About Me

Sunday, July 30, 2017

this is the sound of surviving



a comment on one of the youtube vids from nichole nordeman's new album: " Some music is just nice, but this is more. Some transports you to places you've been, things you've seen, and makes you think about how miraculously God can bring you through fire and joy and everything in between." THIS. EXACTLY HOW I FEEL ABOUT HER MUSIC. altho there is a little more fire than joy. but there is joy too. LIKE FRCEM PRIMARY. thank you for that dear God! means alot to me, surviving that, for various reasonS. (of course the classic is her song i am) but the new songs give a hard fight toooo [Verse 1] They told me I'd never get to tell my story Too many bullet holes It would take a miracle These voices Inside my head like poison Trying to steal my hope Silencing my soul [Pre-Chorus 1] But my story is only now beginning Don't try to write my ending Nobody gets to sing my song [Verse 2] These pieces The ones that left me bleeding Intended for my pain Became the gift You gave me I gathered those pieces into a mountain My freedom is in view I'm stronger than I knew [Pre-Chorus 2] And this hill is not the one I die on I'm going to lift my eyes and I'm going to keep on climbing [Bridge] I'm still here Say it to the pain, say it to the rain Say it to your fear [Chorus 2] This is the sound of surviving This is my farewell to fear This is my whole heart deciding I'm still here, I'm still here

you were only always here/ every mile mattered

so i woke up to find one of my favorite singers released a new album reccently and this song popped up on my spotify!


you're here - nichole nordeman

[Verse 1]
In my younger years
I found You beneath the steeple
In the faces of Your people
Could hear You in the hymns
In my younger years
Then later on
I met You on a road, once winding
Seeking but not always finding
With the building gone
You still loved me later on

[Pre-Chorus]
Anywhere You are is sanctuary
Everywhere You are is where I'm free

[Chorus]
You're here, You're here
The only invitation that You need
Is the very air I breathe
You're here, You're here
I will never be alone
You will be always be my home
'Cause You're here

[Verse 2]
In the same small room
Staring at the life I've chosen
Hoping that the door's still open
To give my heart to You
In this same small room
What could separate
Me from all the ways You love me?
Nothing below or above me
Could get in the way
This is what You say

[Bridge]
You're still in my story, when my tears fall on the dirt
You're there in the morning, wrapping grace around what hurts
You were in the questions, in the silence on the phone
You were paying cab fare, making sure I made it home
I believed in too far, I believed in my worst fear
But You were never moving closer, You were only always here!

You will always be my home
I don't have to be alone

every mile mattered - nichole nordeman 
[Pre-Chorus]
I see shoulda beens, coulda beens
Written all over your face
Wrong turns and bridges burned
Things you wanna change

[Chorus 1]
It's history
You can't rewrite it
You're not meant to be trapped inside it
Every tear brought you here
Every sorrow gathered
Yeah, it's history
And every mile mattered

[Verse 2]
Get the box off the top shelf, with the black and white
Snapshots of your old self, in a better light
Ghosts and regrets back again, I can see it in your eyes
Send them home, let 'em go

[Chorus 2]
But it's history
It don't define you
You're free to leave
It all behind you

[Bridge]
And every road and every bend
Every bruise and bitter end
All you squandered, all you spent
It mattered, it mattered
Mercy always finds a way
To wrap your blisters up in grace
And every highway you'd erase
It mattered, it mattered

~
you were there, in the snowy runs in edinburgh. you were there when i tripped over a tree root. you were there when i fell and picked myself up again, running up arthur's seat on a slow sunday morning. you were there when i thought i saw fireworks but what i saw was actually an illusion. walking with the wrong person, in the wrong country, on what was literally the wrong path. you were there as the darkness lifted and the night came to an end, when i was sitting in the taxi home, trying to find enough money for the cab fare. you were there telling me that despite what i thought, there was a plan after all, there was an end to all the eternal heartbreaks.

you were there when no one believed in me, you sent angels to wipe my tears in the stairways. you still send angels to encourage me when i feel down. like dr j. i am SO so endebted to her encouragement, i think she has no idea how much strength she gave me just from what she told me. 

