable month of seven resus shifts

april:

Lord, teach me that sometimes you have to wait
until I have come to the end of myself
before you can bless me,
until I have finished trying my own plans
before you can show me yours.
Help me to recognise your perfect timing,
and to know that you will never let me down.

may: maybe one day when i finally come to the end of myself, God will finally, finally come through. i wish i could be the girl who hopes in the middle of impossibility but its just that i also dont know what to hope for anymore.

june: !! God has a plan after all!/ Now read the story of a man who heard God's call wherever he was, whatever he was doing, whenever it came, and did at once whatever he was asked to do

july: the examiner right after i finished my acls "mo or reg?"

aug: opening the book & on the first page it says in the dedications "To God be all glory"!!! instantly i knew i've made the right choice.

maybe, just maybe, this crazy idea might work out. haha.

sept: could this, even this, be made beautiful?

oct:
i came to you with my heart in pieces/ and found the God with healing in His hands

but on the days that we feel peace in our hearts, we feel like we're in the zone, when work seems like play, when the plugs go in easily, it somehow makes it all okay. that it's okay not to have any great overarching ambition. that it's okay to no longer lead a life full of insecurities and envy for others. that just this day, full of happiness at helping someone, is enough.

nov: i survived this posting!!! thank You God. :) most fun and enjoyable posting EVER. may i have many many more months of a&e experience to come, and may we continue to do Your will.

dec: 6 months more of emergency medicine at my first choice hospital!!! God is really really good, that is all i can say.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

rooftop moonlight

march was... a crazy month. i literally have NO IDEA how i survived. actually, i'm not sure one could have called that surviving. i definitely did not come out of that smelling of roses. hahaha.

nevertheless, there were some bright spots such as
- providing medical cover for a church event
- light in the middle of darkness (literally, sadly not metaphorically. BUT ONE CAN HOPE. actually, hope is all one has left hahahaah)
- the kindnesses of some bosses. especially dr f. BEST BOSS EVER SERIOUSLY
- PLANNING FOR ICELAND :):)
- the pre-easter confession. you know sometimes you cling on to something SO MUCH and it means EVERYTHING to you. the way the priest chuckled and said "oh dont worry about all that, these are small things" somehow made the world of difference. we spend so much of our lives trying to keep up with all the millions of things that seem to matter... but actually they dont! and there are so many other small things that mean so much in the grander scheme of things that we actually overlooked cos we were chasing after other things.

lent is ending soon. this has been one of the more difficult lents in memory. AND I'VE HAD SOME REALLY BAD LENTS BEFORE. trust me. hahah. at least there is some hope - that easter sunday will eventually come - that the sun will eventually rise again. that at some point God will come and save me from myself (dont even talk about a prince coming on a white horse, or me saving me from myself. HAHA.) i'm literally not under any illusions at all. maybe God will come and work some miracles, maybe he has already worked the miracles. my time of ambitions has come and passed. i just want to see my patients safely and send them home or to the wards happy (one of my pt's relatives last night was so cute HAHA. i passed by him waiting outside the xray room and decided to update him since i was passing by. and he was like WAH dr how u know i'm waiting here. HAHA). and try to approximate meeting the quota (altho i must say i do prioritize safety over quota meeting. but i do try to stay back within reasonable limits to try to hit the quota).

life plans aside - which i have pretty much given up on (yes this entire post literally reeks of giving up, i guess you could say i have, or you can call it MATURE ACCEPTANCE of life lol), i think that these postings have been really great. i have learnt a lot that i really didnt know before. i dont know how i expected to join drs without borders/ do mission trips with literally only peds knowledge/ how to treat urtis and do t&s and remove fbs and m&rs and document on computers. and God answered my plug setting prayers. i really thought he would never give me that life skill. guess desperation in resus wielding green plug in 1 hand and a pale hypotensive patient really does make all the difference. or maybe it's divine intervention and grace, i prefer to think of it that way.

here's hoping that everyone has some easter eggs and easter chocolate this easter season. that the crosses we bear may be just that little bit lighter, that God may, with or without our knowledge, make the paths either slightly easier, or at least make his presence a little more felt in a world where it isnt exactly the most obvious. 1.5 weeks to easter sunday, we can do this!!