in the same small room, staring at the life i've chosen, hoping that the door's still open
i realize that you were only always here. after all these years, you're still here. 

and every road and every bend, every bruise and bitter end, it mattered, mercy always finds a way :)

random sunday thoughts

kutless - identity
I’ve been looking from the outside, outside
I’ve been walking on a straight line, straight line
Scared to let the world see my failures, who I am, or who I’ve been

I’ve been waiting for somebody else to
Take the chance that I am so afraid to
I don’t know how to find myself am I the only one the only one

I am so tired of trying to prove it I’m never gonna do it alone
God I need You to be my identity

It’s always easier to hide behind that
Camouflage that keeps our hearts so guarded
But there’s no shame when we surrender everything to You
Everything to You


"Overcome"

You can’t see a way, then a mountain moves,
Skies are lonely gray, then the sun breaks through,
When your darkest hour surrenders to the dawn.

No where left to turn, but the sea will part,
Running out of hope, still He holds your heart,
And He won’t let go, He’s with you through it all.

His love will overcome, overcome,
His love has already won, already won.

Will you take a stand, and a step of faith,
Will you trust the hands, that calm the waves,
You don’t have to ever be afraid, He is with you through it all.
Deep and wide an endless tide from age to age,
Stronger than whatever we will face.


~

i really love the new parish prayer. that without needing to get on a plane to spain, we are on this camino called life. tell me about it. 

~

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

swimming



such a calming song!


also a super awesome jay park x 1millionstudios collab

skip for long ramblings
every now and then i realize i have a really inmature side to myself. lol. most of the time nowadays i feel very OLD AND JADED. and its like, where did the time go?! used to answer "4 mths" when pts asked me how long i've worked for. now its like... "more than three years". even if a patient were to ask me how many t&ses ive done it would be like... i cant even count anymore, feels like i'm t&sing shins everyday. and nowadays the mcr numbers start with 63! omg. suffice it to say i feel verYy old atm. it also feels like ive given up on nearly everything, not that i'm depressed or anything but i guess somewhere along the day, hoping got a little too painful so i kinda gave up. in a good way! im just chillaxing around enjoying life nowadays. like just literally doing whatever i want. watching dramas, buying concert tix for artists ive always wanted to watch, going on hols ive always wanted to go for, meeting up with friends - the few that have stayed all these years. HAHA. (oh and t&sing shin lacerations and trying my darnest to be safe and meet quota. the eternal struggle, but it does seem to be much easier these days with time, and with lovely colleagues and the fantastic ed nurses!)

ok so that said, i also do acknowledge my very inmature occasional side. i'm definitely NOt proud of it. i guess in life sometimes its not just yourself to blame, also others, however you cant control others but you can control yourself. yeah i could have had an even happier or faster happy ending which clearly hasnt quite come my way yet. but despite that, i have definitely accomplished more wth my life than i could have quite imagined or hoped for when i was younger. with all that maths and physics that i truly sucked at, not to mention chinese, that's like HALF THE SUBJECTS, i dont know how i made it to this med school thing. med school itself was quite okay though surprisingly HAHA. so anyway making it to this day is pretty awesome and then also just becoming a halfway competent paeds mo and then changing to adult med, and becoming less noob daily, to me feels like a huge accomplishment. of cos i still have loads to learn, but ive still come a long way. and there is no question in my mind where my help comes from :)

SO. for times when i feel tempted to slip into the old refrains and complaining abt my life and unfairness (SO teenage angst omg), just need to remember all the miracles that He has done thus far. and know that He is going to continue bringing me through it all :) even if maybe there arent any more miracles after this, i think the ones that have occured are already so awesome and amazing and i was so underserving of them, that its also not really fair of me to expect loads more to come. i mean. i've benefited so much already from God's grace and love, it's time to give back and not to just be a parasite sucking out infinite amts of chocolate and korean dramas out of life (who me? heh). 

just need to take a rain check sometimes and take a deep breath. and remember that pple are sometimes (very often) unreasonable but that since i have already experienced such inmeasurable and unexplainable grace and love, i guess i can put aside my innate debater instinct to argue my points and say that HEY ACTUALLY IM RIGHT IM RIGHT! (cos anyway, half the time, no one listens to me. thats another of my pet peeves. WHY DOES NO ONE LISTEN TO ME WHEN IM RIGHT zzzz). to say that, ok, maybe i might be right, but the right thing to do is to let it slide and do whatever leads to more peace and happiness for others. something like that anyways is what i think, ON HINDSIGHT. no really theres no point getting petty abt things sometimes. 

and its undeniable that God saved me from something really big, my past selves and what i could have been if God didnt continuously save me from myself is pretty chui. haha. so some SELFRESTRAINT to keep this newfound maturity would probably be good. 

at the end of it all actually i guess we're still human and its hard
and it really depends how you look at it.
and sometimes choosing to look at the bright side may be good or bad, i dont know. but at least you would feel marginally happier if you transiently looked at the good side. 

anyway in other news due to circumstances (e,g cannot wake up in time post night) i missed 2 weeks of church, but FINALLY made it this week, so that was nice. like one of my fellow mos bk said on his insta stories - can wake up to save lives but cannot wake up for church. or something to that extent HAHAHA that really struck a chord with me. laughed quite a bit when i saw that. i guess we dont have a choice in that we need to turn up for work no matter what, but yknow still church is good to go for it. 

after that some nice things happened including things like GETTING A GREY PLUG. some hypotensive pt and gs was like. get a grey plug. he comes back and grey plug in the foot. gs " wow so pro who set this?? the reg?" reg says "no leh my mo". FELT VERY VERY PROUD OF MYSELF at that moment haha. 

another day had a difficult plug, impossible in fact, went quite a few rounds hoping to try to find someone to save me. then i suddenly went into one of the p3 rooms and found dr S chatting with another mo there. i LITERALLY COULD NOT BELIEVE MY LUCKY STARS. he looked a bit surprised to be thus pounced upon but luckily dr S is one of the NICEST GUYS EVER so it worked out well for a desperate me. and then he taught me how to set my FIRST NECK PLUG EVER. so was vv happy after that

and then today i went to gym, first time since like 4th july. i really cant believe that my gym-addicted self has come to this stage but i suppose if my body can metabolize fat without daily gymming that could be good too, was getting way too addicted to gym when i was in med sch years if you ask me (also this means that for my weight loss/ health i sincerely need to do ed forever cos we're always running around HAHA. or maybe if one day i get much more efficient in ed and somehow manage to take hx take bld update family clear case review pt all without making several rounds around a&e, then this magical weight loss program might phail and i might need that gym membership for reals??)

nevertheless weight loss or no, that one hour of RPM was literally magic. it felt SO good to sweat it out and get an endorphin rush, and to know that for that hour i literally didnt need to worry abt ANYTHING. so this is why i can't give up my gym membership, cos endorphine rush is literally PRICELESS if you ask me. 

in conclusion, i shall try to be a more mature person (in my daily private life, i definitely endeavor to be v mature at work. and half the time you cant help but be, really.). 

okays off to sleep, simulation tomorrow and then more simulation at residency fair on sat!! excited

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

we can make it through make it through

FAV SONG EVER
will always associate this song with passing frcem primary. hahaha. cos i literally couldnt get it out of my mind just before the exam. so comfortinG

~

I know you and I, we can make it through make it through
When crashing waves pull you down in the undertow
Reach out your hand and I swear I won't let you go
I'm with you tonight

All this time You've been walking here beside me
Waiting for the day I'd call your name
So Here am I walking through the darkest valley
Shine down Your light so I can see

~
i will be the first to admit my shortcomings, whatever they may be. and i also didnt go to church the past two weeks due to circumstances and then oversleeping post night ARGH. so yeah i'm no saint, that's for sure.

but this i know, that with God, i'll make it through

~

that said, passed bcls today! haha i always have problems doing the cpr to the exact time that the machine wants and to the exact perfect depth. and i havent gymmed for literally seven mths now so i wasn't too optimistic either abt arm muscle power. i remember when i went to that same center post night for acls more than a year ago. how far i've come! and what a change in personality since then LOL.

~

i wish for many things. like unlimited time to do things like research. and for knotty problems to unknot themelvesS. i wish i could be a better person, like all the time. i wish i could finish up this research project and find a conf i really want to go for to submit it to. i really want to find the mojo to restart proper emed mugging. however i just finished a very xiong frcem primary mugging time and want to chillax HAHA. also i have very urgh memories of feb where i mugged very hard. LOL. but i guess more knowledge is better than less lah

small stepS. like making it to church this sunday! yes i willlll

Thursday, July 13, 2017

murakami continues

"You are 27 or 28 right? It is very tough to live at that age. When nothing is sure. I have sympathy for you."

"Distance might not solve anything, no matter how far you run.”

"Unspoken feelings were as heavy and lonely as the ancient glacier that had carved out the deep lake."

"I’m not a human. I’m a piece of machinery. I don’t need to feel a thing. Just forge on ahead."

"Beyond the edge of the world there’s a space where past and future form a continuous, endless loop."

One morning I awoke and the sheep was gone. It was then that I understood what it meant to be ‘sheepless.’

“More than once I tried stretching my hand out in the dark. My fingers touched nothing. The faint glow remained, just beyond my grasp.”

“It was so complicated, like something out of an existential play. Everything hit a dead end there, no alternatives left.” #waiting for godot since june 2010 #waiting for the nhs shuttle bus is like waiting for godot

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." (actually a quote by camus not murakami. but it's still nice!) 

Saturday, July 8, 2017

im your light



this song is strangely addicting hahah

im on night shift agaiN tonight. i mean i like nights (esp the pre night and post night sleeps) but 2x in one week is abit shag i think? and some nights can be really chuann. oh well. hopin to survive.

trusting is difficult but for the very little bit of happinesses sprinkled throughout the days, i thank God very much. it had been very very long without even the slightest miracle at all and it was getting a little hard to run. passing of exams and also starting to gym again was like such a huge rush of endorphins and happiness all at once. i chanced upon one of my former schmates blogs where she seems to have ?quit med to go travelling and she said that for the past three yrs she had been living with a low lvl anxiety which is why. i KNOW WHAT SHE MEANS. but in a way that low level anxiety DEFINES me. like a I KNOW THAT LIFE SUCKS and i EXPECT it to suck (primarily cos it has nearly always sucked for me in very illustrious ways). so HAH life you can't beat me! actually it can lah. but then i have my God who will save me from that in all manner of ways. # twisted life philosophies.

looking back on the last one yr of adult ed - HAS IT BEEN SO LONG.
it feels like just ytd that i stepped into an adult ed having palpitations++++
i dont feel senior or experienced in the slightest. the other night one of the mos was like "oh u know, u are the most snr mo tonight" me" HAHAHAHA omg".
i know that i have so much more to learN
the first six mths were really like honeymoon HAHAHA. anyone who knows the structure of our 2 eds will know what i mean. the second six months were exhilarating, exhausting, eye opening and educational beyond belief. i did things i could never have imagined myself doing and experienced excitement i could never have known. i realized that this is what i ALWAYS imagined medicine to be and this mental image of medicine is what made me sign up for it in the first place. yes i did get very very jaded due to a lot of circumstancial happenings but i think exchanging my idealistic innocence for this level of excitement (and anxiety) is a totally fair exchange and one i would make ANY DAY.

to this day i have no clue what God has in store for me. literally after this mopex posting i dont even know which is the best next mopex posting to apply for. (i guess i would be happiest staying in this place forever but shld i try anes to become better at intubation? icu? try other eds?) however i know that the past 1 yr of pedsed and then 1 yr of adult ed has been the MOST EXCITING and happiest time of my life. so literally thank God for those experiences.

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

my everything/ and all you have begun you will complete

SO i passed my frcem primary!!! i also survived a full 6 mths ed posting, and took NO MCs at all thereby earning a very cute cert hahah along with loads of my friends. i also mananged to finish shift on time to actually get to the farewell dinner (a feat by itself..). i also then had a CRAZY night shift thereafter where we were all foaming ++++ but ok lets ignore that haha. THANK GOD the senior was the super nice and chill dr a hahaha made an otherwise foaming night all the bearable.

it was a really tough 6 mths for a variety of reasons. i think alot of the reasons were SUPRATENTORIAL. like how i studied VERY HARd in feb for the frcem primary and then alot of shithappened so then in may when i wanted to restart studying i was really NOT KEEN coz i had alot of bad memories from when i was industriously studying in feb. but i also couldnt not study coz... duh its better to pass the exam.

ANYWAY. I SURVIVED IT. thank God. met alot of awesome friends along the way as well. so many good memories. watching chest tube insertion post shift in resus with zy. meeting the hilarious R (and his phone callz omg). post frcem primary dinner at holland v with the edmopex mos, was really really nice. reminiscent of those post exam celebrations in med school! having c in ed for a good chunk of the posting was great too, its so nice to see an extra familiar face and make the ed feel even more like home haha. altho i stay there so long all the time it alr feels like home. it's still nice.

it's true that these six months have made me, or helped to harden my resolve in being JADED BEYOND BELIEF. and i dont dare to make myself unjaded, to let my walls down. i dont dare in the slightest. but yea i do think that compassion for humanity is not a bad thing, and i think its not something i should forget. its how to balance the jadedness and the walls of defence we put up so we dont get hurt by the world, and how to show others compassion at the same time. i dont deny that that is a difficult, everyday balance. i may talk really quickly to the pts due to time constraints but i try to at least be really sincere and nice in those 5 mins so that they feel that someone listened to them and that i really wanna help them and that they arent just part of my ever-changing quota numbers.

there are many seniors i really admire and respect like dr f, dr s, dr cs and so many more. (dr f is SO AMAZIN whether it be to patients or colleagues or mos, he is literally my hero, plus he is SO GOOD at m&r. i cant describe my happiness at the day he brought me thru an ultrasound guided m&r via bier's block and behind me everyone was like WHOAAA as they saw the fracture hump smoothening out on the ultrasound hahaha cheap thrill but also very very awesome). they inspire me to try my best each day and keep on going despite some days the foam +++

praying and hoping that with God's grace, i can keep on walking this ed path for many years to come. i know that if it is His will, it will come to fruition. i think what the past six months have taught me is that when you give it to God, it's not abt saying "oh i give up for five minutes cos i know God will give it to me five mins later and all will be good" like a petulant 2 year old who wants some candy. its abt being grownup and accepting that sometimes we dont get exactly perfectly what we want but in the end -whatever- happens will be for good, whatever it may be. i know that in the end its not going to be perfectly what i wanted (ummm three yrs of mopex is not exactly what i planned for so we're all good already HAHAAH), but it's going to work out well. what is well, or good, i'm not sure but i KNOW its gonna be ok. at least i hope so, but for now i'll just enjoy the busyness of ed, try to be safe and be fast, and guess what, being priviledged to live life in the fast lane is all that we could ever have hoped or prayed for. thank you God for knowing which part of medicine i would love the most and which suited me and my personality the best and guiding me (not so gently HAHA) to it.

"My Everything"

When my hope is lost
And my strength is gone
I run to you and you alone
When I can't get up and I can't go on
I run to you and you alone

'Cause you're my light in the dark
And I sing with all of my heart

My almighty God divine
I am yours and you are mine
This is all I know how to say
Hallelujah
You're my everything

When I'm plagued with pain
And filled with fear
I run to you and you alone
When my days are few
And death is near
I run to you and you alone

When trouble comes and goes
And when the cold wind blows
I lift my hands up, I lift my hands up
When sorrow knocks me down
And you pick me off the ground
I lift my hands up, I lift my hands up
And I sing

Hallelujah
By the grace of God above
I'll shine a light 'cause I am loved
Ohh Ohh, You're my everything

"For All You Are" - casting crowns

When I'm standing at the end of me
In the rubble of my broken dreams
And the wells I've dug aren't filling me
And the world I've made's not what it seems to be
My life, Your grace
Here I exchange

All of me for all You are
I lay at Your feet my broken heart
And I'll find my healing in Your scars

You're the anchor in a raging sea
In the center of the storm You are my peace
You're the dreamer of my destiny
And all You have begun You will complete